Dear Hank & John - 60: There Is Almost Always a Future

Episode Date: August 30, 2016

Where all all the dead birds? Should I really live each day of my life like it's my last? Am I a fraud for being a social chameleon? And more!

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUT [♪ OUTRO [♪ OUT you're mixing it up and it's very bold, it's refreshing, it's innovative, I love it. How are you doing? I'm well, I'm well. We're recording this podcast on a Monday. It's a beautiful day here in Indianapolis. Everything is going well, how are you? You say you're well, but you don't sound quite like normal. Well, I'm a little bit tired. Okay. And I did go for a five mile run this morning,

which is a little bit exhausting. But no, on the whole, and also I was in New York run this morning, which is a little bit exhausting, but no on the whole and also I was in New York this weekend, which was also a little bit exhausting very fun though my long time publicist and and your friend as well Hank Elise got married. Oh, yes, so I was there to celebrate her wedding, which was lovely, but I also am a little bit tired. And what is new in your life? Oh, I don't know if anything at all is new. I had a baby shower this weekend. We received baby gifts. It was lovely. People were very kind. I believe we sent some things to you as well. I don't know if you've received them yet.

I did. I sent you a text message about how very, very nice it all was. Oh, well, as you could tell from the way it was wrapped up, it was mostly me who did the work. Well, it was very, very sweet gesture, not just the stuff, but also you, there were lots of nice little notes as well. So we're really looking forward to it. Yes, the thing that I'm most excited about is that we got to pass down the little DFTBA Nerdfighteria 1Z that someone gave me back in like 2009 before. Sarah and I even knew we were going to have a kid. Hank, can I read you a short poem of correction for today?

Yes, you may. Yeah, so these days, at least for a little while, we're doing short poems that also take the form of corrections to things we got wrong in previous podcasts. Today's short poem of correction comes from listener Andrew, who writes, there are no Poke stops at high schools for legal reasons. Trust me, I work at Neantic, which for the record,

since we're making corrections, is pronounced Niantic. A short poem of correction from listener Andrew, who is employed at Niantic or possibly Niantic. I still maintain that nobody knows for sure how it's pronounced. It's named after a ship that fell into the bottom

of the ocean. Is it really? Oh yeah, I believe so. I'm not actually positive about that. Now great, I've already introduced an opportunity for a new correction. Is it an anagram of Titanic? One of these days we're gonna get everything right in this podcast, but not today. and opportunity for a new correction. Is it an anagram of Titanic?

One of these days we're gonna get everything right in this podcast, but not today. It does look like it's an anagram of Titanic except that it doesn't have enough teas in it. Yeah, I also have too many ends. There's a couple of things keeping it from being a proper anagram of Titanic. Okay.

All right, maybe we should move on to some questions from our listeners, Hank. Yeah, we gotta get ourselves into the portion Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Never follow our advice. I hope that we've made that clear over the years But there's just there is no worse idea well, John I can see in our shared Google Doc that you're highlighting all kinds of stuff So maybe you know what you're doing. No, that's how I just that's just how I read I highlight as I read on the internet. Do you not do that? I do as well I try not to do it when we are Sharing a Google doc though because then it's it can be kind of confused Okay, yeah, I see you doing it. It's actually super annoying when you do it But when I do it, it's very helpful. Okay, Hank our first question comes from Mimi who writes dear John and Hank

Where are all the dead birds? After 20 years on this earth, I've only just realized I never see dead birds But I see live birds everywhere where are the dead birds? Any help would be appreciated because their absence has become vaguely panic-inducing to me. Hank, I mean, I gotta say, have you ever been to a grocery store because they're full of dead birds? Just so many dead birds. Dead chickens. Or like that you mean like any restaurant, the Thanksgiving is centered around a dead bird. We basically praise them.

Yeah, there's a whole restaurant just for dead birds. I don't think she's talking about dead birds that you eat. I think she's talking about, you know, songbirds and blue herons and most of all pigeons. Well, I, yes. So pigeons die in crevasses. And so they find a little place to go die. And I know this because we have one of those places at our old apartment where there would always be a dead pigeon, and we'd take the dead pigeon out, and then there'd be another

one. It was like, this is just a place where pigeons go to die. It was like a pigeon graveyard. Perfect little spot. They'd just loved to go die there. But in birds, I think get eaten a lot. So small birds, if there's cats around, they will get taken around hidden by the animals who eat skunks and raccoons.

Also will eat dead birds. Sure. But also live birds, when if they are not feeling well and are slower than normal. So there are lots of things that will eat them, take them away, but also I think that a lot of birds actually,

they go and die and they find kind of places to be alone to die, which is interesting. So also if you are a person who looks to find dead birds, there are lots of places where you can go look particularly buildings where they fly into windows and will sometimes land on ledges that are higher up the ground level, and they'll just be full of dead birds if you want some. Yeah, I mean, I actually happen to know where all of the dead pigeons are. There may be some tiny subset of them that are in a crevice next to your old apartment, but almost all of the dead pigeons are underneath the Western brown line train stop in the city of Chicago.

And I used to wonder like, oh, where are all the dead pigeons, you know? And then once I moved to Lincoln Square neighborhood in Chicago and started walking under that train stop every day, I learned that all the dead pigeons, thousands of them are under that train stop. And I think you're right that animals eat them, that's the other thing that happens to them. But mostly my belief, Hank, is that a lot of birds,

when they die, their bodies and their souls both disappear from the earth at the same time and are placed into another worldly realm. But I don't have good data on that. That's just kind of what I suspect. But as far as the dead pigeons go, Mimi, I don't know if you live in or near Chicago, but regardless of where you live, if you're in the United States, when a pigeon feels that they are approaching death, they begin a great migration that ends underneath the Western train stop on the brown line in Chicago.

So anywhere in the United States, the continental U.S., that's where all the dead pigeons go. But as for the other birds, I believe that their bodies and souls are taken to another worldly realm. Hank should we move on to another question. Okay, John, this one is from Anonymous, who asks Dear Hank and John. As an American Muslim high school student, I am often asked why I don't celebrate Christmas as the people telling me this believe it is no longer a religious holiday. I often like to give funny and mischievous answers to these questions,

however, it cannot seem to think of many for this particular question. Could you help me out? John, can you help this person out? Yeah, I mean, if it's first off, if it's not a religious holiday, how come there are so many people telling me that it's a religious holiday? Like, what? Okay, so can we, can we, if you say it's not a religious holiday, can we recognize the first syllable of the word? Yeah, I mean, first off, right, let's, we need to find a word for it other than Christmas, if it's not gonna be a religious holiday anymore. Secondly, the answer I would actually give to this question,

Hank, is that even if Christmas is not a religious holiday, it's a terrible holiday. Now, because you know know I have a longstanding opposition to Christmas. I think it is a like a weird and totally ineffective and inefficient mishmash of different like mythologies that make no sense when they collide together. But the biggest problem I have with Christmas

is that I have a serious problem with gifts. So what I would say anonymous is I would say like I don't love gift holidays because they are economically inefficient because they result in me getting a lot of things that I didn't want and giving people a lot of things that they didn't want. And so what I do instead is not celebrate this holiday regardless of whether it is secular or religious because it is cray cray. I just disagree with you on some of the things that you've said.

I think that gift giving is not an economic activity. It is a surrogate for the showing of appreciation for other humans and love. And that's... Well, then it should be, it should always involve gifts that cost nothing or very little to make that are like made by hand with the sweat of your brow and with love, rather than like picked up at Target at midnight on Christmas Eve. John, this is America. The clearest surrogate for value and appreciation

that we have is obviously the US dollar. Well then we should only give dollars for Christmas. Actually, I wouldn't have a problem with that Hank. If you either give a present that you worked hard on that some kind of like craft or handmade thing that it captures your love for someone or you give them cold hard cash, I have no problem with Christmas.

Unfortunately, what almost always happens is that you pick up a copy of Connect 4 for somebody at Target at Midnight on Christmas Eve and you're like, remember how you like board games that are really easy? And then they're like, no, I don't, I don't remember that. That wasn't me, that wasn't me. Oh man.

Yeah, I don't feel like I have a particularly good solution for this somewhat complicated problem. In fact, Christmas is, it has, there are a lot of ways in which Americans have come to feel that Christmas is an American holiday and not a religious one, and that is actually fairly separate from the truth, despite the fact that we have a hard time actually recognizing that. Yes, I totally agree with you on that. I think it's really important

to understand that Christmas is not an American holiday, because Christianity is not the American state religion. It never was, the country wasn't set up that way and it never should be. I'm also sure that in anonymous life, this is one of many examples in which they have to grapple with a country that expects you to be a certain kind of way to be properly American, which is, of course, deeply offensive and wrong. And again, it always has been. Like, the United States was never this idea that the US was at one point like, a quote-unquote Christian nation is just ludicrous. It's just not true.

There was never that time. It harkens back to a past that doesn't exist, like so much radical regressivism. It harkens back to a past that didn't exist. So it is very frustrating, but if you're trying to deal with it in a funnier mischievous way, which I applaud, I would just say that I'm opposed to gift giving.

That should shut down the conversation. Not religiously, I just think it's an economically bad idea. that I'm opposed to gift of 378 Snickers bars, and it meant the world to me. So I do want to just pause and say how grateful I am to my friends at the Mars company for the gift of those 378 Snickers bars, which truly is the gift that keeps on giving because no matter how many I eat a day,

there are still seem to be a lot. I'm gonna be very sad for you when they finally run out. We got another question from Deo, who asks, dear Hank and John, whenever I hang out with friends, I act in a certain way. I crack jokes and I get all hyper, but when I'm with a different group of friends, I kind of notice that I act very differently from how I am with my other friends. I'm more mild than wild. I'm worried that there will come a time when all of us will hang out, and

I will lose control over who I am and my identity, or they will think that I'm fake because of this. Also, I find myself admiring people who act the same around everybody. Their personalities never seem to falter. Am I being fake? How do I find out who I am independent of my friends or other people? How does anyone truly quote be themselves? Well, at the end there, we got to a question that is unanswerable, but I will say that I'm just like you. I am totally a social chameleon,

and when I'm with one group of people, I act the way that they do, and I feel like I just try and fulfill people's expectations, and I find that to be fun, and I find that to be part of who I am, that I act different ways and different situations around different people. And I don't think that's the contradiction at all.

Yeah, I don't know Hank if you listen to Invisibilia, but they had a great podcast about personality and the way that we think of personality as this monolithic thing that doesn't change, that doesn't respond to circumstance. When, of course, that isn't the truth, that isn't the truth about people. We all contain multitudes.

We're all shy in some circumstances and not in others and angry in some circumstances and not in others. And the personality is way less stable than we believe it to be, because the idea that it isn't stable is kind of terrifying. Right. Yes. Yes.

And, Deo definitely feels that feeling, and I think that we are often told to, you know, be ourselves. And that can be very difficult when we are trying to build this conception of who we are and then who we actually are defies that expectation. Yeah, how do you deal with that, Hank? How do you make sense of a self that feels like it can't get pinned down, that you can't really identify what makes you, you, by the way, I am asking this because I'm writing

about it. And if you could solve the problem for me, that would be a great experience. I read a, so it's probably the first like real novel I read. I guess I should say that Jurassic Park is a real novel. But the first, the first difficult novel I read was, Red Mars by Kim Stanley Robinson. And there are a number of characters in there that are this way and that is in a way that was very appealing to me as a young person.

And I think this is also true of a lot of books that I like. That was praised as a skill that people were using to their own advantage and the advantage of their society. And different characters, some of them were using it using to their own advantage and the advantage of their society. And different characters, some of them were using it primarily to their own advantage and some of them to the advantage of society. And so that made me feel really like kind of proud of my ability to change in different situations.

There were definitely times where I felt ashamed of it when friends would be like, why are you acting different? Why are you not acting like yourself? And realizing that yes, because I was in a different social situation, I was acting different than they were used to. And so I certainly have felt shame about that

and that I, you know, and like I'm faking to some extent. But I think that it's, that like the me who I am is a fun game to play. And I should and can, I can and am able to, I should be able to and I am able to adopt different ways of being. And that's something that I can be proud of, not something that I should be afraid of. So what makes you you is essentially nothing or is like, or the unis of you is constructed

partly by you, partly by forces outside of you. And that's just something that you're able to accept. Well, that's the thing that I consider to be me, to be a big part of who I am. Now, also, there are things that I don't ever like that aren't personality that I think define me more significantly than my personality, like my values, and my philosophy of how I should live and how the world is. And those things when they get called into question are a lot more uncomfortable for me.

Okay, that's actually very helpful. Thank you. Let's move on to another question. That was totally selfish series of questions, but I enjoyed listening to you talk about it anyway. This one comes from Peter, who writes, dear John and Hank, have you noticed that Hank and John would fit pretty well in place of the words

Stacy's mom from the song Stacy's mom, Love Peter? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I can't help but notice that John and Hank would also fit, it just wouldn't rhyme anymore. No, John and Hank, it would be bad. It would be bad going on. I don't actually know the song. Well, you did a good job. But yeah, if it were John and Hank, it would have to be John and Hank

have got it going, Hank. And that doesn't make any sense. So it's pretty much has to be Hank and John have got it going on. I mean, couldn't it be John and Hank have got a yellow tank? John and Hank have got a yellow tank. Yep. Yeah, that's pretty good.

I mean, I've always wanted, I guess actually I'd prefer a purple tank. If I'm going to have some kind of tank, I want to purple a big beautiful purple tank. All right, well, I am looking to the Ford to the fan art. If that I am also looking forward to the John and Hank have got a purple tank t-shirt available soon from dftba.com. Oh, man. Oh, good gracious. I'm gonna just real quick, I'm gonna look up the lyrics to Stacy's mom. And I'm gonna let you know, oh my, the video is predictably, here we go.

I mean, I have to say this, just reading the lyrics here on the Google Play music site, I can't help but feel that this isn't the most sophisticated pop song ever written, but it basically deep. Hank and John have got it going on repeated four times. And then Hank, can I come over after school? We can hang out by the pool. Did John get back from his business trip? Is he there or is he trying to give me the slip? Oh my God, it's like this was written by an algorithm. Oh, fountains of Wayne. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a great song,

but like so many pop songs, it completely falls apart when you try to read it as poetry. Okay, I think we should move on because now that I read the rest of the lyrics, I realize that I really don't want that song to be about you and I at all. I think it would have to be fully from the top down restructured for Hengen John. Yeah, we'd have to weird out for sure.

So let's move on to another question from one of our listeners. Alright, this one's from Dana who asks, Dear Hank and John, I have a slightly death-related question for your comedy podcast. I feel like the phrase, Live Each Day Like It's Your Last has been haunting me. I keep hearing it in media and conversations, and it makes me wonder,

how is that possible? If I knew that today was gonna be my last day, I would wanna spend the day having awesome adventures and doing new things with my family and friends. I would not want my last days to be spent like my days currently are, wake school, study, sleep, work, repeat. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy life,

I just don't necessarily enjoy it on a daily basis. How does one actually live each day like it's their last? Is it possible? Why do people say this? Yeah, I mean, there are lots of cliches that I think contain terrible advice, but this might be the worst one, because of course, if you were actually living each day like it was your last, you wouldn't be having like a bunch of awesome adventures. You'd spend most of the day weeping. And desperately trying to make sure that you set the way to all of these people you loved. And also, is my, are my affairs in order? Is there anything that I can do to make matters

a little bit better for the people I love after I'm gone? I just think it's the stupidest idea. Like if you live each day, like it's your last, for one thing, you're gonna be really sad most days. But for another thing, you're also going to be, like I have the same problem with Carpe Diemhank, because if all you do is seize the day, this day is the only day all I have is the present, then you're never planning for the future, which is a big problem, because there is almost

always a future. Like it almost never is your last day. So like you wake up the next day and you're like, boy, I really probably could have prepared slightly better for today. I, well first, I think that you are corrected if you live each day, as if you are going to die tomorrow and you know this fact, then you're going to spend every day calling your family and they're gonna be like,

oh my God, no, you're the day is more the expression that is trying to be gotten across, not that it is your last, but that it may as well be. And you are right that only one out of like 30,000 days will be your last day, and that's pretty good. Oh no, more than that. More than that. Yeah, and I think you should celebrate this fact. I think that like, if you in all likelihood

have a future to plan for, at least part of your day should be spent preparing for that future. Like, school is a good example of this. Like, I found college to be pretty fun, but I was also conscious of the fact that I was in college partly so that I could, you know, enjoy adulthood more,

and I don't regret that investment of time at all. No, and I like to live each day as if I will live a long, long time. And I just, I looked it up because my rough math, I was not sure of. And it turns out that it's the less than less than one in every 30,000 days. And on average, one in every 27,375 days will be your last if you live in the US. So, but you could, you could get 30,000 days. It's not like a completely unrealistic. Oh, sure, sure, yes, yes, it's often, often, yes.

I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for 30 grand. That would be, that would seem like victory to me. Um, but yeah, I don't think that you should live every day like it's your last. I think you should live every day as if you were going to have a long and productive life. The other thing is that you should live every day, like it's your last. I think you should live every day as if you were going to have a long and productive life. The other thing is that if you live every day, like it's your last, you never save anything.

Like not just money, but you don't save anything because it's all going away. I don't have that free spirit in this inside of me Hank. I am the least free spirit I have ever met. You are pretty confined spirit, John. And I also, I wanna say that I spend a huge amount of my days investing in the future. Like, for example, this podcast doesn't kinda go up

until next week. And so if I was gonna look, every day like it was your last, I would not be recording this podcast. So I'm planning for the... No, respectfully, I wouldn't either. I enjoy it, but I don't enjoy it nearly that much. Oh yeah, it'd be really good to be like, so John just found out he's gonna die tomorrow. So we decided to record a podcast for you.

This is, it's gonna be a little bit of a more macabre dear Hank and John than usual, which is saying something. All right, Hank, let's move on to another question from our listeners. This one, by the way, you can email us at Hank and John at gmail.com. We always forget to say that, Hank. And yet, somehow people find a way, which I appreciate, but it's Hank and John at gmail.com. Is our email address? Okay, Hank, this question comes from Sydney who writes, dear John and Hank, I need some dubious

advice on a very important grammatical issue. It's how to shorten the term as per usual. People usually say usual out loud as usual, like as per usual. By the way, when Sydney says people, I think Sydney is referring to her peers who are I'm guessing 24 years younger than I am. Anyway, how do you spell the use in as per use?

Does this make any sense? I just want to be able to write as per use without saying in parentheses. I shortened that from usual. I think... I mean, Sydney, you are my hero on every level. I love every part of this question. I think it's pretty clear. I think it's Y-O-O-J.

It's not Y-O-O-J. If you write as per you, as per you, as per you, people will actually pronounce. They'll have to like pause and they'll be like, as per you, as per you.

Is that a double Trump saying huge? What is happening with as per you No, you got to get the In there so I'm gonna go why oh S H as per you know that doesn't work either no definitely not definitely not it's you's it's depth why oh oh J W0 G H as per who's that that's per Wouge. That's Wouge. That's an existing word, W-O-O-S-H. We can't use an existing word.

I said G-H. G-H. But anyway. Okay, I'm gonna go with Wouge also works. I'm gonna go with U-D-G-E-E. The second E is silent. It could be pronounced Ud-E, but I think that it will get across huge. This is an incredibly difficult question, Hank.

This might be the hardest question we've ever been asked to answer on dear Hank and John. Why O, U, S, H, as per you, nope, nope, as per you, as per you, you should, with a J. You got to get the E. Why O, U, Z, S, with a J. You gotta get the Y-O-U-Z-S-H. Use. Why O-U-Z-S-H? I mean, that is definitely wrong.

I'm looking at it, I just typed it out. It's, you're close though. I think this, it's also more letters than usual. Just be clear. Well, yeah, no, there's definitely no way to spell it with fewer letters than our unusual. No, y-o-o-j! Y-o-o-j, huge.

But doesn't that, doesn't huge sound like Donald Trump saying huge? It does, it does, yes. You've got to get the shoo in huge. Is it y-o-o-s-h? That's huge. Is it Y-O-O-S-H? That's you. Dang it. Why, oh, oh, J-S-H? Add for you. Why, oh, J-S-H? I don't dislike Y-O-O-J-S-H, although it looks very weird. I agree. It looks very weird.

I mean, I don't think that, I don't know if this is going to be entertaining to our podcast listeners, but you should really see Hank and I shared Google Doc right now. It's hilarious. It's just Hank and I desperately typing out things that sound vaguely like as per use. So, somewhat on this topic, Hank, when my books are published in languages with other alphabets, especially in like Russian or countries where there is no J sound, they use a mix of the like D and X sound to make the J of like Dijon, basically it's like Dejean. And so there's the like,

shea sound of the X-like letter and the Dua sound of D. And so they usually translate my name in such a way that I can sort of read the Cyrillic alphabet, but I always read it as like this book was by Dejean Green. And I think we're running up against the similar problem, which is that the Latin alphabet has no way of saying as per use, which I'm almost going to suggest to you that even though it's going to make you feel like an old funny dirty, you just spell out usual, because I don't think there's any way that we can get to use with our alphabet. What about the, what about the, oh with the unlau? Oh, like why unlaued O-J-E.

Oh, it's brilliant, it's brilliant. Wait, how are you spelling it? Why unlauged U-J-E? J-E with an unlauged as per U-J. No, that's still J-E, but maybe it's still U-J. Why unlauged S-E? But like L-U-J, because I'm what I'm hearing is Uj. E.

I can't type an Oonlautidu, apparently. I don't know how to do it. You're gonna keep word. Sydney, we figured it out, but it does involve an Oonlaut. And I don't know if that's on your iPhone keyboard, but I would go with as per Uj. I don't know why I assume, by the way, that Sydney has an iPhone and types the iPhone.

It's like I feel like I know her, although I don't. But as per Uj with an Oonlaut is the way that Sydney has an iPhone and types the iPhone. It's like, I feel like I know her, although I don't. But as per you with an umlaught is the way. That's the way. Maybe just Ud-Low-D-U-J-E. Oh, that's good. Umlaught-D-U-J-E, that's simple. It's fewer letters than usual. It also, it's as per you.

Nope, I don't like the J. I'm gonna stick with why U Umlaoted you SH maybe SH Well, it's possible that we spend enough time talking about well, I almost feel like we should start a spin-off podcast Where we just decide upon new spellings for abbreviations. I'm into it. Or how to pronounce things like Hank, do you ever wonder how to like remember back in the day when instead of saying BRB,

if someone was gonna be gone for a while from the internet, they would write AFK away from keyboard. Yep. I always used to pronounce that in my head as AFK. Sure, but I've never known how to pronounce BRB, you know, is it Burb? Sure. Is it brub? Burb. Burb?

That makes sense. It's interesting when we look at words that don't have vowels, the noise that we put in, I talked to a linguist about this one time, is this sort of like what we call a neutral vowel sound? I don't know if we call it that, but in English, it's sort of a U sound, like, uh, and like, verb, buh, buh. And actually, if you listen to English very systematically, though that's most of the noises we make are these

uh, noises, and we don't even think about it. But like, if I just said about, that's an A, but in fact I just said uh, Bout. Right. Uh, and it's like it's more of a U-noise than an A-noise. Who knows why and how Ling-linguists figure this stuff out, but I was fascinated to talk about it.

And that is a really great story I told. That was a really great story, but it wasn't to talk about it. And that is a really great story, I told you. That was a really great story, but it wasn't as good as the 12 minutes that we spent analyzing out right as per you. Oh, man, I feel like we're probably, I feel like we're at a low questions per episode right now. Yeah, we have it. This has not been our best work.

Today's podcast is brought to you by our best work. You didn't get it today. Did the podcast is also brought to you by Stacey's mom. She has a purple tank. And she also has it going on. It's easy to forget that Stacey's mom has it going on because they only remind you about it 16 times over the course of the song.

Well, I mean, but she does. It's important to tell you because you're so distracted by her purple tank. It's true. I mean, it's weird because like, why do you really want to hang out with Stacey's mom? Is it because you think that she's beautiful or is it because you wish to acquire this purple tank that she's driving around? Who knows? Or maybe just spend a little bit of time in it. Today's blackest is also brought to you by the Western Brownline L-Stop in the city of Chicago, containing all of the world's dead pigeons. And finally, today's podcast is brought to you by The Noise, uh.

The Noise, uh. It sounds like a U noise, but it's really just everywhere and everything we say all the time. Uh. Speaking of which, Hank, can we go ahead and answer one more question from our listeners? Oh, sure. Great. This one comes from Rachel, who asks, dear John and Hank, are people who have a large internet

presence and or have lots of information about themselves available on the internet, bothered when fans ask them questions that could have been found on their Wikipedia page? For example, I was curious about how Hank learned so much about science, but then I realized I could Google it instead of waiting to ask if we ever met. Yeah, I get that so much. People email me long emails that clearly took a significant amount of time to write, to

find out information that is right there if you just type in just the three words that you were looking for. Yeah, but I think they ask you precisely because they don't want to get the information from these sources, they wanna get the information from you. Like, I have a theory about this that we really enjoy learning from people much more than we enjoy learning from machines.

I like to get my news from people. I know that it's biased and I know that it's not a particularly efficient system. It's not the only news source I use, but I really enjoy hearing people's take on the news as they're telling me about it. I think that's like a human thing. We wanna interact with people much more than we wanna interact with Wikipedia pages. That said, it does sometimes get a little bit annoying.

But I also don't feel like people should have a response. I mean, if it's for like a school report, that's one thing. But if I'm having an interaction with someone, I don't feel like they should have a responsibility to look me up on the internet before we hang out. That's weird. I know. I agree with you, but there are times like, for example, when the dates for when VidCon

is on the website VidCon.com and people email me asking me what the dates for VidCon are. And I'm like, I just, I don't know what to say. Like this is not the efficient way to get this information. If I email you back, it will take a very long time. In comparison to the amount of time it would have taken to go to VidCon.com and look at the dates that are on there. Yeah, no, I agree with you about that stuff.

Slightly off topic, Hank. Why is your Wikipedia page so much better than my Wikipedia page? Like, like what devil did you make some deal with in order to get like one of the best biographical Wikipedia pages on the whole freaking internet? Well, my Wikipedia page with gratitude to everybody with gratitude to everybody who has contributed to it, is a dumpster fire. Like, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh wow, it is nice. Look at this chart.

I know your Wikipedia page has a chart, and then they sort of like imported the chart onto my Wikipedia page, but it doesn't look nearly as good. Oh no, no, it doesn't. Yeah, I know. Your Wikipedia page is truly, truly excellent. And I am profoundly, I would be lying if I didn't like, say that I am profoundly jealous of it because I am.

Well, I'll tell you, John, I haven't looked at my Wikipedia page in a long time. Uh, though the last time I did, I did fix something. I remember being like, that's not true. That's, that's not true. That's not a true thing. I saw my friend Matt Taylor Pena last night and I went to his Wikipedia page before I met up with him.

He's a great authorie when the Newberry Award this year for his brilliant book, Last Stop on Market Street. But I was meeting up with Matt. I just wanted to remind myself whether his first book had come out the same year as mine because I remembered that, but I wasn't sure if I was like, misremembering it.

So I went to his Wikipedia page, and that led me to another Wikipedia page about one of his books, where the first sentence was something, something, something, and the book was also selected as a New York Times public library book for the D's Nuts. That was it. But somebody went to the Wikipedia page just out of the word D's Nuts,

replaced the word teenage, and that was it. That was it. That was it. That was what they chose to do with their one wild and precious life. Here is something that looks like that looks like Wikipedia vandalism,

but it's not. Under the brotherhood 2.0 section of my Wikipedia page, it says that our videos feature lots of different things. And the final thing and the list of things that those videos featured was intercourse between giraffes as the thumbnail for videos. Mm, yeah, that's not something I'm super proud of, but it is true.

They did decide to put that right there at the last thing just so you really sticks in your mind. Well, what can you do Hank? Life is full of Life is full of regrets and it's hard to regret those videos because they got like 40 million views. I mean, John, I gotta get money for Snickers somehow. It's not like they said in the movie for free. It's true Hank, it's not like they grow on trees or just arrive at your doorstep at 378 at a time because you're not me. Okay, Hank, let's move on to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

What is the news from Mars this week? NASA is testing out its new space launch system. This is the new gigantic rocket that will carry astronauts to deep space in the Orion capsule. The Space Launch System is going to be bigger than the Saturn V rocket that took astronauts to the moon, and it has big giant engines that are very similar, in fact almost exactly the same, as the engines that took the space shuttle up, but there will be more of them and they are running them at a higher thrust amount using

a different controller brain thing to figure out how exactly all of the fuel goes into the thing and how they adjust the amount of thrust that's being generated. So they tested this thing out. It's amazing. You can watch a video of it. It's just seven straight minutes of this thing just blasting out energy. And it worked great.

They got it up to like, I don't know what this means, but they got it up to 111% thrust. So that seems impossible, but they ran them for the space shuttle at 104, 106% thrust. So I guess that's a thing that you can do. And it operated well. It seems it didn't damage itself at all. And it's stepped toward our future

as a deep space society, getting humans outside of near-earth orbit and maybe to the moon, maybe to an asteroid, maybe to Mars. All right, well, we will try to put that video up on the Patreon page so that you can enjoy it seven minutes of pure energy being released out into the atmosphere. Sounds like a fascinating watch.

It's really loud. Yes, I can imagine. In AFC Wimbledon news, Hank, AFC Wimbledon have acquired their first point of the league one season. Got a tie? It was not a moment where AFC Wimbledon bade themselves in glory, Hank. However, they did draw Nail Nail against North

Hampton away. It's always good to get an away point. That's a pretty good result. On the other hand, North Hampton is near the bottom of the table. AFC Wimbledon, however, Hank is now off the bottom. Sheffield United is in last place with one point for the season after four games played. AFC Wimbledon also has one point for the season after four games played but has a slightly better goal differential. So we have begun our inexorable march from the basement to the top. You started at the top alphabetically went all the way down the last, and now you're gonna claw your way all the way back up. Well, it's really important actually to have had this bad run of four games,

thanks so that at the end of the season, when they play Drake, started from the bottom now we're here, it will be more a more powerful thing. So I was gonna say I remain optimistic, but that is far too strong of an adjective. I remain conscious of the fact that unlikely things happen.

Yes, how's that? Well, it's a thing that happens every day, John. Every time I'm driving my car, and I look in front of me at the car, at the car in front of me, and I look at its license plate, I think what are the odds that those numbers would be on that car right in front of me?

And there's nothing special about those numbers, but those numbers in particular, it's just very, very unlikely. And it happens every day. The odds are phenomenally low. And yet the unlikely happens all the time. That's a big part of what makes human life so beautiful. And also a big part of what makes human life so terrifying. Hey, what did we learn today?

Oh, good and as gracious. I don't know. I also, I mean, I'll tell you, I'll tell you the main thing we learned. We learned that it takes two full grown adults, a solid 20 minutes to spell the word use. I learned where all the dead pigeons are. There's like six or seven of them at my apartment building and 30 billion in Chicago underneath the train station. That's not even an exaggeration. There are actually 30 billion of them.

We learned not to spend every day as if it were your last. Yes, yes. In the course of today's podcast, we learned that John Greed spends every day as if he will have more days. Oh yeah, definitely. Definitely.

Oh yeah, definitely. And finally, of course, we learned that Stacey's mom has a really nice purple tank. It's amazing. It'd be nice if we appreciated her for her accomplishments rather than just, you know, what she looks like. Indeed, it is not easy in the United States, even with our relatively lax gun laws,

to acquire a weaponized vehicle. And no matter what the color. No, I mean, in fact, I wonder if there is a purple tank on earth. Allow me to Google purple tank. Who can do it? Purple tank top. No. I don't want a purple tank top. Yeah, it's almost exclusively purple tank tops, but there is one purple tank. Ah, those photo of the day pink for peace. No purple for peace. Please. Well, it's pretty purple. No, not seeing. It's pretty purple. I'll tell what, Hank, I see a lot of purple tank tops. Maybe, yeah, we clearly...

It's just, it's a very popular color for tank tops, but there is one purple-ish tank in Slovenia. I wish I could tell you the city name, but unfortunately, those letters do not go together in a way that can be pronounced by human tongues. Not that, yes. I think that it's pronounced huge. I thought you were actually going to take a crack at it, but no, no, you went for the easy joke.

Thank you for listening to today's podcast. You can email us once again at Hank and John at gmail.com. If you want to support this podcast, we'd appreciate it. You can go to patreon.com. We have fun live shows every month for our Patreon subscribers. But you can also get lots of other cool stuff. Patreon.com slash deer, Hank and John. Our podcast is edited by the great Nicholas Jenkins.

Our theme music is by Gunnarola Hank. I missed a few things. Rosieanna Hals-Rohas helps us out with questions. Our intern is Claudio Morales. You can email us at HankandJohnnaGbill.com. I just said that. I just said that. I just, I definitely just, that one. That one I nailed. I've said it like three times in the podcast. I've actually only said it twice, but now I have a strong brand relationship with exaggerating. So I exaggerated because now that's my thing. Well, I was distracted while you were talking to me about this pink tank,

which maybe we'll put on the Patreon page as well. And it's a beauty. As they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. you