Dear Hank & John - 189: Weird Statistics

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Do a lot of people swerve? What constitutes black coffee? How do I make mac and cheese if I don't have milk? What is the rage/luck relationship when it comes to pennies? How do I find out my therapist's name? Should I give books to people who don't like to read? How should I deal with family drama? How do I get my charger back? Is it time to rip off the Band-Aid? John and Hank have (dubious) advice! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]. Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn. Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Do you want to make a podcast? Yes, but only so that I can talk about AFC Wimbledon. Oh, and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Of course I prefer to think of it for you, John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you a DB of advice and bring you all of the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon and sometimes other soccer teams. John!

Yeah. Do you know why there are no cats on Mars? Why are there no cats on Mars, Hank? You might think it's because the whole like no life thing. That was my assumption. It's because curiosity killed them. I mean, that's like a pretty good Mars Rover joke. That's probably one of the top two Mars

Rover's jokes I've ever heard. Well, we'll see. I was suggested by I saw it on the Nerdfighter subreddit. So thanks everybody for throwing that one out for me. Hank, do you know what I would have tweeted about this week? You'll never get it. Oh, yeah, I think I do. Would you have tweeted some like soccer song

and everybody would be like, and then some of you would be like, yay, but only like 12 of them. No, I would have tweeted about AFC Wimbledon's astonishing fight back from last place to the narrowest possible survival. AFC Wimbledon stunning the world. There's a little hole part of the podcast that is for this.

And we'll get back to it Hank, but this only happens once, maybe twice, maybe six times in a lifetime. Oh my God. All right. It was bad. It's very exciting. It's very exciting. happens once, maybe twice, maybe six times in a lifetime. Oh my God. All right, it was bad here. It's very exciting. It's very exciting. Even Hank was into it.

I was so freaking nervous as well. I was, it's terrible. It's terrible. I thought, yeah, I felt sick. And the fact that they milled their way into it, just like, okay, don't do anything. Yeah, they definitely. It's terrifying. Yeah, they definitely... It was too fun.

Yeah, someone afterwards described the performance of AFC Wimbledon in that Neil-Nill draw as nervy, and I feel that that was rather an understatement. Like, you could see in the player's eyes the entire game, pure terror. Like, I mean, it was... Whoo! Yeah, that was great. What a mean, it was. Woo! Yeah, that was great.

What a great escape it was. We'll talk more about it at the end of the pod. But for now, let's answer some questions from our listeners. Beginning with this question from MM, Dear John and Hank, my roommate and I have been arguing about a question of the utmost importance for over a year now, a year, Hank. We need you to settle it once and for all. What constitutes black coffee? I say that black coffee is coffee with nothing else in it,

but she thinks that coffee with just sugar in it also counts as black coffee as its color has not been changed by milk or cream. Thanks a lot, M.M. I mean, black coffee is like, you can't say like, I want black coffee with sugar in it. Because that's not black coffee. Yeah, like you have now made it. Yeah, no, I think that this is what we could look really understand black coffee to be,

is coffee with nothing in it. Yes, it is one of those arguments that people have, like the pronunciation of the word gif or gif, where the argument is not about anything real, like what should we value as humans? It's about like loving each other, but in a teasing way. And so I don't want to settle the argument

because I want MM to continue loving their friend in this wonderful way, but at the same time, like black coffee is black coffee, it's coffee. It's just, it's just coffee. I, when I was researching this question because I did wanna make sure I, I wasn't gonna make anybody super mad at me, I found a question on Quora that said,

to Americans actually just drink coffee they super mad at me, I found a question on Quora that said, to Americans actually just drink coffee with nothing in it, like they do in TV shows, because Americans in TV shows are always getting coffee with nothing in it. Yeah. And yes, we do that. We do my coffee with nothing in it.

Yeah, I put some sugar in it, usually. No, I find that sugar ruins it. And the one thing, as you'll probably know from the fact that I don't eat my cereal with milk, I sure as heck don't drink my coffee with milk. No, John just puts coffee in his cereal. I genuinely think that would be better than Milky cereal. Coffee cereal, like, kind of solves two of my problems at once. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it,

if you did it with like the cocoa puffs, that would be dope. I'm super into it, I want to try it. I'm googling caffeinated cereal to see if anybody has yet solved for the biggest problem that our generation faces must caffeinated cereal. Must be. I see one caffeinated cereal on the market hank and I think we could compete with it effectively.

