Dear Hank & John - 52: We Are in This Together

Episode Date: June 21, 2016

Will my laptop sterilize me? Do you like (or write) fanfiction? Where is the rest of the lizard whose tail I found in my room? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Norse, I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother John, that's that other person talking, will answer your questions, give you to be his advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hey John, how are you doing? Not great! It's been a terrible week, Hank, as you know, here in the United States. It's just been a really hard, difficult, painful week,

I think, for everyone. Yes. And I'm sure that we will talk about that in the midst of our podcast question, several of which have to do with that. But first, do you have a short poem for us? I do, among the many terrible things that happens, since the last time we recorded the podcast is that the great Muhammad Ali died

The greatest boxer of all time who wrote this little poem float like a butterfly Sting like a bee the hands can't hit with the eyes can't see My huge Muhammad Ali fan Hank is great writer, great off the cuff poet, like the first great free styleer, just a massive Muhammad Ali fan. The world is poor without him. You, and that's not, that's not make it it up. I remember you being a huge Muhammad Ali fan when I was a kid, and always thinking that was, and not a really understanding it. Well, I think I've always been attracted to his poetry, but also there's a certain poetry about the way that he boxed.

He's a complicated person, but then again, most of us are. And I was a huge fan of his and very, very sorry for his loss. All right, John, let's do some questions. So start off with one from Katie who asks, do you hear Hank and John? My friends and I started an all-girl rock band, I'm the drummer. But we're really new to this whole rock band thing. Do you have any wisdom to share about being in a band?

You answer this, John, you spend a lot of time in bands? I've never been in a band. Hank's been in a band his whole life, and I've never been in a band. Hank's been in a band his whole life, and I've always been jealous. I've always wanted to be a rock and roll star. I've always wanted to like feel the energy of an audience, like singing back the lyrics to me.

I've always wanted that. Tragically, I am unable to play any musical instrument, even remotely competently. Like, I can't even play bass well enough to get into Hank Green and the perfect strangers and I can't sing on key. So, I've just, I've had to spend my whole life on the outside looking in at the rock band world,

desperately jealous of my brother. So, Hank, tell Katie how to be in a rock band, travel the country, have people who love you. Oh God, crowd surf. I'm so jealous. You've crowd-surfed. I have three corrections now. First, you have crowd-surfed. Second, I have not been an A band my whole life, though I did spend quite a lot of time in high school in the band meaning the marching band and third I think Paul de George is going to be very upset to hear you say that you don't have enough talent to even be the bass player Because bass players have very important jobs and very difficult jobs and are our artists like any other artist

people dissing on bass players all the time anyway I are artists like any other artist, people dissing on bass players all the time anyway. I don't even, Hank, I can't even tell you if that's true or not. That's how little I know about bass playing. I don't even know if what I said was offensive. Okay. So yeah, the thing about being in a band

that I have discovered is, and I got into this old, much older than the average person in a band, it's all about being friends. And if there isn't that, then none of it is worth it. If it is about having a good time. And if you are in a band that is even remotely successful, you will be spending a huge amount of time with these people in uncomfortable situations, stuffed into a small space very close by them. And if you cannot figure out really great ways to have really great personal relationships with the people, then it's all for not. And so that's really what it's about. And that is a tremendous life skill, figuring out how to

have a group of people who can do something together, who can accomplish things together, and not get on each other's nerves. Or when you do get on each other's nerves, do your best to take care of it immediately. And that is something that, you know, I've learned from my bandmates who have been in more bands than me and for longer, is that when you're on the road, especially things start getting at all tense. You immediately have to recognize it and deal with it. And that, I think, is actually a really great life skill. That has nothing to do really with music and everything to do with just any collaborative project.

And I'm thankful to them for helping you learn those skills and that lesson. That's great, Hank. It made me even more jealous. Now I desperately want to be in your band. I can't even play the tambourine. I'm hopeless. But we do have another question, Hank. It comes from Candler, who asks, Dear John and Hank, I am a cat. Wait, what? Nope. Nope. Nope we do have another question. It comes from Candler who asks, Dear John and Hank, I am a cat. Wait, what? Nope, nope, nope.

I have a cat. Oh, that's the... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But rather, has a cat. I have a cat. And this afternoon, I found a lizard tail on my bedroom floor, Sans Lizard. Given that this cat does not go outside, this can only mean one thing. The lizard was already inside and still remains in one of the deep, dark corners of the room where I plan to sleep. How do you suggest I cope with my fear that this tailless reptilian will end up on my face during the night? Well, first off, good news, Candler.

You're not a cat. No, that's a huge development. A second, secondly, potentially. The wizard is already dead. Yes. Well, not necessarily. No, the cat ate the wizard, Hank. The wizard is probably inside of the cat.

Yeah, no. At this point, the wizard is inside of the litter box, having been pooped out by the cat. Yeah, no. At this point, the lizard is inside of the litter box, having been pooped out by the cat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No. There is a lizard in your house who is a, who is, has no interest in you at all, and will never, ever do anything unpleasant to you. That's true. Though, don't worry about it either way. But there is an underlying fear that I can relate to, as I can relate to most underlying fears,

which is that when things from outside appear inside, it is very stressful for some people, including me. Like, I have no problem with mice when they are outside. I have no problem with bats when they are outside. Almost no animal properly scares me when it is in its appropriate place, which is outdoors. But almost every non-pet animal terrifies me indoors.

Like, if I see a mouse outside, I'm like, oh, it's a mouse. If I see a mouse inside, it is a level one emergency. I relate to this, and I think that there is something psychological about it, about sort of how we have decided our enclosed spaces should be and when that is violated, it feels like a personal violation.

But I definitely think that there are animals who I would be terrified to be nearby, aane or outside, and a number of them. Certainly not most animals, but I don't know a mountain lion, an alligator, a hippopotamus, a bison, a moose. Well, yeah. Let me just tell you Hank, here in Indianapolis, the number of like outdoor hippopotamus attacks

is very low. Well, I hope the number, I hope the number of indoor hippopotamus attacks is also very low. Very low, it's very near zero. Hank, did I ever tell you about the rhino that escaped from the zoo in Central Europe? No. Before I tell the story,

I just wanna acknowledge that this is what Bill Clinton once called a high class problem. And I understand that. But, as I may have mentioned on the podcast before Hank, there is nothing that I have ever done in my life that I found as horrible as a press junket, which are these days when you sit for 12 or 14 hours in a place and every six minutes a reporter comes in and they ask you the exact same questions and then they leave and one minute later a different reporter

comes in and asks you questions for six minutes only it's the same questions all day long. And I found it intensely stressful and terrifying and unpleasant. And Nat Wolfe and I were in these press junkets together on both the fault in our stars and paper towns movies. And during the paper towns press junkets, people started like testing whether or not we were properly friends with each other by like quizzing us about each other.

And a lot of times people would say, what's your favorite animal or what's your spirit animal or whatever. And we would have to like write down our answers separate from each other and then show them. And at the time, a hippopotamus or possibly a rhinoceros had just escaped from a zoo in Prague, I think. And so whenever we were asked that question, we would both answer a rhinoceros

recently escaped from a zoo in Prague. And people would be very impressed at how well we knew each other. I was wondering how that was gonna get around back to the question, which was that there's a lizard in this person's house. But we got two animals at least. As I was telling that story, Hank,

I realized that it's one of those stories that is mostly funny to Nat Wolfen myself. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, hopefully he's a listener of the pod. But at the very least, it was fun for you. No, I think I think listeners of the podcast are like, why didn't editor Nick cut that out of the pod? Yeah, well, he doesn't do anything.

We require him to sometimes do things that are not the best for the podcast because it's the best for us. And who matters in the end? But John. So true. That's true. But by the way, Nick, feel free to cut all of this. So what was the point? The point was that I'm not afraid of hippopotamai or rhinoceride because there are none of them outside an Indianapolis. Outside animals are fine. Inside animals are terrifying and I think that speaks to our kind of collective obsession with the sterilization of the world and especially like doors and a feeling that nature rather than

being something we are part of is kind of a contaminant. All right, well, yes. Okay. We, surprisingly, deep place where you ended up there, John. I've got another question. It's from Ray, who asks, dear Hank and John, My aged professor, thanks for putting that in their Ray, is always telling off her students, namely me,

for putting our laptops on our laps instead of on a table, she's adamant in her belief that doing so is, quote, killing our genitals. I know that she is wrong because my genitals have not yet succumbed to the sweet embrace of inescapable death. However, could she be correct in thinking that continuously having my laptop on my lap is going to make me less fertile in some way? Is the heat damaging my reproductive organs? Are my gametes dying? Why is a- why is it called a laptop?

If you're not meant to put it on your lap? Well, Ray, I can only speak from personal experience. I have two children, and I have had my laptop on my lap since 1991. I've gotta read to you from the snopes.com article right now, John. A 2004 study from the State University of New York at Stony Brook involving 29 men ranging in age

from 21 to 35 years old, found that fellows who used laptop computers rested on their laps for an hour raised their scroedle temperatures by as much as five degrees Fahrenheit. Since other studies have demonstrated links between temperature increases and significant reductions in sperm production, the SUNY study concluded long-term use of laptops by teenage boys and men could be reproductively damaging. Could be. The snopes article calls it undetermined. So, you know, maybe if you're trying at the moment to make a baby, then don't do that, but I think that it's probably not a huge deal. I mean, also do not use this for birth control.

Now I'm worried, although I'm not worried at all because I have no desire to have anymore children. So if anything, I need to keep my laptop on my laptop all times. But as I screamed earlier, do not use this for birth control. When I was in high school, there was a myth going around that yellow number five, the dye that they used in Mountain Dew,

would reduce people's sperm counts. And I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that some people said, well good enough for me, I'm not trying to make it a girl pregnant anyway. And that translated into drink lots of Mountain Dew and you can't get a girl pregnant, which is not a true thing,

not an effective method of birth control. Don't do that. That's not an effective method of birth control. I can, do that. I'm not an effective method of birth control. I can, yes, yes. Just as a follow-up. Just pro tip, who is also an occasional mountain dew drinker, I can confirm. All right, I think this question comes from Gabe who writes, Dear John and Hank, every few weeks there's a high profile news story of some horrible injustice

being committed. I'm a college student and I feel like there's very little I can do other than tweet my outrage, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't help much. Is there anything I can do that makes a real difference? Well, that is a big and difficult and very complicated question. And one that I'm sure our advice on will be exceptionally dubious. Yeah. The first thing that I want to say though, Hank, is that it feels, at least to me, right now, in American life, like life is getting much, much worse. But in fact, that is not the case, at least not in any kind of straightforward way.

And I want to underscore that because I don't want people to feel hopeless. 10 years ago, it was impossible if you wanted to marry someone of your sex to get married. The murder rate in the United States is much lower than it was 15 years ago or 30 years ago or 40 years ago. More people have health insurance. Help me out, Hank. What are other things that are getting better? People live longer, healthier lives. Around the world, infant mortality has declined more in the last 20 years than in any 20 year period

in human history. Yeah, I mean, even something as simple as like divorce rates going down indicates like an increase in stability of, you know, that we would never have that that seems kind of like, oh, that's not how it is. Of course, divorce rates are going up, but in fact, they aren't, and fewer people are getting divorce now than they used to, because there's more stability in families, and that's great. So the, yes, that is a good place to start, that it's not hopeless and people are working

hard to make the world better. And that is a thing that has been going on for 200,000 years and continues right now. And that's really hard to identify. And yes, some weeks are much worse than others and and make us and have these huge and we'll leave scars on our nation forever and we will never never feel the same way that we did before this weekend. I that's how I feel like I feel like that this will this is going to be one of those moments that changes me. Not just what happened, not just the assault at Pulse in Orlando, but also the death of Christina Grimmy,

who was murdered at a post-show signing, which is a thing that I just did for two weeks in a row over and over again every night, and loved doing and had a wonderful time doing. And that is a tremendous know a tremendous like has an outsized impact on me personally because you know I knew her and and because that's what we do. That's like our thing and feels very very real and very yeah. Anyway the Hannah Heart made a video this week that I think answers this question fairly

well, which is that of course we can do things. We are lucky enough to live in a country where the way that the country is run is directly informed by the people of the country. And it can feel, I think, especially to young people who see the way that the country's been going and the way that things currently function, that there isn't a lot of ways to get yourself into that process and affect it. But I think the faster and the more dedicated you can be to doing that and potentially not just being angry at the current state of things, but actually trying to get into how the current state of things works and to affect it from the inside

the better. So the younger you can do that the better because not only will it be tools that you are building for the future, but also that kind of, that kind of, you know, a perspective that young people, only young people can have, which is that this is unacceptable and we cannot let the world continue this way, which is just much more common when you are sort of first understanding, you know, how, like the problems that the world faces, rather than like someone, maybe maybe my age who has seen good things happen and has and is like, oh, well, this is pretty good compared to how it was when I was a kid.

You know, that that that drive, I think is, is more more likely to be to come from from the younger generation and I very much want that passion and energy to have the tools that people who have an established connection in the world of politics to utilize those same tools. And those tools really are organizing and connecting with your representatives in ways that they understand, which is not angry tweets. Right. necessarily, though in the future, it will be more angry tweets than it is now. We'll have an effect. But that way is organizing groups of people together, talking to the staffers of the people who represent you, voting in ways that make those people know that you are an important voting block and that your opinions do matter and that they understand that this group of people, this connected group of people, can affect the outcome

of an election. And those are the things that change this country. And it can seem dirty and gross sometimes to even be interacting with a system that you see has supported injustice for decades. But injustice and bad policy. But that's how change happens, and that is how it has happened for the entire history of America. And we have done, we have made this country better, and we have made this world better.

We have made bad decisions, but we have made, I think, more good decisions than bad. Yeah, I certainly think the United States is a freer and fairer place than it was when it was formed. I want to underscore something that Hank said, I think it's incredibly important to reach out to your representatives, both your Congress people, your senators, but also your local representatives. Let them know

the issues that matter to you. I know it is hard. It is hard to call strangers, especially hard to call strangers who seem to be powerful people who are separate from you and distant from you. But it's so important. They don't listen to Twitter the same way they listen to phone calls. That's why so much political organization revolves around calling representatives. I also think it's incredibly important to vote, not just in presidential elections, not just to focus on who's the president of the United States,

but to focus on who's your state senator, who's your state rep, who are your city and county council people, because those people have an outsize say in what actually happens in the US, from choosing the districts, the shapes of the districts that you vote in. So in essence, choosing the party of the representative you're going to have for US Congress, but also in many, many other ways. I think it's incredibly important. And I think sometimes with our focus on national politics, we lose that focus on local politics

that makes a big difference in the everyday lives of people. Write down to something like protecting LGBT people from discrimination. In the state that I live in Indiana, there is no statewide protection for LGBT people. There is no law that says that you can't fire someone for being gay. That's ludicrous, right?

And that's not something that we're going to be able to fix nationally. It's something that we have to fix in Indiana. And we fix that by making the case to our local representatives, that this is unacceptable, that this is part of a larger pattern of discrimination and violence that goes back to the very beginning of the history of the United States and its relationship with LGBT people. So I think that stuff is incredibly important. Yeah. And it can be overwhelming at first.

But to me, it's kind of like an assignment in being a citizen of your country, wherever you are, if you live in a democratic place that like you like this is it's not a requirement but it is like if you don't like the way things are violent overthrow of the government is not going to happen and even if it could it would be a idea. And so if you want things to change, you have to learn how to make them change. And that is a process. And it involves doing things that are uncomfortable. I remember the first time I called a representative on the phone. I left a message.

And I was like sweating. And I was like, it's an intense and kind of difficult thing, which is I think that is part of why it is weighed more heavily by the people at those offices and by the politicians themselves, because they know that a tweet is easy, but a phone call is hard. And so when people care enough to call, that's when they know that an issue is becoming more important. So that is like because it is hard, is the reason why it matters more in some ways. It's also because, of course, these people are

often older and also bureaucracies tend to change more slowly than the rest of the world. So yeah, there are absolutely things you can do. And by virtue of living in the developed world, you are a powerful person. And you are far more powerful than the average person on earth. And that is kind of scary sometimes. But it is a real thing and it can seem not real. But it only seems not real because we're sort of caught up in the middle of it and feel sort of like we're being washed over by this giant

wave of crap. So yes, thank you for the great question and sorry that John and I talked for a real long time about it. I do want to say one more thing actually. Okay. I wanna underscore that we have big and real problems in the United States on a lot of different topics and that real people's lives are negatively, deeply negatively affected by those real problems.

Some of them are policy problems, some of them are social problems. We have, policy problems, some of them are social problems. We have, you know, some of them are a complicated mix. I do think that one other thing we can do is we can try to model better discourse. We can try to do a better job on an individual level of listening to people, of listening to people we disagree with,

of not shouting them down, of not trying to prove them wrong, but of trying to find ways to work together, to understand each other, to feel that we are in this together because we deeply are, and to listen better. Because I don't think right now, in online discourse, and maybe you'll disagree with me Hank, but I do not think that we are doing a good job of listening to each other. And I think it is much to the harm of the overall quality of American life, both political

life and social life. I do not disagree with you. Let me tell you. And I, but I also have to say that I also do that. And I know that you do too. We all do it. it and me too I just did it a couple days ago I lost my temper and screamed at someone and I yeah and and you know what it did not change that person's belief system one bit I just did it recently as well on my last vlog but there's video I left a nasty comment to somebody who left a nasty comment and I was like that didn't

help anything it didn't work but it made me feel good for a moment. It gave me a tiny moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment.

A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment.

A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. A moment. another question. I'm tired of this. I'm getting distressed. Okay, this one is from Rachel who asks, Dear Hank and John, over the last year, I have consumed a lot of fan fiction and I get made fun of by my friends for it a lot.

A few of my friends have called fan fiction a bad thing, but I'm not sure I agree. While sometimes it can be weird, I feel like it allows people to get their voice out about what they're writing about and thinking about. What are your thoughts on fan fiction, reading and or writing? I'm strongly pro fan fiction. Yes, I have written a little bit of fan fiction myself and I very much enjoyed doing it

and I've read fan fiction and I very much enjoyed reading it. I think that it's a great tool for expressing passion and community and coalescing fandoms. And I also think it's a really great tool to help people learn how to write better and be better readers. And I, you know, it also enhances these great worlds that we want to spend more time in, but sometimes can't because there are no more Harry Potter books coming out. Yeah, I also really like fanfiction, and I have also written some of it, pseudonymously, in sort of as little breaks from my proper writing career, and I've found it very enjoyable. I don't want to tell you what my pseudonym is, Hank, but it's Ryan.

It's Ryan-Ryanson. Ryan-Ryanson, son of Ryan of Ryan father of Ryan uncle and cousin to Ryan I Really I've enjoyed my experiments with writing fan fiction and I love reading it I have to say I am so deeply Flattered when people write fan fiction about my books and I remember remember at one point, my publisher came to me and said, do you want to shut this down? Do you want to stop people from publishing this stuff?

And I was like, no, I want to send them, I want to send them thank you gifts and money. I think this is amazing. This is very good, this is good, good news. And every time anybody cares enough about my book to try to extend the world of it or to extend the characters of it, it's such a gift to me and I'm very grateful for it.

Then having said that, Hank, I would like to move on to a new question. This one is from Holly who writes, Dear John and Hank, one phrase has bothered me for years, but John using it in the last episode made me hope he could explain it to me. Why when someone is saying something, do they begin it with quote unquote?

Shouldn't it be quote whatever they are saying? Unquote. Why do people say unquote and others say end quote? Are both correct? Help me understand. Well, Holly, end quote is incorrect. Ah. And I know it's incorrect because I don't use it.

And the ultimate style guide is the style guide I was taught by my parents when I was born. We all know the real English style guide was formed in Orlando, Florida by Mike and Sydney Green in about 1982 to 1985. So just saying quote unquote and then you say the thing is just a way of saving time, right? Quote unquote and then you can kind of tell when the quote ends. So you don't have to say quote and then say the thing and then say unquote at the end of it. That would just be, that would be sort of weirder.

Well, I can never think of, I use quote unquote a lot, except I can't currently think of an example. Well, but why don't you just say quote? Like, I get it, there's also going to be an end of the quote someday, and it will be implied by the tone of your speech. So you just say, and Charles Darwin said, quote,

and then say what Charles Darwin said. Well, in that situation, I would say, Charles Darwin said quote, and et cetera. But when I say quote unquote, it's usually about one or two words that I feel are being misused, or I feel I want to separate somehow from my voice. I want to insert it into someone else's voice.

The way that I would use air quotes, right? So when I say quote unquote, I'm basically saying air quotes. Right, right, right. As for why I say it, again, I say it because that's how my parents taught me to talk when I was a child. And then as far as saying unquote versus end quote, is that an egg corn? I don't know.

All I know is that quote unquote is correct because I have decided that it is correct. I feel like end quote is a thing that happened because people thought that we'd be we're saying end quote when they were saying unquote. But in either case, it totally works, which is fine. And so that entering accepted language usage would be fine, but I love that this can be called an egg corn because it is a word that people misheard, but

the mishearing makes sense in that egg corn being what people thought. Someone was saying when they were saying egg corn, but they thought it was an egg corn being what people thought, someone was saying when they were saying acorn, but they thought it was an egg corn because it looked kind of like a kernel of corn but was hard and ovular like an egg. I think that we should start calling acorns, egg corns now that I've thought about it. Why do we call acorns acorns?

What a weird word. I don't know, but I have a more important thing to say, which is that the word oval either comes from the word ovum or the word ovum comes from the word oval. And I had never realized that until now. And now I want to know. Today's podcast is brought to you by the word ovum or possibly the word oval. We're not sure yet. It comes from the, indeed, comes from the, from the word egg. So it started with egg and then you went from Ega to Oval's shapes. So it turns out that today's podcast is brought to you by Ovums or Ova or Ovi. Not very good at my Latin.

Yeah, good, good, good, John. This podcast is also brought to you by Katie's Rock Band. Katie's Rock Band, they didn't tell me what the name of the band was, but hopefully they won't have a big fight about it when they are trying to establish it. Yeah, Hank, it occurs to me that maybe the number one piece of advice we could have given Katie about her rock band is that she needs to start doing a better job

of marketing her rock band by, for instance, including its name in her email to us. Yes, that would have helped. If anybody wants to help name Katie's rock band, you can leave that on Twitter, Twitter, hashtag dear Hank and John that's a great idea Hank we should name Katie's rock band yeah we did yeah we should you know you know you know you I already have I already have a name for it okay Occupado

what else is podcast brought to you by John today's podcast is also brought to you by Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew, not effective birth control as it turns out. And finally, this podcast is brought to you by the wiggling tale of the lizard that is now inside of Candler's litter box. Candler, a cat. Who's not a cat? Who's cat, Adelizard, and made its owner afraid of the lizard that

ate. That's the worst brought to you by that we've ever done. I think I think in the end though that sometimes we have to show our rough edges. Oh yeah God knows this podcast doesn't have enough rough edges. Great point. What we're really lacking around here is rough edges. I don't want it to get too polished, John. Oh, yeah, God forbid. All right, I got another question. This one's from last week's set, and I wanted to answer it. So I apologize, John.

This isn't in your document. It says, it's from Jackie who asks, Steer Hankajan, growing up, most of my friends were forced to learn a musical instrument by their parents or school. Our lives were much more regimented as children. If your mom said you had to practice, you just had to practice.

I never had that pressure to gain that skill, and I'm worried I'm at a disadvantage. My question is, do you have any dubious advice for those of us picking up a hobby who aren't between the ages of seven and 15? What do I do when I want to give up? And my parents aren't there to force me to practice. I actually started to play guitar when I was 24 years old

and I was, had never done it before. And here's the thing that it's all about. You have to get through a period of time when it is not fun. And in order to do that, you can either have a great deal of motivation and self-control, or you can pay a person to make you do it and to be disappointed in you if you don't,

which is what I did. His name was James, and he was my guitar guitar teacher and I took about six months of guitar lessons and it got me through the hard part until I could play some of my favorite songs and sing them and it was fun. So that, you know, if you can't afford that, then you got to get, you know, when I care in Cavitt's, you know, daily calendars where you gotta get, you wanna care in Cavitz, you know, daily calendars where you mark off that you did something every day

and you never let yourself not do it. And find other motivational techniques like that. But once you get through that initial process, you know, I'm still not like a virtuosic guitar player or anything, I can't even do any finger picking. I just play chords, but I have a really good time doing it, and that's what music is about. Isn't it also about being good, though?

It's about progressing, I think. I think that's part of the fun part of learning any skill, getting better, and that is a source of great joy. And I think that all people like like having something in your life that you are on the path to mastery, which of course is a thing that never happens does increase life satisfaction. And I think I would recommend it to anyone whether it's guitar or poetry or guitar or poetry or management. No, I absolutely agree that feeling like you're progressing at something you care about is a huge part

of having a high quality of life, at least for me. Like it's kind of the central thing. And when I feel like I'm not progressing at the things that I care about, I get very frustrated. So Hank, before we get to the news from Mars at AFC Wimbledon, I just want to read one response email that we got because it's absolutely fantastic.

In a recent podcast, you told the story about the time that your bike got stolen. Do you remember? Yes, I do. It did not, it did not in fact get stolen. It did not in fact get stolen. What in fact it happened to it? I had locked it up downtown and then walked home

and forgotten. Correct. So this is Emma's story. Four months. For several months, yes, this is Emma's story. Hank, exclamation point. While listening to your podcast, I got excited for about 30 seconds because of our almost identical stolen bike stories until you got to the part where you realized you had left it somewhere.

A month after my bike was stolen in real life, I found it chained to a pole next door to my house for sale. I just kind of let it happen because I felt like they must need money more than I needed the bike. I see it as kind of a win-win. They got some money, somebody else got a nice bike, and I got a story to tell. Emma Hanks is a better person than any of us. I mean, really? Oh man, you didn't even buy your own bike back. You could have been like, hey, yeah, I'd like to buy this bike, but can I get a bit of a discount

because of how it's mine? I mean, I give me 20% off. I don't like to nominate people for saying to it Hank. It's not in my nature, but I think that we should have a talk with Pope Benedict personal friend about possibly making Emma a saint. I don't know how well do you know Pope Benedict Hank? Not at all. Though I do know some people who have talked with him because several youtubers got to go and meet the Pope.

Yeah. Well, I have a cousin who is a Catholic priest, so the Pope and I are acquainted. Right, yes, that is how that works. I believe that is correct. Hank, is there any news from Mars this week? Oh, you know what, John, there is. You may be surprised to find out. So Elon Musk has provided some new details on his mission to Mars, his plans for how to get humans to Mars.

So the way that Mars works is it goes around the Sun, and so does Earth, which means that occasionally they are very far apart, because Mars will be on the other side of the Sun, and occasionally they are pretty close together. And that happens once every two years, that Mars and Earth get close enough to, like close together, so that makes it a much cheaper and quicker trip. So the next time that will happen is in 2018, so it's basically 2018, 2020, 2022, 2024.

Elon Musk wants to send his first unmanned spacecraft to Mars in 2018. It is as soon as that. My guess is that it will probably be 2020 because that is a very near target, but he wants to have it launched on a rocket that has never launched before called the Falcon Heavy, and it will be using the Dragon Space Ship, which would be the spacecraft, I should say, the heaviest thing to ever land on Mars by a factor of 10.

And the plan then thereafter would be that first mission would go in 2018 and then 2022, they would be sending more supply missions that would be like, these are things that people are going to use once they get there. So they're not even, there will be some science experiments going along with those things, some robotic experiments, but there will also be things that will aid human explorers as they get to the surface of Mars. And that would happen again in 2020 and 2022 with more missions that would have more payloads. And I think that his plan is that as soon as 2022, there would be humans, humans, colonists, in what he refers to as the Mars Colonial Transporter designed to bring people to Mars. Now, that seems outlandishly optimistic. But that is Elon Musk for you. It is very difficult to say how this effort would be funded. Of course,

his plan is to significantly decrease the cost that does not make it cheap. But I think that like on the inside estimate SpaceX's plan, Elon Musk's plan is to get, like I would think that if they have everything go very well, they could be actually sending human people to Mars by 2024. And he continues to outline this plan saying, the goal is not to have those people go and then come back and then have gone to Mars the way we did with the moon, but have the people go and come back but always be sending new people as well

and then establish a permanent station that would be always staffed on the surface of Mars. And he says, it is dangerous and people will probably die and they will know that and they will pave the way. And ultimately, it will be very safe to go to Mars and it will be very comfortable. But that will be many years in the future. Wow. I mean, is there a way that you and I can make a bet right now as to whether or not there will be any humans on Mars by 2024? Well, the launch will happen in 2024. So the land they would be landing in 2025.

I would not. You know what, I'll give you an extra year. I'll give you till 2026. I'll give you 10 years from today. Do you believe that there will be humans on Mars? Well, that's not how the Mars missions work. As we discussed previously, it's once every two years. So, it'll either be 2025 or 2027 or 2029. It will definitely not be 2026. But you just said that the idea is that there will be permanent staffing. Well, yes. So there would be some time. There would be people still there,

but it would not increase my chances if you gave me 2026 is what I'm saying. It wouldn't make it more likely. You'd have. All right, I'll give you 2027. All right, can you give me better than even odds? I will not give you better than even odds. I'm asking you to throw in your lot with Elon Musk

and believe that in 11 years, there will be a human. I will even say it's okay if the human is dead. A human alive or dead on Mars. Oh God. Well, I think we should let our listeners suggest the stakes. Okay, yes, the stakes do not have to be monetary. Please suggest the stakes stakes on Twitter, hashtag

dearhankinjon or on our Patreon Patreon.com slash dearhankinjon. Speaking of our Patreon Hank, there's this ridiculous picture of you that's circulating with the announcement of, you've just created a new nonprofit. Congratulations, the Internet Creators Guild. And it's going to be an organization that advocates for online creators and increases transparency in their business dealings and stuff. It's very exciting. But there's this picture of you that's circulating that I'm going to put on the Patreon and you look ridiculous. Oh, which one is it? It's the one where somehow you're at a conference and you've managed

to... Oh, God, you have that one. ...so that it's like you're wearing it as if it were a tiny Miss America sash. It's the most ludicrous picture of you I've ever seen. And if you want to go to the Patreon, you don't have to subscribe or anything. I'm just putting this up for the sheer joy of sharing Hank's ridiculousness with you. It's at patreon.com slash dear Hank and John.

Yeah, I mean, the very excited Hank, to find out whether or not there's gonna be a human on Mars by 2017, and indeed to have our listeners suggest stakes in this bet, it finally gives me something that I can get excited about, preventing humans from going to Mars by 2027. Oh, God. I've finally got a mission in life.

I've got to sabotage Elon Musk's mission. No, no. Yeah. I'm going to become the anti-Elon Musk. I'm going to start like advocating for decreasing the amount of funding we're spending on space. Who wants to go to space when we've got a great planet right here Can we can we call you like a Leon mush? Are you gonna the anti Elon Musk Leon mush? Oh, man, I'm starting a Twitter right now Twitter comm slash Leon Musk We're gonna do nothing but try to destroy Elon Musk's whole life so that I can prevent him from sending people to Mars and win some stupid bet with you. Okay, there is some news from

AFC Wimbleton this week. It's sad news. These days all the news seems to be sad. We're going up, Hank, it's the most improbable thing. We've had to submit a new description of the podcast to iTunes because we're now a third tier soccer team but not a fourth year soccer team but uh... today it was announced that uh... adeazze who um... has a striker uh... perhaps best known not just for his goals but for the song that uh... wimble in fans saying about him your defenses terrified as disease is on fire.

Ate-Azeez, it has been announced, is leaving AFC Wimbledon to sign for a Scottish team called Partic Thistle, that I once mistakenly called Patrick Thistle, and lots of people have given me crap about it over the years, but it's Partic Thistle. So Ate-Azeez is still a really young player, I think he's just 22, was a really important striker for AFC Wimbledon, but usually played off the bench. And I think it's headed to Partic Thistle because he wants to be a starter. So I wish him luck. We all wish him luck. He was a huge part of the Wimbledon season that led to promotion, but this is another loss, another player leaving, and we haven't yet heard word of many players coming in,

or any players coming in, actually. So it's a little bit scary, but I trust Neil Ardley, our beloved manager, and I'm sure that it will be fine, but that is the news from AFC Wimbledon. We are bidding a due to Adaisis. In fact, now Hank, we've lost both of our strikers named Audebio, Audebioac and Fenwa and Audebio Aziz. So everything is changing. That is the nature of life. By 2027, Wimbledon will be in the Premier League. How much money do we need to give them for them to get a bunch of people to replace the people? Awww. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I don't have that. Do you want to do a bet that AFC Wimbledon won't be in the Premier League in 2027? I think we will be in the Premier League in 2027. Absolutely. One more percent. Well, but yes. No doubt. Okay, so is there another bet here?

I mean, do you really want to bet against a team owned by its fans that had to reform in 2002 and had open trials on Wimbledon Common? You want to bet against that happening? You're a dark person, Hank Green. You just bet against humanity going to another planet. I'm just trying to bet against what I see as dangerous, ill-advised missions to Mars. I don't even actually believe that, but now I really want to win the bet.

So I'm just going to become like a hardcore, you know what Hank, I've heard actually that going to Mars can be bad for your sperm count just like putting a laptop on your lap. No, that is definitely true. It could very easily be bad for your sperm count and also all of your other counts. Oh boy, Hank, what did we learn today? We learned that if you're trying to have a baby, then putting a laptop on your lap is not necessarily the best idea, but if you're trying not to have a baby,

putting a laptop on your lap will not actually help you achieve that goal. We learn that the science is still out on putting a laptop on your lap. We also learn that Candler is not a cat. Nope, not a cat. Just a person with a cat. And we learn that John Green has a secret identity under which he writes fan fiction and that secret identity is Ryan, Ryan's, and Son of Ryan.

And of course, we learned that Elon Musk will not be going to Mars by 2027, not if Leon must has anything to say about it. Thanks to the efforts of Leon Musk. Well, I got to log out on my Twitter so I can get Twitter.com slash Leon Musk. Alright, thank you. Thank you, John, for podcasting with me. Thank you everyone for listening. Our podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

Rosiana House Rojas helps out with the questions. Our intern is Claudio Morales. The dear Hank and John music is by Gunnarola and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. I forgot to tell people where they could email us. Oh Hank, you're better than that. You can email us at dearhank and John.com. Did that count? No, that doesn't work either. If that was our email address, but it isn't. So you still haven't succeeded. You can email us at hank and johnatgmail.com

and as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome.