Dear Hank & John - 158: President Alligator

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

Why do people hate raisins? Is U2 a boy band? How do I make friends with the people I work with? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is that for Think With Your John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you the advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John! Yes. What did the patient say when the doctor said that his brain had lost all memory of 1980s music? What?

Oh, no! What's the cure in 1991 that they would be associated only with the 80s. The cure have been ongoing concern, Hank, since 1976. They're a year older than I am. So that's a great point. That's a good point. You've poked a good old plothole in my dad joke Hank I have the most wonderful good news of all time. Oh, okay. All right, Hank

I'm just gonna read you a headline from the Dallas Morning News Texas grandma kills 12-foot gator comma says she's finally avenged her miniature horse Gator, Kamma, says she's finally avenged her miniature horse. I mean, it is the rare story where the story is even better than the headline. The woman's name is Judy Cochran. She is the mayor of a town called Livingston, Texas. And she killed a 12 foot 580 pound alligator with a single shot that was in a pond and then she blamed for the murder of her beloved miniature horse.

So she blamed it is like how did her horse die? Are we not sure? Did it die of being like afraid of an alligator? Oh no, it died of being eaten by an alligator, but I don't know for sure that it was the same alligator. It might have been a different gator. Okay, so it has Judy cut, because she seems pretty legit. Yeah.

She cut this alligator open to check and see if there were any hooves in there. Oh no, the alligator ate the miniature horse three years ago. Judy has been desperately trying to avenge the death of her miniature horse three years ago Judy has been Has been desperately trying to avenge the death of her miniature horse ever since and you should see the picture saying she is just Absolutely delighted that's some princess bride stuff right there. Yeah, my name is inigo montoya prepare to die Yeah, my name is Judy I'm the mayor of this town and you wait my miniature horse prepare to die

miniature horse prepared to die. So does the story. Good to you. The Gator that ate my miniature horse had six fingers. And I can't help but notice that you do have six fingers, sir. All right. Well, thank you for the very good news, John. I'm happy for Judy. And I'm glad the miniature horse has been

avenged, though I'm somewhat sad for the alligator involved. You gotta do what you gotta do as a 12 foot gator in Livingston, Texas, but we've got questions. We need to get to John important questions like this one from Emma who asks, Dear Hank and John, I am a 20 year old college student who has just had her first peanut butter and jelly sandwich. They are amazing.

Who knew? Like literally everyone Emma. Now that I started making myself PB&J's quite regularly, I'm like wondering what the best way to do it is. Do I peanut butter both sides or just one? Do I put peanut butter around the edges to hold the jelly in? PB&J, Emma. I mean, there's, I've only ever done it one way. I also love PB and J's. It's really about like getting that good, fluffy soft white bread around the edges.

That really makes it for me. And I'm having a craving for one right now. But like, there's only one way to do this, right? Is Emma overthinking things? Yeah, you put peanut butter on one piece of bread and jelly on the other piece of bread. You do have to get the percentages, right? You got to have the correct ratio.

But once you do that, Emma, you're good. The only thing I'd say is that there has been a recent innovation in the field of peanut butter and jelly that I highly recommend called an uncrustable. I have not tried this. I've had them suggested to me a number of times by people who are very passionate Uncrustibles fans like the way I feel about Uncrustibles is the way that I hope someone anywhere feels about me someday

Like like they want to they want to heat you up take you out of the freezer Just like completely consume you as if you are a miniature horse and they are like well-foot gator Someday I want to feel the way a full foot gator feels about Judy's miniature horse Is it possible that the miniature horse just ran away and the gator has been unjustly blamed? Yeah, I mean yeah, but like also I feel like probably Judy knows what she's talking about. I know lots of people are opposed to uncrustables for various reasons, but I'll tell you, when I go to the Indy 500 every year, I pack a 12 pack of frozen uncrustables and by lap 80 they are nice and warm and I eat

all of them. Oh, you just let them, you just let them thaw out. Yeah. Yeah, I use them to help cool my beers. And then around lap 80, they're no longer ice, now they're food. Okay, I'm looking at uncrustables now. And I wanna see how they're manufactured. Oh, I assume that they're made by cutting off all of the crusts.

There's definitely a stamp. I think there's a stamp that comes down and stamps it out. Yeah, sneak peek the uncrustables. That looks like a factor. What happens to all the crusts? Do you think somewhere else in the world, Hank, there's like a community that loves only crusts? And so, smuckers sells uncrustables here

in the United States, but then somewhere else they sell crustables? No, no, John, I think that it's the United States of America and so they just put it in a bin and give it to the chickens. Like, that's true. That's almost definitely the case. I would love to go see an uncrustables factory and I do want to know what happens to the crust

when they industrially stamp these peanut butter and jelly sandwiches out of giant sheets of bread. All I know is that they're flippin' delicious. John, did you know that the J.M. Smucker Company is manufacturing a new plant in Brongmont, Colorado that will make uncrustables. It's scheduled to be completed in 2019. It's great to know that Smuckers is planning for the uncrustable long run. All right, Hank, this next question comes from Mary who writes, Dear John and Hank, this year my high school is offering free vaccines for flu season.

Now, there are obviously a bunch of pros in this situation. Vaccines are important for keeping you healthy. It's convenient because it's happening at my school. It's free, but there is one con. I hate shots. Mm, I know it's just a little prick, but it's like I can feel all the antigens flowing into my bloodstream

and then you feel all numb afterwards and the nurses look at you like you're a freaking five-year-old and just about everything about vaccines makes my skin crawl. Do you have any tips or tricks to help me cope with shots or science that can reassure me? It may not be Christmas, but I'm still Mary. Mary. Mary, I think one is how much better it's gotten. And so I try to remind myself that back in the day, like needles were bigger and thicker and like rougher like at the microscopic level. And so shots used to hurt much worse than they do now. And I just think about all the people who had to get shots that were worse than the shots I had to get. That's helpful.

I also think it's helpful to remind yourself how much it sucks getting the flu. And you're not like guaranteeing yourself to not experience that misery, but you are decreasing your chances of experiencing that misery. And maybe even more importantly, you're decreasing the chances that other people

who are extremely vulnerable to death from the flu are going to experience that death. And that really helps me out when it comes to getting my flu shot because I also don't love needles, I don't love shots, but I do love slightly increasing the chances that people in my community will survive when otherwise they might have died. Another thing I'd say is like repetition, like doing the thing eventually, it becomes less unpleasant. Oftentimes, this has happened for me like eight years ago, I started taking a medication or I had to get my blood taken pretty frequently.

And when I started doing that, it was, I really hated it and I dreaded it every time. And now I show up and I'm like, oh, Steve, and he's like right arm or left. And then it's like washing the dishes. Like it's not what I wanna do in any given day, but it's not like something that I super dread. John, I have another question for you.

It comes from Paige who asks, do you hear Hank and John, my roommate and I disagree on a fundamentally important question that could change our futures forever is you to a boy band. She says, yes, they are a group of men who started the band as boys, but I completely disagree. It's you too. They aren't like in sync or the back street boys there. You too. I made

out of trees. Page. Wait, wait, I feel like page buried delete. Wait, are you a tree? Oh, it's going to pay you a house. A page of paper. I thought that, yeah. All right, it's not literal. Yeah, not literal. Well, it's funny that you should ask this question, Paige, because Robert Smith, the lead singer of the cure, formed the cure when he was 17 years old. Oh. And several other members of the cure,

I believe were also technically children when they began curing way back in the mid 1970s. I would argue that the cure are not a boy band, even though they were once composed of all boys. Yeah, I feel like there's this pretty specific definition of boy band and it isn't the band made of boys. It is a band that was manufactured by adults, by putting boys into like by recruiting boys to be in a band. Correct. Like the monkeys were a boy band

because they were manufactured. The Beatles were not a boy band because they met and formed a band together. Yeah, to me it's a central fact of the boy band story that the boy band was formed by some usually exploitative adult trying to extract value from these young people's talent. And also intrinsic to the boy band story is the eventual rejection of that that overlord and then being able to go off and be creative from out under the shadow of the created institution. And then later coming back into the created institution and be like, we are the Backstreet Boys and we will tour together because we are people.

And we can do that and we love our fans and we love making things. And I now I wanna go see a Backboys Band concert. Sounds like a great Back, back boys band concert. That sounds like a great back street boys cover band. Yeah, it's funny how even though many different boy bands have lived that boy band narrative, I am not yet tired of it. Like I can't help it.

I love to see America build a celebrity up, tear that celebrity down and then build them back up again. All right, hey, we got another question. This one comes from Jean, who writes to your genre, and Hank, how am I supposed to behave when people are singing happy birthday to me? I mean, I have had 38 birthdays, and I still can't tell you. I guess you just sit there, like, with a dumb smile on your face, and you're like, thanks everyone for paying attention to me.

Could you sing this song slightly faster? Well, I have two observations about this, Hank. First, almost every time in life, when you feel like people are looking at you and paying attention to you and gauging your every facial expression, you're wrong. And you just need to calm down and remind yourself that it's okay and everyone is obsessed with themselves

and not thinking about you. But when people are singing happy birthday to you, you can't reassure yourself that way. Like they are looking at you and you do have to like try to put on a face that is appropriate for the situation that you find yourself in. And whenever I have that problem,

the problem that people are actually looking at me, I turn to one mentor. And do you know who that is Hank? No, it's the Queen of England. The Queen of England always has people looking at her. And so she is incredibly good at making a face that says, I acknowledge you.

Thank you for acknowledging me and let the festivities continue. So like your eyebrows are a little lot, but not very up. And your eyes are fairly open and your smile is pleasant, but not large. And you're just like, hey, everyone's doing this. This is nice. And and thank you. And I agree that we all should be celebrating me in this moment.

I am right there with you. Good job, me. I lived a year again. That's right. That's exactly right. Just Google the Queen of England and paint that face onto your face and you'll be good. That sounds like a makeup challenge. No.

Happy birthday. I've painted the Queen of England's face onto my face. That's the only way I can feel comfortable while you guys are singing to me. You show up to your birthday party and people are like, you, you do look a year older. Wow. Yeah, you do look a year older. Wow. Yeah, it's been a while since I've seen you.

This next question is a science question, so it's just for me. Dear Hank and John, why is it that when there's a black frame in a movie or TV show or whatever, for example, the opening scene of fellowship of the ring, my computer screen looks different than when it's just turned off? Isn't black just the absence of light? Why not have those pixels not emit light?

Nothing rhymes with gearstand. Do you know the answer to the question John? I don't know. It's because the pixels don't emit light. The pixels change the color of the light as it passes through. So in a laptop screen or any almost any modern display, it's just a uniform sheet of LEDs or some other light emitting thing behind this film and it can only be on or off. Some of them can have intensities of brightness in different areas and that allows for deeper blacks.

But usually it's just, we are, this is just a giant lamp that I'm looking at that is shining at me. And then the thing that lays on top of it changes the color of the light as it passes through. And so black is the liquid crystal display trying to block as much of the light as it can, but that light is still there behind it.

Oh, interesting. It's kind of a metaphor. That light is always there, John, but sometimes it is trying to be blocked by the intro screen of the Lord of the Rings movie. Yeah, exactly. I don't even have to explain it. It's a perfectly self-explanatory.

This next question comes from Aliano, who writes, Tearshawn and Hink, why do people hate raisins? I've always enjoyed raisins, but it seems that very few people enjoy them as much as I do. What don't people like about them?

Do you guys like raisins or hate them? You know what I think about raisins, John? I think there's a lot of dried fruit in general. Is that like once upon a time, it was hard to find something tasty and sweet. And now it's everywhere. I could just go get a twizzler. I could have a fudge round right now.

I could just drink pure sugar water for 50 cents a can. And so back in the day, a raisin was like, oh my God, there's so much sweetness in one place. And now we're like, look at this trash ball. That basically is trying to be a twizzler but failing. Okay, I have two problems with everything you just said. First off, I don't understand why you're celebrating twizzlers, which are literally the worst candy.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Change it to jelly belly or the M&M or whatever you like. I don't understand why you're celebrating twizzlers, which are literally the worst candy. Hahaha. Change it to jelly belly or lemon emmon em or whatever you like. No, anything is acceptable except for twizzlers, which aren't sweet. They taste like twizzlers. No, twizzlers taste like you told someone without taste buds to make something that tastes like strawberry sweetness.

I like twizzlers and we're just gonna have to agree to disagree. Okay, well you're objectively wrong, but the other thing is that you're objectively wrong about raisins. What do you mean? I'm not saying they're actually trash balls. I'm just saying that people, like nowadays, it's just too easy to get sweet stuff.

And so we're like, oh, me a raisin cookie. I can have a chocolate tip cookie. So my son recently had to do a project for school where he was learning about facts and opinions. Really everyone should take this course. The difference between facts and opinions and how you know that facts are facts and opinions are opinions.

And as part of that, he had to write out a fact about raisins and an opinion about raisins. And his fact was raisins are dried grapes. And his opinion was raisins and his fact was raisins are dried grapes and his opinion was raisins are terrible. I know it's like him like why? What is it? Yeah, because if he goes through trashballs and you could just have a chocolate chip right now, yeah, it's like what's wrong with raisins and he was like they're disgusting and I was like what's disgusting about them and he was like they just taste like dried grapes and I was like, what's disgusting about them? And he was like, they just taste like dried grapes.

And I was like, well, I mean, you're not wrong. That's correct, good, good. So his argument is that the grape is a good fruit. And since we live in a world of abundance where we don't have to dry our fruit to make it last longer that we should just eat grapes, but I quite like raisins. And by the way, Aliana, don't let anybody tell you what kind of foods to like, except when it comes to twizzlers.

Ha ha ha ha ha. We got a question, John. It's from Ilsa, who asks, dear Hank and John, my friend is a problem that is sort of my fault. And I need some dubious advice. It started when she told me that there was a boy in her orchestra, who she randomly had the number for. And she wasn't sure why.

So she's got phone number, doesn't know why she has a phone number, but he plays cello and is apparently pretty cute. And she asked me what to do. I have a cute cello player's phone number and I need to know what to do. So Ilsa said that she should text, thank you for signing up for the daily cello pun service or something like that. And then text him cello puns. She started this service, which is just for one person,

and always great, but she has run out of puns. Google is not helping and we need you to save this fake subscription and give us more puns. Ilsa, John, can I go ahead and question Ilsa's strategies? Yeah, I guess I just don't understand contemporary courtship because I thought that when you had a kind of interest in someone, you would talk to them, maybe via text messages, but talk to them as yourself,

not as a cello pun service, an imaginary service. He didn't sign up for it, but apparently hasn't unsubscribed from, so that's good. So, that's good. No, I mean, the good news is he likes it. I think it's time to end the cello pun service and send out a message that says,

Hi, this is the end of the cello pun service, but the beginning of talking to me an actual human being who you met once and gave probably gave your number to, and I'm wondering if perhaps you would be interested in a, if you will, a string duet. Okay, well at least you got a kind of pun in there. Also, the other good news is that I've tweeted

in the meantime, well, John was doing that, that I needed some cello puns for love, and I've gotten 106 replies. Do you want to hear some of them, John? Desperately. You could have your friend text to the cute cello player, Netflix and cello, or when life gets you lemonade, you can make lemon cello. Oh, God. I don't care that our families are against our union. Let's cello-pe-together. She, all right, that's it.

I'm calling it. It's the end of the cello puns. Ilsa, this has to stop both for me and for this poor cello. There's always room for cello. Oh, God, it won't stop. It won't end. But we have the next question the next question it comes from I Don't know who I just have to I can't I why do I hate puns so much something about G strings nope?

Nothing about G strings this next question comes from I Well, I can't find one We have so many questions. I know that's why I'm panic. I'm gonna blind panic. I can't find one. We have so many questions. I know, that's why I'm panicked. I'm an applying panic. I can't even look. Uh, okay, I found one. This next question comes from Emily who writes,

Dear John and Hank, I recently started a new job at a marketing firm where I primarily write their blogs. This is great because I graduated college with a bachelor's in writing, but it isn't great because I don't have any experience in marketing, which is the topic of all these blogs I have to write. As people who often give advice on topics you know nothing about, what tips do you have for someone who has to give advice on a topic they know nothing about?

Pumpkins and penguins, Emily. I feel like that was a bird. No, I like it. I like it. Emily, take a lesson from Hank Green and just sound confident whenever you talk. That's right. That's right.

No one really knows what marketing is, Emily. That's a great point. That's a great point. And like, really what marketing is, is trying to give people to pay attention to you. So anytime you are blogging, you are doing marketing. You're trying to get people to, you're marketing, you're marketing is what you're doing. What I would do in this situation is I would ask some of the people you work with if you

can interview them about their areas of expertise because then it's a chance to get a blog post and you learn something about marketing along the way. That's wonderful, John. Hi, Fives. That's like that's such along the way. That's wonderful, John. Hi, Fives. That's like, that's such a good idea. That's like so antithetical to the spirit of the question where we're giving good advice on something we know nothing about. That shouldn't have been possible.

I mean, I would submit that I know way more about marketing novels than about writing them, but your point is well taken. They do get you involved in the marketing process, John. I have been surprised by how many times the people I work with whose jobs are like head of publicity or marketing have been like, what should we do? Yeah, well, they want to work with you in a way that makes sense for you. Yeah, I keep forgetting that we are about to go on tour for your first novel. This is crazy. How did this happen?

I realized that you spent years and years writing the book, and that's how it happened, but I am so excited to go on tour for not my thing. Maybe that's why I'm feeling more stressed about it, because it's my thing, and I feel very responsible for the quality of the stage show, which I have spent the last week designing and I think is very good but also it's sort of complicated because I've been wanting to make it quite good and that makes me more stressed because it's like if it's not good I worked pretty hard

on a thing that nobody likes which reminds me that this podcast is brought to you by the absolutely remarkable thing book tour which tickets are available right now, and probably still available for all the New York show, which is happening tomorrow when this podcast comes out, and also a lot of other places that we'll be going to. And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by the absolutely remarkable thing, tote bag and sticker, literally available right now

at dftba.com. It's really good. I designed them both myself. So I guess I shouldn't have said it's really good in that very confident way. But here I am. I'm me. Yeah. No, just keep being yourself. I love, I love your confidence. I also love that when you are under immense stress and there is a lot going on in your life, your reaction is to just do more. So you're like, I'm gonna make a bunch of videos. I'm gonna design some merch for my book.

I'm gonna plan a complicated like stage show with 17 costume changes and lots of audio and visual cues that I'm sure won't be problematic at all. And I'm gonna, it's great. Like my response to being under a lot of stresses to turtle response where I'm like, I bet if I hide under my desk,

no one will find me. I did have that impulse the other day for the first time where I was like, my neighbor is working on his siding, like he's nailing up siding right now. I'm like, I should just go over and help him put on his siding, like he's nailing up siding right now. I'm like, I should just go over and help him, help him put up his siding, because like I could do that. I know how to use a hammer.

And then no one would be able to find me. They'd be like, where's Hank? They wouldn't ever think that I was on, on my neighbor's roof, like tapin' down shingles. Yeah, no, I mean, I literally did a version of that after I came home from the turtles all the way down to her I was like that was weird and really intense and I think that I'm going to demolish this small building in the back yard of my house and I'm going to use the bricks from it to make a path

And I did this. That sounds like my area of expertise. Yeah, I worked like 60 hours a week on that path for like a month. And then at the end of it, I remember I put the last brick down and I looked up and I was like, that was an excellent use of my time. Like a genuinely excellent use of my one brief flicker of consciousness. And all the time I walk on that path now, it takes exactly one minute to walk the path. And I walk on that path now and I think like, oh, what a great month that was.

So anyway, when you get back from tour Hank, I'm sure there's going to be a lot of equivalents to that that you can turn to if you want to. But what you're probably going to do is like write it on the book, make 600 Hank channel videos, and design some merch. Yeah, that does seem more unlikely. This next question comes from Delphine, who asks Dear Hank a John. I recently graduated from college and I just accepted an internship at a great company for the next six months. I really like working here, but I really want to know how do I make friends with the people I work with. They're all in their mid to late 20s and the place is super creative and relaxed.

Every day I do my very best to get all the work I'm given done and to try to learn all the software that I need to work with in my free time. But what I really want to know is how do I become part of their conversations and their jokes. Whenever I'm with my boss, it seems like the only thing we could talk about is the weather. What's your advice for an intern trying to make lasting impression? Sincerely, the Oracle of Delphina. I think this is hard. I don't have a good answer. I mean, I guess you need to know how social interaction happens at your office and in any situation where you're coming into an existing social space, there won't be

an immediate place for you, and it's been created without you. So there's institutional knowledge, like inside jokes, and just culture and values that you're not aware of. And so this is necessarily hard. And I think coming into it thinking, how am I going to make a lasting impression? It's probably not the right way to like secure, if you like this job. Like that might not be the right mindset to be in. Like, how do I make everyone remember me? Is like there are lots of ways to make them remember you that will not make people want to work with

you. Right. So like definitely be focused on like making life easier for your coworkers, try to figure out what their challenges are and commiserate with them on those challenges and also help them out with those challenges. But also, where are the places and times when socializing happens? Are there meetings that are fairly small that are also pretty relaxed?

And people are not just talking about work but also sort of building company culture. And can you be in those meetings? Can you make a reason for yourself to be in a meeting like that? And also just accepting that it's going to take a while for you to become a part of and to understand the culture and values of the place where you work. And that is just a part of being new at a place.

And six months is actually a pretty short time to try to get all that done in. So don't put too much pressure on yourself if it doesn't feel like at the end of the six months, like you've become like an intrinsic part of the company because it does take a while. Yeah, I would focus on being helpful. I think that's by far the biggest thing you can do in an internship is crush the internship part of the internship and the interpersonal stuff should accompany that rather than the interpersonal stuff

leading it. Right. And I think there might be sometimes a little bit too much in our minds, we think like, oh, I'm going to like, I'm going to keep my job because everyone likes me, but that's not really how it works, especially sort of in modern-day business. Like, you keep your job because you're doing a good job of it. All right, Hank, I want to ask you this question from Abby who writes, do you, John, and Hank? A couple months ago, I got a pet frog and I named him Hank.

Ah, Hank. That is very sweet. Now Hank is dead. Okay, well Hank was Hank eaten by an alligator. Can we avenge him? Is there a 12-in-alligator I can shoot? No Hank died due to organ failure. And I was wondering if I should get another frog and name him John or if John would rather share his name with another animal. Your favorite NCIS character, Abby.

That name, specific sign off, is sort of lost on me as I've ever seen the program. Yeah. That's, it may very well be my favorite NCIS character. I cannot really come up like a can't conjure a visual image of any of them. There's a man right there. Right. And a woman who is too old to have pig tails. It's the latter. All right Abby, here's the deal.

I would love it if you named a pet after me. It would be one of the great joys of my life to know that somewhere there is somebody who thinks enough of my work to name their pet after me. I don't want a frog because I'm concerned that it will die after just two months of Oregon failure. Yeah, what I want is pretty simple and pretty straightforward Abby. I want you to get a miniature horse and I want you to name it John.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That sounds like a big ask. Nope. I gotta be honest.

Abby, I'm gonna need you to acquire some pasture land. But not too much. You also can't have one miniature horse, I'm gonna need you to acquire some pasture land. But not too much. You also can't have one miniature horse, John. They need friends. Yeah, Hank. Hank, the other miniature horse. Oh, okay, I'm in now.

I like it. I'm on board. This is cute. John and Hank, the miniature horses, in wherever you live, Abby. And if you live in a city, don't worry. Just buy the house next to you, tear it down, and put in some pasture land.

Yeah, they're small horses, it's fine. If you live near like a bayou, or some swamp land, do be concerned about that, though. This is a new concern of mine, but it is a legitimate concern that miniature horses are gator food. Oh my god, have you seen how small miniature horses are? They can be really small. Oh my god, these are the cutest things I have ever seen in my whole life. Oh god! Oh, I might need to- oh, oh, they're a dork! Oh my god! And now it all makes sense. Now you understand how an alligator could totally eat that, especially because they don't look like they

would be particularly good at anything. Oh, and if somebody ate one of my miniature horses, I would be so angry. My anger would burn with the fire of a thousand suns. Your anger would burn with at least one shotgun, I bet. Oh, I absolutely, I would find it. I'm looking at a picture of a baby riding a miniature horse, and the miniature horse is no snuggling with a Clyde's Dale, and I might die. Ha, man.

And if somebody ate that miniature horse, if an alligator ate that miniature horse, you can, you better believe that I would hire someone to kill that alligator. And if a baby... I think that was the best joke I have ever told, and you didn't laugh. I don't, you must not have heard me.

I was finding the picture. I was looking for the picture. I found it. And if an alligator ate that Clyde's tail, I would definitely just let the alligator take over the world. Yeah. It's in charge now. Yeah.

Congratulations, you are president. I vote for you. Oh man, I'd love to do one of the bad things about being a human Hank is that you can't run a bunch of really high quality simulations about what would happen if you did X or Y. And so you make decisions without having all of the information that you need to make the decision. Yep. But I would love to run a simulation where in the year 2020 we all just elect an alligator to be president and we see what happens. Yes. I would also 100% like to see the results of that

simulation. I would not like to see the results of that in a way that I could not escape from it. Right, exactly. I don't want to bet the farm on an alligator president, but I'm definitely interested in an alligator president. Hank, before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I do want to share one other email from a listener named Jess. So you might remember in a recent episode,

we advised someone who was attending a wedding and was nervous about a bouquet throw to just get in with everyone else, and was nervous about a bouquet throw to just get in with everyone else, but intentionally not catch the bouquet. For those who are unaware, there's this weird tradition in at least American weddings, where the bride throws her bouquet of flowers and whoever catches that bouquet is supposed to be the next person to get married. Anyway, Jess wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, in the last episode of the pod,

Hank theorizes what would happen if no one caught a bouquet at a wedding. That exact scenario has happened to me. I was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding, and as a single lady, I lined up for the bouquet toss. The bride gave a good backwards toss, and no one went for it. No one even jumped up and down in excitement.

We all just stood there awkwardly as the flowers flew through the air and then the bouquet landed on the floor for what felt like 30 seconds until the bride said, really? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Someone not me begrudgingly shuffled forward a few steps and picked it up. The bright side is that this is a humor story that the married couple can tell for years. So no worries Emily, don't catch that bouquet unless you darn well want to. Don't stress Jess.

And Hank, we can't share it because it has people's face in it. But it came with a picture and the picture. The picture is one of those magical things I've ever seen because every first off the bouquet is almost on the ground and all of it's still in the air, but it's like a foot off the ground. Every room is just sort of standing there with their arms at their sides staring at the bouquet as it falls. They all have their eyes right on it and they're like, I guess we're all just gonna stand here

because I don't want a bunch of flowers to decide my future And a couple people have looks have opened this day and like the young woman in the green dress She looks it looks like it kind of might get close to her and she's literally recoiling She's like it's gonna bounce toward me. What is it? Do I have to catch it? What if it just touches me? And then the woman in the black skirt, she's looking like she's holding one arm up to her heart and she's looking at it like, oh God no, oh God, oh God. I think she's like, nobody's going for it.

She has stood well to the side because she's like, I'm not gonna be anywhere near that. But all the people who are a little bit closer just like, half smile. Yeah, yeah, half smile. Yeah, oh man. Nobody wants that bouquet All right, John you got any aFC lumbleton news for me. Oh God. It's terrible So Hank aFC Wimbledon have entirely new players, but somehow we don't have entirely new results yesterday as we're recording this Wimbledon played the swan Z Under 21 team in the football league trophy which because

Under 21 teams from the Premier League are now allowed to play in it has become an absolute joke We lost one nil, but I would argue this is good news because I don't want to move out of the group in this I want to be able to focus on competitions that matter. So in our most recently game we lost three, two, to Skunthorpe, it's just been a real struggle. And I'm worried. I am like officially worried. We really need to get through this season

still in the third tier of English football because next season midway through the year, if everything happens on schedule, the new stadium will open, and that's gonna be such a huge moment in the history of Wimbledon, and I really, really, really want us to be a third to your team. I'm trying to do my part by increasing the sponsorship that we have by making an absolutely remarkable thing,

the training kit sponsor for AFC Wimbledon. But of course, sponsors can only do so much. So, Wimbledon are struggling along. Hopefully form will improve soon. Okay. I mean, anytime you guys score, I feel good. Like it was that like that goal drought that made me the most worried.

Yeah, like the month of November when they had to cancel the goal of the month celebration due to having had no goals. Yeah. So I didn't like that. And I feel like if you're losing two, three, basically, that's like in most situations where you score two goals in a soccer game, you win. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah, that is probably correct, or at least tie. Yeah, so I just feel like

situations like that, you know, it's just went down to bad luck. And so if we have had some bad luck in the beginning of the season, and hopefully things will turn around, Hank, I am anxiously awaiting the news from Mars because I've been, I'm worried that the death nail, the official death nail is going to come any day now. Well, we're not going to talk about opportunity today because there isn't any new news. I've set us all up for the sort of path that we must take and NASA is going through the motions waiting to hear back. But the news that I'm reporting today is a survey. So a survey was carried out in August on adults in the United Kingdom. And the survey was supposed to be representative of people who will be adults in the UK in

2026. And it found that of the people who will be of age to go to Mars in 2026, not that that's going to happen, but fingers crossed, 50% of men and 30% of women would be happy to go on a return trip to Mars. I feel like this is a very high percentage and that people have not been correctly informed as to what this entails. Totally. And also, there are currently,

many of them are currently like 12. That's true, it's true, number of them are children. And as for a one-way trip, 40% of men said that they would definitely or probably want to go on a one-way trip to Mars and 20% of women. First of all, this just makes me less optimistic about men, but very high percentages in both cases. I mean, like, saying yes, I want to go die on Mars. That's a lot of people saying yes. Yeah, I think that in addition to having to die on Mars, there's the other problem, which is that life on Mars for years or decades would likely be very difficult.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's an interesting thing to me. Like, people who kind of want to sign up to do something very hard, even though there are lots of very hard things you could do right here on Earth, but to feel like you're doing something really awful, but it's exceptional at the same time. And that thing is really interesting to me where people, and it's entirely in your own mind, right? Like doing terrible, difficult, unpleasant,

manual labor on Mars is the same action as doing it on Earth. But no one wants to do it on Earth, but I think a lot of people would sort of feel like more okay about doing it on Mars because it has that layer of like, you know, like doing a thing that has never been done. And also, I'd like potentially setting up humans for this new adventure. Even if you're not going to sort of enjoy the good parts of the adventure. Yeah, one of the things I like about humans is that we are explorers. We can't kind of can't help but try to find

what's on the other side of things. Like we're just incredibly curious. And I like that about us. I like that we're willing to let our curiosity take us to risky, dangerous places. And in a way, that's why we've become such a successful species. I mean, the reason humanity spread across the planet in the first place was because we were curious in a way, that's why we've become such a successful species. I mean, the reason humanity spread across the planet in the first place was because we

were curious in a way that other species of the genus Homo weren't. Yeah. And I do hope that it takes us to Mars and I am very... I'm in awe of the people who will sign up for that because I'm not one because I get puke going on elevators. Yeah, no because I'm not one because I get puke go on an elevator. Yeah, no, I'm also out on that, but I do hope, I desperately hope that I live to see the day when human beings first set foot on Mars and that I am there to celebrate it with you. Like that is something that I would fly to wherever you are to see you see it.

to wherever you are to see you see it. Whew, that makes me very nervous. Well, I mean, you know, we would also just be hanging out, so... No, everything, everything. Yeah, no, I just like the idea, like just watching curiosity land made me extremely nervous. Oh, that was so exciting. Oh, God, that was such a fun day. Yeah, it really was. Yeah.

Alright, well Hank, congratulations on your book. The book is an absolutely remarkable thing. That's both its title and its description. I'm so excited for everybody to read it. Thanks for potting with me Hank. Thanks to everybody for listening. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosie on a Hoss Roehawson and shared in Gibson.

Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonisiorno. The music that you're listening to right now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown don't forget to be awesome.