Dear Hank & John - 313: I Will Not Engage

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Why are your German accents so bad? Why are American English classes so intent on finding meaning? Does Earth's spin affect air travel? How would sound work through Gabriel's Horn? Does nobody really like you when you're 23? Hank and John Green have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Of course I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank, sorry we're in person so I get a little bit slow because I have to actually look at Hank with all of his meat bags. It's podcast, a comedy podcast, we're two brothers to give you a duties advice, bring you all the looks news from both Mars and AFC Wilburden and to answer your questions. Hank couldn't do that part because he was on Twitter. I can tell from his face that he was... Oh, wow.

Oh, I have a dad joke. Oh, you do? Yeah, because my father-in-law's been here for the last week, so I've got nothing but dad jokes. He's the master of the form. This morning, we were watching Newcastle versus Arsenal, and he said, does Newcastle have like a nickname? And I said, I believe that they're known as the Magpies.

And after a moment, my father-in-law said what a foul nickname Wow, I know oh boy. He's got him by the boatload He's better he's better at this than I am because I have nothing the audio is gonna be a little better today because we're not in the shed Here's what I want you to talk to you about okay. It was a tit mouse It was a chickadee. It was a tit mouse. It was a chickadee. It was a tit mouse. I know a tit mouse is look like, and I know.

I saw one of your chickadees today and they're tiny little cute little chickadees, even smaller than the Montana ones. It was a tit mouse. It had a gray crest. Respectfully, I know what my birds look like, and it looked like this because it is a chickadee. Now you may be confusing, Hank. You may be a little confused because there are two basic chickadee looks. There's also this sort of chickadee look and maybe you thought that this was a tip-house, but it's a chickadee.

Okay, great. I'm not a U-ray crest. It had feathers poking up from the back of its head. Indeed, because it was this very chickadee, it did not have like a crown, like a roost. We're not even going to, we're not talking about this. I refuse to engage with you on an audio podcast about a visual experience that we have. I will not engage. Okay. I did want to ask you a question though. Uh-huh. I want to talk to you about committing to the bit. Now this is something that Hank and I talk about a lot in private. I thought about being a vlogger with this video about it actually. Because I think that committing to the bit is one of the great skills and talents that is inadequately talked about in our education system. Is this like for a content creator or any kind of human? No matter what you are doing, the quality of your commitment may be more important than the quality of

the bit. Oh yeah. So like for example, there's a player in World of Warcraft who for the last 17 years has wevelled up all the way to the top level only by picking flowers never by engaging in combat. That is not a great bit, but the quality of the commitment to the bit makes it transcendent. Yeah, I think that there is a lot to be said for the, and also I feel as if I don't do it enough.

Yeah. Now I do do it. No, you do not commit to the bit. And this is a, you know, we commit to the bit together. Now, sometimes Hank, so just so you know, there are moments in our relationship where, and we don't like to do this formally, where we have to sort of check each other a little bit and encourage

certain habits and maybe discourage others, bring out the best in each other, become more aware of our weaknesses. And I want to take this opportunity to say first off lean in before you lean out. I adore you. I think you're amazing. I feel like you used to commit to the bit a little harder in the I'm going to spend 15 hours inside of a target days. Yeah. Then you commit to the bit right now. Well, look, I have other commitments I have to commit to. I know. And I feel like you're prioritizing family and being the CEO of Complexly and other things that I'm not going to say they aren't important. I'm going to say that I'm concerned that it's harming your ability to commit to the bit.

It has been about a year since we completely unintentionally and no way was this something that we worked hard to do. Named every single vlogger, there's video every line of Smash Mouth's All Star, not in order, but all of them. And that is a great example of a low quality bit with high quality commitment. I mean, titles on YouTube matter so much. Not in that year, they did it. We were like, I think no. Yeah, and to be fair, I think on the other side of that, we did, we lost some audience, but it was, yeah, it was audience, we were okay with losing. They were the ones we made a choice.

To do it. To the bit. Yeah, they weren't, they weren't ready to go all the way there with us. But the reason I've been thinking about this is because you and I are sitting here in Indianapolis and we got, we, our families are here. It's great to see your parents. You know, Orin doesn't get to spend enough time with his grandparents, especially during COVID. And so I, I don't want to say it's been anything other than an awesome trip. It's been amazing.

I love seeing our kids together. We watched a great movie last night. It's been a great trip. I'm concerned that you and I for the past five days have been together, both quietly knowing, not speaking about, but both quietly knowing that we are three hours away by car from one of the last remaining racks restaurants. It's in Centralville, Ohio. It's probably our last chance to eat a

Rax roast beef sandwich. Because you think the centerville rax is going to close? I'm concerned about how it's going to make it through the pandemic. Yeah, of course. There were like 1400 raxes 30 years ago and now there are four. I am concerned about the outside of Finland. I've concerned about that trajectory. And it's three hours to it. Yeah, yeah. And three hours back from it. Well, sure.

Unless we decided to move to centerville, that's a real commitment to the bit. Well, how else would you go to racks every day? We'd have to go to racks at like seven and get back at like three, even like seven a.m. No, you even P.M. Oh, oh, oh, oh. We can't. You mean like seven a.m.? No. You eat at 7 p.m. Oh, oh, oh, oh. One of the rack close. Your proposal would be that we do all the kind of family stuff all day.

Yeah. And then we're like, oh, hey, guys, we're just going to go out for a gallon of milk. And we do come back. It's not like the cliche of being a band-in-ing father, but we do come back. It just would come back at three. John, I want to go for a drive and just we come back at the train. John, I want to go for a drive.

