Dear Mr Knickerthief - Getting spat on in a very sticky situation - With Luke Kempner

Episode Date: February 21, 2021

For the final episode of Dear Mr. Knickerthief season three, Sophie Craig and Jahannah James are joined by comedian and impressionist Luke Kempner, as Sophie see's red after being framed by her class mate and gets spat on in the cloakroom by a frothy TA. We talk lies, telling tales and share some TMI stories, including wetting yourself as an adult. Standard. Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!

It is a thing, if you're going through like a stressful time, adult bedwetting can happen. Oh, my goodness. Or if you're absolutely bladdered in my case. Or if you're bladdered, yeah. So for you have the excuse you were drunk. I was just upset. But apparently, if you had a lovely shell to pee in.

Well, I thought it was. I was actually just pissing myself. And then, and then, well, I only saying this. This podcast is so like TMI, isn't it? It's great. It's so TMI. This podcast talks openly about mental health, sex, relationships and various other personal subjects that some people may find triggering. Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'm just going to explain a little bit.

Why dear Mr Nicker Thief? So basically, long story short, when I was in year five, I went to him with my class and a guy came in the changing room and stole everybody's knickers. So I did what any responsible 10-year-old girl would do. And I wrote a letter, address to said local pedo, printed it off and handed it out. and handed it out around my class. It contained some comedy gold, if I do say so myself. Poetic, almost. Yeah.

Not only did Little Sophie write to the local paedophile. She also wrote to herself every day in her diary, and when we found it, we were like, this is hilarious. People have to hear this. So here we are. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Dear Mr. Nicker Thief. Of course, you've got me here, Sophie. And me, Johanna James.

Uh-huh. And then with us today, we've got... lovely special guest, Mr. Luke Kempner, who is an actor, comedian, impressionist, legend, self-titled legend, and also a part-time cricketer. And that was how he asked me to introduce him. So, hello, Luke. Yeah, I'm good. I'm really good.

I had to tell you that I was, you know, an actor, a comedian. You knew about the part-time cricketer thing. Yes. But, you know, I reminded you, I'm actually a comedian, yeah. But, no, it's great to be here, guys. Lovely, lovely to chat to you from my, from my lockdown. house. Yeah. Jay, we didn't think we'd be doing another lockdown. I know. We did second season in lockdown and we were like, oh, how funny and ironic this is. And, you know, it's going to be

such old news. No, this is now. This is life. Yeah. So, yeah. In another lockdown here in the UK. Things could be worse. Yeah. You know, I'm feeling pretty positive. Because I don't know about you guys, I know we're going to get on to the diary stuff, but I don't know about you guys, but with the lockdown, you know, the first one, I'm going to say, I was a little bit excited by it. I got, it was all like quite novelty and a bit like, oh, this is. Yeah. It was like being in a movie, isn't it? Like, oh, the nation is locked. Yeah. The army's coming. We've got to do our bit by not going out. But like, but then, like, when the next sort of lot hit in, you know, middle of December, it was a bit like, oh, what, you've ruined Christmas.

And then it was like, oh, what, we're locked down till April. And then I was like, and I was like, well, this is life now, you know, so I've decided, I thought I do dry January and I can at least be smug to some, do you know what? Being smug on this podcast has made it worth it. So yeah, I've actually done dry January guys. So I don't know you. You take that moment. You take that moment. You know when Christmas comes, Christmas holidays and you go stuff it's Christmas. I can have that cheese or like stuff it. That's the attitude I have towards food with the lockdown. It feels like Christmas. Exactly that. And I'm just like, oh, you know what I deserve? Because I've been really stressed here at home doing nothing. So I'm going to just eat and watch things and have a bath.

And it's great. I mean, my self-care is on level 10. It's great. But also, I'm just eating like it's Christmas. Oh, John, you couldn't be more right. That is exactly how I felt with the lockdown. I was like, it's that week. It's that Christmas week between Christmas and the year where you're allowed to be like.

You don't know what day it is. No, we're groundhog daying. it literally. I can't remember the last time I wore jeans. So I probably have got a little bit like rolier, but I wouldn't really know because I don't wear myself and I just wear really, really stretchy trousers every day. I pop jeans on today for this podcast, actually. I just felt a little bit more like, you know, I feel a bit more alive with a pair of jeans on. So I popped from jeans. Oh, go on. Right January Annie's wearing jeans. We can't offer like you, Luke. Don't I mean, come down. No, I know. I have put a lot of effort in here. You've elevated to like, human

status. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm really excited to go back in time in the verbal time machine that is this podcast. Sophie, where are we going today? Okay, so we are going, where are we? Oh, yes, that was it. We're going back to year six. Twenty years ago. Twenty years ago. Oh, yes. It's been 84 years. So I call my diary Tessa, by the way, when I was younger, Luke. So I don't think it's weird. There are some weird things that will happen throughout.

Dear Tessa. Dio Tessa is exactly how it starts. Dear Tessa. Today has not been good. And I hate Mrs. Strattonbrook. Oh, God. She is. Strattenbrook.

Mm-hmm. Mrs. Strattonbrook. That's a mouthful for a. little girl to say. I don't know if she's... I'll use the F word on your podcast. You can. Absolutely. Fucking great.

What's she called? Mrs. Stuff and Puff. What's her name? Strattonbrook. Oh no. Mrs. Strattenbrook. A bit. A little bit.

Okay. Okay. So this is how it starts. Today has not been good and I hate Mrs. Strattonbrook. She called me a liar and a telltale and told me off in the cloakroom.

then she gave me a red card and I had done nothing wrong at all why is she so horrible a red card is she a referee yeah we had we had red and yellow cards at primary school did you guys not absolutely not no what so like if you got two I didn't go to school on a football pitch if you got two yellow cards you've got detention and then so yeah you got a yellow card yellow card

and if you got two then it would be a red card and that would be detention I guess yeah I know how the yellow and red card work I'm more questioning why they're using football analogies in the schoolroom. Do you get like offside rule and stuff? Yeah, exactly. Do you get dropped for the next match? I did not. That's the first time.

I've just clocked that that was what it was based on. Maybe football rules were based on Mrs. Strattonbook's rules. Well, so Mrs. Bethel was the teacher, and Mrs. Strattonbook was the teacher. but Mrs. Strangbrook was the one that dealt with this issue. Oh, right. But we had, I tell you what we had, we had time out, which not the lovely chocolate bar, but it was, it was like if you'd been naughty, you'd get sent to time out and you'd get a

we had that as well. Bent home. So you're going to have to sit in time out, usually with Mr. Bibby who did R.E. And, and yeah, that was bad if you got sent to time out. And I got sent there quite a lot for doing impressions. of the teachers, but it turns out that that was what my career was going to end up being. Who's laughing now? Yeah, Mrs. Strattonpuff.

Kiss my ass. You wouldn't be allowed to do this anymore, I'm pretty sure. But does anyone remember who's listening? That when we went to time out, if you did something naughty, you have to go and stand facing a wall in the playground. And your nose was up against the brick. And if you moved your head, it was like, no, another detention. And so we'd be there just like, and then it's other.

the children would come and talk to you and you'd be like, don't talk to me. You're just going to get us both in trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, I remember, this is quite bad. I remember when I was at school, I, um, some kids were being horrible to me, right? They were just calling me like a legend and a comedian and that and I was getting up really annoyed. And I was in, like, a little porter cabin. You know, we used to have like classrooms that were basically porter cabins. Oh my God, yes, whenever they were doing building work. Yeah, the temperate ones that were there. Yes, exactly. The temporary freezing cold classrooms at the port-a cabins. cabin and they had big glass pain that like sort of spread the whole of the the port

cabin and I remember like there was the boys were outside they were they were shouting horrible things right and then I smashed the glass from inside the porter cabin and it smashed all over them right it was horrible one of them still got a scar in his eye um but um hope you're well then uh I'm over here Ben but then they but so they were so annoyed even though I was being the one that was bullied I just like to say I didn't mean to smash the glass over but for my punishment they stopped me, I wasn't allowed any break time so I had to stand outside the head teacher's office

for a entire term, right, facing the wall, but they also stopped me from doing PE. So basically I wasn't allowed to be fit or a, it was like dry January, but like, so it was just stuck out, yeah, I never understood that. It was like, right, we're going to stop you from doing exercise.

Yeah, like, I was, maybe I was too strong. I mean, getting out of PE though for me, that would that wouldn't have that would been a privilege not really oh I loved Pee I didn't like it not in the winter no yeah I send you down the hockey field with like little like ankle socks on yeah and everyone had had blue legs yeah we used to have in secondary school it'd be like right we're going to do hockey on the astro turf it'd be absolutely paring it down it was I lived up north it was like Baltic all throughout the east yeah that's where I'm from originally I'm joking can you tell

I've got such a positive. I lived up north. Did you know? So hard to tell. And B, it was an astroturf. It was just gravel. But we called it the astro turf. So we'd have to go there on a load of wet gravel that like everyone just used to fall in.

Oh, and there's nothing more painful than a little... A wet gravel in your knees. Oh, that's scared across the gravel, your knees. And then the little bottom of your hands where you put your hands. Oh, yeah. The little groove of your hand would always have... Get stuck in that. Oh, God.

Horrible stuff. Reminising, isn't it fun? Stratton, Bougan. Yes. Yeah. What's her name? Mrs. Strudel. Stratton.

And so it says, Why is she so horrible? I'm going to use the names of the girls in this because it's all brilliant and hilarious and fun and they're all from school. So me and Louise are the whiteboard and glue monitors. We have to go in early before everyone to set them up for each table. See, I knew this.

And I don't know why I'm explaining it to my diary, but here we are. Steph also has a job for the mornings, but today she asked me if she could pour the glue into the pots for the tables and you have to get the mix right so that the amount of PVA is correct.

Of course. I have too much PVA. I took my job very seriously. When you say whiteboard, what do you have to do with that? I'll just clean the whiteboards. Clean the whiteboards and put, like, they will let the little whiteboards

that you write on. Oh, interactive whiteboards? No, no, no. God, more. Like the little cardboard ones with a bit of whiteboard on. Oh, right. Oh, I see. High school whiteboard. Yeah, so we all had like eight in the middle of each table. So we'd set out the pens, the whiteboards, and then a glue pops to every table. Were you paid for this? Some teacher is literally just loaning out her job to the children.

Yeah, that was our, we were the whiteboard and glue monitors, Johanna. We took it very seriously. I love that. I mean, you clearly did. You wrote about it. Today, selfie, you're going to teach the class. You're the monitor. You're the monitor. You're the monitor. In fact, you're going to teach your week. That's your job. Well, don't you do it very well while she goes off to Hollolulu for a week.

Good idea. I said yes and or wow, I should not have said yes. What did she do with the glue? Oh, God. She spilled it everywhere. And then she thought it would be funny. This is absolutely hilarious to be fair, looking back now. But at the time, I was mortified.

She thought it would be funny. to stick down everything to the table that was in the art corner. That's really funny actually. I love that. There's like a big art corner in the classroom and she stuck everything down to the table in the art corner.

That was your job. That's going to be on your head. That's your reputation. I didn't know she had done this. Otherwise, I would have cleaned it up at once. Of course you would have. Oh my God, you're just so good. It's annoying.

I want to just punch your little face. Yeah. Yeah, but you're going to slag her off into Tessa, though, wouldn't you? You don't, you know, you're not that good. Anyways, after break time, Mrs. Strattenbrook got angry and shouted at me. I told her I hadn't done anything wrong, and Steph had helped with the glue. So she went and asked Steph, and Steph lied and said she hadn't done it. Oh.

It's a Mexican standoff. Who done it? So who's the telltale? Louise, actually. Louise, Louise was just an innocent bystander and all of this. Bless her heart. Oh, no, she wasn't. Oh, who stuck the story?

stuff to the table. Steph. Oh, sorry. I thought Louise did that. Like, Louise ain't involved. Sorry, Louise. Louise was my partner. Yeah.

Right, okay. So, Steph. Is Steph still a friend? Yeah. Step's a legend. I'm not surprised. Some of my best... Some of my best memories involved, that girl.

So, Mrs. Strattenbrook shouted at me really loudly in the cloak room so much that she had to get a tissue to wipe her mouth. Wow. That was a great deed. Gosh. She starts frothing at the mouth. She's so livid. Oh, you don't.

Take all the stuff down. Amazing. Come get me a tissue. Brilliant. I told her I didn't do anything, and it must have been Steph. But then she called me a liar and then gave me, wait for it. A smack. A red card.

Oh, she sent you off. She sent you to the stands. She sent me to the stands. David Beckhamed you Then she said to me You shouldn't tell tales Oh my gosh Was Mrs Strattonbergenfen

Was she actually Was she actually a little bit Was she Mrs. Umbridge? Yes Do you know what? No she really surprised me Because she like Obviously now I know

She's a lovely lovely woman But this particular day I was She just didn't believe me And I was so upset I was So, so upset. So, yeah, she gave me a red card and then she said, I shouldn't tell tales.

Then did she give you a pen and it make you write it in your hand in blood and you must not tell lies? Is that what she did next? Well, that's what she should have done next to make sure you don't lie again? I think the red card was worse. Oh. The red card. Well, Sophie, just to say, in my primary school, my first primary school, we still got smacked. Did you?

Yes, because I went to, it was like a little prime. privatized Christian school. So because it wasn't state. Evangelical? Yeah, they could still have smack laws. So I... Why? Yeah, we'd get smacked by the teacher.

Or you'd put your hand out and they'd smack it with a ruler. Oh, my God. If you were... As a little Victorian child. Basically, I went to school in 1890. And if you were really, really bad... And we got no gruel. If we were really bad to behave, there was no gruel.

you'd help you get sent to the headmaster's office and he was just really scary old man with a big beard and he would smack there was a leather slipper yeah I never got that personally and then on his mantle piece he had a wooden clog that I think was just there for like fear factor levels but yes and on his other shelf he had a machete I mean and then you know

em 16 rifle yeah and I didn't think that was weird until later then I went to a state school from like year three onwards and I was like, what, their teachers can't hate you? And they're like, no. Like, oh. Well, I think it was sort of in the, in the very early 90s that they changed those rules. Yeah.

Because I must have been in the last few years of being smacked by it. Because we could, you could still, we had a teacher called Mrs. Ballard that would chuck her, you know, the weird chalk, weird, the chalk boards and whatever you call them, the chalk rubber. Like she would, she'd chuck that at you. Yes. Like, she'd got hit. Yeah. I had a teacher that used to pick us up by the ear and put us outside in the corridor.

These days you can't do any of that. Yeah, it's crazy. What a horrible thing to say to somebody who is telling the truth. This is the fourth time Steph has got me into trouble. A fourth time? This is worse than the time in year two sats. I'm being told off in year five by Mrs. Storway for looking at my report before my mum. And then, of course, that letter,

which I'm referring to there, guys, is the Nicot thief letter. Sofi got really in trouble for writing that letter. I thought that letter was a very important piece of journalism, I thought. Yeah, police investigation. It was very funny. It was me and my friend wrote it was brilliant. And I've signed off here, guys. Enough is enough.

Take care. Sophie. That's a bit ominous. What do you mean? I don't know. You're coming back? I got over it because there were, there is, there's, no other entries after it

and you still but yeah that's that was a day in the life of of being a well a glue and whiteboard monitor shall we see. Did you keep the job? I did.

Even after that. Oh okay so she did I think I did I can't really remember I assume I would have done but I don't know I think if I was a teacher and I found out that I'd

punished a kid for not for doing something that they'd not like for something they hadn't done I'd feel well bad I'm still waiting for my apology. I mean, you think like how much shit they have to deal with all day with horrible, annoying kids. And it's like they've got something wrong. I mean, if they go, I am so sorry.

I didn't realize it was Steph. You're complete within your right to be annoyed. And I shouldn't have called you a telltale. And please don't write to Tessa about me. Or do they just go, oh, I've got marking. I've got lesson planning to do. I've got Steph shat on the wall. Like, well, I've got stuff to deal with.

Oh my God, there was always a kid, wasn't there, in primary school, that wiped their poo on the walls? Just me? No. Okay? No. Fair enough. Did they get a brown card?

Moving. Moving swiftly on. No, I don't think I ever saw any poo on the wall. Okay. It was always in the boys' toilets. We never saw it in ours. We had a lot of kids wet themselves. There was a lot of wet-yourself kids.

Yeah. I remember once, like, this kid called Christoph, I'm sure he's very happy now. Not constantly pissing himself. but I remember him pissing himself in EastEnders. It's EastEnders. Sorry? I don't know what I said EastEnders then.

That was so strange. He pissed himself during assembly. And then, and I remember him putting his hand up, and Mr. Lee was the name of our headmaster. And he went, Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, and then, like, obviously it was too late. And he just pissed him. And like everyone sort of was like stepping back,

like it was a scene out of that film volcano know where the lava's coming towards you. We're like, oh, God! And everyone's, like, jumping on the benches to get away from poor old crystal. Oh, kids are the worst, aren't they? And then it was called Piss Stuff. Oh.

Out of interest. When was the last time you pissed yourself? It was 21. Yeah. You know, specifically. Yeah. I was really, really drunk. And I wet the bed.

So there we go. That's my... I was 26. Yeah. How old are you now? 31. Okay. So it's a little, okay. Tell me. I had a dream that I was in this beautiful, like, glass bathroom with beautiful seashells and everything.

And I remember wanting to go to the toilet, but I didn't think the toilet was working. So I sat in the sink, this beautiful seashell sink, and I weed in the sink. and then I woke up and was aware that I was actually weeing and I wasn't in class far from anymore and I got out of bed and I was like oh my God I was in shock and I think I was still half asleep so I did the autopilot thing when you were a kid and I just took off my sheets and my duvet

and I changed my clothes and I went back to sleep and I woke up in the morning like that was a very weird double dream and then I saw the pile on the floor and apparently it is a thing if you're going through like a stressful time adult bedwetting can happen or if you're absolutely bladdered in my case or if you're bladdered yeah but so for you have the excuse

you were drunk I was just upset but apparently well if you had a lovely shell to pee in well I thought it was I was actually just pissing myself and then and then well I'm only saying this podcast is so like TMI isn't it is great it's so TMI but then I remember I asked my mum I was like mum

When did you ever like weight yourself as an adult? She was like, oh yes, in my 20s, just the once. And I was like, oh, me too. And she was like, I think it's just a thing in our family. So there we are. You go. Wow, I'm glad you could share it with that. I mean, I have to say, like, I'm.

Like mother like daughter. I haven't pissed myself for, I don't remember. Like, I feel like I've got a very, I feel like I've got a good control of my bladder. A good bladder control. Yeah. I've been at that point, you know, where you're like in pain, you need to piss so much. Yes. Yes.

But I have a long long bar journey or something like. But I have a good. But I haven't, no, I haven't missed myself. You have got a little bladder, haven't you, Johanna? I do. I've got a teeny bladder. She has got a little bladder. Mine's made of iron, apart from if it's filled with a litre of peach snaps.

Yeah, I see. Yeah. I used to have, I used to have it to hold it. But a lot apart from then. But as I've got older as well, and I've had a lot of damage from UTIs over the year. Oh, my God. What are you going to be like when you've had a baby? Oh, my God.

I mean, I have about 20 minutes after I have a drink now, but I need to be near a toilet. That's how fluid it is. And this podcast is sponsored by Tenor Lady. I wish I'll need it. Yeah. Jay, we'll come to the part of the podcast where you've had some beautiful Yes.

Right in. So take it away. What have you got for us today? Right. So we did a shout out. We asked people, I asked people a bit of a very, I was like, what's the naughtiest thing you've done? What the worst white lie you've told?

Or has anyone else, have you ever got in trouble for something else? So we've had a little, like a bit, a while, a while, what I'm trying to say? We've had a wide, varied, we've just had a lot of answers. There we are. Varyed response. That's what I'm trying to say, Susan. Thank you. Okay.

So someone said they, the worst thing they ever did was they zing. zipped their younger brother up in a suitcase, only for the zip to get stuck. And the parents had to cut him out of the suitcase. So he got in trouble for nearly killing his brother and destroying a valued piece of property. Vaggages of property. Someone here, this is Jack Dexter. He said the naughtiest thing he's ever done. That's a real name.

It's a very, very nice name if it is real. He ran through a field of wheat. I think Jack Dexter might actually be... Is that not the Theresa May reference? That's Theresa May, isn't it? Right! I think that's Theresa May under a synonym or something, but... A synonym, yeah, alias.

A pseudonym, synonym, whatever they are. A synonym. It's Theresa's name under her different word for her name. It's Theresa May under a cinnamon bun. Okay, I'm so lost. Right. we've got here. I used to do drawing when I was younger at my auntie's house

and I accidentally drawed on her favourite couch pillow. So I hid the pen, Mark, and I waited for my cousin to be sat right there and then she got the blame for it, so I didn't get in trouble. Went down by the ship, that one. I remember actually, I was really bad at, like, fibbing.

Like, I remember smashing, like, a vase or something that was in my mum's cabinet. And I remember it being, like, it was her wedding one. And I tried, like, I tried to put it back and hide, like, the bit that it smashed and stuff. And I had to tell her. Like, I also remember, like, I would, I drew. So you didn't fit, but you just told the truth.

Yeah, I physically struggle, like, the guilt. Sophie cannot lie. It's just the guilt eating me. Yeah, and I remember at primary school, we'd been given chalk to draw on the playground. And I'd drawn an extra circle than I should have done. And I, yeah, and I went home. I was mortified and I was praying for it to rain so that it would wash off. Like I was like, please, please, please.

Yeah, and I'd check it the next day. A little child. It was awful. But the one time I did line, I don't know, it's been true, is we were on holiday in Spain. And me and Catherine, my little sister was sharing a bed. And she, like, proper sticks a bum out when she sleeps. And I woke up and it was like, not woke up, but it was half asleep. And her bum had been like, and she kicks me and then she sticks a bum out.

And I woke up and her like, but was in my face. And because I was half asleep and it was really annoying me, I just bit it to make a move. But I bit it like so hard that it looked like it was like bruised. And she woke up screaming, obviously. I kind of woke up and was like, oh, oh, God, I did that. And then I let everybody think it was a bite from an insect. Oh, really? Yeah, sorry, Catherine, if you're listening to this day.

It was me. It was me. Wow. A human-sized teeth. It was only like a little nip. It was a little nip. But yeah, no, I, the guilt. Come to think of it.

Like, I actually did, I used to lie quite a lot, but more just for a bit of drama, really, in my life. Oh, yeah. I remember, like, once, like, my mum is a horse riding instructor, right? So it makes us sound really posh, but it's not. She just went to the posh people's houses and taught them out to ride their horses. They could put them. But anyway, I remember, like, I used to have to go along as a kid. So I just sort of be wandering around the yard, like, chaps.

like chatting to horses. And I have this new jacket, a brand new jacket, I think that my mum had got me from like Tesco's or something. And I got a pair of scissors and cut a little hole in the jacket and said, oh yeah, the horse bit it and ripped it.

Yeah, isn't it weird? Why do we do that as kids? I just thought the story would be great. Yeah, isn't it weird? I loved an example. I liked the idea of it. Yeah. But it never happened.

I did that. I took stuff too far. I'd be so bored at school that I just want some kind of drama and invention. I remember I lied about being late to class because I said, and this is really bad looking back at it, I said that I couldn't, I was late for class because there was a girl on the roof and she was about to jump and I had to talk her down. Oh my God. That like, obviously nobody believe me. I don't know why I thought I could get.

I was like, yeah, like, no. Where have you got that? You've obviously seen it in a film. I've seen it in a movie and it's really cool. It was like a cool thing. Yeah, I talked her down, man. Yeah, we had. She was looking at the light.

I talked you down. Why I'm late. I love it. I don't lie, but it's something that I've done my entire life. And also my husband does and my entire family do is we'll exaggerate a bit. Yeah. So it's like if there's a room of like, say, I'm a bit of an exaggerate.

but like I only add a little bit, which is so strange. It would be like if there was four people in the rumbo, I was like that's like six people. Yeah, you're not okay, no, yeah, that's it. More like that. Yeah, more like a little bit. There's like eight people there are like, there's a million people.

With me, there was absolutely no one on the roof. I exaggerated. Well, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's a lie. That's just a lie. Where if like Sophie and I had had talked someone down off the roof, we'd have two people down off the roof. I did also, I did another little lie.

You know, the sort of similar one to your, brother but no you was it your cousin and who no it was the person who'd written in saying they'd put the wait until the cousin was next to the drawing on the pillow yeah and i i remember doing that where i used to like christmas cake right i don't like christmas cake but i love the icing i love the icing love the marzip yes please the fruit cake bit so i remember like getting the getting the icing off the christmas cake and eating the icing but i knew i was going to get to hold off for just eating the icing because obviously most people like both. Right? So what I did was I'd eaten all the icing and then I got the Christmas cake and just

put it in the dog's basket and we had a big dog, big Alsatian dog and the dog got told off for eating the Christmas cake and I had. That's a stroke of genius to be fair. Yeah. Sorry about that. I think the definitely one that I use now is when I say no worries if not because I definitely don't mean that. Oh, yeah. No worries if not.

And it's like, no worries if not. Would be a bit pissed off. You did that with me. You did. You did it. Love you do the podcast. No worries if not.

Like there is worries if not. If not. Like also, I'm in lockdown. What am I doing? I'm really busy actually. What are you doing? Ah, just stuff.

Nah, around the house. No worries. If not. There were worries. There were. We were like, well, we wouldn't have had anyone

on the show, Luke. So there was a lot of worries. If not. Exactly. I'm not on a t-shirt. No worries if not. Yeah.

Yeah. Very worried. Yeah. Oh, and this one, I think this is my favorite one. This said, in school, I pushed someone off the slide, and they started crying, and they told the teacher, and I hated getting in trouble. So I said that there was a rat that she tripped over, and it was completely unbelievable. Everyone started screaming, thinking the school was infested, and then I lied again, and they said,

it's not infested with rats. He was my pet. and then everyone wanted to pet it but I said no it likes dark spaces and it bites because I was lying about my imaginary rat That's absolutely brilliant So that's the situation where you're lying over lying

over lying and it's just getting worse and worse and worse Just getting more and more carried away with it Imagine a teacher coming up here You've got a kid that's clearly fallen off a slide And you're like, well it wasn't me, it was a rat Well apparently as well that that is a clear sign of lying It is over at elaboration Yes

It was a rat and it was a brown and it was a rat and it was called Terry and it was listening. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. The truth is often less facts. I bet the teacher are just like, bullshit. Who told the first ever lie?

That's what I mean. God, I reckon. I built it in six days and they went, bollocks. Yeah, who's the first lie? And what was the first lie that we all told as young people? Like, I can't remember specifically,

but there would have been a time when our little brains would have known what was real and known what wasn't and we would have chosen the dark path. Yes. Like in Star Wars. There's dark in all of us. Yes. And thus concludes.

Today's podcast. What a lovely. I was feeling really good at the beginning of this. I'm very depressed. Yeah, I know. Bad human. Wow. This has been brilliant.

Luke, you've been fantastic. Thank you. Thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure. Where can people find you? Oh, you can find. me, what do you want me to give up my home address? Absolutely. No, not that.

Oh. All right. You can find me. I'm on Twitter. I'm on Instagram. And you can watch me on Steph's packed lunch on Channel 4 twice a week. Tuesdays and Wednesdays and some other days. Follow me on Twitch.

Steff's packed lunch? Steps packed lunch, Channel 4. So glue girls glue it down in the corner. Is Gloomy girl got a TV show? Oh my God! And thus, we've come in a fourth circle. Yeah. My God.

Desclued lunch. So, yeah, so you can find me. Follow me on Twitch. I stream on Twitch. I'm enjoying that. Okay, cool. Luke Cameron. Wonderful.

There we go. com. There we go. Twitch.com. Thank you. Amen. Thank you so much, Luke. And yeah, that's it from us, guys.

We'll see you all again. Well, we won't. We'll hear you. No, you won't. You'll hear us. I'll finish that. I've done it again. I've ruined it.

the ending. Never mind. Every time. It's great. Professionals. Fabulous. Okay. Bye.

Bye. This podcast is part of Podomity. The UK's podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.