Dear Hank & John - 127: How to Befriend a Crow

Episode Date: February 12, 2018

Should I follow my dreams of having strange animal friends? What would happen if I pee in this humidifier? Is it disrespectful to look at someone while they yawn? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn Thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode! Go to squarespace.com for a free trial, and use the offer code DEARHANK or DEARJOHN to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hello and welcome to nope, nope, nope, nope, three two three two I'm ready now. I'm still ready three two one start Nick maybe you should just include that it was gold Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and ABC Wimbledon. John, how are you doing today? I am doing well, Hank. The sun is shining here in Indianapolis. It's still kind of cold and I'm a little over it, but I'm doing well. I am happy to be alive.

I'm grateful to be a Midwesterner. It's a good day to live in the middle of the world's 14th best country as measured by life expectancy. I um, I recently found out that my employees have been making fun of me um because I put a nose in my smiley faces. Oh like a little dot. My emoticon smiley faces. First of all, I do not emoji very much. No, me neither.

I was raised in a world where we created our own emojis using whatever tools we had at our disposal. And we called those emoticons. And that's not the same as an emoji. And when people call them emojis, I get offended. But apparently it's okay to just do a colon parenthesis That's not the same as an emoji, and when people call them emojis, I get offended. But apparently it's okay to just do a colon parenthesis for a smiley face, but colon dash parenthesis they find to be a sign that I am not with the times.

In general, yeah, I believe that emoticons can express the full range of human emotion. Thereby rendering emojis unnecessary, I completely agree with you about that. However, you are wrong that emoticons need noses. Also, I have an update hank, and it's not a good one. Okay, what's your update? The United States ranks 31st in life expectancy. Well, let's see where Mizzou is on the list, I feel like I feel like we do better than the US as a whole You should move here. We're behind Chile and Costa Rica and Slovenia. Those are immediate The people we immediately want to beat and then we're just ahead of the Czech Republic and the Maldives

Oh, well, okay I don't know very much about those places or the world, but I know about my, my, my, I'm not the American noses. So let's get back to areas where I'm an expert, which is that this is how it's done. And that's fine. Don't you can't, I'm doing it my way. And I think it looks better.

And I think all your weird, noseless faces look disturbing. And I just think of happy Voldemort. I remember the first time I saw an emoticon, like back on CompuServe in the early 90s, and I remember people would explain to me, it's a sideways smiley face, and I would look, and all I could see for the life of me was a colon and a closed parenthesis,

and it took me the longest time to be like, I literally, as I recall, at least 14-year-old me had to turn his head 90 degrees to be like, oh yeah, I guess I kind of see it. Oh man. Yeah, well, that makes a certain amount of sense. It is very representational. Speaking of children, Hank, would you like a short poem

for today? Okay. This short poem is by, I believe his name is Nile, age six. It's been making the rounds on Twitter. It's very, very good. And it's called The Tiger. It's written by a six year old boy and it's called The Tiger.

And it's about death, but it's also about life and hope and also despair. The tiger, he destroyed his cage. Yes. Yes. The tiger is out. The tiger by Nile age six. Yes. Yes. It's just perfect. The tiger is out. I think I understand that poem, John. I don't think that either of us can understand it in its full complexity. Cause is the tiger Nile? I don't know if the tiger is Nile or if the cage is Nile. Oh man, what, or if the tiger is just a tiger? There is always the possibility that the tiger is just a tiger.

Oh man. Do you want to answer some questions from our listeners John? Yeah Hank let's answer some questions from our listeners. This first one comes from a player who writes dear John and Hank, I have recently come into possession of the American Cheese Society 2010 second place ribbon. I now have the ability to unilaterally declare someone or something the second best cheese in the year of 2010. How do I wield this power responsibly? I don't know anything about cheese. My friend makes cheese, but it's terrible. So it seems dishonest to give it to him.

How do I- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha person. How do I make sure I don't go crazy with this power? Bri afraid Blair. First off, Blair, I just want to correct you about one thing, which is that you say in your question, I now have the ability to unilaterally declare someone or something the second best cheese for the year 2010. In fact, you only have the unilaterally ability to declare someone or something the second best American cheese for the year 2010. Which is very, very different

because as everyone knows, America is 31st in cheese. Is that correct, John? I believe that is correct. Yes, just behind Costa Rica. John, is it a thing that we are now going to have to do where you and I compete to be the best cheese of 2010 or is that nothing? John, is it a thing that we are now going to have to do where you and I compete to be the best cheese of 2010 or is that nothing? No, we can't compete with each other.

