Dear Hank & John - 159: The Horrifying Five-Tined Fork

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

How do I get out of this maze? What do I do with this cello? When will I stop having to call my mom to help me figure out life? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn We're now on Twitter! Follow us at twitter.com/dearhankandjohn.

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Thor is I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast for two brothers, answer your questions, give you a new advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, I was recently in Jamaica and I got a pie, a piece of pie, it was a dollar 50, and then I went to the Turks and Kekos,

and I got some pie, and it was $2. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. So, I mean, that joke, like your level of enthusiasm, glides a bit to be desired. Does it sound like maybe I performed that joke a number of times while on tour? It does, but mostly it sounds like you're very tired. I am very tired, John.

I have a cold and a cough and I want to sleep, but also I want to make a podcast with you. So I had to choose and I chose this one. Well Hank, I have some great news for you. Some really heartwarming uplifting news. Oh yeah. There are going to be catastrophic consequences to climate change. I have some great news for you some really heartwarming uplifting news. Oh, yeah There are going to be catastrophic consequences to climate change This is not how the bit works wait for it Hank

Okay, if we do not dramatically decrease carbon emissions So as to limit global warming to 1.5 degrees Celsius over pre-industrial levels, but But but but if you go to EuroNews.com, you'll discover, I'll just, I'm just going to quote from the story, Hank, while Britain's scorching summer has left some concern about global warming, England's sparkling wine industry has seen its best ever harvest. All right, that's right, Hank, for Get Champagne down there in France. England is the next hotspot for sparkling wine.

The conditions said Mark Harvey, managing director of the wine's business at Chapel Down, have been frankly perfect. Well, I mean, I'm not saying that there's not going to be maybe some good news from Global Warming. that there's not gonna be maybe some good news from global warming. Like, I live in a very cold place, less harsh winter would be appreciated. It's just gonna be a little bit more fire-z. Yeah, the fire season was just gonna have more of the fire part. Well, let's answer some questions from our listeners, because I have no comfort to offer. You this question comes from Delaney who writes, dear John and Hank, I just started listening

to your podcast last week and so far I'm a huge fan. Thanks for that qualified vote of confidence Delaney. I work at a maze. What? I work at a maze, okay. I work at a maze. And today it was my job to clean it out. Wait, what?

Double what? Those are dirty maize. What? What? What? Okay, I was given a map to help me go through it, but there's an issue. I don't know how to read a map. I've been in this 2.7 mile maze. Wait, what? Where? Hank, Google 2.7 mile maze and try to figure out where we are right now in the world. Okay. I've been in a 2.7 mile maze for over an hour and I'm starting to get nervous. Question mark, should I call my boss or just keep on wandering until I find my way out?

Or should I just follow a family that looks really confident? I think you've definitely figured out the solution. It appears to me, John. There's only one maze, one corn maze that is 2.7 miles that I have found. No, there's two. There's two. So it's either the Bella Organic Pumpkin Patch

in a Salvy Island, 13 miles from downtown Portland, or it's the MLB to PDX Corn Maze. Oh no, that's the same one. It's the same one. Oh, I see a 2.7 mile Corn Maze in Massachusetts on Saw Chuck Farm. Okay, so it might be that too. Turns out there's a surprising number

of 2.7 mile corn mazes in America. For those of you who don't know the United States, let me introduce you to a crazy idea. What if a country grew so much corn that it intentionally destroyed some of that corn in order to build a maze because our corn is now tall enough that we can't see over the top of it. And so it's now a Halloween tradition. Yeah. I don't know. They don't have that in other places. That's just an American thing. We do have a lot of corn here. I don't know. It's a corn-heavy economy here in the U.S. Delaney, you're going to follow a family. And at some point, they're going

to turn to you and say, may I help you? And you say, I work here. And then hopefully, there'll be cool with it. And you're gonna make your way out of the maze. Ultimately, that's, isn't that worse to be like, I work here, I am lost. You know what I do when I'm lost in a corn maze? I have done this on a couple of occasions. I just start plowing through corn.

That is ultimately always an option. That's a nice thing about corn mazes. You can walk through corn, just like you can walk through a corn field. And ultimately, you'll be able to get out of the thing if it comes to that. But, I mean, at least you're getting a lot of good cleaning done unless you're just sort of like walking around

the same loop over and over again, which is totally possible because it appears that this corn maze has a baseball in it. What? A large baseball. Like if you look at it from the sky. Oh, you're looking at a large baseball

that has been drawn and you might just go around that baseball loop a bunch. And then you're gonna get out of the corn maze and your boss is gonna be like, so did you clean every bit of the corn maze and you're gonna be like, I have no idea. I need a GPS. Yeah, like, listen, it's 2018. Don't hand me a paper map.

This person was almost certainly born in the 21st century. Like they've probably never held a paper map before. Delaney probably like got the map and was like, what is this physicalized experience I'm being asked to have? Why? Also, why are people being so disrespectful to the maze that you need to clean it so freely? Can we just all agree to clean up after ourselves

when we're inside of a maze? And now let's do a question from Kaylee who asks, Dear Hank and John, my boyfriend won't register to vote. He turned 18 in December, and ever since his birthday, I've been telling him to register. He says he won't, because his voice doesn't matter. Oh, oh. I was wondering if you could try to convince him to vote and educate him on the importance of the matter. P.S., he said that if you answered the question, he would register.

I just recently introduced him to the pot and he's in love, sincerely just Kayleigh. Well, I guess we did it. We're done, boom. Yeah, but here's why you register to vote. Because all of the people who say my voice doesn't matter, add up to like 40 or 50% of the electorate. And if they voted, if they understood that their individual voice is part of a larger collective,

if they voted, then we would have better governance that more closely reflected the actual values of the United States. So, it's not just about you. It's about, yeah, the community that you live in. I think that we can get really caught up in individualism in America. We're an individualist country, and I don't think that there's anything wrong with like people understanding that them as one person can really change and affect the world. But I also like, I've always thought of this as like, if the cognitive whatever that

is in the way of me voting is also in the way of other people voting. Like this kind of, for me, an effect were like, if I get over that, then I assume that other people will and we will together be an important part of the electorate. And I know that that's abstract. And I don't know how much it reflects reality, but that's how I feel. I feel like me, like figuring out how to get myself to engage with the process is in a way like reflected in lots of other people who are going through those same mind things. And so like we are together doing a thing

that is going to be important and is going to change things. Yeah, I completely agree. The last thing I'll say about this is that when you vote, you are not just voting for yourself and for your community. You're also voting in a way that's going to affect things for lots of people who can't vote because US policy makers shape lots of things outside of the United States. So yeah, please vote, please vote, please make a plan to vote. If you're worried about whether you're going gonna vote, get an accountability partner, text a friend,

and say, you and I are going to figure out this voting thing together. Vote. Sometimes people will say to me that it's all about the corporations and they're the ones with the power, but while they can't spend money trying to change the outcome of elections, they can't vote. That, they can influence the people, but the people

are the ones who decide, and that means your boyfriend, Kaylee. Corporations can also try to keep people from voting, try to discourage people from voting, and let me submit that, well, I've heard from a lot of young people that they think they're sticking it to the man somehow by not voting. The only way to actually stick it to the man is to do what they don't want you to do, which is vote. Okay, moving on, this next question

is from Ryan. Sorry, I got a little emotional. Dear John and Hank, I've recently been invited to an art gallery with a friend. I haven't seen for a year. How do you make an entertaining and respectful companion in an art gallery? Ooh, ooh. This is actually one of my areas of expertise. Yeah, I never go to art galleries unless it's with someone I'm quite close to. I don't know, I need your help, John. I also need help with this. That seems like a weird friend date.

I love it as a friend date or as a romantic date because it's a chance to hang out together and share an experience and you can have conversation but you can also have quiet time. Ryan. I would air on the side of quiet Especially if you don't know a lot about art the first one went to an art gallery was when I had a crush on Sarah And she was managing a gallery in Chicago and she was like we have a an art opening You should come and so I did and I went alone and first off there was free wine Which I And I went alone and first off, there was free wine, which I felt like I'd hacked the system.

There was free wine everywhere. And then I went to like a different gallery that was on a different floor of the same building. And there was free wine there. And I was like, does this just go on all night? And it does. Anyway, what I would do, Ryan, is I would listen. Listen, especially if the person that you're with knows more about art than you do, Ryan, is I would listen. Especially if the person that you're with

knows more about art than you do, listen and then respond to what they say, rather than like offering your own opinions. Or if you do offer your own opinions, make them impressionistic. Don't try to seem smart. Just try to respond to the art, the way that you respond to it emotionally or intellectually.

Don't try to seem like you know about art because down that path lies ruin. Yeah. Yeah. Just, you know, that's something that I had to come to terms with as an appreciator of art, like that I'm not here, that like the value that I can provide in terms of like having an emotion about a piece of creation is not like my critique. It's not like within the context of everything that I know. It's like, I like that.

Why do I like that? What is it that I like about that? Or I don't like that. Or like, I didn't like it at first, but then now I'm starting to like it. Or I like it from far away, but close up I don't like it as much. So letting my opinions happen and then doing a little bit of analysis for why, it's more about me than it is about like trying to understand what art is. And that helped me a lot in sort of getting over the pretension that I sometimes think we can feel about art. Yep, I totally agree.

So thanks for helping me work through that, John. Well, I'm happy to do it if I can. This next question comes from Laura who writes, Dear John in Hank, I'm making spaghetti and I'm curious about the most efficient way to boil water. When I'm filling the pot with water from my sink, is it more or less energy efficient for me to use the hot water tap? What about if I fill my the pot with water from my sink, is it more or less energy efficient for me to use the hot water tap?

What about if I fill my spaghetti pot with water from my electric kettle, which is nearly boiling? Thanks for your advice on this incredibly pressing matter, Laura. Mmm. Uh, it depends. I actually know about this, John. I know the actual answer to this question. So it's not-

I also know the answer. Oh. Oh, we're gonna have to brag. We're gonna fight about it. Well, there is only one answer, which is that you use cold water from the tap that you then heat on the stovetop.

Yeah, probably that's more efficient. If you're talking about, because of course the hot water that comes out of your tap comes from your hot water heater, which was also heated, Your hot water heater is probably more efficient than your stove top is, but in the process of getting from your hot water heater to your tap, you probably lose a lot of energy, warming up the pipes and stuff.

So it's probably better to put it, but it might not be, it depends. Like it's pretty close, but your kettle is definitely more efficient than your stove at heating water. So this is actually, I do this all the time. It's also faster. I heat water in my electric kettle

and then I pour it into my pot. And then like use the pot to do the last little bit of boiling it. And that is more efficient because kettles are better at heating water. And it's also faster because kettles are better at heating water and it's also faster because kettles are better at heating water. Okay Hank, it's the rare occasion when you actually have helpful life hacks.

This next question comes from Nicole. I'm just gonna keep asking them. Dear John and Hank, I was recently at Hank's book tour in Milwaukee afterwards when I returned to my car. Someone had broken my car window. Nicole, I feel personally responsible for this. Oh wait, no, I wasn't at the show in Milwaukee. Nicole, this is Hank's fault.

They didn't take anything and insurance covered the fix, so it wasn't more than an inconvenience. But as soon as I noticed, I called my mom to ask what to do. I'm 25 years old, and I've always thought of myself as independent. My question is this, why do we teach that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, but not how to navigate occurrences that we may run into in our daily lives? When will I finally hit the point in my life where I don't have to call my mom every time something new happens? Somebody already used my name's specific sign off, Nicole.

Well, the answer is that you always have people in your life that you'll go to when you're confused about how to handle a situation. And that might be like a work thing, it might be a logistical, like insurance claim thing, it might be like your last will and testament. Like you need people to help you through stuff and we're all always learning. And I think part of the reason why we don't learn that stuff in school is because one, it changes a lot, like different insurance companies are different. And two, it's so much stuff. And like knowing what it's going to be

for every individual person, like we're never gonna know. Life is gonna throw different curveballs to different people. But knowing the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, that's gonna come in handy every day. Yeah, I think that's one of the things that's hard about teaching a personal finance class in high school, right?

Is that personal finance is different for almost everyone and it depends upon many, many different variables. I remember I called my dad shortly after my son was born and asked him at what point he felt like I became like a net asset in terms of being able to provide more solutions and opportunities than, you know, problems for him specifically. Yeah. And he was like, uh, I'll let you know when it happens. You were still more work than your worth, John. Yeah, which I appreciated and also think was very true. So I don't know how to answer your question really, because I definitely have not gotten to that place

of sustainable independence yet. And I also think I may never get there. And I also think the call that like, you would have found a way to figure it out if you had to. And like this was just the most convenient way that you had at the moment. And ultimately having someone, anyone there to be a help is always really nice.

And so just be thankful that you have that. This next question comes from Allison, who writes, moved out of an apartment and we went our separate ways. She left about a month before I did and purposefully left some things behind like a lamp and a cello she never learned to play. Alice and I'm sensing a bit of animosity. I don't like to read emails for tone, but I feel like maybe this didn't have its best possible ending in terms of a roommate relationship. The lamp I obviously would have some use for, but what do I do with this cello now that I'm in my new place? Do I try and teach myself how to play the cello?

Do I give it to the next person I live with? Should I sell it and donate the money to help decrease world suck? Please help a fellow with a cello, Allison. Allison, I don't know if I'm just projecting a personal experience here, but have you ever purchased, like, for example, say a drum set?

And then it sits in the corner of your office for like five years, and you've played it like two times, and you look at it every once in a while, and you're like, oh, I should probably do that. And then, but it kind of becomes like an object of resentment a little bit, because it's like that thing that I wanted to have happened is never going to happen. And to the point where like maybe if you move out, you're like, I'm just going to leave that drum set there because

that it just makes me sad now. Is that what happened with the cello? Yeah, of course, that's what happened with the cello, but we're not here to psychoanalyze Allison's former roommate. We're here to deal with the cello. And the correct way to deal with the cello is of course, to put it very prominently on a cello stand in this, whatever the central room of your new apartment is. So whenever you have a visitor,

they come in and the first thing they see is the cello and they say, oh, do you play the cello? And you say, no. Or, or, what about the long con, John? I don't know what your long con is gonna be, but here's my initial thought about the long con. What if Allison invests extremely heavily in cello lessons? Four to five hours of cello per day,

for years and years and years. Allison gets so good at the cello. She starts playing for the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra. I'm assuming that there is such a thing. And then she invites her ex-Rumate to the opening show of the Barnett Burn, Beethoven's 17th cello symphony. And it's just Allison, in front of theo symphony. And it's just... And I'll tell you something. In front of the whole symphony, just Allison cranking in front of an audience

of exactly one, because it's the night before the actual opening. And it's just Allison's ex-roomate. And it's like, you know how you never cleaned the dishes? Well, you left your cello and I just started noodling around and here I am. The greatest cello player in all of Wisconsin. Is Milwaukee in Wisconsin? It is. How was your tour visit there?

Hahaha. Hahaha. Very confusing, John. Doesn't seem like you went particularly deep. Hahaha. Oh my God. It's such a fit, like I've never, I mean, I got home from tour

and my wallet was bulging with a little bag receipt tags that you're supposed to hold onto in case they lose your bag. I had like 35 of them. Well, yeah, I mean, you went on 16 or 17 airplane flights in 13 days, It was crazy. That's why I like to travel the country in a bus. Yeah, that sounds nice.

The tour was a complete whirlwind, and I was only on half of it. And I, even though it was a week ago, I remember almost nothing, but I do have one extremely vivid memory, Hank, which is that in Canton, Ohio, you and I went to a restaurant that was also a bar, that was also a honky-tongue that had the windows named George's.

Yeah, that definitely happened. George's was the only restaurant open in Canton, Ohio when our show ended. We went there and it was the best restaurant and experience I have ever had in my entire life. I loved it very much. At the end of the night, we hadn't finished our pretzel bites and the waitress was like, Oh, do you want me to discount those? And we were like, that's not that's not how this works. She was like, you basically only ate a half order and we were like, We bought the whole order though. Like that's's what happens. That's how buying food works. I drank as many Miller lights as I wished to have.

I ate like a king, and our tab was, if I recall correctly, $36. I also got to enjoy live music. There were four of us to be clear. There were kale chips. There were kale chips. There were kale chips. Yeah. And at the end of the night,

our New York City publicist was like, I think that there's been a problem with the bill. Yeah, no, she inquired about the bill because she felt that it was too low. And honestly, I agreed with her for that level of entertainment. I would expect to pay $38 or even $39. Yeah. Anybody near Canton, go on over, see George's.

We actually saw several people, several nerd fighters, inside George's. Yeah, we did. We did. Who were like, hey, what the heck are you doing in George's? Yeah, but the Auralist. Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by George's.

George's. It's in Canton, Ohio, and it has no windows. No, it was very confusing when we first arrived. We were like, are we going into a place? This podcast is also brought to you by Nicole'sMom.com, where you can go to get life tips and advice from Nicole's Mom. Why don't, why isn't that a thing?

Tom, just like that is a really. On a file an insurance claim. Hank, of all of the terrible million dollar ideas you've ever had, that is an actually good idea. Ha ha ha ha ha. You just call when you're confused about something. You're like, I've been in a car accident and there like, here's how it works.

Today's podcast is also brought to you by Hank's Electric Kettle. Hank's Electric Kettle, it is more efficient than gas stove heat. And finally, this podcast is brought to you by Bella Organic Pumpkin Patch 2.7 miles of spotless maize. Thanks, Delaney. Thanks, Delaney. We also have a personal message to read from somebody

who donated the project for awesome. That somebody is Brian in Omaha, Nebraska, who wrote this message for Nina. You are an incredible woman and sometimes things might be tough in a new place, but I can think of no person better able to handle obstacles than you. So there you go, Nina. I hope that helps. John, we got another question. It's from Carl, who asks, Steer, Hank, and John. I recently finished an absolutely remarkable thing, available now over a book's result, and I really enjoyed it. There's a problem, however, as a person named Carl, the book was exceptionally more weird than,

I think, Hank intended. I intended it to be pretty weird. Do you have any advice on how to get the intended reading experience out of a book in which all of the characters are constantly talking about the existential impact of my existence on the human species, not 10-ital Robot from New York, Carl. I mean, it would be a weird reading experience to be named Carl, because people are talking about you in really big ways.

You know, they got a lot of opinions about you, big opinions. It reminds me of the recent tweets from Sean Spicer, but not Sean Spicer and Brett Kavanaugh, but not Brett Kavanaugh, and how they're just like, we need to have a support group for this. And Sarah Sanders is like, yeah, I'm feeling yeah. First off, Brett Kavanaugh, the Twitter user, is a very funny Twitter user. Like, he's very charming. But his most recent tweet on October 5th went viral.

It was, this is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanaugh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,'t being careful. Also, today on Twitter, Hurricane Michael is trending, but Hurricane has spelled wrong in the trending page. And I'm just like, well, I guess that's where we're at. Yeah, it's never fun to have a hurricane named after you either. So shout out to our dad, who is having to struggle with being a famous hurricane right now. I'm sorry, Mike.

Carl, I would take it as good news that Hank has chosen to lift your name up in this way and just lean into it. Be like, yeah, I am a Carl. You are a Carl. Live your Carlness. This next question comes from Emma who asks, dear Hank and John,

I'm a college freshman living on my own for the first time, so far as living with five other people can be called living on my own. Now that I'm out of the house though, I'm confronted with a predicament I'd never given much thought before. Where does the silverware go? We share a number of things between us one of which is silverware and now it's been vanishing at a remarkable rate. I hope you can help us with this DEL-EM-A! DEL-EM-A. Oh, very good. Very good, Emma. Very good.

Is this a thing? I have not lost silverware. Yeah. In the last 12 years, but I have the same silverware set since we got married, 12 years ago. Exactly, me too. And we have not needed to replenish it or anything. No.

However, in the 12 years before that, I would estimate that I lost every fork I ever encountered. It's gotta be the roommates, right? Nobody's respecting the property because it's all shared property. Well, although in my case, I was the roommate. You needed somebody in the house who you really had to maintain a strong relationship with, like because you were married to them, who would force you to be more respectful of the cutlery? I remember I moved out of one apartment,

and as I was moving out, I found like a plate underneath my bed that just had like two forks and what must have been 17-year-old fried rice. Oh God, this is the problem. This is what's occurring. Yeah, so Emma, the good news is that there's no way your rice is 17 years old

because it's your only 19 or 18. It could be worse. Yeah. Oh, I was such a filthy person. God, I mean, I wanna go back, like whenever I think about early 20s me, all I can picture is like holding a hose with extremely high water pressure

and like just washing that person. Just. Just. Just. Just. Just getting under all the state. Yeah, in their clothes, just being like, and all the hell in their head, too, like their mental health as well needs a good high pressure spray. Yeah.

Oh, God. That was a wreck. Yeah, you were. Much love to my roommates from that era. We're actually having a reunion soon, and I'm so excited, but I'm really excited. I'm really excited. I'm really excited.

I'm really excited. I'm really excited. I'm really excited. I'm really excited. I'm really excited. Yeah, you were. Much love to my roommates from that era. We're actually having a reunion soon and I'm so excited, but at the same time, I'm like, I can't believe these people are willing to be in my company again. John, I have another silverware related question that I thought was the question I was asking, but it turns out that we had good answers to both of them.

This one comes from Alvaro who asks, do you think, John, I was asking, but it turns out that we had good answers to both of them. This one comes from Alvaro, who asks, dear Hank Goodjohn, I was having lunch while looking at the fork I was using. I wondered, why aren't forks tried and shaped? Why did we need to add that extra point? Why did we stop at four points? And he do be as advice as to why I insert this miniature weapon into my mouth on a daily basis. This is greatly appreciated. Love the show Alvaro.

Hank, I actually know the answer to this question. Okay, what's the answer to the question? So when we first started using forks in around like 1500, they only had two times. Oh, that's because it was work. Like a turkey fork when you're... Dirt carbon turkey. Yeah, because every new time that you would create

was extra work, so you wanted to use the minimum number of turns. Sure, sure, that makes sense. The problem was that people would stab themselves. Like they would say it sounds extremely dangerous. The soon as you said that, I was like, ow, I don't want to put that in my mouth. They would stab the roof of their mouths, they would get it stuck between all kinds of problems. And so they were like, maybe we should have a third time and they did. And then they were like, you know what, it might be better, a fourth time. And so they were like, maybe we should have a third time and they did and then they were like,

you know what might be better, a fourth time. And it was and then they were like, you know what might be better, a fit and then everyone was like, no, that's worse. It's the exact same thing as with razors. Like remember how razors for all the human history had two blades and then the mock three came out and everyone was like, oh my God, three blades on one razor.

This is revolution. I don't know if, there are lots of people who aren't alive for this, but it was as close to a consumer product revolution as I have witnessed in my lifetime, except maybe the... People were adoption of the personal computer. They were so excited. People were so, it was such an event.

And it's so very strange to think back now were so like, it was like, it was such an event. And it's so very strange to think back now at what an event it was. It really was. It was a third blade to the mock three. I remember reading about it in Time magazine and like not in an advertisement, but like in an article. Yeah. Yeah. Man, we cared about things that are different back then. So anyway, then everybody had three blades. And one day somebody was like, now we're gonna release a razor with four blades.

And it didn't make quite as big of a splash. And then somebody was like, now we're gonna release a razor with five blades. And everyone was like, actually, this is worse. Like, let's go back to the mock three. Like that was a good number of blades. And that's exactly what happened with Forks. Oh, I wonder if it's the use of the fork

where having five times is like, that doesn't work as well, or if having five times is like, that looks like too many. It looks like a hand. Right, exactly. I don't like it. It looks like a human hand.

I'm not trying to, it's creeping me out. I'm not trying to employ a tiny child to feed me. I just want to use a fork. Yeah, this looks like a weird robot child's arm that I've taken. I'll wait in. Google fork with five times and tell me you've ever seen

anything uglier. Like I am disgusting and discerning. It's super creepy. Why is that so creepy? I'm Nauseated why don't I like that? God it's terrible reminds me of Bart Simpson's head Oh, I don't like that one either that's so strange. Why wouldn't I like that? Oh, well, there you go.

There's your answer. They're disgusting. I'm trying to score some horrifying. They are. They look very, oh my gosh. Woof. I don't know why I don't like it. I don't though.

We don't like it. We don't like it. All right, this next portion comes from Kate Hancoot, writes, do your John and Hancoot. I've recently started adding more vintage style pieces to my wardrobe You've come to the right place for advice Kate. I mean, we are well No, I don't know if you know this but I actually have a column in Vogue I'd like to complete my outfits with hats But hats that are not beanies or bulkabs are just not as popular as they used to be should I flaunt

are not beanies or bulkabs are just not as popular as they used to be. Should I flaunt ridiculous early 20th century hats in style or keep it subtle and leave the feathers, ribbons, and flowers behind? Not the one with the amazing Titanic hat, Kate. John, when you said that you had a calm and vogue, I honestly pictured that like they took a picture of a part of your house that had a call a minute, and that was invulnerable. And I was like, that's believable. Why would that be weird? Well, first off, that implies that I married

to the kind of person who would ever, ever purchase a home with a call a minute. I don't know. I realize that I've just, I realize I've alienated a huge percentage of our audience with that, but it's true. I mean, Sarah, I can't, there is maybe five things in the world that Sarah is more opposed to than exterior columns on a home.

She likes the interior ones though, just like a big pillar. Well, I mean, you know, you need something to hold up a house. Sure. Sure. No, Sarah loves a clean line. Yeah. And he hates a five-time de Fork. Oh, I mean, if you showed that to Sarah, she would, she might barf. I thought I was going to barf a little bit. It was hard. I was trying to move on. I was trying to move on to Kate's issue. Kate, I think you should go hard on hats, man. I think you should go as big as you want to go and then you dial it back as you need to

because once you have the hat, go feathers, go flowers, and then if you're like, oh, this a little bit much, then you can just go hat. It's easier to take away than it is to add. Sure. Sure, that's what everybody says about that phrase. I guess actually in the case of feathers it is pretty easy to do either. Yeah, so we have another question that's from Ashley that's similar about wanting to wear actually that's similar about wanting to wear lapel pins, like an animal pins, but not having, like, not feeling like she looks good in a gene jacket, or is a gene jacket person?

Or like, she wants to be a gene jacket person, but she doesn't feel like she is. I've thought the same way, and then I wore a gene jacket for like two days, and suddenly I was a gene jacket person. It's like, you, like you have to like do the thing to see if you're that thing. And maybe like you aren't until you are. And maybe you're, maybe you're not like a fancy hat. And maybe the world isn't gonna accept that until you do it and then they have to.

I didn't wear blue jeans for 11 years. Oh, I'm gonna hang up the phone. What's wrong with you? What, that's very confusing. This is in the same period, by the way, when I was losing a lot of forks. That's okay. Yeah.

I only wore like khaki pants with pleats, like pleated khaki pants. Oh, God. And one day my roommate Hassan was like, you need to wear blue jeans. And I was like, no, man, I'm not a blue jeans person. I, I haven't worn blue jeans in 11 years. And he said, blue jeans are comfortable.

And I said, no, I don't like the, I don't like the feel of them. I don't like, I don't, and he was like, we're going to the store and you're gonna buy some blue jeans. And I put on a pair of blue jeans. And I was like, these are great. Oh my God. And I literally have not taken off jeans in the, in the 12 years since.

I recently, not recently, within the last 10 years, put on a pair of pleated khaki pants and came out of a dressing room to show Catherine the pants that I liked, and she said, no, never, not that. And I was like, what, they're just khaki, and she's like, you're not wearing pleated khaki pants ever. And I was like, I don't know what this means.

And she's like, you don't't have to just don't do it I got I get the same response from Sarah and I know lots of people out there love pleaded khaki pants And I say love them love it with your whole heart, but Sarah and I briefly dated before we ended up dating for good and The only thing that Sarah wrote about me in her journal from the first time that we hung out was that I was wearing pleated khaki pants. Ha ha ha ha any extra information. Incapsulated everything. That's so great. That's wonderful. I also, like, I'm gonna shift back to Ashley's question,

which was actually, she said she can't wear Jean Jackets and she wants to know how to wear an ammo pins. First, I think you can pull off a Jean Jacket, Ashley. Second, I put them in my backpacks, I put them in my guitar strap, I put them on hoodies sometimes, I'm more on a hoodie right now with a little Mars Pathfinder pin, and yeah,

I think you can pin a pin on pretty much anything these days. Not anything. Like not your dog. Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I mean any item of clothing. Anything made of fabric, don't just like jam it into your knee. Yeah, that's done. I mean, you know, people take the advice of this podcast very seriously Hank. That's my bad, that's my bad. I should be more open and clear with my language.

Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, we have one vitally important update from Katie, who you'll remember once I read the email. Dear John and Hank, I just listen to you answer my question about whether or not I should go to a theme park with my long-lost friend and her dad, and I felt the need to update you. I did go. It was okay. My friend was glued to her phone the entire time, but when her phone died, she was actually quite interesting. That might be my most favorite sentence in the English language. That will also be sentence in the English language. That will also be true of the human race.

I feel like I should have that sentence printed out tattooed on the inside of my wrist, and then I should never get on the internet again. We talked a lot about college stuff and whether or not books are better than movies. And her dad was okay, but kind of eccentric and terrified of rides. So that was fun, I guess. Also, I've been stuck with a severe case of writer's block for literally years.

And your comparison to this experience being a young adult novel gave me a great idea. Much love, Katie. Katie, I cannot wait for your novel about this experience because it's gold it's gold Katie I you know what I was thinking the other day Hank I was thinking about your book which has been on my mind constantly since I Read it and I was thinking that it I used to feel When I was younger like experiences I had were incomplete until I shared them with the people I loved the most. And in a way, experiencing things alone, especially wonderful things, was partly enjoyable because I knew that I would tell people about them later,

or I would share those memories later. And now instead of needing to share something with the people I love in order for it to feel real, I have to share it with everyone. Yeah, I feel that way about thoughts sometimes. Like it's not a real thought unless I've got it to a place where it can be shared with large audience. Yeah. And that kind of limits the number of thoughts

that I feel like are Thinkable. Yeah, yeah, I'm clawed close to the edge on the internet hank. I'm close to I'm I'm we'll bring you back around No, I feel like I feel like I have had a much more Extreme response to your book than you have I feel like you maybe didn't read the parts that were about how good the internet can be. Yeah, but none of those experiences occur on an open internet that is owned and controlled by a few extremely large companies. All right, let's get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon Hank. What is the news from Mars this week? Come on Little Rover. I don't have any, I don't have any,

I just don't have, from whatever reason, I don't have any opportunity news this week. We'll talk about it next week, maybe. But I do have Mars 2020 Rover news, John. Oh, good. So they have completed the chassis, like the big box where all the things go and gets bolted onto, and that's the very important part of the

of the process of creating this this big giant rover. And the Jeopardtional Laboratory has released a very good and interesting story about how they paint this thing. So they got they have they paint it. It just, it's aluminum and the process of painting it is surprisingly manual and because, you know, it's not like they're gonna make more than one of them. And also, it is painted by a guy who paints cars. So that's how he learned how to paint things and he will, like he does like pinch-tripping and flames on cars and motorcycles.

He's even painted guitars in his career as a painter. And so this guy started out being and due to customizes the hot cars. And now works with a small team. And paints various spacecraft in addition to also steel painting cars. So he this it's a great story you can find it is like painting cars for Mars is the JPL story and you find out a lot like the lot of process goes into this process and they also have to tape so like the lot of process goes into this process and they also have to tape

so like the parts that they don't wanna get painted. So guys they're gonna be like, where is there running or where stuff's gonna get bolted onto the rover, they tape it with masking tape, like just tape you can buy at the hardware store except that they have the tape laser cut by a thing to make it exactly the right shape before they put it on. So that's, it was fascinating to hear how like

one very small step of the process for how to get a rover ready to go to Mars works and the, you know, people necessary to make that all happen. That is really cool. Is it gonna launch in 2020 or is it gonna get there in 2020 It's going to launch in 2020 or that is the plan at least. I mean, I feel like when you name it, the Mars 2020 rover, you're really committing to a timeline. They will have a different name by the time it launches. It's like if Elon Musk called the Tesla Model 3, the Tesla 2017.

Yeah, I don't know if it would have been a problem. Yeah, they'll come up with some fancy your name, like Spirit Opportunity Curiosity, by the time it launches, but that's the sort of like working operating title right now. What's a good value along with curiosity opportunity that you could name it? Careful, careful. The Mars careful rover.

There's a rock there. God, careful. Jeez. Don't drive it into the dirt. I want to, I want to create a Twitter bot that does nothing but respond to every single tweet written by every single person all day long with the word careful. That's a lot.

Well, maybe rethink that. Just give it a thought. Careful, you sure you want to share that careful. Thank the news from AMC Wimbledon is terrible. Unrelentingly terrible. Wimbledon lost to Plymouth Argyle, who are the worst team in League One. We also lost one nil to Bradford City,

who are one of the worst teams in League One. Ha, there is a lot of talk these days about change, and whether change is necessary, Wimbledon of course, have had the same manager, Neil Artley, a hero for the club, played for the club when he was a boy. Now I think six or seven years saw us rise up from league two to league one, to help us

secure survival in league two in our first year when we almost went back down to non-league football. So Neil Ardley has been an amazing manager for Wimbledon. That said, the situation is pretty bleak right now. Not a lot of goals, not a lot of excitement, not a lot of optimism. Wimbledon are just outside of the relegation zone in 20th place, 21st through 24th

will be relegated to the fourth, the 4th tier of English football, so maybe there's a spot of hope in that, but, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not great. That's good, and you got a lot of like season left, so is there stuff you can change now that can affect that? Yeah, the biggest thing that gets changed generally in these situations is the manager though. And, you know, so I think that's, it's just a difficult, here's the truth. It is really hard to run a football club effectively on a budget. Wimbledon has one of the lowest budgets in the football league. That's hard.

It's always going that's hard. It's always gonna be hard. And I think to an extent, with the current budget, there's a ceiling of how well Wimbledon can do. And in a way, they're past that ceiling. And so it's always gonna be really hard in the third tier, unless, you know, I don't know. So I don't know. I feel very conflicted about it. I like Neil Hardley a lot,

but I also understand how frustrated the fans are. Well, I don't know how to fix football teams, but I do know that you guys have got the passion and you're gonna have your new home and that's all gonna be good for the long term of the club. Yep, we just got to get to it, we got to get to Plalain. We got to get back to Plalain. Hank, thank you for potting with me. It's always a pleasure.

I agree. Even when you're sick. Yeah, I'm sorry that I'm so raspy and... Oh, I love it. I almost prefer it. I prefer it. I like having cough breaks. Okay, good. Glad I could be there for you. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

Incredibly hard-working Nicholas Jenkins, dealing not only with cough breaks, but just with our shenanigans in general. It's produced by Rosie on Huls Roehawson, shared in Gibson, our head of community and communications in Victoria, on Shorna,

the music that you're listening to now, and also the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarola. Thank you again for listening. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.