Dear Hank & John - 46: Brotherhood 3.0

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

Where are all the Bob Ross paintings? Why is a minor injury more painful to me than literal childbirth? How do I get myself a surprise party? And more!

How to do your Hank and John Or is that for the good dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast about death, where me and my brother John answer your questions, give you a do-be a advice and bring you all the week's news from both bars in AFC Wimbledon except this week we're not going to do that because this is being recorded in advance. How are you doing John? I'm doing well, thanks for asking. It's so sweet of you to be thoughtful like that.

The other thing that we need to say Hank is that in addition to this podcast being recorded very far in advance, we're taking a week off after this week, which is good news for people who don't like dubious advice, but bad news for people who love AFC Wimbledon and get their AFC Wimbledon news only from Deer John and Hank, which I know is a pretty significant portion of fans of the podcast. Most of them I assume listen for the news from AFC Wimbledon. Just follow me on Twitter or follow AFC Wimbledon on Twitter to find out what happened whether the dons did indeed qualify for the playoffs. Oh, so this is happening like right at the like most important moment in the history of this year's AFC Wimbledon.

Arguably the most important moment in the history of AFC Wimbledon, potentially because potentially we have a 25% chance of going up to League 1 and becoming the greatest third tier soccer team in not just the history of England, but the whole history of the universe. Oh, that's exciting, John. Well, I'm doing well as well. Um, and we're gonna answer some questions. Does that, oh no, you got a poem. Hey, got a poem.

Hey, hey, poem. Hey, poem. Usually we have a poem this part of the day. But? Well, do you want one? Yeah. Well, I mean, as much as I ever do. I thought we'd read another poem from Francis Cornford, Hank the poet whose husband was named Francis Cornford. This one is called The Guitarist Tunes Up. With what attentive courtesy he bent over his instrument, not as a

lordly conqueror who could command both wire and wood, but as a man with a loved woman might, inquiring with delight what slight essential things she had to say before they started, he and she, to play. It's a little dirty, but you know, my figure we can handle it. Yeah, all right. All right, Hank, should we answer some questions from our listeners? Yeah, this question comes from Lisa

who writes, dear John and Hank, my fiance is starting a startup. He has funding and everything. It's super swell. This isn't his first time doing the startup thing, but it is his first time doing it in a serious relationship. He's already starting to feel pulled in multiple directions, like going to bed, getting

up, doing all the workstang, and shape plus normal day-to-day eating, cooking, cleaning, stuff, and feels stressed because he doesn't feel like he's working enough. It is true that if you were working more, the products would get out the door faster, but it's also true that if he burns himself out in the process, it's moot. As busy, well-rounded business people in successful relationships, what words of advice would you have for us? I love the idea of a successful relationship. Every day of my relation is full of success. I love the idea that we are well-rounded business people. I don't know anyone in my life who is less well-rounded than Hank. What a meme! I mean that you spend,

you regularly send emails at 315 in the morning. Uh, I mean, cause it's part of my roundness. It's, you gotta go all the way around if you wanna be around. Yes, Hank is an extremely well-rounded individual as long as you are only measuring work output. It happens at all times.

I, oh yeah, I don't know. It's going to be a hard one for me because I don't know that I'm that good at this actually. I don't think you're at all good. I do, I do work out at least twice a week. I sometimes make dinner, like two or three times a week. I watch maybe an hour or two of TV a day, and I read probably one book a month. So I feel like I do okay. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, okay, that's fine.

So what is your tip? Where, I mean, you are somebody who has a lot, has done a lot of starting up of companies that have become successful and now you have to run them while also starting up new companies to fill some gaping hole in your heart that only apparently more business ideas can fill. So what is what is what is your advice? Well, I mean, I kind of think it's it's a it's a bit of a shame

that this is how it's structured now that like you have to dedicate yourself a hundred hours a week to one thing in order to compete with all the people who are you know, dedicating themselves to something for 90 hours a week, because that's the only way to get ahead, and that's how your, you know, your investors are looking at you for your output, and to get the product out, and I mean, it is such a struggle, and like, my life isn't like that,

because in the end, I don't have investors. I am responsible to my employees. I am responsible to myself investors. I am responsible to my employees. I am responsible to myself. And I'm responsible to my audience. But in the end, if there's a reason why I can't do something, I can say that reason. And it's not someone who's paying me or has this very interesting relationship that

funders have with founders. So I don't, I get to make a lot more decisions I feel like than the average business owner in terms of how I spend my time. But my suggestion, but the main thing is, okay, here's my tip, figuring out how to not feel like you're being lazy when you are in fact taking care of yourself

is about valuing that, is about valuing the other things in your life. And because of this, I have a kind of unhealthy way of looking at it, but it is the only way I can manage to do it where I think of the things like taking care of myself, taking care of my relationships as projects in the same way as I think of my businesses.

And so I'm like creating a happy, pleasant home environment that I enjoy and that is constructive to me is in itself an important venture that an important project that I am taking on, and one of the big projects of my life, and one of the most important things that I will do with my life, and looking at it that way allows me

to not feel like I'm not working enough when I'm doing something that isn't traditionally considered work. That's what I got. I like that answer a lot. I do think that adulthood for me has largely been about prioritization and then to a lesser extent about weight gain. And then the third thing that I would say that adulthood has been about for me has been

eschatological anxiety. I have a lot of worry about the end of me and then to a lesser extent of the species. Well, that's... Well, we got there early, John. Okay, we've got another question. This one's from Carly Grace, asks dear Hanken John. Bob Ross said multiple times that he's painted over 30,000 paintings and I want one. He also said he's donated over 2,000 of them. Where are those 28,000 other paintings? That's a lot of paintings. I imagine if he had like five paintings, they would each be

each be worth huge sums of money, but because this man painted so many, they might not be worth that much. Sentimentality, sure. But because there are so many, can I just pick one up for $20? Where does one find a Bob Ross painting? Hank, I do not know the answer to this question, do you? I kind of know the answer to this question in that if Bob Ross painted 30,000 paintings, which he said that he did, and I'm gonna trust that he did, I, they all have homes. People like them and they have them, and they're on their walls,

and they do not want to sell them, because it is very hard to find a Bob Ross painting. It is. And you can buy them, but they are expensive. They're like $10,000, or like thousands of dollars at least. And there are also a lot of various kinds of Bob Ross paintings and some, like he did a lot of smaller ones.

Before he was a person on TV, he would paint gold panning pans when he lived in Alaska. And so those are like it very valuable because he did them a long time ago versus smaller canvases versus, and I think a lot of them were given away to it, like friends and family and students and, um, and donated and then purchased and fund drives by PBS people and, uh, and the people who have those want to keep them. And there are a lot of Bob Ross fans in the world.

And having a Bob Ross fan, uh, Bob Ross panting on your wall is a really cool thing to have. And so amazingly enough, you can have painted 30,000 paintings and still have people want to pay lots of money for them. Pretty crazy. It is, although to be clear, I don't think there are 30,000 Bob Ross paintings in circulation. I think a lot of those have been lost or maybe he painted them over. Who knows? a lot of those have been lost or maybe he painted them over. Who knows? We don't have a great idea of how many Bob Ross paintings are currently in circulation. Yes, and certainly less than 30,000 or even 28,000 because probably when he's saying that, this is Bob Ross saying, I've painted a lot of paintings. That is how I am now able to do this quickly and well, but a lot of those paintings were probably just scrapped.

And like, I don't like this, I don't like this, I don't like this. And that's part of the process of being a creator is that oftentimes, you know, as, you know, John certainly knows, you do not publish every word you write. And I'm sure. I have published fewer novels than I have written.

And I'm sure that that's true for Bob Ross that he painted a lot more paintings than that ended up being in the hands of other people. It occurs to me belatedly that lots of people probably don't know who Bob Ross is. He was a painter who painted on public television in the United States and encouraged the idea that everyone had sort of the ability to paint

and helped us sort of like see art as something that regular people did, not just that was done by geniuses and ivory towers. Hank, we have another question. This one comes from Paul, who writes, Dear John and Hank, over the past year, I've watched my favorite soccer team, Aston Villa, become the worst team in the English Premier League. I am from the US, and I have been a fan for about five years, but since the second tier of English football is not televised in the States, an Aston Villa will certainly be relegated within the next few weeks.

Bad news. That will certainly be relegated. Must be changed now, Paul, to has indeed been relegated. Is it wrong to swap my favorite teams? It feels disloyal after closely following them for years, but I have no other choice if I'm gonna get my English football fix. So here's my answer, Paul, and I'm interested to see what Hank thinks about this question just kidding. He has no opinion. First off, you can watch the championship, the second tier of English football on TV.

It's on B in sports, not every game is televised, but lots are. It's not necessarily an HD broadcast, but it is, it is a television broadcast, which frankly, I would kill to watch AFC Wimbledon every week, and I'm not exaggerating. I would kill. No, I would. People die all the time. Yeah, I mean, you know, we're going to, I'm going to need like I wouldn't. I wouldn't. People die all the time. Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm gonna need like more context on who I'm killing

and what, no, I wouldn't kill. So I would say my experience following AFC Wimbledon from afar, which I'm lucky if they have one televised game per year is that it is still very fulfilling and I'm able to watch Premier League soccer and enjoy it even when Liverpool isn't playing as a neutral fan.

And so I think you can have a second team. I think sometimes it's good to have a second team. It's nice to have a rooting interest. But I don't think that you should leave Aston Villa behind, not least, because I think they are very likely to head back to the Premier League within the next couple of years. So I wouldn't leave Aston Villa, but your support for Liverpool is always welcome.

All right, that's all I have to say on that myself. This question is from Krista, who asks, dear Hank Adjohn, I recently went through natural childbirth without drugs or uttering even one single curse word. So I consider myself pretty tough. However, the other day I pulled at a hang nail and it pulled too far. Every time I move that finger, I think, ouch, that hurts. Why is this very small, stupid injury so troublesome?

I mean, I don't know. The idea of enduring natural childbirth without the benefit of obscenity just seems unthinkable to me. I know that wasn't the question, but I just want to say that for the record. I have witnessed childbirth on a few occasions, and the thought of not having profanity at your disposal in that time of need just seems unfathomable. Yeah, I also am amazed. But now that I do know though, John, this wonderful thing that when I get a really bad hang now, I'm basically experiencing the same pain as childbirth.

So. I don't think that's accurate. Christa, I would say that- Christa seems to think so. The only thing I'd say, Christa, is that your fingertips have a lot of nerve and things so that you can feel things. And that may be part of why it hurts so much, but I can't imagine that it actually hurts more

than childbirth, not least because my wife is in the next room and just came out from that room to look into this room, to look at me very sternly, to make clear that childbirth is very painful, much more painful than a hang now. Yeah, it may be a matter of scale and being like going into the experience saying, this is going to hurt very badly versus there is this thing that happens to me all the time, and it's stupid, and why, why, why does this hurt so bad and is a useless tiny, tiny, tiny thing.

It shouldn't and so you think it's so one would be like, why? This is dumb. All right, Hank, let's move on to another question. This one is from Megan who writes, Dear, John, and Hank. What do you think are the top five best things humanity has ever invented? Ah, this is a great question. Should we do the fun list or the real list?

No, I think we should do the real list. What are the top five all-time things that humanity has invented. Language. That's a good one. That's a good one. And now there's a question of like, do you count like fire, which we didn't invent,

but we did master and it's proven very useful. Well, you can say that we invented the processes with the creation of fire. So like for instance, we didn't really invent penicillin so much as we discovered it, but it's been huge. However, I would not rank penicillin in the top five. I would rank language in the top five. I think that's a good one.

All right, Hank, what about this is my sort of 20th century, actually 19th century nomination for the top five, the steam engine. Um, good. I was actually going to say, yeah, yes. So, um, I, can we put the steam engine together with the electrical generator? Could that be one? Because then definitely. Yes, I think we almost have to.

I mean, like, steam engines were good and electricity slacking them to generators. Slashing the steam engine. That's it. Yeah, okay. And those were very different times and happened in different people and different places, but that's a good one. What about sanitation, slash, sewers, slash toys?

Yeah, I think that's a really good one. I think that, yes, that basically allowed for cities to work. Yeah, it's one of my top five, just because I'm such a big fan of not cholera. I think that we would be remiss to leave out the invention of taking a seed that you want to grow and putting it in the ground intentionally for it to grow there. That was huge agriculture. Agriculture and the ideal of the processes that go along with agriculture of selecting the things that went well and having, you know, planting go along with agriculture of selecting the things that went well and having,

you know, planting those more and then selecting the things that went well over and over again through generations has been a really big one. Yeah, we've got one more. I think that we're on the same page about what the fifth one has to be. Ah, is it? Let's just say it on three.

Ready? One, two, three. Vaccines. Bolling pins. Oh, bowling pins are great, but I think vaccines are an even bigger deal than the personal computer. I would be all right without the personal computer.

I don't, I mean, we wouldn't have this podcast. That's for sure. But I don't think I'd be all right without vaccines. No, I mean, antibiotics are a really big deal too. Yeah, no, I like antibiotics, but I think vaccines are a bigger deal. I'm not sure which one I think is bigger. I'm not sure which one I think is bigger.

I guess, you know, vaccines probably bigger than antibiotics. It's hard. I don't know. Yeah, they're both great. I'll tell you what, when people ask me like, what period of the past I'd like to go back to, just none, none, because all of those periods in the past, terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

Terrible full of gangrene. Full of not garlic bread. Just like gangrenous, horrifying anesthesia of free surgeries. Yeah, give me, yeah. Uh, uh, uh. Give me, give me podcasts. Give me iPhones. You know what I was thinking about I love recently Hank toothpaste. Ah yeah I like toothpaste too. I think it's a good I think it's a good job. And floridaated water there's so many things that I love about 21st century

living. You know another thing that I think is an under appreciatedreciated invention, photography. Oh, the idea that we can use light and time to create an image, it's just a fascinating idea that we never had that idea for like 99.9% of human history. Right, and the, you know, for historians, it's so huge because what we paint and what we draw and what we sculpt is very, you know, like, it's never, it's oftentimes not accurate. We're trying to create pieces of art

that have a lot of context with regards to the moment that they are created in, but we lose all of that context, whereas with a photograph, at least we know that this is the moment that they are created in. But we lose all of that context, whereas with a photograph, at least we know that this is, this is the thing that, and you know, sometimes like there's context there too, but like you can see what things looked like, how people dressed, and yeah, like.

Yeah, although you're always, I mean, you're always seeing, to an extent, even with a photograph, you're seeing a staged image, right, that's something that's hard to remember because photographs feel there's a great essay about this by Susan Sontag on photography, where she talks about how, you know, photographs seem real, but of course, you know,

they aren't, or at least we need to like interrogate their realness. But I am just completely bowled over by the photograph. And we take it for granted because we live in this world that's super saturated with images where most people around the world have images in their homes, on their walls. We take images for granted now, access to images,

but it's all very new. It is and very cool. Do you want another question? Sure, I could just talk about inventions all day, but yeah's all very new. It is, and very cool. Do you want another question? Sure, I could just talk about inventions all day, but yeah, that's what's another one. We've got one from Lorraine who asks, Dear Hank and John, how do you ask for a surprise party? I want one, but it wouldn't be a surprise

if I told someone that I wanted it. Your dubious advice is needed. Well, Lorraine, the first thing you do is you just ask your friends to listen to dear Hank and John. Right. Yeah. Because you have a pretty unusual name, Lorraine. I'm not unprecedented, certainly, but fairly unusual. So Lorraine is friends and or family. She wants a surprise party. Give Lorraine a surprise party and make it truly surprising. Don't make it on Lorraine's birthday. That's right.

I mean, make it a surprise party. I think that this goes for everyone who knows anyone named Lorraine. And if you have... That's right, all Lorraine is love surprise parties. That's a rule here. If you throw a surprise Lorraine a party, send us your pictures of it. We'll put them up on the Patreon.

And I'm very excited, especially if they are the wrong Lorena. Just like shower Lorena's around the world with stunning parties. It's just like 85 year old your grandmother named Lorena, get a surprise party. I'm into it. Yeah, she just like comes home at the end of the day, long day, doing whatever 85 year olds do when they go out, comes back home.

There's like 300 people in her house chanting Lorraine. Lorraine, Lorraine. I'm sure that 85 year old grandmother's love that kind of thing. Absolutely, absolutely. Hey, are you a surprise party fan? Uh, I don't know that I've ever had one. I had one, I hated it.

I, uh, and I feel bad because it's totally possible I haven't I forgot. No, I had one I remember. It was, uh, before Sarah and I, uh, started dating. And it was, it was a very well-intentioned surprise party. The problem is I don't like parties, and I certainly don't like having them sprung upon me. I have to work myself up for several weeks to prepare for any kind of social engagement.

So to walk into a restaurant thinking that you're going to have dinner with just one person and to find that instead you're going to have dinner with like 18 of them, it just made my stomach hurt. And I think also that they're like at certain, like there's, there becomes, there's an age at which it doesn't make sense because you're gonna celebrate the person's birthday party no matter what. And so you're not gonna have a surprise birthday party because they know that there's a birthday party because, but like after a certain age, then you start not necessarily having kind of a thing every year. And so the surprise becomes like easier to pull off. Um, well, Lorraine, it doesn't mention a birthday. No, she doesn't. That's, that's why I think a surprise party for Lorraine has to be not on a birthday

because then you see it coming. It has to be a truly random surprise part. Uh, what, what I'm worried about John, and I think this is a legitimate concern, is that no one who knows Lorraine listens to Dear Hank and John, or they think we're kidding, which we're not. Well, Lorraine is obviously going to tell people, like, oh, you really need to listen to the newest episode of Dear Hank and John. It's such a fantastic podcast about death. If you don't listen to it, you're not really going to be sucked in.

By the way, Hank, can I just ask you a somewhat related question that I just I find this a fascinating question to ask people along the lines of how you ask people with their favorite bridge is to try to get to know them? Do you remember or can you remember a wonderful surprise moment in your life? Like if I asked, what was the best surprise of your life? What would you say? You know what I mean? I could never have had like one of those like bolts of lightning from out of nowhere. That's just wonderful news. Yeah. Yeah. The first thing that came to my mind was realizing that my, my, that this girl that I was really into was also into me. That seemed so unlikely, so impossible.

I didn't believe it, but all the signs pointed to it and I had to make myself accept it. I've got some others though. There was a large media company that wanted to buy my blog once. And getting that email was just like, what? I'm gonna make money. It didn't end up happening. I was gonna say, they didn't fell apart

when the economy collapsed in 2008. Yeah. And that was definitely one of them. Also getting that email saying that like the first like three years of vlog breathers was like that happening like once a month. And that was just not the first seven months of vlog breathers. But yes, I know what you mean. Well, there was just there were a lot of a lot of like, oh my God, this is happening, this is happening and it was very exciting. And that sort of culminated in getting an email from someone being like, do you want to go interview

the president, which was a pretty intense surprise? But like, that wasn't as like wonderful though, because it also came with this whole bag of anxiety. Right, it all comes with all this stress. Yeah, the ones that stick out for me are first and foremost, the day that I would, we'd just moved to Indianapolis in, I think July of 2007,

and I was on my computer looking at the front page of YouTube and I saw your face, and I realized that we'd been featured on YouTube, and that like our lives were dramatically different than they had been 10 minutes ago. And then the other that comes to mind is when I found out about the movie deal for looking for Alaska, which has become a very complicated moment in my life 11 years later. But at the time, you know, was by far the most money that I'd ever made from writing and made it possible for us to move to New York and lots of other things.

And it really did happen like out of nowhere. And so that was a pretty fun moment. I just think it's nice to remember those surprise moments. It gives me a little jolt of encouragement in my life. I've got a somewhat related question from Megan who asks, dear Hank and John, I love listening to the podcast. It beats out all other podcasts in my listening lineup. So wow.

And I have started to refer to it in my head as Brotherhood 3.0. Is listening to the podcast anything like watching the Brotherhood 2.0. Is listening to the podcast, anything like watching the Brotherhood 2.0 videos when they first came out? I feel like I am now truly enjoying the Nerdfighters as part of something and not just catching up. Congrats on a year of potting almost.

And do either of you surf? No, neither of us surf. I don't think. John, did you start surfing? I surf a lot of the internet. That's right. That's right. That's right. I wanted to talk about this because it is, yeah.

It is a lot like that in some way. Yeah, it feels more like Brotherhood 2.0 than anything that we've done since 2007. Yeah. And that's a wonderful feeling. I hope that it's fun for our listeners, but it is a wonderful feeling for us. It's wonderful to see people make like Jurassic Mars artwork. It's wonderful to see people make jokes about Ryan, whose name is Ryan. By the way, I just want to be clear about that.

It wasn't Ryan's fault. Ryan didn't repeat Ryan's name over and over again in Ryan's email. It was me repeating Ryan's name. Ryan is not to blame for this situation. Only I am to blame. But yeah, it is really fun to have that back and forth and to feel like things are, you

know, like it feels like a community where lots of stuff is getting created on top of lots of other stuff, which is how Brotherhood 2.0 felt for me. And yeah, I haven't had that feeling since 2007. So I think you're on to something. Yeah, I mean, I think that it lasted longer than 2007, but I think that now there's so much built up on the YouTube channel and I feel a lot of responsibility to make content that I'm very careful about and that is, you know, like I spend a lot of time thinking about that content and I feel I feel like I have to because it has a broad audience and it has potentially

gets watched by lots of people. They're not all the time. And recently we had a video on Vlog where there's that probably got fewer listens or views than a podcast. But. Yeah, it's kind of true. I mean, it's just fun. I don't know.

This is so much fun. It's so purely fun. of true. I mean, it's just fun. It's just, I don't know, this is so much fun. It's so purely fun, you know what I mean? It feels way more accessible because like, we don't put, like, we don't build up, not all of this, like, infrastructure is built up on it and we're just messing around and like, that's really nice and I'm really glad that we're doing it. Even though this is the second one we've done in a row

and my voice hurts a little bit and I've've gotten hungry, and I have to pee. But let's keep going. Well Hank, we have a question as it happens from Ryan. Oh! It's not the same Ryan, but I'm just so excited about it. Ryan writes, dear John and Hank, my name is Ryan. That's what I've got. I'm just reading it.

I'm just reading it. I promise. And I, comma, Ryan, am currently in my second year of college. He didn't repeat himself, but I'm just gonna keep doing it. I'm a writer, a soccer player, a devout lover of Harry Potter, and a brother. I also happen to be gay. I like to think that being gay doesn't define me as a person, but as I've gone through adolescence and been introduced to some of the realities of adulthood,

I found my experiences to be inexorably filtered through the lens of my individual perspective. Like I find it very difficult, for example, to even begin to imagine any high school experience that doesn't feature acute and exhausting bullying due to sexual orientation. Similarly, I find it virtually impossible to imagine a life that doesn't include the utterly terrifying experience of coming out. This is problematic for me as a writer, because of course the majority of people don't see through this lens, and yet I find myself struggling to see anything outside of it. How do I remove this lens from my perspective so that I can empathize with and tell the stories of people with different experiences, people who live with different realities?

Or maybe is it just my job as someone from the LGBT community to tell the stories of LGBT people? I would very much appreciate your dubious advice. I mean, our advice on this is going to be especially dubious because it's so far outside of our own experience. But I do think Ryan brings up a really important point here, Hank, which is that we talk a lot about people from the dominant culture, writing outside of that dominant culture, trying to tell stories outside of that dominant culture, writing outside of that dominant culture or trying to tell stories outside of that dominant culture.

We almost never talk about the opposite, like this great YA writer Daniel Jose Older, who's also a great follow on Twitter, wrote about how he wants to see a panel at a conference about writing someday, where it's all writers of color talking about how to write white people, because we have all of these panels where white people talk about how to write about characters of color. And I think it's a really, really good point that it's another way that we are sort of like focused on the dominant culture.

I don't think it's my place to tell you what kind of stories to write, Ryan. But I, from my own experience, especially with my first novel, it was impossible for me to put away the lenses of my own experience because that's a big part of what I wanted to write and that's a big part of, you know, what made me want to tell a story in the first place. And the other thing I'd say is that you're in a big part of what made me want to tell a story in the first place. And the other thing I'd say is that you're in your second year of college, like you're still finding your own writing voice, you're still processing your own experiences of high school.

And so I think inevitably they're going to shape your writing. And I think that's good news. I think the world needs to hear that story and I don't think that you should feel bad about wanting to tell it. I do think that over time, you learn how to use your own experiences to imagine what life might be like for a fictional character and that's a big part of this kind of imaginative leap of writing, but I'm never going to be able to write a character who went to high school and loves Harry Potter and knows what it's like to be bullied about their sexual orientation the way that you can. And I think that's good news for you. And I think that's part of why I want to see your story

in the world. That was a really good answer. And I don't have a ton to add. Well, why don't we ask one more question since we don't have news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon this week. Wait, Hank! What? We've totally forgotten about our sponsors. We did forget about our sponsors, John.

And I apologize to our sponsors. I'm so sorry, sponsors. Who include the art of Bob Ross. Mm. Bob Ross is art. It's available sometimes on eBay for lots of money. But also there are other artists that you can purchase their work for less money

who probably needs your money more than Bob Ross, who is dead. That was such a good advertisement. Hey, you should really get into professional full-time advertising. I think that's how it works. Today's podcast is also brought to you by a well-rounded balanced life, a well-rounded, balanced life.

Kind of foreign to us, actually. Yeah, a little bit. This podcast is also brought to you by Lorraine's birthday party, or any kind of surprise party for Lorraine. Whichever Lorraine for whatever reason, Lorena's, they need you to celebrate them. In a surprising way. And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by Agriculture.

Agriculture, the invention that made it all possible. Oh yeah. And also language, that's an important part of making it all possible. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's funny. I wonder if we could have had agriculture without language. I also wonder are emojis language? Because if not, does that mean

that my new 700 page novel written entirely in emojis is a post linguistic novel? John, you probably should have tried to write an entire novel with just facial expressions. So just film yourself for hours making facial expressions and see what kind of story you could tell. That sounds like a terrible idea. Well, so does a 700 page emoji novel, John. Well, you're gonna love it.

It's full of surprises, including airplane trips, fires, and smiling poop. We've got a couple of things before we get to our last question that are just responses that I want to talk to. Emily writes in to say that during an episode and much to her horror, Hank called bananas appealing and nobody laughed. I did not mean to make that joke, but I am also horrified. And we've got another one from...

I mean, that is just such a terrible pun, but I would like to congratulate Emily on noticing it. Also, Liam wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, this isn't really a question, but it is important. In one of the podcast, Hank recommended asking someone what their favorite bridge was in order to start a conversation that isn't your everyday, hey, what's up. Well, I said this to a girl I liked, and now I am going to prom with her. Success, I guess all of your advice is not dubious.

Liam, if you walked up to a girl, asked her what her favorite bridge was, and then like within a couple hours she was your prom date, let me submit that Hank's advice had nothing to do with it. Very little. Very little. Congratulations though, I hope you have a wonderful prom. Hank, I'm gonna be crashing a prom this year.

Did I tell you that? No, that's weird. I crash a prom every year. What? Yeah, so every year there's this great fundraiser for an organization I'm not gonna name. Lesda, hardcore fans show's this great fundraiser for an organization. I'm not gonna name less hardcore fans show up at the fundraiser and

But downstairs from it. There's a prom and every year I sneak in with with some of my friends Do people recognize you ever? Oh, no, no, they just think that they think that we're shaperones right? I guess that makes sense. Yeah, so anyway looking forward to crashing prom again this year, it should be fun. Sounds like it's gonna be a great time. Alright, Hank, let's ask one more question or answer one more question, but we could also ask one, why don't you ask it and I'll answer it. Okay, I've got a final question for you, John. Who, boy? This question is from...

I've got it, it's from Grace. Mm-hmm. Who asks, dear Hank and John, I am absolutely furious with the minds of humans on this planet. I am so utterly and completely full of rage, and the root of this anger can only be traced to one thing, vegetables. It has come to my attention that every piece of food classified as a vegetable can be sorted into already existing food categories with strict parameters for acceptance.

For example, peppers have seeds and therefore should rightfully be placed with other foods with seeds known as fruits. Why has our species decided to compile a group of foods that have so little in common and no definitive qualities? How has this terrible categorization been allowed to exist? And what can we do to stop it? Well, Grace, the answer to your question is that you're right that like potatoes

have very little income and with broccoli, which has very little income and with green peppers. What those foods do have in common is that most people don't like eating them unless they are deep-fried. So we've taken all the foods that we don't like eating unless they're deep-fried and what we do is we just call them vegetables. I mean, basically, yes. I actually have, John, you may be surprised to find out complicated thoughts on this matter. I'm not surprised to find that out at all. I mean, I thought that I pretty much elucidated the entire thing, but you can go on if you want.

So there are, we classify things different ways and for different reasons. Vegetables are classified with respect to human use, not with respect to their biology. And the best example of this is Fahrenheit versus Celsius. These are two scales that are very practically different for practical reasons. They are not just objectively different and there isn't one that's objectively better. So we have Celsius, we have Fahrenheit in America, but Celsius is often referred to

as the superior scale because it makes sense. At zero degrees, water freezes, at 100 degrees, water boils. But there's a problem with it, which is that Fahrenheit is clearly better for actual humans. Correct. Because at zero degrees Fahrenheit, it is cold, and at 100 degrees Fahrenheit, it is hot. Correct. Because at zero degrees Fahrenheit it is cold and at a hundred degrees Fahrenheit it is hot. Yes, and with Celsius at zero degrees Celsius it is cold and at a hundred degrees Celsius you are dead. Also at zero degrees Celsius it isn't that cold. You know what I mean? Like it's cold. You should do it. You should wear pants, but like you're not gonna die of exposure. Right, right. Well I mean yeah

I mean basically zero degrees I mean, basically, zero degrees Fahrenheit is when you should be legitimately worried about your life outside, as is from my perspective, 100 degrees Fahrenheit. But the, the, oh yeah, I strongly agree. I don't go outside it either. I don't go outside it over 100 degrees Fahrenheit or under zero degrees Fahrenheit.

That's the whole reason we created insight was to protect us from those kinds of natural disasters. Yeah, protect us from the negatives and the three figures. And in the same way, vegetables is the classification for human use, not based on their biology, not based on science. And so it can be frustrating once we start seeing things from a scientific perspective to be like,

ah, god, why do we use these dumb systems? But it's because humans are humans and we use things for human reasons. And vegetables are a categorization that's like, well, it's the things that seem kind of like vegetables. And fruits are the sweet things that have juice in them and stuff. And-

Yeah, but then you've got the weird like crossovers. I mean, I kind of see the point that, for instance, tomatoes. Right. Right. Yeah. They are right there in the classification. They live in a weird in-between space because they're juicy, but they aren't delicious. They're like kind of good, but they're not great. Like, a pair is great. A tomato is like good. Like, a good quality heirloom tomato is an enjoyable eating experience, but it's not something that you wanna have 40 of.

Right, you don't have 40 pairs either. But there aren't, I do. I do. You know, just like shoving a tomato in your face doesn't tend to happen. And it would happen a lot more if it tasted more like a pair. Right. So, though I'm not gonna take anything

from people who love tomatoes, and I did not know how good tomatoes were until I moved to Montana and had like, not from Taco Bell tomatoes. Yeah, there's some really amazing. There's some really amazing. Nothing against Taco Bell, which we are hoping will become a sponsor of this podcast.

I love me some, Kesa L Lupas. Hank, I don't like it when you talk about brands and large corporations that could potentially sponsor us as if they aren't delicious positive contributors to the social order. All right, well, I have, you know, I've been known to visit a Taco Bell, John. I've been known to visit a Taco Bell, John.

I've been known to visit a Taco Bell. I can't believe you've been to a Taco Bell. I last went to a Taco Bell in 1996. I have no idea what's currently happening there. I last went to a Taco Bell probably more than a month ago. So like, you know, not every day. I have complicated thoughts. Whether or not something should be a vegetable.

And I think it's kind of confusing to have taken this existing word that existed for the description of something based on how humans use it and apply it scientifically, particularly with fruit, not so much as vegetable. I kind of feel like, I know that there are like, there are classifications of what a vegetable is, but I kind of feel like a vegetable is kind of anything that can be grown on a plant in eaten. I don't know if that's accurate, but a fruit feels like it's a thing,

and it has a scientific definition, and it frustrates me that we use that same word because they mean different things. And so really what we're saying when we say fruit is that it is like many words, a word with multiple definitions. And some of that's based on how we use the food item and some of it's based on the biology of the plant structure. I mean, I thought that nothing could be less interesting than ending a podcast with the

news from Mars, but I was wrong. Don't be mean. Hank, what did we learn today? Oh gosh, let me scroll up and see what we learned today. We learned that- That's what I mean. I learned way, way more than I ever wanted to know about vegetable classification. We learned that the pain of a hang nail is similar to the pain of childbirth.

That's just, that is just not true. Oh my gosh. I know, that's why it's funny to say. We learned that without agriculture and language we would have been in big, big, big trouble. And we learned that when push comes to shove and I'm forced to think of something really fast, I tend to just say bowling pin, apparently. And most importantly, we learned that Lorraine, all Lorraine's everywhere need to be surprised with parties immediately.

Immediately. Thanks so much for listening to Dear Hank and John. You can email us your questions or your comments at Hank and John at gmail.com. You can also find us on Twitter. You can use the hashtag DearHank and John or just reply to us. I'm John Green on Twitter Hank as Hank Green

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