Dear Hank & John - 338: The Stupidest Birds in the Forest

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

How do I respond to decade old bread texts? How do woodpeckers not get concussions? Would Earth's destruction be bad for Mars? Why is it so hard to get the last cereal square on the spoon? How was soap invented? What would Earth look like from space if  it never had life on it? Hank and John Green have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams and an exclusive weekly podcast at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Do you want to say I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank. It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you the advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and F.C. and Embleton John. I've been wearing a mask lock because I had COVID, but I'm over COVID by still like out of the abundance of caution and also we should be wearing a mask a lot. And I also wear glasses and at this, I think I'm entitled to condensation

for all the trouble I've been through. Not only are you entitled to condensation, you are receiving it on a regular basis. That's a legal joke mixed with a COVID joke. With a... Mixed with a science joke. Yeah, I guess. And yet, somehow in the alchemy, a bad joke emerged.

It's just incredible how you do that every time. Hank, before we answer questions from our listeners, it's vitally important that we talk about another moment where dear Hank and John has had a tremendous impact on our shared culture. Yeah, all of our culture, not just you and me, but everyone on our... No, no, no, global, I'm saying global culture.

It's not a coincidence, Hank, that when this was a WNYC podcast, they paid like a goodgillion dollars to submit us for a Peabody Award. It's because we make such a quality content that that Pe-body is just around the corner. Is that true? That can't be true. It is true. We... We, you go, John, this is big news. We recently proposed a Wendy's rebrand where Wendy's would become hardgoth, where Wendy's would go

all-goth all the time. Yeah, and not just like, not just got a bit like, just sort of like, like the creepy, purple, Portland, night veil style. Weird. Yes. Yes. Serial, beautiful, do Androids dream of electric sheep, but Wendy's. And in response, Wendy's official Twitter, which is the least official of all the official

brands, they do like to keep it unofficial. Tweeter does the super goth Wendy's, which I really enjoyed. But then also in the last 24 hours, how do I find this goth Wendy's? Wendy's tweets so much. Did you, did you, they said it to you? It's all, it's almost like they're not a person. Uh, yes, they said it to me, they said it to me. You got to search John Green Wendy's.

I think that'll do it. But anyway, the other thing that happened is that seemingly Wendy's in one location genuinely rebranded to kind of is that seemingly Wendy's in one location genuinely rebranded to kind of a punk emo Wendy's. Now we think this was a coincidence. An example of great minds. Not seem to be thinking alike. Totally something we did.

That's all us. I've got to be us, right? But it makes me think that maybe we need to apply our bountiful rebranding talents and help other brands. Yeah talents and help other brands. Hey, yeah, well, other brands. We, like we are honestly quite good at branding. We're not the world's experts, but we've done some good work.

Oh, crap, that reminds me of something really important, which is that we haven't talked about the coffee on the podcast. Did we really not talk about it last week? No. That was a huge miss. Jeez. I know.

We're so good at branding and marketing that we forgot to tell you that we started a coffee company. What's it? Yeah. So the idea is simple. You go to awesomecoffeeclub.com. You get coffee sent to your home either every month or once every two weeks, but the coffee is different

from other coffee coffee because one, it is good for the people who farm it. We pay a premium for our coffee to support farmer compensation. You can learn a lot more at awesomecoffeeclub.com and two, 100%, not 50% or some or most, but 100% of the profits go to support stronger healthcare systems in impoverished countries. So it's good coffee that you can feel good about awesomecoffeeclub.com. It's very good. You did great. good about awesome coffee club. It's very good. Did I do it? You did great.

Great. I'll talk about it. It's great coffee. Yeah. And it's it's it's been working very hard to make sure that it's the it's the deliciousest and it's extremely good. And a lot of work has gone into making it a super enjoyable experience as well as one that has a positive impact on the world. Yep.

John. Yep. What do you want to start with? Who do you want to rebrand? What about like, best Western? Oh. The hotel chain. Yeah. I was thinking about them today because I was like, that is not a good name, but they've

managed to make it work. Yeah, they're a hotel chain. I mean, you could go to a best Western anywhere in America. It doesn't even have to be on the West. Not only that, but West of what, right? Like, it implies that there is this center somewhere, and we don't want any of that. Well, everything is West of somewhere.

I guess is what best Western has decided. Oh. Oh, wake it. Where are you off? You just invented their tagline. It's so good. Everywhere is West of somewhere. This is a sentence that's true and means nothing.

It contains so much truth and no meaning. It's great. That makes it really good marketing, like the word sustainable, which you can use if you want to. There are no other requirements. There's a wide and governing body of the sustainable. It turns out.

As I spent the last year trying to learn what constitutes fair compensation and sustainable business practices in the coffee business, what I found out is, and whatever the person selling the coffee wants it to mean. Yeah, it's made by plants. So half our time is what they're saying.

That's it. This coffee is 100% made by a plant. Gluten free. Okay, best weather. So what I, my first thought is that you got to get away from the country, because what I'm thinking is country in western, you don't want to go down that road. And so what I'm thinking, are you ready for don't want to go down that road and so no What I'm thinking are you ready for my idea or do you want to do yours because mine's pretty good no you go

You're gonna be yours is gonna be the good one. It's it's a swing. It's like it's well The word swing is throwing me for a loop. It's like 50s jazz swing club But as a hotel so like the they got suits on at the front desk. Zood suit, right? They got, they got classes you can take. There's, there's dance floor instead of that like TV area with the, with the cable news on. None of that. All 24 hour a day, come and, come and learn how to do a dance and they serve only the kinds of drinks that taste bad because that's back then that's all they had.

That kind of thing. Right. Yeah. You have to drink like your fountain Coca-Cola and your water may have dirty ice in it. Yeah. I was thinking like old fashions, which are the reason that they haven't brought them into the present. Why they're still so old fashionedions because of how they taste bad.

They didn't put, there's like no sprites in them at all. No sprites in the middle. No sprites in the middle. No sprites in the middle. Great. What do you talk about? Old fashion is delicious. You're put some grenadine in there or something.

All right, so here's my response to your idea. I like that idea a lot. I think it's strong. I just wonder if instead of it being like 50s rockabilly, it's wing music. I'm so good, I love it. I think it's good, but I think it will come in and out of fashion as these things do, right? Like bluegrass music, there are people who love it,

but in terms of popular appeal, it goes in and out of fashion. I'm looking for something. What stays fashionable for the next 10 years? If I'm best Western, and I'm thinking about rebranding all of my hotel rooms, I want it to last at least a decade. And what I think is corporate concentration of power has been bad for the shared human story.

Yeah, okay. Best Western, huh? Because corporate concentration of power has been bad for the shared human story, period. Well, and they're giving all the profits to charity. the shared human story, period. And they're giving all the profits to charity. Like they're joining up with the awesome socks club like Vision of Hotels. The great, no Hank, the great thing is that you can say that.

You can say these things. And people can be like, man, Best Western really gets it. I'm gonna stay there. I don't know, John. I want the person at the front test to call me Daddy-O. I want him to say that he hopes I have a sweet time at my pad that I've rented from Best Western

and that if I'm staying in such a nice hotel, he's gonna say, we got a maid in this shade here at Best Western, like, s**t like that. This is what I want. First off, no cursing. Sorry, secondly, what if instead of saying that, the person at the front desk was saying, look, markets have a role to play in our economy,

but the idea that we should worship free markets as an ideology. What do we mix these things together? We need to get sense to me. What if he says, people who worship free markets as an ideology mix me when I give him a knuckle sandwitch? Ah! and ideology makes me wanna give him a knuckle sand witch. Okay. Alright, I think we did it. You're welcome, best Western.

Contact us anytime. It's an anti-corporate, but you still keep all the profits. 50s diners, that's the concept. It's like one of those finest, kind of meanies. Yeah. And not the actual 1950s, the version of the 1950s that Hank and I saw in the movie back to the future. That's the vibe.

Anti-capitalist back to the future. Okay, good. And by the way, that's not to say that those are my personal beliefs or anything. Because next week, I'm going to propose that Motel 6 rebrands to the pro capitalist super center. Well, they sell it. They sell it.

They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it.

They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. They sell it. go directly to the richest people in the world. We need our hotel change to be more partisan. This is what America needs. Oh, God, there's not been nearly enough pull-in station to pull rise the hotel change. This actually does happen.

It's wild to see this happen in some consumer products where they're like conservative pillows. Yeah. America is the only country on earth where the pillow is an highly politicized action. Awful, terrible. Oh my God. Okay. So we're going to hang and I look at that and we think, oh man, if only the rest of the world could be like pillows.

All right, Hank, let's answer some questions from my listeners. Beginning with this one from Jay who writes, dear John and Hank, this happened to decade ago, but it still bothers me. That's my specialty, Jay. I love things that happen to decade ago that still bother you. One day within about five minutes, several people I know from back in high school texted me stocked images of bread. I responded to ask why, but I never heard back. What was that about?

Was I invited to join a baking party or a baking cult? Did I miss a golden brown opportunity? I appreciate any thoughts you have. Loves and llamas, J clearly. J. you failed some kind of test. That what seems to be I don't know what the test was, but you whatever that like I guess maybe should you have just texted back more bread. And then they would have been like, you are now in the the bread cult. And we we so we'll go and bread more people. Right. And we accept you. And now we shall together send stock images of bread to other people. Yeah. We know from high school.

Uh-huh. I'm almost positive. That's what it is. These people were sitting together. Yeah. And they said, what if we texted stock images of bread to people we knew in high school, but with no context? And then if they text back a picture of bread there in the club,

and if they don't, they're not. And I, I would back a picture of bread there in the club and if they don't, they're not. And I, I would argue, Jates, it's good news. You're not in the stock photo bread club. Probably, you know, like, I don't know. I'm, I'm up for any connection these, these days. Any, any opportunity for people to get together and be, be, feel like they're connected to other humans is good. Yeah, that's true. I just called a bunch of people who subscribed to the Awesome Coffee Club to say thank you

and also that they also live in Indianapolis. I was wondering if I could just bring their coffee by. Oh, wow, nice. And they all were very nice and they all said yes, but I was also reminded that talking to people while it is stress, I was sweating bullets. It's so weird. It's so weird to call it total stranger and be like, hello, I'm John Green. You just bought my coffee.

And can I, yeah, you just bought my coffee. Is it weird if I bring it to your house? You can say yes, it's weird. But if you say no, I will bring it to your house. Yes, so I was sweating. I mean, my armpits were just pouring sweat as I was making these phone calls, but it was so good for me.

This is the hardest thing about our moment, is that doing the things that are good for you are sometimes uncomfortable, especially when you start doing. Oh, I mean, like that's, why is it this way? But like, many, many, if not most of the things that are good for me are hard. Yeah, best Western, it's good for you, but hard. It's all, it's all CrossFit. Best Western is CrossFit and talking to strangers.

Show up! Because that's what your mom and dad would want you to do. It's like going to a new church every Sunday. up. Because that's what your mom and dad would want you to do. It's like going to a new church every Sunday, best Western. Just feel those strangers eyes boring into you. Yeah, I, I do encourage people to send crabs. So, so get a bunch of your friends together. Mass crap. Well, whoa, whoa, hey. Yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. If you're mass-crabbing somebody, though, and you're not using Crabulo.us to distribute your crab photos, how are we getting paid? I don't know. I don't know, John. I'm not thinking a big picture here. I'm so sorry. Motel six would not approve of that wave of doing business heck.

Oh my God. I really, I don't think I've ever amused myself so much with the idea. Yeah, that like best western is now the super like socialist hotel chain. Hotel 6 is like, all right, we'll be the heart. We'll go right wing. Yeah, okay, you got y''ll be the heart. We'll go right wing. Yeah, okay. You got y'all go left wing.

We'll go right wing. It's going to work out. It's probably owned by the same company anyway. Right. It totally is just like. I wouldn't be totally surprised if the my pillow guy had a secret left wing pillow company. There's only one way to respond to the bread though.

You have to respond once. And if you don't hear back, you can't respond again. Like, that dynamic is there where it's like, don't be desperate about the bread, or maybe you could say, hey guys, can you send me some more bread? Man, that's like that. No.

Can you just say that? Is that, I feel like that's okay to be like, hey, I was just, it was so pleased. I think you reply with bread once. I know you're trying to to be like, hey, I was just, it was so pleased. I think you reply with bread once. I know you're trying to build human connections, Hank, and I support you now and never hurt or not. It's just very hard to not feel like a little overachiever there where you're like, no, this is done.

It's over. It's a little bit too earnest and response to stock photos of bread. And I love an earnest response, but I think that might be a little too full. Maybe you could get a bunch of other friends from high school and send them all crabs, and then take that. That's a great idea.

That's a great idea. And especially because it's 10 years later. Oh, it has 10 years past, did I miss that? Did you not remember the beginning of the question that's happened over 10 years ago, but it's still bothers me? So I did, I did miss that. That's it, so you get to,

that is exactly it. We have found it at last. You get together with a group of your friends from high school and you text all those people, craft pictures, no context, and then walk away. It's all over. Yeah, no, do not respond no matter how good the response. It does nothing else matters.

You have, you send one crab picture, all your other friends and one crab picture, these people, that's it. And the only way you respond is if they all respond with bread and then you all respond with crap. And then now it's a war. Yeah, they're not going to remember the bread. The funny thing is, you only Jay remembers the bread only, of course, only Jay remembers

the bread because only Jay experienced, wow, this is really weird. From their perspective, they're like just other Tuesdays to put pictures out. This next question comes from Emily who asks, dear Hank and John, do trees get soggy? I live in Minnesota and every spring when the snow melts, there's a lot of flooding. And currently there are a lot of trees under a few feet of water around rivers and creeks. Do these trees get soggy? How do they not absorb all the water that they're sitting in? I'm only asking because I don't want to wade through the water to find out myself, Emily. Emily, you couldn't figure it out yourself anyway. But also don't inter flood stage waters. I was going to say, I mean, just a little bit of

proper advice. Just don't get in the flood. Put it in my snorkel and look into the murky muddy, turned up, fast flowing water filled surrounded by who knows what's under there because it's, it's all new. It's not supposed to be even creak. Tris, yeah. Tris don't get soggy quickly, but they do get soggy eventually. That would be my guess from having observed a lot of trees underwater. Yeah, yeah, for sure. If these trees remained submerged for,

I don't know how long, but certainly for months or a year, they would die. And they would die because the roots need to do oxygen exchange. They need air, which is wild. Trees have to have oxygen at their roots. And so when you, and they're actually structures for trees that are always close or in water. So like swampy trees,

mangroves have these cypress knees are maybe probably. Right. There's a lot of conversation continues about the extent to which cypress knees are these oxygen exchanging organs, which are called pneumatophores. They are just like things that shoot up from the roots to be air roots. They're like separate roots that are for air, which is wild, that you need that.

But you need that. And so, mangroves have air roots and a bunch of several other kinds of trees have air roots. So, yeah, they do get water logged, but the problem isn't so much soggyness as it is air. All right, Hank, thank you for that unexpected lesson in botany. Here's an email from Bryn who writes to your John

and Hank a long time listener of the pod here. You used to do advertisements that had two promo codes so you could compete to see which ones used more. Why did you stop doing those? I thought they were funny. For the win, Brynn. I thank you so much for liking our joke. In reality, we never checked.

We never checked. We never checked to see who was winning, but we did find out that it was extremely successful. We had our ad sales person at the time was like, you all have a much higher rate than most podcasts. Then I was like, well, I don't want to be better than the other podcast. So we do are we started to tone it down a little so we wouldn't be doing such favors for our ad. We wanted to be normal amount of yeah, we want to be normal at we

wanted to be like an average league. podcast advertising host except for the brands that we really love and you can you can tell. But that reminds me though that if you go to awesomecoffeeclub.com and you enter in the promo code deer john. Oh yeah. You get two cents off. If you go to the awesomecoffeeclub.com and you enter the promo code deerhank you will also get two cents offclub.com and you enter the promo code DearHank, you will

also get two cents off your first order and you just choose which promo code you prefer. And yes, I said two cents. It's for charity. I'm not willing to make further sacrifices to our barge. I just set this up as John was talking. I had it open. So I'm doing it now, and I just need to make sure that it's applied to coffee and non-coffee items.

No, anything you buy in the awesome coffee store at AwesomeCoffeeClood.com. You now can get two cents off of. That's the dear John code setup, and now I'll just go ahead and do the dear hate code. All lowercase And now it's done Okay, all lowercase this next question comes from Karin who writes dear John and Hank How do woodpecker's not get concussions? They smack their heads repeatedly against trees for you're telling me Karin There's one that smacks their head repeatedly against the side of my home for hours, hours

and hours and hours. What does he think is in there? That's a signal. He's communicating. He's not trying to get inside. He's making noise. Oh. I thought that he was trying to express a certain affection for me and saying, when I'm

done with this and I've burrowed my way all the way through, I'm going to come and say hello. Why do woodpeckers not get concussions? Other animals, we're not the only animal that gets concussions. I'm not really. Absolutely not. Yeah, so why don't woodpeckers? Well, woodpeckers have, so this is actually, it's weird that you ask this this week because new research came out about this like last week and there's always, it's weird that you asked this this week because new research came out about this like last week. And there's always, there's been a lot of sort of talk about whether there's like a sort of a shock absorption type structure, the way that the woodpecker's tongue

wraps around its head. So we're not entirely clear about this, but we do know that it's a big problem that the woodpecker has had to evolve to solve for. And the current research indicates that the way that they have solved for it is just by having really tiny brains. So force equals mass times acceleration.

And the woodpecker wants to exert a lot of force on the wood, so it's got a move its head fast and have that much faster. Slow down very fast, so that deceleration is the acceleration in this case. Deceleration is a kind of acceleration. That's the force. It was to exert that force on the tree, but that force is also going to happen to its brain.

If the brain has a smaller mass, it will experience less force. Woodpecker is really tiny brains. One assumes, thus, are these stupidest birds in the forest and everybody laughs about it. Wow. Well, that's good to know. I like the idea of a like a raven trying to talk to a woodpecker and the woodpecker being like, I don't know. I was like, oh my god, why do we try?

Oh god, these people never shut up, but they also don't say anything interesting. Why are they politicizing pillows? That said, listen, I do not judge anybody for how they sleep. It's hard to fall asleep in this world right now. And whatever works for you, that's fine with me. I'm not near to touch. Do you want your story about this from your brother Hank?

Yeah, and in fact, I think I have to. So I take a medicine, it's an injection, and it gives me a local allergic reaction that can be really itchy for a week. But if I take Benadrill beforehand, then it's less of a problem. So every second Friday, I take some Benadrill and then I shoot myself in the leg,

and then I fall asleep like a king. Yeah, but then what I did this week is, because I've mostly recovered from COVID, I was like, I haven't had alcohol in three weeks because I've been trying to take care of myself. I'll have a glass of wine. And then I had a second glass of wine. And it turns out the Benadryl mixed with alcohol is bad.

Like, it says it on the market. It says it on the multiplier effect. Yeah, yeah, it's real bad. And I was watching RuPaul's Drag Race and I was like, am I having an allergic reaction to my medicine? Like, why do I feel so weird? I can't pay attention to anything. I've like very, like falling asleep, but like not in a good way. I'm like not in control. And I went to sleep and I woke up feeling just awful. Like, I got a tremendous hangover and I was like,

what did I do? And then I finally Googled it and I was like, oh, that's what I did wrong. Yeah, you never wanna mix depressants. Yeah, yeah, and I didn't sort of like hit the adrenaline. I mean, look in general, I feel like I need to walk that back and say like, don't do drugs.

This is first of all like don't do drugs First of all don't do drugs Read the package of your medicines. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And if you do do drugs like talk to somebody who knows more than your local advice podcast We've got green opinions about pillows and how to repraind us But like maybe isn't your number one guide to pharmacology. Yeah. But I do want to ask you this question from Allison because it's extremely important. Dear John and Hank, if Earth were somehow destroyed, I love a hypothetical, Allison, if Earth were somehow destroyed, wouldn't that probably affect Mars?

Like would it really be better to spread out the human race? Because I imagine like if Earth was gone, it would affect nearby things like for instance Mars and potentially even destroy Mars and all things being equal. I'd rather die on Earth than Mars, Alice. And Alice, and you are speaking my language. Well, how are we picturing the Earth gets destroyed? Because it really gets like blasted into lots of pieces

like a Death Star situation. Then yeah, I think Mars might experience some negative consequences, but most of the circumstances in which we talk about Earth being destroyed, we're mostly talking about it being like a less livable place or an unlivable place for people. And it just becomes continues to be a rock. Also, if Earth just disappeared, Mars would not notice, which is wild. I don't want to interrupt you, Hank,

but I do have a new slogan for Best Western that I think is really good. Okay, best Western. Die on Earth. If Earth disappeared Mars wouldn't even notice. That's also really good. Maybe that could be Motel Six's. Best Western. Die on Earth. Motel Six.

If Earth disappeared Mars wouldn't even notice. 44 dollars a night. Free cable. Free cable. If Earth disappeared, Mars wouldn't notice. Oh, great. If Earth disappeared, Mars wouldn't notice notice Allison. So we've got that going for us Mars. What is Earth is completely destroyed on Mars just another soul. Just another

soul on Mars. The sun goes up, the sun comes down. Which reminds me that this podcast is brought to you by the Martian soul. Just a little bit longer than an Earth Day, but because of that, this has to have its own name. Also, today's podcast is, of course, brought to you by New MatterForce. New MatterForce, I just learned about them. And this podcast is brought to you by the Bacon Cult. It definitely existed for at least five minutes ten years ago.

And of course, Tase Votk has brought you by the awesome coffee club, awesomecoffeeclub.coms. Use that promo code, Dear John, for two cents off. Or that promo code, Dear Hank, for two cents off. I love how you tried to emphasize the two differently to get people a different kind of excited like oh Forget about focusing on the sense. I'm gonna focus on the two I could change mine you don't know how to do it. I could change mine a three You should do it right now It's like to click all right. You changed it to three.

Boom. Saved. Ha ha ha ha. Hold on. I'm gonna figure out the back end. I'm gonna, now I'm gonna, now I'm gonna own, now I'm gonna be a software magnate like Hank Green by figuring out how to do that.

It's gonna, it's gonna figure out how to log and he's gonna make it four cents off. I can't read that project for awesome message while I nail down. He's gonna try and figure it out. I know how to do this. And we're not, I'm not gonna tell you if John figures it out or not.

You're gonna have to go to the website to find out if he did it. Big news. We have a project for awesome. We have, no. We have a project for awesome message from Michael Quincy to my wife, Joanna. I didn't want to say that.

That's not good. I don't mind. No. I don't mind. No. All right. Hank has lost the privilege of self-rearing the project for awesome message. I tried to give him a chance while I was maybe updating my promo code discount. We have a project for all of the message from Michael

Quincy to my wife, my wife, Joana. Ever since you listened through the entire Dear Handkern John archive, I knew I had to send you a message here. Thank you for all the ways you make me better. I have grown so much as a person and a friend because of you, you are an amazing human being and I am so honored to be your husband, never stop being you love Michael Quincy. That's so nice. That's very sweet. It's very sweet. It's very sweet.

It's for not ruining a job. It's so much better than if Hank had been allowed to read the rest of it. Did you see my promo code, by the way? No, you don't, you know, what did you do to a new one? I updated mine. Did you see my promo code, by the way? No, you don't, you know, what did you do to do a new one? I updated mine. I figured it out. You updated yours.

I'm checking, I'm refreshing right now. Aw. No, I gotta change it back. No, you can't, no, Hank, I can't do it. I can, look at me doing it. Oh my God, all right, well we'll see. We'll see. You'll have to, we'll see we'll see you long after you'll have to find out who wins who is the last person to go

back in a awesome coffee club and update the promo code This question comes from Brittany writes to your John and Hank Why is it so hard to get the last square of cinnamon toast crunch on the spoon? pumpkins and penguins Brittany have you noticed this? Well, John, because that's the wrong way to do it. It says right on the box, right by the part where it says, don't mix Benadryl and alcohol, it says, the last cinnamon toast crunch square is meant

to be drunk with the milk. But you really do, or water, yeah, but you really do have to, it is, it's like there is a magnetism And the spoon is charged opposite the last square of cinnamon toast crunch. I don't know what that's a fact everywhere You go everything you do. It's like no not today You got to drink me that's it. I just wanted to ask that question because it's something I've also noticed that is very weird. Is a great sponsor. I wish we could have got that one the last cinnamon comes to square. You got to drink me. You got to drink me.

Drink me. That's what it's yelling at you all you try and get it on your spoon. Okay, John. I have to ask this question. This from Willow who asks, dear, and can John, I have to ask this question. This is from Willow, who asks, Dear Ancon John, I work for a small business that makes old-fashioned soap based in North Idaho. Oh, that's not far away from me. My boss has explained that we don't actually know how soap was discovered.

There is a legend that says women discovered that their clothes were cleaner when they washed it, a certain river at the bottom of a hill. What supposedly happened was that there was, there are like animal sacrifices made at the top of the hill and the fat from the slaughtered animal was mixed with ash, which is a component of lie and run down collecting at the base.

And I wanna know if there is any proof of that willow. John, does that sound like the kind of thing that people just made up? Because it really does to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's because people just made up, because it really does to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's because people just made that up. And I wanna know what about,

what is it about it where I was like six times during that story I was like, that is a hundred percent something that somebody made up. Like how did I know? It sounded to me like it's something that somebody made up, but also when you read histories of food and people talk about how bread got invented, everybody is like, it just doesn't make any sense. So much, so much you'd have to figure out at the same time in order to make bread.

Like, it's really hard to figure out how you would figure out all of that. And so, yeah. And so on that level, it seems possible just because it does seem like it would be hard to figure out how to make soap. Like if you were coming at it from scratch, this is a, this is the issue that we all have in our current world, right? Which is that there is a lot of stuff that we could understand if only we understood six other things that we cannot understand without understanding the final thing.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It all depends on itself. So you can't actually understand it because that's not like a problem that like super intelligence can solve because you can't understand it unless you understand it, basic. Right. We have unknown unknowns that can't get us to the thing. But then somehow we still eventually figure stuff out, which is one of my favorite things about us. So how

did we figure out soap? Do you know? I don't know exactly. It was Mesopotamia times and they were dealing with like it's all you really need is lie and animal fat. And like when you're starting to do interesting things in the world, you notice that lie, which is a base, so like the opposite an acid, it accepts hydrogen ions. You notice that this like commonly occurring base does interesting stuff. And I think that like you have that

and you have, and like fat is also a super useful thing. Like it's not just for food, it's for all kinds interesting stuff. And I think that like you have that and you have, and like fat is also a super useful thing. Like it's not just for food, it's for all kinds of stuff. You used a lot of different ways. Yeah. Yeah. And so like you're maybe mixing those things together and it turns out that that originally that substance that was, you know, basically soap,

wasn't used to like wash people. It was used to wash textiles and to like make it so that they could make finer textiles from wool I think mostly. But anyway like the real the thing about this that makes that like the first red flag is that it's like dependent on animal sacrifice which feels like that's one of the four things you know about cultures that existed before our culture if you know four things. Right. And so the other bit of it is if you look

at the actual sort of legend, it's that it's called Mount Sappo and it's in Rome, which immediately I'm like, no, no, no. Like everybody's like, it was all done in Rome, and it's just like that's so like the thing that we did is we like attribute every discovery to Rome. And thus, to be fair, we attribute a few to the Greeks. Yeah, we give them a couple.

Yeah. So all of that added up to lots of fact red flags to me. That's a great observation that stories you can't trust tend to take place in ancient Rome or ancient Greece. Yeah, because we just wanted to tell a lot of stories about how like there was sort of a beginning of our culture, which is, right, you know, that that's right. People wanted to tell a story with the continuous thread.

And it's a very beautiful, easy to follow continuous thread if you make it up, which is what they did. Right. They also wanted to tell a story where Europe remained in the center. Yes. So Europe discovered culture in,

and so, two thousand years ago. And so, and then it sort of disappeared for a while, and then Europe rediscovered culture during the Renaissance and we've known it ever since. The one great story. The one real way to be. True. Yeah, but it's great. Yeah, like it's not it's actually really destructive, but it's narratively solid in a way that I think is appealing, especially if you're, you know, look, a lot of people have a lot of things that they've got to think about and they can't spend a lot of time thinking about the details of history. And so you want, you know, I understand the urge to want straightforward

narratives. I want straightforward narratives when it comes to astrophysics, you know, because it's not something I have the time or talent to learn a lot about. Yes, but I am so open to people who want to tell me. Yeah, and I think that's the key is we have to remember that stories are complicated, and if we think we have a simple story for why something is we may be oversimplifying. Yeah. I want to ask you one more question. I know that we have a time limit, but I think I was interested in this one.

This is Tyler who writes, dear John and Hank, what would Earth look like from space if it never had life on it? John. But the water still be blue. Life has to have changed the chemistry of earth's crust significantly. So I don't imagine the dirt or stones would be the same color. Would they? Not a windler, not a loseler, a tiger.

That's a really good name, specific sign-offs. That was work. Do you put in the work on that one time? Yeah, yeah, you spent a lot of time thinking about your own name. Nice. That's good. John, so we don't know, of course. We don't know what the earth would look like if it weren't for life. But there is totally the potential that without, so like carbon dioxide accumulates and right in the way that it works on Earth is that like carbon

dioxide is emitted and then things immediately take that carbon out of the atmosphere and build life out of it. And then oxygen is left and then humans breathe that in and animals. So like this system is actually quite good at keeping the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere low. We are combating that now through a lot of old fossilized carbon, but still it's comparatively, compared to Venus, for example, quite low. There is sort of like a potential, like, clear path that actually Earth without life would have ended up a lot like Venus, in which case, the oceans would not be blue

because there would be no oceans. The planet would be hundreds of degrees, it would be maybe even of degrees. It would be like maybe even because like oceans kind of aid and plate tectonics, like we wouldn't have active plate tectonics. Like the extent to which, all minerals, like all the minerals you hear about, almost like almost all of them are oxides because oxygen is really reactive and it's like when it's in the atmosphere it reacts with stuff that's in, but like oxygen wouldn't exist in the atmosphere without life like when it's in the atmosphere, it reacts with stuff that's in, but like oxygen wouldn't exist in the atmosphere without life.

So like all of the minerals, like most of the minerals you hear about, like wouldn't be things without life. It would be such like it is really hard to understand the extent to which earth is a living place and would not be anything like the way that it is without it. It is just a life ball. It's so cool. And like the impact, like life has such a tremendous impact on the geology of the planet that you almost cannot separate them from each other. Wow. That's amazing. It's super cool. We should make a size show about it.

It's great. I think that's a great question. I mean, that'd be a great video. Yeah. I have some news from AFC Wimbledon that happened entirely on this ball of life. Okay. So Wimbledon are continue their preseason campaign.

They just played Ipswich Town and lost three nil. And I in a moment of true despair tweeted, not from my sports account, but from my main account. Does anyone know of somebody who can score goals? And as if by magic, we have seen Wimblevin have signed two strikers in the last five days. One, first, we have Josh Davidson,

who played last year for Swindon Town. He's 22 years old, he scored a lot of goals last year. Okay. And I would say, look, we've talked before about how there are broadly speaking two kinds of soccer players, especially goal scoring soccer players. Big bottom's smalls. Yeah. Smaller people with bigger bottoms.

Yeah. Small bottom biggs. Can I guess I'm looking at a picture? This looks like a, this looks like a, a big bottom small. I agree. James Davidson looks to looks like a big bottom small. I agree. James Davidson looks to me like a big bottom small. Well, Hank, have I got a piece of news for you? Okay.

Which is that we also signed a small bottom big. Specifically the biggest small bottom big in all of professional football. Okay. We used to have the biggest big bottom small, yeah, with professional football, Auduboac and Fenwa. Now we have Kyle Huddwin,

six feet, nine inches tall. It's skinny as you like. Wow, classic. Where is this bottom? It's gone. Small bottom big. Where is this bottom? It's gone. Small bottom big. There's no bottom there. Kyle Huddlin, and Josh Davison are going to be,

I don't want to get ahead of myself, the greatest strike partnership in the 130 year history of our football club. AFC Wimbledon are going back to league one. We're going to be promoted as champions on the back of a strike partnership, the likes of which the world has never seen and AFC Wimbledon manager, Johnny Jackson,

is going to be hailed as a hero just for these two signings. Now, terribly sad news that was also inevitable and we all knew it was coming. Jack Rudy Rudoni, who has played for AFC Wimbledon since he was eight years old and whose parents has played for AFC Limbledon since he was eight years old and whose parents I believe are AFC Limbledon season ticket holders, has accepted a transfer to Huddersfield Town, a team in the second division that has a really good

chance actually, potentially of being a Premier League team next year. And so, or two seasons from now. And that's where he was always headed. I mean, he was just a really good player. And it's great for us to be making really good players from our academy and then having them sign to big teams. Also, I think we got paid around a million dollars, which is not, which is a lot of money for AFC Wimbledon. So we wish Rudy all of the best. He will always be, I mean, from the age of like seven or eight, he has been a Wimbledon

player and he will always be a don to us, but he needed to go. I mean, his level is much higher than where Wimbledon will be playing. So it's appropriate. It's the right thing. It's good for everybody involved. I hope that he has an awesome long career. And we have a strike partnership that will hopefully produce a lot of goals. Well, that is actually,

sounds like very good news because it seemed like the problem you had was that no one could, was a goal scorer. It sounds like a small bottom big or a big bottom small. And that's a secret result. I got that, yeah. I'm glad that I was able to correctly identify Josh. Just by looking. To be fair, they don't make it hard.

They are both classic fillers of their role. Yeah, I think if I had seen the other guy first, I would have been quite certain which one he was. He scores a lot of goals with his head. He's a bit of a with his head. So he's, he's, there were nobody else in. Yeah, exactly. He is. I got this whole head.

He's on everybody else. It's beautiful. I love it. I'm so excited. Yeah, that's your field down there. This is my field up here. Right, exactly. What's we could do about six foot two?

That's where I play the game. Up here. Right. Exactly. What's we could do about six foot two? That's where I play the game up here. This week is the rim. This week in Mars News, great news for Mars as well. The Perseverance Rover has collected its first sample from the Jezero Delta. So it's been on its way to this Delta for a long time. It's been 31 souls traveling three miles on the way it collected eight rock samples. And the persevered steam was very excited to get to the Delta because it is full of Delta stuff. It's just sediment that was laid down by a river and scientists want to study it to see if there are any signs of ancient life or just understand the geology of the planet better has taken some time to find the right rocks to collect on Mars.

Some were too fragile, others were too rough to drill, turned out. They eventually narrowed down on a rock that they named Skinner Ridge, which you can go take a look at. And they collected a 6.7 centimeter long core that they named that as well. That's named Swiftrun. It's the longest core that they named that as well. That's named SwiftRun. It's the longest core that they have collected so far, the Perseverance mission. And I'm very happy for them

and that it's continuing to happen. And you can check out all the photos by just googling those words I told you. Wow. It's on the Delta. That's really exciting. That seems like we're getting close to a proper river. I mean, that's right. Not anymore, but a place that was a river.

Oh, ancient river, yes. It's put on Mars for 500 days now. Why? Really? Yeah. I mean, that has been one fast slow 500 days. Hahaha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As a, as a wild 500 days, I mean, that's been an extremely perseverant 500 days of perseverance. Is what I would say about that. Yeah. I was thinking recently, well, let's just, let's end the podcast because I want to talk about the thing that I was thinking recently on this weekend stuff, our hit Patreon, only podcast at Patreon.com slash deer hankajon, where we talk about the stuff that delights us although

We might soon transform it into a podcast where we just rebrand brands Yeah, we accept submissions Yeah, brands and we do all the work for you That's right John think you're making a podcast with me if you want to email us your questions Please do that because we wouldn't have a podcast without them, and you can send them to Hank and John at gmail.com.

This podcast is edited by Joseph Tuneim Eddish. It's produced by Rosie on a Halls Throw House. Our communications coordinator is Julia Bloom. Our editorial assistant is Deboki Chokavarti. The music you're hearing now is by the great Gunnarola. And as they say in our hometown, go to get the coffee now, because it's now you don't have anything to do. The podcast is over. What are you gonna do next?

Dear John is your promo code dear Hank John is not gonna get you nearly the discount We'll see about that