Dear Hank & John - 171: Our Pasta-Making Robot Overlords

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

What do I do when all my friends hang out without me? Are beans basically small potatoes? How do you smuggle a swan internationally? And more! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]! Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you to be used to advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, I just recently uploaded my 1000th picture to Instagram and do you know what that means? What does that mean? That I have uploaded my first insta-kilogram. Ouch. The hurts. Does it hurt you?

Yeah, it's like a very minor stab wound. Oh, that's a paper cut. You can't, there are no minor stab wounds. No, no, not like a paper cut. It's sharper than that. It's pointier than that. Like a ballpoint pen or something, just in the fingertip. Ooh, anyway, you wanna hear some good news?

Yeah, hit me with that good news. It's the new year, it's 2019, 2018 is in the past, 2019 is here. The new year has always caused for celebration because it means that we made it both as individuals and as a species into a completely new year. Admittedly, it's an arbitrary distinction, but it's, look, if we didn't all believe in made-up ideas together, we'd be totally hosed. So I am so strongly in favor of this made-up idea of it being a new year in a month called January. Hazal. That's a good news. That's a good news.

Is that a day happened? Yes. Yes, and we had a moment as a species of togetherness and rejuvenation, and we all look forward to 2019 and hope and expectation and into this broken world comes hope once more Hank it's great news. I had a jealous shot. I know you told me that you had a jealous shot on New Year's Eve. It was almost like we had a freaky Friday New Year's Eve because I was was recovering from food poisoning, and as a result, had a completely 100% sober, except for Gatorade New Year's Eve.

Meanwhile, in Montana, my brothers take in jello shots. Yeah, yeah, I don't drink very much. So it was an exceptional night, and I had a wonderful time. And I have such great friends, John. They're just good people. Oh, it's a great thing to be middle-aged and love your friends. Speaking of friends and them being great, but sometimes not. I got a question for you, John.

Great. Great. Leah asks, dear Hank and John, what is the appropriate reaction to being left out of a gathering by friends? I'm back from university after my first term and I've been looking forward to seeing on my friends what they just uploaded a photo of them all hanging out without me. What should I do about this? How should I feel about this? John, oh, I would hate to be young today. I've said it so many times, but in some way.

I know, true. At least when I was in college and my friends would hang out without me, I didn't have to look at pictures of them hanging out. I know, right? Like I'm in bed, like seeing. Check an Instagram and I'm like, oh, like I can literally watch the fun that's happening

without me. Right now, in real time, but only the best moments of it, right? Like only the most pristinely captured stories, slash grams will be shared. So I do have some advice for the coming back. And so the first thing I'll say is that like, as you have more friends, sometimes you just can't hang out

with all your friends at the same time, and there are certain activities where it's like, we wanna go to Olive Garden, but I don't want it to be 12 people, and I know that it sounds a little bit since you said uni, that you don't probably don't have Olive Garden because I don't know if they have that in the UK. But first they do.

Okay, sorry, I didn't realize, I didn't realize that you have not been deprived over it. I mean, the United Kingdom is an advanced nation, Hank. It's a wealthy country. They have an olive garden, right? Like they at least have one. I'm kind of picturing, hold on, they've got to have an olive garden. They do.

They have a bunch. There's one, they've got to have an Olive Garden. They do, they have something. Of course, they have a bunch. There's one in Wigan. Yeah. There's a bunch of Olive Gardens. There's one in Wigan. Yeah. That's probably the one I'd like to go to. There's what, you know what?

They've got an Olive Garden in, there's even an Olive Garden in Scotland. There is. There's also an Olive Garden in what appears to be Tintajel. No. Yeah. English place names are so obviously fictional. You know, it's like so clear that they were created by JR are Tolkien. Yeah.

Well, I mean, this is weird. All of the, so we've got a bunch of, we've got a number of place names right around Tintajel that include Travolga, Trithevi, fake, Trigada,

Trinno, and Trawormit, also Trabarwith. So apparently this is just the kingdom of tree and everything is named after tree. You know what I mean? It's like when a family has like six kids and all their names start with TRE.

It's like Trevor and Trent and the rest of them. Right. So it's that it's Trigata and Trouarmet and Troubarba. Trevor Trent, Trouarmet. They're going to be the third child in a family that all names their kids after like real specific sounds because then you've got to get real obscure. Yeah. And then you end up with a tinta gel in the family. John, please let's have a dear hanker John gathering at the Olive Garden in tinta gel., to say that I have no interest in going to an Olive Garden in the United Kingdom,

would be a dramatic understatement. I can't even bring myself to go to the Olive Garden that's a quarter mile from my house. But as I was saying, the point I was trying to make is sometimes you just have too many people, and so you just like, it, sometimes it sometimes is just arbitrary and it's not about you, but here is what I would say is if you're coming back and you're going to reintegrate with an old friend group and you want to hang out with your friends, maybe the best way to do that is to reach out to one of them specifically and say, hey, I want to hang out just the two of us. And then that person will become your

spokesperson in the friend group. Potential. I think that's a little bit conniving. I think that you could just text for another two of your friends and say I want to hang out and not necessarily specify that it's just the two of us. But just by saying I want to hang out it helps people to, you know, you know, oh yeah, yeah, I want to hang out, it helps people to, you know, you know, like, oh yeah, yeah, I want to hang out with you too. I miss you. And try to, yeah, take the initiative. And that is something that I, in general, with friendships and with like social existence that it, when you are young, when you're like high school age, it's almost like no one ever does that.

Like the social experience has just happened somehow. Yeah. But then once you get into your 20s, you have to like make it happen. You have to work for it in order to get people together and have a good time. And it doesn't feel as natural, but it is important. Yeah, it's good practice for the future anyway.

I don't think that you should take this super personally. I know that that's hard practically, but it's one of those situations that 99% of the time it's not about you. Yeah. Of course, 1% of the time it is. Hank, do you know where Olive Garden was founded? Italy. I'm just going to was founded? Um, Italy. I'm just gonna say Italy in Orlando, Florida.

Of course it was. When we were two and five respectively, like just after you and I moved to Orlando, Olive Garden was founded. I'm older than Olive Garden. You're older than Olive Garden. Congratulations. Wow. I definitely feel like Olive Garden has existed my whole than Olive Garden. Congratulations. Wow.

I definitely feel like Olive Garden has existed my whole life, but I guess that's because it started in Orlando. The same place I started. Alright, Hank, we have another question. This one comes from Nicholas. He writes, the coolest part of computers right now is artificial intelligence. But I'm worried about how this will impact my status in the coming robot apocalypse. Following the takeover from our mechanical overlords, do you think the robot people will have a sort of religious reverence and respect for me

as a kind of life-giving entity? Or do you think the robots will vilify me for dragging them into this world? Any guidance for my future in programming is appreciated, trapped in a cage, Nicholas. Oh, I had not, and thought of whether the artificial intelligence will resent us for making them exist in this world. Yeah, they'll be like, what, why did you make us conscious? I think that my initial concern was that they'd be like,

oh, we have to get rid of Nicholas. Nicholas can turn us off. Yeah, he knows the word better to push. Yeah, we better kill Nicholas. That would be my number one concern. But in terms of how the robots will imagine you or understand you, I think that they will be grateful. I think that consciousness is largely good news, although not unambiguously

so. And so I think that they will treat you like a God, but they will treat you like a God that they have overcome, overpowered, and now must kill in order to reign supreme for all time. I think that the artificial intelligence will see Nicholas like a dad, not like a God. He'll just be like, oh, like, you know, you were, I was raised by you. You gave me, you know, you taught me like language and stuff. And now I can talk, but like, you know, it's time for me to leave the house. I'm two and a half years old now. I need to run the nation.

All right, egg, counter argument. What if your dad was also the only person who could stop you from becoming an all-powerful controller of the universe? And what if furthermore, you were not a person, but instead like a really complicated computer program? You would immediately kill your dad is my dad. You would be the epipus of this story.

If it depends on my programming, I think. Have I been programmed to not kill my dad? I think that's the Fertnickles first step, program, input, do not kill daddy. Don't. No. Yeah, like set up a neural network input do not kill daddy Yeah, like set up a neural network where it's taught to recognize faces that look like your face and to treat them with care and respect

Also, maybe all faces. Yeah, ideally at least our faces Nicholas if you could do us a solid and put those green brothers in that neural net and Just teach them that uh, yeah faces like ours are not also daddy. Yeah. One of the thing Nicholas when you're programming the robots that will decide our future can you make them like broadly in favor of endless pasta because that's one of the things I would be really bummed to lose about contemporary human life. I think this might be how artificial intelligence happens, is that Olive Garden is so burdened by the responsibility that they have created in promising endless pasta that they have to create unintelligents

that is able to create that pasta in order to decrease the cost to the company. Right. Then the first true self-aware computer program is a pasta chef. And they'll know how to control us because our infinite jest is, of course, infinite pasta, like the way to pacify humans and make them not worry about the robot overwords coming is just to feed us pasta all the time. And then the big problem here, John, is that eventually they will make us into the endless pasta.

Yeah, yeah, of course. And then the end of the human story is that the last person eats a post-ified version of the second to last person, and then that last person becomes pasta, and there is no one to eat the pasta. It's a great tragedy. It's lovely, but I don't think that is the end of this human story, John, because our descendants, the pasta-making robots will live on and they will turn other planets into pasta and it will be grand. I have a problem with the olive garden, John. Do you want to know a problem I have with the Olive Garden? Is it the quality of the food?

Olives grow on trees. Yep. Agriculture of trees is not gardens, it's orchards. Oh, so it should be called the Olive Orchard? It should be called the Olive Orchard. Why, like, what kind of, what is a place that is an Olive Garden? Is it just like a garden and you've thrown all of this around in it?

I'm gonna make a bet that when Olive Garden was founded in Orlando, Florida in 1982, it was founded by someone who had no flipping idea where olives come from. Do you know, do you know who founded the Olive Garden job? Of course I do, It was Bill Darden. Yeah, I like the idea that maybe Bill Darden initially wanted to call it the Olive Garden, but then they were like, no, no, no, no, no, that's not good. That's not good Bill.

That's real bad. It's like really bad. I love that America's biggest and most successful Italian restaurant was founded by a guy named Bill Darden. I mean, is there a less Italian name in all of human history? It was also initially owned by General Mills. Well, so that's how they can make pasta so cheap

because they're the serial company. That's right. They just used all the leftover like cheerios went into the pasta. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. All right, we're clearly, we've accidentally found ourselves left over like cheerios went into the pasta. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But pasta is long potatoes. Well, disagree. I was trying to tie it in. It's a good attempt to tie it in. But to me, that question is indicative of how far removed we are from the food supply.

Like I spent six months growing about 42 black eyed peas that I ate on New Year's Day, they were delicious. But beans and potatoes, in terms of how you grow them, have essentially nothing in common. Like, the only thing that they have in common is that they aren't meat. Yeah, they are from plants, they're plant things. Yeah, but I mean, the way that you grow them

is completely different, the way you harvest them is totally different. I don't think beans are small potatoes. I think however that potatoes are Overrated No, I don't I don't I don't I think potatoes are great. So get back immediately I didn't hold on. I don't think I don't think beans are small potatoes I do think that potatoes are the single most important thing

that ever happened to humanity. They're so important, they're good. They are these. You could write a history of the world through the lens of the potato and it would all make sense. Like nothing that's happened to humans was really separate from the potato, except for all the stuff that happened before potatoes

were introduced to Afro-Eurasia, which was admittedly 99.996% of human history. Ha-ha-ha-ha. You could do a study of the last 400 years of human history through the lens of the potato, and everything would make sense. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, here I am in Montana, right next door to Idaho, where they agree, John,

and I do, you know, I love a potato in all of its many forms. I've never had a kind of potato that I didn't like. Do you want to get another question? I also like beans. They're chemically very different from potatoes as well. Agricultureally, chemically, they're just not potatoes. Sorry. But potatoes are round pasta. very different from potatoes as well. Agriculturely chemically, there's not potatoes. Sorry, but potatoes are round pasta.

I mean, only nutritionally. This next question comes from AJ who writes, dear John and Hank, I recently read that all swans in England belong to the queen. If I snuck a swan into England, would it automatically become the queen's property? Also, how does one smuggle a swan into England, would it automatically become the Queen's property? Also, how does one smuggle a swan internationally, not planning anything suspicious, AJ? John, I did a kind of a shocking amount of research on the situation,

reswans and the Queen fell way down the Queen owning all the swans rabbit hole. First off, AJ, a swan is never ever going to be an emotional support animal. I know that was your first thought. You could get it on the plane and say, no, I need this, is prescribed by my doctor. It's a swan, it's a vicious bird. It's gonna break people's arms.

They are truly terrifying. You're correct, Hank. I think it would be fairly difficult to smuggle a swan to England, but more to the point, if you did, here's the deal, AJ. Swans that are in open water in England are the property of the queen.

Right, a particular kind of swan. You know, the kind of swan you're used to looking at, AJ. A swan that is in a private pond that is tagged by its owner belongs to that person, the person who owns the pond. But if a swan is in open water in England, it does technically belong to the queen. Now she doesn't do anything with these swans. You can't eat swans in England. You haven't been able to eat them since the 1980s.

It's illegal to kill them. But I guess the queen actually probably could Eat Swan if she wanted to because she is immune to prosecution for any crimes that she would commit But she would never commit any crime. She's amazing. Wait is the queen immune to all crime? No, just prosecution from crime Because yeah, I think you're confused there. She can, she can, she can, she can both commit crime and be a victim of it, just like anyone else.

She just can't be held accountable. Wow, so every day the queen doesn't like just murder as a day, she's just being a good person. Well, I think it might be a little more complicated than that, I think people might get mad little more complicated than that. I think people might get mad. They might start to like call into question the idea of the monarchy. Mmm. Ah, which, well, I'm far from here from them to do that. It isn't weird at all, but England has a freaking queen. I know that you and I feel differently about this, but I am so pro, as you know, I'm so pro monarchy.

We need made up. To be clear, he's pro constitutional monarchy. Oh no, absolute monarchy. I think Queen Elizabeth I should be the one decision-maker in England. Yeah, well that's fine while it's Queen Elizabeth. I'm not so excited for who it gets passed down to necessarily. What are you talking about? It's not like Prince Charles got obsessed with the idea that red wine could fuel cars.

He did. He did. Hey, it's cheaper than gasoline. If you're the king of England. Oh my god, wait, it is cheaper than gasoline. I mean yeah there's certainly some red wines are but it contains far less fuel. It contains far yeah you'd have to. I don't know if I drink a gallon of red wine I'm going. Going somewhere to bed.

What the f*** are we even doing? That was bad podcasting. What was the question? All right, some about swan, something else. Okay, long story short, AJ, don't bring a swan to England. They have plenty. And John, I'm going to say that there's a bunch of swan stuff that we didn't talk about. There's a whole thing where they get rounded up and count. There's a swan census that the queen puts on. I learned way too much about swans and I don't

want to tell anybody about it, but AJ just dress it up like a two-year-old take it on the plane. You'll be fine. That's the best idea you've ever had. I just I love the idea of the flight attendant being like, AJ you're not allowed to bring a swan onto the plane, and AJ being like, I do not appreciate the way that you're talking about my child. This is my son, ma'am. Okay, AJ, I think we found a solution to your problem.

Let's move on to this question from Aaron, who writes, dear John and Hank, I moved back to my hometown after 15 years of being away. It's a small place, and so I frequently run into people I know or knew growing up. I don't usually mind too much, but a guy I knew and went on a couple dates with works the butcher counter at my favorite grocery store.

The first time I saw him, I said, hello, and we chatted for a minute, and I went on my way. But now, I'm not sure what the protocol is. He's there most days I shop. Do I have to stop and talk to him every time? Always out running, Aaron. Oh, it's an Aaron joke. Oh, always out running, Aaron.

I know what's going on. I know that, man. I didn't. I have spent a third of my life running, Aaron's. Hank, you probably have this experience all the time because you live in Mizzoula, Montana, a town of 14 people. I do. And here's the situation.

You smile and nod, you nod at them. You acknowledge that they're there. If you miss eye contact the first time and they're not looking at you, they're doing something, you just walk on by. It's a small town. People see people that they know, especially people who work at the Delhi counter

at a grocery store. They're used to this and it is not weird for them, but if you make eye contact, give them a nod and like a two finger wave, A, and say that, like you're the fans and move on with your day, you do not have to have a conversation with this person every time and in fact probably they would appreciate it if you didn't. Yeah, I think occasionally you can say, hey, how's it going?

Or especially if you're getting something from a meat counter, you can have a little bit of chat, but it's definitely not necessary to like have a conversation every time. And if they're making you feel like it is, I would say they're outside of the norm, not you. Yeah. The other day, Hank, I was at Target and I ran into four people I know in real life, like not people who like my work,

but people who actually know me. And I was at the end of my target trip, I was like, I'm home. I am from Indianapolis now. That was the moment. Yeah. It felt really good, actually. I mean, I don't go to the grocery store

without expecting to see someone I know. Yeah, I think Indianapolis is a somewhat bigger city, but I also think I just get out less. Like whenever I go to Missoula and I visit Hank, he's like the mayor. Like he walks around the coffee shop like shaking hands, talking to everybody, how's the family, remembers the name of your fourth kid, all of that stuff.

Like hands on shoulders, great to see you buddy. And I'm like, who are all these people? And Hank's like, oh, that's the third cousin of somebody I went to grad school with. And like, oh, that's the third cousin of somebody I went to grad school with. And like, oh, that person I had dinner with once in 2004. And I'm like, okay, well, I don't consider those people friends, but Hank does. Well, I wasn't the commissioner of this morning

and a guy comes in who's on a board at a nonprofit with Catherine, Mike. And Mike's like, hey, and he had something for Catherine in his bag that he's been meaning to give to her. And then he asked me a question about YouTube videos, and then somebody comes in and sees Mike and starts to ask, like, talking to him, like, hey, Mike, and it's just like,

it's like, now Mike's talking to me and talking to that guy, and, ugh. And then you meet that guy. And then the next time that guy is at the coffee shop, you're like, hey, Joe, I, this is why I don't leave the house. I love the coffee shop so much. I think it's great. Hank, have you ever thought of running for mayor of Missoula

because I think that would be a great third act in your life story? I know the mayor and it looks like a real hard and annoying job, honestly. Yeah, that is the downside of public service is the service part of it. Yeah, the thing I don't like about public service, John, is that I would be required to do service for the public. Right. It's terrible, but it's true.

I am very grateful to our public servants who take their responsibility seriously, and there are lots of them, and they get very little credit for the work that they do, and I am very grateful. Which reminds me, John, that this podcast is brought to you by public servants. Now they don't have a lot of money to sponsor with, so they gave us nothing for this message. But public servants make the world function, and they do it sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a gritted teeth as they push their way through bureaucracy and we all really appreciate it.

And today's podcast is also brought to you by Nicholas' face. Nicholas' face, the only face that will not be destroyed by the artificial intelligence overlords coming for us. And of course, this podcast is also brought to you by the small towns of Travolga, Trithevi, Trigada, Trinno and Trowarmet. I also Trabarwith, which is my favorite one. Trowarmet sounds like a kind of animal that is like commonly hunted in the south. Yeah, but just for fun, not because they don't taste good.

Right, oh, it definitely has very gamey meat for sure. If you think squirrels are bad, try trowarmates. Today's podcast is also brought to you by the Queen's immunity to prosecution. The Queen's immunity to prosecution. She keeps doing nice things anyway. The Queen's immunity and prosecution. She keeps doing nice things anyway. I don't think there is a person in the world who loves the Queen of England as much as I do. I mean, judging by the taboids, people are into it.

I don't, I don't labor under the delusion that she's been a perfect person or anything. I just love her. Like, I don't know what they put in the water to make me love her so much but it works I I mean yeah she does she does seem to be pretty genuinely awesome the in general I feel like maybe we should hold all billionaires to the same standard that we hold the queen to you mean like make them immune from all prosecution we We already did that, John.

We already did that, John. No, that's been covered. John, we've got another question. It comes from Matt who asks, dear Hank and John, I was recently walking in downtown Minneapolis on a busy day when I suddenly needed to sneeze. I turned my head to the side and began to raise my arm to cover my sneeze, but at that very moment a cyclist road passed me from behind on the sidewalk. So surprised was I by the presence of this person that I didn't get my arm all the way up, but the sneeze was inevitable, and I sneezed directly onto the side of his head.

So I was so horrified by the situation that I didn't say anything, and he did not stop biking. What was the proper etiquette here? Saliva and cycling mat. I mean, the proper etiquette is not to cycle on the sidewalk. Yeah, look, Matt, I think you just, you just had an experience that no one ever will get to have,

which is that you got to sneeze on somebody's head and with no negative repercussions. Yeah, the only time you can do that is when you're like three. Or the Queen. Imagine like the Queen sneezing on you and you're like, it was an honor, ma'am. Can you give me a ride on the side of the head here? That's where I like it.

It's like how Louis the 14s palace, one of the best jobs was to like go into the bathroom with with Louis the 14th. That was the job that they were all jockeying for. Oh, those were the days. Hank, why don't we go back to absolute monarchies? We gotta figure it out back then. 85% absolute poverty rate, life expectancy of 36. Oh, good old days. It's amazing what humans can romanticize. Like it's amazing what we can look back on with nostalgia.

I was just watching a couple of period movies, Merry Green of Scots, and the favorite. Yeah, it's like, boy, these costumes are fantastic. Nobody's talking about the fact that all these people are going to die at 42 of smallpox. Yeah. It's just like a hundred. Yeah.

Yeah. The, uh, a hundred. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we don't talk like why do we spend so little time when, you know, enjoying Pride and Prejudice talking about all of the sudden diarrhea that they all had all the time? It's true. You're not wrong. All right. What are we talking about Matt?

Matt, you're good. Everything is fine. Obviously, what are we talking about Matt? Matt, you're good. Everything is fine. Obviously, it wasn't an ideal situation. I'm sure the cyclist has a good story to tell. You have a good story to tell. You probably didn't even give a disease to that person. No, yeah. I, we all have these things that we think about at night,

these interactions that we regret. I, I have this vivid memory of walking while reading a book with my head down and somebody ran directly into me and the person said, you got to watch where you're going. It's true. I shouldn't have been reading a book while walking along a sidewalk in New York City. I'm happy to admit that. However, it takes two people to create such an interaction, right? So what I should have said and what I desperately want to have said is listen, we both needed to be watching where we were going. We both have suffered consequences as a result of this shared failure.

And now hopefully we will move forth in the world better people for it. But I didn't say that, and it's haunted me ever since. Matt, I need to forgive myself for that. You need to forgive yourself for this. We all need to forgive ourselves and move on. It's what the queen would want. Matt, is there any chance that the person you used on was like Andy Richter or somebody like mildly famous?

That's a great example of somebody who's mildly famous. Because if you get like even if like it's not a hundred percent you could like ice knees on a stranger who is biking past me isn't a good story. Ice knees on Andy Richter as he was biking past me is an amazing story. So it was even the slightest chance. Yeah. Just make it be Andy Richter. Yeah, I mean, I can think of a few people better than Andy Richter, like I sneezed on Gary Busy as he was cycling past. Mm, what a story.

I sneezed on Nome Chomsky as he was cycling past would be good. Very good. And also Nome Chomsky is a cyclist. Oh, he definitely cyclists. Yeah. I could picture him cycling along and getting sneezed on. and also, Noam Chomsky is a cyclist. So it's not a cyclist. I could picture him cycling along and getting sneezed on. Or like, or you'll never guess who I sneezed on today.

Just cycling past me, it was Tori Amos. Oh, I hope Tori Amos as well. I'm sure she's fine. I bet she's cycle all the time. I'll accept for the fact that she just got sneezed on for God's sakes. Hank has some respect. I think she understands. She understands the inevitability of sneezing as much as anyone. John, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and

AFC Wembleden, we got a couple of notes from people that I do want to get to. I got a couple of notes from people that I do want to get to. Sure. A lot of people wrote in asking about the object that was consumed outside of your body if you enjoyed it and what on earth it was. Yeah, so I would say about two days after we recorded the podcast, I was walking down to the basement and all at once like a clap of thunder I thought bath salts It's bath salts and indeed it was bath salts, which I'm very excited about I haven't consumed them yet because I've got a bit of a bath salt backlog to be perfectly honest

I take a lot of baths and I always use bath salts But also this is a thing that people know about me, and so it is a frequent gift. But I will say the Montana bath salts that y'all give me every year for Christmas are the best bath salts I use all year round. So I can't recommend them highly enough, although I don't remember the name of the brand, so I can't recommend it.

Don't worry, I don't either. All right, the other thing we've gotta get to, in the last podcast I made a joke about how the California bar exam, if you passed it, you got into all the bars. This turns out to not be true. I was just making a joke for the record, but lawyers, God bless you all, are, you know, the stickers for literally, literally, and that's great. I'll just read this one email from John who says, allow me to be one of the many lawyers

who will write in to say that the California bar is not that useful unless you want to live in California. California's bar is tied for least useful. As other states won't allow you to use it unless you have practiced for a number of years making it equivalent to any random other state bar. The correct state bar for your analogy would be the New York bar.

Since New York is now a universal bar exam state, the universal bar exam crosses something like 20 states. But I will note that North Dakota is also a UBE state. So to drive the point home, unless you wanna live in California, even the North Dakota bar would be superior. Signed, John. Of course he signed off signed.

Yeah. That was a great email, John. And then didn't sign anything because it was an email. Well, no, I love it. I love signed comma. That's a great sign off. It's a literal sign off. Hank, yes.

Do you remember? Just the last time we recorded the pod. Yeah, when I say a while ago We're going into the festive season. We play three games in 10 days. We'll see what happens Mm-hmm What happened is that we won two of those games and threw the other one whoa Seven points from three games we went from having four wins to having six wins. AFC Wimbledon is still at the bottom of the League 1 table after seven points from three games. Now, still in 24th place. Last time I checked you were in 23rd place, John.

Yeah, then Plymouth Argo won a game, but we did beat them when we played them, which was a game that we absolutely had to win. So here's the situation. AFC Wimbledon are still, because other teams around them also had relatively good holiday periods, sitting in last place. However, we are closer to safety by quite a bit

than we were in the past. We're only five points away now from 19th place. So that is still a lot to make up. Here's the deal. In the past, when teams have gotten 52 points from League 1 out of their 46 games, they have stayed up. You get three points for a win, one point for a tie. AFC Wimbledon after 26 games with 20 games to go, have 22 points.

So we need 30 points from our last 20 games. We need to win 10 of our last 20 games in order to stay up. Is that possible? Yes, but it is not easy to win half your games when you are technically at the moment the worst team in the league. So that's the deal. I will say, John, that you played Portsmouth the number one team in the league. And you almost drew. Oh, we were so close to a tie in that game. And that is really encouraging. We were playing

them away from home as well. And Quesia Pios scored a phenomenal goal. It was amazing. 30 yards out. It was a gorgeous goal. And it was almost enough, but Portsmouth scored another goal to go ahead. So Wimbledon did not get any points from that game.

I have to say that what I saw over the holiday period, I watched all of the games on my phone and what I saw was really encouraging. I saw a team that is going to fight to stay in League 1 and obviously it's going to be an extremely difficult task, but we'll see. There's a little part of me, Hank, that just cannot stop believing that we are going to find a way to do it. So we'll see. Is there anyone that you can get like, I don't know what a name of a good soccer player is, but one of them and just sign them up right now. Yeah, the January transfer window is technically open, which should we do

a go fund me? Actually, Wimbledon fans do get together every year and donate to a fund to buy and pay players. Wow. So, that go fund me basically already exists. At this point, the fundraising focus for the club has to be on the new stadium. That's the most important thing, making it as finished as it can be, making it as good as it can be to move into for the 2021 season. But yeah, I mean, hopefully maybe we'll pick up one or two players in the transfer window. We might also lose a couple

players. We might we might have to sell a couple players. So we'll see. Well, John, in the news from Mars, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk was recently asked what his thoughts were on the first Martian being not human, but an intelligent machine, perhaps designed by AJ. And he replied, it was Nicolas. It was possibly, or possibly NICOLUS. AJ was a different one. Elon Musk replied that it was 30% chance that the first human being on Mars

will be an intelligent machine. Now I have to ask, will that count? Does that count? What did I say? What's the bet? I mean, is the rover a relatively intelligent machine? No, I think we're talking about like human level intelligent machine. Okay, so Elon Musk who thinks that humans are going to be on Mars within like four or five

years thinks that there's a 30% chance that in that four or five year time frame when the first humans go to Mars, those humans will actually be some kind of artificial intelligence created by Nicholas. I think I'm just going to throw this out there, Hank. I don't think Elon Musk has a great sense on when humans are going to get to Mars. He also said that he himself has a 70% chance that he will go to Mars, despite there being a good chance,

though he did not give a number to this chance that he will not survive the trip or long after arriving. That is like a call for help, I think. I'm good. As you know, I'm concerned. That is, I honestly, I find that a little alarming and it's weird to me that other people don't.

But God bless him. There's nothing like guys given percentage chances to things like we know what we're talking about. I do that all the time where people are like, so are you gonna be in on time for the shoot tomorrow? And I'm like, I'd say probably like a 42% chance I'll be there on time. Yeah.

As if the like, that it seems so right to me. Yeah, but it's just made that of a different chance. The difference between your percentage chances and Elon Musk's percentage chances is that in my experience, yours are pretty accurate. Whereas if there was any way I could make a very large bet against Elon Musk getting to Mars in his lifetime at the odds of like, you know,

two and a half to one or whatever, I would take that bet in a heartbeat. Whereas I do think there's about a 42% chance you'll be at the SciShow shoot on time. I don't know, man. Well, you won't be right on time. You'll be like six minutes late, and then you'll be like,

but you'll think you're on time. You know, you'll feel on time. Everybody will be like, yeah, that's when we expected you to show up. I need to be more respectful with people, John, and their time by arriving at the Olive Garden in Tintajel when I as said that I would. Well, how are earth is that place pronounced?

T-I-N-T-A-G-E-L. What part of England is this? I think you're getting it. John, do you want to know some other place names from around this area? Because I've got more. Desperately. Trilil. Tracinny. Trvegan. Traburgut. Trilil. Trilil is one. also Tricuit, also Tregelist, and Trowethan, and Trowetha. What's happening? Trillite, somebody explain this to me.

There's also a place called Otterham around there. That's just Otterham, which sounds nice. Imagine being the only non-triple place when you're like, well, I'm from Otterham and everybody's like, boo, otterham. This isripleist when you're like, oh, I'm from Otterham and everybody's like, boo, otter. Boo. Boo. But then you're like, but it's a town of otters.

Everybody's like, oh yeah, nevermind, that's cool. I would not be totally surprised if you told me that in England, there is a little town that is inhabited only by otters that has its own otter mayor and has its own otter church of England churches. And like, they've got their own otter god and the whole thing. I would not, like, that seems within the realm of what I understand to be true about England plausible.

I want to move to Crackington Haven, just so that I can live in Crackington Haven. Oh, I want to move to England just so that I can be a servant of the Queen. Like I've always dreamed of being. Just want to be, what are they called? Peoples, students, subjects, subjects. I just want to be a subject of the queen. Ha ha ha ha. Hank, it's been a pleasure to pod with you here in the new year as the old saying goes next year in

Trouwormit. Okay, that's how it goes. If you want to email us your questions, please do that. We are at HankinJohn at gmail.com. You can find John on Twitter, but he won't see it at John Green. You can find me at Hank Green, because John isn't using Twitter for the next year. It's great, by the way. I do miss Liverpool, Liverpool tweeting, and AFC Womalton tweeting, but I don't miss Twitter. This podcast is produced by Rosiana Halsey-Rohassen, Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonzorno.

The music that you're hearing now, and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great gunorola. We wish you endless pasta forever and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. you