Dear Hank & John - 166: Do Not Enter the Secret Room

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Why are human babies so useless? What's with Ohio's salad crackers? Why can't I use an umbrella in the snow? And more! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]! Check out our other podcasts in the WNYC Studios network, SciShow Tangents and The Anthropocene Reviewed. Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.

John, we have to do a cold open this week because I got something wrong in a recent podcast. Was it the last podcast? I think it was, I'm not 100% sure. But steel does not disinfect itself. Copper does, bronze does, but steel does not. So don't lick subway handrail poles. Pff.

Also, never listen to any of our advice. And furthermore, don't lick copper. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Gorsair, I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you to these advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

John, since January 1st, I have announced every morning to Catherine that I am going for a jog, and then of course, I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year. Ugh. I've been listening to the pod a lot with Henry, and he loves those jokes, like, he loves the way you start the pod. And he's always like, Dad, why aren't you more positive about Uncle Hank's jokes? Like why aren't you, you know, on his side and supporting him?

And the answer is that they're terrible. That one was pretty bad. Well Hank, I also do have some good news this week. We talked last week about how often good news comes from bad news, but we don't pay attention to the bad news it comes from. We just pay attention to the good news. And in incredibly good news, extremely exciting news for readers everywhere,

Margaret Atwood has announced that she is writing a sequel to the handmaid's tale. Then we get, don't investigate why that might feel more necessary right now than it did a few years ago, but that's great news. I'm very excited. I love Margaret Atwood's work, and I have only read a couple of her books, but they are amazing and shocking and upsetting, but also very good. I have spent so much time wondering about what happens after the end of the handmade style.

And this book is set 15 years into the future. It's curated by three women. That's all I know about it, except that even though it's not available for pre-order, instead of pre-ordering it, I just put a sticky on my computer that says pre-order Margaret Atwood's book when it becomes available for pre-ordering it, I just put a sticky on my computer that says pre-order Margaret Atwood's book when it becomes available for pre-order. Also, you don't announce a book,

I'm not here to criticize Margaret Atwood, but you don't announce a book until it is available for pre-order. This first question comes from Katie, who asks, dear Hank and John, I was scrolling through Facebook today when I stumbled upon a video of a dolphin giving birth.

Immediately after this dolphin was born, it started swimming away. And it made me wonder why human babies are completely incapable of doing anything when they're born. Have human babies always been so useless? Like seriously, how can giraffe's drop six feet from a womb and immediately start walking? But it takes a human baby like an entire year

to do this. Former human baby, Katie. Katie is absolutely right that human babies are useless. Oh man. I mean, they do nothing except for being cute, and even that, they don't do that often. It's just, especially at first. Yeah.

At first, they do, like, they're like, like, actually worse at being cute than they are much later. Like, I would say pretty objectively, a one-year-old is cuter than a one-day-old. Like, it's the case. A one-day-old doesn't do anything. And the reason for this Katie is that human babies were designed over the course of lots of millennia and millions of years of evolution, okay, to be things with large heads.

Yeah. That's it. That was the largest head that could fit through the... orifice it needed to fit through. That was the like leading evolutionary adaptation. They should call us homo-largeheadedists. I mean, basically, this is true. And actually, as a result, like human babies

have to continue to get bigger after they come out and that does occur. That actually happens to everybody, by the way. Everybody's heads can nobody, is born with the size head that they will have forever. But the baby has to come out before it's done, cooking in some ways. And also like human parents are very good at caring

for children and also we are, there's an evolutionary pressure toward like a learned skill rather than a innate skill because the stuff that people have to do is very complicated. So like, it's not that big of a deal for there to be a lot of care up front because we're gonna be caring for children

way longer than the average species anyway. So it's not like we're just gonna abandon them the moment they come out of the womb. So we're already doing the care and evolution was like, okay, well that's happening. And also like we could have the head be bigger if we get the baby out sooner. Right. And that's what happened. And then you end up with a creature that has such a big head and air go such a relatively

high center of gravity that it's super hard to walk. Yeah. Oh, man.. Yeah, also like most animals get to walk on four four lips. Yeah, and that's easier. It's like having a table with two legs is hard and that's us. We're just a bunch of tables with two legs, John. Oh, you don't have to remind me. It's amazing. That's why I usually choose to walk on all fours. Nope.

You've never seen you put your hands on the ground in my life. Oh, I look great bear crawling. You never seen you put your hands on the ground in my life. Oh, I look great bear crawling. Every time I do a bear crawl, when I'm at a workout with my trainer, Laura, I'm also usually with Sarah. And I'll be doing the bear crawl, and Sarah will be doing her bear crawl and laughing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to judge? Why were you even out of pizza place then? A salad at a pizza place? Did it have

romaine lettuce? It's been recalled page. Yeah, no. Goodness gracious. Everyone knows now that lettuce is worse for you than pizza, so just lean in. I'll tell you what, the FDA didn't tell me to throw away all the pizza in my house anyway. Just when the salad came, I realized that like most of the salads I order, it came with crackers. No, I don't live in a foreign country. I live in Ohio. Well, that's a foreign country to a lot of people, including those of us in Indiana. John and Hank, please tell me why they give you crackers with salads. Love you guys. I'm not with the Fault in Our Stars is printed on page.

Thank you for that little shout out there page I'll just a reminder that my novel the Fallenar Stars is out in bookstores everywhere And has been for six and a half years John This has happened to you. I don't feel like I've ever gotten crackers for the story. Oh, yeah, hilariously I remember this happening to me a lot, but only when I me in Ohio for real. Yeah, no, I think I can tell you exactly what happened, John. Okay, so this happened simultaneously.

It was an innovation that occurred and every in every Ohio restaurant in Ohio simultaneously, a person made the first salad in Ohio and they looked at it and they said, okay, but where's the food? And then they looked over to the cracker packages which were there for the soups and they were like, well, a soup gets a cracker package and that's kind of like a freebie. I feel like they're gonna want something in this.

That's food. So here, have a plastic wrapped square of pure white bleached flower. Right, that's one explanation. I think the more likely explanation is that by the time salads got to Ohio, and I'm guessing like 1991, they'd heard that salads were supposed to contain

something called croutons, but they were like, what are croutons? We can't make croutons and then the internet didn't exist. You can't just Google croutons. Right, so they couldn't figure out what croutons were, but they knew that it was like some kind of like hardened bread. And they were like, oh, we have hardened bread

right here next to the soup called saltines. Yeah, yeah, so you mean a cracker. Okay. Yeah, and then they would just kind of scatter the cracker on top of the salad, but then that's really your job because they're not going to open the saltines for you. Right. I mean, they say the Ritz Carlton. Okay.

I think we figured it out. No, I've never had this experience, but it does seem like a thing that would happen. Yeah, no, I think. By the way, I don't want it to sound in any way like I was being disparaging of the wonderful people of the state of Ohio, where I lived for many years, and I currently live about 84 miles away from Ohio. So I'm just saying that we don't have that problem in Indiana. John, I just made a huge mistake. And the looked up, Saltein salad.

And there is in fact a thing called a Saltein salad. It's like a potato salad, except it's Saltein. Instead of potatoes, it's just Saltein scrunched up. Mixed with like mayonnaise and stuff. And I don't know how I feel about America anymore. Oh, no. Oh, God.. Oh God. It's like, exalid, but without protein.

Yeah, they just put saltine in it. Oh, okay, I've seen, I've now seen something that's even more disturbing. Oh gosh. There's this thing in the Midwest, and I cannot explain it or justify it, so I'm just gonna say it, which is that in the Midwest,

sometimes at like barbecues, people will serve what is essentially a ball of ground beef that has not been cooked, but it's been like spiced in some way. Okay, I don't like it so far. But it's raw and it's just sitting there with flies on it and people eat this. Oh wow.

And I've just seen a version of a salty salad that's like that plus a bunch of saltines. Oh, it's just raw ground beef and saltines. Yeah, if you scroll down far enough, you'll see it. It's noticeable. I think that we need to burn it all down. Yeah, unfortunately, we're gonna need to cancel saltines. Or just like the earth. Imagine Hank, if you felt like you had the power to cancel

saltines, like certain people in the United States right now clearly feel like they have the power to cancel certain industries at their whim. Imagine if you could like tweet, like like, Salteans, Colin, Bad for America, don't love America, Salteans CEO, Blasgrbrrm, Tharmdark, is a bad person, and as such, Salteans will no longer be part of the American diet. No, no, no, you're saying Hank, you're saying that's way more than 280 characters.

No, don't worry, I posted it as multiple tweets, but I didn't thread them. Yeah, and also it's just like right in the middle of a word. Because it's really still unclear to the person who seems to be the best at using Twitter, how to use Twitter right now. John got another question from Grace, and I love it a lot.

She asks, dear Hank and John, I'm currently babysitting and the people I work for are having their bathroom renovated. The parents haven't told me another bathroom that I could use and the kids are in bed. I know there's an on-sweet in the parents room, but am I allowed to use it? I see parents rooms as a very private place

and an on-sweet even more so. But nature calls, not very graceful. Grace. Grace, I want you to be my babysitter Yeah, so respectful. Yeah, I always feel like the first thing my babysitters do When we close the door is put the kids in front of a TV show so they can open every drawer in our house Are you serious? I that's like my biggest fear I My palms are sweating just thinking about it. Oh, I say, you don't like find things moved around.

Okay. It is obviously a really intimate thing to welcome someone into your house and to tell them to take care of your kids. And that is a close and important and weird relationship. That said, Grace, you should be able to pee in any of the toilets of the house. Well, especially if there's only one available.

Yeah, but even if there were more than one available, I think that you should be able to scout the entire house, pick your very favorite toilet and use it because you're not opening the medicine cabinet. Like that is an invasion of privacy. You're not opening cabinet. Like that is an invasion of privacy. You're not opening a drawer. That is an invasion of privacy. You're using a toilet. That is like a human thing.

That's what they're there for. Yeah. So I think this is interesting though because I do have this feeling and less now, but I remember even our own parents being like having a weird relationship with the parents room. And this was like compounded times 10 or 100 when I was in like friends houses and it was like,

oh no, you can't go in the parents room. Oh, that's, and I like, no one ever explained that to me, but I do think it's like a perfectly viable thing that we should pay attention to. So Grace, I think the thing to do is to pee in the parents on Sweet Bathroom as long as you feel a little weird about it. If you don't feel weird about it, that's a problem. You should feel weird about it. And that's part of the process of peeing in someone's private on Sweet Bathroom. That's so beautifully put Hank, I'm almost in tears.

Okay, well I'm glad I'm doing well, John. This next question comes from Sarah, and I think it's a question relevant for many of us. Dear John and Hank, I've lived independent from my parents for over eight years, but they still insist I come over at 8 a.m. Christmas morning every year to open stockings. I'm not saying I don't appreciate the gesture,

I love my parents and I love Christmas. However, this year I have a partner and a dog, and I want to spend Christmas morning watching them open stockings that I filled for them. I'm not sure Sarah that you have a great understanding of how dogs do things, but it sounds like an adventure. I'd rather just go to their house a little later in the day to exchange a gift or two rather than getting

two stockings worth of socks and candies and oranges. When do you stop going to your parents' house on Christmas morning? Should it just wake up early enough to do both? No. Trying to convince them to do Christmas morning at 1 p.m. Sarah. Sarah, it sounds like you are solidly into the phase in your life when you should have your own Christmas morning. And I think everybody's gonna have to be on the same page about that, whether or not they're super like a hundred percent thrilled about it. And sometimes like you tell somebody something and it's like they don't want to hear it a little bit. But they also want to hear it a little bit. And that's okay. Even if it's a little bit like,

even if it's a little bit of a disappointment, it's fine. I don't think it's gonna be a huge disappointment, especially since you're going over there later in the day to exchange presents anyway. Just say, hey, we're gonna sleep in a little bit. It's the time of my life where I wanna watch my dog use its weird human hands to open a stocking apparently. Yeah, I remember the first Christmas I spent away from my parents. And I do think that they were really sad,

but I also think they were kind of psyched for me. Now, admittedly, we have unusually supportive parents, but someone needed to be in the bookwist office on Christmas Eve, and I volunteered. And so I told them that I wasn't going to be there for Christmas. And they, you know, were bombed, but at the same time, excited that, you know, I had a real job and responsibilities and everything. And I ended up spending that Christmas, and I don't mean to rub salt in the wounds here,

but I ended up spending that Christmas alone. And while I love spending Christmases with my family, that Christmas I spent alone was flippin' magical. I felt the Christmas spirit all day long. I woke up feeling the Christmas spirit. I read a book for two hours. I walked outside feeling the Christmas spirit in Chicago. I got dim sum at a Chinese restaurant feeling the Christmas spirit. I went to a movie feeling the Christmas spirit in Chicago. I got Dim Sum at a Chinese restaurant

feeling the Christmas spirit. I went to a movie feeling the Christmas spirit. I just, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of like goodness and beauty and generosity all day. And obviously not everybody feels that way. And not every day is like that. And part of the joy of it was the novelty of it. But I gotta say, I had a great day.

John, we got another question. This one is from Kate, who asks, Dear Hank and John, I had a great day. John, we got another question. This one is from Kate, who asks, Dear Hank and John, I just signed a lease for a new apartment next year. And because of a weird apartment in real estate market circumstance, I will have an extra bedroom in my apartment. I don't want to have a roommate

because of a poor roommate situation I had last year, also because if you don't have to, why do it? So my question is, what do I do with the extra room in my apartment? Create a ball pit, why do it? So my question is, what do I do with the extra room in my apartment? Create a ball pit, make the room just for my cat, don't forget to be great, Kate. I think I'm reading this amazing book called My Year of Rest and Relaxation

in which a person attempts to essentially sleep through an entire year. And when the person is meeting their psychiatrist for the first time, the psychiatrist is holding a large tabby cat that the psychiatrist introduces as my eldest. Okay. And for some reason, like I find that detail so believable

and funny, like as somebody who's met a lot of psychiatrist in his life, but also like, the way that a certain kind of cat person would introduce a cat as my eldest, it's just so perfect. There's little moments in great books that are just so perfect. Anyway, all of that is to say that there is no way you should make this a room for your cat.

It's gonna come across as weird. Yeah, but sometimes it's okay to come across as weird, John. But honestly, I think the problem is that if you did that, it's not weird enough. So, I think people could put you in a category with a cat room, unless it was a particularly weird cat room, but maybe it'd be better to have like a bowling-pain room or something. And people are like, what's that room? And you're like, oh, check it out.

And then it's just bowling pens. Yeah, I think that's going to be a problem with the cat. Just going to throw it out there. It's like having a really complicated domino setup. And you're like, whatever happens, nobody touches any of these dominoes. Hey, Mr. Snowball, how are you doing? Mr. Snowball.

You're right, Hank, the problem is not having a cat room. It's having a cat room that you don't go all in on. Whatever you do with this room, Kate, you've got to go all in. So if it's a cat room, I want to open that door, like when you're showing guests your apartment, I want to open that door and I want to be like, oh my God, they made a cat room.

Or like just all hot wheels tracks, all up the wall. Yes. Wait, John, I want to give actual advice for this room as a person who has moved to many different places. Do nothing with this room. Leave it empty because the next department you move into won't have that room. And then you'll have all that stuff to get different places. Do nothing with this room. Leave it empty because the next apartment you move into won't have that room. And then you'll have all that stuff to get rid of.

Oh, that's terrible advice. Just lock the door and never open it. When I lived at my first apartment in Mount Vernon, Ohio, I had an extra room. My rent was $225 a month, and I felt like having a roommate would almost be like offensive to my landlord, to divide the rent by yet a further half. But what I did with that extra room was I sealed it off so that

I didn't have to heat it and that saved me like 50 bucks a month. Oh sure. Yeah and it's like cover up all the the grates. What do they call them vents? Yeah, vents cover up all the vents. And then when people would come over to my apartment which was very rare and they would say like what's that? What's my Greats, what do they call them? Vents. Vents cover up all the vents. And then when people would come over to my apartment, which was very rare, and they would say like, what's that? What's my nut door? I'd be like, oh, we don't open that door.

Right. You know? No, my landlord won't let me go in there. Yeah, you have a level of menace to it, and you're just like, yeah, I mean, I tried to open it once, and I heard a weird noise on the other side, and so I haven't opened it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That is the best thing to do with this room for sure. Just to have it be like, oh, I've never opened it. Oh, or you can make it even a little more extreme where you could just have a sign on the door that says do not open under any circumstances and maybe you can have a little like noise maker on the other side of it where We're just like occasionally, it'll knock. Like panicked knocking. Your friends are over and they're like, what's in there?

And you're like, nothing, they're like, can I open it and they just slap their hand? Yeah. No. Nothing. There's nothing in the room. Yeah. You can be like, hey, if you ever read Jane Eyre,

and they'll be like, yeah, I've read Jane Eyre. And you'll be like, yeah, no, there's nothing up there. You ever read the cast of a Monteado? Yeah. No. There's nothing in there. Yeah, what's find that door? I mean, have you ever heard of the John Green's podcast

about the seed potatoes of Lennon grad? You can't go in there That's borderline. That's almost too dark, but I'm gonna allow it because the ones that we came up with that we cut were so much more dark Haken I spent the last 15 minutes coming up with really dark things that could be happening behind that room This next question comes from Sarah who writes dear green brothers ofal esteem. Oh, that was very well done, Sarah. My 2.5-year-old is currently refusing to bike home, because, quote, he wants the green leaves back. How do I calmly explain seasons to someone

who is hysterically yelling at me? Cold and green leafless in Wisconsin, Sarah. I love that movie. I feel... I think is it Meg Ryan Tomhanks, Cold and Green leafless in Wisconsin? I feel your pain, Sarah. I regularly am like, look dude,

you can't jump on Cheerios. I'm sorry, it's just not allowed. I have no good reason why it's not allowed, except that I don't want a frickin' vacuum right now. There used to be a great website called Reasons My Todd where it's crying, it just be pictures along with a caption. And it is really astonishing. One of the things that I would ask like people

between the ages of say 18 and 30 to understand that you might not be able to understand about your parents, like, why are they so weird, why are they so needy, etc., etc. And they do need to stop being so needy and they do need to stop being so weird. But you also have to understand that when you were two and a half years old. They like held you as you convulsed in violent angry tears about, for instance, the fact that dogs don't sit still when you pull their hair. Some of the biggest, some of orange biggest tantrums has been because he hurt me. And I'm like, dude, why are you so mad? Oh, my hand.

Oh, God, I punched you so hard, my hand. No, he bit me once and I was like, ow, and then he got a total meltdown. Right, because they see you get upset and they get way more upset. Yeah, that's a meltdown in our family. The biggest meltdowns for us, and thankfully, we're past this phase,

but they were usually related to things like, I have thrown Cheerios on the floor, and now it's not like I'm being told that I have to pick them up because I'm too, and there's no way that's gonna happen, but Dad is picking them up because they're on the floor, and the kids would be like, what is this injustice that the Cheerios,

I have so carefully placed in their proper location, the floor are now being moved by this man crawling around the ground like some kind of, and then they're back to laughing at my bear crawl. Right. Which reminds me John, that the sponsor of this podcast is actually John Green's bear crawl.

So John Green's bear crawl of legitimately hilarious. Today's podcast is also brought to you by Saltean CEO Blasmigerg Sclarmigerg. Blasmigerg Sclarmigerg just trying to share the gospel of salty crackers with you, the people of America. Podcasts also brought to you by the secret room. The secret room. Don't, don't ask. Don't ask. You're gonna be more trouble than it's worth. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by Triple A, who Hank has just informed me, have arrived. They're here. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be right back. I mean, I don't know, John. I have here. I'm gonna be right back.

I mean, I don't know, John. I have no idea how soon I'll be back. Just let it roll. I think I've got it covered. All right, it's just me now. Hello friends. We probably would have been able to finish the pod if Hank and I hadn't spent half an hour coming up

with things that might be behind the closed door of that room. But anyway, here we are. We find ourselves with only one brother. I'm going to attempt to answer one question before Hank comes back. This question comes from Ashley who writes, dear John and Hank, my job requires me to talk on the phone all day and I just got off a call where the other person said my voice was like nails on a chalkboard. Well, Ashley, that person seems like they were having a bad day and or are just not very nice. She then proceeded to tell me that I need to practice speaking with a lower voice,

and that would be much more pleasant sounding on the phone. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with my voice, but how do I not think about what that lady told me every time I talk for the rest of my life? Ashley. Oh, Ashley, I'm so sorry, because of course there is nothing wrong with your voice and all of the things that were wrong, were wrong with the person who said that to you. But inevitably, you are now gonna have in the back of your head

that at least to some people, your voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. And that's such a bummer and that is why people should be careful when they say things to other people, your voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. And that's such a bummer, and that is why people should be careful when they say things to other people, because we forget sometimes that human beings on the phone are actual human beings, and that the way that we talk to them

and treat them shapes the way that they experience the world. But as for what you're gonna do, I actually have a little bit of experience in this field because lots of people don't like my voice, especially they don't like my voice in comparison to Hank's voice, and to be fair to them, I also don't like my voice in comparison to Hank's voice. I can't fix it, right? So my voice is inherently a little gravely, or Hank's voice has much more range.

You know, there's also a clarity to Hanks voice, like there's a consistency to it, while there's always a little bit of fry in my voice, that drives me crazy, but I can't fix it. I don't know like, I just don't know how to. So, what I do is I tell myself, this is the instrument that I have to communicate with. I am lucky to have it, I'm grateful to have it,

and even though it isn't perfect, it's mine. And I sound like me, and to people who care about me, that's good news. They want me to sound like me. So instead of privileging what one person says about your voice, you got gotta listen to what the people who really care about you say about it, which is that you sound like you, which is great news. Hi Hank, I answered a question while you were going. Oh wow, all by yourself?

All by myself, I don't know how I did, but I felt nervous, but at the same time, extremely powerful. So a wonderful thing happened. When I tried to call you, it went to the blue tooth in the car because the car is now on, charging the battery. Oh great. And then on the triple egg I got to hear a little bit of a view answering the question. Great. I was answering a question about how much I don't like my voice. So hopefully the triple egg I wasn't like, oh, that voice is so annoying. That is what he said. He was like, your. So hopefully the triple A guy wasn't like, oh, that voice is so annoying.

That is what he said. He was like, your voice sounds lovely, but that guy's voice is terrible. Yeah, yeah. The triple A guy and everybody involved, but there's comments and grays. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I've been working on it my whole life, John.

Well, I mean, I have also been working on mine my whole life. You will find Hank, and you just don't know this because you aren't 41 yet, that the voice just gets gravlier. Uh, yeah. Well, I mean, I don't mind. I don't like a gravity voice. John, did you say that a person who will say that to another person is not a person who could be trusted with any opinion?

Because that question made me mad. Yeah, the question also made me mad, and I said a version of that, but your version was better, so we'll include it. Okay. I do have a question that I really want to get to before we get to the news from our NAFC women, because I think it's important. Sure. I'm standing at a bus stop, dear Hank Adjohn, and it's snowing.

I live in Indiana, and it's only November, so I'm like, okay, and everything, but I'm becoming quite damp. I have an umbrella in my backpack that I could use to lessen the barrage, but I'm finding myself too self-conscious to do this. Why is it common practice to use umbrellas in the rain, but not in the snow, which is basically just cold soft rain? Percivitation and practices, Devon, what's up with this, John? I think that you and I are going

to have vastly different perspectives on this, because I think that the and I are going to have vastly different perspectives on this, because I think that the way we approach snow is the way we ought to approach rain, which is that nature has welcomed a different kind of air into our community and that we should accept what we are given. Okay, but can we accept what we are given with a...an umbrella? Sure, if you want to decline what you've been given, but I think we should accept what we've been given. I have an almost like religious belief that you should never use an umbrella except when it is like a life-threatening emergency. I mean, I use umbrellas when it's sunny out.

Oh, God no. Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that. Between that and the fact that you faked a British accent for six months when you were in your early 20s, I'm not sure that I could never forgive you. Um, hey, look, I burn easily, and I want to preserve my skin. I, by the way, Henry and I have been listening to Dear Hank and John a lot.

I might have mentioned that. And Henry, when he found out that you fake to British accent for six months, he laughed and laughed and he was laughing for like 30 minutes. He couldn't get over it. He was so, he was so amused because he was like, did he know that you knew? And I was like, yeah, Henry, of course he knew that I knew. I'd grown up with him in Florida.

Yeah, he knew that I knew that. I wasn't really thinking of British accent. I was just having a new accent that was on mine. And he was like, well, what was he trying to accomplish? Who was he trying to trick? And I was like, those are great questions. I myself would love answers to those questions. Yeah, I have no explanations for you.

I don't remember what I was like in the past. Look, I think that if it's wet snow, you should use an umbrella because you're getting wet and you want to prevent yourself from getting wet. If it's dry snow, like if it's like 10 degrees out, you're like, you're wearing enough clothes that you're not gonna have to worry about. The stuff that's just like bouncing off of you.

But wet snow, man, it melts on you. And you get wet and then you're extra cold. You're cold and wet and it's real pleasant. It might be like, and there's this weird then you're extra cold, you're cold and wet and it's real pleasant. Right. It might be a light. And, and there's this weird taboo against umbrellas in the snow. I find just useless and maybe even dangerous. Again, if it's a life-threatening emergency, obviously you should use an umbrella. If you're concerned about your ability to survive frostbite or whatever, absolutely use that umbrella.

Otherwise, I don't even think umbrellas should exist I think that we should just be glad to be covered in rain When it's raining and when we arrive at a place and they say why are you so wet? You just say because I don't believe in umbrellas and nobody's gonna question that nobody's gonna think that's weird They're just they're gonna be like have a seat I as you know Hank I do not use umbrellas. They're just, they're gonna be like, have a seat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Part of what freaks me out, the bigger thing that freaks me out to be completely honest with you is I'm uncomfortable with the idea that I'm kind of creating a tiny amount of inside that then I like walk with, you know,

that I'm like in this quasi enclosed space that I then like carry with me everywhere I go. I just find that to be extremely weird. And then I also have an admittedly irrational fear that by virtue of holding an umbrella, I will be struck by lightning through that umbrella and killed. Oh, interesting. That's, well that is a thing you do not have to worry about in snowstorms. So boom, umbrellas are only for snow.

Alright Hank, I think we've answered that question really, really well. Before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I do want to respond to a couple of things. Allie wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, but mostly John. In the most recent episode of the pod, you mentioned that 95 to 96% of people on the planet have not read your book, the fault in our stars. Doing some basic math, this implies that you believe roughly 300 million people have read your book.

Is that possible? No. Hank didn't seem to call you out on it, so what's the deal? Don't dilly dally. Allie. I assumed you meant the Americans. What's 5% of 300 million? I'm not very supportive.

Plenty. So, so, Ali, I think what I said is that 95% of people over the age of 14 have read it, which is also inaccurate. Completely. But it is a lower number than 300 million. Did you mean 95% of Americans under the, over the age of 14? Yes, that is what I actually meant. I meant 95% of Americans over the age of 14. Yes, that is what I actually meant. I'm at 95% of Americans over the age of 14,

and I was not thinking about the world, and I apologize. I was doing that thing that Americans do, and they confuse the United States with the earth. Yeah, we sure do. It's like, why is it so hot? And it's like, look, Boston is not all of the world. Sorry.

It's so funny. I remember the first time I've probably said this before because it imprinted so deeply upon me. The first time I ever visited Europe, I was watching television. There was a news program on and they did the weather and they started talking about the weather in Africa and in Asia and Europe and in South America. And I was like, wait, what? They have weather? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha John, I also got, we got a lot of comments from people who wanted to tell me that they learned in physics class that when you blow air out of your mouse, you're compressing it in your mouth and then it would expand, it cools. This happens when air is compressed, it gets cool, absolutely, but that's not what, it's

weird, not compressing air enough in our mouths for this to happen. It is only because it's drawing ambient air along with it. And I'm sorry to everybody who has been taught that that is a good demonstration in a physics class. Maybe that will help explain the concept of compression, but it is not what's happening. It's just not what's happening. And you can tell because if you've just put your finger right in front of the hole, the air is still warm and then it gets colder as you move farther away as it's mixing with more air and be an air. I'm sorry. It's the situation. I love that I

Posted a correction and then you posted a defense. Yeah, it's just like I looked it up. I worked on that. And lastly, Chelsea wrote into say, dear John and Hank, in the Kurt Vonnegut special, you wondered if there were any newborn babies listening. I just wanted to tell you that I'm listening in bed with my six-month-old, and we do this every week, and we have since birth. In fact, while I was in labor,

I listened to the Anthropocene reviewed. My second son is a well-versed nerdfighter in training. Nothing rhymes with LC or Kelsey except Chelsea. Hmm. That's very sweet, Chelsea. Thank you for sharing that with us, and thanks to everybody who listens, but especially to everybody who listens with their babies. Yeah, what's up, volume? I can't say that. God dang it, McElroyce. Hello, hello, babies. I hope that this podcast is great for you. Sorry about all the scary stuff happening behind that closed locked door.

John, the news from Mars is very good. The news from Mars is awesome. Hank, I actually recorded a voice memo of myself just after I watched the live stream of the Mars Insightlander mission, and in that voice memo, which I will send to you, I say thank you, Hank, for giving me enough of a sense of what was happening in that mission that I was moved to tears by what we can accomplish when we work together. And by seeing all of those scientists who have worked so, so hard, it was just awesome. It made me feel so hopeful. I am so excited to find out whether Mars has a solid core.

A lot of other things about the interior of the planet Mars. I mean, so the basic news is that insight landed safely. It's solar panels have unfurled correctly, which was sort of the next big huge fear. And now the big concern is, are they going to be able to get the seismometer and the probe that's gonna hammer into the surface? Are they gonna be able to get those off of the land or properly set up properly and

to do their science properly? So there's still a lot of fingernail chewing to do. And but, you know, regardless, there will be good science being done. We've got some good pictures back. And we've also got two new orbiters that have been sent along that I want to talk about in a future episode. So, but basically just this week's news, let's just have it be that insight successfully landed

on the red planet, do with a combination of error-breaking and parachuting and retro rockets and it worked out perfectly. And it's wonderful, especially like just eking that success rate up for Mars missions is is what we want to see Yeah, for sure and speaking of what we want to see aFC Wimbledon won a game Hey And it what one one of them

Yep, aFC Wimbledon won their first league match in November while or for that matter in October They beat South End United 2-1. They actually came from 1-0 down to win 2-1, which was very exciting. And just the way they were playing did feel different. It did feel passionate and enthusiastic. And I think Caretaker manager Simon Bassie, who's been with the club since the very beginning since its founding, started out as a player. He definitely has the players playing for the shirt, playing with an understanding of what's

its stake and how much it matters and the history of the club, which was really encouraging. Then they lost on Tuesday. They lost to Peterborough, one new, but it was a pretty close game away from home against a team that's in the top five of League One. Yeah, so in a way, I mean, obviously when you're in last place in League One, you cannot afford to have a lot of moral victories. You need a lot of proper victories.

But it was a moral victory nonetheless. It really was. And yeah, so I mean, now we've got to just see. This Saturday, AFC Wimbledon will be participating in the second round of the FA Cup. It's actually on TV on ESPN plus if you are a US cable subscriber, you can watch it on ESPN plus and they're playing FC Halifax Town a team in the fifth division of English soccer two leagues below AFC Wimbledon,

although admittedly Wimbledon our last in League 1. So it's a game that theoretically, we have a pretty good chance to win. And if we do win, we make it to the third round of the FA Cup, which is a huge deal because that's when the teams like Liverpool and Manchester United and Chelsea enter into the draw. And if Wimbledon could get drawn as they did last year against a team like Tottenham away from home where the gate receipts

will be, you know, 40 or 50,000 people coming to the game, that would be huge financially, especially since we're probably going to have to buy some players in the January transfer window, given that the current crop is not fairly, fairly particularly well in lead one. So, really got to hope to win that game, and then really got to hope to win the FA third round cup lottery. So, we'll see, hope is the thing with feathers. We'll see.

Hank, thank you for bought it with me. Thanks to everybody for their questions. Again, you can email us at Hank and John at gmail.com if you want to send us questions. Sorry for all the questions we don't answer, but thanks for sending them along. There are so many good ones that we didn't get to, but you know, that's what next weeks for. Dear Hank and John is a co-production of Complexly and WNYC Studios. It's produced by Rosiana Halsey Rojas and shared in Gibson. Our editor is Nicholas Jenkins. Victoria Bonjourner, as our head of community and communications,

our music is by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. Don't forget to be awesome. Don't forget to be awesome.