Dear Hank & John - 170: You Can Trust Us, We're Aliens

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

How do I teach a class I know almost nothing about? What if humans had tails? Why can’t you walk through a drive-through? And more! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]! Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn. Get your PodCon tickets at podcon.com!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you the immediately advice from you all the week's news from both Mars and A.F.C. Wimbledon on New Year's Eve! John! We're one year closer to this podcast being rena him dear john and Hank when humans don't get to Mars by 2028 john, you know, I'm not a real big fan and New Year's resolutions myself. Yeah, I always feel like they're just like

They're like in one year and out the other I mean that just that one doesn't work for me. Do you know that 2019 is the international year of the periodic table of chemical elements according to the United Nations General Assembly? That seems like something they shouldn't have voted on. Yeah, it seems like we didn't necessarily need that. I mean, I'm a fan, it's a great table. It's one of the best ones.

But like a whole year, it's definitely the best periodic table, you know, because other periodic tables that are there sometimes and not there other times, they're just a bummer. Yeah, are there other periodic tables, John? So there's the periodic table of the elements. Yeah, is there a periodic table of like, I've got a periodic table in my house, like sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. I have no idea what's causing it. That's a dead tank. That is a proper dad joke. You're welcome. That's good. I'm there. I'm on board. Well done. I'm so glad that we're all loving the dad jokes together. You're on you're on my team now, right? That happened. No, but do you want to know some good news? Yeah, of course I do. It's the best news the whole year Hank. I have such high quality good news for you. Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready. 2018 is almost over. It's arbitrary though, John. It's gonna keep me in a mess. No, we did it Hank. We made it to the end of 2018. We did. And I sang at the beginning of this year. I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me. I made it through the year and it to the end of 2018. And I sang at the beginning of this year,

I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me. I made it through the year and it didn't even kill me. And now I've got to sing it again, going into next year. Yeah, so the thing is, so we're recording this podcast a couple of weeks early, because it's Christmas break. And I am legitimately like not 100% that like something very big hasn't happened in the interim something like it's just yeah We should say that in case it seems like we're like referencing news that we don't know about yet

As we were recording this it's one o'clock nine p.m. Eastern on December 21st So if anything happened at like two forty five like we didn't know we just didn't know we didn't know about that We don't know what's going on. We're cautiously optimistic. We are we are Laughing in spite of it all we are funny mad in the way of 2018 And we do not know what has occurred in the interim Are you really worried that something's gonna happen in the next 10 days that's gonna be so dramatic

that we're gonna look like idiots not for talking about it on our podcast? Yeah, yes, absolutely, 100%. I'm not saying it's good, I'm not saying it's bad, but dramatic is the correct term for what I am afraid will have happened in the next 10 days. What's the best thing that could happen in the next 10 days that everyone would be like,

I can't believe that Hank and John didn't discuss that amazingly positive news. Aliens! That would be hilarious if we missed first contact. Because we were just trying to take 10 days off so that we could spend time with our families. Yeah, but like good aliens, of course, is what I mean, like aliens and they're like, hey, we've been watching.

You guys are doing okay, but I think you could do better. Here's Cures for Cancer and also be nice to each other. Right. Here's how you treat malaria more effectively and also up here in our spaceship, we built a better Facebook. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I think that's my best case scenario for the next 10 days. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hanker, you making any New Year's resolutions this year?

Like seriously, no dad jokes. Uh, yeah, I'm thinking like just 1080p, same as usual. Sorry. Mmm. Alright, we're moving on to questions from our listeners. I'm thinking like just 1080p same same as usual Sorry All right, we're moving on to questions from our listeners No, I I do I am I think I'm gonna go I'm gonna do a month vegetarian to start the year And this is something that I've always wanted to do and always felt like I just am such a jerk for not doing and so I'm going to try it out, John. Well, I have dramatically decreased the amount of meat, but not yet decreased it to nil, but I agree with you that it's a good thing to do and I would like to do it.

That would be a good resolution for me in the new year. My main resolution in the new year is not to get so overworked that I find myself staring into the middle distance with a single tear coming down out of my left eye. We'll see how that goes. You gotta listen to less cure, John. Geez, you're such an emo business owner. All right, our first question,

we're moving on to questions from our listeners. And our first question comes from Abby, who writes, dear John and Hank, how do I teach a class I know almost nothing about? Oh, Abby, for once you've come to the right place I'm a graduate student and the main way I pay for my tuition and such is through teaching different labs in my department I was recently assigned to teach an animal diversity lab. I majored in forensic science and my knowledge is minimal when it comes to Animal diversity while there are tools to help me. I want to be a good teacher. What do I do? Can I self-teach myself somehow?

There are tools to help me. I want to be a good teacher. What do I do? Can I self-teach myself somehow? Sincerely not dear, Abby. You got a lot of textbook reading ahead of you. I tell you that. We have a little bit of textbook reading ahead of you. Hank, you only have to stay one day ahead of your students.

Yeah, but you have to stay. So here's the thing with teaching. As you have to know what you're teaching and then you have to know like a bunch outside of that for context that's probably not going to come up but might. And that is work and that is hard. And but also like the thing with teaching is like to be able to commiserate with your students

and understand that like, like there is some value in being relatively new to a subject because it allows you to have a greater understanding of how hard it was for you to get that information and what that process was like for you. And also, what parts of it are really exciting. Right, yeah, also that. You can feel the magic of learning a little bit more.

And so hopefully you'll be able to pick and choose the things from the world of animal diversity, which admittedly is not my specialty either, but that's not gonna stop me from waxing poetic about it. The other thing Abby is that 99% of life is confidence. Oh yeah. Well, it's hard to be confident when you don't know anything about animal diversity, John.

Really Hank, you are saying that it's hard to be confident when you don't know a lot about a subject? I have a lot of experience seeming confident. It's important. That is indeed like, if I were going to list my skills on LinkedIn, do you list your skills on LinkedIn? I've never been on this site. But if I were to list my skills on LinkedIn, number one would be able to state declarative sentences in a way that makes them seem declarative. Yeah, I'm gonna go on your LinkedIn. Maybe I'll just make one for you.

And then I'll leave a review. They have this review system on LinkedIn where people tell people how great you are at something. And I'll just yeah, that's what the skill that I will highlight of yours. And you can then come and give me that for me as well. I do have a LinkedIn, Riziana set it up for me. And it's the only social network I can now access. Okay, good. But I still I still don't want to. John, I just went to my LinkedIn

and I have not received a recommendation since 2008. So if anyone would like to recommend me at anything in particular, that'd be great. I'm starting to feel like I haven't accomplished much in the last 10 years. All right, let's move on to our next question. Abby, good luck in the world of animal diversity. This next question comes from Hitch,

who writes, dear John and Hank, how would our world change if humans had tails? Oh, well, pants would be different. Vastly different, they'd have a hole in the back. So I got, I think that's it. Wouldn't that be the main change? I think that's the main change. What kind of tail though?

Like is it a little tail? It depends it a quality of the tail, right? It depends on the quality of the tail, right? Is it like, can I hang from a tree from this tail? Right, because if you could hang from a tree, arguably we never would have come down from the trees in the first place. Maybe. Also, if we referred to people's butts as tails,

like we do now, we would stop doing that. Right, yeah, you wouldn't be like be like oh boy he's got a great tail unless it was actually the tail. Yeah. But there would be great tails right? So people would be like oh man that tail. Yeah totally. Yeah yeah.

If you've seen the tail on that one, the actual tail, the tail. I wonder what would be the desirable tail traits? Like boy does that thing wrap around a trellum quickly? Boy, it sure is smooth. That's a smooth one. Yeah. Oh, there's no zits on that tail.

I bet we'd have more words for tails. So, like, the way that you can have stubby fingers or like long, like we'd have like, you could describe the tip of the tail in a certain way, like oh, that one's got a real round nubbin. It is weird to me that we spend so much time as humans talking about extremely small differences

in anatomy. Yep, yep, like the idea of like stubby fingers versus long fingers. Mm-hmm. Very, very soft. If I looked at, if I looked at like all the monkeys in the world, I would not be able to differentiate among their fingers. Yeah. Yeah, like we got like words for like when your ankle isn't

ankle enough, you know, so we'd have that for tails. I don't know what they'd know, so we'd have that for tails. I don't know what they'd be, but we would have them. And also like, I don't know. Right, but nobody ever says like about one giraffe, but not another like, oh man, that one has very prominent knees. Yeah, I mean, I do feel that they have prominent knees. I guess they need them for, but all the weight.

Oh God, you just did it by accident. I just accidentally did that joke. It's knees. I guess they need them for all the weight. Oh God. You just did it by accident. I just accidentally did. It'll that joke. It's true. I did. Was it my accident? Did you do that on purpose?

It wasn't accident. It was an honest accident. I wish it wasn't. But do you think there would be like tail subreddits like for tail care? Yeah, I think there are already our tail subreddits. Don't worry. Okay, well, how are we moving on? Are we, I think we hit every single difference that there would be.

Otherwise, it would be precisely the same. This next question comes from Travis, who asks, Dear Hank and John, I believe that an all but one of your podcasts. You have said that the music is by the great gunnerola. At one time you said that it was by gunnerola. I have to know, is great part of the name, or are you describing the talent of said gunnerola, is gunnerola a person or a band? Jane Austen's most famous book, Travis. Wait, what?

Pride and prejudice? Yes. Is that how we pronounce traps? And we pronounce it like, Oh, it's P and P, it's P and P. Oh, P and P. Like pumpkin and penguin, P and P. Pumpkins of God.

Thanks for figuring that out, John. I never would have got there. Gunnarola is an individual person and great is a description of their work. Yes, Andrew, you can find them on YouTube. It's GUN-N-A-R-O-L-L-A. Not super easy to spell. He makes music, but he also mostly does travel videos these days and he works with travel

companies making beautiful videos about places that you can go to. Super pretty tripping around the world. Yeah, maybe makes music for this travel videos sometimes too. And I guess thanks to the great good aroma here on this new year's Eve special of Dear Hanging John for letting us use your theme music that you created for us for all these years, it's beautiful. And I love that recorder so much. And I remember when we first launched it, people were like, I got a done better than that. And I'm like, I don't think you could have.

I think it's perfect. It's perfect. It's become the soundtrack of my life. This next question comes from Henry who writes, dear John and Hank, I'm a semi-competitive magic the gathering player. Oh, I'm interested. Henry knows how to get a question answered.

And as part of this, I often travel to events with people I'm friends or acquaintances with. The issue is that we split a hotel room in ice-snow. Should I pre-warn the party? Should I offer people earplugs? Do I sleep in the bathroom where it's slightly muffled? Do I spend more money than I should reasonably spend to get my own room?

Henry. Uh, so I think I don't know. Should you pre-warn? Should you let people know would they're signing up to be in the room with a snorer? I think you can pre-warn, but I don't think you're obligated to. Yeah. I think a lot of people who snore exaggerate the extent to which they snore in their mind.

Like it becomes a uh, exaggerate the extent to which they snore in their mind. Like it becomes a thing that they are super self-conscious about. But then there are some people who snore really, really loudly. So, yeah. And when you're sleeping in the same room as one of those people, it can be a bit of a distraction. Although, I don't know. My grandfather was a big snore, and I just, you know, you live with it. Yeah, I've been on tour with guys in bands and

my experience is that I have a hard time sleeping when there is a person snoring loudly and My work around is there's an app called Simply Noise that you can download. And then you turn on the white noise, and you plug your headphones into your phone, and then you put your headphones into your ears with the noise directly beamed into your brain, and the world could end and you wouldn't know. Right, so that is... And in fact, it might have ended in the 10 days

between when we recorded this and when it was uploaded. Well, in that case, maybe this will be the last sound that the last human being hears, Hank. Oh, gosh, John. I guess there will have to be one of those. Oh, yeah, it's in Falkner's Nobel Prize speech. It's one of the all-time great lines.

Can I read it to you? I don't think I can stop you. It's like dad jokes and me. It's true. Here's the line. It's easy enough to say that man is immortal simply because he will endure that when the last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tidalists in the last red and dying evening that even then there will still be one more sound That of man's puny inexhaustible voice still talking Happy New Year

No, but that's the end of 2018 part, but here's the beginning of 2019 part. I refuse to accept this I believe that man will not merely endure, he will prevail. Okay, but like time is long. So eventually not? No, we're not just going to endure, we're going to prevail. Faulkner said so in 1950, drunk at a Nobel Prize banquet. I mean, I guess you can do both. You can prevail and also, you know, stop existing. Yeah, I, uh, I'm gonna disagree with that. Like, I think that, um, prevailing is contingent upon in, yeah, I mean, it's a question of scale. It's a question of moments in time. Like, there will be many moments in which we prevail

and only one in which we completely cease to exist. Right, that's a great point, Hank. I'd like that on my tombstone. He prevailed, but did not endure. Yeah. All right, we've got to the happy part. There we are. This question comes from Laura,

who asks, dear Hank and John, last night I was in line for the McDonald's drive-through, and these two kids came up to our car and asked if we could get them some food since the dining room was closed. They had money, some of mom said, yeah, and we got them their McChicken's, but I was thinking, why are drive-throughs

only for people with cars? Well, but I was thinking why are drive-throughs only for people with cars? Well, what happened if somebody opened a drive-through for people on bikes or skateboards or on foot? I feel like this is a missed opportunity. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. The Sun will come out tomorrow Very good very good. Very good. I've tried to walk through drive-throughs before and they won't let you. Yes I've tried as well and there it seems to be a universal anti-walk through drive-thru policy. Yeah, probably something to do with standing in the middle of a road.

Yeah, I suspect some of it has to do with liability issues. Some of it may have to do with safety concern. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but I like the solution that, right. These people came up with, it was to wait for somebody to drive up and be like, here's 10 bucks, can you get me a number three?

It's like very similar to how I acquired alcohol when I was a teenager. Yeah, except like, I guess perfectly legal. Like, it's not like they are prevented by law from getting food at McDonald's. They just don't happen to have the correct metal covering. Right. Yeah, which is a strange thing when you think about it.

And like at what point if you're doing a drive-through at what point do you say like I'm sorry that's not an adequate vehicle to purchase food at McDonald's at this time. Like is a motorcycle adequate? You pull up on what it looks to be a bicycle. And they're like, I'm sorry, I can't serve you on a bike.

And then you're like, well, watch this. Then it turns under some open. And then they're like, well, I guess so. Here's your nuggets, my man. Or what if, or like, what if you came up in a segue? Like a segue is definitely not a car, but I mean it has a motor and it's electric motor, but so is a Tesla's.

Like I'm driving through on my segue. Right, right. So, or like you're standing there and they're like, I'm sorry we can't serve you and then you just like you stand on a Rumba. And you're like, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what about, what and you're like, what up? Oh! I don't control where this thing goes, but it's moving. But I think there are walk-up places to get food in cities, of course, like places where you walk up

to a window and that's okay. Right, most people don't live in those cities, right? Like, most, if it's one o'clock in the morning, even in Indianapolis, if it's one o'clock in the morning, like you've gotta go to Wendy's or Waffle House. Right. Yeah, I don't have a good solution for this. But I guess the idea is that these restaurants

are not really built for pedestrian traffic, which you may have noticed if you've ever been to a McDonald's and walked up to one. It's like, oh, I feel a little bit illicit almost. Like, I have to walk over areas that maybe don't seem like areas I should be walking over. Yeah. There's something about the world in general that doesn't seem to have been adequately designed for pedestrians.

Ah, yes. Well, it is. The car is King John. Yeah. I was once walking down on Ali and the car was coming down it and I, uh, and he drove very fast and they'll like kind of like juke the truck toward me a little bit, which was very unnerving. And then he said, you shouldn't walk where people are driving. And I was like, oh, well, I mean, mostly you shouldn't drive where people are

walking because that will get you in jail. Yeah, that's a bummer. But in other news, that guy seems like he's probably a really nice person. I'm sure that he's done lovely things. That's the thing about all people who do bad things. They've also done nice things. Yeah. All right, hey, this next question comes from Gina,

who writes, dear John and Hank, my name is Gina and my sister, the best sister ever, is getting married in 2019. Well congratulations on it almost being the year of your sister's marriage. More reasons that 2019 is going to be the best year ever. We've been as close as two sisters can get, we've been through the loss of a parent, a beloved dog, and many, upon many, bad boyfriends and broken hearts. She's entrusted me to be her maid of honor, which I'm both thrilled and overwhelmed by.

I usually write well, and I'm good at making heart-felt gestures, but in this particular moment, I am speechless. For once in my loquacious, long-winded, Gabby life I have no words and practically drew at the thought of this maid of honor speech. So I come to you to suggest a poem for me to begin with at her wedding.

I need something inspirational and something beautiful to get the ball rolling on this speech. Don't let me drool on myself at my sister's wedding. Too stressed to think about a name specific sign off, Gina. Man, John, I love this question because I have absolutely no responsibilities in it. It's up to you. This is pure. It's got to be that it's got to be that Langston Hughes poem. Folks, birth in his heart and dying is mean so get yourself some love in in between it's good I like short I like funny and I like that she can say John Green told me to tell you this there you go it's great this this the speech

traditions are very hard I we recently had our holiday party for our staff, and I, for years, have avoided the responsibility of giving a toast at this thing and just let people have their times. But I felt like, finally, I was going to do it after somewhat being arm twisted into it. And I wrote a thing. I had to write it out. Like, it's just way too scary. And, uh, but I do find that once I start writing, if I can just keep my fingers moving,

something good comes out and just to not be overly attached to anything and, and edit myself, you know. Yeah. John, do you remember when you, you wrote my, like, uh, rehearsal dinner, speech thing? Yeah, I don't remember the speech I gave as your best man at all. Like the speech I gave at your wedding, but the speech I gave at the rehearsal dinner, which in the south, in our tradition is the bigger deal speech.

I, yeah, you were a big my little pony fan as a kid, and you also were an obsessive hoarder of money, much of which I stole because, I needed to pay for things because I was always out of money because I spent all of my money. And you would hide all of your money in these weird places like you'd roll it up and hide it inside of your trophies or you'd, you know, you put it everywhere inside

of your Walkman, I remember there was like a rolled up $20 bill and none of that slid me your Walkman. I remember there was like a rolled up $20 bill, and none of that slid me down at all. I found all of it. Um, and so at your speech, I gave you $1,000, $1 bills as a way of paying you back the money I owed you, but in a way that would allow you to count it and save it and hoard it and really enjoy looking at all of it.

Yeah, and also it was inside of my little pony lunchbox. Right, it was all in my little pony lunchbox. I assume you still have that money. I don't. It was actually really nice to have the 1,000 ones though, because you don't have to go to the ATM as much. So I would just load up my wallet and it last me for like two years, but then it was done.

It ended. Well, I'm glad that I was able to fund your life for a couple of years. It doesn't surprise me at all to hear that $1,000 lasted you two years of spending. I spent other money, but yeah, it was lovely. And like the gesture of a little bit of a prop was very appreciated.

And more than I did for you. I don't remember what your speech at my rehearsal dinner was, but I do have a very vivid memory of my friend Levin's speech at the rehearsal dinner because I don't know if you recall this, but Levin actually accidentally went to the wrong rehearsal dinner in Birmingham, Alabama. And he was at the party for like an hour and a half

before he realized that it wasn't Sarah and my party. And then by then he had ingratiated himself, he's an incredibly charismatic person. He'd ingratiated himself so completely into that party that they were like, no, please stay, come to the wedding tomorrow. So he came, but he came back to our rehearsal dinner and he told that story and, oh my God, it killed. I was crying from laughter.

That sounds real good. Mine was mostly about how you write fictional books in which the main characters don't have siblings. No, yeah, that's right. That's a good bit. That's a funny bit. That's a good bit. That's funny. That's a funny bit. Thanks. You remember when at 110 Hank, we said, like, I hope nothing terrible happens in the next 10 days. Oh gosh, yeah, I remember that. Let me read you a headline from NPR that was just sent to

me Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg undergoes surgery for lung cancer. Oh my God. But Justice Ginsburg has had cancer two other times. In 1999 she had colorectal cancer. In 2009 she had pancreatic cancer. So, and during 25 years on the court, she has never missed a day of oral arguments. So, we wish Justice Ginsburg good health and a very long life. This question comes from Lou who writes, dear John and Hank, I have a question about taste buds. Why do our tastes change as we age? I've just cooked an eaten wilted chickery with lemon dressing and a plain chicken

breast, and I genuinely enjoyed it. I know this is a sign of middle age encroaching, but why does it happen? A skib to the Lou. I know there's probably some science middle-aged encroaching, but why does it happen? A skibbit to the Lou. I know there's probably some science there. Yeah, but I don't know what I know. I don't know what it is either, but my taste have changed so much throughout my adult life. Like when I was 23 years old, I thought that nothing on earth tasted better than a pepperoni pizza hot pocket. They're pretty good. No, they aren't. I don't know if you've had one recently, but you want to talk about a food that doesn't hold up.

I haven't had any pizza hot pockets. Yeah, I haven't. I mean, I'd like to try the ham and cheese again. I'd also like to try the ham and cheese hot pocket as a more patient person, because I, most of my experience with the ham and cheese hot pockets are,, this is good and I am in so much pain. I love this and it hurts so badly. But yeah, I think that burning the roof of your mouth is actually vital to the eating and enjoyment of a hot pocket because otherwise you taste them.

I have found that things that I used to love, I find to be bland or oversalted often. Where I'm just like really that, you did that. That is. Woof, I feel that way often about hamburgers at fast food restaurants or I'm just like, could we have maybe, you know, like one less heaping teaspoon of salt on this would have been great. Yeah, I find myself using hot sauce now, which is something that never entered my mental landscape until about five years ago. Great, yeah, yeah. I mean, 10 years ago, I actively avoided every kind of spicy food

and now indulge and enjoy it. And I think that to some extent might just be like the more you have it, the more you like it, and the more sensitivity you get to it. But I also feel this way about like stronger flavors where I just like, like vinegar-y things, I'm like, yes, I need a little bit more kick in order to enjoy it. And that and spiciness is a big part of that for me.

Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by Hot Sauce in Middle Age. Hot Sauce in Middle Age. It's the thing that makes it all worthwhile. This podcast is also brought to you by going through the drive-thru on a Roomba. Going through the drive-thru on a Roomba. Maybe that's gonna work,

and maybe you're just gonna go in the complete wrong direction You never know additionally this podcast is brought to you by attending the wrong wedding attending the wrong thing You know who knows how it could work out and finally this podcast is brought to you by animal diversity Not actually a hundred percent sure what it is Yeah, don't feel totally confident that I could even what it is. Yeah, don't feel totally confident that I could even write like one sentence about a class of animal diversity when I would teach a semester worth of this. Yeah, is it like diversity among species or is it diversity among ecosystems? I couldn't tell you. Right. Do not know. Is it like boy or chimpanzees wildly different from moles?

Yeah, or is it like this one monkey has a different or tail than another monkey and you have good words for that? Yeah. Now I kinda wanna take that class in animal diversity. I wanna know all about it. I also kinda wanna tail now. In addition to wanting a tail, Hank wants you to go to podcon. That's a great transition. I should do this for a living.

You can find out about podcon. It's in January. It's January 19th and 20th. It's in Seattle, Washington. If you love podcas, you love podcon. Go to podcon.com. We're doing a live deer, hang a John, John's doing a live Anthropocene review. I'm doing a live delete this with Catherine.

There will also be... Oh, Catherine's coming. Yeah, Catherine will be there. Oh, nice. I'm doing a live delete this with Catherine. There will also be... Oh, Catherine's coming. Yeah, Catherine will be there. Oh, nice. I'm psyched out with Catherine. My baby will also be there, so you'll get to see him. Oh, good. And yeah, there are many, many legends of podcasting also attending.

You can go to podcom.com to find out more. We also have digital attendants, so if you cannot get your human physical self to Seattle, you can purchase digital attendance and get all of podcon beamed into the podcast app of your choice. That is also a thing that's available. podcon.com. All right, Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, mostly from Mars, that's, sorry, I just glimpsed to darkness.

That's what's going to happen in 2019. Hank, 2019 is going to be the year of AFC Wimbledon's stunning revival. All right. But first we've got to get to this question from Clara or possibly Clara or possibly Clara. It'll become clear shortly. Dear John and Hank, first I'd like to say thank you to John for all of his books. You're welcome.

Thank you for reading them and thank you to Hank for all of his videos. Well, Hank also wrote a book, but it's all good. Don't worry. Currently I'm writing a book report for looking for Alaska. I have so many things to say, as it was a book I thoroughly enjoyed, but I'm afraid I'll get a bad grade on it. If I can say to my teacher that John Green says that books belong to their readers, does that mean that the lessons I draw

from the book are objectively right? Nothing rhymes with Clara, or possibly Clara or Clara, but thank you. No. Yeah, I guess not. No, like if you conclude, I do believe that books belong to their readers. I don't believe that authors should have undue influence on the reading of the text of a book. I don't think that they should like comment authoritatively on issues outside the text.

I think that it's okay to talk about intent, but you can't talk about effect. Yeah. That's just my position. I might be wrong. I've been wrong before. I used to think differently about this stuff. I am, I don't know.

That's what I think at the moment. However, there are definitely incorrect readings of books. Right. Like if you think the adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a novel about how great slavery is, you're wrong. Right. And somebody thinks that? Has somebody said that one?

Well, I mean, I don't know. That's just an example that seems really obvious to me. That said, there are lots of readings of looking for Alaska that are fine, and I think you'll be fine. And don't worry too much about what I think of it. I haven't read the book in 14 years. So the other thing I'd say, Claire, is that you have to defend your reading of the book through the text of the book. That's what a book report is, ultimately. It's a response to the book that's a thoughtful response that uses examples from the text to back up your position. And as long as you do that, you should be fine. Yeah, you got to do the work. John, is it time for the news from Mars or is it time from this

this comment from Oliver? What's the comment from Oliver? It says, Dear Green Brothers, in a recent episode regarding the question of bathroom etiquette, you brought up the implied cone of silence that dictates social interaction in bathrooms. I'm transgender. And one of the many gifts that comes with transitioning is getting to experience the drastic differences in the atmosphere of the men's room versus the women's room. While the men's room is plagued by this cone of silence, the women's room is the complete opposite.

In the women's room, the bathroom was placed to socialize and catch up with co-workers, whether at the mirrors or mid-business in the stalls. After transitioning, I learned that upon entering the men's room, you must cease to acknowledge the existence of other humans. No eye contact, no words spoken. It is as if you have entered a dream scape in which you see shadows of your fellow humans, but you try to, but if you try to converse with them, you will be swallowed up by the nightmare dimension. Without the citrus zest, Oliver.

That is exactly correct. In fact, I'd like to have that posted on the door to the bathroom. It is as if you have entered a dreamscape in which you see shadows if you're fellow humans, but if you try to converse with them, you'll be swallowed up by the nightmare dimension. All right. Well, just as we've got figured out how John feels and Oliver, thank you for your perspective. It's nice to hear from somebody who has who has been been through both.

Hank, I will tell you the news from AFCc wimbledon. Okay John tell me it oh We're so bad I mean here's the thing our next game is against the wickum wanderers You know who plays for them out of bio-Akan Fenwa. It seems that everywhere we go, it seems that everywhere we go, we meet with a former Wimbledon player. Yeah, yeah. Who knows how to score goals?

And my question is, where are the current Wimbledon players who know how to score goals? Maybe we'll find out this weekend. Yeah. All right. Oh. So you haven't weekend. Yeah. All right. So you haven't had a game. You haven't had a game since we last talked.

We haven't had a game since we last talked. But we have heard that Quesia Paya is back in consideration, back from injury in consideration for the game. I don't know. It's the truth is we're last. We are last in the league one table there are 24 teams and we are 24th halfway through the season and that is it I've I tried to have a like a period of good Wimbledon news but there is no good Wimbledon news we're last your darkness I feel really bad for

people who are going to the games every weekend. Oh, I mean we lose. Well, we'll see. We've got a busy Christmas period, Hank. And if we win all those games, it will be a miracle. It will be very good for the team. Indeed. What is the news from Mars this week? Well, I mean, as with you, the news from Mars this week is the news from Mars 10 days ago,

because we were recording early, but we've got a very pretty picture of Mars, taken by, I think, the European Space Agency, that is of a giant ice lake inside of a crater that is really great to look at. You've probably seen it on Twitter if you've been, you know, if you follow all the good Mars people like I do. And also the size mom itter has been placed on Mars by the insight lander. So that is there and ready to do its business. And also, do we know yet have we had a Mars quake? I don't know that he's even collecting data yet.

It's probably still as of right now of the recording. It's probably still, as of right now, of the recording. It's probably still doing like testing and making sure that it all works properly. Can I ask you a related question? Yes. Henry and I were debating recently, is it a Mars quake or is it an earthquake? Because earth refers not only to the planet,

but also to the like soil and like ground covering. Like, you know, like you dig in the earth. You're not talking about the planet, but also to the soil and ground covering. You dig in the earth, you're not talking about the planet, you're talking about the surface of the planet. That stuff on other planets isn't called earth. What's it called? It's called regolith.

No way. Yeah. It's called what? Regolith. Regolith. Regolith? I mean, I mean, I got a list. Yeah, regolith. It's a R-E-G-O-L-I-T-H.

It is a- It's the layer of unconsolidated rocky material covering bedrock. Yeah. And it is not- I feel that like myself is ultimately a layer of unsolidated rocking material covering that rock. Like that's a pretty good description for how I feel on the inside.

Oh God, it's just it's about as about how much mass you have collected to hold all that rocky material to you with your own gravity. Are you a comet or are you a planet? What is it? Comet! Comet! Just trying to squeak by. So yeah, I mean, I don't like that is a argument people have had, but I think in science and generally we have come to the conclusion that we have moonquakes and Marsquakes and Venusquakes and Mercuryquakes, we don't have earthquakes on those other places, which is, sure, why not?

I'm there. All right. The other piece of news is that the exo Mars trace gas orbiter, there's been this like super long debate about methane on Mars. And if there is methane in Mars, which has been detected, and then they think maybe it wasn't there, and then it is there. And if there is methane in Mars, how would it be created?

Lots of confusion about that. But the most recent piece of data is from the exomars trace gas orbital, which says, no methane on Mars. And so we've got another data point in the no methane camp, but we're going to keep listening and looking and sniffing because turns out maybe it goes in seasonal cycles and maybe it's only in very particular areas. Maybe it's, so like it seems like the landers

are getting different readings than the orbiters. So that continues to be an open debate and always looking for more information on Mars methane. Do we need methane on Mars? Would that be good or bad? It would be neutral. It would be a data point that we would then have to explain. So if there is no methane in Mars, that's sort of like we understand how that could happen. If there is methane in Mars, then it's like, how does this happen? Where did this come from?

Was it created by microbes? Or was it created by some geologic process? Or was it created by... If there's methane on Mars, it might be because the Martians are breathing. Right, yeah. But it might also be because of other things. I'm gonna hope it's because the Martians are breathing.

And they have a better Facebook than we do. Please Martians, come to us with your little microscopic single-celled Facebook. We need it. Hang Happy 2019. Thank you for another great year of potting and brotherhood. And thanks to everybody for listening. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

It's produced by Rosy Yonna Halsey-Rohassen, shared in Gibson, our head of community and communications is Victoria Bon Giorno. You can email us at hankinjohnatgmail.com with your questions. Thank you, everyone, who does that? The music you're hearing right now, and at the beginning of the episode

is by the great Gunnarola, and as they say, in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.