Dear Hank & John - 97: Lemon Salty Whales

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

When should I introduce my kid to Star Wars? Can I dislike parts of my life even though I have privilege? How did humans start swimming? And more! Email us: [e-mail] patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. No, as I prefer to think of it dear John and Hank, but I appreciate the count stopping by from Sesame Street. It's a comedy podcast about death where two brothers Hank and John Green will give you some dubious advice and answer your questions and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hi, John. How are you? Uh... You know the truth.

Like, if I were good, we're gonna be perfectly honest. Oh God, no, I don't wanna know the truth. Lie to me. Lie. Lie. I can't. I can't lie. I can't lie. Then, then you should ask me how I'm doing. I think I have had one of the most emotionally, in terms of my professional life,

just like emotionally up and down weeks, I can remember, I've laughed, I've cried, I've had panic attacks, I threw up from nervousness. It's just been up and down. It's been every which way but Sunday, as my mother used to say, by the way, that old phrase never made any sense to me. I don't really know what it means,

because Sunday isn't even a way, but it reminds me of something else. The answer to your question is that I'm doing really well right now, like super well But I had some had some hard times in my past, but the I just want to quickly tell you a story which is that I Used to always explain to my now seven-year-old son when One somebody would say something that was just like a weird euphemism or something that like doesn't make sense if you are a literal Translator of English as most like four and five year olds are I would just be like Henry

That's an old saying, you know, it's just an old saying and here's what it means and one time I was driving Henry back from picking up some kind of horrible You know fast food dinner that I'm sure His mother would have not approved of and we're driving back And he's eating his french fries in the car seat and he says to me lemon salty Whales

And I said what and he said lemon salty whales and I said What and he said dad's just an old saying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, John, the world's been around for a long time. Maybe it is. Maybe it is. Maybe somewhere there's a culture that where people are just like, oh, lemon salty whales.

Got us again. What, what you gonna do? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know, you think you're in control of your life and you think things are going pretty well and then, pff, women salty whales. Well, speaking of women salty whales, John, I got this, I got this microscope, you know, recently. I do not have been having a lot of fun with it. You know, sometimes you'll turn your keyboard over and you just tap it on your desk and just to clean it out,

because there's some stuff in there. Well, I took that stuff and I put it in a little pile and I put it on my microscope plate and then I pointed my microscope at it and don't do that. Really? Which was, I didn't wanna know. Just a bunch of dead skin cells, right? It's just, no, it's so many different things. How can so many different things get in there?

It's just mmm. I would imagine it's just dead skin cells Which is one of the very few things that I'm not pathologically afraid of it's also it was a bunch of food It was a lot of food a lot of little. Oh, yeah Food particles but also things I didn't recognize. And like, the things that look like crystals, and I don't know, and maybe, I don't know if it's like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, bugs, as well, maybe. Oh, the yikes.

Yeah, I, bug poop. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I, do bugs, poop. Of course they poop, John. Mm-hmm. They got a front and a back end, and it goes through the tube just like us I guess I wasn't thinking about like like roaches when I was thinking about bugs. I was thinking about you know like I don't know like an amoeba. Oh well amoeba is our not bugs

Okay, and I don't and they have a waste but they don't they do not poop They don't have a tube amoeba's all right well with that noted that's what brought us some questions from our listeners okay I got one that uh... that I think we have a good answer to john good I think I think that we've had a good answer to it it humanity has had a good answer to it or at least the english-speaking human humanity has and uh... we need to share it it's from jade who asked steer h and John, I work in a therapy office.

And about half of our clientele, as couples and families, I usually refer to the couple or family as the unit as you guys. As in your appointment started 10 minutes ago, are you guys still able to make it? I've always disliked that male nouns and pronouns are considered universal, slash the default.

I'm sure that our female clients are used to being referred to as you guys. And it probably doesn't bother them too much, but I as a female know that there, know that if there was a more inclusive word or phrase, people could use, I would want them to use it. Is there another word or phrase that I can use to be more inclusive?

Thanks, Jay. Of course there is. There is. You wanna say it on three hank? Yeah, sure. One, two, three, y'all. Y'all. Y'all.

We have already invented this word. And just because it is closely associated with the American South, does not mean that it is not a useful and good word. Admittedly, I am from the American South. I say y'all very comfortably. It doesn't sound weird to me, it never has. But y'all is comfortably, it doesn't sound weird to me it never has, but y'all is a

great gender-neutral word for the plural you and solves one of the great problems in English, which is that you and you is both singular and plural. It's extremely confusing and it needed to be addressed and we have addressed it successfully. So this is an unrelated side note here. When I took Spanish in high school, and there's a plural noun for we, nosotros, and because nouns in Spanish are gendered, there's no sootros, and there's no sootras. And if you're a group of guys, you're no sootros,

and if you're a group of girls, you're no sootros. And if you're a group of girls, you're no Sotras. But my Spanish teacher literally said this to me, if it is a stadium of women and there is one man, it is no Sotros. So like if it's a group of split, like multiple people, but like all you need is one dude. And I thought that was like so wrong and weird and bad. But at the same time, like, we say you guys

for any group of people. That's true. So it's everywhere and it is a convenience and it is also illustrative. I think Y'all is plenty illustrative actually and I'm not backing down off of my support for Y'all. It is the greatest word that is not widely utilized in the English language.

I would say illustrative, I mean, it is illustrative of a deeper thing in our culture. Oh, yeah, no, it definitely is illustrative of that, of a system. Yes. Yes, quite. Quite. Quite. But Hank, I have another question, and it's very important.

I'm sorry, I think we need to get to it. Mm-hmm. It's time sensitive, okay? Okay. And that's a hard one. That's bad. That's bad news, because these two take a while to get up. Dear John and Hank, I have the same name as Trump's new FBI

director. I'm afraid the Russians will come after me. What do I do? My claim to fame is my name, Christopher Ray. The Chris is an easy solution here, which is just like way to a couple weeks. Because he's not gonna be the next director of the FBI Chris.

I mean, and even if he is, he's just gonna give five. Yeah, I mean, it's not a job with a long life. His best case scenario is director of the FBI for 14 hours. That's as good as it's going to get for Christopher Ray. So if you just told on to your name, you're going to be fine. But that's not actually what I would recommend because I also disagreed with the premise of the question because I would argue that the Russians are not going

to be coming for Christopher Ray. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the Russians want, John, and that's what they want. Hank, we have decided not to talk about this in public in detail, and I think that is the right decision. But you and I have both received some information that actual hackers sponsored by an actual government have pursued information related to us. Yes, that's correct.

Uh... Uh... Uh... It is deeply dist... I'm trying to choose my words extremely carefully. It is deeply disturbing to us'm trying to choose my words extremely carefully. It is deeply disturbing to us and also really highlights how common this must be since Hank and I are not, I would say, A level targets.

Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Like if I were a foreign government and I wanted to access, even the information related to say a thousand Americans, I just don't think I would put me on the list. Yes, definitely not on the list. I mean, what they probably do, John, is they just go through Twitter and they try and hit

anybody who has a substantial number of followers. And they're just, you know, just information gathering. But yeah, it is really like, it's super weird. It's super weird to get that note. It's scary. I mean, there's no getting around it. So, Christopher Ray, to be totally honest with you, I would probably turn on two-factor authentication

on your email and all your social media accounts that matter to you. That's my honest advice. I would do that if I were you. I don't think that's an overreaction. No, yeah, and it's not just the Russians coming for you. Anybody wants access to that? I'm just gonna stop you right there.

You do not know if it was the Russian government. No, and even if it were, I would just like to state for the record that I think the Russian government has often been misunderstood. And they're very, super nice folks just like, They're doing a really good job, needing the country of Russia. And if anything, I think that they need to have more influence on American politics.

So I just want to state that that is my, I am Hank, I am a cow word. That's one of the other things I learned from this experience. I am a weak, weak man. It's like, oh, well, yeah, I mean, it's weird when somebody comes for you. And it's like, ah, I learned something about myself today. I just want to have a good time. And not be dealing with that.

I just wanna have a good, safe life. Jesus Christ, just let me stay here in Indianapolis and have a normal life. Oh my God, that was my immediate reaction. So yeah, I mean, usually I would be like, oh, this is not a big deal, just go by your middle name or we would come up with a bunch of jokes,

but I actually did wanna tell you to go ahead and turn on two factor authentication. It's the least that you can do. And also probably the most that you can do. This question comes from Wesley, who asks Dear Hank and John, what is the best way to introduce my young son to Star Wars? Should I try and hold back as much as I can

until he's between four and five, and then show him the original trilogy Or should I throw caution to the win and allow my own Star Wars obsession to spill over into his life as well laser swords and burp brags Wesley so I have a pretty strong opinion about this tank well I mean because I've been through it. Oh, oh, oh John this morning we put Orin for the first time into the Star Wars cute thing that you got him by the way. He is now big enough to wear it.

It's adorable. So he's already starting, like he's seven months old and he's already a fan. Right, but he hasn't seen the movies yet. Here's my theory, and I'm gonna try to say this without spoilers, there's something that happens in those movies specifically toward the end of Empire Strikes Back that is a oh wow holy crap. Oh my gosh moment. It's one of the great oh my gosh moments in the history of any movie. And your kid has to be old enough in that moment

to have that oh wow experience or else the trilogy will kind of be lost on them. Now, I guess they can watch the prequels whenever. But the, but movies four, five, and six, I think you have to get that oh wow moment. Now I have friends who showed who are big believers that the order when you share it with your kid should be first movie four, Star Wars a new home

and then the prequels and then movie five so you can get the full boom of that oh my gosh moment. But I think your kids have to be old enough to get that. And also, kind of maybe old enough to be able to watch the not insignificant amount of violence. And then there's the secondary issue, which is that if you wait too long, the whole thing gets spoiled on the frickin' playground.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. I don't really know how to be a human in the world who who hasn't been spoiled on that spoiler I mean you totally can be there's lots of humans in the world who haven't been spoiled on that spoiler, but it is The the extent as far as I can tell the only thing that happens on the playground at Henry's school is that The kids swap spoilers for all the books that they're reading. We're reading Harry Potter right now. And, wow.

And I mean, it's not just that Henry knows some spoilers. Henry knows, he knows thousands of spoilers. He knows he's essentially been read the books by his classmates in such a way that while we're reading the book, he'll be like, you know what's about're reading the book he'll be like you know what's about to happen and I'll be like no I don't know what's about to happen even though I do and he'll be like dragons and I'll be like dragons and I'll say and not just any dragon a Hungarian horn tail and I'll be like how how well that's I mean that's that's kind of

interesting like I like the idea of people like telling these stories to each other in their own way. There's something, there's something, especially children. Like, they love the story so much they want to tell each other the story and it becomes, you know, they get to practice their storytelling skills and they entertain each other in that way. Like, I kind of like that. And that, you know, that might be more important than, you know, getting that big, oh my gosh moment.

But maybe not. But, but, but, but, Wesley, there's really good news for your specific situation, which is that if you want to save that, that the, you know, the original trilogy, you can, because there is a lot of Star Wars stuff that doesn't have anything to do with the original trilogy. That's very good point. Star Wars. Star Wars. Yeah, you can, there is so much kid-focused

Star Wars stuff for you to show your children. Yeah, that's a great point, Hank. I mean, yeah, and you can save that. You can save the original trilogy for when they're old enough for that. On that front, I have to say there's a series of Star Wars kind of like middle grade and YA novels that have come out lately. One was written by Beth Revis,

one by Adam Gidwitz, they're really good. So that might be something that you can share with them as well. Okay, this question comes from our old friend Anonymous, who writes to your John and Hank, I'm a 17 year old gay girl living in a Middle Eastern country and I am extremely privileged. I go to one of the best high schools in my city and I live in a highly comfortable life surrounded by people who love and support me. My dilemma is, I still hate it here. I'm miserable living in this country, even though

I have so much privilege. I feel stifled and depressed that I can't be who I am. I am so tired of having to be in the closet to everyone because I could actually go to jail for it. And I don't want to hate it. I feel like I have no right to hate where I live when I have such a comfortable life and other people are suffering so much more than I am, even in the same city, going to bad schools, barely enough to eat and horrible health care. Is it okay that I'm not happy and dislike my country even after my life has been amazing here? Hope and feathers anonymous.

No, yeah, that's fine. I mean, first of all, you can like some things about your life and about how your life is and about the privileges you've had and also dislike other things about your life and about how you are being controlled and not allowed to be the way that you are. Yeah, I mean, that's an extreme form of oppression to not be able to be yourself and to have forces that are larger than you saying that who you are

is not okay, and that who you are is in fact illegal, which is what the government is telling you. And that's a very, very hard thing to hear. It's a dehumanizing thing to hear, and I don't think that there's the privileges that you've enjoyed in any way, lesson or diminish that. Would it be harder to be the same person and having not enjoyed those privileges? Of course, it would be, but that doesn't mean that your pain and your experience isn't

real and isn't painful because it certainly is. I mean, that sounds really, really difficult to me. I want to be really careful here not to out people, but I know people who are living in similar situations, and it is extremely difficult, even if you have all of the privileges in the world, all the structural privileges in the world, all the money in the world, it is extremely difficult to be told by your community and your government that who you are as a person is illegal and wrong and not fully human. I mean, those are incredibly difficult things to hear. Yeah, and I mean, there are also hopefully maybe ways to like things about your culture and about your

traditions while also really disliking that part of your country, of the thing that you are inevitably a part of. It is where you are will always be a part of you. And you can hate that thing. And but hopefully still not hate everything about this other piece of your identity, which is your home. Yeah, but that's a very difficult thing.

And I also don't want to pretend that Hank or I can give you a clear answer on that. I can tell you that as I hope you know, you're not alone in that and that the struggle for justice and the struggle for accepting people as fully human, it's going to take a while. It's going to be difficult, but I think we see in human history causes for hope. So I hope that that gets better for you. I hope that you're more comfortable with your life as time goes on, but I also want you to know that you shouldn't certainly be beating yourself up over feeling that pain because

it seems to me that that pain is very real. This next question comes from Corey who asks, dear Hank and John, so as a 14 soon to be 15-year-old, my hormones and my genetics make it so that a good amount of acne tends to appear on my face at the same time, hair tends to sprout from my face as well. Not wanting to go through the commitment of growing a full beard. Also, let me be frank, you probably can't. I have to on multiplications shave my face, but with said acne, it can be very difficult to do that without cutting my face. So I ask whether it would be better just to wait till

I'm done with the whole puberty thing or is there some magical trick to not cutting your face? Well, you've come to the right place, Corey, because Hank and I are both experts in really bad, pubescent facial hair. And also, you know, a fair amount of, though certainly not the worst acne that has ever happened, which is like can be a really difficult and painful thing. What I will say, don't use a razor, get an electric shaving thing or, and that will make it so much easier

and so much less painful, and also you'll have fewer scabs and fewer bleeding and less bleeding and all of that. So get an electric shaver with a guard You know they can though over the life of it. It will probably be about the same price as buying razors anyway And if you can't afford that then ask ask your parents to help you with this thing that is difficult and hopefully they they will and can Yeah, I totally disagree with your advice. What? I do. I don't. I mean, you're rock.

So Hank, unlike you, I went to boarding school for high school, and also I hit puberty very late, which meant that I experienced like most of my puberty related learning from my peers. There are parts of that that I can recommend. There are many parts that I can say are not the best, not the best. And one of the ones that isn't the best is that my 10th grade girlfriend, Fran,

taught me how to shave because she become fed up with what she referred to as my Fisher Price, my first mustache. A joke that like several other jokes, Fran used, I have stolen, I think, twice in two different novels because I liked it so much. So shout out to Fran, who these days is doing amazing work on behalf of LGBTQ youth all over the country and it was had a huge huge role in getting a marriage equality the law of the land here in the United States. She's an amazing, amazing person, but the point is

that you taught me how to shave and I would say that that maybe is not like not her number one area of expertise, but I have stuck with the Fran method for shaving ever since I have, I know of no other method. I mean, how is this, how is this helpful? It sounds to me like you've been in shape. You can take. Every single time I shave, even now as a 39 year old person, I hear Fran's voice explaining to me how to do it.

And I'll tell you, the Fran way of shaving, which is to always shave with the grain, even though it leads to a less closed shave, does result in significantly fewer cuts on pimples. So that is my advice. Is the Fran way of shaving, just don't go against the grain, let yourself not have the cleanest possible shave, and then you're less likely to burst those pimples. Agreed, but you will be even less likely if you get an electric shaver with a guard and

use that, which is basically designed for zero irritation at all. I mean, I've never even heard of an electric shaver. So this is a complete news to me. Also, I would suggest Google how to safely shave with Acne. And I watched a little bit of this video that this guy made. This name's Brian. And it seemed like good advice. And I wish that I had had YouTube videos to Google

and podcasts to ask question to when I was shaving around my terrible spots. Okay, I would, I just wanna say one thing here, Hank, which is that anybody who ever asks us any question should just go to Google. What? Dear Google, I have the same name as Trump's do FBI director.

Yeah, it's going to get a way better answer. Okay, let's move on to a question from Marie who writes, dear Hank and last but not least John, that's honestly, that's worse. That's just, I know that that means, but actually least, it always does. At all, the only time it doesn't mean last but not least is when it's like a bunch of people are being introduced.

Like one time I remember I was at a movie screening and they introduced everybody and then they were like, you know, and last but not least, Chalene Woodley and we were all like, oh yeah, no we get it. Chalene's the most important person here. But anyway, dear Hank and last but not least, John, it seems that all mammals, except for orangutans, chimpanzees, gorillas, and bonobos, can swim.

Humans can swim, too, but they have to actually acquire this skill while all the other animals capable of swimming don't. My main question is, how did humans start swimming? Why must this individual have been thinking to come up with this idea? I suspect that individual was thinking, I want food and there's food in that water. But anyway, additional super extra bonus question,

do you think there is a way to teach one of the apes mentioned above to swim? Shoots and ladders, Marie. Shoots and ladders is a great sign off because just like life, that game is completely arbitrary. And right when you think you're winning, it turns out that you are at your most vulnerable. I did a little bit of research on this

and unsurprisingly, we aren't sure how many mammals can swim because we don't make a habit of just like throwing like the Hundreds of different species of bats into a lake and seeing what happens Our bats mammals sure they are John We're pretty I'm pretty sure that there are a number of mammals that cannot swim armadillos for example Don't do well in water as you might might expect, they're covered in heavy, they're not bony plates, but heavy keratinous plates,

and they don't have much ability to move their arms, so they just sink, they don't pay them to water, good. Just quick heads up. Armadillas can swim. In fact, they like to swim. Wait a second, Not all species. I'm just telling you that I am looking right now at an Armadillo swimming. It's sort of a dog paddle thing. I mean, I wouldn't say that this Armadillo

is an amazing swimmer, but it's swimming. I almost want to cut this out of the podcast because I said that so confidently and I'm so wrong. I know. Well, it's just it's pretty typical actually of the things you say very confidently. I mean, this armadillo isn't only swimming, it's diving beneath the water. And like, yeah, I would argue this armadillo is actually a better swimmer than I am.

It's amazing. I read. Can you think of another mammal that might not like to swim that I can provide a YouTube video providing evidence otherwise I mean there's a picture here of an armadillo competing against human swimmers I believe it's probably photoshopped but if I say it confidently now, then you've been we got it

Yeah, I'd have to come and incorrect you and be like actually Hank and armadillo once won a silver medal at the Olympics in the 200 meter fly Moodymodella once won a silver medal at the Olympics in the 200 meter fly. Ha ha ha ha ha. Uh, his name was Dan. I read an article that was like Armadilla's Can't Swim and I was lied to. What other, uh, what, hey, Hank, quick question. What other mammals do you think can't swim?

You know, I don't, I don't know, but like I know that we don't just go around throwing, throwing animals into lakes. But, okay, well, we know. I will also tell you that like chimpanzees and orangutans can swim. I don't know about other, these other primates listed, but they can.

It turns out swimming is a thing, but like it is interesting that humans do have to learn to swim and I'm curious whether that is the case for these primates as well. Like maybe not all chimpanzees can swim. But I don't know the answer. Oh my God, I am watching a video of a chimpanzee swimming and it is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Oh my God. But there is a widespread myth that chimpanzees can't swim. There's a widespread myth also that camels can't swim, which would make sense because they're big giant things that live in the desert and they have these long legs that you would would imagine don't catch a lot of water but camels can also swim. This chimpanzee it doesn't just know how to swim it knows how to tread water so that it can just stand upright and be comfortable. This chimpanzee I don't know if chimpanzees are eligible for the Olympics but if they, I think that we've got a serious issue on our hands. We might have seen the last human swimming Olympian.

This is amazing. Oh, he's so happy. How many countries have he? Oh, he's so loves it. He loves it now. Are you watching one about Cooper? And he can even breeze underwater. He blows bubbles underwater.

It's so cool. He like it so much. He's like, I'm into pool. I got it in the pool. Yeah likes it so much. He's like, I'm into pool, I got to hang out in the pool. Yeah, no, okay, so the answer is, the answer is that all mammals can swim, period, except for humans. Except for humans, but we can learn how to swim.

And I think the reason we struggle with swimming naturally is I mean, I'm sure you have to teach chimpanzees a little bit, but I also suspect you have to, like Armadillo's have to teach other Armadillo's probably somehow, maybe not, I don't know. What do I, I'm so far outside my area of expertise right now? Can the only thing I know for sure

is that I know squirrels can swim because they can surf. Yep, I haven't found a video of a gorilla swimming. The one that I found clearly is fake, but everybody thinks it's real in the comments and wow. But apparently humans are just real bad at stuff. We have to learn this seemingly innate skill that all other mammals have. But I think to get to the point of how did we learn it, I mean, there's so much food in the ocean

and a lot of the earliest human, well, a lot of successful early human communities lived near the water, either near river or near an ocean. And at some point, like, waiting just becomes not that great. I would also argue though that like based on watching my kids like you do so you sort of learn to swim from learning but you mostly learn to swim from being in the water. You just do it and you're like I'm catching on here. Yeah, yeah you start out with the doggy paddling and then you just kind of go from there.

This question comes from Helen who asks dear Hank and, I just got a voicemail on my phone that was not addressed to me. The message seemed important and urgent even. My question to you is whether I should call back and tell them that I'm not the person they intended to call, Helen, of course you should. Helen. It's if it's urgent, at least at the text.

Two notes. One, how could you send us this email and not tell us what the freaking urgent news is? Seriously, yeah. Now I'm stressed out. Yeah. Yeah, how urgent was it? Was it like, was it like, I'm at the hospital?

My baby. Did Helen Weaver phone number? You know, Helen did not leave her phone number for us, John. She did not leave her phone number. Oh my God. You got to do it. You got to call it. You got to cut it. You gotta call it, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta at least have.

Obviously you have to call, but we have a problem now. Hank Helen had a problem, which is that she didn't know that she had to call to let the person know that they were leaving the voicemail on the wrong phone. But now you and I have a problem, which is that I don't know what the content

of that urgent news was, and until I do, I am going to worry that it was something horrible. Well, you know, I mean, it's almost certainly something like, uh, some business thing or, like, taxes or something. I like, which is to be clear, horrible. And if you don't- No, it could be something much worse than that.

It could be, I mean, it's almost as if one of us professionally thinks of circumstances for a living. Oh, dramatic circumstances. It's a... Oh, I mean, it could, Helen, I'm gonna need to follow up. Just, I need to know that everything turned out all right or I'm not, just, I'm not gonna be able to close the loop on that one and it's just gonna make me miserable.

So Helen, please, please reach back out to us. Tell me that you're a regular listener to the pod, not somebody who just dipped in because you needed advice. I can't imagine anybody comes here for actual advice though. Please, tell me if I worked out okay. But yes, if somebody leaves, I guess maybe you can text them.

I can see how somebody might do that as a way of trying to like get you to call back. And then maybe it's a fishing thing. So you gotta be careful about fishing, obviously in every situation these days. But yeah, if it seemed honest, I would worry about it. Yeah, well, I mean, this is probably, you can text it right back.

If it bounces back and it says it's a landline, just call and be like, hey, just so you know. Yeah, it's all part of how the world works. We have to fix it when little things like that go wrong. Okay, we've got a question from Maddie who writes, Dear Green Brothers, I'm 19 years old and I'm working at my first full-time job. The job is pretty boring and some days it feels like I don't actually do anything and I might be working for a fake company. That is a concern. It feels like I don't actually do anything and I might be working for a fake company

That is a concern if that if that question I mean I wouldn't say that's a concern I would say that it's a point of interest though However this quote unquote company gives me an hour for lunch and I have no idea what to do with it some days I have a car so I'll drive around a bit But that waste gas and kills future children. What could I do for an extra hour? Oh my God. Touch, uh, touch, touch not the cat without a glove, Maddie, which is good life advice. I don't know if there's anything else to that quote. Like I don't know if it's from Shakespeare or something. No, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's from, from her clan, from clan Chatton, which is the clan of the cats. It's the Scottish clan motto,

which means don't mess with us or we'll get you back harder, basically, is what he says in the PS here. Sweet, yeah. Sweet, do you? Yeah. I wanna have a clan motto. So, why don't we have a clan motto? No, because we're Irish, John. Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Yeah, terrible. No, no, you know, somewhere, our great-grandfathers are like standing up out at the grave, screaming at us for saying that we wanted to be Scottish. There was not a lot that our grandfather, green, cared about more than that we understood that we were Irish and not only Irish, but that we were a particular political persuasion of Irish that we don't need to get into at the moment. Hank, Maddie is working for a fake company that gives her an hour for lunch.

Is it a possible Maddie that you're just working for a company that doesn't, isn't doing a lot of business at the moment and that they're giving you an hour for lunch because that's what any normal employer would do. Yeah, an hour for lunch isn't super uncommon. It shouldn't be. Geez.

I mean, yeah, I've definitely not gotten an hour for lunch some, but I mean, I can't, I can't. What do you do for a normal hour? You have a phone, right? Like, is there a Wi-Fi? Because I think- Bring a book. Bring a book. Bring a book.

I guess, like, you know, John, when I worked at Walmart, I would like take books from Walmart and read them and then return them to the shelves. Yeah, no, that works. I mean, there's no reason you can't do that. So if you're in a place where there are books, just take existing books, read them and return them to the shelves.

Otherwise, go to your local public library, get a book and enjoy that hour of reading per day as kind of a relaxation, although it sounds like potentially your job itself is pretty relaxing since there don't seem to be any customers. Well, yeah, I mean, I think you should definitely listen to podcasts, but yeah, you don't have to like, you don't usually have to leave during your lunch break. Do they have, like, there should be a place where you can go during that time and sit around listening to podcasts. Oh, maybe they're like, uh, Maddie, we're going to need you to leave for an hour for your

lunch break. Right. Because we're out. And then Maddie has to be like, uh, okay. I'll see. And then she has to leave. And that's because they're packing up the drugs. No, they're wandering the money.

Right. They're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, they're a, They're they're they're really there was a store. There was a store in Lincoln Square in Chicago where I lived for many years. And we were all pretty sure that it was a front for something and we would always make a joke about it. We'd always be like, there's nobody ever in that place. It must be a front for something. And then one day the FBI came and it was a front for something. That's great. That happened happened in Mom and Dad's town too. It was like this hot dog place

and it turned out that they were having like heistics gambling in the back. Oh yeah, I remember that. No, this was a, this was a straight money laundering operation. It was straight laundering of drug money. Wow. And they were saying that they, you know, were a wildly popular business

and there was literally never anyone in there. And when you would go in there, the service you got was exceptionally weird and poor. So I don't know, Maddie, if you've been told to be super rude to customers, to try to keep them out, but if you have, that might be another red flag that you might be working for a front business.

Yeah, but well, I mean, you know, guess what's the thing to do if you are actually working for a front business? Are you just like, well, I'm not gonna rattle the cage here because I don't want to get in trouble with the law or also the potential Mafia that I'm working for. I think if you're working for a front business and you know, you're working for a front business You probably have a legal and ethical obligation not to turn them in necessarily, but to maybe submit your notice. Yeah, be like, I have, I got this great opportunity. Working for a podcast. Yeah, I just got this.

I just, yeah, by the way, if you need an excuse, just tell them that you're coming to work for us. Or, no, just say like, we're really waiting in it. Hey, Mafia boss, my podcast got really big, so I'm doing that full time now. And they'll be like, what is that? And they're like, it's an internet thing, don't worry about it. Yeah, and then they'll be like,

you need some protection for that podcast. And you'll be like, no, I don't think so. And then the next, we're not really sure that that's how it works. Your podcast is gonna be destroyed. And you'll be like, oh, God. It's gonna throw a window right through your podcast. Right through your podcast. Yeah, it's gonna throw a window right through your podcast. Wow, I just, I got a pay protection money from my podcast.

Wow, I just said, throw a window through your podcast, which is not really what I meant, but also bad. Like you don't want someone to throw a window through your window. That's worse than a brick. Very bad.

Much worse than a brick. That's double the glass. Yeah. So much broken glass, clean up if nothing else. Maybe it was a double-pained window that they threw through your window. We need a podcast mafia.

It's a great business idea, Hank. Like the number one thing that podcasts are missing right now is an organized crime syndicate that extracts value out of podcasts. That's good. I mean, if anybody can do, don't you think that it would be us? I mean, we don't have a strong criminal past,

but we do have a strong past of organizing creators around certain goals, and this would just be organizing creators around the goals of not getting your podcast destroyed by Hank and John Green. Well, John, this podcast, of course, is, in fact, brought to you by the podcast Mafia. The podcast Mafia already exists. We're just very secret about it

because we don't want anyone to know that that's how we make the majority of our money. I mean, if you're in the Mafia hank, you don't brag about being in the Mafia all the time. You just make jokes like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Today's podcast is also brought to you by our Irish grandfather our Irish grandfather Definitely in favor of the unification of Ireland

Today's podcast is also brought to you by the word y'all the word y'all It's the best plural you and lastly this podcast is brought to you by that big oh my gosh moment in the second Star Wars movie that big oh my gosh moment i'm sorry you're my what now all right john um do you want to do one more question before we move on to the news from Mars and aFC win with an hour half we gone long enough because we seem to have gone a way too long and we got to move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon are we gone long enough because we seem to have gone away too long. We got to move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, especially because it's the off season. So there's so much news. I feel yeah. It's always the off season for Mars.

There are seasons on Mars and they're all on. All right. All right, what is it? In a new paper, SpaceX founder, and you know it, basically, inventor of everything Elon Musk has made his argument for a self-sustaining city on Mars. So not just go into Mars, he wants to build a place that can make us a multi-planetary species because he's not busy enough trying to make every Tesla Supercharge Station solar powered

and also create a hyperloop system so that we can have pneumatic tubes that connect our cities together but also be a species that has a backup plan. Not that I think it's a good backup plan as I have said before. Read it already. Very bad backup plan. Read it if Earth goes kaput,

Mars will be a couple years behind. I don't, and less we're talking about like a 10,000 year backup plan. So, as a 10,000 year backup plan, we need a much more Earth-like planet, I would argue. Well, we, hopefully, in 10,000 years we could make Mars a more Earth-like planet, John. Maybe.

Maybe, I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen a lot of evidence for that. But then again, to be fair, 10,000 years ago, we were just starting to think about agriculture. So maybe I'm not being fair. So, that's very true. So, in his little paper here, Elon Musk, he says that he's looking for a 10-year time frame for sending the first colonists, he says that is feasible. John, what year is it right now? It's 2017. And how when is 10 years from now?

It's 2027. Hmm. I would be shaking in my boots if Elon Musk had ever made a deadline ever. Ha ha ha ha. That's it anyway. You know what Hank? I believe that humans will be on Mars in 2027 when my Tesla Model 3 costing $42,000 arrives

at my house in 2013. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Elon Musk says there is a huge amount of risk. It's going to cost a lot. There's a good chance we will not succeed, but we're going to do our best to try and make as much progress as possible. So he also doesn't think he's gonna do it. Yeah, I mean, I appreciate his honesty. The news from AFC Wimbledon is, as always, it's complex. Hank, you know, the biggest dream for most AFC Wimbledon supporters

aside from getting back into the football league is to be back in Wimbledon. Right now they play in Kingston at Kingsmeadow. They want to build their own stadium. They want to be back in Wimbledon at Plow Lane or across the street from the historic Plow Lane and there is a plan to do that and Everything is lined up there. The financing is lined up Everything has been agreed to the plans have been agreed to it's just now there is one more hurdle to jump over Which is that some people are saying that the Greyhound Stadium that will be demolished to make room for Plow Lane Which is a Greyhound racing stadium. And not, I have to say, just being perfectly honest, a particularly beautiful one, should

be listed as a historic place in England, which would make it impossible to ever do anything to it. You know, like how Westminster Abbey is a historic place. So you can't tear down Westminster Abbey and build something else on its place, which is a lovely idea. I don't feel the same way about Greyhound Stadiums myself. But that decision was delayed by the election. Before snap elections, no decisions can be made before, within six weeks before an election, so as not to use the political process to affect outcomes, which is a good rule, I think, but an annoying

one in this case. And the instability that resulted from the strangeness of the vote has left the whole affair a little bit up in the air. So we don't know quite where it stands and we don't know quite when it will be decided and we don't know quite what will be decided. That appears to be the last, actually last hurdle to Wimbledon's Plow Lane dream to being a team with a stadium in Wimbledon again and closing the loop on this very difficult chapter. This now 25 year long chapter in their history. So I'll keep you updated on that, but that's the current situation.

Thank you for keeping us updated. I'm sorry that you apparently did not get any new players in the last week. Oh yes, we did not. We did lose a couple new players, though. We lost, yeah, it's not great. Well, I mean, this is the nature of football in the third tier. Like Tom Elliott got a job playing in the second tier, which is incredible for him and who would blame him for taking it. And then another player who has been really, really good for us left for the Scottish league,

where he'll be in the top league in Scotland and get to play Celtic and Rangers. And that's a cool, I mean, that's an amazing opportunity. So you can't tell players like Tom Elliott or Sean Kelly not to move on when they have those opportunities. All you can hope is that if AFC Wimbledon is the kind of club that builds and nurtures players to make them good enough to make those jumps, that more players will want to come and play at Wimbledon because they'll recognize that it's the kind of club where you become a stronger player and can move up the leaks. Well, John, what did we learn today? a stronger player and can move up the leaks.

Well, John, what did we learn today? Well, we learned that Hank and I are running a protection racket in the podcast game. We learned that armadillos can swim and so can everything, apparently, everything can swim. Everything swims. We learned that bugs poop. They do, John. They're just a tube.

Stuff goes in one side and out the other. And of course, you learned that the Russians are coming for us. And we welcome them. We welcome them with open arms. Sure, fine. Yeah, come, yeah, you guys seem great. Same great.

No fishings there at all. And again, we want to say for the record because we do have a lot of Russian listeners, who sometimes take offense and with good reason, to the idea of the Russians as a monolith, which of course they are not. So let's just be specific. We learned that Putin is coming.

And we think that we are in great hands. Sure, yeah, just don't leave our emails alone. Thank you. Strong, capable, very strong hands. So strong. So strong. They're going to hold us so tight. So tight, we're going to be like, it's a little too tight.

Oh, the white knuckle grip on the reins of your horse of control. And on that note, thanks for listening to Dear Hange on a comedy podcast about mostly these days. Apparently, this podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. It's produced by Rosiana Hals-Rohas and Sheridan Gibson. Our social media manager is Victoria Bonzurno. Our music is by the great Gunnarola. If you want to email us your questions, you can do that at Hank and Jon at gmail.com.

We're also on Twitter, Hank Green, and Jon Green. That's us. We got our own names on Twitter because we're great. We were early. No, you weren't early. You did something to do that, didn't you, John? The important thing, actually, is that I'm not on Twitter. I haven't written one of my own tweets in almost six months.

Ha! Well, you can send a steering-hack a John question to there, though, and we'll find them. Um, and I think all I have to say now is as they say in our hometown. Don't forget to be awesome.