That's not part of our brand. Our brand is collaboration and mutual admiration. Yeah, our brand is I really appreciate your AFC Wimbledon news. You really appreciate my Mars news. Even if deep down we're probably checking Twitter. Right, it's funny because we started out trying to make fun of each other's news, but the listeners hated that

because they like the collaboration and mutual appreciation. So if anything, we need to lobby Blair to have both of us named co-second best cheese of America in 2010. But then unfortunately, Claire needs a second ribbon. Well, or can you take your ribbon to like a place that does laser cutting and just slice it perfectly down the middle?

So John and I can share it. Or perhaps I'm just gonna throw this out there, a ribbon making factory and just make a second ribbon. Mmm, you can't just make a best cheese ribbon, John. This is the second best American cheese of 2010. If you just went and made a second best American cheese of 2010 ribbon, that would not allow Blair the ability to steal that upon everyone in America. and ribbon, that would not allow Blair the ability to still

that upon everyone in America. I've got a few ideas for this saying. My first idea is Blair, you could give it to your significant other if you have one. And then when it comes time to break up with them, instead of saying like, I think we need to break up, you could just say, I'm gonna need that ribbon back.

You are. You are now not the second best cheese. What if you just went to the grocery store and like put it on a cheese? Just like a craft singles. Well, but then you use the ribbon. I mean, the nice thing about bestowing it upon your significant other until, uh, and unless it's a point you, is that you get to keep it in the, you know, you get to keep it in the family more or less. That's the only thing I'd say, where this is such a powerful, wonderful thing that's come into your life. Don't let it go easy.

You know, like make sure that when you bestow it upon someone or something, they understand that this is temporary and that at any moment something or someone new might become the second best American cheese of 2010. Blair, is it possible that you're the best cheese of 2010? Second best. Sorry. Blair, is it possible that you're the second best cheese of 2010? Like that this is why you got it? Like the universe delivered it to you because of your quality

cheesiness. You're so right, Hank. Blair, you've already won. It's just that you haven't yet accepted the victory. Blair. No, you don't know yet that you were once the second best cheese in America. That's right. What you really need to do, Blair, is you need to look in the mirror and realize that you've been looking and looking and looking for the second best American cheese of 2010. But all the while, it's been within you. And you need to pin that ribbon on your sweater because it's you, Blair. You did it. Just daily affirmations.

Walk it around. I am a powerful human. I love myself. I have had a positive impact upon the world. I am the second best American cheese of 2010. You know how I like question. When you finish, can I just say one more thing? Okay, I suppose.

You know how when you finish a marathon, or in my case a half marathon, they give you a, like a medal and you wear that medal all day, but you can't really wear it into the next day because it becomes a little weird, like at some point. If 35 days later, you're still wearing your metal, people are like, so you finish to have marathon a month ago.

The second best cheese of 2010 is nothing like that, where you can wear that ribbon every day for the rest of your life. This next question comes from Ashley, who asks, dear Hank and John, I will be getting married soon and therefore have been on the receiving end of many gifts that I picked out myself.

I am very thankful for all of the gifts, but I'm at a loss when writing thank you notes, how do you thank someone for a gift that you picked out yourself? Normally I would comment on how much I like the gift, but in this case that feels like I'm complimenting myself. How do I show genuine appreciation without giving fake compliments? Also, the wedding is March 10th and will be in a much more interesting part of Arkansas than the clothing store in the middle of a field if either of you would like to come. Toasters and tuxedos, Ashley.

Hey, I actually think I have some good advice here because I've written a fair few thank-you notes for wedding presents that Sarah and I picked out. And here, this was initially something that I felt uncomfortable with and Sarah explained it to me Thusley and I think she was correct. She said what you say in the thank you note is what you are going to use the gift for in your new shared life. Yeah, you tell the story about how that that person is going to impact and has affected your life. And that is the best, a lot of times the best thing. It's like letting people, not just saying thank you, but saying thank you. And then, this is how you have made my life better.

What Catherine and I did is we laser etched the name of the person who gave us each of the gifts on the gift so that we have to think about them every time we use it. And so like our mixer is named Ashley and our like every one of our fork set just has the name of my parents sitting in my corner. Is that trombone? No, no. Oh, I was going to say say that's a really lovely idea But yeah, you thank the person for for what this gift is going to do

for your life and then you transition to thanking the person for whatever they have done for you in your life Which I actually think should be the focus of the thank you note is finding a way to say Thank you uncle backs for all of the great times in Vermont and the wisdom that you've shared with me and the kindness that you showed me and how welcome you've made me feel in your family. Yeah, good, good point John. I like it a lot. This next question comes from Tanya who writes, Dear John and Hank,

my university is overwhelmed with giant crows throughout the year and I want to befriend them so I can have a beautiful, intelligent, and slightly terrifying animal companion. I've heard they remember human faces well, Tanya, you are freaking me out right now. I'm just gonna tell you the truth, man. I'm getting freaked out. Why are you freaked out, bye? Okay, let me just start the question over because maybe you didn't want listening. My university is overwhelmed with giant crows throughout the year and I want to befriend them so I can have a beautiful, intelligent, and slightly terrifying animal companion. I've heard they remember human face as well. I mean, have you have you read

Maggie Steve Otters Raven cycle? Yes. That's what it's called. Yes. Yeah. That also freaks me out. I think that it's great. I'm curious if these are crows or if they are Ravens, actually. Because do you know the difference between a Raven and a Crow, John? I bet I'm about to find out.

So if you see a Crow, you'll think to yourself, Raven and Acro, John? I bet I'm about to find out. So if you see a crow, you'll think to yourself, I wonder if that's a crow or a Raven. If you see a Raven, you will think to yourself, I have been deeply seen and am afraid of that gigantic animal. That is so true. That is so true. That's a great point. Anyway, Tonya goes on to ask,

should I follow the rules and not feed the birds or should I be a rebel and follow my dreams of having strange animal friends? If I feed them, what else can I do to make them my friends? I thought my question might be relevant to your podcast because crows are symbols of death. Oh, God. Thank you, Tonya. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, Tonya. Don't feed the Ravens. Don't feed the Corvids in general.

Don't feed any of the wildlife on your school campus. Even there are other better ways to make them your friends. The number one way that I would recommend is bewitching. Well, how to befriend, I mean, I typed in how to befriend and the number one thing is a crow. And I don't know. Does Google, does it hear me right now? Does it know what I'm talking about?

So like, oh my god, you're not kidding. Yeah, no. Apparently this is a thing. How does this happen? Oh my god, I'm so freaked out. Is Google Hank, what the flip just happened We just we both googled how to be a friend and the first Google suggestion was oh maybe that's just the thing people mostly want to friend a human

The Frick So like we have now determined that humans would rather be friends with crows than people dogs Elephants any other animal themselves of cats just Crows I don't know maybe befriend is a specific word that like you don't say I would like to be how do you befriend a young Last now Well, I mean, but you would how why a, why a, why a crow? Why not? I am so freaked out, I can't even talk.

Why not literally any other animal species? I don't know. The question is, can you, can you make friends with the Corvid by, without food? And probably not. But they do like other stuff, so maybe, and the good news is that apparently enough people have searched for this that I'm sure people who are looking to optimize their blogs for search engines have written, there's in fact a Reddit thread right here. There's also on allocation how to make friends with crows and on coyote.es, so coyotes with

a dot in it, also making friends with crows on the Corvid blog on the Coyotes blog network This this Reddit thread has a number of suggestions. So I Don't know I didn't look this up because I didn't actually expect that there would be a great deal of information on it But it turns out you're not the only one You're in fact in the majority of people who wish to become friends with a blank. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Yeah, I mean, I love this. Didn't we have a question, or maybe I just read this somewhere, from a person who, like, the crows think that he's their neighbor? And it's like bringing, like, this guy's presence because his neighbor is feeding the crows. I'm not even in my body right now because I'm so freaked out. I can't remember the past or the future or the present.

I just Googled how to befriend and the first suggestion was crow. Are you using a Google Pixel right now? No, I'm using my My computer to normal. No, I thought it was a normal computer But I guess it's a computer that listens to everything that I say. Are you talking to me on a Google Pixel the phone? I don't I don't even know what is the name of your phone. It's an iPhone 5s. Oh, okay. I was that It's just it's just that you don't know what phones are called. That's fine.

I'm on a Google Pixel, so like, now I'm like, are they listening? But you're all the way over there on your iPhone 5s. So I don't know how Google would have this information about you. Unless my phone is like, he's talking to John Green. John Green is Googling an Indianapolis. They're talking about Croes.

Quick, give them crores results. I don't think that that's what happened, but I'm not putting it past the next level of dystopia that we're headed into. This next question comes from Deb who writes, Dear John and Hank, I recently purchased a humidifier to keep my skin happy in the winter, and a thought occurred to me as I began to use it. What would happen if I put P in this humidifier? Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha be no animal on earth, I want to be friends with less than a crow. Like, okay. While I am awaiting your responses, I promise I will not test it out in the meantime. Vote for Pedro, Deb. Well, Hank, suddenly we have a tremendous amount of responsibility because it is up to us

whether Deb puts pee in the dehumidifier. Wait, is it a humidifier or dehumidifier? I believe it's a humidifier, right? Yes, that does make more sense. Okay. Hank, what happens if you put P in a humidifier? I'm not a scientist, you are. This, I mean, it's, don't put P in a humidifier. What's gonna happen is most,

but not all of what's gonna come out of your humidifier is gonna be water, but there probably will also be some ammonia that comes out and that's not gonna smell good because ammonia is one of the more volatile, meaning it evaporates more easily. So basically your humidifier is trying to create evaporation and to evaporate water, and in that process it will evaporate other things

that have lower boiling points than water, like ammonia. And so your room will probably smell somewhat like ammonia, as that ammonia offgases, the urea is in equilibrium with ammonia, so mor ammonia will be created, and that will continue to create more and more ammonia until all of the urea has been converted into ammonia or until all of the water is gone

at which point the urea will fall out of solution and become a solid, along with a lot of other solids that are dissolved in urine. And that will clog up your humidifier and your humidifier is filter and you'll have to replace the filter much more quickly. So basically don't do that. But at least you know why.

Hey Hank, do you know what the first thing that Google auto fills if you Google, what happens if IP in is? What? Humidifier. No, it's gas tank. It's gas tank. Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, good lord. Yeah. Can I pee in a cup and test it later for pregnancy? Uh, can I pee in a bidet? Can I pee in a policeman's hat? Well, it's certainly not recommended. I mean, I guess it depends on if you want to go to jail. I mean, if you like order one online, like get a policeman's hat on Amazon from a costume, yeah, if you want to do that.

That's gonna be a line from something. Wait, I read recently that a pregnant woman has the legal right to urinate in a policeman's helmet. That's what it says. It's a question to the Guardian newspaper. However, at this year's Notting Hill Carnival, all officers refused my girlfriend this honor. On what grounds can they refuse such a request? Wow.

My favorite response to this by a country mile is somebody who, this was a British, published in a British newspaper, and my favorite response by a country mile is from Barry, who wrote, surely you must be taking the piss. This is high quality, Barry Packington. Yeah. Good stuff, Barry. All right, let's move on to the next question. Does anybody know the berry packing tin in NASA in the Bahamas? Just give them a pat on the back for us. We appreciate it.

Can we just go hard, not weird, for the rest of the pot, please? Yeah, that's what I was like. Can we get real tight turn into like deep normal? Yeah. and to like deep normal. Where's the... Just a 180 degree turn back toward normal. I mean, it was all fun in games when it was just about Blair and her cheeses.

Okay, this duck question comes from Jake, who asks, dear Hank and John. So I sit again by math class today and I was talking to my friend next to me when she began to yawn. I felt it almost instinctual to look away as she covered her mouth. And then this raised the question,

is it disrespectful to look at someone while they're yawning? I became quite aware of this dilemma throughout the rest of class and now I'm worried that I'll somehow make someone feel self-conscious if I do look. Dubious advice is of course course much appreciated, Jake. I mean, I think it's rather bad form to look at someone for more than, say, half a second ever.

Oh my God. Oh my God. You know what I mean? No. I mean, not if you're, well, yeah, if you're talking, then no. That's a good, interesting point, John. How long can you look at someone if you're not, like, currently in communication with them without it being weird?

Which is it that long? It's not that long. It's West in a second, for sure. Yeah, and I have, in fact, found myself, like, being like, I did that for too long. And I feel now an urge to apologize, which I will not indulge in, because that would make it even weirder. When someone, honestly, when someone looks at me for longer than one second,

I immediately say, I'm the one who does history. My brother is the one who is in your chemistry class. I just say it. I don't even wait. I did that one time. who does history, my brother is the one who is in your chemistry class. I just say it. I don't even wait. I did that one time. Because that's the only reason someone would look at me for longer than a second. I did that one time and I have not done it since this occurred because the guy then said, no, I need to get to my car.

Hmm. Well, that's brutal. That is, that is brutal. It was about the worst. That is brutal. It was about the worst. That's up to you on the fairytales. He was very confused. And I've seen him around. He works at a restaurant in town. No, I can't go there anymore.

Well, maybe you can, but you'll just be forever known as the guy who wasn't as famous as he fancied himself. Well, it's been two years and I haven't been back to that restaurant. I don't get the reason you can't look at someone when they're yawning is because they're yawning. I think it's because when they're yawning you're like not in conversation with them. And so they're having a private moment and so you avert your eyes. This is what I do. Admittedly, I don't make much eye contact when I am talking to someone because I find it weird and overwhelming. But like, yeah, you avert your eyes because they're having this private moment. And then when the conversation re-resumes, you go back, it just occurred to me that re-zumes. Is there more zooms?

can I? Sue, don't Google again. Hey, if I weren't to anything today, it's don't Google. Just go to Bing.com and type in type something. Does Bing auto fill? Yeah, I don't want to see your auto. Okay, you go to Bing. It says, how do I befriend someone? How do I befriend somebody on Facebook? How do I befriend somebody on Snapchat? That's normal Bing, you're a normal search engine. You don't freak me out at all.

What was the question? If you can resume, can you zoom? Yeah, probably, but the point is that once you resume conversation, you can resume my contact. And that's my personal approach, but I'm not sure that I'm an expert in this field since I don't make a lot of eye contact. Well, it's also that like I try not to yawn while I'm talking to someone, though I understand that you can't always control that. And it is sort of like, it does.

It's like there's a pause in the discussion now and you're sort of like, okay, And it is sort of like, it does, it's like there's a pause in the discussion now and you're sort of like, okay, this is a thing that's happening and it will end, a bodily function is occurring and now it is ended and we can resume conversation. Apparently, it means take in Latin according to Rosiana. Oh, thank you very much. I very nearly tweeted that question, John, but I thank you to Rosiana for saving me the trouble. This next question comes from Jamie who writes,

Dear John and Hank, who's responsible for cleaning out the dryer-lint trap? Is it the person who is taking their newly dried clothes out of the dryer? Or the person putting their newly washed clothes into the dryer? I'm living with roommates and I don't want this to be a hangers-facing outward or toilet paper on backward situation. It won't matter in the end, Jamie. You're right, Jamie. It won't matter in the end, Jamie. You're right, Jamie, it won't matter in the end, because of course we'll all be dead. But this is something that matters

in the middle. Yeah, I check after I take my clothes out, I clean the screen and when I'm about to dry clothes, I check the screen. It is not a intensive chore, the checking of the lint screen and the cleaning of the lint screen and the cleaning of the lint screen. In fact, I kind of like cleaning the lint screen. I like how it comes off as like a sort of like this like semi-solid like holding itself together like weird piece of fabric that you can pull apart and ball up and like I don't, I like it. So I check every time, personally, and I don't find it to it. So I check every time, personally, and I don't find it to be an ownerless task,

and occasionally, they will be a little bit on the mint there, and I'll be like, sweet, I get to clean the mint tray. Yeah, I also find it enjoyable. I think that my rule of thumb is it's the person when you're loading the dryer, you load the dryer, and then you check the mint tray, and then you get started. So I don't do it when I'm emptying the dryer. I do it when I'm loading the dryer.

I will say, however, that I once met someone who'd collected years and years worth of their dryer lint. And it was a visually impressive thing. You really do build up some dryer lint. I've always, I like, like after after we dry the towels, I always like the dryer lint because it's almost like a tiny towel. Yeah, it has like, it's the same color and, you know, it's the same fibers. Why was this person collecting all the dryer lint? Oh, it was, uh, I didn't get a great sense for why, but they didn't, to speak frankly, they seemed like the kind of person who would collect years worth of dryer lint. Ha ha ha ha ha ha, okay.

Okay, sort of more of a character trait than a project then. They were, they were an artist. It still are an artist, but yeah. Yeah. You're being the exact, not specific as you can be, which I- I reminds me that today's podcast is in fact brought to you by artistic eccentricity, artistic eccentricity.

Is it inherent or is it kind of a construct? I'm not sure. This podcast is also brought to you by the tiger. Is the tiger Nile? Is Nile the cage? Is the tiger the cage? Is the tiger the cage? The tiger. The tiger is out, but it's also in because the tiger is also the cage.

And of course today's podcast is brought to you by the second best cheese in America from 2010. America's second best 2010 cheese. Now named Blair. And this podcast is also brought to you by Deep Normal. Deep Normal. It's where we need to be headed. Strong turn into Deep Normal, John.

Dryerland is probably a really good, good deep normal thing to discuss, though then you ended up in artistic eccentricity in a several garbage bags full of dry land, so. I mean, still fairing well better than making friends with crows. Which by the way, it's not that that's weird, it's the Google Auto-Fill thing that freaked me out. This next question, John, it comes from Joshua, who asks,

Steerhank and John, why is it that computers always run slower when their first turned on? I always hear that they need to get warmed up, but is that a thing? If it is, why aren't we just putting fuzzy socks and knit hats on our computers? They're giving them mugs of warm tea to help speed them up when we turn them on. Joshua. Joshua? This is definitely a, it's a car thing. It's a machine thing that they can operate better when they're warm because the oil gets more viscous.

You know, your catalytic converter doesn't work as well unless it's heated up. Stuff like that is where this phrase comes from. But that is not why your computer takes extra time to get going at optimal speed before or after it starts up. That's because there's a lot of things that happen when your computer starts up and all those things are happening. Like all those programs are running, they're opening, simultaneously, lots of different things are occurring, and then once your computer is booted up, those things are done happening. And you don't have to, your programs that you're running aren't competing for resources with those things.

And that's why. I often find when I'm using my computer that it gets really slow, and then I'll go into my task list, and I'll notice that I have, you know, 75 different programs running at the same time. And I'm always reminded of this great onion point counterpoint. They used to do this series called point counterpoint,

where one person with one perspective would write an editorial, and then right below that, someone who disagrees would write an editorial and then right below that someone who disagrees would write an editorial and then you would have to decide who you agree with. And the point in this particular one was written by an office manager and the headline was, my computer hates me and the counterpoint was written by the computer and it was called, I hate that idiot. And I always think about that.

I always think like, God, why does my computer hate me? And then I go into my task list and I'm like, oh right, it hates me because I'm being so mean to it. Yeah, I was once called to a friend's dorm room in college to fix her computer. And I opened up her, you know, sort of like the hard drive inspector. And she had like 200 kilobytes of space left on her computer,

and I was like, where? What? Why? What have you downloaded? And it wasn't that she had like, you know, like 100 MP3s, but she had managed to download part of like 4,000 songs, and she had no idea that she'd done it. And it was just like the Napster, part of like 4,000 songs. And she had no idea that she'd done it.

And it was just like the Napster, because this was in the Napster area. The Napster like partial song, incomplete download folder was her entire hard drive. Wow, man, Napster, it's been a while. My computer currently has seven gigs free out of 500, because I'm always fighting a war against wanting to preserve every movie clip I have ever generated while making vlog withers videos and also wanting my computer to work.

That's an ongoing fight that I've been having for 11 years now. Well, I'll tell you what, John, I gave up that fight a long time ago. And now just delete everything. All right, Hank, it is time for the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. All right, John. And the Mars news is pretty obvious this week. Elon Musk put three of his Falcon 9 boosters together into the Falcon Heavy, which has 27 boosters,

because I just multiply it nine by three. And that is 27 engines. That's a lot of thrust, John, and was able to prove that this thing works. Two of the boosters landed on land. They came back, they landed almost simultaneously, it was beautiful and perfect and I can't believe it. The third, the central stage booster crashed into the ocean, not even very close to the drone

ship it was supposed to land on, but two out of three ain't bad. And the Falcon Heavy Test flight contained because why not a Tesla Roadster with a man of like a crash test dummy in a space suit on it? And then resulted in some very good pictures. And then that capsule did its secondary burn, which takes it out of the orbit of Earth and into orbit around the Sun. And that, the idea was to get it roughly into Mars's orbit,

though it wasn't going to orbit Mars, so it was gonna be roughly at the same distance from the Sun as Mars going around the Sun, not going around Mars, which would have required a lot more careful telemetry and a lot more communications equipment. And so, but instead it turned out that the rocket had enough to get it past Mars' orbit

and it's headed for the asteroid belt, John. It's out there now on its way to the asteroid belt, but we have proved that the Falcon Heavy can deliver things to Mars. It its way to the asteroid belt. But we have proved that the Falcon Heavy can deliver things to Mars. It just has to be more careful. And also that this is the first private space flight ever that has taken anything out of Earth's orbit.

So that's pretty remarkable. So this means that with current technology, Elon Musk and his company can get stuff to Mars. That is correct. Yes. That's amazing. I know. It's good news, John.

Good news, John. People to Mars are just stuff. Right now they can only get people, they can only get stuff to Mars just because the crew capsules have not been built yet. The Space Launch System, which is NASA's heavy rocket, will have a crew capsule that will be ready before the Falcon is ready to launch people. But the way we're going to get to Mars is not all that once, so it's not going to be one, like with Apollo, you could get everything on one rocket and you could get the landing and return all of it on one rocket.

That is not how we're going to get to Mars. We're going to have to send things ahead of time to land on Mars so that those things are up and running and probably creating fuel from the Martian atmosphere on the surface of Mars and also the water on Mars theoretically, hopefully. And then the astronauts will go after that stuff happens. So it is important to have a heavy rocket that can send stuff other than people. It seems like it's going to be hard to do all of that by 2027. Well, you know, John, the world is a great place full of wonder and mystery and unexpected

successes, so we'll just hold on and see what happens. Also unexpected failures. I really liked something Elon Musk said in the wake of this because he did put his old Tesla Roadster into orbit, which is pretty cool. Quick question, when it goes that into the asteroid belt, is it going to get pummeled by asteroids? Probably not. There is pretty cool. Quick question, when it goes out into the asteroid belt, is it gonna get pummeled by asteroids? Probably not. There is pretty empty out there,

but several of my people, I follow on Twitter, were like, hey, Elon, can you share the orbit data with us so we can see? Because it isn't just like the question of, is it gonna hit something which, almost certainly, it won't, there's just not a lot of stuff in space. But also, how stable is its orbit going to be? So it could end up being influenced by the gravity of Jupiter or doing a gravity assist

on a smaller asteroid or something, and its orbit might change. It might get sent out of the asteroid belt, it might be sent in closer to the inner solar system. In any case, it's not like a dangerous thing. In general, he, mostly it was like, don't actually hit Mars with this thing because there's very specific protocols for things that can land on other planets. Right. And to save cleanliness and stuff.

So they didn't want them to actually hit Mars, was the main concern, but it's pretty hard to actually get into a planet because you almost always end up in orbit rather than intersecting because it actually, usually you have to slow down a lot for your orbit to deteriorate enough that you will enter a planet's atmosphere.

So it's pretty hard to actually get a planet. Oh, well, I really like the quote that he said after this about putting the Tesla into orbit. It's kind of silly and fun, but I think that silly and fun things are important. And I just think that's so true. I agree, I agree. Speaking of silly and fun things,

I wish I had some to share. Oh no. Hey, I've seen Wimbledon unbeaten in January, didn't give up a single goal. It was our month of mirror ballast. We just played phenomenally. And then in February, it's been a month of horror ballast. Just horrible.

Lost two nil to... I know I say this wrong, Rothram, Rothram, wrote, wrote her him, whatever, that team. And then we went to yesterday, as we're recording this, we went to Barry, like, you know, Barry the Bodies, B-U-R-Y, and it was a makeup game. They're the bottom team and league one. They're at the very bottom.

They're in last place. Oh, no. We lost two one. It was very disappointing. That's your new foot hitting the ball, John. No, Joe Piggit played the whole game. He didn't score a single goal. Very disappointing.

So it's, I don't know. I hopefully, things are gonna take a turn for the better in February. We had such a wonderful January, and then February so far has been terrible. Fortunately, the dons are still above the relegation zone, while the franchise, playing its trade Milton Keynes, is still down there.

But it is getting quite tight. It's quite tight at the bottom. The dawns are in 19th and only two points clear of Oldham who are currently the first team in the relegation zone. So I don't know, 16 games left in the League One season. Here's the basic situation. Hank, there's 16 games left and Wimbledon need from those 16 games around 18 points. So if we could just win the next six games, we can do whatever

we want in the last 10, but we do need to win six more games. All right. How many games are there? I just said that we're 16. There are 16 left, but it's okay. You're not the only one not listening. I, the thing is John, that I was looking at this information that was supplied to us by this remarkable person who has created the Bath Bombardment Compartment. Yes, we're gonna get to that right now.

We need to read a couple responses to things, but before we get to the extraordinary Bath Bombardment Compartment created by Liana or possibly Liana, I need to read this response from Stacey who wrote, Dear John and Hank, in a recent episode of the pod, Sarah shared her method of tying laces where you wrap the string around twice. You wrap the loop around twice. I'll put a link to a video of it on the Patreon. You can go to patreon.com slash deerhankajon. You don't have to give money to see the video or anything. And you can see this magical way of tying your shoes that really is a game changer.

I recently got new winter boots that kept coming on tide, which is very annoying in a snowy Canadian winter. But I started using the Sarah method and my life has changed forever. This is the ultimate shoe tying method. No question, bring on winter. And it really is the ultimate shoe tying method, although I should say for the record, it is not the Sarah method. Sarah would like it to be clear that the, as far as she is concerned, the credit for this

method should go to her cousin Mark. So thank you, Mark. I've seen people do that and I didn't realize there was a reason for it. It's amazing. And I used to have shoes that just came on tide all the time and now I have shoes that don't tie. I got shoes that have like a drawstring basically and I feel like I live in like I'm like living in 3018, John. It's the future over here. All right, let's get to the

sweater from Liana. All right, Liana is a senior majoring in bioengineering longtime listener of the pod and has created a blog titled Rehanket John in which I attempt to implement some of your dubious advice into my own life. I have had an amazing time getting out of my comfort zone and trying your incredibly dubious advice. So there is a blog, it's at rehankin'john.blogspot.com, and the inaugural post to Rehankin' John. None other than creating the Bath Bumb artment and when swimmingly well. Although it's a little rustic, it is indeed. It is made of a clothes hanger, some rubber bands, a tupperware that has a lot of holes poked in it,

some more rubber bands. And yeah, you see what happens. The shower goes into the thing and then it dissolves and then you can take a bath bomb with a shower. This is so much better than I ever thought possible. I mean, this is even though it looks fairly Jerry Rigg together, this is so much better than I ever thought a bath bombardment compartment could ever be. It's truly, truly magnificent.

Since then, Liana has gone on to attempt serial dust granola to another extraordinarily dubious suggestion. But it looks like she's had a great time. This is a wonderful, wonderful blog. Rehankinjohn.blogspot.com. If you're into the pod, you'll be into this. Yeah, I think the serial- the serial-dust granola looks great, John. I think spoiler alert

loved it. Liyano loves the freaking serial-dust granola. I think that John, we might actually have a lot of very good ideas on this podcast. Oh God, no. Don't encourage him, Leana, but do keep up the good work. And what did we learn today? We learned that Blair is truly the second best cheese of 2010 in America. We also learned that it's okay to befriend crows as long as you don't feed them to make them your friends.

And also, we learned that apparently, according to Google, lots of people want to befriend crows as long as you don't feed them to make them your friends. And also we learn that apparently according to Google lots of people want to befriend crows, lots, but not, but not people who use Bing, people who use Bing what to befriend normal people. Which is particularly surprising because people use Bing. And lastly we learn don't pee in your humidifier. Oh yes. And lastly, we learned don't pee in your humidifier. Oh yes. I'm glad that we learned that, John. Otherwise, how would we ever have known?

John, you know what one of my favorite parts of the week is every week? Is it the part where we record this weekend rions our terrible podcasts for patrons at patreon.com slash dear hank and john. I was just gonna say that it's the part where we record a podcast but yeah I mean that's part of it. Oh yeah it's also one of my favorite parts of the week. Thank you for doing this with me. Thanks to everybody for listening and making it possible. Thanks to everybody who supports us on patreon. It allows us to help make the shows we make it complexly. And thank you for potting with me. And I'm going to let you read the credits. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

It's produced by Rosiana Halsey-Rohassen shared in Gibson. Victoria von Jornar is our head of community and communications. The theme music you are listening to is from the great Gunnarola. He also does the music for this week in Ryan's, which is available at patreon.com slash deerhankajon, where you can find out more about the Bath Bombatement compartment and also about serial discrenault and also about how to tie your shoes like Mark and Sarah. Thank you all for listening. It's an absolute pleasure. And as they say in our hometown,

don't forget to be awesome. Don't forget to be awesome.