Dear Hank & John - 66: A Great Bit of Oratory

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

How do I keep enjoying music I enjoyed with an ex? How do I recover from being doused in bull semen? What are my responsibilities when people ask me to watch their stuff? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Yours up for the Think of it, Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast for me and my brother John. We will answer your questions, give you Dubie's advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hey John, how are you doing? You know, I never prepare an answer to that question, even though you ask it every single week.

I should probably spend like 30 to 40 seconds before we start recording the podcast, considering how I'm doing. I'm fine. I don't know. I've just got back from... You want to tell me a story? Yeah, tell me a story. I just got back from London. So I'm a little bit jet lagged, but we had a wonderful, Sarah and I had a wonderful trip to London. We saw lots of art. We were there for the art assignment with,

got to film an art assignment with the guerrilla girls, one of the great art collectives of the 20th and 21st centuries, which is incredibly exciting. That was super cool. Just getting to hang out with them is amazing and super cool. And other than that, I mean, I guess the big news from my trip to the UK other than the news that's going to come at the end of the podcast and the form of news from AFC Wimbledon is that on my sixth day in England after having spent more than $100 on data,

I did catch Mr. Mime. I don't know what Mr. Mime is. Oh, that's a Pokemon. Is that a Pokemon? Yeah, mine is. Oh, that's a Pokemon. Is that a Pokemon? Yeah, there's there. It's the Pokemon that you can only catch in Europe. Oh, man. That is a terrible thing that they have done to people visiting Europe because you could be looking at Europe and instead you're looking for a special Pokemon. But I guess it's all part of the... Oh, I mean, I... Hank, when I found that Mr. Mime on the banks of the river next to the Tower of London, I, it took me 20 Ultra Balls, 20 Raspberries, I was sweating, I was like shaking and sweating, each time he would pop out thinking, God, please don't run away, Mr. Mime, please don't run away.

By the way, I don't know if you've ever seen a Mr. Mime Pokemon, they are distressing, Mr. Mine, please don't run away. By the way, I don't know if you've ever seen a Mr. Mine, Poguon, they are distressing looking. They are extremely disturbing. They're part of the scary clown movement of 2016. Anyway, when I finally caught him, I honestly, like, I didn't start crying, but I did feel the welling up that you feel before you start crying.

And then I was like, you've got to find some other meaning to your life, man. Well, I'm not playing Pokemon Go in months. I have not played a video game in months. I am just trying to get all the things done before I become a dad. And at that moment, I will stop making dear hankajuns for a while. So, I'm not playing Pokemon Go in months. I have not played a video game in months. I am just trying to get all the things done before I become a dad.

And at that moment, I will stop making deer hankajuns for a while. So I hear that you may have some special guests coming up. I mean, we've got some great guests. It's going to be super fun during your paternity leave. But we also might end up skipping a couple weeks just because I also have a little bit of personal and professional business to attend to, but no, it's going to be, you're going to have an awesome paternity leave. My only concern is that you won't want to come back to work. Yeah, I also have that concern. I am worried about leaving it all behind, and I think that's natural and normal, and I think it'll all be okay, though. It'll all be okay.

You're not gonna wanna leave it all behind. Babies are too stressful and overwhelming to spend 24 hours a day with anyway. Hey, would you like a short poem for the day? Yeah. This poem comes from WHOA Jordan. It's one of the short poems in his poem, Three Short Poems, is recommended by a listener,

quite like it. Leaning out over the dreadful precipice, one contemptuous tree. Mm. I love those trees, John. I do too. Whenever I go, whenever I go, tube and down the Clark-Fork River,

or the Blackfoot, sitting in a overinflated tire tube with some beers and some friends. I always love looking at those trees that are just like, I'm gonna do this. It shouldn't be, I shouldn't be here. It can't be possible, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Yeah, there is nothing like a tree clinging to a riverbank, in my opinion. It just, it captures everything about human life. Yeah, it's remarkable. It's something, because you also gotta know that,

that tree is just, it's only doing it cause it can, and it can, so it's doing it. That's how trees work. Right, I would argue that might be how we work too. Let's answer a question from our listeners. All right, this one is from Maria who asks, dear Hank and John, when a stranger in a coffee shop asks you to keep an eye

on their stuff while they go to the toilet, what are they really asking of you? Are you supposed to chase after a thief and tackle them to the ground or just yell at anyone who gets too close? Are you supposed to watch the stuff get stolen and then when they get back from the bathroom just point at the empty space where the stuff was

and say, somebody took it. I'm always asked to do this job and I am never ready for the responsibility. Are there any realistic expectations of me or do people just ask in order to give themselves slightly more peace of mind while they pee? All right, I got two responses to this Hank. The first thing is that Maria this speaks very highly of you as a person because

the I am never asked to watch people's stuff when I'm in a coffee shop and I always wonder Why? Why don't they ask me and I've decided it's because they don't like the look of me and they think that they'll be advertising that their stuff is going to be easily acquirable for the next couple of minutes. Or maybe it is have that look, John, that like, please do not talk to me look. I mean, I definitely do try to put that look on

in the coffee shop. I'm not gonna lie about that. The other thing that I would say though is that in my opinion, and Hank, I don't know if you're gonna disagree with me, look. I mean, I definitely do try to put that look on in the coffee shop. I'm not gonna lie about that. The other thing that I would say though is that in my opinion, and Hank, I don't know if you're gonna disagree with me, when you agree to watch someone's stuff while they are peeing, you are agreeing for that time to treat that stuff as your own.

Yeah, yeah. That's pretty much what you are being asked to do. And if somebody comes and looks at it, you look at them and they're like, well, I'm going to go thief somewhere else. Because that's really like coffee shop thevery is very based upon like approaching stuff and then looking to see if anyone looks at you.

And if someone looks at you, you veer to the side and you're like, oh, that Danish, I should go get a Danish at the coffee bar shop place. You know, distressingly large amount about coffee shop theory. Well, it's, you know, I've had stuff stolen from me in bars and coffee shops and it occurs to me how that, like, I've been, it is like, how did that happen? Oh, here's how it happens.

And you know, you just sort of walk it up to the stuff as if it's yours and if somebody looks at you like, that's not yours, then you were like, oh, I, this is not my stuff. In fact, there was recently a case in my neighborhood of people just walking into people's back doors and stealing stuff. And several times they walked into people's houses, and the people were home, and they said, hello.

And then the people who walked in said, is this Dean's house? I thought this was Dean's house, and they're like, no, it's not Dean's house, and they said, hello. And then the people who walked in said, is this Dean's house? I thought this was Dean's house. And they're like, no, it's not Dean's house. And then they walked away. But they caught them because all those people saw their faces and they just kept doing it. It's suspiciously bad, seaving.

And it turns out theft is often done by people who are not particularly good at theft. Right, so long story short, Maria, to get back to your question. If something really got my word, he says, is this Dean's stuff? You should say no. You should treat that Dean's job as your own during the pee. And that is your obligation to that stuff. If you agree to be that person, Hank, can we move on to another question? I'm shocked. You didn't ask the question. I'm about to ask as the first question of the day because it is clearly the most important.

All right, you go ahead and tell me your question, John. You know which one I'm referring to, don't you? No, I don't. Yes, you do. This comes from Emmy, and she writes, dear John and Hank, oh, that's that one. I work at a package distribution center loading the trucks that go out for delivery, and we often get these large containers which are full of bullsemen I live in Montana, so this is not weird. I mean that is I live in Montana too, Emmy and I have never seen a large canister of bullsemen, but continue

I live in Montana, so this is not weird. I mean Receiving a large canister of bullsemen is never not weird. I don't care if you work in a bullsemen processing factory. It's still weird. Anyway Yesterday one of these canisters had been incorrectly sealed. Oh God and was not placed on the conveyor belt very carefully double Oh God as a result the the canister fell off the belt burst open and when and when it hit the floor, I was doused in bullseeing. This was unfortunate. I mean, that's a really good use of understatement. There are things that are unfortunate,

and then there's getting doused with bullseemen at work, which I believe is the kind of thing that you can like, I believe you could file a lawsuit anyway. I had to use the emergency shower at the facility. Yeah. I took another shower when I got home. Since then, I have taken two more showers.

And despite knowing that I really have nothing to worry about at this point, I still don't feel clean. I'm debating just sort of covering myself in Purell, or maybe taking a Purell bath. Do you think a Purell bath is a good idea? And if not, what would you suggest instead? And she signed it in haste. And by the way, I have so many questions. I have so many questions.

I'm just into writing a really wonderful email. Emmy has permanently solved the question of how you end your emails. He's always in the in haste. Oh my goodness. I have so many questions. I, so I know a little bit about, about semen and I know that it is not stable and so it has to be cooled in order to keep it alive

and usually like, in any biological sample, you usually put it into liquid nitrogen. And so I'm curious whether Emmy was in fact dosed in bullsemen, like cause if it's going out for transport, it's gotta be cooled. So maybe I don't know. It seems unlikely to me that there would be

a vat of just semen on it's own, but I don't know the specific to the situation. It seems like Emma knows what she's talking about. She obviously had to use the emergency shower, the facility, that it doesn't seem like it's a made up story. But I don't know what you made up. I don't have any advice for what to do. I mean, I think the right thing to do is the contamination

that you feel, Emmy, is not a biological contamination, right? Like, you're fine. Yes. But you did have what is an objectively horrible thing happened to you, and it's going to take as long as it takes to forget about it. But I don't think that you will be permanently harmed. You're not going to have a human cow child.

Everything is going to be fine. It's just a very... I also, however, do not want to minimize how incredibly bad this is. It is very bad. It is a 10, it is a 10 bad. You, it is bad. I don't, it's a very bad situation. You're having a lady, a lady McBeth moment.

You're having an out-damned spot. Out, I say, damned spot moment. And the and the spot is not blood in this case and it and it's not cloth It's your self and it's both Out-tempt that's might be my favorite Shakespeare reference you've ever made Hank also the only Shakespeare reference you've ever made Very very likely I had to Google it. Oh God That's why you were so suspiciously quiet. That wouldn't, I mean, let's just pause. I wonder if there's something. I mean, I just, oh man, really, I can't even finish a sentence right

now Hank, it's so upsetting to me to even consider. But I wanted to read that email primarily because of the parenthetical aside, I live in Montana, so this is not weird because now every time I come and visit you Hank I'm gonna be like you guys got bullsemen in the fridge. What's going on? Yeah, where's uh? Yeah, I feel like I'm yeah, I mean obviously the DFTBA warehouse handles bullsemen. It's a warehouse in Montana So we do right We do the shirts. We do the posters and then we have the bullsemen area Well, no, yeah, I mean obviously it's got to be it's your number one internet source We do the posters and then we have the bullsemen area. Well, no, yeah, I mean, obviously, it's gotta be, it's your number one internet source for

Rhett and Link Mugs, we easy-weighter T-shirts, and of course, freeze-dried bullsemen. Yeah, it's branded, it's DFTBA brand bullsemen. And you can get it now, dftba.com. It comes from, my understanding is that it, you know, it comes from a very specific kind of awesome cow. Yes, it comes from a very awesome cow that did not forget to be awesome. It's called a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, Boo. Ha ha ha ha ha. Boo. I no longer want to pod with you.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. A giant so hard. But let's move on. Okay, I apologize. I apologize. This one's from V. It's a more serious question. We talked about this a little bit before we even began the pod. Before we started recording. Dear Hank and John, I'm a Hillary supporter but my boyfriend really dislikes her to the

point of supporting Trump. Now normally, I deal that line up with Trump's would be a deal breaker for me, but his reasoning is that Trump doesn't care about the things that he's saying and won't actually implement any of the policies that he says he will. I don't want to break up this 5-year relationship for something so stupid, especially since he's wonderful and caring and thoughtful. It's our first election year,

and I've seen people on Facebook just unfriending people because they disagree with them. How do I navigate political disagreements while maintaining our relationship? I don't know. You were the one that highlighted this question. God, I take it back. I don't know how You were the one that highlighted this question. God, I take it back. I don't know how to address this question.

It's just so hard. I mean... I just... Hank... I feel very lucky that I want to wake up on the morning of November 10th, man. Yeah. Yeah, hopefully it will all be decided then. I just, I have flashbacks to 2000 all the time.

But yeah, I feel very lucky that I share a house in a life with someone who I agree with on most political things, not all certainly, but I don't know how I would handle that. And especially this year when it seems to be deeper than policy, much deeper than policy in terms of the way that it's been disgusted. And the... Well, yeah, there aren't even any policy discussions at all at this point. Yeah.

I mean, we're hearing almost nothing about policy or different ideas about how to run the country. Instead, we're hearing that the other is a demon or has hatred in their heart or whatever. And it's really difficult in that kind of political climate to love someone who disagrees with you about the stuff that feels fundamental to who you are and I don't have a great solution to that.

I wish that we could talk about policy in a way that was civil. But I also understand why lots of people find that difficult. Asking somebody to have a civil conversation with someone who says, I don't believe that you should have certain rights is difficult. Like, it's a very difficult thing. Yeah, it's, when your ideology is an attack, it is very difficult not to begin the conversation feeling attacked. And I think that a lot of people feel that on both sides, whether that's real or not, I think that it's almost preferred by the people

who are trying to get people out to vote, that you do feel that way. And sometimes that is a hundred percent legitimate. That motivates. And sometimes it is that motivates and sometimes it's sometimes it is manufactured and it's hard to tell the difference between those things and sometimes it's only partially manufactured. But I don't know. I don't I I read a recent study that you know of all the differences people have between each other parents of children say that they of all like religion

race uh... other ideological stuff like the the thing that they don't want is for their child to marry some one of a different political party and that's like wow okay and i and like and when i think about it i yeah, okay, I can see how that's the case. And that's really tough. It's tough, tough, tough. Yeah, I think it's really hard. I think you just have to try to find ways to have open conversations.

Lots of people are in marriages where this is a disagreement. And so just because Hank and I don't do it, doesn't mean it's not possible. It just seems difficult to us. I also did recently see a study that 45% of Trump's support, of men who support Trump think that their wives are voting for Trump and 33% of them actually are. So there is a certain number of people who just don't know and don't discuss it. And I think that that is troubling. And I think that the main truth. I don't know. I think that's fine. People, I'm not going to judge these on somebody else's marriage. I agree. But I think the main thing is that you guys understand your values and those values are

compatible with each other. If this is like a caring, nothing person, then we all want the best thing. You know, if you guys want the similar things and you want the best thing for each other, then, you know, I don't know. It's so hard to even say the words that we're gonna come after that sentence, but they're there implied. John, do you wanna ask anyone's question?

I'm gonna ask. That was a great, I was just a great bit of oratory Hank. I wonder if I could have the 200 most recent words I was just a great bit of oratory Hank. I wonder if I could have the 200 most recent words you said tattooed onto my body for the rest of my life. If you just, if you, you know, I don't know, thank you. I just, I wanna have that tattooed on my body. Yeah, well, I've heard presidential candidates say things that may less sense. Not, very recently.

Not since Cicero have I been so moved by a speech. Okay, I'll answer Caitlin's question. This question comes from Caitlin, who writes, dear John and Hank, I'm hoping you can solve a pervasive etiquette issue. I'm a young, able-bodied person, and also a germaphob, and have always

flushed public toilets with my feet. No matter how high or difficult to reach the flush button or handle. I do not put my bare hand on it. I was taught to do this as a kid and never thought about it until I broke my ankle and couldn't lift my foot to flush. It dawned on me then that millions of people aren't able to balance or lift a foot and have to put their hands not only on a toilet flusher but on one that other people like me are constantly rubbing bathroom floor germs on from their feet. So what is the proper etiquette here? Kaelen I had a friend when I was in college who was in a wheelchair for whole I, her whole life, she's still in a wheelchair. And I, one day, was it a crosswalk,

and they have those little crosswalky buttons that you push to make the light turn. And I, in my gymnastic self, jumped up, kicked that button and did a little spinny just to have some fun. And she looked at me and was like, don't do that. And I was like, why? And she was like, I have to touch that with my hand. And now you've footed it.

You did the foot thing do it. And I've ever said to them, and like, of course, I was like, oh my god, I'm on the worst. But of course, it's not something that we're always thinking about. And that's fine. But I will say, bundle up a piece of toilet paper and push down on the thingy and then

throw the toilet paper in the toilet and you don't have to touch it with your foot or your hand. Another thing that I do is I just don't use my finger tips because it's really the fingertips that are the problem. Just try not to ever put your fingertips on any surfaces because you're not going to be able to stop your fingertips from touching your face. So just make sure your fingertips only touch your palms.

That's what I try to do when I'm in public spaces. That seems normal. Okay, John, we've got another question here. I think that that's the appropriate thing. It's from Riley who asks, to your hank of John, how old is too old to go trick or treating? I'm a junior in high school how old is too old to go trick or treating? I'm a junior in high school and I am too old to go trick or treating.

And I feel like that's my too old. That's too old. That's too old. But I don't feel too old to be trick or treating. Also last year I went in some of the houses gave out full-sized candy bars to older kids out there. So I feel like this has been encouraged a little. Any dubious advice is greatly appreciated. Where do you live?

That they're giving out full-sized candy bars to encourage people to trick or treat older. Oh my goodness. Seriously, Riley's life in the Big Rock Candy Mountain sounds awesome. However, Riley, I mean, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you have not gone trick or treating for the last time in your life. The bad news is that you have gone trick or treating for the last time in your life until you have children.

And they will be a different kind of joy that you will experience than I imagine. I, uh, I, I can imagine. No, it's the same joy. You can still have their candy. They don't even notice. Especially when they're like two, I mean, they start to notice when their, like, Henry would probably notice now, but I could still have about this. This is a great question.

She'd be none the wiser. When is too young to go trick or treating? Because I'm going to have a child on October 23rd. Can I like walk around like dressed up my little nugget as like a chicken nugget and go to be like, trick or treat and then take a bunch of candy for myself is it time? Am I am I ready to trick or treat again?

No, I suspect actually one of the things they're gonna tell you at the hospital, Hank, is that you should not be parading your eight-day-old child around outside in the freezing, non-dantic-old, introducing that child to strangers. Oh, you're fine. But a candy, John. I'll give the kid a little bit of the candy,

but I'll take most of it. Well, you, first off, you cannot give an eight-day-old child candy. I feel like maybe you didn't read the baby books that I said you. I'll mash up the Snickers bars. I'll mash them up real good. Mix them with some mother's milk and a blender. Nope, that'll be great.

No, nope, nope. Nope, nope. It's like you don't even have an awareness of how they eat. But anyway, it's all gonna be fine. But let's get back to Riley. Riley, I think that I think it's time to say goodbye to trick or treating. And I know, I know it's hard. I actually remember feeling really sad. But I think if you quit now, it will feel better. You know what you can do instead is you can give out the candy at your house.

And the other thing that, yeah, it's so cute. Yeah, it's so cute. It's so cute. Oh, you get to see all these little kids and they come to your house and one of them dressed as Napoleon and you're like, oh, that's so cute, you're Napoleon.

And then he's like, I'm Louis XIV and then you're like, don't be pedantic. It's fun. Like, why are you being a jerk about the fact, I'm Louis XIV, and then you're like, don't be pedantic. It's fun. Like, why are you being a jerk about the fact that you're Louis XIV and set an Napoleon? Like, I'm not a French historian, eight-year-old child,

and also, like, what's wrong? You're being terribly parented that you would even think to make that correction to somebody who's giving you candy. I'm sorry. I've lost the threat of the conversation. I mean, Louis XIV doesn't look anything like Napoleon. Okay, so you could not, I'm so disappointed

you for making that mistake to that poor child who has obviously had a great Louis the 14th. Hank, no, no, that's exactly where you're wrong. The kid's Louis the 14th costume was terrible. Obviously, if you've got a high quality Louis the 14th costume, I'm gonna know it's Louis the 14th costume was terrible. Obviously, if you've got a high quality Louis the 14th costume, I'm gonna know it's Louis the 14th. This kid, he was wearing what was essentially like a French military uniform

from what I was guessing was the 19th or 18th centuries. So like, I don't remember seeing King Louis the 14th dressed up. I remember seeing him dressed up in like royal garb, not looking like he's in the military. Who's the obvious French military person from Madera? Obviously it's Napoleon Bonaparte. So anyway, I'm still a little mad about it as you can tell. Yeah, the problem is I thought that you had made up a story and you had no No, no, no, no, this is a real story. I do not like being corrected by strangers. I don't know if you can tell.

So that an ongoing theme of dear John and Hank. Oh my God. Yeah, Riley, you need to be handing out the candy rather than walking around and getting it. But I will tell you an amazing secret, which is that when you become the person who buys the trick or treat candy, rather than the person who goes around

scrounging from a house to house trying to score the occasional full size Snickers bar. When you become the person who buys the candy, you can intentionally over buy candy. Oh, I mean, you can also accidentally over buy candy, which is the only thing I have ever done as a person who gives away Candy. I mean, I always have so much fun. I would argue that you get way more Candy by being the Candy purchaser than by being a trick or treacher. You also get the exact Candy you want.

Exactly, that's right, you don't have to be, you don't have to like rummage through all the skittles and the smarties to try to find that one Reese's peanut butter cup or I guess I should stay on brand that one mini Snickers. You can just choose to get 100% mini Snickers. Yeah. Oh man, I get the Mars pack that's the Snickers, the three Musketeers and the Milky Way's

because I love the variety. But I love, you know, if it's just me on a regular day, I want a Snickers, but if I'm gonna have a bunch, then I want to mix it up. Yeah. Well, I will say that I agree with you, Hank, that Mars is the best candy company. What? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- It's also the second best planet. Oh, I mean, I guess.

I don't know. Doesn't like Alpha Centauri have a planet in the habitable zone? I might be for that one first. One last thing I wanna say about Halloween Hank. There's this golden age that I think Riley is just entering where you don't have to wear a Halloween costume.

And then you get to college and you start having to wear Halloween costumes to go to Halloween parties. And then when you're in your 20s, you have to go to Halloween parties. And then all of a sudden you have to start wearing Halloween costumes because you have kids and they expect you to dress up. Like Henry wants to dress up as a Pikachu. He wants me to dress up as a Pokemon trainer. And like, I don't want to do that,

but I also don't want to be a terrible father. So I would say Riley enjoy these few years of not having to dress up because you're going to have, like basically you're going to go straight from the Halloween party scene, probably to the Halloween parenting scene. And then you're gonna have to wear a costume essentially every Halloween until you're like 60. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I had not occurred to me that you have to wear. So have to wear a costume as an adult parent person. I assume that that stops at like 10 or 12 when it stops being like a couple's thing, like a father's son thing, you just, you know, they go out on their own, would dress however they want. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe by the time I'm 45 years old,

I won't have to wear Halloween costume every Halloween. But I'm just saying, if I were Riley right now, I would be grateful for the break. Well, that brings us to our sponsorship, John, which comes from the Pokemon trainer costume of choice available now at that terrible pop-up store in your town where they sell things that are the worst quality of anything you've ever experienced

for slightly more than they're worth. And of course, today's podcast is also brought to you by DFTBA Bullseeman, DFTBA Bullseeman, your number one source online for ice cold bullseeman, available now at dftba.com. This podcast is of course also brought to you by Purell, which will come in handy when the canister of bullseeman arrives at your house,

structurally not intact. We apologize. Please contact DFTBA Helpdesk if you ever have problems with your bullsemen. We do apologize in advance for the fact that 100% of the bullsemen canisters we send out have been improperly seen. And lastly, today's podcast is brought to you

by Louis XIV. Louis XIV, just to be clear, he was not a general. Yeah, he was gotta have all the animal furs and the velvet. That's what you're looking for for Louis the 14th child, pedantic child, and never come to John's house again. Do you want to do another question, John? Seriously, I do not wanna see you this year. I will recognize you forever.

And I'll be like, hey, what's up? Napoleon. And that's from now on. Okay, Hank, let's answer a few more questions for my listeners. Do you wanna do a more serious one or a more sciencey one, John? Uh, I wanted to... well, it's my turn to ask a question for the record.

Oh, fine. Fine, you go then. This question comes from Claire who asks, dear John and Hank, I'm in the process of getting over a breakup and I'm having trouble. Whenever I hear songs that we bonded over, I think of him and it saddens me. I still enjoy these songs and don't want to remove them from my life. One cannot simply remove Hamilton from life. But how do I reclaim them to make them my own instead of ours? Oh man, I don't know because I still can't listen to Rush.

I mean, how do you go on? Actually, I can't listen to Rush. I did not go out with that girl for very long, but she loved Rush. And I listened to a lot of Rush for those couple months, and purely because of her interest in Rush. And now I realize that I don't like Rush, so that worked out really well for me, actually.

Yeah, but Rush is not Hamilton Hank. Like this is Hamilton that we're talking about. Hamilton has been taken away from Claire. The greatest musical of our time and possibly anytime is suddenly not available to her, and that is a real bummer. Yeah, this actually happened to be with a clash album that I listened to a lot, not while with a person,

but during a breakup. And I don't know why, but I just listened to this clash album like over and over. And I love the clash. And whenever one of those songs comes on the radio, I think about those bad times. And yeah, even with all of the exposure I have had, because it's not like these songs don't

in or end of my life, it still happens. So I don't have a good answer for you. Yeah, I mean, I've got bad news for Claire, which is that I don't think there's any ever, ever, any way to totally extricate those songs from their original context in which you listen to them. Like, when I listen, there's this band I love, they change names over the years, the palace brothers, Bonnie Prince Billy, will hold them. You've listened to some of their music, haven't you Hank? Yeah.

In fact, I know that you've been listening to their music because it's been coming up in my YouTube recommended Area. Oh, yeah, I've been listening to this YouTube playlist. I created when I'm for working on my new story called Adolescence That's not really songs for my adolescence But it's songs that make me feel the way the songs from my adolescence made me feel because unfortunately the actual songs from my adolescence Do not make me feel that way Oh, man. That's a good project for Austin Perk right there. The link to that playlist. Oh, it's a pretty personal playlist, but yeah, I guess we could do it as a project for Austin Perk. Anyway, I have been listening to this one song over and over and over again,

called We All Us Three Will Ride by Will Oldham when he was recording his Palace Brothers. And I have probably heard that song 300 times in the last month and all 300 times I have thought about the same freaking girl. So I do not have any good news for Claire at all. I just wanted to read the question so that I could tell you that story. Oh my God. Well, it sucks. Getting your heart broken sucks, breaking up sucks. There's nothing else you can say about it. It does get better over time, but it sucks. It's very sad. Yeah. Oh man, I'd hate to have that happen to Hamilton. I'm so happy to, you know, a lot of people are like,

you know, you've been with a person for a certain amount of time and gets a little bit boring. Boy do I love that. I love security and comfort in the knowledge that I love this person and she loves me and. Oh yeah. It's so good. It's so good.

Oh, marriage is the best. I mean marriage is just the best. It's the most underrated of the major institutions. Yeah. Yeah, and I think that it's good to recognize that and feel good in it. You know what's the most overrated institution? Dating? Because that sounds awful. That brings us to our next question. This question comes from Mikhail, who asked, dear John and Hank, I went on a Tinder date recently.

I just want to pause and look up into the heavens and literally thank God that I got married before the Tinder era began. Although I will say I have a friend who shall remain nameless who occasionally lets me take control of her let's say and I take control of her Tinder and it is super fun to swipe left and right. Anyway I went on Tinder recently and when I met him I went in for a hug. Hugs don't normally give me, but while I went in for a hug, he stuck out his hand for a handshake, which resulted in my arms being wrapped around him,

and his arm poking and probably permanently damaging my liver. Two questions. One, which is more appropriate for a first date, a handshake or a hug? Two, how do you extract yourself from this situation? Pumpkins and penguins. Gah! So many pumpkins and penguins. Gah! So many pumpkins and penguins.

Mikael. Um, Hank, I have to say that I am not, I don't really understand how Tinder dates work, so I don't know if the hug or the handshake is the right call on a Tinder date, but on a, in my era of internet dating, back in the literal, in the literal turn of the millennium, my era of internet dating back in the literal, in the literal turn of the millennium, my era of internet dating,

I almost always went in for the handshake because I didn't really know this person yet. Yeah, yeah, I feel like if you don't, I don't usually hug a person the first time I see them unless there's some good reason to. I, well, it depends, I don't know how, I don't know Well, it depends. I don't know how to start. I don't know how to start. I don't know how to tight you get with somebody on Tinder before you go on your first

date. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Like, if you have a really good sort of like text, texting, that's happening, then yeah, maybe going for the, for the, for the hug. But in general, I think the first time you meet somebody a handshake is a good low barrier, non-intense way of connecting. And I think it'd be weird if you just waved and sat down. I think a handshake is good. Sometimes I totally do the wave and sit

down thing. If I'm not looking to have my fingertips touch another human being, I'm not afraid to wave and sit down. Yeah, and it's all fine. And I think that the important thing is that, so there's sort of like a sliding scale and you disrespect the person who's on the side of least contact, like just like try and read them. And that's really what this question for me is about, like how do you handle it when you do the arms wide thing

and they do the handout thing? And. You hand check, you absolutely hand check. Yeah, you got a like show. How do you handle it when you do the arms wide thing and they do the handout thing? And... You hand-check, you actually hand-checking that. You gotta like, but it's always gonna be, but also like recognizing, like, ah, did the thing. Because everybody does it, it's not like a thing that has never happened before, it's a constantly occurring thing.

And I did the thing and, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, that was awkward. Good way to start this out. Right, that's a great way to deal with it. Hank, did you ever do any internet dating? No. I did a bunch. I feel like I should have a secondary podcast

where I discussed my internet dating stories from the 90s and early 2000s, or really just the earliest 2000. I definitely had internet, like people I liked on the internet, and we would, like we had like a connection of us, or that I think both people felt,

but they'd never went into the real world. Right, right. I know, I mean, my first real relationship, the first time I fell in love was somebody I met on CompuServe in the early 90s. So I was internet dating before most of you were born. John was the first internet danger. I don't know if anyone knows this about him.

It's on his Wikipedia page. I sometimes I think that sometimes I think that she and I, our relationship, might have been like the first teenage relationship to emerge from Compuse Earth, but I might be wrong. That's fair. We were really, it's possible. Yeah, to that whole vibe though. And I have to say, like, I mean,

I have super complicated mixed feelings about most of my exes, but I have nothing but positive things to say about her and she's gone on to have a wonderful life and is a lovely person. Hank, you knew her. Yes, yeah, she was lovely. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, really lovely. Like, yeah, just a great, great person.

And we never even saw a picture of each other before we met in real life. It's crazy. The world was so different then. Hank, let's answer another question. I've got one right here. It's from Janet, who asks, dear Hank and John, I know there's a fresh water shortage because too much of it's busy being 75% of 7 billion human bodies, so it can't go in the rivers and stuff. I also know that much of the earth's water was delivered to us by comets. My question is, why can't we

pull some comets into decaying orbit with earth to get more water? I'm guessing we can't or something or, I'm guessing we can't or someone would have tried it already. I just wanna know why we can't. Well Janet, I have to say that you have just proposed crashing a comet into earth. That's a terrible idea, Janet. That's like of all the ideas that I've ever heard

on dear Hank and John that might be my least favorite one Comments are huge and decaying decaying orbit with earth. Yes. Yes. You've proposed crashing a carbon into earth. Don't do that It would be very very difficult to do and also don't do it People have suggested doing this to Mars to help increase the amount of water on Mars and also the amount of gas in the atmosphere, which would kick off a greenhouse effect. But yeah, it's, comments are big,

and it requires a lot of energy to move them. But definitely a thing that I could see a future, future intelligent human endeavor attempting on a planet that did not have really robust ecosystems and billions of people on it. Well, there is no way that humans will live long enough to start pulling comets into planets. There's just no way. I'm not even totally confident about our ability

to make it to 2017. Yeah. Well, you know, it's all odds, John. It's all the odds. Like I think that it's way below 1% that we're gonna crash and burn in the next few years. But I feel like it's higher than it once was. We're a very powerful species.

We have a lot of control over our planet. And in the early days of understanding the level of control that we have and are not good at respecting that yet. But I think we're gonna get there. No, well, I appreciate your optimism, Hank. It's time to move on to the news from Mars. Wow.

AFC Wimbledon. Oh, man. I didn't realize how late it is. Do you wanna go first or do you want me to go first? I don't mind going first. I'll go first, because I think that your news is pretty big and pretty good. Mine was hard.

There's so much news from Mars this week, John. I think that I'm gonna go with... It has? It's been a Marsy week. Yeah, I'm going to go with, even though this is probably the one that people have most heard about, I'm going to go with Barack Obama's editorial that he published on CNN saying that the US will send Mars to the red planet. Well, nope, that's not the way I didn't make any sense. That would be weird. People to the red planet by the 2030s and return them safely to Earth

with a longer term goal of making it possible to quote, one day remain there for an extended time. And that's terrible news, as everyone knows. But he committed to some funding for NASA for this and also said that it would be a joint effort between public and private. Company things, people, projects, programs, I don't know, what do I mean, John?

It'll be... I don't know, I want that tattooed on my body too. It's gonna be a joint effort between public companies and the government is what I mean. And yeah, but the problem with that is that SpaceX hasn't planned to get there before 2028 and Obama wants to be there in 2030. So I'm ready for that guy to leave office and get somebody else in there is a little bit more ambitious. Yeah. I for one, with Leon Mus on this news, which Leon Mus immediately upon hearing about this news, went to Twitter, Leon Mus for Earth, number four, Leon Mus number four Earth.

And he announced, he announced how incredibly excited he was and wanted to underscore how much he's always liked Barack Obama, who's the kind of leader who could make sure that humans stay here on Earth where they belong until at least 20-28 when this podcast will be renamed to your John and Hank. Hank, the news from AFC Wimbledon is amazing. So as you will recall, when we last recorded a podcast, AFC Wimbledon was playing Coventry City like during the recording of the podcast and I believe AFC Wimbledon was down 1-0. They came back, they tied that game 2-2 and since then they have gone on a tear. So the first thing that happened is that I went to London. We weren't there just to see AFC Wimbledon, but it was a nice added bonus.

So we got to go to Kings Meadow. I was there with Sarah and Rosiana and our friends Stewart and Anne Marie and their beautiful children. And it was just, it was a lovely day out, made even more lovely by the fact that AFC Wimbledon won that game, 2-0, it was incredibly exciting, fun to watch, great play. It was really, it made me feel like AFC Wimbledon are going to be fine, potentially, in League 1, because they really played well. Then they played in the football league trophy, they played Plymouth R-Gyle, who you'll recall is the team we played at Wimbledon to get to League 1 in the first place won that game to one Also, you know who started in that game Hank. No my very favorite new AFC Wimbledon player the teenage

Ginger Messi his name is Alfie Egan and he is Gonna be a fantastic player. Then they played Oxford. That game was actually televised in the UK, so I was able to watch it via a totally legal stream. And they won that game three-one. Whoa. So AFC Wimbledon have gone from being near the bottom of the table in a situation where like they were pretty much,

you know, staring the possibility of relegation in the face to being 10th place in League 1 on 16 points after 12 games, and they are one point above guess who the franchise currently playing in Milton Keynes, Hank, AFC Wimbledon, which formed in 2002, which had public tryouts on Wimbledon Common, which started out in the ninth tier of English football. For a little bit of context, Hank, let's go back to 2004, 12 years ago. Oh gosh, I do, should we do that?

Should we definitely do that? You've talked for a long time, and people know the story. All right, all right. For a little bit of context, thank you for that. We should just go back to 2004. AFC Wimbledon are playing in the eighth tier

of English football at a stadium that seats 2,200 people. The franchise currently playing in Milton Keynes are a middling to crap team in the third tier of English football, League One, playing in Milton Keynes are a middling to crap team in the third tier of English football. League one, playing in a mostly empty stadium that seats 15,000 people. Flash forward 12 years, AFC Wimbledon have been promoted five times. They are still playing in a stadium that seats 2200 people, but they are above Milton Keynes in the table.

Milton Keynes still being a middling to Crap team in the third tier of English football. It is an amazing story. This is the first time since reforming that AFC Wilburden have been above Milton Keynes in the table. The team's playing great. I'm sorry, I talked so long, but I'm very, very excited. You can get your DFTBA Nerdfighteria, AFC Wimbledon scarves now at DFTBA.com. And while you're there, you can get yourself some bullsemen as well. You're only four points out of the top of the table, John, out of like promotion. Four points from being in a promotion spot. Four points from being in the playoffs, yes. I mean, look, I've learned at this point not to say that something isn't going to happen,

but AFC Wimbledon, I will remind you, used to have the smallest stadium in League 2. Now they have the smallest stadium in League 1. It is very hard to imagine them having the smallest stadium in the championship. But whatever, at this point, I'm just love in the ride. All right, well, I'm excited for you, John. Do you want to tell us a little bit about what we learned today? We learned that you can catch a Mr. Mime if you are focused, willing to use a lot of money

for international data and have a lot of UltraBalls. We learned that John may have had the very first teenage dating relationship that came out of the internet platform CompuServe. That's right, I have the first and arguably best CompuServe love story. We learned that after you break up with somebody, you can never listen to those songs again in quite the same way, but eventually you will be able

to listen to them, but you will always still think of that person. I'm sorry, it's terrible news, but that has been my experience. And we learned that crashing comets into planet earth is not a good way to increase the amount of fresh water that we have. What, could we crush a very small comet on to planet earth? Uh, no. I mean, maybe you could know, no, no. It would, I mean, it wouldn't be helpful for one thing. We have lots of water, and we have lots of frozen water.

It's not like we don't have big hunks of frozen water. That's, you know, wonderful fresh water that is already on the planet. And if we've burned a comment up in the atmosphere, like the goal would be that it would not strike the surface of the earth, you'd still be just getting that into the atmosphere, which would then rain down all over the planet and mostly land in the oceans anyway.

All right, I trust you. You seem to know what you're talking about. Hank, thanks for podding with me. It's always a pleasure. Thanks to all of our listeners, especially those who support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash Deerhank and John, you can subscribe now for a dollar or more per month

and you get access to a free live show, not free. I don't know what I've said free. It's definitely not free. It's a dollar, a monthly live show, which is like this, only with our faces, so kind of by some measures worse. And I also want to thank Rosiana Hallsho, Rojas, who helps out with questions, Nicholas Jenkins, who edits this podcast.

Our theme music is from Gunnarola, Victoria Bangeano. She does all of the social media and uploads these things, so thank you for, thank you to her for that. You can email us, your questions at hankanjohnatgemail.com. You can also reach us on Twitter using the hashtag dearhankanjohn. I'm Hank Green, John is John Green, and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.

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