Dear Hank & John - 195: Fun with Bob and John!

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

What should I do with all these keys? How do I unrecommend a raunchy novel to my grandma? What's a good psychology team name? What is the most effective way to pull an all-nighter? What should I call my girlfriend's parents? Why are middle schoolers so terrifying? What do I do with all these tomatoes? Hank and John have advice! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail]. Join us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn. The survey is on the Patreon linked above and also here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/N7DKBW6 Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank? It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you to be a advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John! Yeah. I was recently singing Smash Mouth's All Star and Catherine said that joke and just a little bit, but first you're gonna tell me what you would have tweeted about this week. Hey, this weekend, I would have tweeted a tweet

that instead I just texted to you and I'm gonna read it now. Twitter is like going to the cheesecake factory. Sure, I could eat healthy there, but I ain't gonna. That's great. That's such a good tweet. Twitter needs you to read it.

I'm gonna read it now. Twitter is like going to the cheesecake factory. Sure, I could eat healthy there, but I ain't gonna. That's great. That's such a good tweet. Twitter needs you, but you don't need it. John, do you want to know what I would have tweeted about this week if I was on Twitter? Oh, God, you're so on Twitter. I am very, and I just tweeted about this a lot as of the recording of this. John, I know that you and I have had this idea for a long time that we would do a shot-by-shot

dissection of Smash Mouth's All-Star's music video. And the thing that has been holding us back from that, John, for years, is that the music video is in standard definition. So it is just terrible to look at. You can't see very much of what's going on. It's fuzzy. It's in like 480p, right? Well, John, as of today, the recording of this podcast, Smash Mouth's All Star has been re-released on YouTube in all 1080p's. So we can start our project,

John. We can begin it right now. And maybe, maybe this is just a suggestion, we will do it as a segment on this podcast, in which I will, for example, say, this is the first scene of Smash Mouth's All Stars music video, in which the mystery men are sitting at a four-micotable with some lanterns in the background, drinking out of various cups. One of them is a Miller Light Cup,

and a KEL, of Keenan and KEL is sitting over here, and that is the first shot of Smash Mouth's All Star, which is how we're going to begin the podcast from now on. I don't care if you like it. I don't like it. And I also would like to at least leave this up to a poll of our viewers. Can I tell you all the things I don't like about this opening bit? Okay, sure. It's very similar to if the opening bit were I'm going to describe a painting to you

in this a non-visual medium, but instead of describing a painting, I will be describing a 23 year old music video. There's a pink house in the background. Yeah, right. I mean the edge. The really nice edge. So I want to be clear about something. Uh-huh. Doing a 470 video series that analyzes shot by shot is a brilliant idea. It is a real million dollar idea. Making it a podcast is a bad idea. All right, well let's see what the audience has to say. Do we have a, how would we pull them? We'll put a pull up on the Patreon. Let's have them fill out a survey. Yeah, you know podcasts have people fill out surveys so that they can like more effectively market advertising to their podcast audience. We're going to have y'all fill out a survey if you don't mind where we maybe ask you a few questions about yourself, but the main thing that we need to know is whether you agree with me that this is the worst idea for

a bit imaginable. It's not gonna take a lot of time. The shots are fairly short. But it's got the idea. It's not, it's fine. No, I mean, imagine you're a new listener to this podcast, Hank. Okay. All right, we don't have to do it at the beginning.

We could mix it in at the end in the middle somewhere. No, I don't. All right. I mean, I- I fixed it. The idea is better now. We'll do it in the middle somewhere? No, I don't. I don't. I mean, I fixed it. The idea is better now. We'll do it in the middle somewhere. I understand that the idea is bad, so let's bury it.

That's basically what you've said. I just want to say for the record, when I called Hank to start the podcast, I said, how are you? And he said, I'm so good. I'm amazing. I feel amazing, but I don't want to talk about why until we start recording.

And I was like, is he having another baby? Like, what am I about to find out? Also, I don't want to belay for this, but like, why does it matter the quality of the music video if we're describing it in a podcast? It matters so much. You have to go right now and watch it in HD, John. It's a completely different experience.

