Dear Mr Knickerthief - Give a little love, receive my Creamy egg - Valentines special with Chi with a C

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

Enjoy our Dear Mr. Knickerthief Valentines special with hilarious YouTuber and comedian Chi with a C. Was it true love for Sophie in the alley behind the shoe factory? Join us as we chat all things firsts, and Jahannah lifts the lid on some rather embarrassing stories (obv) concerning the big V day. Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!

So he pops this bottle of champagne up the footh and, and, and, and, like, tilts it, pours champagne inside her. I don't know why he thought that would be, like, essential. She said it burned like the fire of Hades. And obviously, champagne is really, really fizzy. And so it basically poured gas loads of air up inside her youth. This podcast talks openly about mental health, sex, relationships and various other personal subjects that some people may find triggering. Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'm just going to explain a little bit.

Why dear Mr Nicker Thief? So basically, long story short, when I was in year five, I went to him with my class and a guy came in the changing room and stole everybody's knickers. So I did what any responsible 10-year-old girl would do, and I wrote a letter, addressed to said local Pido, printed it off, and handed it out around my class. It contained some comedy gold, if I do say so myself. Poetic.

Almost. Yeah. Not only did Little Sophie write to the local paedophile. She also wrote to herself every day in her diary and when we found it we were like, this is hilarious

that people have to hear this. Oh, here we are. Hi everyone and welcome back to another episode of dear Mr. Nickerthew. Hi, I'm Sophie Craig and of course we've got... I'm Johanna James

and we're joined today by a fabulous lady guest. Lady, first lady of the season. I know, the lady of the season. Sounds like Bridgeton. I was literally going to talk about Bridgeton. I was like Lady Lucia. Yay!

So yeah, we've got Lucia with us, and she is otherwise known as Chi with a C, YouTuber slash comedian, slash content creators, slash actress, extraordinary. You may have seen her on this morning. She does a great impression of Phil and Holly. God.

I still haven't watched Bridgeton. Oh, you must. Oh, you must. I feel like I haven't got the brain for it, though. No, no, no brains required. It's just, yeah, it's very much. Drama and boobs and trauma and boobs. Just drama and boobies.

That's it. America, America has made a period drama. Yeah. So it's like, no, what, I couldn't get over, though, that, the whole way through it. Like, so the girl, the main girl in it that plays Daphne is Sally. It's Sally Webster's daughter, in it? Oh my God, yeah, that was it. As soon as I was like, really, honestly,

Googled it. She's the spit of a young Sally Webb. Do you know what I would have thought? Go on, Sal. I know. Mayor of Weatherfield. She's the ancestor. Yeah.

Off. The ancestor off. No, yeah, if you haven't seen Bridgeta, I love it. Just don't watch it with your parents or your nan or anything like that because Yeah, it's great. Oh, girl, it gets saucy. It's the steamy moments. I watched it on my head.

It's fine. I wanted it to be saucy. I'm not going to lie. Really? How much so can you go? They were, they were doing it in the ground. Have you seen three, 365 days on Netflix? Oh, yes.

Oh, what's that? Oh, God. Don't watch it. Oh, what's the thing? What's the line that they say? You're lost baby girl. No, what is it? Baby girl.

Oh, chee. People listening, I'm like, I don't understand anything. What you need to do is you need to go home and do some research, watch 365 days and Bridgeton, and then you'll be up to scratch and you can join in on the bans. Okay. Yeah. Go watch it and let us know what you think. It's all good of saucy.

Ooh. Yeah, if you can call being in year six on Valentine's Day saucy. That's exactly where we're going. Okay. Back to... Bit of juicy. Bit juicy. 2000.

Oh God, I don't know. I didn't date it. I just wrote 14th of Feb. So what? I'm really old now. So like we're talking 20 years ago. 2001.

Maybe even further back. 2000, I feel like it was AD. I wasn't born then? No. No. When were you born? 2001.

Oh, so is my sister. We're actually ancient now. We're actually so old now. It's not even, it's like, my joke. Okay, we'll leave that there. Thanks for coming.

Okay, here we go. The 14th of Feb, 2000 slash maybe 2001. Dear Tessa. Who? Hello, Sophie. My diary is called Tessa. It was, anyway, back then. Who's even called Tessa?

I don't even know anyone. There's like a maid in the 1800s is called Tessa. My Nana. She gave me the diary. That's why I named it Tessa. So you named it after her. Yeah, because I've been reading on Frank's diary. and she'd named her as Kitty, so I was like, well, I need a name for mine.

Because, you know, essentially. I don't know Anne named a diary. Anne, yeah. Good for Anne. Good for Anne. Go on, Anne. Today is Valentine's Day, and what a day it has been. I can't believe what's happened.

Let me start from the beginning. Oh, please do. I don't, what tickles me most is that I just, I don't know who I'm writing for, but I You're 10 years old, but you're writing as if you're writing your memoirs of your life at like 90 years old

like I'll start at the beginning of 10 I mean I think I was very heavily influenced by Iran you know? Aran, the style of writing. Oh, yeah, the style of writing. Sorry, at the southerners I was like, Iran. Writing at Iran. So influenced by Iran.

I was really influenced by Iran so I got lost, right? Power and. Okay. Our Anne. Sorry about it. Our Anne. Our Anne. Yep, yep, yeah. Let me start from the beginning. I woke up and had some toast for breakfast.

I got to school and of course today is Valentine's Day. Of course it is. Of course it is. Lois got David a card with a sheep on it that said, I love you. And then it opened. I open brackets, I've put here. A you is a female sheep. Oh, just in case. Oh, wow.

I'll explain the joke for you. I'll explain it. Note to self. And then this is the, best part. I think this is like every primary school, like, child experience. We did some marriages in the playground today and Daniel tried to make me marry him, but I did not want to. I just wanted to practice the dance moves to tragedy. I got married at school. You get married at school a cheer. I don't think I ever did. No,

I was always kind of a bit too hard to get, you know, it was just always focusing on work. Yeah, practicing my career. We got married. Probably more into tragedy, yeah. but we get married sorry i've got steps to do there was an area of our playground which we called like the wreck area or something and it was like the the rough area there we are the altar the altar yeah otherwise the altar and uh but it was kind of out of sight from where the teachers were

so you'd go over to the rough area and that's where you could get married or have a fight or both that's where you could get married oh wow yeah the rough area um and i remember getting married or proposed to one day. I don't know who was marrying me. I can't remember. But I remember being so concerned that, because I had a brother who was two years younger,

he was in year four or something. And I was so worried that he was going to spot that I was getting married and tell my mom and not going to get in trouble. He's going to object. Because I wasn't allowed to get married. And my mom was like, no. No husband just arrives.

I object. I object. Oh, sorry, that's Amazon. Bear with. That's Amazon. So before we were rudely interrupted by Amazon there, Um, hashtag not an ad. Hashtag not an ad.

We're talking about Zach, your brother, objecting to your marriages in the playground. Yes. We used to get married on like, there was like a paint, what's it called, like a snakes and ladders on the floor. And that would be where we all got married. Mm-hmm. Mm. Was that a metaphor for the relationship as well? Like, you just didn't know.

What, full of snakes? Full of snakes. All the ladders. All the amounts of times we all got married. I'm sure there was plenty of snakes going on. Come to think of it, I'm probably still married to someone from the playground. Oh yeah, so true. Aren't we all?

Never got the divorce? Never got a daughter. We didn't have any divorce courts there. We weren't on the ball that much. But right, so on this Valentine's Day, 2000 and something, you were off to get married? No, no, no, no. Daniel tried to make me marry him.

Oh, right. But I did not want to, Johanna. I just wanted to practice the dance moves to tragedy steps. Yeah, yes. That's moving on. I think so. I do. Other people called it frigid. Hot dog and fries for dinner. Just popped that in there. Nice. Yeah. This is probably quite possibly one of the most northern sentences you might hear. On the way back home through the alley, we were walking past the shoe factory. Yeah, you were born in 1804.

they only just started making shoes that's shoe factory somebody started to make shoes somebody burnt that down in our school when we were in secondary school yeah they went and burnt it down

so you went past the shoe factory sorry so yeah we walked down the alley past the shoe factory Josh came over with a bang on the door chocolate heart do you remember bang on the door and groovy chick I love groovy chick

Groovy chick, yeah. Do you know groovy chick? Oh yeah, I may be young in age, but in my head I am definitely in my mid-40s. She was definitely born in the 90s. Yeah, 100%. I think I was born in the 70s. Oh, 70s. Yeah, what would that make?

Yeah, I loved a bit of groovy chick. Yeah, a bit of groovy chick, but bang on the door. It was a bang on the door chocolate hat anyway. He gave it to me. He'd scribbled out Claire's name and wrote mine instead. He said she didn't want it. Wow. Recycling. I mean, he's, you know. He was rejected by Claire, and then he gave it to me naturally, and of course,

I received gratefully. Great. I love secondhand chocolate with my name not on it. Great. Received gratefully. I finally mustered up the courage to send Joe my Valentine's card. Wow. Mm-hmm. This is pretty big. Good on you. Thank you. So you got a chocolate from Josh, but you were sending Joe a card.

Yeah. This is after school as well. It was like, you know, this was like the next level of relationship, not just a relationship in school. Yeah. And outside of school. It wasn't a relationship. It didn't get very far. Anyway, I wrote Happy Valentine's Day in it and I didn't write my name. So he might not even know that it was from me still.

Oh, no, wait, he does. Hang on. You just put XOXOXO. XOXO. Happy Valentine's XOXO. Who is it? Well, this is what I put. I left some cryptic clues girls.

Oh. It said. my teacher says I have nice handwriting and I stuck a pog in it for him Oh Do you on the pogg? I love pogg Yeah What's a pog?

What is a pogg? I mean I don't even know actually what they were I don't know how to play them I just wanted one because everyone else wanted one But I don't know what they did Yeah do you know what I'm going to quick Google It's like they were like little pieces of plastic Like plastic

They were like little circles of cards or plastic. Yeah, and they had like little slits in the side. Like, I don't really know what they were. They were some kind of basic game that the Victorians basically had. And we would love them. And everyone was like, oh, God, you've got to collect your pogs and you bring them to the playground, you'd swap them.

I don't know what else you'd do with them. But they were just a thing that you had to have. Yeah, and they're also called like milk caps, apparently. Never heard that. Milk caps is a game that was popular. Oh, my God, this makes me feel so bloody old. Milkcaps is a game that was popular among children during the early to mid-1990s. The name Pog is owned by the World Pog Federation.

It's a brand of juice made from Passion Fruit, Orange and Guava. The use of Pog bottlecats to play the game preceded the games commercialized. They were bottle caps. I mean, no. No, they weren't. No, they were a cool game of circle things that you would. But that must be where. They started from, like people playing with bottle tops.

Are we that old? We didn't have anything. We didn't have social media or computers or TVs or anything. We just played with bottle caps because we were poor. In the back alley by the shoe factory. Writing in your diary. Writing in my diary. Those were the days.

Wow. Bloody hell. I feel a million years old. I'm aging twice as fast in this lockdown. I've got to admit. But that made me feel like prehistoric. I feel like a dinosaur. I thought you were meaning pugs as in the dog.

You gave him a dog. I stuck a pug in a car. No, anyway, I gave him a pug. A pog. In the currency of the day, that was a lot. One singular. One singular pog. It was a lot of gift. It was a lot of gift.

That was a lot of gift then. Yeah. So you gave him a pog and your heart. And what did he say? Oh, he didn't even know it was from you. No, he didn't because I put it through his letter box and ran. So it says, he only lives down the hill. So mum drove me down

so I could post it through his letter box and run off. And then the best thing happened. You won the lottery. What happened? Better. Tonight, a whole pack of pogs. Tonight, I found a card in the porch

with a cream egg. Wow, he's upped it. Was it from him? It was from Joe. I couldn't believe it. That's what it says. The love is requited. Oh my God.

Mm-hmm. The cremeag as well. Pretty big deal. That's a pretty big deal. Did you eat it? What would you do? Oh my God. Well, I've written out the poem here that was in it.

Oh, wow. And I at the time, remember thinking that this poem was really personal. He'd taken time to write it. And now I realize it's just a standard poem. Go on, just read it. Do a recital. We'll wait. The poem said this.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. And Sophie is too. So I thought, because my name was in it, yeah, it was personal. It was very personal. Yeah, but it is one of those forms where it's just insert name here, isn't it? I mean, I don't think it would win like a spoken word event.

But there was heart there and obviously there was the cremec. So we've got to talk in terms of gifts. Exactly. Pog versus cream egg. And they were bigger back then as well. They were. They were bigger. They were weightier, a lot more dairy milk.

Chee they were. and Fredors were only 5p they were they were about five pound aren't they yeah inflation so this is just an old would it sound like old ladies grumbling about the good

girls in the back of the factory and the pogs and the no yeah I'm after this I'm gonna go and try and do something to feel youthful again I'm gonna go and I'm gonna make a TikTok I don't want to do a TikTok

put some downtown Abbey and watch our Sally Webb the mayor of Coro. Wow. And when it signs off this, I was so happy. I'm so glad I called my hamster jaw. Well, good night.

Sophie. What happened to Joe? What's the end of that story? Nothing. It's not your husband. No, oh, no, no, bless him. I don't know what he's doing. Yeah, it was Joe. Yeah, Joe, if you're listening,

hello, I hope you're well. Thanks for the egg. Thanks for the egg. And I hope you still have your Pog. Yeah, that was it. That was as far as it went. I don't ever remember it going any further. It doesn't feature in the diary again.

That's it. It's the end of that. And that was the end of that. I got my cream egg and I ate it. And that was it. So that was Valentine's Day back then. I've had a lot worse, Valentine's Day, I will say. And better.

And had better. But up until that, that was the peak. The peak of Valentine's Day. Memory of Valentine's Day. I remember, I think I must have been about, four, five, like very young and I arrived at at church for the Sunday school and my friend at the time called Andrew he bounded up to me in church and he'd made this huge

card like as a five year old it was like the size of a five year old and it was like glitter probably like pastor and it was all like he put effort into this card and I was mortified because like everybody saw me like get it was like right at the front of the group where everybody was and he was like here you go happy valentine's day or something and it was like i love you and i was mortified because i didn't feel that way he's romantically inclined and um i was like oh thank you and then my mom was like you have to make him one back and i was like uh i don't want to i don't want to and mom was like you have to it's what you do with valentine's day

i was like uh so i made this like really half-fast i didn't put the best glitter on it you know what mean. Just crumbs. Yeah, just gave a quick, tears of sadness and being forced. I had to like, I had to give it back to him.

And I was just like, there you guys, I was your on Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. And that was, so my first memory of Valentine's Day is being like mortifying the embarrassed, like a public display of affection

and then being forced to make a card. Yeah, I think I've got a card. I remember like the first guy, like my first love, I remember he was like 13, 14. I've spoken about him on the podcast before. He made quite an impact.

And he gave me, I remember, we were in science. And our teacher was called Mrs. White. I hope you were. And he gave me a silk card in a box, which was a pretty big deal. And I remember his best mate, Gads, he was like a little sidekick. Gazz was also the guy that broke up.

with me for him. Do you remember that where hi, so-and-so said you doesn't want to be with you anymore and you'd be like, okay, great. Couldn't he say it himself? Yeah, I wish at that time I'd have gone to backbone and be like, can you not just come up and say himself?

Why would be not, we were living in a level of anxiety where anyone could walk up to you and just dump you, anyone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And anyway, this. On behalf of someone else. Yeah, this one obviously, you know, didn't last. but I remember getting a silk card of him and yeah

because it was like wow really like it was a big deal and I remember Gaz being like yeah this is a really big deal I think it might have been even gals that gave me it and I got a teddy off him this was in science because obviously you didn't see each other outside of classrooms and I got a little white bear with a red love heart on it and he'd sprayed it in his links

and he used to lose links there was like lynx africa and links touch wasn't there there was like two yeah two different ones two different basic boy packages i had brothers and they used links so when i smell links i just go my brothers yeah i never liked it on any other boy because i only associated with my brothers yeah for every every boy in the 2000s would use it but yeah he sprayed it in link's touch and i remember being like oh my god i love the smell of this because it smells like him and i remember going out and buying a bottle of Link's touch and I would keep spraying the bear in it so that I could like sit and smell him.

The weirdest things when you're young and you fancy people, you know the weirdest things. I still do it now. I still spring it in Link's touch and think of him. Sophie has been 20 years. It's been 20. It's been over that. No, it hasn't been 84 years. Since the factory burned down.

Since the factory burnt down. I've got no. shoes. So yeah. It's still going. Yeah, it's still going until this day. A guy once gave me a safety pin. I don't know why.

I think he literally handed me a safety pin or something. I kept this safety pin on a necklace for like 10 months. Wow. Did it go rusty? Probably. I mean, it probably gave me tetanus. It was just, it wasn't even, it was just a bog standard safety pin.

And I also would, oh my God, I'm so, I would also at night, I'd like a attach it to my teddy so it would be on the teddy. Oh, I'm just going to throw up now at myself. Did it? What about YouTube? You've got any... Honestly, I just ignore any kind of event that wasn't Christmas on my birthday.

I was such a self-absorbed child. Couldn't care less about Valentine's Day. I thought, oh, it's just not as good as Christmas, is it? It is a big commercial thing. We're not as huge about it over here. Like America, it's like a massive thing. if you don't get a Valentine's. You're a Valentine's dance.

You're a social, you know, reject. But we did do this thing at school. I don't know if they were trying to make it so that they would stop the embarrassment of people giving cards. But, you know, do you remember you had, like, trays at primary school? So you'd have your tray. Oh, yeah. Go and you'd put your homework things in it and whatever you wanted, your pogs, yeah.

And I remember that people could go a break. You could go and put a Valentine's day card in someone else's tray so that they wouldn't know, like, who was from or whatever. And I never got one. And I remember, like, my friend would get, like, five. And she'd be like, oh, my goodness, I've got so many Valentine's Day card on my day. And I'm like, oh, my God, you can't. I'm like, oh, that's cool.

There's always one. Always one that always gets all the cards. Yeah, she got all the cards. The day before it is called Galentine's Day now. Like, that's a thing. Have you heard about this? I thought it was the same day. I didn't realize there was a specified day.

That's brilliant. I think it's the day before. Or maybe I'm lying. Galantines Day. I don't think it's before. I can't remember. It's around that date. You did something last year, Jay, didn't I?

Yeah. Galentine's Day. Galantines. But guys, I did a little bit of research about Valentine's Day. Do you know whence it arrived and why? Did it go on the 14th of Fet? well it does it's on the 14th of fair but it dates back previously to that the actual legend of valentine's day is actually amazing i like valentine's a little bit more now that i know like where it's from no go on back in time way back when uh in around 269 a d thousands of years ago a roman priest named valentine was put to death for illegally conducting weddings between young couples because the the um what's he called He was involved in the playground.

He was in the rough area. He was the guy in the rough area getting all the kids in. Getting them married. So, yeah, the king at the time was like he outlawed young men getting married because he thought soldiers would be better if they weren't married, which makes sense because if men don't, you know, finish, then they get more testosterone. They say that before a boxing match, don't they? Exactly.

They were using that. But these young men were, you know, obviously in love and whatnot. So Valentine would be the guy that you went to. to underground to get married and be able to have your lady. However, he was found and he was put to death, and rumour has it that he fell in love with the jailer's daughter, and on his way to the execution, he passed a note that said, from your Valentine.

Oh, my God, what a legend. What a legend. I love it. I love it. I know. And then it wasn't, about 200 years later, that they decided, so he became a saint,

when he was put to death and then 200 years later they decided to get rid of a Roman festival and make it a Christian one, they were like, what can we do? I know, why don't we have a day all about that saint that, you know, got killed? Isn't it a shame they become a saint when they die?

I know. A saint in life. Awful. I think there was one that was a saint in life. I don't know. I'm not that. Father Christmas, wasn't he a saint at first? St Nick, old St. Nick?

Did he have to die? No, he's a lot. He's alive. He's alive. Blessing. But I've got to say, what a legend that guy was. That old Valentine's, St. Valentine. I actually, yeah, I like Valentine's Day more now. I know. I wasn't fussed by it. I wasn't fussed. As an adult. Yeah, I do too. Like, as an adult, you know, I'm not like massive on it. Obviously, at the age of 10, I was like, yeah, give me the bang on the door, chocolates, the pogs, the cream eggs, give you a voice. But now, you know, I'm like, oh, give it, I'll take it. Link's Africa. Ooh, links touch great. But like, yeah. Yeah. No, now I appreciate. it a bit more. That's cute.

Maybe I'm a little bit sour though because I traced back in my mind and I remembered when I was about 14 I did get stood up on a Valentine's Day. It wasn't a Valentine's Day date as such it was like oh a whole bunch of teenagers

we're all going to go hang out in Camden and just like hang out because that's what we do bro and I remember being there was a guy that was going to be there and it was Valentine's Day that Saturday so it was kind of like oh we're going to hang out on Valentine's Day but there's a group of people so not so much pressure but obviously in my mind I was like it's a date and I made him a card but it was like a kind of a parody Valentine's Day card so just in case he took the wrong way I could be like oh it's just a

joke yeah and I wrote like a poem in there and I did drew little like stick men versions of us and I and I took quite a lot of time making this card look like I hadn't spent any time at all one of those things yeah yeah yeah I went all to Camden with my card and it he didn't turn up that day. And I was like, that's it. I'm never going to do Valentine's Day ever again. I wasn't really that bothered after that. I had a pretty rubbish one.

I'd not long been dumped by a long-term boyfriend just after I'd moved kind of down to London. Not dumped, we decided to go a separate way. So it was very dramatic there, wasn't I? It was dumped. I was dumped. No, we, the distance. It was the end.

The distance. You consciously uncovering. We're consciously uncoupled. That's the one. Anyway, so I was pretty sad. And then I'd been kind of sort of seeing like a guy that I was working with. And then we ended up going out on Valentine's Day. I traveled all the way back down from a job that I'd had in the north, I think. So came all the way back down.

Then we all went on this night out. Everybody had a bit of an argument. Somebody got weed on in the bus stop. He fell over in the bus and shipped his front teeth. And then, yeah, we spent a lovely evening together. and woke up full of regret. But yeah, that was... Very romantic.

Dead romantic. Just got pissed on in a bus stop and someone lost their front teeth. It's not a Valentine's Day unless you lose a couple teeth. Jay, I'm sure you've had lots of people get in touch with you regarding this topic. So this week we had so many people

like volunteering and writing in with their stories and absolute nightmares from Valentine's Day. I think because we do any event that we really big up and we put a lot of hope and drama and romance into, obviously when it goes wrong, it really goes wrong. So I've had a great time like picking out like what the worst ones were. This one really stuck out to me because I could just, I really felt empathy for this lady.

So she said one year a large box addressed to me was delivered to my office on Valentine's Day. day and all the colleagues gathered around. And as I was new to the company and I wanted to make friends, I thought, I'll let them watch me open it and we can all look at this together. And I was seeing a guy at the time who often gave me gifts. So getting something wasn't a total surprise. Only it wasn't from him. It was from his mom. And in the box was a bunch of stuff that I'd left at his house, underwear, cosmetics, books. And there was a note attached. It said, nice to have known you. Good luck with your life. So he hadn't messaged me for a while and I just assumed that he'd been busy.

Turns out that that meant that he'd ended our relationship and I hadn't realized and it was like a tragic scene from a roncom and my colleagues, all my work colleagues were standing there staring at my underwear. It was mortifying. Everybody silently went back to their desk and I never lived it down. And his mom sent that. Oh my God. Imagine your mom having to pick up. His mom was the messenger. Yeah. His mom was gas. Yeah. His mom was gas. Yeah, absolutely. But like imagine on Valentine's day Everyone's like oh somebody's got a parcel And it's literally like nice to have known you

Good luck with your life That's all days What a brutal mom though also I know Good luck with your life That is brutal I'm like no if you're dating someone You need to learn how to end this

You need to learn how to start And in relationships properly my son Right This is a memory harping back to the times When you could You would talk to people on the telephone and you wouldn't necessarily see who they were.

That was the worst, isn't it? Ringing up the house phone and being like, hi, it's some, it's so and so there. But he's just having it's tea.

You can do a thing. Okay, thank you. Or like, get off the phone. I want to use the phone. All right. So this is from a man called anonymous.

And it says, I once met a girl called, change her name to Allison, at our high school dance. she laughed at my lack of dance moves and she pulled me close during the boys to men end of the road, looked into each other's eyes and we made out

on the dance floor for the entire song and she left me that night after writing her phone number on my hand in a pink magic marker. What do you hell? That's romantic. And the next two weeks we spent hours on the phone talking every night and she agreed to be my Valentine. So on February 14th I showed up at her parents' house

with a card, a dozen roses and a mix of. tape and then when Allison opened the door she said oh you're the other guy from the dance oh I don't want to go out with you and then she shut the door and she opened it up again and she kept the flowers but she gave him back the mixtape and she left him there standing there on his own and I'm like wow this situation wouldn't happen now because obviously you would talk on like a face time so you'd know instantly but this guy invested two weeks of his life with Allison and then she's just like oh you're the other guy so sorry was that was Allison that guy's mom like these are all very brutal brutal I mean they say all's fair

in love and war but he's brutal times out there's awful yeah that is really bad this one I think as well this has got to be the most embarrassing Valentine's Day that came into us it said a few years ago I went on holiday to India with my then boyfriend for 10 days

We had a blissful time we were eating fish on the beach, drinking cocktails, staying in a lovely hotel. The flight home was on Valentine's Day and I wanted to make it the last day as romantic as possible. Unfortunately, my stomach had a other idea.

I knew this was happening. Oh, no. We were sitting at the gates when I felt really dodgy and I ran to the loo where I was extremely ill. I blamed the chicken burger that I'd had the night before, the only non-Indian food I'd eaten the whole trip.

After that, I felt fine until 20 minutes later when we were boarding and I motioned to my boyfriend, friend with a panic look in my eye and he immediately shouted at everybody, can you move out the way my girlfriend's about to shit herself? So discreet. Could you imagine? Do you know what?

Yeah. Otherwise people wouldn't have moved. She spent the next five hours. They wouldn't have, would they? Five hours on the plane emptying her bowels into the plane and like sweating profusely and next to this boyfriend. That was like the worst. But I would be, I don't embarrass easily.

but if somebody announced that I was about to ship myself and they needed to talk about the way, I would probably go a bit pink. Like, that would be quite embarrassing. Jump on the plane. Yeah, I wouldn't have got the plane. I don't think I could have got the plane. I've never heard anybody not go to India

and not get a bad tummy or Egypt as well. I got a bad tummy. The entire time in Egypt. And I'm a vegetarian and I stuck to the cooked foods, like the cooked vegetable. I didn't eat salad. I had a bad tummy the entire time. It's the water, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, water, they say. An ice. Yeah, ice. That's a killer. I go to Spain. I'm like, I'll have my drink. Hold the ice.

Yeah. I'm getting tonsillitis again. I'll have a can of Coke, please. I always get tonsillitis when I go to Spain. Do you know why? Yeah. Yeah. Must be the ice.

Must be the ice. The answer for everything. It's nice. the answer to every so. Must be the ice. That's what it is. It must be the ice. Now, there's one more story that I wanted to include because I think this is, this actually happened to a

friend of mine, she will remain anonymous, but it is my all-time favourite, like Valentine's Day disaster. Slightly graphic, so let's just do it. We're all ladies here. Hold on to your knickers. Hold on to your knickers, lad.

Lads, ladies and lads. So my friend, this was when they were very, very young. Rose petals on the bed, romantic R&B music like a bottle of champagne painting each other nude it was that kind of vibe you know what I mean

and then because this is where it gets really funny so they were there on the bed doing the thing getting down to it doing a bit of foreplay and then the guy decides to do something really kinky and was like I'm gonna pop the bottle of champagne up her

and on 16 yep Surely not. So he pops this bottle of champagne up the footh and, and, and, and, like, tilts it, pours champagne inside her. I don't know why he thought that would be, like, essential. She said it burned like the fire of Hades. And obviously she, he, champagne is really, really fizzy.

And so it basically poured gas loads of air up inside her uterus. And so she was like, ow, out, out. No, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that. And then the minute that she moved, horrendous fanny farts, horrendous. Oh my God. Because she's just had a liter of gas put up inside her. So she then proceeds to try and run out the room.

And it's, you know, you can imagine the toots. And then when you go on a jog and you fart every step. Yeah, like that. It's pretty much that. And he was like, don't worry, I'll help you. And he was trying to like get the air out. And it was just, she was like, let's just leave it. Let's just leave it here.

This is a disaster. We draw the line here. And I love it. And I never let this friend forget. I'm like, remember that time that boy tried to pour champagne up your fanny. It is a thing, though, isn't it? Like where people... Is it?

Alcoholic stuff? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I'd get a UTI immediately. It's like a rush for a week. Nothing edible is going down there. Like a sparkly UTI. Middle-class UTI.

No. Oh, dear. There we are. That was beautiful. Thank you, Johanna, for that very informative discussion. Well, you can't talk about Valentine's Day and not talk about sex, can you? Very true. Very true. Not all Valentine's Day about giving pogs and eggs, are they? I think you find they're the best.

Lucia, where can we find you? Oh, anywhere, really. Don't have to find me if you don't want to. We don't need your address. not your dress I mean that can we find you You can find you online But you don't you know Just anywhere

Only fans I'll do it for you Chee with a sea across all of our social Go check out our YouTube Our Instagram's popping as well And I'm sure Oh and a Twitter game is stronger So if you do fancy your laugh

I'll check her out There you go I'll do it for you my love Don't you worry You can find us At it's James and Craig We're on Instagram That's kind of it really And then you can find us.

Oh, she's at Johanna James. I'm at it, Sophie Craig. Yeah, that's it. Come find us. Dear Mr. Nicker Thief is available on Spotify, iTunes, and many other places that you can listen to pods. Unfortunately, we're not sponsored by Jeff Bezos and Amazon yet, but you are sponsored by Anne Frank. Thank you, Anne.

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