Dear Hank & John - 164: The Kurt Vonnegut Special

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

How much money should I ask for? How do I talk to my crush? Will climate change make mountains shorter? And more! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]! Check out our other podcasts in the WNYC Studios network, SciShow Tangents and The Anthropocene Reviewed. Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.

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that I also do not enjoy it when it arrives. So I guess that's a successful dad joke. I have such good news for you, which is that just today, and I'll remind you, the day is not even over yet, just today, 220,519 babies have been born. Oh, imagine all of those babies. Imagine every single one of them is cute. That's right, it's like the city of Columbus, Ohio, but populated entirely by babies. Just tiny little babies who were literally, you look at those babies and you say, what's wrong with you?

Were you born yesterday? And they're like, no, no, no, you don't understand babies and you say, what's wrong with you? Were you born yesterday? And they're like, no, no, no, you don't understand, sir. I was born today. And that's just the human babies. We're not even counting the puppies. That's right, Hank, there are so many babies in the world. And if that doesn't give you hope, I don't know what will.

I kept thinking this morning, we have to make the world better for all of these babies. Yeah, John, I think that's one of the big reasons why we are, you know, as the species build things instead of destroying things, because we're gonna make life better for the babies. John, do you wanna make life better for some of our listeners? Yeah, Hank, do you think there's any like newborn babies

listening to the pond right now? If so, welcome to the world baby. What's up, you cool babies? That's a different podcast. Yeah, that's a much better podcast. Technically, it reminds me of a great quote from Kurt Von a good Hank. Hello babies, welcome to earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of babies. God damn it, you've got to be kind.

Oh, sorry for cursing. All right, John, this first question comes from Lauren, who asks an important question regarding the structure of Dear Hank and John. So let's get that one out of the way. Dear Hank and John, do you script episodes of the pod or completely wing it? Sense and sensibility, Lauren. Does this sound scripted? It's completely scripted. We wrote out all of the baby stuff.

Yeah, that was in great detail. Yeah, John didn't spend 20 minutes just now trying to get that Kurt Vonnegut quote to load so he could get it right. No, absolutely not. That was written down beforehand. How is Goodreads a website owned by Amazon, but still so slow?

It works fine for me. I think it's your terrible internet at your office. We do, for an internet video company, we have some bad internet. Yeah, we don't script anything. We do usually make some notes about a few of the questions, especially if the questions are hard and we're worried about how we're gonna answer them.

But no, we rely upon a little something called serendipity. Yeah, magic, just brotherly magic. That's right, it's all magic here. Whoa, quality magic. Yeah, not saying magic doesn't have to be great. Nope, that's bad magic in the world. I would say almost all magic is bad magic.

Well, then that would line you right up with all the people in the 17th century, John. I am totally with them. Whenever I see a magician and the magician really tricks me, like I saw David Blaine perform once. And at first I was like, that's very impressive, that trickery, and then I was like, we need to burn this witch.

And two soon. Is it two soon from the 17th century? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. I don't know, that is definitely, the patriarchy still exists, John. That hasn't completely gone away. There's no question about that, but I wouldn't argue that David Blaine is going to take it down. I don't know. He seems to be capable of a lot. The other thing about David

Blaine's performance is that while he was, I'm just remembering this, I'm sorry. While he was immersed in a large tank of water for nine minutes, sustainably setting the world record for a number of minutes, a person has held their breath. There was a cocktail party going on at this event that I was at. And so everybody was just sort of chatting amably while David Blaine's hype man was trying to get people to pay attention to the fact that David Blaine was stuck inside of a water-filled container.

Oh, because like he was in there for 17 minutes. This is a fact that I know. Don't ask me why. Whether or not it's a trick, that's, Abneus and, disregard that. But like, the thing is, 17 minutes is just a long time for nothing to happen. Even if that nothing is like a man not dying in a situation where he should. It's just like, eventually I'm like, I need some cheese. Yeah. Like, this is kind of boring. Yeah, exactly. It got

a little, you need to levitate or something like do some magic Right, sometimes with David Blaine's magic I feel a little bit like I'm watching an Andy Warhol movie like I get that this is a proper art and everything But I like it when events occur But anyway to the question we do read all the questions beforehand I try to have like something in my brain that's like oh, I have something that I can say about that question. And then we mark it two different colors for when a Hank likes it and John likes it.

And then we tend to answer the ones that both Hank and John liked. That's right. That's exactly it. John, did you know that this week we received our 50,000th question in the inbox? Wow. Wow. And we've answered like 600 of them. I know. I know. I feel bad about it. received our 50,000th question in the inbox. Wow. And we've answered like 600 of them. I know.

I know. I feel bad about it. Thanks everybody for sending those in. We need great questions to make good podcast. So thank you for sending them in. If you want a little bit of a question advice, I'm here to give it shorter questions. It does tend to be better when the questions are shorter, and sometimes

we actually end up editing them a little bit. Sorry, to people who we've done that too. All right, this next question comes from Ellowyn who writes, introverts. They left a message reminding me of my appointment and asked me to call back to confirm it. Do I really have to call back? This has been booked for weeks. So it's not like they're gonna cancel just because I don't call back to confirm

soon to be lacking wisdom, Ellowan. I mean, maybe it's good practice. Ellowan, you've gotta learn how to make phone calls. Yeah. It's so important that we talk to each other. That we, that you, I know that like, the weird thing is it gets harder, the more you don't do it, but I think it's really bad for us not to talk to each other.

Yeah, it's, so in this situation, there's, there's two things I'd say. The first one is just like, maybe this is like good practice phone call, because you know exactly how the phone call's gonna go. There's no unexpected left turn that it could take. So it's a safe one. The second thing is like, I don't really know how dental offices work,

but I assume that since they're asking, it's gonna make this person's life easier if you make the phone call. And so when I'm in that situation, I try to make the person's life easier if it's not, you know, if it's something that I can do for them. Yeah, yeah, and I totally agree with that, Hank, but I also think that it might in some small way, Ellowyn, help reduce the overall amount of loneliness in the world, which reminds me of another Kurt Vonnegut quote. All right, did you load it already? It's a very special Kurt Vonnegut quote. Oh, God. All right, did you load it already?

It's a very special Kurt Vonnegut episode. Yeah, that's why it's such a special episode, John. I knew that there would be something. Yes, it's the Kurt Vonnegut special. Vonnegut once wrote, what should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously, but the most daring thing is to create stable communities

in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured. He wrote that in the 1970s, but I think that is really, really true for 20 years. Yeah, I think that it comes down to a kind of a signal of appreciation for the work that this other person is doing. And so hopefully, you know, if it is an insurmountable obstacle, it is an insurmountable obstacle. But, but I think everyone involved would appreciate it if if the if the phone call was made. John also, I don't know if you know this, but I don't, you know, used to really not like getting poked with needles. And then I had to go get poked with needles every week for six weeks. And then for the rest of my life every every three months.

And now it's not a big deal. So that's about phone calls. Yeah. It's so true. It's so true. The first time you make a phone call to the dentist, it's so stressful. Now I know the people in my dentist office so much that when I call, they just pick up and say, hey, John, what's up?

Yeah. so much that when I call, they just pick up and say, hey, John, what's up? Yeah, I mean, I have gone from being a person who was scared to order food at Wendy's to being a person who has a rapport with the person at Wendy's, who has met them. I'm gonna submit that your rapport with the person at Wendy's is not as good as you believe it to be. We just have very friendly fast food workers in Missoula, John.

Yeah. Yeah. No, you're now the old man who goes up to the person at Wendy's and they're like, may I take your order? And you're like, yeah, but before you take my order, let me tell you about something that happened to me earlier in the session. No, that's not me.

All right, Hank, what's the next question? This question comes from Emily who asks, dear Hank and John, I'm applying for summer internships and some job applications ask for my desired rate of pay or desired salary. No, as an engineering intern, I know I should be paid more than minimum wage, but as a millennial slash Gen Zier, I'm 20 years old, you're solidly Gen Z my friend.

I just want a job and I'm happy to ask for what I could get. How much money should I ask for? Insert creative sign off Emily. Mm. Emily, this is so much easier now than it used to be. It's still really hard of course, but it used to be like basically impossible. But now you can go to websites like Glassdoor and you can just kind of Google around and get a sense

of what the starting pay is for companies like the company that you're applying to, for jobs like the one that you're going to have. Yeah, and I also think this is such a weird, like how much would you like to get paid? And it's like the maximum amount, like how much do you have? Right, I would like to get paid 100% of what you have budgeted for this position. I would like to be paid $500,000 an hour. Is that an option? Right. Well, let's negotiate down from there. Maybe that's what you should do. I remember, I might have told this story before on the pod, but the very first time I got a full time job,

my boss, the person who's gonna be my boss, wrote a number down on a piece of paper, literally folded the piece of paper, and like slid it across the table to me, and then I unfolded the piece of paper, and I was not able to contain my shock, glee and like overwhelming joy when I saw 27,500 on that piece of paper. And like all the ability I had to negotiate my salary completely flew out the window and

I was just like, yeah, yes. It was a different time, but also I just had few, I didn't have many needs. Yeah, but yeah, I think you've got a Google. That's the truth. You've got a Google. I think it's such a weird question to ask. I feel like there should be a rate that you get paid. I don't know what the goal of that question is,

but you can either put the number that you Google or you can just say, you can just tongue and cheek it and be like, whatever you got, friends. Yeah, that's a good way to get a job. What you got, buddy. It's like salary expectations. I got a lookie in the eye and see what you got before I can tell you.

Look, show me your balance sheets. I need to see the business, see what you got before I can tell you. Look, show me your balance sheets. I need to see the business, how much you got, how you doing, and I can figure out how much value I can add and then just, you know, subtract 20% from that and of telling you my salary expectations, let me tell you my revenue generation expectations. I expect to generate $140,000 of revenue for your company, and so I expect to be paid 20% less than that.

That's good. I love that. You're getting a good old margin on me, a solid margin, my friends. It reminds me of a great quote by Kurt Vonnegut. From his wonderful novel Mother Knight, we are what we pretend to be, so we must be very careful about what we pretend to be. You've got to pretend to be an expert in salary negotiation in this situation. You know John, that Kurt Vonnegut quote reminded me of a Kurt Vonnegut quote. Anything can make me stop and look and wonder and sometimes learn. That that reads like you've never read a Kurt Vonnegut novel and you just Googled Kurt Vonnegut quote. I don't even I've never read that one so I'm not sure it's real. Also, also attributed to Mark Twain and Michael Scott.

That's, it might be a Wayne Gretzky quote, John, I don't know. All right, Hank, this next question comes from Samantha who writes, dear John and Hank, how do I open an email when I'm writing to two people of equal importance without insulting one or the other? I'm double majoring and I need to write an email to both of my advisors, but don't want to write two separate emails. Do I put the advisor for the major I like better first or do I put the oldest one first as a show of respect?

Obviously not, dear Hank and John. Do I put the one first that will likely have more to say? Obviously not, dear Hank and John. Do I go alphabetically, arguably. How can I avoid naming either of them without it sounding weird and stilted? Also, when you get an email that has the other brother's name first, are you insulted? Not a witch, but named for one Samantha.

John. Yeah. So, I think that this question is probably best answered with the Kurt Vonnegut quote. I know, I know make my living by being impolite. I am clumsy at it. Man, Samantha, you are clumsy at being impolite. Yeah, Samantha, there's only two kinds of people

in this world. People who don't care whether their name is first in a list of two names and bad people. There's also two other kinds of people in the world there, people who really think far too much about whether they're being rude and rude people. So you are at least one of those other people. You're at least, you're thinking way too much about how to be polite, and you need to step it back a little bit and take care of yourself.

But that is such a good point, Hank, people who don't think too much about being polite are so impolite. So there's some value to being like a little too careful. Yeah, yeah, which is what you were doing in this case. Do not just out, like if it's something that's gonna bother you, alphabetize it, and then if it ever comes back at you, which it will not, but in your,

in your, like while you're laying awake at night, worrying about it coming back at you, you can be like, oh, I just did it alphabetically. And they'd be like, oh, okay, we accept. Yeah, no. But I can't imagine that anyone else in the world ever has worried about this. It seems like such an edge case that one of your advisors would email you back and be like, why did you put Professor Rosenstein

before me? Like, what the actual heck? Do you not bow you poetry? Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sorry, this alphabetical. Yeah, so yeah, go with the alphabet unless it's your addressing brothers in which case oldest first, youngest last. Ha ha ha ha ha. You should go by salary. You should go by how much they're being paid at their jobs. You have to email them first to be like,

look, I'm sending you both an email. First, I need to know what your salary is. In that case, it definitely is to your Hank and John. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. I owe my salary it completely is higher than yours because you don't work very much. I know. I report to you. Hank is my boss. It's so much better than when I didn't have a boss because now when I have a problem, I can just call Hank. It's so much better than when I didn't have a boss. Because now when I have a problem, I can just call Hank. It's great. And then I'll call Julie.

I cannot recommend having a boss enough. The years I didn't have a boss were just, it was full of tremendous mistakes. All right, John. This next question comes from Kizu, who asks, steer Hank a John. My name is Kizu. And I used to work at a company that does

over the phone surveys. I used to call over to Canada and the US and think about what I'd say if I called one of my favorite YouTubers. My question is, would you have done the survey if I called you? Je voudrais t'etre d'une bouzoté Qizu, which Catherine translated for me and it means I would like to give you a kiss? Qizu, but it rhymes instead of that. Oh. Well, it didn't rhyme when you read it,

but to be fair, that did not sound like French. Ha ha ha. John, I would not have answered the question. And if I had answered the phone, I probably would not have done the same. The last time I did a survey over the phone was like, maybe 2001, when somebody called me and asked me a bunch of questions,

and it went on for a really long time. Right, that's the problem with phone surveys is that once you start, it's almost impossible to get out. The only, I do, when people call me about political candidates, I do answer. And I tell them who I'm gonna vote for. Although, I will say one time I got a call and it was from a pollster, but it was not,

usually they're like automated. And I don't mind answering those, but this was not an automated one. It was a person. And they asked me who I was gonna vote for for like Senator something. And then their second question was, are you the author?

And I was like, well now you, yeah. Oh, you can't say that. Now you have a bunch of information about me. Like you know who I'm voting for for Senator. And so I was like, was there no training that went into this? Probably not a ton of it. So I was like, no, I'm not the author, but I get that sometimes.

Yeah. I'm not the author. I do sound exactly like the YouTuber, but he's a different man. Yeah, he's my brother. He's my brother, John. I'm a different John. There's a few of us. It's like George Foreman's kids.

So you do answer those, I don't even answer the phone if I don't recognize the phone number anymore. I answer the phone if I don't recognize the phone number, but only because I've only put about 12 people into my phone after having it for nine years. So you- So you- Hahaha. So your phone just doesn't know very many phone numbers? Yeah, if my 13th best friend calls, I- I don't have them in my phone, so I've got to answer in case it's them. Boy, I tell you what, I got a lot of numbers in my phone, John.

I've got like my live and best friends in Elon Musk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Did you, uh, did you text him when he was having his little, little bit of trouble? I didn't text him. No, I figured, uh... I was thinking to myself, what I want some rando who had my phone number to text me and the answer was no. Yeah, I have a blather I call. It reminds me of a great Kurt Vonnegut quote, Hank from his novel slapstick. If you can do no good, at least do no harm. Oh, that's good, John. All right, this next question comes from Thomas. You're right,

Steer John and Hank, I'm an eighth grade boy and I have a crush on another boy in my grade. Like, I have had the largest crush on him for almost a year now. I used to be able to talk to him, but this year I don't have any classes with him in my anxiety, his risen. I have so much anxiety around him that when I have to go to my class, I'll go down a hallway that takes longer for me to get to my next class just to avoid making eye contact with him. I would really like to have a boyfriend. However, the thought of trying to talk to him gives me so much anxiety. When I talk to him, I get sweaty and I can't

breathe and I can't formulate sentences. Do you guys have any advice for how I can talk to him without completely panicking? Thomas. I don't. I don't. I don't know how to handle. I remember it, Thomas. I do. I I remember those moments in that feeling and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. It's so weird how you can talk to someone until you realize you like them and then suddenly you can't talk to them. Yeah.

Thomas, I think potentially this might be like making phone calls or getting shots that the more you do it, the better you'll get at it. Like the first time you walk down the hallway past this person is going to make you super nervous and you're definitely going to have the sweaty palms and you're just going to kind of smile and look at them and they're going to smile and look at you back hopefully. And then you're going to be like, okay, I did it. I injected myself with the nervousness of this crush.

And then maybe the second time you walk down that hallway, it'll be a little bit easier and you can have a little bit less of an awkward conversation. But I'm not gonna pretend that this is gonna be easy or straightforward because I just think it's just hard. I think it's partially something that it gets easier as you get older and have more experience in situations where you're not 100% on the level as to how everybody

is perceiving everybody else. And it definitely is something that gets easier as you interface with it more. And so as is often the case, like the secret to doing hard things is doing them. I don't think it gets that much easier to be fair. Like I definitely experienced less anxiety when I had crushes after eighth grade than in

eighth grade for sure, but it was relatively low bar to jump over. But even when Sarah and I first started dating, I remember like at first we were super awkward around each other, like or at least I was super awkward around her. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I was made very nervous by every person I've ever had a crush on. And like the times when I'm talking to them, it's just like such a heightened experience of trying to do everything perfectly and also to analyze everything that they're doing usually incorrectly. Whether I think that what they're signaling is that they are into me,

I was always wrong about that. And when I thought that they weren't into me, I was also wrong about that. It's just not. It's hard. It's hard to be a human. Thomas, would you like a quote from Kurt Vonnegut about his experience in middle school? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I was taught in sixth grade that we had a standing army of just over 100,000 men, and that the generals had nothing to say about what was done in Washington. I was taught to be proud of that and to pity Europe for having more than a million men under arms and spending all their money on airplanes and tanks. I simply never unlearned junior civics.

I still believe in it. I got a very good grade. I love the great, the brilliance of Vonnegut is always in those last lines. Yeah. It's like a dad joke except funny. Well, that's what you get for Kurt Vonnegut. Was he a dad?

He was a dad, yeah. In fact, he adopted one of his siblings' children after a really terrible tragedy. So he was dad to many. adopted his, one of his siblings' children after, after a really terrible tragedy. So he was dad to many. I don't know why I'm such an expert in Kurt Vonnegut, all of a sudden, I really don't know much about him. I feel like you know tons of a Kurt Vonnegut.

You were always talking about Kurt Vonnegut when you were like in your 20s. I did really love Vonnegut novels. He was actually the first writer I ever like saw in person. I saw him speak in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and all I remember about it Hank is that there's probably like 900 people in the audience and the authorities at the University of Alabama kept telling Kurt Vonnegut that he was not allowed to smoke in the auditorium And he kept smoking anyway, and he would just say You've already paid me for this

Yeah, but we can find you for a separate fine. No, no, at one point he was like, listen, I can smoke here or I can smoke outside, but I'm smoking. Sounds like he's become less clumsy at being impolite, which reminds me, John, that this podcast is brought to you by the following Kurt Vonnegut quote. The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h has made religion obsolete. This podcast is additionally brought to you by this Kurt Vonnegut quote,

to those who believe in telekinetics, I raise my hand. And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by the following Kurt Vonnegut quote, history is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again. Oh, that's a good one. All right, John, this next question comes to you from Anna, who asks, dear Hink and John,

my boyfriend and I have been discussing this a little bit lately. We know that mountains are measured from sea level, but now climate change is causing sea levels to rise. Does this mean that the mountains will be shorter and will have to change the heights on Wikipedia pages? Listening in Denmark, Anna. Anna, I just feel like that's not, like the top of the list of concerns. Anna, I'll say this, if the shrinking of Mount Everest

can get you fired up about reducing carbon emissions by 70% over the next 30 years, then yes, yes, it's going to happen. Mount Everest is literally taller today than it will ever be for the rest of human history. I mean, like people who climb Mount Everest in the future aren't really climbing the world's highest mountain because the only people who climb the world's highest mountain were like Sir Edmond Hilary and Tenzig Norge back in the day. Oh man, that brings up a fascinating question of like, is Mount Everest Earth's tallest mountain when there were previously taller mountains on Earth

than we currently have? Right. Great point. People who climb Everest should clarify that Hank, they should say, I climbed the mountain that was the tallest mountain in the world at the time that I was climbing it. Yeah, that's, that is accurate.

We've gotten to accuracy as long as it's just this planet because there's definitely taller mountains elsewhere in the solar system and universe. The other thing that this question made me think of, John, is that we are so used to thinking in human timescales and also thinking in a moment in time that is actually stretched back has a great deal of consistency in terms of climate and in terms of a lot of things. And that has been really great for humanity to rely on that consistency. And now we are headed into a world of less consistency. And hopefully we've built enough tools and communication

strategies and technologies that will allow us to handle that shift, but it's going to be a shift. Because the fact that we measure the height of mountains from sea level, it does make it seem like sea level must then be some kind of like universal constant, but it is not. It has changed a lot over the years and it is set to change a lot pretty quickly in the next 100 to 200 to 500 to 2000 years. Like, whew. Yeah, no, I was recently at the Bonnival salt flats in Utah. I wrote about this on the Anthropocene Reviewed, but when I said the Bonnival salt flats, I kept thinking about the fact that not too long ago, the place where I was standing was two or three hundred feet underwater. It wasn't like it was underwater, it was under a massive amount of water. And we think that the

beach is the beach and the coast is the coast and the interior is the interior and none of that is really real except on these very small human timescales. Yeah. Reminds me of a Kurt Vonnegut. What? Is that one too many Kurt Vonnegut quotes, John? No, it's the right number. In fact, I think we might have one room for one more at the end

Okay, it reminded John of a curvana get quote, but he's not gonna tell you what it was No, it is Hank. This is such a good curvana. I know that I This is this this one is great. I maybe you didn't like the previous ones, but this it really is Hank It's perfect for the moment even if this weren't the bit of the show, it would still be appropriate. All right, it's from Hocus Pocus. Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean

we deserve to conquer the universe. I gotta read some of these books, John. They sound amazing. Yeah, you know, Slaughterhouse 5 is really, really good. I have read Slaughterhouse five at least. I mean It's definitely the best one. Anyway, I don't know that we need not me taking digs at Kurt Vonnegut's lesser novels on the pop Hey, hey, they're not all gonna be perfect. That's uh, that's fine. All right Hank This next question comes from Raquel who asks dear John and Hank

Have you ever swallowed a pill and then even though you know it's in your stomach because you chugged a bunch of water afterwards, still felt the ghost of pills past lingering in your throat? Why does that happen? Oh, Rikkel, I think it's probably because the pill's still in your throat. No, no, no. I was just because the pill was still in my throat. Like it was stuck in a little folder or something.

No, no, no, no, I know what Raquel is talking about. I feel this almost every time I swallow a pill, and it feels like a ghost. It feels like your throat is haunted by the memory of the pill, and that's always what I've just assumed it is. Well, I watched that episode of CSI one time, and when during the autopsy they found a pill stuck in the woman's throat. Significantly after she had tried to swallow it and they were able to identify what it was and also

the brand of the Elicit drug that she was using and it led to the killer. So by that I assume that it is maybe more likely than we think for a pill because it's a pretty long tube To get all the way down and I don't tell me I've got you a centiphyllicus off a gyro so I'm acutely aware of the length of the tube It's a pretty long tube John has a disease that sometimes makes following not work It's terrible. Oh, it usually works. It's just that then there's It just doesn't go all the way down. Yeah, no, that doesn't count as swallowing, John. Oh, you're not, it's not swallowed until it's in your stomach.

Yeah, yeah, that's the problem. I don't know, I don't know what swallowing is. I don't know what anything is. Recal, we are not a place to turn to for medical advice. We're one guy who's seen an episode of CSI and the one guy who's done a lot of googling about esophagus. Yeah, I'm gonna suggest to you to send this

into the Sobhones podcast because I feel like the Sydney McElroy knows the answer to this question. Yeah, Hank, I think that's great advice. Send people away from our beloved WNYC family. I think that you should listen to Radio Lab and see if they have the answer. Just said that it did Jad and Robert. I'm sure that they know what's up. They- I'm quite confident they do know the answer actually. All right, John. We have one last question before we get some notes and then some news. And it's from Asia who asks, dear Hank and John,

I'm dog sitting for a couple while they're away in Iceland. That sounds nice. I've watched the dogs before, and this time they were kind enough to leave me a bottle of wine to enjoy. Everything was going fine until just now, when I accidentally knocked over a side table, sending the lamp, my water glass, my tea mug, and my partially full glass of red wine flying onto the carpet. How much do you drink, Asia? You are in hydration! Man, I deliberately tried to choose the least sentimental of their mugs, just in case my cartoonish case of catastrophic clumsiness

caused something like this. I managed to clean the wine with some miraculous concoction, and I cleared away the glass without spilling too much blood, but their lamp is broken. I tried to look up the serial number to no avail. I don't even know if it's like an expensive lamp. What do I do? Should I tell them immediately or let them enjoy their vacation in peace? Asia. Let them enjoy their vacation in peace. But yeah, you, that's my experience. Yeah, this is not a big deal. Let them enjoy their vacation. But far more importantly, Asia, you do not need

to accept responsibility here. There is an obvious alternate explanation for how this all went down. And the explanation is the dog. Yeah, your dog sitting. Your dog sitting. You just say like, oh, the craziest thing happened. You know your dog. It wagged its tail, knocked over a lamp. I cleaned everything up. Don't worry, sorry about the lamp. Yeah, or if it's like a little dog, it's like tail isn't high enough to hit a lamp.

It got caught in the cord. It was running around, we were playing, and I was playing with it. I was doing the job you needed me to do. I was being a good, doggy parent, and the lamp is the casualty of that. Exactly. In the process of my extraordinarily conscientious dog sitting, your lamp was damaged.

And I'm apologized, but ultimately this is on you for having a dog. And additionally, you've hired me to watch your dog and live in your house while you go to Iceland so I feel like you can absorb the cost. I agree 100%. These people seem fine. They're two and okay.

All right. And before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I don't know how the Mars news is, but the AFC Wimbledon news is exceptionally sad. But first, we got to talk about Jess's email. She wrote into say, dear John and Hank, in response AFC won't, the news is exceptionally sad. But first, we gotta talk about Jess's email. She wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, in response about what Abigail said, about tell me a bit about yourself, I usually answer with something I collect.

So when someone asks me to tell them a bit about myself, I say I have blank number of books or knives or stuffed animals or T-sets. Whatever you collect, I always find that interesting. The seasons are going from pumpkins to penguins. Jess, that's a great sign of it. They are, it's happening right now! We're making the journey from pumpkin to penguin.

That's happening, it's happening in Mizzoula. Everybody's pumpkin's already getting glumpy and it's very cold. I just had to go ahead and call it cold, John. No, it's cold here too. Jess, I like your answer and I think this is a good strategy. I'm just gonna throw this out there though. Yeah. I'm not sure when somebody says,

tell me a bit about yourself. The correct response is, I have 43 knives. Zoot. Zoot. I agree. There are a number of things that you do not want to tell people that you collect. At least not off the top. Right. Tell me a bit about yourself. I'm a knife collector. Not. That doesn't work. Tell me a bit about yourself. I watch 85 hours of television a day.

I mean, I'm interested. Go on. Yeah. I have six different TVs. What's the strategy? All right, Hank, we got to get to the all important news from Mars and ANSI Wimbledon. I'll start the news from ANSI Wimbledon Oh, it's been such a difficult week for Wimbledon. ANSI Wimbledon after six long years of Neil Ardley's leadership and management Wimbledon and Neil Ardley have parted ways. He is no longer the manager of the club. It's really painful. I think it's painful for her.

I feel like that's, you think that's the right call, John? It's hard to know. Here's the thing, Hank. Nobody can question Neil Ardley's love of and commitment to Wimbledon. He's played for Wimbledon since he was eight years old. He loves the club so much. He saved Wimbledon from being

relegated out of the football league. He led us from league two to the playoffs up to league one. It's an amazing story But the last few weeks it's been clear even watching the games on my phone, how sad he is, how stressed he is, how huge a toll this has taken on him for Wimbledon to be in such bad shape. And I mean, my hope is, he's a great manager. Some other team is going to be very lucky. I sound like somebody who's breaking up with someone, but that's kind of how I feel. And he's a great manager. It's just that it wasn't working now at this club. And I think

all Wimbledon fans will look back on this time as really a golden age of our club. And you know, where we were led the right way by someone who had a deep appreciation for the history of the club and the values of the club. And I'm very grateful to him for giving, being a big part of giving me one of the best days of my life, the day I spent with our dad and our friends at Wembley watching Wibbley then go up to League One. So it's really sad. There's no getting around it and I'm really sad about it, but I'll tell you one thing I'm really

happy about, which is that the interim manager is Simon Bassie. And you may not know Simon Bassie's name, Hank, but Simon Bassie has been with AFC Wimbledon from the very beginning. He was cut from the old Wimbledon when he was 16 years old for not being big enough, not being fast enough. He became a cab driver. And when Wimbledon reformed and had tryouts in a public park, he was one of the people who tried out. He made it to the team. He made like 200 appearances in the ninth and eighth tier for Wimbledon, never scored a goal. Had a penalty in his last game as a player

and all the other players were like, oh Simon, you should take it. And he missed the penalty. But he's an amazing, amazing person, a great leader and he's been a coach for Wimbledon. He's still a cab driver. He's been a coach for Wimbledon. He's still a cab driver. He's been a coach for Wimbledon for a long time and he is really beloved. I have so much admiration for him every time I

spend with him. He's one of those people who makes you feel like you're the only person in the world when he's talking to you. I really just think he's a wonderful guy. And so I'm excited for him to be the Inter manager of Wimbledon. I think it's a great vote of confidence, and it also is a statement by the community of how they feel about Simon. So, you know, it's a really difficult time, no getting around that. But Wimbledon are going to be appointing a new manager.

If you happen to be a professional football team manager looking for a job, you can go to AFC Wildens website and apply, that is not a joke. Applications are open. How does it pay, John? I mean, it's a good middle class, upper middle class job. All right, just like any other management position. Exactly.

Slightly different. I thought about applying and leaving everything behind, but then I guess there are two big things that discouraged me. One, my other lack of qualification for the work. And two, a fear that I would be remembered as AFC Wimbledon's worst ever manager. It seems not like a vanishingly small chance that that would happen, John.

Well, Hank, as you know, I'm great at managing people. And then we'll know a lot about sports. All right, John, the news from Mars, the Insight Lander continues to rush, rush, rush toward the planet's surface. It's going to be landing on November 26th. So we have another episode before it will land, but then after that, it'll be on the surface of Mars one way or the other, unless it just misses,

unless it just completely misses the planet and it flies off forever. But like I think they probably have gotten all that straight. So hopefully that won't happen. And so I wanna talk a little bit about one of its main instruments, which is its seismometer. So we know what that is. It's the thing that detects like the movement

of a planetary body, usually here on Earth, but there are some on other places. There's one on the moon. And there actually has been a seismometer on Mars before. This one is much more sensitive than that one, which was back in the 70s. So you might think a seismometer that's for detecting earthquakes. And yes, it does tell you when there is an earthquake or a Mars quake in this case, but it can also tell you things about the structure of the planet. So when there is a geologic event, whether

that's a, so something that it can sense, whether that's a Mars quake or whether that's a meteorite hitting the surface of the planet, different waves travel differently through the planet. Some of them travel across the surface, some of them go down into the middle of the planet and come, come back. And so you can tell from that information where that Mars quake happened or where that meteorite hit, you can also tell things about the interior of the planet. So we know lots about Mars' atmosphere and about its surface and even its ionosphere. We know next to nothing about the interior of the planet. Like more than a mile down is a complete mystery. We don't know if it has a solid core. We don't know how thick the crust is.

So this is going to allow us to know way, way more about the interior of Mars with an instrument that is so sensitive that when it arrives on Mars, it can't just land. It has to be like the lander lands and then the seismometer is taken off the lander and placed on the ground. So it's very carefully placed there by this like basically like little crane that's on the lander.

And then in order to remove the effects of wind and also of temperature change because the seismometer is so sensitive, it can't be like being blown around. They remove this like cute little dome shield thing that they then place on top of the seismometer so that it's shielded from temperature change and from the wind. And once it's in its little house, it can detect vibrations that are smaller than the width of a hydrogen atom.

Wow. Which reminds me of a Kurt Vonnegut quote, John, science is magic that works. It's not really a Kurt Vonnegut quote. According to this page, it is. That was very elegantly done. I didn't see it coming, which is really saying something because I've seen most of them coming. They've been fairly visible for a while.

It's one puppet where you can see the strings. All right. So that's great news. I'm very excited for Insight to land. And I can't wait to tell you more next week about another of Insight's very good instruments that it's going to be using to understand the interior of Mars. Cool. Cool. Well, I'm reminded of another Kurt Vonnegut quote, this is the last one I'll say. Really? Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. So true. So true. I mean, Hank Green should have that tattooed on the inside of his wrist.

Oh my God. I have a problem. Thank you for potting with me and for coming up with this idea and all of the other weird ideas you've come up with over the years. Thanks to everybody for listening and a big thanks to our friends at WNYC for welcoming us so generously into their podcast family. Dear Hank and John is a co-production of Complexly and WNYC Studios. It's produced by Rosie on a Halsey Rollhassen shared in Gibson.

Our editor is Nicholas Jenkins. Victoria Bangerno is our head of community and communications. Our music is by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. Don't forget to be awesome.