Dear Hank & John - 47: You're Gonna Be Okay

Episode Date: May 17, 2016

How do I mourn a mug? What if it had been Vlogsisters instead of Vlogbrothers? How do I navigate roommatedom? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Gorsair Firthick with Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother John answer your questions, give you dubious advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, tell me about how you're doing. I'm doing wonderfully, Hank, because of the AFC Wimbledon news. There's good, there's good and there's bad in the world right now, Hank, as is usually the case, but right now for me, the good is outweighing the bad,

the bad being I'm in a lot of dental pain. Also, the sun has not shown here in Indianapolis for like 73 consecutive days, it's been too long since Taylor Swift played a concert here, obviously. But on the upside, Hank AFC Wimbledon, I'm not even gonna wait till the end of the podcast. AFC Wimbledon. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's all that's the whole reason for the end of the podcast. You gotta make them wait. Are you kidding? I have tons of news from AFC Wimbledon for the end of the podcast, but

Hank, just to establish this at the outset, AFC Wimbledon are in the playoffs. They are in the league two playoffs. And in fact, they have a 25% chance of having a 100% chance of playing next year in the third tier of English football. That's very weird and exciting. I cannot believe that hope is the thing with feathers. And I actually have been following AFC Wimbledon a surprising amount.

Since we have not recorded the podcast in a couple of weeks, I felt like I wasn't getting enough AFC Wimbledon news. And I'm sure you did the same with the Mars news that you've been there on Google News, search and Mars, see and what's up. And you know, you're probably up to date as well. Well, I mean, the nice thing about Mars news is that it's sort of year round.

AFC Wimbledon news really reaches this peak intensity once a year. But I have been following the news from Mars, actually. In fact, I have a guess what I think your news from Mars is going to be this week. But anyway, how are you? You're about to go on tour to support. I was going to say your new album, but in fact, you don't have a new album. No, I don't. Though this week I will be releasing a new song, but no, no new album. Too many things going on.

I have enough new material for a new album, but we just haven't had the time to record it. Ah. Yeah, so we're just... Too bad. I'm excited about whenever you're ready for a new album, I'm very excited for it. Okay. Well, we are going on tour in Texas a little bit of Arizona and California and also Lawrence, Kansas which remarkably is one of our best-selling stops. You wouldn't think Lawrence, Kansas among stops like

Austin and Los Angeles and Dallas and Houston and San Francisco would be one of our best sellers, but there it is, John. You never know where Nerdfighteria is. It always surprises you. Can I read you a poem? Oh, yes, of course. Hank, it will surprise and delight you to learn that today's poem comes from Emily Dickinson.

There is no frigate like a book to take us lands away, nor any corsers like a page of prancing poetry. This traverse made the porous take without oppressive toll. How frugal is the chariot that bears the human soul? Emily Dickinson with a little love song to book sank. It was a little love song. That was a short, short poem, John. Now I like them short.

I apologize for not having anything more intelligent than that to say. But, that's fine. Let's get to the questions from our listeners. First, I want to switch up the format a little bit and do first a little bit of feedback from a listener. This is from Tom, who says that last episode or in a previous episode, you bemoaned that there was no band called Toxic Mega-Colin, but in fact, there is one. There is a band, it appears to be a university band

on Columbia Medical University, and they have a few YouTube videos. So Toxic Mega-Colin, it's a band of med students. Yeah, you should search for it on YouTube, but when you search for Toxic Mega-Colin on YouTube, you must do so very cautiously. Agreed, Agreed. Another bit of feedback. Hank, our favorite podcast, my brother, my brother, and me,

mentioned us. In fact, called us geniuses. So thanks, my brother, my brother, and me. All those McElroy brothers. They're geniuses, too. They're the geniuses. And our last bit of feedback before we get to questions from our listeners comes from Sarah. Who writes, Dear John and Hank, I'd like to present a counter argument to John's frequent point that all of us and everything are destined for oblivion. According to physics, matter cannot be created or destroyed merely changed. That even includes the brain cells that form this thought, and when we die, the matter that makes us will be recycled back into the universe for as long as it exists, and perhaps we'll be part of whatever follows it.

That's not good news to me, Sarah, because what you're basically telling me is that, like, later, like my thoughts will be turned into, like, poop and dirt, and I don't find that to be at all comforting. But good try. And really all comes down to what identity is, and if you want to talk more about that, go over Check out Crash Course, where I'm currently teaching philosophy at youtube.com slash Crash Course. And that was a, I have to say Hank, that was a hard one plug. Well, we just talked about that. We just talked about the ship of theses and how all of our body gets replaced and yet we still exist and what is

What is us anyway? And I can't I can tell you that us is not the atoms that make us up Well Hank, I will tell you that the ship of Thesius is not not in my new book All right, we want to do some questions John. Yes, let's answer some questions from our beloved listeners This question is from Zoe, who asks, do you hear Hank and John? I recently sent John a lot of Snapchat's, but he hasn't answered any of them yet. I wanted to know whether you answer your snaps yourself

or have some kind of Snapchat manager or if you answer them at all. I do not have a Snapchat manager, although I find that idea hilarious. I mean, the great thing about Snapchat is that you sort of can't fake it, you know? You can't schedule snapchats, at least as far as I know, and you can't have like your, you know, your assistant's Snapchat for you because they can tell if it's your face or not.

Right. I mean, you could, you could give the phone to someone and have them like go out and point at it things and then write John Greeney kind of quotes on the bottom of them. But no, do you even know that you can get snaps from other people? I know that I can get snaps from other people because Sarah and I send snapchats of the kids back and forth to each other quite a bit using the hilarious filters. But I don't know much about Snapchatting with strangers. That seems like a risky business and one that I would do well to avoid. So it's truly nothing personal.

Yes. I just, I don't really know how to do that, and I don't think it's something that I want to learn how to do. I think that there's, I think that you can actually, I have it turned off. I cannot get snaps from strangers, but I don't know that strangers can't send them to me. I just know that I can't see them. So it's possible that you're sending snapshots into a kind of void.

I definitely cannot see a Snapchat if you send it to me. Yeah, so we're sorry that our snapshots have to be a one way street, but we just feel like that is the right way. That's a two way. Yeah, I did. It's definitely the right way. All right, Hank, we have another question.

This one comes from Rachel, who asks, the right way. That's a two way. Yeah, I did. Definitely the right way. Alright Hank, we have another question. This one comes from Rachel, who asks, dear John and Hank, when I was a kid, my mom told me not to look at the microwave while it was running because it was bad for my eyes. Is that true? No! No, it isn't true, but I have to say, I say that to my kids even though I know it's not true. And I also tell my kids that they can't stand too close to the television because it will be bad for their eyes, even though I also know that's not true.

And there are times, in fact, when I say Henry, you're standing too close to the TV and he just turns around and says, why? Why is this too close to the TV? Why is there like a preset distance between the TV and me that is acceptable according to my father? And I don't really know the answer to that question, but I know that I'm right. Yeah, I mean, I remember when I was a kid,

I would want to sit as close to the TV as possible, which is very strange to me now. Yeah. Because I experience pain when I get too close to the television, but I guess that pain is a kind of joy when you're a child. It's just like, oh, the stimulus. I am so stimulated.

I can all of the photons. But yeah, no microwaves are pretty safe. And the waves that might be destructive, you would feel them as heat, because that's how they would, that's what they do. They interact with water. And if they were reaching you, you would think, ah, I feel warm.

If you ever feel like you've turned your microwave on and you're feeling warmth coming out of it, like it's like radiating out of that, that's because there's something very wrong. The screen has been removed, the metal screen that protects you from the microwaves. My grandfather actually once told me a story about how he would stand in Korea,

in the Korean War, would stand in front of the microwave antennas to warm up, which is not a good idea. Which grandfather? A mom's dad. Really? Now, I don't want to question your memory, but I'm reasonably sure that our maternal grandfather did not serve in the armed forces during the Korean

conflict. Oh, well, it's completely possible that this is a manufactured memory, but I do want to text mom and ask her. He did serve in World War II. I don't believe he served in Korea, but what do I know? I'm just his grandson. You know better, knew him better than I did. Uh, so, so it's, I mean, only barely, just because he once gave me an extremely intense lecture when I was a junior in high school.

As, uh, the main way in which I was closer to our grandfather than you were, um, because I went to boarding school and he pulled me out one day in the middle of school and told me that I was not taking my opportunities seriously and that I was a disgrace. Wow. Which actually turned out to be really helpful. Ha ha ha ha. I, yeah, I, it is, it is often that we manufacture

our memories, but I know that that is a thing that could work. And I can't imagine that. I can't. But I know that that is a thing that could work. And I can't imagine that. I can't imagine that I made that. Whether or not our grandfather actually warmed up near microwave radio towers, he could have. He could have. Absolutely could have. We'll get another question from Anna Catherine,

who asks, dear Hank and John, I dislike showers. Showers are bothersome. They take up time that I could be using to read or watch a TV show or doing my college work, practicing an instrument or listening to your podcast. They just seem like a waste of time. Do you have any tips for how to enjoy a shower? You might be able to share? Yes. Oh, man. Yes, I do. I do not know how to not enjoy a shower. I completely agree with

Anna Catherine. Showers are intensely unenjoyable because you are alone with your own thoughts. You are aware that yourself is a prison from which you can never escape. It is an awful, awful thing. And you're being pelted by water. You're essentially being attacked by very low level watery gunfire.

I should have not even asked the question because I should have known that it would have been immediately been a, you are uncomfortable with your own thoughts. That's a good job. I don't know that this is as common as you seem to think it is. Maybe it is.

But I do sometimes lament activities that should be enjoyable because I need to get other stuff done. But I maybe sing some songs in there. Maybe have an agenda before you go in and say, I'm gonna think about these three things. I'm gonna deal with some issues. But more than anything, what helps me really enjoy a shower is being cold beforehand,

because there's nothing I like more than warming up, and I am often cold because I live in Montana. So, here's my answer, Anna Catherine. Stop taking showers. Do what your ancestors did and bathe in still water. Then you can listen to a podcast. If you're willing to risk it holding your phone over the bath water, you can even watch a show while you're taking a bath. All the things that you don't like about showering, you can fix by bathing. I don't really understand baths,

but is it just the process of laying there that gets you clean? You must actually have to scrub and stuff. What's the laying there portion? Oh sure, at some point you have to soap up, but you're listening to a podcast, it's enjoyable. Right, okay. So, yeah, but you can't have like your hands holding a phone. No, I like to read for the first,

what I usually do is I usually read a book for the first 20 minutes of my bath. 20 minutes? Yeah. This is not helping Anna Catherine save time. Well, I mean, she's trying to save time so that she can do the things she enjoys doing, like reading, watching TV shows,

and listening to our podcast, all of which you can do in the bath. Yeah, I, uh, okay. But I don't think that you're actually getting clean during that time. You're just laying in your own fills. No, at that part, you're just soaking. You're just letting the days, stresses, just leave your body. I recommend a nice bath ball from Lush.

Not to advertise, but, and just let all of the stresses of the day leave your body as you read your book and listen to your podcast or watch your TV show. And then once you're in this sort of like, be a tithic state that accompanies a good, perfectly temperatureed bath ball, bath bomb kind of bath, then, then you start the scrubbing and the shampooing and everything, and it's almost by then you're so relaxed you don't mind. Okay, I don't understand bats that I'm never going to. We got out of the question.

It's from Naomi, who asks, dear Hank and John, I'm going to college next year and I found my roommate through Facebook. We've only met briefly one time in person and I'm nervous about becoming friends since we're both introverts. How do I become friends with my new roommate? And how were your college roommates? Well, I think Hank, have you ever seen the movie Speed, the one with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock?

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock share a very intense experience. And they don't have a lot in common, but because they've shared this really intense experience of being on a bus that if it went below 50 miles an hour was going to explode, at the end of the movie, they end up dating. And they aren't dating because they actually liked each other or anything like that.

They're just dating because they did this amazing, weird thing together. And I think that's kind of what having your college roommate is like, you become friends just because you're doing this weird intense thing together. Now hopefully you also turn out to be well matched and have a good long term friendship. But the initial connection is just like, can you believe that we're doing this? Right. Yeah, no, I think that's a really good point.

I think that there are ways to foster it and to open, and opening yourself up can be very hard, but I generally think that people respond to people, letting people respond to trust with trust. They respond to being trusted by being trustworthy. And I think that like opening up and saying like, I'm going to trust you with some bits of me

that will cause them to open up. And then friendship is sort of a foregone conclusion at that point. Yeah, you know, I actually remembered the very first conversation I had with my college roommate. Me too. We're not in great touch now, but we were very close friends for a long time.

I said, I believe this is the, one of the first things I ever said to him, I said, there's something that you should know. I smoke cigarettes. I won't do it in the room or anything. And then he said, well, there's something that you should know. I know the middle names of all of the US presidents. And I was like, I think we'll get along fine.

I just remember it being very like, I don't remember the content of the conversation, but I remember where we were sitting and how we were sitting. And like, it was weird because we were in the wrong room. Our room wasn't ready, so we were basically in a hotel room. And we just, yeah, we just chilled and like, we're very open and it was like, it was sort of like the most open we were in our whole relationship was that first conversation.

And you know, he turned out to have very different interests than me and so that first conversation. And you know, he turned out to, you know, have very different interests than me. And so that first college roommate, we didn't become great friends. But I felt a little bit like, even though he had these really good friends that were like, you know, in his, like, sort of interest areas, that when there was like bigger stuff, he would come to me with that stuff, almost just because I was there and also not involved in all of that. Right, that's a good point. You're gonna be okay, is the long and short of it.

Um, I think most of our advice boils down to, you're gonna be okay. Yeah, no, I definitely think you're gonna be okay. And then there's that little, there's that little like 10% of the advice that's like, you're gonna be okay. But, uh, we're all gonna die. It's always good to throw that in.

So you're also kind of not gonna be okay, you know? Like, you're gonna be okay in the short run, but in the long run I am concerned. Hank, we have another question. This one comes from Erica who writes, dear John and Hank, just recently, half an hour ago, I broke my favorite mug. It was yellow and had a cute little handle. It has no sentimental value, but it was undoubtedly the best mug in my apartment,

and I used it practically every day. No other mug has ever measured up, and it feels so odd using the past tense here, because I can't believe it is gone. My question is, how long is the appropriate morning period for a broken mug? I feel like I lost a friend or something. I cried a lot when it first broke and I tear up every time I think about it. Bear in mind, every time I think about it, this has only been the 30 minutes. I wish I didn't cry so easily, but I think that might be a separate issue.

Yeah, I'm glad that you didn't write in about that. so easily, but I think that might be a separate issue. Yeah, I'm glad that you didn't write it in about that. That's a five. I have no advice on crying too much, except that I also do it. Any advice on how to get over the loss of a truly unique and excellent mug? Well, Erica, I suspect that you are over it. That in the time that it took you, it took us to answer your question, you moved through all five of the stages of grief.

I know what it's like though, to lose something that you really like, and it's a stupid little thing, but you still miss it. It made your life better in a little way. In fact, I still remember Hank, you probably don't remember this at all, but one time, mom had this cookie jar that she really loved. Oh, it was Dad's cookie jar, a toggle.

No, I remember a toggle. Dad's cookie jar. Well, okay, you tell the jar, a toggle. No, I remember a toggle. Dad's cookie jar. Well, okay, you tell the story, because apparently I don't remember any of it. Well, I will just say that mom just texted me back and indeed, Papa served in World War II. So you were right about that, but I was right about this cookie jar.

And yeah. All right, I'm gonna text mom about the cookie jar while you, she's gonna be very confused. Well, you tell the story. So yeah, it was, I mean, you have children, and you have ceramic things. You must know that there is a high chance that that ceramic thing is going to stop existing at some point.

And indeed, tug of the cookie jar. It was a cookie jar in the shape of a tugboat. Did not survive our childhood. And I couldn't even tell you. Oh, that was a bad day though. I remember it did it as being a very bad day. Was it me? I think it was kind of us.

I think it was one of those real shared blame moments. Well, yeah, it was, and indeed, I would not have thought that they would have been so distraught. Or that dad would have been so distraught about the destruction of this tugboat cookie jar. But you never know. You never know what the thing is that you feel this deep connection to and maybe it contains some memories, although Erica goes to length to point out that the mug had no sentimental

value at all. My main advice, Erica, would be to go to dftba.com and get yourself a couple of brand new mugs because they're affordable, they're excellent quality, and you'll find that they serve in almost exactly the same fashion as your yellow mug with the cute little handle. You answered this question purely so you could plug mugs on dftba.com, didn't you, John? Just be honest. I wouldn't say I answered the question purely so that i could remind people they can get excellent coffee mugs and uh... t-shirts and other

things at dftba dot com right now uh... but i do think that it's an important part of the question just to remind people that dftba dot com is your home for excellent mugs t-shirts posters and etc uh... what was that you are elegant john i think i may have forgotten it oh Oh, it's easy to remember Hank. It's don't forget to be awesome, but just you just shorten it into an initialism so that it's dftba.com. And once you go there, you'll just be overwhelmed by the consumer products that are available to you all of such astonishingly high quality.

And yet at the same time, surprisingly affordable. I think, John, it may be possible that today's broadcast is brought to you by TFTBA.com. TFTBA.com where you can get all of the things that you might want. That should be our real tagline. And today's broadcast is also brought to you by toxic mega colon, toxic mega colon, not just a terrible disease, also a band in New York City. Uh, this podcast is additionally brought to you by Stewing in your own Filth for 20 Minutes while reading a book, because that's supposed to get you clean.

Oh man, I do not apologize. And of course, today's podcast. I do not. I do not. And of course, today's podcast is also brought to you by Snapchat. Snapchat. Hank is at Hank GRE and it really makes him happy when you follow him on Snapchat. Oh man. I have so many thoughts on Snapchat that I'm going to move right on and not talk about any of them, less we talk about Snapchat for the entire podcast.

This question is from Piper. It's very important, John. Piper asks, dear Hank and John, why is it that soft chunky chips, chips as in French fries, taste so much worse than thin crispy chips. It can't simply be because they're bigger because I could put three small chips together and it would taste better than the mushy big chips. Is there some sort of scientific answer here?

It can't possibly be personal preference because everyone knows that small crispy chips are better. Well, I mean, part of it is personal preference, right? Because some people like so-called steak fries. Or, right, yeah, steak fries. That's what they call them in America. Or the large crispy chips. I personally enjoy what are usually known as shoe string fries.

Yeah, for instance, you get at steak and shake. I like those, the shoe stringier, the better. And I think it boils down to the same thing. A few weeks ago. We talked about why regular M&Ms are in our opinion so much better than many M&Ms, but many people like many M&Ms better. It all boils down to either candy to chocolate ratio or in this case, I think, fry to potato ratio. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's that crispy, like just eating a baked potato, it's got its perks,

but you're gonna put a bunch of butter and sour cream on there or chili or something. Cheese, because it's like just potato while containing lots of nutrition does not have a great flavor. It's pretty bland, but if you fry it, you get a little bit of that, some kind of chemical reaction going on

where you get the crispiness and there's also some added flavor, and also that added oil, which is basically your butter substitute, and oil's good, so you get that mix of both the starch and the fat. And I feel like there's got, there's like an optimal ratio there,

and you want, in general, more fat to starch, because we're humans and that's all good stuff for our energy needs. Well, that's very interesting, Hank. We're gonna move on to a serious question now. If we can, this question is from Guillaume, or Guillaume. I don't know, I'm not really bad at pronouncing French names. Dear John and Hank, I only had three years of high school French. I'm a 34 year old guy with two kids, six and three.

I've been with my wife for 14 years, and today she announced she doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave. I'm a bit of a loner, and she's been almost my only friend in those years. She's more outgoing and has always wanted to do more things with her friends while I've pulled back, even more with the kids and all the things that we had to do and all the bad nights. That's what drove her away. I wasn't doing enough, she lost some friends and now she realized we're too different. She feels like she's going to be more happy without me with someone else.

I obviously don't want her to leave, but it looks like it's going to happen. Winning her back seems hard, but letting her go seems harder. I'm a very rational guy and I understand that I might find happiness in the future, but I see the road ahead and I'm not sure I want to face it. Any dubious advice. That's a very serious question, John. You picked out, I think, maybe the most serious question we got this month. I actually, we got so many questions about divorce in the last two weeks.

Hank, I felt like we should answer one of them because I mean the short answer for me is that you're right that the short term road ahead is going to be very difficult no matter what. You know, and I don't know the particulars of your situation. I don't know if it makes sense to go to couples counseling. I don't know what makes sense for your family. You guys are gonna have to figure that out, but it will be hard. And sometimes there's something really overwhelming

about knowing that you're facing a hard year or two years or who knows how long, but at the same time, I think you're also right that you can find happiness in the future and that this time won't be merely hard. It will also be many other things. And that's the best kind of hope that I can offer, I think. It isn't going to be easy. Divorce isn't easy. It's extremely, extremely difficult, but it's also it's not the end of your life,

it's not the end of your world. Yeah, I mean, I, if I was in that situation more than anything, I, you know, there are a lot of things to mourn there. I think that it's a, it's kind of a grieving process and has to be considered to be, you know, like, understand that this is going to be tough for a lot of different reasons and that that's normal and natural. And like losing the stability that your life had and, you know, and having to go into this new,

unknown future is no fun, but. Yeah, there's a lot of grief there for sure. Yeah, but knowing that that's normal. And I think in some ways probably Yeah, treating it as grief is probably useful You know to understand that you don't like when you're in a grieving process. You don't wake up one day Better, you know, it's just this it's a slow transformation and understanding that

Yeah, I think not denying that is really important, but there's no, at least that I've seen from my friends who've been through divorce, there's no easy way to go through it, but there is another side. Life does go on and life can be very fulfilling and good again. I have another question, John. This one's from Robin, who asks, dear Hank and John, one of my favorite things to do every day is to listen to podcasts while I walk my dog Murray. When Murray and I are out, we are controlled walking, not smelling flowers, and definitely not shit-chatting with neighbors. But the weather is getting nicer, and more people are outside, and so many old people are out trying to find people to talk to. I don't like feeling obligated to smile and wave at these strangers. I just want to listen to my pod.

But I can't help feeling guilty or worse, mad at them for making me feel guilty. Am I being rude and I the problem? What's the best way to walk past my neighbors? This feels more like a John question, because I'm totally the annoying talky person. And I feel bad maybe for now for being the annoying talky person who is like, take your headphones out.

Let's make a connection. We're all experiencing this beautiful life together. We might as well talk about it. Can I pet your dog? I feel like you might be less of that kind of person. Well, I don't totally disagree with you Hank because I do think that life is social and when you're in social spaces, it's good to smile and wave.

Even if it feels like an obligation, like making those tiny social connections as a huge part of what a lot of people find fulfilling about being on earth, and I think it's very difficult to have a life that's completely separated from all other people. Like humans aren't really designed to be islands, although obviously lots of people have different ways

of connecting to others, et cetera. But I will say that one time I was on an airplane and the woman sitting next to me was very anxious and I am also very anxious, Hank, and I don't know if you know this, but when you pluck a perfectly tuned G string, a G string on an instrument far away from that instrument, but not too far, will also begin to vibrate.

Did you know that? Yes, I did that. I did know that. Yeah, so sometimes when somebody who is a very anxious person, when their string is vibrating, I feel that vibration very intensely because I am also a very anxious person. And so this person was very, very anxious about flying. And I'm sympathetic to the problem because I am also a bit of an anxious flyer, but I was just trying to survive my flight. So I put headphones in as a way of saying, as politely as I could,

I need this conversation to be over. And the woman reached over and she touched my ear, who's a stranger, we were not acquainted. She touched my ear and she removed the earbud from my ear. And I have never in my life come closer to just disappearing. I very near just cease to be. I thought you were gonna say I very nearly, like literally physically attacked a person.

Cause that is... No, no, no, no, I didn't have any desire to hurt this person. I just had an intense desire not to be where I was. I mean, yes. And I wanted it so badly that it almost happened. I almost wasn't where I was. Um, anyway, all of which is just to say that I am sympathetic to Robin's position about wanting to be left alone, but at the same time, when you go out into a social space, you have

to understand that part of that is waving at strangers. I think it's fine to have headphones in, and then you can just wave and smile rather than having a whole conversation because if someone starts to speak to you, you can just point at the ears, and hopefully they won't reach over, touch your ears and remove the earbud from your ears. And presumably, if that does happen, Murray will be there to support you. And I have to say that there is a adorable picture of Murray hiding in the bathtub, which we will attempt to put on the Patreon for everyone to see. I have, I think one last question before we get to the news from Mars

and AFC Wimbledon John. Okay. It's from PX, who asks, dear Hank and John, thank you for the podcast. It's one of the highlights of my week, thank you, PX. The question is, in what ways do you think your experiences of the last nine years would have been different or similar? If instead of being the vlog brothers, you were the vlog sisters. Oh, that's a really interesting question. I think the first way... or similar, if instead of being the vlog brothers, you were the vlog sisters.

Oh, that's a really interesting question. I think the first way. I don't think we would have done it. I certainly don't think that we would have been able to build an audience in the same way because much earlier on in the process, people would have started threatening us and stalking and all of the stuff that happens

to women on the internet disproportionately. And anybody who doesn't believe that that stuff happens disproportionately to women on the internet just needs to make some female friends who are on the internet, because I mean, I, you know, they're almost everyone I know who's a content creator who has more than about a thousand average viewers has experienced that kind of harassment. And Hank and I have had it to a much, much smaller extent and much,

much later in our careers when we were better able to deal with it. You know, we had more resources. We had more support from people, professional and personal support. So yeah, I agree. I don't think we would have built, I don't think we would have built the same audience. I think if we'd done it, we would have quit much sooner. And yeah, I totally agree. Unfortunately, I think that that's one of the many, many ways

in which the internet is structurally misogynistic. It is very hard to know exactly, but every female YouTuber I know has dealt with harassment and stalking and legitimately threatening messages and things that we really, like even now, at that scale, haven't experienced, and I have watched people disengage from the platform. Amazing content creators who do great stuff, either take long breaks, which can really, you know, hinder your growth on YouTube or just go away

and stop doing it and, you know, like, get a normal job. Because of that, and I can't, like, the people I know who have pushed through and just done it and done it and done it, and like, when I hear their stories, or like, I've even like, you know, like, talked to them about it, and they've sent me emails of what, you know,

like, like, forward me emails to be like, is this like something I should be worried about? I got an email like that. I'd just be out. I just can't even imagine. Yeah, no, me too. I think that, yeah, I think it's really, it's horrifying and it's a huge problem and it's an under-discussed problem.

You hear all the time, why aren't there more women making YouTube videos? And I think the answer is pretty clear and pretty straightforward, which is that it's not a safe space for a lot of women and a lot of women don't feel safe making YouTube videos. And with good reason, I have great admiration for those who continue to make videos in spite of it. I also have

admiration for the people who just say this is not going to be part of my life because I have to stay safe and do work that where I feel comfortable and not constantly threatened. Yeah. All right, John. Well, I imagine that you have some news from AFC Wimbledon, but would you like me to do the news from Mars first? Yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, sure. Whatever. So SpaceX, you know SpaceX, John.

Elon Musk. They not only have had now two successful reusable rocket landings, the second one coming from a much higher altitude than the first, where these rockets have come back to Earth and landed themselves on drone ships at sea, which is just remarkable to see, and it kind of feels impossible to me, but there you have it. It's happening. Once to send a probe to Mars, a large probe to Mars, larger than a lander that would be larger than curiosity, which is I think the largest thing that we've ever sent to Mars so far, by 2018, which is, I mean, Elon Musk is very optimistic often with his timelines. So I'm not saying this is gonna happen in 2018,

but that is really soon for a mission that hasn't even, like the land or hasn't even been designed yet, the rocket that would launch it hasn't ever been launched to space. So this is like, it's an modification of existing rocket, but it is a rocket that's never been tested. And like just so ambitious, but also very exciting.

And I think that the, it hasn't been discussed too much, but my guess is that this would be a sample return mission. When we're talking about the kind of mass that they want this thing to be, that's probably because it would have to have on it enough fuel to then launch back off the surface of Mars. And that means that they want to collect some rocks and some dirt from the surface of Mars and then launch it back off the surface of Mars

and have it land on Earth so that we can get those rocks directly from the surface of Mars and do research on them which is so cool and I've been waiting for a Mars sample return for my whole life and if we had one by 2018 which would mean we would be studying those rocks back from the surface of Mars you know in the early 2020s that would just make my dreams come true. Well Hank speaking of dreams coming true you may recall that just 14 short years ago, AFC Wimbledon was playing in the ninth tier of English football, the combined

county's league, and that today they are a team in the fourth tier of English soccer. They are in the football league. They are a full-time professional team again. The goal this season, you'll recall from the early podcasts, was to stay up, to stay in the football league. I never dared to dream that AFC Wimbledon might find themselves in the playoffs with a 25% chance of going up to league one, the third tier of English football. They're just too underfunded. They're owned by their fans, not by some rich person. They don't have, yeah, I mean, you know, they don't have some like fancy new stadium,

although hopefully someday they will. And yet, and yet, after winning five straight games, AFC Wimbledon found themselves in a very good position to get into the playoffs. They then lost to Port Smith, which was a disappointing result. Then they were playing your beloved Stevenage, Hank, you'll recall your Stevenage fan.

I know, and this couldn't have gone better for me, frankly, because if Stevenage had won, it wouldn't have gone better for me, frankly, because if Steven H. had won, it wouldn't have helped them out at all. No. But it would have been terrible for Wimbledon. Correct. But if Steven H. had lost, then it would have been like, oh, they lost, that's sort of sad.

But instead, what happened? Instead, they tied zero, zero. The most exciting end of the game. It appeared that that was not enough. But then something amazing happened, which is that some team I can't even remember who I think that they're maybe a... I all I... Plymouth maybe? Plymouth's rock? I don't know. All I know is that some team scored against Cambridge United in the last minute of that game. And because that game was a tie, AFC Wimbledon then qualified

for the playoffs, which created this hilarious and surreal situation in which AFC Wimbledon players, two minutes after their game ended, were suddenly celebrating like crazy having tied Stevenage. Um, AFC Wimbledon qualified for the playoffs in seventh spot the last of the last of the last of the four playoff spots. They will play Ackrington Stanley, another fan-owned teamhank, by the way. In the semifinals, it's home in a way. So first Ackrington Stanley will come visit AFC Wimbledon on May 14th, which will be after

this or before this podcast airs. So the you people who are listening to this now know of a future that is either very good or very bad or possibly neutral. And then they will play at Akron Constantly in the second part of that home away two game series. And then the combined score of those two games will decide who goes to the playoff final to be played May 30th at Wembley Stadium. Hank, this is like a 80,000 person stadium.

It would be just unbelievable. The whole situation is just, it's beautiful, it's unbelievable, it's overwhelming, it's terrifying, it's everything that human life can be. And the last thing I wanted to say, while I was on the news from AFC Wimbledon, is that Wimbledon just played, so their last game against Newport County of the season was essentially, you know, there wasn't anything to play for, they were already going to be seventh, it didn't matter

whether they won or tied or lost, but they won that game. They won it won to Nile because they got a penalty and autobiolok and Fenwa the 34-year-old largest and greatest both in terms of mass and quality professional soccer player in the world today was handed the ball to take the penalty. And it might be, Oken Fen was last game playing for Wimbledon. It might even be the last game in his career for all we know. He may be retiring. It's very possibly his last game playing for Wimbledon though. And, you know, obviously you want to score in your last game and he's a legend, uh, to AFC Wimbledon fans, but he chose not to take the penalty. Instead, he handed the

ball, uh, to an 18 year old kid who was making his debut that day, um, and let him take the penalty. He scored, uh, AFC Wimbledon one, one, nil. And I think autobiolok and Fenwa showed that young man and everybody, uh, who supports AFC Wimbledon, what it is to be a good leader and to be a good mentor and to be a good teammate. And I'm so, so proud of this team and I'm so excited. I just hope that they beat Ackington Stanley on May 14th. The playoff of the second leg is on May 18th. So Hank, that means on May 19th, which will be probably

before we next record a podcast, isn't it, won't it? Oh gosh, it may be, unless we figure out a way to do it along on the road. So before we next record a podcast, I will know whether I am going to be spending May 30th in London or not. Wow, that's super exciting. It's pretty crazy. I am very pleased. And if you guys win this, oh, it's too scary.

And I just, the idea of kicking that penalty kick too after I can fend with Gisney the ball, I don't know how professional sports players do that. I know, I wouldn't have definitely missed. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even have hit the ball. I would have just just wished to put a grass. Yeah, I mean, I do. So these playoffs, you know, they can go, they can go to extra time in the penalties. In fact, it was, you know, because of a playoff, it was in a playoff final that AFC Wimbledon made it back into the football league

in 2011 on a penalty shootout. I cannot imagine taking a penalty shootout and you walk up there and you put the ball in the spot and you know that if you miss your team will not be promoted. It's just, I can't, you're absolutely right. I would not hit the ball. I would I Would kick the air and then the referee would have to make a decision as to whether that counted as an attempt All right, well John what have we learned today Hank before we wrap things up here I have a quick update from the future this is John from the future here AFC Wimbledon has played the first leg of their playoff semi-final against Ackrington Stanley. It was the home leg. It was nil nil in the 90th minute. It

appeared that the game would end that way. But then, Ata Bailaak and Fenwa got a ball right on the touch line, passed it into the middle. There was a bit of a scrum, and who should emerge from that scrum to score a goal? But Tom Beer, you've never heard me say that name Hank, because Tom Beer had never scored a goal for AFC Wimbledon. In fact, he'd never scored a goal in the football league. He's an AFC Wimbledon youth academy graduate, who was recently on loan to a sixth tier team who scored in the playoffs semifinals for his hometown team AFC Wimbledon. It was a miracle. It was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. Nothing hurt. Now on Wednesday

They will play Ackrington Stanley in the second leg of that semifinal. If they win or tie They they go to Wembley and that would they winner tie, they go to Wembley. And that would mean that I would also go to Wembley. So that is the update on AFC Wimbledon, incredibly exciting stuff, Hank. All I'm saying is that I think that we've learned that AFC Wimbledon winner lose is probably the greatest collection of human beings in the history of this planet, possibly even Mars. Probably. If, yeah, anyway. We learned to, to that skinny fries,

are just better because of the starch to oil crispiness ratio. We learn that toxic mega-colon is not just something to be feared, but also something to be listened to. And we learn to never, ever, ever, ever under any circumstances, but especially when containing an earbud, should you touch John Green's ear? Really, just don't touch the ears of strangers. I think that's pretty like fundamental human fact.

Never, never do that. Thanks for listening to our podcast, which is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our intern is Claudio Morales. Rosiana Hoss Rojas helps us out with the questions. Our theme music is by Gunnarola. You can email us at hankandjohnatgmail.com. If you'd like to ask us a question, or you can go to the Twitter and use the hashtag

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