Dear Hank & John - 329: Here's How to Lose Every Time

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

What do you picture while reading? How often should a woodpecker poop? What does the spicy cough demand? What do I do about workplace ants? Can a friend be a +1? How do I know if a job is not for me? John Green and Rosianna Halse Rojas have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Or is I, if I think of it, Deer-Rez-Yanar and John? It's a podcast where two brothers, or in this case, two producing partners, answer your questions, provide you with dubious advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I said last week my one-man band episode, the hardest hour of my life. I felt like I was I That was there was a lot of tap dancing. That's what I would say about that episode I said last week Hank will be back next week and not only is that not true friends Although I'm very happy to have rosyana here. Not only is that not true. I won't be here next next week

Like ships fossing in the night. We're never gonna., it's never going to be dear Hank and John again. This situation is it, it's a very challenging time. And it's not because Hank and I are having a secret fight. It's entirely because of logistics and scheduling. Rosiana, how are you? I'm well, thank you. But now I do want people to come up with an intense feud. Yes, start making videos about the drama. Right. And then maybe that will like hype up the podcast even further. Right. And people be listening back to all the episodes to find out

secret clues to the feud and so on. Yeah. Yeah. They'll find out how secretly angry we've always been at each other. Yeah. I love that idea. Well, we'll be on a Keemstar episode.

Phil, Phili, Phili DeFranco will have to cover our battle. I'm excited to be like a racist, but in the YouTube era. Yes, yes. Yes. Should I be the Liam or the gnome? A question we all have to ask ourselves at some point. Yeah. I hang out and I are not having a secret feud, despite the reports that you've heard on Twitter. But what is happening is that the turtles all the way down movies about to start filming. I'm so excited about it. I can't believe it's happening. It's been what for four years on the way. A half years of waiting. Oh, I mean, it just,

are you getting nervous even talking about it? because I remember the last time it was April and I was excited about it It wasn't even April yet last time it was March and I was excited about the tells all the way down from being made and then it was 2020 Yeah, so there have been a lot of a lot of hurdles to jump over Tatl hurdles turtle hurdles. It's almost been hurdles all the way down with trying to get these turtles made, but we are at last very, at this point, I mean, it's weird because I still don't want to jinks it because Rosie on it, so for those who don't know, Rosie on and I have worked together for how long, like almost 10 years. Almost 10 years, yeah.

But we've known each other since 2007. So we've known each other since 2007. Yeah. So we've known each other for a long time. We've worked together for a long time. And we've had one or two movie projects really fail at the last second. Yeah. So you never know in Hollywood. There were definitely points where I thought,

surely they would not pull this at this point. And they just do. And they did. Yeah. That's never happened with the Turtles movie. No. where I thought, surely they would not pull this at this point. And they just do. And they did. Yeah. That has never happened with the Turtles movie. With the Turtles movie, it's just been, the script in my opinion has always been really,

really beautiful. Isaac and Elizabeth who wrote the script just did an amazing job. I think, you know, if you think that the book does a good job of representing OCD and I hope that you do, I certainly think the script does. And I know that the people who are involved in the movie from the director, Hannah Marks, to the star, Isabella Merced, they all take it very seriously and understand the job. And I think Rosiana has done an amazing job of getting this project, keeping it going.

And here we are. Finally. Oh, yeah. What an awesome. This is the first time I've seen you, John, for two years in a bit, two years and three months. Yeah. So that's been really nice as well. And yeah, to have this project be on its slow and steady wins the raceway. Yeah, it's going to have. Yeah.

So I'm very excited. and it's slow and steady wins the race way. Yeah, it's gonna happen. Yeah. So I'm very excited, but it does mean that over the next eight weeks, my presence on the podcast will be a little bit in and out due to being on the set of the movie, which is very exciting, but not conducive to podcasting. You know one thing they really don't like when you're on a movie set is when you talk loud

and laugh at your brother's jokes. And you say, hey, do you have a room full of egg foam and other things? All right, yeah. One time, there have only been a couple of times when I really ruined a movie shot in my career as a guy who walks around, movie sets eating cheetos pretending to help.

And one of them was truly epic. I was eating cheetos and walking while on a wireless headphone thing during the Fault in Our Stars movie. And I'm just like munching on the Cheetos and I think I was talking to Sarah. Oh no. And I walked right through the shots. So you can see me. They showed it to me afterwards.

You can see like there's Hazel and Goss having this intense moment in the background. Here's this guy with bad posture walking along and showing some cheetos. And then the other time I ruined a shot was just my audio was when AFC Wimbledon drew Liverpool in the third round of the FA Cup. And I said, are you crapping me? Yeah. But not in those exact words. Yeah. And the director, Jake Shryer, turned around to me and he was like, you can't talk in the middle of the shot. So anyway, that's some of those. You were counting that foot and I saw a story about the two toes, though. It does remind me how many times we would be talking through something we need to figure out.

And you'd be like, wait, I've just approaching the set. I'll turn around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So many times. Yeah, it happens a lot because I'm a pacer. Yeah, you were right. But I have to make sure that I don't accidentally paste my way into the frame. But that's what we know now that we're down, we're down the line now.

Yeah, yeah. So who knows what joys await the cast and crew of we're down the line now. Yeah. Yeah. So who knows what joy is a weight, the cast and crew of turtles all the way down. Yeah. I'm sure that I'll be just an absolute delight to have on set. I've heard so many author horror stories over the years, which of course I can't repeat from members of the crews of the movies I've been part of. And I'm sure that I have the horror stories too that they tell about me, but I don't know them because they don't they don't tell them to me.

But there's this one person I'm not going to say his name, but apparently like he would show up to set every single day in a Rolls Royce, which isn't the uncomfortable part. The uncomfortable part is that apparently he had a vanity license plate that said number one writer. No. Yeah, but with no with no I and E like with no vowels so that it could all fit number one writer. So like number one richer. Right.

Number one. Yeah. You thought it was a sport, but it's me. No number one. Like I feel like that's a bad call. Unless you're like, I don't know, I guess if you're Tony Morrison, you can pull up to set with a vanity license plate that says number one writer, but like, surely you know you're not the number one.

Yeah, it says very bold. It reminds me, I was in Vegas a couple of days ago for a couple of days and I got into a lift that had the number plate that was like JLo 999. I was like, that is a very good Vegas number plate. Someone thought about the demographic, the demographic is people who used lift in Vegas. Yeah, that was smart. I liked it. Also, it had sparkly. I had one of these little frames around it. Oh. Sparkly frames. I love those.

Yeah, it's pretty fun. I love a sparkly frame. Yeah, I kind of feel like I should get a sparkly frame for my car. Yeah, like a well, because I will be driving to the set a lot. So maybe I should get a vanity license plate and a sparkly frame. Oh, maybe you'd be like number two, right? Just go in. One spot behind that guy. Yeah. All right, we're going to answer some questions from our questioners.

Beginning with this one from Amanda, who writes, Dear John Ertink, when you're reading a fictional book, do you picture the story taking place in locations you've actually been? Like, for example, my mind almost always conjures up the layout of my childhood best friends house for a protagonist. I'll often be halfway through a book when I realize in passing, oh, we're in Kelsey's house again, or my middle school library, or the park by my current house, or one of my college dorm rooms, but never the other. Maybe my brain just isn't creative enough to invent a setting on its own, but I'm curious if other people do this too.

Well, that's interesting. I sort of think about it now that I'm thinking about it directly. Almost like the thing in Inception where you use pieces from what the stuff you know. Yeah. And you use it together in some kind of a malgum. Right. But I don't know that I actually think that visually to be honest. Like when I'm reading, I think more in this sort of vague abstract thing that's somewhere between words and pictures. Yeah, yeah. I have almost no visual imagination. And in fact, in the little moments when I do picture something when I'm reading,

it's always like a shock to me. It's always like a moment of genius on the part of the author. I feel like like I can, because I can list them, I can list the number of times I've been like, oh, I see it, like the very beginning of Tony Morrison's beloved I see. There's a moment in Ted Chang's story where you've read the story, Rosie Annock's original, I saw it very,

it's that one about the, the, the, the spire that goes all the way up. Oh, yeah, the Tower of Babylon story. Yeah, yeah. And I had a moment when he's like grounding one part of that where I suddenly saw it. And I was like, oh, wow, that's miraculous. Or I was just reading this John look-a-ray novel. And there's a part where I suddenly was able to picture a banister on a on a stairwell. And those moments are always really shocking to me because I have so little visual imagination. So I kind of like the idea of filling in the parts that you can't see with places that you can see and do remember. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I've spoken about

this even on the podcast before actually, but the one thing I do always put my own interpretation in is everyone's narration is an English accent. Oh really? Yeah, pretty much. Even when I know they're American, like I would read Sweet Valley High Growing up and it would be English accents. And so those times I find it difficult sometimes when I'm listening to audiobooks and they have like a narrator if it's got like a very strong American accent, but then often in film adaptations I'm like,

hang on, that bass is British. Why are they talking so weird? I mean, hooking is so strange. Why is this babysitter's club moment taking place seemingly in Connecticut of all places? Come on, it's cruelly unbucky and balanced. Doesn't make any sense. But the visual element of it is really interesting. It's like places you know. I think I'm more likely to get that, probably with short stories than with anything else. Yeah, I love the idea, though, because

it brings home the extent to which all writing really is a collaboration between the reader and the writer. It really is, like, there's this space that the words create that then the reader fills in. And that really brings home the extent of the collaboration when you're like, oh, I'm at Kelsey's house. Yeah, I love that, that's great. Okay, so I'm going to ask a next question which comes from Grace, he says,

dear John and Hank, I'm trying to sit at my desk and write, but there's this Downey Woodpecker on a tree outside my window. It keeps pooping. It's been there under 15 minutes, and I've seen it poop three times. And I've only been looking out the window every few minutes, so it's safe to bet it's pooped many more. Oh, look, it just pooped again. Is this normal?

Do birds poop more than every five minutes? Why? Writing this email instead of working on my book, Grace. So Grace, we have a lot of downy woodpeckers here in Indianapolis, and not only do we have a lot of them, there are a lot of them constantly trying to break into my home. Oh, God. So in fact, there's a pretty good chance that during the recording of this podcast, or at least some episodes of this podcast, you will occasionally hear the sound of a woodpecker pecking against my bedroom wall because that's where I record the podcast.

And it's very loud and it's very insistent. And my initial idea was, well, what if I knock back? And this was a catastrophe because what that communicated, I think, this is my working theory. I am worried that I communicated to the woodpecker. Hello, there is another one of you inside that you can't get to. I have managed what you have so far failed. Exactly. Now you know it's possible.

So I spend a lot of time looking at woodpeckers, not least because I'm always like screaming at them to stop eating my house. And I have also experienced this that they poop a lot. I have not seen one that poops more than every five minutes. According to my research, it's quite normal for smallish birds, and downy woodpeckers are fairly small to poop every 10 or 15 minutes. If this bird is pooping every minute or every 30 seconds, I think it might have an issue. I mean, it might have just had a lot of yoga that day. It could have, you know, or maybe it's been blocked up and it's like fine.

We don't know the story, but the point is that it is small birds do poop a lot, and they poop relatively small amounts. Well, because they eat a lot, right? Because they eat a lot of energy every time they take flight. Yeah, they're energy intensive creatures. Especially if they're pecking. They're trying to perform a pecking heist. Yes, indeed.

I mean, we've got a bird here that's trying to destroy a whole house. So it's an ambitious bird. It's needs to do a lot of consuming of my home and then pooping out my home. I love this idea that it just thinks that a giant wood becker inside is already managed to get in. Yeah, that's what I did to it. It's been a much worse problem since I tried the knocking strategy. So my new strategy is actually just to kind of run at the wall and make one loud thud.

And that does discourage it at least for a moment. It just, you know, turns around for a bit and says, I'll wait for the wood back and take a break. I'll come back in a bit. I'll come back later. He seems stressed. He seems stressed out. Let's give Woody some space. Indeed. Clay writes, dear John and Hank, I currently have the spicy cough. What is that? I think I might be COVID. Is it really? The spicy cough. Spicy cough is COVID? No way. It appears to be Australian slang for COVID. Yeah. I think we should adopt it, y'all. I think it's time to start calling COVID the spicy cough. The spicy cough. I currently have the

spicy cough and I've been frustrated with not being able to do my usual school work. That is, until a friend pointed out that I have a virus in my body that's trying to stop me from doing work. And this made me wonder, what are the viruses intentions? What does it want? And why does that involve a stuff he knows in a sore throat? Not quite a rock, clay.

Ooh, going straight for the deep ones. What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want?

What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want?

What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? What does COVID want? This is one of, to me, one of the great paradoxes of life. The only way life can be is by wanting very badly to be, right? Like it is way more work than not life. Yes. But why?

Why does life want to be? This is something I explored in the Anthropocene Reviewed in the essay about Staphylococcus aureus. Like, staff doesn't want to take over a human body. Like, that's not the right way to think about will. And this is also something, by the way, that's explored in turtles all the way down. Like, what exactly do we mean when we talk about free will?

What do we mean when we talk about what we want and trying to achieve what we want? Because there's a lot of will that we don't understand or that we have underneath the surface and goes kind of unexamined, and I think for staff or for COVID, all of it goes unexamined. Yeah. Well, it's quite, it's an interesting one, because actually we get a lot of questions in the Dear Hangard on inbox site, like have a look through those those questions and many of them are, why does this do this? What is the purpose of this? What is the evolutionary advantage? And I think it really speaks to the

extent to which we feel like we can know everything about the world, which we live or we want to because we're curious. But I think that, yeah, as you say, like it comes back to, well, maybe that's not quite the question, maybe Will is to brought a term or to complicate it a term to actually be the one. Because I don't think that COVID or any other virus wants an outcome in the way that like, I want a sandwich. But then again, like if I really examine what me wanting a sandwich is about, it is also pretty complicated. Have I ever told you my favorite joke? So, mouth walk through the podiatrist's office. Yeah. Yeah. And the podiatrist says, what seems to be the problem? Moth and the moth says? Oh God, doc, if only there were just one problem.

I don't need this as happening. Like kids, I've been suffering from this horrible labyrinthitis for the last several weeks. One of my little mouth, one of my little moth tooth hurts a lot. And honestly, doc, like sometimes I look in the mirror and I just think like, I don't even know why I'm here. I don't even know why I'm going I don't even know why I'm going on do I want what I want or?

Is there some deeper imperative that I have an exam in that wants what I want and the podiatrist says podiatrist is a doctor who works on feet resion the podiatrist says Now those are all very serious problems mom. Sorry to hear about it But I'm a podiatrist what what brought you to my office today? And the Maith says, get ready for it. Oh, the light was on. Wow, I did not see that coming. It wasn't a crazy little bit. All right, everyone, whoever had Maith joke on their Bingo card for this episode, caching your checks.

So what I love about the Maith joke, but what I love about the mouth joke, but what I love about the mouth joke is that it answers your question like why does COVID do the horrible things that it does? Why does staff grow without ceasing inside a human body? Like, you're telling me that I could have stopped this whole pandemic. If I got inside my body and turned the light off. You could have just turned the light off. You could have just said like let's say everybody let's stop flying where the light is on and think about why we are flying to where the light is on. Oh that's so electricity. But we can't do that it gets it gets real deep it gets real recursive so recursive in fact that if you wrote a book about it, I think you'd almost have to call it turtles

all the way down. As a... I can't be told I'm all the trick. I had. I had. It was a prime moment. So I think the main conclusion is the spicy cough wants from you,

what you want from the world, and that is, we don't know. There you go, I love it. The next question we have for you is from you, what you want from the world. And that is, we don't know. There you go, I love it. The next question we have for you is from Angie, who says, dear Hank and John, help. I discovered an ant hill in my office at work. Oh, no. I do not work in an outdoor office. Good to know.

What do I do? How do I tell my boss I can never work in that office again? Do I request to work out for my forever? I am terrified of ants. They ate my clothes when I was little. I work in a mental health facility, not a therapist. Would they understand this fear? I feel like they're calling all over me. How long has it been there? But if I accidentally bring them home, how do I ensure they're dead forever? I don't own a home repair website. Angie. So there are a few things that we need to break down here. And I think we need to begin with, first off, it's okay to be terrified of ants. I'm terrified of mice and I have a lot of

dreams about there being mice in my house. And when there was a mouse in my home when we lived in New York, it was a level one emergency every single day until we were absolutely sure that the home had been fully mouse-proofed. And I was I was very much on the Angie level of like we need to move. We need to see this house to the mouse. It no longer belongs to us, etc. But I think the thing that we need to break down first, Rosiana, is the following sentence. I am terrified of ants. They ate my clothes when I was little. I just can't, I mean, how many of them were there?

How small were your clothes? Yeah, what kind of ants were these? I've never known an ant that ate clothes. Is there a chance you are a Hansel and or Greta? Yeah, that's what I was thinking, guys. Are we totally sure that Angie lives in our world or might Angie live in a world where ants are much more dangerous and eat your clothes?

Oh, yeah, could be like bigger ants. Like huge ants. Huge ants. And like the ant and honey I shrunk the kids. Exactly, maybe Angie is in a honey I shrunk the kids. Exactly. Maybe Angie is in a honey I shrunk the kids world that we don't know about because it's so small and their answer gigantic and of course she's terrified about an antilat work.

But then the rest of the question seems to be certain that she's larger than the aunts, the mental health care facility is larger than the ant hill, et cetera. So I guess Angie, I would ask you to go back to childhood and really consult with yourself. Did the ants eat your clothes or were they on your clothes? But then what happened to the clothes, did the clothes disappear?

That's what I'm wondering. Did they consume the clothes and your clothes were gone? And if so, I think you should be scared. I think fear is correct. I don't want to make it worse, but I'm scared now that I know that that's a thing that ants can do. Yeah, I mean, I knew that moss are aforementioned animals, creature.

Of course. Yes, they eat through clothes because they don't know why. It's because it's in the way of the light. Because it stands between them and the light, and they need to fly to the light because they don't know why. But ants, ostensibly are underground creatures that like surface. Yes. So that's what I would think is that you don't actually have an ant-hill at work. You have something much worse, which is that you have an ant-hill below work. Oh, no.

That's like coming up into the room. So I absolutely 100% think that you should talk to your bosses about this. And I think you can even say like, listen, we work in a mental health facility. One, I don't think we should have an anhyl inside the mental health facility, which I think is everyone would agree on. Fair enough. You make a good point. And so I think it's worth bringing up to your bosses

just because, like, it's not ideal. Yeah. And secondly, I think you can say, like, also PS, I have a big fear of ants, and I just don't love being in an indoor situation with ants. And I don't think that's asking too much of the world. I think I think there's a very reasonable expectations. I think that there was no reason you should have an ant in all in your office at work.

Absolutely. I think that's a very good basis. I always think if you go for like a health and safety, I'm just looking out for everyone else's benefit. That can also help put yourself on really solid fitting. You just feel a bit firmer because you're sticking to policy. I don't think you need to work from home forever because I am worried that the ants might find you there as well. It does seem like they have a bit of a vendetta. I'm just saying I don't want to encourage your phobia.

Yes, but keep them at work. But keep them at work because that way you can come home and still have a place of rest. Right. And you can keep a certain distance from the answer on the day to day. I mean, the truth is the answer in that corner, you're where you are, they don't want to be where you are and you don't want to be where they are and that's good. But I understand your concern. you are, they don't want to be where you are and you don't want to be where they are and that's good. But I understand your concern.

This gets us something that is really important to me, which is that I am happy to seed all of outside to the mice and the chipmunks and the raccoons and the coyotes. They can have all of outside. All I want is inside. The problem comes when you realize that there is no such thing as inside. They don't know about inside. And I've tried to, actually, I had a conversation

with a squirrel recently because there's a squirrel that lives near our house that unlike every other squirrel I've ever encountered in my life, likes to chew on the limestone step on our front porch. It just likes chew on it. Is it teething? It's like it's teething, but it's been doing this for years, so it doesn't have to temper anything.

We've been told this is a normal-ish behavior, but I tried to have a conversation with the squirrel where I was like, look, this is right on the edge of inside outside. You're in a built world. You're in the borderlands, actually. You're in the borderlands once you are munching on my front step. And I'm okay with us both occupying the borderlands. But I have a very strict border policy.

Oh, God. And if you come in through the front door, that is a space that I call inside that you don't know about. And I know you don't know about it, but I'm trying to tell you about it now. And once you enter into that space, all bets are off. All bets are off. That doesn't remind me of the time we went to a foothill all the way down and a squirrel came inside my hotel room.

In Mizzula, a whole place is actually. Oh my god. All that's rough. Well, that stuff, it was climbing on the screen and then it wasn't climbing on the screen and it was running around my hotel room and I didn't really know what to do about that. I had a bird come into my hotel room recently and it was a really intense conversation because again, I'm a very, I'm a word-based person. Yeah. And so when I'm talking to a non-human animal, I try to keep it towards. Mm-hmm. I wasn't going to run after it or try to catch it. That's terrifying.

So I was like, listen, I need you to leave. And it was like flying around. And I was like, did you not understand me? Do you have a counter argument? Like how are we going to settle this? Mm-hmm. It was very stressful. And then finally Sarah came out

and she like flapped her, you know, bird wings. Bird wings and the bird was like, oh, I'm super intimidated and left. So what you're saying is Sarah is the giant woodpecker? Yeah, yes, indeed. Indeed, Sarah is the giant woodpecker, which reminds me actually that today's podcast

is brought to you by my wife's the giant woodpecker, which reminds me actually that today's podcast is brought to you by my wife, the giant woodpecker, who has found a way to exist as a bird inside of our home. I always knew she was impressive. This podcast is also brought to you by the Moths Tiny Teeth, the Moths Tiny Teeth that's just so little. Yeah, it's an unusual Moth, in a bunch of respects. Today's podcast also brought to you, of course, by Kelsey's bedroom. Kelsey's bedroom, it's where Amanda sets all the novels she reads. And this podcast is also brought to you by the Squirrel eating John's front step, the

Squirrel eating John's front step. What is it with these guys teeth? I don't know, I don't know. We also have a project for awesome message from Luke in New Zealand to Brony. Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction. Thank you for sharing all your passions with me

and introducing me to wonderful communities like this one. You make my life so much better by being in it and I look forward to many more years together filled with bizarre beasts, broom-based sports, and dubious advice podcasts. I love you so much. Oh, that's very sweet. It's very lovely. Thank you for donating the project for Awesome Luke and for sharing your love for Brony with us.

It made us happy. It did. We were happy on a Monday, which is, where's the feet? Yeah. Rosie, on I've got an etiquette question for you, and we are etiquette experts, so it makes sense that somebody would ask it. It's from Mariah, who writes to your John and Hank,

I'm invited to a wedding later this year for one of my college roommates. We're 24, we graduated two years ago, but we still talk occasionally. When I was going to RSVP, I had a plus one, but now I'm not currently dating anyone, and my old roommate knows that I'm not dating anyone, and that I'm not likely to start dating anyone. Am I allowed to bring a friend as my plus one? Why do I feel like I'm breaking a rule or being rude? Dubies advice appreciated,

scared of commitment and long-term relationships, Mariah. Well, it's interesting. So I'm guessing that your invitation has a plus one attached to it. I think you get to bring who you want. Yeah. But I also think that both for the sake of just like your comfort and also so people don't start declaring this past in your life partner, it might be good to give your friend a heads up and say, hey, I'm planning on bringing seven, so friend with me. But I don't think feeling, you don't need to feel bad about it or anything or feel like it's the, you're breaking a rule. Because I think you

get to bring who you want if you get a plus one. Yeah, that's sort of how I feel too. It's a little weird that we say plus ones only for this particular kind of relationship. Yeah. Only if it's romantic. Well, what if it's romantic and new versus like a friend life partner? Yeah. It's very, it's a weird thing in general. So I think if you got the plus one, you can go.

I think though, for the record, I also think you should feel free to go alone. It's not a requirement to bring a plus one. And sometimes, I mean, I've been to weddings alone and I've been to weddings with friends, and I've been to weddings with a partner, obviously, or with a plus one. But sometimes going to a wedding alone is like super fun. That's a really good point, because I actually have only gone to weddings alone. Like, and often they've been weddings where I know some people there, but sometimes they haven't been, especially lately when it's been friends from school

who've got married, and I don't know any of their friends since, you know, we were like 18 or something. And it's actually been really nice to get to know the people in their life and to sort of find out, you know, all the different connections that they've made over their life and who they're getting married to and find a bit more about them. So, yeah, I would really encourage you also to go alone if you feel comfortable, but also if you'd prefer to have a friend there, that's totally fine, I think that's totally allowed. It is strange that we privilege this one kind of relationship.

And I also always find it like a bit, I get a bit stressed internally. This is a coming from a place of full self-factualization. I get a bit stressed internally and sometimes when I get a plus one on my in-fight and I'm like, is there going to be a plus one? Do I want that? Yeah, a plus one. It's just think stories about this big existential question when actually the focus of the invitation should be like, oh, my friends having this event, whether it's wedging or apart, or whatever it is. And I would like to be there. Right. And as a person who has thrown such parties, I can tell you for an absolute fact that they are happy if you don't bring a plus one. Well, yeah, they will not be bummed out about saving that $275.

Oh my gosh, I can't believe any wedding weddings are very expensive. But also other, increasingly, other things that you do are very expensive. Like 30th birthday parties can be very expensive. So it's all about what it's all about what you want, what's going to make it so that you have a nice evening. This reminds me of my complete failure to commit to a bit, which is that you remember like there was like three weeks in May, June 2021 when it was going gonna be Hot Girl Summer. Remember that?

And everybody was like, it's a Hot Girl Summer. We're gonna go crazy. July 4th is gonna be, July 4th, by the way, is America's Independence Day. Oh, it's when you threw a WLHT. That's right, and well, it's so anyway. Everybody who's like on July 4th is gonna be a big party. We're all gonna go crazy.

Life's gonna be amazing. Everybody's gonna be on the beach. It's, you know, bikinis and boys and red bulls and vodka. Yeah. And during this period, I was also feeling very much like my life was gonna open up and it's gonna be amazing. It's gonna feel so good. And so on this very podcast, I said,

if you're getting married and you're gonna have an open bar, I will be there. And I got so many lovely wedding invitations. And I have attended zero of those weddings. I bought a couple gifts, but I attended zero weddings. I feel very bad. But what I found out about myself is that when I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to go to a wedding where I don't know anyone. I close my eyes and picture me as a different person

from who I actually am. It's like the opposite of the question about reading a book. Yes. You like literally just abandon yourself into a mission. I imagine the me who I wish to be, the me who I think of myself as. And then when I get the invitation, I'm like, oh no, I'm on the real me. And the

real me finds that prospect very stressful. I'm intrigued by this. Like, what else does this imaginary you do? Oh, he's so funny. He's so clever. He's very, he's a little bit like a character in a noir mystery novel. Lots of clip dialogue. He never says two words when he could say one just like me. I don't see what the problem is there. Yeah, yeah. He loves to go to a casino, but he always comes out even, you know. I do that. Do you? Yeah, I came out. Actually, I came out up. When I was in Vegas, I played the casino royale slot. Oh, sure. The James Bond one. The James Bond one. Yeah. And I, it's known for its great odds. I won. I won $170. Did you really? Thanks to a face full of Judy Dentures as M's. And I was like, here we go. I'm catching out. Oh wait, so let me get this straight.

You got a Facebook of Judy Dench. And then you got $69. And then you left the casino? Well, I had to go get back in the queue for the killers. So it was a very brief thing. So let me tell you my casino strategy. And you tell me whether you like it or don't like it. Okay. I see I get all those Judy dentures, I win my $69 and then I feel really good and really

confident and I go to the room at table. Oh no. And then I lose all my money. So that's how I do it every time. I walk into a casino with $ dollars and I tell myself it does not matter how much money I make tonight. I'm gonna lose it all. Well that sounds fun. Well that's why that's why I keep it. But that person, that person who wants to the casino, that's the only time I feel like the person who would say yes Do this when I get the t-tions because I'm wearing a suit I'm often wearing glasses that I never wear in real life. I have my hair styled. You're ready to go I've invented a backstory a lot of times there and I will invent a full backstory

Yeah, and then I'll live out the backstory at the blackjack table like somebody somebody will say like where you're from where you're from and I'll be like Montreal story at the Black Jack table, like somebody will say like where you're from and I'll be like, Montreal. And if you want to hear more about that, you can read the answer for seeing review to pimples. I talk about it in the Bonnable Salt Flat episode. But I will say that my other very tiny but great fun, because the only strategy is that once you cash out often they can only give you now the money in bills and they don't give you any coins and so then you take the voucher of the 70 cents whatever you have left find somewhere that will let you use that voucher and then that's free play you can play with that as much as you want that 70 cents but listen do whatever you want with it you can you can you can win fair about yeah okay I like that so that's I'm like what you want with it. You can, you can, you can win the fair about. Yeah, okay. Anyway, I like that.

So that's, I'm like, what, what you do with the 70 cents is what I do with all the money. Yeah. Thank you for coming to our gambling podcast. Yeah. Yeah. All the other gambling podcasts are like, here's how to secretly beat the casinos.

No, my gambling podcast is about here. Here's how to lose every single time. And my ass here is about to bet 70 cents. Oh, man. All right, I'm going to ask this last question from Parker, who says, dear John and Hank, right now I have a job that I don't particularly like. It's a serving job and I only make $3 an hour. I can make more money if I give the table a good experience and they tip me, but I find it hard to keep track of multiple tables and can get overwhelmed. So things often go wrong and then I make a very small amount of money.

My question is, how do you know if a job just isn't right for you or if it just hasn't clicked yet? Lane wages and labor, Parker. Well, I was a very bad server, Parker, for exactly the reasons that you cite. If I had more than two tables, I just got overwhelmed so quickly. And right now, especially because a lot of restaurants have fewer servers than they should have, because partly because they're paying $3 an hour plus tips. It's even harder, and so you have a lot of tables, you're learning on the job. It sounds like you haven't had a ton of experience yet as a server. And it's really hard work. Like I get so frustrated every time somebody describes jobs like that as low skill labor. Because if you've ever done the job, it is not low skill. It takes a long time to learn. It takes a long time to be really good at.

And I certainly never got to the point where I was even confident. And so for me, it's about you being able to say to yourself, like, well, is this in line with my skill sets or is this in line with something that I'm interested in or want to work to get better at and can I get better at it? Because if you can, then yes, like, stay, stay in that job and see if you can get better at it. Because if you can, then yes, stay in that job and see if you can get better at it. But for me, what I had to learn was that I was never going to be good at it, just because of the nature

of the way my brain works. It was always going to be a struggle for me to keep all that stuff organized because I just don't have a well-organized brain. Yeah, it's really difficult. I can't remember. I did a lot of like, what they call it like catering, like,

wasting like catering events when I was a teenager and that I found that really challenging. And there were also all these expectations about, even just like which side you're supposed to put the plate down and the cutlery and all these like internal rules that I found quite overwhelming. I think you're really right to point out that like, there is so much devaluation and calling jobs

like that unskilled because there are so many skills in it. And I wonder if that's a place to begin if you do feel you need to stay in that particular job for a bit longer is just by saying, look, I don't know or have the skills yet to do this, but that's a place I can grow. And I sometimes find that being honest with myself about skills I don't have or things I haven't learnt fully yet actually gives me permission

to be a little bit bad at it at first. And then I find that gives myself the grace to like get a bit better, gives me the grace to get a bit better at it and learn from it rather than expecting myself to be a hundred percent, working alongside someone who's been weight-tracing for like two years or three years or whatever. But then also the other thing is like there might be, I didn't know where you work, there might be other roles available within that space that you might find more comfortable. So if you are able, if you'd like to stay in that job just for the security of it, but you don't necessarily want to keep serving tables, then you would see whether there's another position, whether it's like as a host or as behind the scenes in the kitchen or like something else,

because that might be a way of figuring out what it is you do and don't like about work. It's tough. I mean, I nearly exploded a keg once. It's really hard. Restri-odd. Restaurant jobs are really hard. Food service jobs are just, it's the hours can be really grueling. At least they were for me and the work can be really hard. There's a lot of come raw. I mean, in a good restaurant environment,

for me anyway, like I experienced a lot of really positive camaraderie. Yeah. And really enjoyed working with the people I worked with and had that sense restaurant environment for me anyway. Like I experienced a lot of really positive camaraderie and really enjoyed working with the people I worked with and had that sense of kind of we're in it togetherness that I really like and work, but the work itself was difficult. And I think right now, honestly, I mean, just in the few times I've been

to a sit down restaurant in the last few months. A lot of customers are jerks or mean. I don't know exactly what's going on, but there's a lot of tension boiling just under the surface and people really quick to frustration. that's also really difficult when you're A, you're learning a job, B, you're probably understaffed and C, like you said, Parker, you're getting paid $3 an hour plus tips. So really tips should not be optional if you're getting paid $3 an hour plus tips. Like tips shouldn't be for good service, they should be for what amounts to a barely living wage. And then there should be a tip on top of that for good service. So it's tough, that's just the tough industry. And I hope that it gets better for you either because you

find new work or because you find a groove inside the job that you're in now. Yeah, that's another really good point. It's like it shouldn't be set up this way for you. work or because you find a groove inside the job that you're in now? Yeah, it's another really good point. It's like it shouldn't be set up this way for you. Like you, you know, it is a form of wage theft really. Yeah. And I'm sorry that you're finding it difficult on top of it, not being paid very well at all. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So good luck. And those of us who are not currently servers the next time you're at a restaurant, remember Parker's question and how Parker is struggling with that work. All right, we. So Wimbledon over the weekend played the worst team in lead one already relegated crew and we lost. We had a lead in that game of 1 nil, which is the 11th time we've led a game in the 24 games we've gone without winning. Rosie Ann has been to a few of these games, so maybe she can give us the birds I view.

Always just been crashing, really. It's been difficult to watch these matches just on edge the whole time and just wanting them to win so much. Everyone in that stadium, the stadium's still full. We just want them to win so much. Everyone in that stadium, like the stadium's so full, you just want them to win so much. And the players, I think, feel the pressure and have struggled to respond to it in a positive way. So now without manager Mark Robinson, without a single win in their last 24 games, without a single win in their last 24 games. It looks very now almost certain that Wimbledon will be relegated. Just today, as we're recording this, Wimbledon played Wicom,

where the longtime fans of the podcast may remember that when AFC Wimbledon were a fourth tier English soccer team, the ones in future fourth tier English soccer team, the ones in future fourth tier English soccer team, you may remember that autobioloc in Fenwa, the largest and strongest person in professional football was one of our star strikers the season that we were promoted via the playoffs. Well, autobioloc in Fenwa now plays for Wickham. He went all the way up to the championship, the second tier of English football, but then Wycombe got relegated and he ended up back in league one.

And today he scored a tying goal against AFC Wimbledon. Again, they had the lead the 12th time out of the 25 games we've gone without winning. And again, they surrendered the lead via an autobiocconfenwagol, which may have been the goal that finally did put the hope to rest. There is still a mathematical possibility that Wimbledon will win their last two games and escape relegation. But again, we haven't won a game in 2022. So I don't, don't know that that's likely, but hope is the thing with feathers that purchase in the soul and sings the tune

without the words and never stops at all. So until it is mathematically confirmed, we will cling to hope. Who are we facing next? Who are the last two matches? So our next game is against Fleetwood, who are in 21st right now, and also likely to be relegated. So, you know, that's obviously to say that's a must-win game would be an understatement because they're both must-win games. And then our final game is against Ackrington Stanley.

Oh, that was my dad's team when he was a kid. Oh, wow. So he was called Stanley. So he was like... Oh, yeah. I don't yeah, I'm going for. Yeah. Well, Stanley this year has had an O.K. season. They're middle with a pack in week one. They are one of the teams that were kind of closest to emotionally. Like like people often, like the fit. I think it's tradition that the owner of Ackrington Stanley always buys the traveling Wimbledon fans of beer when they go to the game. Maybe they could do us a favor on the final day. Just sit down on the bed.

Yeah, just put all their 12 year olds out and see if we could beat them. Oh, man. I really, yeah, I would just keep crossing my fingers. I do think that regardless of knowing it's been such a long difficult run this year, it has been really amazing to see the stadium still full and it has been really amazing to hear people still singing the songs and it's been tough to watch, but as much as winning would be the best, it also is the fact that the club exists and is there and the stadium exists and is there, that still brings me a lot of hope.

Yeah, I mean, it's our stadium, we own it. It's our club, we own it. And there has to be some hope in that. It's a lot of frustration among fans right now and I get it, I'm sympathetic to it. I can't even imagine watching 25 straight football matches and seeing your team not win one of them. But I really believe that fan ownership

is the future for Wimbledon. And I think it needs to be. I think that's what makes the club special. But I also think that's how to make sure that what happened never happens again is by keeping ownership in the hands of the fans, even if that means,, never happens again, is by keeping ownership in the hands of the fans, even if that means, frankly, that like, you know, the club can't have the kind of investment

that other English clubs do right now in this huge money rush that English football's experiencing. So, yeah, it's tough. I was seeing how fraught that side of it is too. Like, I know that seems permanent and unmovable, but that billionaire side of it has its huge downsides. And I think that's a, what is it? The chickens are coming home to roost.

Is that the expression? Some of the chickens are starting to come home to roost. Certainly the Russian oligarch chickens. A couple of the chickens are on their way home. Yes, but they're, yeah, and you're right. Like the arc of history is long. If you think about what football looked like 30 years ago, it's very different from what it looks like today, and it'll look very different in 30 years. And I think if Wimbledon are still fan-owned, they will be on the right path.

So, you know, there's enough supporters, there are enough season ticket holders, the stadium is big enough and beautiful enough to support a professional football team. And so hopefully if we get relegated, we will be able to recover, regroup, have a competitive budget and stabilize. Yeah. What's the news from Mars, Rosiana? Well, and the news from Mars, I just wanted to highlight this really incredible picture, the NASA tick of what they've called ARIO, which is the prime meridian on Mars. So it doesn't have a natural prime meridian, it is one that was chosen by scientists, I believe, in order to just be able to describe things in very earthling terms of East and West and North and just kind of navigate in general and give coordinates.

But they've taken its incredible picture of zero degrees longitude of this amazing crater that looks itself like something of an alien, I think. It does. And it's a, it's sort of creepy and wonderful and equal measure. Any fans of Dune, I think, will definitely. Yeah, it looks like a large creature. Like it looks almost like a sponge or a sand worm. A sand worm. Yeah. But like the large back of a sand worm or something,

it's really quite beautiful and strange. I always, when I the large back of a sandworm or something. It's really quite beautiful and strange. I always, when I look at images of Mars, I always, the adjective that comes to mind is always otherworldly, which of course it is. Yeah. No, exactly, it is that. And it makes me also the other story, it makes me think a lot of is annihilation and the film adaptation of that, which did such a brilliant job of sort of blending things that are very familiar with things that are very unfamiliar and like the original kind of definition of the uncanny. And that's what this picture reminds me on. But what was really interesting was when they were explaining this NASA said that the larger crater that sits within

this crater called the Erie crater originally defined zero longitude for Mars, but as higher resolution photos became available, a smaller future was needed. This crater called Erie 0, zero was selected because it did not need to adjust existing maps, which I thought was such an interesting interaction between technology and mapping and reminds us of a sort of ongoing theme, I think, in all our work of about maps and cartography and how human they are, human-made they are. The world obviously shapes the maps, but that is a reminder that the map also shapes the world, because the map had already been made, they had to find part of the world that would make that map make sense. Yeah. That's beautiful. Even off-world. Right, even on other worlds. We still have to have this

complicated relationship between the place and the map. That's a lovely way to end Riziana. Thank you for bringing some metaphorical resonance to the news from Mars, which I feel like not everybody does. And thank you so much for potting with me. Oh, it's been such a pleasure. It's so nice to see you again. It's nice to see you too. This podcast is edited by Joseph Tudor Mendes. It's produced by our very own Rosiana Holtz Rohos. Our head of community and communications is Julia Blumar, Editorial Assistant is the Booker Chocolate Party. The music that you're hearing now

is beginning a podcast by the great Gunorola, and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. The music that you're hearing now is beginning of podcasts by the great Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.