Dear Hank & John - 130: The LaCroix Boix

Episode Date: March 5, 2018

How much sand is there? How do I unfriend the murder? How does one finance baby? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is our free thing with Dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your question, give you a few advice and bring you all the way to the farthest AOC Wimbledon. John, how are you doing today? Well, Hank, I just returned from a four-hour trip to Ikea. So it's not like it was like a four-hour drive to get there? Oh no, no, it's only about 30 minutes away,

but we spent a long time at IKEA. There was many things that needed to be purchased. Oh, it was a lot. It was a big endeavor. I've never been to one. What I imagine having heard about them is that it's basically like you go in and then you have to like walk a predetermined path.

Like there's no like aisles like a grocery store. I don't know if this is how Ikea is, but this is how I imagine it. There's no aisles, it's just like a maze, like a labyrinth that you have to walk through and you just, and then at the end of the labyrinth you is the cashier. You know that is astonishingly accurate.

That is more or less exactly what Ikea is like. The only difference from your imagination and reality is that at the end, before you get to the cashiers, there's this huge warehouse where you have to pick out everything that you want, and none of it is, of course, made. And so it's all, so you have to go home in flat boxes. Put in 50 hours of labor

with you and your very small alun wrench. Do they have hot dogs that Ikea? I don't know, because the last thing I wanted to do was spend another hour there eating. I will say this though, it is a wonderful, wonderful test of where you're at with your marriage to make IKEA furniture together. It's just a great way to check in on, am I able to cooperate with this person in extremely

difficult circumstances? I feel the same way about building furniture and checking in with yourself. Like if you can build an item of furniture without a single time screaming or throwing something across the room, you basically are like six steps down the path to enlightenment. Yeah, I've never gotten anywhere close to that. I've never finished an IKEA project without crying. And that includes just a few minutes ago, when all I had to do was screw four screws

into the back of a chair. Still couldn't do it. All right, let's get to some questions from our listeners. That was a very good poem to start us out with, John, it was really touching. Okay, let's get to some questions from our listeners. This first one comes from Tyler, who writes, dear John and Hank, I recently came into the possession of a very significant amount of

Glecroy. I won the grand prize of their holiday giveaway. What? Which is a year's supply of Glecroy. However, I don't know how much of a grasp Glecroy has on how much of their product, even an enthusiast such as myself consumes in a year, as I will be receiving 100 cases of 24 cans of peace, which of course comes out to 24 hundred cans of McCroly. My question to you is this, what does one do with 24 hundred cans of McCroly? I could of course throw a McCroly-themed party, but what activities could there be besides enjoying the delicious natural essence of Gakroy? Any dubious advice is appreciated. Tyler.

Okay. Wow. Okay, I guess this is like a year's supply of Gakroy for a family of four maybe? No. I like Gakroy, but I almost came at Tyler for being like, are you a true enthusiast if you don't drink and then I did the math, six and a half cans of Lucroy a day. That seems like a lot. I think I could drink six and a half cans of,

actually, if Lucroy wants to send me 2400 cans of Lucroy, I will right now guarantee you that I will drink all 2400 cans myself over the course of one year. And then you'll just build an airplane with the leftover aluminum? Well, I suppose the environment to consider, but maybe I'll just use the aluminum to build a new addition onto my house to hold all of my new IKEA furniture. So, additional question.

I didn't realize that when you got a year's supply of something, you got it all up front. Like, if you get a year's supply of Snickers, like, do you have like a area of your house that is now Snickers? Because I buy like a week or two's worth of food at a time. If I have a year's supply of anything, it's gonna take up more space

than all the rest of the food in my house, especially apparently 2,400 cans of La Croix. Not only that, but I mean, I'm not an expert in food safety, everyone knows that. But it seems to me that drinking a year old La Croix has to be not quite as good as drinking like a freshly canned La Croix. I feel deeply that that is not the case. I've bet there is not a significant chemical difference

between those two lucroy's. Tyler, you have to have a series of lucroy parties. You have to have one every month for the entire year. And you'll become known in your community as the lucroy boy. And it'll be great. It'll be great for you. And then the craziest thing about it, Tyler, is that when all these parties are over and when you're having the last La Croix party from your year supply of La Croix, you're going to find yourself thinking, I want this to continue. Just like I did at the end of the Brotherhood 2.0 project I did with my brother. And you're going to go out and you're going to buy your own 2400 cans of La Croix so that you can continue to be the La Croix boy for the rest of your life and I for one

Celebrate that Tyler. I hope that you have a La Croix party once a month every every month for the rest of your life um And it's not that expensive. I'm looking at book La LaCroix and you can get 24 for just 10 bucks. No, it's a thousand dollars a year. Yeah, you know, you could be spending that, like you probably spend more than that on coffee. The question, no, probably not. That's the only way. Where's the old coffee? This is coffee at the very expensiveest coffee place. It's called This is coffee at the very expensiveest coffee place. It's called Shmushmi Coffee and it's got all the best and there's meatballs too.

I lost the podcast notes, John. I'll say. I'm back. Okay. Question, can you turn your LaCroix into profit? I don't mean resell the LaCroix, but I mean like maybe it'd be like free LaCroix at the thing that you do where you also provide

a service or sell items. That is such a Hank Green way to get rid of 2400 cans of LaCroix. Is there any way that you can skirt the rules in order to accidentally make money? You could also just save money by saying, okay everybody I'm having a potluck once a week, for you, my friends, free LaCroix,

and I'll also have a bag of chips. You bring food. And then you're getting, you won't have to buy the food as much. That's a great idea. Do you think you'd get tired of LaCroix if you drank six and a half cans of it a day every day for a year because I don't think I would.

I assume that they also provided a variety of flavors. It's not just just pomplumous. It's a bunch. And I think in that case, no, I would not. I'd be like, oh, but I would, I would discover that I had a favorite and I would regret the fact that I had so much tangerine, and I don't really like it that much. I, you know, I used to not like tangerine hank. I find myself, whenever I find a lacroya flavor I don't like, I get it more often as a way of trying to train my palate into understanding

why- Complexity. The geniuses that lacroy chose to release this flavor flavor like obviously they know more about sparkling water than I do They make the greatest sparkling water in the world So if they say that tangerine tastes good I I need to keep drinking it until I understand that they are right and in the case of tangerine That did actually happen now there have been a few look Roy flavors that I just have not been able to bring myself around to, but I haven't quit. I'm very impressed by your efforts, John. Uh, we have talked a lot about Le Croix,

and I have several other things to say, but I'm gonna move on instead. Does that seem like a good plan? Yeah, sure. If you don't want to get a Le Croix sponsorship, but yeah, go ahead and move on. This question's from Sarah, who asks, Dear Hank and John,

I've been watching Eons on YouTube recently, and I'm absolutely loving it. It's our show, a YouTube.com slash Eons on YouTube recently and I'm absolutely loving it. It's our show, a YouTube.com slash Eons. In the episode, the search for earlier life, Blake mentions a quote, team of Japanese scientists found some rocks and the article of their work published showed on screen.

What I'm wondering is in the mention of the scientists being Japanese, is that necessary? Is there something about their study or published work that makes it necessary to inform that the scientists were from Japan? I wonder if this is also similar in literature world saying like a Japanese writer.

Is there inherent racism when mentioning these details, DFTBA Sarah? In general, when we talk about scientific publications, we usually will say, on SciShow anyway, we'll say like a team of scientists from the University of Blank because you want to give credit to the people from that university. What I suspect is the situation here, the actual situation, is that it was from multiple different Japanese universities and so we shortened it to a team of Japanese scientists. shortened it to a team of Japanese scientists. Yeah, that's possible.

I also, you hear this a lot with artists, like when artists are identified in wall labels or when they're identified in episodes of the art assignment or whatever, their nationality is usually stated. And I've heard a few reasons for that in talking to curators about this. One of the reasons I've heard is few reasons for that in talking to curators about this. One of the reasons I've heard is that it helps people to understand that people are doing

work all over the world, that people are making art all over the world. Another reason is that it helps people to understand where there might be more support for the arts. So, one reason you might say a team of Japanese researchers is if they were working across multiple universities in Japan partly with government funding from the Japanese government. So yeah, I'm definitely not an expert about this but I think it's pretty common across disciplines and when it comes to authors I usually assume that people state nationality as a way of stating the language in which the text was originally written. But I don't know, it's always felt very weird to me when I'm traveling and people introduce me as an American author.

I always feel really uncomfortable with that because the idea of the American writer is just a little problematic to me for a few reasons. But yeah, let's move on. But yeah, I do like that, you know, I think that it's good to say, to introduce that there is other work going on in other places in the world, because if you just say a team of researchers, our brain sort of default to the default, and our brain is, if you're an American, your brain will default to the default, and our brain is, if you're an American, your

brain will default to it being American. And that might even be the case for a lot of places. A lot of people might assume a team of researchers means a team of American researchers just because there's an awful lot of research that gets done in America, and it's good to spread that love and let people know that interesting things are happening all over the world. All right, Hank, we've got a great, great question from Patrick. Usually I don't enjoy it when people email Dear Hank and John and ask us to do their homework for them, but in this particular case, I did enjoy it because I liked the homework

assignment. Patrick writes, Dear John and Hank, in English class, we are learning about fake news and propaganda, and as an assessment, we have to write a fake news story, among other things. The only problem is I have no idea what to write it on. Can you give me some ideas? Patrick. He had also had a very long Latin sign off, but I'm not even going to try to read it because it doesn't lend itself to my talents. But the good news here, Patrick, is that I am an expert in fake news. I have retweeted so much of it. in fake news. I have retweeted so much of it. I mean, in the science world, it's so easy to create fake news and people do it all the time.

All you have to do is say that something that's bad for you is actually good for you. Right. People take that up like, it's like, oh, chocolate's good now? Excellent. We're gonna write a lot of stories about that. That's excellent headline. Here's the thing, Tyler. A good fake news story does exactly one thing. It confirms a belief that someone already has with a fake fact. So if you are trying to convince me to retweet fake news, tell me that somebody wearing a make America great again hat did something terrible.

Yes, yes, or... You were trying to get somebody who disagrees with me to retweet fake news. Tell them that, you know, the somebody who committed a heinous crime did so because they were such huge fans of Hillary Clinton. Or if you want to get John to retweet some fake news, you got to talk about, like write a story in which all of the players of AFC Wimbledon did something really great to support gun

control. It's just all of his favorite things, all in one. Well, okay, that's actually a good example, though, Hank, because one of the keys to fake news is it has to be in an area where the person who's reading it and sharing it doesn't actually know that much about it because if it were that, if it were that AFC Wimbledon story, I would immediately be suspicious, right? Because I know a lot about AFC Wimbledon.

There are no AFC Wimbledon press releases. I don't read. There are no AFC Wimbledon. There are no AFC Wimbledon press releases. I don't read. There are no like AFC Wimbledon news stories with which I am unfamiliar. So like you don't play to someone's expertise. You play to their biases. That's true. That's true.

You got to come in from an area of ignorance. And in general, it's just about helping people in a kind of way, helping people feel more comfortable in their perspective on the world. And that is the nicest way to say it. Yeah. Fake news tells you you were right all along, even when the data said you were wrong, you were right. And that's why you've been eating so much chocolate for your whole life.

Also, Patrick, I would like to apologize for having just repeatedly called you Tyler. Tyler was the lookeroy boy. Sorry, it's a fake news podcast today. I'm only calling people by wrong names. It's the croix boy fell with an O.I.X. John? Of course. I hadn't realized that that's exciting. This next question comes from Mrs. Robinson. Who asks?

Dear Hank and John, how does one finance baby? My husband and I really want a third member of our family to love and cuddle, but we have no idea how to pay for all the things it will need. I can't imagine both of us working full time with a baby in the house and it doesn't, and doesn't it kinda defeat the purpose of having a baby if you hire someone else to do all the day-to-day loving and kissing and changing a poopy diapers. Will we have to come up with a budget? I mean, yes.

I can't imagine our current strategy of just, uh, don't spend money will be applicable to having a needy baby depending on us. I haven't read any of the baby books. Do any of them cover budgets? How did you guys and your families decide you could afford this timeless, very tiring, very expensive adventure? Your dubious advice is much appreciated. God bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson. Great name specific sign off. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Really good. Babies are expensive and forever. Like they don't stop being expensive unless and until they get a job and and also probably even a time after that. Yeah I would say five years after

baby gets its first job is maybe when you can begin to think that the money that you make is yours again. I don't... so there are books about this, but I did find that they were separate. They were separate kinds of books. There was the baby books about babies, and then there was the parenting books about parenting and money, which are not, and I kind of wish, and when I had my childbirth classes, the conversations about money were very infrequent and uncomfortable with all the people in the room. And of course, people are in different situations

and so that is kind of bound to happen to some extent. But it is extremely important to be thinking about it now, and also to be thinking that, yes, your current strategy of just not spending money will not be applicable anymore. Though there are lots of ways to save money, and to not spend money, and to avoid falling into the, oh, this thing is so cute,

I need to buy it or, you know, just having the things that people give you are fine, having a baby shower, people are gonna give you a bunch of stuff, that will get you set off on the right foot. But yes, when your family gets more complicated, you should be thinking about money in a more serious way. Yeah, I do think that budgeting is key. I also wanna say for the record,

I remember when we were going through this, because this was in 2009. I think, Hank, by the time you made the decision to have a baby, you and Katherine were in a pretty secure financial place. Oh, yeah, not, not, yeah, yeah. But when Sarah and I were thinking about having Henry in 2009, we did feel like, oh, maybe we should wait a few years

until, you know, hopefully things are a little steadier financially. And we got some advice from people who said, you're never going to feel ready. And I think that's true, but I think you need to feel ready enough. You aren't, you aren't ever going to be ready to have a child because it's such an all at once change. It's one of the very few proper event changes in a human life. It's really intense and it actually does happen all at once

unlike most things that are sort of processes that we try to ritualize with events. I found it very helpful to have a budget, but it was still stressful. And we were in the scheme of things extremely lucky, and so, but it was still stressful and we were in the scheme of things extremely lucky, but it was still very stressful. My main advice to you is to lean into the baby shower if you can, because most of the expensive stuff is upfront costs except for diapers which are unbelievably expensive. And I also just want to say that I don't buy the argument that there's no point in having a baby

if you have to have child care. Yeah, I agree. There's plenty of poopy diapers. Yeah. There's plenty of poopy diapers. There are plenty of poopy diapers. There are plenty of opportunities to love and to hug on your child,

even if you have to work. And Sarah and I both worked. We went back to work when Henry was 12 weeks old and I don't think that Henry feels any sense of loss from that. In fact, I think it was good for him in some ways to be exposed to different kinds of people, and to feel loved and supported by a variety of people instead of just two.

So obviously every family's different. I don't think there's one right way to parent, but I don't think that you should feel like it's inherently a tragedy if a kid goes to daycare. Yeah, of course not. And also I'd like absolutely feel comfortable relying on friends and family if you have those opportunities, both for childcare, but also for just financial support

if you need that. And, you know, like, to some extent, if grandparents are around to help, they might very well like that. Yeah. They might not. I mean, it depends on the grandparents. They might not. You got to live with the family you get, but we've been very lucky.

I have to say, with lots and lots of, our kids get lots and lots of love from lots of places and that's been a real blessing for us. This next question comes from April, who writes, dear John and Hank, almost every time I get in my car, I worry that I'll be pulled over for speeding. April, I know exactly what this is like.

I spend so much time worrying about being pulled over for speeding I don't speed that much and have never been pulled over for speeding But I've seen it in the movies and I know that the police officer asks do you know how fast you were going and what frightens me is not the speeding ticket But how in the world am I gonna answer that question if I say yes? Does it make it better because I knew I was speeding and take accountability? Or is it better to say no in vain ignorance? Please help me so I can be prepared if this day ever comes. Not February. April. So this is a, like I have gotten the question. Instead of do you know how fast you are going? It's, do you know why I pulled you over? I'm like, no not that.

Oh God, I couldn't, it could be so many different things. Yeah. I don't. Are you a singing telegram? Is it a good thing? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. My, there's like, I always have this impulse to confess every crime I've ever committed when confronted with a police officer for him to be like,

hey, do you know why I pulled you over? And me to be like, is it because, is it because I smoked cigarettes when I was 16? I did, I bought them, I bought them at Kusa Lickers where they cater to spiritual. Is it because I kissed Cheryl when I was still kind of going steady with Miranda? Like, is that why?

No, that's not why. We were super separated. I think. I promise. Okay, when you get that question, you answer it by saying, I don't know why you pulled me over. That is the correct answer. I do not know why you pulled me over.

A police officer once asked me, is there any reason why you're not wearing your seatbelt? And I was wearing my seatbelt. It was just that my shirt was the same color as the seatbelt, and I was like, I don't know this thing that I'm wearing help. My assumption has always been that they ask you, do you know why I'm pulling you over

on the off chance that you might say, is it because of the 800 pounds of hair when in my trunk? Ha ha ha is it because I'm the murderer? I've murdered so many people and I've just been waiting to be caught. Or you just say, are you just like sigh and say yes and then get out of the car and put your hands behind your back?

No, April, I have not gotten a speeding ticket. This is a point of tremendous pride for me. I have not gotten a speeding ticket since I was 22 years old. However, when I got that speeding ticket when I was 22, the moment I began to roll down the window, first off, I was in tears. Secondly, I immediately said to the police officer, I am so sorry. This is entirely my fault. I did not know What the speed limit was and I am sorry and I thought you know, maybe that'll get me it didn't it got me a $242 speeding ticket. Yeah, no that that's my recommendation April just listen Make no sudden movements and and Listen, make no sudden movements, and everything is gonna probably be okay.

But I can't completely, I share this worry, so I feel like I can't completely call you down. Yeah, my last time I got a speeding ticket was September 22nd, 2000, what was it, seven, I think? Okay okay and I know that because of the day before I got married oh man you were in a right state it was 2006 by the way it was 2006 I recently got into a car accident Hank my first car accident oh no yeah almost 15 years. And it is so true that when you're in an emotionally

overwhelmed place, you become a much worse driver. I ran into a postal service vehicle, which was tremendously embarrassing, but also annoying, because even though the damage was quite minor, of course, that car is owned by the United States federal government. damage was quite minor. Of course, that car is owned by the United States Federal Government. And so there were layers involved in getting to the point where I could drive away. And it would never have happened except that my poor dog is dying and it's been a very stressful

couple of months and then also there are a bunch of professional stresses going on at the same time. And the moment I backed into this postal vehicle, I was just like, oh, this never would have happened if I'd been not stressed out. And that is exactly what it was like before you were wedding. You were in a state. I was in a state. I even know that that's like the place where the cops pull people over. You should always, it's like the speed limit goes from like 35 to 25 for this like four block stretch. And it doesn't, the road doesn't change at all.

It's because it's by the hospital. And yeah, I did, I did the thing, John. But it's, yeah, it turned out okay. Thank you for being with me during that, during that stressful time. I don't know why. It's like the most freaked out of it in my whole life. Like, you know, it's over and happy about it.

Like, right. Oh, it's not about whether you're happy about it. It's just a really intense thing. And I remember my wedding as mostly being very, very intense. I often say that like the first 12 hours of my marriage were the most difficult 12 hours so far. My wedding really, really stressed me out, so I can relate.

Yeah, I mean, once it happened, I was super, super down. It was the 24, 48 hours beforehand that was not. It's just events, man, they're hard. It's hard to run an event. Then I did it for a living, for 10 years. You were like, you're like, I'm so good at this, I think I should make it my job. This next question comes from Katya, who asks, do you hank a John?

I just listened to your podcast episode in which you give advice on how to befriend a crow. It just so happens that I have the opposite of that problem. For some reason, my roommate decided to become friends with the many crows that live in our neighborhood, every time she goes out. No, boy. Oh, boy. Every time she goes out, she feeds them some walnuts and they hope that they will recognize her face and see her as an ally. I guess that'll come. Oh God, I don't come in handy when the apocalypse rolls around and you got a bunch of bird friends. I told her from the start that I thought this was a bad idea.

Crows creep me out. Why would you want to befriend them? Well, a few weeks ago, I woke up and got a heart attack when I saw four crows perched in a row on the balcony railing. They were watching me sleep. I think the crew... They won't go away. How do I unfriend the murder? Oh God, I forgot that a group of cr- what's a group of crows called Henry? Do you remember? A murder. A murder of Crows. Henry's here by the way. Henry, do you want to say hi to the podcast? Hi, Henry. Um, hey, Henry, do you think it's a good idea or a bad idea to become friends with crows? A good idea? Why?

a good idea why I could fly on their backs you mean like a group of crows could like hold me up and take me places I guess but they're crows I mean couldn't I do the same thing with like golden eagles? Wouldn't that be cooler? All right. It would hurt more because of their beaks. Why? Their talons. I guess that's true. Henry's thought this through.

He thinks that you should befriend crows so that you can fly places. Yeah, well, maybe that's what your roommate is thinking of Katya. I don't want, like, the thing is, the difference between unfriending a crow and making a crow enemy seems very fraught. I agree that's a very fine line and as much as you don't want to be friends with these crows who are watching you sleep the thing

you really don't want Katya is to have a bunch of enemies have crow enemies. That sounds very scary. This is the exact this is the exact same problem I have with Facebook is like I maybe I don't like I'm just No, you could what he said you could just get a bat and hit them No, you can't do that Henry It's a solution, but I think it's a crime. Yeah, it's also, they're very fast, Crows. This is the, I feel like the exact problem that I have with Facebook, which is I can't, like I feel like not being friends with someone on Facebook, once you are friends with them,

is like a very active decision. And I do not want, I just want to be like, I just don't, like you're just not part of my life anymore, but I don't want to say like unfriended, like I'm hitting them off of my Facebook stream with a bat, and just be like, you're out. And I have, and so, and thus, the crow situation also must be dealt with similarly,

which is just ghost them. Yeah, Katchie, you're gonna have to ghost, not just the crow's, but definitely your roommate. I would argue that the underlying issue here is the roommate. And like, I'm not telling you to be terrified of your roommate and her crow befriending activities, but I mean, do move. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha them that way. Oh, that's a good idea. Try to be as passive-aggressive about it as possible.

Or just be like, look, I'm just not doing this anymore. I'm moving to Viro. Viro is this new social network, and it's totally cool because it's not like Facebook, because it's different from Facebook in ways. And so if you're not going to move over to Viro, we're just can't be friends. And the most important way it's different from Facebook is that Croes aren't allowed to join. Yeah, and Croes can't join Viro.

I know that that's weird, but it's just like for now until the network gets bigger. They can't have Croes on. So much of my life I didn't have a Facebook and I think on average, I don't know. I don't know. I don't wanna talk about it. Let's move on to a different question. This podcast is brought to you by Vero,

that new social network that everyone's talking about, that is different from Facebook somehow. Today's podcast is also brought to you by singing policemen telegrams, singing policemen telegrams, the best reason for getting pulled over. Do you know how fast you're going? It's 37, your birthday!

Uh, I guess it's also brought to you by Tyler the LaCroix boy. Tyler the LaCroix boy. Go to his potlocks, there's free LaCroix. And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by IKEA furniture. IKEA furniture testing the well-being of marriages and individuals since 1971. And also we have a project for awesome message from Jackie in Colorado. This message is for Maggie. I was donation to the project for awesome.

Thank you very much for that Jackie. It says happy 25th birthday, mags as it turns out sending 25 puppies to you in Scotland. It's a little bit impractical, but I figured a podcast announcement would be an entertaining alternative gift. Plus, it's for charity. Have a fantastic day celebrating and take a well-deserved study break. The Green Brother to set it, so you have to follow through. Ta-tala-di-da-di-day. Don't forget to be awesome. I ain't completely messed that up, but I'm gonna crush it. Are you ready Maggie? Here

it is. Okay. Tatala-d-d-d-da-day. And don't forget to be awesome. What is, is that a thing that I should know about? No, I just, I just read it correctly. And you read it wrong. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Tatala-d-d-da-day. No. Still doesn't sound great. Tatala-d-d-da-day. Tatala-d-da-d-da-day. Tatala-d-d-da-day. Tatala-d-d-d-da-day. It's like what? I don't know, I Tata la dide dade. Tata la dide dade. Tata la dide dade. It's like, yeah, I don't know.

I feel like that's probably from something, right? No, it's like when I, it's probably, it probably is from Avatar, the last airbender and we're about to get 250,000 correction notes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Whenever I try to say something in Spanish, Henry just looks at me blankly for the longest time and then eventually he'll say it back to me, but correctly. And then I'll try to say it correctly and he'll just, he, it's the first time I've seen him roll his eyes. He's begun to just roll his eyes and say, no, dad, you can't do it.

So stop trying. It's an embarrassment. This next question comes from Amy who writes writes to your genre and hate often hear life advice saying things along the lines of, follow your passion in dreams. But is it wrong to want a 9-5 job and have your passions be side gigs? Why do so many songs have lines bragging about not having a 9-5 job? I'm about to finish an undergrad in music, and while I love playing instruments, I'm extremely exhausted from the lack of a daily routine in my class and rehearsal schedules,

and from what I can tell from talking to my teachers, that's what a career in music is. Am I a quitter or letting down myself or my teachers if I get a nice 9-5 job in the best place on Earth a library and be a part-time musician? Not wanting to disappoint Amy. Man Amy, he seems like you got your stuff together. Yeah. He's like you know exactly what you want.

Amy, you're crushing it. Don't let anybody tell you that you're not crushing it. You know what you want to do for a job. You want to work in a library which is awesome and you know what you want to do as a side gig which is awesome. And you know what you wanna do as a side gig, which is awesome as well. I think this is great. And it's also really wonderful if you understand about yourself that you're someone who benefits

from routine and structure. And that's where you thrive. Like, that took me a long time to understand about myself. And when I stopped having a job, I'd always had day jobs and sort of wrote at night and on the weekends. And I was very comfortable with that. But then when we had enough money for me to stop doing that. And I was able to write full time. I was like, oh, this is great. I'm going to be living the dream. That's the dream to write all day. And within like two weeks of living the dream,

I was like, this is terrible. Like, I understand that this is the dream, but it turns out it's not my dream. Like, my dream involves a certain amount of routine and seeing other adults during the day and lots of other things that weren't possible for me when I was ostensibly writing full time. And so slowly, I built more and more day jobs so that I could come to an office, work 9-5 and write at night and on the weekends because that's where I'm productive and happy.

Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about the ways that we imagine success and how insidious that can be when we create definitions of success that require things. Almost, it's almost a requirement that any definition of success that really resonates with us is something that only a few people can have. Otherwise, if everybody can have it, that can't be that great. And that is such a destructive, terrible thing, not just for individuals, but for society as a whole, because we need to have a society where the most people possible can be experiencing their lives as a worthwhile, exciting success. And I've become very sort of like apprehensive about the things that I do for a living and people seeing that as a goal that they want to have, this is definitionally, like my job is definitionally something that can only be had by not very many people because you need a large audience to support

like a YouTube show or a podcast. And so not everybody can have a large audience because there's an unless more time of the day gets manufactured. So I worry about that and having gone through and watched the first season of the new Queer Eye on Netflix, I, you know, seeing those people sort of moving to a place where they are more happy with and accepting of their life as it exists is really exciting, though, I worry that in the examples given in that show, it requires a bunch of money to be spent on your clothes

and your hair and your house. And it worries me, and I love the show, don't get me wrong. I'm a super fan of this, and I wish there were more episodes. I got really sad when I found out that it was over. But I just want there to be ways for us to feel like a successful people without having to have that be based on other people and like and and sort of like maybe somewhat unrealistic expectations for what a life can be.

Yeah, I mean, the other thing about that, Hank, and you know, I obviously come to this question from an extraordinarily privileged and specific perspective, but my experience has been both in having a measure of public renown and in knowing lots of people with much more public renown, it is tremendously overrated. Like it is overrated on a scale that baffles me because the truth is, and it's a hard truth to talk about, I think, but the truth is that for lots and for most people I think it's very disorienting, it's very scary, it's not particularly fun, and there's a feeling, at least I felt this after the success of the Fault in Our Stars, and again I want to acknowledge how grateful I am for that

success and how wonderful it was, but I also think that to be fair I should acknowledge that I was not having a good time. Like I was deeply, deeply unhappy and I was sick and I was scared all the time and I was completely overwhelmed. And I realized that it was another time when I realized that just because something is the dream, just because something is the thing that you're told to try to accomplish by the social order,

doesn't mean it's necessarily the thing you actually want to accomplish, but it's so, so hard to disentangle your interests and your passions and who you are from what the social order wants you to be or what the social order values. And so one of the things I loved about this question is that, you know, this is

someone who seems to have a pretty good handle on who she is and what she wants. And I think Amy, you should celebrate that. I think you should be excited about that. And I think you should pursue the life that you want to have, especially because you're lucky to understand what that is. Agree. I think it's a thing that we all would do well to think more about that stuff, not just for our own sakes, but for everybody's, because we're maybe headed into a world where it gets harder and harder to lead the kind of life that people can imagine as a success, and that leads to a much less happy society, which has a lot of negative impacts.

I got another question, John. It's from Anna and it's about sand. Dear Hank and John, how much sand is there? This is a great question. I know the answer. You know the answer to how much sand there is? Yeah. I do. How much sand is there? Who asked the question again is her name, Anna? Yeah. Anna, I'm about to blow your mind. Okay. You probably already know this, Anna,

but I still think it's amazing. There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on earth. Or something like that. No, it's not even close. Okay, I believe you. That's it. I am. I believe...

That's... There's a Carl Sagan quote that's there more stars. I think in the galaxy, then there are grains of sand on every beach in the world. The thing that to be really specific about though, John, is we don't know how many grains of sand there are in the universe, and that's what Anna asked about. Oh.

How much sand is there? Oh, yeah. Like, in the universe, there's a Anna asked about. Oh. How much sand is there? Oh yeah, like in the universe there's a lot of sand Anna. It's, I mean, there's a ton, like more actually way more than a ton. There's a lot of sand in the universe. Just, there's a lot. The question of whether, my guess is that there is more sand in the universe than there are stars in the universe.

But I don't know that for certain, but that's my guess, because I bet there's a lot of good rocky planets with water running around making this. Yeah, it's very, very, very simple. And Mars is just to be mostly sand. There's a lot of sand on Mars. Yeah.

Our dust, I guess, whatever the differences between those things. So yeah, I think there's probably a lot of sand. You wanna know something else weird that I learned from the same thing where I learned this about the sand. Yeah. If you took 10 drops of water, regular drops of water, and you counted the number of molecules of H2O in those 10 drops of water, you would get a number approximately equal to all the stars in the universe. Oh, okay. But what about sand though, John?

Well, I already told you there is more. There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on earth. So how about, so this is the answer to, okay, if you assume of grain of sand has an average size and you calculate how many grains are in a teaspoon and then multiply by all the beaches and deserts in the world, the earth has roughly, and we're speaking very roughly, here, 7.5 times 10 to the 18th grains of sand, or 7 quintillion, 500 quadrillion grains of sand, whereas the universe has just an absolute crap ton of stars. The number is a non-specific, but it's more than 10 to the 18.

It's bigger than that, which I believe. No, I'm pretty sure that isn't that the current... Wait, hold on, isn't that the current thought about how many stars there are in the universe? An absolute crap ton? Yeah. Oh yeah, no absolute crap. Like not a relative crap ton, but an absolute crap ton.

Absolute crap ton. Anna's question actually goes on to say, since sand is made from rocks getting crumbled up into pieces, there's more and more sand being made all the time, right? If that balanced out by the creation of new sedimentary rock, is the amount of sand increasing or decreasing? If it's increasing, does that mean

that there's infinite sand? Bun, Anna, banana, banana. That's a great name, specific signal. So it's important to understand something here, Anna, which is that even if the amount of grains of sand is increasing, there's a finite amount of matter on Earth, so the number of grains of sand will never be infinite. So that's good because it means that even...

But in the universe, there might be infinite sand in the universe, unfortunately. Possibly. Just to confuse matters further. That's true. It could could it's possible, but it's hard to know for sure There are seven times ten to the twenty second stars in the known universe That's way more that's way more than we got sands to this website and this so that is actually the scientific definition of an absolute crap ton is seven times ten to the twenty second. Yeah, like the systems, the play tectonic that is currently sort of, that is converting geological processes generally,

that it's converting sand into sedimentary rock is going on and will continue going on. Whether or not those things are in balance at the moment, I don't know, I don't know if there's more sand being made by crumbling than there is sedimentary rock being made, but you are quite correct and intelligent to identify the fact that sand eventually becomes rock again, which is pretty cool. All right, Hank, so we know that there is a finite amount of sand on earth and that that situation will continue.

Yeah, do you want to give me the new stream? Have you wibbled in jump? All right. I mean, part of me does, part of me doesn't. Okay, here's the news from AFC Wimbledon Hank. We played Peterborough in the League 1, the third tier of English football. It was a good game. to your English football. It was a good game. A Lyle Taylor scored a fantastic goal, and it looked like AFC Wilden were going to get three points, which would have been very, very useful, but

then Peterborough scored an equalizer, which is extremely frustrating and disheartening, and so it was a one-one draw. AFC Wilden got one point, which moved them from 37 points to 38 points. They remain in 18th place, but they are only two points away right now from a relegation spot. The 36 points is what the team in 21st have. 21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th will all spend next season in the fourth tier of English football. So Wimbledon are two points clear of the drop zone right now

with 12 games to play. From those 12 games, we need about 14 points to guarantee our place in league or close to guarantee our place and league one next season. Hank, how many points per game is that? I don't know. While you're thinking about it, I'm going to go on and give you an update.

But in all likelihood, we actually need 14 points from 11 games because our next game is against Blackburn and they are at the top of League 1 and are just amazing this year. I mean, as third tier English football teams go and will very likely beat AFC Wimbledon. I think even... Yeah, So then we need 14 points from 11 games. Basically we still need to win five games, but now we only have 11 games in which to do it. So I am officially very nervous. Well, you need 1.27 points per game to get a lot of points. And those, yeah, to get the 14 points out of the 11 games. It's nerve-racking, so.

Oh, gosh, that is scary. It's, it's, there's nothing obviously that I can do about it from the United States, but it is, oh, God, it's a worry. I just really hope the dons find a way to stay up. I think that they've got some great young talent. I think things could look really good next year and then hopefully the year after that will be in the new stadium. And that will be a huge, huge deal for the future and the security of the club. So, yeah, if we could stay and lead one for another two seasons, it would be great. But obviously, it's going to be tough this year. I will say Simon Bassie, who's been with the club since they were formed.

He participated in the triates on Wimbledon Common back in 2002 and was part of the team for a few years before joining the coaching staff. Simon Bassie had a great series of kind of come to Jesus moments with the fans, where he was like, look, we used to have the smallest stadium in league two. Now we have the smallest stadium in league one. The odds have always been stacked against us. And I know that it's really frustrating to watch your team go out and struggle

week after week, but we need to be in this together. You know, the great thing about having a-owned club is that we really are in it together. All of us who are members of the Don's Trust owned the club just as much as Simon Bassier, any other fan does. That was really heartening and inspiring to me, the way he talked about all of us being in this together and how the team was going to need the fans, just as the fans were going to need the team. I am worried, but I am also feeling

that resolve that he is instilled in me. Great. Great. And you'll go back and have the biggest stadium or the smallest stadium in the fourth tier until that stadium gets finished. And you know, they'll still be impressive that you've come so far. I'd really rather not suffer Wimbledon's first relegation since being reformed in 2002.

But obviously, the universe that time is infinite, John, it will have to happen eventually. Mm, not that that is not true. That is not true. It is very possible that the world will end before Wimbledon ever get relegated and and may that be the case I mean no Yes, yes, what's the news for Mars in news for Mars? The trace gas orbiter, which is part of the exo Mars exploration program Which is two missions one of which crashed into Mars. But this one did not. The European Lead Mission is just finished.

It's a very long-term arrow-breaking maneuver to get into the orbit that it needs to be in to do its science. So when you go to Mars, you are going very fast because you have to get there, you have to get out of the Earth's gravity, you have to be accelerating out of, away from the sun, to get further away from the sun. And then you get there going very fast,

you have to slow down. There's two ways to do that, really. One is you have rockets that have fuel, and you use those rockets to slow down and go into orbit around the planet. And that, then you have to carry all that fuel with you, which is bad. But sometimes, missions will just crash into the atmosphere.

Go on is like just crazy fast, burn off some blade of plates and have parachutes to slow down and rockets to slow down. And they use mostly, but though, they use the atmosphere to slow down. But when you're an orbiter, you can't just crash into the planet and slam into the atmosphere like that. So instead, you, like, they have this very long period of time, where I think over 900 times, the orbiter went around the planet. And on one of the orbits, it skims the planet and on one of the orbits it skims the back or on one side of the orbit. It skims the planet's atmosphere and then it goes way out in this long looping orbit and then it comes again. It

skims the atmosphere again and each time it slows down a little bit because it crashes into the atoms on the very very top layer of the very thin Martian atmosphere. And that's what exomars has been doing. For over a year, it's been slamming into those atoms, slowing down, and now it is in its final orbit. And that means it can start soon doing its actual science mission, which will be mostly figuring out this mystery that we've got on Mars right now, or at least part of this mystery, which is methane.

We have detected methane on the surface of Mars several times. There's debate about whether that methane was actually on Mars or whether it was somehow trapped on the land that landed on Mars. We've seen methane several times, but we need a more sensitive instrument. And this trace gas orbiter is going to be, has those instruments, it'll be able to tell how much methane there is in the Martian atmosphere where that methane maybe is coming from, and that's very important, not just because it's interesting, but because methane on Earth is mostly produced by life.

And if there was some tiny trace amount of weird life on Mars, it might be producing methane. It might also be consuming methane, and so understanding the methane cycle on Mars could be a really important part of understanding what weird trace life might actually be happening on the surface of that planet, or beneath the surface. Wow, that's pretty cool. You know what else is news from Mars this week? What? Noted Mars Fanatic Elon Musk revealed

that his global broadband Starlink network, this constellation that he is building to try to bring global broadband to people, especially people who are currently left behind by so much of the technological revolution, that the name for it was inspired by the Fault in Our Stars. My book, more likely the movie. You're on think, I mean, who knows? So apparently Elon's a John Green fan.

What does he have on the house? He's a fan of, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a, he committed to making sure it lasts for the entire 12 years of the stupid Mars bet. However, right now I'm like, I don't enjoy Twitter enough at the moment to be completely honest with you to have a novelty account. I just barely enjoyed enough to be on Twitter. I just barely enjoyed enough to tweet my new vlog brothers video every week. But yeah, I was really excited about that. I thought that was pretty cool. So thank you, Elon Musk, for including me, making me a footnote in the incredible story of global broadband, Mars, Falcon, Heavy Rockets, etc. And thank you Hank for being the reason that I care enough about this stuff

to follow Elon Musk on Twitter in the first place. All right, John. What did we learn today? Well, we learned that IKEA furniture is just waiting at my house to be made. Oh, yeah, I can't just get a task rabbit to come help you out with that stitch. No, I'm going to do it by myself. Well, yeah, I can't just get a task rabbit to come help you out with that cinch. No, I'm gonna do it by myself.

Well, with Sarah. And we learned that seven times ten to the twenty two is the technical definition of an absolute crap talk. We learned that work in nine to five is just fine if you like work in nine to five. And finally we learned that there is no such thing as too much lacroix. Or at least I'd like to find out if there's such a thing as too much lacroix. Alright, John, thank you for podcasting with me. It's been a joy and thank everybody for listening and if you leave ratings on iTunes, that's really great too.

Or whatever podcast machine you use to get podcasts into your podcast ears. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Hulsro, Hassan Sheridan Gibson, our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonjorno, the music you're hearing now, and at the beginning of the podcast,

it's by the great Gunnarola, and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