Dear Hank & John - 147: Celebrities on a Plane

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Should I tell my boyfriend he has a fandom? What do you do in a non-reciprocal high five situation? Why are football scarves so short? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn Thanks to Brilliant for sponsoring this episode! Head to brilliant.org/dearhank or brilliant.org/dearjohn and sign up for free. The first 200 people who go to those links will get 20% off their annual Premium subscription.

Hello and a welcome to Dear Hank and John. Gores up for the thing of the Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast in which two brothers answer you dubious questions. Nope, answer your question, give you a dubious surprise and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, what is the elephant in the room? I just want to say for the record that we will be answering some dubious questions in this episode.

Yeah, no, we usually do. We usually do sometimes, sometimes I'm like, I don't know that this question is asking from the perspective of a real situation or one that was just made up, but either way I'm gonna do it because it's a good question. All right, what's the elephant in the room, John?

Three, two, one, Walt Disney's signature. The's the elephant room, John? 3, 2, 1, Walt Disney Signature. Wait, what? Walt Disney Signature? Hank just made a video about Walt Disney Signature that is much better than it has any right to be. It is a really fascinating video and actually Hank, this is as close as we've ever come to having the same elephant in the room because I felt like that was the newer version of the Anthropocene review. It was a little bit of an episode of the Anthropocene review in five minutes with lots of graphics.

I had a really good time doing it, but have not stopped being obsessed with it. I did not get to the bottom of it, and I have been, since the videos come out, some people have given me more information, and I have started to be really interested in talking to some people who are in there, mid to late 80s, because I need to talk to them now

before all the good information they have is gone. Hank is going to get to the bottom of how the D in the Walt Disney logo came to be if it is the last thing he ever does, and it may be, it may well be the last thing he ever does. Just working it. I'm working hard. Um, so I picked and your elephant in the room is your own podcast. I mean, why not, John? Why not?

Well, yours is your own most recent video. So I'm not going to apologize. There is a new episode of the Anthropocene review that just came out. Uh, we're taking a break after this episode. So go listen to this one now, because there won't be a new one for a while. The most recent one is about a 17,000-year-old cave painting of hand stencil and the Taco Bell breakfast menu.

Did you have a good VidCon, John? I did. I had a very nice VidCon. I really enjoyed myself. It was really lovely. I thought in many ways it was the best VidCon ever, and I'm hugely grateful to the team who put it on and worked so hard to make sure that it was a safe fun event. You know, it occurs to me that we sure did make this whole intro with in mind the fact that now is now,

and in fact, this episode may come out in months. Well, but the new episode of the Anthropocene Reviewed will be the new episode of the Anthropocene Reviewed for like a couple months. Okay, we don't know when this one's going to come out because we recorded to this week because I assume we're going to be busy doing something and somebody decided to schedule us for two hot-dust. I'm going on vacation. This first question comes from Kelly who writes, dear John and Hank, have either of you ever gone for a high five where the person you tried to high five didn't reciprocate or didn't realize what was happening and left you hanging?

I always have so much anxiety about this to the point where I don't even go for high fives anymore since the stakes and my hands are often too high. That's great. Good. Very well written Kelly. Do you have any advice on what to do with my hands if I find myself in a non-recipical high five

humiliation situation, or am I doomed to remain hanging? High fives, Kelly. This happened to me at VidCon at least one time. And what I did was I went too high, just as Kelly said. And people were confused by what I was doing. And they were like, that looks like not the thing you should do. Are you raising your hand? Would you like to be called upon? Yeah. And then I was like, no, high five me. And so I like, which was not the most elegant solution to be like,

is anybody gonna do the thing? Because I'm sitting here and I can't, it is. It's opening yourself up to a certain amount of vulnerability and when you're in that situation saying, like, high five me dang it, is I think okay. And I think that that's showing like a certain amount of confidence. No, because what if somebody doesn't like applying their palm microbes to your palm microbes? I don't want to put anybody under pressure to exchange palm microbes.

Well, I mean, any initiation of a high five is putting people into that pressure. anybody under pressure to exchange Paul and I grew up with. You can be known that they hand everybody in a tank. Any initiation of a high five is putting people into that pressure. What you just said is no one will ever high five again. I'm not saying no one should ever high five again. I'm just saying the hands are overwhelmingly the filthiest part of the body. You could, I'm up here for a high five and then you go elbows. And I'm like, yeah, elbows, any recognition. Or the fist bump that Howie Mandel does.

I'm a big fan of the Howie Mandel fist bump. I actually have a solution to this problem, Hank. I saw it happen live in an NBA game and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. You know how after a free throw, a lot of times like the players high five regardless of whether they make the free throw just as a way of kind of, you know, just ritualizing the process in an attempt to make free throws work better. No, I know. But okay, well that's a thing.

There's a lot of high fiveing after free throws. That's all you need to know for this. This one time I saw a player like went for a high five just as all the other players like turned around and was left just holding his hand up and what he did I thought this was brilliant was he brought his other hand up and high five to himself and then you put both his hands down and he just he was like I got you It's a wonderful example of self-care, and it's a wonderful example of like positive self-talk. Like, they don't want to high-five you. Well, I know somebody who does, buddy, it's yourself. Yeah, I mean, I had a similar thought,

which is like, you're up there, you're hanging. Just fist pump. Yeah, I'm not that also worked, just be like, woohoo! Dush! Ha-ha-ha-ha! This next question comes from Francisco, who asks, a dear Hank and John, It also works, just be like, woohoo! Dush! Ha ha ha ha ha! This next question comes from Francisco, who asks,

the dear Hank and John, my wife and I recently moved to a new state for work opportunities. I have made a good impression on my boss and have been interested to house it while he and his family go to Australia for two weeks. I assume for VidCon Australia. We're two, we're five days in and my wife has locked us out.

The neighbor who supposedly had a spare key informed us that they never received a key. Help! Love the podcast, sincerely sad Francisco. Well, you've been, I've assumed that you've been sleeping out on the rocks in the front yard because I think that they have zero escaping, not a lawn because these people are very respectful

of the water situation wherever you live. And you can sleep in on the rocks waiting for this podcast to come out, which I appreciate greatly. I don't know if I've ever told you this beforehand, but this happened to a friend of mine, but it happened immediately after their three-year-old son closed the door.

Oh, God. And so they went to open the door and they realized that the door had locked behind the kid. And then for like five minutes, they watched the kid just like, you know, we've incomplete freedom. And so like the kid walked to the refrigerator and like opened the refrigerator door and like rummaged around, didn't close it.

At the whole time, they were like, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, open the door, open the door, turn the knob, turn the knob. And like the kid couldn't, but then of course, like the kid freaked out. You know, like, it's like fine for five minutes and then it's a complete freak out situation. And in the end, they had to take off their shirt, wrap it around their fist and punch a hole in their glass door in order to get back inside, because they couldn't bear to wait for a locksmith.

So the situation isn't that bad, hopefully. Yeah. Ideally, you just call a locksmith, and you're like, listen, I don't own this home, but the owners are in Australia, and trust me, it's cool. Yeah. Yeah, you're not, I swear, you're not breaking into this very nice house just for me. I swear I promise I promise I've been in a similar situation where I was asked to cat sit and And and needed to break into a house because the the place they had not left the key where they said they were going to leave the key

And there wasn't a key and luckily one of the windows was open and I just cut through the screen and And luckily one of the windows was open and I just cut through the screen and snuck in that way. But if there's no way in, you gotta either lock and if you gotta break a window, man. Yeah, it's unfortunate, but I don't see another solution unless... Have you tried the chimney? Don't try the chimney.

Good God almighty. What a terrible idea. I mean, this is the thing. Houses are built to not get broken into. Like, it's the whole point. Right. Not the whole point. There's also you keep the rain off and stuff.

But in general, people like to make their houses difficult to enter if you would not like other people to enter them. This next question comes from Jess who asks, Do your John and Hank, when I was in college, an upper classman showed me a Tumblr blog. She ran about a mutual friend. Let's call him Ian. In it, she and some of her friends basically talked about Ian like he was a fandom, they

would write posts on why Ian is awesome, discuss which girls they shipped him with, etc. Oh wow. It was a little odd, but overall the blog was mostly harmless. However, about a year after learning about this blog, I started dating E. Actually, we've been together for several years now. The problem is, I've never told E.n. about this Tumblr. Should I? On one hand, there hasn't been a post on it in years, and either E.n. or I have kept in contact with the girls who ran this blog. On the other hand, I'm not sure how E.n. would respond to learning that such a thing exists and that I've been keeping it from him for so long. Marriage feels like it might be in the cards for us.

So should I just keep the secret from him for the rest of our lives? And if I did tell him, how would I even bring it up? Any dubious advice would be appreciated. Infinite Jess. Oh, nicely done. Infinite Jess. Okay, John, I have a very specific set of feelings about this. This blog was not about Ian.

Correct. This blog was about the idea of Ian. It was about like, you create mythologies around people when you're in social spaces. I did this in high school all the time where there were people who like I saw peripherally and saw from a distance and like my friends and I would make up like whole stories

about their lives that weren't true. When we knew they weren't true, this vlog is not about Ian. You know who Ian is, they did not know who Ian is. You do not have to tell Ian about this, but, but 10 years into your marriage, that's when you tell Ian. No, I have a 10 year anniversary present for you.

There's something I've been hiding for the last 20 years. Yeah. 15 years. I also had something like this in high school. There was this kid who went to our high school and everybody really loved him. He was a great guy. And people made stickers.

Remember that Andre the Giant has a posse sticker that was popular in the early 90s. We made stickers of this guy and then we put them all over the world actually. Oh man. Even look at how man, I want it to be like to be, well, I guess you know now, because people do post, put your stickers in places.

Do they? Yeah, there's a bunch of pizza-john stickers in the pizza restaurant by my office. I guess there are pizza-john stickers out there. And the answer to what is it like is, it's pretty weird. But I also, but what would it be like to be a high school student

and have people like you that much? Well, I think the big difference was that I still think I get like 50 cents for every pizza-john sticker that gets sold. Whereas I don't think this kid ever made a dollar. And I highly doubt that Ian was paid for his likeness on this tumbler. My feeling about it is that it's fine to keep it a secret

because it's not about Ian, but it's also fine to tell him. I don't think that he'll be like shocked or freaked out. I think he'll be like, oh, that's weird and not about me. Right. It would be, it probably is the sort of thing to have come up rather than something to bring up. Because if you bring it up, it sounds like it's a big deal

and I don't think it is. Yeah, I agree. I don't think it's a big deal. It would be a big deal if it were like some bullying burn book thing, but it's not. Yeah, yeah. It was like Ian is awesome and we have made up a whole mythology around Ian and all the great things that Ian is. And then it turns out that

Ian is awesome. So no worries. Right, but also normal. Also a normal guy. We don't know that for sure. At no point in Jess's letter does she say that Ian is not an amazing, amazing person who deserves to have many tumblers written about him. All right, Jess, I'm gonna hold you accountable now and say we should find out more about Ian. I don't need to know everything. I do need to know everything, Jess. I want you to write me a book length introduction to Ian. Okay. It's official. John asks for asked for that.

No, actually, I'm gonna take that back. I don't want more than 200 words, but I want it to be extremely comprehensive. No. Ah, that sounds more like it. This next question comes from Paula who asks, dear Hank and John, I just started a job, a new adulty job right out of college, on the fifth floor of an office building.

I love it, but there's a problem. The elevator in the office building is X, I'm really slow. Because of this, I have to stand awkwardly next to people. I don't know for minutes. Mmm. That is a slow elevator. What makes it worse is that there is no elevator music,

so we stand there in silence. Is there something I should do to make the elevator ride less awkward? Should I make small talk with the office mates, even though I never see them outside of the elevator? Help me? I- if I could, I'd climb up the walla, Paula. Very good, Paula. Well, I mean, you could climb up the stairs, huh?

Yeah, that was going to be my suggestion, as well. Have you considered the stairs, huh? Because the great thing about the stairsa is that you get a fair amount of exercise, and you don't have to encounter strangers. Or if you do encounter them, it's in a weird situation where you're sort of out of breath, so you're not expected to speak. Right. This is like a legitimate thing that I want to point out. As someone who climbs stairs every day at the office or at my house, I'm like,

stairs are no big deal. And then when I hit like the third flight, if I'm in a hotel or in the convention center or something, I'm like, okay, that's not nothing. Like I have some doing this still. So five floors is a lot. Like I'm not saying you should be able to turn, but a month into this, it won't be a big deal. And it would be faster than this slow as everything elevator.

The only other alternative, I think, is to on your cell phone, play Kesha's woman every time you get into the elevator. Oh, or any song, really, because then you're just, then you get known at the office as the person who plays elevator music for us. But it's always the same song.

But I think it should be the same song every day. Hank, let's throw out some songs that would be good songs for Paula to play every single day on her five-minute elevator ride in the morning. Marguerite of El. Really solid. I'm a believer by the monkeys. Sweet home Alabama.

Very specific. And I don't know where the office building is. I mean, it's much better if it's in Maine than if it's in Alabama. Yeah, I Mo money mo problems by notorious B.I.G. Living on a prayer by Bon Jovi Very good. That might be the fact we might be done now It's living on a prayer by Bon Jovi. Paul, every single day walk into that elevator and then just the booming noise of Bon Jovi. It's because you are. You're halfway there. You're on your way up.

It probably by the time you get to that part of the song you're halfway there right Exactly. I the best part about living on a prayer is that it like begins with that like thumping drumbeat Yeah, that's like the moment the elevator closes. It's just like All right, I'm just gonna play it for you actually. It's coming hold on hold on wait for it Was I have a yeah. Right is the door closes. And everybody is like, uh, well, okay, well I guess we're doing this now. Day 672 have taken the elevator with Paula. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that song? Do you know what a double dactyl is? I don't know what a double dactyl is.

Is it a kind of dinosaur? It's a rhyme scheme. Oh. It's a rhyme scheme that tends to be used at Justin Poetry, but living on the prayer actually has uses double dactyls. Do you know that living on a prayer was on that Bon Jovi album, Slipery When Wet, which was the first cassette tape I ever owned?

It was my third favorite song on Slippery When Wet. Behind my favorite song when I was nine years old, wanted dead or alive. Oh man, my second favorite song. You know nine-year-olds, you give love a bad name. Oh, that song was great. I love that song. I did not understand the theme of, in third grade, when I first listened to that album. I imagine you also did not understand the theme of slippery win-wet. No, I mean, in fact, I did not understand it until just now when you said it. I apologize.

I want to go back in time to when I thought it was a reference to recently washed floors. No, it's just that's because he gets so sweaty on stage. Next question. Great. Moving on. I mean, it was so good until it all went bad. Oh, dear John and Hank. This question is from Hannah.

Dear John and Hank, as I was strolling around the streets of San Francisco, I realized something that puzzled me. When you press that little button that says something along the lines of press to walk, it doesn't seem to hurry up the process of changing the green light to red for pedestrians. Then I thought that maybe the number of people that press the button tells the machines if they can change the light, but even if no one presses the button, it still changes. What is the point of this button? Do be as answers are appreciated. Hannah. Sure, like, here's just a straight up. We had a bunch of fun just now, so we're going

to have straight up answers. They do different things in different places. In some places, it's purely psychological. It's like, if there's not a button, people are like, when is the like it? It changed for me, and so they just put a button there, and it doesn't do anything. Like the closed door button in almost every elevator. Except in Europe, where I found out

that you actually oftentimes have to push the closed door button, which was a very huge surprise for me. And I was sitting there in the elevator being like, why am I not going anywhere? Anyway, there are also some buttons that are there for, like, vision impaired people. So you push the button and it will tell you, it will give you updates in the situation

until you to wait or to walk. Right. There are also buttons that actually do have an impact. And those are at intersections where the light doesn't change unless a car pulls up or unless somebody pushes the button. And in that case, oftentimes the button push will give you a longer light cycle,

a longer green for the cars going through the light and also you get that walk time, where you, instead, if you didn't push the button, you'd have a very quick green for just the cars that would not be quick enough for pedestrians. So in short, it's just like life. Sometimes you press a button and it matters and other times you press a button

and it doesn't matter and you press the button the same way regardless and you never know. You just do what the penopticon is telling you to do. Okay. Hank, did you know that Slippery when we at the Bon Jovi album, I'm sorry to return to it, but I'm not done yet. So 3.4 million digital copies,

like once digital music became a thing, enough people still love Slippery when we at to buy 3.4 million digital copies of it. I mean, Anna, I assume that people had already purchased a tape and possibly a record and possibly a CD. And then this is like the fourth time they're buying slippery and wet. Yeah.

It's so good that we have moved past this era. We don't have to do this anymore. We just pay our $10 a month for Google Play Music or whatever YouTube music. I mean, it's good for us. I don't know that it's good for John Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora, the part-working members of Bonjowy. John actually did you know that Richie Samboira, I have terrible news for you, it's not a member of John Bunjowy's band anymore.

Shut the front door, are you serious? It happened. It happened sometime. Creative differences, I'm sure. Oh my god, he left the band in 2013. How am I just hearing this breaking news? Well, I also didn't, I just found out myself. I have to admit. I have to admit. I have to admit. Hank, we have another question.

This one comes from Troy. And by the way, if we sound different, that's because it's a week and a half later. John's memory card got corrupted, so we had half a podcast. And now we are cutting in the second half of the podcast. It's true that my memory card got corrupted, so we had half a podcast, and now we are cutting in the second half the podcast. It's true that my memory card got corrupted, but just for the record, it is not because I ate the memory card, which is what happened last time my memory card got corrupted. So in a way, this is progress.

This was just an old-fashioned technological failure, not me trying to eat a pretzel chip that turned out to be a memory card. This next question comes from Troy who writes, Hello! That's how the email begins. I work as a bookkeeper for a very well-off small business and have been for the past two years. I thought my wage was pretty decent given that I don't work many hours, but recently the owner has gotten me to add his wife to the payroll, and her pay is much higher than mine. I asked what exactly she was doing as I have never seen her around the office,

and he said that she was going to take over some of the audit work he does, which is very little, and not worth the pay that she's getting. Oh, Troy, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with taxes. Basically, is it right for me to negotiate a higher wage and use another employee's rate of pay as an argument to increase mine since I do the payroll and know everyone else makes, or is it wrong since that kind of information is supposed to be confidential. I haven't fallen yet, Troy. Oh good, good, name specific sign off. Yeah, John is right.

This is all about tax loopholes, and it is a little bit, a little bit. I don't know how above-boarded all is. It's very common. It's very common for businesses that are owned by one person or by a couple to put both people in the couple on the payroll as a way of shifting their customers. There's a bunch of advantages. There's a bunch of advantages and also you can put more into your retirement accounts

and all this stuff. But yeah, it is a very, very common thing to do. I would argue though that it doesn't have anything to do with the value of your work Troy. And I don't think in general it's a good idea to use information that should be confidential to negotiate your salary. That said, if you do think that you deserve a higher salary, you should go and negotiate it.

I think that's, I'm all for that. I think people should do that more often. I think if you add a lot of value to the company that you work for Mm-hmm go in and make the case Yeah, and the worst thing that can happen is that the they'll be like oh in the the situation we're in right now We really don't want to do that where you know and then maybe you'll know a little bit more about how the company works and and hopefully you'll know a little bit more about how the company works. Hopefully, everybody realizes that that's not an antagonistic experience. It is a, you know, it's part of how businesses have to work.

Exactly. This next question comes from Nicole who asks, dear Hank and John, it's currently the day before my birthday and I had walked into work to see gifts from my coworkers sitting on my desks. You have multiple desks, that's amazing. I politely thanked them, talked about my plans for my birthday, and then just went to work. I'm really happy they gave me something, but I have found myself in a dilemma. Should I open their gifts right away, or should people wait until they are in private

to open gifts? I used to think it was disrespectful to open birthday gifts in front of people, but I don't want my coworkers to think I don't appreciate them. Please help, as I sit awkwardly next to a small pile of birthday gifts, just short of a dime, Nicole. Oh, that's good. This is like, Nicole.

Oh, man. Like, Nicole. I mean, the quality of the name specific sign-offs on this podcast have never been higher. Also, the quality of your workplace, like I feel like, is this a prank? Like, have I ever been in a workplace where someone had a birthday and they received a small pile of gifts? Yeah, me neither. We're like, hey, maybe you'll get a cake, maybe there will be a balloon, maybe some will bring in cookies.

When I worked at bookways. That's because we all want cookies. When I worked at Bookways, the rule was that on your birthday, you had to bring in your own damn cake. Really? Yeah. Because otherwise, you got to remember when everybody's birthday is.

So you get just as much cake, but it's the responsibility of the birthday owner to bring in the cake. I thought it was a great solution. Anyway, you are not under any responsibility whatsoever to open up these presents during work hours. As a business owner, I feel very strongly about that. You open them up afterwards and then you send notes. You send thank you notes so that people know that you appreciated the gifts. I mean, it would be a very, and I don't know where we are right now. I don't know, I'm completely in left field.

I don't understand your workplace. I don't understand this, like, we have a very supportive, tight network place, but this would never happen. And I can't imagine any situation that's not like a baby shower, where an adult is surrounded by people as they open gifts. It's just like, it's super awkward.

Surrounded by, like that in a baby shower, it's like your closest friends at work. It's like, this is, it's like, okay, everybody stand around while I find out what kind of bubblehead or action figure I was given by Tony over and accounting. I don't know, what is, what do you get? What do you get from co-workers here's a but here's a can of La Croix I don't understand. I got you a digital download

of slippery one wet. Good call back John to a week and a half ago. Thank you. We should mention by the way Hank that it's been a fascinating weekend to have since we last recorded this podcast. Surely has has with the biggest news by far uh... aside from the amazing moving tear jerking rescue the wild boars soccer team in tailand which is just beautiful and the best of humanity and reminded me actually of your book hank uh... because your book also explores the way that

how how great humanity can be at its best. Aside from that, the big news, of course, this week is that I am now a character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as a result of the appearance of my book, The Fault in Our Stars in Ant-Man and The Wasp, which I can only assume was a subtle and very generous apology for the fact that the first Ant-Man movie absolutely destroyed paper towns in the box office when they came out the same weekend.

I mean, it is, it is, uh, it is Ant-Man. But, John, you made Ant-Man cry. Yes, the eighth largest franchise in all of Marvel. I mean, the eighth largest franchise in all of Marvel is still like, it's like the tenth largest franchise in all of everything. That's true. That's a good point. And I should add that I'm very grateful to have become a character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe rather than in the DC Universe, which is right now my very least favorite universe. I mean, oh man. The things that are happening in the DC character universe from Michael Cohen on down, it continued to be fascinating, but not in a way that I wanna be part of.

I think that we are in a transitionary moment where we do not know what to do with the tools that we have, but eventually when we figure it out, things will be okay, right John? I mean, Silver was very bad short-term news for the world in the 17th century and I'm I mean I guess it got better today's podcast is brought to you by Twitter Twitter. I guess it will get better It's podcast is also brought to you by the book of Ian the book of Ian

It's a book about everything to do with Ian. Don't share it with Ian, please. And of course today's podcast is also brought to you by the cell five. The cell five, why high five someone else when you have your own microbiome to high five yourself with? And also this podcast is brought to you by Slippery Wind Wet. John hadn't thought about that one very hard, and now he has.

Oh, I just want to go back, I just want to go back in time to a more innocent age. John, we have another question. It's from Mindy who asks, dear Hank and John, I need your help. I am so confused about football scarves. Why are the scarves so short? I feel like you know the answer to this question. You must know the answer to this question, John.

I would like to support our new Minnesota United team, Go Loons! That's adorable. And the marketing suggests that I should get a scarf. But when I look at football scarves, they seem really short. As a knitter and a person who lives in a cold place, I believe that a scarf should be nearly as long as the wearer is tall, which allows for adequate coverage of the face and neck and head. Football scarves aren't anywhere close to this. Why? Nanunanu Mindy. So Mindy, great reference to a sitcom that nobody listening to this has ever seen.

Hey, before you did the issue of soccer scarves, Nanunanu reminded me of all comedians, which reminded me that last weekend I saw Yakaov Smirnoff in live in concert in Branson, Missouri at the Yakaov Smirnoff theater in Branson. Wait, there's a Yakaov Smirnoff theater? Correct. Does he have like a standing engagement? He did for many years. He had a standing engagement there for like 25 years. So those of you unfamiliar with Yakaacht of Smyrnaf, he is a Russian-American comedian

who came to the United States. And I think 1977 from the Soviet Union speaking, no English whatsoever, and built a small empire around being this like Soviet dissident comedian. And his catchphrase was America, what a country. And he's very funny. And I have to say, today, Yacht-Obsomirnaf is 67 years old.

He's playing in Branson. I would say the median age for the Yacht-Obsomirnaf show was 74. We were definitely the youngest people in the room. And it was great. He did a great job. He still has it. He told a lot of the old jokes. He told a great job. He still has it. He told a lot of the old jokes.

He told a lot of the new jokes. And I really enjoyed myself. I was a little dubious going in, but I enjoyed myself so much and it made me think so hard that there may be a Yakov Smirnoff review in the Anthropocene review at some point. That's how much I liked it.

And that's how interesting I found it. Anyway, to get back to your question, Mindy, if you- That was it? That was the whole thing. That's it. I just wanted to tell you that. Hank, a lot has happened in the last week and a half.

And I want to bring you up to date. I like that a lot, and I would like to interview Yacoff's Miranoff and be like, what's it been like to do the thing you did? Because I want to know how to transition. You got to have so many transitions in a career as a person who is in the public eye. And I need to know how to do that. Because I feel as if I have experienced some already and they come with difficulties.

Yeah, and I are deeply, deeply interested on how people deal with being on what I call the other side of the mountain. Like when you're on your way down the other side of the mountain, how do you make it fun and meaningful? One of the ways that I make it fun and meaningful, Hank just to give you a piece of advice is I remind myself that There were lots of things that I did not like about the previous side of the mountain It's true. It's true anyway to get back to your question Mindy, which was about football scarves The reason is that most football teams do not play in Minnesota. And most people do not need scarves that are as long as the person is tall. So I think there's two reasons for this.

One is that, you know, in England and France and other places where football started in the early 20th century, shorter scarves made sense because they were cheaper to make, they required less stuff, and they were adequate for the covering of the neck. And then the second reason is that the football scarf is partially intended as a thing

that you hold up above your head, and it needs to be the approximate width of your arms when they are held above your head in a Y, like you're doing the beginning of the YMCA in the Village People song. and so that is the proper length for a football scarf and I know that it's great in Minnesota but you've got to remember most of us aren't in Minnesota so when you're when you're out of football game and you have your football scarf are you wearing your football scarf like a scarf or is it just like sitting on your lap getting ready for you to shake it oh Oh, I think if it's cold, you're definitely wearing it as a scarf. And then if you're not wearing it.

Is it just like draped over, like is it just draped or is it wrapped? I drape it unless it's properly cold. And then I wrap it. Okay. So here's the situation, Yendi. You need two scarves. You need a regular normal scarf

of which you appear to probably have plenty because you're a knitter and also you live in Minnesota. And then a route, like you've got your scarf on, and then you have your football scarf that just drapes across. It's like wearing a pin that says, like, I like the loons, but it's a scarf. And it's like, it's there to let people know.

And it is a purely decorative scarf. It appears. That's exact, I think that's a good way to think about it, Hank. I just double scarf the situation. Nobody in Minnesota ever regretted having a second scarf in winter. Absolutely. Yes. Have two scarves. You're not going to complain about having another piece of fabric. But John, business idea, really long scarves for the Minnesota United team. It's like you and I. We're gonna make dozens of dollars.

It's not the worst business idea you've had in the last week and a half. But it's actually, I was gonna say, but it's also not the best, but actually it is the best. All right, Hank, this next question comes from Tristan, who writes, dear John and Hank, but mostly Hank, I discovered Brotherhood 2.0

through EcoGeek, a very long time ago. Oh, bye. Wow, a very long time ago. Oh, bye. Wow, a very long time ago back in 2007. Thank you for sticking with us all this time, Tristan. Every now and then I check in on EcoGeek to see if it has been updated. The last two updates are both in January of 2017 and 2018, respectively. After the name change to Complexly for your company, I figured EcoGeek would fully die, but what is it with this weird zombie state for something that you used to care so much about?

P and P. Tristan Parties and peppers Pumpkins and penguins pride and prejudice It's what I what I always think what somebody wants P and P Yeah, I mean there Yeah, I mean, when I transitioned out from being somebody who was working day to day on Igo Geek, because the videos had taken over so much, that was in part because I had so much stuff to do.

It was also in part because I wasn't as enthusiastic about that project anymore because blogging was changing and there was a lot of consolidation going on and people, and it was sort of like I would either have to like make Ikegeek a blog on a bigger network or I was going to have to not do it anymore. And also, like I was kind of the way to get people to click on articles felt it was just too much clickbait for me to make it feel valuable. So there were things I actually didn't like about it. So I kind of gave it over to some of the other writers

and I was like, keep this up if and when you want to. And it is still really remarkable to see it there and also the design of Yuku Kik remarkable to see it there and also the design of Yikou Geek hasn't 10 years later, looks not super stale. Yeah, but I think that's mostly because the internet has come all the way back around. How bell bottoms are back. For a while, it did look stale, but now we're back to white, mostly empty pages and I'm like, Yikougeek looks pretty good these days.

Oh man. Well, I, yeah, and I think that's largely the situation. And also in general, like you got it, like there are parts of life that will come and go. And it still exists though because of part of me as always like we should be doing something with this. There should be an E.Cogic YouTube channel or something because I still do, obviously I care a lot about the topic still.

Yeah, my feeling has always been that some things on the internet and some ways and other things and other ways and it's like life Sometimes it goes out with a bang and sometimes with a whimper and I don't mind things continuing to be there and To live in small ways. I know I understand the urge to want closure or to want an ending for things But I guess one of the things I like about the internet is that things often don't end in that straightforward way. That feels more true to me. Yeah.

Yeah. Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I want to ask you one last question. It's from Megan. It's a big one. It's complicated. It's hard to get into, but it's also a beautiful question. Dear John and Hank, who is Mr. Rogers? Megan. Oh, Megan?

Oh no, I know. Well, but if you're a young person, you might not know who Mr. Rogers is, except insofar as all the kindnesses that your parents have ever shown you come directly from Mr. Rogers. That we have a little book that sits on our downstairs toilet.

It's just a bunch of Mr. Rogers quotes and, and if you should get that book and just have it on your toilet because it's way better than looking at Twitter while you're going to the bathroom. There's also a great Mr. Rogers documentary. Uh, let's just come out. That's really, really powerful and moving and kind of a balm in these times. Mr. Rogers was at children's television host on public television who also was a source of kindness in the world.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, just a really thoughtful empathetic person. A, you know, I don't know how, I don't know how he happened, but it's marvelous that he did, because I know, even how he happened, but it's marvelous that he did, because even now we are starting to watch Mr. Rogers with Orin, though of course he doesn't get what's happening most of the time. But like, Katherine and I are like, this is great. Thank you, Mr. Rogers.

I feel better about stuff. And also, that was some good advice. And I'm like, this is for children, but I need this right now. Not like I need it to bomb my soul. Like, I need this advice. And I'm like, this is for children, but I am really, I need this right now. Not like I need it like to bomb my soul, like I need this advice. Right. No, I completely agree. I mean, Mr. Rogers remains extremely relevant. I do think that in our secular world, one of the things that we need that we are struggling to find or haven't quite found yet is a version of St.hood and obviously saints are not perfect people and Mr. Rogers was not a perfect person, but if you're gonna have a saint, I think you could do worse.

Yeah, I mean, it's really, it is nice to have people that you can definitely look up to. Can I tell you a Mr. Rogers story, Hank? Yeah, yeah. Mr. Rogers story, Hank? Yeah, yeah. Mr. Rogers worked in Pittsburgh and is it about the car that got stolen? It is. You told that story on the podcast before.

Okay. Can I tell you a Mr. Rogers story, Hank? Yeah. This is a different one. So Mr. Rogers worked and lived in Pittsburgh. That's where they made the show. And the Faulkner stories movie and lived in Pittsburgh. That's where they made the show. And the Fault in Our Stars movie was filmed in Pittsburgh. And Mr. Rogers, Mr. McPhilly from the show. Remember Mr. McPhilly, the male guy?

Of course. Mr. McPhilly happened to find out that we were filming the Fault in Our Stars. And I don't know if it was him or his nephew's and nieces or kids or grand or what somebody was a fan of the Fault in Our Stars and Mr. McFeeley came to the Fault in Our Stars set and was so Kind and lovely and wonderful to us and gave us all this Mr. Rogers Stuff for our kids and Daniel Tiger, which is the show that Mr. Rogers Studios makes now.

And we have, like being able to take that stuff home to my kids was such a wonderful memory. And I am, it was just a wonderful little tiny thing. Sometimes people can do little tiny things that make a big impact on your life. So thank you to Mr. McFeely and thank you to mr. Rogers and now Hank now it is time For the news from Mars and I have see Wimbledon. I can't believe you met mr. McFeely. Oh, he was so nice, too man

That's Is that like very jealous? Is that like the coolest celebrity encounter I've ever had I? mean Honestly, maybe no no for me it was meeting Dwayne the Rock Johnson. You met Dwayne the Rock Johnson? He handed me an MTV movie award, not to brag. That's not really a meeting. I mean, I looked at it, I saw his bicep up real close.

My eyes were maybe four to five inches away from his bicep. Did you? Did you? Is he tall guy? I don't know if he's a tall guy or I was just hunched over real bad because I was nervous. Could have been, could have been either. Well, let's look. I guess he's pretty tall. He's tall, he's six five. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was about level with his bicep.

Also, you gotta remember his biceps go like all the way up to his shoulder. You know what's real weird to me that I had, I did have a hard time sort of processing. Yep. Uh, that Hulk Hogan is six seven. I hope a little, I would have a hard time processing that except I once was on a plane with Hulk Hogan so I know exactly how tall he is.

Have I never told you this story? You, you meet too many people. I've, I've seen almost every celebrity on a plane. Every celebrity who travels via commercial aircraft I have been on a plane with. So Hulk Hogan, I was on a plane with whole Cogan. I was seated in coach and he was seated in first class, but A, he stood for the entire flight. Like the moment the fast and seat belt sign went off, he stood up and he stood facing

the rest of the plane, just like staring out at us. And the most amazing detail, Hank, is that this is a great start. Unlike most celebrities, he was dressed precisely as Hulk Hogan. Like he was not wearing sunglasses, he was not trying to disguise himself in any way. He was like, yes, it is Hulk Hogan on your plane.

Me, Hulk Hogan, staring at you for the next hour and 15 minutes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well, when you're six, seven, you don't want to sit now, and you want to stand up. You know the celebrity I've been on a plane with most often? Oh my, is it John Green? What's happening right now?

It's Snoop Dogg. I've been on a plane with Snoop Dogg four times. What? Four times. At that point, you're just like, okay, I guess we're friends, right? I met Snoop backstage at a thing once and we took a picture together

because I guess his kids like my books or whatever and he was very nice. And everyone I've talked to about Snoop because I've sat next to his manager or people several times. They all speak highly of him. But he, it doesn't much better job of disguising himself than Hulk Hogan, that's all I'll say.

Ah, so maybe I have set next to Snooge. It's very possible, it's very possible. I think at some point we promised some people some Mars news, so I'm gonna do that instead of like, who's John Ben on a plane with before? You guys can't wait for my new spin-off podcast. People I've shared a play with. So, yeah, so the news of Mars is,

so there's a media right, a beautiful little media right. In fact, it's called Black Beauty. That's what they call it, the scientists, because it's a pretty little black media right, that's what they call it, the scientists, because it's a pretty little black meteorite that's from Mars. And this, you know, we have previous models of how Mars formed and when Mars first became sort of like the crust formed and then rain fell, so there's sort of this window between which like there was definitely liquid water on Mars and then it stopped being there. And then when it started being there, it's basically the moment when there was a crust.

So that is the window during which life could have happened, and so knowing that those dates is important. And the models, the mathematical models we have for how Mars would have formed, indicates that the crust formed pretty late, later than this now, this new evidence is showing us. So instead of like a hundred million years before the crust formed, it would have been more like 20 million years according to an analysis of this meteorite, which scientists did science to

to sort of like say, like, okay, this rock is a very old rock from the surface of Mars, and we can tell from, I think the Zircon crystals in it, that this rock formed just 20 million years after the formation of the solar system, rather than like a hundred or 150 million years after the formation of the solar system, which was our previous guess. So that's pretty big news, and it does,

it has a pretty big impact on how we're imagining the sort of window of potential life on the surface of Mars. That's really interesting. So is it possible that there was life on Mars like long before there was life on Earth? Well, yeah, yeah, I mean, that sort of, that hypothesis is out there that like if there was life on Earth? Well, yeah, yeah, I mean, that sort of the hypothesis is out there that like if there was,

if there, if we do find some evidence of former life on Mars, we could, we'll be able to tell whether that life shares a common ancestry with us. So was that life? And like, and if it doesn't, it will actually be really hard to figure out if it counts because all the things we have to test for life are all based on our chemistry. But the idea that life could have gone from Earth to Mars,

and that all the Mars life just got knocked off of Earth on a meteorite, or that it came from Mars to Earth, and we are in fact all descendants of Martian microbes. Right. Which would be really neat. I would be amazing if after all of these decades of work to get humans to Mars, it turns out that we were Martians all along. And if that is the case, John, question, does that mean we've already been to Mars so we

got there before 2028? If definitive proof is discovered that we are all Martians, at some point before 2028 or after 2028, we will either continue to keep the podcast named here, Hank and John, or we will change it back to Hank and John and John. Yes, Sutter is a chance. But I mean, I want proof. I don't mean like climate change is real proof. I mean proper proof. That was a joke.

That was a joke. That was a joke for Hank. That was a joke for Hank and climate change is real. And that was that was the joke. OK, the news from AFC Wimbledon. Hank, there is so much news from AFC Wimbledon. We've lost all of our players and we've gained entirely new set of players. We've played some friendly games at which these new players have had to encounter each other presumably for the first time. Yesterday, Neil Ardley said that he is still trying to sign, wait for it, seven more players. Oh my goodness gracious.

The season starts in like a month. Neil Ardley would like to have at least seven more signings for AFC Wimbleton this summer. So that is from South London Press and Mercury, which I think is South London's leading AFC Wimbleton newspaper. All right, so I would just want to introduce you to some of our new players. First off, we have a new goalkeeper.

It's a shame because I really like George Long. He was great, but our new goalkeeper is named Tom King, which wins itself to lots of puns. So congratulations, Tom. He's excited to, okay. I think he's on loan. He is on loan from Millwall. We've had a lot of players on loan from Millwall over the years. We've had a good relationship with Millwall. They've provided

us with some of our best players, so I'm all for it. I love, I'm excited about Tom King. We also have a new striker. His name is James Hanson, and he is a big, big lad. He's 30 years old. He's six, six feet four inches tall tall and in the past AFC Wembleyden has done well when we've had huge strikers who are difficult to deal with the most famous being of course Auto Bio-Akkon Fenwa, but there are lots of other examples as well So that that that's exciting news. We got a new midfielder whose name is Mitch Pinock Mitch pinnick He all I know is that on Twitter he calls himself Mitchy pins Really that's Mitchy pins. That sounds a lot like something you'd make up All I know is that on Twitter he calls himself Michi Pins. Really?

That's Michi Pins. That sounds a lot like something you'd make up. I mean, I agree with you 100%. It does sound like something I would make up. But his name is your phrase of the week, Michi Pins. Michi Pins, anyway, I really hope he scores a lot of goals because I want to say the words Mitchy pins all the time I don't even know if it's good news or bad news, but that's his name Mitchy pins

And we also signed a player on loan named Tanai Watson who is a defender played for Redding people are excited about him Let's keep our fingers crossed. I guess I have no idea if he's any good He's young then he looks Driven based on the one picture of him that I've seen. So yeah, that's the deal. We've got some new players. And there was also an interesting, uh, meat the manager event at which Neil Hardley was asked a bunch of questions about last season.

And one of the things that he said is that he was upset that some kind of clicks formed. And then he felt like the team wasn't on the same page and that some of the players who've been released or moved on, he felt like we're maybe part of that problem. So now hopefully we'll have this sort of like unified squad who all buy into the plan. Our preseason results so far have been excellent. We beat Reading. Preseason doesn't really matter because a lot of times, you know, teams are starting not their best players to see who's good or who plays well together or whatever. But we beat Reading 4-2 and Joe Or is I call him Joey pigs

Quessie a pie also scored a goal. I can't think of a Quessie apps. I'm not gonna get ready for this all season long. It's never gonna stop Every every week no matter who scores. I'm gonna report on the exploits of Michy Pins, no matter what. Anyway, so that's the update. We've had a good preseason. Things seemed to be going well, but it's entirely new players, so I don't know whether to be excited or terrified.

John, I think that you should be excited. I think that you should be excited. You guys are spending your cash, and I think you're doing it wisely. Now, it's time for the phrase of the week, which I can definitively say you didn't say because you said it last podcast and I still know what it is. What was it? Something about treadmills? It was treadmill shuffling, which was a camo's dance move.

And I did say it last time and I got away with it. You did. And it was incredibly impressive But unfortunately the memory card didn't work so I apologize to Camu signature dance move who donated that For the project for awesome and I even though you did say your phrase of the week last time I don't flip and remember it. What is it double dactyl? Double dactora so What is it? It's Double Dactal from Sierra.

So, Sierra did a thank you, but I will say that I did not that slippery one wet or whatever song I was talking about back then does not have double dactals in it. And I lied to you and I was very hard for me to keep lying to you. But I did that and and powered through and didn't bring up the fact that I was lying, which was hard. Right. So the double dactal rhyme scheme does not appear in any song on Slippery When Wet, Bon Jovi's classic album. However, there is a double-deck total rhyme scheme example on Wikipedia involving our favorite president, Benjamin Harrison. Wait, what? What? What? What said was boring, and I got a lot of trouble for saying he was boring, so I'm gonna read you this poem that I did not write

I did not write and I do not agree with its theme. It is a poem by John Hollander Hickley Pickley Benjamin Harrison 23rd President was and as such served between Cleveland's and save for this trivial idiosyncrasy didn't do much Wow Wow Wow didn't do much. Wow! Wow! Wow! That is very weird. That is a very weird convergence of something dumb and silly and something dumb and silly suddenly having a large large overlap on this podcast.

Speaking of which we have a project for awesome message from Boyer to read to Jess. Boyer, thank you for donating to the project for awesome. Jess, this is your message. The post office is hiring in Fairbanks, so I guess you have to move back to Iowa now. Is that like a code? Did I just like- did I just send- Yeah, right? The Russians at message from Donald Trump- Don't use us this way. There's lots of ways to communicate on the internet now. Seriously, Michael Cohen, what did I just tell-

What did I just tell that Russian pop star who organized the meeting at Trump Tower? Anyway, if you're a real person, boy, and Jess, I hope that that message meant a lot to you, or alternately that the post office starts hiring in Fairbanks because it is a lovely town. Yeah. All right, John.

Thank you for making a podcast with me. Thank you everyone for listening to this podcast, which is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Halsey-Roll-Hasson, Sheridan Gibson, our head of community and communications is Victoria Bon Giorno, the music that you're hearing right now and at the beginning of the podcast is from the great Gunnarola. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.

And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.