Dear Hank & John - 290: Independent Elmer Experts

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

Is Mars a world? Which side of the bagel is better? Which came first, when or then? Why is there a cow on this glue? Why do people have go-to orders? Who decides when Easter happens? Who decides anything, really? Is it normal to sneeze? Hank Green and John Green have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank. It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you the advice and bring you all the weeks news from, both Mars and Airstool and building. John, it's Catherine's birthday today as this podcast is coming out. And she asked for a Pixar movie about a young boy and an old man who become friends on and they take a huge adventure all over the world

With balloons and talking dogs and etc. And I just I just couldn't get it for her Why not? Why am I getting a recruit? Because I'm never gonna give her up never gonna give her up. I'm never gonna give her up She can't have up. That's my joke. That was good, that was good. We're done it for a while.

Yeah, and I appreciate, I always appreciate a Rick Roll. I especially appreciate a Rick Roll that I truly do not see coming. In addition to being Catherine's birthday, and I think it's important to say Hank that when I talked to Catherine about her birthday, she was very clear with me about what she actually wanted for her birthday, which was for every living American to order the Anthropocene Reviewed book, which comes out tomorrow.

Wow. Oh gosh, that's also true. Yeah. So she was just like, you know what? I don't want anything for me. Just make sure that everybody gives someone they care about in their lives. The new nonfiction book, the Anthropocene Reviewed, available everywhere books are sold as of tomorrow. You can't get an unsigned copy because they're on the company. You can't happen. I got mine. It is a signed copy. It's a beautiful book too. You can't happen. You can't happen. I got mine. It is a signed copy. It's a beautiful book too and fun.

Thanks. I mean, it's not always fun, of course. Yeah. Small talk so bad. When I've been talking about it, if my voice sounds a little thin, it's because I've been doing nine straight hours of radio interviews. But when I've been talking about it, I inevitably like emphasize what I want the book to be, but like I don't talk about the fact that it's funny.

And I'm a little worried that people are gonna like read this book and be like, this book is kind of funny. But yeah, it's supposed to be funny. We're also like, don't realize, and they'll be like, I don't want that in my life. They'll be like, yeah, well, I don't, it's a weird book. I hope you like it. It comes out tomorrow.

I always had that same problem where I'd always end up talking about all the serious parts of the book and then I'd be like, right, it's a adventure story and it's a romp and everybody's nice. Not everybody's. Yeah, that's one of the things about your books that makes it really hard to talk about because like it is about the social internet and the complexities of navigating internet fame. And those are big, weighty subjects that are treated in a big, weighty way. Right. But the book is also really, really fun. And, and I, I guess the reason it's important

to me to point that out is that like, I am not interested in books that are not fun. Like, yeah, I want to cry. I want to be fun. Like, yeah, I wanna cry. I wanna be moved. I wanna feel something. I wanna think big thoughts. But it had better be fun. Because this is hard. This is really hard.

And you don't mean books. You mean life. I mean life. And I do not need another assignment right now. Yeah, well, it's interesting. and I do not need like another assignment right now. Right? Well, I mean, it's interesting. Like, obviously your books also are not always considered to be fun.

That's not the first adictive people use, but they are fun. That's one of the things that's like the main thing you forget about them when you're done with them. Yeah, well, I don't want it to feel like an assignment or a responsibility or an obligation or any of that like reading should be pleasurable and We've a little bit like lost this I think because now we associate reading books with this like kind of like

classy sophisticated activity or whatever Yeah, but like reading is joyful and I've tried really hard to write a book that like looks hard for joy and looks hard for wonder and celebrates it where I can find it. So anyway, the book comes out tomorrow. I hope everybody likes it. I'm super nervous. Here's our first question. It's from Fell who writes, Dear John and Hank, I know Mars is a planet, but is Mars a world? I know Mars is a planet, but is Mars a world? Hmm.

I don't know. You know, I think yes. And I don't know. Yeah, well, so I think Mars used to be a world, but I don't know if it's a world now. See, I think there are, I think world is larger than planet. Oh, no, disagree. So are you saying the moon is part of our world?

No, I'm saying the moon is a world of its own. Oh, oh. Okay, follow up question. Is an asteroid that is like, habitated, is that a world? I think that if it's big enough, it is. And how big does it have to be? I need an exact circumference.

Well, so like the livable area, I think is the important thing here. But just to be clear, the livable area of Mars is zero square feet. Same with the moon. Same with the moon. I mean, the smallest apartment I've ever lived in has literally infinitely more

livable. Yeah, Mars or the moon. So you, so that is also a world. I think that I think that so does the earth contain the apartment that I lived in on the Upper West Side with Sarah's in graduate school as a world. That's good to know. I'll tell the opera singer who lived upstairs that she lived in another world literally a completely different world. That's it. That's it. And the guy who lived below us also lived in the middle of the world between the world.

Yeah, it was one building with nine worlds in it. I mean, is that kind of true though? Like, do you think that there can be more than one world on this planet? I think they're kind of can be like my own little world, you know, like if you if you find a place that you know very well, that no one else knows, that you spend a lot of time in, and that becomes your world. Yeah. Yes, but those, your world, I don't know, I see what you mean.

I think the risk of that is the implication that somehow your world can exist separate from other people's worlds. That's always the risk. Like when you start to talk about like the first world or whatever. Right, right. But, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about whether Mars is a world. And the answer to whether Mars is a world is, in my opinion, whether or not anything is alive on Mars. Yeah. Right. I mean, it'd be interesting. Like, that's interesting that the idea of a world.

Because we kind of need a word for that. Like, we have, yes, we have like. Imagine the NASA press conference, Hank, where somebody sits down and there are all these microphones and they clear their throat and then they calmly say, today, we would like to announce that Mars is a world. And everybody just like explodes into a frog. It's a world that Mars is a world. And everybody just like explodes into a flaws. It's a world, it's a world, there's life on Mars.

Yeah, well, so it wouldn't be, so somebody else would have to decide on that definition of a world. And that would be the international astronomical union, not NASA, because we don't do that. Just one country doesn't get to decide things like that. So there's a union of scientists who do that. And they're the people who decided that Pluto

wasn't a planet, for example. Right, I recall. Of all the things the internet has gotten upset about that might be the least interesting one. Yeah, I do. Which is really saying something. I do find that that, well, what, so like, I find that particular opinion,

not that interesting, but I find the preve, and I'm sorry, because I know a lot of people have it, but the prevalence of it, I do find interesting because it is so hard to take something that you have known your whole life and that you were taught in school and suddenly have that not be a thing anymore. It just is like, no, no, I will like this is like a bedrock

of my understanding of the world. And we have to do this all the time. We have to do this all the time and it's more than just planets. It's also like understanding our our society, our history, our our government, our country. That'sigs bows on. It's hard. Yeah, it's true. We have to make room for the fact that the way we understand the world is incomplete, and as it gets more complete, there are things that we thought were true that turn out not to be. I saw a person who got very angry today on TikTok who was saying, I don't understand

how these different species are having babies that can have babies. And because there's this very specific definition of species that we talk about, that just doesn't embody reality effectively because it's just more complicated than that. And the beauty of that, or the complexity of that is really beautiful. But we don't have time to get into it

in middle school science class. And so you're taught this thing, it's just not quite true. It's mostly true, but it should be taught, it should be taught as not quite true. And this is, it's hard. It's hard to do. Yeah, yeah, this is definitely one of the like dead horses

that I have beaten to death and will now further beat but We have to acknowledge that we don't know almost everything So the reason why what we know keeps changing is that we don't know almost everything and I We are so there are so many biases in Contemporary discourse, but to me the biggest bias is we are completely biased by what we know or think we know. And we pay very little attention to what we don't know. We pay so little attention to big questions, big unanswered questions about how virus is spread, about virus seasonality, about virus infectivity. We don't know. There's so much we don't know about virology

because like 150 years ago, we didn't know there were viruses. From 99.99% of human history, we didn't know about them. And I think, okay, there's a really important distinction here because it's very easy to hear. We don't know almost everything and think most of what we know is wrong. That's not a no. No, no, no. There's a lot we know. We don't know almost everything and think most of what we know is wrong. That's not a no saying. We don't know.

We almost all right. But there is so much that we don't know. Now there are some things that we think we know that we're wrong about. And like which things are those? That's hard to know. But most of them we're right about. Yeah. But like, for example, we don't know like how it's like pick a South American

lizard. We don't know almost everything, like we know what it is. We've named it. We know what it looks like. We got a picture of it, but we don't know almost everything about its life, what it does all day. Like, we don't know, I don't know what you did all day. That's, it also encompassed in the, in the every almost everything that we don't know, I don't know what you did all day. That's, it also encompassed in the,

in the every, almost everything that we do not know. I don't know almost everything that's happening inside of my body. Yeah. Like, I don't know about the bacterial infections I'm fighting off. I don't understand, I don't understand why I'm thinking about what I'm thinking about.

I don't understand why I can't stop thinking about it. We don't understand, we don't understand why people can't stop thinking about it. We don't understand. We don't understand why people have thoughts like yeah We don't understand how it's possible to have a to wake up in the morning with the same song in your head that you went to sleep with like what How is that a thing? Did I go to see did did that time even pass? Here's what I think about all the time We don't know why when I close my eyes and I think of an apple, we don't know where that apple is.

Where's the pickle? Oh, I have no idea. We have no idea where that apple is. Yeah. We don't know. We don't know how we do that. It's weird. It's weird that we can do that.

It's weird that I can close my eyes and point to the television. That's weird. Also some people can't see the apple. I know. I know. We don't know why that is. We don't. We don't know almost everything, but what we do know is mostly true.

There are some things that unlike the edge of knowledge, and this is, I think this is where it's an issue for me. And we will get back to this question of whether Mars is a world, which was only a five word question, but there are things that are on the edge of knowledge that we often act like we're kind of certain about because it's very inconvenient to have them on the edge of knowledge. Right.

Like we have some ideas, why viruses might be seasonal. We have actually some really good ideas. We have even some ideas that are backed up by fairly strong evidence. We don't have, but we aren't sure. And living with that uncertainty is really difficult. And then asking someone to take their certainty, such as that Pluto is a planet, and de-certify, and now become certain that Pluto is not a planet, is a big ask.

So I get why people are upset about it, because like, it takes so much work to get to certainty, and now you're telling me that it wasn't a planet all along. And so I understand the frustration there, and that's why we have to be very careful about defining whether or not Mars is a world. Because if we have to unworld Mars, it's going to be such an issue. John.

John. John. They're going to get so upset. They're going to be like, Mars was a world down your side. It's not a world. Maybe I can't trust anything. Maybe the earth is flat. Do you know? So I've done a little bit of research just now. And I wanted to tell you one thing that makes up the vast majority of what we don't know. And that is the location of people's airpods. So almost all of what we don't know.

And this is remarkable because it's a huge amount of stuff that we don't know. But the vast majority of what we don't know is just where your air pods are Where are the air pods? Which is why Which is why that that air pods makes about twice as much money as Spotify and Twitter and snap and Shopify combined Yeah, because you need a new pair of them every week because we don't know where any of them are I lost one of my AirPods, John. I had them for, I had, well, I'm, what, what should have been the

great thing about AirPods is that if you lose one of them, you've also lost the other one. That's not true. I could, I could, I almost always have just one AirPods in. Yeah. I, I find it distracting, but it is not a good, it is not a good like audit auditory experience, but I don't want an auditory experience. I want Benedict Cumberbatch to tell me about time is Mars a world. Look, I think that this is, I think I am right now, we don't have a good definition of a world. I think that if the livable area of a piece of the universe that is not

connect like that has vacuum of space between it and the earth is larger than like, let's say downtown London, that's a world. But you define livable. Livable means that life can live there. No, a human society can live there. Currently, then Mars and the moon are not a world. There are no worlds in our solar system, except for our world.

That is true. Now I want to throw a wrench and the monkey works here, because we are not even close to done with this question. Sorry. Sorry. Okay, we're just warming up. Okay. We're renaming the podcast is Mars a world. We're canceling the news from Mars and ASC, Wibbleton. This is all we are

from now. I love that. That's what you think I'm laughing about. But what do you have? I think about the chiefs decided you're going to throw a wrench into the monkey works. Madam monkey. You're into the work. The wrench works. What's the what's the state that I throw a monkey? John, do not throw a monkey into the wrench works. I might have to. I mean, I've got to stop the works. That's only to do it. That's only going to

stop the conversation. I think the works would be fine. Do you do I just throw a wrench into the works? Yeah, it could be a monkey wrench. If you wanted it to be, I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into the monkey works. I've not. Okay. I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into the works. Yeah, it could be a monkey wrench if you wanted it to be. I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into the monkey works. I've not. Okay. I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into the monkey works. Those monkeys are not going to be able to do any more industrial labor.

Once that this sabotage tour gets his work done, because those monkeys are going to have to shut it down. There's a wrench in there. Monkey works. Okay. I'm gonna throw a monkey wrench into the monkey works right now, Hank. You know how like every movie trailer begins with the words in a world? That's because in a world. Yes, very well done. That's because every time we imagine a world, we are imagining a world. And when we think about what that means when we say in a world, it means a place where sentient beings are living. Yeah, it's almost like you need, in order for there to be, for it to be a world, you need drama.

Yes. You know, some kind of human drama. Yes. Or not non-human drama, also would be fine. Or sentient drama. Yeah. You need, you need like creatures making choices, which I guess, I don't know.

I guess we're not the only creature on Earth that makes choices. No, there's plenty of non-human drama. Oh, I mean almost all the drama on Earth is non-human actually. We're sort of, we are very, we really put ourselves as the protagonist of this story, but like we are, what we are is a really loud, obnoxious side character.

Well, we are, yeah, I mean, it depends on how long the story is, but I'll tell you, we are, as you have put it, we are a problem for everyone. Yeah, I actually, in the Anthropocene Reviewed Book, I think I quote you as saying that. It's true, you said I said that. I don't remember having said that, but I believe you that I did.

Yeah, I mean, I should have probably run those quotes past you, but they were all flattering. Look, I absolutely believe you. Before we get to the next bit, can we just talk about how one time on stage I said, I had a very happy childhood, but I wasn't a very happy child. And you just wrote that down and an absolutely remarkable thing. And now it's like the third most quoted line in the book. Hey, hey, we got, we got to the van. I was working

on my book. And I said, can I put that in my book and you said, yes, yeah. Yeah. So I thanked you. If I'm in the end of the book for something or something else. Probably not for that specific thing. So I hope I didn't slightly misquote you in the Anthem Bissini review book. If I did, it was in the most flattering way imaginable because every single quote in that book is like, my wise little brother likes to say,

yeah, I just stole that. That was just April's line now. Well, I like it as an April line more than I like it as a me line anyway. I was never gonna use it. Yeah, yeah, otherwise it's kind of mean to our parents. Right. Well, again, though, it's had nothing to do with them

that I had an on, that I was an unhappy child. As evidenced by my mostly happy childhood, though I have my years. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Hank, though I have my ears. Yeah. Yep. All right, Hank, let's move on to another question. We didn't answer that one, but we did spend 22 minutes on it. This question is from Daisy who asks,

dear Hank and John, I swear, I swear this one won't be hard. When I want to eat only one side of a bagel, which side should I eat? Oh, no. The top looks fluffier and has some gapping air pockets that take away from the eating experience. But then the bottom half looks breadier and somehow thicker, but it has those weird little bread seeds

from the bottom that are sometimes take away from my eating experience. Bagel decision, Tazy, Daisy, lovely, sign off. I, so I know exactly what to do. I do too, and I want to do. I was such a strong opinion about this, and if you disagree with me, I'm gonna get so mad. It's gonna be like, well, how about you go first then?

Okay, here is my solution, Daisy. And it is so obvious, and it is so objectively correct. You cut the bagel in half, and you eat half of the top and half of the bottom together. That is an excellent idea and point. And it would totally trump my, like what I'm about to suggest, but wait for it. Here's what you do, you cut the bagel in half

and you have two halves of a bagel and you're like, I only want one of those. And then you pick somewhat at random based on looking at them and sort of just, I am also with you, Daisy. I don't have a good way to choose. And so I eat one half and sometimes it's the top and sometimes it's the bottom and I never quite feel like it was the right choice. Because then Daisy, I eat the other half every single time. Just cut the bagel in half. And that way you have both.

That's great. In the bottom, it's great. Yes. Hank, I have to. And then, and then eat the other half. Because I have never eaten half a bagel. It's very hard. It's like eating just one pringle.

Yeah, except that every pringle is 300 calories. Ha ha ha ha. Hank, I actually have to go upstairs for like five minutes because I have to, I have a door installation thing happening. Okay. So you are going to have the most wonderful experience. I've had this experience a couple times. I don't think you've ever had it where you get to host the podcast by yourself and do a question by yourself.

I'll be right back. Okay, all right. Well, let's do that. So this next question by yourself, I'll be right back. Okay, all right, well let's do that. So this next question, goodbye, John. It comes from Dana who asks, dear Hank and I don't care about John, Dana said, wow that's convenient. Today I realized that when you remove the first letter

from when, where, and what, and replace it with a T, you get the question. Then, there, and that. But I'm wondering which came first. We're gonna save that one for John because my mind has been blown and I hope that he has an answer for it because he bolted it and I didn't bolt it.

So instead I'm going to move on. I'm gonna ask this question from Henry who has a question about glue and I can't answer it. It's from Henry, he says, dear Hank, I don't care about John. Also weirdly, I'm five and my name is Henry. Mama's helping me type this. I like Hank's joke videos.

Why? That's awesome. Thank you for coming to this podcast. Why does this glue have a cow on the front? Is it called cow glue? Henry. So this is a picture of Elmer's glue. It's safe, non-toxic, washable, no run school glue.

It's the number one teacher brand. And if you are an America anyway, it has a very high probability that you have used Elmer's glue. If you take a look at Elmer's glue, there's a bull above the glue. And this is because Elmer's glue was originally made by the company, Borden. Borden, you may have still be buying milk or milk products from Borden because they still exist. They've been around since the 1850s, and they used to make glue because the guy who started Borden, his name was Gale Borden, he had,

he was an inventor and stuff, and he figured out ways to turn cow products into other products, including, there was a bull named Elmer, apparently, in the sort of boredom mythology, and his casein, casein, it's a protein was used as the gluipart of the glue.

Now, Elmer's glue is no longer made out of cow parts, but it was once. And so Henry, that's the news. I think that it was made from the hooves of cows that were part of part of the Borden family enterprise. So that's Elmer. There's a picture of Elmer. There's always been a picture of Elmer on Elmer's glue since for over a hundred years now. Now Elmer, Borden doesn't even own Elmer's anymore. It got bought by a different company. But anyway, that's the story of Elmer. And I think Elmer was married, so they were like a cow couple

and the branding, Elmer was married to LC the cow. And so LC made the milk and Elmer made the glue and that was the, I mean, they were being creative and all this stuff back then, I'm sure it was like, wow, this is a really inventive brand strategizing. No one's ever imagined products the way that Gordon is. And now it's of course very, very old fashion. So there was no man named Elmer,

there was a cow named Elmer. Elmer was married to Elsie, the cow, and he's where the glue came from. Henry is at it at the end. PS. My favorite Hank joke is, why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead, why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was staple to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? It was pure pressure. You're five, Henry. That seems like, I'm sorry. I think that seems like a bit of a dramatic joke for you, but I'm glad that you liked it but I'm glad that you liked it. I'm glad that you liked it, and I'm glad that this is great. Now, Henry will know this thing about Homer's glue

because John hasn't gotten back yet, and John will never know. Oh, no one tellin'. How was it? Wait, no one tell me what? The, you, everyone is gonna know something about the world that you don't know. It's not an important thing. It's not about you. Oh gosh. But everybody's gonna know it, and you're not, you're not never gonna know something about the world that you don't know. It's not an important thing. It's not about you

Oh gosh, but everybody's gonna know it and you're you're not never gonna know you might learn some other time Yeah, like when I listen to the podcast Yeah, you act like it's like not publicly available Do you listen to the podcast? I mean not usually, but I'll listen to that bit Okay, well you'll learn about it then, then. Actually, I listen to it a fair amount because my kids are big fans. They're really, they mostly like the Uncle Hank parts, though.

Catherine also listens to it. So I will sometimes hear it. I can't walk in. She was listening to it in the kitchen where you were talking about Irish settlers. And I just, I'm like, that is a good podcast. We're, oh, God. It's really good. You were talking about Irish settlers, and I just was like, that is a good podcast.

Oh, God. It's really good. John, now that you're back, I started answering a question and I gave up on it. Okay. Because I felt like I needed you. Okay. And what was I desperately, is from Dana who asks,

dear Hank and John, and now I'm including John on it. Today, I realized that when you remove the first letter from when, where, and what, and replace it with a T, you get the answer to each question. Yeah. Then, there, and that. But I'm wondering which came first.

The question of the answer, there is no way this can be a coincidence thanks Dana. My mind is melting. That is wild. Yeah, well, it is very weird. Then there. And that, like, well, like, is that why the Hs are there? You don't need the Hs there. This is wild, John. I don't know if that's why the Hs are there. I know. I must not be what. I'm sure it's not why the Hs are there, but still. So Hank, I've never been able to find a definitive answer

to this question. It is something that I have wondered about over the years when I was writing something, because it is very strange. And I'm sure there is a relationship between them. I just don't know what it is. I don't know if we even know which predates the other. Hopefully somebody who's an expert will write in and tell us. What I do know is that who's those also adheres to this rule.

But why? Why thy doesn't? What I do know is that who's those also adheres to this rule? But why, why thy doesn't? I mean, unless you wanna get really like metaphysical or whatever, and the one that definitely doesn't is there is no wheeze for these, but there definitely should be. Like, there should totally be a, like, who's are these? Should be, that question should be asked as, wee's, and the answer should be these. Or would it be, wee's these?

Wee's these, wee's these. Wee's, wee's, wee's, wee's these. It should be wee's, just shorten it all up. So how, if you put a W in front of how and call it wow, then thou would be what would be left over. So how, that doesn't answer that question. It does that with a lot of work. Again, you got to get a little metaphysical for thou to answer how, but you don't have

to get at all metaphysical for weeeze to answer it with these. So there's something about saying it that I just find wildly fulfilling wheeze. These. I'm sorry. I didn't get the question to answer, but thank you for blowing my mind. We have another, oh, did you answer the Elmer the Cow one? I did. Oh God, that's the best story.

And I can't believe five-year-old Henry helped me uncover it. Oh, an incredible story. Yeah. Who knew? Well, maybe you know. Elmer's glue was owned by the Borden Dairy people because glue had a, I knew all of it.

And it's an incredible story. And I can't believe that you stole it from me. Just because I had to talk to the guy about the door Did you find out about Elsie? Yes, I know all about Elsie and Elmer and their relationship with each other It's a wild story Well, do you know more about the relationship than they were married because that's all I know I only know that there's there was Elsie the cow and Elmer the cow Well, they were married But they they just be, they weren't really married

for two reasons. One, cows don't get married. And two, they weren't real cows. Yeah, yeah. You know everything that I knew. I can't believe we independently became experts in Elmer, the cow. To solve five-year-old Henry's problem, but Henry, they did it. They didn't have question, man. Henry, they did have question, man. Yeah, they did have like a,

so they had enough of a, there was an LC comic, so like LC had comics. And I've got an LC, the Cal cartoon here where they've got their children, Bula and Beauregard. And Elmer does not look happy. He just wants to read his newspaper,

which would be the equivalent of looking at your phone. And Elsie is unsurprisingly taking care of all the business. All right. Well, you did dig a little deeper than I did if you made it all the way to the Elmer Elsie relationship dynamics as told in the comics about them. This next question comes from Emily who writes to your channel Hank. Yesterday I went to Subway and I ordered the sandwich that Andy gets in a beautifully foolish endeavor because I read that book and I loved it by the way.

And it sounded good as a sandwich. The sandwich was amazing. But so was by the way, I like Subway. Amazing is a very strong adjective. It's a good sandwich. It's a good sweet onion chiquitariaki sandwich. It's a good sandwich. Is it an amazing sandwich? Does it astonish you? Are you left in awe? I don't know.

No, no. The sandwich was amazing, but so was the feeling of confidence I had from knowing exactly what I was going to order beforehand. Usually I get flustered spending ages umming and eyeing over what to choose. Is this why people have go-to orders? I always assumed it was because people were unadventurous and didn't wanna try new things.

Do you have a go-to order at different places or do you like to try something new every time like me? Emillion new foods to try, Emily. Ah, as I have entered into middle age, definitely doing a lot more go-to orders. I'm like, I know what I like. I'm going to get what I like. And that is happening all over at almost all of the restaurants that I go to, even the ones that have big menus with lots of different dishes on them, not just sandwich places or fast food places.

I mean, I'm doing this with most of my life now, pants. We forget about the sandwiches. I really just want 18, well, that's too many. I really just want seven pairs of the same pants. Yeah, I could get away with three pairs of jeans that I really like. And this is, I could. I could. You could.

Okay, so now this is going to be unrelated. We're really diverging here, but it's a question I need to ask you. I'm depending on this. We need to go back to this though, because I have an important subway story, but yeah. Okay. Do you feel like it's okay to only care about your top half when it comes to style? And then to just like have the bottom half taken care of by like, I have socks, I have shoes, I have pants. No. And then like, I'm going to style the top half and then everything's going to go

with my jeans. No, you know what? That's a little bit like for me. That's a little bit like when you only style the front part of your hair because it's the part you see. That's totally what I do. But you don't do anything with like the back hair because whatever, that's other people's problem. I mean, I think I've been cutting my own hair for over a year now. And so like, I can't do the back. I mean, if it looks bad back there, if the answer is, is it okay? Yeah, of course, it's okay. It's fine. You do, you do what you want, especially when it comes to like personal style. But when I'm, when I'm dressing up, I like to imagine an outfit at every level. It just makes me more happy. Wow. But can we get back to subway? So I don't have enough shoes for that. Oh, I do. But yeah, hit me with your subway story. So Sarah worked at subway. And because Sarah

worked at subway, I always feel like when we go to subway, I just let Sarah order for me because she knows she knows the ins and outs of that menu. She knows what's good. She knows like what flavor combination she can have in the last 15 years. Very little has changed in the last 15 years. You still don't get to see food salad. You still, you know, like you're taking a little bit of a risk, I think, if you get the tuna. But more to the point, until I started dating Sarah, my go-to subway sandwich, and I know this is pretty horrifying, but it's true, was roast beef, cheese, and bread. Wow. And I'd been eating that since I was in like sixth grade, and bread. Wow.

And I'd been eating that since I was in like sixth grade, because I had a lot of food a versions when I was a kid, it'll surprise you to learn. And I like, I still like, sometimes I'll still get the roast beef, cheese, and bread sandwich, and they'll be like, what kind of cheese? And I'll be like, the one you had in 1988. Whichever one that one is.

I don't know. You guys are going down. You dare heat it up. It's white and it looks very sort of limp. Yeah. I'd like your, I'd like your limp cheese, please. That's the provolone. That's a good one. No, it's the American. Oh, you like the white American. Yeah, they don't have any orange cheese there. No orange cheese at Subway. My mind was a meatball sub for a long time, but then I realized that that was not doing the work of Subway, which was supposed to be the healthier alternative, which when you get a meatball sub with cheese on it,

it's not that. Oh, yeah. That's just a big hamburger. No foods are healthy foods. Food is food. Exactly. It's sustenance. It exists to be sustenance. Like this weird hierarchical ranking of food is a problem for me. Maybe not a problem for other people, but it's bad when I do it in my head. Anyway, it all reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by the Orlando Florida subways of 1991, the Orlando Florida subways of 1991, proudly serving roast beef, cheese, and bread. I was a, I was a, before subway, I was a Hammond mayonnaise boy. I would have Hammond mayonnaise.

I know. I remember. I still got it. It's so gross. And sometimes like our sandwiches would get swapped in lunch bags and I would end up with like a ham and mayonnaise sandwich and I would try to like, oh, it's so gross, so slimy. Oh, what's our next podcast, Monster Hank? I can't think about it anymore. This podcast is also brought to you by the monkey works. The monkey works. They're down there, making it work.

Do not throw a wrench into them. That was dangerous for them. I really thought that was the phrase, a wrench in the monkey works. I'm gonna Google it. I'm not totally convinced it's not the phrase. Rrench in the, oh man, there's wrench in the works, wrench in the gears, wrench in the plans,

wrench in the cog, wrench in the machine, wrench in the spokes, wrench in the system. What about wrench in the works, wrench in the gears, wrench in the plans, wrench in the cog, wrench in the machine, wrench in the spokes, wrench in the system. What about wrench in the monkey? Oh, wrench in the monkey works. Somebody has said wrench in the monkey works, throw a monkey, but if you Google it, it immediately corrects you. Correct. It's one of those things where like Google tries to correct you in a generous and kind

way so that you don't go over to Bing. Google's biggest fear is that you're going to become a hardcore Bing user because Google's going to hurt your feelings, which reminds me actually that today's podcast is also brought to you by Bing. Bing, it's going to happen. This podcast also is brought to you by almost everything. We don't know it. We don't. We just don't know it. We have a project for awesome message. John, it's from Will Langle who is from Alberta, Canada and who is writing to Future Me. Future Me. If you've graduated by the time they read this, I hope you are encouraging your students to love learning the same way that John and Hank have for you over the years.

If things are hard, remember that cheer awesome and your students are lucky to have you. Brothers Green, you have inspired me to teach, will you share some words of wisdom with a new teacher? Oh, that seems like, Will, Hank and I don't know how to teach. Yeah, we don't know. Your job is very hard. What I can say is it's deeply important and really wonderful and we're proud of you

and happy that you were doing this work in the world. Yeah, and really grateful if you feel like we could have a seat at the table in your life as you were pursuing that career because there are a lot of hard things about teaching but as a friend of mine, who's a teacher recently said to me, the nice thing about my job is that I never wake up in the morning wondering if it matters.

And it is really important. Like I look back on the teachers I had who were empathetic toward me and who were patient with me. And I know full well that I wouldn't be here without them. Lovely. Earlier in this episode, I was trying to remember the name

of the International Astronomical Union. Yes, I think you called it the International Astronomical Union, or something like that. Yeah. And when I was doing that, I typed into Google, who decides, because I was gonna write what a planet is, but who does decide?

Who decides in general? Yeah. But the first autocomplete was who decides when Easter is? Which my first thought was, but then I was a little bit like, well, and I didn't know the answer. It's a tough one. I figured that you would be the, of the two of us,

the one who would be better at answering that question. Well, I mean, there's more tough one. I figure that you would be the, of the two of us, the one who would be better at answering that question. Well, I mean, there's more than one answer. Are we asking who decided when the first Easter was? Because like, there's, I guess there's two ways of thinking about that. One way would be Pontius Pilate decided. The other way, the other way would be that God decided, right? God decided, right? God decided.

And then there would even maybe be a third way, which is that maybe the spring equinox played a role. Right. There was some significance to the... Yeah, and that there was maybe some moving around of early holidays. That said, Easter of the major Christian holidays is the one that is sort of time defined, fairly carefully in the Gospels. So I guess the answer is depending on your perspective,

either God or Pontius Pilate. Right, but instead of like picking a specific day, they went for something. Yeah, yeah, Sunday and it's around something. It's it's connected to Passover, the Jewish holiday of Passover. So it's it is complex. Well, I mean, yes, no, it's not that complex. Like we can figure out when Easter is going to be in 500 years. If that's what you're asking, like it's not that hard to figure out. Like they don't like every January 1st, they don't have a meeting of the international

astronomical union debate about what day Easter is gonna be. Now, interestingly, Easter is not celebrated on the same Sunday by all Christians. Like, Greek and other Orthodox Easter's are several weeks later than what I think of as, like, my Easter. I mean, I guess it's not really mine. So I guess, you know what I mean?

So I guess who decides when Easter is is kind of all of us together? Yeah, like so many things. Well, yes, or God or part. Yeah, there's a lot of answers. The real question is, there are so many great questions. Google auto fills from who decides.

It's hard to pick a favorite one. I know. But I was kind of upset by a couple of them. I think my favorite one is who decides war? Who does decide war? I found a few of those little bit upsetting, honestly. Yeah, I mean, this is one of those things where you realize that the algorithm has some biases.

Like, some of these questions, who decides questions, I don't even feel comfortable reading out loud. I find them offensive. Another really good who decides question is who decides on the punishment for treason? That's like the second one down. All of these are things that we decide to gather. Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

Though I, I don't know. And yeah, but we don't always have, we don't always have an equal voice in these conversations. That is, that is certainly for sure. John, this next question comes from Sarah who asks, dear Hank and John, when I was diagnosed with asthma eight years ago, my allergist asked how much ice sneeze, and I replied, not often, just a normal amount,

and she said, and I quote, it is not normal to sneeze, I never sneeze. Now I think about her every time I sneeze. No, I think about her, now I think about her every time I sneeze, Sarah. This is the craziest thing I have ever heard a medical doctor say. I am a doctor of medicine. What?

I spent 18 years studying for this. It is not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze. I mean, the phrase, it's not normal to sneeze is in and of itself a little uncomfortable for me, but following it up with almost like a qualitative statement. Like I have reached a level of enlightenment whereby I no longer need to sneeze. Everything about that quote, it's not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze. Is an astonishment. Like, what do you think that doctor thinks when sneezing, right? Like,

because we all know they sneeze. So in that moment, do you think they think like, so that I can only think there's two possibilities. One is that they think like, oh God, I feel a moral failure coming on. And then the other possibility is that maybe when they sneeze, they think like, that wasn't a sneeze. That wasn't a real sneeze. I've seen other people sneeze and I'm not doing that. That wasn't, no, that wasn't like an asthma sneeze. That was, yeah, yeah, I was, I, I never sneeze.

Look, we've been, what has been running, we've been running an advice podcast for, I don't know how many years now. And I think if there was a person who never sneezed, we would have gotten that question. They would have heard the podcast have been like, I need to add, I'm a little weirded out by this. I see other people doing it.

I know it's a normal thing, but I never sneeze. They would have asked, that's what we're here for. That exact circumstance. I will say, so 95% of purportedly normal persons, I don't know how this is defined by the Journal of Rhinology, but 95% of purportedly normal persons sneeze less than four times a day on average. But you'll notice that sneezing less than four times a day is not an example of never sneeze.

It's hundreds or thousands of sneezes a year. I never sneeze. Like, if I heard someone say to me, I never sneeze, I would be like, are you an alien who is inhabiting a human suit and who just like just revealed themselves to me? Or alternately, like, do you have some kind of like force shield that surrounds you that when you sneeze makes you immediately think like, nope, not that didn't happen. My allergist. My allergist said to me, nope, not that didn't happen. My allergist. My allergist said to me, it's not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze.

I never sneeze. This person is a criminal. I never sneeze. I never sneeze. Like why didn't they need to be investigated? You know, they have that podcast, Dr. Death, where it's like, man, this was a really bad doctor. This doctor like lied to thousands of people

and told them that they had cancer when they really didn't. This doctor was a monster. Here's a 12 episode podcast series about this monster's doctor. I want a 12 episode podcast about the allergist who tells people I never sneeze about Dr. Mcnever sneeze the greatest criminal doctor of our times. It's not normal.

Oh my god. I'm so glad that I've been primed now that this is a possibility so that if this ever happens to me, I can instead of just being dumbfounded and questioning my own sanity, I can stand up and walk out of the room. I believe I'm going to have to consult with another allergist, specifically a human one. Why has they called them in the business a sneezer. That may be the actual like definition. I don't I don't want to exclude anyone from humanness, you know. Yeah, but it's really hard to define what a human is and I think it might just be a person who sneezes. Maybe there are need to talk to a sneezer about this. Yeah feel like ultimately don't you want a doctor who can on some level empathize with you rather than being like, unfortunately, I literally can't know what that's like

because I don't own sneeze. Never have. Don't know what it's like. Can't feel it. It's not normal. All I know about sneezing is that it is not normal. You do not want to be a sneezer. You need to go back to yourologist and you need to say,

all right, Dr. Neversneezer Scrooge. And then, and then be like, I didn't plan it past that. That's all I had. The great thing about this is that you look, look, look, I thought of Neversneezer Scrooge and I'm done. The relationship is over. This doctor is extremely successful in one way, right? Which is that every single person who's ever heard the sentences, sneezing is not normal. I've never

sneezed. Every single person who's heard that, when every time I sneeze for the rest of my life, I'm going to think of that doctor. And also my own personal failing that I have not correctly addressed my medical issue of being a sneezer. My humors are all out of whack and as a result, I've become a sneezer again. I also, is it okay if I start to think of myself

as a person who used to be a sneezer, but is no longer a sneezer until my next sneeze. You know, right now, I used to be a sneezer. And it was a real problem. I sneezed. I mean, up to four times a day sometimes. But now, finally, at last, I have achieved Nirvana and I am no longer a sneezer. And then the next time I sneeze, I'll be like, damn.

Now I'm only a sneezer during the moments I'm sneezing in the spaces between I never sneeze. Right, like the sentence, I never sneeze was, more, it wasn't literal. It was more of like, I'm not the kind, I'm not the sneezing type. It's not occasionally we all slip up, you know, but I'm not, not the,

is it too much? Next time I like him in a room with somebody who sneezes, I'm gonna be like, you know, it's not normal to sneeze. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm not sneezing.

I'm not sneezing. You know, only like, only like 5% of people sneeze. They're just really loud about it. Oh God. How do you look at a doctor in the eyes when they say the words to you, I never sneeze and not just burst out laughing. I mean, what? I never, I mean, I rarely sneeze. Or like, I'm concerned that your sneezing may not be normal or that your sneezing may be a sign of an underlying condition. Yes. But like, why are you getting involved at all? Like, I'm the patient here.

Like, I don't need to know your sneezing history. Like, you're a weird broken face nerves. If you want to come to me as an allergist, I will be happy to analyze your purported never sneezing. Okay, so here's my first. Have you ever wanted to refer your doctor to another doctor? You're talking to your doctor and you're like, actually, can I write you a referral to a neurologist?

Yeah, I know you're in a room full of allergists. I wonder if you could talk to one of them about the fact that you've apparently never sneezed. I, not normal, sneezed. My initial impulse when somebody tells me they've never sneezed is of course to try to make them sneeze And so I would what here's what I would ought. Here's my honest advice

Mm-hmm. I would request a follow-up appointment and I would say listen I know it's been six years since I saw you. Yeah, but I can't stop thinking about this I have a memory of you saying sneezing is never normal. I have never sneezed. Tell me. Did you say that? Did you say that? And if you didn't say that, I can walk out of here a happy person and you can get your fee for our 20-minute visit. Yeah. And it's only going to cost you five seconds. But if you did, if you did, if you did, say it. I I require this entire 20 minutes and I have brought pepper. We're not going to go outside and we're going to look at the sky.

That's what does it for Hank? I have 20 minutes to make you sneeze. And I'm going to do everything under my power to do it. No. What you need to do is is follow them around Anytime they are in public and then they finally sneeze you go I got you yeah, you jump out of the bushes like a private investigator and you're like Seven years ago you told me that you never sneeze and I've been following you ever said you just sneezed.

I will take my apology and written form. Thank you. My God. Okay, John. I think it's time for the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. What do you got for me? I mean, I know, I know roughly what we got, but what do we got? I mean, the main news from AFC Wimbledon is that there's apparently a licensed physician who says that they've

never sneezed. AFC Wimbledon played their second game since 2016 that meant nothing. And boy, did I enjoy every second of that thrilling nail, nail draw against Lincoln City. Oh, it was great. It was just lovely. At no point did we look likely to score and indeed at no point did they look likely to score and I didn't care. Everybody was like, let's just let's just not hurt ourselves boys. A.C. Wolden have officially ended the season in 19th place. One whole spot above the final

non-relegation, which went to Wig and Athletic. The relegated teams this season were Rochtdale, Northampton, Swindon Town, and Bristol Rovers. It's always sad. I feel really bad, especially for Rochtdale fans, because they were so close to staying up. Just didn't happen for them. And Wimbledon survive another season in League 1. And I got to say I'm really enthusiastic about the future. I thought I really feel like the team is coming together. And if you look at like our last two months,

how many points per game we were getting, forget about finishing 19th. Like we were near the playoffs. Yeah. So that's not to say that I expect it to like and and that will totally be the case next year when you have a completely different team. Yeah, I mean, this is the beginning of the season where players are like I have enjoyed my loan spell at AFC Wimbledon and will now be returning to my parent club to have a wonderful career in the premier week. And that happens every year and we're used to it. I think

the club is in a better financial position than a lot of clubs at this level of English football just because a lot of clubs have taken on more debt. But everybody's in a tight spot. It's, you know, this is not the easiest economy in which to figure out a football budget because they don't know how many people are gonna be in the stands. Yeah. So it begins another interesting

and challenging offseason for Wimbledon, but let's take a second to just express our gratitude to everybody on that AFC Wimbledon, but let's take a second to just express our gratitude to everybody on that AFC Wimbledon team who fought and scrapped and scraped for these 51 points to ensure that we have another season in the third tier of English football. I just, I'm so grateful to all of them starting with the coach Mark Robinson. My favorite player, 19-year-old Ayuba Saul, who's just pure courage, pure hard work. I love to watch him play. So grateful to Joe Piggit for another season, banging in 20 goals. We needed those goals. And if Joe Piggit leaves, I do not know where they are going to come from. But I didn't know where they were going to come from when Lyle Taylor left.

So hopefully we'll find a way. But yeah, it's, I cannot believe that we have somehow found a way to survive again. How do we do it year after year after year? And please next year, can we not do it? Can we just stay up like with five weeks to go or something? Or speed of solidly in that just be up there in the tippy tops. Why not? Yeah, just like finish like 10th like Ipswich town.

Yeah, good old Ipswich town. And the news from Mars, you can now listen to a helicopter on Mars if you want to by googling listen to helicopter on Mars, if you want to, by Googling, listen to helicopter on Mars, probably. That will probably work. So Perseverance was able to record the audio of ingenuity, has two microphones on the mastcam, and it can combine video with audio, which you can watch, which is very cool. The rover was 262 meters away, or feet, sorry, feet away from the helicopter when it took off. And that distance combined with the atmosphere being very thin and the wind, that would also be blowing on the microphone, what made it like not entirely clear that they would

be able to actually hear this, but you can. You can hear it. They did a little bit of work to bring out the frequencies of the helicopter audio, but that's very cool. And you can hear it sort of fly away. And then because it's moving around. And that's super cool and weird. And you can go watch it on Ness' website. It sounds really good. Like the quality of the audio is pretty darn good considering it's coming from Mars. Yeah, yeah, and also that like, you know, those, there's always wind. And so it's like, wait, and there's one percent of the number of air molecules that we have on Earth to carry the sound through it, which also is gonna make things much quieter.

I know. That's what I keep thinking about when I watch these videos from the surface of Mars, now that they're in such high resolution, I just keep thinking about when I watch these videos from the surface of Mars, not that they're in such high resolution. I just keep thinking, like, holy, I mean, I know that the rover doesn't have feelings. Like, I understand that intellectually, but there's still part of me that's like, holy moly, that would be lonely. Like, it's real quiet.

There's, you know, the main sound is the sound of wind, and it makes me conscious of like how many sounds I hear all the time other than wind, and like the sudden loss of all the sounds to be replaced only by this sort of the single Mars sound would be very surreal. Yeah. But kind of beautiful. I like to imagine, I don't know, it's just really cool that we can know what it would sound like. I mean, of course we can't know exactly what it sound like, but it's very cool to think that we sort of know what it would sound like to stand there.

Mm-hmm. It just makes it more real to me for some reason. Yeah, me too. Just like, yeah. You know, we've had pictures from Mars for a long time. We've had even really high resolution or even three dimensional pictures from Mars, but like, I don't know, adding sound to the mix, which like, there is some scientific value to the sound, like you could maybe learn some things about the atmosphere.

You could maybe learn some things about the spacecraft itself. But mostly, this is really just about like having a more immersive like wow This is a car on Mars and I'll drone helicopter to and that's right pretty cool Yeah, John thing you were making a podcast with me and thinking to everybody who sent in your questions because it wouldn't be much of a Podcast without them you can send those to I don't even, hankinjohnageamel.com. I haven't said that in so long, I forgot it almost. Yeah, but do email us. It said hankinjohnageamel.com.

We love your emails. We do. We're off to record our Patreon only podcast this weekend stuff, which where we talk about things that are bringing this joy right now, you can find that at patreon.com slash dear hankinjohn. This podcast is edited by Joseph Tune of Mettish. It's produced by Rosie on a Halsey Rojas and shared in Gibson. Our communication coordinator is Julia Bloom, our editorial assistant

is Deboki Trucker Vardy, the music you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great gunorola. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. you you