Dear Hank & John - 173: My Ghost Date, Timothy

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

What should I do at prom by myself? Can ghosts ride in cars? How do you end a voicemail? And more! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]! Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Who was I for think of it, your John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your question, give you to be a advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and... let's see, Wimbledon John! Yes. Can you believe that after 15 years of it going off the air, people are still making references to the TV show Friends?

They are? I mean, no one told making references to the TV show friends. They are. I mean, no one told you life was gonna be this way. I'm sorry. It's not. I mean, what's the good news? The good news, Hank, is that there's been a game-changing, that's a, quote, approval of a liver transplant procedure that is expected to have the waiting list for liver transplants. Oh, that is amazing.

Procedure is a good reason for use in the UK this week uses a perfusion machine to keep donated to the liver's viable for transplantation for three times longer than current methods. Oh, okay. So it gives the livers a little bit more time to like move around and thus spread out across to more potential recipients. Correct. Correct. So, yeah, we are making progress all the time on the big healthcare challenges that we

face as a species. You know, John, that seems like really big news that I didn't hear about. Hmm, I wonder why. Maybe it's because good news tends to not like penetrate into the social internet in quite the same way that bad news is unless, unless that good news is the release of a new song by the killers, in which case it does do a good job of penetrating into the social media sphere.

I did not, I actually did not hear about that. Well, you must not be following Rosiana on Twitter because even though I'm not on Twitter, I felt through the ether the release of a new killer song. I find that what is mostly penetrating to me, as someone who actually uses the social internet, is the most ludicrous news at this point. What I really hear about is the stuff that you're just like, what and how? And also why are we talking about this? Oh, it is as if these platforms are built

for comedy, not information. Can you tell me an example of something that's ludicrous that people have been talking about that I know nothing about? I don't know, did you hear that for the last three days, no one can talk about anything except for the fact that Donald Trump served hamburgers to a football team at the White House?

No, I did not know. You didn't hear about all my, it's astounded to me that you didn't hear about this. What has it? It's like theoretically, quote unquote, because of the shutdown. He didn't, they were like, we can't, we don't have enough staff to,

this is not actually the case, but like, whatever. To like make food for everybody. So they just got 300 hamburgers from Burger King Wendy's and McDonald's, because they wanted to use all three of them so that they didn't show preference, I guess. Though if you see the chart of the table, which by the way, showed up on my Twitter feed,

the chart of the table and how everything was laid out, Burger King got a very small slice, which is interesting. Oh my God, I'm so glad I've never heard about this. My main question for you is, what about hardies? I mean, I have so many questions. Like poor hardies, hardies work so hard to associate themselves with, you know, that kind of like elite athleticism

that we associate with eating hardies. Yeah. Yep, no, you've really hit your finger on a lot of, a lot of the points people have made, but John, let me tell you, the hot takes do not end there. There, they go deep, they go so deep, you can fall into a well of hot takes and be,

and be sucked down as if you're in the pit of despair. It will continue forever and you will have hot take sand in all of your pores. You know how people are always trying to model what happens inside of black hole sank, but we just can't figure it out. Maybe instead of looking at all these scientific models, we need to look at what happens

when one falls into a hot take black hole and kind of extrapolate out from there. There was no greater hot take black hole and kind of extrapolate out from there. There was no greater hot take black hole than this dumb McDonald's at the White House thing. Oh, there was. Yeah, I mean, it's, I'll say it from the outside, like not having engaged with this at all and not having known that it was a story.

It seems like the stupidest thing in the world to be talking about. From the inside, it also seems like the stupidest thing in the world to be talking about. From the inside, it also seems like the stupidest thing in the world to be talking about. All right, well with that noted, let's move on to some questions from our listeners. This first question comes from Emily who writes, Dear John and Hank, I'm the senior in high school and everybody's starting to get excited about prom.

I already know that I'm going by myself, which is fine except that all of my friends have dates. Hold on, Emily. Is't prom in like May? I think I know when prom is because I crashed a prom a couple years ago, and I'm pretty sure it's in like April or May. Yeah, I feel like it's at the end of the year. Yeah. Well, Emily, how do you already know that you're going by yourself? Like, who knows what could happen between now and April? Yeah, it's high school. Are all those relationships gonna last?

This is an eternity. Half of this, this is it. We have an eternity between now and prom. Half of the couples that are currently scheduled to go to prom together won't be on speaking terms by prom anyway. How do I balance hanging out with my friends and respecting their privacy with their dates? And most importantly, what should I do during the inevitable awkward slow dance? Disappearing to the bathroom, wander around like a lonely ghost, make a scene and pull the fire alarm?

Do be as advice as much appreciated. Not a comparison using like or as Emily. I don't get it. Simily. Simily Emily. It's good. I'm there. I've arrived.

I think definitely wander around like a lonely ghost. I wouldn't have put that on the list myself. But now that you brought it up. I was going to advise where you slow dance with an imaginary person, where you just do the full slow dance and you're holding them nice and close, or maybe you're actually holding them at a four inch distance, the way that you do when you're slow dancing,

and you just kinda walk slowly around, and if somebody's like, so what are you doing? You're like, oh, I'm dancing with my date. You can't see him, that's weird. What's wrong with you? He's a dead person, he's like, so what are you doing? You're like, oh, I'm dancing with my date. You can't see him. That's weird. What's wrong with you? He's a dead person. He's a ghost. He died in the 1800s.

His name is Timothy. This is my ghost, Timothy. Yeah, but it's not weird because he died at 17. So it's a totally legitimate thing. He's been a ghost for 300 years, but it's okay because he's aging differently. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you push, you push pause on that. That's age. It's like you don't want to.

You're not sure. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody knows that. We're going to talk more about ghosts later in the episode, John. Emily, you've got to take a ghost from the 19th century named Timothy to prom. I think. Look, it's fine if you don't want to go with a Timothy. There's lots of other ghosts in the ghost pond. That's very true. I think the main thing though, Emily, is that you've got to go all in on this. So like when your buddy's rent a limo and like somebody sits next to you,

you've got to be like, hey, hey, get what? Why are you sitting on Timothy? God, it's inappropriate, okay? He's my date. But maybe actual advice. You can, during the slow dances, be like, I'll look at my friends are having a great time. I de-theoretically, there's gonna be some other things to do.

There's gonna be punch. Maybe you can go to the punch, get some punch, go to the bathroom, you know, do all that stuff. And then as far as how to not like, you know, encroach on the privacy of your friends, I have no idea. Now that I've set it out loud. Hank, I'm gonna confess that the reason I mentioned

I crashed a prom a couple of years ago was in the hopes that you would ask me about it, but I guess- Well, I know about it. I'm aware of the situation. I know all about it. You do? Yeah.

You tell me about when I crashed a prom. That was something you did. That's great. That's a great, that's a good version of the story. I crashed a prom. It's good. Two years ago, as like a 40 year old man, I believe I was 39 to be fair.

So, John, I've got another question here and is remarkably apt, considering the situation, re the ghost Timothy in the limo. Sure. Onika asks, dear Hank and John, can ghosts ride in cars? I'm riding a book with a ghost protagonist and she travels around a lot.

How does that happen? A pumpkin's in Tinguins, on a cow. Can ghost's right in cars, John? This is more of a question for you, Hank, because when it comes to world building in fiction, what I do is I look outside of the Starbucks where I'm writing from, and I look outside of the Starbucks where I'm writing from and I look at the businesses that are outside

of that Starbucks and I write about things happening inside of them. So I'll be like, oh, there's an Applebee's. I bet I could use that or I'll be like, oh, look at that Speedway gas station. All right, well, I'll venture my best. Anika, it's on you. It's your call.

This is the great thing about writing. Like, ghosts aren't real. And so you get to create the ghost rules. You are the... Don't tell Emily that, Hank. You are the master of the ghost law. What are ghosts? Are ghosts tied to physical objects?

And so they have to inhabit the space where they always are. Are they able to teleport? Are they tied to individual people? Can they become linked to a person and can only travel where that person is going? Can they detach themselves from one object and detach themselves to another? Because if a ghost is completely ethereal

and can move through walls and stuff, you gotta ask, why don't they just fall to the center of the earth? So you have to explain that. The ghost is interacting and understanding the physical space in some way, and what you really need to do is set up rules and have those rules be consistent.

And then in the end, oftentimes, the great thing about being able to set up your own rules in a universe is that we are so new to them as the reader experiencing the story that we won't anticipate how you might use those rules in the future. And so we will be surprised when a rule that we have been introduced to and have been living in the world with this rule gets suddenly becomes useful in a new way. And we've are astounded and the plot twist is great. So create the rules and create them in a way

that is consistent, but also might give you a chance to do something weird and special with those rules in the future. Wow. I had never thought about it that way. So try, yes, I think that you should, if it's me, I'm saying make it it that way. So try, yes. I think that you should, if it's me, I'm saying make it so that like the ghost

can have to tie itself to a physical object in order to move around, but there's like a procedure that comes along with that. And so you like leave the house and the ghost is like, I can't just leave. What are you crazy? You don't understand the ghost rules? Yeah.

If it were me, Onika, I would have the ghost probably go to the speedway at 86th and ditch. An Indianapolis. That's familiar with it. You just want to think of gas station. Try to buy a pack of cigarettes and just not be well enough to. Yeah. Oh, now I want to write a story about ghosts. I got all kinds of good ghost rules floating around in my head. I mean, I have never had an idea in my life that does not take place in this world. When I was listening to you talk about that stuff. My mind is completely blown.

How do you even have those thoughts? Yeah, we all got our expertise, is John. It turns out yours is pretty strong and you're doing just fine. I was thinking the other day that I really, I was thinking the other day that what I don't like about old movies is that it's just like people sitting in a room talking to each other. They're just so talky. I love that about old movies. Well, that's probably why you like my books, but I don't, I don't like that at all. And that's why do I write that about old movies. Well, that's probably why you like my books, but I don't. I don't like that at all. Why do I write that? Why do I write books about people sitting in rooms talking?

Alright, this next question comes from Jess who writes, Dear John and Hank, when I have leftovers, I leave whatever utensil I was using in the container with the leftovers. This prevents me from making other utensils dirty every time I want to eat the leftovers, as well as reminding me to eat them because eventually I run out of spoons. When I tell people about this, they look at me weird. Surely I can't be the only one who does this.

You are not. Oh, you are. No, just highest of fives. I also do this. Oh, God, no! Do you really? I do. I do it especially with like, uh, casseroles where I'm gonna need a knife and a fork or a pie or a cake or something. I'm gonna have to cut and fork. I'm like, I can't use a new knife and a new fork every time I get this thing out and so that like you pull it out and it's like

oh the knife's already in there the fork I don't always do because that's been in my mouth particularly but if I lived alone absolutely I would do that and I don't see anything wrong with it I think it's great. I feel like I don't know you anymore. Whatever you put water in your cereal you monster. Now water in cereal is totally normal and it makes sense. It moisten the cereal without having all of the milky flavorness. Using putting a spoon in the refrigerator itself is very weird. I'm just gonna say it. Like there should never be a spoon in the refrigerator. Hard stuff. Yeah, it is a little, so there's something,

there is something special and weird to it when you pull the stuff out. We're using cold spoon. And there's a cold, you put like this cold spoon in your hand and in your mouth. It's a unique sensation, but it's not bad. It's not bad. I think this is, I think this is fine.

And I, and I see why, like I see that from a certain perspective, it seems weird. But I think that the only thing that it, the only reason it seems weird is because it seems weird. You know, it's one of those things. Yeah. No, the more I think about it, the more I think like there's nothing really wrong with doing it. It's just weird.

And so when I encounter something like that, I need to expand my horizons instead of shutting down. And so I cannot think of a reason not to approve of that behavior. So I will think some more. And if I don't come up with a reason, I will, I will, John's going through the process right now. You were in the car with him on the path to a new land of appreciation and understanding. John's mind is being changed right now as we listen.

You're watching the five stages of grief. You're grieving for your lost republicans at the idea of spoons in the refrigerator. So just to go through the bargaining phase really quickly, you wouldn't do it if like multiple people were gonna use... I mean... I guess it's fine! Yeah, even that was kind of fine. I mean, I guess it's probably fine.

Yeah, just God bless you, you know? Good luck, and God speed, and I hope you don't get Salmonella. I don't think this would increase the chances of getting Salmonella, but I also hope that Jess doesn't get Salmonella, because I hope that none of you do. Everyone listening, I hope you have a Salmonella free week. Do you or even? It's a low-bar to jump over, but still.

This next question comes from Lex. He writes, dear John and Hank, my boyfriend and I broke up and I guess we're doing fine. I don't think you're doing fine, Lex. It wasn't a great break up. Things are not good between us. Yeah, plot twist. The problem is we have a class together and there's a seating chart. Now, of course, we sat together with our friends at the beginning. Now he and I sit next to each other and we can't move. What should I do? Do I put a barrier between us? Do I just stare him down? Do I scoot away as far as possible?

Drop the class and move to Latvia. Any advice is appreciated? Not a Tyrannosaurus Lex. Yeah, I mean, I just feel like you put a little note on your quiz that you hand into your teacher and the bottom of the note says, like, here's the answer to question 12. I got this 100% right. And then you say, and also my seat neighbor is a ghost to me now.

And I do not want to be near him. Timothy and I have ended our relationship on not great terms. Yeah, can I change to do a different chair? Yeah, I don't think you did it. There's probably not like an open chair in the classroom for you to move to. So somebody has to switch with you and then people are going to be like, why did you do that? And like, well, we broke up and it wasn't great. Yeah. Things are not good between us to quote you directly, Lex. I guess we're doing fine. Things are not good between us. That's a very breakup feeling.

Oh God, it's awful. Breaking up socks. It's so bad, it's so unpleasant. And it would be terrible to have to sit next to the person that was no longer your partner every day in calculus class. I suspect that if you ask your teacher, your teacher will be cool about this.

And if they're not cool about it, you'll probably have a good story about what an inflexible snigger face your teacher is. How about you become invisible? Is this an option? Lex, have you considered trying ghost? We always talk about ghosting people,

but actually what about becoming a ghost? Well, I don't want Lex to die. No, of course not. Nobody's talking about Lex dying, Hank. We're just talking about Lex becoming a ghost for a while. All right, all right. I'm listening. What's your ghost rules, John? I just don't believe in ghosts. I don't know what else to say. I don't think they're real. It's hard to imagine them doing anything because I can't I don't believe in them. It's hard to imagine them doing anything because I can't, I don't believe in them.

That's great, John, you're great. That's hard, bro. I don't think of myself as an overly concrete thinker, but now that I realize that I'm so close-minded about leaving utensils in the refrigerator and that I can have no ideas about ghosts, I'm starting to reevaluate my whole self. Yeah, it's okay, John.

You know, maybe you had that at some point, but then you hit 40 and now you're just, you gotta be a dad. You gotta be just, you gotta have good news about liver transplants. Hank, if you're trying to make me feel better, telling me that I used to have abilities that I have lost in old age and will never get

back is a bad strategy. Well, I tell you what, that's definitely the case. I have a bad news. At least for my experience, there are a number of things I could no longer do. I went to the doctor recently and we were talking about this knee problem I have and how to make it better. And he said, this is going to be part of your life. And I was like, you mean until it gets better. And he was like, no, until

you are dead. Which reminds me John the fuck that this actually brought to you by things that are going to be part of your life until you're dead. Some of them are good. Increasingly, some of them are bad. But increasingly, some of them are also good. I don't want to make it seem like adulthood is bad news. Adulthood is great news. And life is a sine wave.

And when you're in the trough, never forget that it's a sine wave. Today's podcast is also brought to you by the black hole of hot takes. The black hole of hot takes, it consumes all information and we cannot figure out what lies on the other side of it. Oh, it's certainly not, except for I now want a hamburger. Like that's what I may take away from the whole thing was. Like I looked at a lot of McDonald's and I was like, I want a hamburger now. And I'm vegetarian for the month, so I couldn't get one.

This podcast is also brought to you by The Ghost Rules. These are the rules that the ghosts must abide by, and we do not know them as living mortals. So we must learn the ghost rules through experimentation and inquiry, I guess. That was dangerously close to your fake British accent. Now I have great British accent now. I'm great at it. Also, can we return to the fact that looking at McDonald's hamburgers

made you wanna eat a McDonald's hamburger? That has never been my experience with McDonald's hamburgers. Oh man, I love McDonald's hamburgers. I love everything on the menu of McDonald's, John. I like, I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that and not be ashamed of it. That's a hot take that I feel is coming from a person who maybe hasn't had enough protein today.

Also Hank, did you know that right now at dftba.com you can get some Nerdfighter Valentine's designed by Nerdfighter Sharon? I did know that. They're very good. I like them so much. They are. They're my favorite Valentine's we've ever done. We've been doing it for a long time, but these ones are really great.

dftba.com. John, I got a question here that is for me. So I'm just going to go ahead and ask it, and it says, dear Hank and John, I'm in a high school and I applied and was accepted at the University of Montana in M and ask it, and it says, dear Hank and John, I'm in high school and I applied and was accepted at the University of Montana in Missoula, and I just found out I'm a finalist for a big scholarship, and they want me to come to campus for an interview.

I'm very excited, but I live in Tennessee, and most of my travel time will be spent just getting to Missoula, and I don't think I'm gonna have any time to explore the town. How do I get the full Missoula experience in less than 24 hours? Life is hard from the womb to the tomb, Libby. I feel like this is actually a question for me because I'm the one who visits Missoula

often for only 24 hours and I can tell you right now how to have a great time in Missoula Montana and that is to go to the American Legion, have a 75 cent PBR, and then go to one of the shady, kind of run down pretty depressing casino type things. Yeah, I mean, you could go to the Oxford if you want a legitimate experience. If you wanna see what Mozilla was like, you know, 22, 50 years ago, the Oxford hasn't changed much,

and I don't go there anymore myself because of how I am almost 40, but some of the college students still do. Don't take pictures of strangers. Yeah, it absolutely is. And it's not that I took a picture of a stranger at the Oxford. It's that I was once at the Oxford and someone took a picture of the bar and someone who was at the Oxford got very mad about it and made them delete it.

And it was a very heated moment that I feel like could have gone south easily, which is, you know, the kind of thing that happens at the ox. But there are lots of bars that are nice and not like that. Yeah, there are so many nice like restaurants now in Missoula. It's become a very cool town. Yeah, there's this great, so there's a great like dive bar slash nice bar combination. Alzenvix is an old bar that's been there forever and Alzenvix, the people who run it, their son started a bar adjacent to it called the James bar and it's like sort of upscale and posh. And the nice thing about this is that the bathrooms

are in the James bar, so the bathrooms are nice. But if you were like a dive bar experience with nice bar bathrooms, house and place of the place to go. I think that we're giving a lot of bar advice to a 17-year-old. Oh, dang it. This is maybe one of the big problems with Mizzoua that the most of this stuff to do is related to beer.

But there is other stuff. I suggest just like walking down Higgins, just going over the bridge, like start at the top by the X's by the railroad, walk all the way down over the bridge to the hipstrip, which is what they call the part of town we're parking is still free, and there's like bookstores and places, and you know, snack on whatever you walk by, and there's that, and then you might want to also just hike up the M, and see the M is a big giant M that's on the side of the mountain,

and you can hike up at the M and see a nice vista of the university and the town, and also think to yourself, oh, that was surprisingly difficult. I do not hike up mountains very often, but if you live in Mizzoula, you'll do it all the time and it won't be hard anymore. So, all right, there you go. You're gonna go for a walk because that's what you can do in Mizzou But if you live in Missouri, you'll do it all the time and it won't be hard anymore. So all right, there you go.

You're gonna go for a walk because that's what you can do in Missouri if you can't drink. Hank, I've got another question for you. This one comes from Sarah who writes, dear John and Hank, I've tried to Google this to no avail. I'm hoping you can help. Several times a week, I'm faced with this question,

which option uses the least energy, not including my own exercise? One, grab a soda in an aluminum can from the fridge on my floor, or two, take the elevator down to the ground floor, refill my reusable cup from the soda fountain on the ground floor, and take the elevator back to the fourth floor.

Thank you for your help. K-ser-rah, Sarah. I mean, I'm glad that you are concerned about this. I think you may be over amplifying the level of impact, either of these decisions are having. It's good to be aware, but my guess is probably the best thing is to go down the elevator and refill a cup. That's my guess. Yes, I agree. It's not even close actually, because the energy cost involved in getting the water and the soda into the can

because most soda fountains use like local water. So I suspect in the end, this is not close and you're better off getting in the elevator, especially because there's at least a chance that the elevator was already going to be in use, right? Like some percentage of the time you're getting on an elevator that somebody else is already on. But definitely the best thing would be to just fill up a bottle of water. Well, but then how are you going to get that sweet, sweet diet, Dr. Pepper taste?

I do like soda. Oh, me too. It is such. It is one of my, yeah, me too. I just, I can't, I, yeah, I can't stop. I can't stop it with soda. John, this next question comes from Alex who asks, dear Hank and John, how do I end a voicemail? You don't say bye because there's no one to say bye to. What do I do?

Rhymes with orange, Alex. John, what do you say at the end of voicemails? You know how my friend Chris ends phone calls, and I think this is actually a really effective strategy. It was also used, do you may remember, Hank, by our mother's father, our papa. Uh huh. The way Chris ends a phone call,

I know how papa ended my end phone calls. The way Chris ends a phone call is by hanging up. Don't be ridiculous. We're done with this. Every time I talk to Chris, the conversation ends when I hear the click. And it was the same when we would talk on the phone to our grandfather when we were kids like, Papa would ask us questions. He would tell us about what was going on in Birmingham,

how things were with the family, and then click. Yeah, it's like he just decided the phone call was over and it did not tell, I mean, hey, that's his, that's his prerogative. He's the grand dad. He could do whatever he wants. Papa also had a reputation for being in meetings and getting bored and leaving them. Yeah, no, I wanna develop that reputation as well.

Me too, I wanna, I think about that all the time. There's so many times in my life when I'm like, man, if I were Papa right now, I would just stand up and walk out. We were watching a TV show last night. We were like two thirds of the way through watching the Marvelous Miss Maze little episode. We were watching and Catherine stands up.

She walks out of the house into the 10 degree weather in her just normal clothes. And I'm like, what just happened? And I said, are you okay? And she said, yes, I'm like what just happened and I said are you okay and she said yes I'm just taking a picture of this table that's my that's my life John and wait why was the table outside it was like the table on our porch and I'm like if you get a picture of the table on the porch you have to be such a fancy person in this world to have an outside table it's a very small table to be clear. Oh yeah sure of course that's what all the fancy people say no it's not that it's not that great of an outside table.

You know I've just picked it up at Pier one no big deal. It's got a plant on it. Oh it's great. I mean it doesn't have a plant on it right now because because it's winter time, so there's nothing on it. I want to tell 22-year-old Hank that he's going to own an outside table in the zoo of Montana, where you can only use it like three months a year. That's not true, Libby.

It's nice for more than three months a year. Oh, nice. What's nice? Hank's like, Libby, please come to college here. We need you. We need everybody who wants to come to Montana. Yeah. What was the question? I don't know what were we talking about.

How you end up voicemail? Oh, right. Of course, that makes perfect sense. You just walk out. I don't know, you get your information done and you hang up. Boom, done. Be a papa. Yeah, be a papa.

This next question comes from Joe, who asks, dear Hank and John, I live in Australia and the other day I was on a bush walk with my parents and we were listening to the birds and it got us wondering whether birds learn their call from their mum or if it's just natural to them. For instance, if a magpie grew up with a crow, would it have the call of a crow or the call of a magpie grew up with a crow, would it have the call of a crow or the call of a magpie? Please answer, and if you do, does it apply to other animals like cats and dogs? I'd really like to know, Joe! Have you ever been on a bushwalk, John? No, definitely not. I think you have. I think you go on a bushwalks all the time. It's just like a hike.

It's like a walk in the woods. If I walk in the woods, I'm going on a bushwalk all the time. It's just like a hike. It's like a walk in the woods. If I walk in the woods, I'm going on a bushwalk. Correct, yes. Well, then yes, I've been on many. I was on one earlier today, I guess. I'm just gonna go to Wictionary and make sure. It's a hike, an off-road walk in the countryside, possibly wearing a backpack, undertaking as a leisure activity.

I went to Urban Dictionary to find out the same thing, and it is very different over there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and they hang out together a lot, at least in my observations on the white river in Indianapolis, the ducks start to sound like geese and the geese start to sound like ducks. Now, I don't know, I don't know if that's real, but that is my experience. Good, good, this is what John knows from his Bush walks. I also know, here's what I know,

on the West Coast crows, which are the same species, sound different than they do on the East Coast. They make a different call. They go, and here, they make a crow noise. They go, call, call. On the, where I grew up in Florida, crows go, beep, beep, beep, beep. It's the dumbest noise.

I mean, boy. Who taught you this? Learn crow. Learn how to speak Crow like the crews. I'll tell you what, Joe, you came to this podcast for high quality ornithology and you got it. So that's that's our experience. My guess is if you Google this, you'll be good. Oh, man, I think we have a related, we have a related question. We have a related question. Okay. This question comes from Kaylee.

It's quite serious, but it is related. Dear John and Hank, I've heard you talk a few times on the pod about the ability you both have to speak with authority that you don't actually have on subjects where you don't actually know if what you're saying is correct. Uh huh. Yep. Okay. Although Kaylee, as we just showed you, we also have the ability to sound like we have no idea what we're talking about.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. My dad has this same talent, and it's a real problem. My dad loves to argue specifically about politics, but he refuses to leave room for the possibility that he might be wrong. This would be fine, but his ideas are completely bananas. Like, I'm all for healthy political discourse, but he'd rather talk about conspiracy theories than policy.

For example, my dad thinks that the women's march protesters were paid actors funded by Warren Buffett, because there's no other way several protests could have possibly popped up all over the world on the same day without someone pulling the strings. Are you sure it's Warren Buffett, Kaylee, because usually it's George Soros, but maybe it's Warren Buffett this time. Regardless, it is ludicrous to me to think that Warren Buffett could organize something like that either. Obviously, it's difficult to make your point when the person you're arguing with speaks as confidently as an expert and you don't have your list of sources readily available. What are some strategies to get around this and have a productive conversation with my dad,

Art Varks and alternative facts, Kaylee? Kaylee, I don't know that it's there. I don't know that that path exists. Right. Yeah, unfortunately, I also don't think that the path exists because especially when you're dealing in conspiracy theories, presenting counter-vailing evidence doesn't often help because that's part of the conspiracy. Like, it all facts can be dismissed as part of the conspiracy. So you can talk to people who believe that the earth is flat about the many, many reasons we know the earth is round, but they can dismiss that by saying, no, those

people are also in on the conspiracy. Right. No, this photograph is fake. Yeah. And that's really frustrating and hard to deal with. And, but like like there are also other reasons to talk to people and other things to talk about. And also the love is still there and the connection is still there, and I'm sure that you still care about each other. But maybe this isn't something that you are going to be able to help your dad get free of. Yeah. I mean, maybe you can say to your dad, look, if there comes a time where you want to, you want to talk about this and we can really like look at, look at the evidence, then I'm happy to explain to you who organized the women's march and, and, and who funded it and the fact that these people were not paid actors and, and, and I'm happy to like look at that with you. But I don't think we can have a conversation about it right now because I don't think we're dealing in the

same realities. Yeah. And the only good part of it of having these conversations would be honing your ability to speak with confidence. And that is not going to make your relationship any better. And it is not also not going to change his mind. But I will say that there is power and it is good to be able to speak truth with confidence. And that is a skill that to be developed and something that doesn't happen immediately overnight, it's something that you work on. Yeah, but as you're working on it, you do also have to be careful not to learn how to speak confidently about things you don't actually know that much about, which is why Hank and I always try to call the other out when we're doing that.

Girls go beep. And do you know why girlsows go beef hank? Actually, it's a really interesting story. Yeah, no, they learned it from, and this is what's so fascinating about it, 1984 Ford Escorts. The pitch at which they beep is identical to a 1984 Ford Escort.

And that scientists believe that's where they learned it. That's really- Yeah, it's actually 80s. It indicates that there is a single origin point for the Crow beep, that there was a very powerful alpha-Crow. Yes. And he was sort of romantically involved with a car in the 80s. Right.

And in order to try and push that relationship to the next level, he began this beep call and because he was such a powerful crow, all of the other crows came loaded onto his call and interestingly, even though he never himself procreated because he was so connected with this car, his beep was able to travel around through the Crow community, which is like amazing, because it shows that this isn't just a genetic evolution that these species have. There's

also cultural evolution. Exactly. And the name of that Crow, of course, Warren Buffett. Listen, listen to the words not the tone. That's a great, like, YouTube should have that above every YouTube video. It should say in like bright red letters, listen to the words not the tone. All right, John, another question. This one comes from Rory who asks, do you're Hank and John? My partner and I have been together for over four years and are discussing getting married in weddings.

The problem is that I grew up in the UK and she grew up in Canada and we both currently live in Sweden with our family and friends spread out around the world and not wanting to leave anyone out. We're having a conundrum. Any dubious advice would be greatly appreciated. Rory, I think in this situation you get married in the Atlantic Ocean?

No, John. No. Iceland. Nope. Mmm. Rory, you and your lovely partner are going to get married on Twitter. No. No.

No. Everybody's's gonna be there. And I'm just like, do you, Rory, take Allison to be your waffling-letting wife and then you tweet, the pastor tweets that and then you reply to the tweet, I do, and it's just all on Twitter. Everybody's gonna be like, oh, the world is ending and I hate everything and everybody can be there. Everybody can come and there will be so many hot takes about it. Yeah, they'll be like, Rory's suit is blue.

No, it's yellow. It'll be great. My meme usage is extremely dated because I don't have access to the internet. That's bad. That's bad. So are we still talking about the dresser have we moved on? We've moved on from the dress, John.

Yeah, that's a terrible idea, Rory. Listen to the words, not the tone. The best idea is to get married where you want to get married and hope that your friends and family can come and if they can't come, that's okay. You'll still be married and they will still love you and you will see them on your round the world post marriage trip or something.

I actually have friends who did that and it was so fun. I mean, do you guys have unlimited resources because you should totally do that. You should go get married in every continent. No, you should only get married once. But presumably at some point, they will go to both Canada and the UK,

where they are from. And when you go to Canada, you can have a little party with your Canadian friends. And when you go to the UK, you can have a little party with your British friends assuming there is still a great Britain at the time. And yeah, that'll be nice. Yeah, I do feel sometimes like how do you make it clear that you do not expect people to

lay down like $5,000 getting to your wedding? Like that is just, it is an amount that is unreasonable to expect, or maybe it's the kind of thing that someone will do, but you want to say, like, don't do this. You don't want to say, you don't have to do this. You want to say, don't do it. Do not make a bad financial decision right now. Like, do not use, like, the next five years

of your savings to come to my wedding, like, we will get to to you and we will celebrate us coming together, but it's not going to be this official thing. Because we live two international life style, which is very cool. Don't get me wrong. I don't know. Obviously people shouldn't feel obligated, but if they want to come to your wedding and you want them there, it's fine.

I just feel like to some extent, we do need to redefine some cultural norms in a world that is different. And so, once was completely normal for you to be in the town where you were, and for many people still is, to be in the town where you were raised, be married, and have all of your friends and family already there, everybody's from the same place. That used to be like 100% of people. And now that percentage is going down, and so we have some traditions that might be somewhat based on older systems.

And it can be really difficult to try and maintain that if not everybody's able to. And so one, certainly be understanding, but two, also try and be clear that you're not gonna require anybody or be mad if people don't show up. Yeah, so our vote is for multiple small parties so that your wedding never ends. That sounds terrible. It certainly does.

Hank, before we get to the all important news from Mars and the AFC Wimbledon, we need to address a pressing issue, which is about olives. That's why I said pressing. Anybody? No, too much. Too much. Wow, geez, I thought that was my bag. Everybody in England, and I mean everybody,

wrote in to tell us that all of the olive gardens in England, so far as we can tell, are not actual olive gardens. They are just restaurants named Olive Garden that are independently owned. Yeah, are they all independently owned from one another? It would seem so, and lots of people seem to feel like they really wanted an Olive Garden in their town, but their town was not yet civilized enough for a proper Olive Garden. So instead, they had this like knock off Olive Garden. And lots of people in

Wiggen, for instance, were like, trust me, Wiggen doesn't have an Olive Garden, to which I would say, I don't think you've been to an Olive Garden. I mean, I'm looking at the Olive Garden in Wiggen all of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden.

All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden.

All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of a sudden. All of Olive Garden. Yeah. They just stole Olive Garden, but it's not an Olive Garden.

Yeah, but it's because Olive Garden, the Olive Garden based in Orlando, Florida, that Olive Garden, it can't get to England. It can't get there, because it has to follow the ghost rules. Yeah, due to the, I'm sure you're familiar with the Olive Garden ghost rules. Hank, you can't swim across an ocean, especially if you're an Olive Garden.

Lots. So anyway, to all of you from all over the United Kingdom who wrote about the Olive Garden issue, we understand that there are now multiple Olive Gardens. One founded in O'Band Scotland, one founded in Wigan, etc. And we wish all of those Olive Gardens good luck with however Brexit works out. Maybe it's just going to work out where there's just like a lot of, in addition to leaving the European Union, like Great Britain will break up into a series of increasingly small city states until finally, you know, there's like 18 different warring governments inside the city of London.

Right. So like maybe that will happen before May and they'll call off the soccer season and AFC Wimbledon won't be relegated. Here's hoping, John. What's the best possible outcome from Brexit, John? Oh, a series of wars between tiny city states that results in the suspension of the soccer season. Everything will be fine. It's really all about AFC Wimbledon.

So, John, speaking of, can you give me the news from AFC Wimbledon? Sure. I'd love to so AFC Wimbledon are in the fourth round of the FA Cup for the first time in their history since reforming it's very exciting It has nothing to do with how well we're doing in Lee one the third tier of English football Which is poorly we actually tied our last game, which was a reasonably good result, and yet despite that reasonably good result, we are now like much further adrift in League 1. We are in last place, and the team that is in second to last place, unfortunately, is four points ahead of us, so a win and a draw ahead of us. 19 games remaining in the league one season.

We have to win at least nine of those and possibly 10 of them. So ASC Wemildin are in the fourth round of the FA Cup, which is very exciting. And like I said, it's the first time we've been there in a long time. Really cool, super happy playing West Ham, a premier league side.

And the game is on January 26th Hank and it's gonna be kind of televised in America. Oh, that doesn't seem likely. And by kind of, I mean that it's gonna be on ESPN plus, which is a ESPN subscription package, but it is a really high quality stream and there is a free trial. So wait until January 25th to sign up for ESPN Plus and then cancel it after AFC Wimbledon stuns the world in Beats West Ham. Well, and if you get to the fifth round of the FA Cup, what happens then?

Ah, big payday. I'm sorry. Are you winners? Did you, do you, do you win a trophy? No, no, no. We would be in the final 16. So we would be, several games still away from winning a trophy.

So, yeah, I mean, probably not gonna win a trophy. Fine. That's okay. Trophies are fine, but paydays are great. So I'll be rooting for you. Yeah, it would be like one of the great stories

of the 21st century, if AFC Wimbledon made it into the fifth round of the FA Cup. So I for one would be incredibly excited. So it's probably not going to happen as what you're saying. All right, John Wilman News from Mars, the Republic of Georgia, you know about them, right? Sure, of course. The country of Georgia and the Caucasus. Georgia is starting a research project to develop different kinds of wine grapes that will survive well in Mars conditions. So that's a few different things. They wanna create things that will handle cold well,

things that will handle the Martian soil. So they're actually trying, like got a basically a substitute for Martian soil that they're trying to use to grow these grapes in. And they, like, high CO2 environment and high acidity environment, all these things so that they can help astronauts of the future, Mars residents of the future, you know, relax after a long day, do in research and surviving, eaking out an existence on the red planet. And they think that in the next few years,

maybe by 2022, they're gonna have a Mars-friendly great variety ready. So, wow, Mars-Wine. Mars-Wine, why are they doing it, John? You ask? Of course you would. That's because why? There's other stuff to do. Well, it turns out Georgia is where wine is from

and they're proud of that. And they say that since we, since Georgia brought wine to earth, we can do the same for Mars. Really? I mean, that's what the founder of the Georgia and Space Research Agency said. I did not know. Our ancestors brought wine to earth. that the founder of the Georgian space research agency said.

I did not know, and Sender's brought wine to Earth. So we can do the same to Mars. It's beautiful. I mean, it's a beautiful sentiment. It also makes me want to try Georgian wine, which I've never tried before. I've tried wine from the American Georgia, and it's not very good.

But I would be very interested to try wine from the nation of Georgia. Maybe I will put that on my list for things I want to do in my life. They have a lot of different wine varieties that they grow there. They have at this Research Institute, they grow 450 native varieties. So they can do a lot of crossbreeding there. And John, the question apparently on a lot of people's minds, according to this article, is wine on Mars gonna be red or white?

Is it gonna be easier to do white wine grapes or red wine grapes? And I'll tell you, not sure, nobody knows, but some people seem to think that green grapes will be better at tolerating radiation. So maybe white, which would be just fine with me, because red wine tastes way too much. Oh, I like red wine.

You just have to have good red wine, Hank. It can be very jammy and overwhelming if it's not good, but if it's good, it can be very good. Hmm. I just want to like get through life without being able to like identify whether or not a wine is jammy. I just wanna get through life without being able to identify whether or not a wine is jammy. That's actually a pretty good life goal.

It's a really good point actually. I wanna go back in time to before I said that because I can't possibly criticize you for having an outside table and then make grand pronouncements about wine quality. Yeah, mostly I feel like red wine tastes like grapes. Sort of some raisin in there. Hahaha.

For me, it's at least 95% grapey. Now, whatever says wine tastes grapey, and it makes me really suspicious of the entire industry. It's a really good point, Hank. I hadn't thought of that. They're like, you know what, this tastes like grape juice with booze in it.

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Ininimidable means, like, unlike anyone else. Yeah, sure. What is an imitable? What is an imitable mean? I can't indulge in that joke because I'm no longer able to think abstractly. You're too old. The podcast is edited by the very great Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Hallsruos and Sheridan Gibson, who are also great.

And our head of community and communication is Victoria Bonjorno, who is similarly great. He's music that you're hearing now at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Motorola. And as they say in our own town, don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