Dear Hank & John - 90: Glitter Soul

Episode Date: May 2, 2017

Are you really in the clear with liquor before beer? Should I embrace the error on my birth certificate? Does it really matter where I go to college? And more! Email us: [e-mail] Patreon: patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank Good John! Norse I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank. It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother John answer your questions. Give you a newbie advice and bring you all the weeks to us from both Mars and AFC Limbeldon. How you doing John? I'm doing well, thank you. I just received in the male 378 Tumblr stickers from Tumblr. Oh wow.

And actually from Tumblr Tumblr. Yeah, from Tumblr itself. And I feel like this 378 things joke has gone a little bit too far. We got a back away from it, Hank. What are you gonna do with 378 stickers? Give me something I can eat Tumblr. Yeah, well, Tumblr candy bars.

Some Tumblr hot pockets. You know, some Tumblr salad dressing. When I think about the places where Tumblr needs to expand and change, I really, I do think about food first. They need to get in the hot pocket business because I just feel like the current hot pocket business is not being well-served by only having one brand in it.

I do not see enough social media representation at the grocery store. What is that about? That's so true. Wow, true. That's so true. Wow, true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true.

That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. That's so true. Twitter TV dinners. That's what I want. They're just, it's just, they're all 140 calories each.

Oh, oh, I love it. I love it. I mean, one of the things I really like about having you as my brother Hank is that even when I have kind of very mediocre ideas, you're wonderfully excited about them and I really appreciate that. Oh, well, I got really excited. I think Twitter's missing out on a huge opportunity. Yeah, I agree. The biggest problem that Twitter has

is not being in the TV dinners business. Hank, would you like a short poem for today? Before we do that, John, I have to say that you got your stickers from Tumblr, but I, from, so now, from two different sets of fans of the pod, I've gotten candy, and one was the Orion's, the weird Irish potatoes that have no potato in them, and now I have received just because you are always getting the good stuff and people feel bad for me, I assume. I just got 378 peanut butter cups.

What? Not from Reese's, just from people who want me to feel better about my lack of good can. Man, that's not fair. I love Reese's cups. I know, they're good, but do you know what John? Do you know what? I have put them out for all of the staff

at Complexly, Mizzoula to enjoy. Unlike your policy with your poor people in Indianapolis, who just got to look at and not touch the Snickers. Ah, okay, I don't, I'm, ah. You know, you, ha ha ha ha. Don't, don't try to paint me as a bad guy, just because I wanted to enjoy all 378 of the Snickers that the Snickers company sent to me personally. Ah, well, we're different people. That's all I can say.

Do you have a short poem for us today? Oh, that's not at all fair. I am a fantastic person who just happens to love Snickers. And also, I would not ask for someone else to Snickers. You know, I believe that in this world, human being has to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and without any help, find their own Snickers in this world. You know, we've all got an equal shot at Snickers hang.

There's also the fact that I'm getting... Yeah, I know. Well, there's also the fact that if I had 378, we just beat a better butter cups in my home, that next week I would have about 50, and but I would have a serious digestive issues. So, yeah, I do need help with this problem. It is a bit of a problem

to have that many resist peanut butter cups. I would say that, you know, some people would construct it as a problem, other people would construct it as an opportunity. Here's a short poem. It's by Bill Nott, a poet I've gotten really into since he died. I feel bad because it's so cliche to get into poets right after they die, but I didn't know about him until he died. Anyway, this poem is called Alternative Fates, and I really love it. What if right in the middle of a battle, across the battlefield, the wind blew thousands of

lottery tickets? What then? What then, Hank? Like scratch off tickets. Are they winning lottery tickets? Or that have been like or they just like okay Everybody has to get their coins out to see if you got my definition they can't all be winning lottery tickets It's not a lottery. It's just a strict cash giveaway That would be more expensive than the actual one probably not wars are astonishingly expensive It's a good point, John. Alright, what have we gotten in the way of questions from our listeners this fine day on Dear Hank and John? Well, this first question comes from Danny who writes, Dear Green Brothers, anytime I cook something in the oven that requires a covering of aluminum foil,

I notice that even after 40 plus minutes of exposure to extreme heat, the foil is barely even warm when I remove it. This is weird. Isn't metal supposed to be a good conductor? Should not the foil be just as hot as the metal dish in which my delicious lasagna is being cooked? Is everything I learned in my chemistry courses about conductors and insulators a lie? Any dubious explanation is appreciated. Victory for the forces of democracy, Danny. I feel like I just was asked to participate in propaganda by reading the sign-off. I've been tricked, Hank. You guys, you guys, you're not getting a hundred percent, like, read of sign-offs. We will

skip them sometimes if we find them controversial enough, but not that one. Victory for the versus of democracy, John. Might democracy have been overrated. Do you not like the frame that the for like victory for the forces of anything really? Like maybe we shouldn't be framing things that way? Or is it the, it was, I wouldn't mind like victory in the war. I don't, let's move on. So, Danny, to your question, if you were listening extra hard in your chemistry slash physics classes,

you would know one extra thing about heat, which is that it's there, but it is only there in the amount that it can be there. So if I have a piece of lead that's like 30 pounds and it is uniformly heated to 450 degrees or whatever your oven was at, then that object has a ton of heat inside of it.

It isn't just a temperature, it also contains a lot of heat. And then if I have like a feather that I have, well, that's a bad example because it's going to catch fire at 450 degrees probably. But if I have something that is very light, that I heat up at the same temperature, then that will be the same temperature, but it will contain less heat. So when you're talking about this tin foil, tin foil is very light, it's very thin. So when you touch it, you are actually touching something that's 450 degrees, but all of that heat, immediately, like, it just isn't enough to heat your finger up very much. What?

So it's going into your finger. There's just not enough heat to change the temperature of your finger dramatically. No, there is no, I thought it was because aluminum is something special and different from other metals. There is no way that is the answer. That is the answer. Shut the front door. So yeah, I even looked it up because I wanted to make sure.

I mean, you know what, Hank, I support you, and as you know, I'm a huge fan of science, victory for the forces of science, however. There's no way that's true. Danny, it's because aluminum foil is different from other metals. That's why. And nobody knows how it's different or why it's different, but it is. Okay, well, you know, just because you just because you don't agree doesn't mean it's not true, but we'll move on. Hank, if I've learned anything from recent American history,

it's that if you believe something, that is legitimate, no matter what, even if it's wrong, it is as legitimate as a right opinion because opinions are just opinions and everyone has them and facts are just facts and there might be alternative facts that contradict your facts. And there's a lot of data out there.

And the data isn't clear. And aluminum foil is special and different. And you just don't understand it. Or maybe science doesn't understand it yet because it's so complicated and interesting that science hasn't been able to grasp it. So let's move on. This question's from John.

Who asks, Steerhank in John? I'm a delivery man, and I started giving people reminders of their mortality along with my pizza. Am I good? It could happen at any time, John. No, you're not good. You're not good, man.

Nope. Nope. You're on the wrong side of history, friend. Here's my issue with this, Hank. I mean, do you just have one the wrong side of history, friend. Here's my issue with this Hank. I mean, do you just have one? I have one issue. Okay.

All right, I want you to imagine a pizza delivery situation in which you open the door. You hand the money for the pizza, the pizza is handed back to you. And then somebody says you could die at any moment. What I'm going to take from that is not like a helpful reminder of my mortality, I'm going to assume that I am about to be murdered. Yep, I also, I wanna know how this message is being delivered. It's very vague.

Like are you? Are you being super subtle? Because even if you're saying if you look at me at the end of a pizza exchange and you just even if you say it could happen at any time, I'm gonna spend the next like six years freaked out over like what is it? I like to imagine that there's just like before he puts the pizza in the box, John just writes a little message, just it could happen at any time, like very small under the, and so

you're like 99% of people aren't noticing it, but like somebody takes that last pizza pizza and then they're like, what is that? What is that? What is it? What does it mean? What? The pizza... What is the pizza box trying to tell me? John, you have to stop doing this.

This is... I mean, it is a big, big concern for me. Yeah, no. I definitely will not order a pizza again from a restaurant that delivers with a pizza delivery man who is also delivering a message of my own mortality. Like, is to be a, I mean, have you not noticed

like a dramatic decrease in repeat customers? Reminders of their mortality along with pizza. I mean, if there's any time, like I understand that we should be aware of the finite nature of our existence. But also- Yeah, that's why we have sundials. I'm about to have a pizza.

I don't need this right now. Like, I'm- Yeah. I've already made a mistake today. I'm already indulging myself. I don't- Hey, hey, stop right there. Stop right there. All right, we've, hey, stop right there. Stop right there.

All right, we've, Hank, you and I have both now said stupid things in this podcast that we just need to stop and apologize for. First off, I expressed an opposition to democracy. I would like to take that back. Okay. I am hard in favor of democracy. I don't know where that came from.

And then now having having said that Hank, I wanna give you an opportunity to take back the horrible, disgusting, reprehensible thing you just said about pizza. I take you back. I do not wanna shame myself or anyone else for the enjoyment of the perfect thing that is pizza. Thank you, thank you.

Okay, all right, we are, I feel like we're back to even now. And I've heard a lot of that. But it's. I'm hearing that whole thing about aluminum foil and science being wrong, but whatever will just ignore that. Oh, I'm not, I'm not walking away from that one.

It seems like you must be wrong. I believe that you're right, but it also seems like you must be wrong, which, let's move on to another question, Hank. All right, actually, you know what? I'd like to formally apologize for saying that science is wrong. Okay. I don't know if people can read tone anymore in these dark and strange times. So I just want to be absolutely clear that I'm, I'm pro science. This question comes from Emma who writes, dear John and Hank, I have a distinct problem. For the first 16 years of my life,

I thought my name was Emma, that spelled E-M-M-A. However, upon my attempt to acquire a learner's permit, I found out that there was a clerical error on my birth certificate making my legal name Emma, that is Emma spelled with three-M-E-M-M-M-A. To be clear, this spelling was not intended by my parents. However, they seem to find my mutant beast of a name absolutely hilarious.

And take every opportunity to remind me of it. Obviously, I am distraught. The problem with my name is causing an inordinate amount of anxiety for me. I mean, is it better now that we're laughing at UMMA? And perhaps it's something philosophical about the teenage struggle for identity. No, I don't think it's that.

I think it's maybe that your name is spelled EMMA. Oh, how is it pronounced though, John? How is ML3M's pronounced? It's like, is it just make it worse? Or is it like, don't make it worse? Don't make it worse. I'm having a hard time figuring out if my fears are legitimate,

thus I've turned to the pod. Oh, great idea. So, am I being too uptight? Should I pretend this clerical error never happened or should I own the new spelling? Well, I'm worried that it's gonna end up on your driver's license too. Like, no, you should not own the new spelling.

Jesus Christ. Well, I don't know. It's just like, hey, why is your name ammo with 3M's? Oh, it's not own the new spelling, Jesus Christ. Well, I don't know, it's just like, hey, why's your name Emma with three M's? Oh, it's like 16 years ago, somebody misread a form. Okay, but John, I just wanna point out that Emma signs off the quality of mercy is not strained, Emma, or possibly Emma, but Rosiana has put the person's name

the top of the question as she does, and it's filled it with three ends. I mean, I believe it's pronounced Emma. Emma, right? Emma? Emma. I think it's, no, I think it's just Emma. Oh, that's what it is.

You're absolutely right. You just have to, you have to settle more into the mus. So it's like, Emma. Yeah, that's what it is. You're absolutely right. You just have to settle more into the mus. So it's like, mm, yeah, that's not bad. By the way, that quote is from Shakespeare and it's a very good sign off. M, it's really lovely. And so if nothing else, you've got a great sign off going for you, which is a wonderful start.

And then I think that probably the next step is, yeah, you should go ahead and legally change your name to the name that is your name because the government should not get to decide how many M's are in your name. I don't want to sound like too much of a libertarian Emma, but I do think that there are some places that the government should stay out of,

including the number of M's in Emma. Do, I mean, do just stick with it. Stick with the three M's because who else has that? Who else has that story? Everybody from now on is gonna look at your driver's license and think it'd be like, I didn't know your name had three M's in it and you're gonna be like, funny story.

And also, I was on this podcast and they told me to keep it. So I did. Though one of the brothers was wrong and he told me to change it and I disobeyed him directly and then I wrote a letter to Hank about how right he was and how great he is. Not since I said that aluminum foil can't be judged by science have I heard such dubiosity. That's ludicrous, that's terrible advice. Emma, I mean, look, the thing is Hank, she will have the story for the rest of her life. All she needs to do is like,

photocopy the birth certificate and keep it in her pocket. And like, for the rest of her life, she's gonna have a hilarious story. I mean, Hank is right, Emma, that this is a very funny story. Like, I understand that current you is really unhappy about this situation

and I don't blame you because it is an unpleasant situation to be in at the age of 16 when you're trying to get your driver's license. Future you is going to find this as funny as your parents do and like so there is you need to hold on to some memories of Emma but I don't think you need to hold on to the name as your name if you don't want to. All right, I feel as if we have both made our cases. This next question comes from Cassandra with three S's. Dear Hank and John, recently me and my boyfriend broke up to irreconcilable differences a couple of days ago. His name was Ryan and I'm not even joking. I'm generally doing okay post break up. However, the situation has left me with a serious quandary who gets custody over the teddy bear we made together at build a bear,

cinnamon sticks and hockey pucks, Cassandra. Does he want it? I mean, does anyone want it? Does anyone want it? In a long, long, long run, Is this not a bear that would be best suited with an entirely new family? I mean, have you seen the ending of Toy Story 3? That's where we're at here. Yeah, I think we're in a Toy Story 3 kind of moment,

no spoilers. And I think that maybe, even in the medium run, it might not be that helpful for you to have the bear. And I don't think it would be that helpful for him to have the bear, but I do think it would be helpful for somebody to have the bear who could really love that bear and care for it.

In fact, if you, is the, like the problem is, you don't wanna throw the bear away. Like you don't wanna say, no. You, you bear, I'll take the bear. Do you wanna send me the bear?. You don't want to say, No! You bear, I'll take the bear. Do you want to send me the bear? I'll pay for it. No, Hank, that's,

no, Hank, you are not a good home for the bear. I guess you could give it to Orin. On the other hand, I would submit that Orin, among the world's children, is perhaps, you know, yeah, beared up. Yeah, I mean,

he's probably reasonably beared up. Yeah, I mean, he's probably reasonably bared up. So maybe donate the bear somewhere. I feel like I can't do it. Well, the thing is, it's like a custom bear. It's got memories of this particular situation inside of it. You know, there's probably a surplus of build a bear's that have memories attached to them that people feel a little bit weirded out by. But anybody who's listening to this podcast, I feel like they'll be aware enough of the story that they'll want to give the bear a good home and avoid any nasty custody battles.

Okay, so if you, listener, are in a situation where you need a bear, a build a bear bear, high quality build a bear bear, available now, by the way, this person has not agreed to make her bear bearable, but Hank and I think it's the right thing to do. Let us know on the Patreon at patreon.com slash dear Hank and John, you can access it even if you don't donate. If you need a bear, and what you would need a bear for, and we Cassandra, if you are ready to say goodbye to that bear,

if this relationship is really over, and it sounds like it is, I think maybe if you're willing to give it up, and no pressure if you're not, we can find a good home for it. The bear's name is Crawford, by the way, Crawford, the bear, made at Navy Pier in Chicago. It sounds like a lovely and sad story but i i think that the i think that there's a there are happy resolutions that can occur

i agree i i'm inclined to agree it's still it's a sad situation uh... i had a similar issue with an actual cat uh... not a not a stuffed cat but a live cat named Pants, when my college girlfriend and I broke up and the Pant situation still bugs me. Let's move on to another question from Rachel, who writes, dear John and Hank, I recently went out with some friends

and the phrase came up, beer before liquor never been sicker, liquor before beer and you're in the clear. I feel like this is not actually a thing since it's just all ethanol, right? It simply depends on how much you drink. Have you experienced this phenomenon and do you think the saying is true?

Still alive, Rachel. Well, I'm glad you didn't die of alcohol poisoning. Good Lord. Maybe that's just generally her sign off, not to do with the specifics of this question. I feel like as a sign off, here's my issue with it, as a sign off, it is a little bit redundant. Right, yes.

Well, you are typing at the moment, so there is that. That's my concern. You Hank, you and I are gonna answer this question differently because you presumably have done some like scientific research on it, whereas I have something more powerful than science called anecdote. Hit me with that anacdote, buddy boy. So, I've gone both ways.

And my experience has been that if you drink a lot, you will feel sick and you will feel sick the next day. And once you hit about the age of 37, you will also feel sick the day after the next day. So don't just don't drink to excess. And if you find yourself like regularly drinking to excess and not able to not drink to excess, you have to pursue not hangover remedies, but instead treatment options. Well, I will... So there definitely isn't a lot of hard science here. There may be something to the fact that you might get a little more water with your drink if you are... if you're drinking beer. Second, because maybe you drink longer, because here's the thing.

It's definitely a psychological thing more than it's a hard science thing. I think that when you are drunk, you drink more. So when you're not drunk, that is definitely true. So if you start with liquor, and then you're like, I'm a little bit drunk, and then you move over to beer, it's harder to get really, really drunk

on at least your average American beer. I mean, it's harder to get really, really drunk on at least your average American beer. I mean, it's super possible. Super possible. Oh, it's not that hard. But it's easier to know what you're drinking when you're drinking beer, whereas when you're drinking liquor shots, like a shot glass of slightly different size

can have way more alcohol in it. A mix to drink can have way more alcohol in it. A mixed drink can have way more alcohol in it. You don't really know how much alcohol's in a mixed drink. So I think it's easier to drink more when you're drinking liquor. I don't think it's impossible to drink a lot when you drink a beer, but I think that that is where this saying came from

is that once you are drunk, if you switch to beer, you're getting a little bit more water with your drinking and also you may not be, you may not end up drinking as much as if you get a little bit drunk on beer and then you switch to liquor and start going way, way, overboard and not knowing how overboard you're going because you're already drunk.

So that's, I think that's where it comes from, but like absolutely, you can get super sick both ways and so drink, do not drink to excess because it's not fun. It, in my experience. It's not fun. It's not. No, a few years ago, my best friend, Chris,

gave me a piece of advice that, to quote, Gatsby, I forget the quote. I've been turning over in my mind ever since, I think. Anyway, the piece of advice was this. I forget the quote. I've been turning over in my mind ever since, I think. Anyway, the piece of advice was this. We were at a party and I had a beer in my hand and Chris looked at me and he said, you know what, nobody ever regretted the next morning

and I said what? And he said, not having the last beer. It's a great, great point. I want to thank Chris for that. But then if you follow that line of reasoning all the way down, you never have any beers. Well, yeah, there's certainly in terms of regret, but it's good advice, especially when it comes to the last beer.

I also want to thank John for really just cruising past the part where I called him Buddy Boy and not making a big deal out of my weird decision there. I literally didn't hear that, but it's just one more example of how extremely dubious this entire episode of The Pot has been. This question comes from Emily. Oh wait, did I read the last one? You did.

This question comes from Ben, who has to do heck a John. Poor Emily. I will get there. I was considering a YouTube red subscription, however, I don't know if it's worth the money I recently saw Hank go on a lengthy Twitter spree about YouTube red. I'm nervous about the side effects How much to creators make off a YouTube red without ads? Ben. well Let me summarize quickly. We get a percentage of the revenue that you give to YouTube and

a YouTube red viewer is definitely always worth more to a creator than an advertising supported user. Like at least two or three times more, although in the current environment with ad rates, I would say in the toilet is perhaps an understatement, like whatever is below the toilet, is the YouTube ad situation at the moment? Yeah, somewhere downstream from the toilet, is the YouTube ad situation? I think at this point, it's kind of at the sewage treatment plant and they're trying to figure it out,

trying to make it a little bit less gross before they start to react. That's exactly correct. So I would say at this point, YouTube Red viewer might be worth five to some creators, even 10 times as much as an ad supported user. So certainly, YouTube Red is good for creators. Yeah, but also, if you don't know if it's worth the money for you, I think it should be worth the money for you. Oh, absolutely.

And if you want to help creators, support them on Patreon goes way farther than even a YouTube red subscription, well. Like a hundred times further. I have YouTube red because I like it and because an ad for YouTube is worth it to me. And also because it comes free with a Google Play music subscription,

so I was able to get rid of my Spotify subscription, which I will never say again, if Spotify just agrees to sponsor this podcast. However, until they do, I'm going to tell you the truth, which is that I got rid of Spotify for Google Play music and then it basically got YouTube read for free. And I'm kind of confused why everyone doesn't do that,

but maybe, maybe lots of people don't have paid subscriptions to Spotify. I'm kind of confused why everyone doesn't do that, but maybe lots of people don't have paid subscriptions to Spotify, I'm not sure. Which brings me to the fact that this podcast is brought to you, of course, by YouTube Red. YouTube Red. YouTube Red. Sure, why not? Yeah, no, it's like it's like Spotify plus ad for YouTube.

That actually sounded like a proper sponsorship, Hank. That was as close as we'll ever get. We didn't get paid for that. We do kind of get paid. Yeah, but more to the case, this podcast brought to you by Patreon, a place where you can support really great independent creators directly,

and a very, very small percentage goes to the upkeep and maintenance of Patreon's actual business because they are really creative focused and they are great. Patreon.com slash deerhank and John, we've gotta get rid of the actual sponsorships though, Hank. Today's podcast is brought to you by Build a Bear Custody Battles.

Build a Bear Custody Battles coming soon to a theater near you. Ha ha ha. Done by Gus, this is also brought to you by Messages of Mortality, which were brought to you by your pizza delivery man. Messages of mortality, available now, inside of your pizza, apparently. And most importantly, today's podcast is brought to you

by the forces of democracy. The forces of democracy, just to be absolutely clear, I'm in favor of them. Good, okay. Woof, that was close. the forces of democracy just to be absolutely clear I'm in favor of them. Okay, whew. That was close. Alright, this question comes from Emily, who writes, Dear John and Hank, hey guys, okay, so I have this problem. My problem is that for as long as I can remember,

my uncle has always greeted me by asking, Emily, may, what the hey, every time he sees me, the rhyme itself is not a problem. In fact, I find it cute. My issue is that what the hey is just not a problem. In fact, I find it to be cute. My issue is that what the hay is just not a thing that people ask each other. What does it even mean? I'm not sure if it's even hay like, you know, like hay or hay as in hello. How am I supposed to answer this nonsensical question? What the hay, Emily? John, do you know that here in Montana? We have a thing

called what the hay, which is where I don't know if this is everywhere, where they dress up hay bales as minions or snowman or whatever. No, I'm not familiar with this. They call it What the Hae, and everybody makes. Oh man, and it's, like, minions have totally taken over what the Hae, and it's so, like, it's like minions have totally taken over what the hay. And it's so like it's like, it is a bit disappointing. But there are some really great what the hay stuff.

If you Google what the hay, H-A-Y, you can see some good Montana hay creations. But I don't think that's what Emily's uncle is referencing. I think what Emily's uncle was doing in all likelihood is saying something that he has been saying to Emily May since she was like zero years old. Like Chris always sings this song whenever he sees Henry, he sings Henry Atticus, MNF in green. And until Henry was like two, he sang the actual song, if you catch my gift. And then he has since then censored it.

But it is so far, it's just a result of having spent a lot of time with someone as a baby, and singing nonsense songs to them, and saying nonsense things to them to get them to sort of babble back at you. And so Emily May, what the hey is your uncle's way of trying to say, I love you in a way you can only imagine that you cannot even fully glimpse because for much of the period that I have been loving you, you were like, you know, semi-conscious. So I think you have to respond to it just by saying, like, I love you Uncle Joe, or maybe just be like, you know, Uncle Joe, what do you know?

Like maybe think of a rhyme that involves his name. Good advice, John. I appreciate that. And I've now I feel bad that I don't have like fun names for name rhymes for Henry and Alice. I'll work on it. This question is from Ananama Steer, Hank and John. I'm a high school senior and Alice. I'll work on it. This question is from Ananama, Stere Henkenjohn. I'm a high school senior and this week

I was rejected from four colleges. I got accepted to a couple, but all the ones near the top of the list did not accept me. I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that I have a wonderful opportunity to choose between schools that did accept me, but it's hard because all these rejections

make me feel a lot of self doubt. Any advice through this process would be really helpful. You both mean a lot to me. Crumbling under the weight of my own existence, anonymous. Hank, did you get into all the colleges where you applied? Well, John, I only applied to two, but yes. Yeah, I mean, so I applied to like a bunch of colleges. Well, here's the secret of getting into only two colleges, John.

I did not apply to any good schools. Well, I mean, you, the school you went to is a good school, but you didn't apply to any like Ivy League schools or anything. Yeah, I wasn't trying to get in any place like super special. Yeah. I think that where you go to college is important, but maybe not for the reasons that you think it will be important when you are a high school junior or senior. A lot of times like where I went to college was very important, but I also didn't get into probably the five best schools I applied to. And I'm very grateful for that because if I hadn't gone to the college where I ended up going, I would not have moved to Chicago after graduating from college, and I would therefore not have met Sarah, and I would therefore have a vastly different life.

So, like, when I think about what was really important about college, like, the classes were really important. I learned a lot of things that I've been able to apply to my professional and personal life, but the single most important thing was geography that allowed me to meet my wife. Yeah, I mean, like, I also think that there are a huge number of great schools. There are, and there are very small number of schools that will help you just through virtue of their reputation. Right. And I almost think like in terms of like, that's kind of weird anyway. Like if you're being helped just by the fact that you went

to a school that people like recognize the name, that doesn't necessarily say anything about what you learned. But they're like, overall, there are a lot of great schools in America that no one's ever heard of. And you will have no idea whether or not a school is good for you until basically you're done. But I think as long as you come into it with the right mindset and the right goals

and wanna take on college with sort of an open mind and a spirit of like, I, like, this is exciting and I'm going to, I'm going to make myself a better person for these next four years. Like, I think you're going to get a lot out of school wherever you go. Yeah, I mean, there are definitely some colleges where it's easier to get a good education than others because they're, you know, student centered or learning centered or whatever, easier to get a good education in different subjects. But I would argue that the vast majority of American universities are places where you

can get a good education. So it's going to be okay. I remember being very disappointed about the places I didn't get into, although I got into the college I most wanted to attend, even if it wasn't though, like technically the best according to the rankings. But also, I wouldn't put a ton of stock in those rankings. I think, you know, it's measuring the quality of an education is not something that numbers are particularly good at doing. I agree, John. Do you have another question for us? I don't, but I have a number of responses to things, Hank.

Oh! Okay. First, you might remember, Sara of the Girl Scout cookies, she wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, it's Sara the Girl Scout. And I wanted to let you know, you guys know that with your help, we managed to donate 78 boxes of cookies for the food pantry, which is really great. It's not 378, but it's still a lot.

So thank you to everybody who donated and bought Sarah's Girl Scout cookies through the link that we read out loud, that has really made me very happy. Then a number of people wrote in on the topic of snakes, because we suggested, I guess, to a kid named Devon, that Devon sneaked a snake onto the campus of Devon's new college. That turns out to have been bad advice, at least according to a number of college administrators who wrote in, to let us know that in general, snakes are not welcome in dormitories.

I really, I feel like there's got to be like some dorms that allow snakes. And I feel like aluminum foil must be chemically special, but apparently I'm also wrong. Susan wrote in as well to say, dear John and Hank, I don't have a question, I just wanted to thank you. It's one of the best emails we've ever received, Hank. I met a guy with a tattoo that says, moratory, Tay, Saluteont, because I had just listened to the podcast where you explained what that means.

I was able to show off my knowledge and this Friday we are going on our second date, arrows and otters, Susan. I mean, it remains to be seen, Susan, whether it is proofs to be good news or bad news that you are going on a second date with someone who has a tattoo that says those who are about to die salute you. But I hope that it works out. I think it's a pretty cool Latin phrase.

And I think, I mean, just don't feel pressure from us to get married. Yeah, no, that's definitely not, we're okay. We're okay. Yeah, just the date is good enough for us. Yeah, we're delighted about the situation. Can I read to you a quote from 800 different emails

that we got. Yes. It's just a direct quote. It was in all 800 of them. Uh huh. John, OMG, it's Bath Bomb, not Bath Ball. Yeah, come on. I know. I would like to apologize to my friends at Lush Cosmetics

for calling their bath bombs, bath balls. However, I would also to apologize to my friends at Lush Cosmetics for calling their bath bombs, bath balls. However, I would also like them to apologize to me, Hank, and I waited until the end of the pod to tell this story because I don't want to, in any way, damage the amazing reputation of my personal sponsor Lush Cosmetics. However, one of the bath bombs, so I've been using these bath bombs pretty regularly and they're fantastic.

You can find a picture in fact of me using one of them on the Patreon at patreon.com slash dear hankajon. However, one of the bath bombs, it was shaped kind of like a yellow and white pill and I put it in my bath and I was like, oh, this is so lovely. I am just having the most relaxing experience. And then at the very center of the bath bomb, there was this sort of silvery stuff. And I was like, oh, that's weird. God, what a great bath I'm having. And I had like a nice 30 minute bath.

And then I got out of the bath. And I love this story already. My beautiful lovely wife, who is not totally sold on this whole me using bath bombs in every bath thing looked at me and said John you are literally covered in glitter I mean not only was I covered in glitter but I I would say that I, like, five days later, there is still a fair amount of glitter on my body. That stuff is sticky.

Oh, that's awesome. I love that. I love that. I love that. There's like a glitter pocket inside of it. Yeah. Oh, there should be a special warning. The other day, John, this is started to happen to me.

This is very unrelated, but I was drinking what appeared to be seltzer water. And then I started to feel like I had had some caffeine and I looked and there was caffeine in it. It wasn't branded as an energy drink. It was like branded as like a low calorie soda thing and I was enjoying it. And like, you can't just throw caffeine in stuff and not put it on like the front label and say caffeine in this. And I also had a cliff bar that had caffeine in it. And

I know you can't do that to a guy. I freak out. Okay? That's just like having your entire body covered in glitter. Except it's just my soul. That's what happens to me. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. I'm gonna get in here at some point. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dimester. Former Dim wrote in to say dear friends a couple episodes ago you answered a question regarding signatures in which John's old signature was brought up and then Tom has a copy of looking for Alaska from March 12th 2005, which is like less than a week or I think nine days maybe after the book first came out and that has my old signature on it and we're gonna post that on the Patreon so that you can see what my old signature looked like.

Second to last, we received several emails from friends or acquaintances of the 14th most powerful Canadian Gerald Butz, an astonishing number of dear Hank and John listeners. No, either Gerald Butts himself or our friends with Gerald Butts or slow danced with Gerald Butts' friend Justin Trudeau when they were in high school. It's absolutely overwhelming the number of people who know Gerald Butts. It makes me think that Canada is indeed one of those countries where literally everyone

knows, literally everyone else. everyone else and lastly lastly and Wait, you gotta give that you gotta give the best that best little note at the end of that one John What is it? The Gerald butts Look if you're wondering really loves brisketta or however that's pronounced I think it's pronounced I think it's pronounced presheta, but I'm not totally Positive however that is a little bit of Gerald Butts trivia for you Gerald Butts fans out there.

And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, we received the following email from Sarah, dear John and Hank, Jeffrey Patatorson has become self-aware. Ha ha ha ha! Jeffrey Patatorson, who if you're a long time hardcore listener to dear Hank and John, you will remember from a previous episode. After months of not accepting friend requests from literally hundreds of listeners, Jeffrey Patatorson has accepted all of our friend requests and has become like pretty excited about

his newfound platform. Yeah, he posted, he posted, Jeffrey Patatorson is feeling excited, haven't been on it a long time, didn't think I'd become so popular. It's good, yeah, I noticed when he added me as a friend, and then immediately I started getting messages from people on Twitter being like,

Friends, let's just your Patatorson Hank, it happened. And he's posting again and uh... just so happy for just so happy for Jeffrey Petaterson Hank what's the news from Mars? oh right i know the news from Mars this week do you know which news from Mars i'm going to give you? i hope it's the news where uh... while talking to an astronaut president

Donald Trump promised to get a human being on the surface of Mars by the end of his administration. You know, that wasn't going to be my news because I feel like that more would he say than like, I'm going to get you to Mars in the next four years is I plan on being President for the next 75 years. No, he said he'd like it to be done in his first term, but it will definitely be done in his second term, which means it would happen by 2024, which also means that I'm gonna throw this out there

and I don't, we don't like to get political on the pod, but I don't know that President Donald Trump has a great sense of what it would take to get a human being to Mars. Of like what exactly Mars is? No, I think he knows what Mars is. I don't think he is a person who likes to make bold promises. Yes, he does, yes. It, oh.

Yeah. What's the news? Is that the news from ours? It's great news. That doesn't seem doable to me. I'll be honest with you. I'm pretty, I'm not very optimistic about hitting my own date.

But it's interesting that he would, yeah, he'd just say that without like talking to anybody at NASA at all about where we're at with the Space Launch System, which is not ready to go to Mars anytime. But anyway, I guess I wish him luck. I was going to talk about, so building things on Mars is important because you have to have places for people to live. And taking things to Mars is very hard. And so we would like to take as little as possible with us when we go to Mars. So we have now been able to, in the lab, create a fairly good substitute for what Mars soil is like or dirt on Mars or regolith or whatever.

And they have been thinking, you know, it'd be great if we could build structures out of the stuff that's already on Mars. That way, not only, you know, they have the place to live, but also we could protect astronauts from cosmic rays. And so, like, maybe we can make bricks from the regolith on Mars. The thought was we'd have to bring some kind of binder with us or we would have a microbe that would turn, because on Earth you can't do this. You need a binder to make clay into a brick, or a bunch of heat, etc. We bring a microbe that would turn like human waste into this byproduct that we could mix with the soil and then

and bake it and turn it into a brick. But they found that actually because of the iron oxide in Martian soil, if you just press it, if you just take a bunch of marty soil, at least the simulations for it that we have right now, if you just compress it really hard, the iron oxide will sort of break down into like flat little sheets and then stick to itself

because it likes to be with itself. And so it breaks down into like a flat thing and like tiny microscopic structures that will create a like a brick like structure and it requires as far as we can tell, no extra ingredients. And so you just have automatic Martian bricks and all you need is to apply a fair amount of pressure

but the kind of pressure that could easily be applied by an electrical press of some kind. And boom, Martian bricks to build houses out of, which is exciting. That is very exciting. You know what is not exciting? Uh-oh. The month of April.

Hank, every month, every football team has this thing where they, every football team in the whole world is like every month, like let's vote on our goal of the month. Like here are the top three nominees for goal of the month. Which of these amazing goals will be, you know, our team's goal of the month. AFC Wimbledon has not scored a goal in the month, which of these amazing goals will be, you know, our team's goal of the month. AFC Wimbledon has not scored a goal in the month of April. Still got that drought going.

It's like they're like, well, we're safe, so let's just, yeah, it's fine. They're enjoying being safe so much that they have now gone five games without scoring a goal. During those five games, they've picked up two points, both nil nil draws against one against Swindon Town, one against Peterborough. They lost three nil to Bradford City, a score that from the accounts I could find on Twitter seemed to rather flatter AFC Wimbledon. And yeah, and now they're about to play their sixth game of April. And hopefully, maybe on April 30th, they will score.

And then there will be a goal of the month. And there will not need to be a vote because it will just be the one goal. It'll definitely be that one. There will be two goals and you can pick one. They could fight it out between the two goals of the month. Yeah, so I mean, look, the great news, and it is really great news. I don't wanna minimize it,

is that AFC Wimbledon are safe. They are going to have another season in League One. The bad news is that if you could be judged on how you finish, well, let's just say you shouldn't be judged on how you finish. One game left in the season for AFC Wimbledon, and it is against Oldham, another team that is completely safe and also is playing for nothing.

So maybe we'll find a way to win it or not lose it or even lose to one. The quack, so John, are, are you gonna be below the, the, the, the, the Mk, whatever? Very likely going to finish below the franchise currently applying its trade in Milton Keynes. Yes, it's not, it's not inevitable. Uh, Milton Keynes sitting on 58 points, AFC Wimbledon sitting on 56.

So if Wimbledon win and Milton Keynes lose, then it would happen. Otherwise, probably not. We'll see. We'll see. There is still something to play for, because I think that would not be an insignificant accomplishment.

All right, John. What did we learn today? Well, we learned that there's nothing special about aluminum foil. It's heat itself that's so weird. We learned that if the people at the hospital put a name on your birth certificate, that's your name, and that's great. And you can be M-I-If you want to be. But also according to Hank, you have to be M-I- Regardless of whether you want to be. But also according to Hank, you have to be and regardless of whether you want to be.

I didn't say half, do I? That's a good story. It's a great story. We learned that you should never, ever, ever tell people that they are going to die while delivering them a pizza. And we learned that drinking to excess is bad, no matter what you use to do it with, John, thanks for potting with me today. Well, we're not done potting just yet, Hank, because we have to go record this week in

Ryan's, our hit comedy podcast that's available only via our Patreon at patreon.com slash dear Hank and John. This week, you know who we're discussing this week, Hank? Oh no, no, I didn't realize you had one. Well, that's how it works. I pick the Ryan's, and then you quickly read their Wikipedia pages while recording the podcast. This week I've chosen to make it very hard for you by talking about Ryan Babel, the Dutch footballer.

Oh, God. If you want to ask us a question, you can do so at hankandjohnatgmail.com or you can use the hashtag, deerhankandohn on twitter where Hank is Hank green and I am occasionally John green but mostly Leon must for earth or sports with John. This podcast is produced by Rosy on a Halsey Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Victoria von Jonas our head of community and communications and our music is by the great Gunnarola. Hank thank you again for

potting with me and thanks to everybody for listening as we say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