Dear Hank & John - 79: Tiny Useless Pelvises (That Are Still There)

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

How nice do you have to be at the grocery store? How do we know humans didn't come from Mars? What is sound even? And more! NerdCon: Nerdfighteria: www.nerdconnerdfighteria.com/ Email your questions: [e-mail]

Hello and welcome to Dear Hagen John. I was a very spooky beginning, although I guess we do live in spooky times, or as I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast. It's not anymore. Guys, this podcast will never be funny again. There's no longer a comedy podcast. Our mistake, we should never have created a comedy podcast in the first place. This is a drama podcast. Our mistake, we should never, we should never have created the comedy podcast

in the first place. This is a drama podcast about death. It's a dromity. And which John and I will answer questions, give you DB advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. I do and John. Great. How are you Hank? I just, I could hardly imagine a way in which I could be better. How about you? Oh, man, I tell you what you Hank? I just got, oh, I could hardly imagine a way in which I could be better. How about you? Oh, man, that's all you want. You know what's nice is to look into the face of a smiling child.

Let's just think about that. Oh, God, puppies are great. Oh, man. I have a, I've had a, I've had a really pretty intense stomach ache for going on two weeks now, more or less without pause. I'm not loving... Ah. You know what I'm finding it hard to do, is like be entertaining like I do the urge to be entertaining is not really inside of me right now so yeah

This is this is what you're gonna get folks Right well Like what's tell me something that you like tofu patai Like, God, tell me something that you like. Tofu Pat Thai? You know what I really like lately is the music of Snow the Product? Do you listen to the Hamilton Mix tape? No, no.

I gotta like, mess up here and just like a hundred percent admit that I've listened to like two Hamilton songs that I've listened to a lot. Oh my God. You've gotta listen to the Hamilton Mix tape, Hank. It's awesome. I haven't even, I haven't even listened to the whole Hamilton soundtrack, John.

Oh, come on. I know. I know I'm a bad user of popular culture. I also haven't listened to Neil Cesariga's new mouth mood smash up album, which I feel like I'm missing out on tremendously. It is terribly, terribly important that you listen as soon as possible to the Hamilton mixtape because it will provide you with hope in these dark and difficult times.

And lots of people will be like, I don't understand what's so dark and difficult about these times. And to those people I just say, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh. The scary thing is that like, that the days between when we record this podcast and when it comes out, there's gonna be so many other things that people might think we're referring to.

Sure. But it's not those things. It's just, it's the things from earlier in the week. It's the stuff from, it's the stuff from last earlier in the week. It's the stuff from last week that we're talking about, not even the new stuff. But of course, by next week, the stuff from this week will have been forgotten because the news cycle now lasts for four milliseconds.

Well, that's the only way to do it when this is- I'm completely fit fascinated by the new news cycle in which we live, where nothing is ever really news because it is always supplanted by new news. But that means that the old news never lasts long enough to be properly contextualized, so no one understands what it means, and then we move on to the new news, which we don't have time to find out what it means,

because there is now new, new, new news. Anyway, here is a poem by Carol Ann Duffy called The Dark. It's a poem for children, but I feel like it's also a poem for all of us right now. If you think of The Dark as a black park and the moon as a bounced ball, then there's nothing to be afraid of at all, except for aliens.

The Dark by Carol Ann Duffy. Oh man, on the list of things I'm afraid of right now, aliens are like negative. The Dark by Carol Ann Duffy. Oh, man. On the list of things I'm afraid of right now, aliens are like, like negative. I'd prefer, I'm like, aliens, please come on by, tell us what we're doing wrong. Help. We do need some guidance. Help me, aliens. That is what I would ask.

I would ask, how did you guys get through this period in your history when, uh, when, just concerned about the extent of political polarization in the United States and also the declining faith in our fundamental political institutions because those it's all made up ideas Hank it's made up ideas that we have agreed together to believe in and when we start eroding faith in those institutions by for instance arguing that between five and seven percent of all votes cast in the presidential election were cast illegally by people who don't exist or something without any evidence of that, like you just start

to erode that faith in the institution itself, in the idea of voting being reliable and once you start to undermine that institution, this boy, when this happened in Rome, it was a big problem for them and not like a problem for a few years, but a problem for like the last like 1700 years. Anyway, John, I think we should probably do a question. It's from Christian. Who asks, do you, Hank and John, I was listening to your podcast on my phone and I put the speaker on my face when I felt the wind or some air displacement acting as wind on my skin?

Is it the sound waves of the podcast blowing wind on my face? Are your voices touching my skin? What is happening? Thanks, Christian. Yes. That's what happened. Our voices are touching Christian skin. I have a question for Christian.

Not to put this back onto Christian, but what? Why? Why did you put a speaker up to your face? I don't know. Maybe because he wanted to have our voices touch his skin. So that's really what's happening though. Our voices are essentially caressing the skin of a stranger.

Well, the skin of tens of thousands of strangers and it's happening to all of them right now, simultaneously. That's what sound is. It's a mechanical wave in air. So air is getting compressed and like, it's like compressions and decompressions of air. That's what that's noise.

And if you are really close to it, you can totally feel those compressions. So it's not like wind, it's not air moving across. It is the, it is changes in the density of the air that you're feeling. And that when you feel that with your ears, your brain is able to interpret that as noise and sound and words and then decode those words into meaning and it's amazing and isn't life beautiful, isn't humanity beautiful? Aren't we something spectacular that has maybe only happened once and shouldn't we just celebrate that for a moment. I got that. I got that.

This question comes from Ryan. Ryan identifies himself as not Ryan, but that's exactly the kind of thing that Ryan would say. So I'm going to assume that his real name is Ryan. Ryan writes, dear John and Hank, when you die, would you like to be turned into a tree? Also, what kind of tree would you want to be once you die? I guess this is a thing. It's called the bios urn.

Thanks for the pod, not Ryan, which is exactly what Ryan would say. I figured we could get back on topic, Hank, by turning the podcast back into death, where it needs to be, which is on the subject of death. Hank, I'm not sure about this. I'm not a lawyer, and even if I were a lawyer, I don't think I'd specialize in wills and trusts, but I do believe that if you make a statement about what you want to happen to your remains on a podcast, that is legally binding. Oh, so we're doing it right now, or're last one testament John gets my my my stereo and

Do I get your stereo that way I can listen to your music and you'll be whispering it me from beyond the grave I'll be caressing your skin with my dead dead noises. No, it sounds beautiful Sorry, what are we talking about what do you want what about a tree? What's gonna be done with your body? Are you going to turn into a birch tree? I don't know. I don't know. So John, you have opinions about physical burial. Tell me about them. It will surprise you to know that I have thought about this quite a lot.

Yeah, okay. I have a friend who digs graves for a living. And I do like, I like the fact that he'll still have a job. Like if we all start stop burying ourselves, what's he gonna do? I'm pretty sure that job is gonna be taken by automation fairly soon, Hank. No way.

I think that there's a lot of craft and skill that goes into digging holes for graves because you have to like, you got to make sure you don't kill the trees, and yeah, you can't automate that. Okay. Let's get to the point here, which is, what do we want to have done with our bodies? First off, obviously, I want to be an organ donor. I'm strong organ donor.

If there's any way for me to be an organ donor, I want to be an organ donor. If there's any way for me to be an organ donor, I want to be an organ donor. And then I don't actually care what happens to my body, whatever is convenient and least traumatic for my family is fine with me because I will be deceased, so it won't be of pressing relevance to me. I would, however, like a headstone. And the reason I would like a headstone is not that I'm like a narcissist who wants to be visited by people of the future. It's because I have found it very helpful in my own life to visit the headstones of my ancestors, especially from our mom's family, the ancestors buried in Tennessee, but also our grandparents who were buried here in Indianapolis. I've just found it helpful to have a headstone and a grave to visit.

It doesn't actually matter to me if the persons remains are technically interred there. I just, I like headstones. I think they are an underrated and underappreciated facet of contemporary American life. You know, I want to say that I think that it's important when I don't have a strong opinion about something to just not have a strong opinion about it.

So I'm not going to have one. I'm just not going to have an opinion about this, but I do want to say to Ryan, and maybe I should, because eventually something will have to be done with my remains, because I will die. But I do want to say to Ryan, that I would like to be turned into a tree, but I will tell you that I am already being turned into a tree. The way that atoms work is they're constantly coming in and out of our bodies. And I breathe out carbon dioxide all the time. And that carbon in that carbon dioxide was once part of my body. And then that carbon dioxide gets sucked into the leaves of trees and turned into lignin and cellulose and all of the proteins and structural compounds that make up trees. It happens

all the time. I am already part of many, many trees. You just go out there and you breathe on some leaves. You're part of that tree. And then you can go back and be like, hey, hey, friend who I just made and then went on a hike with. Earlier, last year I breathed on this tree. I'm in there, I'm in it. That's me, that's me tree.

Hey, is it possible that the only real purpose of human life is to turn oxygen into carbon dioxide. Ah, no. No. Oh, okay. Because I was thinking that would imply that there was any purpose to human life, John. Let's move on to another question. God, this podcast is so funny. I mean, this all of this is going gonna be in our next best of episode.

Boy. Oh yeah. Maddie writes, dear John and Hank, how do we know that Mars wasn't the first place humans were, but we left it because it was dangerous or something. I assume the or something is that the fundamental political institutions for the nation of Mars collapsed.

Maybe there was a war or it slowly became uninhabitable, or at first it was just like a lot of these votes are illegitimate and then slowly it became that the idea of certain people voting was illegitimate and then slowly it became that voting itself was illegitimate. Engineers at NASA have said that the evidence of water showed that life could have been supported. So how do we know that that life wasn't us? Maybe the reason NASA hasn't figured out how to get back to Mars was because that's how we got here and the government has erased all proof and technology. Please help me figure out my true ancestry, Maddie.

Now, Maddie Hank is conflating several conspiracy theories in this single question, which I love, because that in 2017, America, the conflation of multiple conspiracy theories is actually the dominant form of discourse. So it's great, it's really, it's helpful for me. It's a glimpse into how this stuff works, but I'm just gonna answer the question as far as I know it,

and then you can answer the question as far as you know it, which is that Maddie, the good news is that we know how long human beings have been here on Earth because of radio carbon dating, or not carbon actually, but what radiometric dating, I think it's called, but also for other reasons. There's lots of things in the fossil record that tell us how old stuff is, and we've had humans for around 250,000 years. We're very new species, and we did not come here from Mars.

We know that we didn't come here from Mars partly because early humans did not seem to have any kind of space going to technologies, indeed. In many cases, they barely had spears. But also because we know that 250,000 years ago, Mars was not a particularly habitable place. So we're pretty sure that humans are not from Mars. And even if they were, I can't see how the government, one government could have erased all proof. I feel like it would have had to be all the

governments and they would have had to have a real, they would have had to be really well organized. I don't know if you've ever visited the UN, but it's hard for them to get much done. I'd be John. You answered that question perfectly and wonderfully. And I think it was great. There was nothing, on a technical level that I would add at all.

But I would add. Do we know Hank, whether if life existed on Mars, like it's very unlikely that there was like life on Mars with two cells, right? Yeah, well, that's the thing about life, the vast majority of it, even on Earth only has one cell. I know, believe me.

I often think about the total weight of bacteria being 1,000 times the total weight of humans. Yeah, they're big. And that's just the bacteria. There's all kinds of one-celled fungi, and then there's archaea. There's got some good stuff. Paramecium, amoebas, brain eating amoebas.

Yeah, those guys, they're really quite advanced. They got a lot going for them. Yeah. Yeah, so the diversity of one-celled life is remarkable. But, yeah. The thing I wanna say though, is maybe, maybe, but probably not. Cause that's how all facts are now.

Okay, okay, okay. Tell me, give me your most realistic humans came from Mars scenario. Try to just try to approach it as best you can, be as realistic as you can. Humans came from Mars. All right. When? Here's the most realistic explanation for how humans came from Mars. All right. When? Here's the most realistic explanation

for how humans came from Mars. We don't know for sure that they didn't. No, that's no good here. Okay, listen, I can actually make a case that humans came from Mars. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, John, John, this isn't how we make cases anymore. We make cases by being very clear that no one really knows anything.

Right, and it's hard to prove a negative. And that's all you need. And then it's not. So given that you can't prove the negative, the conversation is probably true. So given that you cannot definitively prove that humans didn't come from Mars, even though you can, it probably means that humans did come from Mars

because failure to prove a negative constitutes the truth of the positive. This question comes from Jill. You've asked the last three questions. Alright, you ask a question. Am I never gonna ask a question? Ask a question. I only want a little bit of justice in this world, John.

This question comes from Jill who asks, Dear Hank and John, how nice do I need to be at the grocery store? Well, I'm standing in line at the express checkout. A lady got behind me with only one item. I let her go in front of me, seeing that I had about 12 things in my cart. Right after that, another lady got behind me with only one item, and I didn't let her go in front of me. And she acted annoyed. Was I wrong not to let her pass? What if like four more people with only one item each got behind me?

How am I supposed to let? How am I am I supposed to let all of them through help? I need answers horses and goats Jill All right, Jill a couple things first off You say you have about 12 things in your cart if you're in the express lane You need to know exactly how many items you have in your cart if it's 12 You're in the clear if it's, you've committed one of the greatest crimes known to man. Yeah, well, I mean, like, like, like being nice at that point is right out.

It doesn't matter at all. You've broken the rules. You've broken the deep down essential rule, yes. Secondly, and Hank, I don't know if you're gonna agree with me about this, but listen, Jill, last year, the year before that, 1962, then maybe in those situations it makes sense to let the person with one item get in front of you, but this is 2017 America. And what you need to do is take care of number one, look out for yourself, and we all know from reading the fountain head

that if you look out for yourself above all others and care nothing for the interest or needs of other people that the world will reach its best possible state. I'm worried about this podcast, John. Why have we gone off the rails? I'm worried about this podcast, John. Why have we gone off the rails? Yeah. Um, uh, no. I'm going to answer this. I think we're all, I think we're on the rails, John.

We're just on a different set. I, uh, I want to answer this question honestly for Jill. And I will say, Jill, you did the right thing. Oh, I was being serious. Uh, you did the right thing in letting that first person go and then saying, okay, well, there has to come a time at which I actually check out. But the person behind you doesn't know necessarily that you've already let one person through. And so this is a situation that is just clearly a small misunderstanding. And in the course

of human history, that will have a large effect on the happiness of any of the people involved. It has shown that you have spent a fair amount of time thinking about it, which I think is fine, but you probably can now move forward out of this experience and not have to worry about it. It's the kind of situation where you're like, maybe you were short with someone because you were frustrated with another situation in your life. And they have to be understanding that sometimes the reason of someone is in polite is not because they are not aware of the etiquette or they are not a good person,

but sometimes they have bad days. And sometimes something is just not the way that you know that it's complicated. And so I think that the person who maybe thought that you were rude needs to be a little more understanding that sometimes the world is more complicated than it appears at first to them to be. One of the hardest things about being a human being is imagining the lives of strangers generously and complexly,

and nowhere on a day-to-day basis is that more difficult for me than while standing in line at the grocery store. Like you just have to be able to think it is possible that this person who is being very inattentive in the way that they're going about paying for their groceries has just had an extremely stressful day, and that's why this is taking 45 minutes. And if you can do that, it makes human life feel less like this series of minor oppressions in which you're forced to participate in bureaucracies and more like you're part of a community and that is actually quite a heartwarming thing and that you can be generous toward this person you don't know.

In doing so, it will make their life a little easier, but weirdly, it will also make your life a little easier. Hey, John, do you want one of the questions now that I've fixed that static that was on the podcast? Sorry, everybody, for that static? Yes, I do, I do. This one is from Zach, who asks, dear Hank and John, on a recent trip to the planetarium,

I learned that not only is the curiosity rover much bigger than I had originally thought, but it also has a laser for scientific in quotation marks research. Given that there may be life on Mars, could this giant laser firing robot be seen as a hostile invader from the point of view of microscopic Martian life? Were the aliens in war… were the aliens of view of microscopic Martian life, were the aliens were the aliens in war of the worlds actually just trying to do research on us? Maybe they were, maybe they were just shooting their little spectrometer laser and vaporizing us to see what we're made of. Does NASA take that into consideration? But yes, Zach, kind of, they do, kind of.

Really? Well, yeah, I mean, they take the life into consideration. Not so much the, I don't take so much the, the zapping it with lasers. Like I think if we burned up a couple bacteria on Mars, probably wouldn't be the end of the world. But, certainly not the end of our world, but it could well be the end of the Martian world if those are the last two bacteria

It just seems very unlikely that they would be Out there on the surface if there's bacteria or if they're single celled life or any kind of life on Mars It would be very likely below the surface where there is less radiation to disrupt it But hey, we don't know but it's a big of Mars, and we're only in a very small place. But I do like, I like the idea of an alien species just like sending down this giant robot to Earth and being like, what are you guys made of? Buh!

I'm just destroying all of us. Yeah, they don't have a concept of individual life forms, and they're like, well, obviously, you know, this is just like burning a couple of skin cells off. So we're just gonna be like, waw, and burn a couple of those human beings off the face of the earth because they must be part of a collective in which no individual matters at all.

Like us, the aliens are. And I can see that. I can see that kind of, like, that kind of ignorance because it's so hard to imagine the way that life would be for another kind of life form because we know this one way that it works. Like, it's easy to forget that all of the vertebrates on planet Earth evolved from one kind of fish.

That's why we all have two legs and two arms in a head and a spine. And we are all laid out like the exact same. Like there aren't any animals with four arms unless they don't have any legs. And that any vertebrate, any terrestrial vertebrates. And that's a weird, like even snakes. Snakes sometimes even have tiny little legs

still hiding in there. And like, manatees have pelvises that float inside of their bodies, not connected to the legs that have now disappeared. It's like tiny useless pelvises that are just still there. And- That's a pretty good name for a band. Tiny useless pelvises. Better still there.

That's a long name. That's a long one. Yeah, maybe it's like tiny useless palvices. Our first album, Still There. I just needed to interrupt you really quickly because earlier you said that there are no animals with four arms, and that is inaccurate. And I know that Henry would be upset with me if I did not point out that that is inaccurate because of course there is an animal with four arms. It is called May Champ and you could say fighting type Pokemon. Yeah, also all the things from Pandora, the world in Avatar, and which I always thought was like, oh yeah, see, differently laid out bodies, that makes a little bit of sense. But it didn't make sense to me that not everything on Pandora had forearms.

I was a little frustrated by that, like, that there were some, but not others. I could see it happening, but it's unlikely. But it's why, like, dragons, for example, don't make sense, because dragons have wings and also arms and also legs, and that would be six total limbs. And that just has never happened. Like, you couldn't, it's, like, amazing that it's never happened. But it's like, we have a way of laying out bodies and that kind of radical change to the layout just doesn't occur, which is why, for example, whivers are totally acceptable, which just have wings and legs and are dragons, but without the arms. So go whivers from now on, everybody, that's what we're calling the mascot

of Dear Hank and John the Podcast, the Wizards. I mean, this podcast is so far off the rails, Hank, that I'm thrilled that we now have a mascot, but tragically, there's no one still listening. It's just you and me out here. We're alone at the end of it, like, we're walking on the edge of the world, looking down at a vast abyss together.

And we are like laboring under the delusion that there are people here with us, but it's just you and me, man. Ah. I think there's a couple of people who've held on. Just six or seven that are hoping maybe we get to one of the questions that they sent in, and they're like, hey guys, but I know that you're on your thing and that you're worried about your things,

but I had that question that I really wanted to ask, but yeah, sorry. Maybe it was this question. Okay, let's see. This question comes from Mary who writes, Hiya, John and Hank. I've been wondering what the difference is between calling someone blank the second and calling them blank junior. Do people call themselves the second to seem fancier?

What gives? In cert Clevver sign-off here, M.K. Mooney, PS, I was able to meet you all in North Carolina for the tour to Nerdfighting when I was in sixth grade. You two are amazing and have helped me through so much, thanks a billion. You're welcome, a billion, Mary. Also, it is very helpful to know

that you are from the American South. Because I have noticed that in the South, there are a lot of seconds, and also a lot of juniors, but they are not the same thing. They are not, and in fact, it is very important to me that you know this, because I am a second, and I don't want you to think that I'm just trying to be fancy. That's right. Hanks not just trying to be fancy. No. In fact, I actively attempt to not be fancy, despite the fact that I am. I, so my dad's name is not my name.

My grandfather's name is my name. And so I am not junior because I would be junior if I had the same name as my dad, but I do have the same name as someone else in my family, so I am the second of that name in the family. That is why I am the second. Right, so. But it is really weird.

Like, why do we have the second at all? And it's like an official part of my name, like on my driver's license, it's weird. Yeah. Like I'm a king of something or like a pope. I don't need to be a second. Like the second of his name. Well, I mean, you are kind of the pope of our family.

I'm not kind of the pope of your family, John. I'm in no way. I mean, of the extended family, obviously, you know, Sarah, Sarah is the pope of our nuclear family. I'm saying, you're the pope of our extended family. And what, in what way am I the pope of our extended family? I mean, if you told everybody of our extended family? I mean, if you told everybody in our extended family, you know, Catherine, Sarah, Henry, Alice, Orrin, mom, dad, if you told all of them, like, there can only be one Pope who shall it be. I

think we would, I think we would blow the red smoke for you. He said not totally confident on how, how, how, how popes get elected. I, uh, you know, I, I, I don't know that you're wrong, but I don't want that. I don't want that responsibility. Well, you have it. Fresh air. It's not your fault, but it's true. Um, oh, my bad, my bad white smoke.

Oh, my bad, my bad. White smoke. The white smoke. How tell you what, I've always wanted to be Catholic, and I've always been as high an Episcopalian as you can possibly be without just going over and becoming Catholic, but I don't know my Vatican, I don't know my Vatican rituals that well. Well, John, that will encourage you to know then that this podcast is brought to you by Vatican Ritual.

Vatican Ritual. You need it, you need to know more about it because even though you're Episcopalian, you have this weird interest in Catholicism. And that goes for everyone. Everybody's Episcopalian with a weird... By the way, almost every Episcopalian I know is a weird interest in Catholicism and that goes for everyone Everybody's a Piscopalian with a weird way almost every Piscopalian I know as a weird interest in Catholicism And of course today's podcast is also brought to you by the darkness the darkness Currently surrounding dear Hank and John not just sponsoring us, but also inside of us I have this podcast is also brought to you by facts

We don't exist anymore. Facts. I mean, the weird thing is, so like people are gonna, people are gonna say that we have a liberal bias Hank, but like you know the truth about me, which is that it's very difficult to say that I have a liberal bias because I am like not a particularly politically liberal person,

but I have been completely thrown over the edge by the refusal to engage with facts and data. Ideological rigidity scares me more than almost anything, and I am a deeply afraid person. And ideological rigidity in the face of like facts that argue against your position just terrifies me. Okay, sorry. Lastly, today's podcast is brought to you by The Grave. The Grave, one of the great underrated American traditions.

And also the place to which we are all headed. I was saying I was a friend the last night and one of my friends has a child who has a blanket that he sucks on and the blanket has just become disgusting. And like I can't imagine that he lets his child put this in his mouth and it's like you have to throw this away. But the child is so attached to it that like they're afraid of his like psychological well-being if the blanket goes away. And I was like, well you know, like someday his mom's gonna go away. And some like we're all gonna die.

So like you start off you gotta be like that blanket, it's gone now, it's gone, it doesn't exist anymore. And someday that's gonna happen to your dog and your daddy and all your brothers and sisters and now you understand death. So that is that, would that be like the proper way to parent John? I mean, I have to say, hearing that story, I've never been so proud of you.

That's not the response I expected. Hey, let's move on to the news from Mars and D.O.C. Wimbledon. Oh, really? Are we already there? We've only been recording for like 30 minutes. I am in my heart. I just want to talk about sports, where everybody agrees to play on a certain level playing field, and everybody agrees to play by the same rules, and you can't change the rules one-third of the way into the game.

Oh, sports. Oh, God. Well, I have some really good Mars news. It's good. It's very exciting, Mars news. I have some really good Mars news. It's good. It's very exciting Mars. I have some really good AFC Wimbledon news. But I feel I feel like we should do one more question. Maybe we'll do one more question after the news. Get people to hang on. Hang on. Sure. Let's go to hang on through the darkness of the news that they don't really care about that much. I want to go first, John. That's just just not true Hank. People only listen to this podcast for

the news from AFC Wimbledon, which is as follows. On January 21st AFC Wimbledon played Chesterfield. It was a thrilling nil nil draw and life thrilling. I mean not the best. And then yesterday, as I'm recording this at least, AFC Wimbledon played Gillingham or possibly Gillingham. It's like Giff and Giff. Nobody knows how to pronounce it Hank. And you know what happened? What happened? I mean, this at least ASC Wimbledon played Gillingham or possibly Gillingham. It's like Giff and Giff. Nobody knows how to pronounce it Hank. And you know what happened? What happened? I mean imagine the most exciting thing that could have happened. Is it a nail nail draw? It's literally even better than a nail nail draw. Is it three...one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one deal down to two on up. That's the way they win the cup. Hank.

Yeah. The game was won not by AFC Wimbledon or by Gillingham. It was won by our old friend, unplayable pitch. Saga pitch. Yeah. Saga pitch.

Frozen pitch. That's very exciting. Inverged to the winner. And AFC Wimbledon's magic and Gillingham or possibly Gillingham. Congratulations to Frozen pitch. That's very exciting. It merged to the winner. And AMC Wimbledon's magic and's gilling him or possibly gilling him. Congratulations to Frozen pitch. Their first victory against AMC Wimbledon this year, but if history is a guide, not their last.

That sounds like some really great news from AMC Wimbledon, John. So in the first, is that, are you done, by the way? That's it, man. Frozen pitch. I emerged victorious. Well, I have to you, the first time Amar's news is gonna be brought to you by a press release, which I, it's very exciting to me

because I love this press release. And it is from the newsroom of the Houston 2017 Super Bowl. And they would like you to know that the host committee unveils Wow Factor Experience. Do you want to know about this Wow Factor Experience, John? Yes. The great thing about press releases is that you could just say them exactly

because they are meant to be plagiarized. So I can just do this without having actually writing down. That's the whole point of a press release. The Houston Super Bowl host committee today unveiled future flight as its wow factor for the 2017 Super Bowl Live Fan Festival. Featuring a virtual reality experience and numerous hands-on space exhibits, future flight will share with the public the incredible journey to Mars and beyond.

The unveiling took place at the 2016 Space Commerce Conference and Exposition, also known as Spacecom. Quote, the host committee has declared Super Bowl LI, whatever that is, what is it? 51? Is it 51? LI? I think I'm not a Roman citizen. As it says, the Super Bowl of the Future, in the city of the future, said Sally Sargent,

president and CEO of the Human Super Bowl host committee, did I say human? Houston. Nothing says future, the human Super Bowl, CEO of the Human Super Bowl host committee. Nothing says future, more than deep space travel, the human committee is thrilled

to partner with NASA. And I don't know why they keep having to say that they're made of humans, but apparently that we have to be specific now. The human committee is thrilled to partner with NASA and the leading space industry companies to create the future flight experience for people to enjoy during Super Bowl live. So this is actually a pretty cool thing. They're building like one of those towers that like drops you, so but you're wearing virtual reality goggles while it's happening. FutureFlight's key component is a virtual reality ride

that takes guests on an excursion through space to the red planet and back, using actual footage from Mars. Guests don't virtual reality goggles for the two-minute and 10-second ride. It concludes with a 90-foot drop, they actually drop the people that transports the rider visually from Mars back to Earth, landing on the 50-yard line of the NRG Stadium just in time

for kickoff of Super Bowl LI, whatever LI is. For guests who prefer not to experience the 90-foot drop, there will be a special presentation area outside of the attraction to experience the virtual reality portion of future flight without dropping off of a tower. It's very exciting, John. Look at that. You can go to Mars. It's a super big one. I'm gonna be up for that one. Yeah. Yeah.

They got a special John Green edition of the ride as well. I appreciate that. For guests who don't want to fall 90 feet out of the sky. Oh, God. Imagine that's the majority of guests, but you know, these days people do all kinds of things for thrills. Well, that's great, Hank. I'm sorry that you won't be at this Super Bowl in Houston. I don't know for a fact that you won't.

I'm just guessing based on everything that I've learned about you in the last 37 years that you're not going to be in the Super Bowl at the Super Bowl in Houston. But so that's gonna be a real bummer for you to miss out on that, but the good news is that you won't be at the Super Bowl. Yeah, it seems unlikely, John, seems unlikely. I mean, I have to say, I wish... Why doesn't all Mars News come in the form of press releases like that? That was fantastic.

I was very excited. I don't know. But I also... and all Mars news come in the form of press releases like that. That was fantastic. I was very excited. I don't know. But I also feel- A.C. Wilden has good press releases too for the record. Maybe I'll start reading them on the pod. Do you show them? I should.

Hank, what did we learn today? Other than the fact that like Hank and John are not in a great head space right now. Oh God. We learned that dragons are impossible, but whivers are not. It's true. It's true. I'm glad I learned that.

Oh man. We of course learned that Hank, or as I shall now refer to him, Pope William Henry Green, the second is the Pope of our extended family. We learned that if you breathe on a tree, you become part of that tree. And can we just revel in the beauty of life on Earth for a moment? And how wonderful it is. It is so deeply interconnected.

And it is almost like if you are a destructive force for it anywhere, you are a destructive force for it everywhere. I'm sorry, I took that to a negative place when I did that. Man, you did, you did. You could have said like it's almost as if you are a destructive force against it. That is, it is just such a harmless little caress of breeze on the majesty that is the constant and willful fight against entropy that biological life is. That was actually quite beautiful. And lastly, we learned that when you are standing in line at the grocery store, you must endeavor to be kind to others, especially when it is difficult, because

this will make your life better, and also everyone else's life better, and isn't that kind of what we all need right now. Yeah, just, I just wanna go to the grocery store and like get 12 items and go to the express lane, and then just let everybody go in front of me for like two hours. Just like yeah. And then at the end of that process, it's gonna, I'm gonna have 12 bottles of wine,

and in my cart, it's gonna be my 12 items, and then I'm just gonna give the 12 bottles of wine to the employees at the grocery store. Be like, hey you guys, I don't know if you drink, but if not, give this to a friend. And if you do, have a nice night on me. I totally think you should do that, but I also think that it is absolutely criminal

to give away wine that you yourself could drink. Hank! Thanks for potting with me, but now please remember that we live in a world where if you buy wine you must drink it yourself and not share it with your friends or with strangers unless those friends or strangers can benefit you in some way. Right, of course. Well, that is what friendship is for. That is literally the case. That is literally the case, Hank. That is the only reason friendship exists is so that you can

use that friendship to further your standing and life, and then at the end you will still be dead. Dear Hank and John, it's produced by Rosiana Hoss Rohansson, Sheridan Gibson. Our editor is Nicholas Jenkins. Victoria von Jornos, our head of community and communications. Our music is by the great Gunnarola. We will endeavor to be less horrible next time. Sorry, but this is a real glimpse of now. It's really going over here in Greenland, guys. Greenland is a nice phrase that we've never used before. That's weird.

I don't know why we've never brought that one up before. You can email us at Hank and John at gmail.com. What else is going on? Yeah, we're also on Twitter. John is John, Greenhank is Hank Green. You can use the hashtag to your Hank and John if you want to tell us that we got something wrong, which obviously doesn't actually matter because facts don't exist.

And as they say in our hometown, please, please, please, please, let's all work together. And don't forget to be awesome. please let's all work together and don't forget to be awesome.