Dear Hank & John - 143: Eleven Peas

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

Are there any good billionaires? How do I get better at contracts? What are the rules of doctor-patient small talk? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn Thanks to Simple Contacts for sponsoring this episode! Get $30 off your contacts at simplecontacts.com/dearhank or simplecontacts.com/dearjohn, or enter code dearhank or dearjohn at checkout.

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Who is that for to think of it Dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast in which two brothers answer your questions, give you to be a advice, and worry about the world a lot, and then bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC, Wibble D'And John Green. What is the elephant in the room? Alright Hank, let's do it three two one

Ambient inspired racism Wait, what ambient inspired racism? Oh, I I mean I have done such a good job of not knowing what's happening with Rosanne other than she doesn't have a television show anymore And then you just you didn't let me continue to live in that world. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Of course, the thing we should be talking about is Liverpool football cup, John. Liverpool had what can only be termed an epic, epic failure in the Champions League final

hand. It was pretty brutal to watch as the goalkeeper, Laura Scarious, let in two of the worst goals, not just in the history of the Champions League, but in the history of professional soccer, just a proper collapse, and it was brutal to watch. And I have, this is the part where I would say the good part about it, and the hopeful part, but instead, all I feel is despair. What's going on with Roseanne and Ambien, please don't tell me. Well apparently so basically Ambien would like everyone to know that and indeed tweeted

about the fact that none of the side effects of their drugs is being racist on Twitter. Oh that's good to know. Yeah and because I do sometimes take Ambien Yeah, what what happens do you have any good? Does Ambien do stuff what does Ambien do it mostly makes me go to sleep. That's why I take it Right, do you ever like wake up and you're like weird story for me? I went and gardened in the middle of the night or something. No, not really. No, I took it after the Liverpool Champions League

last actually just so that I could get a good night's sleep without having those two horrific goals running through my mind all night long. Hey, yeah. Thank you for bringing me up to date on the Rosanne situation, just kidding. What is the opposite of thank you? I don't know. up to date on the Rosanne situation just kidding. What is the opposite of thank you?

I don't know what to bring up because I don't care about sports. But like, oh man, this is day two when we're recording this of the world being like, wow, this whole thing is actually happening right now. This is a situation that we're inside of. And also that Russian journalist, or Ukrainian journalist, didn't get killed by the Russian government. He didn't. He just said so.

And I can't follow that. I cannot be using. Recommend not having a Twitter enough, because you get a completely different set of news. Like, you don't get the like breaking, it's happening now news. Instead, you get sort of like summaries of the news, provided hours later, once the news has broken. So while you're busy like breaking the news, I'm just in my garden waiting for the next day when I will find out from the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times and the Economist what the news was.

Yeah, it's sort of amazing to think about how people used to live in a world where you had to wait to the next day to find out what news was. That's not new. That's the olds. Let's get to some questions from my listeners. This first question comes from Scott who writes dear John and Hank some cows live in pastures Others live in beautiful diverse landscapes with breathtaking ocean views Do these ladder cows enjoy the view great Scott That's good one. That's a good one. Of course. Of course they they they must but also Why haven't we converted that land to apartments yet? People need houses, John.

Well, cows do not appreciate beautiful views first off. That's the security. I disagree with this, sir. I don't know if that's true. I think that they appreciate a diverse variety of things to look at. I do. I really do.

And I don't have any objective, scientific basis for that. But I think that all organisms have innate curiosity because that is how you learn things. And I think that a more diverse environment is almost always better for an animal, even an animal that has been bread and bread and bread and bread to be happy or at least satisfied in any situation.

I don't disagree with that. I just think that looking out at the ocean isn't the most interesting view if you're a cow. Right, okay, I think that humans like beaches, but that doesn't mean that cows like beaches. I think what cows are looking at is a field of tall, flowing grass. And they're just like, look at all that food.

I really, yeah, and I officially now want to read Watership Down, but with cows, like right now. Yes. Great idea. If that's a possibility, I would totally ingest that content, except that it would have a very sad ending. Well, have you read Watership Down?

Yeah. It's got some sad parts, it turns out. Very sad parts, very, very sad parts, almost nothing but sad parts. Ah, it's very adventurous, though. And I want to know what the cows are thinking, John. Put me inside of that in between those, those just lifeless-, beady eyes that

seem to contain nothing. I want to know what's going on in there. Do you know that cows are one of many mammals that could not survive without the bacteria that colonized them? Oh, of course. Oh, man, cows would be totally over immediately, if it weren't for the bacteria that colonized them. But I'm also one of those. John, did you know that there are some species of bug?

There are bugs that have bacteria in their stomachs that allow them to survive? Sometimes fungi? Yeast? That's great. Yeah, it's awesome. It's not just mammals. Like there are all kinds of bugs that eat wood basically,

but bugs can't digest wood, but fungi can, because fungi can digest anything, they're amazing. Yeah, no, I mean, it is crazy how dependent life is upon life. Oh, that is very true, John, which is why we should be looking out for all of the life and saying, hey, you, life, I forgot to not kill you, I'm so sorry. I don't think we should look out for all life equally.

I don't agree with that at all. Not even a little bit. I agree, I agree with you. Like, man, we gotta make sure to protect all the mosquitoes because how old are people gonna get malaria? Occasionally, somebody will say to me, Hank, all life is supposed to be helpful to the world, but what's the purpose of ticks?

And I was like, I don't know where your initial premise came from. No, life is not like, it isn't that every life is necessary for it all to work. No, ticks can be over immediately, and everyone would be fine. Yeah, no, let's get rid of ticks and mosquitoes and just see what happens. Maybe things will be worse, but probably not.

This next question comes from Kay who asks, dear Hank and John, greetings, I'm Kay. I love your podcasts. I just watched John's FIFA video about the Alaska adaptation. Congrats, John. And John talked about signing a contract, which is very interesting for me, because I have currently, in my hand, a contract paper that made me question

a very important thing for my future. I'm 20, I dropped out of college early because of a traffic accident last February, and I have a passion in writing horror comics. My comics called The Librarian, and people can read it for free on C-I-A-Y-O.com. She goes on to say that the comic has been doing very well and there's like a mobile game an animated web series Maybe even a movie and then says what I realize I never once try to haggle any of these contracts

I just accept them as is talking about money profits and businesses scary for me I feel like a little girl lost at a tsunami of adults and big companies What should I do so I can handle this better for my future contracts? Or is it actually just okay to trust these people and have them pick the prices for me? Any kind of advice and opinions appreciated wholeheartedly. Thank you for eating this. And I hope I could be as kind as you too when I'm older, okay? That's very sweet that you think that we're nice. John, agents, right? That's the answer. Agents. Yeah, Kay, you need to get an agent. And if you're bringing an income, a lot of agents will be happy to work with you.

Like, if your webcomic is generating any money at all, agents will be happy to take 10% of that money. And they are worth it, at least a good agent is because they can protect your interests. And I think if I had had a different agent when I signed the Looking for Alaska deal, the rights wouldn't have been sold forever and ever to Paramount. Now, in the end, that has turned out okay because I am really excited about the Hulu adaptation that Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage are doing. And I think it's gonna be great, but it has been a very long 13 years

since I sold the rights and it has not always been fun and a big part of the reason it hasn't been fun is because in the process, I did not retain any control at all in any way and that's been frustrating at times because stuff has happened that I didn't like or that I wouldn't have done and people, especially like people in the world outside of

you know the little pond of publishing don't necessarily understand that the rights that authors have and don't have are the ones they retain and don't retain and how that stuff can depend on who your agent is and what not. So yeah, I just think you need to have somebody who is on your team and who has your best interest

at heart and who is an expert in this stuff because otherwise the negotiation just isn't gonna be fair. It's just never gonna be fair. The thing that I didn't realize going into this is that it's not just like about the number. Like, your agent is looking at the thing and saying, like, like, this isn't enough money. But it's also about a thousand other things. So there's the amount of money you get paid. There's the amount of time

the, like, there's different ways that the, like, the intellectual property can be used and those are all different categories. And there's there's like how the money is paid out. This stuff you don't wanna care about. I don't wanna think about this stuff and so I have to have an expert person who knows what is like standard and what to ask for and if they want one thing, what to not give them if they,

if you're gonna give them something else. And you don't wanna be doing that negotiation because one, you're not a lawyer and agents often are, which is really nice. And two, like, you want to make stuff, not worry about all of this tsunami of adults in big companies. Yeah, I just think it's really, really hard not to get take an advantage of if you don't have somebody who's an expert who's on your team in that process. Now some people do it, some people don't have agents and are very successful and so our way is not the only way, but it's certainly the way that's worked best for me. Also, if there's a tsunami of actual human bodies, that's very dangerous and you should

get away. What could there be a tsunami of that wouldn't be very dangerous? Like it's hard to imagine any matter related tsunami not being a significant threat. My first thought was bowling pins and I feel like that would be a really terrible idea. It was like really painful. Not since the even worse than water. Not since you proposed the dog name manhole if you had a worse idea. Just a tsunami of like hippos,

but maybe not big hippos, baby hippos, miniature hippos, just coming at you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that'd be bad too. Sure, how'd you suffocate under a pile of baby hippos? We would have to be something. Even like feathers and our leaves, I feel like if it's a tsunami, and it's gonna get you too much.

No, we should avoid tsunamis. Let's just try to minimize the overall number of tsunamis. This next question comes from Jared, who writes, dear John and Hank, I've been in a real reading slumplately and everything I try to start doesn't hold my interest. When I don't follow through with a recommendation from a friend,

they often get upset or offended that I didn't finish it or give it a fair chance. But life's too short to finish a book, you're not enjoying, right? I've seen Hank Tweet several times about the expand series by James S.A. Cory, which I loved and the King Killer Chronicles by Patrick Roffus, which are my very favorite books.

I've decided maybe you are who I should be getting my recommendations from. Any other great suggestions to get me back into reading again? Other than, of course, your book an absolutely remarkable thing, which comes out on September 25th and is available for pre-order now. He went to comma Jared.

That's a joke that only Americans will get. People outside of America are gonna be like, what, but Jared is a jewelry chain in the United States. And all the commercials are like, oh my God, he went to Jared. It's a pretty sexist. It's terrible. But, it does give Jared a name specific sign off, which is great. It's a pretty sexist, uh, terrible, but... materialistic.

It does give Jared a name specific sign off, which is great. That's good. That's good. It's got that going for it. The first thing I got to say to you, Jared, is never be ashamed for liking the media that you like. It's okay to be like, I didn't, I'm not into that thing. It's always good to expand your horizons,

try out new stuff. But if your friends want you to like a kind of book that you don't like, that's okay. And if you find the kind of thing that you do like, then go for it. And there are lots of good places to get recommendations based on the stuff that you like. I just read a book that was,

you'll probably like very much, even though it will last you for a total of two days because it's a page turner called Dark Matter by a person whose name I can't remember. That's a great recommendation. Have you read it, John? No. It's by Blake Crouch.

It's really, it's an adventure page turner book and super fun sci-fi and I think that you'll love it, Jared. I also can't recommend Cat Philente's space opera enough times, which I feel like I've done it a lot, but I just like it so much. I'm gonna recommend Children of Blood and Bone to both Jared and you Hank. I thought it was great. It just really, really great big fantasy world full of excitement. If you liked King Killer Chronicles, I think you'll love it. It's really, it's really, really good. And only the first book in the series is out, so you can have that wonderful slash terrible feeling of having to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for the next book. Also, Jared, I'm gonna recommend my books. I don't know if you've read them.

But I, you know, my books especially turtles all the way down because it is available only in hardcover. And I'm not above that, Jared. I'm not above trying to squeeze out an extra dollar in 60 cents from you. Well, at this point, like, I'm not above trying to squeeze out an extra dollar and 60 cents from you Well at this point like Do the amount of money you make go down per book as time goes on like when they goes to different types of paperback? I imagine it does

Well, you mean like do mass market paperbacks pay less than yeah, yeah, they do usually but that said the big the big gap is between hardcover and paperback so buy those hard covers thank you thank you so much for doing that I've got a garden to maintain you gotta pay for those peas yeah you know I'm paying 25 cents a pee right now in terms of In terms of the amount of peas I'm getting per gallon of water use Like if you buy a hard cover of turtles all the way down what that means for me is 11 peas It's terrible. Speaking of which, this next question comes from John, who asks, dear Hank and John,

are there any good billionaires? John then goes on to describe a number of billionaires. Some of whom are more well known for their good and some who are more well known for their bad. But really, I think we can just leave it at that. Are there any good billionaires? So I am going to take a pretty unpopular position on this one-hank because I know that in our culture

there is nothing that people like to both worship and hate more than billionaires. Like in a way, it feels like in this new gilded age, just like the last gilded age, the billionaires have become their own form of celebrity, even though the vast majority of billionaires aren't at all famous. The billionaires who are are kind of wildly famous or famous beyond all. It's great, it's weird.

We live in a weird time for billionaires. Not just well known, but worshiped in a way. Yeah, but worshiped and then treated by others as false idols. Yes. So almost like you have to fall one place or the other. Billionaires are good or billionaires are evil. Instead of billionaires are humans and they're complicated and they're capable of doing good things. But I think it's very difficult to become a billionaire without behaving in ways that, dot, dot, dot.

I think that the other thing to consider is that while a billionaire, of course, I don't think that any billionaire is evil, I don't really believe in the idea of evil when applied to people That's a big that's a big thing to say and not back it up, but I do Yeah, so we could join and I will disagree on that But I I One of the questions that I think about is like whether the possibility of billionaires is evil like the fact that it's possible

to have a level of, that is the thing that I think is the problem. I don't think it should be possible for there to be billionaires. And it requires a set of incentives that don't make any sense, societally, or individually. Like, I don't, that, I'll leave it at that. Yeah, I absolutely agree. I think sometimes people feel like billionaires are exempt from social, socioeconomic, political pressures

that somehow they've escaped the systems that shaped the rest of our lives. And I just don't think that's true. And I think there are things that are evil about the system, and billionaires in many cases have benefited from those systemic evils, and that should trouble them. But I have also benefited from a lot

of those systemic evils, and that needs to trouble me. Yeah, and I know from talking to you that it does. Oh, it does. I buy my new book. That he needs a new pair of peas. My favorite joke I've ever made on the podcast. I didn't like it much the first time, but I really didn't care for it the second time. This is so often the case.

This next question comes from Andy who writes, dear John and Hank, when I do my laundry, the Lint filter always fills up with every load. I don't know what kind of laundry you're doing there. Andy, but it seems like you're going a little hard. But doesn't this mean that my clothes are shedding mass and should eventually disappear? Are my clothes gaining mass from another source

so that the net loss is zero? Or is this process just so slow that I should be measuring my clothes in geological time? A and B and C, Andy. Oh, that's good, Andy. That's good. That's a good one. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I know. I know, I didn't get it until you said it. It's the best. Andy, you're closer losing mass, but they are losing mass very slowly. That's why when you have a 35 year old t-shirt, it feels real, real thin. Well, and also why close brick.

I mean, you definitely see this with jeans. I'm just like, where did my pants go? These, there was wave, and I could be fascinating. I don't know why I've never seen anyone do this. Put some jeans in the washing machine and then take out the lint filter and weigh it and then take out the pants and weigh them before and after and find out how much pant you lost.

Every time, it basically like saying, tell me how long before my pants don't exist anymore, and I should stop washing my pants. You know they say, John, that you shouldn't wash jeans. This is the new thing. You should never wash your jeans, and that's just a headline that I read, and I know nothing else about that,

because that's how the internet works. God, it's gonna say, welcome to 2018 internet, where you can read a headline and be an expert. Never wash your jeans again. Stop doing that. This next question comes from Rachel with right steer, John and Hank. I'm in my grandmother's house, which is decorated with all manner of lovely needle points and hookrugs.

However, there is one hanging in the main floor bathroom of a large black cat with angry yellow eyes that stare into the depths of your heart and steal your soul. Those eyes are the only bright spots in a black-tiled bathroom with a black toilet and black counters. Furthermore, it is positioned above the toilet facing the sink, so if I want to pee or wash my hands, I have to turn my back on the creepy cat risking my very life. I can keep an eye on it in the mirror, but sometimes that's even worse. The other bathrooms are occupied, and I really have to pee. What should I do? Semper Ubi-sub-Ubi,

Rachel. By the way, that means always wear underwear. That's it. It's a pun. It's not how the Romans would have said it, but you get it. I get it. Rachel, your grandmother is a satanist. Or she's just really into the occult. She's definitely really into the occult, but she only expresses it in one bathroom. I, well, you also, but there's ways to handle this. I mean, one, like first support your grandmother

and whatever her beliefs are, like absolutely. Absolutely. To believe different things. But also, it's okay, while you're in a situation with its private situation, to just take something, move it, and then put it back when you leave. You don't have, you can touch the creepy cat towel, yeah?

It's not a towel, it's a rug. I mean, a needle point. It's a, what? I don't know my nouns. It's a needle point, but the thought of Rachel's grandmother carefully needle pointing this evil black cat to put in her black bathroom that is the main bathroom guests of the house use is just so magnificent. And I want to congratulate Rachel's grandmother on being so successfully creepy.

Like how wonderful is it that there's a goth grandma in the world? I think it's good news, Rachel. I think you should embrace your goth grandma and be grateful for her. Now the question is, would it be better to have the creepy cat like when you're peeing, facing, like looking at you from behind

and you don't know what it's doing? Or is it worse if you took pee and stare into the eyes of the cat. Oh, it's way worse to stare into the eyes. Definitely worse. You think? I don't know. It's always waiting where you're not looking. It's also very scary because you don't know

what it's doing back there. Rachel, is there any way you can draw a smiley face on the cat? Because I feel like a yellow-eyed black cat is super intimidating until you draw like a yellow-eyed black cat is super intimidating until you draw like a clownish smiley face on it. And then it's just not a big deal. Is it maybe that like having something behind you,

scaring you helps you pee? Like maybe your grandma does a little bit, a little bit like blocked in the bladder. Sure. Needs the fear to inspire the grandma pee. Brilliant, Hank, you've solved it. You've solved it again. I mean, just call him Perry Mason, ladies and gentlemen. Don't call him Perry Mason, no one knows who that is. Everybody knows who Perry Mason is, Hank. I mean, that show didn't go off the air until like 1974. Oh gosh, Perry Mason, I gotta Google it.

I gotta Google it. It went off the air in 1966. Oh Jesus, it's worse than I thought. All right, just call him Colombo, ladies and gentlemen. Call him Colombo. That's just better, but still bad. What's the guy from CSI? Just call him Law and Order SVU.

Just call him that guy from CSI Miami with the sunglasses. David Bronkoccio. David Brown. David, that was the guy who came up when I said the guy from CSI is Warwick Brown. Who's he? David Caruso. It's David Caruso, isn't it?

Oh my God. If it's David Caruso, I feel like I should win some kind of honorary Oscar. David Caruso. It is. David Caruso. Honorary Oscar, bestowed upon John Green. Put those sunglasses on. You stumbled forth into the unknown of your own mind and found a place

that was correct. Wow. I'm very pleased with myself for remembering who David Caruso was. Anyway, I hope the David Caruso wherever he is is well. It's nice of you, John. I really like you. You're always thinking about other people. This question comes from Katie, who asks Dear Hank and John, is it dishonest to not tell internet celebs that I know who they are if I find myself in a casual conversation with them? EG, we sat next to each other at the theater and are chatting like strangers, even though I know weird facts about them and honestly quite a lot about the life they share publicly. Please answer, so I have one

fewer thing to keep me awake at night, Katie. Sleepy emoji. I've definitely been in the situation where I've met people several times before I found it that they knew who I am and I don't feel weird about that. I can usually tell, or at least I can, I think I can usually tell. Oh, I've been wrong. Have you ever been wrong because that's the worst? Oh, yeah.

It's super embarrassing to be wrong. There was one time I might have told the story on the pod before where my buddy, Chris and I, were at the airport and he checked out right in front of me and then I was checking out and the young woman behind the counter was super nervous and excited and she was like, can I ask you a question and I was like, yeah, you know what, yeah, I am. And she said, was that Vince Vaughn? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Yep, yep. And I was like, oh no, that wasn't Vince Vaughn. I've actually been on the other side of this experience. I'd valed my car and I was waiting for the car to come back.

And also waiting next to me was actually the guy who won the Indy 500 over the weekend, Will Power. That's his real name. And he's one of my favorite drivers. He's an incredibly talented driver and a wonderful person does a ton of work in the community. And it's just a lovely, lovely guy. And I was like, oh my god, that's willpower. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. And then I just like tried to talk as normally as I could do. And we had a pretty fairly normal

conversation. He actually spoke to me first. Otherwise, I wouldn't have spoken to him. We had a fairly normal conversation. And then the valet pulled up my Chevy Volt and Will Power said, you know I am also a Chevrolet driver. I said, I know Will Power, I know. I know you're a Chevrolet driver. I know you drive the number 12 Penske. That's so good. I know.

You know what I'm a little fault that he was like, oh, you know, me too. I also have a Chevrolet. It goes 237 miles an hour. It's like, well mine has an electric battery with a gasoline generator backup. Does yours have that will power? I do think that it's fine to pretend

or just to act like the person you're talking to is a normal person and to try to talk to them as normal a way as possible. The only way that this gets weird is if the relationship persists and goes, I had a friend who was dating a girl for a year before he found out that she was a fan of his for a year before they met. And that's a little weird. Yeah, I'd bring it up before you're one year anniversary. It's like, oh, that seems like a big lie that we've been living with. Happened, we.

I'd say like a medium-sized lie, but you know, one, a big enough lie. A big enough lie that maybe it shouldn't have been there in the first place. This next question comes from Zachariah who writes, dear John and Hank, I'm a senior in high school and I've recently found myself in a sticky situation or rather an unsticky situation. Oh, it's just a little bit more creative. It's a little bit more creative. What's that?

I said, oh, it's lubricated. The situation. I mean, I don't think that was your phrase of the week, but I kind of hope that it was. I recently purchased a toaster from a nearby goodwill and went on a cute random toaster date with my crush. Oh, yeah. Wait, does this person have a crush on their toaster?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the brot that brought a person along. Oh, a toaster date. I don't know exactly what that is, but I'm excited to find out more. We got to the park and put the bread in and had homemade orange marmalade at the ready, but the toaster did not work, and we had to go into the evening toaster prived and none of my special homemade marmalade was enjoyed. You did park it in right? Like, because it's the park. Were there plugs? Yeah, Sakurai, I'm just going to stop you right there. You can't take a toaster to the park and get mad that the toaster doesn't work because toasters require electricity and you're in a park

and that is the issue and I have solved the problem. Most of the parks I've ever been to don't have plugs. It's just like a thing they don't have. But sometimes, maybe sometimes they do. When, like, when do you ever like walk up to a tree in a park and you're like, oh, what if there's an outlet here? Like there is an outlet, amazing. A picnic pavilion, yeah?

Whether or not you can rent out this picnic pavilion if you would like to have your son or daughter's birthday party here and there's a gorilla area, but maybe sometimes the place to plug in your stereo. I have seen the grill area and I've seen the picnic area and I can picture all of it and where are the plugs? You're doing a battery powered stereo. I think it's possible.

Hold on, I'm gonna Google battery powered toaster to see if it's such a thing exists. It does. Oh my God, it does. I can't. Why not? You gotta go to AliBaba.com and this thing takes 23 batteries. No, you have to put it, it doesn't recharge.

I was just thinking that kind of your Chevy Volt is a battery powered toaster. You got a different toaster. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You back off right there. My Chevy Volt is a magnificent, magnificent car. It's an amazing piece of engineering. I wish I had it myself. Here's a battery powered toaster

that toasts one slice and costs $56 on Amazon. Frankly, frankly, Zachariah, I think you got an incredibly good deal on your dollar and 60 toaster that doesn't work in the park. Right. I think you should just be happy. I think that you should just be happy no matter what.

If that's an option, but also I think that you should be happy that you're the kind of person who goes on a toast date with your crush because that feels like the kind of like perspective that that comes from is also the kind of perspective that's gonna lead to just a really great life. I agree, Hank, and it reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by ToasterDates. ToasterDates.

Oh, ToasterDates. You wanna be near electricity. This podcast is also brought to you by Toaster Dates. Toaster Dates. Oh, sister Dates. You wanna be near electricity. This is my podcast. Podcast is also brought to you by John's P's. John's P's, they're really the same as other P's. Quarter of P's. And of course today's podcast is also brought to you by David Caruso.

David Caruso, remember? And yeah, very mason, remember? And finally this podcast is brought to you by disappearing pants. Just put them in the dryer, turn the dryer on to infinity, open it after infinity has happened no more pants. Mm-hmm, I mean, isn't that always true

if you waited infinite amount of time? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, definitely. If you wait infinity, all pants will be gone. Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and to AFC Wimbledon, I want to ask you a few more questions. Beginning with this question from Graham. Do you, John and Hank, for a birthday gift, my girlfriend got herself and I meet and greet tickets

to see my all-time favorite band, Blink 182. I'm super excited to go and all, but since I knew I was going, all I can think of is the old adage never meet your heroes. To call the guys from Blink 182, my heroes is an understatement. I worry there's a truth to the saying, and that somehow I'll leave disappointed, even though it'll just be a quick hello and have them sign an album or whatever. I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing, and that I'll leave with an awesome experience. How has meeting people you've admired played out

Bon Appetit Graham and Cheese? Graham and Cheese, it's the things I'd never get it until you say it out loud. And now I do. I also didn't get that one until I set it out loud. It's good. Is that your phrase of the week John Graham and Cheese because it's a good one?

It is not. Yes, well Graham would have really helped you there. So in my experience, I've not, I've had some experiences where the people I've seen, but to be clear, I've had a lot of experience where I've met people that have been a big fan of, very lucky in that regard. And almost never have I been disappointed by the experience. I think that if, to some extent, this don't meet your hero's thing,

it's a little bit like, might be better said as don't idolize people that way, because they are just people. Right. If you're disappointed, it may be because they're jerks. It will more likely be because they're people, and they might be tired, and they might be concerned about how long the line is, and they might be tired and they might be concerned about how long the line is and they might be concerned about how many hours until the show and so their their their mind might be on on other stuff and that might be a bummer. Now hopefully it'll be a quick interaction and they'll be present and you'll be present and you'll feel really good about the opportunity and

and it'll feel awesome. But I don't think that always happens, but I also don't think it's anybody's fault that it doesn't always happen. For a long time, I stopped wanting to do any signings because I felt like I was disappointing almost everyone in the signing line by not being as present as I wanted to be because of my mental health stuff and I just couldn't be there. Well, it's also, it's also, it's like maybe it's better not. It's easy to get into your own head about that. And so the moment you start looking at the person and being like, am I satisfying

that your expectations of this experience, you like, you never know. And so you kind of suddenly start to feel like every person is just like, I'm not, like, you need to give me five star rating here because I don't know if this is going well. I like, how am I supposed to do this? Am I supposed to make like a funny, unique joke for every person? Because I can't.

I just want the people, like, the thing that I'm trying to say is like, I appreciate you and they're trying to say, I appreciate you. And that is, from my experience, like that's what really we're trying to get out of a meet and greet, is to like, have that experience where everything I do is reliant upon people who support our content. And if they want to say that they have had good experiences because of the stuff that I've made, I want to tell them that I have had good experiences because they like the stuff that I've made. And just that moment of mutual appreciation is the thing that I

try and get out of it instead of being like, am I supposed to make this the most memorable, amazing experience of this person's life? No, we're just trying to say we like each other. Yeah, I can't really do that very effectively. I feel like, but the guys of Blink 182 have been out of the lot longer, so I feel better about their ability to get it done, Graham, than I feel about my own ability. So don't ever meet me, but I wouldn't worry too much

about meeting Blink 182. We've got a question here that comes from Poppy who asks, dear Hank and John, last year I was diagnosed with cancer, which has meant a lot of hospital stays and a lot of being around nurses and doctors. I'm thankfully fine and in remission now, but I still go to see the doctor fairly often to make sure everything's going to plan. Whenever I see doctors, the first thing they ask is how I am and as an extremely awkward person, I find this question really difficult to respond to every time. Are they asking me as a doctor?

How my health has been? Or whether like life at uni is going particularly well? Am I meant to ask them how they are too? What are the social rules around doctor patient's small talk? I hope you could provide me with some advice so that my next appointment is a little less stressful poppy. So, John, you walked to the doctor and the doctor is like, how you do? And, John, what do you say? I say, fine except for symptom so that we can get right to the point because I don't think that they're in the room to become

my friend and I certainly have not gone to the doctor to have a social engagement. I've gone to the doctor because I have a health concern or because it's a checkup or whatever. And so I think, you know, even if you have, I guess if you have a long term relationship with your doctor, you know, you might talk about other things like, for instance, when Sarah was pregnant, our doctor who delivered the babies, we got to know that doctor much better than we get to know most doctors. And so that's a little bit different. And it may be because you've had a long-term relationship

with these people and because they've cared for you through treatment for cancer and everything that it's appropriate to answer you know, answer by saying that you're doing really well at university. That probably makes them super happy to hear. But also, if you've got a concern, I say lead with it. Right. Yeah. I live in a small town, so I like see my doctor sometimes at the store or a restaurant or some such. And so there's some expectation that like, we're going to have a relationship that is beyond just like,

I have a bad toe problem, please help. I don't have any bad toe problems. I'm a new mom listens to the podcast and so she's gonna call me and be like, what's wrong with your toe? And so I just wanna make sure that we're explicit about that. Does he huge relief? Um, but yeah, I think that in general, to make sure that we're explicit about that. Does he huge relief?

But yeah, I think that in general, that is small talk and it's okay to be like, good, school's great and I've been feeling XYZ. And that is a fine amount of small talk. But are you supposed to ask them how they're doing? They're probably not gonna tell you any of their symptoms and be like, yeah, well, I've got this chronic hemorrhoid that's no fun. That doesn't seem like a very doctor-y thing to do.

But I think it's also fine to ask them how they're doing and they will probably say, boy, this rain sure is a lot. Now on to doctor things. Yeah, there's a part of me that wonders what people who live in extremely consistent climates even talk about talk about like if you live in Los Angeles What is the casual conversation about like I I I couldn't bear to live there is 72 degrees and beautiful again today That's the reason I couldn't bear to live in a place like that because the weather is essentially the only thing

I talk about to strangers. And if I didn't have that, if I wasn't able to say like, it's a hot one today, I just couldn't handle it, man. I could not handle social engagements. How about those kings? Oh, God, I can't do that. I can't do that partly because I'm just not interested. Nobody cares about the sports that I care about.

Like nobody cares how AFC Wimbledon did this weekend in Indianapolis, so it just doesn't work for me. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. We don't want to get to the news from AFC Wimbledon until the last possible moment because it isn't great. What about, what about if you're at a grocery store? This is a thing that happens in Mozilla because it's this type of place.

And they've been somebody comments on the items in your cart. And I'm just like, no, no. Like I'm super into small town living, but I feel like it's a violation of privacy to even look into there and see what I'm going to put into my body. I don't want you to know that.

Totally, totally, yeah. I don't need you to see the three jars of French onion dip, okay? I don't need you to see the three jars of French onion dip, okay? I don't need you to know about that. Right, like you're sometimes I'll be in line at the grocery store and I'll put down like three things of lime testitas and the person behind me will say somebody's having a party and I'll be like first off,

don't judge me. Ha ha ha. It's just, second, nope. It's just for me. Haha. It's... Second. Nope. It's just me. It's just for me, man. No. It's just that I don't want to go back to the grocery store for seven days. I can't.

And every two days I eat a bag of lime tostitos. Yeah, and then on the seventh day I rest. Haha. So it's your gardening field, John. You need something to pump it up for your digging and watering and pulling peas off plants. Is that really all the peas you got? That was all the peas I got.

