Dear Hank & John - 76: The Best of Dear Hank & John

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

A look back on some of the most memorable moments in the history of the pod! Featuring: Jurassic Mars, Ryan, OH MY GOD IT'S BURNING, John's atrocious cereal eating habits, pumpkins and penguins, the long con, and more! NerdCon: Nerdfighteria: www.nerdconnerdfighteria.com/ Email your questions: [e-mail]

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John, or as John wishes he could call it but won't be able to before 2020 at the earliest Dear John and Hank. Today it's going to be a little bit different. We've been making this podcast for a long time now and it's hard to expect everyone to have listened to every episode, but there are a number of things that have happened over the year plus that we've been doing this to get referred to, and maybe you don't know what the heck we're talking about. Also, we just wanted to relive some of the best moments of the podcast, so this is the best of episode of Dear Hank and John, the best of what we have done so far, just

a bunch of funny stuff that we put together for your listening enjoyment. I hope that it's a good time, and now we will begin. Today's podcast is brought to you by Life, the most interesting thing the universe has ever done, but make no mistake about it, temporary. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Brought to you by your needy family. There's seven of them, and they all want gifts. Today's podcast is also brought to you by Victor, who recently became a dad. Victor, he's gonna find out that dad jokes

just come out of you naturally. This is today's podcast is also finally brought to you by all I want for Christmas is you by Mariah Carey. Oh, I must for Christmas is you by Mariah Carey. Oh, I must for Christmas is you by Mariah Carey. Only available on American radio stations after Thanksgiving. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha spider in your room or you can be able to just get on with it. You know, sometimes I think, you know, there are a lot of legs in the world, but then I realize that most of them are on that spider. Hank Green, 1980 to 2146. Most of the legs in the world are on spiders.

So there's a lot of water on Mars right now. Yeah. Tons. So there's a lot of water on Mars right now. Yeah tons and Lot Mars has had a more variable climate than we previously believed yeah Were there dinosaurs on Mars. No But that would have been high school Hank Green's ultimate book. It's Jurassic Park plus the Mars Trilogy No, you know what would be that is if we were like, you know, it would be, we could make dinosaurs,

but we've seen the Jurassic Park movies. So we're not gonna put them on Earth. We know it would be a bad idea to put them on Earth, but... We're gonna have Jurassic Mars! Jurassic Mars! Oh my God! Hank, we have a bonafide hit on our hands. Somebody call Steven Spielberg Jurassic Mars. We had Jurassic Park. We had Jurassic World. The logical next step. Jurassic Solar

System. Jurassic Mars. All right, John. You're the writer, so I expect to read a short story called Jurassic Mars within the next six months. Mm, I'm pretty sure that that is a copyrighted idea and they seem to protect that copyright pretty aggressively. There's nothing copyrighted about the word Jurassic. I think there's something copyrighted about the idea of bringing dinosaurs back from the dead. Nah.

You don't think so? Nah. No way. Alright, then it's settled. Forget writing a short story, I'm a movie producer now, Hank. I have a movie producing deal with Fox 2000. I'm going to make the movie Jurassic Mars. Do you think Spielberg will mind?

No. No, especially if it's really, really surrealist and crazy, just stupid. Did you see Jurassic World? No, maybe it should be animated and it should be for kids, but there should still be lots of blood and guts. Jurassic Mars for kids. I mean, it's a great idea for a TV show. Dinosaurs on Mars is a fantastic idea for any format. I cannot think of a format where dinosaurs on Mars wouldn't work. See Hank, when you come up with, when you tell me the news from Mars,

I try to use that to make your relationship with Mars even deeper and better. And when I tell you the news from AFC Wimbledon, you dismiss it. And that is the fundamental difference between us. I did everything I could to be supportive of this time. Thoughtful, engaged sibling, who is truly a collaborator,

and you are an underminer. You are trying to undermine my passion and the world's greatest institution owned by its supporters. I did everything I could. I'll try to be better in the future. Oh, Hank, what did we learn today other than Jurassic Mars? Do you think that we could get Kristen Bell to play Veronica Mars, the character, and solve a mystery involving dinosaurs on Mars? You know, there's always one step too far and you took it. Is there always a mystery involving dinosaurs on Mars? There's always one step too far and you took it.

We need to keep thinking. We've only had this dinosaur on Mars idea for like five minutes. Let's not expect it to completely cohere yet. But it's coming together. I can feel it. I can feel the creative juices working as soon as we go off the air of the podcast I think you and I need to set up some meetings with Hollywood producers and it's just all dinosaurs on Mars all the time There is much to be hopeful about that is how I'm doing. How are you? Well, first of all, I just want to say how thankful I am that we got through your section of the house at Goons without any

mention not a single mention of Taylor Swift. Oh, that reminds me, though, that the weather is beautiful likely because Taylor Swift's 1989 concert tour is coming to its American end very soon. We have another question, this one's from Ryan. And Ryan says, dear Hank and John, my name is Ryan. And I'm fortunate enough to live a pretty comfortable lifestyle, by the way. Wait, wait, wait. What's his name?

By the way, my name is Ryan. So, It's the 17th time you've said that his name is Ryan in the course of 12 seconds. So, I've recently started to attend a new university, and my new friends who call me Ryan are not as fortunate as me. Hahaha. One of my friends told me, I don't know why, Hank.

I don't know why that joke got me so much, but it got me so much. Oh my God. One of my friends told me, oh God. One of my friends said to me, Ryan, I can't afford groceries this week, Ryan. Just keep doing it.

It doesn't stop being funny for me. It's like a sine wave. It's like every time I think that I've heard enough Ryan's another one comes and I'm like, I literally am tears. So I Ryan offered to pay for her groceries and she got mad at me who is Ryan for suggesting that and now won't even talk to Ryan anymore. I've had other similar experiences when trying to help my friends out. Am I wrong for trying to help my friends out financially? I just want to help them. Love Ryan, who is Ryan.

Ryan. I like your podcast, my name is Ryan. I'm sorry to laugh at what is not a funny question. It's not a super funny question. It's also not like this. It's not the heaviest one we've dealt with in this episode though. So if we're going to make a judge during one question, here's what I would say.

Here's what I would say, Ryan. Ryan, I think that you are trying to be nice and helpful. Would you say, John McQueen? Would you say, would you say, he's, Ryan? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Buh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha It is important to listen to them. Hey, do you remember in our last episode how I mentioned that I dearly want to have some kind of corporate sponsor in my life? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, it just so happens that this very week, 478 Snickers bars arrived at my office. How does this magical framerika? The nice folks at Mars, the nice folks at Mars sponsored VidCon, and while I was talking to them at a sponsor party, I mentioned that I'm a long time supporter of their company via my affection for Snickers bars. Apparently, this went up the chain somehow, and so a refrigerated box full of delicious, cool, Snickers bars, 478 of them arrived at my office yesterday.

And first off, I just wanna say thank you to my personal sponsor, Snickers. Secondly, I just want to say thank you to my personal sponsor, Snickers. Secondly, I just want to say other companies looking to sponsor me, please feel free to send me 478 of your products. So what you're saying is that you were just having a chat at VidCon. First of all, I have to say, we sell all of the sponsorships out of my office. We have those relationships, we have lots of, and never did it ever cross my plate

that an option for a part of the VidCon sponsorship was just a gigantic house size box of Snickers. That didn't show up on any of the deals. And I'm a little frustrated that apparently all I had to do was have a conversation with somebody. This is like the weird life of the public YouTuber where it's just people are like, hey, yeah, you like our thing here. Have I? Have two years worth of them. I wouldn't say that 478 Snickers bars is two years worth of Snickers bars. I'd say it's closer to it's a solid month though.

I mean, I'm gonna have a great month of August. Let's put it that way. I like Snickers very much, but 478 Snickers bars is like 10 years worth of Snickers. I'll report back next week and tell you how it's going. Okay. But I have to think of what else? To the people that work. what's going. What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going?

What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going?

What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going?

What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? What's going? for the record, if the people at bars are looking to have this being ongoing relationship. Stop stepping on my my communications with the Mars people. Hank, I'm wondering if there are other products out there that you would like to receive 478 of? Yeah, if I could receive a

478 heart-fared whalers hats. Are you a fan of the Hartford Whalers? I like them because they have a really nice logo and also they don't exist anymore as a team. Right, so that does somewhat, that makes it a slightly less good investment from the company's perspective

just because they no longer have a brand to promote. I completely disagree. They have a tremendous brand to promote. It's Hartford Whalers merch. Merge for a sports team that doesn't exist anymore is exactly what people like me who like logos but not sports is looking for are looking for. I myself, I'm a longtime fan of my Chevrolet Volt. I've had my Volt since 2012 and I would love 478 Chevrolet Volt. If the, if the Neantic company could send me 478 Pigeys, that would be fantastic. Because that would really help me with the level and up. I mean, if we're requesting 478 Pokemon's in a time hang, I can provide you with 478 Pidgeys.

They're sitting there in my frickin' list of Pokemon right now. What I need is 478 Jolteons or whatever. Vaporeons. Where are my 478 Vaporeons, Niantic? I feel like I'm the greatest ambassador for your product ever. In fact, Hank, while we've been recording this podcast, I've been studiously catching retinas, which grow in Indianapolis like an actual weed.

Nah, that doesn't sound great. We, you know, it's every Pokemon is important though. You can't say that one is important, just it less important, just because there are lots of them. That's not a very nice way to feel, just because they're successful, successful animals, and are weird, weird, you know, human habitats,

pigeons and retotas, and drowsies, they've been very successful in the places where we live. And that's fine. I think we should reward them for their success. I'll tell you what else I'd enjoy, Hank. 478 pairs of the sweatpants that I wear. I just...

I'm sorry, I'm stuck on how many Snickers bars I received, and it's given me hope that I'm really just a request away from the 478 Diet Doctor Peppers that I desperately need to go on living. What about, wait a second, what about if we could get a brand deal with the US Mint and they could send us 478 $100 bills? I mean, I feel like that's a, yeah. Is that an option? Are they, are they open to brand deals? Today's podcast is sponsored by the US Mint. The US Mint providing you with high quality $100 bills since 1881. Do you know when the $100 bill first went into circulation, John?

Yes, Hank. It was 1881. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. I also, not that I want in any way to problematize my relationship with the Mars company, maker of the greatest candies in the history of the world. But there are some other candy companies that I wish would also sponsor me. Okay. The makers of Fundip, if I could have 478 fundips, that would make me really happy.

I like Fundip because you put sugar on sugar and then you eat it. Big league chew. I would love 478 pouches of big league chew. 478 abazzadas, please. I have, maybe 400 to me watch them at carts. Oh God, I love a good watch them at carts. Who makes watch them at carts? Why aren't they sponsoring us?

Probably Mars. Can I get the 478 pockets? Some pockets? Hank, watch him, McCulloch are made. Just a pocket. Watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him,

watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him,

watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, watch him, Hershey Company, let me just say that next to Snickers bars, what's your McCulloch's are my favorite candy bars? Hank, we need to move on. This is not ultimately a podcast about us trying to acquire 478 items. It's ultimately a podcast in which we answer our

listeners' questions and provide them with exceptionally dubious advice. Apparently Clara is having a hard time preventing herself from being distracted by our excellence, death-based humor, and is burning her food. So let's just let's remember to yell at Clara every once in a while during this podcast. Oh my God, it's burning! I think probably she's good right now, but maybe not. Well, she's got that, she's got that, she can just make it so that her timer, instead of just making a beeping sound, makes that sound. And I think that that would,

it would persuade almost anyone to take their pizza out of the oven. You know, I think I might do that. I might, that might be my new timer. Can, how do you do that on an iPhone? Somebody, somebody tell me how to do that. Let's answer a different question. Okay.

Dear Jenny, nope. Dear John and Hank. Ha ha ha ha ha. The question is from Jenny. Dear John and Hank. All right, Hank, let's move on to another question from our listeners. This one, by the way, you can email us at Hank and John at gmail.com.

We always forget to say that Hank. And yet, somehow people find a way, which I appreciate, but it's Hank and John at gmail.com is our email address. Okay, Hank, this question comes from Sydney who writes, dear John and Hank, I need some dubious advice on a very important grammatical issue. It's how to shorten the term as per usual. People usually say usual, loud, loud, as per usual, by the way, when Sydney says people,

I think Sydney is referring to her peers who are I'm guessing 24 years younger than I am anyway How do you spell the use in as per you's does this make any sense? I just want to be able to write as per you's without saying in parentheses. I shortened that from usual without saying in parentheses, I shortened that from usual. I think... I mean, Sydney, you are my hero on every level. I love every part of this question. I think it's pretty clear. I think it's Y-O-O-J.

It's not Y-O-O-J. If you write as per you... As per you, it's... As per you, it's... As per you, it's... As per you, it's... As per you, it's... As per you, it's... As per you, it's... As per you, O-O-O-J people will actually pronounce. They'll have to like pause and they'll be like as per you. As per you.

Is that a double Trump saying huge? What is happening with as per you? No, you got to get the shh in there. So I'm going to go Y-O-O-S-H as per you. Nope, that doesn't work either. No, definitely not. Definitely not. It's you. it's depth why oh oh J w o g h as per who that's whoosh that's an

existing word w o s h we can't use an existing word g g h but anyway, I'm gonna go with... As per Wush also works. I'm gonna go with U-D-G-E-E. The second E is silent. It could be pronounced ugly, but I think that it will get across huge. This is an incredibly difficult question, Hank. This might be the hardest question

we've ever been asked to answer on Deerhank and John. Why O-U-S-H? As for Yush, nope, nope. As per you, as per you, you should, with a J. You gotta get the Y-O-U-Z-S-H. You, Sh. Why O-U-Z-S-H? I mean, that is definitely wrong.

I'm looking at it, I just typed it out. It's, you're close though. I think this, it's also more letters than usual. Just be clear. Well, yeah, no, there's definitely no way to spell it with fewer letters than our unusual. No, why, oh, oh, Jay. Why, oh, Jay, what, you, but doesn't,

that doesn't you sound like Donald Trump saying huge? It does, it does, yes. You've got to get the sure in use Is it why oh oh? SH that's you sh dang it as per why oh oh JSH as for you why oh JSH I don't dislike you why oh JSH although it looks very weird It's I agree it looks very weird I mean I don't think that I don't know if this is gonna be entertaining to our Podcast listeners, but you should really see you and I shared Google doc right now. It's hilarious

But you should really see Hank and I shared Google Doc right now. It's hilarious. It's just Hank and I desperately typing out things that sound vaguely like as per use. So somewhat on this topic, Hank, when my books are published in languages with other alphabets, especially in like Russian or countries where there is no J sound, they use a mix of the like D and X sound to make the J of like Dijon, basically, it's like Dijon. And so there's the like S sound of the X letter and the D sound of D.

And so they usually translate my name in such a way that I can sort of read the Cyrillic alphabet, but I always read it as like this book was by Dejon Green. Um, and I think we're running up against a similar problem, which is that the Latin alphabet has no way of saying as per use, which I'm almost going to suggest to you that even though it's going to make you feel like an old funny dirty, you just spell spell out usual because I don't think there's any way that we can get to use with our outfit. What about the, oh with the unloud?

Oh, like why unlouded OGE? Oh, it's brilliant, it's brilliant. Wait, how are you spelling it? Why unlouded UGE? J-E with an unloud as per UGE. No, that's still J. But maybe it's still you. Why? Oomlaut is used as a key.

Because I'm what I'm hearing is, you use E. I can't type an Oomlaut or you apparently. I don't know how to do a back keyboard. Sydney, we figured it out, but it does involve an Oomlaut. And I don't know if that's on your iPhone keyboard, but I would go with as per you, I don't know why I assume, your iPhone keyboard, but I would go with As per Use,

I don't know why I assume by the way that Sydney has an iPhone and types the iPhone. It's like I feel like I know her, although I don't. But As per Use with an Umlot is the way. That's the way. Yeah, maybe just Umlouted UGE. Oh, that's good. Umlouted UGE, that's simple,

it's fewer letters than usual. It also, it's as per huge. Nope, I don't like the J. I'm gonna stick with why Um-louded USH, maybe SHE. Well, it's possible that we spend enough time talking about. Well, I almost feel like we should start a spin off podcast. Um, where, where we just decide upon new spellings for abbreviations.

I'm into it. Or how to pronounce things. Like, Hank, do you ever wonder how to, like, remember back in the day, um, when it, instead of saying BRB, if someone was gonna be gone for a while from the internet, they would write AFK away from keyboard. Yeah.

I always used to pronounce that in my head as AFK. Sure, but I've never known how to pronounce BRB. You know, is it Burb? Sure. Is it brub? Burb. Burb. That makes sense.

It's interesting when we look at words that don't have vowels, the noise that we put in, I talked to a linguist about this one time, is this sort of like what we call a neutral vowel sound? I don't know if we call it that, but in English it's sort of a U sound like a, and like burb. B, B. And actually, if you listen to English very systematically, that's most of the noises we make are these augh noises, and we don't even think about it.

But like, if I just said about, that's an A, but in fact I just said augh, bout. Right. And it's more of a U-noise than an A-noise. Who knows why and how linguists figure this stuff out, but I was fascinated to talk about it. And that is a really great story, I told you. That was a really great story, but it wasn't as good as the 12 minutes

that we spent analyzing out right as per you. Oh yeah, I feel like we're probably, I feel like we're at a low questions per episode right now. Yeah, we have it. This has not been our best work. Yeah. Today's podcast is brought to you by our best work. You didn't get it today.

Did the podcast is also brought to you by Stacey's mom. She has a purple tank. And she also has it going on. It's easy to forget that Stacey she also has it going on. It's easy to forget that Stacy's mom has it going on because they only remind you about it 16 times over the course of the song. Well, I mean, but she does. It's important to tell you because you're so distracted

by her purple tank. It's true. I mean, it's weird because like, why do you really want to hang out with Stacy's mom? Is it because you think that she's beautiful or is it because you wish to acquire this purple tank that she's driving around? Who knows?

Or maybe just spend a little bit of time in it. Today's podcast is also brought to you by the Western Brownline L-Stop in the city of Chicago, containing all of the world's dead pigeons. And finally, today's podcast is brought to you by The Noise, uh, The Noise, uh, It sounds like a you noise, but it's really just everywhere and everything we say all the time.

Uh. I wanna tell a story about Katherine one time. Can I have this story about you? Yes. You know what I'm gonna tell? Oh man, so Katherine did an internship at a wildlife rehab place, and she was living in a dorm basically

with a bunch of other people and There's this guy in the dorm that Catherine really didn't like he was really annoying and he was difficult and he was mean and I can't even really remember I agree I met him and I also really did not of why I just liked him, but yes It was not it. Yes. He was an unpleasant person and he was very I try not to think about him Yeah, it's not a thing a really want to maintain a memory of. And I was visiting Catherine at this dorm and she admitted to me that she would... When no one was looking, squeeze his fruit.

Going to the shared kitchen area. And I would just like squeeze all his pairs so that they would get brown spots. It's awful. So bad. You never want to get there with a person. I wasn't in a good place. To fruit squeezing. It was a very stressful time in my life. Oh no, I know. I know. You're not proud.

Anyway, but it was, yeah, I'm so very passive. Aggressive. Yeah. A lot of door slamming in my life. very passive, aggressive. Yeah. A lot of door slamming in my life. Yep, yeah. And it's just important to keep those lines of communication open so that we don't get to fruit squeezy face.

Yeah, you know, but I didn't care about maintaining a relationship with this person. No, it's not like I was really just going to have a conversation with him about not leaving his dirty things everywhere and just stop have a conversation with him about not leaving his dirty things everywhere and just stop being a terrible person. Yeah. Anyway, communal living is a challenge. Yes, communal living is a huge challenge. Oh, boy is it.

Yeah. I'm glad I only have to do that with one other person. Like even then is like, okay, well, we'll just keep keep. Excellent. Oh my God, it's burning! So you do have an email style, but you don't have a sign off like Shazam. Right, right, right.

I'm not saying it should be Shazam. I'm just saying that is an email sign off. The other one that, so I have a friend who always writes yours, why are S, comma, return, return, and then their name, which I've always kind of liked, like it's sort of old-fashioned and weird but very specific. And then I have another friend who I shall not name, but is an extremely famous and successful author who always signs off their emails until Anon.

Oh, wow, every time. Every time emails until Anon. Oh wow, every time. Every time until Anon. And I don't really know what that means. What if it was like a cutesy fun thing, like pumpkins and penguins? Hank. Oh man, pumpkins and penguins. I mean, it's kind of cutesy,

but like when you're emailing the CEO of YouTube, do you really want to end it with pumpkins and penguins? Yes. Hey Susan Wajitski, Hank Green here, hope all's well, just a couple quick notes on the YouTube demonetization crisis, pumpkins and penguins, Hank. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm going with it. I think it's a terrible idea and it could literally kill our business. I, which leads me to, I almost forgot about our sponsor this week, which is, of course, Pumpkins and Penguins Association of America.

Yeah. Pumpkins and penguins, they don't have a ton to do with each other, but we formed this organization for efficiency sake to advocate upon both of their behalf. I mean, what are like, what are the shared issues of pumpkins and penguins? I guess they're both concerned about climate change, like all species. Sure. Uh-huh. Yeah. They don't, uh, no, not really much. It's like a raven and a riding desk kind of situation here. Okay, I've got something that pumpkins and penguins have in common.

They both waddle. Like, pumpkins don't actually waddle, but you can tell that they would if they had feet. I mean, if you give them a little shove, they'll wobble at least, which is like waddle. Right, so like, the penguins and pumpkins association of America is standing up for, you know, organisms rights to law. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And they both are composed of flesh. They have flesh inside of them. So they're a pump sure. Penguin Dissociation of America is pro flesh

and the preservation of flesh. Only pro flesh. Yeah, and like not having your flesh scooped out from the inside so that you become a hollow corpse with a light inside of it. Like, that's another big issue for both penguins and penguins. You know, honestly, I have to say, though, that that's probably the only thing keeping the pumpkin's industry alive. So they're probably really pro-scooping out flesh and having a light placed inside where they're used to be life.

It's pretty vital to the continuation of the pumpkin as a species since it's such a terrible food. Yeah, did you know John that like the pumpkin mix at the store that you get to like make pumpkin pies with? It is even made out of pumpkin. Because pumpkin is of course not. Pumpkins are disgusting, which by the way is another thing that pumpkins and penguins have in common. Their flesh is basically inedible.

Oh yeah, yeah. Penguin flesh is not good. Did you know John that penguin flesh is so rich and fat that you can throw it, like you can literally have a fire composed of only penguin flesh? Mm, that is disturbing. Let's move on to what else brought us this podcast today. Okay, Hank, let's get to some questions from our listeners.

I wanna start with what I think is the most important question we got this week. It's from Pia, who wrote, Dear John and Hank, how do I tell my family that I have secretly learned to play the fiddle? I recently saw an amazing folk band and after their performance, I was inspired to learn to play the fiddle. I'm sorry I can fairly read the... What, what, I don't know what's funny about that part.

I had thought that Pia had already learned how to secretly play the fiddle. But it turns out that Pia is planning for a future in which Pia has secretly learned to play the fiddle, which is not a current, current outcome, but a future outcome. No, no. Pia is putting together a long con, Hank. However, I predict it will take a while before I'd be comfortable enough to play in front of anyone. That's probably a good point, Pia. I'm also not totally convinced that you're going to be able to teach yourself the fiddle in silence, in secret somewhere, but I wish you luck. In a few years, should I gather my family in the living room and appear to them to their shock playing a jig?

Or should I just approach each member of my family individually and surprise them with their favorite tune? Best wishes, Pia. This is the best idea I've ever heard. I hope Pia has a better idea than flying a spacecraft into the center of Jupiter. I hope that Pia has a very large home or a garage in the back,

whereas Pia spent a lot of time in the garage. What is Pia hanging out in our soundproof basement so much? Yeah, I mean, I think as long as you're going to approach each, I think it's better if you approach each member of the family individually and play them their favorite tune, ideally arranged specifically for the fiddle. But in order to do that, you have to make sure that they're not going to communicate to each other, that this has already happened. And the only way to really make sure that that's going gonna happen is if you do this individually with each of them

at the exact same time. And so I think what you have to do is have multiples of yourself also learn to play the fiddle. Yeah, I think when you learn to play the fiddle, all your clones also learn to play the fiddle, although I'm not sure on the science of that. But my thought was, I totally agree with you that the first person

could potentially spoil it for the last person. So I'm imagining that Pia has like four siblings, two parents, and one grandparent who's living in a nursing home. So what you're gonna wanna do, I think, is first, you're gonna wanna shock your grandmother. You're gonna show up, you're gonna have a duffel bag. Obviously you can't have a violin case, that'll give you a way, you gonna have a duffel bag, obviously you can't have a violin case,

that'll give you a way, you've got a duffel bag, you show up, your grandmother's sleeping, and she just, she wakes up and she's like, oh my God, Piotr in the fiddle. And then, you cut your grandmother's phone line. She doesn't have a cell phone, thank God. So you just cut the phone line in the nursing home, so she has no way to get to the outside world. You race to your phone. No, no, no, no, you have to cut the phone line in the nursing home. So she has no way to get to the outside world.

You race to the whole nursing home. So like the exterior line that runs to the nursing home. She could use a different phone. I'm sorry Hank, I didn't think of that. Great point. So you cut the phone line to the whole nursing home. Then you race to your dad's workplace. He is an accountant.

Yes. Nope, nope. Nope. He is in the local symphony orchestra where he plays the violin. But Pia had to see a band playing fiddle before she was inspired to learn, not from her father, but from some randos. Exactly. So she shows up. And her father of course begins to weep because he's always wanted Pia to learn the violin. And now she's like a fiddle playing my strobe, presumably. I assume that not only do you learn how to play the fiddle, but you're really, really good. And then then you go to your mom's work. She's in a car. But before before she goes to

her mom's work, she has to burn the orchestra hall home with her dad in it, so he doesn't tell anyone. That seems like a terrible plan. He might die. Well, I mean, he's not gonna tell anybody. You're, this is a real human being we're talking about, Hank, this isn't fun in games. We're not having a goof.

This is for real. Oh, I apologize. All right, Jesus. I mean, Pia has a real dad who is a real violinist. So then you go to your mom's work, she's the accountant. You play her, like, what is a great accountant song? I don't, has there ever been a great fiddle song about an accountant?

Is the devil went down to Georgia about an accountant? I can't remember. I don't think so. You know, I'm a little bit worried that you've set this goof up and you've built in also four siblings. Oh, yeah, no. And it's going to be about 25 minutes long.

Oh, just to be clear, this is going to be the rest of the episode of the pod. I had a bunch of questions I wanted to answer, but I guess we'll get to them next week. Yeah, I mean, seriously, if we get to them ever, I almost think that we should start a spin-off podcast entirely devoted to Piaz Longcon. We could call it Piaz Longcon, which is a pretty good name for a podcast. I think you should just write a short story. No, I think so with the four siblings, you're going to want to catch them all at the same time because you're going to want to see all their faces as they react to both your fiddle playing and to each other's shock about your fiddle playing.

I mean, this is the best idea for a YouTube video I've ever heard of. Pia, you must do this. You must spend years mastering the fiddle. At the, like, you must let no one know that you are mastering the fiddle. You must become the greatest fiddle player since that Charlie's Daniel Bans song about the devil going down to Georgia.

And then you must do this and film it for us. Yeah, I think that the hard part isn't going to be cloning. It's going to be finding something boring enough to tell your family you're doing. Right. But they won't express any interest in it. Great call. Pia has gotten so obsessed with bingo, and she's always down at the bingo hall.

Nobody had to go join you with the bingo hall, because it's bingo. But maybe they will accept that you've just gotten obsessed with bingo. And we'll also explain all the money that you're spending on lessons. Well, my understanding was that Pia was going to be a self-taught fiddle player so that not even a teacher would know about this long con.

I think you've got to keep the circle as tight as possible. It should just be like, Pia, you, me, and everybody who's listening to the podcast. All right. Well, it is a difficult thing to pull off, but I'm looking forward to hearing in a few years how it goes. See you in the YouTube video. If you, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if writes, Dear John and Hank, on drinking cereal milk, I think it's very important not to be wasteful.

I don't like cereal without milk, but I also hate the taste of the milk after my cereal has been in it. I was just wondering, how do I reconcile these two things? Well, I, one, I love the taste of my milk after it's had cereal in it. It's far better than the taste of just milk.

So, I have never had this problem. I'm just like, I want as much of that at the bottom of the bowl as possible. But for you, I have no suggestions. My suggestion would actually be to go ahead and send your cereal milk to Hank because he's extremely enthusiastic about it, Allison. He lives in Missoula.

And in my experience, if you just write a letter, or I guess it wouldn't be a letter, it would be a sealed package. If you just, you know, put it in a Ziploc bag, they put it in a box and just write Hank. Then maybe in parentheses, favorite bridge is the one in Missoula, the pedestrian one. And then beneath that Missoula Montana

and a zip code in Missouula, it'll get to Hank. Yeah, no, no, I think you just write Hank Mizzula, and it'll find its way to me. But I would suggest actually that you just put it in the zip lock and then write on the zip lock, Hank Mizzula, and then just put it in your mailbox, and it'll get to me. No, you're gonna have to put some stamps on there. Listen, the United States Postal Service

doesn't work for free. No, no, it's all about saving milk, there. Listen, the United States Postal Service doesn't work for free. No, no, it's all about saving milk, John. They understand that when it's about efficiency, they can go the extra mile. No, I feel like the carbon footprint of that milk would be much higher than just throwing away the milk, actually. Alice and the right thing to do in this situation is to throw away the milk.

I think probably John is correct. Or find a friend who really enjoys cereal. Have that friend come over to your house and drink your cereal milk, which is so much more intimate than anything that you can do. I think the most horrifyingly intimate thing. I wouldn't even drink the cereal milk of my children. Hank, can I make a terrible confession to you that you already know about? Sure, yes. So I do not like milk of my children. Hank, can I make a terrible confession to you that you already know about? Sure, yes. So I do not like milk in my cereal. And one day, I would

say maybe three or four years into our marriage. I had a bowl of raisin brand, and I did what I always do, which is I went over to the refrigerator and I stuck the bowl of raisin brand up against the water thing, so that water would come out and then it would water my raisin brand, which is how I like to eat my raisin bread. What? And my- I do not know this about you. That is disgusting. And my wife, I mean, you know, we were married. I think we didn't have children yet, so she still could have gotten out of it. My wife, I mean, she's never looked at me before, like that, with just pure disgust.

And I have to say, I think that eating your cereal with water is the best way to eat it. You don't add calories, you don't unnecessarily use an animal product, and you get all the sawginess and crunchiness of a good wet cereal. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, John. Oh my god. It's delicious, you should try it. You don't know, you've never tried it, it's great. Oh my God. It's delicious, you should try it. You don't know, you've never tried it, it's great. I haven't.

It just seems, it seems, it seems inhuman. It seems, it seems not of this world. If you told me a space alien put water on their cereal, I would be like, okay, I guess. But a human being on the planet earth. Oh my god. I'll try it, I'll try it tonight. When I have my 11 o'clock bowl of frosted mini-weats,

I'll put some water on there and waste some frosted mini-weats for you. Just make them awful and destroy them. Let me know how it tastes on the next episode of Dear Hank and John. In the meantime, I think that we have adequately plummeted the depths of Allison's question, and it is time to answer a new one.

Except that there won't be another question, because now we are back in the present, back in 2017. We've been doing this podcast for quite a while now, and I've loved it. It's been so much fun. Had a lot of good times, and I'm glad that so many other people enjoy it too. So thank you for listening. I hope that you liked this thing and I hope that you enjoy being a part of the Dear Hank and John

community. If you want to give us a rating on iTunes or a review or whatever that's called, that would be super cool. This podcast is produced and edited by Sam Antonio Lee. Thank you for doing this cool, fun episode, Sam. And thanks to everybody who sent in their suggestions for which bits we should include in this special pod. Our theme music, as you know, is from Gunnarola. If you want to help support the pod, you can do that at patreon.com slash deerhankinjohn.

You can email us your questions at hankinjohnatgemail.com and as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.