Dear Hank & John - 68: Gaga in Space (w/ Tyler Oakley!)

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

Are quesadillas sandwiches? What is the ideal OK Cupid match percentage? How much of another person's food am I allowed to consume? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. It's a comedy podcast about death where myself and my friend Tyler Oakley this week give you dubious advice, answer your questions, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon Hank is a way on leave. So I am joined by Tyler Oakley. How are you Tyler? I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. Thank God Hank is gone. I know. Finally, I get to live my dream of dear John and Tyler. You are of course. You know what? I think the people have been waiting for everyone's eager to hear.

No, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you. Talk about your own podcast a little bit. Do a little self promo. That's kind of your specialty. Sure. So my best friend Corey Cool and I have a podcast together we've been doing it for two years now it's called Psycho Babble it's stories we've never told pop culture commentary advice and everything in between it's literally whatever we want to talk about every single Tuesday and And yeah, it's a lot of fun. I really love your podcast and I have to say I love your best friend Corey. He's an amazing, amazing person.

He's okay. Uh, he's, he, I haven't killed him yet. We just got matching tattoos together, so I guess we're bonded for life, so. Oh my gosh, really, what are the tattoos? Um, it's a outline of two hands doing like a pinky promise. Aww, that's super cool. So you think it's tender, but at the end of the day, it's really just us, usually what we do, drunk at a bar, we're promising each other that we'll get Taco Bell afterward.

The really great... Almost tender, but not. The really great matching tattoo is when you get the word taco tattooed on yourself and he gets the word bell tattooed on himself. So you're never complete until you're together. I mean a taco is pretty complete without the bell. A bell without the tacos is just kind of sad. That's actually a really good point. Yeah. No, that's a terrible bit. Uh, Tyler, I'm going to answer. Do you have tattoos? Tyler, I'm gonna answer. Do you have tattoos?

Wait, I need to know. Do you have tattoos? I do not have any tattoos. Um, I have thought about getting a tattoo many times, but I think that ship might have sailed. I'm 39. You know, it's never too late. I love an old person with a sleeve. I'm, and by old person, I mean you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha'm not an old person, but I suppose that I am. Aren't you like in your mid to late 20s at this point?

I'm just 18. No, we had a conversation recently. Sorry, I know you wanna do like advice and things and questions, but we didn't, we just have a conversation about how we're both old on YouTube now. So I think we're qualified to give advice and answer questions. Yeah, I agree.

We are a little bit, we're YouTube-old. You're not old really by any definition except by YouTube definitions of age. I am old by most definitions. I am. All right, Tyler, I'm gonna get to a question because I think this is a very important first question. Okay.

Are you ready? Yes, I've never been more ready. This question comes from Hannah who writes, Dear Hank and John, I was catching up with a friend in a cafe the other day when she offered me some of her trail mix. She put it on the table in the middle and then we went back to talking.

My question is this, how much of another person's food slash snack am I allowed to consume before it is deemed inappropriate? Can I keep reaching back for more? Should I only eat the first bite that I grab? Why do I act sneakily when I try to eat the snack that they have generously offered me to eat? Oh my God.

Have you ever been in that situation? I've been in that situation a lot where someone will say, like, you want some Doritos and I'll be like, yeah. And then I'll just take the bag of Doritos and I'll eat all of it. And then they'll look at me weird. But like, why did you say, do you want some Doritos? Here's the thing.

I think you have to read their social cues. If they're chowin' down and they offer you some, you, I think you have to read their social cues. If they're chowin' down and they offer you some, I think you can match their pace but not exceed it. Also, if it's trail mix, you can't just take the best thing in all the best things. Right, you can't just take the M&Ms. Right, you can't just take the M&Ms, you can't just take the brown chips in the Chex Mix. You know what I mean? You have to kind of be fair. No, I totally agree. That's a great point. Of course, everybody has a bag of trail mix and then

you end up and it's just like a bunch of raisins and almonds in the bottom of it at the end of the day. So you've got to eat all the trail mix and you have to follow apparently something that Tyler calls social cues. I have no idea what those are. Well, you know what? We'll dine together sometime soon and I'll teach you etiquette. You just like walk me through all of it.

Right, and I'll swap your hand if you grab something you're not supposed to. I deeply appreciate that. Which is my life motto. That's what I do in life. Oh, Tyler, can I ask you a question that comes from me? You can ask me anything. How are you enjoying this election season?

It's actually, it feels like it's eating away at my soul, truly. Yeah, this is a question we've gotten from a lot of listeners, including listeners who don't live in the United States who are like, why are you doing this to us? Which, you know, fair question. It's eating away at my soul a little bit as well. I feel like I am very invested in it, and I can't imagine, I think there are certain levels of identity, which it probably has hurt more to witness it all.

I can't imagine identifying as a woman and seeing everything that's happening. I can't imagine being identifying as a woman and seeing everything that's happening. I can't imagine being a person of color and seeing everything that's happening or being ignored. But as a gay man and as a millennial or whatever I might identify, a me-linear, it has been shocking to witness

in embarrassing to accept as our reality. Yeah, it's really, really hard to accept as our reality. And I just hope I keep kind of hoping that somehow it's going to magically end on the morning of November 9th. And I don't know if that's going to prove to be true, but it has been this weird, very intense, very intense, I think, largely unprecedented moment in American history.

There's never been political divisiveness like this, at least not in the 20th or 21st century. We've never seen a candidate anything like Trump calling into question the legitimacy of the election, making statements that undermine the fundamental political institutions of the United States. I, making statements that undermine the fundamental political institutions of the United States. I mean, putting aside policy, that stuff is to me pretty terrifying.

And it's just a reminder, this whole thing has reminded me that American history is quite short. This is all quite new. And it's all a little fragile, you know? Totally. I mean, the amount of people that can sweep aside or not care about the unprecedented things that are happening in the selection, like somebody saying that they might not accept the results. Like that's a pretty big deal. And it's a huge deal. I mean, it's really, there is no precedent for that, at least not since the Civil War, and that is a huge deal. Um, and it's a huge deal. I mean, it's really is there is no precedent for that,

at least not since the Civil War. And that is a huge deal. I was just watching the Hamilton documentary that was on PBS. And there's a, have you seen, first of all, have you seen Hamilton? I have not seen Hamilton. It's a very sad story. I was supposed to see Hamilton in New York City. We had tickets. We were in the airport on our way there, and I have this weird disease called Eosinophilic Asophagiitis, this is part of my being old, and sometimes food gets stuck in my Asophagus, and steak got stuck in my Asophagus while we were in the airport on our way to see Hamilton, and I had to go to the hospital and get an emergency and doscape, and it's just the worst. Anyway, I will see it soon, but I've not seen it,

but I have listened to the soundtrack literally 500 times. So you're familiar with one last time the song about George Washington stepping away and kind of setting a precedent for a two term system, allowing a country to move on past its first leader. And in the documentary on PBS, it kind of explores a peaceful transition and how that has become so crucial for a country. And for half of America to seemingly not care about a peaceful transition is scary. Yeah, I hope it's not half. I mean, I do hold out some hope that it's not half and that

there's a... Yeah, but it is. I don't want to... I also don't want to undersell how bad it is. I also want to be aware of the fact that it's much worse for like you said earlier, it's much worse for people who aren't me. And like I benefit from a lot of privilege in this conversation about the election in general. And I'm trying to be conscious of that. But I hope that it's not half. We'll see. But yeah, it's.

We will see. I would love it to be just a statement. So many people show up to vote that it is a statement to the world that this is not who we are Like it's one thing for polls to say you know What they're predicting but people have to show up and show the world. That's not who we are That's a great point. So everybody if you can vote do And if you don't know if you can vote go to youtube.com slash how to vote in every state. Hank's amazing project that will tell you how to vote in every state in the union and

Washington, DC. And if you are a citizen living abroad as well. I loved his, I loved his series. Yeah, I thought it was really helpful. And plus it was interesting to see the differences between different places and how to vote absentee and all these things. I thought I thought it was really crucial and necessary. So thanks, Hank. Thank you, Hank. You're a good person, a good brother, and a good citizen. I bet there's a lot of people that are underage and can't vote. There's still a ways to get involved.

Use your voice on social media and remind people the day before. Text everyone you know. Like, hey, just a reminder, tomorrow you vote. I can't, I wish I could please exercise your right because I can't. Or if you want to write, give somebody a ride to their polling station. Sometimes that's the difference between if the vote or not. So you can be that difference. Absolutely. Tyler, I want to get to even more serious questions if you don't mind. This one comes from Stacey who writes, dear Hank and John, I was appalled to learn last

week that my husband of over 11 years believes that Kase Diaz and Tacos are sandwiches. Clearly they are not. Please help settle this debate so our house can once again be peaceful and we can decide how to properly raise our children. Long time fan of the pod, Stacey. Well, that is traumatizing. Yeah, it's upsetting.

I mean, you never want to discover something like that 11 years into a marriage. That's the kind of thing that you really, Stacey, I don't want to criticize you in this situation, but it seems to me that you guys should have that talk before you got married. I mean, I have to maybe give him some credit because... Nope.

Content within carbs is a sandwich. Ha ha ha. Nope. Content within carbs is a sandwich. No, content within carbs is not a sandwich. I think the whole definition of a sandwich is, there is a word for a Mexican sandwich. It is called a torta. There is, it exists. It is a thing in the world.

I don't know. Well, I think a hot dog is a sandwich. Very marginal. I think this might be our first disagreement. I think I'm on his side. I think it's important to accept all shapes and forms of sandwiches and some of them are... You know what? No! A panini is a sandwich and a panini is bread but thinner and so if we take it one step further and go even thinner, would that not be a case of Dia? Well so if we take it one step further and go even thinner, would that not be a case idea?

Well, if you take it one step further and then you're just grilling cheese, that is also not a sandwich. Like, you've got to draw the line for sandwich at some point. I don't know if I will ever draw that line. I've got to say, in my opinion, and I guess the answer here, St Stacy, is that if Tyler and I are able to maintain our friendship in spite of Tyler's ridiculous statement that a case of Dia is somehow a sandwich, I think that you and your husband can probably like figure

it out and make it work. And I have absolute confidence in you, but Tyler is wrong on this one. Stacy, I don't think John and I will ever recover. So divorce is an option. That's right. I mean, you've got to keep all your options on the table, Stacey. That'd be a great thing to tell the kids too.

So why'd you guys break up, Mom and Dad? Oh, your dad believes that sandwiches and tacos are the same thing. All I'm saying is the straw that breaks the camel's back, that single straw is not heavy. That is not a straw. I'm sorry, if that is a straw in your relationship, like you fail way too much about sandwiches. Listen, you guys hash it out and you get back to us.

Yeah, let us know if you're able to move on from this. All right, let's know if you're able to move on from this. All right, let's move on to another question. Dear Hank and John, I know John has that experience with depression after being broken up with, I was wondering as someone with a boyfriend who I think is at risk of having the same issue, what is the best way to break up with someone to help them avoid that scenario?

Woof, woof. My God. How do you break up with someone so that they avoid that scenario. Oof. Oof. My God. How do you break up with someone so that they're not impacted by it? Yeah, you're not gonna be able to break up with someone so that they're not impacted by it. But I also, as someone who's been on the other side of that coin a couple of times,

like looking back, I realized that it was not that person's responsibility and it was not that person's fault. So, you know, what happens to your boyfriend after you break up is not your fault. Obviously, that would be my take anyway. Don't be cruel, but keep firm boundaries. If you need to end the relationship, you need to end the relationship you need and the relationship, you know. I think open communication throughout the relationship helps a peaceful transition.

I think if you bring up something that you've never brought up before while you're breaking up with someone, that's not the easiest way to break the news. So if you haven't tried to work through it, not saying that you have to try to work through it, not saying that you have to try to work through it, but if it's something out of the blue, I think that's detrimental to their process of moving on. I think also, if you commit to breaking up with someone,

commit to it. You can't be wishy-washy. You can't offer, you know, maybe someday in the future, we might get back together. Like that really messes with someone in their ability to move on. It's so hard to do that, but you're right. I mean, this is all good advice, but it's really hard to do. I was recently dumped, not recently. No.

In the grand scheme of my life recently. And one thing that I was really grateful for was he said, I just don't see us ever being a thing. And that's stung in the minute, but how great that I had no question of maybe someday, you know what I mean? Like to just have a closure to it, even though that was like probably difficult for him to say, because like that's not a nice feeling to give to somebody, but like down the line that was helpful

for me to be able to be like, okay, it's time for me to like accept it and move on.org. Yeah, no, I totally agree. Like having those boundaries during a breakup is really hard, but I think it's really important. And in my experience anyway, I haven't been able to move on until I've accepted that. You know, I've accepted that the relationship is over. And also, you know, accepted that I'm going to have a good and fulfilling life that, you know, isn't going to involve having a romantic relationship with this person. Right. I agree.

It's hard, though. I mean, there's no easy way to break up. And, but I think you make a great point that if in the context of the relationship, the lines of communication are open, the breakups going to go a lot smoother. And it shouldn't seem so out of the blue. I mean, if a breakup is out of the blue, then you're right. That's just, I don't think that's the most kosher way to go about it.

I totally agree. Yeah, I mean, that should be part of the lines of communication and a relationship being open. I've never been surprised by a breakup, which speaks highly of the people I've dated. Usually when Hank has a special guest by the way, Tyler, like it's all fun and games, like Flula was on an episode, and like you and I are just, we're just diving deep.

That's okay with me. I'm a man of versatility. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't, like this is calm down. This is what I would do every week. I would just go straight for the jugular. But yeah, there's no easy way to break up. I got another dating question for you, Tyler. Comes from Liz. I mean, all I can think of, all I can think of with you saying straight for the jugular is the piece of steak stuck.

So be careful. For the piece of steak stuck in my esophagus. I mean, I don't want to gross you out, but like the worst part about this, when it happens, like the state getting stuck in my esophagus is that I can't swallow water, like I can't swallow my own spit even. So I just like puke up my own spit every three or four minutes

for hours until I finally get this endoscopy done. It was super annoying. You know what? For some people that's a turn on. I'm sure. So one man's trash. I mean, I would do great with a very specific subset of the population. God bless. With my Asophageitis is acting up. I have to say I have an identity problem since then. All right, let's answer this question from Liz, who writes, dear John and Hank,

I recently decided to try online dating. Maybe this will get me an opportunity to tell my awesome online dating stories from way back in the old person days, more specifically, okay, cupid. One thing I like about it is that you answer a bunch of questions and then they do fancy calculations to determine how much of a match you are with other users. The idea is that more is better, but is it really a good idea to be

with someone who's a 98% match? Aren't you then too alike? On the other side, I feel pretty confident that I won't hit it off with someone who's a 50% match, but then what should be my minimum threshold to consider meeting someone? What range of match percentage is actually the ideal amount? Hmm. I mean, I, at one point in my life, was on okay, Cupid, and I found no success. I found it to be accurately named just okay. For me, though, if you're looking at percentage, like, sure, you can agree that you both want a dog, sure, you can agree that you both love a cookout, but like Right.

Is any there are any questions really going to accurately detect sense of humor or personality like Right a sense of charm you feeling butterflies like I don't know if I could ever boil down a successful relationship to a handful of questions, let alone 200 questions. I think over the course of a few dates, you'll go through many more than that.

Some of those things are not deal-breakers. I don't know if, on OKCupid, you can wait the importance of a question or if it waits it for you. So I don't even know if I believe in the system to begin with. So I don't know if I can reckon a percentage that's accurate or worthwhile to pursue. Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. My feeling about okay, Cupid is when I look at my relationship with my wife, I suspect that we would not have been a match in a lot of ways that OKCupid considers

important, but the things that are really important to Sarah and me are some of the things you talked about, like charm, sense of humor, the fact that we have shared values, which is incredibly important and really difficult for algorithms to understand. If algorithms were better at understanding human values, then the whole internet would work a lot better than it does. And I think that stuff has to kind of come out in conversation, like no matter how many interests you share, that's a relatively small part of a relationship in my experience. So Liz, we're going to say that a 0% match is fine.

Like don't worry about it too much. I was really, really terrible at internet dating. Tyler back in the gosh, the 2002, 2003 era when I was on internet dating. It was different then, like the vibe of it was different There was no grinder or anything But I did I did meet people from the internet And went on dates with them almost always to the same German restaurant which looking back maybe wasn't the best call

And I did have a couple of like semi-serious relationships emerge out of those And I did have a couple of like semi-serious relationships emerge out of those Experiences, but oh man, it was hard. I my experience with internet or app dating I have found I Just and maybe this is me personally. I just find that if I meet somebody organically I feel like we get into a better rhythm from the start. I feel like if you're on the internet learning everything about somebody, it's a curated amount of what they want to share and who they want to be perceived as. And sometimes that really messes with, it may be the accuracy of the match,

especially in a system of like sending five pictures and that's what represents you. Five pictures that I might pick for myself might not be the five pictures, my soul might think represent me. You know what I mean? Right, totally. And when you meet somebody organically, My soul might soulmate might think represent me. You know what I mean like right totally And and when you meet somebody organically

You're seeing them as a fully-fledged human and how their mannerisms come into play and Maybe that doesn't translate on I don't know in in a digital space So I take the presentation of a human on a social media app or presentation of a human on a social media app or an okay-cupid as a grain assault. I mean it's it's who they want to be and it's what they think they are that has no relation to how you would perceive them in a romantic sense. So can I tell you a story that will make me seem super crazy old? Yes. Does it start with okay? I mean does it start with a Yahoo chats? Chat room Oh Tyler Oh Tyler it occurs long before Yahoo chats. Oh no so

back in 1992 my dad brought home comp you serve from like a store because that's where you bought the internet back then and I started using the internet. For context, I was three years old, right then. That's great to hear. I was a teenager. I was like 13 or 14, 15 maybe. Okay.

And I started using the internet to talk to people, mostly other students in these forums where we would use our real names. There were no screen names yet or anything like that. And it was all text-based, there were no pictures on the internet at that time. Like the thought of downloading a picture, it was just like, well, that's like $200 of internet time to download a single picture.

So it was just off the radar. I started talking to this young woman that summer who were really fascinating, smart kid about my age. And we continued to talk for, often on, for about three years. We talked sometimes on the phone, but usually just on the internet. And at no point did we exchange any pictures. It was just not, it wasn't even within the culture

of the internet to exchange pictures. And when we finally met in, gosh, I guess it was October of 1996 I had never seen her before when I drove across the country to Maryland to me. Oh my god no. I had never seen a single picture of her and I drove across the country to meet her and I mean it was truly love at first sight. And we dated very, very happily for many years. And we had a wonderful relationship, despite having never seen pictures of each other when we met three years after we started talking. Wow. That's insane. I know. Isn't that weird? Yeah. It didn't seem weird at the time. Well, in hindsight, I'm like,

girl, you're getting catfished. As somebody who has hosted an episode of Catfished, this is not looking good for you. I'm like waiting for you to show up and it's like me or like an old man. No, no, no, no, wow. No, no, she was lovely. She's doing great too. You know, I dated, I didn't, no, no, she was lovely. She's doing great too.

You know, I dated, I didn't work out obviously. I dated when I was maybe in middle straw in a video game I used to play. And we used to hunt together. It was like an MMORPG. And we would go hunting. We would be on the same like video game schedule like playing. We even in the game we got married.

And I never saw what she looked like. I had a crush on her. I guess just like the concept of her personality. All right, Ty, we've got a question that comes from Alliana, and I apologize Alliana if I am mispronouncing your name. Although in the context of your question, it's sort of appropriate for me to mispronounce your name. She writes, dear Hank and John,

I'm currently a probi in my new job, which means I have to learn everyone's names. This gives me anxiety since I'm not good at remembering names and I don't want to offend anybody by getting their names wrong. Do you have any advice on how I can easily remember the names of my new co-workers? Thank you in advance. Oh my God, this is me.

I would love any advice. I am so bad at names. Even if I'm positive about somebody's name, I am so insecure about it that I don't trust my own gut. 100%. I have a friend, a legitimate friend, and I know, I know, I know that his name is David, but when the time comes to pull the trigger,

I can never do it. Are we the same human? Because there's just a little part of me that's like, is it David or could it be Davis? On every red carpet, I think I know who a celebrity is. And as they approach, I'm like, hey girl. Well, because it's so risky. I mean, hitting the wrong name is such an epic disaster and just saying hello is such a

relatively small thing and but if you say the wrong name of a celebrity first off Tyler, I mean you and I are both let's face it seelisters I'll take it. I'll take it. I would be delighted to be a seelister um, and so you know from experience that when someone calls you by the wrong name, it does rather set the conversation off on the wrong foot. Well, not for me. I think there is a...

I am very eager to forgive based on how they go about the situation. Like, if they are genuinely embarrassed, then I'm like, it is literally no problem. My biggest fear is always when I'm meeting somebody and I say, it's nice to meet you and they've said, oh, we've met before. I'm like, oh, yeah. I think that's that's why I never, but I never correct someone. If I know I've met them before, I never want to make that correction because what's it going to do other than make them feel terrible? Right, I am right, exactly.

So as far as trying to remember somebody's name, to answer the question, remember in what's that movie, House Bunny or something? With Anna Ferris? We can't remember the name of it. I think it's what movie? House Bunny, I think with Anna Ferris. We can't remember the name of it. I think it's what movie? House Bunny.

I think with Anna Ferris. Listen, there's a character. Anna Ferris is meeting these new people and to remember all their names. They say, oh hi, my name is Joanne. And she says, Joanne. And that's how she remembers their name. It's the most iconic scene from the movie.

So maybe that can be a way you can do it. That's a really, really good idea. So you just pronounce their names back to them in a low growl. And you will be wanted. In addition to remembering everyone's names, you will meet fewer and fewer people as your life goes on. I actually have a genuine piece of advice

for this question though. What I do is I ask them how they spell it. And that's how I remember it. So I'm like, okay, Sarah, within nature without an age, and then I'll always remember it's Sarah with no age. And when I see them again, I'm like, Sarah with no age. I'm just so terrible at remembering people's names. I feel awful about it.

Like even people I really like or I know well, I'm just terrible at it. You know what? Also, I think I wish I were better at. Yeah. Once you meet them, once they tell you their name, repeat it back to them within that conversation and obscene amount of times, more than seems normal

or necessary, and I think you're more likely to remember it. And I do think you're more likely to remember it, And I do think you're more likely to remember it, but I also think if you do it way more than is necessary, people start to feel weird. They start to be like, boy, I haven't heard my name this many times in a long time. I'd rather make them weird, I'd rather make them feel weird once in that first conversation,

then be like, hey girl. And then always be like, who the f*** is that? I knew we weren't gonna get through this episode without a bleep and sure enough we aren't. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, that's fine. All right, Tyler, we've got one more question for you before I get to the all-important news from Mars

and AFC Wimbledon. I know that that's your favorite part of the podcast. Well duh. Okay, Tyler, this question comes from Camille, who writes, dear John and Hank, does Voldemort use the bathroom? Oh yes. There you go, Tyler.

Though I don't know. No. I don't, I didn't, I don't get to leave the books or the movies. I'm sorry. I know, whatever. Okay, I get it. I get it.

Everyone judges. I'll just ask you a different question so that people don't have to judge you for that horror. No, you know what, they should accept me for who I am. Not everyone read Goosebumps, not everyone read the Bible, and not everyone's gonna read your favorite book, and you're gonna deal with that. I will, you know what, I love that answer.

It's bold, it's expressive, it's very Tyler Oakley. That said, you should really read Harry Potter. It's great. You should really what? Read the Harry Potter or binge? You should also read Tyler Oakley's New York Times bestselling memoir, Binge, which genuinely is really great time.

Oh my gosh, shut up. I've pulled up privately before, but it's a really great book. And it's got so many memorable stories in it, and it just tells a very true and moving story. But Harry Potter is also excellent. Okay, well, as somebody who read Harry Potter, do you think Voldemort P's?

I mean, I think it's an interesting piece. What I find interesting about the question is that, you know, nobody ever uses the bathroom in any books or movies. It's like this part of life that we have largely excluded from our art and maybe with good reason, but yeah, I mean, I assume that Voldemort goes to the bathroom. I don't know, I have a full chapter in my book about... You do. ...the gold matters, so maybe that's you do.

You were the artist who was willing to go where JK Rowling was not. I mean, I think that's the difference. To ask though if he uses the bathroom is to ask if he is at his core human. And I think that's a bigger issue that you have to grapple in this dang little book or whatever this Harry Potter is? Yeah, no, that's actually a really good point. Like ultimately, like going to the bathroom is mostly about how we assign personhood and how we like think of like lives.

For instance, we never think of stormtroopers going to the bathroom because I don't think we really think of the most people. But so the answer to your question is that we do not know. Tyler. Yeah. Would you like to know what happened on Mars this week? Usually Hank delivers the news from Mars, but it falls to me this week.

So can I tell you what happened on Mars? Can I guess what happens? Please do guess what happened on Mars. So there they are, the Martians. And you know what I like to imagine? Gay aliens, gaze in space. I feel like in the grand scheme of things, I just hope that out there, not only do I,

I'm pretty certain that there's aliens and things, but like, I just want them all to be gay. Was that what's going on on Mars? I definitely read some fiction that imagines that world, and it's been fascinating to read. The news from Mars is as follows. There was a black smudge found on Mars, which is bad news because that black smudge was the Mars reconnaissance orbiter that was supposed to land on Mars, but instead appears to have crashed and turned into a gigantic black smudge. Was there anybody on board? Was it just kind of like a little machine thing? Oh no, no, no, there was no one on board. In fact, no one is allowed to go to Mars until the year 2028 or later,

because Hank and I made a bet that no humans will get, I bet him that humans will not make it to Mars by 2028. And if I win that bet, the podcast will be renamed dear John and Hank in the year 2028. So I am putting all of my resources right now toward keeping humans and Earth only species for at least the next 12 years.

Well, you're gonna have to fight me because I'm eager to go to space. I'm ready to be first. You can go to space all you want. You just can't go to the bar. No, but I wanna go everywhere in space. Do you really? I wanna do, yeah, the amazing space. That space all you want. You just can go to war. No, but like I want to go everywhere in space. Do you really? I want to do the amazing space.

That's what I want. Oh no, no, no, I would not go to space if you paid me all the money in the world. It just sounds terrifying. Honestly, even if I died in space, what a great last line of my Wikipedia. Ha ha ha ha ha. Like tell me it's not.

You're welcome. It is a good last one. Just, I was hoping you- I was hoping you died in space right I was hoping you were gonna say what happened in Mars was Joanne the new lady Gaga album streamed from Mars cuz it just came out everyone should buy oh wow That was I mean you you squeezed in a lady Gaga reference knowing that we were near the end of the podcast It would have been easier

Had I just gone the route of, did you know, Lady Gaga tweeted hashtag Gaga in space 2015 back a couple years ago. And so everyone thought she was going to space, but then all of 2015 passed. And on the last day of 2015, I tweeted her. I said, girl, whatever happened to Gaga in space, why aren't you going? So she might be the one to make you lose your bet. She's gonna hit Mars before 2028. I mean, I would not at this point in my life underestimate Lady Gaga. She is a tremendously

talented person. Did I ever tell you about the time that we sat on the same bench? Shots. Up. Tell me more. We did. Okay. So Lady Gaga drove, I believe drove the pace car or was involved in some way in the Indianapolis 500 last year. And I go to the Indian apolis 500 every year because I'm, you know, a good Indiana boy. And so I was sitting on a bench at the pagoda. And I looked over and there was a beautiful person wearing a fire suit next to me with like long flowing hair. And I was like, that's a very unusual situation to see a really beautiful person with wearing a fire suit. But I didn't think much of it. The race was about to start. So I was

pretty focused on the race. And then I noticed that this person was wearing unbelievably just fabulous, beautiful, astonishing shoes. Like amazing high heels. And I was like, that's super weird. A fire suit, amazing high heels. And then I was like, oh, that's Lady Gaga. Wow. Did it change your life? I mean, it was pretty intense. I had to fight the urge to have a celebrity encounter.

I had to fight the urge to be like, can I have a picture or to say hi or to whatever. I just had to be cool. So I was cool and I'm proud of myself for being cool. That's pretty much my takeaway. Wow. So you didn't tell her you loved art pop? I did not tell her that I loved art pop.

If I had told her anything, honestly, Tyler, if I had said anything to Lady Gaga, it probably would have been, my friend Tyler is actually and literally your biggest fan. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha size walls. All right, we're moving on to the news from AFC Wimbledon. Tyler, since you may not be familiar with AFC Wimbledon, they are a football club currently playing in the third tier of English football in South London, and we sponsor them. Well, my, are you their actual and literal biggest fan? I might be their biggest fan.

For context, on the back of AFC Wimbledon shorts, it says, DFTBA nerdfighteria, and also the North Stand of their stadium is named the John Green Stand. So it sounds like they're your biggest fan. No, no, no, I pay for that privilege. Oh, me forcing anyone to be a fan of me. Just by the way.

Exactly. I'm just making them love me. OK, so AFC Wimbledon, this is their first season in League 1. They were not expected to do well. And in fact, most people thought that they would likely be relegated at the end of the season back to League 2, where they've been

for the last several seasons. But instead, AFC Wimbledon has gone on this insane winning streak. Last week, they beat Peterborough, one nil, a goal from John Meads, and suddenly they are in sixth place in the table out of 24 teams. They are in sixth place, which is also the last playoff spot. So if the season were to end today, which it won't, because there's still, you know, like 31 games to play, they would finish in the playoffs. There's a long, long way to go, but that is very exciting, and nobody could have predicted this level of success. So I am stoked.

You know, I kind of saw it coming. I saw it within them. So when you say nobody could have predicted it's kind of an insult to my, you know. I'm sorry. I appreciate the faith that you have at AFC Wimbledon. At the start of every season, I say that all I want in the world is for them to finish 19th in their league,

whatever that league is, so that they don't get relegated to the league below. But yeah, you're right. You have faith in AFC Wimbledon that I don't have, and that's probably what makes you in the end the bigger fan. Oh, man, I'm so excited for AFC Wimbledon to know Tyler. It's like, it's just, I mean, it's just, I almost, I can't even explain it with words how cool this is. So that is the news

from Mars and AFC Whibbled and I apologize for geeking out. I'm just really, really excited. I'm not going to lie about it. I'm not going to hide my enthusiasm. This is who I am. AFC Whibbled are nestled near the top of the table right between Bristol Rovers and Port Vale and I am psyched. Listen, I get it. This is exactly how I feel when a Carly Rae Jeppeson single is climbing the charts. It's like, it's the same emotion. Ha ha. Oh, that's awesome.

Tyler, thank you so much for potting with me today. I really appreciate it. It was so much fun. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Rosiana Hulsroha helps us out with questions. Victoria Bonjurno does social media and many other things are the music is by the brilliant

and amazing YouTuber Gunnarolo book him up on YouTube. Tyler, thank you again. And thanks to everyone for listening. Oh, you can email us at hankandjohnatgmail.com and you can also follow Tyler on very social media. Aren't you mostly just Tyler Oakley?

I am Tyler Oakley, anywhere you can search. You may find me. All right, I like to follow Tyler on the following social media accounts, YouTube and Twitter, because those are the only two that I use, but I know that he uses others. You know what? John, I will say, you once, years and years and years

and years ago tweeted me, I love following you on Twitter because I feel like more than anyone else, I get a glimpse into your life, and I have always remembered that I'm like, that is the sweetest tweet anybody's ever sent me. Well, thank you, I do feel that way. And I have to say that it has been an immense joy in my life to watch the relationship that you've had

with your audience grow and grow over the years. I've been a fan of yours since you had, you know, subscriber numbers and the hundreds and it is just such a pleasure to watch all the awesome stuff that you do and I feel so grateful that you're in our community. Shut up likewise I guess. Alright, well thanks again for potting with me. Thanks to everyone for listening.

And as we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome. Bye, everyone. Love you. Woo.