Three o'clock in the morning. We have a lot to talk about with Tommy X. Wait, no, it wouldn't be three. It would be one. Yeah, but we can be the racks in centerville close. We could be back by one AM, right? Which is the up till one sometimes. It's not even an unreasonable bedtime.

I mean, it didn't used to be an unreasonable bedtime for me. I mean, it's when I would like to be going to bed. Really? I never, I always want to go to bed at 9. No. That says it's all correct. It's open to a correct it to tax. It's open to a right. No, I don't want tax.

I want racks. It's open till 9. So we'd have to leave at like 5.30. I mean, the irony is that there are three raxes. It did it again. Sorry, don't yell that. It's very loud. The irony is that there are three raxes

that are relatively near Indianapolis, but they're all equidistant. You know, like they're all about the same distance. If there was one that was like in a city, I would propose that we just fly there and eat at the rax. No, that's that. But there isn't really a good airport near any of these places.

Racks roast beef. Wait, what is this one in? Oh, this one says, This is West Virginia. Oh, this one says closed. Did this one recently closed? Oh, the one in Indiana, yeah, it's closed, man. Oh, no.

I know, that would have been easy. Oh, we really could have been an hour away. We really could have gone. I know. So anyway, I'm just concerned about our committing to the bit. And it's not just you. I feel like I also have been inadequately committed to bits lately. Yeah.

And it's just something I feel like our listeners are suffering the most from this. Who? Racks. Oh, I know. I know. And I feel like our listeners, they've come to expect a certain level of committing to the bit from us. And I don't want to disappoint them. And so I just want to say we're aware of this issue.

We're sorry about it. We're pulled in a lot of directions right now by parenthood and family responsibilities and just behind the scenes life stuff. But we recognize the issue of not adequately committing to the bit. I'm happy to report, John, that the racks in Indiana closed in 2011. So it's not like we just missed it. Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Hey, we're out of that. Yeah. There's a pretty good chance that I'm going to have a movie project happening in Ohio. And maybe I can convince them to film it entirely in Central Ohio. In the racks. I am an executive producer. Could you write racks into it? I've never really known am an executive producer. Could you write Racks into it? I've never really known what an executive producer is.

What is the project are you doing that I don't know about? None of your business. I've never really known what an executive producer does, but maybe the executive producer does nothing except get on one phone call and say, has anybody considered Centri-Villolio as ascetic? Here's the situation. I'm an investor in a Racks. considered centerville Ohio as a setting. Here's the situation.

I'm an investor in Iraq's. My brother and I, this is all I have. My brother and I have seen the success of Beastburger and we have decided that we purchased a single rack. What we did was we went all in, we pulled out all the partners in health money, but don't worry, it's going back to, it's going back to partners and it'll,

because, yeah, it's like, it's going back to it's going back to partners. Because it all pays off. Exactly. Yeah. It's like it's like that four-way parlay bet in that scary movie about diamonds with Adam Sandward that was so stressful. Uh-huh. Yeah. The sixth sense.

I believe it was called sweaty palms. I did watch that movie. It was called career opportunities. That's right. Yes. Adam Sandwoosh career. By the way, I've been thinking since the last episode of the podcast that career opportunities, in addition to being a good title for that movie,

because like that is kind of what it's about. It's kind of about career opportunities, so many of them missed. Career opportunities is a pretty good name for most movies. Like it's not a terrible name for the second Hobbit movie. You know, what are you gonna do with your time? Yeah, like the Hobbit.

What's your vocation? The Hobbit of Forbidden Journey, Cole, and Career Opportunities. I feel like the movie citizen Kane might genuine movie better if it was called Career Opportunities, same movie. People just understand it more. Yeah, it's just called career opportunities. Yeah, reservoir dogs.

He's a movie that career opportunities. Sure. Yeah, most films. Han Solo, he's just trying to figure out what he's going to do. So what color is Han Solo's parachute? Solo. Colin career opportunities. There's no movie it doesn't work for.

You could even argue. Another one, and I'm just gonna throw this out there, Hank, Ace Ventura, pet detective. Yeah, follow up like the third one. Yeah, career opportunities. How is Hollywood really like this? Pet detective thing isn't really working out. Yeah, and he's like, I think I'm gonna try

out being a do, you know, John, I had this idea of never pitched it to you. Okay, great. That, by the way, that is an extraordinary statement. It's shockover, you have an idea. You haven't pitched me. So, you know how there are like television shows where like every episode they'll like make over a different house.

Yeah, I wanna do a show like that, but instead of make over a different house. Yeah. I wanna do a show like that, but instead of make over a different house, I started different business every week. Oh God. For two months. Oh God. And so I just like, or three months. And so I start like 12 businesses.

Yeah. And then over the, and then like try and get all the stuff together and then you just sort of like what goes into starting a business and then it's just like boom, next thing. And then you try to put like a team in place to run the business and they're all like now got there the responsibilities of making making the you know the thing and succeeding along with it if it succeeds and then over the course of the year and then you like follow the businesses and see

how they do this is my terrible idea that I don't want to do. I don't think it's a bad idea. The career opportunity but it's a bad idea. Career opportunity. Unfortunately, but it's career opportunities is a great name for this Netflix show. The only thing I'd say is that why not bring a little shark tanky element to it where you're supporting somebody else? Free existing businesses rather than making it all about you.

