Dear Hank & John - 326: The Best of Dear Hank and John, Vol. 3

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

From exploding shower doors to unsneezing doctors, here's a collection of some of Dear Hank and John's most memorable moments from episodes 200 to 300 (ish)! There's also a bunch of dad jokes. If you need a refresher on some dubious advice, Hank Green and John Green have you covered!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and Jon. Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear Jon and Hank. It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you to be a surprise and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and FC Wimbledon Jon. You know, I really feel like I know what's going to happen in the year 2020. I just, I see it so clearly. This is going to be some kind of 2020 pun. That's it, that was it.

I did the, that was it. Oh, that's the joke. That's the joke. Done. Speaking of being untethered in time, do you know what the best time of the day is? Pfft. Yeah, I mean, I do.

It's like the two or three seconds after I wake up, but before the dread descends. Does that happen at 6.30? Because I think that the best time of day is 6.30, hands down. 6.30 hands down. Oh, the hands of the clock. Yeah, they're down. That's when the hands are down.

John, you know, originally people put pumpkins on their doorsteps to scare people away, to scare away potential burglars. Did you know this? No. They were security gords. Yeah. I mean, it's okay.

And John, this week, Catherine asked me if I could clear the table and I looked at her and I said, I bet I could if I got a running start. I mean, the reason that's a funny joke is because I could definitely couldn't. I've seen you jump. John, I was just at the store trying to get a Thanksgiving turkey. And they just weren't, they just weren't very many of them. And they were all quite small. And I said, did they, did they get any bigger to the, to one of the employees of the grocery store? And they said to me, looked straight in the eyes and said, they said, man, no, they're dead. John. You know, your sock is a hole in it?

I didn't know that my sock had a hole in it. Well, how old's would you get your foot in there? Oh, John. Yeah. Why was 2019 so afraid of 2020? Why? Because they had a fight and 2021. It's not a good joke.

John, a man just threw some milk at me. Oh, did he? How dare he? Oh, God, no. John, yeah, we had a pretty good childhood. Remember when dad used to take us to that hill and put us in tires and roll us down, roll us down the hill?

Only vaguely. Yeah, those were good years. Those were good years. I really, did he do that? I don't actually remember that. No. Okay. No.

John, spring is here. And as I look out my window, I can see that a side of that spring on my lilac tree, what a relief. No, boy. John, my breath is coming up and I've decided what I want you to get me. Oh, great. I want you to get me a very small abacus because I've heard that it's the little things that count.

That was pretty good. Thanks. John, it's Catherine's birthday today as this podcast is coming out. And she asked for a Pixar movie about a young boy and an old man who become friends on and they take a huge adventure all over the world with balloons and talking dogs and etc. And I just couldn't get it for her. Why not? Why am I getting a recruit? Because I'm never going to give her up. I'm never going to give her up. I'm never gonna give her up, I'm never gonna give her up. She can't have up. That's my joke.

That was good. That was good. We're gonna for a while. Yeah, and I appreciate, I always appreciate a Rick Roll. I especially appreciate a Rick Roll that I truly do not see coming. Dear Hank and John, what's up with Kazoo's? Thanks Sarah. It's a great question. Do you know that the Kazoo is the oldest musical instrument?

Wow. Like in terms of documentation and the history of the world? Really? I would have definitely thought it was like a flute. No, the Kazoo came first. Wow, why do we call it a Kazoo? We call it a Kazoo because in ancient Mesopotamia, that was the name for it.

Oh, isn't that wild? I definitely assumed that is the Sanskrit word for a kazoo. I definitely assumed that kazoo was like a brand name from the 1950s. Kazoo's, it sounds like a brand name from the 1950s. Cazoo's, it sounds like a brand name from the 1950s. Cazoo's are so old that one of the earliest examples of written language refers to a kazoo. Whoa. How long can I keep doing this before Hank realizes

that I am full of crap? Oh man, Oh man! It seemed, it seemed possible to me. Dear Hank Adjohn, I recently came into possession of 50 pounds of onions and 25 pounds of potatoes. I live in a small studio apartment, so while I appreciate the, like, root vegetables, they've taken up a considerable amount of space in my living area. Beyond French onions, super ding dong ditching them at my neighbor's doorstep. I'm at a loss for what to do with all these vegetables. Any dewey advice would be greatly appreciated with layers of deep rooted issues.

Sophie, that's great. We've got layers which are onions and deep rooted which are potatoes. Yeah, that's, I think that's how we got there. So, hey, I think you'll agree with me that the 50 pounds of onions is the issue here because 25 pounds of potatoes is like a five-day supply of potatoes. I can get through 25 pounds of potatoes, for sure. Like, you could have, like, potatoes are on every meal thing. Though onions can be too, and onions and potatoes together are very good. Yeah. But like a two-to-one ratio of onion to potato maybe is too much onion per potato.

You can get 50 pounds of onions for $11.29. Why don't I do that? How onion... wait... per onion. How onion wait per onion? That's what Google does to us. About 4.34 ounces. Okay, actually, you know what? That's a lot of onions. It's like 30. It's 200. It's 200. No, an onion does not weigh four ounces. A tiny raw onion average weight, 4.34 ounces, according to onions dash USA dot org. I mean, we are talking, we're talking about onions dash USA

dot org. We're not talking about some kind of off brand website. That's just estimated. This isn't like a map my calories or whatever. They literally, their website is called all about onions. And the first thing is nature's ninja. It is the onion of phenom of mother nature that deserves higher praise for its stealth, its endurance, and its adaptability and sustainability with its nutrients that help you ward off diseases when you eat. It's also a major action hero slaying bacteria and bugs in the fight just to get on the table. It provides amazing flavor to any meal and it's useful in other ways, such as dying fabrics, curing bee stings, cleaning grills or feeding sheep. I did not like that uphank. That is from onions-usa.org.

America's leading onions information site. The National Onion Association. I rescind my criticism. I'm sure that onions weigh what they say. We have to trust expertise in our society and that means when somebody comes along and says, we are the National Onion Association, the chief advocate of this nature's ninja, which we have branded and animated on the website with a sword, which she must be very careful with because everyone knows that the eventual fate of all onions is the sword. I think that the National Union Association might have developed to this ad campaign, like,

during the fruit ninja craze to make the argument that, like, onions are nature's ninja, but it's working in 2020 for me. I have to say, I'm hungry for some onions right now. Here's some reasons why the onion is nature's ninja. You just told me a bunch already, there's more. Can I just re-read? This is the actual National Onion Association website on its product onions.

A phenom of mother nature that deserves higher praise for its stealth, its endurance, its adaptability and sustainability. It's stealth, its endurance, its adaptability and sustainability. It's stealth. It's stealth. You know what? I have never applied a certain adjective to an onion and it's that it can hide from me well.

I've never like where are they? Yeah. I can't find it. Yeah. Sophie's like, I wish they were a little stealthier. I can't keep stepping my toe on them. Wait. Notable, quotable onions? Hmm. Okay. I'm back on I'm back on onions USA now

This is now this is this is officially now in onions only podcast. I mean this is a really good website You list these S Grant said I will not move my army without onions Wow, so take that Sophie you are in a better situation than you list's S grant was when he won the American Civil War. So consider yourself. Yes, he did it all by himself. Sophie, he did it. He just hit an onions. They give him 50 pounds of onions and he marched south and won the war. That's exactly what happened. History with Hank, if he can do it, you can do it. So if you're looking for some recipes, there's a really good section of the National Onion Association website. That's all about, it's not just about recipes for food. You've got

to remember that they're the business of selling onions. So it's recipes that use way more onions than you think are necessary. Their recipe for Pesto involves one onion. That's more than is necessary. That's hilarious. They're delicious recipes. You will when you eat the National Onion Association's recipes, you will find yourself thinking, it can really, really taste the onion. Good job.

Dear John and Hank, but mostly John, it's my favorite kind of question. Several times on this podcast, John, you have referred to things as being a level one emergency. This is not just a podcast there. And it's not just a joke either. It's not. John will call things a level one emergency when it's not just a joke either. It's not. John will call things a level one emergency when it's a really big deal. And it is, it's not pleasant.

It doesn't make me feel good. It doesn't make anything better to realize the height of the level of the emergency. But regardless, continue. I find it helpful. And we can talk, we can unpack it today. Okay. Are there other emergency levels? Of course there are Taylor.

Of course there are. And if so, what is the scale and what constitutes a level one emergency versus another emergency classifying catastrophes, Taylor? So Taylor, I want you to imagine, as I do when I am encountering an emergency, that you are in a large building with many floors, say nine floors, and you are looking down at an emergency. If you're on the ninth floor and you're looking down at the emergency, you can barely even see the emergency. And it will probably resolve without you even interacting with the emergency, right? That's a level nine emergency.

So an example of a level nine emergency would be you have a colder flu virus that will likely resolve on its own. Okay. You get to like a level eight, level seven emergency. That's the situation where you might have to open a window and shout some advice, you know, down to the emergency. Do something. You might have to do something, but nothing extreme. When you get to a level one emergency tailor, you're on the same floor as the emergency. The emergency is coming for you. This is helpful to know. The emergency is spilling into your building. And I think it is important. Hank disagrees with me. I think it is important when you are having a level one emergency to immediately acknowledge it, because it changes your behavior.

Well, it also... You're not in a level eight emergency situation where you can just call down some advice. You are in a level one emergency. Okay. So this is extremely helpful. I'm so glad, Taylor, that you asked this question. Because I have always imagined that a level one emergency

is the biggest emergency that can happen. It is. No, it's not. It's an emergency that you need to interface with right now. There are many levels of emergencies that one needs to interface with right now. There's like, I am currently being consumed by a shark. Are you telling me that there's a level

one half emergency and I've just never encountered it? No, you've got what you were saying. If this is a thing that we need to deal with right now. And I think there's a great thing to have a word for that, especially when you're trying to communicate to someone that you love, that this is how you feel about this situation. And you need them to get on board with you in that moment.

Right, that's exactly what a level one emergency is. So I think that's great, that's smart. We got to deal with this right now. Yes, and there are many things that we have to deal with right now. And there's like, there's like, I'm being eaten by a shark. And there's, we left the kids, uh, levies. They're little stuffed toys at the hotel, which is the first time I heard you use the phrase level one emergency. To be fair, that was a level one emergency.

It was. Well, now that I know what a level one emergency is, it was. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, the only time that I've ever been bit by a shark, the first thing I said was, this is a level one emergency. I needed to shark to understand that I needed need to understand it. And I needed all the people around to understand it immediately. Where did you get bit by a shark? I did, I did it. I didn't, I didn't, I made that up. You think that I could? I did it. I did it. I did it.

I made that up. You think I could, first off, I mean, how would I ever get bit by a shark? I don't know. I have a friend who got bit by a shark and it was like at Miami Beach. She was just in the water at Miami Beach, but like it was a little shark. So she has the coolest scar of all time. Oh, I bet that's a really cool scar. Secondly, if I ever got bit by a shark,

how many seconds do you think it would take me to tell the world I got bit by a shark? Wouldn't take four years of podcasting before I heard the story of Don getting bit by a shark. Yeah, that's a good point, John. So you can be on the news. No, you wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. You would be making a video about it, though. The truth is that I would probably spend two to three months crafting my narrative around being bitten by the shark and making sure that I was retroactively applying a lot of thoughts and feelings to the experience of being bitten by a shark that in a moment I definitely didn't have. You are way too self-aware, oh God.

But I would definitely, definitely have told you that I got bitten by a shark. Yeah, I agree. I want to ask this question about Irish settlers, just because I think it's so weird. It's from Robin who writes, dear John and Hank, when I was a kid in the 70s, Irish settlers were everywhere.

I think that's the name. I think you may be looking for Irish settlers. I think that you may be looking for Irish settlers. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. John, just so you know my neighbor is mowing his lawn. So that's happening and it's the situation that we live in. Lou asks, dear Hank and John, it is well known that the country of Italy has shaped like a boot. So recently I was wondering what shoe size it would be if it was a real boot. Unfortunately I couldn't find the answer on the internet. That is shocking to me. I wear size six shoes, Lou.

That I cannot believe that we don't know what size boot Italy is. That is unacceptable. So we know the approximate size of the boot. Do we? Yeah. Okay. So Hank, we know I think the approximate size of the shoe in question.

Okay. Because if you look at the, if you look at a map of Italy, there's a heel to the boot. Mm-hmm. And that heel is, I think, the giveaway. Because we don't know how far up the boot goes, right? It could be knee length, they could go all the way up to your thighs. Sure, sure, yeah.

But I mean, the shoe size isn't about where it goes, it's about. Right. It's about the foot part. Yeah. And my argument is that that's about a four inch heel. I don't think it's like an eight inch heel because there's not like a huge platform to the foot part of the foot.

So I would argue that's a four inch heel in which case, by my rough calculations, that is an American size eight and a half shoe. No, John, I think you're deeply misunderstanding both how heels work and how shoe sizes work. I'm not misunderstanding how either. I'm about to, I am ready to die on this hill. What, wait, what we have to know is how big the boot is.

What do you mean we have to know how big the boot is? We have to know how far it is from the toe to the heel. That's the size of the shoe. Yes, but we can't, I realize that heck. It's from, the size of the shoe isn't from where the toe to the heel, meaning the spiked heel, it's to where the humans heel. Like if there was a giant who put on Italy,

how big would that giant's feet be? It would not be size eight and a half, you'd fall right over. No. So what you need is the distance of glory. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you've completely misunderstood. First off, Italy, Hank, and I know this is gonna come as a surprised

you, is not actually a boot. Okay. This is the question, John. Yes. Read me the question again, because I am 100% correct. I'm about to get in a fight. Well, there's a lot of tension in the room. I was wondering what shoe size Italy would be if it were a real boot. Yes. Is what Lew asks. Right. So if there was a boot with that from where the that was the size of Italy, what size would it be? Okay, so I think we have a different understanding of the phrase real boot. Yeah, no, a real boot, the size of Italy with a 440 kilometer heel to toe distance. Okay, that is your understanding of the phrase real boot. My understanding of the phrase real boot is a boot that exists, i.e. a real, if you will, boot. In any case, I've figured

it out. And the boot, the size of Italy would be size around 17 million. Okay. Roughly. Okay. Between 10 and 20 million would be the size. But if that's a four inch heel, Italy's about at eight and a half. Dear John and Hank, we found a snake in our apartment. This is one of my top 10 personal. One time we had a mouse in our apartment in New York City,

and for about nine months every night, I dreamt of the mouse. After I saw it, one time I would dream of, it's just, there's nothing more I love in this world than seeing a wild mammal outdoors. It just makes me so happy. Even if it's something silly, like a chipmunker, squirrel, I'm just like,

oh, mammals, live in your lives. You don't need any of this stuff. Yeah, you don't need us. In fact, we are a problem. But when I see a mammal inside, that's not a mammal, I have consciously welcomed into my home, such as one of my children or a pet or something.

There's, it just drives me crazy. Now I know that a snake is not a mammal. It's worse than a mammal. I'm so scary. It's easier to catch a snake. Weirdly. Ooh. And like, I don't know.

I feel like a mouse is so close. Like every part of a mouse is very close to the bitey part whereas a lot of a snake is pretty far away from the bitey part. No, I don't agree with that at all. And also that don't take snake wrangling advice. My God. Look, what you gotta do, I've seen it on TV. You're grabbing

by the tail and you have a stick and you just push their head away. It works every time on TV. When I see trade professionals do it. That's right. We got the crocodile hunter here. Okay. Well, actually, as we continue on through the question, John, there is a picture of this person holding the snake in their hand. It's true. And I have to say that as snakes go, this is not the most intimidating snake I've ever seen. It appears to be... It looks hungry.

It looks about shoelace. Yeah. Shape to me, I would say that it's sort of a shoelace style snake. Whereas the snakes I fear are more like belt snakes. Anyway, we sent pics to my roommate's mom snake guy. First off, Taylor, I have so many questions about every aspect of your question. But yeah, why does your roommates mom have a snake guy? Anyway, we sent pictures to my roommate's mom snake guy. And he says that this snake is not native to here. Taylor again, you could have just said where.

And also she's a baby like younger than they usually are sold. So the snake guy thinks someone in our apartment is secretly breeding snakes. Oh my God. Okay, Taylor's roommate's mom snake guy coming in clutch with the vital information. What if this is a recently hatched baby that is not in Devinck to the area or native to the area where it has been found?

This has gone from like a three alarm crisis to a four alarm crisis just in the last two sentences, but it gets worse. Okay. Oh my God. Really? What if he's right and more snakes get out? Like, I have accepted that I have to take care of this one snake. I am her snake parent, but I'm worried that if there are many more of these and they're just babies, what's going to happen to them? Many thanks Taylor.

PS, this is Humphrey. We named her when we thought that she was a boy and we will absolutely not be changing it, which I congratulate you on every part of this response, Taylor. You have taken a snake that you do not need to care for and you have chosen to care for it, which is heroic work. And you have named the snake Humphrey, which is the single greatest snake name in the history of our species. It's very good. And also you've acquired a great deal of information about the snake. And I do know that snakes don't tend to be born one at a time. Oh, God. They usually, usually a bunch of them.

And by born, I mean a hatch out of eggs. Usually sometimes some snakes are live born, John, which is very weird. But I don't know what kind of snake this is. So I can't say for sure because I am not tailors or made some of my snake guys. Unfortunately, though maybe, maybe it's something to aspire to. roommates mom snake guy. Unfortunately, though maybe that may be something to aspire to. I mean, Taylor, everybody's got everybody is like four degrees away from the snake guy.

Like we can accept this. I'm not. Yeah, you are. I don't have a single roommate who has a mom who has a snake guy. I can tell you that right now. You have a brother who has a snake guy. Though the guy is not a guy. It's Jesse from Animal Wonders. Oh my God. So you're three degrees. Oh my God, I have a brother who has a snake person. You're right, Hank.

Yeah, I probably have several snake people, honestly. So Taylor, I don't want to make accusations that are unfounded, but I would look at the roommate whose mom has a snake guy that are unfounded. But I would look at the roommate whose mom has a snake guy as a potential source of this snake. Snakes have their slithery, and they have their own goals,

so they can go places. One time when I lived in Chicago, I came home to my apartment one afternoon, and there was an iguana in the apartment. Well, here we go. And I was pretty sure what had happened, you know, so I went down stairs with the iguana and I said, um, Hey, are you missing an iguana? And they were like, no.

And I was like, are, are you sure? And they're like, yeah, no, our iguana is here. And I was like, do you want a double check? And then they came back like 30 seconds later and they were like, oh, no, Argonne is here. And I was like, do you want a double check? And then they came back like 30 seconds later and they were like, oh, yeah, that is Argonne. And I was like, here you go. That's fantastic. Yeah, we have no idea, we don't even know,

that's the best case circumstance with the lost pet is that somebody shows up at your house and is like, did you lose your pet and you're like, no, but that is my dog. Right here. You're saved all of the work. Yeah. I mean, it does seem like the sort of situation where you do a canvas and you're like,

hey, did you lose a snake? Or did you knowingly let a snake get pregnant? Is that what happens? I don't know what happens. Yeah, I think I don't, I actually, I'm not sure. There's a number of people. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. I wanna revise, if this is a game of clue,

I would like to revise my accusation. Is it just a snake guy? You think it's the snake guy? I think it's the roommates mom. I think the roommates mom found herself with one too many snakes, and she was like, I can't believe I let 75 snakes hatch on my watch. I have to get rid of all these snakes,

and so you're just like, giving people pies with snakes inside. Oh God. Undo, undo, undo, undo. Unanswer the question, move on, uncancel, control Z. Probably, no, it's just like, when she like did your laundry, she slipped a snake in.

Please, no, no, no, no, please. I was gonna happen. First off, if your mom is doing your laundry when you have an apartment, and you live somewhere else, and she slips a snake in there, like that's the cost of doing business. I mean, that's perfectly acceptable behavior. Uh-huh. You deserve

a Humphrey. If it's in a baked pie. No. Well, yeah, because like, well, there's a bunch of problems with that idea, a ton. So I don't think a pie would be the correct delivery mechanism. I want to go back to before I knew that. There's no, you know nothing. I want to live in a world without that image so bad way. Like, it's slithering out of like a beautiful key lime pie. And I'm, I think it's kind of cute. It's got a little hat on my ring on it in my head. Oh, goodness gracious. Little meringue have.

Oh boy. I think as you should ask around, because this might be someone else's snake. And if it's not, it's your snake now. John, this next question comes from TQ, who asks, steer hank and john, why are piggy banks universally piggy banks?

Why are pigs that chose an animal? If you were to choose an animal to replace the pig, which animal would that be? TQ, well first it's not universal. I've definitely had and seen piggy banks that are various shapes, but it is definitely, even those are called piggy banks.

Yeah. Why are they called piggy banks? They're called, we don't know. Oh, there's, there's, there's, there's, thanks to that great trivia. Well, look, here's the situation. I think it's important to talk about the times when we don't know, but also that there are,

that there are thoughts and that there is lots of people trying to figure it out. And maybe we will someday know the answer. But one guess is that there's a type of clay called pig clay, which is pygg and it's used to make earthenware. So like, you know, plates and dishes and stuff. And it was also made used to make pots. And they would people would just be like, okay, I'm going to put my coins into this pot. And this would be my pig bank, possibly is where that came from. But it seems like the like the existence of using a of a using a thing to store your money in goes back before pig clay existed. But maybe the transition was like,

and then you would just call, that sort of happened, and then pig clay happened. They called it a pig bank, and then they started to make it into the shape of a pig because they called it a pig bank. That's one thought, but there are others, including the fact that in China, the pig is a symbol of affluence,

and that that may have transported along trade routes to with these things that are designed to be sold so that you can store your money in them until you need the money and then you destroy them. Which we have ruined by the way. Yeah, now we have this little plug. Yeah, because the original idea of the piggy bank was that you had to destroy the bank

to get the money out, which made it an effective savings tool because you would think like, well, I want 10 cents, to destroy the bank to get the money out, which made it an effective savings tool because you would think, well, I want 10 cents, but not enough to destroy the piggy bank. Right. Now, the piggy bank has been destroyed on many different levels. There's a little plug at the bottom that allows the money to just fall out, which makes the piggy bank sort of useless as a savings tool. And then there's the fact that coins aren't worth anything.

And in many cases, coins are worth negative money because it takes like two cents to make one penny and it takes like eight point two cents to make one nickel. And so the continued existence of piggy banks is like an anachronism. Yeah, you have to put dollars in there. Right. It's not just coins.

You know, an interesting fact about Hank is that when he was a kid, he did not keep his money in piggy banks because he knew that that was not safe. And so what he did instead was he had all these trophies, not from finishing first place. He had all these like fourth place. Like everybody, everybody got a trophy at the soccer thing. Yeah. He got it. Yeah, he had a lot of trophies that every other player

on the soccer team also got. Those are the kinds of trophies he had, but he had a number of them. And he would unscrew the trophies and unscrew all the parts of them. And then there would be these little hollow spheres. And he would roll up bills very methodically and then stuff them inside of these hollow spheres.

And then he had his, he had money like hidden inside of his Walkman, I remember. Yeah, he had like a cassette tape Walkman. And he had like a $20 bill like carefully folded like right in the base of the Walkman. I was super honored. And all of this, this all of these strategies were designed to prevent me from stealing Hank's money.

And part, and part it was just like my obsession and like over and like kind of like troubling obsession with the being surrounded by money. Not like the things you might buy with it, but just the money, like Scrooge, McDuck. And when did that end? Yeah, we're working on it. Right. Hank would go to all these elaborate lengths to hide his precious, precious money. I mean, he treated every nickel like Frodo treats the ring. I mean, he, it were it. I've never seen anything like it. He just coveted, coveted all forms of money.

I did. I did. I did. I never spent. I did. I didn't want other people's money. I wanted my money. I didn't covet money. I know, but you wanted as much of it as possible. I wanted it. And you wanted. Yeah. And you wanted to never spend any of it

ever no matter what. Yeah. I got over that and when I got an magic gathering. Yeah. Because then I was like, these cards will be worth money someday. And they would have been if I hadn't traded them and sold them for like, basically the same

amount I bought them before, I could have been a contender. I could have had a, you've been a selling like original reserved shiv and dragons and syngier vampires. The reason I'm telling the story Hank keeps trying to do rail is that Hank would like go out on a play date or for a bike ride or something and out of unscrew those trophies, and I would like carefully pull out the 20s and maybe replace them with a five. And then I would go buy stuff

because that's the purpose of money. Money exists to facilitate the exchange of goods and services. And I bought stuff. Did I feel guilty? Yes, I felt guilty. I mean, part of me felt like his money was our money, a feeling that I still have. Right. Like, you know, like part of me felt like our family's money is our family's money. And like the fact that this amount has been assigned to Hank is unfair anyway.

Yeah. Because he has so much more than I do. Does he have more than I do? Because I spent a bunch, yes. But like, still, he has so much more. So I. Does he have more than I do because I spent a bunch? Yes, but still he has so much more. So I did this for years. I felt terrible about it, but I kept doing it because it was very convenient. And also, a lot of times I had to buy things that were illicit, that I didn't want my parents to know about. So I couldn't go to my parents and be like,

hey, can I borrow $8 for four packs of cigarettes? And so I did this for many years. And I always felt really bad about it until... Yeah, well, this is the thing. The summer... I forgive you for stealing my money. Do you forgive me? Oh, for... My first selling...

First selling... Your Carl Yostremsky rookie card? You sold my Carl Yostremsky rookie card. You sold all my baseball cards, thanks. So to give you a full accounting of which baseball cards you sold, I would have to list all of the baseball cards I had, which was many, many thousands. Yeah, but the Carl Yostremsky was the most valuable one.

I don't think I sold thousands because I don't think people wanted all of them. But you have these things that were basically money, but you couldn't spend them. That's true. In the end, what you did to me was very similar to what I did to you. And the value proposition is probably about equal. There is one big difference. Like a good God-fearing American, when I stole money from you, Hank, I spent it immediately. Whereas when you sold those baseball cards

on eBay this summer that I wasn't living in Orlando without my permission, you still have that money, but I don't spend the dollar of it. I learned to steal half it. It's probably invested in some solar stock right now. I learned about commerce and business and how to run a small business. And it was really valuable. Thank you, John, for helping me learn.

It's true. The first company that Hank was the CEO of was called Selling John's Baseball Cards Limited. Yeah, which reminds me that this podcast is brought to you by John's baseball cards limited. John's baseball cards probably somebody still got that Carl you're Strymsky somewhere. Today's five guys is all brought to you by the level one emergency, the level one emergency it's closer than you think. This podcast is also brought to you by Ulysses S. Grant. Ulysses S. Grant. Fueled by onions.

And today's podcast is, of course, brought to you by Taylor's roommates, moms, snake guy, Taylor's roommates, moms, snake guy, your source for snake information since earlier in 2020. So Hank is having some kind of problem with his phone and his Bluetooth headphones aren't working. So we may lose Hank and this may be a John only podcast. My dream's finally coming true. Yeah, I have a wired, I have wired headphones, but I got a new phone and I have a dongle

that's, you know, headphone jack to USB-C. Right. And I plug it in, it just hangs up on John immediately. Yeah. So I was like, well, I'll use my Bluetooth headphones, but they're running out of batteries now. They just beeped in my ears just now. And like, this isn't, it's a headphone to USB-C dongle.

Why doesn't it work with my new phone? Well, the whole emergence of the dongle in the 21st century is one of, to me, one of the great surprises. If you'd shown me a laptop computer from 1999 and you'd said to me, like, everything about this computer is going to be better in 20 years. It's going to be faster. It's going to be sleeker. It's going to be lighter. It's going to have more memory. The battery is going to last longer. Just one thing.

battery's gonna last longer. Just one thing, you've got to carry dongles with you everywhere you go all the time. And then like 1990 itself is like, did you just say it? I'm sorry, what is it? Is that what? What, did you, who, I mean, I know all words are made up. But that one's definitely made up, right?

So they could have come up with any word since this is a new idea right and the word They chose out of all the words that were available is dongle But but the most to be clear that's the best thing about dongles. Oh, my phone is the best part by far I mean It's like what is the difference between this USBC and that USBC? Obviously something. Almost every Tuesday.

I have to get a new frickin' dongle. Almost every Tuesday, when I have to find a dongle to get the footage that I have filmed into my computer to edit a vlog brother's video. Yeah. At some point, I have to call my spouse and I have to say, I am, as I am every Tuesday, a 42 year old man looking for a dongle. Do you have any idea where the dongle might be?

Just a man who's lost his dongle. Dear John and Hank, how much sand can I take from the beach before it becomes immortal? Nope. Thanks, Kevin. That's not what it says. How much sand can I owe? That makes me worse. What is your secret becoming immortal? The sand was imagining that if you took enough sand away from the beach, that the sand that you've removed from the beach would become a kind of sand monster that needs to return to the beach and then spend the rest of all time like trying to reunite with its former self. So I had to figure out how much sand it takes to make that immortal sand monster, but it turns out the question is a little bit different. The question is how much and can I take from the beach before it becomes immoral. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in a manner of speaking, I had a stressful weekend, a lot of work on this new Partners in Health project, also, Pete's office is coming up,

the Let It Snow Netflix movie is coming out soon. There's just a bunch of things happening, so I was working late on Sunday night, and I got to the point which rarely happens to me where I was answering emails, and I started to make mistakes. I started to just have errors in the email, pasting the wrong link or whatever, and I was like, okay,, you know, like I started to just have like errors in the email like like pasting the wrong link or whatever and I was like, okay, this is

it. This is ridiculous. I need to go to bed. I'm going to get eight hours of sleep. It's going to be magical. I lay down. I was going to get eight hours of sleep. I went to sleep. I was in the deepest sleep of my life and at one 15 in the morning, there was a huge explosion from the master bathroom. I don't know how it's to describe it. It was like the largest Lego sculpture ever created, all fell apart all at once. It was, was there actually a Lego sculpture in there?

Well, that was my first thought. My first thought was, why is Henry playing with a very large Lego sculpture at one 15 in the morning? I jump out of bed, I scream like bloody murder, I open the door and I don't know how it's to describe this except to say that the glass of our shower had exploded into like a hundred fifty thousand pieces. Yeah, yeah, that's how they do it now for safety. It had exploded all at once.

It was such an unbelievable scene that my first thought was, well, I guess somebody shot up our bathroom. That's weird. So weird place to aim. And so then all night long, my dreams were all about like, why did people shoot our bathroom? So mean.

Did you do anything? Did you just see it and then go back to sleep? You're like, I don't have time for this right now. Yeah, so- I will use a different bathroom. The main thing I did was I held Sarah by the shoulders and I said Sarah, we're both really tired and this is a very strange experience.

So I just want to confirm two things. One, that it happened. And two, that there's not some larger thing that we're missing. Right? Like, we just need to make sure is there water pouring out of things? Right. Yeah.

Like, is there a reason this happened that now requires further attention? Or do we just go to sleep with a bunch of glass all over the place? Yeah, and the answer was number two. Yeah, that's great. a bunch of glass all over the place. Yeah. And the answer was number two. Yeah, that's great. I'm glad. I'm some super happy. We went to sleep with a bunch of glass over the place. And in the morning, when I woke up, I rolled over and Sarah was reading about this on the internet. And she said, this is surprisingly common.

Okay. So if you're out there, yeah. and one night your glass shower explodes, just know that it's totally normal. Here's what happened. We decided that shower curtains were too groty and wrinkly and just not pretty enough so we installed these big beautiful plates of safety glass that occasionally explode We're always like cavemen grog and ug and I'm like no they would have had beautiful names or not I mean there's a lot of like beautiful languages out there Hank But like maybe it all sounded like Dutch and it just sounded like they were all clear in their throats Wow gosh, oh that's that's honestly all the Dutch people listening are just nodding in, in acknowledgement.

They know it's not a bad thing. It's a great language. It's extremely expressive. It's just like a lot of. All right. Keep going, John. And you know more about the Dutch than I do. You lived there for a while.

I, I, I'm sorry if I hurt any Dutch people's feelings by saying that the language involves a lot of, but it does. That's not, I mean, look, American English to be clear is hideous. I'm aware like I, I hear would British people do American accents. I'm always like, oh, that's what we sound like.

We do make a lot of, eh, eh, eh, no, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh that banks should never be regulated. Okay. I don't have enough cars. Hahaha. Do you have any mayonnaise for this sandwich? Hahaha. Alright, alright, that's a little too close to home. Hahaha. It's johngreenbooks.com.

And there you will find that I have a blog. How do I find it? You go to johngreenbooks.com and then you go to the little area at the top right where you find more things and then it says blog. And I myself am shocked to learn that my most recent blog post was on August 27th. Yeah, I am also surprised to see this specifically because I did I did not write this blog post. It is a blog post acknowledging that I have written a book called the Anthropocene Review that comes out in May. And it has a comment. Wait, it has several comments. Why are these people commenting? Barbara says, sad to see your podcast end, but thanks for sharing

yourself with us. Well, Barbara, you still have an opportunity to buy the book. I'm I'm I'm ex, well, okay, so is that my only blog post ever? That's my only one I can see. Yeah. I have written one blog post at John Greenbooks.com and full disclosure. I did I did not write it. Full disclosure. It is a press release. Yeah, it's a great press release. I'll say I know who wrote it and they're wonderful. But yeah, it wasn't me.

I do have a quote in it that I wrote. Uh-huh. What was that? Can I read it as as you? Sure, please. Yeah, do my do my accent. Before I was a novelist. Oh, God. Before I was a youtuber. No, I was a book reviewer. No. John, this next question comes from Sarah who asks, dear Hank and John, when I was diagnosed with asthma eight years ago, my allergist asked how much I sneeze, and I replied, not often, just a normal amount, and she said, and I quote, it is not normal to sneeze, I never sneeze. Now I think about her every time I sneeze.

No, I think about her, now I think about her every time I sneeze, Sarah. This is the craziest thing I have ever heard. A medical doctor said. I am a doctor of medicine. What? I spent 18 years studying for this. It is not normal to sneeze.

I never sneeze. I mean, the phrase, it's not normal to sneeze is in and of itself a little uncomfortable for me, but following it up with almost like a qualitative statement. Like I have reached a level of enlightenment whereby I no longer need to sneeze. Everything about that quote, it's not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze. Is an astonishment. Like, what do you think that doctor thinks when sneezing, right? Like because we all know they sneeze. So in that moment, do you think they think like

do you so I can only think there's two possibilities. One is that they think like, oh, God, I feel a moral failure coming on. And then the other possibility is that maybe when they sneeze, they think like, that wasn't a sneeze. That wasn't a real sneeze. I've seen other people sneeze and I'm not doing that. That wasn't, no, that wasn't like an asthma sneeze. That was, yeah, yeah, I was, That wasn't, no, that wasn't like an asthma sneeze. That was, yeah, yeah, I was, I, I, I never sneeze. Look, we've been, what has been running, we've been running an advice podcast for, I don't know how many years now.

And I think if there was a person who never sneezed, we would have gotten that question. They would have heard the podcast and been like, I need to add, I'm a little weirded out by this. I see other people doing it. I know it's a normal thing, but I never sneeze. They would have asked. That's what we're here for. That exact circumstance.

I will say, so 95% of purportedly normal persons, I don't know how this is defined by the Journal of Rhinology, but 95% of purportedly normal persons sneeze less than four times a day on average. But you'll notice that sneezing less than four times a day is not an example of never sneeze. It's hundreds or thousands of sneezes a year. I never sneeze. Like, if I heard someone say to me, I never sneeze, I would be like, are you an alien who is inhabiting a human suit and who just like just revealed themselves to me?

Or alternately, like, do you have some kind of like force shield that surrounds you that when you sneeze makes you immediately think like, nope, not that didn't happen. My allergist. My allergist. My allergist said to me, it's not normal to sneeze. I never sneeze. I never sneeze. This person is a criminal. I never sneeze.

I never sneeze. Like why is this, they need to be investigated. You know, they have that podcast, Dr. Deathworth. It's like, man, this was a really bad doctor. This doctor like lied to thousands of people and told them that they had cancer when they really didn't. This doctor was a monster. Here's a 12 episode podcast series about this monster's doctor.

I want a 12 episode podcast about the allergist who tells people, I never sneeze about Dr. Mcnever sneeze the greatest criminal doctor of our times. It's not normal this. Oh my god. I'm so glad that I've been primed now that this is a possibility so that if this ever happens to me, I can instead of just being dumbfounded and questioning my own sanity, I can stand up and walk out of the room. I believe I'm going to have to consult with another allergist, specifically a human one.

Why does they call them in the business a sneezer. That may be the actual like definition. I don't I don't want to exclude anyone from humanness, you know, but it's really hard to define what a human is. And I think it might just be a person who sneezes. Maybe there are people who don't need to talk to a sneezer about this. Yeah, I can feel like ultimately don't you want a doctor who can on some level empathize with you rather than being like, unfortunately, I literally can't know what that's like because I don't sneeze. Never have. Don't know what it's like. Can't feel it.

It's not normal. All I know, all I know about sneezing is that it is not normal. You do not want to be a sneezer. You need to go back to yourologist and you need to say, all right, Dr. Neversneezer Scrooge. And then, and then be like, I didn't plan it past that. That's all I had. The great thing about this is that you look, look,

look, I thought of Neversneezer Scrooge and I'm done. The relationship is over. This doctor is extremely successful in one way, right? Which is that every single person who's ever heard the sentences, sneezing is not normal. I've never sneezed. Every single person who's heard that, when every time I sneeze for the rest of my life, I'm going to think of that doctor. And also my own personal failing

that I have not correctly addressed my medical issue of being a sneezer. My humans are all out of whack and as a result I've become a sneezer again. I also, is it okay if I start to think of myself as a person who used to be a sneezer, but is no longer a sneezer until my next sneeze. You know, right now, I used to be a sneezer. And it was a real problem. I sneezed. I mean, up to four times a day sometimes. But now, finally, at last,

I have achieved Nirvana, and I am no longer a sneezer. And then the next time I sneeze, I'll be like, damn. Now, I'm only a sneezer during the one-month-time sneezer. And then the next time I sneeze, I'll be like, damn. Now I'm only a sneezer during the moments I'm sneezing in the spaces between I never sneeze. Right, like the sentence I never sneeze was more. It wasn't literal. It was more of like, I'm not the kind, I'm not the sneezing type.

It's not occasionally we all slip up, you know, but I'm not the, as I turn my back, I'm in a room with somebody who sneezes, I'm gonna be like, you know, it's not normal to sneeze. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed.

I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. I'm never sneezed. You know, you're only like only like five percent of people sneeze. They're just really loud about it. Oh God. How do you look at a doctor in the eyes when they say the words to you, I never sneeze and not just burst out laughing.

I mean, what I never, I mean, I rarely sneeze. Or like, I'm concerned that your sneezing may not be normal or that you're sneezing maybe a sign of an underlying condition. Yes. But like, why are you getting involved at all? Like, I'm the patient here. Like, I don't need to know your sneezing history. Like, you're a weird broken face nerves.

If you wanna come to me as an allergist, I will be happy to analyze your purported never sneezing. I, okay, so here's my first, I need to, have you ever wanted to refer your doctor to another doctor? You're talking to your doctor and you're like, actually, can I write you a referral to a neurologist? Yeah, I know, I know to share in a room full of allergists. I wonder if you could talk to one of them about the fact that you've apparently never sneezed. I'm not normal.

My initial impulse when somebody tells me they've never sneezed is, of course, to like try to make them sneeze And so I would what here's what I would ought here's my honest advice Mm-hmm I would request a follow-up appointment and I would say listen I know it's been six years since I saw you. Yeah, but I can't stop thinking about this I have a memory of you saying sneezing is never normal. I have never sneezed. Tell me. Did you say that? Did you say that? And if you didn't say that, I can walk

out of here a happy person and you can get your fee for our 20-minute visit and it's only going to cost you five seconds. But if you did, if you did, if you did say it, I require this entire 20 minutes and I have brought pepper. We're not going to go outside and we're going to look at the sky. Because that's what does it for Hank? I have 20 minutes to make you sneeze. Yeah. And I'm going to do everything under my power to do it. No.

And what you need to do is follow them around. Anytime they are in public and when they finally sneeze, you go, No, and what you need to do is follow them around. Anytime they are in public, and when they finally sneeze, you go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, You never sneeze and I've been following you ever since. Whoever says you just sneezed. I will take my apology and written form, thank you. Oh my god, okay, John. Thank you for taking the time to chat. Yeah. And I like making podcasts.

Me too, let's do it again next week. Oh, okay. And then the week after that until we die. Ha ha ha. This podcast is edited by Joseph Tune of Mettish. It's produced by Rosiana Halls-Rohas. Our communications coordinator is Julia Bloom. The editorial assistant is Deboki Trock-Ravardi.

The music you're hearing now, and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarola. And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. you