Dear Hank & John - 464: Becoming a Meditation Podcast

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Why did John go to a warehouse to sign more books? What other places in the galaxy could you drive the moon buggy? How do I handle the transition from High School to College? Why does the music in some toys slow down when the batteries start to die? Why do drunk people sound like they're talking slower? How can I teach myself how to type? What is the dress code for the hospital cafeteria? Why does the phrase “having your work cut out for you” mean what it does? …Hank and John Green have answers!If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams at patreon.com/dearhankandjohnProduced for Hank and John Green by ComplexlySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening to a Complexly podcast. Oh, and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Doors, I prefer to think of it, dear John and Hank. It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, Catherine and I have been doing a lot of karaoke, and she said, Hank, okay, tonight, we're going to do this, but you can't do Wonderwall again. And I said maybe.

And I said maybe. Yeah, I got it. That's good. That wasn't terrible. That wasn't terrible. It's funny because when we started. You did a rapid exhalation from your nose. I was surprised.

Yeah, yeah. That's about as good as you're going to get for me most days. How's it going, Hank? It's good. Were you going to say something about when we started? Because when you arrived in the room, I was trying to see if I could do the joke by saying, and I said, maybe, but you arrived right as I was doing that, and I chickened out. I don't know if you didn't have the courage to go full songster.

No, yeah. Even when you were, just you were in the room. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Although, ironically, you're willing to do things in front of 250,000 strangers that you're not willing to do in front of a friend of yours, which is... That's totally true. Yeah. Interesting.

I would say it's an interesting development in human history and a very new one. We're learning about ourselves as individuals, as a species. I mean, until like 130 years ago, there was functionally no way for a human voice to be heard further from hearing distance. Yeah. And here we are inside your ears. A real crazy thing to be like, to be like,

what if the musicians could come out of the box instead of being human beings? I don't know, man. I worry a little bit about, Hank's about to come down, anti-recorded music. He's a proper Luddite now. He's coming anti-recorded music for you. We're going all the way back.

I don't know if I'm good with zippers, John. I think we may be. That was our downfall. Was the zipper. Oh, boy. It hadn't been for the zipper. I just want to make sure that we keep being people with each other. That's all.

I completely agree. I think we're going to have to get offline to do that. The great irony of the next 20 years is that it will be this offlineification, I think, of discourse because there will be no way to have discourse online except with bots. With bots. Yeah, I'm learning so much about myself, John. And to the extent that my interior is replicated, inside of other people. I do think that we need to get to take steps. Take steps in which direction, Hank? Offline, John. In the offline direction. I couldn't agree more. I'm looking at a ginkgo tree right now. I'm talking to my brother. I've got a good life. And I hope that y'all are doing okay wherever you're listening to this. I hope your back doesn't hurt like my back hurts. I hope you don't have any pain in your body right now. In fact, this is now becoming a meditation podcast and the first

thing I want you to do, is take one deep breath in, okay, through the nose, and then out through the mouth. Doesn't that feel a little bit better? It does. Now, I want you to picture a tree, unless like me, you have a Fantasia, in which case, fortunately, you're staring at the window at a tree. Okay, I'm picturing a tree. All right, what color are its leaves? It's green. It's not fall. No, I could do different, though. You want to make it, can you make it autumn for me? Sure, yeah, there it is. Can you have the wind? Oh, whispering through the trees?

Uh-huh. There's more than one tree. Now there's more than one tree? I mean, how many trees do you? There's a whole forest of trees. And they are your fears. They are your fears. Oh, my God, they're alive.

That's why they're red and yellow. Ah! All right, let's move on. Let's answer some questions from our listeners. That's funny. I love our meditation podcast where at any moment it could turn on you. This is an amazing idea. Your fears are real.

Thank you for coming to my meditation. Oh, God, I had this idea for a Hanks Channel video that's just, it's just 10 hours of silence, but at random points, I tell you a fact. Yeah, I hate that idea. People would figure it out pretty quickly, I think. What do you mean they'd figure it out? They'd look at where the little peaks are in the video watch. No, but like, that's the thing. You just let it play.

There's this video. There's a similar thing. I don't know if you know about it, but it's just like 10 hours of silence interrupted by Pickman noises. What's Pickman? Pickman are a cartoon video game character. Okay. That I grow in the ground and then become mobile on an alien planet

that a man goes to and needs to repair his spaceship. And they make a cute little noise. They go, mea, yeah, me. And so there's just like silence, and then the Pickman show up, and we play it in the house, and it's hilarious. All right. All right. I mean, I'm going to have to say that that might be one of those you had to be there kind of things. Maybe. Maybe. All right, let's answer some questions from our listeners, beginning with this one from Sarah, who writes Dear John and Hank, but especially John. I saw you were signing 21,000 copies in a warehouse of your new book Hollywood ending out September 22nd. Also, you're going on tour tickets available at Hollywoodendingbook.com. I was wondering what the difference was between those finished books and the 85,000 tip-in sheets you signed in the vlog with his live streams. Are these books going somewhere different than the tip-in pages? Pumpkins and publishing, Sarah. So Sarah, basically, what it turns out is that we made a certain commitment to bookstores.

that we were going to get them X number of copies of the book. Oh, my God. So you had to sign more than you thought you were going to have to sign. Yeah, because I also have to sign all the books for the tour, many of which I'll sign the day of the tour, but some of which, because of scheduling reasons, couldn't be signed the day of the tour, so it had to be signed in advance.

So if you think about the 105,000 copies that are going out into the world that are signed, like 25,000 or 30,000 of them are for the tour. hopefully 35 or 40,000 or four people who pre-ordered at Hollywoodendingbook.com. And then there has to be a certain number left over for the bookstores to have that they can put out on shelves. So the only way that we could reach that number because we ran out of time basically was for me to go to the warehouse in Crawford'sville, Indiana and sign my name over and over again. But I have to say... Sign actual books. Sign actual finished books.

I have to say I had an awesome time. and one of the people who flew in from Maryland because they have a deep understanding of how these signings have to work to sign 7,000 books in a day. They're like a consultant. And she's a huge dear Hank and John listener. Oh, hello, Megan.

Yeah, hey, Megan, how's it going? So it was a really cool experience. I got to see where books are birthed. I also got to see where they go to die. Yeah. So there's a room, the pulping room, where there's a little machine and your book goes on a conveyor belt,

and it either gets shooked one way, in which case it goes back into the warehouse storage, or it gets... And it's like, who... What's the machine that decides this? So you scan the barcode as you put the book on the little conveyor belt, and then it gets on the conveyor belt,

and by scanning the barcode, the machine has an algorithm that is determined whether or not your book goes back into warehousing because it costs a certain amount, you know, to store a book, or if it's cheaper and better, to just recycle it, in which case it gets shooked over to that section.

And the first time I toured the warehouse back in like 2015, they were showing me this process. And they were like, of course, your books never get shooked over to be destroyed. And I was like, oh, thank goodness. Yeah, I mean, I am pretty successful right now. Like Fall Nars Stars is still a number one New York Times bestseller, etc. And then I watched as a copy of Paper Towns got shooked right into the machine that kills it. They were like, see here.

Oh, action. Oh, it turns out paper towns, people don't really want that one. And then you go into the room and there's literally like a machine that rips apart the books and eats them and then spits out like literally sort of poops out a cube. And as the cube gets pooped out, people put it into, you know, people with forklifts and everything put it into a certain section of the book recycling area. And then all that gets recycled. And you know what it gets turned into? Toilip. Toilet paper.

Yeah. Which is great. We don't need to cut down those old. It's wonderful. I'm so happy. I would buy for a good store. I would buy book toilet. Actually, I wouldn't.

Now that I've heard it come out of my mouth, people don't, that doesn't actually sound nice. I don't think people want it. I don't want to know where the toilet paper comes from. I want to know that it doesn't come from trees. Aside from that, I don't actually want to say, everybody, it's so environmentally friendly. Yeah, exactly. It's from destroyed literature. This one has the new John Green book in it.

Occasionally I'll have someone email me or post a review or whatever in which they're very angry. And they say I wouldn't wipe your butt with my butt with your book. Really? But they have. Maybe. They have, Hank. Somebody who said that has. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I probably have. hilarious. So that's the deal with Hollywood ending. It comes out on September 22nd. If you're in Portland, Maine, Tucson, Arizona, if you're in New York City, if you're in Birmingham, Alabama, there are still tickets left for the tour. You can get them at Hollywoodendingbook.com.

I'm so excited to go on tour. You know who I'm going to have as my special guest in Birmingham, Hank? Sarah, you're a screen. God, how do you know all this stuff? Who do I have in Maine? Man, you don't know that one. I don't know that one. Lily King, author of Heart the Lover.

I'm so excited to meet her. Also, I got you in San Diego, but that one's almost sold out, so no need to talk about it. Good. Good work. Good work, us. John, do you want to answer some questions from our... Oh, we already started. We already did one.

I got to do another one. It's from Elliott who asks, Dear Hank and John, I took a trip to the moon and Mars on a rocket ship, and I drove my moon buggy on both. Yep. What are the other things in the solar system that I could drive my moon buggy on? What about in the Milky Way? I know that I can't write it on gassy planets. Also, how fast can the moon buggy go on Mars? Future news from Mars correspondent, Elliot,

almost four. Okay, so here's my guess, Hank. There comes a certain size, so there's a lot of stars in the Milky Way, Elliot, like hundreds of billions. And so there are probably, there are, there are a lot of planets orbiting those stars, and some of them are rocky, and some of them are gaseous, and et cetera. But like, I think there's a Goldilocks zone for your moon buggy, where it's not too, the planet can't be too small and the planet also can't be too big. And the planet has to be relatively solid. Yeah. Those are your big concerns.

If you're going to moon buggy, you're going to want to not sink into the surface because then you're inside the planet and that's not where you want to be, Elliot. And then number two, you don't want to, really, honestly, you don't want it to be too heavy because then your moon buggy might break, but you might be squeak. But if it's too light, what if your moon buggy hits a bump and then shoots off into space? Yeah, this is a concern if it's very, very small. But you don't even have to leave the solar system to get a bunch of good candidates. Like, obviously, you don't want to go to, I mean, you can if you want to go to Venus and drive your moon buggy on the surface.

It's just going to be very hot. Could you? What? If you had like, you know, a heat shield? Imagine Elliot's moon buggy has a heat shield, which I'm sure it does. I feel like Elliot's moon buggy is very advanced. It's not too gaseous to drive on Venus? No.

Oh, cool. I mean, as long as you could keep the outside, outside, you're good. And Mercury probably would be fine. Mercury is fine, but kind of boring. But I think you should go out to those, people are not going to be surprised by my take here. You should go out to the moons of Jupiter and Saturn. You go to Titan, you go to Enceladus. Titan is very weird.

Titan is icy planet with, I say planet world, with liquid lakes of hydrocarbons, like methane and ethane. So like the natural gas that you burn in your sense. stove, but like liquid and raining down from the sky into rivers that flow into lakes. Well, you're really going to need your heat shield out there, even though it's cold. You're going to need the warm, yeah, the warm shield. You're going to need to keep the outside of Titan outside for sure. And then there's like, there's icy ones that are like shooting like geysers out from internal liquid oceans.

You got to go there, Elliot. You got to tell us what you find. We don't know a lot about these places. We're sending a probe to Titan fairly soon that's going to be there in like eight years, hopefully, and it's going to be like an octocopter that's going to fly from place to place and sample a bunch of different weird chemistry things going on on Titan. So there's all kinds, you got to remember that people tell you about the eight planets, and then there's also Pluto.

But then also there's all these moons, there's all these dwarf planets, they're all rocky, and there's like cool stuff to do on them. Got to go to Europa. Could you go to Jupiter, or is it, if it were solid, or is it too big? Would you get smush? Oh, it was both, both problems, yes. So even if it were solid, you would still get smushed because it's too big. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I think it'd be too many Gs for the moon buggy. And that's a really hard problem to solve. I've always felt like Jupiter was my planet of last resort. What do you mean? Like in terms of once you would live on? I mean, like, if you pitched me, if you told me, like, we have the resources and the ability to take you anywhere in your moon buggy.

Jupiter would be last on my list. I got to tell you, John, that's because you're thinking of Jupiter is a planet, and this is my big argument. I'm going to have a video that's coming out about this. Jupiter is not primarily a planet. It is a planet, but it's primarily a system of worlds, just like the solar system is a system of worlds. And so you totally want to go to Jupiter because it's got so many good moons.

I want to go to the moons of Jupiter. I don't want to go to Jupiter itself because I would be crushed. I would be crushed by the G's. Mm-hmm. So I don't want to check. Whereas I do definitely want to go to the moons of Saturn and Jupiter, but Jupiter is the last planet on my list to visit. The Jupiter system is really high up there for me. But not Jupiter itself.

I notice you're not talking about the planet. Well, yeah, like it's just a big ball of gas. Yeah, I don't know. I know. It's not a good idea to hang out there. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

I was feeling being mean to june. Jupiter. But Saturn system also very interesting and apparently much more dynamic than one would expect. Like things seem to still be going on there, which is strange. Oh, cool. Yeah. So there you go. We can't wait for you to travel the world in your moon buggy. And I spell, by world, I mean worlds. The worlds. And then eventually you hit a head out into the rest of the Solar, the Milky Way and man, you'll have nothing. No shortage of potential targets. Yeah. It's going to be a great adventure. Your whole life, man. I'm excited for you. Congratulations. on getting to almost four.

All right, Hank, we have another question from Anonymous, who writes, Dear John and Hank, I'll be starting college soon, and I'm pretty nervous. I'm not worried about the academic part necessarily because I've always been good at school. No bragging, Anonymous, but I am worried because I know it's going to be different from high school, but I don't know how I'll handle it.

Any advice you have dubious or otherwise would be greatly appreciated, sincerely anxious ants in my pants. I feel like I remember remembering college at this point. Oh, you don't even remember it directly. It's more like a memory that's been recalled so many times. It's like looking at a photograph. You're like, oh, yeah, I remember that, but you just remember the photograph. I worry about that.

But I'll say, I don't remember being very intentional about figuring out how to make friends, but I did make friends anyway. And I made great friends. I remember on the first day of college, there were all these ice breakers on my hall where, like, the resident advisor was taking in these, you know, freshmen, shaking like a dove. We called them freshmen. I apologize. First year's shaking like a dove.

and everybody just kind of became friends because what else are you going to do? You sort of become friends with the people on your hall if you're in a dorm. And otherwise you become friends with the people in your classes and it works out. It is really scary. I remember that so vividly,

not because I have a photograph of it, but because it was so scary. It was really overwhelming. And then at first also I was trying to fit in so hard that I would be like, I'll drink, I'll do whatever, like I'll, you know, stay out late and not do my homework. And then eventually I realized, like, there were, there were

better ways to do college. Yeah. Yeah. We, I mean, we, I've, I was, I feel like I was in like a explicitly substance-free dorm, not intentionally, but just like that's the, and it didn't. That's where they put you. Would have been fine other way. But, but, but, and so I ended up with a bunch of people who were not, uh, very substantacy. And that was great. but really it was like making sure that I tried to say yes to stuff. Right. Join clubs, all that. Didn't let my like my brain get in the way of that.

But I remember, I mean, what I really remember is like feeling unsure socially and also unsure romantically a lot being like this person. I thought that they liked me, but they hate me. A lot of that vibes. Yeah. Not having those grounding relationships is so difficult. It's why I wanted to write about being in your early 20s in Hollywood ending is because when you're in your early 20s a lot of times, because you're out of college, you still have your friends from college, but they may not be in the same city as you.

They may not have the same stuff that you're doing. Like whenever you enter, for some people it's before, you know, some people don't go to college. So for some people, it's after high school. For some people, it's after grad school. But like whenever you enter into an environment that, is fundamentally different from the one that came before. It doesn't happen that often in a human life.

It's not that often that you are making the decisions that are going to end up shaping at least the first part of your career. It's not that often that you're thrust into a world with no idea how to make friends, but like the beginning of college and the end of whatever formal education you do are both times like that. And that makes them very rich for writing about, even if it makes them sort of miserable to live through.

It's that way. I worry about those ages a lot, John. It's hard. It's hard. Those are hard ages. A weird time to be a person, especially I feel like a young person. Yeah. More power to you.

Thank you, Anonymous. And I'm sorry about the ants in your pants. John, this next question comes from Charlotte who asks, dear Hank and John, I'm a new mom. And with that comes toys that light up and sing. My baby loves pushing buttons and dancing to the music. so the batteries do die out quickly. My question is, why do some toys start to slow down music and pitch like they're being possessed by the devil? And then if you leave it a few minutes, it can perk back up again if the battery's got a second wind.

Thank you for keeping me company during my late night nursing sessions, more princess than spider, Charlotte. Isn't this so bizarre? Like, this seems to me... I've known about this because I've experienced it, but I've never stopped to be given. curious about it. And now that I have, I am astonished because it does feel like batteries are getting a second wind. Before we answer the question, I just want to state for the record that there are two phases of a human life, the phase where you use a regular number of batteries, and then the phase where you are surrounded by a lot of children and you use an astonishing number of batteries.

So many batteries. Now that my kids are 13 and 16, I haven't used a battery in a decade. I don't Well, I mean, like, things have also changed some. Now, like, things recharge more often. Like, I'm sure a lot of the things that Alice and Henry have do have batteries. And they just, they just recharge. Whereas children's toys, just lots of swapping. And, man, yeah, the number, like, the way I bought batteries changed so much. Like, it used to be that I'd buy four batteries.

And then for the last nine years, I've been buying 60 batteries at a time. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I'm like, what's the most you got, Costco? Give me all your batteries. So this is true. And I don't, we didn't, Toboki and I did not get to a like satisfactory answer here.

I have a little information. Interesting. What's so fascinating to me about this is that it seems like the thing that you would say happened. Like if you were to guess, it's like, the thing will get slow and sluggish. But like, that is what happens. That's what happens. Like, I would think that would be like a TV trope.

That's the like a thing that, like, writers would say happens, not a thing that actually happens. I would think it runs out of batteries. And at, like, one moment, it can power the device. And the next moment, it can't anymore. Yeah. But from what I can tell, and don't take this as gospel or anything, there's, like, voltage that comes out of the battery.

And at the beginning, it has a nice steady voltage. And then as it starts to run out of, of juice, it like not only doesn't just have like the power inside of it. It also like can't get up to the voltage, but it's still able to produce some electricity. And that voltage is actually like interpreted by the toy as like a kind of clock for running the whole mechanism. And so as the voltage goes down, like the speed at which all of the things also goes down. And that will happen over time. And then if you turn it off for a little while and then turn it back on, the voltage can kind of spike

back up again before starting to once again decline. And so it's like whatever it is, it seems tied to the voltage. And the fact that the voltage is tied to like the speed at which the toy runs itself is, it seems like maybe just the cheapest way to do it. Like to do it differently would require more equipment. Okay. So very, but like I think that's adorable. Like that's the world that we actually found ourselves in where like the talking dragon

that reads stories gets slower and slower, and its voice gets deeper and deeper until it finally loses power. Like Johnny 5 in the classic, the classic American film. Yeah. Johnny 5? I don't know. Batteries not included. No.

I've got a strong suspicion that the Johnny 5 movie does not hold up. Oh, yeah. No, I think that that's right, John. I'm not even sure we should mention it on the podcast. Short circuit is what it's called. Short circuit. That's what it was called. Oh, man.

Yeah, I would say dig that one up if you want to understand some of Hank and I, but don't dig it up. Don't. I have a related question, Hank, from Chris, who writes, Dear John and Hank, thanks for the podcast. No question, just to funny. I'm listening through the back catalog, and one day I thought you both sounded really weird, almost like you were a little drunk. And then I looked at my settings and saw I had you set to 0.8 speed. Why do drunk people sound a little slow? Guess I do have a question, peace, Chris.

I think it's the voltage. So, Deboki and I looked into, no. Did Deboki not look this one up for you? No, no, we didn't know. Okay. No, I think that, like, I do think that the, like, the motor signal, like, the neuron signals do not travel as well. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's also why you can still have something of a whole thought when you're intoxicated,

but it can be hard to express the thought in a timely fashion. I think it's the nervous system. I mean, alcohol is a chemical that addresses, that attacks whatever your verb is, the nervous system. And so you slow down a little bit. Effects. Yeah. Effects, that's the way I was looking for.

This also happens to me when I'm very cold. When my lips get cold, I literally cannot talk at the same speed. And I'm like, apparently. Interesting. It's all, apparently I'm made out of meat. It is really hard to reconcile yourself to the meatness of it all, to the fact that our thinking parts are edible. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, that reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by our thinking parts. Our thinking parts edible. This podcast is also brought to you by moonbuggies. They aren't just for the moon. No. Soon they'll be for Mars, hopefully. Today's podcast is also brought to you by starting college, in college, little piece of advice for you.

Don't pee on the bathroom door. Peep in the urinal. Oh, okay. I like that advice, John. And this podcast is also brought to you by wiping your butt with paper towns. Wiping your butt with paper towns. You might have done it. Oh, man.

It's good stuff, Hank. It's a bit of a shock. This episode of Dear Hank, John, is brought to you. by Quince. It's nice to look nice, and also for that to cost less, even without the quality decreasing. Quince is all about fewer, better pieces in your closet. They use premium materials, make clothes that are built to last, and design the kind of stuff that just becomes what you wear over time, and doesn't necessarily shout out to the world about itself, so you constantly have to replace it, but does just look good. I recently got a nice lightweight linen shirt

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Ha. All right, UK people, get ready. That's quince.com slash deerhank. Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash deerhank. This episode of Dear Hank and John is brought to you by Factor. Two things about summer. Always doing something, which is great. And it's hot, which means I don't necessarily want to be cooking.

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Speaking of shocking questions, we have one from Lauren who writes, Dear John and Hank, so I'm wondering if you can help me. My dad got me a computer so I can type my stories because he refused to let me keep typing on my phone, and I'm wondering if you know a way to teach yourself how to type, at school we don't have computers, we have iPads, and I know how to type on that, but I'm completely clueless here. So how do I learn to type? Tearing up while typing, Lauren, P.S.

How does a mouse work? Like, I get how you use it, but why is it when I pick it up, it doesn't move the arrow, but when it's on the desk, it does move the arrow. What is happening there? Oh, God, Warren, we're so old. Oh, no, Lauren, I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. What's happening? Did you type this whole email on your phone?

Probably, probably. Do you type emails on your phone, John? I feel like I never write. I'm like, no way. I got to wait until I got my real computer keyboard. Sometimes when somebody sends me an email that's good news and I can reply to it quickly, I'll just reply with two exclamation points. Like, oh, you won the Ohio book award.

Exclamation point, exclamation point. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got to get like some good memes for situations like that where I just like real like a macro to drop in some kind of celebratory cat. You know the line from, you know the line from, you know, it's not goodwill hunting. It's not backcountry pass. It's Brokeback Mountain.

Okay. I got there. Backcountry pass would be a great name for Brokeback Mountain for the record. Now we have to leave it in. We have to leave in the part where I'm thinking. I love one. brains do that when you're just like, I'm going to get, I'm going to get to. The only way for me to get there is to play the game. My brain will only let me play the game.

In Brokeback Mountain. Yeah. It's like when I went to the, up to the person at the theater and I asked for two tickets to Steve Zisu's aquatic adventure. Yes, indeed. Indeed. So in Brokeback Mountain, there's that great line where Jake Gillenhall says, I wish I knew how to quit you. And every time, um, my anyone texts me about the signing issue about signing too much i just reply with that that gift that i have loaded up and ready to jiff great got to gif that jiff got to jiff that gif you got to do both because both pronunciations are acceptable uh so the reason the mouse doesn't work is that it needs pressure no there's a little ball there's no they don't have they don't have little ball mice anymore we have there hasn't been ball mice for mice have not have not balls since the early 2000s.

I use a trackpad. Always have. Really? Yeah, I've always edited vlog videos on a track pad. John edits on a laptop. This matters me insane. I edit with a mouse

and a tourbox. I don't even know what a tourbox is. I know. Of course you don't. Why would you? Yeah, I'm just editing happily on my laptop. Yeah, it's fine.

He's a track pad. It doesn't take me that long. I love my tourbox so much. It's so great. Okay. Let's get back to Warren's question. The only way to learn how to type is to type is to type, which is like how you didn't use to know how to type real fast on your phone until you did it.

So you have to do it. That's the only way to do it. There are typing games and websites that you can go and use, but really the thing is to do it. I think the thing is to stare at the keyboard and type your stories. The hard thing is that while you're getting used to it, Lauren, when you're typing a story, you're going to find that your brain goes faster than you're typing. Whereas in your phone,

that's probably not the case because you've trained your brain and your thumbs to type at the same speed. But eventually your fingers will catch up. And when they do, you'll actually be able to express yourself probably even more clearly than you can on your phone. So I think overall it's good news. But there's an adjustment period for sure. And that's what you're going through. But just keep those fingers on ASDF, JKL, Semicol, and you will be fine. You're going to have to learn how to do this.

Eventually, this is a good reason to learn how to do it. And it's not that. I don't know. I don't know. Do your kids type, John? Yeah. Horan doesn't type, but he's nine. My kids type.

They don't type with the flu. They don't type 110 words a minute like I do, but they type. Well, I also don't type 110 words per minute and never will. And I think I'm more at like 60 or 70. That's crazy, John. Well, I just, I like to bang on my literary keyboard. I mean, it's not like you've typed more than, I mean, you've probably. have typed more than me.

I don't know. That's a great question. You typed it 110 words per minute way, like, a long time ago. Yeah. So, like, I've definitely typed as much as that guy when you were 18. Right. I just don't have a good fine motor control. Yeah.

No, that's all right. There's no, you don't get a prize for typing fast. Well, you type faster, though. So that's nice. That's true. But remember, we're not being obsessed with productivity anymore. Are we not? No, we're not.

Okay. I was given by, we, my parents, we had a number of difficulties. My parents and I, when it came to me being capable of certain important academic things, one of those things was writing. And I just had, because my motor control was so bad. And one of the things the people at the therapy place said was you've got to get this kid a computer as fast as possible. And so being able to transfer over to a keyboard from having to actually manipulate a pen really early was super valuable to me. And something that would not have been available if I had been born five or ten years earlier.

Yeah, it's like now things are very different for people with serious dyslexia because of the proliferation of audiobooks and other audio-based tools for reading. Mm-hmm. So it's good. I'm glad that we have these tools, but I can't imagine living with a keyboard. I wish we used them better. But like, we're idiots. We're a bunch of animals trying to. We're a bunch of meat-based monkeys with guns.

Yeah. You know? Those are so fun. Well, that makes one of us. One time a friend of mine was like, you can't really say that you don't like guns. You never like shot them. And I was like, yeah, because I don't want to like, I don't, there's all kinds of fun stuff that I don't want to do because I think it's bad. Yeah, that's a bad example.

It's like, you can't really be opposed to nuclear warfare when you haven't shot off a nuke in your life. Like, you have that feels good. It's exciting to do. It's a power trip. Power trip to drop that bomb. Yeah, no, I can say that I don't like all kinds of things that I've never personally encountered. All right, let's answer this question from Kirby who writes, Dear John and Hank, do I need to wear day clothes when I go to the hospital cafeteria? I essentially live in the hospital now.

I've been here six weeks with no sign of leaving any time in the next three to four months. My newborn son is in the critical intensive care unit, and so here I am. I have free reign of the hospital, not being a patient myself, but when I'm hungry at midnight and want to go get chickens, trips, and ice cream, I repress the urge because I don't want to go amongst all the doctors and nurses in my PJs and fuzzy socks and warm robe. This is their workplace, and they all look so professional and put together. But I've lived here for six weeks and time doesn't exist here. Are there rules about this?

Does decency demand that I get fully dressed to go down 15 floors and get hospital food? Advice appreciated Kirby. Well, I'm sorry that you live in the hospital now. This is awful, but I'm glad that you're handling it with the spirit of what's the correct decorum of this? And thank you for reaching out to your favorite etiquette podcast to find out the answer. Yeah, the hospital etiquette podcast, dear Hank and John. I actually worked in a hospital, so I feel like I am more of an expert than Hank is on this topic. I've never lived in a hospital. I've only, I've been, I've been to them a bunch, but.

But you've never, like, stayed the night for six weeks in a row? No, I'm not correct. That sounds rough, Kirby. But having worked at a hospital and having been one of those people who had to wear fancy clothes, like I wore a tie and a button-down shirt and my powder blue chaplain jacket and slacks and everything, having been that person. I can tell you my own opinion, which is that if I saw you in the hotel cafeteria at midnight in your fuzzy pajamas eating chicken strips, I would, one, not bat an eye. And two, if I did bat an eye, it would be to think to myself, oh, man, that's got to be rough. I hope they're doing all right. I might even come up and say, as a chaplain, I had to be outgoing back then, I might have to be out going back then. I might even come up and say, like, how's it going today? I would certainly never comment on or think about the fact that you were wearing pajamas. Yes. Yeah. And so I think that it comes down to, like, your level of comfort with the situation.

I think it might be more how you just got to wear the PJs. Okay. John thinks you should wear the PJs. I think you should get dressed to the nines. I think you should shine up those shoes. Tap dance your way all the way to the cafeteria. Yeah, that's the mood. The only other thing I'd say about this is that if anyone gives you flak, you got to tell them about this podcast. Just tell them to listen to the podcast.

No, no, yeah, you'd be like, look, I got permission from two guys. I asked two guys. Both of them agreed. One of whom worked in a hospital for six months, 25 years ago. I cannot believe that was over half my life ago. Like, that is so mind-blowing because it feels so present in my life. every day, but it was over half my life ago. Those early 20s, man, they stick with you. They do. I feel like 46 is hitting different from 45. I feel like 45 I was like solidly 40. Yeah. And 46, I'm like solidly 50. Well, you're certainly in your mid 50s, right? Well, 40s. Mid 40s. Sorry, I was getting ahead of myself. You're certainly in mid 40s.

There's a real sort of like multiply this number by two kind of vibe to be in your 40s. Oh, yeah, because people keep saying your middle age, but when you multiply your age by two. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't feel like you're in the middle as such. Look, it's still like, it's still in the middle. If you divide it up into thirds, what is our life expectancy? Can you remind me?

If you're in your, if you're still alive when you get to like 50, your life expectancy is late 80s. No. Yeah. No way. I mean, the average, the most common age of death is. Okay. I've got it. 80.

80. Yeah. There's a bunch of different numbers. There's a bunch of different numbers. If you're a man and you're 45, well, I put in 48 actually. And then I look to the actuarial life table of. remaining number of years according to the Social Security Administration

and I got 80. So if it's 80, Hank, like not only am I in the second half, I'm in the fifth, eighth. Wow, John, you really got to like make sure you divide everything up so that you can keep your head on exactly where you are. That's going to be

super relaxing. Sorry, I'm spiraling. What were we talking about? Imagine a tree. Picture a tree. It's fall. So I got one World Cup when I'm 52, 56, 60, 64. You're trying to figure how many World Cups you got left? John, there's a Ginkgo Tree outside.

I got eight if I make it through the summer of my 80th year. You got eight World Cups? I got eight World Cups left if I make it through that summer. I got to tell you, you're going to be, look, they're going to figure out this whole death thing. Oh, yeah, they are. They are. Of course they are.

It's not like that's been an interest of humans for 50,000 years or anything. My favorite part about people thinking that they're going to fix death is that they're like, no, this time it's for real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this isn't Ponce de Leon looking for the Fountain of Youth. This is a whole other thing. A whole different thing. That guy, idiot. He was crazy.

He was, he made all that up. Why was he so obsessed with that? He didn't have unregulated peptides to help him. I mean, a peptide. It starts with pep! Do you think that's part of it? Do you think that's part of peptides? I don't know.

I don't think you can compete with my favorite peptide. Dr. Pepper. You know, it actually just occurred to me that the pep and Pepper and Dr. Pepper is about a little bit of pep in your step. Correct. There is no pepper in Diet Dr. Pepper. That's not where the pep and peptide comes from.

Do people think that peptides are like a tide of pep? Yeah. I figure that it's just like having a million cups of coffee, like a tide of pep just washes over you. I'm terrified that the reason that peptides are popular is in part because they start with the word pep. I don't think it's impossible. I don't know much about the unregulated world of peptides, he said with considerable pride. But I wish everybody the best. All right, John, before we get to Mars and AFC Wimbledon, we have a last question from Sarah who asks, dear Hank and John. Something that always confused me was the phrase, having your work cut out for you.

you. Seems to me that would be a good thing. Like somebody else got your work started or cut out for you. I would think that this makes it easier and faster. Yet the phrase means that you have a lot of hard work ahead. Why does this phrase mean what it does? Pumpkins and penguins, Sarah. We're so weird. Do you know why this is? Do you say these things? I think I do. I know why it is. So you tell me what you think. Well, Dupoki and I tried to track it down and we think that it's like, at the textile factory. Right, at the tailor or the textile factory. Yeah, the pieces are cut, but then the hard work, which is sewing, is still to come.

Yes. And so you've got your work cut out for you. That's all cut out for you. And then you're just like, well, I guess I got my work cut out for me. Now it's time to do some really intensive labor. Right. So like almost every phrase that isn't to do with. boats, it is to do with textiles.

Oh, interesting. Give me another textile phrase. The word shuttle, John, that's a thing from textiles. It goes back and forth. The word rocket, also another way to get to space, also comes from textiles. You can be on tenterhooks. That's a textile thing. I always thought that was a slaughterhouse thing. No, yeah, you'd think, but no, tenterhooks are like a thing that, they're like a sharp thing that was used to do something to wool.

and a thing that you wouldn't want to be on. You can be dyed in the wool, of course. Sure. There's spinsters, old ladies who are just apparently only good for spinning yarn. You can lose the thread. People are always losing a thread. Sure. Sure, you can find a needle in a haystack.

You can. Yeah. What are needles for? You can be cut from the same cloth. There you go. This is good stuff, Hank. Oh, yeah. All right.

It's time to transition to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I'll go first. AFC Wimbledon season has started at last. There's play there playing sports. Now, Hank, we've got a problem. Sports is back, which is a huge relief. The six weeks between the World Cup and the start of the AFC Wimbledon season were as desperate as anything I've ever experienced in my life. But now we're back. We have a big problem, which is that we seem to be selling players because we have to make enough money to pay for our new players. but we don't have that many new players.

And I'm very concerned. We have, I think, the lowest budget in the league again, 24th out of 24. And I'm trying to think of ways to not have the lowest budget in the league, but it just feels very difficult right now. It feels like every dollar that can be squeezed out of the stadium is being squeezed out of the stadium. So it's kind of a hard time for AFC Wimbledon. It reflected by our first result of the League one season, which was a 3-0 defeat to Huddersfield Town, in which it looked like we could have lost by more. And also, they got a red card after 28 minutes

and we still lost 3-0. Oh, gosh, not great. As I said to my friends on the group chat, if we play 11 versus 10 every game, we might be all right. Oh, boy. Unfortunately, you usually play 11 against 11. What are you going to do about it, John? Well, Hank, you know, there are pockets into which one can dig.

Well, not mine. I know. I've already asked. So is there, is it just like the right call to not spend the money right now? I mean, they're going to get that Hank games without Hank money, you know, the John's channel revenue. That could be, that could be transformational if John's channel blows up. And so what we need is John's channel to blow up. This is so weird.

You're so weird. You've been doing this for so long. Except I've learned over the years that I actually don't want to fly that close to the sun, so I want John's channel to stay a pretty small deal. I think we'll see. There's still two weeks left before the transfer deadline, and hopefully in those two weeks we'll be able to figure something out. Okay. Well, I am hopeful for you transfer. I hope that you get good transfers, I guess. Me too. Me too. I hope we can buy some players. What's going on in Mars? Japan has unveiled the spacecraft for their upcoming Martian moons exploration mission.

So they're going to go to the moons of Mars. So not to the moon or to Mars, Phobos and Demos. They're actually going to land on Phobos with a rover. It's a little rover. And we were just talking about moonbuggies on very light things with very small gravity. So I'm like, I don't know how this is going to work, but it's a little rover. and it just seems like it's going to be really bouncy for it because it's a very, very small object. And it's going to try and actually grab a piece of the moon and send it back home.

It will land in Australia. Whoa. It's going to pick itself up off the gravity of that little point. No, it's not going to take its whole self. It's going to send a little piece back. How's it going to do that? Is it just going to use a slingshot? I bet there's some rocketry involved.

but I actually don't know. I did not look into it. Well, we'll figure that out. That'll be for next week. And then it will also be sort of like looking at demos rather than landing there. So yeah, we're going to learn more about Phobos and Demos, which are weird. So they have very circular orbits around Mars, but they look like their asteroids. Captured asteroids usually do not have like very simple circular orbits.

And so we don't really know how these things happen. happened and we're curious about that. So it might have been asteroids that got close to Mars and just got caught in its orbit. Yeah, that's the most likely thing that happened, but they act awful weird. They might be like pieces of Mars that got shot off like Armands. Yes. Yes. Okay.

That's really the two options. Well, hopefully we'll be able to figure that out. That would be a cool thing to know. Yeah. I'm glad we're going to go see those moons. Hank, before we go, just real quick, do you have like $400,000 you could loan AFC Wimbledon? Look, John, I like that you said loan, but no. Which one are loans?

Are loans the ones that get repaid or loans the ones that don't? Can't remember. I guess it depends. I guess it depends. Just a little joke for the end of the podcast here. Break some AFC wibble and kneecaps about it. What's the interest rate? Maybe I am interested.

It's not that good. Oh, God. All right. Thank you all so much for listening. Thank you to everybody who supports the podcast at patreon.com slash dear Hank and John. And most of all, thank you for your emails. We cannot make a podcast without them.

You can email us at Hank and John at gmail.com. This podcast was edited by Linus Obenhaus. It was mixed by Joseph Tuna Meddish. Our marketing specialist is Brooke Shotwell. It's produced by Rosiana Halse Rojas and Hannah West. Our executive producer is Seth Radley. Our editorial assistant is Toboki Truckeravardi, the music you're hearing now. And at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunnarola.

And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.