Dear Hank & John - 96: Next Level Laziness

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

If you put in work to be lazy, is it still laziness? Does Lin Manuel Miranda listen to Hamilton for funzies? At what point are you supposed to put water on a toothbrush? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Yours are for the thing that Dear John and Hank, it's a podcast where two brothers will answer your questions, give you a duly advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimmelton. How you doing, John? I'm alright, Hank. You know that line from Rushmore, I ain't even here, Sergeant, I'm in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Hank, you don't even have to have, I'm in Cheyenne, Wyoming. You don't even have to see the movie. I'm the one who can do to get the reference, because I previously referred to it on the podcast.

The point is, is this how we're going to, is this now a continuation of the intro, where I just say how you do in John, and then you quote Rushmore, like is that our new, is that a new band? The point is I've been in Cheyenne, Wyoming for far too long, and I've kind of lost my sense of self, but I can't leave Cheyenne Wyoming right now. And yeah, how are you? I'm good, I wanna tell you a little story about how I was eating a cliff bar one day, by which I mean yesterday,

and walking down the stairs into my backyard, so I could go out to my office. So walking down these stairs is like four or five stairs. I couldn't tell you how many stairs there are exactly, and I'm eating a cliff bar. And because I was preoccupied thinking about all of the interesting things in my life and also how great this cliff bar was,

I didn't know how many steps there were and I thought I was done with the steps, but I wasn't. Right. And so I, you know, about, let's say a second and a half later, was on my butt, having not entirely sure about the situations regarding my ankles and hands, but feeling okay, and then I look down in my hands,

and I'm like, where's my cliff bar? So I fell down these stairs, and like, I think I'm okay. I got a little bit of pain in my leg and wrist from catching myself, but my cliff bar. What, where did it go? Do you know where I went, John? I don't. And it better be good because the rest of the story

has not been great so far. It was in my mouth. Oh, the whole thing just shot right into the mouth. I just, I like, quick, put was in my mouth. Oh the whole thing just shot right into the mouth I just I like quick put it in my mouth while I was falling bit down on it Hulled it real hard and then I was like where did it go? I can't find my cliff bar And it happens to me with my glasses all the time. Oh God very similar problem with my glasses I'm sure at some point during this podcast. I'll be like where's my phone and it'll be like oh right I'm on I'm on the phone with my brother, John, podcasting.

Yeah, when I'm under a lot of stress, I do that more often. Like, weirdly, when I'm stressed out, I become more obsessive about checking things, but I also become far more likely to lose them. So I'll become very obsessive about checking that I have my wallet, for instance, but I become infinitely more likely

to lose my wallet. I find that there are very few upsides. You know how people often think that portray mental illness as having secret advantages? You know, you can, oh, you make you... Yeah, that's what we want. We want that to be a thing where it's like, ah, but we get something out of it at least. Right, like the genius is close to madness and whatever. That has just not been my experience. My experience has been that it's just an unfortunate thing. I don't, let's move on to questions for our listeners. This question comes from the latest.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you didn't bring us a poem? I didn't bring you, I don't have a poem for today, Hank. To be totally honest with you, I have been in Cheyenne, Wyoming for so long that I do not, I am not prepared for this podcast. I'm just gonna level with you, Hank, like I, this is not going, you're not about to experience my best work. And my best work at podcasting isn't even very good. I've got a short poem for you here. That's what work is podcasting isn't even very good. I've got a short poem for you here.

Opec, metallic, permanent ink, no shaking required to start, quick drying, fade and water resistant ink. Is that from the side of a Sharpie? It's from the back of a package of metallic sharpies, yes, John. I spend a lot of time thinking about sharpies these days. This question comes from Meredith who writes, Dear John and Hank, I've recently begun the process of digitizing my wardrobe, meaning that I've been taking pictures of every item of clothing I own,

editing it, then uploading it to a special digital closet app. The only reason I'm doing this is because it is my ultimate dream to not have to get out of bed in the morning in order to pick out an outfit. However, the whole process is proving to be incredibly time consuming. The irony of the situation has dawned on me, I'm putting in a bunch of work just so I can be lazy. My question is, is it really laziness if you have to put in work to be lazy? Laziness has always been a part of my identity, and I feel as though I'm starting to lose

my edge. Or maybe I'm moving a level up on the laziness matter? I can't decide. What are your thoughts? Yours in questionable ironic laziness, merideth. Yeah, I think you're becoming next level lazy, which is fantastic. I think, I think, you know, really good laziness.

If you're gonna be the good kind of lazy, you should invest in a future laziness. Knowing that you will want to stay in bed is a grit and investing in that, well, particularly that staying in bed thing, which is so lovely to be able to do that, and to shave a little bit of time off of this transition into being upright and cold, which is two unpleasant things, to give yourself those five extra minutes. And also, I think there's a little bit of, you like spending time with your closet and doing this

and being a little bit like you're in the movie Clueless and what a, yeah, you're spending time doing a thing that you enjoy doing, and also you're allowing yourself to relax a little bit more. That's great. Yeah, I have an analogous experience with cataloging my home library,

because you know I've been cataloging my home library since 2007, I've never finished. But every time I have a spare couple of hours, I get on my library app, and I catalog a few more books, and I'm ostensibly doing this so that I stop losing books. I find that I consistently lose the books

that I most need at any given moment. I can find every book except for the one I need. And so the idea is that I'm doing this so that like future me will never lose a book. But the reality is that I'm doing it because I like cataloging my home library. Mm-hmm. There's like working so that you can live your best life

rather than working so that you can work, so that you can work, so that you can work. And I understand, like, I definitely have a thing in me where I want to drive myself to work hard because I feel like I have an obligation to do the things that I have the ability to do, to employ people, and to create things that I have the ability to do, to employ people and to create things that people are gonna enjoy and project for awesome,

like make the world a better place. But there's also, I also have to counter that with some amount of, I am working so that I can do the things that I want to do in that do and that I like to do, like spending time with my family and traveling and eating delicious pizza and laying in bed for five minutes longer than I otherwise could. I don't know why I'm working.

That's it. I mean, you are about three years ahead of me and you're like midlife crisis and I am already pretty deep in it. So I can't imagine where you're at. I have no idea. Honestly, hey, like I have no idea why I work, especially why the last few months

I have been working so hard. Um, I'm sorry. Yeah. Is it, hey, I'm sorry. Yeah. Is it, I'm gonna level with you. I don't want to underscore the fact that I'm not really here. I definitely have those moments when Katherine will ask me a question and then it'll be like a solid 30 seconds before I'm able to answer.

Because I have, I'm like, yeah, I've been like that with my family for like two and a half months. Oh man. Pretty consecutively. I know it's been very bad. It's been very bad. But on the other hand, like this has been a very creatively productive time for me. And in a way, like that's the only way I can do it. It's not, I find that I can't really work part time on most things.

When I'm working on something, I tend to be pretty deeply involved in it, and it's really hard for me to be able to put stuff down. But then, hopefully, that also applies to when I'm not working. I'm present instead of being half there or whatever. I feel like we're in fertile ground, so I want that there's maybe pretty deeply unrelated to Meredith's question, but I do want to continue and say that I have bit like, there's this thing about writing a book in particular.

Who says that I'm writing a book? Well, this is what I'm saying about me. Not about you. That I have to have my head live in the world a lot, or else I don't get good stuff out of it. And I've just started, just in the last couple of weeks, started to really apply myself to the sequel to the book that I haven't finished, because the book itself is sort of in between space

where I shouldn't be working on it because people are looking at it who aren't me. And so I want to work a little bit on the sequel before I finish the book so that I can set up the sequel well. And I will just be sitting there at dinner and living in the world of the book and having no idea that my mind is in a space that, in inside of a physical reality.

And I don't feel like I can get good creativity from this other world without having my mind all the way inside of it. Right, I call that space shy and Wyoming. Yeah, I agree. I think it's really difficult to get yourself out of that when you're in it. And also, you kind of don't want to because it's productive. It's a productive space. And for me, it's a really exciting space in some ways, because it's a way out of one's self. It's a moment where you don't feel like you're kind of stuck

inside of this self-shaped prison. And that's very appealing. But on the other hand, it does after a while. I mean, this has been a while for me. You start to want to be able to engage with the world. And I guess for me, it's like, if I'm there, I'm never really all the way, like, in this world. And I know we all have that experience

if you're in a conversation. And one of the things you start to notice is it's totally possible to trick people. It's totally possible to make people believe that you're really there. And you're like, oh my God, 99% of my social interactions are so incredibly superficial that people don't know that I'm not here.

And I would have no way of knowing if they weren't here or if they're not here. But yeah, I think so for several of the last months or much of the last few months, that has been the case for me. And it's nice in some ways. And in other ways, I'm looking forward to it ending, which hopefully it will soon. I mean, the other thing is that

I never quite know when it's over, right? Whenever you're working on something, you never know when you're able to let it go. Like I'm always fascinated by people like visual artists who make lots of artwork. And of artwork and they make more than like one painting every three or four years, which is my rate of production. Like, how on earth do they know that they're finished? I mean, how on earth when you're making an abstract painting, do you look at it and you're like, done?

I just don't. I admire that ability to talk about the moment you're finished. Are we still talking about digitizing your wardrobe? I don't think so, but I think that we got to the root of Meredith's question. I want to ask a question that's going to bring you all the way into this world with something that you are very passionate about. You're going to be here for this one. It's from Sarah who asks, dear Hank and John, I live in Germany,

but I will be traveling to the US in a few weeks. Is there anything that I have to eat or drink while I am there? I've already put Diet Dr. Pepper on my list since that's something I have never seen in a German store, any other suggestions? Vivere disque said, Quadgeta Mory Sarah.

I looked at that one up, it says, remember to live or learn to live, but remember death. Mm. Thanks, Sarah. I needed that. First off, I've just found out Hank that I can't move to Germany.

I wanted to, because it seems like a great country. Hank and I are fascinated by the German way of doing business, what's it called, Hank? The middle shot. The middle shot. At all times, I want to do when we grow up, is run a middle shot. But I can't move there because there's no regular access

to Diet Dr. Pepper. It might as well be the frickin' moon. Yeah, what? I don't know. What do you eat in America that you can't eat elsewhere? I feel like we've done a really good job of exporting our terrible diets. Yeah, well, I mean, so first of all, America has like every flavor of chip.

We don't, there's definitely flavors of chip that you can, you can't get in America. There's not, doesn't tend to be ketchup chips here, which are on other places. Paprika Pringles are my very favorite kind of Pringle and you can't get them in America. But we have so many flavors of chips. We are really into chips guys.

We have the weird, like indie brands, like Tim's, with like the sweet Maui onion from the Hawaiian chip people, and you got the, got like weird, they also make like a spicy barbecue one, and you've got to eat barbecue chips. So basically you gotta go to a grocery store and just buy the chip flavors you don't recognize.

Also you're gonna wanna have a corn dog. Also you're gonna wanna have biscuits and gravy. Also you're gonna wanna have a corn dog. Also, you're gonna wanna have biscuits and gravy. Also, you're gonna wanna have corn fried steak. Corn fried steak, that's weird. Corn, chicken fried steak. Chicken fried steak with gravy. Just in general. Chicken fried steak is also a weird idea

if you're not American. Yeah, but I don't know. Do they have sausage gravy in other countries? Cause I don't think I've ever seen it. And I feel like you just. I know, the one thing that they definitely don't know. Do they have sausage gravy in other countries? Cause I don't think I've ever seen it. And I feel like you just. I know. The one thing that they definitely don't do as well

in other countries as they do in the United States is barbecue. You're gonna wanna have, if you eat meat, I think you're gonna wanna have some nice pulled pork barbecue. And then the other thing, so I actually have spent a fair amount of time in Berlin and I don't know if Sarah's from Berlin, but I thought they had all of the major foods except apparently died Dr. Pepper in barbecue. So that's also I wanted to say that when Hank says chips, he is referring to the item that in the rest of the world I believe is called crisps. Yes, that is correct. I'm talking about American chips, the way chips should have always been, because they're

shaped. But then it's not just, of course, if you're visiting the United States, you're not just there to eat and drink. You're also there to have experiences. And I guess the main experience that I would recommend, Sarah, is if you can get an injury or an illness, nothing serious, nothing life threatening because when you come to America, what you really want to experience is our healthcare system.

And I think it would be very interesting for you to just maybe like, sprained ankle, something like that, and just get a feel for it, get a feel for the expense, get a feel for the efficiency with which everything is done, and then go back to Germany, just crazy jealous of how well we do healthcare. Just be deeply amazed. Don't hurt yourself. I disagree with John.

I've just looked up the etymology of the word chip, John, because I feel very defensive of a... Actually, yeah, Sarah, do whatever you can not to have to go to the doctor. Do not go to the doctor. Just the act of going to the doctor is like 120 bucks. So chip comes, of course, from chipping something off of something else, like chipping stone off of a stone. A chip off the old block, is there a... I feel like if you're going to take a potato and you're going to chip something off of it, it's something? I feel like if you're gonna take a potato

and you're gonna chip something off of it, it's gonna be more like a potato chip in America than it's gonna be like a chip in the UK where it's this like, clearly a sliced, diced thing where it's the like the long square rectangle thing. I think... Yeah, I mean, I like... I'm not gonna want to fight and die on this particular hill.

Well, I will. So anybody just come and... I want to, yes, I want to, yes, and you, but I literally can't figure out how to. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We must have some, are there like special American vegetables? Do, are there mangoes in Germany?

It's been a while since I've been there. If you don't have fresh fruit in Germany, Sarah, and again, I'm not totally sure about this, but if you don't have fresh fruit, we do have fresh fruit in America. We have a bunch of different kinds. We have blueberries, raspberries, mangoes. Sometimes we get papayas, not that often in Indiana,

but sometimes, so try out some fresh fruit. Maybe it's only freeze dry fruit. You can also, you can have some green asparagus because I hear in other countries asparagus is white and that's weird. So have it our way and be like, oh, that has different flavor. You know, we're grilling purple asparagus

in our home garden. Well, why didn't you start out telling me that story instead of being like, I'm in Cheyenne, Wyoming, Rushmore is great and you're terrible. I didn't say you're terrible. I do think it's weird that you haven't rewatch Rushmore when it's clearly one of the best movies ever made. Let's move on to this question from Natalie, who writes, is it toothbrush water and then toothpaste or is it toothbrush toothpaste and then water. I've been having this debate actually with my seven year old child. Toothbrush water toothpaste. I do toothbrush toothpaste water.

Unfortunately, that's incorrect. But then the toothpaste doesn't get any water on it. Oh no, no, no, no, yeah. That would also be an issue, because the correct order is toothbrush, water, toothpaste, water. And you have to remember to turn off the water between each of those things,

which is the debate that I'm currently having with Henry. And there is a big believer that you turn the water on and then you leave it on until the end of time. Yeah, well, we could, we could, we could, uh, you know, Uncle Hank need to give a lesson in environmental sustainability. Well, I mean, well, I was kind of having this debate with Henry about, you know, like what amounts to a couple of cups of water. And then he reminded me that I recently taught him that the water that comes out of our sprinklers

is the same as the water that he drinks. And he just thought that was ludicrous. He was like, but why would you pour that water on grass? And I was like, yeah, no, you're not wrong. But you still, I don't know. Waste is waste. I don't know. Henry is getting to that age now, Hank,

where he can kind of successfully debate me. You know, like we're occasionally he wins. You're like, you know, you're right. We're just dumping that onto the literal ground. So maybe you can just leave the water running. Fine, child. Oh, man, that's something. Right now, my son can debate me in exclusively one way,

by punching me in the face and ripping my glasses off, which he does regularly. I feel like he doesn't punch you in the face when he's angry. He doesn't know about punching to be angry. He thinks it's cute or something. I don't know, what do seven months old actually think about that? He definitely is thinking about something.

If we take him to a new place, you can't get him to interact with any person because he's like, what is all of this? What is this room? What are these shapes? What is this movement? What is that color? And it, which is great to just like watch

his little brow furrow up and be like, hmm, I'm, this is all very new, I'm not so sure about it. This is a, this is a room I haven't been in before. Is that a good baby voice? Yeah, that was a good baby voice. That sounded just like, um, the Alec Baldwin in Boss Baby. Boss Baby, a movie? You didn't see the movie Boss Baby? Turns out no, is it as good as Rushmore? No, it is not, it is not as good as Rushmore. However, I am friends with the author of the book Boss Baby

and the book is amazing. Have you read the book at least? No, no, John. All right, so the book, well, I mean, you would read it with your tiny little baby. Oh, okay, I have a good one. I've got books yet, but I'll send you the board version. It is a book.

I was thinking of like a 600 word novel, Boss Baby. And I could have to get it on Audible. It's a lovely picture book. And it is hilarious. It basically imagines that, you know, like a baby in their role as like the boss of the family? It's very, very freaking cute.

Yeah, so anyway, I, we still read boss baby in our family sometimes. It's one of the very few books that you will find on Amazon that is an average rating of five full stars. Wow, that is not easy to accomplish. Yeah, so now the author's name is Marlough Reise and she is also really, really just a great, great person and a great author of children's books.

She wrote another one of my favorite picture books about James and Aiman. What is that book called? Two, a couple of boys have the best week ever or something like that. I'm gonna look it up. At what point do I remind John that he's literally been talking about Boss Baby

for like two minutes only because I made a voice that sounded like a voice to him? It is called a couple of boys have the best week ever. We could move on. What was the question? Sorry, I suddenly got engaged with the world. I was very excited. I don't even remember why. To toothbrush toothpaste water or toothbrush water than toothpaste?

Yeah, we don't know. I think that you're going to be okay either way. Sometimes, you know, John, honestly, I'll do tooth toothbrush. No, wait, tooth brush, toothpaste, and then mouth. Yeah, and that's not bad of an outcome, actually. There's like that first, like, first, like, four seconds where it's like there's not enough water in my mouth, but then your mouth has a magical ability to produce water, and then you have it in your mouth.

This question comes from Rachel who asks, dear Hank and John, do you think Lin-Manuel Miranda ever listens to Hamilton just for funzees? Does Michael Jordan watch Space Jam every now and again? Hank, do you ever listen to your own music? John, do you ever reread your own books just because you like them? I must know your obedient servant, Rachel. I like this question mostly because it imagines

that just as Hamilton is the most important work. Lin-Manuel Miranda has ever done space jam is the most important work Michael Jordan has ever done Like oh Michael Jordan What do you when you look at it back at your career? What do you look at well mostly space jam? Not so much being arguably the best NBA player of all time I never watched that game where with 104 degree fever, I scored like 60 points in the NBA playoff finals. That's mostly, I just rewatched Space Jam. No, I do not reread my own books.

That, I mean, I read and reread them plenty before they come out. I don't need to reread them after they come out, especially because I think I'll just see things that I wanna change. Right, no, that makes a lot, especially because I think I'll just see things that I want to change. Right, no, that makes a lot of sense. I sing my own songs all the time. I sing your songs all the time, too, actually. But that was not the question. It's, do I listen to my own music? And yes, I also do that.

There's this great thing about listening to your own music, which is that when I'm listening to a Billy Joel song, I try to sound like Billy Joel, and when I'm listening to a queen song, I try to sound like Freddie Mercury, but when I'm listening to a Hank Green song, I sound exactly like that guy. I don't even have to try. I... Yeah, I have to say, I sing your songs more than I like listen to them on Spotify,

because they're all inside of my head from all those times touring together. What tends to happen to me is it will, like, my phone will automatically connect to the Bluetooth in my car, and for whatever reason it's like, you know, instead of playing for you, the audiobook you were listening to five minutes ago,

here's a random selection from the things on your phone, and it'll be like, bop by Hansen, or like Demolition Derby, one of the songs that I never think about that I wrote and I'll be like, oh, I would have done this a little bit different, but it's pretty good. And then I'll sing along. Demolition? That's not even me, that's a different guy singing that part. I don't know, I picked that. Um, do you ever rewatch old vlogbrothers videos? I don't know, I picked that. Okay. Do you ever rewatch old vlog brothers videos and think like, God, I used to be great at this.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I'm sure that I will do that two years from now. I watched stuff that I made this year and be like, wow, I was really like,

like, above and beyond back then. Yeah, sometimes when I meet people at like a grocery store or whatever and they're like, I used to watch your YouTube videos, I think to myself, like, and I can't really blame them. My YouTube videos used to be great. I'm really proud of some of the stuff we've done in the last 12 months, but going back and seeing something I did six years ago that I worked really hard on,

there's something very different about that, because I forget about how hard I work on videos. And then I'll watch this thing and I'll be like, wow, that was a significant amount of thought and time that went into that. I mean, occasionally I'll watch a video and be like, I did visual effects for the first time. was like a significant amount of thought and time that went into that. I mean, occasionally I'll watch a video and be like, I did visual effects for that.

There's like three videos that I've ever done that I've had some component of superimposing something onto a screen or doing kinetic typography or something, and I'm just like, whoa, I opened After Effects. That never happens. Yeah, I've never done that. So that sounds like you'd feel good about yourself,

but I don't know what that feels like, and I never will. I don't have the talent for it. I have to say I also go back and watch old vlog with those videos and often think like, well, that wasn't very good. Right, of course, yes, that is the thing that I'll often go back and watch the ones

I'm most proud of. And then I'll be like, I used to be so good at this, but I'm not watching the ones from 2008 where I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. Why are we still doing this? There are a lot of them that were not very good. Even the ones, there's a lot from any year that are not very good.

That's one of the things I really appreciate about our audience, our community, and the fact that we've been able to have an audience for a long time is that they're very forgiving. Like, you know, people tend not to walk away after one bad video, which is good, because if they did, everyone would have walked away a long time ago.

I don't have very many that I'm not like, that I'm not proud of. There are some, but there's definitely like a large body of middle mediocre. I feel like you've made some clunkers. Oh yeah, no, I agree. I just think that the tail is like, it shrinks there at the end where there's like,

there's like five videos I wish I hadn't uploaded at all, you know? Yeah, for me, that is much closer to 100. Oh man, this video of a bunch of YouTubers laughing without smiling, that's good stuff. I went to... Are you going through your old laugh catalog right now? I am, I'm doing a video now. I mean, I might be in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but at least I'm not like googling my own name

while potting. This one's really good where Nathan Zed took over. Yes, Nathan Zed wanted to steal the best vlog brother. Like, I would argue like the five best vlog brothers are all people other than us who've taken over during paternity leave. If anything, maybe we should just hand over the channel at some point, just say like, well, we did our best, but it turns out that this isn't really where our talents lie. So we're just gonna let Nathan,

Zed and Sabrina Cruz take it from here. Like, look, it's not about us. It's about a way of looking at the world. Other people have that. See you later, I'm gonna go hang out with my child. All right, Hank, we got another question. We're just gonna, we're just gonna pod. We're gonna pod from now on.

Oh God, I like hanging out with you on podcast, John. And I like this, sometimes I'm like, man, I wish I could do that every single morning. And then I'm like, but that's, and that's five hours a week I do not have. Not only that, I don't think anyone could tolerate listening to us that much. I'm sure that there are going to be a bunch of people who are like, I would totally do it. And it's like, you know, you don't know what it would actually be like.

You don't know. That's too much. It's too much. But the question, the answer to the question does Lin-Manuel Miranda ever listen to Hamilton has to be yes. I mean, he's human like the rest of us, right? I mean, if any of the rest of us had created Hamilton, like it would be the infinite jest for me. I would spend the rest of my life listening to it. As it is, I spend much of my life listening to it already. All right, Hank, we have another question. This one comes from Tammyambi who writes,

dear John and Hank, for almost a year I've been planning a trip to California for VidCon for my senior trip. I found out that I have the opportunity to meet you guys on Thursday for the meet and greet, and I'm going to low-key die. Oh God. That's gonna be really my greatest fears actually,

is that someone will die while meeting me. And just the stress of that, obviously, I don't wanna make while meeting me. And just the stress of that. Obviously, I don't wanna make that about me. That's gonna be a bigger deal for you, Tambi. And the people who love you, and I don't wanna make myself the center of that narrative, but it's hard for me not to, just because like, it's, do you live inside of your own body?

I mean, I find, I find, I find these signings stressful enough without people low-key dying. Okay. Don't low-key die, Tambi. It's going to be okay. And also, now we have something to talk about. You could be like, I'm the person who asked that question on the pot. First of all, I don't know what to have you guys sign.

Anything other than skin works in answer to that question. But also, ever since I've told people I get to meet you to, they ask me if I can get something signed for them. But I know I'm only supposed to have one thing signed and I kind of wanted to be something of mine. How do I nicely say no? Excitedly conflicted, Tammy. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Is there something not nice about saying just now? Yeah, I feel like you just have to say no. Like, I think actually you can probably get two things signed if you're quick about it and cool about it. But yeah, I mean, I think you just say, like, listen, I'm the one traveling to VidCon and too bad. Life is full of disappointments.

Yeah, that's the one. That, hey, life isn't fair. No, that's what you want to say to your friends at the time. To have the, I have worked extremely hard to try to kill the market for my signature. There are more signed copies of the Faultner Stars available than there are unsigned copies. If somebody wants my signature, they can go to eBay and pay literally $2 for a signed copy

of the Faultner Stars. So, good call. Yeah. Yep. Agreed. I'm really trying to kill the market for my signature hank. It is dead, John. I mean, it is dead until you're dead.

Like maybe like 50 years after you're dead, there will be some kind of weird secondary market. Nope. One of the things like I know a sort of surprising amount about things signed by you. And I do kind of have this brain thing that says like, someday like a signature by John that is like, has like a double scribble instead of a single scribble

because you messed up. It's gonna be like, people are gonna think that that's like rare and pay extra for it. You know what, I don't think that's true is because I don't think that there's some like, a future where my signature suddenly becomes a big thing to have. You know? Right, like that's the thing.

You are going to become, like you're not gonna become more famous after death. No. I know offense. No, not taken. That's. No, you know who's signature, I still have. And like was such a big deal to me when I got it,

was the lead singer of the rap group Onyx His name's sticky fingers. He was on a plane with us once and I got an autograph from him And I remember thinking it was really cool and it still is really cool to me by the way Like it's still like a valuable thing to me But like there is no way that in 50 or a hundred years That's going to be like a sought-after signature. And I think I hope people who acquire signatures really from either Greenbrother understand that it's, you know, like we're not going to be upset if you, uh, part ways with that,

uh, with that signed book down the road or, or that signed ukulele or whatever it is. Like we get it, we get it. It has value in that you give it value. Yeah, exactly. This question is not a question. It comes from Kaira. John, you weren't here for what this is in reference to, but other listeners probably were.

Dear Hank and John, when I heard the question from the anonymous homeschooler who had been poorly homeschooled, I initially wondered if maybe it had been written by me six years ago and I had somehow not remembered. But I remember that the pod was not around six years ago. I was also very poorly homeschooled. My mother stopped attempting to teach me when I was around 13. I also never took a real history or science class because I was religiously homeschooled.

I am now 23 and pursuing my master's degree. I want to offer a little bit of hope to this home schooler and others in similar situations. I was lucky enough to go to a community college when I was 17 and there I found many professors who understood when I explained that I had had had a poor education and were willing to help me learn. Additionally, Crash Course has been a great resource for me to help fill some of the gaps. There is hope. We can be taught Kyra. That's just a really nice message that I liked and Kyra also asked if maybe she could be

put in touch with the anonymous homeschooler, which I think we might try and do. I also had another update on the story of the girl who was born on the plane, John. Yes. So we had a long conversation about this, about like, like, how this mother went into labor on the plane and they couldn't get the plane

to the ground fast enough that the baby was born on the plane. Correct. It was a pipe or senica, a sea or something. Yes, correct. And that it didn't make any sense because it doesn't have a very long range. Like, like, there's, you're gonna be within an hour of your airport every time.

So if you go into labor, turn around, you can't have a baby in an hour. Like, it's, maybe it's happened, but it is unlikely. So, I was talking to a person who was an expert in childbirth. She's midwife has been for a long time and she was like, I was listening to the pod. And you know what happened, right?

And I was like, oh, I don't know what happened. It seems very strange to me. Was like the air pressure pushed the baby out and she laughed at me and said, no, it was a medical transport. Oh, of course it was. Yeah. That makes sense.

So she's in like rural Alaska or something. And they're like, we need to get you on a plane to get you to the hospital because you're about to have this baby. You are currently in labor. Yeah. I see. Yeah.

It wasn't like they were, I was kind of picturing that they were like, you know, on their way to a vacation or something. Like the, just the pre-baby vacation that one takes, where you fly in a small airplane. In a small airplane to us, Lake Tahoe, I don't know. But that makes much more sense. That's okay.

So now we know half the story. I would argue that we still don't know the half of the story. And then I guess, no, we actually, we do know the other half of the story because the other half of the story. And then I guess, no, we actually, we do know the other half of the story because the other half of the story is that the tail number is not necessarily associated with the same air traffic crashed. Okay.

I just wanna say one other thing in response in response to previous pods, which is that Abby wrote in to say, dear John and Hank, I just wanted to share that the saddest big bird is in the Sesame Street movie entitled Follow That Bird, in which Big Bird is sent to live with a family of other birds, runs away and is captured by two guys who put him in the circus. It made me cry as a child,

but we'll always hold a special place in my heart, just thought you guys should know childhood and sadness, Abby, which I wanted to read because I watched, follow that bird with Henry when he was like three or four, and Henry was like, what the hell are you doing to me? And I was also like, I'm sorry, I did not know what we were getting into. I thought that this was gonna be like the other Big Bird movie that we'd seen,

which was called Big Bird Comes Home. And Henry the whole time during Big Bird Comes Home was like, this is horrible. And I was like, Henry, don't worry. The movie's called Big Bird Comes Home. He's gonna get home. But then when we were watching the fall of that bird, I was like, you know what,

maybe this time Big Bird isn't coming home. Maybe he's gonna be in the circus forever. Like this is pretty dark actually. I mean, Big Bird spends a fair amount of time being said, but I also have to say, I don't want to say this because it's gonna be hard for me to say it without crying and I'm gonna make other people cry. But saddest Big Bird is 100% Big Bird's

processional at Jim Henson's funeral, which is the thing that happened to Annie's emotionally wrecking. True. Like, oh, this podcast is brought to you by Saddest Big Bird. Saddest Big Bird, the saddest thing. So sad. Really, really sad. This podcast is also brought to you by next level laziness. Next level laziness, the future.

Yes, the future. And this podcast is additionally brought to you by Infinite Water. Just leave your taps on. And finally, this podcast is brought to you by Hanks Music. Hanks Music. Listen to By Hanks. And available at dftba.com. Door available on Spotify.

I mean, why would you purchase something with it? It's not 100% available on Spotify, and you wanna know why, John? Why? Because I'm lazy It takes it takes extra work. I'm sure it does Hank you know how everybody always talks about like which

member of the Winnie the Pooh crew you are like everybody's Everybody's personality is similar to one or the other of Winnie the Pooh characters. I'm always called an E or I think unfairly for the record. I think that it's a bit of an oversimplification to call me sort of merely E orish, and I get very defensive about it because I feel like E or gets a bad rap in the Winnie the Pooh stories. Like, you never see the kind of upsides of being an Eor, of which I would argue there

are many. Anyway, I was just going to say that in the world of Sesame Street, if we're going to like give everybody a Sesame Street character, I would say that you are very much an Elmo. Thanks. I'll take it. You're welcome, you're welcome. I'm a grover myself. Yeah, I think Elmo and Grover get it, like, we're a good team too.

I agree. So I think that's good. Yeah. Yeah, let's get rid of this Winnie the Pooh stuff and just talk about what Sesame Street character you are. That's way more interesting. Well, I have a really hard time figuring out what Winnie the Pooh crew member I would be.

Like, I don't really have it. Like maybe the owl guy, because I'm pretty pretentious and obsessed with my own intelligence. Yeah, I was gonna say, only owls think that they're owls. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. With that noted, let's move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon Hank what is the news from Mars this week it's bad news john it's always bad news news it's Donald Trump not gonna not gonna get to Mars by 2024 oh he does say things so the bad news is, when you shoot a cell with an alpha particle, it has a chance of mutating and becoming cancerous. And that is the model through which we estimated how likely it would be for astronauts to get cancer on their way to and well, inhabiting Mars being hit by cosmic rays from the sun, or cosmic rays from the sun, or cosmic rays from the cosmos.

And the, so that's like a sort of accepted model, but it turns out, and we've known this for some time, that in fact, if an alpha particle hits one cell, the chance of cancer, not just in that cell, but in the cell surrounding that cell, goes up. And we have some ideas about the mechanism of how this might be. It's sort of like it creates chemicals that leave that cell, and there's a sort of a bystander cell effect. So there is a higher than one would expect chance of getting cancer every time you are hit

by an alpha particle, or any higher in energy particle has the sort of same effect. And so NASA recently took this into account or a study took this into account and said that NASA's radiation guesses are based on an inaccurate model and they say that if you take the more accurate model that includes bystander cells that might become cancerous, even though they weren't hit by a high-energy particle, that the chance of getting cancer on your trip to Mars while you're on Mars and your trip back doubles. Doubles from, if you just stayed on Earth?

No, doubles from, if you didn't, if you, uh, Oh, if you didn't take into account that effect. Yeah, doubles from our previous estimates. But it was already higher than if you just stayed on earth. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But now it's higher than that. It's higher than we thought. It is higher than higher.

Is there a sense of how high it is? Yes, I don't know exactly what that is though. In general, your chance of death from a mission to Mars is much higher from accident than from cancer. And also, the cancer will come later. So that's something. Astronauts are already risking their lives in tremendous ways.

But especially if you consider a long-term kind of like program of going to Mars regularly or people inhabiting Mars, there has to be solutions for the cosmic ray problem. And we've got some ideas, but they are at the moment just ideas. And I can... Is there any way we could just... I would advocate for curing cancer. Sure, that's one. Just just to cure every type of cancer. Yeah.

And I also am pro that. Interestingly, that is not easy to do. Of course, yeah, I know. I'm aware of that. I'm aware of that issue. It seems like there's a lot of parts of going to bars that are hard. And I for one, I'm glad to be right here on Earth with our sweet, sweet atmosphere. Speaking of Earth, it is home to the greatest third-tier English locker team the world has ever known, AFC Wimbledon. Well, like the news from AFC Wimbledon

is, as you know, we lost our goalkeeper, James Shea, he was released at the end of the season. There's a 16 year old goalkeeper on Wimbledon's squad at the moment, Joe Bersich, but he as well looks to be moving on. It looks like he might join Crystal Palace, a Premier League side. I don't think he'll be playing for their first team to start, but very exciting for him. I mean, you always want to go to the community. Yeah, how many, how many 16-year-olds are there in the Premier League or just in soccer in general? Like that, that seems very...

A lot. Like, it's any 16-year-old who plays soccer could be on a Premier League youth squad, but yeah, it's... Okay. He's very, he's a very promising prospect, and AFC Wimbledon have done a great job developing goalkeepers in general. Also, Tom Elliott is moving on. It would appear probably to second-tier millwall. So that's great for him. Unfortunately, we don't get any kind of transfer fee for that because he will be out of contract

at the end of the month. So there's no financial benefit to him. Right. Wimbledon, that means that we don't have a goalkeeper and we have one fewer strikers, which is not, it's not like an ideal situation, but Neil Ardley has shown an ability to bring in great players. And I just, I'm gonna, we just got to keep our fingers crossed that we've got some people coming in. Woof! I mean, are you guys in a better financial situation because you're in the better tier

or have you gotten some money for all these players that you're sending off? Yeah, if Joe Bersich leaves, I think there will be a significant transfer fee. And then, yeah, that's part of, yes, the short answer is yes. And the club is in a better financial position from what I understand,

but it's always gonna be one of the, I mean, it's definitely still one of the smallest clubs in Wig 1, and so that comes with a lot of challenges, but never bet against AFC Wimbledon. If I've learned anything these last few years, it's that. So hopefully it'll all work out. I'll tell you what Hank, we could get into the Premier League

for a tenth of what it would cost to get to Mars. I mean, hopefully less than that. Yeah, actually, probably, probably less than that. I think that would be an interesting proposition for NASA, though. Just be like, listen, guys, this Mars stuff, it's very complicated. It's going to be extremely challenging. Why don't you just take 10% of your Mars budget and toss it right into AFC Wimbledon and see if some magic happens? I mean, that is a certain kind of magic, John.

Alright, Hank, what did we learn today? We learned that barbecue is the great American flavor. It's true. It's true. We learned that John wasn't really here most of the pod. We learned that Boss Baby is a really great movie, almost better than Rushmore. No, the book. The book is good. Everybody buy the book. And lastly, we learned that Michael Jordan's most important work is Space Jam. Of course, of course it is. Congratulations to Michael Jordan on his great work on Space Jam. Of course, of course it is. Congratulations to Michael Jordan

on his great work on Space Jam, by the way. Super proud of him. And also to Alex Lodland on his great work on Boss Baby, which I'm sure he looks back on his most as his most important work as well. This podcast is produced by Rosie on a Halsey Rojas and Sheridan Gibson. It's edited by Nicholas Jenkins.

Our social media manager is Victoria Bonzorno. Oh, our music is by the great Gunnarola. You can cover Thomas on Patreon at patreon.com slash deer, Hank and John or on Twitter at Hank Green or John Green. Thanks to everybody for listening, Hank's thanks for potting with me. And as we say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome. Don't forget to be awesome.