Dear Hank & John - 320: Fried A

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Do we really need leap days? Are there liquids that are thinner than water? Why did Hank keep making TikToks after he said he wanted just one? How do I explain mortality to people who question my flowers? Do my cells have families and sentience? Hank and John Green have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Of course I prefer to think of it here, John and Hank. It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you to be his advice in the new All the Weeks news from both Mars and F. C. Limbeldon. John, this was from my mom, arm arm arm. I was going to say, I was about to get real defensive. What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? Arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm arm funny. That's pretty funny. That's a good one. That was a good job. She's been setting me

dad jokes. She's like, I don't, maybe she's doesn't approve of what's been going on in the dad. She told me, no, I talked to her recently about it. And she told me it was like her favorite section of the podcast. And I was like, well, try not to take that personally. John, I recently got a message from TGI Fridays, the great restaurant, the chain restaurant brand, and they would like to work with me on a brand deal. So instead of that, we're gonna, well, maybe I'll do it, but we have to ID it, like I'm not gonna come to them and say,

yes, I wanna work with you and for clarity, this was a mass email to like every TikToker. Oh, but I'm gonna take this very seriously. And I would like TGI Fridays to know how, so how do I make TGI Fridays? Look, the best that it absolutely can. Because right now all I have is I have not been to a TGI Fridays since I was seven

because they don't have them in Mozilla. Well, would it be helpful or not so helpful if I told you that it's, in my opinion, not the best American chain restaurant. Right. Well, so that maybe there's maybe there's a way to help to understand something about the kind of culinary approach that TGI Friday takes. I got a, I got a, I got a, I got a huge one. Are you in my head looking for, because my feeling is that TGI Friday is, there's some executive of TGI Friday's who heard that Applebee's on a date night song.

Uh-huh. And this is what happened. Oh, we got to get out of TikTok stuff. Yeah. We have to find a way. Yeah. So I've seen a 40% increase in their monthly revenue and we're not worse than Apple Bees.

And I genuinely think that's what he said in the meeting. He said, we're not that much worse than Apple Bees. And so how do we have a viral moment? Well, here's what you've got to do. You've got to position yourself in opposition to Apple Bees. Now, they're not going to be, and they know this, they're not going to be able to make tell the story that they in opposition to Applebees. Now they're not going to be, and they know there's some, not going to be able to make, tell the story that they're better than Applebees. So they have to make the case that like they're maybe more authentic or that if you go to Applebees,

maybe you're a little bit too, you know, refined to fancy, you don't want to be fancy Applebees. That's how the song goes, right? Yeah, we fancy like Applebees. No, you're not, you're not fancy like Applebees. You're real like TGI Fridays. This is made of food. We can guarantee that to you. And I had another idea.

And this I found out. I just had a brilliant idea. I'm sorry, my idea is better than yours. It's very rare that I come in. I just. You mine after yours. I just had an idea. That is a, it's a level one idea.

It's almost too good to give to TGIFeridys. That's how good it is. Well, maybe you shouldn't say it. I should tell you mine, which is fun. After. But not a good idea. After Wimbledon were promoted. Oh my God.

From League to the League one. And I went to the game with my dad at Wembley. It was just an incredible, incredible experience. One of the best days of my life. The next day, I went back to Wembley, just to like feel the energy of that place. And then I was hungry. And I went to a TGI Fridays, which it turns out they have in London. Because Americans visit London. Because Americans visit there. And you know, we got to eat our food.

And so I went to the TGI Fridays. And it was really good. It was great. But the thing, my idea is what if TGI Fridays becomes the central sponsor of AFC Wimbledon, then they're associating themselves with the people, with a fan-owned club. They're associating themselves with not exactly success on the pitch, because that's not their brand. Their brand is pretty good enough. Good enough most of the time. You're going to get a lot of draws. You were going to have a lot of ones against Cheltenham. Yeah, it's about loyalty, not about quality.

It's about loyalty, not about quality. TGIFRIDES is investing in AFC Wimbledon and we are asking you to invest in TGIFRIDES. And what we're going to give you is not a fancy date night. We're going to give you a date night. No adjectives. Oh God, I mean, I do want something dropped into hot oil right now, like absolutely. I would love that.

So here's my idea. So you know how like sometimes like Rihanna or whatever will do like a special food at McDonald's you can get like the Rihanna, like whatever Rihanna gets? Sure. What would yours be at TGI Friday? It's what is the like special John Dish because I got one.

Ready to go. Mine is a three course meal. Oh wow, it's, you going to take control of the whole evening because we're giving you a date night, Hank, no adjectives. Mine is a three course meal. Yeah. And what all three courses have in common is that they have all been dipped in hot oil.

It's called the Friday, Friday, special. Oh, what? It's called the Friday Friday special. Oh, what? Oh, I'm not gonna beat that. Friday's cream, fried Oreos. That's just appetizer. Fried jalapeno poppers. This is a brilliant idea. Friday's Friday's.

Yeah. Well, I just had one thing and it could be included in the Friday, Friday, which is, I want baked beans deep fried. Deep fried baked beans. That's Hank Greens. Hank Greens deep fried baked beans. Maybe Hank's special is deep fried baked beans and a corn dog. It's simple. It's sexy. What if, you know, what if, TGF front is, when they're on a date night, because when you're on a date night, you know, you're hoping that it's going to go back to the car and then maybe if everything goes perfectly back to the apartment and that is when you definitely

want to eat three courses of fried food. Ha, ha, ha. Well, I, like, I don't know if this is possible, but if anyone can do what the scientists at TGI Fridays can, can you make me a corn dog that somehow has baked beans in it somewhere? Oh, that's a great idea. In among the corn batter or stuffed inside the hot dog?

That is the Doritos Locos Tacos of TGI Fridays. That is what gets them out of the doldrums and brings them back to cultural relevance. So I'm gonna write back to this message I got on TikTok and be like, first of all, you didn't tell me what the rates were. So I'm gonna need to know how that information, because nobody does. Nobody ever does.

Second, you need to, and you need to say, listen, TGI Friday is, I only have one kind of idea, million dollar ideas. And I only accept one kind of payment, million dollar payments. And I've got some goodies for you. There's three and I'm going to tell them to you and you're, and you're going to give me the money after I tell them to you. That's how good they are.

One, you're going to associate with yourself with a losing third-tier English soccer club. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm tying. Mostly, mostly, I'm tying third-tier English soccer. And that's where they always are because it's not about quality. It's about loyalty. Secondly, you are gonna create TGI Friday's Friday's days. No one's ever thought of that at your company.

No one ever thought of that on before. No one in the history of the world has had that joke. And thirdly, you're gonna get baked beans into a corn dog. I don't know how you're gonna do it, but you're gonna do it. And nothing will be the same ever again. I mean, here's the thing, Hank, if TGI Friday is really does team up with TikTokers to come up with an all new menu where it's not like it's just an all new menu of stuff TikTokers love. I mean, you and I won't be anywhere near the list of course, but that could actually

be very successful. Yeah. You know, I could get young people back in the doors here. You know, after having this conversation with you Hank, I can't help but think two things. One, we missed our call. We should have been geniuses. We should have been madmen, like Don Draper in the 1950s. And secondly, I don't understand why more brands don't want to work with us. I feel this way all the time. I feel like I don't want to brag,

but like I love policy genius. And I love life insurance. And I believe in selling policy geniuses life insurance because I believe lots of people need life insurance. And policy genius doesn't exceptionally good job of getting it to you. And I think policy genius gets good value for their money. And frankly, I think TGI Fridays would get good value for their money with our bean corn dogs and Friday Fridays. I don't, I mean, we have a lot of good ideas. Why aren't people paying us to have them for them?

Just allow it to happen. What do you call a big bean corn dog? Just a big bean corn dog, a Hank Green Big Bean Corn Dog. You call it a Hank Green Big Bean Corn Dog. Yeah. The Hank Greenbake Bean Corn Dog. And then it's the Friday's John Green Friday. No, I think forget me. I don't need to be in it.

Hank, I'm not a friend. I'm not an narcissist on like some of us. I could, it can just be Friday Fridays. And I'll just consult on the menu. I don't need it named after him. I don't need naming rights. Is it Friday's Friday's or is it Friday's Friday's? Well, Hank, you got to leave a little bit of room of interpretation so that the marketing

people can feel like they're doing something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've given three pitches. One of them is Friday's, Friday's, one of them is Friday's Friday's and then one of them is just like a really garbage. So they feel like, yeah, you always give them a third option that's just terrible, so you can point them in the right direction. Yeah. Okay, great.

Yeah, Fridays, fried a's where they only fry things that are shaped like a, they won't like that at all. That's the bad, that's the bad. I would eat it. All right, I think it's time to transition to questions for our listeners beginning with this one from Catherine who writes to your John and Hank. My friend just told me that Betty White was actually basically a hundred when she died because of all the leap years that she's lived through. She died just a few weeks before her 100th birthday, but if you can't all those leap days, she would have been a hundred if we hadn't had those leap days.

So, that makes me wonder, did we really need to have those leap years that robbed Betty White of so much joy in her life? Thank you, Catherine. Just take them out. Well, so over the long term, this does create a problem, which is that the year begins to start, begins to not align with the seasons, which is one of the thing that's awful great about the year. The solar year, yeah.

Yeah, and the year. The lunar year. Like, you got a lunar year. What's a lunar year? Yeah, but some people date with lunar years and. Yeah, because seasons move through the years and they don't have any problems. They do, that's true. But I know like to know that when July comes around,

it will be warm. Right, unless you're in Australia, in which case it may be cold. Right. All this stuff is arbitrary, Catherine, but the idea of the leap to hey is that it helps us to keep January 1st cold and July 1st hot unless you're in Australia.

And but which is more important, honoring the memory of the great Betty White or it being warm in July. Like who cares? I would tell you this. So I don't want to speak for Betty White. I don't know what her position on this would have been. I suspect that her position on it would have been, this isn't very important. She was a person who had a lot of passions in life, did a lot of good. I never saw in her philanthropy an orientation toward calendars, but I might be wrong.

But yeah. Or we could just, we could switch it so that instead of counting everything, like what, in tens, we could just count everything in nine. And then she definitely made it to 100 because there's only nine digits per 10 instead of there being 10 digits in 10. Right. We could just have a completely different

counting system. I'll just make a base nine instead of there being 10 digits and 10. Right. We could just have a completely different counting system. Yeah, we'll just count base, base nine instead of base 10. That's gonna be, yeah, that's not gonna create any problems. Alternately, and I've often thought this was a great idea. We should not have a leap day every four years. Oh, okay. Yes. Yes. Wait for it, Hank. Uh-huh.

We should have a week, fortnight, every 48 years. Oh, and then that's just, that's the purge. It's a full purge situation. It's like, hey, these comment only comes around once in a lifetime. And that two weeks is just like, it's the other world. It's the 48 years you spend thinking about what the other world might look like.

Like what might it look like if things were turned upside down? They often did this in like medieval Europe. Like what if things were turned upside down and surfs were lords and lords were surfs? They would have these like four minute parties where that would be the case. And then all the lords would be like, ah, just kidding.

Go back to killing you. And I'd like to extend that out without the word and serve stuff to a leap fortnight that occurs once or if you get lucky twice in a human lifetime. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the idea that you only get one or two. Yeah. Yeah.

And that most people get one. And that's great. I like that. I don't, I don't, like, I think that we, that, that period of time should be like, all right. No screens only fires. We're going to just talk to each other. Wait, isn't that what the purge is? I haven't seen any of the movies.

Yeah. No screens only fires is also kind of the purge. Just the scale of the fires would be bigger. I was thinking camp fires, not yes. Yeah, me too. I was just thinking like, yeah, like people like sleep out and they just, like we turn off the electricity maybe even so people just have a radically different experience of life and everybody has to walk everywhere.

Yeah, yeah, like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that. Yeah. That's that's my preference. We need more. We need more like large scale. Everybody does the thing and just like everybody and it's just like why? It's like stop asking questions because if we don't do things together, it's got to be trouble. We need to do our things together. Yeah. No, we need to. It doesn't actually matter what rituals we invent, but we need to invent some rituals that we can all share or a fairly limited window in which to get some rituals on the books that we can all share and that make us all less lonely and that help us to understand that even crazy Uncle Nick is kind of a good

guy at times, you know, next question comes from Sydney. Okay. I don't know if it's our mom, but it could be. It seems like a question our mom might ask. In fact, the more I read this question, the more I'm confident I am. It is our mom. Dear John and Hank, I was thinking about how there are a lot of liquids that are thicker than water, for example, milk and also milkshakes and also blood.

And you can add things to water that make it thicker, but I don't think you can add anything to water that makes it thinner. Are there any fluids that are thinner than water or is water the thinnest liquid of them all? I know people sign off pumpkins and penguins, but I have never listened far enough back into the archive to know why Sydney. That sounds very much like our mom. She didn't become a fan of the podcast until like 2019. Yeah, she's no cheerly like the dad jokes, though. This is, this is so interesting

because you don't really think of it this way. And of course, a lot of the things that we think of as thicker than water are just water with stuff in them, but there are also things that are liquid that are thicker than water, but there are also things that are liquid that are thicker than water, but there are also things that are liquid that are thinner than water. Real? Yeah, so like, you know, like the meniscus, you know, like when you pour water in, then like gets to the very top and then it like makes a little bubble on top. It doesn't go over the edge, but just barely.

I didn't know that was called the meniscus. I thought the meniscus was something very different. And that's a part of your knee, maybe the part you're thinking of. Yeah. The, the reason for that is that there's like little tiny bonds between hydrogen and oxygen. So like water has part, like a little part of its molecule that's a little bit positively charged, a little part that's a little bit negatively charged, and those parts line up so they like hold on to each other a little bit. And there are other molecules that do not have that

that they don't have as much intramolecular interactions. And so they will pour, they will not have this the same height meniscus, or they basically will have no meniscus at all. And they'll just go right over. Acetone is like that, methanol is like that, benzene is like that. Longer, bigger molecules that are liquid tend to stick together more, which is why oil is so thick.

Cooking oil, I'm just what I'm thinking of. Not interesting. Yeah. Okay, so there are liquids that are thinner than water in the way that we think of thin and thick and blood and water and whatnot. Yeah, and it's like measurably, like if you touched it, you wouldn't probably notice

that much, especially because all those things are really volatile, so they evaporate from your skin really fast. And that would, the majority of the sensation you get would be, that's cold, because they would be stealing heat away from you. Yeah. So there you go, Mom. I'm, thank you for asking me,

chemistry question, because I know I'm favorite son. And you really want to throw some bones to me, because everybody talks about John Green all the time. No, no, first off, there's no favorite. Secondly, I don't think you can any longer defensively say, like, oh, nobody ever talks about me and my seven million TikTok followers. I still haven't, John, do you probably don't do this

because you're not, you have different sets of problems than I do, but I always pick somebody who's like a little ahead of me and whatever social media platform on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. Oh no. What? Oh my god, this is terrible. Okay, are you willing to say who the person is or would it be too humiliated? It's the worst. His name is Derek Huff. He is one of the dancers from Dancing with the Stars. Are you still there?

Yeah, I'm looking at his profile page. I've got a couple comments for you, Hank. Uh huh. First off, I have been on TikTok. I don't know, 18, 20 hours a day, every day for the last month. I've never seen this guy, never once. Well, that's a scene of a bunch of times.

That's the first thing I need you to know. And then the second thing I need you to know, yeah, is that you have more followers than he does. Do I? Yes. As of today, I get to tell you this. I did it. Really?

How does it feel? I mean it. Yes. By several thousand. You can't. How does it feel, Hank, to have 6.4 million TikTok followers to this seemingly perfectly innocuous person, 6.3 million TikTok followers. It feels good. Is the whole inside of you filled it last? I haven't chosen him for a long time, John. He is, he is growing. Like, it's not like he's stagnant. He's,

he's moving. Is the void that you believed you were only one achievement away from finally filling filled? Uh, well, no, but this doesn't mean I get to pick another person. To go after. That sounds like fun. That sounds like it'll be a good time. That's right, Oprah. Step aside. Hey, Queens coming. I mean, I don't have a lot of faith in my ability to keep growing on TikTok very quickly.

So I have to pick somebody who's like relatively close. You know what would get me to retire from TikTok? What? Is if Oprah Winfrey called me and was like, I want you to be my social media manager for TikTok. And you would say like, I want you to be my social media manager for TikTok. And you would say yes. I got you. Yes.

I need you to move to Mizzoula Montana because I'm not leaving here. But once you're here, we're gonna make so many great TikToks, you're gonna have 100 million followers in no time. Wow. You would stop, you would put aside your own TikTok career

for the benefit of your own TikTok career for the benefit of Oprah's TikTok career. Oh, yeah, that'd be so much fun to help Oprah do TikToks. Mm, I have a follow-up question. Okay. How much would you sacrifice to, for instance, help your brothers TikTok career? You're doing great.

You don't need help. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey, while we're on the topic, we've got a question from larissa who writes dear john and hank do you remember during the episode of the podcast that was recorded with hank and zack at vidcon australia when hank said that he wanted to create one tiktok and have it go viral and then never do anything else on the platform what happened

well you almost did that you got close to being like i did i don't want to only do bangers What happened? Well, you almost did that. You got close to being like, I only do bangers. I had this policy that I only make solid gold platinum tiktoks as I referred to them, which are tiktoks that get more than 500,000 views. And then it broke me.

My first nine tiktoks all got more than 500,000 views. In fact, my first 10. And then it roped me in. Now, I have an unusual TikTok strategy, which is working great for me, where I delete almost all of my TikToks about 10 minutes after uploading them, and that's been wonderful. And I can't recommend it enough.

But I do still have some non-solid gold platinum TikToks that are publicly available. Yeah, it has happened. Yeah, I made a video about this, Larissa basically, because obviously it did suck me in, it is a rewarding place to create, but I do also have problems with it, which I have also made videos about.

Right, right. And also like, it's very difficult for, it will eventually happen, but it's difficult for me to see something very interesting happening in social, internet land, and not to understand it. And maybe this is the last time I really go all in, in social, internet, land, and not to understand it. Yeah. And maybe this is the last time I really go all in,

but like, and like, for example, I don't understand Snapchat at all. So it's certainly not everything, but I do really like to understand cultural phenomena. Yeah, I do too. Let's move on to this other question. We'll take it away from TikTok. Okay, great.

We got a question from Tonvi who asks, Dear John and Hank, I really like flowers so much Let's move on to this other question. We'll take it away from TikTok. Okay. Great. We got a question from Tanvi who asked, Dear John and Hank, I really like flowers so much that I often have a vase of two or three fresh cut flowers in my living and dining room. But sometimes when people come over, they ask me why I like flowers given that cut flowers die. How do I politely tell these people that they are alive right now and really pretty

and in my house and going to die just like my flowers? I mean, I don't think you say that. I think you do. I think that's the most polite way you could falsely say it. I think you say, like, you know what else is really beautiful? Yeah. And destined to die. You. I mean, I cannot imagine, I cannot imagine walking into someone's house and seeing a design choice they have made and being like, I am going to remind you about mortality.

I'm going to, like, that seems like a weird judgment. It's like if they have a pet dog and their little puppy comes up and you start petting it and you look up at them and you say, is it an interesting choice to get a dog when they die? I mean, it is a different time scale. I understand it's a different time scale. You know, you've got flowers for maybe like like two weeks at the outside if you got really robust ones and take care of them really well, cut flowers. But like, I don't know.

Like people do a lot of weird stuff. This seems low on the list. And that's the right answer. Maybe the right answer is, I don't know if you've noticed, but people do lots of weird stuff. But like, there are people who have, we are so strange. The whole thing.

Listen, I understand it's weird that I have dying flowers in my house, but lots of people have like collections of 5,000 Funko pops. Yeah, I have a friend who has a room that is full of things that you found in a river. Yeah, it's just a river. I live a room.

I have 135 bottles of fermented grape juice that like all taste pretty similar, but when I drink them, I'm going to act as if they taste vastly different from each other. I have, next to me, a lot, a lot of words printed on paper that I'm not going to read again. Some of them I haven't read once. I'm currently holding a piece of aluminum that was made just for holding liquid. And the liquid it was holding was designed in the early 19th century by a chemist in Waco, Texas. Yeah. And it's bubbly and it contains purportedly 23 separate but all artificial

flavors. Yeah, you got it. You got it. Next time somebody says that to you, you got to say, Hank Green doesn't have flowers. Instead, he has a rubber duck in the shape of pioneering vloggers, a Frank. He has that on his table. Yeah. So like, I'm not the weird one. Yeah. And we're all great. Everybody is great in their own ways.

I would definitely focus on the we're all gonna die aspect of it. I would definitely focus on the, you are also as beautiful to me as a flower and as fleeting. But don't say it in a serial killer way. And I'm not sure how to say that in a not serial killer way. Yes, yes, great point Hank. Great point Hank.

Don't like take the flower out and like pluck one of the petals and say, you know what else is beautiful and about to die. Very slow head turn. That's not cool. That's not cool. Yeah. Which reminds me actually that today's podcast is brought to you by not being a serial killer, not being a serial killer. It's the best way to be that is podcast is also brought to you by Derek Huff. Derek Huff.

Boy, those don't follow him on TikTok. You should go bring bring me back down, take it, take me down. It's your opportunity right now to take me down a notch. Of course. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by TGI Friday's, Friday's. It's self-explanatory. It's self-explanatory and also today's podcast. This is brought to you by the leap fortnight.

Either we're gonna get together and have a real chill time or it's gonna be the end of everything. We're not sure. Pfft! Right, I feel like the word fortnight has been very successfully co-opted. Yeah.

I mean, it wasn't being used a bunch for other stuff. I was, man, if you look through my novels, there's so many times fortnight my boardmates pass. Yeah. Not really. But I like that you believe it was possible. It's absolutely possible. It's totally possible. What's the, what's the thing? Deadpan? Deadpan. Deadpan. I use deadpan once every book. But anyway, we also have a project for all some message from Emma, the AJ who says,

I couldn't be happier to have spent three years with you. I love how much we are able to share interests. I love cooking new foods for you and writing music together. Most of all, I love you. Everything hasn't always been roses, but that just proves we can navigate storms as well as clear weather. I'm so glad you sat in my seat. I bet that's a kind of inside joke reference, but it's a, I can tell that it's a sweet one.

Thank you. I love you donating to the Project For Awesome. And by the way, the Project For Awesome is coming up. It is. Between February 25th and February 28th, Hank and I will be part of a live stream extravaganza. And you can get as a perk if you donate to the project for awesome and support great charities, you can potentially get one of those project for awesome messages that you can read to your loved one.

It probably won't be as sweet as M.S. to A.J., but it could still be sweet. Maybe. Yeah. So get ready. And there's lots of ways to get involved. You can go to projectforawesome.com to find out more. We very much appreciate everybody who gets involved. However, they can.

It's a ton of fun. I've been on Amazon trying to think, like, what am I going to buy that's going to make this weird? Because that's one of the most important things that I just have a big box full of things that might get weird. I like that. I can't believe that this is the 15th project for awesome.

That's crazy. Just really remarkable. The PFA has raised $15 million in 15 years. And we just wanna see that continue to grow this year. We're so excited. And it's just an awesome thing to be part of. So grateful to everybody who volunteers and makes it work. And it's gonna be a great time be part of. So grateful to everybody who volunteers and makes it work.

And it's going to be a great time. It is. It is. All right, Hank, before we get to the all-important news from Mars and Nancy Woubleden, I want to ask you another question. OK. It's from Abby, who writes, dear John and Hank,

I was just thinking about how small our little planet is and the grand scheme of things. And now I'm wondering if my cells have families that resent me for not drinking enough water. Is it plausible that my cells might be at least sentient enough to be annoyed with me for not drinking enough water? Dehydrated, Abby. What I like about this isn't just that the cells

are annoyed with you, but they have like caring, loving parents and brothers and sisters who are like, I can't believe they got Abby. They have to live in Abby and Abby never drinks. Right. When she took care of my good self-friend family member, and I don't know how they probably they their names are chemical signals rather than rather than words because they can't talk. I can't believe Abby won't take care of my

three hundred thirty seven thousandth clone. Yeah, I'm so so weird, John. The whole idea that I'm just a blunt, that like all of these billions or trillions of little goobers work together to make me have like thoughts about TGI Fridays, little unacceptable. Like, yeah, I don't feel like I'm doing them, doing them proud. Not only that, half or around half of the cells that make you up, which some of which contribute to what you think and what you want aren't actually you. Yeah. They're bacteria colonizing you. Well, those aren't me though. They influence me for sure, but in the same way that how you're doing. Yeah. so- In ways that you don't know and aren't conscious of. Yeah, well, same with like strangers on Twitter though, and they're not part of my body.

That's true, but the difference is, and I think it's a significant difference, is that like, for example, the gut microbiomes of people who have OCD are different from the gut microbiomes of people who don't. Now, that may not be causative. We're not there yet, but that's a weird correlation. That's pretty weird.

That's pretty weird. For sure. So, is it me or is it my microbiome or is it both? The point is that we are a weird collection of cells that don't fortunately have feelings. Now, there may be a level of annoyance that they feel when you are dehydrated, Abby, in the sense that there may be things that they can't do. Yeah.

But do they worry about it? No. Yeah, or, yeah, I think they're a little less good at. This is a very tricky question, because like, what is, if you look at the strict definition of sentience, then they are, they can sense things. Like they react to stimulus and so like, you must admit that they can, they are, they can sense things. Like they react to stimulus and so like you must admit that they can have a sensation. Can they feel a feeling about it?

No, probably no feelings, but like they definitely like have a way of caring, which is that if there is a situation they will act differently and thrive more and move in directions to try and get things to work. The wonderful, amazing thing about the cells in our bodies though, and maybe this will make you feel a little bit better about the whole situation,

is that they are the most selfless cells in the, like the cells in a body are the most selfless cells of all the cells because they regularly are like, if something starts to go wrong with the cell and it's like, I don't know if I'm doing everything right right now, they just pop themselves. They're like, no, it's not worth it. They can make another one of me.

I don't, and that's how it's the only way that it works because we all have to work together to make a large organism. It's amazing that they can and do so effectively in not just an us, but in all of the organisms, multicellular organisms on Earth. Yeah. Yeah, it is a pretty remarkable, um, it's one of the, it's one of the weirdest things. Yeah.

Yeah, well, because they don't think of themselves, This is a cell inside of an organism. I mean, it doesn't think of itself at all. But it doesn't understand itself as still not working, but okay, still not working. But you know what I mean. You're right. I actually don't know how to approach this because it doesn't approach this because it doesn't a cell inside of an organism does not act as if it is the organism. On, on less than until it becomes cancer, like that is the moment it starts to act like an organism. Right. Which is the wild thing about like, when a cell starts to say,

oh, natural selection is supposed to make about success, about creating more of me, and I'm going to create more of me, and I'm going to overcome all of the systems that prevent me from overcoming, creating more of me. That is what cancer is. And that's why cancer is such a weird disease because there are lots of ways for that to happen, which makes it many different diseases. That's why cancer is such a weird disease because there are lots of ways for that to happen, which makes it many different diseases.

Right. Which is really cool. There's a great book about that. Is it called The Emperor of Almalities by Siddhartha Mukherjee? No. But that one might be another one. It's great book. It was very important for me when I was writing the fault in our stars and understanding

how to write about cancer without romanticizing cancer or people who live with it. It's called the cheating cell. So this is a, it's really a cell bio, a cellular biology perspective on cancer. Interesting. Yeah, the emperor of all maladies takes a sort of historical look, but it's written by a oncologist. So obviously also has a lot of detail. It's a really fascinating book. And I know we're way off topic now, but if you're interested in reading more about human responses to cancer and historical human responses

to cancer and how catastrophic they've often been for both the patient and families of patients, I really recommend reading Susan Sontag's cancer and its metaphors. All right, John, I want to know how AFC Wimbledon is doing. Oh, not great. We dropped into the relegation zone for the first time this season, albeit briefly,

we were saved by a goal by Bolton wanderers that put more come back in the relegation zone. But AFC Wimbledon out of their last five games, we've drawn three and we've lost two. We scored first. I had a great conversation with Alice actually. It was a really lovely moment where I realized that Alice is achieving sentience. As an AFC Wimbledon fan because I said, Alice, Ethan Chislett scored for Wimbledon in the third minute and were one nil up. And she said, how many more minutes? And I said, what? And she said, how many more minutes and I said what and she said how many more minutes in the game and I said 87 and she said Oh no And indeed oh no

Yeah, we lost that game we lost that game 3 2 And didn't look great doing it so it's been We have signed a striker to replace the striker that Ryan Reynolds bought from us. So I guess that's a bit of good news, but in terms of the results on the field, it has not been very good. Look, AFs, I say this all the time,

but for Wimbledon fans, the most important thing is not the result of a particular game. It's making sure that the team is in a financial place where it can stay fan-owned and have its stadium and build from there. Losing that would be much worse than losing any game or getting relegated out of any league. And so when I look at what's hopeful about AFC Wilden right now, I think about the Plow Lane Bond, in which all these Wimbledon fans are coming together and loaning the club money,

and you get your money back with an interest payment, but the interest payment is smaller than what the interest payment would be for a bank. And that kind of creative, finding creative ways to have the community own the club is how Wimbledon got to the third tier of English football. And so that's where I find hope at the moment. As for our new striker, I'd like to tell you a little bit about him. Okay. The most important thing,

the thing that you've got to remember is that we needed, Oli Palmer was a classic small bottom big, a big person with a small bottom. Right. And we needed to replace him with another small bottom big. And we did our name is Sam Cosgrove and he's huge. He is the biggest with person.

I have ever seen play for AFC Wimbledon except for autobiography. That's a big one. And he is just as a tiny bottom. He's perfect structurally for the job. He's only, he's 25 years old. That seems to be a good age for a soccer player. Yeah. The only downside to having Sam Cosgrove on our team

is that we already have a player named Aaron Cosgrave and I find that problematic. Oh, that's not bothering me. I've found a great picture of his bottom. Yeah, yeah, it's not big. It's barely there, which is ideal. As I said, that is exactly what we need. But I bet he can kick a ball.

So has he played for you yet? He's also six foot four. Six foot four. Has he played for you yet? Yeah, he played a little bit in the three-two loss. He looked good. He looked good. I mean, we were off the pace as a team,

but I thought, you know, I have a lot of hope. All we need to do, I say this every season, but all we need to do is do what we've done for the last five years, which is finish 20th. And it would be nice, but it's not going to happen for us to do it with some games to spare. But in a state, it'd be stressful with every game. It'd be great to do it even with two games to spare.

Because so far, we've only ever done it with one game to spare or zero. All right, John, well, in Mars news, it seems that helicopters might glow in the dark on Mars. Oh, what? That is a prediction provided by scientists using some lab measurements and computer models to study how drones on Mars might set off small electric currents in the atmosphere. Wow. So this is cool. drones on Mars might set off small electric currents in the atmosphere. Ah, wow. So this is cool. It's called turboelectric charging.

When friction moves, electrical charges between two things, like a person rubbing a balloon on their head, on Mars, that might happen when the blades of a Martian drone, like the ingenuity helicopter, spin around and they get dust grains on their surface. And as the blades hit the grain, there could be a transfer of charge

and an electric field building up on the blades, which would then get the atmosphere to start conducting electricity, which would then maybe make a current that would offset the charge. And basically be like sparks in the air. To us, that would look like a purpley glow, but we would only see it if it was dark.

And unfortunately, the ingenuity helicopter doesn't fly at dusk. So we won't see it glow in the dark ourselves, but maybe we would in the future, which would be cool to see that drones doing their Mars things and be like, oh, there's some drones going by. You can hear them and you can also see their little purple glow. Yeah, like almost like an Aurora Borealis, but the Martian version. Yeah, this is also a thing that can happen on Earth when helicopters fly in dusty environments.

Oh, I don't think I've ever seen that. I have to say there. I'm trying to see it right now. Yeah, that'd be cool. Well, that's exciting, Hank. It's very cool to think about a world where there are lots of people on Mars looking up at their sort of like ghostly purple drones flying by. Yeah, I got to say, I feel like if nothing else, it's great for science fiction.

That's right. It's very true. That's the, all of the science fiction writers will now incorporate that into their Mars stories and it will be great. Yes. Well, John, thank you for making a podcast with me. As always, and thank you to everybody for sending any questions without which

this podcast would not exist and be really boring because we just talk about TGI Fridays the whole time. Yeah. Hey, we're off to record our Patreon only podcast this week in Wordal, where Hank and I attempt to do Wordal together live as a podcast at patreon.com slash to your Hank and John. And you can also get access to our monthly live shows where Hank and I really go deep. To do some therapy on each other.

We just did it today and man, we went real deep. Yeah, we took into some stuff from the past. Yeah. Woof. Yeah. So yeah, patreon.com slash hankin' john. Thanks for everybody for sittin' through that. I think a lot of the people are a little bit like,

I don't remember any of the stuff you're talkin' about right now, but we very much. They not it for a while. This podcast is edited by Joseph Tune of Metashits, produced by Rosie on a Huls for a Huls. Our Communications Coordinator is Julie Obloh Metashits, produced by Rosiana Halls-Froha. Our communications coordinator is Julia Bloom, our editorial assistant, is Debokit Jrockervarti.

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