Dear Hank & John - 62: Pumpkins and Penguins (and Fiddles)

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

How do I go about my secret fiddle long con? Why do almost all zippers have the letters YKK on them? Do bugs ever have a destination in mind when they walk around aimlessly? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hagen John. Where's our further thing with Dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast where me, Hank Green, host of SciShow, and John Green, the author of the Fault in Our Stars and several other books, talk to you about death, answer your questions, give you to be advised and bring you all the excuses from Phil's Persona if you won't win. I'm not proud of that one, John. No, that wasn't great.

I think it's weird that you identify primarily as the host of SciShow. Well, I was just picking something. I... What would you like on your tombstone, Hank? What would you like it to say that you did with your life on your tombstone? Giraffe sex videos. I mean, that's not even appropriate since all of our most popular giraffe sex videos were

made by me. I'm not one to brag, I'm stating a fact. That's a big spider! What the frick? Am I gonna have to host the podcast alone because there's a spider in your room or you can be able to just get on with it? You know sometimes I think, you know, there are a lot of legs in the world. But then I realize that most of them are on that spider. Hank Green, 1980 to 2146.

Most of the legs in the world are on spiders. I don't really know what to do about this spider. It doesn't seem to, okay, it's, well, is it gonna come to me? Well, I mean, this is just a fantastic radio drama. It's exactly what listeners of Dear Hank and John tune in for every week. Ha, Hank, how are you doing?

I'm good. I'm good. I had a little bit of a spider scare. I've got, I've got only good news in my life right now. Things are great. Well, I have a short poem for you today. Is it about, do you, I mean, is it only good news in your life? I feel like we didn't hear anything about you.

My life is fine, because I continue to have a broken rib, which is just a tremendous bummer, and but talking about it doesn't help it, uh, but also not talking about it doesn't cause me not to think about it. So, uh, why don't I just read you a short poem of correction that was sent in by one of our listeners, Morgan? All right. Let's do it.

Hey, guys, pigeons may, if rarely, die in crevasses, the deep casoms in earth and ice, but I think you might have meant crevices. We also got a correction from Lauren who writes, My father is the lead rocket scientist of a science mission called Juno that is at Jupiter at this very moment. So Lauren's dad wrote in, though it is a beautiful sentiment to think that we will never know what lies at the center of Jupiter, we most likely will within the next 20 months.

The Juno spacecraft is currently orbiting Jupiter, and one of its core scientific goals is to discover the contents in state of Jupiter's interior. To answer the listener's question further, once the orbiter has completed its mission, it will descend into Jupiter to be destroyed. This is done so that the nearby moons won't be contaminated, but the gas giant will destroy the spacecraft.

It's also worth noting that Juno has just sent back some close-up photos of Jupiter that are stunning and incredibly interesting, including the first-ever photo of Jupiter's North Pole. So we'll post those to the Patreon at patreon.com slash Dear Hank and John. They are beautiful pictures, and I even knew about Juno, and had talked about Juno, as previously mentioned, on my apparently most important job, a host of SciShow.

And, yes. And I even knew what Juno's mission was. But I maintain that we will know more about what is in the interior of Jupiter, but not all of what is in the interior of Jupiter. Yeah, no, I trust you over the guy who's literally running the Juno project. Okay, Hank, let's get to some questions from our listeners.

I wanna start with what I think is the most important question we got this week, it's get to some questions from our listeners. I want to start with what I think is the most important question we got this week. It's from Pia, who wrote, Dear John and Hank, how do I tell my family that I have secretly learned to play the fiddle? I recently saw an amazing folk band. And after their performance, I was inspired to learn to play the fiddle. I'm sorry, I can fairly read it.

What, I don't know what's funny about that part. I had thought that Pia had already learned how to secretly play the fiddle. But it turns out that Pia is planning for a future in which Pia has secretly learned to play the fiddle, which is not a current outcome, but a future of the fiddle. No, no, no. Pia is putting together a long con, Hank. However, I predict it will take a while before I'd be comfortable enough to play in front of anyone. That's probably

a good point, Pia. I'm also not totally convinced that you're going to be able to teach yourself the fiddle in silence, in secret somewhere, but I wish you luck. In a few years, should I gather my family in the living room and appear to them to their shock, playing a jig, or should I just approach each member of my family individually and surprise them with their favorite tune? Best wishes, Pia. This is the best idea I've ever heard. I hope that Pia has a very large home or a garage in the back.

Whereas Pia spent a lot of time in the garage. Why does Pia hang out in our soundproof basement so much? Yeah, I mean, I think as long as you're going to approach each, I think it's better if you approach each member of the family individually and play them their favorite tune, ideally arranged specifically for the fiddle. But in order to do that, you have to make sure that they're not going to communicate to each other, this has already happened. And the only way to really make sure that that's going to happen is if you do this individually

was each of them at the exact same time. It's a great idea. to each other, this has already happened. And the only way to really make sure that that's gonna happen is if you do this individually with each of them at the exact same time. And so I think what you have to do is have multiples of yourself also learn to play the fiddle. Yeah, I think when you learn to play the fiddle, all your clones also learn to play the fiddle, although I'm not sure on the science of that. But my thought was, I totally agree with you

that the first person could potentially spoil it for the last person. So I'm imagining that Pia has like four siblings, two parents, and one grandparent who's living in a nursing home. So what you're going to want to do, I think is first, you're going to want to shock your grandmother. You're going to show up, you're going to have a duffle bag., obviously you can't have a violin case, that'll give you away, you've got a duffle bag, you show up, your grandmother's sleeping, and she just, she wakes up and she's like,

oh my god, be over in the fiddle. And then, you cut your grandmother's phone line. She doesn't have a cell phone, thank god. So you just cut the phone line in the nursing home, so she has no way to get to the outside world. You race to your home. No, no, no, no, you have to cut the phone line in the nursing home. So she has no way to get to the outside world. You race No, no, no, you have to cut the the phone line to the whole nursing home So like the exterior line that she could use a different phone. I'm sorry Hank. I didn't think of that great point

So you cut the phone line to the whole nursing home then you race to your dad's Workplace. He is an accountant. Yes, nope nope nope. He is an accountant. Yes. Nope, nope, nope. He is in the local symphony orchestra where he plays the violin. Ha ha ha ha. But Pia had to see a band playing fiddle before she was inspired to learn, not from her father, but from some randos.

Exactly. So she shows up and her father, of course, begins to weep because he's always wanted Pia to learn the violin. And now she's like a fiddle playing mystro, presumably. I assume that not only do you learn how to play the fiddle, but you're really, really good. And then you go to your mom's work, she's in a car. But before she goes to her mom's work, she has to burn the orchestra hall home with her dad in it, so he doesn't tell anyone.

That seems like a terrible plan. He might die. Well, I mean, he's not gonna tell anybody. This is a real human being we're talking about, Hank. This isn't fun in games. We're not having a goof. This is for real. Oh, I apologize.

All right, Jesus. I mean, Pia has a real dad who is a real violinist. So then you go to your mom's work, she's the accountant. You play her, like, what is a great accountant song? I don't, has there ever been a great fiddle song about an accountant? Is the devil went down to Georgia about an accountant?

I can't remember. I don't, I don't think so. You know, I'm a little bit worried that you've set this, this goof up and you've built in also four siblings. Oh yeah, no. This is going to be about 25 minutes long. Oh, just to be clear, this is going to be the rest of the episode of the pod. I had a bunch of questions I wanted to answer, but I guess we'll get to them next week.

Yeah, I mean, seriously, if we get to them ever, I almost think that we should start a spin-off podcast entirely devoted to Pia's long con. We could call it Pia's long con, which is a pretty good amp for a podcast. I think you should just write a short story. No, I think so. With the four siblings, you're gonna want to catch them all at the same time because you're gonna want to see all their faces as they react to both your fiddle playing and to each other's shock about your fiddle playing. I mean, this is the best idea for a YouTube video I've ever heard of. Pia, you must do this.

You must spend years mastering the fiddle. At the, like, you must let no one know that you are mastering the fiddle. You must become the greatest fiddle player since that Charlie's Daniel Bansong about the devil going down to Georgia, and then you must do this and film it for us. Yeah, I think that the hard part isn't gonna be cloning.

It's gonna be finding something boring enough to tell your family you're doing, but they won't express any interest in it. They're like, oh, Pia has gotten so obsessed with bingo, and she's always down at the bingo hall. Nobody ever had to go join you with the bingo hall, because it's bingo.

But maybe they will accept that you've just gotten obsessed with bingo. And we'll also explain all the money that you're spending on lessons. Well, my understanding was that Pia was going to be a self-taught fiddle player so that not even a teacher would know about this long con. I think you've got to keep the circle as tight as possible. It should just be like, Pia, you, me, and everybody who's listening to the podcast.

All right. Well, it is a difficult thing to pull off, but I'm looking forward to hearing in a few years how it goes. See you in the YouTube video. If you, if, if, if be a execute, please let us know so we can send a crew down to film. Yeah, for real.

I got another question, John. Is that okay with you? Yeah, I guess we can move on. All right, this one's from Allison, who asked Dear Hank and John, how did the term real estate agent come about? Is it because estate agents kept having to reassure people that they were indeed real? Um, you know, the answer to this question, John.

I do know the answer to the question, Hank, but it's a little bit like Donald Trump's plan to fight ISIS. I feel like if I tell you the answer, then, you know, like everybody will know it. So it's best if I just keep it secret. It's best of it just inside my head, but I'm sure it's going to, I'm sure I'm 100% right on this one. Let me know if after I tell you this, you think that I am right. You can confirm that I'm correct about this. It's real, the real and real estate agent does not refer to the agent who is definitely real. It refers to the estate and that it's a very old term,

I think from like the 1600s and I'm not like, this isn't the thing I knew I looked it up. And the real is a way of saying that this is the stuff that is the real estate rather than the personal estate. And so the real stuff is if you own land, anything that's connected to that land is part of the real estate. Anything that you can take away and it is yours is not.

So like a tree would be included in the real estate. So like the land and the stuff and the rivers and all that stuff, it's the real part of the property and then there's the personal part of the property and Which is like that's like your fiddle would be in your personal estate. Yes, and your hammers and your plow and Yeah, it is not really a way that we use the word real anymore But it was a way that we used it back then. And we continue to use that phrase. And I just love how words work, John, and how I don't know why that is.

And I haven't gotten over it. I'm 36 years old, and I still love what people explain to me, where phrases come from, and words come from, that like digs back into history and shows us that all of this stuff is just a human invention and that we are all tied together through this long string of creation and knowing and building ideas and things. And I like that. I don't think I'll ever get over it. Well, I think it's cool too. And I did know that. I just wasn't telling you. We have a similar question Hank, that allows us to talk about a little bit of etymology,

which is something that we both enjoy. This question comes from Gavin, who writes, dear John and Hank, this is a very important question that has bothered me since I was a young child. Why do almost all zippers have the letters YKK on them? You know, I'm gonna check my zipper. Oh, it's a button fly, dang it. Dang it. Well, my zipper has YKK on them. You know, I'm gonna check my zipper. Oh, it's a button fly, dang it.

Dang it. Well, my zipper has YKK on it. YKK is an abbreviation that originally stood for Yoshida Koigyo Gasha. I'm terrible at pronouncing things. I'll remind you that mispronouncing things is my thing. But now it's just called YKK Group. And they make your zippers.

In fact, they make almost all of your zippers. I believe they make like half a billion zippers a year, and the story of why they make the zippers, even though maybe Levi's makes your jeans, maybe Wrangler does, maybe Seven for All-Man Kind does, but your zipper is almost definitely a YKK zipper is a fascinating story. And you know what it boils down to, Hank?

What? Making zippers good is hard. Like making zippers that work is really challenging. And YKK kind of became the leader in the industry because they have a really great quality control. In fact, they smelt their own like brass for the zippers. You know, I would love, I don't wanna read a book about this

because I don't have that kind of time, but I would love to have read a book about this. And to know all of the people that were involved in making that thing happen. You know, this 82-year-old company that now has a huge amount of the zipper market share in the world. And why, like, obviously, it's not just the competition, but they have done many things to maintain that position because I'm sure that people could compete with them if they could on price or on quality,

but they've just done a thing and held onto that position for a long time. And it seems like there's a lot of people who have never been appreciated for doing really great stuff at YKK manufacturing group. Yeah, it's true. The only way that they've ever been shown appreciation is through the hundreds of millions

of dollars of profits that they have each year. I don't know. I don't know the early on, maybe not. You know, it's, it's, no, they're a very profitable company. Trust me. I looked it up. Okay. Well, they're doing the thing well.

They're doing the thing that they can do and they're doing it well. I've got another question if you want to hear that, John. I'm ready. It's from Kayla who asks, Dear Hank and John, I can't buy into the awesome socks club. It looks like it's already sold out. When will there be more awesome socks subscriptions?

Did you know awesome socks would be so popular? I'm yelling because I'm excited not angry. It would be helpful for listeners to know that that email arrived at us in all caps. Well, also lots of exclamation points. Yes, we did not know that it would be so popular. The awesome socks club for people who don't know is just a thing where we send you a pair of weird socks every week, a month, not every week. It's a sock at the month club.

It's not every week. It's every month of the month club. It's not every week. It's every month. And we did not know that it would be as popular as it was, and thus the first month's subscription sold out quite quickly. And we will get more of them in the future. And they will be available next month. I think this is a fantastic concept, a sock of the month club, because my main issue with socks is that I need about 12 pairs per year,

but I only think to buy about two pairs per year. So I'm perpetually living with outdated socks. Whether they're outdated because they're no longer fashionable, or because my toes are sticking out of the holes in the front. Yeah, my toes, man, my toes are sticking out of the holes in the front. Yeah, my toes, man, they're always sticking out of the holes in the front. I don't know what my problem is. And you know what weird thing, John? What we need Hank is YKK to design socks. Yeah, I smelt them out of brass. Yeah, that seems like a good plan. But yes, the sock of the month club will be back soon. In the meantime,

But yes, the sock of the month club will be back soon. In the meantime, dftba.com has lots and lots of things for you to enjoy. That art that. Yeah, just squeeze it in there. Also our Patreon's at patreon.com slash deerhankinjohn. We're starting the sponsorships a little bit early this episode.

All right, let's do another question. This one's from Allison. Did we already do it from Allison? This is the second Allison? I think it might have been a different Allison. Okay. Deerhankinjohn, do bugs ever have a destination when they walk around?

Last week in my math class, a beetle wandered all over the room, occasionally stopping to switch directions or look around for a bit. Are they searching for a home or do they have no idea where they're going? Thanks, Alison. Ha, ha, ha.

Alison, I mean, I don't want to cause an existential crisis or anything, but I'm pretty sure I could ask the same question of you. Interestingly, oh God. I wrote a high coup in college about this. Oh God. And it was about the human condition. Oh God, I'm already, I already feel like I'm staring at the sun and you haven't even recited it to me yet. I can't remember it.

I can only remember the last line, which was, it was some other form of Japanese poetry. So it wasn't the exact high coup form, but it was, does a grasshopper know where it will land when it jumps or something like that? Oh, well does it? No, I don't think so, no. It's particularly grasshoppers,

which do not jump to usually to get to a place. They jump to get away from a thing. So they're like, whatever, just go and fly in random ways so that the bird doesn't eat you. Right. Bugs don't have super advanced brains. Bugs don't have super advanced brains. Aren't, you know, they are more complicated than like a tree turning to look at the sun.

They do consider things and like have a number of different factors that they are, I think that they're weighing and they will use those factors to decide what to do and where to do the thing that they need to survive. And I don't, and I don't think that we know what all of those things are. So we don't really know what a bug is thinking about. What it's smelling, what it's looking at, what it's looking at, what it's like, all of the

inputs that it's weighing in order to maximize its chance for finding food or shelter or a mate, which are most of the things that bugs are looking for. But we do know, don't we, that ants, while they are not particularly smart individually, are pretty smart if you view them as a collective. Yeah, sure. So if you're talking about a bug that is responding to other cues from other bugs, then that's one of the main things

that's gonna cue them into behaving, which is like one ant found something good here and then it trailed a scent, like a pheromone trail back from that thing. So all the bugs are behaving in very specific ways, but there are also bugs that do not behave socially, and it is very weird to just think about what is that bug thinking?

There's that, what's the beetle doing? Where's it going? And also obviously you're not paying attention to math class at all. You're just staring at the bug. Maybe you should be paying attention to, you know, trigonometry over here. Cosines. I mean, the more, honestly, the more you said about what bugs are thinking and what causes them to go in this way or that, the more I think that if you just replace bug with human,

you have a pretty compelling argument about what humans do and why. Sure. Yes, somewhat. I think that we weigh more things, but we are in general less complicated than we think we are. Oh man, it's just, it, on an individual.

It makes me distraught. It also almost makes me want to tell my favorite joke, but I think I've told it before on this podcast. Oh, you sure have. Oh God, I love that joke. Um, all right, hey, let's move on to a different question. This one comes from Kathleen who writes, dear John and Hank, every time I'm at the dentist or orthodontist, I'm struck with the same conundrum.

Where do I look when the dentist has his hands in my mouth? Do I look into the powerful light above my head into the dentist's face at the ceiling or some other place? Any dubious advice is welcome, sincerely, Kathleen. You know what I thought was weird about this question, Hank, is that I think the answer to this question is super obvious. Oh wow, okay, I also do, but what's that I think the answer to this question is super obvious.

Oh, wow. Okay. I also do. But what's going to be a different answer than you? Are you sure? Because let's just say our answer. Okay. What do you do while the dentist has his hand in your mouth with your eyes? Let's answer on three. One, two, three, close your eyes. You didn't participate. Well, I was taking the question in a different way. I wasn't thinking about what you would look at, what you would do with your eyes. So you changed the question when you said what you would do with your eyes. And I was thinking you would just lose focus and stare into the darkness of your own mortality. Right, that's what you do when you close your eyes.

Like, that's actually you just literally defined what happens when one closes one's eyes. Every single time that I, when I'm at the dentist, I think that I, I sort of like just zone out and stare into the middle distance and then like, what, how did humans get here? How did we get to this point? Or like, I voluntarily exchange my only method of defined value for this level of discomfort. I, yeah, I would say that I get in the chair, I close my eyes extremely tight,

like the way a child closes their eyes when you say, like, oh, just close your eyes and go to sleep and they like screw their eyes shut as much as they can. I close my eyes that level, like very, very tense for like 45 minutes to an hour until I am told that it is time to leave the dentist's office at which point I open my eyes. The world is bright.

There is hope and a little bit of soreness and I leave the dentist's office as quickly as possible. I do my best to not be that freaked out, but I do like every time I'm at the dentist, like 85 or 90 times. I have to think to myself, okay, stop with the clenching of every muscle in your body. And I'm a pretty relaxed person, but it's just like no matter what, I'm like, eh, my shoulders go up and like my abs clench and I'm just like, and then I'm like, okay,

stop doing that. Why are you doing that? What do you think is going to make, how is that making things better? And then immediately after I stop thinking, everything crunches again. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't even think it's worth trying. You just close your eyes at the dentist's office, like don't look at anything. It's, I, I, yeah, I'm actually, I'm getting super stressed out answering this question. I want to move on to a different question. I haven't been, by the way, I haven't been to the dentist in like six or seven weeks, which is I think the longest I've gone without being a dentist in years and I'm so grateful. I'm also so mad at like 20 year old me for his terrible oral hygiene. Let's just move on to

another question. This one comes from Tim who writes, dear green brothers, well, that's a nice way to solve the deer, Hank, and John problem. I live in Germany and the government released a new emergency plan. This plan recommends that everyone should keep emergency rations of food and water for at least 10 days. Personally, I don't think there's a need to keep emergency rations and that this recommendation more so than anything else encourages fear of terror attacks. What do you think about this? Do you keep emergency rations at home?

Best wishes and and Guten Tag. I mean, I, I'm surprised, like, when I hear emergency rations, I don't immediately think only terror attacks. Certainly, that's one of the things. But what, I mean, what else is going to happen that's going to result in 10 days of food making a lick of difference. Um, the, like a giant solar flare that knocks out the entire electric grid of year. Right. I just don't think that that's going to get solved in 9 days. I think that having enough food in water for 10 days is going to dramatically increase Germany's chance of, of having that end without like a massive social upheaval. Can I ask you a follow-up question? How likely is a solar flare that knocks out power

to all of Europe or more importantly, all of the United States? Having it happen anywhere on Earth, in any given year, probably a one in 500 to one in 1000 chance. So way too likely. Yeah, that is too likely. It's terrifying. It is the reason that you should have-

All right, I'm gonna get myself some emergency rations immediately. Because right now all I have is like 196 Snickers bars. I mean, I think that could hold me over. Yeah, probably. I think your Snickers bars is probably just hold up. Stop eating them, leave them down the basement. I have water. I have water stored up because I can go a long time without food, John.

But you cannot go a long time without water. So I have no water stored up. I have nothing stored up. I should definitely go get some water. I mean, is this becoming a survivalist podcast? Because I always thought, my answer to this question was gonna be like, I agree with you, it's all fear-mongering, I'm 38 years old, I've never needed one-days rations, let alone 10 days.

And yet now I'm like, I need to go by 50 gallons of water immediately. I mean, I don't, you know, it's, it is an outside insurance plan. And the thing to know about it is that like what the government is Germany is asking for is probably a $200 investment that you make once every 10 years. And so it is a pretty inexpensive thing to do. And really what their goal is to increase the number of people that have this, so that when they're providing emergency

services during a giant solar flare or in the wake of some kind of, I mean, honestly, I don't think that a terrorist attack is going to create a need for that unless it's like somebody found an atomic bomb or something. It was just in the basement gathering dust that you, you know, like they're just trying to make emergency services easier if more people have the ability to take care of themselves for a little while. That makes life a lot easier for the services that the people who are trying to provide those services. Okay. All right. So there you go, ladies and gentlemen. Get yourself some water and some emergency

Snickers bars. I recommend no fewer than 378 at any given time. All right. Speaking of the Mars Company, this question is from Angie who asks, dear Hank and John, I work in a movie theater that sells like most theaters overpriced candy. All theaters, thank you very much Angie. And one of these candies just so happens to be peanut M&Ms. I noticed that many of the guests, God I love peanut M&Ms. I love them so much, that ordered this type of candy, call them M&Ms P-Nuts or M&M P-Nuts. Since I know that Hank is an expert in all things peanut

M&M's, I wonder if I was wondering if M&M peanuts is really unacceptable way of describing these candies. Have you ever heard of this John? I have never heard of it. I think it's a totally unacceptable way of describing peanut M&M's, but I just want to pause for a second and note that you are only asking this question Hank because you know that the Mars company sent me 378 Snickers bars, and you are desperate to try to get yourself some free M&Ms. I do love peanut M&Ms, so... But I also, before the podcast began, asked on Twitter, before we started recording, what

do you call M&Ms's that have peanuts inside? And five percent of people said M&M's peanut. And so weird. Yeah, so it's a thing. And then I asked, okay, if you're an M&M's peanut person, explain yourself. Did you just click in correctly? Or is that really a thing? And one person did indeed respond.

Let me find it real quick. And said, I call it Eminem's peanut. I guess it's a thing. Stop making me second guess myself. So it is a thing. Which by the way, fair enough. Like I think there are enough things going on in the average human life that being called to account over how you say peanut Emin&Ms probably isn't helpful.

But so I looked at the packaging of peanut M&Ms and it says M&Ms really big and then on the upper left hand corner and small type it says peanut. And so you could read that, you know, some left to right, top to bottom, peanut M&Ms or you could read it from like largest to smallest thing and say M&Ms peanut.

So it makes sense that there's a thing here. People are telling me that like, oh, it doesn't make sense one way and I'm like, okay, shush. It, whether it makes sense, like we know what you're talking about, it's not chromatically inconsistent. And maybe there is like an element of, you know, like where you put the adjective and where you put the noun, but like my Honda Civic isn't a Civic Honda. It's the brand name followed by the modifier.

So like it's the thing that happens. We do that. We do brand name followed by modifier sometimes. All right, so in short, you are in the end saying that either PNMDM's or MNMDM's should be seen as acceptable. Yes, except that the Mars company does indeed agree that they are PNM or MNM peanuts should be seen as acceptable. Yes, except that the Mars Company does indeed agree that they are PNM. Okay, well, I think the Mars Company should have the final say on this since they are our most important corporate sponsor.

Moving on, here's a question from Barbara who writes, dear John and Hank, I was intrigued to hear John pronounce another, like pronunciation question. I was intrigued to hear John pronounce orange with two syllables, but Hank pronounced it with only one syllable. In my house, the parents version is two syllables, but the kids version is only one syllable. I attribute this to the fact that I grew up in Ohio while my parents grew up on the East Coast, but the two of you lived together when you were small children, correct? So why the difference? Well, our mother is from the south. John spent a lot of time in the south growing up, and I did not.

And our father is more of a huesier, more of a Yankee. But I currently live in the Great American Middle West, and I've most of my speech now is Middle Western, not southern. So I'm surprised to know that we pronounce orange differently. How do you pronounce it? Orange. How do I pronounce it? Orange.

Orange. Orange. Orange. Orange. Orange. Orange. Orange. Orange.

How do I say it? I- Okay, I'm just gonna try to- I just going to try to say it in a sentence. I literally can't think of something that's orange. I do say it in two syllables. You're right, orange. Yeah. Okay, so I need to start saying it in one syllable so that the big lie will not be revealed Hank, which of course is that we are not actually brothers.

We are just business partners who have been made dinner this facade now for nearly a decade. I'm not really sure why I chose you for this, but whatever. That's why I always say, like, oh, you know, like I left for boarding school when Hank was 11. It's to make up for the fact that I have no memories of him from childhood because we were not in fact brothers.

Orange, did I say it right that time? You said it my way, yeah. That car is orange. Nope, it's so hard to say it my way. That car is orange. Nope, it's so hard to say it in one syllable. That car is orange. My Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award that I'm staring at right now is orange. It seems very weird to say it in one of the-

You got a Kids Choice Award? I do have a Kids Choice Award. I didn't mean to brag, but I do have one. I don't even remember what it's for actually. I should try and- I'm gonna guess the fault in our stars We got another question. I don't I think it's for I think it's for a book of some kind But yeah, go what's the point? I have to remind you John that the fault in our stars is indeed a book of some kind

Oh, right. I forgot that there was a book before the movie This one's from Zach who asks dear Hank and John I was listening to the episode where you guys discuss what time of day it's appropriate to say, have a good night, rather than have a good day, and it made me think of a problem that I have constantly here. How do I decide which phrase I should use to end a letter or email before signing my name? Who deserves a love Zach, rather than a from-zack, or sincerely Zach, or best wishes Zach, which Zach did not actually write?

It'd be great if you guys could lay out some ground rules for what closing phrase should be used in different relationships. Thanks for the help. Love from Sincerely Zach. I actually think that Hank and I are both pretty bad at this, so we're not great. We're not going to be great arbiters of this discussion. If I end any email with anything, it is just the letter H. Yeah, Amy Cross-Rosenthal has a bit in her new book about how annoying it is when people

sign off with just their initials from emails as if they don't have the energy to type the extra three characters that is their name. But I usually sign off, I usually sign off best wishes, but I think Zach, this is a great opportunity for you to develop like a personal signature, like a catchphrase that's sort of Zach-specific. Now this is of course a very risky game because most personal catchphrases are super cringy. You know what I mean, Hank?

You think that, wait, like, so should everybody be developing a personal catchphrase of their own or are we creating one that everyone should be using? I didn't really, I haven't really thought this bit through, so I'm open-minded. I'm just going through my email right now and seeing how I sign off my emails.

And it is, I often do type out Hank, but mostly my emails end with some modification of, does that make sense? It tends to be how I end all of my emails. I write a bunch of stuff, and then I'm like, am I crazy? What do you think? I don't know. Am I your boss? I'm not really. This is a good job. That is kind of how you end most of your emails. It's funny actually Hank, just a couple hours ago,

you sent me an email, but because of some kind of email handle mixup, it came from Julie's, our chief of operations. It came from Julie's, our chief of operations. It came from her email address, but it was so obviously written by Hank that I wrote her back and I was like, I think that Hank wrote this email and she was like, oh yeah, I gotta figure out

what just happened. So you do have an email style, but you don't have a sign off like Shazam. Right, right, right. I'm not saying it should be shazam. I'm just saying that is an email sign off. The other one that, so I have a friend who always writes yours, why are S, comma, return, return, and then their name, which I've always kind of liked, like it's sort of old-fashioned and weird,

but very specific, and then I have another friend who I shall not name, but is an extremely famous and successful author who always signs off their emails until Anon. Oh wow, every time. Every time, until Anon. And I don't really know what that means. What if it was like a cutesy, fun thing, like pumpkins and penguins?

Hank. Oh man, pumpkins and penguins. I mean, it's kind of cute, but when you're emailing the CEO of YouTube, do you really want to end it with pumpkins and penguins? Yes. Hey, Susan Wajitski. Hank Green here, hope all's well. Just a couple quick notes on the YouTube demonetization

crisis, pumpkins and penguins, Hank. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. I like it, I'm going with it. demonetization crisis, pumpkins and penguins hank. I like it. I'm going with it. I think it's a terrible idea and it could literally kill our business. I, which leads me to, I almost forgot about our sponsor this week, which is, of course, uh, pumpkin pumpkins and Penguins Association of America. Yeah. Pumpkins and penguins, they don't have a ton to do with each other, but we formed this organization for efficiency sake to advocate upon both of their behalf. I mean, what are like, what are the shared issues of pumpkins and penguins? I guess they're both concerned about climate change, like all species.

Yeah, sure. Uh-huh. Yeah, they don't... No, like all species. Sure. Uh-huh. Yeah. They don't, uh, no. Not really much. It's like a Raven and a Riding Dust kind of situation. Okay, Hank, I've got something that pumpkins and penguins have in common. They both waddle.

Like, pumpkins don't actually waddle, but you can tell that they would if they had feet. If you give them a little shove, they'll, they'll wobble at least, which is like waddle. Right. If you give them a little shove, they'll wobble at least, which is like Watt Lake. Right, so like the Penguins and Pumpkins Association of America is standing up for, you know, organisms rights to Wattle. And they both are composed of flesh. They have flesh inside of them. So they're a pump-trip.

The Penguins Association of America is pro-flesh and the preservation of flesh. Totally pro-flesh, and the preservation of flesh. Only pro-flesh. Yeah, and like not having your flesh scooped out from the inside so that you become a hollow corpse with a light inside of it, like that's another big issue for both penguins and penguins. You know, honestly, I have to say though,

that that's probably the only thing keeping the pumpkins industry alive. So they're probably really pro scooping out flesh and having a light placed inside where there used to be life. It's pretty vital to the continuation of the pumpkin as a species since it's such a terrible food. Yeah, did you know John that like the pumpkin mix at the store that you get to like make pumpkin pies with?

It is even made out of pumpkin. Because pumpkin is not. Pumpkins are disgusting, which by the way is another thing that pumpkins and penguins have in common. Their flesh is basically inedible. Oh yeah, yeah. Panguin flesh is not good. Did you know John that penguin flesh is so rich and fat that you can throw it? Like you can literally have a fire composed of only penguin flesh? Hmm. That is disturbing.

Let's move on to what else brought us this podcast today. Right, we were in the middle of that. Today's podcast is also brought to you by Eminem's Peanut. Eminem's Peanut, just like the Honda Civic. Just like it. Also advocated for by the Honda Civic and Eminem's Peanut Association of America. And also this podcast is brought to you by John's teeth.

Real bad because of bad decisions and mistakes that were made. And of course today's podcast is brought to you by the color or ranger, the color or ranger. No wrong way to say it. All right, John. Do you want to do another question? Yeah, let's do a quick one. This one is from Jazzlin who asks,

dear Hank and John, in the morning in my office, people walk past my desk quickly and ask, how are you, and then keep walking so that when I say the customary good, they are gone already. Right. This makes me feel bad. I've tried beating them to it,

but when I say, how are you, they say, how are you, and keep walking. Is this normal? What is the correct response to in office, how are you, they say, how are you? And keep walking. Is this normal? What is the correct response to in office, how are you? Yeah, I mean, this is normal, but it is also a huge problem. Yeah. I actually have a strategy for this that I think is pretty great. I don't usually like to tube my own horn,

but I feel like the way that I deal with this is pretty good, which is that I go with the preemptive great. Like people, like before they even finish the sentence, they're like, how are you great? Yeah, no, before they even say the how, right? So like the whole problem is that this person has walking past you, they're saying how are you, they don't actually care how you are,

but you wanna tell them how you are. So I just go with the preemptive great. I make eye contact while they're walking at me and then they start to open their mouths and you can see the hull in how being made with their mouths and you great. I like this. This is a sound, a sound military strategy, John.

It has taken it to another level. Can I ask a military strategy, John. It has taken it to another level. Can I ask a question? Kind of a bad day, broke my rib. Yeah, no, you should, like, I honestly, like, I think this is terrible. And there is so many things you could say that aren't that, that, like, express, like, a connection without, like, starting a connection without like

Starting a conversation that you have no intent of finishing. Why not just say good morning. Hello Mm-hmm, like why not just like I'm acknowledging you we've talked in a previous podcast Why people don't just say good morning. It's because it's extremely stressful I don't know you never know what time it is man You've got to know exactly what time it is to say good morning. Otherwise, you risk the 1202 retort. Like, you could just like be walking past Jazzlin and be like, Jazzlin, like you could just say the name. Like, like that's nice.

You know who I am. That's Bruce, also nice to see you. Right. I like that. That's my favorite interaction in an office place. It's just like, Jazzlin, Bruce, I love that. I think that's such a good. That's a solid conversation. It's two people who have acknowledged each other, who have named each other. It's great. Jazlin Bruce is the ideal office place banter.

But if somebody's gonna say how are you regularly to you and not listen to the answer, you've gotta like up the stakes and let them know that this isn't okay. And that's why you use the preemptive answer. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait. What about this? What about if we meld these two strategies and when someone says to Jaislin, how are you?

She says, Bruce. Yeah. Every time Bruce walks by and says, hey, hey, Jazzlin, how are you? She just says Bruce. It doesn't even have to be Bruce, just anybody. No, I think it's better if you say the person's name back to them. Because they are basically having completely different conversation than the one that you're involved in. They're just orienting it toward you. So why don't you just have a completely different conversation from the one that you're involved in. They're just orienting it toward you.

So why don't you just have a completely different conversation from the one that they're having and orient it toward them? Yeah, no, I like that. I like that. Oh, gross. But yeah, I just, if you're, I mean, I have, I don't like, this is weird.

Like when I walk past people's offices and we make eye contact, then I'm like, wave awkwardly as, but I don't wanna like stop on my way to contact, then I'm like, wave awkwardly as, but I don't wanna like stop on my way to the bathroom. I just like wave and like let my hand sort of trail behind me so they can continue seeing it as I wave. And then, oh, I hit my guitar. And then it was waving.

And then, and then like move on and continue moving, but I'm like, I don't wanna like stop and be like, Jazzlin, Bruce. Mm. Because I feel like, do you work? I don't wanna interrupt stop and be like, Jazzlin, Bruce. Because I feel like, do your work, I don't wanna interrupt you doing your work. I always, as I, no, as I walk down the hallway to my office, I just shout everyone's name. I'm just like, Zuleia, Sheridan, Mark, name authoritatively and then they think that you're managing them.

Rosieanna. Yes. Oh, man. That would be, if I looked into the SciShow studio, that would be real weird. That would be like, Lou, Caitlin, Stefan, Heroka, Sarah, Sarah. Megan. All right. I think that we have run this question into the groundhanger. It's time to move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Standing in the middle of room shouting people's names and then you walk out. Can I go first please?

Can I go first please? Can I go first? Can I go first? Can I go first? Is it good news? Yes, who won a game? Oh, was it not the team that was playing against AFC Wimbledon? That's right, it was not the team playing against AFC Wimbledon? That's right, it was not the team playing against AFC Wimbledon.

AFC Wimbledon emerged victorious in their first win of the League One season against Chesterfield, Sucket Chesterfield. How is Chesterfield placed in the table? They're 13th, so which by the way, is one spot ahead of the franchise currently playing in Milton Keynes. So yeah, and that victory hank means

that in six games, AFC Wimbledon have acquired five points, which doesn't sound great until you realize that it means they are no longer in the bottom four, which means that if the season ended today, they would narrowly escape relegation. Wow, I'm, I, that, I mean, if you guys can stay in the league one,

it's less fun up here, but I assume there's other advantages. Oh yeah, no, more money. In fact, AFC Wimbledon's gonna be on TV next month, thank proper British TV. And is that, like, are you gonna be able to spend money on players then? Is that the goal? Ah, I mean, listen, the game is about community.

So the goal has already been achieved because there's a great community around the club. But yeah, I mean, obviously you want to win games and move up in the leagues. And, you know, my dream is someday to see AFC Wimbledon in the Premier League again, but that's a long way from now. Need a new stadium among other things. But right now, I think the goal for this season is to stay in the third tier. By the way, somebody asked, why do you keep calling it League 1 if it's the third tier, which is a fascinating story?

So there's the Premier League, which is where like Chelsea and Manchester United play. That is the top league in England. The second league in England is helpfully known as the championship, which, you know, sounds like it's the best league, but it's the second best. And then the third league is known as League One on account of it being one league above the fourth league,

which is league two. Which itself is above the fifth league, which is called the conference national. It's a completely unhelpful tier system, but yeah, the third tier is league one. So hopefully next year we'll be in the championship, although a very long way to go for that to happen. Oh my. What's the news from Mars? Well, you know the coolest thing on the surface of Mars is the Mars Curiosity Rover, right John? I know that there is currently a minivan on Mars, yes. It's been driving around on the sort of like planes, maybe possibly former lake bed at the base of a mountain on Mars.

And it is headed up right now and it's sort of reached the edge of that mountain. And the plan is to have it go up the side of the mountain a little bit. But they may need to change the places that the Mars Curiosity River goes in order to avoid places where there is like suddenly we are realizing liquid water on Mars. So in the last year we basically realized that there are these weird formations that they recur and they are darkening of the Martian surface and that they are liquid water, sort of hydrates, you know, a weird chemical thing happening with salts and water. And we really do not, there's a, there's an international treaty that says you cannot take a

earthbound thing and have it touch liquid water on Mars. So stay as far away from that as you can. In the future, you don't want to like find life living in the water on Mars. So stay as far away from that as you can. In the future, you don't wanna like find life living in the water on Mars and be like, oh, life on Mars, but then be like, oh, but did we put it there accidentally when we drove the Curiosity Rover up to that liquid stuff? Right. Now, Curiosity could not actually drive up to and test,

even if it wanted to like do science on this. I think that would be amazing, but it can't, because all of the areas where this happens are very very steep and the steepness sort of is required for them to to happen and all in the level of slope that would require it be required for these RSLs these water streaks to happen Curiosity could not exist on that level of thing.

It would flip over. So we aren't gonna have that happen, even if we wanted it to happen, but the current path is through an area where there are actually tons of these, which is interesting because like two years ago, we didn't know they existed at all, and now we're like, oh, Mars is covered in them.

So it actually has to kind of be careful, and we may need to redraw the path that we thought curiosity was going to go on to make sure that it doesn't get too close to any of this, you know, liquid water on Mars, which is an amazing, weird thing to have to deal with, and a very exciting thing to have to deal with. And it's also just exciting that that Curiosity is now heading into a very different part of the geology of the area that it landed in and is going to keep finding all kinds of new stuff. And it has moved so far since it arrived on the planet.

And it has a lot more to go. So how many miles has it moved so far? It's traveled more than 10 kilometers. I don't know exactly how long miles has it moved so far? It's traveled more than 10 kilometers. I don't know exactly how long it has gone, but that's like six miles. Yeah, no, I can run that in an hour, but I understand I'm not on Mars. I understand it's harder.

It is harder, and it's, yeah. And they've been doing science as they've gone. They've paused. It's not like it's been running at a breakneck pace across the Martian surface for you know three years No, but mostly sits mostly sits around And doing doing stuff taking pictures drilling holes shooting things with Mars lasers Well, I mean I just I just hope it keeps doing its work alone on that planet until round about 2028.

All right, John, what do we learn today? Well, we learned that Hank and John say orange differently or possibly orange or orange. Indicating that, we may not be brothers and are just strangers who make videos together. possible. It's possible. We learned that John has bad teeth and a bad, bad systems for dealing with stress at the dentist's office. A bunch of, I have a bunch of flaws. And of course, we learned that Zach should sign off all of his emails, even those to the CEO of YouTube, Pumpkins and Penguins.

And of course, finally, we learned that if you want to secretly learn to play fiddle for three years before surprising all of your family, it is going to have to be a fairly elaborate prank that we really want to see executed. Oh man, he is my hero. just I want this to happen so bad. I I was gonna say I've never wanted anything this bad, but that's just not true. I've wanted I've wanted many many many things worse, but I do want it. I do want it so bad. Um, for Pia and for the world. I do want to say, P, if this doesn't end up happening, we will not be disappointed in you.

That's fine. There's many things that you want to get done in your life, and this is only one of them. I just, no, but, you know, the reason I think P is gonna have, almost by definition, an extraordinary life and is because of the first sentence, the confidence with which she wrote that first sentence, how do I tell my family that I have secretly learned to play the fiddle?

At this point, in her mind, the three years she's going to have to spend learning to play the fiddle, she's already done that basically. Oh, God. Okay. Well, thank you for listening to today's podcast. If you want to support the podcast directly and get access to monthly live shows with Hank and me, you can do so at patreon.com slash deerhankajon. We really appreciate all the support.

This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our intern, it is her last week, is Quadie Morales. Thank you so much, Quadia, for all your great work on deerhankajon. Rosy Ganna-House Rojas helps us out with the questions. Our theme music is by Gunnarola. And I just want to say thank you to all the people who have written lyrics to Hank and John have got it going on. I've seen, I think, see the four of them so far.

And I- We'll include a couple of the best YouTube videos on the Patreon that you can go check out, because there are some wonderful versions of Hank and John have got it going on involving us and our purple tanks. Also I should say that you should you can email us at Hank and John at gmail.com or follow us on Twitter Hank is Hank Green I'm John Green you can also follow Hank on Snapchat where he is Hank g re and of course if, if you're going to follow anyone on Twitter, it should be Leon Mus at Leon Mus number four Earth. Leon Mus four Earth.

No one is working harder to keep humans an Earth only species until at least 2028. Alright, I think that just about does it, John? And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. Bye. Bye.