But the point is that the listeners of this podcast aren't watching it because they're listening to a podcast. All right, well, then watch it later. I've been tweeting about this for years. I've been so mad. On January 1st of 2019, I tweeted is 2019 going to be the year in which they release Smash Mouth's All Star in HD and they did, John. You made it happen, Hank. Congratulations. You used

your powers for very marginal good. So Universal Music Group got a New York Times article about their endeavor to release a bunch of music videos in HD. The representative from UMG says at the end of the article, if you didn't educate consumers about what Grand Crew was, everyone would be drinking wine out of a box. Is how he ends the article about Smash Bros. All Star being an HD. John, we've been drinking smash mouth, soul star out of a box. And now we have whatever grand crew is, but for smash mouth, I need to be educated on what grand crew is because I honestly have no idea. Basically what that

quote means is if you don't tell consumers that they need to spend more money per unit of thing, they will spend less money per unit of thing. I know. That is, that quote is life, man. It's everything. Okay, I forget if this is a Smashmouth All-Star Love Podcast, or if it's a Thanksgiving Podcast, we star love podcast or not. Yes. Giving podcast. We'll see what happens. The survey will be at patreon.com slash deer Hank and John. You obviously don't have to be a patron to fill it out. Please fill out the survey patreon.com slash deer Hank and John help Hank understand what a bad idea.

Help John understand what a great idea. Not a great idea. This first question comes from Wes who writes, dear John and Hank, my wife and I recently purchased our first home and were presented with four copies of our key at the closing table. As we were unpacking our kitchen stuff, however, I discovered 10 additional copies of our key in a cabinet.

What should I do with all these keys? Keys and conundrums, Wes. Are they nice looking? No, I imagine they're home depot keys. Yeah. You know, when you get a key now, Hank, you can get like a camo key or you can get a key that's printed with your kids' faces on them. It expresses your identity.

Yeah. You have to educate consumers about the value out of the key. If people don't understand how much a high end he is worth, and they're just going to be spending 60 cents on a regular key. There's no margin in that. How are we going to make new billionaires with that model? Oh my God. No, here's what you do, Wes. You put these 10 extra keys in that cabinet, and then slowly over the course of the next 20 years, as you lose keys, you replace them with the 10 keys

from the cabinet thereby saving yourself over the life of your home around $14. Another suggestion, you put really obvious high-to-key rocks next to your neighbor's house, but with your key in it, so that when burglars come by to try and break into their house, they get fooled. Also, you've always got to spare key at your neighbor's house. Okay, alternate. The actual thing that you're going to do is you're going to put them somewhere and forget about them. I, John, I want to do a video on vlog brothers, and I've

been wanting to do it for several weeks now, where I, you know, people have like apartment tours. Yeah. So I want to do that that where I like show off my like lifestyle through like a sort of fancily produced video, except I just want it to be about my nightstand. And it's just like a 39 year old man's nightstand and how much detritus has accumulated there. Yeah. And just the number of wires that are involved right somehow. Right. All the charger cables I have for phones,

I don't have any more. And Catherine just puts things in the drawer when she's tired of looking at them. So it's just like, whatever was around a year ago is in there. Yeah, it's like the regular car reviews that guy on YouTube reviews like a 1994 Toyota Corolla. I've been wanting to do a somewhat similar video, and I think that's a good idea, by the way. I don't think it's the best idea you've ever had,

but I mean, look, we gotta make vlog brothers videos once a week, so. Who needs great ideas? We need good ideas. I've been wanting to make a similar video that I don't think I can ever make. You know how I got Tesla Model S a few years ago? I've been wanting, there are all these reviews

on YouTube of Teslas that are super breathless and excited and I've been wanting to make a video called like a Tesla Model S review and it begins like this. So this is a car. And like it does all the things that cars do. You know, like there's a different pedal for going and then one for stopping Mm-hmm, and it has four doors like other cars and it's a car

Here's here's where you hook up the car seat for the baby. Yeah, it does all the regular car stuff It doesn't really do anything other than the regular car stuff like I've heard a lot about the stuff it's supposed to be able to do that isn't car stuff and it like kinda does that stuff, but mostly it's a car. Mostly I don't wanna do that stuff. Yeah, like, does the autopilot work?

I mean, sometimes, but I'm not really looking for sometimes when it comes to autopilot. Can you go really, really fast? Maybe I haven't tried. I don't really know how fast it goes from zero to 60, but it goes from zero to 30 very quickly. In general, my car goes at this, like, at the speed I would wish it to. Right.

I have never in my life been like, boy, I wish this car went faster. Yeah, right. Like, that's the other thing about my Tesla is that it goes all the speeds I want it to. You know? You know? But also, so does my 2011 Chevrolet Volt. Like they both go every speed I'm interested in.

All of the major speeds, 30, 35, 50, 65 occasionally. John, we have a really important question that I made red in the show notes because I think it's so important that we get to it. It is from Kim K who asks, dear Hank and John, it's just, it's a conundrum. Dear Hank and John, I recently started reading a romance novel about two people who meet and eventually fall in love with each other. That is sort of how they work. I got a third of the way through it and I was really interested in the storyline and the characters, so I recommended it to my grandma, who also really loves cheesy romance novels. The problem is, as I continued reading, I discovered that this particular romance novel was actually quite raunchy, like, really raunchy.

I already told my grandma that she'd like it. Now what do I do? regular romance novel was actually quite raunchy, like really raunchy. I already told my grandma that she'd like it. Now what do I do? Not the Kardashian, but still trying to keep up Kim K. Oh boy. So I guess look like I might probably your grandma like isn't probably hugely against raunchy romance novels. I'm just gonna probably it's gonna be okay.

Yeah, it's hard to think about grandma's this way sometimes, but they are people. And so I think you can say, like, we have definitionally done the sex. Yes, it reminds me of what Sarah's grandmother Lulu said about looking for Alaska when she first read it. She said, I thought it was a sweet novel. I was surprised by some of the things

that young people are apparently dootling. Oh. Oh. God, I was like, you know, that's suitably vague. Oh. It could be a number of smoking cigarettes. Yeah. Who knows for sure? going to boarding school.

I've got a guess, but I don't need to confirm it. Yeah, I think she'll be fine with it, but I think you could also say, oh, grandma, this is super awkward because I recommended that book to you a third of the way through and I did not know that it was going to take that particular turn. Yeah, or you don't have to say that even like just like send a quick note. I don't know how you like a text message. I don't know how you communicate with grandma. You can say, I want you to know that I recommended this book when I had read a third of it. That is all the information I will give you. That's great. That is actually perfect. That is perfect.

You don't need to bring up the reason she'll understand. This next question comes from Goodtoshri who writes, dear John and Hank, I'm a psychology student and my school is organizing a psychology quiz. We have to name our teams with psychology related terms. Do you have any creative or out of the box team name recommendations? Freudians and Pavlovians are already taken. I mean, those are so basic. They're bad. Anyway, yeah. Basic. John, do you have any off the top of your head? Well, Hank, I've spent most of my life as a psychology patient, so of course I do. Okay.

Skinner boxes. That's your number one psychology quiz name. That's good. I like the Skinner boxes. The Jung and the Restless. Oh, no, you did not. Maslow's hierarchies of destruction. Edie Brutel and the new compensatory strategies. I like that because it's a real deep cut.

There's about four of our listeners who are familiar with Edie Brutkel and the new Bohemians. What about Jung, Scrappy and Hungry, a Lin-Manuel Miranda reference? Ah, yes. Or I mean, you could go a Lin-Manuel Miranda reference. Ah, yes. Or, I mean, you could go with so many different directions with Jung. You could have like a Jung and Dom. You could have Neil Jung, something like that.

Neil Jung and Crazy Horse. Jung, Dom and Broke. That's what it is. That's the song lyric I was trying to think of. Jung, Jezy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha being the first will, but I also love a young, a young GZ. Do you think that Maslow would be a little Maslow or would Maslow be young Maslow? That's a great question. I feel like it'd be a little Maslow.

These are probably jokes that you don't get, so we should just move on. I don't, you're right. You're correctly identified the situation. Another one could be, for instance, the taking your medication doesn't make you somehow less creative or whatever. Like you could go like, quizzophiles, quizzophilics.

Ooh, the quizzophilics, that's right. That's a way to intimidate. I mean, all of these are so much better than the Freudians and the pathopheons. Right, we have given you many gold here. You're welcome. Just, I don't know why you're not because it's gonna go with the Skinner boxes because that was the pathos. Right. We have given you many gold here. You're welcome. Just, I don't know why you're not, because you're going to go with the Skinner boxes, because that was the best one.

But we did keep talking for a while after that. So. That happened. Oh, boy. John, I think that we did did that one good. This next one is from Leo who asks, dear, hey, good, John, as a university student going through finals, I'm wondering, what is the most effective way to pull an all-nighter? Thanks for any dubious advice.

Gently, this isn't something that, from Paris with love, Leo, you don't, there isn't no like strategies, you are forced, you have no choice, you do it because you must. I have pulled several all-nighters for the purposes of work. And I can tell you that not once has it been effective. No. It is so much more effective to sleep for two or three hours. Those, the two or three hours that you spend sleeping, that you would otherwise spend quote unquote working, you're not working. I'm sorry. You're just, you're not thinking straight. You're not productive. No. sorry, you're just, you're not thinking straight, you're not productive.

No, and that's the thing about all miners. I never actually did a full all nighter, but I did lots of three to four hours of sleepers. And I don't like that. Also, it's not something that should happen. You should not allow this to happen to you, but you probably will, that's life. But my strategy, I, this is,

I've never heard of anybody else doing this, but I would eat one chocolate chip every five minutes. Well, that is really weird. I think, I think coffee is a more effective way to get your caffeine, but if you want to get it from one chocolate chip every five minutes, that works. I don't think it was about caffeine. I think it was about chip every five minutes, that works. I don't think it was about caffeine. I think it was about like every five minutes, I'm gonna remind myself that five minutes passed and that like ideally I did something useful in those five minutes,

eating a chocolate chip is extremely easy. And it's not like the stimulant. It's just like sugar, it's sensation, it's like a little bit of a reward. And like I'm not like gobbling chocolate chips. It's like an imposed discipline on my study. And I would go through a lot of chocolate chips, but I probably would have eaten more

if I'd just been eating them. That's true, that's definitely true. Like I could eat a couple hours worth of chocolate chips in a single bite. Yeah, oh, I have. I have stayed up all night a few times as an adult to finish a writing bite. Yeah, oh, I have. I have stayed up all night a few times as an adult to finish a writing project. Wow, most notably when I was finishing

Turtles All the Way Down and looking for Alaska. But the reason I stayed up all night was that I became convinced that I needed to like stay inside of a flow or stay inside of a mindset in order to finish and that I would lose that mindset if I slept and had a bunch of dreams that weren't about the book and woke up. And I do think that was kind of effective. It's not healthy. Yeah. I don't feel like I can recommend it. It's not good for your body or for your soul,

but it did sort of work. Like I remember finishing looking for Alaska at like nine o'clock in the morning, finishing the last major revision when I wrote the last four pages of the book. And I mean, it felt pretty good. So are dubious advice? Chocolate chips. Do you have any other work ways to stay up late?

No, that's a great way. Okay, chocolate chips, maybe do some squats. What? Yeah. Maybe do some squats. I've heard people say that. No, if you're gonna do exercise to try to get energy into your body, you wanna try to do

kind of full body exercise, I would say. So I would say more like push-ups. Okay, John says push-ups. Or just try to hold a plank for four minutes, and then eat a chocolate chip. And if you're so tired that you can't keep studying, that means that you're too tired to keep studying. Go to sleep.

Yeah. You're definitely too tired to take a test, which is what you will be required to do in the morning. All right, we have another question. This one comes from Ari who writes, dear John and Hank, I'm writing because my dad keeps calling the pod fun with Bob and John.

How do I get him to stop? It's really annoying, not made of air, Ari, or maybe airy. Hello, and welcome to fun with Bob and John. This is new podcast where we answer your questions and tell you all the weeks news from Smash Mouths All-Star. Yeah, oh, that's a much better idea. A spin-off podcast where Hank reviews the All-Star music video shot by shot.

That is a great idea. Ask yourself that, Hank. Is that a good idea for a podcast? Is it? It's called A Now. It's a great podcast. It is a great name, but is it a great idea for a podcast? Look, look, John, no, that's why we have to do it inside of this podcast because no one would

listen to that one. Right, but that that that is my point. We'll see what happens, John. Dad jokes are a good idea for a podcast. What I would have tweeted this week is such a good idea for a podcast that you started a podcast on that topic. The news from Mars is a good podcast idea. Other people have that podcast. The news from AFC Wimbledon, obviously a great podcast idea, hence the nine years podcast, the unofficial AFC Wimbledon audio scene. My point is that a good bit should be of distilled version of a good podcast idea. John, I think that we have to let the audience decide. Patreon.com slash Hank and John, I have never been so stressed out. If I have to listen to two and a half years, years of Hank reviewing the All-Star Music video,

I might quit. I might quit. You can't hold that over the people. Okay, I won't quit, but I will really, you know how I've been able to get into the news from Mars and I've become kind of interested in Mars? I'm gonna really struggle with the audio reviewing of a visual medium. All right.

Ari, I think that it's great that your dad even knows about our podcast. That's absolutely. I'm strongly in favor of him calling it fun with Bob and John. Perhaps because I'm the one whose name is being remembered correctly, but I don't know, Hank, what do you think? I find with it. I love it. I think that's a better name for a podcast.

It is. And I wish I was born Bob so that we could have a podcast called Fun with Bob and John. And I think we'd have more listeners, John. I think that people would flock to us, especially if we talked about all Star a lot. That's what's really keeping our podcast from being a breakout hit, is that your name isn't Bob, and we don't talk enough about a single pop song that came out 25 years ago. It is a good song.

All right, let's see what happens. This next question comes from Austin who asks, dear Hank and John, I've been dating my girlfriend for over six years now, and every time I see her parents, I never address them with their names, only MAM or Sir. It's not that I don't know their names, but I don't know if I should use them or Mr. and Mrs. first and last name, perpetually using non-specific pronouns, Austin. I struggled with that.

Me too. With my in-laws for a while. What do you do now? Now that we're like old. Now I call them by their first names. Yeah, I largely call them by their first names. You know what you should do? You should skip over first name, last name, all of that and just start calling the mom and dad right now.

Yeah. And see how they respond to that. Boom. Even though they're not married, not even engaged, just like. Yeah., I mean when I was in high school I would call my friends parents mom and dad just cuz like that was the convenient thing to do instead of having to try and Remember all their names are like say Mrs. Delater. That's very weird. Yeah, I guess I don't think it about it I don't I feel like I just never referred to adults Except for my parents by name or at all or by rank.

You know, I would go to extraordinary lengths like our listener to just not refer to them directly. So I'd be like, hello. Hi. Right. Yeah, good to see you. Well, that's, I do that all the time now because I can't remember people's names very well, good to see you. Well, that's, I do that all the time now because I can't remember

people's names very well. Good to see you. I think that, I think that you like eventually you will have to make this transition and it's always going to be awkward. Like it's all and and especially like when you're you know six years ago, I'm imagining maybe you're like a teenager like early 20s and so like yeah, sir and ma'am, that's what you do. But if you're like 28 now, you have to start like not saying sir all the time. It's like almost too respectful. I don't know. It depends on different dynamics and cultures

are different in different places. But like eventually, you do have to make this transition and it's never not gonna be awkward. I might say, how would you prefer to be addressed? Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like, I would expect them to like, bring it up and be like, you could call me Jeff. Yeah. That's what he sounds like.

That's true. It's kind of on them. In fact, this isn't your problem. This is their problem. Forget it. Boom, John solves your problem for you. It's not yours. Did I ever tell you about the time I saw one of the senators from Indiana, any recognized me and he came up to me, shook my hand,

and looked me really deep in the eyes, and he's patting me on the back and said, I hope you sell a lot of things. Really? Yeah, I think he got halfway through the sentence, and he lost confidence in me being a writer. You know what he thought I was a writer? He was like, I'm a pretty sure I know who you are. He thought he wanted me to sell a lot of books. But then,

But boy, do I not want to say the wrong thing at this point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I think he got halfway through the sentence and he was like, I think this guy is a writer, but what if he is actually a recreational vehicle salesperson? I think I should just try to make it less specific and go with things. Because they only have both RVs and books are nouns. I hope you sell a lot of nouns, my friend. I hope you're crushing it in the nouns business, buddy.

I hope you're able to convince lots of people that those common nouns are actually very fancy proper nouns. You gotta convince those consumers. You gotta get that grand crew recreational vehicle going. Oh God, the grand crew of All-Star Music Videos is here to stay. You gotta watch it, John. Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by grand crew, grand crew. You should pay more for it, even. Which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by Grand Crew, Grand Crew.

You should pay more for it, even if it's not better. It's podcast is also brought to you by Fun with Bob and John! Fun with Bob and John with Bob and John Green coming to you the real Monday morning! How do we have so much energy at 5 o'clock in the morning? Well, today's podcast is also brought to you by eating a chocolate chip every five minutes. Hahaha. And also this podcast is brought to you by Grand Maws, Ranchiro Man's Novels.

Framles Ranchiro Man's Novels, come on down. It's on I-375 in downtown Roanoke. Oh, butter and out. Bound. We also have a project for awesome message from James to Kayla, friends with Venezuela. I want to give a shout out to my wife Kayla as she's brand new veterinarian dedicated to the care of furry friends. I'm so proud of her commitment and passion.

She has a question, if you could have any animal as a pet without consequences or responsibilities, what would you choose? Kayla would pick a lion. Remember, vaccinate your pets. James plus Jacob Bo Sabrina Casper and Torment. How many of Jacob Bo Sabrina Casper and Torment are humans? And how many are pets? I'm gonna say that one of those people is a person person.

I think Jacob and Sabrina are people. And I think Bo and Casper and Tormond are cats. I think that we could safely say that Tormond is a cat or dog. And I'm gonna feel really bad if I'm wrong about that. There's two possibilities, Hank. One is that Tormond is a pet. And the other is that Tormond is an amazing human, right? Like, I mean, there have to be people who were named

torment before Game of Thrones came out and are just like, oh, grand. That was just like, as if I didn't have enough challenges going through the world as a torment. It's like being a Hermione. Yeah, they're out there. They're just, they're just aren't a ton of them. I mean, it's also. It's like being a Hermione. Yeah, they're out there. They're just aren't a ton of them. I mean, it's also a little bit like being a hank

in the 90s when South Park had a hank poo. But to get to the question here, if you could have any animal as a pet without consequences or responsibilities, what would it be? For me, it would definitely be a fox. Without consequences or responsibilities, I don it be? For me, it would definitely be a fox. Without consequences or responsibilities, I don't understand how this is possible,

but if I could have any pet without consequences or responsibilities, it would be a blue whale because like there's no consequences. And there's no responsibility. So like just go all out. Right, but I just think a blue whale wouldn't be that fun to play with. No, no, screw this.

I want to stick a Soros. Oh, yeah, definitely. Great point. Why are we sticking to extant species? I want Yoda. I want. Yoda is not a pet. Yoda is a person.

No consequences are responsibilities, John. Right, but do not get me started on whether humanoids like Yoda and Chubaka are people. Okay, Yoshi then. Yoshi's. John, I've changed my mind. I don't want to dinosaur. I don't want to blue whale.

I don't want Yoda. I want Shyhulu. I want the sand word from Dune. I want Yoshi. I want to say, that's way better. I don't know why I want these terrifying animals. Yeah. But there's no consequence.

So it doesn't matter. Right. But like, if I'm gonna have an animal with no consequences, I want it to be an animal that can like put almost anything inside of its mouth and store it for me for an infinite amount of time. And also, that's like happy to have me ride on top of it while it takes me to various locales.

I mean, this is also true of the sandworm from Dune though. Oh, okay. All of those things are the same. All right, we got another question. This will come from Juliana who writes, dear John and Hank, I walk about two miles to college every morning. There are three other schools in elementary, a middle, and a high school on the way. This seems like the setup for a joke, but it's not.

This means that I often find myself walking in the middle of a gaggle of children I don't know. Now, I don't mind being caught in the elementary school kid crowd because then I can blend in with the parents. However, because of when my class starts, I'm usually stuck with the middle schoolers. I'm a fairly confident 23 year old adult, but middle schoolers are terrifying, Juliana.

John, why are middle schoolers so terrifying? I'm right there with Juliana. They are. Every time I've ever done an event in a middle school, like walking through the halls and seeing the lockers and seeing the middle schoolers, I break out in a sweat. And I know that I'm an adult,

but the way that they are able to casually and coolly just destroy me, yeah, it's never gone away. They still have that power. I was in high school, and there was a middle school that lived down the street street and I was like, I assume that I will be sort of like in a social position where I will be instantly respected because I'm like five years older than this kid. And I like went on the street to play basketball

and he was just so mean and I was like, I hate this so much. And I had to like, I got destroyed. Yeah. I was like, you know, a foot taller than this kid, and everything it came out of his mouth, just sunk into my soul. I was cold. Like, what is it about them? I don't know, but they have, it's a quasi-magical power,

but the bad kind of magic. It's that they have the bad magic. The middle school. That said, I don't want all the middle schoolers out there to feel like they're terrible or evil or anything. No, yeah, I guess it's more that you're powerful, far more powerful than you understand yourselves to be. Right. Because the way that you wield words causes ongoing terror in adults. And so if you if you are a middle schooler and you feel like deeply hurt by the things that people say about you, please know that like that is normal and it's okay and

it will get better because you won't always be surrounded by middle schoolers. Yeah, there's there's maybe a nugget here that I had never thought of until now, but like there are points in your life when you don't know your own strength physically. And you will do things and be like, oh, I didn't realize I was strong enough to do that. I remember I was at mini golf and I accidentally wax somebody in the face. You remember this, John? Casey.

Yeah, I waxed Casey in the face of the golf club and he bled. And I was like, I did not know. I was physically capable of doing that much damage because like, previously, I hadn't been. And like middle school is the time when you become capable of doing like social damage and you don't know yet. You don't understand that or you're like, or it's like sort of marvelous and magical. And so you're like trying it out and like,

is this working? What am I doing? So you don't know your own strength, and so you cause damage when you don't know that you can, or you become kind of like really enamored of the fact that you can have this power, and you use it without thinking. I also think it's easy to forget that middle schoolers

are kids, and that they're super vulnerable, because they don't like look as vulnerable to adults a lot of times as for instance elementary school kids do and that can make them feel a little intimidating, but they're still kids. I remember being in sixth and seventh grade and being like acutely aware that I was a child that developed mentally, but inside of a body that less and less resembled what I felt like.

Right. Yes, it's almost like part of the uncanny valley of the middle school is like not knowing what category to put them in. So you just have to remember, Juliana, that however uncomfortable you feel, just try to remember how much harder it is to be in seventh grade. And then get some roller blades and just skate onto school. You're going to be so cool.

It's going to be like, wow, there's that super confident 23 year old Juliana. Wow, look at Juliana going to school on her. Like, I don't know what are they had. I don't know if they have roller blades anymore. Heelies or possibly boosted boards. Use a razor scooter. Yeah, absolutely. I don't get them.

Get that razor scooter. Then they'll be like, oh dang, look at Juliana. Woo. Razor scooter. I had one of those, but my mom took it away from me for two weeks because I used the F word in front of her. This next question, and probably our last, because we've had Bramble and on, John is from Melanie who asks, dear Hank and John, a couple of weeks ago, we had midterms, and it was very stressful. So I decided to start gardening since John had claimed that this helps with

the stress. Well, long story short, now I have 57 tomato plants growing strong and I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do with them. What do you do? Do you like call? Do you stop watering the ones that don't look as good? And do you just start giving away tomatoes? Do you start canning? What do you do, John? Help all of the above? You're gonna have too many tomatoes. So you're gonna give them away to anybody who will take them. You're gonna learn about canning, which by the way, don't do it wrong because then you can die. Get no pressure. Yeah, I've heard about that. Just can correctly or you will die. I don't want to

overstate it, but that is my understanding. Don't get your gardening advice from a bunch of Yahoo's who host fun with Bob and John, but yeah, be careful with the canning. And you're going to eat a lot of tomatoes. You're going to make yourself a tomato and cruton salad all of the time that has a fancy name, but you just call it tomato and cruton salad because you're, you're a regular person, you're a person of the people. Grand crew.

Just call that that. And you're just going to enjoy having too many tomatoes. And then next year, you're going to be like me and you're going to think, you know, I think this year I'm going to be going to like four or five tomato plants. And I'll focus on the other items that I could make. This is like the only gardening tip I can give. One of everything except garlic. Because garlic lasts. And also garlic that you grow in your yard is better than garlic from the store. It's easier to peel because store garlic is terrible and it shouldn't exist. And then like if you have too much garlic, first that's not gonna happen because it lasts forever. In second, if you do, everybody wants garlic. Like it's never

it's never hard to give away garlic, especially because people will take it because they're like, well, I don't need garlic right now, but I will eventually. Because if you give someone a tomato, it's like, well, I have to use this today or tomorrow or never. Great point.

Garlic. Listen, before we get to the news from Mars and Nancy Wilden, there's a few things that we need to discuss. Several people wrote in about Liverpool, including Christa, who wrote, dear John and Hank, but mostly John, since when are you a Liverpool fan? I thought you were a diehard AFC Wimbledon fan.

I'm confused about this whole Liverpool thing, Mary Christa Miss Christa, which is a great name specific sign off for July. Christa, I've been a Liverpool fan for my entire adult life, and I've been a Liverpool fan for my entire adult life and I've been a supporter and sponsor of AFC Wimbledon since 2013. So that's the deal.

They don't play each other very often. They played each other once. I made a video about it. A couple videos actually back in the day. But yeah, I don't talk about Liverpool that often on the podcast because the podcast is an AFC Wimbledon oriented podcast. There's plenty of Liverpool podcasts out there. God knows. But I have been a Liverpool fan for a long time. And even though, you know, my heart is definitely

swells with every AFC Whimbledon victory on a Saturday morning. I am always, always, always watching Liverpool. It's not new. It's, it am always, always, always, always watching Liverpool. It's not new. It's always been a thing. It's just not as much of a podcast thing. It's always been a thing. It's more of a personal thing.

I recently had an opportunity to turn my love for Liverpool Football Club into a job. And I realized that if I did that, it wouldn't be fun anymore. And so I chose not to. Also, David wrote in to say that, indeed, there are more non-computable numbers than computable numbers.

I was excited to hear about computability theory on the pod as that is what I am writing my PhD thesis about not yet a doctor, David. Well, good luck, David. It sounds like a gripping PhD thesis. I can't wait to read it. I bet I won't be able to read it. I bet it'll be written in the language of math.

I also, somewhat similarly, Kristen wrote in to say, after listening to the pod this week, I wanted to write in because I am the campaign lead for curiosity's exploration of the clay bearing unit. Wow. What a cool job. I mean, why aren't you on the podcast? Kristen, email me, come on the pod. Yeah, fun with Bob and Kristen.

Yeah, part of my job is to decide what observations we need to address the most important science questions in this region. When we learned that we identified clay in the drill samples in the clay bearing unit, it was so exciting and I was so incredibly relieved to find that we had successfully predicted that with orbital data.

Thanks for featuring that milestone on the pod. It made my day. Oh. I'm a long time listener of the pod and I love that you decided to talk about Mars news of the week. My favorite so far was how Georgia is developing wine that can grow on Mars. I suppose I am also now invested in AOC Wimbledon. Ha ha ha, you're getting them, John.

People be excellent podcasts. Clay's getting them, John. People with the excellent podcasts, Clay's and Curiosity Kristen. Oh, all right. So Hank, speaking of Mars, what's the news from Mars? This week on the Surface of Mars, John Star Trek. So the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, as the name was suggests, is orbiting Mars. And it is reconnacing, taking high resolution pictures

of the Surface of Mars with the high-rise camera, and they have, they take a bunch of pictures all the time for a bunch of different reasons, but they found on the surface of Mars what appears to be the logo of Starfleet, which resulted in a little bit of Twitter beef between William Shatner and Mark Hamill, talking about whether or not any Star Wars logos had ever been on Mars. But if you're curious, you might have heard about this, but the reason that there is a Star Trek logo on Mars is actually kind of interesting. So these images are from a Helless Planesha, a large plane in the Helless impact basin,

which formed almost four billion years ago, and a meteor hit Mars. And over time, it's had volcanoes and dust storms, and maybe even glaciers. And in the case of the Starfleet logo, at some point a long time ago, there were big crescent-shaped dunes moving through the region that were pushed by wind, like sand dunes are. And then a volcanic eruption happened,

and as lava began to flow, it cooled and solidified around the dunes. The lava didn't cover the dunes, it just surrounded them. So there are still these like crescent-shaped islands of sand that are there, but the dunes have since blown away. So these are called dune imprints or dune casts. They're like the handprint celebrities make, except that it's like the handprint of a dune that has long since blown away from the surface and gone somewhere else. Wow. That's pretty cool. It also just seems weird that the Star Trek logo would presage that, you know?

Yeah, I mean, the thing about- There's something a little yungy in about it. Yeah. I've always looked at the Star Trek logo and felt like there was something deep and weird about it. I don't know. Yeah, graphic design oftentimes is about like, shapes that are unique, but still feel natural, still feel normal and like fit into our brain in really good ways. Right.

And it's interesting that like this like futuristic symbol, like you see it and it's like this is a very recognizable logo, but it is also like not something that you would necessarily see a company now using because it has this weird futuristic feel to it. Yeah. And why culture? But in the same way that the Star Trek logo is not quite symmetrical, this dune print is not quite symmetrical, which it's just, it is pretty wild. Yep.

It's real good. Well, Hank, the news from AFC Wimbledon is curious. Our manager, Wally Downes, has told the South London press, quote, I think we're just about done when it comes to transfer business. Then he said, I've got a little bit of wild card money, which is not how I like my sponsorship money to be referred to, but whatever, but not a great deal.

I would argue that it's actually pretty significant. It's the cloud's decision how and when they do incomings and outgoings, we're all aware of what is going on and it is how and when they release it, which is an amazing number of its personants without a single antecedent. All right, so I have no idea what any of that means, but like more so than you, just for clarity. Yeah.

So what I interpreted as meaning is one, Wallydowns does not want to answer questions about incoming transfers. Two, it would seem that the club has signed players or made agreements with players who will be coming in, but we haven't announced those. So they are not yet publicly known. That is my hope. The other possibility, which is worrisome, is that we just aren't going to sign any new players. Also, this week we found out that James Hansen, who was an important striker last season, has left the club by so-called mutual agreement, which usually means that James Hansen had

a contract, but the club was like, you're probably not going to play much next year. And James Hansen was like, all right, well, then I'll leave if you, you know, make it easy for me to leave. And now is being signed by a team in the fourth year of English football, Grims B. Town. So good luck to James in his future endeavors. It does mean that Wimbledon is going to need, I think, my opinion is that Wimbledon needs a striking partner to go alongside Joe Piggitt. And I don't yet know who that person is gonna be. I hope that Wally Downs knows who that person is gonna be,

but time will tell. When does sports start again? Sports starts again in mid-August. So we have almost two more months of so-called silly season. Ha ha ha ha. Is that what they call it? Yeah, yeah, they call it silly season because it's just constant. I mean, for Wimbledon less so, but for like the top level teams like Manchester United

and Liverpool, it's just constant speculation about who's going to be signed and who's going to be released. And it's all a reality television program essentially, but oh, it's just magnificently written and casted. Well, I'm excited for your future. And I had a really good time making this podcast, John. If you want to go and answer our survey, it's at patreon.com slash deer, Hank and John. You don't have to be a patron to fill it out.

But if you want to be a patron, you can listen to our patron only podcast this week and Ryan's, which John and I are going to go record right now. We really appreciate everybody who goes and does that. It's going to be helpful both for me finding out that you're really excited about our new and I are gonna go record right now. We really appreciate everybody who goes and does that. It's gonna be helpful both for me finding out that you're really excited about our new segment. Hey now, you're here on Dear Hank and John, and I also have to write that survey.

So I'm also gonna do that after this weekend Ryan's just reminding myself. John, yes, thanks for fawning with me. Thank you. This podcast is produced by Rosiana Halsey Rojas and shared in Gibson. It's edited by Joseph Tuna Mettish, our head of community and communications, and it's Victoria von Jornow.

The music that you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. you