Dear Hank & John - 129: The Worst Guest Books

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

Am I not invited to my aunt's wedding? Do I tell my friend I clogged their toilet? Is there an Olympic Hall of Urine? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn ROLF: https://store.dftba.com/products/rolf

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But I am now, I have gone from being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history to being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history to being pretty sure that we are in the best year of human history because all the ones after this are going to be worse. John, I've always wondered if you may be interested in writing a nonfiction book because obviously you create a lot of true content about the real world and all your book stuff, though, is fictional. And I'm really looking forward to your future nonfiction book, Abandoning Optimism.

If I actually write a nonfiction book, it's almost definitely going to be called the Anthropocene Reviewed. By the way, episode two of my new podcast, The Anthropocene Reviewed is available for your listening pleasure right now. You wanna know what I reviewed this time around, Hank? No, yes, I do, I don't know, but I'd want to.

Haley's comment in a cholera. Okay, cool. I like that. Haley's comment is an interesting choice in that you and cholera, and that you are reviewing things that are definitely natural phenomena to some extent. Though Haley's comment,

I think you could make the argument, is so natural as to have been impacted by humanity, not at all. One of the few objects that we regularly discuss that has been in no way impacted by humanity. Oh, see, I don't agree at all. Maybe it hasn't been impacted by humanity in the sense that we didn't like change its course or anything, but it has been impacted by humanity in the sense

that we think about it. I agree, if it all comes down to, to if a comet flies through the sky and no one's around to see it, does that affect the comet at all? Correct, which it definitely does. That's the thing about the Anthropocene Review, John, available on wherever you get podcasts,

is that it takes some pretty hard turns into some pretty heavy stuff. It is not nearly as funny as I initially intended it to be. That's for sure. Speaking of funny, today's poem was suggested by listener Maya. Thank you, Maya. It's called, He Visits My Town Once a Year by Amir Kushrao. He visits my town once a year. He fills my mouth with kisses and nectar. I spend all my money on him. Who, girl, you man? No, a mango. A mango, Hank, he visits my town once a year and fills my mouth with kisses and nectar. I think mangoes are my favorite fruits. And so I thought that I would read that poem about what I think is the greatest fruit in

the history of the world. Also while we're on the topic, I think it's important to hang that we note something that several hundred thousand people let us know about over the last seven days, which is that dates are not figs. Correct. They are different things. And I feel like we had that conversation on the pod, John. Apparently not to anyone's satisfaction.

So dates are not figs. We apologize for our positive knowledge on the date fig front. We'll have some more corrections later in the podcast. One of which is extremely important. But in the meantime, Hank, let's answer some questions from our listeners. Yeah, my apologies to both dates and figs. This first question comes from Abigail who asks,

Dear Hank and John, My aunt is getting married over spring break. And we're all very excited as we love my aunt and her fiance. There is a problem though. I was not invited to the wedding. We received a formal invitation about a week ago And it says it's a date night. Please find a sitter and both my sister and I are widely considered to be children And are thus very distressed my sister didn't sign up for a high school trip in order to go to this wedding

Have I been uninvited? How can we talk to her about this without sounding like we don't respect her wishes? What in the world does it's a date night mean in relation to a wedding? Best wishes Abigail. Oh gosh, you gotta have that conversation. I feel like, because maybe this means like no tiny kids, but you sound like a person who's not a tiny kid. Yeah, just based on their vocabulary and their excellent spelling. I don't think they're in like third grade so

Yeah, this is it's a tough one because This is a date night might mean like I want to behave in a way that I might not necessarily feel comfortable behaving in front of my 14-year-old niece Which should be the choice of the person who's getting married 14-year-old niece, which should be the choice of the person who's getting married. It might mean I cannot afford one more plate at this wedding, which I have a lot of respect for. In general, when I do not get invited to a wedding that I expected an invite to, I am grateful to the person, and it does not make me think any less of them or any less of our friendship because I remember what every plate cost at my wedding and

it was unimaginable amounts of money for three to four hours of ostensible enjoyment. So maybe it's just that Abigail. Maybe you should just tell yourself that your ants wedding isn't even gonna be that fun. It's probably gonna be stressful. The band probably isn't gonna be any good, or there's gonna be a DJ who plays a bunch of songs from generations that not only were you not a part of, but you should be grateful not to have been a part of. Maybe in the end you're gonna have a fun night with your sister and apparently a babysitter. I mean, there's also the possibility. I mean, I don't like, you may not know about this Abigail

because you seem like you're under 18. But the day you turn 18, I shouldn't even be talking about this. There are a number of things that are shared with you that aren't, we don't let anybody under the age of 14 know about. Oh, Rob. Yeah. So we can't, I can't tell you any of those things, obviously.

You can't even talk about those things in public in any format because then that would be discovered because, of course, children are able to consume all kinds of media these days. So yeah, it may be that they just need to be doing some of the things that only people over the age of 18 are allowed to know about. And these things have, and they're not that interesting. They have to do with a couple of peculiar items of clothing and a couple of things that one does with one's toes.

And it's not like, you don't have to worry too much about it, but like, you're not allowed to know about it yet. Right, no, it could just be that they're gonna be using the rituals that are only available to adults and that we're not allowed to talk to you about. But don't feel too bad. But do allow your aunt to have the wedding that she wants to have, even if it kind of bums you out, because it's her wedding. And one day you'll have a wedding, maybe. And when you do, can not invite your aunt and then you can send her a letter and say

That's how it felt That's it and that's it. Yeah, because the point of life is to hold grudges over decades Abigail that's the real key to adulthood. I'm just kidding. Don't hold grudges. It's terrible resentment is a bitter pill that you swallow. John, if you could move on to the next question, that is what my silence indicated you should be doing. Okay, instead of harping upon regret and grudges. Holding grudges over.

I told Hank, I'm over. I mean, it's a new me, it's full-time pessimism me. Get used to it. It's next question comes from Michelle who writes, dear John and Hank, sometimes when I listen to the pod, I'm confused by the way you speak about yourselves as siblings. Hank, I like this question because it reminds me of my all-time favorite semi-serious conspiracy theory in which people became convinced that we were not really siblings and we're just putting it on for the cameras so that we could have this project called brotherhood 2.0 but we weren't really related in a recent podcast john talked about a nickname that he wanted in middle school that didn't go well and hangk seemed to know nothing about this a second anecdote was about hangk going to prom without a date and this sounded like news to john and indeed it was i have no idea

if hangk went to proms or with whom he went or even who Hank's friends were really. Also, in the past, one or both of you will say, my mom, but when I mention a story about my mom to my own brother, I refer to her as mom. Were you too estranged as children? Is it a coincidence that both of your surnames are green? And in fact, you are not related by blood? I mean, I do believe that you're truly brothers,

but I've wondered if you realize the way you speak about your childhood sounds, a tad sketchy. Huge fan of the pod and look forward to reading Hank's novel, An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, which comes out September 25th. These two words go well together. Michele, my bell.

No, no, no. I mean, we've, it's hard to talk about, Michele, together, me, Shell, my bell. I mean, we've, it's hard to talk about, Michelle, because, gah. Ha ha ha ha, because why? You should just tell the truth, John. Don't make something up,

it will continue the conspiracy theory. The truth is, Michelle, the truth is, we're brothers. We came from the same parents, we have the same parents. Yep, all the way around, both parents lived in the same house growing up. So there's a couple of pieces of this, Michelle.

First, or Michelle, as would be assumed by your Beatles lyric, Sign Off. One, we're old now, and we don't remember anything from childhood. Yeah, I remember a few things about Hank as a child. I remember that he was physically smaller than I was, but not by as much as you would expect for the age difference. I remember that he hoarded money in a very weird way. That, that's very obsessive about his money and not spending it. And so I would often just take it from him and spend it

because, you know, that's what money's for. I remember that he had a walk man and some tapes. I am really, the only reason I remember he had the walk man Michelle to be honest with you is that he sometimes hit his money inside of that walk man. So I would open up the tape player and I would take the money out and go buy a slurpee or whatever. I remember that John had a computer in his room and that was a big deal. I remember our house.

I remember John's friends and how they used to put on deodorant and I was like, they're so grown up, they're putting on deodorant and then I I put on deodorant, and then I felt weird and bad about it, like I didn't want to grow up yet. I remember things like that, so they're moments, but like in general, you gotta remember that you're gonna forget things. So, when, I'd say I've probably forgotten

90% of the things about my own life, and that includes about John's life, and probably I've forgotten more things about John than about me. So yeah, there's that part. And then there's that John and I have gotten really used to talking to people, like talking to an audience rather than talking to each other, which is what we are doing in part here. And so we will not say mom because we aren't thinking that way.

And in fact, sometimes I will say our mom to indicate to people who I am talking about. But more likely, I'm just gonna say my mom because I'm not thinking about John as much as I probably should be. But we are, when we talk with each other privately, we do talk about mom and dad. We don't try to claim them for only one of us.

I don't say, when I talk to Hank, I don't say like my dad said that I would probably hurt Hank's feelings, although I think we all know that he is my dad first, literally. Um, he's been your dad for longer. The other thing is that I went to boarding school when Hank was 11. And so Hank was a little kid when I left for boarding school and- I wasn't a little kid.

I was a pretty big kid. Physically, yeah. But I mean, he wasn't the person he is now. And in some ways, when I would come home for the summer, every year Hank would be a different person than he had been when I left at the beginning of the school year. So I think that had a big impact on the way that our relationship developed. And then for most of our 20s, we didn't talk that much. Like we liked each other a lot.

And when we did have conversations, they were always really interesting conversations. But we just didn't have like a shared project that held us together. And I think that's something that we've always needed. And boy, did we find it? Or it plus more. Many of them. Yes. I mean, I think we'd probably argue that we talk too often now. I remember when you would come home from school, I'd be like, John, my big brother, and he's so fun and I like him so much. And then three days later, I'd be like, John, I'm my big brother and he's so fun and I like him so much. And then three days later, I'd be like,

I cannot believe that he's going to be in this house all summer. Yeah. Yeah, well believe me, the feeling was mutual. I also couldn't believe that I was going to be in that house all summer. And I would try to get kicked out of it, you know, smoking in my room, et cetera.

But our parents were just too kind and loving. There was like, go stay in the tree house. Go, just live on the streets of Merritt Park. What I find weird about that is that we didn't have a tree house. We had a fort. Not a tree house. Not in high school, buddy. I was gone by high school.

I don't remember when the fort got taken down. I mean, hey Hank, okay, question. I was recently in Florida and I saw a go for tortoise and I was trying to explain to the kids what a go for tortoise was. And in the process of explaining it, you immediately realize that like this is a species that has absolutely no business being alive on Earth in the 21st century. But anyway, They do fine. I mean, it is a slow moving land animal. We shouldn't have any of those anymore. But that's not relevant to the story. I have a vivid memory that we had a pet gopher tortoise inside.

Huh? Nope. Oh, God. Really? Definitely not. OK, OK. No, dad would never have let us take like a threatened species Huh? Nope. Oh God. Really? Definitely not. Okay. No, dad would never have let us take like a threatened species out of the wild into our home.

No way. Can I finish? Can I finish? Yes. Okay. So at that house in the front yard, there was some kind of like concrete block rectangle. Do you remember that at least?

I do. Almost like a foundation for a tiny, tiny house. Yeah, yeah. But there's no house on top of it. And it was by the fort. It was by the fort exactly. Now, I want you to go one level deeper in your imagination and remember when for several months, there was a freaking gopher tortoise living inside of that enclosure.

I do not remember that. God! Neither does dad. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa would have kept it captive. And also, I don't think that there were a lot of go for tortoises in Merit Park. You know, there's not a car's around. No, I agree. No, it doesn't make sense except that it happened. It, I agree. It's like, it's like when you wake up from a dream and you're like, wow, that's amazing.

I could fly for four hours. That seems so unusual. This next question comes from Brea or Brea who asks, where do snakes poop out of? Great question. Great question. Great question. It just comes right out of the tip of their tail. It's just they wiggle it around,

like the rattlesnakes go, rrr, except they poop comes out. That's not actually what happens. That's wrong. It comes out of work. Yeah, I think I do, because I think I've seen snake poop. It kind of comes out from the bottom

like near the tail, but not quite at the tail. There's a hole and that hole is the hole that the poop comes out of. Correct. That is how it works. It's the end of the digestive system. And actually, a snake's have tails, which is like that's the weird part to me. So, like, a snake tail, you can think of it in two ways. One, there's a head, and then directly attached to the head is the tail. Right. And it's just, whoop. But physiologically, there is a place at which snakes used to have legs, and they used to have hip bones,

and all of the, like of the body of the snake, which looks just sort of like a tail, is actually body. And it has lungs in it, it has digestive system in it, it has heart and all the stuff that happens in a body, and then where the hips would happen is a place, and that's where the cloaca is that the poop comes out of, and then a tail after that. And there's actually, cloaca is that the poop comes out of and then and then a tail after that and there's actually like you can see if you Hold up the snake the right way you can see kind of where a snake's body turns into its tail

I got an image in my head right now of the snake, but it has semi normal arms and legs and it walks upright And it's really freaking me out pretty bad Is it like that like human arms and legs? and it walks upright, and it's really freaking me out pretty bad. Is it like that like human arms and legs? So it's just like a human with human length arms and legs, but then just a skinny snake body. It's human arms and legs, but snake-sized. So it's really just kind of a miniature human,

but with scales and detail. And the fact that it's naked is upsetting to me. Like, it's humanoid enough that I'm thinking to myself, like put some shorts on. Are the scales skin colored? No, the arms and legs are definitely skin colored, but the scales are snake colored. So you've got to-

What about instead of that, it's just got hands, it's got hands where it's arms and legs would be. So it just like runs over on its fingers. That, there's actually a word for that. It's called a skink. Ah! They do kinda look like that.

Yeah, we already invented an animal like that. What we haven't yet invented is a humanoid snake, like a centaur, but for snakes. What does it have a human head? Great question, Hank, and one that I had not thought about carefully enough. Well, if it's a centaur for snakes, then it's got like a human body that sticks up out of the snake,

and then it's just like snake, like it's a snake that ends in like a human torso. And I feel like that does exist. I feel like there's something about that. That exists. Like that picture's in my head. Yeah, I agree. No, I'm picturing that it has a snake head,

but it can talk, and it's very air you dite. So it always, it only like uses multicellabic words and speaks with a lot of certainty about everything. It's like a Twitter troll. So the echidna, which is not the echidna, it's just also called the echidna, is a half-woman half-snake monster that lives inside of a cave. And there's a number of other similar human snake crosses. I'm sorry, we have to get to another question.

From various mythologies. We have this really good picture of one from Japan that I would not want to be friends with. We have an emergency question. It just came in three weeks ago, but I've only just seen it. And it's from Shailane, and she writes, Hi, John and Hank, I just clogged my friend's toilet.

Do I tell them or just quietly wait until they realize it? Memento Mori Shalane. That's so presumably you're still in the toilet. I mean, when this happens to me, I like, I have, I have developed a strategy, and I know that it's not for everyone. I have developed a strategy and I know that it's not for everyone. I walk out of the bathroom and is rapidly as I can. I go to the owner of the house and I say, where is your plunger? Yeah.

If the plunger is not there, if the plunger is there, I plunge. And that's what the plunger is there for. I go out the window. Burn the house down. No,. I go out the window. Burn the house down. I just go out the window. Maybe I see them in six weeks or something and they're like, hey, did you leave our party? And I'll be like, oh yeah, I had a thing.

I got a call and my brother had an emergency. And I, yeah. Well, man, I just like, I can't leave that. I can't leave that to the next person, you know? Oh, I can, I can, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so I'm just like, take me to your plunger, and if they don't have a plunger, then I'm like, I mean, like I have been in this situation

at like a colleague's house, not even like a friend, and basically it's like, okay, no one go in the bathroom until I fix this. And that's, yeah, and it was like a 45 minute long process and I was really sweaty the whole time. Wow. Just like, like, like, fear sweat, you know? Wow. The water pressure was really bad.

So I had to like,, had to get water from elsewhere to refill the toilet tank. Oh my God. Did we need to go to here? No, I don't think we needed to go all the way to there, but you chose to. We're here now. I was just trying to solve a problem.

And you had to introduce a really detailed personal anecdote. This next question comes from Adam who asks, Dear Hank and John, a couple months ago my math teacher was talking about Olympians getting in trouble for drug use and he said that the Olympics keeps samples of all of the contestants urine for a few years. So does that mean that there's some kind of Olympic haul

of urine? The haul of urine? Can I go to Athens to observe the urine of different athletes? See, compare colors, et cetera. Cheers, Adam. He's got some weird hobbies, Adam. So there is indeed a laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland that extors Olympian P. And I don't think it's open to the public.

So like it definitely shouldn't be. Hobby, then you have to find a different one. But yeah, there are many, many peak ups, I imagine that they're just peak ups. I'm surprised that like they can like ensure that whatever is chemically going on is not changing over time though, I assume that the chemistry there's ways to figure out

maybe byproducts or et cetera. And also like the idea of that is that they can, in the future, test for things that they're not sure that how to test for right now. So that's pretty amazing. But yeah, there's a hall of urine and it contains some of the urine of some of the most accomplished athletes on the planet. If you walked into that home of someone who you knew well but you'd never been to their house before, okay?

Maybe a colleague, say, or a friend, whatever. You walk in their house and it's a nice house, everything's well-appointed, it's got marble countertops and all that stuff, and then along one wall there's a built-in bookshelf with lots of books, obviously a well-read person, and then along another wall there's just hundreds of maybe three-inch tall bottles of yellow liquid. And you ask the person, oh I noticed you have a sizable collection of containers of yellow liquid. What's the, what's that?

And then they said, oh I have a urine sample from everyone who's ever visited my home. Would you think that was cool or would you think that was weird? What? Like, do you think that would be a cool collection or do you think that would be like, how would you feel in that moment is my question? In that moment, I would feel like I had apparently signed up for something for my arriving that I had not signed up for.

That's my main concern. My main concern is not like, oh look, this is like, like what an interesting hobby. It's like, oh, now I have to give this person my pee. I don't, yeah, I think you could just say like, well, for the record, I technically have not visited yet. And then you make your decision right then. What made me think about this, and I may have told this story on the pod before,

because it was for the hair. Oh yeah, I have, okay. It's so profoundly upsetting to me. I think about it all the time. I tell that story all the time now too. And I was just like, I can't believe, for those of you who haven't heard, John once went to a person's house

and they had a lock of their child's hair from every haircut They had from birth to the age of 18 in the public front bathroom Yeah, and the in the bathroom that is reserved especially for guests as if to say this is what I want The people who visit my home to look at while they urinate who visit my home to look at while they urinate. In a way, the art that goes in your guest bathroom should be the art that you're most proud of because it's the art that people are most likely to take a good long look at. And that is what's so disturbing to me about it. That it was every, I can't emphasize this enough.

It was hundreds of haircuts. Okay, yeah. Oh my God. So, if you're gonna take a piece of every person who comes into your home, what is the way to do that that isn't the ways we have so far discussed? That might actually be interesting and kind of cool.

Okay, no, I don't give me like a fingernail clip, I don't. Okay, no, I got one. I don't give me like a fingernail clipping. I got one. P and a cup. I got one. What is it? On the way out the door, every person who visits, the last thing you say to them, it's such a pleasure to see you.

Thanks for coming over. It's such a fun time tonight. I'm gonna need your left sock. Here's my left sock board. It's down in the basement. Do you wanna see it? As you can see here, there are many, many left socks from lots of wonderful people,

and now I require yours. There was a time in my life when I spent time in sort of like, I don't know, punk rock flop house type places where you would go and like spend a night because you needed a place to sleep because you're on tour and such. And places like that would often have like you just right on the wall. Which is kind of a cool thing, but also not the way that we imagine aesthetics being okay these days, to just like take out a sharpie and write on a house isn't how we respect our living spaces, but very cool in the places where I have done it. I would much rather just have a guest book, frankly, than a wall devoted to signature. I've never got about guest books. Yeah, we invented that idea, Hank,

and then we just kind of, we made it smaller than a wall and more portable. It's lovely. I'm glad that we've made the journey all the way from everybody who visits this place has to leave their pee to, you know, why not just sign your name in a guest book and write a little note? Okay, enough, more than enough, really. This next question comes from Chris who writes, hey, brothers, I was lying in bed thinking about hamburgers and how the buns have sesame seeds on them, not the buns that Hank eats. If you buried a hamburger in the ground, could the sesame seeds still sprout into a sesame plant?

This was not really a question designed for someone with a light lisp. Would the burger help or hurt this process sealed with a criss? That's good. You know, I think probably sesame seeds have been toasted to the point where they can are no longer viable seeds. I think that mostly we fairly toasted sesame seeds. Though I did a little bit of light research, it was not able to discover whether or not

you could plant a burger bun and have a sesame plant grow. But it turns out sesame plants are pretty easy to grow if you have viable sesame seed. Mm, okay. They are a desert crop. They don't need a lot of water. And 75% of Mexico's sesame seed crop is purchased by McDonald's for use globally.

In fact, not just in the US. Wow. Well, and you can't eat them. I can't. I cannot eat sesame seeds. It's too bad. And you're missing out on almost nothing. Well, I'm missing out on all the things that they put between the sesame seed buns, which...

Right, I guess. I still not great. I mean, I had a Big Mac recently because McDonald's has had an ad campaign, and their ad campaign is like, have I had a Big Mac recently because McDonald's has had an ad campaign, and their ad campaign is like, have you had a Big Mac recently? And I was like, I haven't. And then I found myself like driving past a McDonald's and I was like, dang, that advertising campaign worked so well because I'm about to have a Big Mac. I don't know if I've ever had a Big Mac. It's the one with like the third piece of bread, right? That is correct. It's like a club sandwich with a burger with special sauce,

which is just thousand island dressing, I think, and not like high end thousand island dressing either. So I had a big Mac. Usually I would tailor my hamburger order, you know, so that I can have the hamburger I want. But this time I was just thinking I'm gonna go full on and what the advertisement told me to do do which is just to have a big Mac Hmm. So I went to the drive-thru I just said can I have a big Mac please first off

I was astonished by how much it cost the the calorie to dollar ratio of a big Mac is Really excellent, but the big Mac itself was a complete disappointment Yeah, oh God it was very below average. I'm sorry, it's gonna be very awkward when in a few episodes from now McDonald's sponsors the podcast and we're like, have you had a big Mac lately? Thanks to our sponsor McDonald's, pervayer of the finest highly processed food available in America today. No, I thought the big Mac was a complete disappointment, I have to say.

And I don't even mind a disgusting fast food burger. I really like them, but this one did not do it for me. I like the little ones, John. That's why I never get a Big Mac because I mostly want like a very small hamburger. Oh, yeah, no, that's my McDonald's order. Yeah. There's two cheeseburgers in fries. Yeah, the double cheese, two cheeseburgers, and these things are like 59 cents. It's how did this happen? How did this food occur for less than a second Jueiya? How's that happening? Are you trying to make, slightly off topic,

but are you trying to make a second Jueiya happen? Yeah, I think that's a common phrase. You call it a sacajuea. You think like a buck. People prefer to one dollar as a sacajuea. You think that's something that anyone has ever done other than you. I think it's a very common way of saying a dollar, yes.

Hey, people don't even spend sacajueas. John, the only way to make change happen is to assume and to pretend as if you are living in the world that has already changed. That's very beautiful. If only you weren't applying it to Sacajawayas. And I mean, whatever, one dollar coins are better than one dollar bills. I'm on board, Hank. I'm calling it a sack of Jueh, from here on out.

That's right. I just, I love to acquire and spend sack of Jueh as there were a tenth of a Hamilton and a hundredth of a grant. 50th of a Benjamin. Wait. Is Grant on the hundredth? I don't know. I think the Benjamin's on the hundred.

The sack of Jueh, it's worth four quarters. Which reminds me, John, that this podcast is brought to you by me being right. Me being right. And John being wrong. It happens sometimes. Today's podcast is also brought to you by the United States Mint. The United States Mint is still trying to make Sacajawaya's happen. I mean, defresh.

This podcast is also brought to you by a snake with human hands. Snake with human hands. Also, a newt. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by John's pet. Go for tortoise. John's pet. Go for tortoise. Very probably fictional.

And additionally, this podcast is brought to you by our actual sponsor this week, John. The game, Rolf. It just came out. We did a Kickstarter for it a while back, and it got funded, and we made it, and now it is a game in the real world, and it's really fun. It's a fun party game. You can look it up.

You can type in Hank's channel, Rolf, if you want to see me playing it with some of my friends. I'd play it with John on the podcast here, but it does require us to be able to see each other and we cannot currently see each other. It is a phenomenally fun game, I have to say. It is everything that I want in a party game. And I have no financial interest in Ralph whatsoever, so I feel like I can say this. It is funny, it is weird, it is much more fun

than the rules make you think it will be. And you end up having a great time with your friends and I really, really dig it. So yeah, do check out Roth. It's great, it's so, so surprisingly fun. It's the Roth, R-O-L-F, and you can find it for sale at dftba.com. All right, thanks to our actual sponsor.

Hey, while we're here, Hank, we also need to start sharing some of the project for awesome messages that people bought to support charities during the project for awesome this year. We really appreciate all the people who did this, and we're going to share some of the messages that they bought on Dear Hank and John, beginning with Aaron and Julian in Melbourne. I think Australia. Our friends Aaron and Julian in Melbourne would like to congratulate the Richmond Tigers who won the AFL Grand Final in 2017. We are so lucky to be alive during this momentous age. It was their first grand final win in 37 years. Whoa, what is a grand final?

And what is the AFL Australian Football League? I googled this. It is Australian Rules Football, which I once saw a real life game of when I was in Australia. And I have never been more astonished by a game whose rules I could not follow in the least. Is the grand final like the Super Bowl of AFL? I believe that the Richmond Tigers are now the world champions of Australian rules football. Alright, after 37 years.

So congratulations to them, That's incredibly exciting. Also Goku would totally beat Superman in a fight. They would like us to note. So we have... I mean, there's only one way to find out, John. And that's to have whoever owns Dragon Ball acquire, whoever owns Superman, and then they can make a movie, whoever owns Superman, and then they can make a movie,

Goku versus Superman, and it probably won't be very good. Well, I'll tell you this, given the decreasing number of Hollywood studios, it is only a matter of time before they are all intellectual property is owned by one company. So that's an exciting future that we have to look forward to. Hey, before we get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, which is tremendously exciting this

week and really worth staying around for, I need to get to one correction from Daniel, who wrote, Dear John in Hank, this is Dr. Daniel Ray, content consultant for the now complete Crash Course Computer Science series. I've just listened to your most recent episode, and I found your computer science advice to listeners Sam and Michael concerning their Wi-Fi security uniquely and acutely dubious. It will do them no good to change their SSID to an absolutely remarkable thing and their password to available for pre-order now. Ha-ha-ha- whether their Wi-Fi Interloper is a hacker or merely

a well-meaning but misguided nerdfighter, nor offer them much protection against either. Here is what I think you should have said. Sam and Michael, it is not okay for someone to hack, or even guess your Wi-Fi password or use your Wi-Fi without permission, nerdfighter notwithstanding, your first step should be to change your password to a random string of at least 10 characters, including special characters and numerals and consider using a password manager to keep up with hard to remember passwords if you don't already. Also, be sure to check your router settings and turn off your SSID broadcast. This will put your router in stealth mode, and you'll have to manually enter your router

name on all your devices, but otherwise your router literally spends all day advertising its existence to everyone that might happen by. Above all else, please don't base your personal security solely on your router's security settings. Depending on your particular settings, your internet traffic encryption is either profoundly broken, probably breakable, or barely serviceable, and likely to be broken at any moment. In this case, that you're inner paranoid out. Make your router's encryption only the first line of defense you have against prying digital

eyes, encrypt everything as much as possible on every device that even catches a whiff of your router's connection. So that's not terrifying at all. But that is what an actual computer science expert thinks that you should do, Sam and Michael, and that also contains a lot of advice for me, and I suspect most of us. So there, there you go. There are so many, like, I hope I open up my little Wi-Fi thingy, and it's just like, I don't even live in a particularly dense area and there's like tons, tons of these things.

Why are they trying to hack me? There's everybody's around. Go hack neighbor person. Well, I think we both know why they're trying to hack you, Hank. To get my awesome bath bomb ideas? Yes, that is why we got that email from the Associated Press recently about the state-sponsored actors trying to hack into our email.

It was to get your bath bomb ideas. I mean, that literally did happen, and I asked him. He was like, the Russians tried to hack you, and we found your name and a list of people that the Russians tried to hack. Do you know why? And I to hack. Do you know why? And I was like, do you know why? I'm a YouTuber, I make podcasts. Well, I was also a Myerspot.

I was like, and he told us how many names were on the list and I was like, that is not nearly enough names to have naturally arrived at Hank and John. Like, why? What did we do? I don't wanna be on this list, that's terrifying. Please take me off the list, sir. Can I please talk to someone in Russia?

About taking my name off the list. I'm just a man in Montana. I made a lot of jokes about Putin in Crash Course World history, but you have to understand. I thought that they were jokes. I didn't realize that he was actually watching my every move. Haha. Uh-huh. Yep. Uh, we're done making videos about the Ukraine, John. It's just over.

That's, that was, uh, it took, I take it back. I, it's funny because I am genuinely terrified. Uh, this isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened a bunch of times and it is really, really scary when it happens. And it does affect the way that people talk. Like it does affect people's public discourse when they know that when they have this like

constant private knowledge that really sophisticated hackers are attempting many, many times to get access to your private email, which they will then want to share. It's a weird feeling, and I don't feel like we are nearly important enough to be experiencing this. But whatever, let's move on. All right. Can I tell you the news from AFC Wimbledon?

Sure. Hank, here's the news from AFC Wimbledon. AFC Wimbledon played Bristol Rovers on Saturday, February 17th. If they tied that game, they would be in a position where in order to secure the 52 points that will likely be needed to stay out of the relegation zone and therefore stay in the third tier of English football. If they tied that game, they would have needed 1.3 points per game on average from their remaining games, which would have meant that they basically have to win every other game, which is much better than they have been doing.

So that's that's worrisome. And in the 90 second minute of that game, it looked like that's what was gonna go down. It looked like it was going to be a nil, nil draw. For the people who don't know how football works or soccer, that it's a 90 minute game, and then there's overage for like extra time that might have not gotten played. Because, and like that, those that time is kind of like subjective

and it's determined by the refs and you don't know how long it's gonna go. So there's a weird moment at the end of a soccer game when you don't know when it's gonna end, which is very weird to me. It is a little weird. The injury time thing is a little odd. But in this particular game,

there were at least three minutes of injury time, which I know because you're hero in mind, Joe Piggit scored a goal in the 93rd minute of the game with nearly the last kick of the game. It was an incredible goal because John Meads and Harry Forrester had to work so hard out on the wing to keep control of the ball and they did it and they got a cross into the middle and Joe Piggett put it in the back of the net and Wimbledon went from needing 1.3 points per game from their remaining games to stay up to needing 1.13 points per game from their remaining games to stay up which is much, much better because that's about what we've averaged this season. So really, we just need to keep being about as good as we've been on average

and we should be able to stay up. And if we do stay up, we are going to remember this game against Bristol Rovers as the critical game because if it wasn't for that last second goal, things might have been very, very different indeed. Wimbledon now find themselves all the way up in 18th place. Well, bear in mind that you can only be in 20th and stay up. So it's not that good. But yeah, 18th place, one point clear of the relegation zone. That's right, one point clear.

It's pretty densely packed there at the bottom, I guess. It's a bit dense at the bottom. There's quite a lot of teams not doing great. The one team that does appear likely to go down at least at the moment is the franchise currently applying its trade in Milton Keynes. Obviously, if the script writers are writing this, it comes down to the last game of the season with either the real dawns or the fake dons headed down to league two. I really hope that the script writers aren't writing this

and that Wimbledon just, when their next five games put all of this out of consideration and we can all go back to not waking up every morning, looking at extremely complicated graphs of how many points were needed in each of the last 27 seasons in order to stay in league one. Cool. Well, I'm glad. When I saw that note come up on my little feed and it said, Joe Pigett, 90 plus three, I was like, are you what? One point of score in the game

and the third minute of overage, I texted you immediately. It was probably the first football-related text I've ever received from Hank. It's got like a big step forward in our relationship. By the way, some people have written into ask how they can support the dawns. There are a few ways.

I just want to go over a couple real quick before we get to the news from Mars, which is of course extremely important. One way is that you can become a member of the Don's Trust, which only costs about 35 bucks a year, and then you can become a part owner of the team. You can just Google AFC Wimbledon Don's Trust to become a member and an owner of the team. It's pretty cool. You get a card, and you get a birthday card every year signed by the players or maybe that's only for the kids. I can't remember. Anyway, it's great being a

member of the Don's Trust because you know you get to own the football team that you support. And another way is you can buy merch. You can buy merch at their store. You can also buy merch at dftba.com where we've got a great AFC Wimbledon Nerdfighteria scarf that'll keep you warm and remind you of your favorite third-tier English soccer team. John, and news from Mars, we, you know about NASA's James Webb Space Telescope, right? Oh, yeah, of course.

So the James Webb Space Telescope is designed to see things that are very far away and are very faint. And in order to do that, it is going to be basically hiding in a shadow in space so that it isn't being hit at all by the sun. And it will be in the shadow of the earth. And it will be there all the time. And so it'll be nice and cold, no interference from the sun at all.

And it'll be able to take these extremely sensitive measurements of deep space and things that are very far away. But there's also some guaranteed observation time going to observe Mars. And this is a little weird because of course if you want to observe Mars, there's lots of spacecraft right there at Mars doing it. So why would we need something that's far away from Mars observing Mars? Well, I'll tell you, John, because when you're in orbit around a planet, you can actually only see a little bit of it at a time. So if I'm a satellite orbiting Earth or orbiting Mars, I only get to take a picture of

what I'm above right now or what my lens can see in its field of view, whereas the web will be able to observe Mars in total all at once, and it will be able to do extremely sensitive measurements of Mars, which will allow it to see things like atmosphere at composition, how much water there is coming off the surface and into the atmosphere, how much methane there is in the atmosphere, which is a big question right now because we're finding weird trace amounts of methane and we don't really know where it's coming from and this will help with that.

But this is a huge kind of problem for the web. It's not really designed to do this, but they want to use it for this purpose because there's no better tool up there to do it. Because it's really designed to see stuff that's much farther away. Like Mars is basically too close. So they have to do a number of things so that the light coming from Mars isn't so bright that it overwhelms the telescope sensors. And they have to also, because Mars is so close, that actually for the web, we'll be moving quite quickly. So the web telescope will have to also, because Mars is so close that actually for the web will be moving quite quickly. So the web telescope will have to track Mars as it moves in relative to the telescope's position,

which means that it, like, whereas if it's observing a star, that star is staying in the same place, the telescope is moving around the Sun, but the star is staying in the same place. The telescope is moving around the sun, but the star is staying in the same place. But with Mars, both the telescope is moving around the sun, and Mars is moving in a different path around the sun, which creates a lot of necessary movement for Web to track with the planet and continue these observations. Which is really cool that it's possible at all and that these observations are gonna be able to get done by what will be the most sensitive telescope ever created and it will tell us more about the history of Mars

and about current day Mars as well. That's very interesting, Hank. Just a quick correction, if I might. Okay. And correct me if I'm wrong about this correction, which I think there's at least a 75% chance of. Stars do move, right? It's just they move relatively slowly.

Yeah, they move very slowly. You can actually see animations of how constellations will change over the next 100,000 years. And so the humans that lived 100,000 years. Yeah. And so the humans that lived 100,000 years ago looked up and saw a different night sky with different constellations, which is a crazy thing to think. But it is the case.

But yeah, the stars move relative to each other. They, of course, rotate around the center of their galaxy. So yeah, stars do move, they just move relatively slowly. Yeah, I just wanted to say that because I think one of the most interesting things about the universe is how we were always looking for the fixed point, you know? First we thought it was the earth and we thought it was the sun. And it turns out that there may be aren't fixed points. Yeah, I mean, that's what relativity is thought of all about. Yeah, I just think that's such an interesting and kind of beautiful thing.

Anyway, thanks for potted with me today Hank, it's been a pleasure. It's been fun hanging out with you as well, John. What, if anything, did we learn today? Very little, if we're being honest. I mean, it wasn't our best performance. I suppose we learned that the Richmond Tigers won the AFL Grand Final in 2017. Yes, we did, and we learned that if you would like

to take some record of the visitors to your home, probably a good physical memento is just a guest book and not a piece of their body or secretions. Yeah, probably to stick with a guest book. We also learned that holding grudges over decades is not recommended. And we learned that John is abandoning optimism. It's over, it's over from me and optimism.

I'm all the way on pessimism now. I'm going hard the other direction. I am a full-time pessimist. Humans have no future. It does seem a little bit more like your natural state to be totally sort of brotherly frank with you. Yeah, no. I think what you're feeling is that I am in a lot of ways a negative person. I'm a person who worries a lot about negative outcomes and negative consequences and

tries through worrying about them to prevent them. But I don't think that that means that I've been a pessimistic person in my life. In fact, I think that I've been quite optimistic and I've benefited from that optimism. But now I'm going to see if I can benefit more from being hardcore pessimistic. Okay, we'll see how it goes. Thank you for everyone for listening to us. If you would like to listen to our bad podcast, which is available for our patrons on Patreon, you can go to patreon.com slash deer hankajon and get access to this week in Ryan's, which

John and I are about to record. It's basically a podcast in which we try and figure out who the other one is talking about for about 15 minutes and then we make fun of each other. Also, if you want to email us, you can do so at Hank and John at gmail.com. We welcome your questions and we love answering them, but we apologize for the fact that we don't answer the vast majority of them. There are so many good ones! This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

It's produced by Rosie on a Halsey Rojas and shared in Gibson. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonjorno. The music that you're hearing and the music at the beginning and the beginning of this week and Ryan's is by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. gonna roll up and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome.