Dear Mr Knickerthief - The time I was nearly a prostitute - With Arron Crascall

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Hold onto your knickers as we open the diary on the night that Sophie accidentally, nearly became a prostitute and spent the evening with 'Mr Long', while Jahannah tells us the sordid story of her alter ego stripper, for one night only, the world met...Ruby. We talk worst jobs ever in this hilarious podcast with comedian Arron Crascall. Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!

Hi guys, the following podcast was recorded in lockdown. So, you know, just forgive a bit of the sound. It might be a bit crap in places, but it is what it is. We did our best. So enjoy. Come on, record. For one night only, I worked as a stripper. Me?

I'm not laughing about that. I'm not laughing about that. I've got two left feet and no rhythm. This podcast talks openly about mental health, sex, relationships and various other personal subjects that some people may find triggering. Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'm just going to explain a little bit. Why dear Mr Nicker Thief? So basically, long story short, when I was in year five, I went to him with my class

and a guy came in the changing room and stole everybody's knickers. So I did what any responsible 10-year-old girl would do, and I wrote a letter, addressed to said local pedo, printed it off and handed it out around my class. It contained some comedy gold, if I did. do so myself. Poetic, almost. Yeah. Not only did little Sophie write to the local paedophile. She also wrote to herself every day in her diary and when we found it, we were like, this is hilarious. People have to hear this. Oh, here we are. Hi guys, welcome back to dear Mr. Nick

Thief. It's me, Sophie Craig and me, Johanna James. Yes. And we have got a fabulous guest for you today. We've got one other than the lovely. Aaron Craskell, hello. Hello, mate. Hello. I'm so nervous. Why are you nervous? It's my first ever Zoom! You've never done Zoom? I'm being serious, my first ever Zoom. How have you gone through the hall of lockdown

without doing a Zoom? We just do like WhatsApp. I've only got like four friends. So we just use WhatsApp and like Messenger and stuff. Yeah, but that's it. I've never done one of these before. This is insane. I've lived in Zoom.

Oh, I have. Sophie, where are we? going today in the time machine of your diary. Okay, so we are going to August 2012. Again. 12. This is a good going to go back in time. What were you doing in August and 2012? I was 29 years old. Were you? What was that? I was 22. I was 21. I was 21. Yeah. We're all in our 20s. I was 21. And this is, this is actually, yeah, we're all in the 20s. And this is actually the first or second day I moved to London. So.

Oh, wow. Yeah, baby. Okay, August 2012, the time I was nearly a prostitute. Jeez. Let us begin. That's insane. I moved to London and I'd set up a job after applying to a job singing in a jazz club. It was on the stage website.

Oh, so I thought. So this is actually written a little bit later on than when it happened. Does that make sense? So like to just, I just keep everything, like, I like to write things down. I've always written. Yeah. So this isn't like the day after it. Like this is a good few months after it.

You're reminiscing about these happy times. But it happened in August 2012. So it was my second day in London and I arrived to a weird little underground club in Mayfair. I wandered in wearing a little black dress. with my little CD I had burned the backing tracks of some classic jazz onto. I was a singer, by the way, Aaron. I know. That's why. I love it.

The steps took me down under the ground, and I came across a really big Polish man who was at the desk. He said, should I do a Polish? Go on. Yeah, go on. Is that good... Sof. Hello, Sophie. Hello.

Hello. I can't do it. Is this what you are with? I was like, well... That's the first thing he said to you? Yeah, oh wait. Not even hello or anything. Just you wait, all right.

I was like, well, yeah. That's what I'm wearing, isn't it? And he was like, well, you can go down the stairs and get changed down there. I was like, what? Wait, why? I'm here to audition. And he said, yes, yes, fine, fine, go.

So, I walked into the bar and sat down and the barman served me an alcoholic. drink. I was like, right? Okay. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. It was 11 a.m. The dress worked. It was 11 a.m. It actually was, I think about 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Oh, wow. That's completely fine. That's kind of late. It is kind of late, to be fair, isn't it? And then I was like, Um, okay, well actually, no, I have to, I have to sing. And the guy in the black suit came up over and was like, oh, okay, you have to go upstairs. Oh, man.

I left the bar and made my way upstairs and it was somebody's flat. So I knocked at the door. Oh, no. And this Eastern European woman let me in and sat me down at her dining table. And then she went, okay, sing for me. Oh. And I was like, I was like, what like? now, just sat at her dining table.

And she was like, yes. So I drawn out a version of I can't make you love me. And it was fucking awkward. She said, okay, stop, the job is yours. Come back tomorrow, 9pm, you start. Wow. Yeah, so that was that.

Okay. So the next day, I come back, donning same, said black dress and was ushered into a changing room behind the tiny little stage and was greeted by a pack of bare-breasted women changing into underwear. That's not bad.

I mean, it was beautiful. It was like I'd opened curtains on a pack of sleeping bats and I felt this horrific glare from the she-wolves. Honestly, I actually walked in and they were like... Oh, wow. So I was like, I put my stuff down and was like, um, you're wearing a dress tonight? To one of the women and she looked at me and just shook her head.

Oh, no. So it was just... So I went back out into the lodge and took a seat at the bar and the barman that I'd met yesterday had gave me another drink. I sipped it and then another girl came over and sat down. So, how long have you been doing this for? She said.

And I was like, oh well, actually, I've just left drama school. And she was like, oh well, it's very nice here. The people, they're very nice. I was like, great, that's nice. Great, that's lovely to know. Thank you. and then the owner came over the lady who auditioned me

and she said oh there's something I forgot to tell you you'll be hosting too so if someone orders champagne and offers you some you have to sit down with them if they order a bottle over £300 you'll get commission I was like This doesn't sound good

Okay Yeah great I've been to a few of them clubs Oh I have you Yeah only research for videos Right Research absolutely Absolutely.

I don't know what this accent's doing, so just a little way. It's fine. It's great. I feel like I'm there. I'm getting a bit worried about the way this is going. Yeah, go on. Keep going. I'm really intrigued now.

It's like, if you stop this now and my laptop went dead, I'll be like, oh my God, no. I need to know what happened. How much commission did she get? Then the lady sat next to me piped back up. Oh, yeah, see, it's really great here. you can make so much money too. And I said, oh, really? I was like, wow, okay, great.

I was like, so what kind of things do you do? Like, what do you say? And she went, no, you know, for the sex. And my face just dropped. I must have literally dropped. So before I had chance, a man walks in and then all these ladies from the changing room come out and parade across the lounge in a line.

And I sunk back into my chair at the bar and was like, oh, okay, yep. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they're just dancing for him. And so, yeah, so I just sat there holding this little drink. And then I got a tap on the shoulder by a bouncer. Mr. Long requests your presence at the table. I was like, what the fuck?

Was that like a nickname? His name was Mr. Long. Well, I don't think it was like, yeah. I mean, that is not surely. It's like Mr. Big from Sex and the City. I think he's compensated. He's long. Yeah, but isn't.

How long as it where if it's like Mr Girth wants to speak to you It's like Let then you know It's something bad Mr Long

Could be anything Man Mr Long Mr short Mr long time Mr long legs Long legs Mr Big or Mr Girth Is when you should start going

Okay I don't really want to be here anymore Right So did you go over to Mr Long Well Well The other girls were scouring at me

So obviously all these are the girls had come out and presented themselves to Mr. Long and he went, actually, no, I'll have that quiet one at the bar that was going to lock me in the eyes. Yeah. That's my, that's my method when I go out to a club as well. It works. Yeah, it works. Just hide. So I sat down and was like, you're right. And he was at least like 65, 70. And he ordered a 300 pound bottle of commission. Commission. Shit. But shit, it means you've got to sit with him and drink it. So how much was that? 30 quid commission?

I know, we're going to tell us about that. I don't know. She didn't, well, she didn't give me it in the end. We go back and get that. Now we're influencers with a bit of dollar. We can just go. Do you know what? I'll tell you after.

I'll tell you after. Okay, okay. So he ordered a 300 pound bottle of champagne. Shit, this means I've got to sit with him. The bouncer then came over and said, you can go sing now. Thank fuck. So I got up and sang.

Bear it in mind, there was only Mr Long in the bar. No. And then had to sit back down after it. After that, I went to the bar and sat and there was a girl and her boyfriend there, but they were posing as brother and sister so they could work together in the bar, which actually thinking about it is pretty clever. She was a dancer on the stage and he was singing.

But as they had come together, she was not approached to horse. Oh no. Which I was. Poor girl. She was an actress too. I was told I had to go and sit with Mr. Long on. until the bottle of champagne is finished. So he toddles back over with his bottle of champagne.

And after chatting about his wealth, seven children, and watching the girl dance, I must have had about three glasses out of sheer determination to finish the fucking bottle. He put £60 in the top of my dress and put his hand on my leg. Ugh. The bouncer took me to one side and says,

Mr. Long would like you to leave with him. Oh no. And he offered me £3,000 to leave the bow. With it. Renando's? Renando's, yeah. Did you not even ask? I said,

it was insinuated. I mean, people all over the club were like naked at this point. The Bouncer, I said, what? No way, I'm singing. I've not been told about any of this. I was like, what, we have to leave for sex. And the bouncer looked really shocked

that I hadn't been told about what this place was and suddenly took pity on me. So I went and sat back down at the bar and missed a long left while with another girl. And I watched three girls and one guy making out in the corner. I sang once more and the bouncer said, go on, you can go. Sorry, I didn't do the accent. Go on, you can go.

I left and I used the 60 pound to get a cab back home and cried the hallway home and woke up with a headache. I text the woman the next morning and said, I can't believe you didn't tell me what this was. You told me it was a singing job. I was nearly bloody soul off. Oh, my God. And that was my first night in London.

The end. I mean I've seen taken Yeah Jesus Very badly That is insane She was so naive Isn't that crazy How did you find out about this job?

Well I applied for it on the stage So when I moved down When I moved from Manchester So I lived in Cumbria And then I went to Manchester And then I went from Manchester straight to London And I was looking for jobs So I applied for a job

I was working in a theatre At the Phoenix Theatre in London I think Blood Brothers was on And then that was the job I had set up And then another job I had was singing in a bar in Mayfair. And it was on the stage. The stage is like an actor's industry magazine. Oh, okay.

Yeah. And it was advertised in there as a singing job. So it seems... So is this place still there? Probably. He was in Mayfair. So can you Google it now? Because if it is, I want to go there for a drink with both of you after this.

It's happening. We're going to get your 30 pounds. Yeah, we're going to get your bloody commission. Where's my commission? That's ridiculous. That's at least 30 quid. I didn't get it. I didn't get it because I just left.

But the bouncer kind of like helped me leave, which was quite sweet because I think he'd gone, oh fuck, it's like another one that, like looking back on it, he'd gone, it's another one that's been walking. He's like a good, he's like one of the good guys in Taken. Yeah, yeah, he was like, go, go. Get out. I really want to know what Mr. Long would have wanted.

I mean, he might have just, if he was that age, he might have just. I didn't write it down. He did say he wanted a blow job to be done. For three grand? But I didn't write it down. For three grand? I mean, that's not bad.

I don't know if that was for free grand. He asked, he said, will you leave? I'll pay you three grand. And then, um, but it, previous to that, he'd said what he would have enjoyed. And I was just, that's how, like, yeah, I mean, if you had, if I hadn't have known, it was a sex players at that point, I did then. It's just so seedy, in it? Like, London is just so bad.

Like, it is just. It's crazy, isn't it? But for three grand. If I was... I don't know. I mean, I can see why the girl at the bar was like, it's very nice. Yeah, good money. I bet you do, darling.

I bet you do. If you could just get a missed-a-long three times a month. I mean... Just saying. Once a month. How much was your rent in London? At the time, like four or five hundred quid because I was living with people. Yeah.

I'd have been like... You would have been literally like... Yeah. Everyone would have been like, what's Sophie up to? I'm a singer in a jazz club. Yeah, she's that, she's a singer. I've just looked under her bed and there's 80 grand under there. And loads of business cards from like men.

So, yeah, that was my first job in London. Jesus Christ. So, yeah, I've had a lot of jobs in London, but that was my first one. In contrast, Aaron, what was your first job? Yeah. My first job was when I was 15 years old in an Indian restaurant in Dover. And I don't know if I can zoom in on this. but I've got a scar going across here.

Can you see that? Oh yeah. Okay, so for the listeners, Aaron's got a little scar going across the palm of his hand. Yeah, I've got a scar right across my hand from here to here. And I lasted three hours in an Indian restaurant. My first job was cutting onions. No.

So I grabbed my first onion in my hand. I picked out a brand new knife out of a packet. The knife went through the onion and threw into my hand. Three hours when I was 15. and the guy tried paying me off because I was too young to work and I had to go to hospital. Oh my God, of course. So yeah, but mine weren't three grand.

It was like 50 quid. Yeah. But to a 15-year-old, to a 15-year-old, like, that was in 1997. 1990. No, 1990. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me point this out. Ninety-da-da-da-da.

1997. And that 50 quib was a lot of money. 50 quib was like 15 grand then. Yeah, as well, Lord. Do what I mean? 15 year old as well. What about you, Jimana? I mean, I know you've had some weird ass jobs in London.

But I remember my first first job was babysitting in the community, in the local community. Yeah, I'd be quite a trust. And I remember this boy who lived a few doors down. He was about eight or nine, kind of at the shitty age where he's sort of like, he's not cute anymore. It's just like, and you're not, he's not old. Like the missing a few team. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I went round and his mum said, like, bed by 10, you know, no junk food, all that stuff. And I was being nice to the guy and being, and he was like, bed by 10. And I was like, look, all right, fun, I'll let you say half an hour, half 10, you know, like, I'll be nice to you. And then after half 10, I was like, dude, I can't, like, your mum told me a time and I'm sorry, but I've got to do it. So I sent him to bed. So the little, the little dick was like, right, I'm going to get her back. So when I then went home, my mum got a phone call from his.

mom because he said that Johanna had had boys over and was making out with boys on the sofa while I was babysitting. Boys or boy? A boy. A boy. I had a boy over. And I was like,

Mom, I didn't. I didn't. I just sent this kid to bed. And like, the fact that my mom didn't believe me, she was like, oh no. Did she not? She was like, why would this kid make it up?

I was like, because I sent him to bed. And, and anyway, Anyway, the only way that I got out of that, believe me, was because that was the first day that I got my braces. And you know when you first get braces and you are in so much pain and you're like dribbling and you can't eat? I've never had him.

Oh, I've never had them. Oh, okay. So when you first have braces, for the first day or two, you are in agony, your whole door, you can't move it, and you're dribbling and you can't eat. Yeah, you wouldn't want to see a boy. So I was like, Mom, I was like, I'm gonna be cutting the boy.

And so mom was like, that's a fair point. She probably couldn't have. But, that's a fair point. That's a fair. fair point, she's, she's, she's, she's dribbling. Yeah. Yeah. And this boy then had to, had to apologise and I was like, shit, I'm not babysitting you again. Like, God, they're little off. Oh, I babysat and they do get away with murder, don't they? Yeah, and I was nice. Oh, now he'd be like, what? He'd probably be like 24 now. You need to find him and ask him why.

And be like, yo, you probably fancy me. You ruined my life. You need to get him on this show. Like, you need to speak to him and say, like, I'm, like, it'll be. You'll be. You're probably, you're be such a good show. I'm going to get the boy on. You screwed me up and ask him why. Like, that would be such a good segment of the show. Why did you say that I had a boy over? What was his name?

What was his name? His name was Seth. Seth. Seth, what? Seth, if you're listening. I don't know what his second name was. It was just Seth the neighbor. Seth the neighbor.

He's going to be hard to track down with a name like that. Seth. I mean, his family still lived there. I could find him. I'll find it. I bet he follows you. I bet he follows you as well. Probably does.

Oh, no, she's going, fucking, whoa, yeah, she used to, that was my baby,

she used to baby, my first job was, um, I had a paper round. I did. Yeah, I did,

and it was the advertiser, so you used to have to put all of, like, the different leaflets My was, it was called ad scene. Yeah,

it's the same thing, and you put all the things in the thing, and then every week you'd get like seven pounds through the door in an envelope. Brown,

little brown envelope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, It got really hard because I used to do so many extracurricular activities. If you've listened to season one, you'll have heard about how much of a nerd I am. And I used to have to try and cram it in.

And I once had this breakdown and just shoved all the leaflets in a bush and left him there. Oh, God. Did you still get paid? Yeah. I mean, a few people were missing their Netto leaflet that week. Do you remember Netto? No. Oh, my God. It was like a Scandinavian shop.

Like, it's like an Aldi. Netto? Netto, yeah, it was yellow. We've got an Audi and a lyddle. We had a song, it was like, what, yellow and black and full of crap? A netto bag. That's a great song.

That's a great song. And if you came into school with a netto bag, you used to get picked on. Like if my mum, like, but now as an adult, I'm like, of course I'm going to pay 5P for a tin of beans. Why the hell would I not? But now, she was, like, back then, if you were given a nettle bag

to put, like, your P kit in or whatever, because I was one of them kids that, you know, Like you have a Tesco bag. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, instead of like a nice backpack. If you had a net or bag, like, you got picked on. My mum. I used to hide all my tins if somebody would come around for dinner so that they wouldn't see netto on it.

You want to talk about getting picked on, right? I was about 16 stone, five foot high with big puffy hair out here, and it was an undercut. So when you lifted my hair up, it was all bald. Anyway, my mum, my mum wouldn't buy school uniform properly from the school. so she used to buy like like makeshift black jumpers sew the school logo onto the jumper

and once puts leather elbow pads on my woolly jumper as school my teachers used to do that I was a hit I was like the absolute target

yeah I never asked her but I'm going to ring her in a minute lever elbow pads on a jumper. But Aaron, that was because that was going to make it more hard wearing. It would last year then. Yeah, I know that. But like, it didn't make anything else hardwaring

when I was getting dragged through the concrete by about eight kids every day. Yeah. It didn't make his skin like leather. Yeah. It proves like a peach. But at least relboes are all right. Do you know what I don't get it? Yeah.

I worked at McDonald's for three years. there was another thing. I loved that. Right, I need to ask you some questions about this, Sof. Go on. Can you make your own burgers for your lunch? At McDonald's.

Can you make like a 17 high stack Big Mac for your lunch? People used to. Oh! What about like a quarter pounder? Then a bit of chicken. Then a couple of Big Macs. Then put another bit of bread in. Then put some Big Mac sauce on top.

Yeah. People used to do that. And more at the end of the day, because obviously you'd cook everything. Yes. And then like if it didn't get used, people would just eat it or you take it home or people would make their own burgers and stuff up with all the shit. Did you ever get any complaints? Sorry, Johan, I'm just completely kicking you out here, but I'm really into.

No, God, it's great. You like to McDonald. Did you ever spit in anyone's food? No, I never did. She's a good, too much. She's a good. You know, but, I mean, there was some, you know, just make sure, what I would always say with any fast food joint is make sure you can watch the food being made. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I'd say. Um, so, Johanna, um, so Johanna, um, so Johanna, um, I know you had some creepy jobs. Do you want to divulge those? You don't have to, but it would be great if you wanted to.

Give me a good one, Johanna, please. What, creepy job? What, like my... You know what I mean. Oh! You don't have to say it. You don't have to say it if you don't want to. You know, can I ask?

Were you a foot model or something? No. Johanna, I can... Come on, Joanna. I don't know what this is going to film. Okay. Oh, alright. You don't, okay, if you don't want to say it.

No, I will. You have to say it. You have to say it. Okay, so I somehow... Do not downgrade it anyway? No. You have to... I want the exact...

Like, I don't want it like, oh, okay, I'm going to really lightly coat this. I want it all. Right. I'm so sorry. Yes. Come on, my God. For one night only, I worked as a stripper. Me?

I'm not laughing about that. I'm not laughing about that. I've got two left feet and no rhythm. And, um... So basically what happened? I went through a really awful breakup and I think I mentally, I think I had a breakdown.

And I saw an advert in Kings Cross Station saying dancers wanted for a club. It was very similar to Sophie's story and I thought, middle naive me. I was like, oh, I could be a dancer and a nightclub. Yeah, I love to do it. I was, often I was like,

I could be a podium dancer. Yeah. That's what I thought it was. I thought it was girls dressing like little outfits, just dancing away, getting paid. And I was like, boom. So I turn up.

for an audition. But everyone was cleaning and they were like oh there's nobody to audition you but you look great to come back come back Monday night and I'm like

so I arrive up It's literally the same story I arrive up But on a Monday night You've got to think Is it going to be busy On a Monday night There's something up here

Yeah I mean I sang an entire jazz set To just one man in a bar So you know But Mr Long Come on he's a legend So I turn up at the door And then they go

What's your name? And I'm I'm like, Johanna, and they're like, no, what is your name? And I'm like,

Crystal. Ruby. If in doubt, God for any Gemstone. Did you actually say that? Yeah. Because when I was in drama school, we had to do burlesque,

and my burlesque character was Ruby, so I just went straight to Ruby Ribbon. Jesus. But Johanna's a good stripper. Sorry. Johanna James does sound a little bit like a porn star. Johanna. Johanna James.

It's like Jenna Jameson. Jenna Jameson. Jane. It's very similar in there. Guys, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, well, Google it. Johanna. Anyway.

It's a good stripper name. Come on. So I got in this. Sophie's a nice stripper name. So Sophie. Yeah, Sophie. All right. So.

Ruby. Ruby. So Ruby. So Ruby enters the club. Again, very similar to you, full of beautiful, like, Eastern European girls, amazing boobs.

Like, whoa. And I was like, oh. My God. Also, I realised I'd never been to a strip club before, so I didn't know. Have you not? No. It's pretty cool, man.

I hadn't. I'd never been. Why would I ever be? I'd never been one. I'd been. I'd been on stagdose. I thought it was a nightclub. Like,

I used to go when we were at uni. Well, basically, you know, like in the movies, when you see, in the movie, it's not like the movies, it's not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. And I decided I wanted to leave, and I couldn't because they put your personal belongings into a locker. and they lock them until four in the morning when the club closes.

So I couldn't leave if I wanted to because they had my phone, my everything. So I was like, you know what, I'm in, there's only one way out of this. And that's on the stage. To go plow through. I'm going to plow through. Same with me, sink in the champagne glasses. Like, quick, just get it all her and don't with. And so I met this lovely girl who was British and she was like, oh my God, you're English.

Like, that, yay, we can be friends. I'm going to show you the ropes, girl. And I was like, okay. Wow. Just completely shitting myself going, what have I got myself into? I'm having a mental breakdown. What am I doing here? I can't dance.

I don't know. And then she's like, right, okay. So here's how it works. We go up on stage and we do two dances. And I'm like, okay. And we get on stage. And like, there are proper like poles and everything. And I'm like, you know what?

If I'm going to go for it, I'm going to go for it. And so there was me. There was me. Roops. Ruby! And then the first song came and went and I was like, I'm getting kind of into this. This is kind of a parent. Please tell me it was Pony.

By the way, it was, it was Monday night, so there was about three people in the whole club. What was the song? Come and tell me the song. Oh, I can't remember. Mr. Long was probably there. Mr. Long was probably there at the back with Sophie at the bar. Jesus. Oh my God.

And then song number two came on and I was getting into it. And then the girl next to me went, take off your top. And I'm like, what? I did not stop. I know for this and she's like, uh, song number two, you have to take off your top.

You can't just stay in your clothes. Bra? Bra? Take the bra off, yeah? I like wearing clothes. And then I was like, God, like,

I have to commit. Well, you, you had on just like knickers and bra. I had like a kind of lingerie. No, I had a dress and then lingerie on. So they said take the dress,

though. You haven't got to get your boobs out the second song. But the dress was off in the first song because there only certain amount of layers you got on. And then the second was like,

you got to take bra off. And I was like, Oh my God. How many men were at how many people in the club? Like three. It was like no one. No one. So they've basically got like a boob each.

Basically one boob. So I did the dance. I did the song. You took your so off? Yes. Wow! Ruby, come on, Roob. It wasn't me.

It was Ruby. And then, but I have to say, I have to say, it was weirdly empowering. Ruby was left on that stage. Exactly. So anyway, the night went on pretty uneventfully, and I managed to get out, and I got my stuff back, and I never went back.

And, but officially, I can say that I work professionally as a stripper. How much did you get paid? See, the thing they also didn't tell you is they take 50%. They skip a lot of the details out of all these people. Oh, they do. There is a lot of guidelines and law breaking. So yeah, they take 50% of what you earn on the way out. And I didn't earn really, think really, because I wasn't like the girls.

The girls, whenever somebody does come into the club, they all rush over and... Yeah, you're not at the ball, maybe. And I was like, I basically, I did a Sophie and was like, no. No, absolutely not. Oh, no. So I didn't earn it out of all of it. I earned about 30 quid. And then to chop it all off as well, considering that I was walking through Covent Garden at 4am.

And a guy came up behind me and grabbed me and went to attack me. Luckily, I was saved because somebody else came into a view and I was bottled it and ran off. So I ended up having to go to the police, making a full report to the police about the incident. And then the police had to, they were like, well, where were? you that night and I was like, nowhere. And then they were like, we need to tell the police about Ruby about everything. And they were like, well, it's very possible that this man followed you from the club. So we're going to have to go back to the club and look at the CCTV footage of Instagram.

Tammy, he was there. To see. And I was like, so you're going to have to go and watch the video with me on the stage? You do know, you do know that we could invest all three of us together in a club. We've got a jazz singer and a stripper. And Miss Saline. You're a DJ. Oh, yeah.

You're a DJ. After two, after two. Oh, yeah. And a DJ. We've got the making. We've got everything. We have. When I did a call out to social media to ask anybody about their first jobs or their embarrassing jobs, we had so many replies.

So I've picked out some of the ones that I thought were quite funny. Right. So this is from Toby Beldevere. And he said, so, I'm a restaurant specialist in. in a hotel one day and the girl from reception calls and said, Toby, we need a strong man because there's a lady who's, she's fallen in her room and she can't get up. Oh, no.

I've got to laugh at that. And so he had to go and pick her up. But what the receptionist forgot to say was that she was 78 years old and completely naked. But he's a bit of hero. That's quite a nice job. Like quite a nice thing. Oh my God. My first day on P&O when I was a steward on the boats,

I was a barman on the boats for three years. And an old lady come over to me and said, Excuse me. I was like, you had to stand there. And so basically your first two weeks was just getting used to the boat, going around the boat, asking people if they need any help. This little old lady come up to me. She said, excuse me, can you help me? I said, yeah, what would you like?

And she was sick over herself? Oh, no. Like a tissue, babe. All over herself, all over her feet. And then she walked off. Was she drunk? Or was it seasick? No, she was seasick, yeah.

Oh, bless her. Excuse me, can you help me? And I was mortified. Excuse me, can you help me? Blu-e. That was it, done. Yeah. Excuse me, could you help me?

and it was all down and her seven and she was I was just like what have I just done? Like what have I just what job is this? I hear it. I do. Nina said that

she worked in a electrical store and this guy came in one day and she was wearing a sort of baby doll dress so it was quite baggy and she had a she was ringing up the customer and then she had to have a big yawn and she apologized

and he said, no worries, you're sleeping for two. Pregnant. And basically insinuating that she was pregnant, so don't worry, she's sleeping for two quite clearly. And she goes, if that wasn't embarrassing enough, she was astounded that her cover-up was, oh no, I'm not pregnant, I'm just gassy. Oh my God.

That is class. That leads me on. That is good. To an email somebody is just sent in, actually, about gas. And her name is Jenny. and she brought in wanting to share her story with us. Go on Jenny. Floor is yours.

She says, I have this really weird thing with my body that if someone else touches the bottom of my belly button, I fart. For as long as I could remember, even when I was little, I had an outy belly button, and when it got poked there, I would fart, and now my belly button's gone in and it's really deep. It happens when someone touches the bottom of it, and it causes quite the stir at uni. I like to wear crop tops in the summer,

and people would comment on how deep my belly button is. I even had an award for it. Some tickle and poke me, and you can imagine the uproll. when I start farting because of it. Oh my God. Who is she? She's a legend, thanks to that, Jenny.

I'm going to follow her right away. Jenny, she can fart on demand. That's really impressive. That really is. You press a belly button and it does it. Yeah. That's amazing. No, it doesn't work for me.

It doesn't work for me. I've been trying quite a few minutes now. It just feels weird. I need a bit of a wee. It feels a bit weird on your inside. I do. I need a wee. I need a wee.

Yeah, it makes me a wee. One guy on his first day, he was a chef's, Chef's apprentice making Yorkshire puddings. What a job? He set fire to a large oven. And in the panic, somebody tried to put it out with a fire extinguisher, but it was a water type, and the cooker was oil.

Oh, Jesus. Exploded. And he said, with all the commotion downstairs, the head chef ran down thinking we were having a fight. And then there was so much smoke there to evacuate the. restaurant because all the smoke was like billing out everywhere. But because he realised, and he he realised that they shouldn't use that fire extinguisher for knowing, even though he said it on fire, he did got a free bar tab for knowing the right extinguisher do you use. He still kept his

job. So yeah, he kept his job and they even gave him a bar tab because he was the one that said stop using those fire extinguishers there. That's great. Well done. I wouldn't know what kind of fire extinguishes you use. The restaurant thing, there is all, like there's so many things. things that can go wrong there, isn't there? Like, have you guys ever spilled an entire tray of drinks down somebody's back? Have you? Oh, yeah. It was awful.

And he had his lovely suit, like jacket on the back of his chair as well. I was mortified, absolutely mortified. Was he all right, though? No. He was not happy. You pretend to be happy, but, I mean, you wouldn't be, would you? It was an entire tray of drinks. So, and the one that I thought wins this week's thing, the funnyest,

one is somebody who said that they were at work quite new and they took a massive poo in a stall next to somebody who was also taking a massive loud poo so they pooed next to each other and they came out and they came out and it was they're pooing next to each other I don't know why but you do don't you in the cubicle and so now you think about that that's disgusting so we all sit and poo no don't see that that Listen, listen, so, you haven't heard poo unless you work in the driver's restaurant, the lorry driver's restaurant, on the boats. Oh, no, no. It's like, that is no joke.

That is light compared to what you, it is, it's literally like, oh, man. But at least, at least that's like members of the public you'll never see again. This person, pooed, came out. It was their boss. They have to work with it every day. and they pooed together in unison. I don't like that. No, that's about it.

Don't it. Don't talk about this. But none of them stories are beating both of your stories today. I mean, come on. The Ruby won. But this has been amazing. Is that it? Yeah.

Oh, wow, I can get some food now. I'm starving. Aaron, where can people find you? People can find me on Instagram. People can find me on Facebook. If you just put in A-Dubber. in, then I should come up straight away because a lot of people say, hey, I can't find you, can't find you.

Listen, listen. Yeah, well, I spell my name, R-U-B-Y, so. Oh, no. Why can you be like, R-U-B-I? Oh, U-B-I. Classic, James. Like an eye, but you've got like a star above the eye. Oh, classy.

A pink glittery star. Oh, Matt, I'm going to make one up in a bit on. I need, I need a name. And it'll match my nipple tassel. I need a stage name. You need a stage name. If anybody can think of a stage name, guys, please get in touch. Yeah.

What, what, something like, maybe something like, um, hold on, let me really go for it. I feel like Sophia Gemstone. Generic Gemstone. Sophia's Gemstone. Sapphire. But you can call me Gem. I think Sapphire. Sapphire.

Sapphire. Sapphire. Yeah, Sapphire. Yeah. Sophia. Can we go to the club? Can we please go to the club? We've got to go. Can we go to, Sophie? I really want to go to your one. Because I don't, I mean, I like a bit of, I don't mind a bit of strip clubbing. It's quite an experience. I haven't been there for quite a few years, but to have a bit of jazz in the

middle of stripping would be quite nice. Well, they might not do that anymore, you see, because that was me. That was my full day. Oh, my. Well, I'm sure that we could have a few jinns before in, like, Soho and get you kind of jeed up to do a bit of a set. Get me on the stairs. Turn down the lights. Why have we not made a double act where you're singing? Yeah, but on your second song, Sophie, know what's going to happen?

Everybody knows my deepest darkest secret. You are welcome. That is amazing. Oh my God. I need to go and have a drink now. Hey! Get it down. Thank you so much, Aaron, for joining us today.

was amazing. Thank you so much, guys. Love you. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.