Dear Hank & John - 50: Things Are Like Other Things

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

Why isn't John on Hank's Top 8 on MySpace? What is the correct way to eat an Oreo? Is my can opener a sign that I've entered an alternate universe? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and Jaa! Goers, I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast about death where my brother and I answer your questions, give you a dubious advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon and it feels like forever since I last podcasted John but there's so much news from AFC Wimbledon. So much news from AFC Wimbledon Hank, I am exhausted because as I speak to you, I have just gotten home from our amazing trip to Wimbledon. Our dad was there, Rosiana was there, Meredith who edits the Wimbly Wimbledon games that we used to sponsor. AFC Wimbledon was there. It was an amazing, amazing day at Wembley 57,000 people in the stadium

to watch Plymouth, Argyle take on AFC Wimbledon for a spot in the third tier of English football. AFC Wimbledon with the smallest stadium in the fourth tier of English football, one of the smallest playing budgets. It was just an amazing day. Hank 22,000 AFC Wimbledon fans were there. They were wearing DFTBA on the back of their shorts at England's national stadium after a tense score was first half in the second half, 15 minutes in. Lyle Taylor, that man Lyle Taylor, the messy from Montserrat, the Montserrat International, just got enough of a touch on a cross to send it into the back of the net.

And as the ball rippled in the back of the net, I thought to myself, he wasn't off side, and the ball was in the net. So that means that Wimbledon have scored, and all around me, everyone was celebrating, and I was just thinking, but how is this possible? How did this happen? Yes, there must be something wrong.

I had done such a good job of explaining to myself over and over again that just getting to Wembley was an incredible accomplishment for this team. It never really crossed my mind that they might win. And then in the 96th minute, there was an astonishing amount of extra time in the game, Hank. Ata Bioch and Fenwa scored a penalty to ensure that AFC Wimbledon were going to league one. They won the game. The team that just not too long ago had like a 5% chance of having a 25% chance of being a third tier English football team, suddenly and unexpectedly has a

100% chance of having a 100% chance of being a third tier English soccer team. Hank, we sponsor a third tier English soccer team. Our community has now watched AFC Wimbledon get promoted. It's their sixth promotion since the club was reformed in 2002. It's just an incredible story. I'm so grateful to everybody. I went back to Kings Meadow after the game, Hank. And I want to say thanks to the AFC Wibbleden supporters

who sang my name. Nothing has ever made me happier. But I got to also say that all the players went out and hung out with the fans after the game because they understand that it is the fans who own this team and it was an amazing thing to hang out with the captain Barry Fuller, autobioloccan Fenwa. It was just it was amazing. It was just what a crazy day. I'm so glad that I went. I'm sorry you weren't there, but it was it was wonderful. And I assume that there is more news from AFC Wimbledon to come later because you just,

I feel like you just gave all the news from AFC Wimbledon already. Oh no, no, no, that's just the beginning of the news from AFC Wimbledon. Well, we'll get to that at the end of the episode. Yes, how are you? I'm sorry, you're just back from tour. How was tour? Tour was great. I am so happy that I did it.

We saw so many deer hank and John listeners. People were very excited every time I mentioned the podcast on stage. They're big fans of the pod, John. We got, we got, this is a, this is a thing and people love it and I'm so happy. I'm so happy that you like it. You people of the world. Share it with all your friends. I also met many fans of the pod when I was at Wembley. People kept coming up to me and saying they enjoyed the podcast. It was great. It was so fun. Thanks to everybody who listens and thanks to everybody who supports us on Patreon. We don't like to talk about how this podcast

is properly sponsored, but it is sponsored in truth by our viewers. So thanks to all of you. I hope you enjoy the monthly Google Hangouts that we do, but also we just wanna say that we really appreciate you supporting the podcast, but thanks to everybody who listens, and also you can head over to the Patreon if you want for things like Pictures of Tuggle, the cookie jar that turns out Hank did not destroy.

I did not destroy. Thanks also to Mom for being on the pod. John, do you have a short poem for us? I do have a short poem, Hank. It's, uh, now let no charitable hope by Eleanor Morton Wiley, an American poet from the sort of late 19th, early 20th century. Now let no charitable hope confuse my mind with images of

eagle and of anilope. I am by nature none of these. I was being human, born alone. I am being woman, hard beset. I lived by squeezing from a stone what little nourishment I get. In masks outrages and austere, the years go by in single file. But none has marred in my fear, and none has quite escaped my smile. Eleanor Morton Wiley, with now let no charitable hope, I love that idea that no year has quite merited her fear

and none has quite escaped her smile. There's a little bit of hope in that poem and I'm just feeling very hopeful right now because I have been reminded that occasionally improbable wonders do befall us. All right, well, thank congratulations on having an improbable wonder befall you, John. Just put that on a t-shirt and it'll be great. All right, let's get to some questions from our listeners.

Okay, I've got one. This one is from Riley, who asks, Dear Hank and John, I'm a graduate student studying agriculture chemistry and earlier today, I was delighted to find out that I got a grant which will allow me to do a study about greenhouse gas emissions from manure. Shortly after, I was walking across the quad when a bird defecated right onto my head. According to the internet, a bird pooping on your head is considered good luck. Now, I am not generally superstitious, but considering the poopy coincidence, can I interpret this as a good omen for my research to come?

Or am I just trying to make the best out of a crappy situation? Thanks for the question, Riley. Riley, I appreciate your pun. No, it is not good luck to have a bird poop on you. In my opinion. Says you? No, I don't think it's good luck. Well, first, I think maybe it's good luck to have a bird poop on you. In my opinion. Says you! No, I don't think it's good luck. Well, first, I think maybe it's good luck,

but the bird was just a late. Interesting theory. And the good luck, it was retroactive with regard to the grant that was already given. But then additionally, I think that pretending, like bad things happening to you, bad things that you cannot control, and that are not caused by anything but mere coincidence, like just bird poop.

It's good to imagine that they're good, since they are objectively bad, but you can't avoid them. It's a thing that's going to happen sometimes. Yeah, I guess I just don't want to become too dependent on looking to the heavens for omens, because I think that's a bit of a dangerous business because then you start to see bad ones and that becomes a kind of self-defeating thing. So I try to avoid that, but I don't always succeed. Also, if you're looking to the heavens for omens, like literally you might get pooped in the eye.

Yeah, that's bad. You gotta make sure that you keep your head level so that the poop falls on a more impervious surface. I got pooped on recently by a bird. I was having coffee and it pooped right on my hand and the hand I was holding my coffee in, but not in the coffee. And I felt like that was a nice coincidence that it was just on my hand and not in my coffee.

So in summary, our advice in this situation, Riley, is under no circumstances, should you ever look at the sky? You should just assume that it is up there. No, but never look at it because there is a small chance, but a very real chance that a bird will poop into your eye. And that would be bad luck. Bad luck. Sky poop.

Sky poop is bad. Okay, and we have another question. This one comes from Cass who writes, dear brother's green. Good try, Cass, but no, she writes, dear John and Hank. My girlfriend and I have a long debate going and we're going to need you to clear something up.

What is the best way to eat an Oreo? I am a fan of dunking it in milk, roughly halfway, letting it sit for a couple of seconds then eating the cookie. And when I've had my fill, then drinking the milk. She thinks that you have to drop the cookie into the cup of milk, let it sit at the bottom, and drink the milk until you find your soggy Oreo. Okay, Cass.

Hank, I think we can agree that neither of these ways is the best way to eat Oreo. We cannot throw my pen on the ground in distaste and we can say what we can say is that there is no wrong way to eat an Oreo unless all Oreos are bad. I don't know, maybe they are. They're not great for you, but I don't think they're like high in vitamin A or anything, but I would argue, okay, there is no wrong way to eat an Oreo.

You and your girlfriend should probably stop fighting about this, etc., etc. But in fact, can I tell you the way that I eat an Oreo? Yes, please. What I do is I dip it about halfway in water, which is exactly like dipping it in milk, but without any of the grossness of milk. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! What, why are you making that noise? Because I hate you! Why?

That's... Oh, I thought there was no wrong way to eat an Oreo. Next time, you just dip it in some hydrogen sulfide. Oh, geez. There's nothing wrong with dipping your Oreo in water. It gives you all the moisture that milk does without any of the gross milkness. Okay, well, what I'm just gonna have a final say on Oreos here, I'm gonna ignore you completely

and say that the wonderful thing about Oreos is that there are many different ways to enjoy them. You can break them open and lick the cream out, you can dunk, you can not dunk, and all of the ways have their own benefits. And that's the thing that I like about Oreos, and the reason why I don't allow them in my house, because I will eat the whole package in one or two days because I have no self-control. Yeah, I'm in the same boat, actually. I have to be very careful about what I bring into my home because I will do it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I have not purchased an Oreo in a decade, maybe.

But I do eat them whenever I'm at a friend's house and they have them. Yeah, I love to dunk a good Oreo in water when I'm at a friend's house as well. Let's ask another question, Hank. This one comes from Tanmeh in India who has a fantastic question. She writes, dear John and Hank, I saw Hank's MySpace profile, MySpace.com slash WH green and I observed that John was not on Hank's top eight. Why is that?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! This is apparently the episode of Dear Hank and John where Hank stops communicating in traditional English words and only uses sounds.

I'm looking at my, oh here's my top eight. Ooh, ooh, wow, I just clicked on something and I saw a human butt. Dan... Well, welcome to the new MySpace. I'm looking at my top eight right now. And these are all real friends of mine. Yeah, your wife's there. Except for that person.

Who is that? I don't know who that is. Why, I remember that person's name, but anyway Yes, my wife is there and a bunch of friends and also the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge so I was more of a friend with a wildlife refuge than I was with you Well, yeah, I mean, I guess the answer to that question is that back when Hank and I last updated our my spaces Which for me was I think in 2006? to that question is that back when Hank and I last updated our My Spaces, which for me was I think in 2006, back then we were not as close as we are now.

So I probably wasn't one of Hank's top eight friends. Hank, do you remember that song by Molly Lewis about My Space? Mm-hmm. I hope that you forget about your MySpace. I hope it slips completely from your mind. And I hope it stays up long enough for the next generation to find. Yeah, that one.

That song has become so hilariously prophetic. We have all forgotten about our MySpace. In fact, we have lots of young listeners who right now are asking themselves, what is a MySpace? A MySpace is what a Facebook was before regular non-college in high school students could access Facebook. And MySpace was a huge, huge deal. And now it has become a sort of strange library of American life

in the years 2004 to 2006. Well, I mean, it's changed so much that it doesn't really look like what it used to look like at all. I have like seven pictures on my Myspace. Four of them are just of me and one of them is of Catherine and there's like three people

in my Myspace pictures who are not me. That's weird. Yeah, I know it has changed a lot, but it does still serve as a kind of library. I'm actually looking at MySpace now and I must have updated it in 2007 at the latest because it has a copy of paper towns on it. But yeah, most of my pictures,

there's some from my honeymoon. There's one of page railstones, so I guess we used it during the vlog brothers era. And then there's my first author photo and a picture of me feeding an iguana on my honeymoon. So it was in that era when I was, you know, going on honeymoon's, which does seem to be to me in the distant, distant past.

All right, well, I have now on the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge's MySpace. So we're going to have to move on to the next question. Last week, we spent the entire episode. Yeah. Otherwise, we're going to follow all the way down a rabbit hole. Oh, yeah, I agree.

So here is another question. This one's from Lizzie, who asks, dear Hank and John, shouldn't gravy boats be called gravy baths as thevy is inside of it? I like that we're really focusing on the hard-hitting, difficult questions today, Hank. We'll get there. We'll get to the some harder opinions on this if you'd like.

I do have a strong opinion, but I suspect that your strong opinion is that Gravy Boat is the wrong word and we should start using Gravy Bath, whereas I actually really like gravy boat. I also, I agree with you. I agree with you because gravy boats are, the gravy is the passenger in the gravy boat. That's right.

It is sailing in the ocean of Thanksgiving dinner. That's right. So it is a sail on the ship of your dining room table and the gravy is the passenger. Yes. The water in this metaphor is just the ethereal nature of the feast that you are consuming. That's beautiful, Hank. Just the sort of, yes.

Things are like other things. You're mistreyaulling by not being a poet. Things are like other things. This is one of the best poems I've ever heard in my entire life. It's, it's a simile, but it's also a metaphor. It's got a lot going for it. I actually think I might get a things

or like other things tattoo someday. I have to say that I stole that joke from Twitter and I don't know who tweeted it. I just saw it on Tumblr and the tweet was, yes, we get it, poets, things are like other things. I'm glad that you acknowledge having stolen that joke, which I mean, it would have been perfectly plausible to me

that two people thought of that same joke, but I appreciate your honesty. All right, so I feel like you want a more difficult question, John. If you have one. Yeah, I have real questions here. Oh, that's a real question. The gravy boat versus gravy bath issue, but I think, let's try, can we delve deeper into the human experience

as my question? Yes, this question is from Eva, who asks, Dear Hank and John, I have a chronic illness, arthritis, and I have great meds from some of my symptoms are under control, but I still go to the doctor twice a year to keep track of it. I was 13 when I was diagnosed, which meant that my parents came to the doctor with me. So a few days before my appointment this week, I was reminding my dad of the visit and my sister was surprised that I wanted him there since I'm 18 now. Is that weird? Is there an age at when which you should go to the doctor alone? My dad still handles

my prescriptions because it's complicated and there's money involved. But in addition to that, I like having him there. He's a smart guy. At which point am I expected to go to the doctor by myself? Well, I think this is another thing where adulthood is a process not an event or if there are events in it, they sort of only appear to you in retrospect. But I definitely don't think you need to stop having your dad go to the doctor with you the day you turn 18 if you find it useful for him to be there.

Yeah, I think that it is, I think that there is a number, a large amount of information transfer that continues from parents to children forever. And, and, and having that be having like creating systems for that to happen is great. And your dad has been to the doctor more times than you have, and it knows how that works. And it's often good to have two sets of ears in a doctor's office, so that you remember things more better. And if you don't have that, then it's always also good to maybe take a piece of paper

and a pen or take notes. But yeah, I think that there will be a time when you will head out and be doing that sort of thing on your own and getting comfortable with that is part of life. Yeah, but there's no particular hurry. No, absolutely not. You hear a lot about how adolescence is like being extended and people aren't diving you know, diving headfirst

into adulthood the way that they used to or whatever. And I think that is a big load of who we have always had a kind of slow process through which adults become adults. It has never been instantaneous. It has never been the day of your bar mitzvah or the day you turn 18 or any of that. And I think that I totally agree with you that there is this, you know, transferral between children and their parents

that should last as long as it can last because I think it's very useful. Absolutely. That said, at this point, I don't think that I'd want my dad going to the doctor with me. No, not unless it was, although, you know, I actually would be that bad. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor.

It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor.

It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. It depends on which doctor. like, hey, I wouldn't mind having my dad there since he's been through this before. Maybe that would be a useful thing to have. Alright Hank, here's another question.

This one comes from Andrea who asks, dear John and Hank, I recently graduated from college with my bachelor's in education and I got a job as a lead teacher at a head start center. I love my job, my kids, and the mission of the program, but sometimes I find my family asking when I am going to get a job at a quote, real school. It's true the pay isn't as great as it would be at a public or private school, but I'm single and I can afford my lifestyle so far. And plus, there are more things involved than just money. How can I stay affirmed in my choice of career and tune out those people in my life who don't

think of preschool teachers as real teachers? Well, Andrea, I have two preschool-age children, and let me tell you that in my opinion, their teachers are real teachers who will have a long impact on their lives. And the idea that people who teach five-year-olds or four-year-olds are doing less important work than people who teach six-year-olds strikes me as frankly ludicrous. Yes, I agree. And I've been thinking a lot about the way that we decide, culturally, what jobs

are valuable and not valuable, and by extension, what lives are valuable and not valuable. And the more I think about it, the more it angers me, because it seems often like the jobs that we praise the least are the ones that have the most impact on individual people. And the ones that we praise the most are the ones that have small impacts on large numbers of people. But I think that the work that we do to care for each other is the most vital and most human work that we do. And I think that,

but figuring out how to like internalize that in a world where maybe you're getting signals that that isn't the case is difficult. So I just wanna say that you are doing great work and internalizing that is a process, but the more you do it, the better. The more you know that you are doing a great job, you are being the best that you can be at the job,

at the work that you're doing, and the people that you care for, and the parents of the people that you care for will be the beneficiaries of you being great at what you're doing, and you are great, and thank you. Yeah, it can be difficult to do that without outside affirmation, and unfortunately, the main way that people assign value

to work is the salary or hourly pay of that work, which I totally agree with you Hank is a huge mistake because there are lots of impacts that you can have on people's lives that are not well measured by the free market. And especially with someone like Andrea who says that she feels like she's able to afford her lifestyle in the work that she does, you know, then the work itself needs, you know, needs to be as valuable to her as possible. And I think that taking care of kids and helping them learn and getting them excited about

the world around them is incredibly important work. All right, John. I've got another question if you're ready for that. I'm ready. Bring it. Madison asks important question here. Dear Hank and John, I've lived my 22.5 years believing that farts are completely harmless.

This was until my partner called an exceptionally audible and fragrant fart of mine, an air poop, and it got me thinking. How much should I worry about aerosolized fecal matter impacting our health? Is there a limit I should be aware of or is my partner just absurd? I feel ridiculous asking this as I'm a college graduate and I feel as though I should know better.

Well, I am not a scientist, but I am someone who is deeply afraid of fecal contamination. And? And even so, I do not think you should worry about this quote-unquote air poop. Because in all likelihood, you have two layers between you and the air poop, your underwear, whatever shorts you are wearing. What if you're in the bath? Well, then you have a water protective layer. That's why I don't take showers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Probably not. I just think that this is a,

you know what just occurred to me, Hank? It's true that we talk about death a lot on this podcast, but we might talk about poop more. It's possible. We haven't talked about death a single time. This episode and poop has come up at least twice. Now I've been thinking about it, death I mean, but also poop. They're not totally unrelated.

You know that dead bodies can poop. Great, that's great. Thank you for that. I'm feel that my life has gotten better for knowing that. Back in the beginning of the space program, they worried that humans would create enough hydrogen and methane to sort of increase the likelihood of there being fires in space missions, but that turned out to not be too much of a concern. There are toxic compounds in our poop.

Methane is somewhat toxic, but not nearly as toxic as hydrogen sulfide, which is also in our poop, our farts, and in our poop. But hydrogen sulfide is very dangerousarts, and in our poop. But hydrogen sulfide is very dangerous compound, even in very low quantities. We can smell it very easily, which is why if you smell a fart that smells really rotten eggy, that means there's probably a small amount of hydrogen sulfide in there. But we don't, it would be impossible to have enough hydrogen sulfide in a fart to cause

a toxic reaction without you just running as fast as you can away, which does make me a little concerned about astronauts because there's nowhere you can run to, and they do have to have air scrubbers to purify the air and to sort of always be circulating new air into the space station because it can get stinky in there. But it would be way more stinky. It would be way, it would be, it would be, before it got dangerous, it would be so stinky that anybody would just, would run away anyway. But you should, you don't have to worry about like the traditional

dangers of poop, which is the bacteria, which are way too large to be aerosolized. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle. John, I'm really proud of myself for having talked this long about poop, Farts. Air poop. I mean, you just kept going. You're clearly trying to make this another episode of the podcast where you talk more than I do.

Madison, long story short, you have nothing to worry about. Your partner is totally wrong about air poop. Let's move on to another question. This one is from Alice who writes, dear John in Hank, I've been watching vlog brothers since I was in middle school and I'm now finishing my second year at UC San Diego. Wow. Thank you for sticking with us all those years, Alice. I want to get some dubious advice about decreasing world suck. I'm a global health major, and I often struggle with how to make an impact when I feel like I'm unequipped to be useful to people in need.

How do you recommend approaching helping in a way that is respectful and actually useful? And also, how do you pick one problem in health or in other fields to work on when it seems there are so many ways to improve the world at so many levels and in so many disciplines. I think that's a great question, Hank. And the first thing that I would say, and this is a mistake that I feel like many of us

make in the rich world that we've been making for a long time when it comes to addressing poverty and global health, which is that I think it's incredibly important to listen, to listen to what people, you know, people living in poor communities know much, much more about the health problems in their communities than we do. And when we come in and try to establish our ideas about health and our solutions, a lot of times that becomes either ineffective or counterproductive. Yeah. And John knows a lot more about this sort of thing than I do. The other thing I'd say is when you're trying to pick, I feel like picking things can be very

difficult when you're trying to decide what kind of work you're gonna do and you have a lot of options. Sometimes the best thing is just to pick. You're doing good work no matter what. And I find that oftentimes it can be a little paralyzing to have too many choices and And I solve that problem by not choosing and basically doing a mental dart throw. Yeah, I don't think that's a bad idea actually. I also find like multiple choices to be very overwhelming. So listen to people around you,

the problems that they find interesting, the problems that they think are solvable and then I think listen to people in the communities you want to help about what they think their biggest problems are, and go from there. But I do agree that in general it's good to just kind of get started, and then you learn as you go along and you go down many wrong paths and you have many wrong directions, but at least you're on the path, you know? Absolutely.

We have another question. This is from Puck, from the Netherlands. Dear Hank and John, my sister just sent me an adorable DFTBA French Lama toy thingy, but I've only been a nerd fighter for about a year, so my question is, where did this French Lama come from? I tried looking for the video where you explain it, but y'all have made too many videos. This is a positive thing. I love your videos.

So can you please explain the story of the Lama before me and my sister buy them? Thank you. You are great. Thanks for giving us an opportunity to talk about our new Lama toy. Ha ha ha ha. Puck, you know how to ensure that your question

gets on the podcast. Our new Lama toys available now at dftba.com. Along with lots of deerhank and John merchandise and other things, active wear, bobble heads, lots of stuff. Lots of stuff. This episode is also brought to you by AirPoop, whether it's coming from the butt of a bird

and falling into your eyeball because you were looking to the sky for omens or flying out of your butt at maximum speed, air poop, always there to be good luck, maybe? Hahaha. I feel like I did a really good job with that one, John. It was in bad. Today's podcast is also brought to you by Water,

Water, an unappreciated accompaniment to food The day's podcast is additionally brought to you by your top eight on my space check it Before you wreck it That's terrible. I don't that isn't funny and it didn't make any sense Although I guess if it isn't funny why am I laughing? So, although I guess if it isn't funny, why am I laughing? And by it, I mean your relationship with your brother who is not on your top 8 on my test. There.

That still isn't funny, but I'm still laughing. And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by death. It hasn't been mentioned on today's podcast, so I thought I should squeeze it in here. Yes, death, of course. Do we want to give back to the Lama question? Because we got a little distracted, John. Yes.

So the story of French the Lama, it's so complicated that I can't even really tell it. Maybe Hank can tell it, but I don't really remember it. It was invented by Kristen, who is a longtime nerd fighter during the project for Awesome in either 2007 or 2008. And basically it is an exclamation of joy. Like French the Lama, AFC Wimbledon are a third-tier English football team, would be an example of how to use French the Lama.

And over the years, I have been trying to make it into a thing, like making it into an expression that lots of people use. The way that one character did with Fetch in the movie Mean Girls. And just like Fetch, it hasn't happened yet, but I still believe that it might happen. Still working on it. Yeah, a problem with French Therâme is that it's internet shortening FTL already has several different meanings,

including For the Lose, which is the opposite of for the win, and faster than light, which is more of a science fiction abbreviation than a internet one. But, but I am supportive of John's quest, even if I don't personally share it. Mmm, no, I appreciate that. So yeah, you can go to dftb.com, get lots of good things, including those llama toys, if you are interested. Hank, let's answer a couple more questions

before we get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. This question comes from Kate, who writes, dear John and Hank, my mother is interesting. I love to follow the rules like one day about two years ago we were on a vacation up in the mountains of North Carolina and we came across an abandoned theme park of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. There was a fence around it and on the gate a no-tress passing sign so of course I wanted

to follow this but my mother insisted we break in and see what it was like. It ended up being a very fond memory. My question is, do you think it was wrong that we break in and see what it was like? It ended up being a very fond memory. My question is, do you think it was wrong that we broke in? I still feel guilty over it, but the gate wasn't even locked and other people were wandering around the abandoned park. Hank, what do you think on this one?

I am delighted that this is the interaction, that the mother is like, let's break some rules. And the child is like, we must follow the rules. It used to be the opposite, I feel like. I think that it's fine to break the rules sometimes, especially if the gate isn't locked. And then maybe you're putting up the no trust passing sign purely as a way to, you know,

eliminate any liability to say, we said don't go in, and they went in, and then they got hit by a thing that fell out of a tree. But... Bird poop. Maybe I've just been bird poop. Very dangerous bird poop. I...

That is if it gets in your eye. I... I think it's great. I... It sounds fun to me. I did just recently, you know, enter a no-trest passing area for the purposes of urban exploring myself.

And I know that you have done that as well, John. Yeah, where did you go? It was not so much urban exploring as abandoned office park in the desert exploring. It's called the Domes in Arizona and it was this incomplete, like, weird office building that some tech company tried to create, but then it never got moved into. And now it's just these weird space-like structures that are very cool and off the highway. And

I really enjoyed visiting them. You can see a little bit of it in my second to most recent vlog-breathers video. Yeah, I also enjoy urban exploring, although I am somewhat troubled by the ethics of it and try to remain on the right side of the ethics of it whenever possible. I did break into an abandoned theme park in Germany once and it was awesome. So great.

It wasn't really breaking and it was a similar situation where I just opened an unlocked gate, but it was so great. It wasn't really breaking, and it was a similar situation where I just opened an unlocked gate. Um, but it was very, very cool. And I ended up making the 999th Vlogbrothers video there. So we're probably the wrong people to consult on this particular topic, because we're probably more like your mom. But in any case, I just don't think that you should feel guilty about it. I think you've just got to let it go and enjoy the fond part of the memories.

And then, you know, the next time you have a chance to break into an abandoned theme park, you'll have to make that decision anew. Yeah. I don't know, like, John and I have, I think, different perspectives on rule breaking. I generally tend to think it's okay

as long as you're not hurting anybody or yourself. Well, I mean, I like rules. Yeah, there's a certain, like societal structure that giving sanctity to the rules gates, and that is a sort of greater good. And that's sort of, I feel like that's your perspective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in favor of preserving the rule of law. And I think paying attention to the rules does that even when the rules are maybe not the best rules.

That said, there are obviously rules that need to change. And civil disobedience breaking those rules on purpose is a very important strategy for changing them. So I don't want to, you know, it's do away with all rule breaking. I just think in general, I do, I am very fond of structure and order. Yes. Says the person who was benefited greatly from the current structure and order. No, admittedly. But I was more thinking about just like personally,

like people with OCD tend to have or create very structured lives. I wasn't thinking about like the larger systems of structure, which are in many cases profoundly unjust. And I do try to be aware of that. Hank, let's get to one more question. All right, this one's from Phil who asks, dear Hank and John, about a year ago,

I opened my kitchen drawer to take out the can opener and open a can of soup, but what I held it in my hand to open the can, it felt all wrong. I looked at it questioningly, and while it superficially looked like the same can opener, there were elements of it that I didn't recognize. The handle was slightly of the wrong shape,

the weight was a couple of ounces off, and it was more stiff to use. I mentioned this to my wife, and she maintains that it is the same can opener we've always had. I love my wife, and I trust her not to lie to me about the existential state of our kitchen implements. But, is it more likely that she bought a new can opener and didn't tell me, or that I am now not residing in the same universe as the can opener I have used for much of my adult life. How can I tell? Phil. Phil. I'm going to tell you the God's on his truth about this.

You have to let it go. If you don't let it go, it will take over your life. It will become the consuming question of your life and on your deathbed, you will look up at whomever you are dying in the presence of, which will likely not be your wife because you will have left you because this thing is going to become so consuming in your life. And you will say, it wasn't the same can opener. And then you will be just as dead as you would always have been. Is it possible that you live in a multiverse that was like twisted around this one particular can opener? Yes.

Is it likely? Yes. But you have to let it go or it's going to consume you. Oh man. I just I I want to know what relationship Phil has with his wife that he's like, but you're lying to me about the can opener. I trust my spouse, but she has been known to lie about replacing kitchen and problems. I do trust her very much, but I, I think someone broke into your house and swapped out can opener.

Yeah, I think it's totally possible that you had that's maybe what you should just decide happen just for your own, just for your own ability to navigate the universe as if it were a static thing. You need to decide that somebody broke into your house, switched out the can opener to freak you out, and that's the way it went down. I had a related thing happen to me, one tank, where I went out into the parking lot of my apartment building in Chicago, and my car wasn't there. And so I called the police as you do when your car has been stolen, and the police called me back, and they said, your car is half a block away. You just forgot where you left it.

This happens all the time. And I was like, no, no, I didn't. I parked in the parking lot. I am quite positive. There's no reason why I wouldn't have parked in the parking lot. But there indeed was my car half a block away. And I have, well, obviously I haven't let it go,

but I've been trying to let it go for the last 15 years because the other possibilities are all unacceptable to me. I'm going to tell you just a little story before we get to the news from Mars and ABC, Wimmelden, which is related. I once had my bike stolen and I was frustrated and, you know, they got a new bike and just dealt with it and I didn't even call the cops

because it wasn't a nice bike or anything. And then later, downtown, I saw my bike locked to a bike rack with my lock. Wow. And I unlocked it using my code and biked it away because indeed my bike had not been stolen and I had just forgotten that I left it. Or that is the moment that you disconnected

from the universe that you had always known up until that moment. One of those two things happened. Possibly. Possibly. One of those two things happened. Before we get any further down this rabbit hole I'm'm going to need to move on to the news from Mars and the AFC Wimbledon. Hank, what is the news from Mars? Well, John, as you may remember, back in early days of the podcast, we tried to figure out how much it would cost to get AFC Wimbledon and a competing team. Let's just say Steve Inidge. Two Mars.

So just kidding, we don't play Steve and Ich next season. All right, then one of the other sports teams, two Mars to play a game on the surface of Mars. Now taking out of consideration, the fact that you would need to build an airtight stadium and food and everything, we did some calculations, tried to figure it out.

We no longer have to do those calculations, John, because SpaceX has just released a deal, a term sheet, basically, just a cost, like just a list of costs that tell you how much it costs to send things to places. And you can send things to Mars for as little as $62 million. All you have to do is give $62 million to SpaceX

and they can send up to 8,860 pounds of stuff to Mars. If you want to send up to 29,000 pounds of stuff to Mars, that will only cost you $90 million. That's a bargain bargain rate that requires the Falcon Heavy rocket instead of the Falcon 9 rocket. And yeah, so I think with 29,000 pounds, 30 tons of stuff we could definitely get two football teams to Mars. And that's a mere $90 million, John.

That's all. Well, it's very rare that I get to correct you about something, but 29,000 pounds is not 30 tons. Oh, yeah, you're right. It's true, though. We could get two teams with 14,000, with 14.5 tons. I'm pretty sure that we could get two teams to Mars

unless they were all composed of autobiography, Aconfenwa. Then, unfortunately, it would be impossible. Yes. The craziest moment of the League 2 playoff final was, Oconfenwa came on in about the 75th minute. He just causes so many problems for teams that are trying to figure out how to defend him. And there was this crazy moment right at the beginning of stoppage time where Oken Fenwa was just standing still and he was about to, the ball was passed to

him and so someone ran toward him in an attempt to win the ball. They ran into Oken Fenwa and they were knocked unconscious. Oken Fenwa didn't do anything like he just all he did was stand, and he was called for a foul, and he was like, what did I do? And then he looked down and he was like, oh, well, that's unfortunate, but all I did was stand.

Um, and like, a stretcher had to come on and stretcher off this poor soul from Plymouth who'd made the terrible mistake of running into a space currently occupied by autobioloccan Fenwa. It was just, it was an amazing moment and it brings me to the news from AFC Wimbledon, very, very sad news, Hank.

There's the immensely good news that Wimbledon in a stunning turn of events are going from having the smallest stadium in league two to having the smallest stadium in league one. But along the way, too, having the smallest stadium in League 1. But along the way, three players have been released by AFC Wimbledon. And this is a weird thing that happens in football. In fact, in the interview, immediately after the game,

autobioccon Fenwa, Hawariously, and beautifully said, I'm going to be released tomorrow. So any managers who are interested in my services, please hit me up on WhatsApp. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He hugged the manager Neil Ardley and said, can you believe this guy is releasing me? But it's true, AFC Wimbledon will be playing in the third tier without the services of autobiocconfenwa. Callum Kennedy, who's been immense for Wimbledon, was also released, which the difficult,

you know, it's a difficult thing. It happens after every difficult, you know, it's a difficult thing. It happens after every season, I guess, but it just makes me, you know, it's sad in the wake of something like this. That said, also Sean Rigg has been released as well. That said, you know, they do this as quickly after the end of the season as possible to give those people, hopefully, plenty of time to find jobs. And I know that I will follow all three of those players, but especially Aachen Fenwa, wherever they go from here because they've just been such an important part of this amazing AFC

Wimbledon season. And an Aachen Fenwa case, I mean, really, I don't think that Wimbledon would have been promoted without him. So he's an amazing player, but he's moving on to other opportunities. Why did they release him? I don't understand how it works. Well, because he's mostly played as a substitute. And I think he's at a point in his career

where he wants to be playing for full games. And the wild tailor and Tom Elliott have just been preferred by the manager over the last Taylor and Tom Elliott have just been, you know, sort of preferred by the manager over the last season and a half. So I think, you know, it's probably the right thing for him as well, but it's just, it's inherently difficult. It's just part of, it's part of soccer, I guess, but I mean, that guy is gonna be a legend at Wimbledon

for as long as people are singing songs at AFC Wimbledon, they'll be singing about Aachen Fenwa. So that's the news, but the good news is that we are not playing Stevenage next season. Instead we're playing teams like Bolton Launderers, Swindon Town, and of course most astonishingly, the franchise currently playing in Milton Keynes, Hank, the team that moved to Milton Keynes will be playing AFC Wimbledon. There'll be in the same league next season. Like that.

Which I think says everything that needs to be said about whether it was in the wider interests of football to have a team in Wimbledon. the English FA in 2002 said that it wasn't in 2017. I think we will be able to agree that it was. All right, John. We have a couple of quick comments from people. Many people had comments about floppy disks. Sophie said that her dad works at a newspaper when the FBI gives them data. They give it to them on floppy disks. And Jenna also works at a law from a New Zealand

and says that business people sometimes prefer floppy disks because they're less likely to get malware on them. And Martino has a brother who once showed a middle school students a floppy disk and they thought that he had 3D printed a save icon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Also Alex writes, dear John and Hank, my name is Ryan in the most recent podcast. Hank said this episode is brought to you by floppy disks. You may want to know that your 54.69 megabyte podcast would be brought to you by 38.3.5 inch floppy disks. Oh man, I remember those days when you used to have to have like seven floppy disks to play one game of King's Quest or whatever.

I remember it as well. Uh, thank you for joining me on this podcast, John. What did we learn today? Well, we learned never to look at the sky no matter what the circumstances. We learned that gravy boats sail on the ocean of your dining room table. We learned to delete your old social media profiles quickly before you forget the password. And we learned that pre-school teachers are awesome. We already knew that, but I guess we re-learned it. Right. Thank you everybody for listening to this episode of Dear Hank and John.

It's a pleasure as always to have you listening to our dumb voices. If you want to support our podcast again you can go to patreon.com slash Dear Hank and john. You can also find lots of cool stuff there. I think we're going to put Molly Lewis's song about my space up there as well as links to our my space profiles so that you can live what our lives were like back in 2006. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our intern is Claudio Morales.

We get lots of help with questions from Rosiana Halls Rojas. Our theme music is by Gunnarola and as we say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