Dear Mr Knickerthief - I promise I'm fine! I'm totally fine - With Tova Leigh

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

WELCOME TO THE FIRST EVER EPISODE OF DEAR MR KNICKERTHIEF! Sit back, relax and laugh along with hosts Sophie Craig and Jahannah James with special guest Tova Leigh - Blogger, creator, author and all round female boss. We talk orgasms, sex, being frigid, growing up as a female and your first relationships and of course, 'Barry'...That knob. Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!

Orgasms, laughter and crying, do the exact same thing. Imagine if you did it all at once. You would be single. Especially if you laugh. This podcast talks openly about mental health, sex, relationships and various other personal subjects that some people may find triggering. Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'm just going to explain a little bit. Why dear Mr. Nick a thief?

So basically, long story short, when I was in year five, I went to him with my plan. and a guy came in the changing room and stole everybody's knickers. So I did what any responsible 10-year-old girl would do. And I wrote a letter, address to said local pedo, printed it off and handed it out around my class. It contained some comedy gold, if I do say so, myself. Poetic, almost. Yeah.

Not only did Little Sophie write to the local pedophile. She also wrote to herself every day in her diary, and when we found it, we were like, this is hilarious. People have to hear this. Oh, here we are. Hi guys, and welcome to the very first recording of Dear Mr. Nicker Thief. I am so excited. I thought you were going to say I am Sophie Craig, which you are.

I am. And I'm Johanna James, and we are joined in the studio by... Totally. Welcome. Thank you so much for being our first guest. What an honour. So obviously, this comes from a blog that I started called Dear Mr. Nick Thief. Obviously, as you heard in the intro, the name came from a local pedophile.

Naturally. Naturally. So yeah, we're going to take extracts each week. I am not going to tell or read them to Johanna or our guest prior to recording episodes. Keep it fresh. So we keep it fresh. The reactions are genuine and this is genuinely what I wrote at that particular time in my life. Okay.

Where are we time travelling to today? We are time traveling to. Let me open it up. It's great. It's got little fairies on the front. It's so cute. Okay, we are time traveling to the 14th of May 2007.

Wait, wait, wait. You were a child in 2007? I hate you that. 16. Oh, my God. Wow. I was. I was.

I just want to. to point out after a divorce. Finished my MA, oh my God, and over 30. Wow. Wow. That's just really depressed me. Sorry, carry on. Carry on. Hi, guys. My name's Sophie.

This is my third diary now. I don't know who I'm talking to. Exactly. It's like, this is before... Wait, this is before Instagram? This is way before Instagram. You saw the future. Hi, guys. Sophie.

Hi, I'm going to be a self-impact. Unemployed, actress slash influencer. What a great life. And I thought I'd start, well, I could write this as a therapeutic. True. True. I mean I've been writing for a long time. I was 10 here.

My GCSEs start tomorrow. Oh, pressure. I've just argued with my boyfriend, I don't want to say his name. So I'm going to call him Barry. Let's say Barry, okay. I can't believe you were dating of Barry. That's a reason it in the last. Nothing, there's anything wrong with the name Barry,

but it just wasn't very 2007, all right? I've just argued with my boyfriend Barry, and he's just rang back saying he wants to go on a break. Which, to be perfectly honest, I'm okay about it, actually, which makes me question myself, really. God, lover. But are well,

I know I was being short with him. And I know I wasn't being quite, as tactile, but everything he's been saying that he just offended me, which is bizarre. As like I say, I'm not easily offended. But he was annoying me. But I'm glad. I need space from him.

Do you? You don't sound entirely sure there. Yeah, he just done me and I don't even care. Like, I really don't care, but I really care, but I don't care. That's essentially what you're writing. I actually wasn't being as a good girlfriend. It's like I could have been, but I don't care. Wow, you were already slightly blaming yourself.

Isn't that crazy? He said he wanted to go and break you said yeah cool I'm fine with it and then you're like yeah I probably deserved it actually Wow I wasn't being tactile Oh my god It was your fault

You weren't touching him enough Oh dear My eye and I made this poor boy Wait two and a half years before he actually touched me Oh you were not being tactile Were you? Quite frigid

I was so frigid But you know what Somebody broke up with me Because I wouldn't hold their hand Under the table in art And I'll tell you what by phone period I was single. I had that as well.

In year four. What's year seven though? How old is that? Year seven is 11 years old. Year four is about nine and I remember this boy saying yeah we can go out and I was like oh my god he's the hottest guy in school yeah for like a nine year old and um he was he was like he said kiss me and I went uh no we were both in year four okay just saying I wasn't a year seven going out of year four I know but still year four.

Tova's got three young girls. I love how you have. Clarify. Just clarifying. I wasn't in year seven. He asked me to kiss him in the playground. He was like, kiss me then. And I was like mortified.

Like, no, I was like, no. No, I'm just like I'm in shock because my daughter is in year four. Oh, okay. Like, Tova's literally sat there wincing. This guy dumped me. Oh my God, she's kissing in the playground. Exactly.

Is she? Well, well, I wasn't Tova. I made them wait. Oh, she made them wait. I was frigid. I'm going to send her to you. send him my way this guy asked me to kiss him

I said no and he dumped me there he went well we're not going out then what and I was but this is what's annoyed I'm annoyed at my reaction I like walked away and was like oh and then I ran up to him

and kissed him and then like I'll show you still dumped in a very soft cheek though oh right great we're moving on from there right back to your confused

16 year old self He's just annoying me, but I'm glad because I need space from him. But besides rubbish like that, I'm happy. I mean, I'm glad we're on a break, I think. I'm glad my GCSEs have started, and I'm on A's. Oh, sorry, and I'm on for A's and A-Stars. Oh. And I'm lucky.

My friends just text me asking if I'm okay. Hmm. I reckon Barry's been on MSN and told him, what a pleb. What a pleb, Barry! Bless him, though. I've got no credit so I can't text him back. Oh. Classic 2007 problem.

I just love it. It's so cute. Oh, bless me. Strangely, I feel quite elated. Hmm. I mean, I'm not that bothered. I really think you're bothered. I really think you are.

I mean, I sound pretty bothered. If you're not bothered, you don't talk about it. No. No, no. You don't. Okay. Preparation for working. life GCSE tomorrow. What the heck? He, he.

What the hell is preparation for working life? I don't know. I know. You're a very mature 16 year old though. Oh, you should have heard her when we were... But maybe she didn't... If you read it like in a different voice, like a ditsy voice, do you think you'd suddenly like sound? Maybe. Should you really in a Dicey one? Yeah. Yeah. Because you're coming across as like really mature and thoughtful, you know? Honestly, some of my entries here from when I'm 10, I'm like, where has that education gone? Like, I'm lever and then and I am now.

Okay, read them in Didley. Then dance, ICT, English lit, media studies next week, that should be fun. Well, I'd love to stay in Blab, but hey, stuff to do, boys to text. Stop! You sound like gossip girl. X-O-X-O.

Stuff to do, boys to text. Yeah, yeah. I want you to have a t-shirt that says, Stuff to do, boys to text. Oh, I love that. That's so good. Can we get this merch right now? Right now.

Did you remember? but it's hard to recall, isn't it? But with Barry, were you okay? No, I wasn't. So Barry was a very toxic relationship. Barry, I wouldn't say he's my first love. Right.

You know, actually, my first love, because I don't know about you, but I, like, still pops into my head now. Like, I'm married, I'm very happily married, but I'm still like, I wonder how he's doing. Oh, do you know what I mean? My first love, I was 13.

And like this boy was great. He's like, he was super, super tall, super dark hair. Well, anyone's tall when you're 13. And basically, yeah, we ended and then I ended up with Barry. And Barry was my first for everything. And he kind of, we were together on and off for quite a long time for like three years. And then when I moved away to university, the night we moved away, he helped me move in. And then he went on a night out in another city and cheated on me.

me he slept with somebody. The night I'd moved away. But this whole process, we'd been on and off, on and off, on and off. And he was actually, you know, obviously he was growing up. Don't justify him, Sophie. No, but yeah, but some of the things he used to call me, they're still, like, in my head now. Like, he would call me names and all sorts of things. Wait, like, nice names or horrible names?

So I had an eating disorder when I was young and he'd be like, oh, you're an anorexic bitch and all this kind of stuff. And, like, we would, when we fell out, we fell out. Oh, yeah. So he was quite manipulative, and I don't know if he meant to be, but looking back, Barry, you are a knob. I mean, I'm sure he's very lovely now, but no. But that then. But yeah, but back then, even then, reading that back, I'm second guessing myself.

Isn't it mad how at that age as well, you're so, you're like a sponge and you're absorbing everything, which I think, especially nowadays, the social media, how crazy that must be. Even back in the day when we didn't have social media, you and we were trying to grow up and sort ourselves out. I remember once this boy told me, stupid boy, told me that I looked ugly with my hair and a ponytail. And it hit me to the point where even

like when I first met you a few years ago, I was still like, I'm not sure about the ponytail. All I do is wear a ponytail. It hides my grace. It affected me. And it's mad because I'm like, I don't care about this guy. He was just a guy friend that I had. But someone calling me ugly because of the ponytail, I just connected the two

and then forever. I've had previous boyfriend say, oh, I love your hair. I love your hair up. I love your hair up. And I still don't believe them. I believe the boy when I was 13. I was like, wow. I think you're so impressionable. What was it like for you then as you were growing up, Tover? I was a proper stalker. Okay. No, really? I'm ready for this. I loved all the boys who didn't love me back and I would stalk them. Like you think I'm joking but I'm not. I had a diary as well and I found it recently and actually it's included in my book. Oh wow. And I have entries of the boys

that I loved and what they wore who they were talking to times of day like me no really this guy that I loved when I was 13 there are tables that are folded in you open them up and like this like it's actually quite disturbing

but you would be the girl now on social media if you needed something found out of someone you would be like oh let me just look this up and roll up can we just take a moment though to appreciate my social media stalking Oh, she's amazing. Is he?

Back when I was single and I was dating guys, if I needed something found out, I would know everything. Within 30 seconds. She would be able to find people he went to university with, find their profiles, find where they went to school, blah, blah, blah, blah. She put it all together. I'm like, do you work for like MI6 or something?

I cannot speak about that. It's fine. Yeah, no, honestly, I think social media, you'd have had a field day. Yeah, no, for sure. No, but going back to like that validation stuff, like, I don't know what it was, but I'm exactly the same.

I liked all the boys who didn't like me. The boys who liked me I wasn't interested in. I don't know why. It's really weird. And I carried that on, actually, until my, until, like, into my 20s. They're, like, you know, there's people that are, like, perfect on paper. Yeah. And you're, like, literally banging your head, like, against a brick wall going,

why don't you want to be with this man? He will give you everything you want and you need. And you're like, no, I'm going to go for that guy that's like really got a lot of trouble. Yeah, yeah. The tormented soul. Yeah, he's so anxious and depressed. Come here.

He's an artist. Have you got anger issues? Then great, we're together. Yeah. I know. I don't know what it is. Like this idea that we can, I don't know, save them maybe. Yeah.

You definitely have that. I definitely have that. Like your previous history. Yeah, for sure. There was a pattern. And no matter who I chose, even if I chose someone initially completely the opposite. Right, right, well I'm going to go

for something completely opposite. It was all the same trigger points for all the guys. It's kind of I've just stayed the same person over and over and over again. Wow. And then, yeah, I realized I had to change my reaction to it. For years. You're happy now. And married somebody who is

like my type and then divorced. And I think Mike is probably the only guy my whole life who doesn't fall into that pattern. Wow. It's really, really weird, but I don't know what it was that changed about me, by the way. I don't know. Actually, when he reached out first, I didn't like him. Like, I was a bit like, no, not interested. You know, like, I wasn't interested. And it took me a while to kind of go, actually, he's a nice guy.

Like, and I don't know what changed. But like I said, I was over 30, and I had been in a really bad relationship for a long time. It was time. You know what I mean? Well, now that you're quite a, like, Famo face on the internet Do you have any relationship or connection still with your first husband? No, not at all. So do you think he would have definitely seen your face fly around the internet?

Yeah, for sure. Good. I mean, he's... No, you know, I wish him nothing but the best. We were just wrong for each other. And I think he's married now. He has a family and it's great.

But it wasn't for me. For sure. But yeah, God, Triggery boyfriends and first love. So that was Barry, do you have any more about Barry? Or will he be coming later? I'm sure Barry is going to make lots of reappearances in this diary. There's a few Barry's along the way. But it's also a significant relationship because he was your first boyfriend.

He was my first, like, serious boyfriend. Yeah, I mean, nothing compares to that 13-year-old boy that I still think about to this day. That sounds weird. No, I think 30. That's not up. But, yeah, no, I think, I don't think you're ever. forget that because I think you learn a lot about yourself but even just reading back through that now yeah if I was to have daughters it is literally the

thing like I would be like oh no if if I could arm them with what I wish I had known at that point then yeah like wouldn't the world be totally different if I'd known then what I know now yeah it would be different but also saying that looking back as well it's amazing when you get perspective because I went through a lot of like these relationships and went through these kind of bad boyfriends. But then I'm realizing, whoa, but like my relationship now, I would, those guys actually equipped me with all the like tools and the knowledge.

So as much as it was horrible to go out with someone who would just dump you and you have to go for all the heartache and whatever. Now I learned something, I walked away from that learning something. And then people go, oh, that relationship was a waste of four years. I'm like, well, not really. No, I don't think it ever is. It's not really. The chapters in a book.

Yeah. Exactly. It's in my sense. It's in my series. An actual book. And in terms of actual book. And in terms of the actual book, yeah. But they are.

Everyone's like, it's like a chapter in a book. And you can't, it'll be a really rubbish book if it was just the last chapter. No, I think every single experience in life, you can take something away from it. No matter how negative or how traumatic, I think, is always good to come from something. Like, as an example, we've been doing a lot of Harry Potter research recently because I just love it. And J.K. Rowling said that she wrote the book. the books would not be there if her mom hadn't died. Yeah, no, that's so true.

It was the death of her mom that started the chain of events that got her writing, the Harry Potter series. And I can relate to that massively. Exactly. So I was like, I did think of you that. I was like, wow. So when you then back and look at the big picture, the whole of JK Rowling and Harry Potter

and everything that is impacted on our world and culture came from the death of her mom. And so obviously it was horrible that her mom died and she had to go through that. but like just she recognizes is that that was something shifts yeah your focus shifts when something like that happens I don't know it's a new focus isn't yeah

and the themes of Harry Potter you can see that reflected because his parents died yeah and then therefore every kid in there that either had a parent that die or doesn't feel like that they felt like they were an orphan for some reason or another um yeah well it's all the what's it called the ripple effect isn't yeah it's really interesting I've just finished reading the first Harry Potter with my eldest.

Oh, how does she love it? She loved it. But look at me. Like last few pages, I'm like weeping because it's about the mother and the mother's love again. She said she loved him so much. It's the love. It's all about the mother's love. She's like, stop it.

No. I couldn't stop crying. I cried recently to the final Harry Potter movie. I've been watching them again, educating my current boyfriend, he hadn't completed it. I was like, what do you, we can't be together unless you've seen this. And then, um, so we did. And then I was crying and I blamed it on the fact that I've recently stopped taking the pill and I'm really emotional. Um, I was like, oh, it's just the pearl. But it is actually, but it is just the estrogen. It's just the estrogen of my body. It's not at a report of

psychopaths. I don't worry about it, J. Crying is good. Crying is so good. That is one thing actually that I wish I could go back and tell myself. That crying is okay. Crying is okay. Oh yeah. You need to learn that for sure. Crying is good. You're not a Well, no. I mean, I cry. Yeah, or no? Like, I will cry in a safe space. For me, for a very long time, it was to cry was to show weakness and I would never cry in front of everybody. It would never show sadness. I would never. And that built, but it chips and chips and chips away at you. And to your self-esteem and your assertiveness is like so buried beneath all these layers of, hello, I'm absolutely fine. You know, that it, you know, it comes out in other ways. It comes out in anxiety. And that's something. I'm sure we'll touch on as we like crying is real I'm such a crying advocate I think people should just get together and cry I love crying crying is good releasing you know when you get that that breath that you take after you've had a good cry and you're like

and then you're just like but doesn't it release the same thing as laughing and it releases a spit yeah orgasms yeah yeah so it releases exactly the same orgasms laughter and crying do the exact same thing so imagine if you did it all at once you would be single Especially if you laugh. Oh my God. And cried. And cried and not going on. And moaned and ecstasy.

Actually, there's a lot of women who cry after. No, I'm not being, I'm not joking now. No, no. Hands up I have a few times. Wow. Really? Yeah. You've cried?

After sex, yeah. You get this, you get this huge. Yeah, it's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's like I can only, I haven't had a baby, but like I can only assume people still talk about like a rush of love after you give birth.

I have like, you just get like this. rush of love and it overwhelms you. Like, yeah, you know, yeah, it's weird. And then it's really embarrassing. Like, are you crying? Yeah, I didn't know it was a thing as well. And I can't remember what it was recently talking about orgasms or whatever. And somebody said, she sent in and she went,

I cry sometimes after, I feel like I'm a weirdo. Like, is this weird? No, and I posted it. And I couldn't believe how many women came back saying, oh my God, I thought I was the only one. It's one of those things. Oh, that's amazing. The big secrets.

Nobody talks about it. I can't say, I've cried, to be honest. Oh, I have. But then that's me. I'm probably like stifling it and it's like anger. But the big of it comes out as, you haven't done the dishwasher! We have got a little section of the show that we're going to do each week,

which is an agony aunt section. And you guys get in touch with us and we try and help you out. So we did a shout out on social media to ask people to write in to dear Mr. Nick Thief. to let us know stories from their past experiences or anything they've got trouble with, so I thought we'd bring it to the table today. And Sophie hasn't seen any of what this are, so it'll be nice and fresh for both of you.

Okay, so these people have remained anonymous. It says, Dear Mr. Nickertheefe, I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16. However, since arriving at uni, I've moved in with the most beautiful man I've ever met. I love my boyfriend, but I'm not sure how to recover from this passion,

what do I do? It's quite, it's quite, I think that's quite a common theme where you're with someone from the sweetheart and you're with them and then suddenly you have a big change of circumstance like you go to a new city. Your world opens up.

Yeah, you go to union and you realize oh it ain't all about that town. Barry and Barry. Barry and Barry. And then obviously it can, or even just, it can just jolt you if you're in a long-term relationship and then you're suddenly very attracted to one person and people go, what does that mean?

I don't think it necessarily means anything. It just means you're attracted to them. It doesn't mean you're in the wrong relationship. But I understand how that can be very confusing. Yeah. Especially, I say move on. Sorry, but totally.

I do. I mean, you know, if you love the person you want to stay with them, fine. But like, if you move on, I don't know. Looking back, that's the advice I would give myself. Sleep with more men, you know, see more men, have more boyfriends, have more experiences, whatever, you know, you're not. That's so liberating. Some people marry their sweetheart and that's amazing and they've been together for 60 years.

Incredible. Yeah. Would you have the same advice to your daughter? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I would tell them like travel, don't settle down. Wait, don't, you know. There is so much more to life.

Yeah. So I got married at 18 based on the fact that I really thought that I knew what I felt and I thought that I knew myself. Yeah, you're the perfect person to talk about. And I made the decisions based on, no, I know what I want. I'm so mature. I've got this. I know myself, which I really thought I did, but then looking back, I go,

you're a baby. Oh, you didn't, you didn't love him. You didn't love who you married. There was signs, there was like signs that as an older person, I would, and there was red flags in the relationship that I didn't understand either. You're in love with the idea of what it could be. Yeah, and, and

I mean, yeah, it's very tempting when someone waxed out a diamond ring and you're 18 and you just think Disney. Yeah, it's different. But, yeah, I, It's safe to say that even so if this person, even if you're when you're 18 and you really think you know yourself, like sometimes you don't. Like 10 years later, you go, oh, no, no, no, no.

I agree with you. Have a little variation. It might just be a crush. And if it is, then it'll pass. If it doesn't, then that's when you can start making it. Yeah, see how the year goes. If you're still crushing on this guy, then maybe listen to you. God, I would hate, like, being in university

and have a long-term, how do you say, long-distance relationship. Yeah. How annoying. Yeah, I know, because you need. Yeah. It's not about that laugh. No, I know, exactly. Like sitting in your room and sort of like, oh, you know, talking on your phone with a boyfriend.

Like, go out. You know, meet people. It is difficult. I've in fact, actually saying that at university, there were people that came in with a relationship. And I cannot think of one that lasted. Interesting me. For the whole three years. So I actually came back off my honeymoon and started uni.

So that's what happened with me. And we both went to uni at the same time, even though who's five years older than me, he went to uni late. But we were in two different unis in London. So we were both students at the same time, which we thought worked. But I do feel now that I was completely robbed of my uni experience. I hear about your uni experience and I'm like, that wasn't my uni experience. Okay, so I've got some funny sort of stories that people have written in about their sort of first loves or first crushes. So, dear Mr. Nickyth, my senior year of first.

high school I wrote a full length musical and cast myself as the lead and my ex as the love interest so I could just kiss him again it was successful but a pathetic move but the musical was a success so she sounds

probably a bit like something I'd do actually sounds like something I think I didn't do yeah I've written a play and you must play my lover yeah no I've definitely done that um dearest Nicky thief

I repeatedly called the house phone of my crush. You see how long ago this was. Oh my goodness. Do you remember? And then having to ring, be like, hi. Could I speak to that? James, please. Thank you.

Hi, this is so and so, and so. Yeah. He's just having his two. I'll call you back. I remember that once you get past the parents. So repeatedly called the house phone of the crush. I got through to the answer machine and completely panicked. And I started saying my nighttime prayers.

No. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, dear God. Thank you. Keep everyone together. Blessings be for the bread. Like, wow.

What a voice. And then obviously you've left the voicemail. That's the worst, isn't it? When you leave the message? Oh, God. I mean, that's one thing, I guess, because now it's such a text thing and you can, like, delete your voice messages

that you send and stuff. You don't really have that. You do it really quick. You can sort of, yeah, delete stuff. But back in the day, a voice message, it was gone. And, I mean, we're not talking about the ones where it's just like, oh, okay, not by.

But, like, I mean, I have a very embarrassing voice message story. So when I was dating this guy, he sent a naughty text. He tried to send me a naughty text. I already know where this is going. But he missed sent it, not to my mobile phone number. He sent it to my house phone, my parents.

House. And I remember, and back in the day, if you sent a text to a house phone, it would read it out on an automatic. Yes. So I came home once and my parents were like perched in the living room and I was like, are you all right?

And they were like, you have a message. I was like, sorry. And then they press play on the voice message. And it was like, hello, baby. I am horny. I would. And I was like, and I was like, and lucky my parents saw the humor in it.

And they were like laughing. I would have been. Oh, my God. I was mortified. How old were you? 18. Thank you so much, Tover, for coming on. It's been absolutely wonderful to have you.

But an amazing first guest, honestly. So where can people find you more if they're loving the sound of your voice? Yeah. Well, I guess social media, Instagram, or Facebook, my thoughts about stuff. Yeah. Well, thank you so much, guys. Thanks for listening.

Be sure to tune in next week. I'm not going to give too much away. For sure. But it's going to be interesting. We're going to go back in time a little bit, I think, in the DyerR. And if you want to get involved in the show, then please just send us a message at It's James and Craig on Instagram. And you can get involved too.

We want to hear your stories. Okay, that's it from us this week, but we will see you again next week. Thanks very much, guys. Peace out. Bye. Don't forget, guys, you can follow us on social media. You can hit us up at It's James and Craig

on all the usual places, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all that jazz. I'm also on the gram. I'm at Johanna James. And I'm also on the gram. I'm not on the ground, by the way. We're also on the ground, by the way, Johanna James. We're all on the gram. And it's at James and Craig, and it's at Sophie.

It's Sophie Gregan. It's at Johanna James. Oh, we've cocked this right up. If you've been affected by any of these issues raised in today's episode or are seeking professional help, there are lots of amazing people out there to help. We recommend Mind. You can reach out to them at www.mind.org.uk. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.