Dear Mr Knickerthief - A quick pat of the vagina - With Samantha Baines

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

Talk about over sharing! In this episode, we're joined by the hilarious stand up comedian Samantha Baines. Barry (also known as Harold because we forgot his alias once) is back and we join teenage Sophie as she writes about her first 'experience' with Barry. Jahannah tells us the most embarrassing story of her first experience and we give 'advice' to those in need.Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!

Just as a little disclosure, we had to record this episode on Zoom from home because of the lockdown. So apologies if there is any lagging or buffering or random technical difficulties in this episode. But enjoy nonetheless. You used to watch chat roulette as sleep. Like, what was your childhood? Like, I just used to watch like a nice film with my friends or we'd stay up talking and eat chocolate. Like, you're just watching men like wank. on chat roulette like that's disturbing

this podcast talks openly about mental health sex relationships and various other personal subjects that some people may find triggering now I know what you're thinking so I'm just going to explain a little bit why dear mr knicker thief so basically long story short when I was in year five I went to him with my class and a guy came in the changing room and stole everybody's knickers so I did what any responsible 10 year old girl would do and I wrote a letter addressed to said local pedo, printed it off and handed it out around my class. It contained some comedy gold, if I do say so myself. Poetic, almost. Yeah. Not only did Little Sophie write to the

local pedophile. She also wrote to herself every day in her diary and when we found it, we were like, this is hilarious. People have to hear this. Oh, here we are. Everyone and welcome to dear Mittinic Thief this week. Of course, you've got, well, you've got me and Johanna. You're always stuck with us. so yeah yeah hi man yep you jehanna james we get worse at these and really bad but the most important thing is we've got a sparkly new guest we've got comedian samantha baines in the house well in your house we're not in the same house hi i'm in my house and i'm looking into your houses and i'm taking note of the decor and i'm

impressed oh thank you jahanna's got a very funky wall that she's done in lockdown i've stuck it on. It's a stick on wall because I rent, so I just stuck it on. Just like the wallpaper it stick on rather than the whole wall. No, yeah. It's like lemon. But I don't think it's designed to go on a wall because when on a really hot day, it peels off again. I'm forever sticking it back on like a squirrel. Like redecorating over and over again. Groundhog day. But thank you. It does look very snazzy. Well, thank you so much for joining in us Samantha's also got her own podcast as well haven't you if you want to give that a quick

shout out you can go on tell us about it's slightly probably less fun than this one it's called the divorce club and i am a divorced lady and i discuss divorce with other divorced people um mainly because i just want to talk about my experiences and share oversharing is caring i love the best podcast talking of we're sharing. We've got a bit of a slightly different diary entry today. The ones for this particular series of recordings also have been in lockdown. They've ended up being quite like, what serious is it, Johanna? I've been quite deep. Deep. Well, yeah, in the sense, a bit sinister, I think, is the word, isn't it? So this is a nice, juicy teenage me. When are we going through some stuff? We are going back to. There's a few. There's a few

diary entries. It's a few small entries of a few time. So here we go. We're going back to the 25th of the second 2006. Now, you may remember, dear listeners, from season one, do we remember Harold? Was your boyfriend? Was my first boyfriend? He features a lot. He features a lot in this. This is the beginning of Harold, okay? Is that his real name? No. We omitted it. But we changed it, we changed it to Barry and it was Barry. Oh, Barry! And then in another episode, we forgot we called him Barry and we've called him Harold. So he's had many names.

We'll go back to Barry again. Go back to Barry. I was going to say, I can't imagine a 16-year-old boy called Harold. I mean, there must have been one throughout history, but it just doesn't seem right. It's like you don't really hear of baby Gary's or baby Keith's anymore, do you? No. And also Harold is just that old man from neighbours. who like lost his mind or something and then rondered off.

So that's what I'm imagining. Oh my gosh, major breakthrough. I need a name. I can't use names, can I? Think of a name, look of another name. Veronica, we'll call a Veronica, has apparently got a boyfriend. If this is true, then me and Barry don't have to be a secret anymore. Oh, wow.

I've just spoken to keep a secret from your friend about having a boyfriend. Because I think it was Veronica's ex, you see, and it's a big deal when you're 15, isn't it? I mean, it's a big deal now. Whoa. Girl code. Harsh. I mean, Veronica had also been with my ex by this point. So, you know, it was a little bit of a... Where did you grow up? Why were there other people? It was a mixed school in a very, very small town. Sophie was from up north

in a small town up north and there were only six people so he went out with each other apparently were any of them related you probably just as well I moved to London oh god I mean I think she went out with him when she was 13 like 12 or 13 so I mean like this was not a serious boyfriend like at the time for her she's had two years to get over it

I mean she should have been fine and she'd been with my ex-boyfriend at this point because I wouldn't hold hands on under the table. So I've just spoken to him on MSN. He's so cute. I've still got butterflies. I think we're in love. Don't!

Wow, on MSN. I met my first boyfriend on MSN. I had the dial-up modem. I used to talk to someone on MSN, and then the video feature came, and then he, like, tried to get sexy on video feature. But I didn't turn my video on because I wasn't an idiot. even when I was younger.

And so he was like trying to get sexy and I was like, how can I film this and shame him? But I didn't do that because I'm a nice person. But MSN was weird. MSN was weird. Oh, but you remember chat rooms? You just go on to a website and go into chat rooms

and just need to chat roulette. Yeah. Oh my God. If you were on a sleepover, we used to have loads of sleepovers and we'd just sit and skip through chat roulette and you get that the odd weird old man like having a little bit of a tug

and then you'd get onto the next one. It'd be like a load of other two. You'd just like, whey! And then you click on to the next one. You used to watch chat roulette as sleep. Like, what was your childhood? Like, I just used to watch, like, a nice film with my friends, or we'd stay up talking and eat chocolate.

Like, you're just watching men like, wank on chat roulette. Like, that's disturbing. Did your parents know? No, of course. Well, she does now. but chat roulette but it was just because it was hilarious and because we were all like prudes and like frightened little teenagers like we're just like ah the next one

that is so that's like watching like QVC for fun just being like wow shopping like what that's so random just watch like actual porn or just a nice film yeah the porn would be better I'll make sure I'll pass it on to my future You don't want chat roulette. You just want barn girls. Oh, and Barry's now seen a picture of me in a wedding dress, the one from Veronica's sleepover. When he told me I nearly died. How embarrassing.

I'm sorry. What? Why were you? Why are you? I can't even speak. You were watching chat roulette on sleepovers. You were dating your best friend's ex-boyfriend and you put on a wedding dress age 16. Where was this wedding dress from? Was it actual wedding dress? Why did you take a picture in it? What's going on? We used to all get together. It was like a group of us and we all kind of like had different boyfriends like it just was that thing like everybody. You all had the same boyfriend it sounds like. Yeah, yeah everybody had been with everybody's like boyfriend but nobody's like slept with each other. Yeah it was just like a handholding for three weeks and that was considered

somebody's ex like it wasn't like a serious boyfriend none of them. I don't know why there was a wedding dress was it though i can't remember but like we used to have dressing up boxes and stuff and we just like do plays and like mess about and feel we had a my friend um brogan who you know brogan don't you uh jana like a really dear friend childhood friend of mine she had this camcorder so for a while we were quite obsessed with this camcorder and making videos i wonder if she's still got them but um yeah so we had wedding dresses i i know we're laughing at this sophie but within the last two years, three years, we've hung out in wedding dresses. So it's a thing that you do apparently.

You make them, you know, you like all them. We bought a couple of like cheapy wedding dresses on eBay because we thought, oh, we could make some sketches in them. But we ended up just wearing them, just hanging out and wearing them. Like that episode of friends. Like that episode of friends. And we just like watched movies and ate popcorn and wore wedding dresses and felt beautiful. We're like, why can't we always wear wedding dresses?

They're beautiful. I actually put on my old wedding dress when I watched the royal wedding. So I sat in my living room in my wedding dress and watched the royal wedding. And I like live, Instagram live did or something. Have a photo of me in the wedding dress at 15. There is a photo. We can put that on the gram. Put that on the gram.

That's me in a wedding dress at 15. Wonderful. I don't know where the hell that child bride. There we are. Anyway, got to go. See you soon. I'm off to London for a QPR match. I'm going to try and get the manager of Wolves and Pauline's autograph.

See you. Good luck. And there we go. Oh, and then it says, oh yeah, we found out that Veronica's boyfriend was called Rusty. So she had a new boyfriend. So there we go. It wasn't Rusty. That was a nickname we gave somebody back in the day.

Probably still has that name. I don't know. So why are you writing goodbye to your diary? Do you imagine it that it's like a person and it's just like waiting for you to come back and write in it? I think so. I used to call it Tessa, which is really sad, isn't it? Dear Tessa. That's cute. Yeah, like I've got, because it goes back to like when I'm 10 years old. So it's like, oh no, this diary must be like nearly, it's nearly 20 years old now. And it's like, hi Tessa, Sophie here.

It's awful. Who else is it going to be? Oh, God. Some people write things for their like future children. So maybe you imagine Tessa was going to be your future child. Maybe. Maybe that's what it was. I mean, I would not let my future children read any of these diary entries. But here we go.

So the next diary entry is a month later. It's all the development. Okay. Well, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I guess that means about QPR. It was amazing, but I was on my period and I was wearing white shorts. Oh, God, yeah, I remember that. That was awful.

But at least that don't mean, oh, Sophie, at least that means I don't have to worry too much. I can fool around lots with Barry on Saturday with no worries. Wow. That's disgusting. Wait. And what's going on? Fool around. Where were you when you had your period with white shorts?

I was a QPR mascot. That's a football. For anyone who doesn't know what QPR is, because I wouldn't know. It's a football, right? Beans Park Rangers. Okay. And loftus sword. So you were at a football match in white shorts bleeding profusely.

Absolutely. Did it go on the white shorts? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry, because here it says I was asked out by a footballer. My grandma wet herself and then we met the manager and family and stayed in his suite. I'm sorry. Why were you in your grandma just expelling bloody fluids? Number two, how old is this footballer?

Yeah, because you were underage and bleeding. Well, I looked, I think, because I was like, yeah, I think it was 15 here for sure. So when I was 15, I had quite big boobs and like I looked older than what I probably was at 50. Yeah, he still should have asked how old was you were. Yeah, maybe. It's the law. Yeah, maybe. But anyway, nothing happened.

But yeah. But why did your grandma? wet herself. Yeah. It says here. She got really, really drunk and wandered into the manager's suite. Like, you know, like they have what they call the boxes for like the management. So she wandered into the manager suite with his family, drunk and then wet herself in there.

She's a legend. But when I'm a legend. The grandma. Anyway, I got all the autographs I needed and the ones I wanted and a program and a giraffe. What? Oh my God. Are you drunk when you wrote this? She's expelling a lot of blood, so maybe she's slightly anemic.

Slightly, slightly dizzy. Was the giraffe the QPR mascot or something? No. I think the QPR mascot was or is a black cat called Jude. So I don't know where the giraffe came from. So that's crazy. Makes no sense. The good news is you're going to be off your period soon so you can fool around with Barry.

Yeah, and do you know what fool around was, Johanna? Snog on. his sofa. That was it. That was all it was. Oh my god. I don't know. I've just had like a memory flashback. Talking about being on your period and being 15 and first boyfriends and everything. Oh my God. It might be TMI. But I had a really embarrassing moment. So the first time ever that a guy put his hand in my underwear, I bled on him. And I didn't realize that I had. and he'd given me a hug and I was wearing my school uniform, my school white shirt, and I had a handprint on the back of my school uniform.

And I went downstairs to get a snack and my mum was like, honey, there's something on, what's on the back of your? And I remember looking and being like, but because it was kind of browny blood, I was like, oh, it was chocolate. I got chocolate on my hand and I wiped it and I got a chocolate. And I just remember being like mortified, but she bought it. And I remember going upstairs and being like, oh my God, check everything. Can I just say your mom knew?

My mom. Absolutely. He wanted you to save face. And she was like, yeah, yeah, sure, chocolate. Okay, bye. Also, why was there a handprint? Did he have his whole hand up there? Why was his whole hand covered in blood?

And then why did he put his hand in your pants and then just pat you on the back? afterwards. Well done. Well done. That is it. Here we are. Wow. My first period, I got, I bled on my summer.

It was like a summer dress at school. And there was like a big patch on the back. And then I like went to the toilets and had to wash it out in the sink. And then I tied my jump around my waist over it. And you weren't allowed to do that at my school. You got to hold off. And so then a. male teacher tries to tell me off and I was like, I got my period and there's blood on my dress

and he just looked really pale and then backed away. And apparently I said to my friends, I like came into the classroom and sat down with my friends and I was like, I'm a woman now. And they took the piss out of me for saying that for the whole, like they still do now, for like the whole of our friendship. That's adorable. I know. It was a really big moment for me. but it also turned out to be really awkward. Oh, God. Well, talking about monthlies, we've moved on to another month

and there's a slight insert here. Okay. I'm so happy. I told Veronica on Monday then I was seeing Barry and she's absolutely fine with it. Oh, I think... Her?

Few. Thank God, yeah. She's moved on. Yeah, she's moved on. Yeah, she's got rusty. She's had thrice boyfriend. She's got rusty. Oh, God, I think I'm in love.

My friend is seeing her boyfriend tonight can't work to get details. I hope it snows. I've got work experience on Monday at the welfare state international. Okay, well, that's that. I love the random list at the end. Can't wait to hear what she gets up to and you're like, oh, is there a sexual vibe? I hope it snows. Okay, where did that come from? In her pants? Like, what are you talking about? And then I've got work experience. We went to my friend's birthday and she got rather drunk and so did her mum. Tomorrow it's my anniversary. I'll have been seen Barry for two months.

Oh, wow. And I couldn't be happier. I was having my doubts, but I had a little double date with him and that's made up my mind. We've been on two dates. In two months. Oh my God.

It was just an at-school relationship. We'll tell you about that when I see you. My friend got a gammy on her neck. Can't believe that. And then she took her relationship to a next level. What's a gammy? Oh, a gammy is a hickie, a love bite. It's a northern word for that.

Very normal. And when it's a next level, that probably means like a touch the boob. Anyway, today is mine. Today is mine and Barry's anniversary. Well, we met up and it's happened. It ain't anything amazing, but I guess it was all right.

And it's just got a picture of a hand. What happened? Did you slap him? So what was it? Full fingering or was it just hand in pants? That's it. Just a hand in the trousers. I remember when I was at school and then there was this rumor going around

that Johnny fingered Holly through her trousers. And obviously we have no idea what fingering is because you can't do that through trousers or you could be weird, a weird filtration system. But basically it was just that this guy called Johnny had like touched the crotch area over the top of Holly's trousers. I'm using real names, by the way, but they were... Candlest.

Big shout out to John and Holly. I love the excitement of like, oh. It's absolutely ridiculous. It wasn't great as well. It wasn't great. I mean, actually, it was nothing braille. Oh, special. It wasn't that great.

I wanted to call my friend, but I didn't get back till there, and I can't text there because I've got 5P, which she'll be the first. to know. Oh my God, I remember when text costs money. Love stuff. Get to count your text. I've got 50p left so I can do five texts.

And you had to like top up. Oh my God, the days. But alas, no one knew because I only had five P. So that's the end of that diary entry. There we go. And we've already started to unravel some beautiful stories of our own. But oh my God, like a pat of your vagina and I felt I had to write it in the diary. It's just two months. I was in love. I'd been on two dates.

It was pretty serious. Pretty serious. Okay. So this week was particularly busy with people writing in. And we've got some... Let's just get in there. I'm buzzing for this. And let me...

I'm excited. Here was some funny tweets. Right. So it was talking about, like, first dates and sort of first times. Okay. This is from postgrad Barty. He said, oh no, she said, I met a guy on Tinder

because, and because his dog look cute, I said, let's go for a walk around the dog park. He kept sending me snaps of his face close up with captions saying, how cute am I, scale of 1 to 10? Of course, I ignore those. And then he then proceeded to call me a stuck-up bitch and he threatened to kill me.

So that Tinder date went very, very south. but what I did find was funny about that is the fact that people I think this is a thing where you send like photos and go rate me how cute am I one to ten like

is it I know I think pick there a thing I think for the young people I don't know rid of this but imagine just sending you face like rate me one to ten and they're like three

what do you do what that's just like weird low self-esteem also he threatened to kill her that is illegal. Yeah. He could be, she could get him arrested. He should definitely be banned from Tinder.

That is not okay. And she's got pictures of his face. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You'd be like, rate me one to ten. Send it to the police officer and see what police think. This guy's threatening to kill me because I didn't rate his face. Yeah, well, do you know what?

I prefer to rate my face than I. a random dick pick, to be honest. Because working online, they fall in the DMs all the time. They're disgusting. Disgusting. For anyone listening, I don't get as many as you.

That's not how you get a shag. There's a man on Twitter who targets female comedians and asks them to, who's asked me, to give him a wedgy. He says, how much would you charge

to give me a wedgie? So I was like, I'd probably do it for like 10 grand. I was like, do you want to do it? And then he didn't really reply. But like, I would genuinely give someone a wedgy for, yeah, 10 grand. Yeah, I had a friend that somebody said, I'll pay you £500 if you roll donuts at me.

I'll roll donuts. But like they asked him to, he'd sit there naked and you have to roll donuts at him. I guess it's like some sort of humiliation. I don't really know. I would charge more than £500 for that. If he was naked. Do you have to purchase the donuts yourself? Or do they come?

Are they expenses as well? I have no idea. Yeah, they'd have to be expenses. Yeah, they'd be expenses. Like, I'll be invoicing you for those. I'll be adding to my own invoice. I wonder if he likes custard or jam. I once had a guy on Tinder, just really up front.

Like, I'd not, I'd say, I think I'd said, hello. How are you? And he replied with like a list of all the sexual things that he was really into. Oh God. Like breath play and edging and like he just had this whole list. He was like, these are the things I'm into just to be up front. Breath play.

Breath play. It's when you like, you know, strangle yourself or do something to stop your breath. I thought you meant like just breathing at each other. Yeah. No, that's just life, isn't it? That's what we do. Breathe in other people's vicinity. Well, that's good.

Because at least you know, you're, you know. Yeah, but is it because it's like, well, I'm not going to waste your time here. You're being up front, but like, I don't even know, like, what you do for a living yet, like, or anything about you. You haven't even said hello, but I know what you like in the bedroom. Imagine saying that on a speed date. Anything you say in a DM, you have to imagine saying to someone's face in a speed date. And if it's, if it'd be weird over a table, weird in a DM. That's a good tip.

That's a really good tip. You wouldn't just get your dick out on a speed dick, would you? Be arrested. Rate my face, one to ten. Just lay your penis on the table. Now, this is a weird one as well. So this girl said that a new guy at work was kind of cool. So I invited him to a house party with my close friends

because we all like to drink and play party games. So we thought we'd start off with strip poker. And it was going straight out the bat. Strip poker, wow. Absolutely. Why not? Go for it. This dude literally takes off his trousers first. Oh, God.

And then on the second round, takes off his underwear. Oh, God. Dick out. Has he sat there in his socks and t-shirt? Yes. Dick out first time, his shirt's still on. And everyone, and they're not really that drunk at this point because they've started early. And she said that it was the, he said it was the only way he played because he's not a pussy.

and all the friends were really confused and she was mortified that I brought this weird person to a party. And then she said, so anyway, we've been together for five years and got married in July. She married him. She married the naked man. Yeah.

Who got his dick out front of her friends when he just met them. Yeah. At least they had a fun story for the wedding. How did you mate? Well, I saw his penis the same time. All my friends saw his penis. There's a name for that.

What is it called? cold when you like being nude. An exhibitionist. That's the one. Or a nudist. He just like Winnie the Pooh. Maybe he was just a massive Winnie the Pooh fan and just like wear a t-shirts. T-shirts, just T-shirts.

You never see Winnie the Pooh's dick, though. Apparently Winnie the Pooh's a girl. I heard this. Yeah. Apparently Winnie the Pooh is a girl. It's a girl bear, which, yeah, which more you don't see his dick. I view Winnie the Pooh as non-binary. They are a bear.

They are a poo. They're happy. they are Winnie the Pooh. Although actually their voice is quite old man. That's exactly what I was just going to say. Like, hello, isn't it? But I've met some women that have old men voice as well. So they've smoked for like 50 a day for 60 years.

My old ballet teacher was one of them. You're right. Can you imagine if Winnie the Pooh was a sport like that? Because it smoked like 60 a day. You're right, piglet. Christopher Robin. And that's why they eat honey, because it helps the throat. So we've got a couple of problems that have been sent in.

I don't know if we can solve them. But we'll take a crack at it. Okay. So this one, this girl lady says, my boyfriend told me that before we got closest friends, him and his friends used to take the Mick out of my nose because it's big. I hate my nose and I used to be really insecure about it and I somewhat sort of got over it

but now he's made me feel really insecure about it and now I feel I don't want to be with him because he may never make me feel beautiful and every time he will compliment me I'm going to think it's a lie. I can't break up with him though because it's a stupid reason. How can I get over this and forget it and become secure?

Number one, you can break up with someone for any reason you want. That's your decision. You don't have to give them a reason. I don't want to break up with you. If you don't actually want to break up with them, I think you just talk to him about it and say,

I feel really insecure that you and your friends used to make fun of my nose. I don't like my nose. It makes me feel really ugly. And then if nothing else, you'll just get loads of compliments that of it. Yeah. And I think as well, like,

there's that pack mentality, isn't it? Like, if there's a lot of lads, like, obviously he's, he fancied her. So, like, if there's a lot of lads taking the Mickey and he doesn't want to be seen as a bit like, if there's a lot of lads and he doesn't want to be, like, they're taking a hand.

Yeah, it's, that's the, what's the word? Like, he's just peer pressure, isn't it, to say something. Obviously, he quite fancied this girl. So it's like, yeah, maybe he was just going along with it. Or maybe he just changed his opinion. And actually now he thinks it's really lovely because it's a part of her that he really likes

and it makes her who she is. I think, yeah, she needs to sit down and chat to him by the sounds of it. Boys tend to be not so sensitive about stuff like that. They all make fun of each other for their biggest insecurities, where girls always lift each other up for their biggest insecurities. Like, oh, I don't like my bum. And we're like, your bum is the best thing ever since Beyonce. But guys will be like, yeah, you have got a small head in it.

Like, yeah, they just say it as it is, didn't they? So he might not realize you just got to talk to them and go, yeah, you broke my heart when you told me that you and your mates made fun of my nose, like. Yeah. Apologize, bitch. It's obviously truthful. He told her. So he's obviously quite an honest person.

So I think it's worth a conversation. Did he need to tell her? Was that an important thing to share? No. Ignorance is bliss in that case, isn't it? When I read this, I remember one of my exes told me, like a mean comment that his friend said about me. And I was like, why did you tell me that? Yeah.

I don't need to know that. Oh, they were teasing me that you didn't have a bum. And I was like, why would you tell me that? Like, that's not going to help me in any way possible. And like, why didn't you have my back? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's why he's nice.

It doesn't sound very healthy that he's telling her horrible things either. Like, why is you doing that? So keep a keen eye on that one. Yeah. Keep an eye on that sadistic one. Right. Okay, so now we've got another one says, I dated a guy last year for a few months because we worked together. We broke up because he had to move to another city for work and live quite far from work.

But then he moved back and he started working back where I work. We've got along all year and we met up and we've had sex throughout the year and he calls me almost every week and we get along so well and everything's been going so good. Last week he told me that he'd met someone at a local pub and he'd got along with her and her family really well and he found her really fit. I told him how I felt about hearing that and told him that I had feelings for him, but he wouldn't tell me if he does or if he doesn't. I'm a bit confused and I don't know what to do. Was he trying to make me jealous? Because afterwards he called me and we were on the phone for eight hours talking about all the

things we normally talk about. I don't know what to do because he shows me his interest, his interest and always makes an effort, but bringing up that girl got me thinking and doubting things now. girl I think a bit of harsh I think a bit of harsh love here you know like the film he's not that into you yeah

if he wanted to be with you he would be with you and it sounds like he wants all the best bits like having sex with you which you obviously enjoys and talking to you because you're obviously great but none of the commitment and is disrespecting you by talking about other people So get rid of him and get someone who deserves you.

Get rid. You can't have his cake and eat it. Yeah. Stupid boy. And it's like when girls are like, I just can't, I just can't tell if he likes me. If you can't tell, then he doesn't. There's your answer. Because if somebody likes you, they'll make it clear as day.

People will jump over fences made a fire if they really want to be with you and fancy you. Like, you know, and if they're not doing that, if they're making you go, hmm, then then, no. It's hard though, because we've all been there where you like someone and you want them to like you back. But, yeah. You just have to accept it. Yeah. If you've got to try and force anything to happen, then it's not right. And if you've been on and off and you're just seeing each other and you're sleeping with each other and you call each other every week, like, and you're not in a relationship and you've already have been previously.

then it's just a convenience thing, I think, more than anything. And he's clearly seeing other people if he's going and seeing his girl at the pub. Yeah, and seeing and seeing family. So, and meeting her family and saying they got on really well. Like, he's clearly not into you at all, like you as a one hole or you and him as a couple. That's not on his radar. Yeah. Yeah.

Final one is says, hello. I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. met when I was 17. He is the most perfect boyfriend. He absolutely adores me and would do anything for me. However, in the whole three years we've been together, I've always had a good chemistry with my manager at work. I never saw it as anything more than a little crush as he's married. He admitted his feelings for me last week. And then the next day, he told me his wife was pregnant. So I broke ties with him and I told him I didn't want to speak to him again other than for work, obviously, a few days later he asked the meet up so we could talk i agreed and he kissed me um the guilt is

absolutely eating me up and i don't know what to do i love my boyfriend dearly and i would never want to hurt him but i can't ignore that there's something between me and the sort of man what should i do oh he's married he's he's bad because when you're married i have a podcast called the divorce club. So I know about it. When you're married, obviously you can have feelings for someone else. But if you're a, I want to say decent human being, but there are lots of decent human beings who've done stupid things. But he should break up with his wife if he has real feelings for you and wants to be with you. If he's having a baby with his wife and his wife thinks everything's fine and he's kissing you. That's very dishonest. I wouldn't trust him. Also, he's your manager and he's in a

position of power. And that's not a call that he's, you know, telling you he has feelings. And it's also inappropriate because you work together. If you love your boyfriend, then I would try and find another job. Yeah, I think I would. I know that sounds extreme, but like, then It depends how much you love your job But you know If you can easily try and find another one Then I would do it Yeah I think remove yourself from that situation

He has a wife He's got a child on the way And like you said he's in a position of power It makes it awkward It makes it difficult I think I think even I think when you've been in relationships For a while

Everybody gets that little crushes and things And you know I think it's just it's Just it's human you know But yeah acting on it and pursuing it at the expense of potentially ruining a lot of things around it just for what could be he just I just wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him I thought that what you said Samantha like not at all like he sounds like a bit of a knob

you're 20 and to be to take oh she's only 20 yeah she's she's 20 because she says she met her boyfriend when she was 17 and they've been to for three years so she's 20 so the fact that you would want to step in break up a family and a marriage when you're 20, like when you're 25, you could think real differently about this man. You are going to think really differently about this man. You will think really differently about this man. And also 18 to 20, you've been with somebody since you were 18 to 20.

Like, you know, that relationship might not last forever. You know, chances, if it does, great chances that it might not. Barry didn't, did he? Of course he didn't. Do you know what I mean? You've got to kiss to your frogs when you find your prince. Yeah, I think you don't want to go anywhere near him. And you might think you have feelings for him.

But also when you fancy someone, it's very different from the realities of being in a relationship with them as well. So that initial fancy doesn't really tell you what things would be like if it progressed. And he doesn't sound like a good. And the fact that he just sounds like chemistry that's a little bit like tempting. And that's probably about as far as it will go. Absolutely. Well, good luck with that anonymous lady. sack him off find a new job if you respect yourself

amazing um okay we're coming into land coming into land we've been up and it's been good this has been really fun thank you Samantha for coming on if people just love the sound of your voice and want to hear more of you where can they find you oh god not your address where can they find you online if people sort of love the sound of my voice then I love them back because that's lovely they can find me on Twitter and Instagram

at Samantha Baines B-A-I-N-E-S because people spell it wrong it's so weird I don't know why and I have a podcast called the Divorce Club which is all about being divorced but it's not all doom and gloom because I'm a comedian which I'm going to be on too

yes Johanna's on you just recorded one with Samantha a few days ago, didn't you? I'm excited to hear it. Yeah. You're going to be on series two. And it's not just for people who've been divorced. It's just people who are like curious or broken up with someone at some point. But yeah, thank you so much for joining us today. We've had a brilliant time. We've delved into many a vagina and we're now coming up for some air. So into our own vaginas. We've been dubbed into each other's vaginas into our own. That's going to be the name of the

podcast, delving into our vaginas. Yeah. Amazing. You can, yeah, we will. Go on. Oh, hello. Oh, we're just jumping in. Oh, hello.

Yeah, you can find us. Is that what we're going to say? Yeah. Yeah, you can find us at DMS Nickyth across the socials. Or you can find us individually at It's Over Craig at Johanna James. Slide on into the DMs. We want to hear your stories. So if you've got an embarrassing story, a problem or just want to say hi,

then, yeah, DM us on Twitter and Instagram. And you can hear this podcast on all the places now. It's everywhere. It's spread. It's contagious. But you know, all over the gap. It's on Apple.

It's on castaway. Oh, we're so good at this. We're shit. Okay. All right. That's enough. Clickbaiting. I felt like you were on a roll with it.

I just left you to it. I fell over. You were on it. You knew what you were doing. That's all right. And then I got involved and ruined the whole thing. You two are hilarious. hilarious.

Imagine us emceeing an event. And now we're going to... Oh, no we're not. We're just going to... Hello. Yeah. Hi! Basically, drop us up the message,

slide in the DMs, and you can find us all over the gap. Anyway, you can get a podcast with it. All right. This podcast is part of Podomity. The UK's podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit pedumity.com.