Dear Hank & John - 188: The Imperial Bridal March

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

What is the proper thing to do with abandoned table beer? What's the best way to spend time on trains? How do I move on when my favorite show ends? How do I sleep in without waking up with a backache? Should I have played "The Imperial March" at a wedding? Are you allowed to use the soap in another person's shower? Why do some carrots taste earthier than others? Why isn't there a Neptune Day? What should I do about Gavin's grass ideas? John and Hank have dubious advice! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]. Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn. Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. There was a third think of it, Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast. Sometimes where two brothers answer your questions, give you to be a surprise and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John. Yeah. So I have a friend and he has water bed.

And I have gone over to his house several times and enjoyed this water bed. And yet, very recently, it became much bouncier and I was very impressed. Is that the end of the joke? He added a lot of spring water to it. No. There's a lot of things I don't like about that joke. I guess for me, it begins with the idea

that you have a friend who has a water bed and you spend a lot of time on this friend's bed. Like I have really really close friends whose houses I've been to hundreds of times without ever spending the night in their bed because of course I don't. But you don't, but like when you have a friend with a water bed, you gotta go on the bed, right? I, the other, yes, the other issue I have with the joke is that no one has had a water bed in at least three centuries.

I mean, it's amazing that water beds were a thing once. Do you believe this? That they were a thing. They were a huge deal. When we were children in Orlando, Florida, I mean, Orlando, Florida in 1986 was the water bed capital of the world. I bet that's not wrong. I bet like, I bet if you looked at a graph, I would not be surprised if that was the case. I had several friends whose parents had water beds.

Oh, yeah. You have to hear water beds. I remember, Casey's parents had had a water, and I was like, man, these people have it figured out. Oh my God, and was it good? It must not have been good, or we'd still do it, right? It wasn't good, it wasn't good. Also, how do you disinfect it? Do you like have to put chlorine in there? Cause like, you can't just have a bunch

of water sitting there for months and years. Was it cheaper? What was good about water beds? Why did that happen? And why did it stop? Someone make a YouTube video for me. Oh, I'm sure there's an explainer on the history of water beds. Hold on, let me search for it real quick. Got them so tired, by the way. Water beds explained. There is, of of course a water bed explainer on YouTube called water beds used to be a $2 billion your industry what happened. I mean it's a great title too. At this point it's almost like the artificial intelligences in addition to deciding what we watch, make the videos themselves.

They know exactly what's gonna get the cricks. All right, Hank, let's answer some questions from our listeners, including this question from Sadie. Who writes, dear John and Hank, I have a serious problem. Well, that's the only kind of problem we're here to solve Sadie. I usually only have one day off a week, and when I can, I love to sleep in, who doesn't?

But now that I'm old, 31, Sadie. You're at the very beginning of being even something that might be a little bit old. When I sleep in, I wake up with a back ache. How do I combat this? Please don't recommend a Casper mattress. Don't worry, I won't, Sadie.

That said, Sadie, I'm not gonna recommend a Casper mattress. I'm gonna recommend a Casper mattress. Don't worry, I won't say D. That said, say D, I'm not gonna recommend a Casper mattress. I'm gonna recommend a water bed. Yeah, I'm at least gonna recommend a business insider video about why water beds don't exist anymore. No, they're coming back according to business insider. Oh gosh, I'm sure the rise and fall and rise again. John, it's no second accent American lives except when it comes to water beds.

Tyler, all is the only answer I have for this question. No, it is 18. It is 100% happening because of your mattress, Sadie. This is a bed problem. I'm, I used to have a backache. When I would take a nap and I used to have a backache when I would wake up from a long sleep and then I got a better mattress.

And now that I have a good mattress, I don't get backaches anymore, period. I wake up stiff and I wake up stiff every time. And here's the other thing, is that like sleeping in, I don't think it's worth it. I don't think it's worth it. I've given up on sleeping in. I don't do it anymore.

I have to go to the bathroom anyway and so I get up and then I'm up and like,, what am I going to be doing in that bed anyway? Sleeping more than eight hours is like, I don't need it. I don't need it. I used to sleep at nine and a half hours and now I can't. I just feel bad afterward. Like physically worse than if I slept less. There's also a great big story YouTube video called The Groovy Origins of the Waterbed and a CBS Sunday Morning video called The History of Waterbeds. Okay.

I'm starting to feel like I don't need to make a video about waterbeds. Is where I'm at right now with the news about how many waterbed videos there are? Is there room for another one? I got to make a video tomorrow and it might be about water beds. Just watch all the other water vid videos, compile what you learned into a shorter, more efficient video. That's the new vlog where there's brand. Look, you've seen a lot of explainer videos, but they're not treating your time with care.

That's what we do. This video is 30 frickingick in second-zone, because water beds are not complicated. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. This next question comes from Ryan. We assume who asks, Steer Hank and John, 10 minutes before playing Oregon

at an Anglican Church wedding, the jokester groomsman offered me double my pay. If only I would replace the bridal march with Darth Vader's Imperial march, my wife thinks that I did the right thing by not doing that, my nine-year-old disagrees. The bride and her mother seem to be taking everything very seriously. What a shock!

What was the right thing to do? Not the troid you're looking for, Ryan. I'm so surprised that the bride was taking your wedding day seriously. Ryan, what do you do for, you perform organ. You need to take this responsibility with care. No, don't play the imperial march. Sorry if I peaked a little bit there. Well, also, we're not talking about the groom or the bride.

No, we're talking about some jackass friend of the groom. Probably like the guy who just squeezed into the wedding party, you know, to barely. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And and your girlfriends like, I have nine bridesmaids and you're like, oh boy, I guess I'm gonna have to bring old Jack. Yeah, you made the right call and the fact that you're not sure you made the right call

is the only reason we're answering the question because now I'm afraid there are other people out there who have been offered money to play the Imperial March when the bride walks down the aisle. By the way, that's an awesome thing to do if it's the bride and groom's idea. Yeah, totally if you want that. Yes, the weddings are about the people getting married and to a lesser extent those people's parents.

Those are the only folks who should have any say in what happens at the wedding. The correct response to this, the thing that you should have done that you did incorrectly is that you did not slap that groom's man on his face. I mean, I don't believe in physical violence, but I think you should have said to the groom's man, whatever else you have planned for today, don't re-examine. Yeah, because I bet that there was some hygiene

set the reception. Here are some explainer videos to watch instead of doing whatever that is. How to not make someone else's wedding about you. God. Oh, God. Pranking your butt on his wedding day. A bad idea question, Mark? Yes, period.

Well, you can't put that in the video, Hank, or nobody's gonna watch it. Just answer the questions. All right, Hank, we have a question from Phoebe, who writes, dear John and Hank, this is another question of like pretty obvious etiquette, but I'm worried that the world is falling apart, and it suddenly needs us to be Emily post. Recently, I was out by the river with my parents and boyfriend.

That's a fantastic first sentence, Phoebe. I'm all in on your question. We found a table to sit at by an outdoor bar, but when we went over, we saw that there was one clear plastic cup of beer sitting in the middle of the table with no one in sight to claim it. My boyfriend asked the people at the table next to us if they knew if the beer belonged to anyone, and they said, did it have been there as long as they had been sitting there and no one had come for it? I put the beer to the side, we claimed the table, and sat there chatting for about an hour, my parents left, and then my boyfriend proceeded to drink the beer.

Oh wow. He says that beer shouldn't be wasted. I am more hesitant. Yeah. Good. That's great Phoebe. What is the proper thing to do with a band and table beer? Your help would be appreciated in convincing him not to get himself poisoned, frisbee's and freebies Phoebe. Here's the thing, Phoebe. And Hank, I think you're going to back me up on this. and freebies Phoebe, here's the thing Phoebe. And Hank, I think you're gonna back me up on this. Uh-huh. I've just done some rough back-of-the-nappkin calculations,

and this beer had been sitting where it was sitting for at least three hours. Uh-huh. So it was warm, it was flat. Yeah, that's my, like, honestly, that's my main concern. It's not that, like, it's not that, like, I'm worried about the danger of the beer.

It's just like, oh, to an extremely unpleasant beer experience. Like, the reason to have a beer experience is to enjoy it. Yeah. And how could you, like, how could you possibly enjoy this warm, flat beer experience? I can only drink beer when it's between 33 and 34 degrees in temperature. Right. I can hardly finish a single beer because it gets too warm by the bottom.

Yeah, that's never been an issue for me, but I notice that it happens to my wife sometimes. I'd show you, like, do you want the rest of this beer? And I'm like, no, you've been drinking it for 45 minutes. You took too long. A beer has to be begun and finished within like a four minute period, unless you're inside a refrigerator while drinking it. That's, it's what beers are for. I'm, I am all about not wasting food, and I think it's important. I think that we often don't realize how much food gets wasted and how much resources go into the creation of food. We, so I don I think that we often don't realize how much food gets wasted and how much resources go into the creation of food. We, so I don't think that we prize food enough

and beer is food. Yeah. There's calories there. It's certainly made out of food. And so I think that like, you know, ordering the amount of something that you want is ideal. And obviously this person had some kind of situation occur. I don't know what kind of catastrophe resulted in leaving an entire beer undrunk,

but it happened and that's unfortunate. But like, I don't know if I was in college, I'd do this. No, I would never. I would never. No, because you don't even know who the person was who drank the first quarter of the beer. You know what I was like in college, John? You know what I was like. Let's just keep doing etiquette questions

because apparently that's where we need to be. And it's the etiquette spectacular. So this one is from Emily. Dear John and Hank. Wait, Hank and John, I mean, what happened? When you are staying overnight at someone else's house and they invite you to use their shower. Yeah. Yeah. That's a weird way to say that. When you are staying overnight at someone else's house and they invite you to use their shower

It's a weird way to say that Yeah, weird First of all, don't invite someone to use their shower You can say it's fine if you want to take a shower. I guess that's what you mean Are you allowed to use their shampoo conditioner soap April showers bring guilt Emily? I have no idea, but I do. You can definitely use their shampoo. I've always been a little bit on the fence about whether or not you can use their soap. Yeah, it is like this is the same thing that's touching your body that's going to touch their body in the future. Yeah, I think it depends on your relationship with the person like like when I shower at

Chris and Marina's house I use their soap. They listen to the pods so they might be like hold on what? Okay, I'm actually kind of surprised to find that you shower at Chris and Marina's house. No, I mean just sometimes listen at least I'm not like hanging out on their water bed. Listen, at least I'm not like hanging out on their water bed. I like to take my friends' beds for test drives, John. Is that so weird? It's profoundly weird. How are you gonna find what bed you like if you don't try a bunch of them out?

I feel like if you're asking the question then you probably don't wanna soap up too much. Yeah, and the thing is, here's a tip. Shampoo and conditioner are also basically just soap. I don't know what the difference between all of these things is. There's a bunch of different chemicals that you put on your body. And for as far as I can tell,

shampoo is just liquid soap, and you could use it on the rest of your body. And that way, you're not gonna be touching your butt with butt touches of other people's butts. Love it, great answer. This next question comes from Moas, you're right. Thanks, dear John and Hank. My name is Moas, I'm a Syrian refugee who lives in Germany.

I live in a town called Bokum, and I study in a town called Doysberg. By the way, you'll note my excellent German pronunciation. Because it's Europe, I commute every day for up to two hours on trains. It's mostly loud, and there are lots of stops, so reading isn't a good option for me, because it's hard to focus. I use my time for up to two hours on trains. It's mostly loud and there are lots of stops, so reading isn't a good option for me, because it's hard to focus.

I use my time to listen to podcasts and browse through social media, and maybe some music, but I can't stop the feeling that I'm wasting my time. So what's the best way to spend this time every day? Best wishes? Well, yes. Well, first of all,

dear Henga-john is never a waste of time. We're all on the same page here. I can't, I'm not sure I can get behind that at all. Dear Hengajana is an excellent way to waste time. Yes, that I'd like to think that we're an okay way to waste time. I also think if you have two hours a day, good podcasts are actually a pretty good way to spend that time because you can be learning, you can feel less alone, etc. But I would spend at least a little bit of that time talking to someone, like a human

being. Oh, how do you talk to people on a train? That seems like very unjohn green advice. No, no, no, not like talking to strangers. That's, that would be crazy. I mean, like texting with a friend. Oh, okay, writing a nice email. You can write a nice email.

Taking the time to say thank you to someone you wanted to say thank you to, like, using your phone for that, for engagement with people you care about, especially like sometimes it can be hard to reach out to people you haven't reached out to in a while, but then like once you start it gets easier. So I would recommend doing a little bit of that with your phone time, with your train time. I think that's a great, that's a great idea, John. It never, it never would have occurred to me.

My thought was you should listen to podcasts. They can be educational if you want. And also, if you want to write something, if you've got a lot of commuting, and you have an opportunity, if you want to write down a little bit of what you learned from the podcast you're listening to or something that you liked about it,

that will give you an opportunity to, instead of just being a receptacle for information, create some output that will also give you a chance to do some synthesis of what you learned, which will make it stick better in your brain. I find when I listen like history podcast that I enjoy a great deal in the moment,

and then afterward I'm like, I have no idea what history just happened to my brain. Right. It does definitely help to take notes, no matter what you're studying or learning about, whether it's YouTube or podcasts or whatever. I find it's super helpful to take notes. And I think that one of the reasons I know that this podcast is not a good use of people's time is that I never hear from people who are like, oh, the notes I wrote while listening to Dear Hank Ad and John were just revelatory. I realized like several important things.

I want a water bed. I shouldn't drink three hour old beer that is just sitting there and I don't know where it came from. All right, Hank, let's turn to a much less serious question from Dean who writes Dear John and Hank. As my favorite show is coming to a close soon, I feel avoid in my soul cracking and consuming my thoughts This story and the characters have given me comfort no one else could and were the only thing stable in my life Well can't be game of thrones because there was nothing stable about those eight seasons

How do I heal and move on after five years of being a loyal fan? I also can't be game of thr Thrones because it was only five years. Hank, did you watch the Game of Thrones, the big battle? Did no spoilers, by the way, this will contain no spoilers. But did you watch the episode that was like an hour and 26 minute long battle? I did. I did. In fact, the reason why we started the podcast latest is because I was uploading my video of my fan theory about what actually happened to that battle. Well, that sounds like it's going to be a wonderful Hank's channel video and I'm very excited for it. I have no idea what happened in that battle because it was filmed entirely in the dark.

I turned off all of the lights at my house and my 142-inch television that beams things to me in such high definition that even my eyes cannot distinguish between the pixels showed basically a black screen for an hour and 26 minutes. And everyone on the internet was like, oh, this is just because you don't have your TV set correctly. And no, I've watched other programs. Like, it does seem like they spent a lot of money to knock it all that many different colors.

I, not that like the number of colors in a show is how you decide whether something is good or not. I watch, I watch Game of Thrones on my phone because let's be honest with ourselves. I don't have the space in my life to do it, to watch this show anywhere except in my bed. So, it actually looked pretty good with my bed with the with the brightness turned all the way up. I could see everything that was happening. It is really hard when you've loved something for a long time and it feels like a big part of your life and then it

suddenly goes away. There's often also a lot of community around it. There's a lot of thinking about it. It takes up a lot of brain space. I can certainly say that Game of Thrones has taken up a lot of brain space for me in the last few weeks. Really? And, uh, yeah, I think about it all the time. I have found this to be overwhelmingly the least interesting season of Game of Thrones. Uh, well, I am not at all happy about this last episode, which is why I did a whole video about what I think about it. Oh, I think it's fine. I mean, it's just reminded me that like, it's hard to make

the last season of a TV show really good, especially when most of what the TV show has done is built-up expectations. Yeah. It's so much easier to build up expectations than it is to deliver. Yeah. Yeah, that's very, very true. That's very, very true. I don't try to write books with plots because then people get mad at you for not delivering, but what if there's no built up expectation, then they don't get mad? That's perfect. You've done it. You've cracked the code, John.

And here I am writing a book and being terribly afraid that I'm not going to live up to expectations. But I think I'm doing it. I think I'm doing it. Well, if I can give you a piece of advice, it would be don't go harshing on game of thrones because then people will just turn that right back on you. Remember when you said this thing about the thing that happened in that thing, this is just like the thing that you did.

You thought that was bad storytelling, read the sequel to an absolutely remarkable thing. Wush, that's okay. Some people are gonna love it. Hank, what do you do when something you love is ending? Some people are gonna love it. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Hank, what do you do when something you love is ending? Well, first of all, it's always gonna be there. And I do love going back and revisiting

the things that I love. So, you know, I am a huge fan of Star Trek the next generation. I'm never gonna stop watching TNG episodes. Whenever I need something really comfortable, I hit that. Ultimately, like Jane Austen hasn't written a book in a long time, but there's still a lot of fan community

around that, and there's still a lot of joy in watching adaptations, reading the books, listening to audiobooks, radio dramas. There's just a lot to still do inside of that world. And I think that that, you know, is definitely something that I felt when Harry Potter was ending, and the fact that there were still movies, yeah, that's part of it, but really also that, that, like, those things still exist as they are and is now sort of this complete set that can be enjoyed

and sort of examined and appreciated as a finished product does have a little bit of joy to it. That like, this is what this is now and it's never going to be more than this. So I can understand it fully. Yeah, it reminds me of the Harry Potter Alliance t-shirt. We are book eight. Right.

I think there is a grieving process. It's important to go through that process. There are real losses in this. and when people try to minimize it I don't think it does anybody a service but I also think that we are book eight and The legacy of that continues as long as people are paying attention to it and as long as the people who have paid attention to it are Making work that's inspired by it or in some way informed by it. Yeah That's why I love the podcast Harry Potter

and the Sacred Text so much, because it found a new way to engage with what I thought was a story I fully knew, you know? Yeah. And that happened many years after the release of the last book. And there's lots of examples of shows that sort of come back over time,

like they are appreciated in their time and then they have resurgence when they come on a streaming platform or when they have new ways of getting access to them. So I think that content will always be there and now we get to appreciate it in a different way. This next question comes from Lauren who asks, Steerhank and John, why does some carrots,

even ones from the same bag of baby carrots, taste Earthier than others. Carrots and catastrophes Lauren. Other individual carrots. It's not like they're being manufactured like a gutcher's factory. They're being made by mother Earth. What can you expect?

Yeah, that's exactly right. Like they grow in slightly different soil. A lot of times times like the baby carrots that end up in a bag of baby carrots didn't necessarily grow next to each other. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, probably. They could have come from all over the place.

Who knows how baby carrots work? Every time you get a bag of baby carrots, it's got like carrots from six different continents. And that's why. That's, it's exactly it. There's no Antarctic carrots, but everything else is represented. So as a more scientific answer to this question, are you at all interested, John?

Can I just jump in, Hank, real quick, and say that there are no Antarctica carrots yet? I'm curious to see. Give it a couple thousand years, and it's going to be the only place we can grow carrots. Warm it on up. So it's interesting because there are things that like taste the same.

Apples, for example, all taste the same. And, well, no, sorry, all like varieties of an apple. So you get like a honey crisp apple, it tastes like a honey crisp apple. But apples are clones. So like every honey crisp Bappell tree in the world is a clone of the first and only like one true honey Chris Bappell tree that grew one time.

Carrots pollinate and seed and they plant from seed. And so every carrot is planted from a different seed. And so every carrot is gonna taste a little bit different. That's right. The other thing that I would note is that carrot taste is highly dependent upon weather and temperature especially, like carrots that grow up in less hot times are sweeter and better.

Well, look at you, no one thinks about carrot growth. I mean, I just planted at least 500 carrots. So that's great. I'm so excited. By the way, if you need a bag of baby carrots in a couple months, give me a call. Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by John's Garden Carrots. John's Garden Carrots. They're, I mean, probably should have planted them a week earlier. This podcast is also brought to you by the Imperial Bridal March, only acceptable when requested by the bride. And today's podcast is brought to you by Waterbed Explainer videos, Waterbed Explainer videos.

It is an entire genre on YouTube. And finally, this podcast is brought to you by The Beer Spirience. It sounds very much like something that a marketing person at a beer company came up with, but indeed, it is that. It's the sponsor. Hey. We also have a project for Austin message from Margie

to myself, Hank, Kevin, and Christian. Thank you for being. This simple motto is used in our home in place of prayer at meals and when we want each other to know that they are appreciated. So I want my family and you both to know that I appreciate you. So again, thank you for being. Well, thank you for being Margie. All right, hey, we have another question. This one comes from Harper who writes, dear

John and Hank, I have an issue that makes me somewhat frustrated. There's an Earth day, but no Mars or Saturn or Neptune day. Why not? This reminds me of a different question that we get a lot that's in a similar vein, but this one is less offensive. Of course, we have a Sunday once every week, so I can't really complain about that. Oh, because that's the day for the sun. But I want other planet days.

Why don't we have them? I played the piano in the baritone, but not the harp, Harper. Oh, wow. I will. So you have made a great point, Harper, that like we celebrate Earth Day once a year. We celebrate the sun once a week.

That's like 50 something times a year. Well, to be fair, the sun is far more important than the Earth. Oh, what about that? I feel like equal importance. I feel like we'd be equally in trouble without either. I love the sun's chances without Earth. I do not love Earth's chances without the sun.

Hey, it depends on what you're defining as Earth. We could get, honestly, if we were a rogue planet, we'd probably last longer if we didn't have the sun. Oh, that's weird to think. That's mind-blowing. Is that true? Yeah. Weird.

Yeah. What's a rogue planet, a planet with no solar system? A planet that has been ejected from a solar system, yeah. What, how, so if I were to be ejected along with the rest of Earth from the solar system, how would I be doing these of these staying alive? Not well.

That's kind of what I assumed, but I wanted to phrase it as delicately as possible. Yeah, we are. I don't want young people out there to worry. Every time we talk about an apocalyptic concern and one of my kids is listening to the podcast, they're like, wait, what? Solar wins.

Ha ha ha. Wait, what, we could get it, Henry, Alice, we cannot get ejected from the solar system anymore. It was a point in Earth's history where it was a greater possibility. At the moment, no chance. All right, there you go. We're good.

My kids are also very worried about flooding, even though we live on the second highest point in the entire city of Indianapolis. Of course, the highest point in Indianapolis is in Crown Hill Cemetery, and it is the gravestone of one of the 17 vice presidents who never became president buried in Crown Hill Cemetery. Just a thanks case for the trivia, John.

I look forward to visiting. Make some notes, Moas. You just weren't something. That's what it's all about. It gets the actual facts from Moas. So sorry, it feels like you're way too tight. It's not a fact at all. There are definitely not 17 vice presidents, but there are more vice presidents who never

became president buried in crown hill cemetery than in any other Location on earth. What was the question? Neptune day John. Why is there no Neptune day? Look, we don't care about Neptune. It's just it's the situation If let me ask you a follow up question if Neptune were ejected from the solar system would that have a negative impact on us? I mean if there was enough and if Neptune were ejected from the solar system, would that have a negative impact on us? Uh, I mean, if there was enough dynamism in the solar system for any planet to be ejected, it would be bad.

Just, it would. Right, but just hypothetically, if Neptune stopped existing tomorrow, that wouldn't be a big issue for us. If Neptune just vanished, I think we'd be okay. Yeah, I don't think it'd be a big issue for us. If it like zoomed out of the solar system, that would be an issue for us,

because it would probably send some comments our way. Yeah, but I'm imagining, the answer is that we would be fine without Neptune, and that's why we don't have a Neptune day. We would not be fine without Earth, and if anything, we need way more Earth days. That's a good point. The reason we have Earth Day by the way is because this is a really beautiful place to live. It's very nice and we don't want to mess it up and we are. Yeah, we are really deeply dependent upon Earth.

Do you, so Warren knows some planets now. He's learning the planets one day at a time because as I expected it in this house. And here's why there's no Neptune day Harper. Warren naming the planets goes like this. Merkey, and then he says Venus really well. And then he says Earth. And then sometimes he says earth. Yeah, and then I sometimes he says us Which is nice? I like that and then he says Mars. Yeah, good. And then he says Jupiter

career and then he says Saturn yep Ish and then he says this one and this one Which is basically how we all feel right? Yeah, those gas giants out there, like what, they're just blue, they look similar to each other. I don't think about Neptune. Yeah, it's basically this one and this one. Come to think of it, I don't even think we need those two planets.

I'm gonna, we got rid of Pluto. I would argue, that's just the first step. We're gonna bring a Pluto back into the solar system. How do we get rid of Neptune and Uranus? I'm worried that, John, is you might be under the impression that we got rid of Pluto, like we just made it stop existing?

Yeah. Yeah, we were like, this is officially inconvenient. Pluto, you are in the past. You know, we have winked you out of existence. Yeah. All right, hey, beforeed you out of existence. Yeah. All right, Hank, before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimble,

then I want to read you this question from Emma, who writes, dear John and Hank, I was just listening to episode 37 of your podcast, and you answered a question about why humans don't eat grass. I'm pretty sure that the Gavin who asked this question is my friend Gavin, because my friend Gavin is obsessed with genetically modifying all humans so that we can eat grass.

This is obviously a bad idea for a few reasons. Number one, genetically modifying all humans in that way would be really hard and expensive. Number two, it's more efficient to just use our current agricultural foods. Number three, nobody wants to eat grass and only grass except for Gavin. Okay. Okay. Just because I hear what you're saying. Nobody wants to eat grass and only grass except for Gavin. Okay, okay. Just because I hear what you're saying. Just because it's good for cows doesn't mean it's good for humans, Gavin.

What do I do? Are we still delivering a message for Emma? This should be a project for awesome message. No, no, this is good. Let me get the rest of the question. I think it's funny. Okay. I love that she says Gavin. What do I do? If my Gavin is the one who sent this question to you guys, this is good. Let me get the rest of the question. I think it's funny. Okay. I love that she says Gavin. What do I do? If my Gavin is the one who sent this question to you guys,

this has been going on for at least three years. Should I continue trying to subtly tell him that this is a bad idea? Should I just let it go and let him talk about this idea until he realizes himself that it's a bad idea? Should I just rip off the bandaid and tell him that it's a bad idea directly would even listen if I ripped off the bandaid. How can I stop myself from going insane as Gavin talks for long periods of time about his grass ideas? Emma. Emma. Oh my god. Emma. How have you not already had this conversation with Gavin? Gavin, Emma, you are in love with each other. So there's two things happening here. One is that you are in love with each other, and that's an uncomfortable thing to have just realized while I was talking to you on the podcast, but it's true.

Yeah, you should just tell him that you think that it's great if he wants to genetically modify himself to egress, but that doesn't mean it should happen to all seven billion of us. Well, let me just provide some perspective from Gavin's point of view here, John, which I think is important because we're only hearing one side of the story here. If you could genetically modify humans to be able to digest grass, you could also genetically modified humans to enjoy eating grass. So just do that. Okay.

In fact, maybe let's genetically modify humans in a bunch of different ways to be nice to each other, enjoy eating grass, recycle, that kind of thing. Yeah, stop emitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Yeah, just like genetically modified humans to really enjoy trains and not like cars. What would you do if you could genetically modify humans to be one thing that they're not? For me, it would be that I would genetically modify them to all be AFC Wimmelden fans

so that we could win the show. If everyone was an AFC Wimmelden fan, like we would win every competition every year. Right, right. I see where you're coming from. Yeah, that's pretty selfish, but to each their own. Okay, Hank, we have to get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon because I mean, oh, gosh.

I don't even know what to say. I don't, well, here's what I'm gonna make you say is that you're going to send an update to Nick before he uploads on Monday because so that he can edit the podcast because we are not going to have the podcast come out without the news. Right. So the real situation as we're recording this, AFC Wimbledon beat Wiccom wanderers on on April 27th in a thrilling, some would say vomit inducing victory. It was 2-1. Joe Piggett scored both goals.

He also missed a penalty. If he hadn't missed that penalty, I wouldn't have felt like throwing up for an hour and a half, but he did. And so... He didn't miss it. I feel like there's a difference between missing a penalty and you missed the goal and getting it saved. It was saved, but it was a very poor penalty.

And listen, I'm not here to criticize Joe Piggett, the only reason that we are in this situation that we're in alongside 21 year old goalkeeper on loan from Bournemouth, Aaron Ramstale, who one day I am convinced will be the greatest goalkeeper in the world because he's only 21 and he's already basically the greatest goalkeeper I've ever seen. I mean, Wimbledon showed incredible, incredible team effort to get that two-one victory over Wickham, who had a lot to play for and really wanted to win.

After the miraculous two-to-ddraw against Lutentown, getting that victory means that for the first time in 189 days, for the first time since October, with one game left in the season, AFC Women are out of the relegation zone and it experiencing the dizzying heights that that are 19th place. Oh, I mean, I, yeah, so I like, I was, I had the like live score update on my phone. I'm like at the park with Orrin completely ignoring him. It's bad. Like you have put me in a situation where I care about a very stressful thing.

Yeah, I mean, it has been a very, this has been uncommonly stressful and it isn't over. So in the last game of the season, Wimbledon play Bradford City and if Wimbledon tie or win, they almost certainly will stay up. If they lose, it could be really, really bad, especially after all they've fought for the season. And here is where I will come in on my phone with news for you. Greetings from 25 seconds after the game ended. Oh my God, Wimbledon have secured another season in the third tier of English football with the most thrilling, terrifying draw I have ever seen.

It looked for a while, I'm here with no chance we were gonna score a goal. That game could have lasted six years and we wouldn't have scored a goal. Oh, yeah, so it worked for much of the second half. Like, Wimbledon wouldn't actually need to tie because South End weren't winning, but then South End scored in like the last minute, which meant that Wimbledon did need the tie in the end, but it is the tie that they got.

Fifty points, send Wimbledon in to gosh, another year of third-tier English football by Gold Difference. I go different. Plymouth R-Gyle, the team that we actually beat at Wendley to go into the third tier, are relegated on goal difference despite winning 3-2 and AFC Wimbledon are safe. Every point we got this season was a point that in the end we needed to survive. Unbelievable. Wow. I'm just, I, I'm just, I, I'm shaking. You could probably hear in my voice, I, I can't believe that we stayed up. I can't, I cannot believe the effort that this team put in in the last three months to secure this moment, including that stunning last second goal

against Lutentown, lead leading Lutentown, that gave us that point, which turned out to be the point that we needed to survive. Wow, okay, back to the pod. Thanks for editing this in at the last second Nick. Thank you for all your well wishes, all your emails. Thanks for all your love for AFC. Wimbledon, we're still a third tier English football team up the dawn. Oh, God, I really hope that Future Me had good news

because current Me is super worried, but Wimbledon had a chance to have a chance to stay in league one and what would be one of the greatest, greatest cap escapes in the history of football. I mean, at one point Hank Wimbledon weren't just in last place. They were so far in last place that if they'd won twice as many games

as they had actually won, they still would have been in last place. That's, oh God, I just talked about it, it makes me extremely nervous. I know, I know, and I feel really bad for whoever doesn't up going down. Oh, okay, what's the news from Mars? Well, first of all, I'm looking at this science news from Mars on At the Atlantic, and I'm being advertised to with lots of pictures of letter openers because...

I'm not. And this company would like me to buy more letter openers. John, by the way, we did sell out of letter openers. That's pretty remarkable. So well done, thanks to everybody who gave, in exchange, gave money, in exchange for letter openers so that we can give that money to partners in health. The very first Mars Quake has been detected on the surface of Mars by the Mars Insight Lander and my main takeaway is that Mars Quake

doesn't sound as cool as I thought it was going to. Not the noise of the Mars Quake, which JPL did convert the vibration to a noise, which you can listen to on YouTube, but just the word Mars Quake. I thought that was going to sound cool when it came out of my mouth, but instead, it sounds kind of dopey, like a 1990s video game. I like it. That has a really bad soundtrack. I like the word Mars Quake, and by the way way I listened to the Marsquake and it was very

powerful. Like it was a weird, it's weird to hear something from another planet or to hear a version of something from another planet. I also am surprised that there aren't more Marsquakes because I thought they happened like all the time. What do youakes because I thought they happened all the time. What do you mean? I thought they happened every day. Mars is not super, so like Earth is, is tectonically active. And it's one of the only tectonically active bodies in the solar system. It's the only planet that is tectonically active.

Where it has these plates, like these lighter rock that sits on top of heavier rock. And Mars doesn't have that, it's locked in place, which is why it has such a gigantic volcano because like the hotspot at Hawaii because the plate moves around, the hotspot moves and so you get a chain of islands. Whereas on Mars, the hotspot has stayed in the same place for billions of years and

just keeps building up that one volcano. But it does have earthquakes. So, sorry, yes, correct. And the first one that we measured was about a 2.5 on the Richter scale. We need more Mars quakes and we need particularly bigger ones because that will allow us to discover things about the interior of Mars. One of the ways that we know as much as we do about Earth is by measuring how the vibrations from earthquakes travel around the planet. You can determine a lot of different things from that,

both in terms of like what the crust is made of but even what the mantle is made of. And so there's this opportunity to send like this giant shock wave through a planet and measure how it bounces around inside of the planet, which is what the seismometer is there to do. The 2.5 magnitude quake isn't really enough to get good data about what the interior of Mars looks like,

but we expect many more Mars Quakes in the future, and we expect bigger ones as well. So looking forward to future Mars Quakes, and also all of the data that they will provide us. It is nice that you can look forward to a Mars Quake in a way that we just don't look forward to Earth Quakes. We want the biggest possible virus quake. Like there's no question about it. We don't have to work.

We want the big one right away about earthquakes. I just want to, I just want to underscore something, Hank, which is that you earlier said that that volcano is really big. And I want to just give people a sense of how big it is. It is like 70,000 feet high. It's like three Mount Everest. Yeah, it's really big. It's so big that if If you were on the surface of it, you it would look like it was flat Right, like Mars curves more than the volcano does. Yeah, it's the size of Arizona It's a biggie. You know that Mars has the largest impact crater in the solar system as well? You can't spot it when you're looking at the planet.

You can you know about this if you listen to our podcast SciShow Tangents. It's the entire Northern hemisphere. Wow. That is mind blowing. It's a dangerous universe out there, but don't worry kids, we're going gonna be fine. And by fine, I mean that we will be the architects of our own doom. Is this how we end the podcast? Thanks so. Thanks for pouting with me, John. And thanks to everybody for listening. If you want to send us questions, you can do that at hankandjohnatgemail.com. We really appreciate everybody who sends in questions. There's so many good ones, and we have such a

great time answering them. This podcast is edited by Nicholas questions. There's so many good ones and we have such a great time answering them. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Halls-Rohas and Sheridan Gibson. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bonjorno. The music that you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. Don't forget to be awesome.