Dear Hank & John - 312: Chonkadees

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

What luggage should I buy? How do I set reminders without a phone? How do I arrange to be fossilized after my death? How do I do things alone? How do we know the universe is expanding? How do I turn down monetary offers for pets? Hank and John Green have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. George, I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank live and in person. It's a podcast for two brothers and your questions. Give you a degree of advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and ASC Wimbledon John. Yeah. How do you... ...are...

My father and I had a great dad joke? Well, yeah. He had a really good dad joke at Thanksgiving dinner, and I was thinking maybe you could just use that one. Which one was that? He said, if you've heard this one before, please hesitate to stop me. Which I found, one, clearly something he says a lot, which makes it sort of a meta joke,

because if you've heard this particular that joke, still, and then also, I found it very confusing. And it was unable to listen to the first part of the story because I was thinking about what the heck that meant. That's what I love about it. I love it because it's the truth of what people are really thinking when they say, if you've heard this one before, stop me, which is, I really want to tell this one.

Yeah. And my desire. Well, also, who's going to stop them? No one's going to stop them? Yeah. So listen, if we sound a little weird, other than the fact that I have a frog in my throat, and I don't mean that metaphorically,

I want you all to envision that. So listen, if we sound a little weird, it's because Hank and I are in the only space that we could find where we could be alone. And it's a pretty echoey little... We thought about doing it outside, but it's cold. Yeah, I mean, I guess I would describe where we currently are as a large shed. Its original purpose was as a potting shed for like plants.

So I would describe our current location as a shed with a window. Yeah, it's got a window and it's got all hard walls and floors. It is the opposite of what you want when you're recording. They tell you to record in a really small space, like a closet that's full of textiles soft. We are in a very small space. In that sense, we have succeeded, but there is just too big enough. Nari, a textile to. No, yeah, we'd have to build a little tent around ourselves. This is how they do record radio app. So, yeah, this is, it sounds familiar. We're bringing you that kind of high-quality radio lab vibe

that you've come to expect from Dear Hanger. A lot of people would have to work really hard in their audio software to create the very reverb you're experiencing right now. Exactly. When- And room tones. When people are like trying to convey the vibe

of a mid-2000s really low quality podcast, they have to work so hard in pro tools to do what we're just doing naturally. Yeah, look at us. We are ahead of the curtains. Thanksgiving has been lovely, John. Thank you for hosting us in Indianapolis. Yeah, it's been great.

And I love to watch mostly. It's just seeing the cousins, because of us. What? So great. What was, we had a lovely Thanksgiving. There was absolutely no drama at the Thanksgiving dinner table conversation was easy and fun But I always think about Thanksgiving's past Where it hasn't always been the case. Do you have any memories of childhood stressful Thanksgiving? Oh probably, but I don't connect them to the holiday though. Oh, I I have like Thanksgiving dinner

to the holiday though. Oh, I had like Thanksgiving dinner stress memories because when we were kids, we'd always have to go around the room and say what we were thankful for. And I feel like Dad's dad, our grandpa, would always like say that he was thankful for something that was a little bit, that he wasn't thankful for. You know?

I was like the passive-aggressive version of gratitude, where he would be like, well, I'm thankful for my health, what I have of it. Yeah. And I'm thankful for this son, and I won't mention the other one. Yeah, that kind of vibe. Yeah. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings,

you might be listening. Well, he is not. You don I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. You might be listening He's not You don't know that Hank One of my big fears is that they have podcasts in the afterlife But it's only the podcasts we're making, you know, right? Like wouldn't that be terrible you get to heaven and like everything's good except for the only media that's available is dear Hank and John's Yeah, they do it that way intentionally so that you don't, so that you don't like spend all your time consuming content. They got like five episodes of Dio Hank and John.

They got the worst Anthropocene review and then the rest of it's just the entire library of Dear Hank and John. That's all you got. Yeah. And you're just like, oh God, I missed the Macklroy's. We just had a nice few minutes of using croquet mallets to destroy ice. Yeah, destroy the upper surface of a pond. That was, I mean, I felt like the kids could have done that

for hours if we left. Yeah, they made a loss in fingers. I was very cold. And Orren looked like he was gonna go in at any moment. Yeah, he made a loss in fingers. I was very cold. And Orren looked like he was going to go in at any moment. Yeah, he does not have the edge of pond balance that one really needs to be smashing ice with a croquet mallet. And then lean it over to grab the thesis out of that. And I'm like, wow.

Catherine, would that be really mad at me when I'm Russian? With this boy, with his blue legs? Henry was really funny about it because Henry was like, you know, I was about that age when I fell into this pond while hitting ice with a croquet mallet and let me tell you, it was cold. I was like, I was always in like the mental scenario planning, like, if he fell in, now what would I do? If he fell in, now what would I do yeah if you fell in now what I mean to be clear The pond is a foot deep yeah, and yeah, it was gonna be fine. We're close enough to We were close enough to

Warm warm. Yeah, it would have been fine. It would have been it would have been a father failing Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't want to be in that situation. No, but at the same time, you do want to destroy ice with a croquet of amateurs. And that is the great dilemma of being a dad. Uh-huh. All right, Hank, let's answer some questions from our listeners. Beginning with this one from Justin who writes, Dear John and Hank, I have been stuck inside of a Marshalls for 40 minutes. Oh, you've come to the right place.

Yeah. If you want to talk to somebody who knows it, it's like to be stuck inside of a box store for a long time. Yeah. Hank Green is the expert. I have that expert teeth. I also have seen that one movie where the guy gets stuck in target for a night, and he falls in love.

Oh, sure. With Natalie Portman, or is that a separate movie about a person who gets stuck inside of a box store? That's all I remember about the plot. I don't remember any of the characters. I feel like it's a problematic movie but I can't remember why, you know, it's that kind of thing. Uh, Google Auto filled it for me. No, no, no, this one is just stuck in target movie. I remember vividly that it's a target. This is very, this is weird, this is such a common theme in media. It's called Where the Heart Is. No, no, no. That's not what I'm thinking about.

This is what is called career opportunity. I think they got different vibes. It was written by John Hughes. Oh, wow. And it was, it had Jennifer, what's your face in it? Connolly, from a beautiful mind. Beautiful. And that's what you face in it? Connolly from a beautiful mind. And- That's what you think of for Jennifer Connolly.

Wasn't that, didn't she win an Oscar for that film? I don't know. I believe she did. So that's why I think of her because she won an Oscar. I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking to see if she won an Oscar, awards and nominations. Most known for Labyrinth. That's what I was thinking up. Yeah, um, she's not in this movie, John Literally she is in the movie career opportunities. Well, it's not in her top nine

Well, of course, it's not if the movie is called career opportunities on the only person I'm talking about the other movie the movie that she thinks an Oscar for. A beautiful one that she did win an Oscar for. Oh, you're right. That's her fourth. Yeah, she won a Oscar, okay? Anyway, she's also in snowpiercer. None of this is relevant to the career opportunities discussion I'm hoping to have. Okay.

All right, here's the movie, Hank, as I remember it. I'm gonna try to pitch it to you, having remembered now the fact that they're in a target and what the title is, but nothing else. All right. So there's this guy. And I think he's working in target and he's the night cleanup boy. And then this girl is stuck inside of target.

She ends up there somehow. They close the store without her noticing. And she's spoiled and crappy. And then they find out that deep down they're kind of the same person. Why do they just let her out? Um, and then I think they run away to California because she has like a hundred thousand dollars on her. Oh. Yeah. And then I don't remember how it ends, but it ends, they end up happily ever after. And there's some corruption involved.

Maybe her dad is the mayor and he's a bad, I don't remember. Um, the, where the heart is, Natalie Portman, uh, isn't stuck in the Walmart. She just figures out how to live in the Walmart. Oh, okay. After being abandoned by her, uh, boyfriend when she's 17 years old in pregnant in Oklahoma. Oh, wow. Secretly, it was into the store. Eventually, this attracts media attention with the help of her friends.

She makes her new life for herself in the town Everybody is sort of is like, you know, we actually think you're pretty great Natalie Portman. Wow So is it good? I don't I mean look I am so unacostomed to media these days This is what I learned during Thanksgiving. Yeah, Anything gets me. I haven't watched a full movie in four or five years. So just reading that synopsis made me like start to choke up. I want the commercials during the Macy's Day parade.

I cried four times. Yes. Okay. Some more facts about career opportunities. Hey, real quick. It's 83 minutes long. This movie is apparently not as good as I remember. John Hughes, who wrote the film, called it a huge disappointment

and part of the reason that he kind of like left Hollywood and abandoned it all to go to a reforestation project in his native Illinois and said suddenly I'm a commodity if homelone hadn't come out my name wouldn't be on career opportunities four times so it was sort of the thing that caused him to Salinger and the director himself the director himself did not seem to like the movie very much. The only person who really is a huge fan of it is a 11-year-old me. Right.

All right. So there we go. That is not the answer to the question. That was only the first, it wasn't even a full independent clause into the question. I've never seen this before. Okay. The Wikipedia page for where the heart is. Yeah.

Includes a section called differences between novel and film. Oh wow. I wish that. Man, comprehensive. How I wish that section were in every Wikipedia article about a novel. Really? Adapting into a film. Well, I find that I am often blamed for things

where I'm like, people would be like, I hate John Green books like this one thing that happened and I'm like, that didn't happen in a John Green book. That happened in a movie I didn't write. You'll survive. I will. That's a great point Hank, thank you.

I'm grateful for my health, what I have of it. In the novel, Mary Elizabeth Hull dies in a fire at the library in the film, she succumbs to the complications of her alcoholism. It's a pretty big difference. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought that this was a lighthearted film about a girl who gets stuck in a Walmart. I think that's her, that's her like mom that she, I don't know. All right, let's move on, Hank.

Can we... Stuck in a Marshalls. Justin is stuck in a Marshalls. Stuck in a Marshalls with you. And one of our big ambitions for Justin is that he not die either in a fire or from complications of alcoholism related to being stuck in a marshals.

I have been paralyzed by the selection of luggage. That is the question. Wait. I need to be misunderstood the way in which you are stuck in a marshals. I need advice. Hard or soft side luggage. Am I even at the right time? I thought you were actually stuck in a Marshalls.

You're not actually stuck in a Marshalls. You're just confused by luggage. Should it be expensive, cheap, or somewhere in the middle, please help? The staff is starting to look at me like I'm being irrational. Pumpkins and penguins, Justin. This is not your fault, Justin. This is society's fault. It is.

We are all being irrational because we're being posed with too many choices. Especially around luggage. I, here's the thing Justin, and I find this with jeans, I find it with a lot of things. Either you get something that is really good that you know is gonna be good, or you get something that's cheap that might be just as good as the good thing. So let me give you an example in terms of luggage. One time, I flew to New Orleans and I thought that my luggage was flying with me, but it turned out that my luggage was flying to a place that I was never going to find it again.

And as a result, the nice folks at Delta, hashtag not spawn, but want spawn. That's the full hashtag. The nice folks at Delta were like, we're really sorry we lost your luggage. Here's a large check. Oh wow. For all the stuff that was inside of us.

Like this is not gonna be found. This went into the engine of the plane. Exactly. We are pretty sure that your suitcase was dropped from an airplane at 35,000 feet. It is now owned by a farmer. It's content. It's content starts spread across the ocean.

We apologize. Here's $1,100. And so I went to Target to buy a new suitcase so that I could fly home from New Orleans. And I was like, they're not gonna give me this time. I'm gonna get a very inexpensive suitcase. So I got a suitcase. For some reason it's Jeep branded like the car. It's a Jeep. It's a Jeep. It's a Jeep. It's a grand Cherokee, but it's a suitcase. Okay. And I was like, man, I don't have a special loyalty to the Jeep. What the thing is, it's not a Jeep.

It is a Jeep. It's a Jeep. It's a Jeep. I got a Jeep and it was only $39. I mean, if you want to talk about a good Jeep. That's a Jeep Jeep. Yeah. It's a pretty cheap Jeep.

It's a pretty cheap Jeep. So I got this Jeep Jeep and I was like, this is just to get me home from New Orleans and I no longer even believe that my luggage will come with me. So I'm packing up this $39 suitcase thinking, this is probably going to be in the ocean pretty soon. And that was, I know the date, it was January 30, 2012. That was the day I bought it because it was right at the end of the fall in our starter store.

And I packed up that jeep suitcase. It did make it back to Indianapolis. And it is by far my favorite suitcase all these years later. That jeep jeep suitcase. I was just looking at this suitcase. I opened it up. There was a bunch of peeps in it and I was like, wow, that's a neat jeep jeep peeps. Ooh, that was very challenging.

I was hoping to cut out the part where I said it wrong. Maybe I may do to cut out all the parts where he said it wrong, but eventually got to neat Jeep Jeep peeps. Which is really good. Thanks. It was worth the wait. John, here I also, so I have my luggage stolen once, and I, and I now own a bunch of things that I got at Target because I had, I had to get luggage.

And, uh, and every time I look at them, I think about how much that sucked. And I just, oh, so it kind of got a negative vibe for you. So that's one way I've gotten luggage. Here's another one. First, you start a 2007, you become a YouTuber. Yeah, that's actually how I got my other piece of luggage. And then eventually, like, YouTube starts sending you luggage. Yeah. Why does YouTube send me luggage? So YouTube sent me a piece of luggage. It's a nice, hard back bag. I actually like it less than I like my cheap jeep, but I do like it.

It's nice. I will use the cheap jeep nine times out of 10, but one time out of 10, I'll use the YouTube one. The problem with the YouTube one is that they emblazoned my name on the top of a tree. And so Sarah used a piece of black electrical tape to cover my name so that it's not quite so humiliating. And I like it but I wouldn't I wouldn't use it for the longest time like I have a YouTube logo and it says hang green and I use it all the time. Oh I

like the black electrical tape. That's how you know it's good look that's how you know it's yours. I know it's mine because it says hang green. Yeah but I don't want I don't I do not want that. So the short answer Justin is that we don't know. Yeah I'm not an expert on a luggage. I'm an expert at being stuck inside of a box store. I, well, you came to the wrong podcast, all right. All right. All right, John, this next question comes from Brendan

who asks, dear Hank and John, in my 20 years of life, I have found that I am easily distracted by things. And as such, I will often forget to do other things. I have found that setting reminders on my phone can be helpful but then I am looking at my phone which jumps me to do more distracting time wasting things. How do I remind myself to do the things that I need to do without using my phone? Brain cells and brevity branded. Well, I'm sorry I was on my phone. I gotta tell you the truth. What was the question? He wasn't. I'm here with him and I know that that was a lie.

Man, you gotta hank. You gotta let me have some movie magic now and again, okay? Let me hear any other recording of the podcast. Man, I am an actor and when you try to limit my performance by trying to make me hue to what actually happened, it harms my ability to be an artist. All right. Yes, and yes, then I farted. No, that's a bad example of yes, and you have You have even, it's not like you to limit my genius. And I'm hurt. I feel like I should tell you the truth,

which is that you've hurt my feelings by... By calling out your lies. Yes, yeah. Isn't that always the truth though, when people lie, like they try to turn toward something where it's like, man, why did you hurt me by calling attention to the fact that I just lied? Have I ever told you the weirdest moment like that I ever had in my life?

No. Where I was sitting on my porch, my back porch, which is like how to share a courtyard with my backdoor neighbor. We were all renters. And my landlord was over like doing the lawn. And he said to my backdoor neighbor, did you rip out all the flowers in the back? And he was like the weeds? And my landlord was like, now there's a bunch of flowers. And he was like, there was some weeds back there. I pulled up. And the guy was like, there were flowers that were planted from the wild flowers that were thrown at my wedding. Wild flowers, seeds that were thrown at my wedding. And then the guy pulled up the flower and said,

well, now you're making me feel bad. And I was like, I'm gonna go inside. Why are you making me feel bad? But there's some, I understand. Yeah, there's legitimacy to it. He is making you feel bad. Yeah.

And also, at that point, I would have I would not have said that. No. It's like one, that's not like you don't live there anymore, buddy. That used to be your house, but you just not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, your house anymore. Yeah. Well, I would say like, I'm how, if I had thrown the wildflower seeds from my wedding, yeah, I would have said,

oh, that's a real bummer. Those seeds are from my, I don't, I might have said anything. I might have, I might have, because I might like when you're in that space of anger and resentment, it's hard not to express it. Yeah, yes. But I also might have been like, well, now you're making me feel bad

about pulling up those weeds. Yeah. And like we had a different definition of what a flower is. And that's a big, that's a big, deep thing. Like what is a weed? Yeah. It's a category. And like every other category, it's the theme of Dear Hank and John. There is not a one-to-one relationship between categories and language and reality.

Yes, some people think something's a weed, some people think it's not a weed. That's so true. And it's true, not just of plants. This guy, this guy, I did disagree with him on almost everything. So I was, I was, I was want to side with my landlord because he had said several really objectionable things to me in the past.

I'm gonna give John an example, we're gonna cut it out. F***ing. Yeah, the story Hank just told me made me somewhat less sympathetic to the neighbor and more sympathetic to the landlord. I have my loyalty has shifted. But look, that was a separate incident. Yeah, but my loyalty has shifted. So Hank, I'm gonna pull us back to the question, but I'm going to point out that the tangent we just went on is a great example of how easy it is to get...

It's so easy to get distracted. It's so easy to get distracted and to move away from the question in hand, which is, how do I not get distracted? Do you see that squirrel? There's a bird there too. Oh, yeah, that's a little... You know what that is? That's... You know what that bird is called? That's not a catch. No, it's called it. That's a chickadee. That wasn't a chickadee. That was a bird there too. Oh yeah, that's a little, you know what that is? That's, you know what that bird is called? That's not a catch.

No, it's called it. That's a chickadee. That wasn't a chickadee? That was a chickadee. 100%. Yes and you're wrong being wrong about a bird. A chickadee, chickadee, chickadee, chickadee. I heard you saying it, but that wasn't a chickadee.

It was. It was not. It was like, at least twice as big as a chickadee. Well, and it did not have a chickadee cap. Maybe you've got a little... It had a crest when they're a chickadee. Well, and it did not have a chickadee cap. Maybe you've got your little... It had a crest when they're chickadees don't have? Maybe you've got your weird little miniature chickadees in Montana that you think are the only chickadees on earth.

You've got a big boy's here. I'll tell you for a fact, that's just a big, big old chickadee. They call it a bigadee. Yeah. Bigadee. Bigadee, bigadee, big. He's a joker. How do you not get distracted?

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Um, the, I mean, do you know how I do it? How do you do it? I say to myself, if I don't do this right now, it will not get done. And then I make that decision. Yeah.

And sometimes I make the decision, this will not get done. Right. And it will happen at a later time when I am Reintroduced to it probably by someone who I'm letting down Yeah, I mean my basic strategy is to try to do what's in front of me. Yeah But it's really hard yeah, because what's in front of you can change very rapidly. Yes It's really hard, because what's in front of you can change very rapidly. Yes, but...

That's why if you open your phone. I feel like, well, my way of dealing with that is to really try to minimize the number of pickups associated with my phone. But I am sympathetic to the listener's question in the sense that if you need to look at your phone to figure out what time this appointment is, then you're on your phone. And once you've picked it up, it's hard to put it down. I can't, I cannot do one thing. And I can't, like I almost never pick up my phone to do something and do it.

Right. Because before I get to the thing, or I'll do it, but then I'll be like, Well, while I'm here, I wonder if it's my turn in scramble. Yeah, I don't know if you have the voice person that you can talk to. Siri? Yeah. Well, the question asker. Oh, I don't know if they do. Yeah. And it might not be Siri. It might be Mr. Robato, the Android mascot. Oh, that's pretty cool. I made that up. Oh, okay. I, that's pretty cool. I made that up. Oh, okay.

I was just gas-ending. But in that case, I can often make a reminder, because you don't actually have to open your phone. Right. And it's the button. And then I want to remind me to take my medicine in two hours. Yeah. It's so hard, though.

Like, the other thing I try to do is to... If I don't unlock it and like- So if I don't have my phone right now, what's gonna come up? A text message chain, which is nice, but often times it's Twitter and which face I'm gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have Twitter on my phone, thankfully.

I love Twitter. He's literally doing it. Like, he was like- I just wanted to see if I got it as people have been talking about. John, oh God. Okay, stop, stop, seriously. it's, it's, it's almost people are showing mushrooms. Oh my God. You know what? It's like Hank. I'll be honest with you. It's a little bit like watching

somebody. No, don't say it. It's uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable to see you say, but if I open Twitter, it's all over. And then it was all over. Like, you checked out. I could, like, the energy in the room change. I see. To a Twitter energy. It was, that was a weird thing to witness. I feel like, it's how it works, man. I, that's...

Look, I entered the metaverse. That was surfing the web. That was the most freaked out I've been about technology in a couple of years, and I've like, just, I read the age of surveillance, definitely something like, I've, that looks me surfing. Ooh, so my neurons go, it's a different set of neurons.

It's just involves. I saw your energy change, and then when I saw your energy change, I felt the urge to pick up my phone. Now we're talking about it, which is weird. I reached for my phone. Yeah, you did. Oh God.

Look, it all gets much easier to deal with when you let go of the idea that we are in control. Like, I am in control sometimes. I don't know that it gets easier to deal with, because I don't respectfully. I don't know that you're doing a better job of dealing with it than I am. I don't mean doing better to be an internet person.

Being less stressed out about it. Oh, okay. How I learned to stop worrying. And love the bomb. I want to worry about it. I think I don't want to just give in. I think that's the improper response to be like, well, what are you going to do?

Time to. Jack Dorsey is in control of my life. Time to seed my consciousness to the internet. I would like to try to stay concerned. I feel like that's the last great hope I have. Do you see all the dead lady bugs on the ground by the way? Yeah, there's a bunch of them. Yeah, so do you see the little vacuum cleaner in the corner?

If you want to see more dead lady bugs. The only reason I have that little dust buster is to pick up dead lady bugs before, you know, I often write in this little shed tiny cold shed and And sometimes I'll just be writing and I'll be like I cannot stay on the dead ladybugs anymore And then I'll clean them up, but man for some reason this is the the central Indiana capital of Ladybugs. Particularly dead ones.

No, no, no, I see live ones all the time. That's how they die, Hank. First, they live. In fact, isn't that the definition of... Yeah, this is how to die. Isn't that the definition of something that is dead? It doesn't happen to have one's lived. You often call Mars a cold dead rock, so if that's the case, great news.

It did, it was once alive. I'm convinced of that. Yeah. But is the moon a cold dead rock? Ever since humans landed there? We brought life. Put some bacteria on that boy. How about we drop a couple bacteria on that thing? Oh man, there's bags poop up there.

There's bags of poop up there. There's bags of poop up there. Oh, then we're good, yeah, it's a cold dead rock. Or do you think they leave the poop? It used to just be a cold rock, but now it's a cold dead rock. This is the moon, cold. Oh, it's havesies. It's sometimes real hot, sometimes real cold.

Yeah, yeah. I've had relationships like that. Oh, you know, the fact that we laugh at our own joke so much, it's really how a comedy works best. Yes, that's... our own joke so much. It's really how a comedy works best. Yes, that's... You always see the pro stand-up comics doing that. It's like fungal in the app. I really think that one was a good one. I don't know if you thought I was funny, but I did.

Yeah, it's only the great stand-up comics have to use their own laughter to remind the audience that it was a joke. Okay. Someone's laughing. This next question, we have no idea how to not get distracted. This next question comes from... This is the theme of today's episode. It's harder. We don't know. It's harder. We don't know. Patrick writes, hey, John and Hank, if I want my remains after I die and to be preserved and eventually fossilized, where would be the best place to put them?

Ideally not dead yet, all the best, Patrick. Paul Baud. Really? Yeah, places like that dry, cold places. What about boggy places, like a nice bog? You could get into a peat bog, then that definitely works. Yeah. But like, you gotta get in the right part of that,

like the deoxygenated part of the peepbox. Sure. So you could get injected down in there. You need some kind of, Yeah. Be great if there was like one of those things they have in the bank. That goes, oh yeah.

It sucks up the, you're like deposit slip. But like for dead bodies and just like, shoot some into peepbox. Yeah. And then would the idea be to be fossilized so that later people could look at you and learn about humans of the 21st century or would the idea be to be fossilized so that you become oil? Because that's my dream. You want to be oil? I would like one day to provide 32 miles of travel to one minivan.

I don't know if I could get that much out of you. You got to have a dream, Hank. I'm not curious. I'm not. Yeah, because we would have to wait like several million years, right? It would be a while. Yeah. Well, yes. We're using like dinosaur trees now.

I'm just wondering how many calories are in a gallon of gas? Hmm, great question. And I'm sure one that Google knows the answer too. So there are about 30,000 calories in a gallon of gasoline. Okay, so. And I think you probably got 30,000 calories in you. I'd like to think I do. After that Thanksgiving dinner.

How many calories in a person? That's what I mean. Things you're doing that on my Wi-Fi network. Great. FBI's going to love that. Yeah, you have like four gallons of gas in you. Great. All right. You could get that many of Anna, 100 miles or so. Awesome.

Great. What was the question? I remember. Well, that's a fascinating stat. Alright, Hank, this question comes from Grace. You're right, Steer John and Hank, I'm almost a question. It doesn't matter. I'm almost 18 and I'm coming into young adulthood and I'm finding that growing up means spending more and more time alone.

I have my license now, so I tend to get around on my own rather than with my mom and dad. And I find it quite lonely. How can I get used to doing things on my own that I used to do with company, DFTBA Grace? Grace, at first it's hard, but like so many other things. Eventually you learn to really, really love it. Like I'll give you an example. When I used to feel really anxious when I would go out to dinner by myself, you know, I

would be like, what are people thinking? Yeah. But then I would bring a book and I would be like, oh my god, I can't believe I got this great meal prepared for me and I didn't have to talk to anybody. I did that the other day. I went out to lunch by myself so I like a place with a waiter. Oh wow. For the first time in my life. Yeah, and? It was a bit much. I was too much for you. I was still a little uncomfortable. Now, there were

four other people in the restaurant and they were all alone. Yeah, that's kind of helps. But two of them were sitting at the bar and like talking to the waitress left, frontender, and and so like that felt like you know that's that's what that's the situation you're in. But you know, I got I did it and it was delicious and I love lunch. It's maybe my favorite thing. Yeah, no. My favorite thing is family. And yeah, okay. Yeah. My second favorite thing is dinner.

Then lunch. There's so many nut hatches out there, John, and none of them are chickadees. Well, there's a bunch of them. I'll make a sort of broad observation to you, Hank, which is that every single nut hatch you're seeing is a chickadee. Yeah, it's a bunch of them. I'll make a sort of broad observation to you, Hank, which is that every single nut hatch you're seeing is a chicken. Yeah, it's a chickadee.

That's backing upside down up the trunk of a tree, pecking it. Did you have you met a chick in the event? It might be. They are different birds. They are evidently different. It's really far away. And the only reason that you think it's a nut hatch is

because you have tiny little Montana chickadees because there is nothing for them to eat. So they are like hummingbird sized because how could they survive? Whereas here we are in a beautiful hardwood forest and the chickadees can become fat and happy and huge, nut hatch sized. Yeah.

Also, many of the things you're identifying as a nut hatch are in fact falling leaves. That don't want to criticize your bird watching. But you've said there are so many nut hatches. There were actually our falling leaves. There aren't a bunch right now. We all went away. All right.

Anyway, it reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by Indian as chickadees, Indian as chickadees, the chonkeyest chickadees this side of Mississippi. The Fakas is also brought to you by our grandfather who is grateful for his health. What he has of it. Tch. Tch. Tch.

Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch.

Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch. This is also brought to you by the stand-up comedians who laugh at their own jokes for so long to remind you that you should laugh at them. The stand-up comedians who laugh at their own jokes. Now see, that is a robin. Now, you know what that one is. Okay. And this podcast is also brought to you by career opportunities. It sent John Hughes to the woods. It turned out to be the opposite of by career opportunities. It sent John Hughes to the woods.

It turned out to be the opposite of a career opportunity. Hank, we have a project for us a message to read from AJ in Victoria to Dear Baby. This is a great project for us a message, Hank. I want you to prepare to tear up a little bit. Dear baby, welcome to the world in all its beautiful shades of gray, in all its nuance and complexity. We can't wait to see you grow to help you explore your curiosity and to teach

you to hope and love. We want to show you a world where mothers and babies like you are safe and healthy no matter where they are born and because we are human, we selfishly hope you learn to love science and art like us. No matter who you are, we love you. We have no doubt you won't forget to be awesome. Love your parents. Ah, gosh. And that's so beautiful.

That's a really good one. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us. Welcome to the world, baby AJ and Victoria. That's what I'm calling the baby. AJ and Victoria. That's what I'm calling the baby. A.J. and Victoria? Junior. Alright, hey, we have another question from Nicole.

And since I've become really interested in astrophysics, I wanted to ask this question because I think I might know the answer to it, but only might. Okay. Nicole writes, Dear Johnner Hank, how do we know that the universe is expanding? How can it even expand if matter can't be created or destroyed? What is expanding? Also, what is causing it to expand? What the heck is expansion? And how is what we're expanding into just nothingness? Penny for your thoughts, or even maybe a... Nicole. Wow. Wow. Wow. God, we're at the end there. That was solid gold.

I think so, like, so, so as far as what's causing it to expand, like a lot, there are a lot of questions in there. Yes. The most important one is that we know that it's expanding, how do we know that it's expanding? Because once you, we know that it's expanding, it's like, like that, that's basically what we know. And then we have a lot of like guesses about like,

why and how and, you know, what is causing it and like dark energy and we're confused. But we know that it's, do you know why we know that it's expanding? Can you, do you feel like you can articulate that? Yes, there's been a sudden influx of birds into the tree, just as a F1. I'm thinking about the universe.

The reason we know are expanding. The reason we know the universe is expanding is because, well, we have measured it in several separate ways. Yeah. So we kind of like double triple know it now, but the original reason we knew it was from cosmic background radiation, which is sort of the remnants of the big bang, and then

since then we have figured it out because the distance from the stars is getting greater at an accelerating rate. So we don't just know that the universe is expanding, we know that the rate of expansion is accelerating. Yeah, we can look out into the universe and see that everything that's pretty far away from us is moving away from us. Yes. And it's moving away from us faster and faster. The farther out we see the farther it's moving away from us.

But that doesn't mean that matter is being created or destroyed. It means that everything in the universe that is made of matter is getting further away from everything else that is made of matter. Right, so looking from here, it looks like everything's moving away from us. But if you look from somewhere else, it also looks like everything is moving away from that point.

Because everything is expanding. Which is maybe the better way to talk about it than the universe is expanding, and so what is expanding into? And like, let's get away from that. The first thing is that like astronomers look and they can see that everything is moving away from everything. Even things that would appear to be moving together away from us, if you were there, they

are moving away from each other. Right. That does not mean that matter is being created. No, it's right. Because space is just getting bigger. Yeah. And space is not matter. No. That is, I think that's the essential thing that's underpinning the question that they're confused about. That like, there is, there's a lot of space that's made out of at least what appears to be nothing. Yeah, it's just a field. It's just a field.

It's very weird. I have a conceptually very easy time understanding a magnetic field where it's like you put two magnets together. It's very complicated. Or, something stick to each other. It's very complicated. Or they could pulsed, or they could push against each other. Yeah. And you can feel these things. It's very difficult to understand, like, sort of, like, all the rest of the things.

Yeah. It's just sort of perturbations of fields, because, like, matter ends up being just a just a field. Time is a way, like what time is deep down? Time is the worst one. Time is a measure of things getting further apart from each other. Kinda. Time is getting less organized.

Time is things getting less organized and right now getting less organized. Time is things getting less organized. And right now, getting further apart. Yeah. Yeah, time is really bad. Time is super weird. When you start to understand how time is under like actually functions, it's not satisfying. And it is.

No, it gets a little warpy. Yeah. Well, it's just... When you ask the question, like, what time is it in another galaxy? Like, there is no... They have a... Their time is different. It's just a different time.

And... It seems bad, man. Well, I don't know that it seems bad. It seems very weird. The other thing to understand about astrophysics, and this is also something to understand about viruses and birds, and basically everything, is that we know a lot more than we used to know. And in the case of astrophysics, we know a lot more than we did even a hundred years ago.

But we do not know almost everything. We do not know if there are other universes. We do not know what dark energy is. We do not know. So we do not really know why the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate. We have great, great guesses, but we don't really know for certain, for certain. And we don't know, like, we don't know why anything exists. Yeah, we don't know the answer to the biggest question, which is why does anything exist? Like, at all. We don't know, we don't know the question,

the answer to the question. In a lot of different ways. Right. We don't know any part of the answer to the question, why are we here? That's what I've had to come around to. Like, we don't know the question, the answer to the question. In a lot of different ways. Right, right. We don't know any part of the answer to the question, why are we here? That's what I've had to come around to. Like, we don't know why, we sort of know why life gets more complex over time or. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we understand. Life is chemical.

Like, that is much easier to understand. But we don't know why the atoms that are inside of our bodies exist. No, not at all. In fact, we have that are inside of our bodies exist. No. Not at all. In fact, we have good evidence that they shouldn't exist. Or, on average, at least according to what I've read, it makes as much sense for there to be nothing, as for there to be something.

Yeah. Well, it's that when the universe sort of came to be, we don't, I don't know that we know why they're ended up being more matter than anti-matter. Yeah. By a very small amount. And why is it such a small percentage? Yeah.

The universe definitely exists. I'm not sure that we're sure, sure of that. Okay. There are some people who argue that the universe doesn't, this, the something exists. Okay, there are some people who argue that the universe doesn't. This, something exists. I see a chickadee. Well, that I may disagree.

You may see a nut hatch. That's just perched like a tickety. Disguide to me appears to be blue. Yeah, I think. Therefore, I am. Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, I want to read you this question from Brandon, who writes, Dear John and Hank, in my 20 years of life, I found that I am easily distracted by things.

You already did this one. I know, that's not how that was so funny. Do you not think that's funny? We barely even made it one sentence into this question. No, I skipped half of it. Oh, okay. Yeah. Um, the dead lady bug right underneath me.

All right, Hank, here's a real question. Em writes, dear John, and Hank, the other day I was walking my dog. He's a Newfoundland, which is a relatively uncommon breed in my area. Mm-hmm. They're big. I guess Em doesn't live in Newfoundland. I don't know how common they are there. People often stop me or roll down their cart windows to ask me questions about him, but this person rolled down their front and backseat windows and said, I'll give you $20,000 for that dog. Wow. I had no response then, and after a week or so of thinking about it, I still don't know how to respond. No.

What should I say the next time someone offers to buy my dog for $20,000, not selling my new feet? Emma. You got to just yell back. That is a violation of societal taboos or just shout back. I feel like you should donate that money to the humane society. Or you can get them for less. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's what it boils down to. Like there's a price on everything, but there's some things you don't ask the price of.

Yeah, also, I don't think that you can shout from cars at people. Not unless it's a really close friend. Or if you're trying to warn somebody about something, it's like if you're like, Hey, your tires going down. Yeah, that you can do. I did that recently.

That was, I was outside of a coffee shop, having my coffee and a person pulled up and one of their tires was flat and I like went and fun of them. And I was like, Hey, and they're like, what, and I was like, you're back tired. And she was like, are you hang, are you? And you're like, yes, and your tires flat.

I also think that you can scream at a stranger from a car if they're wearing a hyper-specific t-shirt that you relate to. So let me give you an example. If somebody's wearing a Liverpool t-shirt, I can't scream at them. But if somebody is wearing an AFC Wimbledon t-shirt in Indianapolis, you can bet your bottom dollar. I'm gonna roll down my window and say,

hey, I love your AFC Wimbledon t-shirt. Well, how fast are you going? I'm stopping the car in this situation. I've just met my new best friend, you know? What would you say to a person who's wearing a Liverpool shirt? You're like, go dogs. You probably might say you'll never walk alone. Yeah, yeah.

That'd be, I think you could yell that from a moving car. You'll never walk alone is it if it's another 45-year-old man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Like on the same like in the same like level with them the same about approximate time of life Yeah, of course you can't yell at anyone who's like more than 10 years younger than you because I don't know It's I don't know what they're no more are. 20 years older, because then it's like, I think that might be okay.

Like, like a 60 year old, I don't wanna scare them. I don't know. If a young person yells at me as long as it's nice, I'm happy. But if I as an old person, anything, because I don't know what their rules are, that's right. I don't know what the numbers are.

Yeah. There's a power thing. Maybe I'm not even, I don't even what their rules are. That's right. I don't know what the noise are. Different. Yeah. There's a power thing. Maybe I'm not even, I don't even know enough to know. I stay that, I try to stay the heck out of the way. That's the thing. Don't sell your dog. Don't sell your dog. Don't yell at people from cars.

I once was walking to work and somebody yelled at me. Get a job! You're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like,

you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, you're gonna I don't know. I thought it was a lovely day. Yeah. I was so happy that I got to

walk to work. Let's spend a little extra time with my thoughts. Yeah. Goodness gracious. If I thought so, I mean McElroy brothers. Yeah. Yeah. You could probably barely hear them over a really high audio quality podcast that you listen to. Compared to this echo chamber. All right, Hank, the news from AFC Wimbledon. Let's get to it. Highly dramatic AFC Wimbledon game on Tuesday against bottom of the league crew Alexandria.

We went down one nil, but AFC Wimbledon is genuinely much better this season when down one nil than when up one nil. Yeah, so everybody agreed this is a great development. This is exactly what we needed was to give up an early goal so that the boys can wake up and sure enough we did We scored three goals and the first half to go three one up, two goals from Oli Palmer, one from Jack Rudoni. Ayubasal was having a great game. Then we should have gone up like six one. We had so many great opportunities. I thought Wimble then looked really good admittedly against the worst team in the league. But then we gave up a really stupid goal with like five minutes left to make

it three two and I found the last five minutes of that game just unbearable. But we won the game. And so now we have 20 points after 17 games and are in 18th place, which is not half bad. We also have a game in hand over most of the teams around us, which is great. So we won the game, that's the important thing. But there was high drama in the last minute. Ayubasol was shown a straight red card for what appeared from my, I have to watch on my phone because I can't get it to work on my TV. But what appeared from my phone, this is what happened.

So the ball was kicked along. Ayubasisoft definitely like slightly fouled this one player in trying to like head the ball because he's a smaller person. He's only like five six. So he tried to head the ball and he didn't quite get there and he probably fouled the guy. But they both fell over. And then the guy got up and he was very mad and he was like screaming and he headbutted a Ubisoft. And a Ubisoft like went on the ground and was like, man, that guy just headbutted me Yuba Saul. And a Yuba Saul went on the ground and was like, man, that guy just headbutted me and it really hurt.

And then they gave a Yuba Saul a red card and I was like, I feel like this is... Ah! It's definitely a mistake. There's no way that this guy headbutted him unless there was a good reason. And then after the game, a Yuba Saul was given a six match suspension and for spitting on this guy and everybody was like, I didn't see that and then in a show of real class, the crew Alexandria player came out after the game and was like, he didn't spit on me. The red card was rescinded. The six match band is off. A Ubisoft will be back in action soon

and Wombles everywhere are hugely relieved. Holy moly! I know. That's something else. It's quite a drama. So we won the game, but we are like, oh boy, we won the game, but what cost? It turns out at no cost.

Because the headbutt, except the other guy, probably should have gone to red card, but whatever that's fine Yeah, you know, yeah, obviously I wouldn't crew Alexandria to win the rest of their game That's well done. Yeah, yeah, that's good. So there you go That's the news for me. I see Wimblevin. What's going on? What's going on on Mars? I haven't talked to you in like a month about the news from Mars Well, John the the news from Mars is officially going to turn over for a little while to the news from the James Webb Space Telescope, which we'll be able to do and we'll do observations of Mars if all goes well because Mars is also in space.

And the web will be quite well positioned to do some good observations and good data from Mars. But I'll talk more maybe in the future about what that kind of thing will be. But at the moment, I just need to talk to you about what's up with Web. So the JWST has gone to its launch location and they are putting it, so they had to put it on a bar, they had to get it there. It's very complicated. They have got it there and I don't know exactly what happened because it hasn't been told exactly what happened yet, but a clamp failed and there was a quote vibration. And a vibration, look, it's a space telescope that's designed to be launched into space

on a giant rocket. So it's going to experience vibrations. It's designed to experience vibrations. But there was a vibration that was, quote, felt throughout the building. And that, I'm sure that there was a collective loss of breath in that moment. So you have to be very careful with these things and there is concern about the vibration, but they have done a number of tests. They post-polling the launch because of the vibration. Is this like an earthquake?

No, this is like a clamp failed and the telescope shifted and then basically knocked. But it was caught before falling. By another clamp. Okay. So it shifted and fell. Okay. Now that is a chickadee.

I think that was a downy woodpecker. That was not a downy woodpecker. I know. She's trying to do something. I was thinking I could try to convince you, then I was like, I'm back off. Okay. So, is it going to be okay? Yeah. So they post on the launch a little bit so they could check things out. Okay. And look, I don't know how much you can check out once it's all folded up and ready to

be sent to space. But they checked it out and they give it sort of a clean bill of health, clamped it back up and it's on schedule to launch now on December 22nd, which is quite soon, John. Yeah, it's a huge deal. It's a huge deal. It's, but doesn't you don't know that James Lyd's Space Telescope will revolutionize our ability to look at space? Oh, I mean, it's, it's like the Hubble, but like for, or eight or 16 times bigger, or something. And it is particularly very good at looking at

like infrared wavelengths of light. And that will allow us to see much deeper into the universe than we ever have before, but also close up stuff, maybe do like direct observations of exoplanets, like stuff that we really have never even imagined. But it's a super complicated telescope and it is unlike Hubble, which you could fix. You can't fix the web. It's going to be out there and it will not.

It's going to be very far away. So we can't go fix it. So if it, something goes wrong, and it's been, I have a friend who was working on software for the GWST in 2000, in like 1997. Wow. I think was when he was working on it. Wow. So that was like early, like planning stages, but it takes a long time to design these things.

Yeah. So it's exciting, but also a little time-signing. Oh, so yeah. Let's talk about, like, worried about a Ubisoft. I yeah. Talk about worried about a Ubisoft. I know. Talk about worried about those last five minutes. Who are the last five minutes of the web? Yeah.

And you don't have 45 other games to save it. Yeah. You gotta get it right on the first try. Right. Well Hank, thank you for bonding with me. Thanks to everybody for listening. We'll be back next week with probably another reunion episode. Yeah, it might sound like this one.

It might sound a little bit better if we could just get the rest of the people out of the house. So everybody on a quick trip, but I kind of like the idea Hank of us finding a way to bird watch next time too. It's nice. It's just it's a nice little vine. I think we should start a podcast called birdwatching with Hank and John We're Hank and John just debate whether it's a nut hatch

Because we're definitely the ex we call the podcast is it a nut hatch question mark and we would never do any research Works for Joe No, yes, put that in tuna. You heard me this podcast is edited by Joseph Tune, a meditator produced by Rosiana Halstrow-Has. Our communications coordinator is Julia Bloom. Our editorial assistant is Debokit, Dr. Vardy. The music you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast, you'll find the great gun of Rola. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.

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