It's not as egotistic. I know. That's why I like it better. Yeah. Hank Green career opportunity. I think you should be call it, I think it should be called career opportunities with Hank Green. I'm not going to take you out of the title. I just don't want you to front load yourself into the title. It's not a bad idea. We should talk to our, I don't know anybody at Netflix, but I do. I genuinely think it's a good idea. Hank, I think that you should

call your friends at Netflix. I never think it's a good idea. I think that you should call your friends at Netflix. I never think it's a good idea, guys. And I think you should say, I am inadequately busy. And I'm looking to take something new on so that I can further alienate my core relationships. So I think that should be your pick. I love the idea. I love it.

Here's what I want. I want all of the worst parts. Yeah. Of more. I think actually you should executive produce this show because that's the executive producer. I think executive producer of several movies. I can tell you unless it comes to like I think we should have dinner at racks tonight. You don't do anything. Okay Hank, while we're on the subject of racks I need to read you this email from Kay. Uh-huh. Kay writes, dear John and Hank, first off your German accents were horrendous. Please never do that again.

Kay I have good news and bad news. What is the good news, John? The good news is that, uh, that being said, Hank's finish was not the worst I've ever heard. Ha! Secondly, German and Finnish accents sound nothing alike! How did I do finish so well then? I was gonna say,

I have good news and bad news. The good news is I'll never do German accent again. So bad news is, this is my Swiss. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha. Wait till you hear my Austrian. Oh my god, ready? Here we go. This is my Austrian. Lastly, there are indeed raks restaurants all over Finland, multiple in Helsinki. Welcome, Natu Burschjo bubble, though. It is possibly the vast pizza I have ever had. Oh man. Ah. That's not, that was like, the I was like from the Mississippi Delta.

And then the have was, it was man. The have was a AI that's been trained to learn German, but only by listening to people who are in their first week of duo-lingo classes. This, I would be very worried about any message you get to be a brand ambassador for the Saltsberg salt mines, because they are taking you down there and leaving you. This is how it ends for John. That's how they do it. That's how they do it. That's how they get you.

They're like a tragic accident. And so long. I just wanted to be your brand ambassador and use my amazing accent and make the people happy. Anyway, what was the question? There was no question. Oh, I just wanted to go back to doing our German accents. I felt like it had been too long.

That's the last time we ever do German accents, but have you heard our French accents? John, do you have a question from our, is this an or so, that was humiliating? Well, it's none of its look. If it was good, people would just think there were strangers talking to them. If it was good though, we would do it all the time. Is the truth. Like if we had good accents, are you kidding? This would be an accent show. This is all we would never not do accents. Oh, go. If I could do accents, I would, I would be an accent

comedian. That's a question. I can't. I can't find any. Okay, here's one. This first question is from Luke who writes, Steer John and Hank, why are American English classes so focused on finding the meaning of quotes and books written a hundred years ago,

even when there is no meaning in them? Why can't we focus on grammar and spelling? Why do they do this in the same question with math? Why is it all on the path to calculus, pumpkins and penguins, Luke? I can't speak to calculus, Luke, on a few levels. Ah! But I do feel like I could speak

to the American English class issue. So as far as why we read critically in English classes, we read critically in English classes so we can learn how to read critically. Because what language can accomplish, in my opinion, in any way, is not only what it accomplishes, quote unquote, literally. It's not only like what the story does, it's also what the language does. And we know this if we think about it because what the story does, quote unquote, literally, or if you read something, quote unquote, literally, you are in fact reading it figuratively because it's wrong. Well, language is made up of figures. Yeah, there's inherently symbolic.

Yes. And all language is symbolic. And so what we're trying to do when we read critically is not divine what the author meant 100 years ago. We're trying to divine what the meaning might be for us and how we might have a deeper relationship with language through close reading. And I also don't just don't agree that authors never intend their work to be read closely. Oh God.

I do not labor under the delusion that I am a genius, but I definitely intend my work to be read closely. Yeah. There are lots of metaphors and symbols and resonances in my work that I am hoping that readers will pick up on. But you don't want to go too hard on because people will be like, I get it, John, I get it. Right. I'm not trying to write animal farm, right? Like, I'm not trying to be like, have the reader be like, man, these pigs are definitely

not pigs, you know? Yeah. But like, I get frustrated when people are like, why can't we just read for story? When reading for story is also a kind of figurative reading, it's just one kind out of many. And I think personally that reading gets a lot richer and more fulfilling. And the same is true of watching movies, by the way,

engaging with any kind of art. It gets more fulfilling, the more able you are to read or listen or watch closely and critically. I'll answer this question from a science major's perspective as a person who's sort of like crossed that bridge later in life into writing and reading and thinking about that stuff. And it is this, how do we teach people the complexity of language? How do we teach people to communicate effectively and richly and beautifully?

And that's like, that's the hard question. Like that's the hard question that primary and secondary school teachers are posed with and college professors are posed with. How do you teach a bunch of people to take language seriously? And that's a not an easy question. And this is one of the ways that we have figured out how to do it effectively. As you take a text and you say, this is more than meets the eye.

And let's talk about the ways in which it is more than meets the eye. And that not only maybe deep and zero relationship with it, but also maybe makes you a more effective communicator. And I have to say, becoming a more effective communicator is like a lot of the reason we go to school. Yeah, and in truth, like we can talk all we want about teaching grammar, but when we are teaching critical reading, we are teaching grammar, I think,

on a general level. Let me give you an example. But when we are teaching critical reading, we are teaching grammar, I think, on a general level. Let me give you an example. Like, if you were in a sort of, if you go to a grammar class, or at least if you went to a grammar class when I was in middle school, they might tell you, well, double negatives are wrong. So you don't say, I can't not do that. You would never say that.

However, it does mean something, actually. Exactly. And by the way, if you can hear a lot of noises, it's Hank's chair. I just want to clarify that because it's extremely loud in the room. I don't know if it's loud in the recording. It sounds, it sounds farty. It just sounds mostly loud and continual. I've never noticed how much you move inside of your chair until now. But, but like, move inside of you. I'm sure we're until now. But, but like the thing about a sentence like, I cannot not do it, is that that means something

and it means something other than I can do it. And understanding the ways that language can be wielded, the ways that grammar can be wielded to create nuance, to create multiplicity of meaning. That is is actually the work of what grammar actually does instead of learning grammar rules. Well, yeah. I mean, there's so it's communication is so subtle. You are father-in-law again pointed out at the Thanksgiving dinner table that there is something very different between, I love all of you and I love y'all. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and it's just like, I love you all versus I love y'all. It means different things. It does. Despite the fact that it's the same sentence. Right. And like, how do I know that? And I can even really closely articulate what it, like the difference in the meanings of those two sentences.

But it conveys a very different feeling to me. Yeah, and so that's part of what, that's part of why we try to read these texts deeply. That said, I definitely think there is a risk to that endlessly deep reading, but to me, the risk isn't that you get too deep. The risk is that you bring your own biases and experiences and cultural milieu into that depth, which can in some cases, I think, exclude people or

work from those conversations that shouldn't be excluded. A famous example of this is that I would say one of the best writers of the 20th century probably was Octavia Butler, who wrote Parable the Sower and Kindred and lots of other books that are now being read in college classes all over the place. But for many years, weren't because they didn't meet maybe the expectations of the people who were deciding what kinds of books we should read and what kinds of context. Yeah. And so that is definitely a risk, but I don't think that reading deeply is inherently unrewarding. Yep.

That's my thank you for coming to my TED Talk. We'll now allow Hank to do a TED Talk about what? This question comes from Becca who writes to your John and Hank, does the spin of the Earth factor into air travel times, like taking out weather variables, like wind direction and speed, if a plain fool, long and equator, an equal distance in opposite directions, would the flight going against the spin of the Earth

get to its destination in less time than the flight going with the spin of the Earth, spinning right around Rebecca? Now this, I have no idea what the answer is. It has to be like a couple milliseconds at least. There is an, there is an effect. Okay. But basically, no, because the earth spins, and so does the atmosphere. The atmosphere spins. Like, it's not like the, it's not like, you know, you don't like, imagine like the earth sort of like spinning into a storm. You know, you're not like sort of always crashing into whatever the, like the earth sort of like spinning into a storm. You know, you're not like sort of always

crashing into whatever the like the earth system the atmosphere spins right along with it. Or else we would all die like if the you know because the wind if the wind stayed 25,000 mile an hour wind all the time. All the time. Yeah, that would rip everything off the surface of the earth. So that would be a bummer. It does. So there an effect though, because there's Coriolis forces and jet streams, and that are influenced by the spin of the earth, but it's not significant. So, at? Yes. For space travel, it does matter a lot. Because once you leave the atmosphere, there's spinning and you're spinning around. Because it's not about going through, it's not really about where you're going on

earth, it's about getting into where you're going on earth, it's about getting into orbit. And so you do want that speed boost from the spin of the earth. Oh. So you have to get going a certain speed before you are in orbit, orbit is about speed rather than height. And so all rockets take off in the direction of the earth's spin.

Oh. Significantly. That's interesting. More significantly. That's interesting. More efficient. That's interesting. I read this great book that's half by Alexei Lanov, the guy who took the first space walk. Yep.

And he wrote about the reasons why he had to, because he had to choose a manual landing site because the automatic landing system failed. And he had to choose it, the aircraft was spinning. It was in an uncontrolled spin. And he had to choose it, the aircraft was spinning, it was in an uncontrolled spin, and he had to choose it just looking out the little window and like doing geometry on a piece of paper. Yeah.

And he said he couldn't pick the original landing site. This is not an option. And I've always wondered why that was. I've always wondered like, because he doesn't really explain it or at least like the way he explains it in the book didn't make sense to me. But I've always wondered why that was. And so he picked, basically, he picked the space in the Soviet Union that he thought would be furthest away from a border, because he did not want his spacecraft ending up in another country. And then also furthest from a human.

Right. Because he didn't want to land on somebody's house. Yeah. Then I watched this because he's like, look, I'm almost definitely going to die. Yeah, I mean, pretty much. Might as well not take anybody with me. Pretty much. Then I watched this Soviet propaganda movie about the flight and it's amazing.

The best part about it is that they celebrate the return of the cosmonauts by saying, not only was this the first manned spacewalk. This was the very first time in the history of space travel that someone has manually landed. Because if it was all part of the plan. Yeah. Yeah.

We did it. Wow, Russia. We keep hitting first. We did the one on purpose and we did the one on accident. Yeah. Oh, man. This is the first spacecraft where the, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, the plane so that during reentry, fortunately, a cable got hot enough to burn off.

That's why they didn't die. All right, Hank, let me ask you another question about science that I don't know the answer to because I don't understand any part of this question. Claudia writes, dear John and Hank, I was talking to my friend about Gabriel's horn. I'm already gone. I'm lost. Do you know what Gabriel's horn is? Let's keep asking maybe I'll remember. We came across a question. If you don't know what Gabriel's horn is, oh, Claudia, thank you. Thank you. You just gave in clutch. It's a theoretically infinitely long horn shaped object that tapers off so that it has an infinitely large surface area and length, but a finite volume. The question is, I can kind of picture this. The question is...

The question is... It's a big horn. Well, is it a big horn? Because it potentially... Well, it's an imaginary big horn. Yeah, potentially isn't just like... It's a big horn. Okay, it's an imaginary big horn. Yeah, potentially isn't just like, it's a big horn. There's, okay, big horn.

Listen, Hank, it is a big horn, but more to the point, it is an infinite horn, and it's important that we don't confuse infinity with largeness. So it is, it is an infinite horn. It is a boundless horn that has a non-infinite volume because of the taper and... You can calculate the volume. Exactly. All right. The question is, what happens if you were to make a brass instrument called Gabriel's French horn

and place someone at the other end of the infinite horn to hear it? Would the sound taper off? Would it be infinitely loud? There'd be air throughout the horn, pressurized to 14 psi, which again doesn't actually mean an infinite amount of air. What would happen to us? Don't blow this for us, Claudia. So, if you blew Gabriel's horn. Yes. Do you, Gabriel, I needed to send me your horn because I may or may not be about to destroy

a rax. You just wasted that infinite horn down on the surface of the earth and already we have a problem, right? Because the horn extends out past the sun, it goes in two- It just goes around the earth a bunch of times. It's a French horn. They go circles. Oh, yeah. Okay. It goes in infinitely circles the earth and infinite spiral horn. Yes, but as it goes, it gets larger. It doesn't end. The front it just keeps getting larger. The back end that you blow into is the part that just keeps getting smaller for it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So by the time it gets like 700 revolutions

around the earth, let's say it's like one nanometer in circumference. Uh huh. Less than that. And then I'm sure much less than that. Let's say it's a fine hang of a peak of me. Let's say it's a billionth of a... Yeah, it's a plank. It's a plank, one plank. Let's say it's a plank, plank. And you have something that somehow has lips small enough. We hire the most smallest cricket.

I just get out of there. Just the world's smallest cricket. It's cheap into it. But you just, just places its tiny little cricket lips at the end of this infinite horn and goes, what happens? What happens? I don't see why it doesn't destroy the racks.

I don't see air, the air just kind of, that keeps going and going and going and going and going and building and building and building and building and then the racks is hit. My a C note so intense that the racks blows off the surface of the earth. Right. That's your theory. Yeah. And Finland might go to. Oh, I was thinking the racks in Ohio. Oh, well, she's that's really close to here. Great point. We should go with the racks in Finland. No reason. My, my child is in Indiana right now. I'm not going to blow anything up with an infinite horn in Ohio. I'm a good father.

Finland on the other hand. I mean, those, forget those kids. Oh, God. What would happen if you blew Gabriel's horn? You look, I have no idea. Yeah, I mean, just to state the obvious, me neither. All right, Hank, listen, our listeners solved one of the great mysteries of the 21st century, which is what happens when you're standing on a scale and you've got a bucket of water

on a scale and you stick your hand in the bucket of water. Yeah, it's a counter-intuitively you get less your scale ways less. And the water scale weighs more. Yeah. I think that our listeners can solve the problem of what happens if you blow Gabriel's horn at a racks and Finland. Yeah. But I don't think Hank and I can. No. Well, the thing is the hole, if it's infinite, if the whole is infinitely small, would the noise be infinitely that? Would the pressure wave be infinitely strong? That's my question, because I don't understand how physics of horns works. But if that's the case, then yeah, you destroy the earth. I guess the other question though is if the hole is infinitely small, can you

even get a tiny little cricket? Definitely not. All right, so then we can't, so there's a number of practical concerns. So then we can't blow Gabriel's horn. Well, obviously you can't create infinite power either. Can't you? Okay. You can't? Well, obviously I sounded like that was even worse than me thinking I can start 12 businesses in three months. I know.

Yeah. That might have been even more annoying. Okay. I'm going to throw this out there in case this whole Gabriel's Horn thing won't work at all because you can't get a tiny cricket on the end of it. But what if Hank, you had a cricket go into the top of Gabriel's horn and go around the earth 72 times until it was a very, very, very small horn,

not quite infinite. Solving a problem. Then it's just a horn. Yeah, but if it's a close to infinite horn. There's nothing, there's nothing. There is no close to infinite. You're right, you're right, man. I'm sorry, I was thinking about infinite You're right, man. I'm sorry.

I was thinking about infinite as big again, not as boundlessness. Very hard to not. It's very okay. Oran says affinity instead of infinity. Yeah, it's pretty cute. Yeah, I heard that. You asked him the other day,

how much he loved you and he said 100. Yeah, there's a lot. And then I said, how much do you love your dad? And he said affinity. And I was like, screw you, Warren. I'm out here trying every day, sending you text messages. Yeah, although I did the other day, he was talking to his mom about how much he loved her.

I'm just kidding, by the way, I was thrilled to be loved 100. Like one and I've had a real breakthrough. He said affinity Google affinity Google affinity Google affinity Google So like I'm not even close. Yeah, that's all I mean that is a big difference to be fair Yeah, well except I know math enough to know that actually there's no difference well, yeah, if you've been like infinity and I yeah and Oh, yeah, if you'd been like infinity and I, yeah, and pie. Right.

I would have been like, Orrin, infinity is boundless. It's not a large number. Come on. Oh, man. We went to a cemetery. We went to Crown. I took Hank to Crown Hill Cemetery, of course. Like, where else am I going to take?

I will probably see in the episode already. It's the best cemetery in America. And I took Hank there, and we came across. We didn't talk about this I took Hank there and we came across, we didn't talk about this in the video, but we came across a headstone. And the two people are still alive, so we felt like we couldn't totally drag them. But their headstone won.

It stated their like political beliefs, which I just, I don't think you should have on your headstone even if you are a president, like President Benjamin Harrison, he's buried at Crown Hill Cemetery and nowhere does it say like his political party or like how he felt about tariffs, right? Like because it's his grave, okay? That's not the place for you. We are. Yeah, it wasn't like Benjamin Harrison, cancel culture sucks. Right, because those are just gonna date terribly. Yeah. And you just and and you're potentially gonna alienate.

Almost done starting a whole university based on that idea. Okay. I mean, certainly headstone is cheaper. We don't need to get into the mental gymnastics that people have to undergo to look at the state of higher education in the United States and think, you know what I think would solve this problem. But anyway, this person or people, it's a couple, when they stated their political beliefs on their headstone, and they're not even dead yet, I just feel like isn't the whole point of having a headstone

that you hope people walk by and spare you a good thought? Well, you're telling at least 50% of people, I'm not like you. We might not have agreed on some pretty core stuff. But then, do you want to tell the full story about the quote. What was the quote? The quote was outside of a book. Oh my god. The quote was outside of the dog. A man's best friend is a book. And that was it. That was the whole quote. That was the whole quote. It was attributed correctly to crouching marks. But the quote didn't tell it's half of a joke. The joke. That's a great joke.

It's a joke. The joke is outside of a dog. A book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. That's the joke. You can't have the first half of the joke. I'm going to tune the song. I'm stoned. Maybe you can.

What the problem is that it makes it, it's like, it makes it seem like, oh, that's not a very good quote. It's just not, it doesn't really stand on its own. The good part is, if you know the joke, then you're like, ay. Yeah, yeah, I guess if you know the joke, then you feel like you're in the know. But it's a tombstone.

It's a tombstone. A hundred years from now. Yes. Who's gonna remember this Groucho Marks Show? Whereas if you include the whole joke, a hundred years from now, somebody might discover a new Groucho Marks Show, you know? Oh, God.

You could be the one who preserves that Groucho Marks show for future generations. I have to tell you, at the cemetery, they're among all the people, there is like six of us there. Yeah, on all the people, we talked a lot about what we would like. John Green's graves done to be like, and nobody talked about their own graves at all. I didn't find that to be the case at all. I felt like I, I mean, first off, I wasn't with you guys.

Oh, so if you were talking about my gravestone, I wasn't listening to the car afterward too. No, I was like walking around looking at gravestones. Yeah. Um, I feel like walking around looking at gravestones. Yeah. I feel like mom gave us hyper-specific and strong glans you were paying attention. Yeah, mom was like, I want, what is this little plastic flower? Plastic flowers and those little whirly gigs.

Well, yeah, pinwheels. Yeah. She wants pinwheels and she wants the pinwheel to be functioning in the shape of a reef at all times. Yeah, for eternity. It's like, mom, I don't know if I can make that promise. Like, look, look, we're gonna work real hard on material science. We're gonna create self-healing pinwheels. I feel like we didn't talk about your gravestone

because you're probably not gonna be buried at Crown Hill. Unless I can talk you into it. I don't know, I'm definitely getting buried in Muzou. That's unfortunate. Sorry. I would love to see you at Crown Hills. I mean, long after I go. This man works for the cemetery.

Long after I go. You should get commissions. I should. Yeah, I want to go first just so I can see your grave because I feel like you're going to do a great job. Well, first off, I'm offended by your idea that if you die first,

you'll get to see my grave stone. That's not what I meant. I want you to die first. Okay. For a lot of different reasons. Yeah, I don't want me to die first, you'll get to see my great stone. That's not what I meant. I want you to die first. Okay, for a lot of different reasons. Yeah, I don't want me to die first too, believe me. It's the appropriate way of things. I should die first. Yeah, and then you know what Hank,

we've got exactly three years earlier. Sorry, we have to interrupt this conversation for an advertisement. Okay, well, let's remind me that this podcast has brought to you by Crown Hill Cemetery. Crown Hill Cemetery. At the very top, you find a guy that nobody remembers. It's James Wickham Riley and he's at the very top.

And people remember him, he wrote Little War Fnanny. Oh, sure, I've heard about that. But I mean, does he need to be at the very top of the hill? Benjamin Harrison is at the bottom of the hill. The president. Yeah, I mean, I've often thought, and I don't want to get too into my own Does he need to be at the very top of the hill Benjamin Harrison is at the bottom of the hill the president? Yeah, I mean, I've often thought and I don't want to get to into my own thinking about my own graves Don't hang because like this has been the Hank is egotistical episode and I'm not looking to not looking to like shift it back

But as you know Hank all I want is to be buried on top of James Wickham Riley I want us to be buried on top of James Wickham Riley. No, I'm just kidding. Put me at the bottom of the hill. Bury me with the people. Today's podcast is also brought to you by the Salisburg murders. The Salisburg murders, the events that immediately preceded my burial at Crown Hill Cemetery. preceded my burial at Crown Hill Cemetery. That's podcast. This podcast is also brought to you by Gabriel Zorn. Gabriel Zorn because of the end of all of our lives. Potentially.

Potentially. We're not sure, but it could be how we all go. That's going to be terrible for the funeral industry. I think it would be good because so many people died. No, no, we've got to have some left, yeah. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by the Spectre of Death, the Spectre of Death. Wow, it's just been all over this episode.

I don't know what it is about us being together. Well, it's always there. It's always there. I'm just glad that our comedy podcast about death is about death again. Really? Yeah, we brought it back. All right, Hank, before we get to the all important news from Mars and ASU Wimbledon,

let's answer this question from Veronica who writes, to your John and Hank in their song, What's My Age Again? 1999? Oh, God, what? I'm sorry, Veronica, what did you just try to imply? You try to imply that Blink 182 song, What My Age Again, can drink?

What? What My age again? Blink 182 said that nobody likes you when you're 23. Yeah. Is this true? And if so, is there anything we can do to avoid it? Or do we just have to wait until we're 24, only two months left of being 22, Veronica? I thought this might be a good question for you, Hank, since you once sent Blink 182 lyrics for a song that you thought they should record.

Look, I have a strong, healthy opinion of myself. First of all, as a historian of the lyrics of Blink 182 songs, it's nobody likes you when you're 23 and you still act like you're in freshman year. That's it. This is the critical observation. Nobody likes it when you're 23 and you act like you're 18 or 14, that isn't defined. And I think that is common.

Nobody liked me when I was 23 because I acted like I was 14. Nobody liked me when I was 23, because regardless, being 23 actually does quite suck. It's really hard. Yeah, I think 23 is one of the hardest times, especially if you did high school, straight into college, and now you're 23, and you're graduated, and it's like, what am I supposed to do now?

Yeah, and there's always, and there's this weird thing happening simultaneously, which is that all things are possible. Like your life could go in a ton of different directions, which is exciting, but also terrifying and overwhelming and difficult to be. And there's a sadness. I felt this sadness in knowing in thinking that like, well, my life is gonna have to go one way. Yeah, which means it's not gonna go all these. I have to mourn other ways. For all the other choices I don't make.

For all the other friends I don't follow. The real life. Yeah. I'll be by places I don't like. Yeah. And a lot of times, not always, but a lot of times, your core relationships are either like not yet set or at least not yet super strong.

They're in flux. And the older I get, the more convinced I become, that core foundational interpersonal relationships is the meaning of life. It is both like why we are here and what we are here for is to like take care of each other. Like I've become a little bit of a vannagati and humanist in the sense that I do believe that you care for people in your crass, like people who come into your sphere of being for whatever reason.

In my case, my children and my friends in Indianapolis, but also my friend Shannon, who lives in Chicago and my brother, who lives in Montana and other people who are kind of in that extended network of people like I care about. Like tonight we're having over the Great Writer Ashley Ford and her husband Kelly Stacey and I consider them to be in this, you know, this like extended family isn't the right word. That's what I like about the Vonnegut word, Keras. Like that this extended group of people that I have. And when I was 23, I kind of had that, but there were a lot of fragile relationships.

There were a lot of relationships that like blew apart spectacularly. Yeah, they were unstable. Yes, yes, yes. They ran very hot and very cold. It can be fun. In the way that jumping off a cliff can be fun. Right.

In the way that a roller coaster is fun, but you're barfing. Yeah. And it's more fun, like somebody... Well, it depends on the person. Some people are like that roller coaster. That's true. That's true. What I felt like...

For me, it was not that way. What I felt like is I was on a roller coaster and I was seated next to an old person who was kind of like shouting at me the whole time we were on a roller coaster and I was seated next to an old person who was kind of like shouting at me the whole time we were on the roller coaster that if I didn't like this, I was never going to like anything about being alive because I was young. This is the best part. Exactly. I was young.

I was on a roller coaster right now. Why are you complaining? I was healthy and I could like go and stay out late in party and I didn't have any responsibilities and I'm sitting over there being like, this roller coaster won't end and I can't stop barfing. And it's a real bummer for me when you tell me that this is as good as it gets. Yeah. Yeah.

And I have since had moments when peers have looked back on that time and been or look back at people that age. And they've said, oh my God, I'm so jealous of them right now and I'm like, I do not. Late. They do not relate. But it is hard and that's the age

where I worry about people the most. Like 22 to 26 is really tough. Or even like to 32. I don't know. I don't stop worrying. I mean, because eventually you do start to settle into adulthood, but it takes a while. I don't know.

For me, it took a long time. Yeah, I think about the 23 year olds, and I hope they're doing all right. And it's got to be a weird time to be 23. So our thoughts are with you, and we don't have any solutions, but we do like you. And we think people who don't like you, frankly, are not doing a good job of paying attention to how hard it is to be you right now.

But don't act like you're 14. All these things are true at the same time. Yes. The trick is to be confident at a time when you have few reasons to be, which I'm good at and despite that, still had a terrible 23rd year. Maybe the worst of my life. Oh, I mean, definitely the worst of my life. Yeah.

My bro, not even a, not even a, I can't even come up with a close second. I mean, seventh grade was terrible. Yeah. But, oh man, it was brutal. So, I got albums I can't even listen to. Yeah, I mean more. Yeah, from that year. I was really well taken care of that year

by my cousin, Lisa, our cousin, Lisa, and her husband, Eric, who are two of the best people you could have take care of you in a situation like that. And I remember they would come and pick me up and take me to play volleyball with them. They'd come and pick me up and time and time and time again, even though I gave nothing in that relationship, except for darken.

You did get out of bed. Yeah, I was dark and brooding and completely oblivious to everyone else's problems and they were incredibly kind to me. So also remember the people who are kind to you when you were 23. Okay, Hank, let's get to the news from AFC Wimbledon. Speaking of very young people who are being forced

to make adult-style life decisions, how about AFC Wimbledon squad? So the news this week from AFC Wimbledon is that Wimbledon tied two to against Fleetwood. It started off very promisingly. We gave up a goal. I see Wimbledon is that Wimbledon tied two to against Fleetwood. It started off very promisingly. We gave up a goal. And the 30 fifths in the lead.

One of the worst teams in the league. They are one of the worst teams in the league. But so are we. We gave up a goal in the 35th minute and I was like, I think I tweeted right where we want them. And sure enough, we then,uba us all scored a beautiful goal in the 53rd minute and then Luke McCormick scored another fantastic goal. Both of our goals looked really, really good in the 79th minute. And then we just gave up a cheap,

stupid, easy goal off of a set piece in the 84th minute. It was super frustrating. You know, the story of the match, if you look at the stats, these are similar teams of the bad teams. I think Fleetwood is probably the best. They have the lowest goal. They have the best goal difference of any of the teams around them. They actually have played fewer games than most of the teams around them. So like, I don't think Fleetwood is quite as bad as their record.

I don't think that we are quite as bad as our record, but at any rate, now we have 21 points after 18 games, and we are in 17th place, which if the season stopped tomorrow, I would be delighted with the last two games you had. Yeah, well, we won the last one, and then we tied this one. Yeah, we've been saying that they were both against very, I know. And if we could have won this game, then suddenly we would have been up among the, you know, like, in the game. In the 15th. And that's where I start to feel better.

Right. But everybody's very tightly packed this season. It is very, very tightly packed. I mean, right now, in fact, if Wimbledon were to win the game that they haven't had, like, they have played fewer games than the teams above them. If they were to win that game, we would, I think, be in 13th place, like right in the middle of lead one.

So. But who's that against? Um, it's against somebody good. Yeah. I can't remember who, but you'll get up. Do you get a point when you lose? You get a point when you tie. Oh, you get nothing when you lose.

No, no points when you lose. One point when you tie, three points when you win. Well, in this week in Mars News, um Mars News, the perseverance is twin rover has been put to work. It's called the Operation Perseverance Twin for Integration of Mechanisms and Instruments sent to Mars. Nice. Which spells? Well, I just, I'm sorry, I got lost one third of the way through that initialism because it's too long optimism. Okay. I don't think I could have gotten that with 100 guesses.

So that's the rover that is it's twin here on earth. And the purpose is to help scientists test out commands that they will be sending to Percy in the future and help them uncover potential problems that it might deal with. So of course, there's a fake Mars, called the Mars Yard, up at the Jet Propulsion Lab for that purpose. Complete with boulders and Martian scenery. The Mars Yard has been used to test out other Rover twins in the past, and for optimism, it's been a useful site to see how it handles digging samples out of boulders

and storing them like Perseverance has been doing on Mars. And optimism first went to work in the Mars yard in September of 2020. The rover recently got some key upgrades to make its sampling and storing capabilities and navigation systems more like the Perseverance systems. And the optimism has been performing well successfully drilling a core and navigating autonomously through the yard. You may have heard that they had a little Pursy out a little trouble. Yeah, one of the core sand digging. Yeah. Didn't know really what happened But the sample didn't get into the container. Right. So they've upgraded optimism to make sure that they have a better model for how exactly

All that goes down. Okay, and they did get the second they did get the second one They used a they had a softer, easier rock. Okay, but they want to get those They want to know what's going on. They want to know a softer, easier rock. Okay, but they want to get those. They want to know what's going on. They want to know a lot of different rocks. They basically want to know what's going on. How they ended up with a sample, vileful air, which was on the list of things

they wanted to collect. Yeah. So they got it. Yeah, yeah, it was on the list. You know, that wasn't the one that they wanted that time, but it did get a sample jar full of it. Well, well Hank, thank you for potting with me and thanks to everybody for listening. It is such a joy to pot with you in person, like not enough of a joy to fly to Mizzoula, but a joy.

I mean, if we did it like this all the time, we could have a video podcast. Oh yeah, that's... Ugh. Then I would have to, like, put on pants. You are wearing a kind of pants? Hank, don't ruin the image. Well, but I said a kind of pant. So now the image is really all over the place.

That's true. It's I'm wearing a jean. They're not jorts. They're the Capri pant version of jean. Don't lie, John. You're wearing awesome socks, but they're like extra long. You got them special mages for you. They go all the way up.

Yeah, they're called tights. Yeah. They're called all the way up socks. Yeah, no, we're getting it. And I just invented them. My new business, it's one of the 12, I'm gonna start in the next three months. That's right, that's right,

we're getting to the leggings business and I'm wearing our prototype. It's an exciting multi-level marketing opportunity hank. Yes, it is a lot. I will say it's a lot. You're gonna love them. You're gonna love them so much that you're gonna want to sell them and then sign other people up to sell them. Who signed other people up to sell them? You're gonna buy so many because we're gonna make you buy so many. Why have we never gotten to the MLM world, John? I don't think it's... Maybe it's because we're not... No, I don't think it's wrong. I don't think it's wrong. No, I don't think it's for us, Hank.

I just, the vibe's off. The vibe does seem to be off. Look, they smell bad, because they're very moldy. This podcast is edited by Joseph Tuneh Metashits, produced by Rosie Anna Halls-Rosar. Communications coordinator is Julia Bloom, our editorial assistant is the Bokey-Truck Riverty. The music you're hearing now,

and at the beginning of the podcast, it's by the Greek Gunnarola, and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome.