Dear Hank & John - 133: Fork Bouquet

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

What should I do with all these plastic forks? At what age do you grow out of regret? Do ants sleep? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Yours out for a thing of a dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you a D.W. advice and bring you all of the week's news from both Mars and AFC Limbledon. John, how are you doing? I've made wonderful. You know what I did over the weekend, Hank? No.

I built a tree house. I did hear that you were building a tree house because at one point I called you on the phone and you said, I am building a tree house right now. Yeah, I built a tree house with my butt. Actually, my buddy Alex built the tree house, but I did a lot of sawing and a fair amount of drilling and even a little bit of measuring.

Oh wow, my assumption is that you may have moved a lot of wood around. I moved a lot of wood around and then I drilled a lot of wood into place. But it was amazing because I have a tremendous fear of heights, but I was reminded of that line I first heard from Raj Punjabi of last mile health that no condition is permanent. And even though I have a tremendous fear of heights, it turns out that I am slightly more scared of social embarrassment. And so working with my fear of social embarrassment, I was able to do it to stand on top of that tree house,

even when it didn't have decking. I was once in a situation and the Grand Canyon where our tour guide was like, you should go out here and walk along this six-inch-wide path that on one side has this cliff face and on the other side has nothing. And then at the end of it, you will find a lovely view and you can go and sit and contemplate your thoughts. And I was, I mean, here's the situation. I knew there was like not a great chance that I would die, but like a much higher than usual chance.

Right. And so I'm walking out on this thing and I'm like, you know what, this is making me feel, is that like, there is in no way a situation which I should be doing this. But, and I am not doing it because I'm enjoying it. I'm only doing it because this man who I do not know asked me to, and I did not want to embarrass myself in front of a stranger.

And so I am walking a lot, and then I sat down, and I did the thing that he said and I sat there and I just the whole time I was just like, I have to go back on that path again. And that's all I thought about. They were like, and now you will feel at one with the universe and you were like, I only feel fear.

I feel that that path is the only thing in my life. I have forgotten about everything else. My friend Chris is incredibly good at not giving into social pressure. So recently we were on a camping trip and we were all like, it was the middle of the night and we were all like, we're going to hike down to that lake. Chris, it's going to be so fun. It's so dark and we're going to hike all the way down to the lake and then we're going to hike up.

And Chris was like, no. And I was like, you got to go, man, it's going to be amazing. It's going to be so beautiful. And he was like, no, absolutely not., it's gonna be amazing. It's gonna be so beautiful. And he was like, no, absolutely not. I'm gonna stay here by the fire. Yeah, where it's nice. Well, the thing is, John, the problem is

that I have had many experiences in which I was like, I am not going to do that because of who I am and the fact that like, I know me, and then finally somebody convinces me, and then I do it and I'm like, you're right, this was great. And so I was like, maybe this then I do it and I'm like you're right this was great and so I was like maybe this guy's right maybe I'm gonna walk down this path and at the end I'll be like oh this is beautiful and I'm all alone in the universe and and what is what is me anyway and

The discard all of the useless things in my life and only have the things that are great but it turned out that that was not what happened. Yeah. No, we all want to glimpse the interconnectedness of all things, but not at the expense of standing on the edge of a cliff. No. All right. I made it back, though, John.

I'm alive to tell the tale. Yeah, this time. Can I... Can we move on to questions from our listeners? You don't have a, come on, you have one job, John. I actually have several jobs, and I have news from AFC Wimbledon, and I've gone through the questions.

I just don't have a poem. It's true, you have one more job than I have. Also, I wrote an episode of the Anthropocene Reviewed over the last four days, and I built a treehouse. So here is a question from Maya, who writes to your John and Hank. I wrote an episode of the Anthropocene Reviewed over the last four days, and I built a tree house. So here is a question from Maya, right? It's weird, John and Hank. Everyday at school during lunch,

I go to the cafeteria to get a plastic fork as an excuse to see my crush. My family likes to wash and save plastic forks. So adding one to the collection every day means that we have a lot of plastic forks at home. I have a lot of questions about your question, Maya. What should we do with these plastic forks? This does not seem to me to be the central question about your question. Should I host a party celebrating Hank's book, an absolutely

remarkable thing available for Priyoter now on coming out September 25th, where people might use forks alternatively, what should I do as an excuse to see my crush instead of getting a plastic fork every day? You finally got there, Maya. That is the question. Hank, if you don't mind, could you do the every day. You finally got there, Maya. That is the question. Hank, if you don't mind, could you do the sign off, you're more of the sink. Says, Maya, he, Maya, who, Maya, Maya. That's pretty good. That's a pretty, if you liked 2007 YouTube,

you will love that name specific sign off All right, so I have I mean there is really only one thing to do with these forks John But before we get to that do we want to talk about the situation in which There is a fork vendor Oh, no, I figured there's a cafeteria where there's plastic forks plastic spoons plastic knives My question is why does my get a plastic fork every day when Maya could be getting a plastic spoon or a plastic knife so that once every three days, Maya has a full set of silverware

because what you really wanna do Maya is get like eight or 12 full sets of silverware that you will eventually use as your family cutlery when you marry your crush and it will be such a cute story. It'll be, that's very cute. You have to get them like silver plated so they'll be more durable. Of course, Hank, that goes without saying.

You spend thousands of dollars to silver plate your plastic. I was going to say silverware, but of course it isn't silverware until after you cover your plastic forks and silver. So, okay, here's what you do with the forks, Maya. Obviously, you got it, take each individual fork and paint it in a beautiful way as if each one is a flower, and then you wrap them in a ribbon and you present them as if they are a bouquet of flowers. To your crush and you say, I have not needed any one of these forks. I just wanted to have you in my life. And now I'm giving you the forks back.

Do you want to hang out sometime? Oh, it's so sweet, but then there's a pretty good chance that the crush is going to be like, yeah, no. Yeah, that's so sweet, but then there's a pretty good chance that the crush is gonna be like, yeah, no. Yeah, that's life, man. That's how it works. That's what having a crush is all about. Is that part? When they say no. Maya, you got to take the risk here. You got to do it. You got to paint each of those forks individually, turn them into a fork bouquet, hand the fork bouquet to your crush, and say exactly what Hank just said.

It's adorable, and I like it. And if it doesn't work, you have a great story in the future. So that we'll be next fall in love. You can tell your next partner, you won't believe how great I was to the last person. Just in general, I think there's a lot to be said for doing dumb things that may be uncomfortable in the moment but will at least lead to a story that you could tell in the future. Yeah, although I would put a slight asterisk after that comment. One of the things I really loved about the movie Love Simon, I don't know if you've seen it yet,

but I thought it was really good. One of the things I really loved about Love Simon is there's one of these moments where, you know, the person does something big to try to confront their crush or whatever, but instead it's just so cringey and uncomfortable so it can definitely go all, all wrong. And you've got to be conscious of that.

Like you don't always want to be John Qsack holding up the boom box, especially if you know how the person feels about you and you're doing this to try to win their affection. But it doesn't sound like Maya knows that. It seems like Maya is in that true in between space where the cat could either be alive or dead. But the box is not yet been opened. It doesn't necessarily seem like, Maya knows that much about fork person. That is a good name for them. The only information we've gotten about fork person is that they have some authority over forks.

Oh, I didn't even think that they had authority over forks. I thought that Maya had a different lunch period or something or that's a great question Hank. What is going on? That was my first question and you thought that it wasn't interesting. I take it back. What is that? Why? Why? It appears that Maya has very intentionally not given us this information. Well, but Maya does say, what should I do as an excuse to see my crush instead of getting

a plastic fork every day? Like, here's an idea, you could eat at the cafeteria. Why is it fork? That's a great question. I mean, that's going to be one of the questions for that we don't know the answer to. And that just kind of we have to we have to live inside the mystery of, you know, like, Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

I mean, you could like you could eventually develop a neural network that's like a thousand times more powerful than the human brain. And all it's going to give you is probabilities of of what thing may have happened. And it's going to be split between a thousand different maybe's. So your point Hank is that we should take the most powerful neural networks in the world and have them stop playing, go, and trying to figure out autonomous driving, which they don't seem to be doing a good job of, and or yet them entirely towards figuring out why Maya thinks it is necessary to get a fork from the cafeteria in order to see her crush every day.

I mean, at the moment it feels like we might be using those algorithms for less good things. I don't totally disagree with you. Let's move on to the next question though. This question comes from Holland who asks, Steerhank and John, my car has naturally bright headlights, which has its perks,

except that people often mistake my low lights for highlights. I know your car, and I do not like it. No, I'll just come in a come right out and say that. My main problem is how they respond. They'll wait till just before they've driven past me and then blast their own headlights to the highest setting. There's only one setting.

There's only one other setting. It's the highest, yes. They'll flash you with theirids. What do I do? They don't exactly give me enough time to explain that my headlights are in fact on low. Should I just ignore it? I'm afraid that someday it may catch me off guard so that I accidentally swerve or hurt somebody or myself any advice would suffice. I'm at a loss. Holland. Here's the thing, Holland. You're gonna need to get a different car.

I mean, can you go into the shop and be like, my lights are too bright? I think that naturally bright headlights is a little bit like saying, I naturally sneeze like this. Hits! Hits! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. Which, right, there's just no way for me to deal with the fact that my headlights are so much brighter than everyone else's.

There has to be a way to deal with it. It's such a nightmare to be faced with extremely bright lights when you are on a country road at night in a two-lane road situation. It is blinding. So I'm completely sympathetic to the people who are flashing their brights at you because what they are trying to communicate is, ow, I'm scared. Yeah, I can't like turn your brights off, please turn your bright. I mean you should not wait until you've just gotten upon them to do it. I don't know, like I

tend to do that from a fair distance, but maybe they, I don't know, I don't know, but it seems like maybe go see, maybe go see your dealer and be like, I think my headlights are too bright. Have you ever gotten this complaint before? Because it seems like I'm getting this complaint regularly as I drive a lot on not great roads, which was also included in the Holland's question and I dischaped it. All right, the next question comes from James, your right dear John and Hank. It seems like a really crazy time in American politics these days, but it also seems like corruption and scandals and fear and questionable hairstyles have been around for as long as people have been forming societies. It's a really great observation, James, and I would

argue maybe even before that. So why does it feel like it's especially significant now? I mean, we're not at war with our neighbors, so I feel kind of like this time pales in comparison to the civil war, though I suppose that is a pretty high bar to get over. Yeah, is it the case that there was a long period of like 40 years where things were pretty chill? No. Can I make that up? Yes. No, from like Watergate to the end of Obama, you know, I mean, was not pretty chill. No, don't you remember being a kid and having to hide under your desk during drills for how you would respond to a nuclear holocaust?

That was a big deal. Yes, that was a big deal. That was very stressful. The Cold War was weird and super intense right up until 1990. It was pretty, I mean, I don't, look, were things this weird? No. Things are very weird right now. And I think there is a legitimate cause for concern.

I genuinely think that. And I don't just mean in the United States. I think if things are just weird in one country, then it's sort of dismissible because, you know, a lot of times the pendulum will swing back or whatever, but when things are simultaneously weird in a lot of countries, I mean, we've had decades now of kind of a pullback from a feeling of interconnectedness across the globe.

So we aren't functionally less interconnected. Like, we're just as likely to give each other the flu, but we are feeling less connected and our laws, when it comes to trade and other things, are expressing that less connectedness. And I feel like what's happening in Europe and in the United States and to an extent also in South America, is an expression of that broader thing that is the source of concern for me, definitely. But I also think it is nothing like a civil war, it is nothing like World War II, it is nothing like World War I.

It's certainly nothing like, you know, 1848, or the late 18th century. There, this is a weird time, and I don't wanna minimize it, but it's not the weirdest time, even of the last hundred years. We're even over the last 50 years. And James, I do like that you called attention

to the fact that people have had weird haircuts, oh, forever. And I don't know that we should, like I do not really think that it's a good idea to focus on the physical appearance of your political enemies in these conversations. I know that it's fun, but it does not seem to help. No, it doesn't seem to help on any level. Like, no, it seems very counterproductive on every level. Like, it makes people listen to you less,

but it also makes people feel less human. So it seems to not accomplish either of the, whatever, enough politics, Hank, we're moving on. All right, we're moving on to another question. And this question is from Andy, who asks, dear, Hank and John, I overheard this question in the cafe at work a few weeks ago,

and I've been thinking about it ever since. So, matter can neither be created nor destroyed, right? And there are six billion more people on the earth than there were when Alexander Hamilton first ratt battled Thomas Jefferson, right? So that means there's a lot less of something. What is it? This question's making me raggedy, Andy.

No, it's good, it's a good name specific, something off. What was it, John? What was all that stuff? All of that stuff was atoms. It was like sandwiches and ravioli. Yeah. And now it's humans. Now it's humans.

Right, here's this, there was a, it's like research. If somebody said like, oh, I used to weigh 68 pounds, but now I weigh 70 pounds, but matter can't be created or destroyed, how could this have happened? How could it have happened? So there is a very interesting graph that I found.

It's called the cumulative biosphere pools over giga years of time. And so this goes back pretty much to the beginning of the Earth and also stretches on for about a billion years after now, which makes this graph somewhat terrifying because at a billion and a half years after now, nothing's left. So I don't know exactly how they sketched that out, but that's what they've calculated.

So according to this, a billion and a half years from now, there is no more living mass. But biomass is the sort of measure of how much living stuff there is on the earth at an equal point. And right now that split roughly equally between prokaryotes, single cell prokaryotes, single cell eukaryotes, and then multi-celled animals like ants and us. And that number of us is actually, when I say us, I mean multi-celled organisms is pretty steady That number of us is actually, when I say us,

I mean multi-celled organisms is pretty steady. At the moment though it is maybe decreasing a little bit, which is a thing, I don't know, I don't know if we should be concerned about that, but it seems to maybe be decreasing a little bit. And yeah, so it's all roughly the same. We are not an insignificant portion of the biomass of the earth at this point, but we are not a like,

not a big piece of the pie. Like you can measure us, but it only becomes really significant when you measure all of the things that we also control, which is like all the corn plants and all the cows and chickens and stuff. Well, when you measure us plus all of the things that we also control, which is like all the corn plants and all the cows and chickens and stuff. Well, when you measure us plus all of the animals

that exist solely for our use. Plants and animals, yeah. It becomes a really significant portion, not as significant, of course, as bacteria, but significant. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we control a great deal of the multicellular biosphere of Earth.

Yeah, although let's be clear, bacteria control us. So who's really in charge? It's all a system, John. None of us can exist without the others. We need to understand our interconnectedness, which is why we have to walk out on very scary paths to the edge of the Grand Canyon to see, I don't know, man, how do we imagine ourselves correctly as interconnected as we are? I don't have any great suggestions for you.

What I find helpful is to remind myself constantly that half of the cells inside of me are not mine. This next question comes from Collette who writes, dear John and Hank, speaking of complicated organisms, Hank, like humans and ants, Collette's question is, do ants sleep? If so, do they just stop in the middle of some grass and sleep? Do they have designated sleeping places? Do they have bed times? Seeking answers, Collette. Hank, I thought you might be able to answer this question because you, of course, are known to be the world's biggest super fan of an ant colonies YouTube channel. So you wanna check out ants canada,

YouTube.com slash ants canada. Ants do kind of sleep. Like a lot of animals, they don't sleep kind of in the way that we do, but insects do have like a cycle, like basically a pattern of cycling through resting periods. And like, it appears may, that they do only sleep for a very short amount of time. So like eight minutes have reached 12 hours according to a 1983 study. So that's a lot. A lot could have changed among ants though in the last 35 years.

That's true. It's true. We sleep a lot less now than we used to, so maybe ants are staying up later. You think ants. A lot of Netflix. They're scrolling on their phones. Just like going through Ant Twitter and feeling at the same time, energized and horrified and small and useless, but unable to stop scrolling,

it's a hard life for an Ant. Yeah, it's weird to think about how you measure whether an Ant is a sleep or not. So what they did is they basically measured how much they're in Tena moved, which they took as a surrogate for how active they were in observing their environment. But I don't know, like, what if it's rapid antenna movement sleep? Right. Great point, Hank. What if they're dreaming?

Yeah, and they're just sniffing in their dreams. I'm gonna confess that I have not read the majority of Ant-Man comics, but if one of Ant-Man's superpowers is not that he only has to sleep eight minutes every 12 hours, they are missing a huge opportunity narratively. Yeah, yes. So, in continuing to read this, it also turns out that they studied the brain waves

of the ants. Oh my God. Oh my God. They put in a tiny little MRI machine. Do ants even have brains? They don't really. They have like enlarged nerve endings at the end of the spinal cord, like barely. Yeah, right now there's an alien species doing an advice podcast about humans.

And one of them said, do humans even have brains really? Stop! Aliens, stop watching us, stop listening, stop paying attention. We're real aliens. We don't need to be monitored by you. We have souls. With, according to our books at least. Yeah, no, we feel it on the inside aliens. We feel real.

And they're like, yeah, no, we get that on the inside aliens. We feel real And they're like yeah, no, we get that you feel like you feel real They're like oh, yeah, no, that's what that's what's so cute about you guys That's why we like watching so much This next question comes from Johan I think dear Hank and John why John is there still no paperback version of Turtles all the way down available? Hank's book is even pre-orderable as paperback, so I cannot accept, oh books will always come out as hardcover first, you just have to wait as an answer. It, Hank's book should not be available, pre-order. Don't think that. Yeah, I don't think that that is the thing. It sure better not be because I make way less money per book

if the paperbacks. Yeah, that's the short reason, Johan, is that hardcover books are more expensive and they mean that the author makes more money and the publisher makes more money. But I think in the case of, it's really that the author makes more money and the publisher makes more money. But I think in the case of, it's really that the author makes more money. I think the author makes kind of the plurality or majority of their money in hardcover usually. That's not always the case. It depends on the book to the author.

But the reason hardcover books exist is because authors get like two or three dollars of book instead of a number of cents. Yeah, yeah. And please email us to let me know where you saw the availability of a paperback preorder for my book. You may have just seen a discounted edition, but I don't know. I would be concerned about that. Yeah, I'm sorry that it takes a long time for paperbacks to come out. It is kind of an unfortunate function of the way that publishing has figured out to survive in the current landscape.

And in a lot of cases, paperbacks are taking even longer to come out than they used to. But yeah, once they're out, they're out forever. So that's the good news. I don't know how long you'll have to wait until there is a paperback of turtles all the way down. I'm sorry that you don't, but it's, man, it's $11. Yeah, for a hardcover, it's very cheap.

Yeah, yeah. It's available right now for like $11. With free shipping. Well, if you don't, I mean, hopefully wherever you are, there are libraries. Maybe there aren't, but that is, you know, there is always the library. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And often now libraries even have electronic copies of books

so that you don't have to wait if the book isn't in stock. Yeah. Yeah, and supporting libraries is also a really effective way to support authors because libraries buy a wide variety of books. They don't just buy the most popular books. So I would actually argue that libraries are in a lot of cases kind of better for the literary ecosystem than anything else. So if you really want to support a broad, diverse, literary ecosystem, I always think that your public library is a good way to do that.

Of course, choosing carefully what kind of books you buy and read also helps, but I'm a big believer in libraries. Hank, this next question comes from Tendley, who writes, dear John and Hank, whenever I talk to adults about their past experiences, they often say the same thing. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret any of them.

At what point does this, at what point does one acquire this mindset? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha my roommate's hamster, but I regret all of them. At what age can I expect to be totally content about all my bad choices? Regrettfully, tentally. This is such a great question, Tendley, because every time I hear someone say, like, I've made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret any of them because they all led to me being here where I am today. I always think like, no, not all of them. You made tons of mistakes that had nothing to do with you being where you are today.

I would submit, Tenley, that you would not be a substantially different person if you had not thrown away your roommate's hamster. Well, that is the idea to say, but I'm so glad that I'm here and without all the things that would have happened, I wouldn't be this exact person, and this is the person that I'm glad that I am. That's what I've always interpreted it to be,

which is so ludicrous, because you don't know how much better things might be. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess you don't want to think about that, though, you don't want to think about that, though. You don't want, you like, that's kind of an unpleasant thought. To be clear, I have it all the time and I'm perfectly aware that I have made mistakes and regret them. I've never thrown away a hamster, though.

No, me neither, but I do have a ton of regrets, and they are genuine regrets, and if I could go back and do things again, I would, and I would do them differently. That's another thing I hear all the time. Oh, if I could go back and live my life, I'd do it all the same. I'm like, I would definitely not. I would change a bunch of things. Oh, man, I would, ah, God if I could live my life over again. I, whoa, I would, I would hold on to so much less bitterness over things that it turned out didn't matter. Well, there's that, but also, like when I was 14 and a new eighth grader showed up at my school, I would have been like, hey, this is gonna sound weird, but I know that we're going to get married. No, that probably would be an example of a bad choice to make.

No. However, maybe being like, I am going to buy some Google stock. Right. It's the kind of thing that I would do differently. If I had my whole life to live over, I would bet everything on the Cubs winning the World Series. Like, of course. Yeah. Oh, man. I've actually have a pet theory that Elon Musk does

have his whole life to live over, and that's how he's gotten where he's gotten. Yeah. Where he's just like really early on, he was like, yeah, I guess now's about the time to join PayPal. Yeah, the list of people who appear to have had their life to live over is short.

I'm definitely includes Elon Musk. John, I just had the thought, is there any connection between the name Harry Styles and the phrase hairstyle? I don't think so. Was his parents aware of this thing that they were updoing? I mean, the important thing to note is that Harry Styles' born name is Harry Styles. Okay, this is the fact that you know you did not look that up. Yeah, Harry Edward Styles, I even know his middle name. Oh my.

Well Hank, I don't know if you know this, I don't know if you've read Turtles All the Way Down, but there's a lot, there are a lot of Easter eggs for members of the One Direction fandom and my new novel Turtles All the Way Down. You were just like, I'm going to become a real expert so that I could plop a lot of these down in here. Yeah, I mean, do you not know that much about Harry Styles? I feel like it's like a very human thing to have ingested a lot of Harry Styles related information.

I gotta say, I don't know a ton about One Direction. John, yeah. Member of One Direction is, at least by some members of the One Direction fan community, believe to be in love with Harry Styles. This is an easy one. Is it? It's it's not Lance because he's not in one of the shots. Oh God. Oh, panic. Okay. We're gonna have to shut everything down. Zane. Zane is a member of One Direction. I don't know

that we can I don't know that we can continue the podcast without pausing for a One Direction listening party in which I give you a bunch of background on the one direction fan community. Okay, but actually, you know what Hank, we've got to move on to a different question because I'm getting upset. Did we answer the question? Yes, it was a question.

It was a question you posed and it's been answered, which is that Harry Styles was born Harry Edward Styles, not Harold Harry. I mean, his parents must have known that they were naming him Harry Styles. They weren't naming him Harry Styles, they were naming him Harry Styles. But they were aware of this.

They were aware of the pond. You know, the one direction fan community almost definitely knows the answer to this question, which makes it embarrassing that I don't. Is Harry Styles a pond? How good is Google Gods? I spelled Harry Styles wrong, it turns out. Oh my God. Yes, if they'd spelled it like, here's suit, then yes, it would have been an obvious pun.

There is, this is just a list of, oh my God, it's called puns about Harry's style Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha dot dot dot. It's, five guests is also brought to you by fork bouquets.com. Fork bouquets.com providing forks for your crushes. And today's podcast is also brought to you by Regrets. Regrets, I think it is appropriate to have some. Just some. And finally today is brought to you by historically bad hairstyles. Not historically bad hairy styles, but historically bad hairstyles, of which there have been a number.

Today's podcast is also sponsored by two podcasts that Hank and I have been working on. First, you might enjoy the Anthropocene Reviewed, if you like dear Hank and John. I actually don't know that that's true, but I make a podcast called The Anthropocene Reviewed, in which I review different facets of the Human-Centered Planet on a five-star scale. There are two episodes now. A third episode will be coming quite soon. It'll be about Hank. My new episode is about the plant species, Kentucky bluegrass, and the practice of Googling strangers. Hmm. I do like the Anthropocene Reviewed very much.

John, it is a well-structured, fascinating podcast, and it's a quick lesson as well, which is always often nice when I'm doing some specific task that's gonna take about 20 or 30 minutes. Well, thank you. I should also say that this next episode is going to be incredibly sad. So, if you like your podcast sad, that you've found a new home in the Anthropocene

Reviewed. I'm ready. This podcast is also brought to you by my podcast with my wife, Delete This, in which Katherine and I go through my Twitter feed over the last week in an attempt to sort of like read, digest, and understand the tremendous amount of things that have happened in the last week. Things happen very fast these days, but also to analyze the way in which we interact with the social internet and whether or not that is healthy. And it's great to have Catherine there for that as a person who is not super involved in the social internet. And so can is not super involved in the social internet. And so can tell me how much all of this is bad

and I am doing it wrong. And we also have a project for awesome message. This one is from William Gurding of Texas. William says, willful ignorance has invested today's political climate. The quick short gains of ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away or passing it on to the next generation can no longer be an option for us.

Our generation must be willing to actually make the future better for our children without footing to bill on to them. No more bandages for bullet holes, says William. We do have big problems and we do not have a great history of solving them. Although I would say that there have also been places where we have solved big problems that we face together. So I feel like yes, in a lot of ways we've kicked a lot of problems down the road, and I think Williams' point is well taken. But there are also a lot of problems that we've solved in the last 50 years, or at least things that we've made much better about human life. Yes, I agree. I mean, I think especially if you take a long view, like we are tremendously

good problem solvers and that has allowed us to feed our children's stuff, which we've been just very good at. And that is ultimately what we're all going to. Yeah, but I think that William's point is that we are also excellent procrastinators as a species. And we don't always take the long view, and we need to. Yeah. All right, one more question before the news from Mars and AFC Lombard and John. Sounds good. This one comes from Danielle, who's asked,

dear Hank and John, I have been given the wonderful opportunity to travel to Thailand to work on an elephant reservation. This is clearly an exciting experience I have been gifted. However, it has come to my attention that I will be on a plane alone for 22 hours! What do you do with all of that travel time alone? I usually read during long travels, however, I don't believe I have the attention span for 22 hours worth of plane time.

What do you usually do during your long hours of travel during book and movie tours? Any dubious advice would be appreciated? Dinosaur raw or Danielle? Well, I There's a Nietzsche quote where he wrote if you stare at the abyss long enough the abyss will stare back No, gosh, so I just try to get to that point on my point flights gosh. So I just try to get to that point on my point flights. Well, the good news, Danielle is that you'll probably be in the, you know, you'll sit down in the chair and think, this is okay. 22 hours later, you will not be a big fan of your chair. No. Also, people will tell you to sleep, which is a great idea if you're the kind

of person who can sleep, you know, in a tiny, tiny chair surrounded by strangers in the 43rd row of a steel cylinder traveling 35,000 feet above the ground. Like, if that's your ideal sleeping situation, Danielle, then yes, by all means sleep. But if you're a normal person, you're going to sleep for like two and a half hours, you're going to be incredibly cranky when you end in Thailand. You're gonna be saying I don't even care about elephants But then you just got to like get an afternoon nap Let yourself adjust to your new reality Which is that your body does not know what time it is lean into that experience and

Enjoy your time there because the other thing is that you got 22 hours coming home. Whatever that happens. So obviously there will be movies on the plane, there will be podcasts on your phone. I think that you listened to at least some podcasts, as my guess, there will be a lot of things. Is it a good idea to listen to 22 consecutive episodes of Dear Hank and John on a plane trip to Thailand? I mean, here's a situation. I will often either listen to 22 consecutive episodes of Dear Hank and John on a plane trip to Thailand.

Because it might be- I mean, here's a situation. I will often either listen to a book I've already listened to or listen to podcasts I've already listened to. So it's okay in my completely hair-brained state to just waffle back and forth between sleep and awake and not really know, because it's very hard to not sleep, but it's very hard to sleep for very long.

Right. And so I like to listen to some media that I've already listened to or watched something that I've already seen, so I'm not like getting caught up in the story too much. Right, I would almost try to listen to something new. I honestly, Danielle, when I get on a plane, I try to get on the plane with a huge variety

of potential entertainments. Because I don't know what future me is gonna feel like. If future me wants to watch a movie, then I try to have a movie loaded on my iPad or my computer. If future me wants to listen to a podcast, I try to have both familiar ones and new ones downloaded.

You can't over prepare for a 22 hour flight. Yeah, you gotta load up all your devices with various media. And then it will be over. And everything will be fine, and the elephants will welcome you with open trunks. And I also have to say that planes are made out of aluminum not steel. Just... Oh, great.

That sounds safer. Because otherwise, people will be adding, John, all the time. And it would be a correction on next episode's. Okay. Well great. Cylinders made of aluminum flying 35,000 feet above the sky. It's basically just an empty out coat can. That is not an image that I have found at all helpful. I have that is sent me in the wrong direction.

I am flying in a large coat can. That is something I am going to think about every time I get on a plane for the rest of my life. Goodness gracious. What is the news from Mars? In the news from Mars this week, there was a, so as you may know, Russia had its elections recently, and Vladimir Putin walked away with a very large percentage of the vote. A surprising that he won, but yeah, he was a, he won.

No, no issues there. Yeah, turns out if no one can run against you. Oh, he had several opponents, Hank. He only won 72% of 117% of the vote. And in the midst of this, the Russian government put out a documentary about Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin in this documentary, discussed Russia's near-term plans for sending missions and people to Mars in which he was very optimistic about their ability to get missions to Mars by 2019, which what? What?

Yeah, which is, I mean, I don't know if he's done the math on that, but human missions to Mars by 2019. If you launched a mission today, you could maybe get human to Mars by 2019. Like, maybe he's going to. Maybe, I don't know. But John, there was the day. There was, there was scant information about this in the documentary and it was in Russian.

So I only have secondhand reports. But what I can tell you is that the space race was good for getting America to the moon. And the space race was indeed inspired by competition between the US and Russia to show how great each country was and we showed them that we were great. And maybe that kind of non-military competition would push forward maybe some exploration, but in general, it's not great because we tend to deprioritize science

when we do it that way. You know, one thing I did not think when we started this podcast, is that by the end of it, you would be pro cold war. Well, I think it's great. I think it's a nice provocative, interesting call. And I like it. I like it. Like, honestly, what you're hearing me say right now

is maybe we shouldn't go to Mars by 2027. We should slow down and not do it this way. Oh, OK. All right. So if there's a way to not do it this way, that would be great. And to prioritize. Maybe we should just slow down and go to Mars in 2029 or later. Yeah. Right. Well, I just I think that we should do it cooperatively and not as a competition. And that

it should be a thing that brings the world together instead of being a fight. But yeah, I mean, I guess if Potomore Putin wants to, like, they don't have a great track record of getting missions to Mars without them being destroyed, so I would not personally sign up for that mission. To be clear, I also wouldn't sign up for a mission that was being run by Elon Musk or the US government because of how I would probably vomit a lot for a lot of months before we got there. And also, I was very scared about walking

on the edge of the Grand Canyon. I don't feel like I'd be great at just being on the edge of the perpetual abyss. So, yeah, but it doesn't seem like the safest strategy for Vladimir Putin to be like, hey, look, we're going to have to look cooler than America. So let's get this together and just slap a couple of co-cans together, see if we can

get people to Mars. Well that is an exciting and interesting development. I also recall the president of the United States saying that he wanted to get people to Mars by the end of his first term. And that seems to have been a promise that has fallen by the way. Yes. He also, our president this week said that Hillary Clinton wouldn't send people to Mars. And I was just like, I mean, like, what's happening?

Well, is he going to send people to Mars because that it does it? I don't think so. That seems like, okay, that's a bit of a strawman argument. However, let us turn our attention, Hank, to America's favorite third tier English soccer team, AFC Wimbledon, now with only nine games remaining in their League one campaign nestled

uncomfortably in 18th place. We have to finish in 20th or above. We played Rochtdale Rochtdale Rochtdale Rochtdale last on Saturday. They are near the bottom, but they're near the bottom, partly because they've had a very good cup run. But anyway, they're near the bottom, and we tied them, which is not a great result, but if you were at the game or watched it as I did on my phone, then it is a great result, because we should have lost.

We have a really good performance from our goalkeeper, George Long. I thought he did a really good job. And also they hit the post, really kind of the inside of the post once. They were definitely, I mean, we were away from home, but they were definitely kind of carrying the day. But one, it puts us one point closer to safety. At this point, Wimbledon are on 42.3. That's right. Three points clear of the relegation zone. I still think we probably need three wins or two wins and two draws at least to stay up in our last six, our last nine games.

So yeah, I mean, we need some results is what it comes down to. But right now, Wimbledon are safe. If the season ended today, wouldn't that be nice? We would end safely, and we would have another season in League One. The last thing I wanna say about the news from AFC Wimbledon Hank is that demolition has begun on the site

where the new Plow Lane Stadium will be built and they are aiming to be, have that stadium finished and ready for soccer for the 2019-2020 season. So that is incredibly exciting and I will certainly keep everyone up to date on that. That will be the end of a long, long, long part of Wimbledon's history. It will be a great coming home. And even hearing the fan sing, we're coming home, we're coming home when I was at the Oxford game was very moving.

So it's really, yeah, things are good-ish but also kind of terrifying. We have a note from, this is a soccer-related note from Evelyn or Evelyn, who is this dear Hankajan. Hi, my name is Evelyn, and I'm confused about this Peterborough third-tier soccer team you speak of. I'm sure. I play for a U-14 first-tier soccer team from Peterborough, Ontario.

Where does your Peterborough team come from? And are they any good? There's Ontario. And to, and to, and to Rio. Did I say, on, on, on, Terry are. Oh. On, on, on, on to Rio.

Evelyn, I'm about to totally blow your mind. So I hope you're sitting down. A lot of place names in Canada are named after place names in Great Britain and you'll never guess why. It's because the Queen's on your money, man. You got the Queen on your money. Yeah, I mean Evelyn, you have Queen Elizabeth the second on your money.

Peterborough is also a town in The Great Nation of I can never remember if it's England or Great Britain I don't like to offend those people and they're very Pursnickety about which is which well, it's it's definitely in Great Britain It's also with England. Can't Evelyn the important thing is that Canada is a colony of England and that is why you live in a town called Peterborough. John, do you know where Peterborough got its name? Uh, yes. I don't.

I've got a guess. I've got a guess. I- Is it from the Apostle Peter? I don't- I don't know, John. I- I was just- I just wondered if you knew the answer That's the dumbest that's the dumbest the dumbest question I've ever been asked in my entire life It replaces the previous dumbest question what question did you hope I would ask that I haven't asked yet? Oh gosh. I was recently doing an interview and the person I was interviewing asked me a question and

I was just like, no, I can't answer questions right now. I am extremely focused on how nervous I am to interview you. Oh, okay, we are completely wrong on every level. What do you mean? I mean that Peterborough is not named after the town in England. That's just convergent name evolution. It's named after Peter Robinson an early Canadian politician who oversaw the first major immigration to the area.

So there you go. And also, its nickname in the distant past was the Electric City, as it was the first town in Canada. Do you select street lights? Well, let's bring it back. Oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like bring back's bring it back. Oh. Like, bring back the electric street lights. Yeah.

Well, no, just bring back, let's start calling the electric city again. I think that sounds great. All right, I got to find out who Peter Burrow in England was named for. Hank, finish the podcast while I say you're out. I'm looking at the Wikipedia page, and it makes no sense.

I do not understand what's happening. It's so stupid, but I'm so annoyed now, and I got to figure it out. So what, I do not understand what's happened. It's so stupid, but I'm so annoyed now, and I gotta figure it out. So what, you do, what did we learn? Do all four of the, what did we learn? Well, I'm figuring out the stupid Peterborough question. All right. So what did we learn today, John?

Well, Tink, we learned that Harry Styles is named Harry Edward Styles, and may or may not have been upon that Harry Styles' parents were playing on him. We also learned that there are some fork people and some fork people are cute and we don't know why they have so many forks. But also some people save their plastic forks, which is not something that I do. I throw them away every time, though I was at the Frozen Yogurt Place yesterday, and the

people asked the people at the Frozen Yogurt Place if they washed the spoons to reuse, and they were like, no, and then they all took their spoons with them, which I guess so you're not the only one Maya. We also learned that John and I have regrets. And that's normal, but we never threw away anybody's hamster. And finally, John, we learned that Peter Borough is not named after Peter Borough. I did it. Still don't have an answer to your stupid question. It's going to drive me crazy. I told it. Still don't have an answer to your stupid question. It's gonna drive me crazy

Told you it's weird right? It's not weird. It's just a look at the epage makes no sense God it's stupid super enough. I'm gonna have to let go first I'm gonna have to figure it out second. I'm gonna have to edit this Wikipedia page to make sense God I'm so annoyed. Who's the Peter? Who's Peter? God, it's a very simple question. I don't care about the burrow.

I don't care where it's located. I don't care when it was founded. Who the F is the Peter? For the love of God. All right, Hank, let's just take five minutes. This is stupid and annoying, but let's just both of us take five minutes to figure out what Peter, Peterborough,

was named for, and then we'll hard-cut to us when we know. All right, I'll talk to you in five minutes. Oh, yes. Okay, what'd you get? In honor of the saint to who it was dedicated, this is from a Google Books result in 970, however, some Bishop of Winchester restored it by the assistance of Edgar and his queen and from Meda Hampstead, its name was changed to Guildenburg, Golden City for its riches, and again from that to Peter Burrow in honor of the saint to whom it was dedicated.

So there we go at last. That better be the answer. I'm not digging any deeper. It's in a book, John. It's got to be real. It's not even a website. Yeah. It is, and the book is called the geographical dictionary of England and Wales. So it seems like it should be reliable. Oh, God, it's over. Oh, thank you so much to be turned out to be the author of that book. It turned out to be the person I was guessing from the very beginning, but I'm just glad that it's over. I've been able to close the loop.

And now we can read the credits. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Hallsborough-Hossin, shared in Gibson Arc, out of community and communications. It's a Victoria by Horton. That was a very weird noise. What, my giggle?

Yeah. It was just because it came in like our head of community, you were like, ARK. I had a community of community. I'm still laughing about you being all weird about Peterborough. I wasn't weird about it. I just needed to answer the question before we could move on.

The music that you're hearing right now, and beginning the podcast, and during this week at Ryan's, which is available to our Patreon patrons who give over five dollars a month. It's our dumb podcast where we try to stump each other about people not named Ryan. And you can get it and love it and I love all of you who love it. Um, is available at patreon.com slash deer hankajon. You can send us questions at hankajon.gmail.com and it's also you can do that on Twitter. I'm Hank Green. John is John Green and as they say in our

whole day, wait, wait, two things. First off, I don't think you ever said the name of our head of community and communications which is Victoria Bonjour-no and also I don't think you ever said that the music that we were listening to that were a presume we still listening to is like that're presuming we still listening to, is like, I did that part. You never said, you never said, gonna roll up. I'm positive. Oh, you're right, I didn't get to that part. Thanks for listening, and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. you