I mean, actually, I'd done another pea harvest a few days earlier in which I got 13 peas. So it might have been closer to like 18 cents a piece. I'm not totally positive, but it's not a great return on investment. I am enjoying myself, though. I hate let's continue with the gardening theme by answering this question from Paige,

who writes, dear John and Hacker, I understand how ridiculous this sounds, but I feel I have nowhere left to turn. I'm very pro gardening. In concept, it can be relaxing and rewarding, plus you get food out if it not if you're me I even took a beginning gardening class at my college because it counted as a PE credit That's great. I love it. It's brilliant page. Also, you need PE credits at college. What's happening?

I know we live in a different time. There's no columbal on the air Etc My problem is that every time I buy plants to nurture and love, I feel like I'm not gardening as much as watching my new friends die. Oh, no. I live in the middle of Texas, which is consistently in drought and a hundred seven degrees, so I don't completely blame myself for my failure.

But now every time I buy a plant, I get deep anxiety about it, seemingly inevitable death. There's nothing seemingly about its inevitable death page. Should I give up on my dreams? Every new chapter starts with a new page. No! Page, you got to understand that things die. It is the nature of things to die. Your job is to keep them alive as long as possible and hopefully get 11 p's out of them. Also, there's got to be plants that grow in that weather. I mean, there's them. Also, there's got to be plants that grow in that weather. I mean, there's, you first, as long as you got water, because that's what plants need. It's the plant's crave.

You need water in sunlight. There are some plants that are not going to do well in 107 degrees, but there's got to be some that will. And so what you got to go do is go to like central Texas Gardening.com, which I'm not even kidding, is a website. And find out about the kinds of gardening that best is best done in a hundred and seven degrees. You're not going to grow the same things we grow here in Montana, but you're going to have a much longer growing season. So that's good. Yeah, the thing I'd say is that you've got to give yourself permission

not to be an expert at first. Oh, yeah. So don't get bummed out when some of your plants die because you're learning how to grow plants. And in the long run, plants overall are going to be grateful that you've put in that time, even if in the short run, it kills a few plants. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself because I'm a very novice gardener and I've definitely killed some plants already.

I also feel like it's much easier to feel like you're taking credit for a plant dying. Like it's like I did that. Then it is taking credit for them, like flourishing, because it kind of feels like they did that. All I did was like, I just gave them the things that they needed and they made themselves and to delicious tomatoes and artichokes and bulbous onions. So you, you, that's the thing that I find

most magical about gardening is that it's sort of like, I feel like I'm involved, but I'm only sort of this, this, uh, this, like helping hand. And then suddenly this tiny, tiny little speck of nothing has turned into something that I've only ever seen at the grocery store before. It's very weird to watch a carrot happen. Well, I mean, you actually don't watch it, it mostly happens underground, but yeah, I agree with you.

Well, that's part of the magic! Like, suddenly you're like, well, this thing has grown out, and like, the day arrives, and you yank it out, and you're like, there's a freaking carrot under the ground. What was it doing down there? Yeah, no, it is pretty magical. I mean, just watching the tomatoes turn from green to red, I'm like, how does this happen, man? My mind is blown. Speaking of mind blown, Hank, it's time to move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

Would you like to go first today? Yeah, John, it seems like you want to save the news from AFC Wimbledon the last possible moment. So let's talk about this very cool paper that just came out in the journal of Geophysical Research, which John, I know is your favorite journal. Don't, I'm a long time subscriber. Absolutely.

I've got, I, I of course knew that. And do you want to know the very good title of this article? It's a field guide defining fossils on Mars. That is a great title. Like I would read that book. And the great news is John, that the article is available. It's in the creative comments.

So you can read it yourself. It's 29 paid as long and it has a number of very good graphs, figures, pictures. And the idea of it is to say like, okay, so here are the places where it is best and easiest to find fossils on Earth. Here's how the Earth fossil record works. And yes, Mars is a cold, barren wasteland,

as you are want to say, but at some point, it was not. It definitely was warm enough to have liquid water and those that liquid water stood on the surface for a long periods of time. And those of course are the places that people want to look for fossils. And we have to know good places to look when we're going to send these scientific experiments like the Mars 2020 rover to areas on Mars, or they have not yet selected the site where

that rover will be landing. And so, yeah, the paper is looking at various rocks and minerals on Mars that could be the places where ancient life would be preserved, places where it was warmer and wetter for a long periods of time, for I think hundreds of millions of years, and also applying basically recent research into how fossilization happens on Earth and the best places for fossilization on Earth, and thus where we should go to look for fossils on Mars. And that's a legit story that's like basically,

yeah, why not look? And for a long time, I feel like NASA has kind of not wanted to call that their mission because it, you know, I think when we launched Viking, there was this idea that like, we don't know what we're gonna find find, and then we arrived, and it was like, well, this planet is a very, very large desert, a very cold, large desert, and we had a lot of hopes and turns out they were dashed. But I think people are getting more serious about actually looking to see if there is a way

to discover what may have been happening on early wet Mars? Especially now that we know that early Mars was wet Yeah, no, I think it's really cool. I am excited too. That's cool. I love that title Yeah, there are so few good titles and academic journals So it's always a pleasure to come across a field guide defining fossils on. Well, the news from AFC Wimbledon, Hank, do you remember when we did those dance classes and then we would have to go to those ballroom dances when we were in seventh grade? And do you remember how there was a rule that the boys would have to walk up to the girls and say like shall we dance or whatever and then the rule was that the girls had to say yes

You remember all that I do Do you remember how when that happened to me? Like the girls said no, they all organized themselves to say no and it was like devastating and I was like crying a lot I don't I didn't remember that That's very bad. I'm sorry. I did not know about that. Everyone always said yes to me because that was the rule. Well Hank, AFC Wimbledon walked up to Dean Parrot and said, shall we dance? No, I'll for him a new contract.

And he said no. Oh no. He said no. Dean Parrot arguably one of Wimbledon's best players said no. And instead signed for Gillingham or Gillingham, I could never remember if it's a softer hard G. Oh, it's a big event. I know.

It's in the same league. They're in league one. It's not like they're up a level. No. I'm sure that they're probably offering a little more money. I am a little disappointed, though. I can't pretend not to be disappointed. Meanwhile, Jimmy Abdu, the French player who spent the season at Wimbledon, who also

would have been very useful next season in League One, has also decided to move on to a club in the fourth tier in his native France. So that means the bjgibu hank, I don't even know if Wimbledon, we don't have a lot of players is what it comes down to. We're going to have to do a tremendous amount of recruitment. To play, to play a game of soccer. How many do you need? I am astonished that you do not know the answer to that, but I'm gonna guess 13. 11. But with the two subs. See that one. Oh, you have more than two subs. With the two subs that you generally use.

You get three subs in a game, but you I think you can put either five or seven people on your bench. So you need 18 to really minimum, but you need more than that because there will be injuries and stuff. So it's not great. The situation that Wimbledon are in is not great. Like we lost a bunch of our best players last season, but this season it looks like we're going to lose Wild Taylor. We've just lost Dean Parrared and Jimmy Abdo, it looks like we're going to lose a big part of the kind of spine of the club and then we've released four players, including George Frankham and Barry Fuller, who are really important last season.

So I don't know, man, I am definitely, I am nervous. I tweeted today on my sports Twitter, which is now my only Twitter, which I can't recommend highly enough. I tweeted today, is it too soon to be hashtag concerned because I feel hashtag concerned? Well, what if, like what does they've seen what would they need?

Do they need money? Is that the problem? I probably, well, it would be great to have more money, but the issue is that when you're a small-ish club in terms of budget, it's really hard to sign players to multi-year contracts. And that means that they can leave on a free at the end of each season. So it's just really hard. And of course, it was a tough season.

I mean, if you're a player, that's a hard, hard season to go through, to barely stay up, to feel the nerves of the crowd every Saturday for the last 30 or so Saturdays that you're playing, it's hard. So, oh yeah, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know what to do about your situation, John. But they look like all very handsome men. I'm looking at the roster right now. Yeah, we've got some lookers. I mean, in the League one hot table, some people say that we're a playoff team. I was just looking at it. Picture of one of your players and thinking, that man looks quite old to be a soccer player, but he has two years younger than me.

And then this one looks like he's maybe 16. Yeah, there's some actual children. And it looks like some of them may be playing next year. Oh, well, maybe they've got a lot of move up to do. We'll see. Hang what did we learn this week? Oh, well, we learned that you can be an actual child and be a professional football player. We also learned that if your grandma is goth, lean into it.

I forgot that we learned that. We learned that there are battery-powered toasters available at Alibaba and also sometimes Amazon. Dan also we learned that if you run into Indy500 winner and Chevy driver will power. Just be cool. Just be cool, just be cool, John. Hey, what was your phrase of the week?

You're gonna have to tell me what you think my phrase of the week was. That was a bad toe problems. No, that's good. I'm glad that I threw that in there because it certainly seems like it was miniature hippos, which happened very early on. Oh, and who donated it?

It was from Johannes. Thank you, Johannes, for donating to the project for awesome. And John was yours. I don't have any idea. Disappearing pants. No, it was actually I must dance, but I misremembered it as shall we dance. So my bad. It was donated by the Pineapples of Solidarity and their fighter group. I see. Well, I do like a good introductory story, John,

and I'm glad that the phrase of the week is giving you an opportunity to do those. But I should be more on the lookout for them. You should be, you should be. But anyway, I'm sorry I messed up your phrase of the week, Pineapples of Solidarity. I think we also have a project for awesome message. Someone donated to the project for awesome to get us to read this message on the pod.

It's from Matt and Kate of Southeast Michigan to their son, Maxwell, and it's called a short poem on a fourth birthday. Maxwell, my light, bright, body-spray, curious eyes, mind open wide, heart and soul kind. Maxwell, my son, my light, when the time is right, you'll fly. It has been an absolute joy watching you grow, learn and explore. We are immeasurably proud and cannot wait to see how you contribute to the world. We love you dearly, mom and dad. G's mat and Kate, that is so nice. Yeah, that is so nice.

And happy birthday, Maxwell. John, thanks for podcasting with me. People out there, thank you for listening, and if you want to send us questions, you can do that at hankandjohnatgmail.com. That is our email address, and we appreciate everybody who sends in questions, because how else would we do a podcast?

You can also reach us on Twitter, I'm Hank Green, and John is sports with John now, apparently. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Halls-Rohassen, Sheridan Gibson, our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonjorno, who also runs our Patreon, which if you go and donate there, it will help out SciShow and Crash Course,

and you'll get our weekly bad podcast this weekend Ryan's, which we're about to go record right now. Thank you everyone for listening and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. you