We may have found our million dollar idea at last. It's exactly what our audience has been beating down the door for a John. I can't tell you how many times people have asked me why isn't their coffee in my cereal and is there a way I can pay you to solve this problem for me. You know, like honestly, you don't need caffeinated cereal, you could just put coffee in it. This next question comes from Maeve, who asks, Dear Hank and John,

Asperer John's recommendation, I recently finished Michelle Obama's book, But Coming, and I absolutely loved it. Oh, good. I've been thinking a lot about when she talked about making a swerve in life, a jump to make a dramatic change to obtain more fulfillment for yourself. Do a lot of people swerve in life, a jump to make a dramatic change to obtain more fulfillment for yourself. Do a lot of people swerve?

I haven't met many people who have dramatically changed their careers due to fulfillment or unhappiness, but that's likely because they were more worried about making money. I'm applying to college next fall, and I'm already fairly confident that I want to major in biochemistry with a minor or double major in English, boy, you've got it all planned out,

on the pre-med track. But what if I want to make a swerve in life? chemistry with a minor or double major in English, boy, you've got it all planned out. Wow. On the pre-med track. But what if I want to make a swerve in life? I might be overthinking my future, but at least I'm good at it. Rhymes with brave Maeve. Oh, thanks for the tip. I'm glad that I got it right.

Yeah, I think that lots of people do make swerves, including people who get their MDs and become doctors and end up doing things aside from just doctoring. Like Aaron Carroll, for instance, is a doctor. He's also a writer for The New York Times and also the host of Healthcare Triage. The other person who came to mind when I was reading this question was my friend and Nerdfighter is resident mathematician Daniel Bis, who was a 10-year track professor at the University of Chicago in mathematics,

and then became a politician. So that's about the biggest swear I could have managed. Different jobs. Different jobs. Yeah, I have a biochemistry undergrad degree, and I don't do much biochemistry. Or any at all for clarity. Well, actually, I feel like your body

does a ton of biochemistry all the time. Oh, that's true. I do, you know, honestly, each one of us does more biochemistry in a given day than a biochemist. Absolutely. Well, they do actually about the same amount as we do, because they're also humans.

It's true that it's slightly more than average. Yeah. Yeah. It's the minuscule amount more. It's like one of the most quoted things I ever said is that the Venn diagram of boys who think you're too smart and boys you don't want to date is a circle, which is a nice line, but of course that Venn diagram isn't really a circle because the circle of boys you don't want to date is quite a bit larger than boys who think that you're too smart, like

for instance, you're siblings. Yeah, sure, that's included. Yeah, I wish that I'd rephrase that line, but of course, if I had rephrased it, it wouldn't be on so many quotesites. And therein lies the rub to quote William Shakespeare. Speaking of weird statistics that you don't think about, recently we were walking down the street and Orin said, Kitty, and I was like, yes, correct,

and he was like, not cameo, and I was like, also correct, the vast majority of cats are not our cat. Like statistically speaking, we have no cats, basically. Yeah, you have a vanishingly small number of cats. On the other hand, from Orin's perspective, almost every cat is cameo. Yeah. Because like when a cat appears, it is almost always cameo. Right. It's very strange. It's good, it's good to have a second set of eyes to see the world through John. Speaking of weird statistics,

538.com said that Liverpool had a 6% chance to win that Champions League tie and we won 4-0 because Devock O'Reilly scored two goals. Devock O'Reilly. Don't forget that name. Oh, I mean, I'm not going to forget it because I'm having his face tattooed on my bicep. You don't have a bicep. I'd actually, I kind of do since I've been working out, but that joke... Oh no, your turn is well taken. I remember one time at VidCon Europe in Amsterdam, I challenged Tyler Oakley to arm wrestle with me.

I'd been drinking. And he was like, yeah, sure. And Tyler Oakley rolled up his sleeve, and I was like, oh boy, this is gonna be short. This was a mistake. I thought you were Tyler Oakley like 2014 Tyler Oakley, but you're 2017 Tyler Oakley. He's ripped.

What was the question? 2019 Tyler Oakley is just like beef cake. Right, so lots of people swerved in life, may have just like we swerved while answering your question. And Tyler swerved when he became beef cake. Yeah, and like our mom swerved when she started out working at a telephone company and then eventually went on to work in community development and

sustainable development practices. I think part of life is planning for the future, but part of life is also being ready to be surprised by the opportunities that are available to you. I'm going to announce right here, John. I'm Swarvan. Oh, God. That's Swarvan. Are you swarving toward less work?

I'm gonna snow. It's nothing to do with my professional life, John. I'm keeping all that exactly the same. Okay, great. I'm swarving to, I'm only going to drink soda I make myself. Oh. For how long? I want for the rest of your life?

Well, here's the thing, John. After a couple of months of doing this, there's no way I'm gonna not try to monetize it. So it's probably gonna become like a new job for me. Are you, are we, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you trying to tell me that we're starting a soda company? Because this is exactly the way

that you usually tell me that we're starting a new company. You'll be like, oh, I've been thinking that YouTube needs a conference and is there one really? That was just thinking about that. Yeah, no, what happens? Oh what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, Deal. Okay. It's a deal. All right. I'm gonna need more than $800, but I'll talk to you about that later. I mean the The next percent of the company You're gonna have to sell me for four million dollars. Just see you Tell you right now No, I mean actually I I kind of like the idea of a wait Can it be a soda company where none of the sodas have sugar in them?

I'm really disturbed by the amount of sugar that's in soda. I saw a YouTube video about this that I wish I could unwatch. That's, this is, yes. It's not no sugar, it's less sugar. Oh, it's less sugar. So is it like 10 calories a can?

Not like 40, 50, 60. Can you get it down to like half? Can you get it down to like 10 or 20 can? Mm, more like 40, 50, 60. Can you get it down to like 10 or 20 is my question. It just doesn't taste good at that level. Is this in stevia? All right, let's, you know what? Let's sideline this conversation and have it when we're not making a podcast because I actually really like this idea

and now I'm kind of excited. All right, this next question comes from Michael and I actually am able to offer some real advice here. Dear John and Hank, I'm making boxed mac and cheese and I have melted the butter, but when I went to get the milk, I found that both my rice milk and my roommates dairy milk have frozen in the refrigerator.

What? Well, Michael, before we get to the proper advice part, you need to turn down your fridge a little bit. Yeah. Because if milk is freezing, it's too cold in there. How do I finish this mac and cheese? The cheese powder won't come together. Michael, you add water.

I do it every single time I make mac and cheese, and it works fine. Yeah. That's how you do it. I haven't used milk when making mac and cheese in my children's entire life. They have no idea what mac and cheese with milk tastes like and I bet when they find out they're gonna be like, ugh gross, thank God dad doesn't pour this stuff

on my cereal. If you're used to a milkier flavor, and you have butter handy, you can use water and butter, and that will do a similar thing. Yeah. I think the butter is more important than the milk, frankly, when it comes to my cheese making time.

I agree. This next question comes from Phoebe, who asks, do you're John and Hank? As for your advice on a recent podcast, whenever I find a penny, I've been throwing it on the ground in protest. John, we've created literars. Yeah, I regret that advice, but okay. We have to take something back. Don't litter everywhere. Yesterday I found a few pennies in my car, so I tossed them on the ground in the parking lot. No, today when I got to work. Today when I got to work they were

still there. Do I pick them up? Well, they still grant me good luck. How does the relationship between Penny Tosser and Penny Picker Upper affect Penny Luck? My son's name is Holden Phoebe. Phoebe, pennies are not good luck. That is a conspiracy created by the government to get people to keep holding on to pennies. It is certainly the thing that pennies do

that add the most value to our lives, right, is give us a feeling of good luck. I will say that while I understand intellectually that pennies are not good luck, I do pick up every heads up penny I see and I do think to myself. Wow. I see and I do think to myself a little bit of good luck right there Also, I will say that sometimes when I feel like I really need some good luck I will put a heads-up penny Somewhere and then like three days later when I see it again. I'll be like oh wow. It's a new heads-up penny Not how it works. Yeah, yeah No, sometimes you do make your own look Hank and if you really need good luck I find just scattering some heads-up pennies around the house and just kind of

You know picking them up as you go is a way to make yourself feel a little bit better Yeah, and also you feel a little bit less worse about how bad it is that we continue to mint pennies in the United States in 2019 This this thing has a use I watched a video recently where they turned pennies into a sword and it was amazing. It's also illegal for the record. You're not allowed to melt down pennies. It turns out it's not illegal as long as you don't sell the sword because it was for educational or artistic purposes.

Well, that's good. That's good to know. So watch that video. He just makes swords that are different stuff. It's got a whole channel. You know, sometimes I think like YouTube, it's just a cesspool. We got to get out. Well, the gettons good.

And then I find out that there's somebody who's making swords out of pennies and probably finding a way to turn that into their job and it's beautiful. Alright, I think we have another question. This one comes from Mia who writes, dear John and Hank, I live in England and therefore I get free psychotherapy, although I had to wait over six months for it, but I'm very happy to have it. I've had three sessions so far

and my therapist is lovely, but I have forgotten her name since the first session and every time I try to go to my therapy appointment and get there, I'm asked, who are you seeing? And I just have to reply, I forgot her name and that leads them to look it up themselves and then they find out who I'm seeing and then are you seeing? And I just have to reply, uh, I forgot her name. And that leads them to look it up themselves. And then they find out who I'm seeing. And then don't tell me.

What do I do? How do I ask her after three sessions? What's your name? Any advice would be helpful. Mia sounds like fire. Wait, what? Myrrrr Is that a British accent thing? Sorry, your name's Mia. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait. Okay, it is a British accent thing, Hank. And because you are the master of the fake British accent, you can probably get us there. If her name is Maya, but it's said with a British accent, then would it be like, Maya? It would be. Maya!

Maya! Maya! Like, Faya! Like, Faya! Maya, like, Faya! Yeah. That. Maya. Maya. Like, fire. Like, fire. Maya, like, fire. Yeah. That's my British accent. That, ah, I don't know why I've got this kind of British

for us. By the way, I know for a fact that you have a better fake British accent than that and you intentionally didn't use it because you're embarrassed, but I know how bad your bad fake British accent is. You just gotta ask the receptionist, can you tell me what their name is? Obviously, I don't know. I've already told you.

Exactly the right. You tell me, yes, and if only we all have receptionists for this problem. There's so many people in town where I'm like, you. Yes, every single parent of every single kid in both of my kids' classes, I'm just like, hey, oh God. Nick? It's funny because there's so few people

that have kids orange age in my neighborhood that like every time I meet one, I'm like, I know everything about you now. I will keep all of your, and then I'm sure by the time he's in school, I'll be like, I know nothing about you now. I will keep all of your, and then I'm sure by the time he's in school, I'll be like, I know nothing about any of you. I just can't, I have no memory for names, like people say their names to me,

and I'm looking at them when they say them, and within a second it's gone. And that, by the way, like also, yeah, it's a terrible habit, and I'm really trying to get better at it, but I just, I find that because I'm stressed out about it, I do a worse job of remembering. I'm like, I gotta remember this person's name, and so I'm just trying to get better at it. But I just, I find that because I'm stressed out about it, I do a worse job of remembering. I'm like, I got to remember this person's name.

And so I'm just thinking about remembering, rather than thinking about them, the person I'm talking to. Well, the thing that I've heard is that if you repeat the person's name very quickly in conversation, then you'll remember it. The problem is that two seconds later, when I have the opportunity to repeat their name,

it's already gone. Gone. And also I overthink it. So someone will be like, my name is Aaron, and it'll be like, great, your name is Aaron, and I'll be thinking their name is Aaron. And then I'll be like, is there name Joe? Did they say Joe?

They said Aaron, right? Or did they say Joe? Maybe they did say Joe. It's just like, well, that's the, yeah. Especially when it's like two things, like it's Jenna or Jenny, I'm like, ah, I will never say your name right just be like I'll just never do it

Jen Myer okay, if I just call you Jen my off my Myer myer why was there a question? What's there a question fire Maya how can it possibly rhyme with fire? I feel like we need to get a British person on the line here possibly rhyme with fire. I feel like we need to get a British person on the line here. Hold on, I'm gonna ask Jay-Say. He's British. He's British.

Fire. Fire. Fire. Maya. Fire. I hear it now. Stop talking. I can't hear Jay-talking.

You talk, stop talking. Every time Jay- that you say it at these acts the same time. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. That's what I was saying. That's what I was saying, fire.

What were we talking about? We were talking about my, my, my is problem. Not me, my. I can't find my, because I can't figure out a spell this name. It's about how she can't remember a name, and hilariously, your problem is that you can't find the question because you can't remember her name. So Maya, you've come to the wrong place, ask the receptionist,

that is the solution, and that reminds me that today's podcast is brought to us by how J.C. How J.C.A. Hankenai's number one guide to pronunciation, which is why I repeatedly in Crash Course World history referred to the Renaissance. Thank you, J. This podcast is also brought to you by Kaffinated cereal. It's got that juice in it.

And today's podcast is also brought to you by Gold Difference. Gold Difference, it's what kept Wimbledon up. And finally this podcast is brought to you by EEEE, Caramomber's name. Divakareegi. D- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha two goals to push Liverpool into the finals of the champion leagues, leagues against Iaxe or possibly Tottenham. That was a very good pronunciation of Tottenham.

We've also got a project for us a message from Jeremy to say, who writes, say, introduce me to vlog brothers and this podcast and we listen every week together, I really love all the support for charities and the genuineness. Say had not only introduced me to these amazing humans, but also has been an amazing wife. We've now been through our first year of marriage and here's to many more years of love, health, happiness and of course, kitties.

Oh, that's very sweet. Happy anniversary. Six months ago probably. This next question comes from Michelle, who asks, Dear Hank and John, my sisters don't like to read much. I really like receiving books as gifts, and sometimes I find books I think they might like. Do I give them books as gifts until they like them,

or just respect the fact that they don't like to read for pleasure? Not your bell, Michelle. I think there might be a fundamental misunderstanding here about what gifts are supposed to do. Ha ha ha ha thing I like. Then give it to me when you're done with it because I also want it. Right. It's like in the Simpsons when Homer gave Marge a bowling ball drilled to his fingers. Yeah, I think you got to give your sisters things that they like. Or nothing, because gifts are terrible.

Yeah, and also when you're getting books as a gift and you don't want them, I'm not sure that makes you like reading more. I think it might make you like reading less. Yeah. So I would try to give gifts that the people you're giving the gifts to really want and will be excited about and trust that maybe over time they will come to find some books that they love. Alright Hank, we have a question from Anonymous who writes,

Dear John and Hank, my school is providing only 12 tickets for my high school graduation. I have a very large family and they're about 40 of them who would like to attend my graduation. I made a huge mistake and made a private event on Facebook where people could RSVP, but also buy me things from my gift registry. And well, this has become an outlet for my family members on opposite sides to make very passive aggressive posts

towards each other. And it's pretty awful because, you know, I'm the one graduating. I'm also having a dinner afterwards where they will all be expected to sit down at a dinner table together. And I'm genuinely frightened. So how should I deal with this family drama

while also trying to keep my family happy? I just wanted to be a great day from a conflicted future college student, who by the way included a link to their gift registry, which was very smart. And it's the kind of thing that we often don't see. Yeah, I mean, it's just like no, with no other context, not like. There is my case.

It's just, it's like, they're also buying these, the idea was that I created this Facebook group so they could buy me stuff from my gift registry so I can have, for instance, tide pods and water bottles to take to college or a laundry basket, all of which I think is great. And in fact, I'm gonna buy your laundry basket. And I want you to every time you do laundry, I'm not gonna say your name, but I know your name because I'm looking at your gift registry.

Every time you do laundry, all through college, I want you to be like, thank you John Green for my $9.99 laundry basket. I just bought it. And I'm not, I'm not gonna get you a three hole punch because you don't need a three hole punch. It's 2019, aren't we past that? Haven't we moved beyond that?

$5.99 for delivery, good lord. You gotta, you should get more, you should get more. So there's more. You're right, if I'm gonna pay for extra for delivery, I'm gonna get a few things. Also, somebody else is gonna have a three hole punch, right? Yeah, I suspect that you'll be able to borrow somebody's three hole punch when you need it,

which is basically never. That said, we've got a three-hole punch in our house. And like, I do use it a day. I've got one, but it's literally the one I got when I went to college. So I guess you can keep it forever. You know what? I also got to buy the three-hole punch. I just bought it. I also saw on this list the iron that I bought when I moved to college.

It's really good, man. And I still have it. You should get that. Hank, you know it's a good, high quality iron. It's hard there. They're relative already got it for them. Oh, I see. Oh, man.

My brother, I'm not going to say he's an ungenerous person. I'm just going to say the one thing he called out as being a good investment is a thing that's already been purchased. All right, all right, I'll get the pots and pans. Or the dust buster. That looks like a pretty high-quality dust buster. It's only $28. But let's get to the problem here, Hank, which is that sometimes you create a private Facebook group and your relatives use that opportunity to be mean to each other and then to ratchet up tension so that your day, whether it's your graduation day or your wedding day or whatever, becomes stressful.

Right. And also the fact that you got 40 people and they're all sort of jockeying for these 12 tickets. You needed, and like, yes, you you recognized that you kinda made a mistake here, by being like, here's my registry, and before you were like, here are the, who gets the tickets? Because now, what does it mean?

Are people gonna be buying you things to try and get tickets to the graduation? So you gotta create some kind of fair way, and you should probably just do it based on the British prime-agentor way of establishing kind of fair way. And you should probably just do it like based on like the like British primogenitor way of like establishing who is going to be the heir to the throne. So you have to like go to your direct next of kin. Like if you died, who would inherit the pots and pans I just bought you? That's such a bad idea. Like the idea that the solution to this problem is a British style monarchical solution is of

all the answers you could have given. You need something. Yeah, but the something shouldn't be like first to the oldest son shall come. Next, the younger son. No, you should do it by how, like, your parents, they have shall come. Next, the younger son. No, you should do it by how, like your parents, they have to come. Yeah, but then you have to, but then you're making a values judgment.

Of course you're making a values judgment. That is better. Yeah. Look, look, look. I just think that it'd be, it's nice to be like, okay, here's how I did it So that no one feels like like left out. I did it based on Just the last time I saw you

Or that's all for that alternately. Yeah, this is what you should do You should pick the 12 people you want to go to your graduation and then you should say in the private Facebook group I held a randomized lottery. I put everybody's name into a hat and I pulled out the first 12 names and these are the 12 names. I'm really sorry if you didn't get picked by the completely random lottery. And only you know that in fact it's the 12 people you want to go. It just happens to be all of the want to go. It just happens to be all of the, it just happens to be both of my parents,

all of my favorite brothers and sisters. Yes, exactly. But not the one brother I don't like. Right. Uh. Uh. Yeah. I feel like we're helping, John.

Are we helping, at least we delivered some pots and pans. Yeah, I don't think that we've helped at all, but I mean, enjoy your tide pods. That's one of the other things I just put it in my check out. I mean, you gotta remember to actually check out. Yeah, anonymous is absolutely correct that the thing you need most is detergent. There are so many detergents on the registry,

and you are right, you need it. Oh, yeah. This next question comes from Emily who asks, Dear Hank John, early this afternoon, I lent my iPhone charger to a co-worker whose desk is in the same room as mine. It's been about three hours and her phone has been charging this whole time and now my phone is on 1%. It's on low power mode and I'm using it minimally, but I can't any my charger back. Do I just ask for my charger? Yes, you ask for your charger back. Yes. Yes.

We get a lot of versions of this question. Yeah, we do. And it freaks me out because it makes me think that we're getting way worse as a species at talking to each other. Yeah. And that. It's just, it's not a big deal. But it it becomes a big deal because when you start not talking to people it gets really hard to start talking to people

And so it and we have all these incentives in our economy now that say don't talk to people, right? Like all of the social internet companies are saying no, no, no, don't call, just post. Don't walk over and talk to your neighbor, just message them on next door. And I worry that when it gets hard, in my experience, anyway, when it gets hard to talk to people, it gets harder to talk to people.

Like that becomes a vicious cycle very, very quickly. And so I can totally relate to this problem where you're like, I don't know how to tell this person that my phone's almost dead. How do I, what do I do? And the answer is that you talk to them, but it's hard. I think you get into your own head about it.

You start to like imagine all the circumstances and really what you should do is be like, I was like, why did I even think about this for so long? I need to jump into the swimming pool and ask for my charger back. I borrow chargers at my office constantly, and if there's anybody in the office who thinks that they can't ask for their charger back,

like I need to be very clear about this, ask. Yeah, I borrow a lot of chargers as well Hank that must be a green family thing. All right Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I want to answer one more question. This one from Sydney who writes, Dear John and Hank, a Barbie bandaid has been stuck to the bottom of my trash can since 2002. I remember using that bandaid when I was four and tossing it away, never imagining it would land at the bottom of the can Sticky side down every time I empty the can and see the Barbies this figure-ta-haunted face looking back at me I asked myself after 17 years. Is it time to rip off the bandaid or is it now a sacred relic?

Yeah, that's exactly that's that's exactly it. That's how your brain works. Yes. But like, there are no sacred Barbie band-aids. But there are kind of, right? Like, it's true that there are no sacred relics. But there are also sacred relics. Like, I think that our answers to this question will be different because our perspectives

on this are different. But we'll get to that. I want to read the rest of the question because it gets more interesting. I also did some research. And apparently there are people who collect this very era of Barbie Band-Aid. And now I'm wondering if I should carefully clean

and freshen mine up and send it to someone who would proudly add it to their wall. Thoughts included is photo evidence, which we'll post on the Patreon at patreon.com slash dear Hank and John of both my trash can and with the bandaid looked like in its original form and it is amazing. Oh, that's exactly what I pictured. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I think what you the real mistake you have made Sydney is that you didn't link to your gift registry. So we could give you a new trash can. If you've heard anything from this podcast that said, hey, could I be

tricked into buying almost anything from almost any registry? Oh, it's so easy to scam us. Sydney, my answer to this question is that you should leave the bandaid exactly where it is and that it will only grow in meaning for you over the course of your life. And one day you'll be 80 and you'll look at the bottom of the trash can and you'll remember being for in a visceral way that you just can't get back to through any other sensory experience. And I think that's tremendously valuable. And so I think you should leave the bandaid exactly

where it is. I think you should leave the bandaid exactly where it is because that way you don't have to touch it. And there you have it. Hank and John summarized in an answer. We got a lot of good responses to things this week, John. And so I want to dive into some responses. We got, I just, before we do that though,

we often say like, we get so many questions and I'm sorry we can't answer all of them. And like, but like, actually, there's so many really good, interested questions that we don't get to. And I do feel bad about it. It's like the thing I feel worst about in this whole podcast is when we get really interesting

questions or like really important ones and we don't get to them. So I do want to say thank you to everybody who sends in your questions and also that there wouldn't be a podcast at all without you taking the time to do that. So thank you to everybody who does that at Hank and John at gmail.com.

For example, Matt, who asks, dear Hank and John, Marina, Marina, I thought Chris was your best friend. Is Chris alright? Did you two have a falling out? Do you have multiple best friends? Chris and Marina are married. They're both our best friends.

Like, that's how it works for us. We have two best friends, Chris and Marina. They are married to each other, and they are Sarah and I's best friends, and Sarah and I are married to each other. But I love that question. Also, Marina. Oh, that's it.

Also, Caitlin wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, this isn't a question. I just wanted to say how genuinely heartwarming it is Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, It's true, I cry every time something lands on the surface of Mars that came from Earth. I do. It makes me cry. It makes me feel the same way that like amazing football stories make me feel like, look what humans can do when they work together. Yeah, I, Katherine knew that I was super stressed out about AFC Wimmelden and so like she was kind of giving me the, the devil's stare a bit, because I was so freaked out about it,

and then I didn't talk about it afterward, and then she was like, so did they stay up? Yeah, I act, I, so yeah, yeah. It's funny, about 10 days ago, I sent Sarah a text that she showed me yesterday, and the text was, I've got to stop investing so much of my consciousness

into football, I can't let my mood be decided by the exploits of 11, 23-year-olds who live far away from me. And. And, but now you don't feel that way at all, huh? No, no, now I feel like, is there a better use of my attention, definitely not. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a, you know, it's a weird thing. Of course, it's not the most important thing in the world. It is only a game, but it's not really about the game. It's about, it's about the people coming together to orient their love in the same direction. One more email I want to read. It's from M who writes, dear John and Hank.

Boy, thanks for answering my question about me vomiting in the meeting room at work. There were other people around, but through a series of circumstances, things turned out better than expected. M. So I have so many different things to think about this. The first is that it's almost composed like a poem. Yes.

And it sort of reminds me of like the plums and the Xbox. I take it as it has the same exact meter as the plums poem. Thanks for answering my question about me vomiting in the meeting room at work. There were other people around, but through a series of circumstances things turned out better than expected. And... So, that's the first thing I think. The second thing I think is that we have been duped into a serialized story.

Now there's a podcast inside the podcast because of course, we want to know this series of circumstances, but not too much it wants. No, no. I hate. Very small bites. One stands at a time, every week, for the rest of my life. I want to learn the love story that emerged from you vomiting in the meeting room at work. And how that's how you met the great love of your life

and the weird stuff that y'all are into. Let's get to the news from Mars and ANC Wimbledon. Hank, I'll start. Alright. ANC Wimbledon needed a win or a tie against Bradford City on the last day of the season. And they got a tie, which means because of the results around them, they needed that tie. In the end, AFC Wimbledon ended the season in 20th place, the last place not to be relegated from League 1 in this season. The team below us, Plymouth Argyle, who were relegated had the exact same number of points after

the 46 game season, but they had a worse goal difference by two goals. There were many times over the course of this season when we were losing games 2 to 1, 2 to 1, 2 to 1, that I would say I wish we would just lose a game by three to one because at least that would show that we were trying to get that tying goal. I was wrong. We it turned out that the footballing gods knew better than I did. AFC Wimbledon needed almost every goal they scored and they needed to stop almost every shot they stopped. I cannot believe how fine the margins were in this season.

It is one of the greatest, greatest capes in the history of English football. Wimbledon over the last 15 games of the season had a points average that would have put them in the league one playoffs, if it had happened for the whole season. We went from being overwhelmingly the worst team in league one to being in the last third of the season, the fifth best team in league one. It is a truly remarkable story. I'm so grateful to everybody who was part of it. I want to say a special thank you to Aaron Ramsdale, our 21-year-old goalkeeper who was on loan from Bournemouth. Like every

Wimbledon fan, I was singing along as the fans saying, we want you to stay. We want you to stay Aaron Ramsdale. We want you to stay. Aaron Ramsdale stayed with the fans after the game. He met up with fans at King's Meadow at like hours after the game. He partied all night with with fans. He's he understands Wimbledon. He gets it at his core. He knows what the club is about. He knows what it means to fight for a club that's owned by their supporters.

And he's such a special player. And I really believe that like he's going to be a famous goalkeeper someday. He is incredible. Both his skills, but also just the way he comes to the game. And also Anthony Wordsworth, 30-year-old player on the margins for much of the first half of the season, who in the second half of the season really just took the fighting spirit of Wimbledon into his soul and transformed himself and the team. And lastly, our captain, Will Nightingale, who's been

playing for Wimbledon since he was eight years old. It meant so much to him. Wow, you'd never question how much it means to him. And he plays with his heart on his sleeve and I just I love that guy and I can't believe we stayed up and I just can't believe this happened. I cannot. It's two goals. The whole it's a 46 game season and we stayed up by two goals. Unbelievable. Yeah. I'm very happy and I remember it wasn't it was like eight podcasts ago that we were like oh well I guess I have see what happens going down. Yep. I've sponsored the fourth tier soccer team before

and I'm sponsoring one again. Yeah. I mean, I was hoping, I was genuinely hopeless. Well, opportunity did not come back, John. The other bad news we dealt with this year. Still dead. I'm still dead. Oh man, we're not living a story.

In the same week, if opportunity was like, beep. Just tentative beep. But as we talked about a bunch earlier this year, opportunity lost power because of a long dust storm that blocked access to the sun so that the solar panels couldn't keep it warm And so it just froze there on the planet never came back after the dust storm these dust storms like planet-wide dust storms are pretty common on Mars and We've seen them like one of the first times we got good pictures of Mars We like in the 70s. We were like oh it looks different now because it's having a dust storm the first times we got good pictures of Mars, like in the 70s, we were like, oh, it looks different now because it's having a dust storm.

So, they've happened in the 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, all the time, but the 2018 one was really powerful. And we also got a really great opportunity to examine what happens during a really big dust storm on Mars, and that's given us some data that might indicate part of the reason why Mars lost a lot of its surface water, is that during these dust storms,

the atmosphere blows way up out over where it usually is. The typical altitude of water vapor in the Martian atmosphere is about 12 miles high. Like that's about as high as it goes. But during these dust storms, it goes to like 50 miles out into up above the planet. And that's partially possible because the atmosphere's pretty thin.

It's partially possible because Mars doesn't have as much gravity as Earth. So there's some thinking now that when you bring the water and also the rest of the atmosphere into those like really high altitudes that it's easier for it to get hit by solar winds, easier for it to get charged

and shoved off the planet into like sort of interplanetary space. So this dust storm was bad for opportunity, but it was a good opportunity to learn more about how these dust storms interact with the Martian atmosphere. And that gives us a better idea of how the history of Mars getting to the way it is

might have actually played out. So the physical amount of space, that's mind blowing to me, just Earth's atmosphere move? Not really, no. I don't think anything like that. So that, but you're saying like the, the the kind of if I imagine there's a planet and then there's the atmosphere that rings the planet and then outside of that atmosphere is space. Yeah. Is that approximately correct? Yes, correct. Okay. So the at the amount of the atmosphere expands by more than twice. Yeah, wow. Yeah, actually more than quadruples in terms of, especially like in this, in this trace

gas orbiter data, that's like the typical altitude of a, of a water molecule. The universe is so weird and like we are, we observing this tiny tiny edge of it like we're only beginning to observe a second object closely or a second planetary object closely anyway. And it's even that is so weird right like imagine how weird it would be to be able to like examine Jupiter closely or to be able to examine solar systems far away closely, given how weird the closest rock to us is. Yeah. Wow.

And that, like, it's so like, and now that, and when I was a kid, we didn't even know that there were other planets, for sure. Like, we had some inkling that we had seen other planets around other stars. Of course, we assumed that there probably would be, but we didn't have that data. And now we know that like pretty much every solar system has planets.

And so there are like, there's so much variety between the Earth and Mars. Like a two, like a data set of two has a huge amount of variety. Yeah. But two, like a data set of two has a huge amount of variety. But, you know, a data set of billions, it's like overwhelming and a little sad that like we don't get to know all of those things. It's a little sad, but it's also exciting

because to me it means that the edge of knowledge is very, very far away. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, when I was a kid, I used to, I remember feeling like, oh, everything has been discovered, right? Like the planet has been explored, the oceans have been explored. When I was a kid, you know, people were starting to explore the last regions of the Amazon rainforest and they were starting to, you know, go to the deepest parts of the Amazon rainforest, and they were starting to go to the deepest parts

of the oceans and stuff like that. And I remember feeling like, oh, well, it's over. There's that famous line from the Great Gatsby where Fitzgerald talks about Europeans first encountering America and for the last time in history, seeing something commensurate with man's capacity for wonder, but like how short-sighted did that prove? Given that, you know, the fact that the Martian atmosphere

can expand or contract by a factor of four is totally commensurate with my capacity for wonder. Yeah, good planets, good soccer, good things. Oh, I mean, what a time to be alive. There's a chance, by the way, that by the time this podcast will be updated, Liverpool will have achieved the most stunning. It's very small chance, but there is like a according to 538.com, a 12 or 13% chance

that Liverpool are gonna win the league on Sunday, the English Premier League, and if that happens, I mean, I genuinely will have had the best eight days of my whole life. I don't even know what I'll do. I guess I'll get drunk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Thanks for plotting with me, John. I can't wait to watch those liverpool highlights. If you want to email us your questions, please do that at hankinjohn at gmail.com. We're off to record our Patreon-only podcast this week in Ryan's, which you can find out

more about at patreon.com slash dear hankinjohn, where you can also see a Barbie bandaid. That's a thing. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Halsey-Rohasim, Sheridan Gibson. Our head of community and communications is Victoria Bum-Jorno. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT