Dear Hank & John - 155: Drunk Fruit Squirrels

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

Can I wear my Tuesday shirt on other days? How do I give advice that doesn't hurt feelings but is still helpful? Did I steal this plant? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello, it's a cold open this week because we have a bit of news. The first bit of news is that Dear Hank and John, as well as the Anthropocene Reviewed and a new podcast called SciShow Tangents, are all going to be joining the WNYC family. Yeah, WNYC Studios is a, as you may have heard, an organization that makes and produces and works with lots of great podcasts. And we are joining them. This podcast is, it will change basically nothing for you, just for clarity. And we'll make things easier for us and more stable for us, and also potentially help us make better content and maybe even some other projects in the future. Yeah, we're huge fans and have been for a long time of WNYC.

They make podcasts like Radio Lab and more perfect and Nancy. In fact, I've known our producer at WNYC for more than 20 years. All of which means this is really exciting for us, but should not affect your listening experience that much, except insofar as the quality of the audio might improve slightly. Yeah, if you think that this is going to result in like a fundamentally better deer Hank and John experience, I've got news for you. This is as good as it could possibly be.

No, yeah, we've reached it. We're keeping the podcast crap. Don't worry about that. But thank you to all of you who listen every week. It means the world to us. I also want to say that we're going on tour. Hank is going on a longer tour than I'm going on, but I will be with Hank when an absolutely remarkable thing comes out in New York on Tuesday, September 25th will be in Boston on Wednesday, September 26th.

John and I will also be in Canton, Ohio, Chicago, Illinois, Kansas City, Missouri, and Indianapolis, Indiana. And then I'm moving on by myself, and gonna have some special guests in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Denver, Los Angeles, San Diego, Santa Cruz, and Bellingham, Washington. So if you're in or near any of those places, please come see me.

And if you're in Missoula, Montana, I'll probably too, a local event too, but it will be separate and not part of this tour. So we hope to see lots of you on tour. Now is the time to get tickets, by the way, because many of the shows are very close to selling out. I am so excited for a Hank's book and absolutely remarkable thing. It comes out on September 25th.

It is available for three-order now. I can only say that for a few more days because soon it will just be available for order. Anyway, let's roll the open. Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Gorgeous, I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you the advice and make you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John.

Yep. How do we start this podcast again? You tell a dad joke. We have never been so unprepared. Sarah has been out of town for the last five days and I, my circadian rhythms are completely off when Sarah is gone. Like, I go to bed at two o'clock in the morning

and then I have to wake up and take the kids to school. And the kids are like, what's wrong with you, dad? And I'm just like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I just I think got let the Hank sorry what just happened my circadias are also messed up they're buzzing all in my brain because I just got back from Australia and so I spent the hours of of 12 to 3 o'clock in the morning this this last day awake very hungry and and eventually eating quite a lot of turkey cold cuts. But we start the podcast with a dad joke. So, John, what noise does a 747 make when it bounces?

What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Bowing, bowing. Oh, God. Hey, dude. 37 make when it bounces Boeing Boeing Oh God Hey, dude Don't worry, don't worry next week's dad joke is even better than that one I got a bunch to collect it all ready. It's great. I'm very excited about this new format. Oh my god The great barrier reef is showing signs of recovery in good news. That's wonderful. I had heard that it was showing signs of the opposite of that. Well, don't worry.

There has been massive coral bleaching in 2016 and 2017. However, due to a milder 2017, 2018 summer, you'll recall that down in Australia summer, you know, goes right as well as a lot of cooperation among lots of different groups. There has been some recovery in the Great Barrier Reef. Now the long term worry is still that these mild summers may not be a permanent phenomena on so it's good news But if we don't stop Stop no, that was just good news John don't it's global warming me. Okay. It's good news

It's good news. Hey, let's move on to some questions for our listeners. The worst job we've ever done. I mean, we have an episode called The Worst Episode Ever, but we might have to update it. Oh, I know that we had, yeah, well, the good news is that we can always do worse. All right, Hank, we're gonna answer some questions from our listeners and we're gonna do a good job of it because I just give you a pep talk

that I think Nick probably cut out of the podcast, but that is of course words, and it was a profanity, laden half-time team talk where I was like, Hank, we've gotta get into the podcast right now. This question comes from Mary Kate, who asked, dear John and Hank, I own a tank top that simply says Tuesday on it in big block letters.

I've owned it for a while now, but I don't wear it very often because I only feel it's appropriate to wear on Tuesdays. However, I really like the color and comfort of this tank top. Should I wear the tank top on days other than Tuesday? Or will that just confuse people? Dubies advice appreciated Ashley's sister, Marikate.

Oh my God, it's for Marikate Olson. Marikate Olson wrote into the pod to ask us a fashion question. That is a surprise. That is a surprise. I mean, maybe you should approach this as if you are actually Marikate Olson, which I'm not saying you aren't. Right.

But say like, look, I am just a tremendously successful actress and business person and I have done things that no one else has done before and I was in that very good music video about pizza and I can do whatever I want. I am Mary Kate Olson. I just punched my microphone a little bit. Yeah, well, I can feel the passion. Yeah, you just gotta ask yourself, Mary Kate,

W-W-M-K-O-D. Yeah. What would Mary Kate Olson do in the situation? And the answer is that she would wear that tank top. Yeah. Almost, she would probably wear it once because she has a lot of outfits. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We should set that trend, man. You got it, what you got to do is get one for every day of the week, but then never wear them on the right day.

Right. Yeah, no, that's what my son does with his day of the week underwear. It's a- it's a power move. You're just- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Yeah, you know you don't know fascinating fact about Mary Kate Olson Hank sure I mean always Mary Kate Olson is 32 years old. Oh wow. Do you know how old Ashley Olson is? Really you really solved that one Let's move on to the next question. There's a bunch of people out. You really solved that one. Let's move on to the next question.

There's a bunch of people out there, by the way, who have no idea who Marikate and Ashley Olson are. Yeah. Do not know that they are twins, did not get that joke until I just explained that they are twins. Now you know. For context, the reason it's so alarming to Hank and me

that Marikate and Ashley Olson are 32 years old, is that- No, we don't need to continue explaining this. Okay. No, Hank, joke. Just look it up. If you're confused, look it up. Hank, jokes get funnier when you explain them more. Everyone knows that.

That's one of the- This next question comes from Ward. I'm gonna shut you up. My mom just started a choir with her colleagues from work and they are terrible. They practice at home and it's hard to avoid the noise. This on its own isn't a problem. I'm glad that you think so, Ward,

you can always put the podcast in. But Ward says, I sing in a pretty good choir myself. So my mom sees me as the authority on choir music and asks for my advice or to listen for mistakes. If I would be honest, I would say the whole thing is a mistake, but they're clearly having fun

and I don't want to ruin it for them. How do I give advice that doesn't hurt feelings, but is still somewhat helpful, ward, and of the North? Hank, before I answer this question, can I just note that maybe we've been doing such a terrible job of the pod so far because we're trying to reassure people that the fact that we're now a fancy WNYC podcast is not mean that we're gonna be good So we're partnering with WNYC and we want to give you a really subpar product right now So you don't think anything's changing ward You have to tell your mother. I'm glad you're having fun. It sounds like you're having fun and things that are technically true while also not being cruel.

And if she asks you how is the quality of our singing, you can say like, ah, I mean, I don't think that you're a professional choir, but I don't think you're trying to be. You're having fun. Ward, maybe you should go to, I don't know, someone who is more expert than us, like your choir director, who is a person that you, assume no, and then lay out the sitch and say, like, you know, that, like ultimately things like this don't have to be about perfection, they can be about fun.

And so keep that in mind and be supportive of the fun that the people in your lives want to have. Hey, I think it's terrible advice to go to your choir director or to go to anyone with more expertise than we have because all that does is undercut our brand as providing high quality advice on a variety of topics because all that does is undercut our brand as providing high quality advice on a variety of topics that we have no expertise in.

Yeah, cause I really can't tell you how to direct a choir award. Well, it's just not. You also can't tell Mary Kate Olson how to wear a tank top, but that's not so in your down. I can totally do that, cause I have worn tank tops, John. I've done that.

I've never directed a choir. I mean, I would submit that you are not an expert in wearing tank tops, based on every single time I have ever seen you wear a tank top. When was the last time you saw me wear a tank top, John? It's been a long time, but it is seared in my memory,

because you do not look. I say this with a lot of respect and admiration for you as a person, but you cannot pull off a tank top. I think the most of the time when I put on tank tops, they look good if I'm also wearing a shirt underneath. Is that right? Uh, no.

No. No. No. Marikane, whatever Higgs said about when to wear your Tuesday tank top, you need to do the opposite. I don't know, it just like it kind of like tugs the shirt onto you more firmly and then you've got sort of a real good situation on the top half. Yeah, you wear an undershirt over your regular shirt. That's why they call it an over shirt Doing that every day of tour now. It's my new thing. Please don't please don't do that

It drives me crazy. We like hello. I'm a name is Hank rim a very serious author man Oh, you can tell because of it's like how Neil Gaiman like started wearing leather all the time and they were like, Oh, Neil Gaiman is like the cool leather guy. He's like authored. He's awesome and he's like writes really good books, but also he's like cool looking and maybe a little bit like I'm a little afraid because he's like, I don't know there's some kind of like dark vibe going on there, but I'm going to be the guy and like the tank top over the t-shirt and people are going to think something about that. Yeah, they'll think something about it. And that's all that matters, John, that people are thinking something about me.

It's the only commodity we have left. That is genuinely what an absolutely remarkable thing is about. So I guess it would be on brand. This next question comes from Kelly who writes, dear John and Hank, what is the worst snack you've ever had? I ask because the world needs more cautionary tales on bad snacks. On a road trip, I once had a bag of fish jerky and washed it down with stevia, sweet and root beer.

Many regret, hey, don't say anything bad about stevia, sweet and root beer, Kelly. Come on. Fish jerky is not a thing, is it? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. You know what I've always think about fish? It's not the worst. Can we contract the flavor part?

I want more of the flavor part. No. Oh my God. No, the worst snack that I've ever had by a very wide margin. When Sarah and I started dating, she was working at an art gallery snack that I've ever had by a very wide margin. When Sarah and I started dating, she was working at an art gallery, and I went to all of the art galleries shows

because I wanted her to like me. And one of them was a performance piece. I like performance art, like the idea of it, I don't like experiencing performance art because a lot of times the artist interacts with the audience, which is the thing that makes me most uncomfortable in the entire world. So it's like being at a play where you are told five seconds before the play starts that you are in fact an actor in the play and

there was this artist and he was interacting with the audience and he was sort of like weaving around them and he would get his face really up close to your face and I would, you'd have to like not scrunch your face in fear because you wanted to look like you were cool and a regular person and not the kind of person who freaks out when people are in your personal space. And then he handed me a piece of candy and I was like, yeah, okay. And everyone else was unwrapping their candy. So I was like, final kale, unwrap my candy

and everyone else put in their mouths and I was like, oh God, I gotta put this strange man's candy in my mouth and I put it in my mouth and it was crab flavored oh man that got I thought it was just gonna be regular candy and it was the word snack because the strange man put it into your mouth but it was crab candy too. Crab candy. It was crab candy and I mean I had to sit there and suck on this crab candy for like 12 minutes because I didn't want to be rude and spit it out. Oh, that's the societal pressure is amazing, John.

It will make you do anything. There are so many things that we will do because it just seems like it's what's expected of us. And this is the most extreme example I've ever heard of that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, it was good. Sure. You didn't say it was bad. No, just as I told Ward not to tell his mom that her choir is bad. But the guy didn't make the candy. What's the worst snack you ever had? What's the worst snack I ever had? I don't know. So in these like brief moments before I'm officially sponsored by Metamusel.

Before I sign the contract, they make these little Metamusel wafers that are supposed to be cookies and it's a huge lie. People in my office eat them because Metamusel sent us a bunch of them. And if you are very hungry, they are food. But I find them to be much less enjoyable than just the normal metamusel powder because you, it just like the whole experience stays in your mouth for a much longer time.

And you have to be careful. If you put the whole thing in there at once, it expands, man, that's the whole point of a psyllium husk is that it gets bigger and it absorbs a lot of water. And then suddenly you're like, I can't. My mouth is now all this and nothing. Have you put two of those things in your mouth? You might not live.

There's a warning on the box. I'm not even kidding. I can't wait till you are in an actual television commercial for this actual product. And you're like, I'm out of use, so wait for it. They're delicious, don't eat too. Oh man, this is the worst snack I've ever had though. John, you also left off the last half of this question.

First of all, I looked up fish jerky, it's totally a thing and actually it's pretty good. I saw some. I was like, that's not, doesn, and it actually, it's pretty good. I saw some. I was like, that's not, doesn't look bad, and it was $25, and you get free shipping, if you pay that much. Oh, if you better. But I do also have to bring up that the situation

was made even less palatable for Kelly by the 100 plus coyotes cats baking in the trunk of their car, which they were transporting for thesis research, and also the name specific sign off is Cheers Smelly Kelly. I just didn't wanna like leave that not in everybody's brains because I'm happy that it was in mine. I just think that people do such important work, John, and sometimes it means transporting a lot,

a lot of coyote poop. Can you imagine like how unexpected a turn of events it must be for one of those mice that got eaten by that coyote that then got pooped out that then ended up in Kelly's trunk? What? Yeah, and then at a laboratory somewhere, but the good news is that the mouse does not know about this.

Well, I mean, we don't know that for sure. Just like watching from house Evan being like, what are you doing now? What an afterlife I'm having. What are you doing now? This is the indignity. All right. Take me to my people's burial grounds.

Oh man, imagine like a spirit world where mice cannot rest until They've been taken to the right place, you know the depth of the disrespect I can't tell if this is offensive to religious people even though I am a religious person All right Hank this next question comes from Emily who writes dear John and Hank I've been in a relationship with someone for almost 10 months now. Hank, do you remember when you counted your relationship by months? The letter really, no.

No, I do not. I remember like celebrating my 6 month anniversary with Sarah, which now does seem a little ludicrous, but no, no, it's great. You should count by months. I was grateful. Oh yeah. You still counted by months. We're in like month 190.

It is currently going really well and I have hopes it may continue for a very long time. Together we are going to a common friend's wedding in a month. Should I join the rest of the ladies to try to catch the bouquet? My partner and I are nowhere near talking about marriage and the risk of actually catching it is stressful. On the other hand, I want to participate in the celebration traditions. Advice, especially dubious advice, is appreciated. Pumpkins and penguins, Emily. John, I've witnessed a lot, a lot, like, a surprising number of bouquet tosses in my time, and I can tell you something about

every single one of them. The person who catches that bouquet, one did to catch it. 100%. Nobody ever catches it by accident. Yeah. No, there's been fights. And if it comes down to it, just give it a tip and be like, oh, I didn't get it. You're not getting to somebody else's hand. Yeah, Emily, you just line up to be part of the bouquet catching and then you don't catch the bouquet.

I have to say of the wedding traditions. This is the one that I find the weirdest and at our own wedding, Sarah was like, I really don't want to do this. And there were other forces in the wedding that were like, you're going to do it. So she did. Yeah. But it is, it's a weird tradition.

I don't, I don't dislike this one, John. There's, I've seen one, I have been to a lot of weddings, But it is it's a weird tradition. I don't I don't dislike this one John There's I've seen one I've been a lot of weddings where the groom has to put a garter belt onto the bride in front of everyone Oh, yeah, this is much worse to me Yeah, and every like inch above the knee is a decade of happy marriage or something and I'm just like no Yeah, no, There are children here. I am very uncomfortable. I feel like that one's mostly going away. Let me propose to you a potential situation though

in which Emily is not the only one who feels this way and is in fact, that all of the people feel this way and thus the bouquet just like falls, like does a nice little arc and then just like, woo, and everybody's sort of like jumping up and down and then it just falls straight to the ground in a circle of people being like, I didn't know on it. Nobody wanted it.

And that's okay. Let me propose that that would be a sort of remarkable and exciting thing to have happen, not like embarrassing, it would be very funny and I think that that's fine. Yeah, I mean, let's read for that outcome. Nobody gets the bouquet. Everybody dies alone.

Or our fate is not decided by a bunch of flowers. And in fact, you can have a completely fulfilling life without romance in your life. So yeah, lots of reasons to not catch the bouquet. Unless you want to catch it, then do. I'm not here to judge your bouquet strategy. I just think you can line up and choose whether to catch it when the moment comes. This next question comes from Ken who asks,

do you hear Hank and John, can I take apples off the ground? There's a house across this street from me that has an apple tree and there are so many apples that just fall off and sit there. Are they mine now? I think that the tree grows more apples than a person could possibly eat, but I don't know how many people live at that house. Maybe there's like an army in there packed in, like a clown car.

Apple's an art varks Ken. I'm glad you were exploring all the options, Ken. The thing is, Ken, if there is an army inside of this house, yeah, I'd be concerned. You would think that they would be eating the apples. Right. Well, I would think that I am worried that this person is hoarding an army,

and so I wanted to prive them of resources. Great point, Hank. We need to make sure that there are no well-organized private militias in the United States Trying to take over our apple orchards and possibly the rest of our country. That's right. That's right And why else would you need that many apples? I mean give me a reason justify yourself apple tree honer Apple farming apple cider making or just the apple tree got bigger than they expected I mean isn't it possible that this person just runs

an extremely small apple farm and that Ken is essentially trying to steal their livelihood from them? They're on the ground. Once they're on the ground, they're questionable as to whether Ken should eat them for health reasons. Oh, I'm not worried about that at all, but I don't know. I was thinking about this question

because I was thinking Now if somebody were in my garden and a tomato were on the ground and they picked that tomato I would be mad because I not because they picked the tomato But because why are you in my garden Ken? Yeah, but if it falls on the other side of the fence, that's fair game There is a lot of fun around in my town right now, and frankly, the town doesn't even let you plant fruit trees in the boulevards anymore, because no one picks the fruit,

and it just sits there and gets stinky, and then the squirrels eat it, and they get drunk, and then they are crazy squirrels. And- Wait, what? Well, the fruit ferments on the ground and the squirrels eat it and they get drunk. Shut up.

Squirrels do not get drunk off of ground fruit. They do and it happens to bats too. Bat can get drunk. No. Can get drunk. No. No. Definitely a thing.

Drunk fruit squirrels. It happened on naked and I'm afraid too, where this guy was really hungry and he needed to eat food and so he ate some rotten food and he got really drunk. Or like he had eaten them like two days, so he didn't get that drunk, but he didn't need a lot of alcohol and that fruit to make him get a little tipsy. And to be clear, I only know this because I was told this by Hannah Hart, I do not watch Naked On Afraid.

Yeah, that seems like something that somebody who watches Naked In A Frayed would say. I put Naked In A Frayed in turtles all the way down, and so I felt like I had to watch an episode of it. Yeah. But I watched it after I wrote the scene, you know, as you do. Yeah. And I watched the show and I was like, yeah, no, it's pretty much what I expected.

I mean, they really do cover it in the title. Yeah, it's just some I can feel who are pretty afraid. Yeah. Imagine, pause the Apple question just for a second heck, so that we could imagine together the pitch meeting at which naked and afraid was created. So you walk into the Discovery Channel and you're like, yeah, we got a few shows we want

to pitch you. One is about alligator hunters in New Orleans. It's called Alligator Town and they're like, ah, alligator town, it sounds good, it's not great. And then you're like, okay, our other show is called Naked and Afraid. And the Discovery Channel people are just like, here is a pile of money. Yeah.

You know what, we need to do with that. The Naked and Afraid is get some people to sign some disclaimers and put them in situations where they might die. I don't know what the law is here going back to the apples, but I do think that somebody's got to eat them. And if it's not you, it's gonna be drunk squirrels. I'm not super worried about the public health problem of drunk squirrels.

I'm a little worried about Ken trespassing onto someone else's land to eat someone else's apples. Especially if there's an army in there. Like that's not fair. Yeah, I would knock on the door and say, hey, can I pick some of your apples or eat some of your ground apples so that the squirrels don't get drunk?

Or, alternatively, just let it go. Which reminds me, John, that this podcast is brought to you by naked and afraid, naked and afraid, this week on Discovery. Man and a woman are uncomfortable in the woods. They get bit by bugs a bunch. Don't you wanna watch those bug bites? Today's podcast is also brought to you by Crab Candy.

Crab Candy, just don't. Just don't. That's not a good snacks podcast. It's also brought to you by Tuesday tank tops. Tuesday is a brand name of new tank tops that is available from Hank and John Green. You can get them at the space store. It's an outer space, you have to get to space.

That's why Elon Musk is working so hard because he wants to get one of those tank tops. Today's podcast is also brought to you by Elon Musk. He can't make it. He can get a Tesla Model 3. And a space trip. For only $62,000. Yeah, that's $35,000 a car that costs $62,000.

It's the deal of the century. And that's why I guess finally this podcast is brought to you by the mouse burial grounds, where the mouse go to be respected after death. I like that you're including that, which forces Nick to put it in the pot. You can't take it out now. The spot guest is also brought to you by the green brother's neckwash. It's just not a joke we've made yet. It's a joke we're about to make.

She's not a joke we've made yet. To joke we're about to make. This next question, this next question comes from Danny. Oh, you're doing that? You're doing that? Oh, great. Okay, Steve and I could join. The other day I was washing my face in the shower and I started to wonder, do you use face wash on your neck or body wash on your neck?

The neck is obviously not part of your face, but the skin seems too sensitive for body wash, help I'm conflicted, not Disney, but Danny. Oh, God, I love you. I love our, our listeners, bad jokes. So bad. Not sure, I'm not sure that Hank Boeing, Boeing Green, is in a position to criticize other people's jokes.

Hey, I'm gonna do a Twitter poll where the podcast comes out and I'm gonna find out what people think of that about that joke, John. I bet people are gonna love it. Yeah, yeah, no, I bet. Danny, your neck is, I'm gonna be honest with you, Danny.

I just use soap on my neck up to what I call the beard line just above my Adam's apple. And then from there up, I do use face wash. So I don't know if that's the right way, but that's my way. I think that there is a point there. I get sort of like dry itchy feeling on my neck and back and like, hey, you can do you do whatever you want But I do think that like maybe there's a maybe there is a segment of the body that doesn't have a wash yet But the question is will we eventually just need a rack in our showers? That's like okay, well it's time for the face

That is time for the neck then I've got my special peck wash and And then this is just for my armpits. Like, do we need this? Is this where we're headed as a society? No, no, but I think that's a great example of how like slippery slope arguments work on Twitter. Or someone's like, hey, should I use face wash below my chin and then someone else is like, oh, now everything's falling apart. Funnel have to wash.

Great. Great. I mean, yeah, fine. Let's just have foot wash and ankle wash and calf wash. Why, why are, is this even America? Exactly right, John. That is not what I intended to illustrate, but I did illustrate it through my own worrying

about whether or not we were gonna have washes for everything. All right, Hank, before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, this last question comes from Ashley, who writes to your John and Hank, I was just shopping at Marshalls, and while there I acquired an aloe vera plant, I didn't buy it though. I had an intention of buying it

I even thought I bought it. I got several other things that I did pay for and I guess the checkout clerk just missed ringing the plant up Oh, what should I do? Did I technically steal the plant? Should I try to go back and pay for it or should I just think of it as a gift from the universe? That's not that I'm gonna have a gift from the universe. It's not... That's not a gift from the universe. It's a gift from Marshalls. Because it was 499 if that changes it. It doesn't. It doesn't. Oh, it does. It absolutely changes something.

Because the thought of driving back to Marshalls, which is gonna cost like $3 in gas and add to the world's carbon emissions in order to pay for a $4.99 out of air of plant is ludicrous. I mean, but you didn't pay for it, though. Okay, you didn't pay for it, Hank, but it was put in your cart and you intended to pay for it, and that's just the way that it went this time. It's just, and other times it will go a different way and that stuff evens out over a lifetime and furthermore, let me submit that in a capitalist society, the big corporations do a good enough job extracting stuff out of you. If occasionally you get a bonus for all of that, then take your aloe vera plant and run

because God knows it isn't gonna happen very often. I'm gonna say that next time you should take the receipt off the plant and next time you're at Marshall's, you should buy it, you should buy the plant. I mean, I'd love to hear from Marshalls on this issue because I think they'd probably be like, yeah, whatever, Ashley, I mean, as'd love to hear from Marshalls on this issue because I think they'd probably be like, uh, yeah, whatever, Ashley. I mean, as long as you're happy

and you wanna come back to Marshalls at some point, we're good. They bet you're right. I don't know. I have definitely done this before where I got a free thing from the grocery store I went back and was like, I got this thing for free.

Can I pay for it now? I'm actually gonna tweet at Marshalls. Hey. So theoretically, if I accidentally stole a plant from you. No, I'm not writing that. That doesn't make any sense. I'm writing, hey, Marshalls, how do you feel about this whole Ashley thing?

Question mark. Okay, and then they'll have to do the research themselves. They'll figure it out, Hank. They're Marshalls. For figure it out, Hank. They're marshals. For God's sake, man. They're the seventh largest company in America. All right, John. Well, before we get to all the important news

from Mars and AFC Wimmels, and I have an update on the Twitter poll from last episode where we were talking about doing laundry for someone else. I asked Twitter, I said, hey, if you're doing laundry for someone else, the change in their pants pockets either still belongs to them or belongs to you now. And most people said that the money now belongs to you. I was right.

People agree with you. I was right, you were wrong. And Marshall's is very confused about my question about Ashley. Hank, yeah, what is the news from Mars this week? It's bleak, John. Oh no. As you all, of course, know the opportunity rover launched in 2003, it's been on Mars since 2004, so it's 14 years on Mars. It's been an extremely long and successful mission. It's very exciting and very good but they have not as sunlight has started to come back through this dust storm that has been covering up opportunity preventing it from getting power through its solar panels.

It is not powered back up. It is not called home and we've even sent it some little beeps to be like, hey, can you send us a beep? And it hasn't beeped back at us. And it's worrying. And NASA does eventually have to make a call. It's a hard call to make because this is a long mission and it's done such amazing things and done a lot of amazing science over the years. But the deadline is that after the,

like there's sort of an arbitrary amount of, like, sunlight going through the atmosphere, it's 1.5 tau. I don't know what that unit is, but when that's reached, they'll then have 45 days after that. So once the rover's getting a certain amount of light, they get 45 days, and if the rover doesn't call home

before then, the team will sort of basically disband a little bit, people will get moved to other positions, and they will continue listening passively, so they won't be like active listening, they'll listen passively for, I think until January or something, but at that point, it's very unlikely that they'll hear anything. And then the rover, that team will not be working on opportunity anymore because they will basically have said that opportunity is not an active mission. And everyone's pretty sure that they won't be hearing back.

The good news is that Curiosity still has a lot of mission life and also is a more robust science experiment and has a lot of science and has done and will continue to do lots of science. So we do still have an active rover on Mars that is a bigger, better mission and are planning another one in 2020. That is very similar to Curiosity. So that's happening and Curiosity just sent back a really beautiful selfie that it took as the dust storm was dissipating, which is really cool. And it's not powered by solar panels, it's powered by a radioactive decay and the heat caused by it. So you can't slow this boy down, he's good. Well, I'm still very sad to hear that news because it has been such an incredible

run and it's such a great story. And, but I guess that everything has to end. Speaking of endings, oh God, AFC Wimbledon's losing streak needs to end and soon. AFC Wimbledon. Did you win a game or something? AFC Wimbledon got four points from their first two games, a win and a draw and one point from their most recent four games in League 1. It's a very worrisome situation. In several of those games, we played brilliantly, but just didn't get a result. And then after trying that several times, we thought we would try a whole new strategy against Burton, which was to play terribly. and it turned out that also didn't work

We lost that game three nil and deserved to lose it three nil And so now aFC Wimbledon are in 20th place in league one just one point away from the relegation places back Back at that end of the table. I do not enjoy visiting. Ah, so we're playing Jillingham over the weekend, which should be an interesting game, partly because nobody knows for sure if Jillingham is pronounced with a soft G or a hard G, and partly because who's plays for Jillingham now, but former Wimbledon Captain Barry Fuller, whom I personally miss desperately, and it'll be nice to see him even if he is lining up as an opponent against AFC Wimbledon. It'll be a nice kind of homecoming. Hopefully we can get a result from that game

because I am starting to get officially nervous. Yeah, I was on the the internet and it said that you won a game in penalties. Was that something else? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's one of the other competitions. Oh, okay. So that doesn't count for points. No, not in the league one season. It's a nice thing to have happened in the football league trophy. We played Charlton.

We scored two good goals and from two players, you don't usually start for Wimbledon. We also played a pretty good game against West Ham, the Premier League opposition, with some players you don't usually start for Wimbledon, which is starting to make me think that maybe those players should start for Wimbledon, like some of the younger players, some of the academy prospects, are looking pretty good at least in those games, but it's hard to know. But yeah, we won that game on penalties four to two, and that means that we might get out of the football league trophy group stage, but my main concern at this point is ensuring another season in league one

since next season is hopefully when we'll be moving into the new stadium. Well, best of luck. I want sports to be good for John and other fans. Thanks, I feel the same way about rovers on Mars. Hank, thank you for potting with me. It has been a pleasure as always and thanks to everybody for listening. We're off to record our patron-only podcast this week in Ryan's, which you can get at patreon.com slash deerhankinjohn.

But don't worry if you can't, it's not that good. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins, who this week had an even harder job than usual, so thank you, Nick. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonjorna. The podcast is produced by Rosiana Hals-Ros and Sheridan Gibson. The music that you're hearing right now is from the great Gunnarola, and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome.