Dear Hank & John - 69: Live from NerdCon: Stories (w/ Karen Hallion!)

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

Who is the foxiest founding father? How do I convince my boyfriend to not go to Mars? Is all my sister's stuff mine now? And more!

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. It's a comedy podcast about death. We answer your questions. We provide you with dubious advice and we bring you all the week's news from both Mars Mars which is a cold dead rock in the vacuum of space and aFC Wimbledon which is the greatest fan-owned institution in the world I am here today with the lovely Karen howlian Karen tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, I am an artist, illustrator, and part-time Jedi.

Mostly the part-time is because I have kids, so I'll get back to my studies for Jedi training at a future date. I'm from Boston, and I do a lot of pop culture mashups, Star Wars, Disney, Doctor Who, and then I was lucky enough to work on Hanks Wizard School last year and I did all the art for that, which was an incredible experience. You can find Karen at her Etsy store. She also has stuff at dftba.com, your friendly neighborhood e-tailor. Also, I should add that the game that you did the illustration for Wizard School

will be available soon. For the Christmas holidays. So usually at the beginning of the podcast, Karen, we talk about, just how we're doing. How are you? I'm pretty good. Yeah, I'm a little anxious just because usually I'm in my basement when I do this. But other than that, I'm well. There's a few people here. Yeah, it's weird. Usually you're just comments. Yeah. It's weird to me that you have bodies. Somebody just got the first comment, congratulations. That reminds me of my all-time favorite Hank joke.

What did the YouTube commenter say when they finished fifth in the marathon? First. All right. We're going to skip the short poem for the day because I didn't prepare one. If you come to my thing later today, I'll be reading a little bit of a short poem. So maybe that'll be better. But yeah, so we're going to start with the question. Karen, this question comes from Fiona,

and she writes, dear, dear John and Hank, this summer, Apple ran a promotion if you brought. Okay, so when we make the podcast, I make a lot of mistakes and then I just say, Nick back up, and that means Nick, the editor of the podcast, should back up and we're going to start over. So Nick back up. This summer Apple ran a promotion where if you bought a laptop, you got a free pair of $300 wireless beats headphones. I needed a laptop for college, so I got a free pair of beats. Since I spend so much time walking around campus in New York City, wireless headphones are super convenient to listen to the pod and other stuff

while I walk. However, every time I wear them I feel totally obnoxious and like I'm showing off how much money I can spend on headphones since they're so large and flashly. Nick back up. Since they're so large and flashly, it's like Nick back up. Since they're so large and flashy, how do I wear these headphones without looking like a jerk? Okay, we got some, if you could bring those up please, thank you. We have some of these, are you Fiona? Oh God, oh.

I can't, I can't. Okay. Wow. There you go. Those are that big. I mean, I was picturing like three times this size. Yeah, those are quite subtle. Yeah, those are for New York.

That's incredibly subtle. Yeah. I was just in New York last weekend. There is no normal in New York. There is no subtle in New York. Yeah, I totally agree. I mean, I think, well, first off, the major thing that I would do is I would get a t-shirt designed by Karen.

And any time I wore the B-t headphones, I would wear the t-shirt, and the t-shirt would just explain the situation. It would just say, like, I got these headphones free with my computer. I didn't buy them. I'm not the kind of person who would buy these headphones. Shannon, I'm sorry.

Oh, Shannon got them for free. Everyone, maybe we should make that t-shirt since everyone who has beats headphones apparently has the same story. Well, if you basically a picture of someone wearing them and say, ask me about my headphones. Right. I'd like to tell you the entire story. Let me tell you the story.

Let me explain. I think that's the solution. I'll get on it. Ask me about my headphones. Yeah, other than that, I think like you said, you don't really look like a jerk in New York, especially when you're showing off your conspicuous consumption. Karen, would you like to read the next question?

This one right here? Yeah. Alright, dear Hank and John. It seems to me that eccentric people are the best kind of people. Yeah, that's right. I really admire those who have found a quirky passion and embrace it without irony or self-consciousness. I would love to be more eccentric, but the problem is I am drawn to fairly normal things like crossword puzzles and books. My question is this, is it possible to become more eccentric on purpose? Or is true? I can't say this is eccentricity?

I think that's right. What was that Nick bring it back? Nick, Nick back up there. I'm going to screw it up again. Or is true eccentricity so innate that the act of trying to be eccentric just makes you a poser. Wishing I had a freak flag to fly. Carry. That's a deep question. Yeah, it's deep. of freak flag to fly. Carry. That's a deep question.

Yeah, it's deep. I don't know what do you think. I mean, I don't think that Crossword puzzles and books are the norm these days. I mean, that seems kind of like a freak flag in itself. Yeah, I mean, I watched that documentary about competitive crossword puzzlers there is there's a document. Oh, it's fantastic

and You do not emerge in that documentary thinking like well those people are putting on their eccentric ares Yeah, I mean, I feel like you can be nerdy about almost anything. Yeah. It's just, for me, nerdiness is not so much what you're into, but the way you're into it. It's the level of your passion for it, I think. Right, and that ability to not be embarrassed about your passion, like not try to couch it in irony. Proud of your freak flag. Yeah, I think you do have a freak flag to fly, Carrie. Yeah. Get really into crosswords. I believe in you. I think she can do it. But I do think there is nothing worse than being eccentric on purpose. Yeah,

there's nothing subtle about that. You can pick those people out of a crowd. Oh yeah. Yeah, totally. All right, that. You can pick those people out of a crowd. Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. All right, we got another question. This one comes from Zina. This is a question near and dear to my heart since my brother's not here. Dear John and Hank, my sister has just moved out to go to university in Berlin.

Obviously, she couldn't take all of her stuff with her as the room she's going to live in is very small. My question is, is all of what she has left behind now mine? She clearly has no use for it anymore, so I'm thinking, why should I not be allowed to inherit the things? Because she's not dead, Zina. She went to college. That is spoken like a true older brother. Isn't possession 910s of the law?

No. No. I know in podcasts I'm supposed to yes and you, but no. Here's my story about when I went to college. Beginning in the year 1983, I started collecting baseball cards. And I was a very passionate baseball card collector. I was a huge fan of the Chicago Cubs. I watched between 100 and 130 Chicago Cubs games on TV every year

when I was like five and six years old. I had all the baseball cards. I had a Carl Yostremsky rookie card. I had so many great baseball cards. I had an Andre Dawson rookie card mint condition. I had what I would do is every year, whatever team won the World Series, I would put all of the starting lineup

for the winning game on a page of my baseball card collection. And so you could flip through and you could see who, you know, was in the starting lineup for every World Series winner. And then after those would come all the cubs because they never won. And this year, I don't know. I've learned not to hope.

So this is what happened. I came home one summer from college and I went to look look at my five or six thousand baseball cards and they weren't there. And I was like, what uh, what happened on my baseball card tank? And he said, and I swear to God, I'm quoting him directly. I sold the money back. Okay, I didn't see that coming seriously. Yeah. Hank. And then I was like, well then, where's my money?

And he was like, it's my money. I inherited your baseball card collection when you went to college. All right. I mean, you have two college. All right. I mean, you have two kids. Tell me what your approach would be in this situation as a mother. Oh, I mean, on the one hand, it's pretty, pretty smart of the younger one.

No, quick buck. I mean, I got to admire his, you know, go get it, you know. But as an older, as the oldest of three kids, I would kill my brother and sister. So I don't know how Hank is still living. I'm still mad about it. It's such an annoying, it's such a Hank thing to do, too, to be like, well, these baseball cards aren't the money that they could be. Why don't I turn them into money?

I love that you're still mad about it too because my sister still brings things up. I mean, 30 years ago, I can't believe you did this to me. I was like, I was 10. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, but he wasn't 10. But he wasn't ten. Well, Hank has a childlike heir about him, so... It's true. That's a terrible point. Sorry. Oh, man. Yeah. Zina, that is not your stuff. Karen thinks it might be your stuff. It's debatable. All right, this question comes from Camilla. Possibly Camilla. Not very good at pronouncing.

Camilla. Oh, you want to ask this one? I don't know. I'll do it. Yeah. All right. Dear Hank and John, some close relatives of mine recently got a puppy. The problem is that they gave this puppy a name that is also a nickname my family uses for

me. It is a very obvious short version of my full name and I was very annoyed and hurt by this. Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Definitely, Cam. Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam? Cam I don't know whether my relatives simply haven't noticed the obvious similarities between the two names or if they just don't care. Either way, I find it difficult to accept that a nickname that I'm very fond of and have had my entire life will now be forever associated with a dog.

I might have to stop using the nickname altogether because asking them to change it is out of the question and I feel like this is unfair. Some dubious advice on how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated. Best wishes. Camilla? Camilla? What do we? Cammy.

Cammy? So, we were talking about this. Is my son's name is James and when he was a baby we started calling him the peach because he had peach fuzz and James and the giant peach and it's stuck so maybe it's not candy maybe it's something that's completely maybe it's peach yeah yeah that little known sequel that rolled doll wrote cammy and the giant peach the good one but would you name your dog peach no though it would be a really cute name for a kitten I mean it would but a Good one. But would you name your dog peach? No.

That would be a really cute name for a kitten. I mean, it would. It's a great, it's a great car. It's a great cat name. It's a great cat name. But no. Yeah, you can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't do it. I mean, my parents had a dog named Maggie, which is also a human name. But we don't know anyone named Maggie, obviously. Because that's horrible. I think that's very, I don't have any dubious advice except to say that you are definitely in the right in my opinion.

Yeah, I sympathize. And this person who did this to you, that's just not cool. I will say, when you say in the email, let me find out the line. This name you've had for your entire life will forever be associated with a dog. You might be slightly exaggerating the extent to which this dog is going to impact your life. If you don't live with this dog, if you think about a dog, you don't, like, close your eyes and think about the dog that's closest to you that you don't live with.

It's probably not a super important dog, you know? For me, anyway. I literally cannot think of a dog I don't live with. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a dog. No, my brother's dog has died. Well, it's a comedy podcast about death. It is very sad. It's too soon.

It's too soon. It's always going to be too soon. I drew a picture of lemon in the wizard school, and it was very sad when I did that. Oh God, that's so sad and sweet. And it will be available soon at Oh, shit. Hi, that's just, it's the kind of drawing that you don't want to live without and for $30 you won't have to. Nice segue. Very subtle.

Oh, man. So we've made it like a year, Karen, for a little bit of context without having any proper sponsors. But we're starting to get sponsors reaching out to us and just, y'all probably don't know this, but my brother will not let me sell out. It's so annoying. I've been trying to sell out since 2007. Carl's Jr. offered us $5,000, he'd a Carl's Jr. hamburger and a bomb brother's video and

I was like, yes! And Hank was like, those are disgusting and I was like, I don't care. Probably shouldn't have told that story. Nick, you might want to roll that back. It's up to you though. And he won't let me do it. But I'm trying to insert as many DFTBA product placements as I can into the show. All right, since he's not here.

OK, Karen, I have another question for you. This one comes from name pending, who asks, dear, John, and Hank, if I wanted to start writing under a pseudonym, how does that work? Do I need to create a whole back story for the life of that person, including a fictitious family? Yes. I think of author Bios on a book.

Do I just make it all up? Yes. Also. Also, do you just pretend this is a real person? Or do you have to tell strangers that it's a pseudonym? What if you pick a different gender, but then become super famous, and people want to interview you? Won't they feel deceived, or can you still never tell them and just decline all in-person interviews? Yes. So you know pseudonymous people. I do. That was one of the,

I belong to an artist group and a lot of us have debated this back and forth about whether or not to have a pseudonym as an artist's name or your own name and they both, they both come with pros and cons. Definitely social media and the loss of privacy is making a whole thing, whole person up. I mean, are you really John Green? Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm questioning everything.

No, if I could go back, I might not be though. Yeah, I'm not sure if I would. Yeah, I mean, I think the nice thing, well, artists' pseudonyms are often obviously pseudonyms. And there's no backstory to their lives. They're usually not names. Yeah, my friend crystals is Bamboota, which you should Google Bamboota because she's really talented. Right.

But nobody thinks Bamboota is the person's real name. So I think that kind of pseudonym is good. And then other than, the one thing I'll say is I don't like it, it's maybe a personal thing, but I don't like it when male writers, especially take on female pseudonyms because I feel like it's a way of trying to skirt around questions that they need to be addressing directly. I don't know if that's right,

but it's always made me a little bit uncomfortable. Whereas when Nora Roberts has that JD Rob, I don't know if you guys like Nora Roberts, but I'm a huge fan. She's a romance writer, but she also writes legal thrillers under this name JD Rob. That's not weird to me because that's the way that institutional sex isn't works. Well, when I first started... When I first started subbing work to sites and things, I took a page out of JK Rowling's book and subbed everything as K-Hallion. And a lot of people thought that I was a guy.

Sure. Everything on now is K-H Hallien, but Kevin, Kenneth? Kenneth. Kenneth Hallien. Yeah. Yeah. Well, now I know when Kenneth Hallien blows up online, I'm going to know exactly who that is. But yeah, I think I mean, that's something that a lot of women writers do, especially when they're first getting published, because there is, I mean, it's not really, it's talked about as if it's a politicized thing and of course it is political,

but like sexism exists in publishing and in most other fields. And art. And art, yeah, and it does affect, affects people's lives. That's the way that it works. It's not like a vague problem or just a political problem. It's also a personal problem in everybody's real life.

No, I was told by a few artists who were unhappy. I kept getting printed at a certain site that it was because I was a girl and they were choosing on Twitter. So many advantages to people. They used different words. Different words than girl. because I was girl and they were choosing on Twitter. So many advantages to being a TV show artist. Different words than girl, but yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

It's there. No. But it is. It's there. It's there. So anyway, name pending, do definitely invent an extremely complicated backstory. If you're going to do it, do it right.

Yeah, and not like a human human backstory either, but like a radioactive spider level thing where like something happened to you and you were one person and then you became somebody else and maybe it's even a thing where like David Levithan's book every day where you inhabit a different body each day. So every day you have a new pseudonym, I don't know, but it's gotta be extreme. Well then you do that and then you write that story and then it's your autobiography. Yes Brilliant So meta, I don't even know what it means. Love it inception. All right We had to get to this question guys Guys, this is a difficult one.

I don't want to sugarcoat it, make it seem like it's not going to be hard to talk about. This is from Alyssa, and she writes, dear John and Hank, in college, I volunteered to be a model for an ad campaign for the university, and I was told to wear the clown costume I wore for a theater production I was in since everyone in the shoot would be wearing crazy costumes. Now I want to pause here, Karen, and quickly discuss in that situation, would you have agreed to go to the shoot? Wear a clown costume?

Clowns are scary. Very scary. No. Deeply scary. No, I'm terrified of clowns. Yeah. No. No. I would never have, I can not imagine a set of circumstances that would result in me being in a clown costume.

No. A dare that you lost to Hank. I mean, no, I think I would just like, I think I would just be like, that lose. No. No. Not to give Hank any ideas. I would just be like, I lose. Not to give Hank any ideas. Oh God, that would be the worst. Sorry. I feel like I need to represent Hank here.

No, you're doing a great job. All right, unfortunately it gets worse. On the day of the shoot, I realized that I was the only one wearing a costume. That's the worst. They even gave me a laptop to hold so I could look more casual. A clown with a laptop is just so creepy. The ad became a group shot of normal students, and then me, as a clown. It gets so much worse. A life-size version of this ad has been up in

the San Antonio Airport for over three years. Brothers, how do I convince the good people of San Antonio that I'm not a crazy clown lady? Alissa! I think possibly writing in and telling us this so that now everybody knows was not the right way to go about it. Oh yeah. I'll tell you what every listener to Dear Hank and John is booking a flight to San Antonio right now Taken a selfie with that

We have a picture here We're gonna have more soon and I would like to tell you That it is not terrible. But I can't. You can't lie, don't lie. It's a very bad situation that I miss it is in guys. This is very dark. To be fair, clown makeup covers, I mean, she's not. Unfortunately, Karen, she's not in clown makeup.

She's just wearing the clown costume. It's a black and white. So, oh. It's awkward. Yeah, I mean, the obvious solution is. Change names. Change names. Plastic surgery.

Some kind of face altering plastic surgery. But then I think the obvious thing is. Oh, brace it. Oh, sorry. I was going to say orange is embrace it I'm raced it. Oh, sorry. I was going to say orange just embrace it. Create a Facebook fan page for this clown. I'm referring to this as the Ken Bones strategy.

I'm okay. Everybody's like, well, you're a nerd and he's like, Yup! I think embracing it, that's a strong chatter. Yeah, Twitter feed, Instagram, everybody posts their selfies with it on Instagram and tags her. Right. Do it?

Yeah, just own it. And then what were you saying, Hank, once you get sponsors? Right. Yeah, and we can have this college, Trinity University in San Antonio. That's one of my cousins went there Boy, that is a bad picture. We'll post it on the patreon. Oh God Um Well, she sent in the picture. I mean

I know it's just a very bad situation. And when she says life size, she means life size. Yeah. It's creepy. I can't imagine walking. It's in the airport. Did you see that? I mean, also, how is that a good advertisement for your university?

How does it happen? Oh, you'll love going to college here. There's seven students and a clown. That's not good. to college here, there's seven students and a clown. One other option that occurred to me just now is what if Alyssa just leaves her whole life behind, gets a pseudonym, moves to Finland, starts over, just like straight from scratch. Right's a book. Right's a book under the new pseudonym. Yeah, it has a whole new life. Where is that name pending? Name pending is not a terrible pseudonym.

No, I like that actually. It's pretty good. Oh, God. I'm so upset. Yeah, it's a good thing you're going to post that on Patreon. Yeah, yeah. Where you can subscribe to Dear Hank and John for as little as a dollar a month. Okay, we have an actually serious question. This one comes from Jasmine who writes, Dear John and Hank, I like many people and very

interested in and saddened by the global wealth disparity and poverty in the developing world. What I hear most is that poverty or perhaps extreme poverty is living on less than $1 a day. American currency is often very strong globally, which makes me wonder if this $1 a day is a fair line in countries where their currency is very weak in comparison to the US dollar. For example, my sister went to China recently and reported spending less than 10 cents on a bottle of water

Something that would cost seven to ten dollars here at home. Where do you live? New York Yeah, it's still seven dollars for a bottle of water. Yeah, that's close to yeah For a set if I'm getting a seven dollar bottle of water. I wish to be able to swim in it Boston too is pretty. Really? I mean, in Indianapolis, a bottle of water is about 10 cents. We've got Shanghai prizes.

I feel like when talking about poverty, there is no reference point other than the another country's currency. So this is really interesting and important thing to understand when we talk about absolute poverty. It's usually defined as a dollar 25 per day, but it is measured as purchasing power, what's a measurement called purchasing power, which means that it is the equivalent to a dollar 25 per day in the United States. So that is the amount of purchasing power that someone living in absolute poverty has. The equivalent of what you or I could buy here in the United States for $1.25 per day.

And that's why absolute poverty is so extreme. Now there is absolute poverty in the United States. There, here, it's often defined as less than $2 per day, and there are more than a million people in the US living on less than $2 a day. But it's important to understand that because it's often portrayed as a way to get out of the poverty trap. Oh, $1.25 a day goes a long way in Somalia.

Well, no, it doesn't because of, because that's not the way that it's measured. So I just wanted to be clear about that because I hear about that all the time and I think it's really important to understand. And also, it's a great question. So yeah, absolute poverty is really, really, really poor. And yeah, no jokes there.

No. I do have a joke about this though Wait, I wanted to read one other question. What does anyone know what time it is? Oh? My god, oh Karen we've all done all we haven't there's all these things we're supposed to do how much time do we have? I'm so bad at hosting a podcast All right, so we do this thing when we say the podcast was sponsored by and then I'll start and then you'll do one It's gonna be easy. Oh God what? All right Karen this is the part of the podcast where we where we thank our sponsors. Okay. So we didn't have sponsors

It's a great point. I mean great point. We don't we don't okay I'd like to thank our actual sponsors, but they don't exist. So instead we think about your fictional sponsors. So for instance, I'm going to start by saying that I would like to thank... Don't pick the clown one because I'm going to pick that one. Yeah. Damn it. Don't... If I find it first... Okay. All right. Yeah. Today's podcast is brought to you by these amazing B-Tead phones, these brilliant B-Tead phones, $300 or free. I was, yeah, I was gonna go with Trinity. Oh, that's great.

That's great. Is that good? Is that okay? That's awesome. What was it, Bob's Burgers? No. What is Hank Wanna? Bob's Burgers.

Oh, Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. We don't have that in New England. Yeah, it's in half the country. It's hardies and in half the country. It's Carl's Jr. It's the same disgusting burger regardless. All right, so today's podcast is brought to you by the clowns of Trinity University. Take that as you will. Oh man, yeah, we're so grateful to Trinity University for their continuing sponsorship of our podcast. I mean, there's spending money on that San Antonio Airport ad. How is that still there?

How? Can you imagine flying into that and seeing that? I mean, I would turn right back around. Yeah, I mean, I guess one of the problems with this is that you want to minimize somebody's feelings of public embarrassment in this situation. But you can't really, because if you're walking in the airport and you glance over, you don't ever think about the ads in the airport, but you're gonna think about that one.

You know, like you're gonna look over there and you're gonna say, oh, whoa, no. Anyway, the point here, I think actually there is a little bit of dubious advice. No, you- I was just gonna say, I feel like we're validating her suffering. Oh yeah, hopefully. Yeah, we want to, like, Alyssa, obviously, this is not her fault. No.

Except. Well, she did put the costume on. Maybe just to be safe, you should never put on a clown costume. I really hope you lose a bank bet to Hank. No, no, I mean, it's not on the docket, guys. I'm never getting into clown costume. It really, I mean, I am an artist. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I have drawn you before, in fact. I'll have no control over whether I get into clown costume. You drawn me as a centaur. Yeah.

Oh, God. You had the cutie mark? Remember, I think I, I don't know if you've seen it yet or not. It's a character in Wizard's School, because Hank cleared this with you. No. Okay, good. Good job, Hank. The cute, you know that my little pony

have those cutie marks? Sure, yeah, of course. Yeah, it was the little... I got one of those on my, on my hind. Yep. Ah. It's great. You know what, on second thought,

maybe don't buy Wizard's School. Yeah. I'll post that. All right. I want to get to one more question before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. But I don't know. You don't have tennis, right? No, is it racing? What is it? It's going to sit. You know what's great? You know what's great about this?

Like you guys are like, oh no, John's feelings are hurt, but in fact. You're happy to educate me, aren't you? Yes. I know. Anytime, anybody's like, Wimbledon, what's that? You're happy to educate me aren't you? Yes. I know. Anytime, anybody's like, Wimbledon, what's that? I'll be like, do you have 20 minutes? I would like to talk to you about the greatest sports story

you've ever heard. I don't know, I'm from Boston. Oh. Oh, come on, the socks are you kidding me? It's a great, when they won the World Series. It's a great story. The greatest story ever told. Are you kidding me?

It's a great story. You can't even look at me right now. It's a great story. It's a great story. The Red Sox are a great story. It hurt my feelings that their curse was broken and the cubs wasn't. But I was very happy for them. One of my cousins is a huge Red Sox fan, but the AFC Wimbleman story is just in a

different league. Okay. I'll talk. If you got 45 minutes after the podcast, I'll tell you all about it. All right, or just watch the movie in a couple years. Oh, for a movie. Well, yeah, Rosie Ann and I are making it. Oh, nice. Yeah. Oh, cool.

Yeah. All right. We talked to real movie studio, and did that against Make the AFC Wimbledon movie. Yeah. Nice. That's awesome. All right.

This is our last question before we get some questions from our listeners here today and the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. It comes from Freya who writes, dear Hank and John. Nope, dear John and Hank. I'm dating this guy and he's recently told me that he wants to be one of the people who goes on Elon Musk's Mars mission. How do I convince him that this is a terrible idea? I really like him, and I would like to carry on dating, but Mars is probably too far away

for a long distance relationship. And I'm not going to Mars with him because it is a cold dead rock. And I have no idea why anyone would want to go there. For how you are a person after my own heart. Can how do you convince your boyfriend not to go to Mars? Well I mean I was dating long distance from California to Boston and I convinced him to move to Boston recently. So I think that he's going to stay.

So how do you convince him not to go to Mars? I mean, Mars is kind of cool. No. I mean. All right, let me back up and ask you another question. Do you have any advice for that sort of cross-continent long distance relationship? Oh God, it's really hard.

We skyped every night for like, for me, 11 o'clock and him ate for the whole like an hour at night. Like that was how we kind of made it work and lots of traveling. But it was rough. Yeah, it was really rough. It was worth it, but it was really, really rough. I guess the best thing we had was communication,

like constant communication, and you have to trust them completely. But Mars, I don't know what the time difference would be for that. That's a great question. I mean, would they be years ahead of you? Or behind, I mean, are you traveling in the future? I mean, what is... If only we had a science person, that's not a question.

Do they have Skype? Well, according to the Martian kind of, but as I recall, Mars is like several light minutes. Maybe, is it? Oh yeah, one of you probably know science, Mars is several light minutes away, right? Like between. But it depends on where we are. That's why we can only go to Mars in odd numbered years, which by the way, if you can only make a space adventure in odd numbered years, it's not a risk we're taking. It's the best scenario you have to wait two years

to get picked up. And in the worst scenario, you know, your corpse on Mars. And then like people in the worst scenario, you know, your corpse on Mars. And then, like, people in the distant future will be like, how did this one corpse get to Mars? I know, like, they'll imagine a civilization that never existed when it was really, it was just you. Use anthropologists? Oh, confused anthropologists.

Yeah, I think first off, I don't think this is going to be a huge problem for Freya, because I suspect that by the time this Mars mission actually goes in 2028 or later, the relationship will have gone one way or the other. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. And if it's a marriage or it's a real long term committed thing, hard to imagine.

Well, I mean, if they just are dating, he's already thinking about moving like, years away that possibly, like minutes. Mike minutes. Sorry. Possibly the relationship isn't going anywhere. But, oh, I'm sorry, though.

I feel bad. Now I feel bad. But. I mean, that's not a bad point though. I feel like if Sarah came to me and she said, I want to go to Mars, that would be a big red flag. Yeah, I'm thinking that's code for something. Right.

Yeah, no, I would definitely be super alarmed. I mean, I'm thinking that the dating scene on Mars is not something to be worried about, though. I mean... Maybe, on the other hand, you know, when you're in a real intense situation with just four or five people. Yeah, that's true. Well, yeah, sure. You know? Do you ever see the movie Speed?

God, I love that movie. I love that movie so much. I know. I know. I watched that so many times. The only movie that's better is Speed 2. Oh God that's so bad. It's so good. I love bad movies like that. I do too. I do disaster movies. I do too. I love a disaster movie. I've watched what is it? God the one with the snowstorm hits me or oh God? It's the great movie. Have you seen San Andreas? San Andreas fantastic the rock oh, it's so good It's so good is there a more Reliable performance on earth right now than the one

Consistently put in by Dwayne the rock John. I love him so much. I Love him. I can't wait for Moana. The rock never makes a bad movie. I used to talk about this thing. Well, Scorpion King. I didn't see that. Oh, was it bad? As someone who loved the mummy, it was rough.

Oh, but I bet the rock was good in it. Oh, well the rock was great. Yeah, I mean, you know, like, an actor's only as good as his material. When Sarah and I first started dating, we talked about this thing called the standard Tom Cruise 6.8, which was that pretty much every Tom Cruise movie was a reliable 6.8. Like, you'd go to the movie theater and you'd be like, listen, I had a good time. I don't regret it. It was probably worth eight bucks.

Was it a good movie? No, do I remember the plot not really? But it was incredibly enjoyable. And the rocks like that, except instead of turning in 6.8, so he consistently turns in like 8.9. Yeah, I was just gonna say 8.8, that's still. That's good.

I was just going to say 8.8. That's... That's not going to translate to the podcast. Yes, what's your question? How do you deal with nerd competition? Because there's this kid in my English class. Okay, we took this vocab test and I got 19 out of 19. I was really excited about it. And then it gets a class like Neil, would you get on the vocab test?

20 out of 19. And I'm like, I try my best. But how do you get better than Neil in English? I'm like, I was a terrible student, so I'm probably not the most qualified person to answer this question, but I think you have to think of the long game. It's not how you do versus Neil on the vocab test this week. It's who's gonna have the better, happier, more fulfilling life in 20 years. And then, then you can send a Facebook message to Neil and be like, what's up Neil? That's my advice. Thank you. I don't know how to compete with that. See what I did

there. I mean, I don't even know what to say after that. I mean, there's definitely some artists that I follow and I see what they, what jobs they're getting and it makes me crazy because I wanted those jobs, but I think I keep trying to remind myself that I follow and I see what they, what jobs they're getting and it makes me crazy because I wanted those jobs, but I think I keep trying to remind myself that I'm competing against myself. I look at what I did a year ago or two years ago, three years ago and see that I'm going further and then I draw really bad cartoons for myself of those artists in clowns soup to make myself feel better. That's predictably much better advice.

Yeah. Thank you. So first off, could you sign my headphones? But realistically, I, so I'm a metfreshman at the University of Minnesota. And so I'm planning to get a degree in history with a focus on the Middle East. And people always ask me, why? You're a middle class white girl from Minnesota.

What are you doing? Why are you learning Arabic? So how do I explain myself to Or like justify I mean, I know why I'm doing it, but like what do you think's a good explanation to play KP? You don't need one you're doing what you want to do. You don't need to explain yourself to anybody Ask them why they're not. Why aren't you wearing our back? Why aren't you wearing our back?

You should be. I will give you your headphones back. Oh thanks. Oh, you want me to sign them? I'll sign them. I have a sharpie in my bag. This is going to be perfect. I mean, could that have gone any better?

Yes. Oh, wow. So hard to do. Nicely done. Sorry, I had to move the mic, because I'm too short. That's okay. So as a writer and an artist, what we advice feed to someone who is more of a science math focus and then struggles with writing papers or doing artistic things in school?

You want to take that one? Um, I don't know. You want me to take that one? I do, yeah. Um, I can't write to save my life. It's horrible. To answer an email, it takes me like an hour and a half. So, um, my sister is my business manager.

She's a writer, and I think I have learned what my strengths and my weaknesses are. And as I draw more and more every day, because I used to be a teacher for a long time, and I used to love math when I was in school, but I'm finding as I become more and more right-brained, other skills are falling to the wayside. My spelling has become horrendous. And like I said, it takes me a long time to put words together

and to write something legible. So I think that I have found people to help me in the weaknesses that I have. And I'll send, you know, if I have to answer something, and Amy will send me some interview questions, I'll do like stream of consciousness, and then she'll clean it up for me and make me look good. But, yeah, I think I've pretty much embraced my strengths and recognized what my weaknesses are, and then get help where I needed.

Karen should have an actual advice podcast. That's very good. I love your faces on that shirt. I know, yeah, it's a little weird. I mean, that must be very... I mean, I see my art on shirts, but thank God not my face. Yeah. It's cool though. I mean, that must be very I mean I see my art on shirts, but thank God not my face Yeah Cool though, yeah, it is very cool So Hank has talked about how he likes to ask people what their favorite bridges are

So the question that I am very curious about is what your favorite inanimate object is and if helps, mine is a coat hanger because they are the actual worst. My favorite inanimate object. Least favorite. Oh, least? Like, is there an inanimate object that you just abhor? Least favorite inanimate object? Well, yeah, this is not a very funny answer, but I have OCD, and I cannot abide the velvet microfiber textures on

couches or this tablecloth is okay I checked but it's just so horrible. And I don't understand why it's a commercially available product. Surely no one can handle being touched by that stuff. It's like being touched by a million fibers per inch. You're so conscious of the fact that it has a texture and it's so horrible, it's so horrible. So that's... Sorry. You need a minute? No, I'm fine.

I do, I hate it though. Sarah, at this point Sarah has to be like, is this an accessible texture for this item of furniture? And I to be like, is this an accessible texture for this item of furniture? And I'll be like, no. No. Ah. Chalk. Oh, I can't.

I can't. I mean, I was a teacher. And if there was a whiteboard, I would use it. And if there's a chalkboard, I wouldn't touch it. And then when I was in art school, and we had to use charcoal, is not much better or chalk. Like my fingernails are starting to just, I can't even. Yeah, it's not.

Terrible. Terrible, terrible. Terrible thing. Sometimes when I was in school as a kid, I didn't really know why I did this but I would hum very, very quietly and I try to find a way to cover my ears when the chalking was happening of the so just be like So bad So my sister couldn't be here, but I'm asking on her behalf She would like to know if you have any advice for introverts who are starting college. Oh

For introverts, what was the last question? Starting college. Oh God. That's rough. Terrible. Are you an introvert? Yeah. Me too.

This is kind of rough. I mean, just try to find time for yourself, try to find quite time that you need, and try not to feel too much social pressure to socialize when you don't feel like socializing. It's hard, but I had a hard time in college. I was very bad at it, so it's difficult for me to give advice about something that I was so exceptionally poor at doing. But yeah, I guess just like try to take care of yourself. In general, in those stressful situations where some things radically new, I think you just

have to try to practice really good self-care. Yeah, don't be ashamed of being introverted. Don't be hard on yourself and set little goals like I'm going to go to this party for half an hour and then I'm going to reward myself with chocolate after I do it kind of thing. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I'm going to have a big chocolate bar after this. Good for you, yeah. That's my reward.

That's my reward. Would you rather have to wear a clown costume for the rest of your life or have to visit Mars? Or have to what? Visit Mars. Go Mars. I mean, one of those things would result in my certain death. Right. Right.

Right. Yeah, I mean, I guess I'd go to Mars. Yeah, good choice. Yeah, you know, as long as I could bring my hat on, I'd miss my wife, but she would leave me if I had to wear a clown costume every day, so Well, she didn't say you couldn't bring her Yeah, but realistically I know that when I go and I say say I listen I lost a bet to Hank I'm about to make a weird choice No real no real idea why this is necessary, but I either have to wear a black costume for the rest of my life or I have to go to Mars. What if they're clowns on Mars?

We don't know. What's the hair? We get to Mars. Could you imagine? You get to Mars. And you're like, oh, finally, some alone time. Oh, I've just been craving this. And then you get out of your spaceship clowns everywhere Yeah, what are you gonna do a simulate

Damn if you don't have no a guy on Mars wearing a clown suit guy on Mars wearing a clown suit. All right, we have time for a few more questions. OK. I was going to ask you if you had any other great terrible disaster movie options if, assuming bad disaster movie date night. Oh, so many. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it would have to be like bad disaster movie weekend. I mean, let's just to be like bad disaster movie a weekend. Well, that's a good better. Well, it's just the two volcano ones, which one do you like better? Volcano or what is the other one? Volcano. Yes. I mean, this is everything.

Volcano is a great movie. I'm good, volcano, I think. Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah, he's great in that. Oh, and the guy goes into the lava. Tom Cruise movie. War of the World's excellent. Love that one. Standard Tom Cruise 6.8.

There's that great, there's those two great movies, the media or impact movies. Armageddon and Deep Impact. Deep Impact was depressing. Armageddon is just popcorn movie, Deep Impact was pretty depressing. Yeah, I don't like it when they get too weird. They got a little deep. Yeah, don't tell me what it's actually gonna be like. Yeah.

Yeah, in the title. This is true. Yeah. Any more comments? 2012. 2012 is a terrible movie, but it is a disaster movie. Oh, bad. I love that movie.

Yeah, no, it's delicious. It's delicious. What? disaster movie. So bad. I love that movie. Yeah. No, it's delicious. It's delicious. What? The core. Oh, when they drill down because they have to restart the core of the Earth, you have to see this. No.

Oh, it's Hillary's swank. Hillary swank. Oh, you got to. It's so good. How did you miss that one? How did Hillary's swank go from $1 million baby to the core? Oh's so good. How did you miss that one? How did Hillary's like go from million dollar baby to the core? Oh, so good. They have to jump start the core of the earth.

Sure, of course they do. Otherwise, how's it going to keep spinning? Oh my god. So good. Oh my. Well, yeah, Sharknader. Sharknader was fun to watch live and watch the Twitter feed. Yeah, Sharknader was only good on Twitter.

Yeah, it was good on Twitter. And then like so many things, then when they went back to the well, it got worse and worse and worse. I will give a shout out for what I believe to be the best action movie of all time, which is Die Hard 4. I just think it's like a... Which one was that when he had a kid? No, it's got Justin Long, the guy who plays the Mac in the Mac commercials. Doesn't he have a daughter, though? Oh, yeah, he's like a which one was that one he had a kid? No, it's got Justin long the guy plays the Mac in the Mac commercials

Do you have a daughter though? Oh, yeah, he's got a kid. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah I like the one before it was Samuel Jackson. That is also a great movie the weird thing about diehard movies is that they it was the first one Which was great? There was the second one which was okay? There was the third one which was great the fourth one which I think is the greatest movie of all time. And then the fifth one, which is the worst. I don't think I even saw that one. It's so bad. It's it's it's unenjoyable. Well, you need to watch the core. Okay, and you'll watch that one.

Yeah, all right. All right. That is our advice. Beautiful. Thank you. Okay. What is your favorite Pokemon? Both what would you pick as a starter in original Pokemon? And what is your favorite of the 151 originals? Are you on Pokemon Go? Oh yeah. Well, what level are you?

25. I am. I am. But how far are you into 25? I'm... I'm Mystic. Wooo! I'm Team to 25. I'm... I'm Mystic. Woo!

I'm team red. Yes! Woo! You just made my day. What is your favorite? What would you pick as your starter? Oh God. Well, my son picked my starter for me, and I think he picked...

He could chew, but I could be... Was he a starter? Yeah. I'm just... I'm new to Pokemon in the last like six months. You can hack it to make Pikachu. Pikachu is possible. We started with Squirtle. My favorite Pokemon to have, I was in England for six days. I spent, I don't want to tell you how much money on data.

To catch a stupid Mr. Mime, which you can only catch in Europe. It's the only one you can catch only in Europe. And on my sixth day, I took a five-mile long walk along the river. And at no point did I look up to see the sights. It was just tracking Mr. Mime. And then he showed up right outside the tape modern and it took 20 ultra balls and 20 and 20 raspberries he didn't run it was it was an epic battle he was staring me down the most horrifying, ugly Pokemon, is essentially the clown Pokemon.

Oh. And I was sweating. It was the most intense fight I've had since middle school. And when I caught him, when it said, Gacha, I thought I was going to start crying. when it said, gotcha, I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying.

I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying.

I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I was gonna start crying. I thought I thought I epic story like that.

I have a little sentimental one. My son, Ryan's favorite animal is a tiger. So he likes the... Gralath? Yes. So I have two of them. And one of them, I named Arca Ryan. And the other one is named for my youngest son,

who wants to be just like his older brother. So he likes tigers too. James Lith. So those are my two that I know. They're very cute. That's very cute story. All right, I apologize to everybody's questions we're not going to get you, but this is going to have to be the last one I think. Sorry. So my friends and I have had a question that we've been debating for 10 years. This was pre-Hamilton, so don't let that impact your answer too much, but we wondered what you consider to be the foxyest founding father.

All right, so what is considered the founding fathers? We have gotten Abraham Lincoln as an answer, so he's not a founding father. No, he's not a founding father. He have gotten Abraham Lincoln as an answer so he's not a founding father. He's not a founding father. He's a good guy. Yeah, it's also not Foxy really. Wow, I mean he's tall. Some girls like that. Yeah, he was tall. He's tall. He did also say, if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one. Um. Um. Uh. I guess for me, you got the, uh, it's a tough one.

I can't get Hamilton out of my head. Yeah, I mean, because Hamilton is so hot. I mean, it's really, really. I just, I like to see it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's tough. It's real tough. And then I'm trying to like, I'm trying to reach and come up with some more obscure founding fathers, but like looking at them, I'm not thrilled with any of them in my mind. Franklin had very good calves. Franklin was like 87 years old. I'm gonna go with Hamilton. I think I would have put Hamilton pre-Hamilton.

Okay. What about you, Karen? I mean, I don't want a copy, but I'm gonna go with Hamilton too. Yeah, I mean, in the musical Hamilton, it would be all Dividix, but I'm thinking the real ones Hamilton. Alright, one more question. Hi, I'm really nervous now. I'm asexual and aromantic and it can kind of be awkward if I'm hanging out with like my friends who have significant others.

I feel like I'm third wheeling like all the time. Do you have any arrow ace friends and do you have any advice for couples to kind of interact with people who choose to be single? Yeah, we do have an ace friend who we hang out with sometimes. We don't, well, you know, we don't socialize much because we have young children. I was just going to say, I don't really ever go out anymore. Yeah. Yeah, of all my friends, whenever I talk about any of my friends, I'm like, we hang out sometimes, you know, like four times a year.

Conventions, when I go to conventions, that's the only time I have a social life, really, that's it, at home I don't. And I guess, I mean, the main thing, I guess, I have very limited experience in this, but the only thing I'd say is that it's not, as a person who's in a couple, it's not uncomfortable for me to be in those situations.

Like, I don't feel like you're a third wheeling, if that makes sense. Like, if, when we're hanging out with a single friend, I don't ever feel like they're incomplete. Or that they're not like pulling their weight or whatever. Because in many cases, when people have a partner, you don't like the partner nearly as much as you like your friend. Yep.

So it's sort of worse. Yeah. Sometimes, at least, you know, and then you have to just be like, oh, God. That guy's going to be there. Wish there was a way to hang out with that guy without hanging out with that other guy. Hope the friend I'm thinking about doesn't.

There's like, don't say anything. Doesn't wish it did a pod too much. Oh apparently you have 15 minutes left. Shoot. Did you, is that more than you thought or less? That's more than I thought. Oh. That's good though. We'll get to a couple more questions. So yeah, I guess that's what I would say.

And maybe also just acknowledge it. Sometimes things are uncomfortable because we don't talk about them. And then when you acknowledge them they become easier. I don't know, it's pretty dubious advice. Thank you. Hi, my name is Ryan. Oh, no way. Is it really?

Oh. All right. Let's quickly care. And there's this person named Ryan, you wrote in. And when, sorry, I'll tell you all. When this person, Ryan wrote in, they said their name Ryan, like, six different times in the email. But then I also added it six more times.

And so people call me social. It's good name. What's going on, Ryan? Yesterday, you talked about the trolley problem when you were talking about the end of the fault Probably tell you that. It's good name. What's going on, Ryan? Yesterday you talked about the trolley problem when you were talking about the end of the fault in our stars. So what are your thoughts on the trolley problem? What would your solution be?

Do you know what this is? The trolley problem? The trolley problem? Yeah. Oh God, I thought you said Trump problem and I was like, that's not to that. Oh, thank God we haven't had a question. No, I was just saying don't let's not. Trolley problem? Sorry, you haven't had a question. No, I was going to say, don't let's not. Trolley problem?

Sorry, you made me think about Trolley. I know, I'm sorry, I know it was an hour with this new. Trolley problem, I always get it wrong. So I'm just going to tell you guys the wrong trolley problem because I always get it wrong. Basically, there's three people tied to the tracks. And then there's, yeah. Right, let's say there's three people tied to the tracks and then there's yeah right let's say there's three people tied to the tracks and the hypothetical correct yeah yeah okay thank you and there's a trolley coming it's definitely

going to run them over you can pull a switch that will send the trolley to a different path but then it will run over two people and you can see those two people and And also, you have to pull the switch to have it go. And then you say, what do you do? Most people make the passive choice, believing that it's not a choice, that they don't become a participant in this hypothetical murder. I mean, the good thing about the trolley problem, right, is that most of us probably are never going to find ourselves in a situation where we can do that.

But then on some level, we're always constantly making decisions passive decisions that You know are probably not in like the broad interest of the human species But are in the interest of like the people close to us, which is what the trolley problem is or one of the things that it's about I guess I do not have a solution for it. Is the rock available? That's my solution He would get them all, right? And then stop the troll.

Oh my god, he would. He would. He would. He would just be like, shh. Yeah. Do you know the rock eats six pounds of cod every day? Oh, I follow him on Instagram. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. He's just an amazing person. He is. Do you know that You know so when when you do press junkets. It's a weird horrible It's I don't want to like complain about movie stuff, but press junkets are pretty It's bad as movie stuff gets and basically you sit you sit in a room in a very small hot room And every six minutes a different reporter comes in and interviews you, and it's totally dehumanizing for everyone involved, and you cannot think about the reporter,

and they ask you the same questions over and over again, and it's almost impossible to think of these reporters as like people because you're so nervous about saying something wrong and getting in trouble or whatever, and it's just like a... and it goes on for hours, so you meet hundreds of these people, when I did the Paper Towns tour, I think I did like 500 press junket interviews and I'm not the rock. When the rock does it for like Fast and Furious 7, it goes on for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks.

And but the rock is amazing. And everyone I've ever talked to in the press, they're all like, you know who's great, the rock. He's so nice, he's so caring. And I saw this YouTube video, you know who's great? The Rock. He's so nice, he's so caring. And I saw this YouTube video, you can look it up. It's pretty amazing. This guy interviews the rock every time, the rock has a movie out. And the rock remembers him every time.

And they always do something like fun and cool together. And to surprise him, the rock officiated his wedding. Stop it. Of course he did. You know people say we live in a like you know in a post-God world but maybe not. I love him. I know God. Have you met him? Oh no, no, I couldn't bear to. I was hoping I was two steps like the Kevin Bacon game. Wait, if you had met him, then maybe I'd be two steps away.

I think I did meet him. Yes. I think he gave me an MTV Movie Award. You have an MTV Movie Award, really? I do. Do you really? That's cool. Funny story about it, actually.

The Fallen Air Star is one MTV Movie Award for Movie of the Year, which was really cool. But I didn't get an award. The director did, I mean, to be fair, I also didn't have anything to do with making the movie. So I probably didn't deserve an award, but you know, the director got one and the actors got one and the producers got one and I didn't get one. And then I called the producer of the movie and I was like, hey, can I get one of those MTV movie awards? Can I get one of those? And he was like, there are 300 bucks a piece. And I was like, can I get one anyway? And he did. He got me one.

But yeah, so it's in my basement. It's pretty great. That must be pretty cool. That is the best, the coolest award I have. I also have a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award. Oh, did you get signed? No, I didn't get to go to the show. the coolest award I have. I also have a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award. Oh, did you get signed? No, I didn't get to go to the show.

All right, it was still cool. Yeah, that's very cool. Those are the two weird things that happened to me. That's awesome. I hope we answered your question. The trolley question? Oh, yeah, we did. The rock.

Yeah, the rock. The rock, the rock. From now on, that's the answer. The rock. The rock. OK, I just wanted to remind you that you actually From now on, that's the answer. Thora. OK. OK. I just wanted to remind you that you actually did plug hearties and an abundance of catharrines.

And I wanted to know if you were going to retroactively ask for your $5,000 or maybe for $478 monster thick burgers. Oh, god. You say you've never been to hearties? We don't have them in Boston. Well. I don't think. No, not really. Your life won't get any better.

I mean, I wouldn't say that I plugged it in abundance of gatherings so much as I acknowledged its existence. Is that not what product placement is? But there is a weird history of this in American fiction of writers getting paid to do product placement basically. I do not do that. Oh, like in their books. Ah. In fact, there was a really interesting...

Did they have that for art? Huh? Sorry, go ahead. No, no, no. No, they're my... She's put like in the background of the Wizard School art just a bunch of hardy signs. Man, they're always coming from hardies or going to hardies. See, if we'd been working on Wizard School together,

that would have happened. But Hank, it was a lot. Yeah, Hank wouldn't let it happen. All right, sorry. No, I would never do paid product placement in a book. I mean, that would be bad. I'm not that bad. Hello. Hi. So I had an embarrassing experience yesterday where I was volunteering for the writer's panel and I met you and Ben Blacker, John, and I got a little starstruck and forgot to tell you that although my name was not Maureen Johnson, it actually was me.

So, my question is, what is your advice for people like me who tend to freeze and make fools of themselves when encountering people who are significantly cooler than them, like you and Karen? The first time I met him was at VidCon. Hank flew me out to VidCon to promote Wizard School. And we had just set up. And he turns the corner. And I literally was like, oh, John Green.

I have you remember that. I do remember that. Like with bodyguards. And I was like, hi. I mean, this is only the second time we've met. And I'm still kind of freaking out right now. You've all seen to be. No, I freak out about other artists that

have been at Comic Con. My friend, I say friend now, and I feel like I'm faking that. But Katie Cook, who's an incredible artist, the first time I met her, I think I was just starting to pursue art, and I had gone to a con just to kind of check out what it was like, and I went up to her. And I was like, oh my god, I love you so much. And you're so great and everything. She's like's like oh I think I've seen some of your work

I have one of your shirts I was like oh And I still I mean I've seen her conventions and I'm friends with her on Facebook for the last couple years And I still freak out when I see her and I'm still like completely in with Hank I mean I don't know what the bad I mean I think but I've also been on the other side in the last couple years. I've been lucky enough that people come up to me and they kind of get star struck and nervous and seeing what it feels like on the other side and knowing that there's absolutely no reason to be nervous at all. I know it doesn't help logically, like because I'm still, but I think I know I get completely nervous. It goes both ways. I think it's just normal. I think it's good.

It means you're excited to be talking to somebody. Yeah, I mean, I think the main thing is like sometimes after one of those encounters, I will break it down in my head obsessively and feel like, oh God, I was such an idiot. I was such an embarrassment. I can't believe that I said that. And they don't care. They don't remember. Jeffrey Eugenides has no idea that he met me.

He has no memory of meeting me. He just not care what I said. It went in one ear and out the other. That's what I tell myself anyway. Or like when I met Sherman Alexi, I was just like, Hi. Hi. We're like when I met Sherman Alexi, I was just like And yeah, I mean it was a disaster, but like you just gotta let it go gotta let it go so I'm trying to let it go

Still My strategy is to get in say thank you and get out Just get out fast Like treat it like a burning car, you know where you just Get out. Yeah. Just get out fast. Like treat it like a burning car. You know where you're just. It's also possible, but I forgot to say thank you. And indeed, that's my strategy. I'm very sorry that we have to wrap it up now,

but I'm getting the wrap it up sign from our friend in the back. I'm sorry that we didn't get to answer your question nice person who's next in line. I apologize. Should we give them this? The next person. You get this.

You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this.

You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. You get this. I'm a guy that's time to hang on the mountain like Oh! This is the guy who time to find out who talked more in the podcast with his sister Can someone please Google the AFC Wimbledon Swindon Townscore?

How far in the game is it? I love you guys for caring I love it so much Gentle reminder that you too can become an owner of AFC Wimbledon I love it so much. Gentle reminder that you can become an owner of AFC Wimbledon by joining the Don's Trust for just 25 pounds, which these days is like $8. Yeah, that's true. So, the news for AFC Wimbled then is that they are currently playing Swindon town

Just for a little bit of context. Yeah, I know. I'm in England. All right, so in English soccer. There's the teams at the top That's the premier league, you know like Manchester United. You ever heard of them? Yes, Chelsea Liverpool Okay, yeah, Liverpool owned by the Boston Red Sox owner, John Henry. And then, and then if you're a really bad team in the Premier League, the bottom three teams each year get relegated down to the league below that, which is called, hopefully, the championship. Right? And then the best teams in the championship get promoted up to the Premier League each season because the worst teams from the Premier League have been relegated. The worst teams from the championship get relegated down to the third tier of English soccer

which, and this is a totally reasonable decision, is called League 1. And beneath that, you have League 2, the fourth tier of English soccer, and then beneath that, it's semi-pro slash amateur. So these are the professional, full-time professional leagues. AFC Wimbledon is currently located happily, comfortably, right in the middle about there. This is a very visual gag for a podcast. And they're playing Swindon Town who's about there just below them, and it's zero, zero at halftime.

That's the update. Okay. So, because I need more context. Great. That's a team. Yeah. I thought it was a league or something. It's a team and they play soccer.

Correct. All right. So if you could sign this, I'm going to sell this in eBay. Oh. That, of course. Thank you. Oh, 16. There you go.

Excellent. Thank you. There you go. There you go. There you go. Maybe all day, we could give it to the best question. But if you want to sell it on eBay, that's fine. I'll let you back to that.

That's how we could do that. Oh, guilt me into that, all right. And the news from Mars is that Elon Musk has said that if you want to go to Mars, you should be prepared to die there. And leave your girlfriend behind. So he really did say that. So. Did he really? Oh, yeah. I I mean yeah, but you say it.

That's one of those things that you know. Yeah, you don't necessarily say that. You have to really articulate it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Would you ever, is there ever a world in which you would go to space? If I didn't have kids. Yes. What kids keep me here, like I, but what if you're like 80, your kids are growing up, they've got good lives. I hope I'm going to be grown up when I'm 60. I'm about 60. It's a good point. Yeah, well, I mean, then there might be grandchildren. It's true. And those you get to spoil and not have to discipline and I'm really looking forward to that It's true. It's true. It's tough. If I didn't have kids I would definitely be in in interested in doing much more Something like that, but those kids keep you on earth. I would I wouldn't go to space for all the money in the world. Why?

It just sounds terrible I'm a little claustrophobic. so now that I think about it possibly, I mean, I get nauseated just from being up on stage. Well, that's a whole different thing. You know, everybody's looking at you. Thanks, Karen. You're welcome. All right, so what did we learn today, Karen?

Well, I learned that AFC Wimbleton is a team, and they don't play tennis. So I think I'm ahead of the game this morning. Yeah, that's true. I learned never put on a clown suit. Never. Ever. Dangerous.

Those are what headphones look like. The beat ones? Yeah! I was picturing something much more elaborate. Yeah, those are not that big. Yeah. But I grew up in the 80s where everything was hair was... Right, you held in your huge hair with your gigantic headphones.

Oh, the ob-one at the... yeah. Yeah, it was. And lastly, we learned... What else did we learn? Hey, can I do this every week? We're like, what did we learn? What did we learn? What did we talk about today?

Lastly, and lastly, we learned, don't name your dog, Kami. Karen, thank you so much for potting with me. Thank you for having me. Again, you can find Karen's stuff at Etsy or all over the internet. What's your website? KarenHellion.com. Oh. Works out really well.

To have a name that isn't John Green. JohnGreen.com owned by a realtor in Southern Mississippi and has been since like 1992. Thank you for yeah, thank you for ponding with me. Thanks everybody for your questions. You can email us at hank and john at gmail.com or you can also send us tweets with the hashtag dear hank and john. I'm john green hank. Is Hank green Karen is hank green to. And of course, O'Lisa is at clown-o'-lisa.

This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Victoria Bonzorno helps out with social media, Rosiana Hall's Rojas helps with many, many things including questions. Our theme music is by Gunnarola. I love Gunnarola. Yeah, he's great. One of my favorite YouTubers. And as we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome. Oh, we should only have together.

Great idea. You guys are smart. Yeah. They're witty smart. Yeah. They're witty smart. Yeah, they're witty smart. Here we go, roll it back Nick. And as we say in our hometown, don't get to be all. Great. Thank you guys so much. This has been such a pleasure. You can listen to it in a few weeks when Hank is on paternity leave and have a wonderful

day. Thanks, Karen!