Dear Mr Knickerthief - Wielding weapons and hunting hippos - With Anto Sharp

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

We kick off season 2 of Dear Mr. Knickerthief with actor/comedian Anto Sharp as we delve into Sophie's diary during her first audition in London, the time she had to wrestle a hippo. We talk cringe auditions, snogging strangers and discover Jahannah is actually a martial arts master of the broom handle.Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!(Strange noises? This episode was recorded remotely during lockdown).

Just as a little disclosure, we had to record this episode on Zoom from home because of the lockdown. So apologies if there is any lagging or buffering or random technical difficulties in this episode. But enjoy nonetheless. Okay, so you're on a boat in the middle of a river and Dave has been attacked by a hippo. He's been dragged into the water and you're fighting to try and get him out. This pillow is the hippo. and I need you to wrestle it. No.

This podcast talks openly about mental health, sex, relationships and various other personal subjects that some people may find triggering. Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'm just going to explain a little bit. Why dear Mr Nicker Thief? So basically, long story short, when I was in year five, I went to him with my class and a guy came in the changing room and stole everybody's knickers. So I did what any responsible 10-year-old girl would do.

and I wrote a letter, address to said local pedo, printed it off and handed it out around my class. It contains some comedy gold, if I do say so myself. Poetic, almost. Yeah. Not only did Little Sophie write to the local pedophile. She also wrote to herself every day in her diary and when we found it, we were like, this is hilarious. People have to hear this. Oh, here we are.

Welcome back to season two. Oh, dear. Mr. Nicothe. Thanks for all the love on season one. It was brilliant, wouldn't it, Jay? We got so many messages. And we also, from men as well, we were a bit worried that men weren't going to get involved.

We had so many men get all over this. The boys were all over it, weren't they? Yeah, they were all over us. Talking to boys. Of course, we've got myself, Sophie Cray, we've got Johanna James, and we've got special guests today. Hello, and so sharp.

Ansoe! Anto! Anto. So yes, Anto Sharp. You can find him all over the socials at Anto Sharp. He is a brilliant comedian, fabulous actor and all-round entertainer, writer, you name it. So thanks for coming on and you're going to read Sophie's diary. I'm so excited for this. I can't wait. Okay, so I've got a nice one. We're going back to August 2012. Okay. And because obviously you're a performer and you're an actor, as well, Antor. We've gone for, I found an extract of my diary. It was this particular diary, which is one of my older ones, you see, is about a dodgy audition that I went to. There is actually going to be another episode, guys, so keep your eyes peeled. Eyes peeled? Ears spilled? Your ears, love it. Keep it all peeled, guys.

Where we talk about sort of sexual predators in the acting industry, and we've got some slightly more sinister audition stories coming up for that one because it happens. But this one's actually hilarious, so hopefully. We're going to start the season with some fun. Okay, are we ready? August 2012. The Pillow. Okay.

I just got back from my first audition in London with my agent. What a shit show that was. was. This is how it starts. It was for a remake in a documentary. So you know, like when you're watching documentaries and then they remake the story. What's it called? Oh, like a, um, like Crime Watch, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an action replay. Dramatization. There we go. Yes. For a dramatization. Oh my God. Um, so my agent rang me two days ago and asks with me if I can do a South African accent. I mean, you say yes.

I'm just speaking. I was like, I'll go to accents. So I listened a bit on YouTube and was like, yeah. Great, he said and he gave me the details. I was like, yeah, yeah, bro, fully, yeah. Like, South African. Like, I do it. I end up talking, I sound Indian.

Yeah, always. Hello. Hello. Blood diamond. No, I can't. That sounds thrilling. That's literally my reference. I was just going to say.

is like Leonardo the Caprio Blood Diamond is my reference. Like what is he say? What's his line? It's like, you got a spare smoke there, bro, or something like that. Oh, yes. That was good.

I sound Australian whenever I do it. Yeah, they're so similar. Spear smoke there, bro. It's like really clipped isn't. Got a spear smoke there, bro. I'll just sound,

I'll just sound Australia. Now, that's it. You have to like end your word quite quick. So I'll just sound Australian, but it's not. It's like, white bread, brown bread.

Right? Yeah, white bread, brown bread. Why? I'm so Indian. You can imagine how this audition went. Maybe. Maybe. So you said that you could do a full South African accent and you were going to

Hi, Sophie. Hello. Can you do a South African accent? Absolutely. That's kind of how it went. So yeah, but you know, it's like when your agent goes, can you horse ride bear back? And you're like, yes, I need the money and I need the job.

And you'll just go. do it. You go learn. Chuck yourself on a horse and then hope for the best. Okay. So I rock up to this audition in central London and I'm like, huh, okay. I mean, it looked like a block of offices, which obviously I know now was like a production company. But at the time, I was like, where is the studio? I go inside and there are like 10 girls sat there that all look at me.

And they are, they definitely look like me. But I think they might be a bit prettier. Oh, that happens. That happens when you get to the audition room and you get in there and you're like, well, this is all my twin sisters. There's like 15 of us. And then you're like, I'm not special.

And then you realize that you see the majority of them in other castings throughout your acting. That's the guy that beat me last time. Not this time, mister. But you have to be fake nice. You have to be like, oh, good luck. Oh, how was it? How was it?

Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, you come out. and you go, how was it? And they're like, yeah, okay, so that's what you need to do. And it's like, you could be feeding me bullshit, so they're like, you get the part. Yeah. Oh, yeah, actually, what they really want you to do is belly dance.

I literally hardly ever talk in audition rooms. I'm just in my own space. And I get quite, I'm a little bit nervous when I go in there. So I'm like, I'm just going to go in and compose myself. And then everybody is like, like, knows everyone. You know, and they're like, oh, hi, John. How on. Oh, great to see you again.

And all this. and I'm like, just sitting there on my own, like, you know, in the corner, like, is it my turn yet to go in and they get the fuck out of you? You know, but then when somebody comes out and, or it's when you come out, it's like, when you come out, you're like, you've got this urge of confidence because you're the one leaving, and you're like, good luck everyone, you know. Get your bag and coat. It's like, you sort of peer everyone.

It's like, you know. It's a weird one. And unless you've ever been in an audition, it's like the most similar thing as a job interview, but even that's not anything like in order. It's horrific. In a job interview, I don't feel like you sit outside like 20 of you. That all look like you.

And it ends in like three seconds. You go in and then you're out. Yeah. I think the funniest ones are when you're in the, you're like waiting in the waiting room bit and you can, like if it's a casting where there's like a load of screaming or shouting or doing something crazy,

it's literally like a slaughterhouse. You're sitting there in the audition room. It's like, and then it's like, thank you, bye. And then they walk out like, good luck. And then the next one's going and you're just sort of waiting. They're like sort of moving closer and closer to be slaughtered. It's like, it's my turn.

I'm going to be slaughtered better than you. I've sat down and I get chatting to a girl's that opposite. She seemed really lovely. And I think she could probably tell that I was quite new to this. Like, I mean, do you even help yourself to the water at the water cooler? Brilliant. Or is that rude? There was a lot of shouting and screaming next door.

There we go. It's true. Oh my God, one girl walks out, looks at us all and smiles and then leaves, and the next is cold. There you go. It's proof. It happens. It does happen. Every single one's the same.

Finally, my name is called. I go in and I'm taken into a little side room off from a load of offices. The room is glass, though, and everyone can see in, which I think's pretty weird, but now I bloody know why. These auditions surely had to be for a laugh or something. Maybe they were being held so the office staff could just get a giggle. I say who I am and who my agent is, and the guy sat behind the camera tells me what I'll be doing. He goes, right, okay, so you are the wife of Dave. You are South African.

You can do a South African accent, right? And I'm like, yes. yeah bro yeah bro yeah yeah he goes great okay so

you're on a boat in the middle of a river and Dave has been attacked by a hippo he's been dragged into the water and you're fighting to try and get him out

this pillow is the hippo and I need you to wrestle it no oh for fuck sake he chugged this fluffy pillow I'm sat on this sofa

the whole room what we see is glass. You can see everybody on the production floor, like on their laptop floor. And he chucks this pillow at me and he goes, that's a hippo, you've got to wrestle it, go. And I was like, I was literally like, oh, ah, David, no.

Get it! Like, oh my God. Do you know what? If that tape is out there somewhere, I would pay a lot of money to see that. God. I would. That is,

brilliant. That is so for their entertainment. Like, it's so is. I mean, okay, it's like, your agent calls you, he's like, I'm sorry, Sophie, you, you didn't get the part. You're like, oh, why? You didn't wrestle the hippo better, like, good enough, you know, it's just, hippos are stronger than what you acted. It's, they didn't, they weren't interested. It's like, fuck off, man. It's a, it's a fucking pillow. Can you do herself have a good accent? It's like, yeah, all right, sweet. Yeah, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, give you absolutely nothing. And it's not even like, it's sort of, it's bizarre. I mean, like, if you are a human, you know, I know you, they've probably seen 50 in a day or whatever.

So it's like, yeah, okay, it's another wrestle. But like, come on, man, give us a little, a little shmire or a shumming, you know what I mean? You know? Tell me, I'm amazing. Yes, just love me. You should do that, wrestle the pillow and go, but is I fucking good enough or not, just tell me. eliminate my agent and tell me. Have you guys ever had a kissing scene where there isn't anyone to kiss? Oh, God. And you have to make the decision whether you kiss the air or not.

Like, yeah. I literally, I think I, like, I think I've done so many quingy, strange things in an audition. Like, it is all like a learning thing, isn't it? Like, you go, like, for example, when you kiss the air, you go, mental check, never do that. that again. Yeah.

Got that in the diary. Yeah. So he chucks me this bloody pillow, counts me down and presses record. I'm sat on the sofa going like, no, David, give me your hint. Get off him whilst tossing this pillow around for what feels like in eternity. And then the guy goes, thank you. Then I was like, okay, so now what do I do? So obviously I've never been in an audition before.

Do I shake their hands? Do I give them a hug? Like, I was like, thank you. Thank you. Okay, thank you very much. So I did that weird thing where I probably lingered a little bit too long and didn't leave the room, like when you don't know if someone's going to go in for a hug or not, and then I just left. Pretty sure I won't be getting that job. And you didn't? And I did not. I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't get that job. So yeah, that is one audition story. I mean, we've always done. you like started chatting about them but it is just ridiculous why do you put yourself through it but then you know why because potentially there's like a really good job and a lot of money and that's why

i mean that's not a good job though is it you make a much like that they just could your agent's yeah it's a stepping stone though sophia it's a stepping stone i know just think where i could be now if i'd have just wrestled that hip or he wrestled it right and so what's the worst audition that you've ever had. Oh, fucking hell. There's so many, Jail. I had one. It literally wasn't that long ago. And I kind of remember what it was for. I think it was, I don't think it was a commercial, but you know, when you go into a room and the only thing that I had in my head, like, was, don't forget the lines. This is the only thing I had in my head, it was like, don't forget the lines. That's all you have to do. Don't forget the lines. I went in there and I was like,

and it was a fucking, it was like a beast, this thing and I had like a day or something to learn it. I was like, how can they expect me to do this? But I'm an actor, you have to, a little bit,

I can't actually. You know, this is debate. And so I've got in and I'm like, and the guy has actually said to me, like, there was fucking nine people in this room. I'm not even kidding.

And it was like, and I had, the guy came out before and was like, hi, and so you ready to go here. I was like, yeah, yeah,

ready to go in. I was like, okay, just to let you know, there's nine of us in there. I was like, yeah, no. Don't worry about it's fine. Instantly, I was like, fucking shit street.

I was like, no, nine of them sitting there staring at me. I was like, cool, I've done worse, this go. Went in, sat down. And I think the reason I was nervous, I think it was quite a large, quite a big casting agent. So I was like, I have to make a good impression, you know? That's the thing, isn't it? It's like, they'll cast me for my lifetime, you know?

So I've got a bun in anyway, and I've sat down. there's these non-people looking at me. And in my head is, don't forget the lions, don't forget the lions. I'm okay, we're good, we go, just breathe. And then the guy stands up, the guy behind the camera, and he says, also we are aware that it is a long piece. So don't worry too much about the lines.

And I've gone, because I'm like sort of backtrack now. I'm like, okay, cool. He said, if you need to look down at them, that's, you know, don't worry too much. Just, you know, and I was like, so what? And I literally, I was. so flustered. I was like,

do I need to know? So I went, yeah, sure. It's fine. No worries. Fucking shit in it. And I just went,

the, uh, he went, take a minute. It's fine. I was like, fucking shit. I fuck this one.

And I was like, and I was sitting there. And I was like, okay. Ah, yes. I peered down at the, the,

the dialogue and then went in. And this was supposed to be like a casual sort of conversation with a friend. And I fucking, I had this like, like presenter tone come out. I was like, it was fucking dreadful. I went to say it was like, hello, John. I'm going to go to the park.

I went, hi there, John. I'm going to go to the park. But you didn't know that, did you? And it was fucking ultra, ultra over the top. And I got to a point where I was literally, I got out of breath because I was so like, like highly pumped on this weird adrenaline presenter thing I was doing. And then

halfway through he went, just stop there and say. And I looked him in the eye and I just thought instantly. Can I fucking like, I'm fuck this, can I leave? And he, um, he looked at everyone. He's sort of like done an exaggerated nod to everyone like, I think

we've seen enough? Yeah. We don't really have. I think we've seen enough. I hate that. They do. They go, yeah, we've seen enough. Yeah. Oh. Thank you very much. Oh, I know what that means. It was literally like, fuck. And I stood up, I was like, thanks a lot, guys.

I always wanted to go, sorry about that. Do you know what I mean? But I stood up, I was like, yeah, thanks guys, thanks a lot. I left. And I walked out and I was like, what a stupid piece of shit. It's like, honestly, it's such a small thing when you think about audition rooms. When you get to that state and you can't, like, calm yourself down or, you know, actually think what is important in the world, you're like, you're in a, It's just, you're just saying words to people, you know.

I know it's, there's so much riding on it in some people's minds because of, like, the passion to get into this industry, you know. But that was from what I can remember, probably the worst audition I've ever had just because I'm, yeah, clear as day just fucked it. Like, I've got to a stage, I think now where like, I'm literally like, play to, like, you know, when you, you're so focused on it, like, we've spoke about this before, Johanna, aren't you? And it's like, yes, it's like, yes, it's.

it's this, it's this, it's this, and you get it all in your head. I think they can, like, almost smell desperation sometimes. So it's like, if you go in and you're like, yep, doing it, bye, and then you forget about it, I feel like, I don't know, like, it's better. But I've had some awful, awful auditions. I once excused myself and said, I'll leave from an audition. Before it, I'd ran to it because I was late, fell over, like, flat on my face as an adult and skidded across the gravel on the pavement

and, like, cut all my knee, you know what you do when you're a kid. So I arrived with like a bloody knee All dripping down my shin And they were like, can you get in this dress? I was like, okay, so obviously I got in this dress And it showed off my legs, which were bleeding And I was so flustered, I came in, I was about five, I'm five foot four,

All these girls were five foot nine, like tall, slim, beautiful. I don't know why the frig I was there. And then they were like, right, so that dress is beautiful, can you show off the arms, meaning they were like spin and put your arms up and like carefree. And I stood there, held out my arm, took my other hand and just trailed it from my fingertips all the way up to my shoulder like I was displaying like a car or something.

I went like this. This is my arm. This is my arm. And then I put my arm down and looked at them and I went, I'll go. I had the music video one again where I sat on a chair and they're like, right, you're in a rowing boat. Can you row for me? And I was like, sorry. They were like, yeah, this is a row.

rowing boats. So I was literally sat in this room night. And they were like, right, and then you stop in the middle of the lake, and you take a breath. And I was like, now you've got to roll back. So I was like, I turn yourself around. So what the hell? Or like you run.

You've got to look like someone's chasing you. And you're just running across the room, backwards and forwards. Like there's so many awful things. And you're like, I'm in an absolute tit of myself in there. Yeah. But sometimes I have had an experience. I had one audition experience where it went so wrong. that he went right.

So really? Yeah. So I had this amazing. I had this call from my agent that was like, last minute, can you get to this audition? It's in London Bridge in half an hour. And I was like, I have worked. I have working about an hour and a half.

Like I can swing by maybe. So I arrived, not really know anything about it, got the sides. And I arrived and there was like 50 girls. And it was a physical, it was for the lead role in this pilot. And they needed to fight. So there was a stunt choreographer at the front, and they were teaching girls in groups of five the fight routine.

And I was like, ah, I'm really dyspractic. This isn't for me. And then I said to some people, I was like, look, I have work in like an hour. Can I go first? And I was like, let's just get this over and done with it. Because I'm not going to get this. And this was really horrible. So we had to learn this routine.

And it was just like, five, six, seven, eight, five, five. And it was like, so I just went in, completely forgot the routine, made it up, read the thing, left. thought, nah, not going to get that. And then I got a recall. And I was like, what? Me? Oh, okay. And then I turned up to the recall and they sent me and they were like, right, you're doing the same script as before, but you got to be off book, completely off book for this one. And also, obviously, you said in the audition that you were martial arts trained. So bring your choice of weapon. And I'm like, yes, I will just get my weapon that I am trained in. I'll get my elvish staff. And now.

me too. I kicked the head off a broom. That's all I had. And I had like a long wooden pole which I took on the tube all the way to like the audition room. So I arrived at this one. I took a freaking broom.

I know with like nun chucks are like some sort of like Sam your eyes sod and you freaking rock up with the broom. And then so I get to this audition and I'm off book.

I've got my broom. I'm going to just pretend to be using this broom and I arrive. And then I'm the first of the day and I'm early. So I'm in the audition room before the panel. They come in and I'm like warming up in my

shorts. And then they're like, oh, you're here already. Okay, well, don't mind us. We're just going to set up. So the panel's there. Get up and they're like, right, first we're going to do the physical bit. So if you want to show us your skills and that was me spinning this thing around being like Mulan, I'm like a man out of you.

Yeah. So there's me. Jump in around the room being an absolute tip. And then they go, right, let's move on, let's move on to the, to the speaking of it. I'd love to see this. So then, well, this is, this is all on tape. And I know the director, so I could probably find this footage. Oh my God, we have to put this in. Yes.

And then we go to the, we go to do the speaking bit. And I start the scene. And then they go, oh, no, no, that, that's not the scene that we sent you. And they've been a massive mix up. And the scene I was supposed to be off book for for the final audition. I didn't have it. I knew the wrong script. So the director said,

no, this is the scene that you need to do. So he handed it to me. I'm also a bit dyslexic. I find sight reading so hard. And he could see the panic in my face. I was like, oh my God. And then I was like, you know what? I've lost it anyway.

I was like, I'm not going to get this anyway. So do you know what? I'm going to show them what they're missing. And I just did this scene because I just thought that I hadn't got it. I did it. And I think I did it really well. And long story short, I ended up booking the job. And so the director said it was because he saw the panic and fear in my eyes when he handed me that script.

And then he saw me compose myself, crack on anyway. And he was like, that's the person I want to work with on set. When she gets thrown like a right, something out of left field, she's going to be able to go, cool, I got it. The show was gone. That's amazing. That is awesome. It's a shame they didn't see the panic in my eyes when they threw the pillow at me. Okay, so next part of the show, JJ's had in some listeners getting involved in today's topic,

which is, of course, funny auditions, funny stories. It's an agony aunt and a story time section. Yeah, so I put the call out asking fellow actors for any embarrassing stories that they've had. And my friend Maddie Anho, she actually sent in like a voice. note, which she's given me commission to play, so we can play that for you guys at home now. Maddie is going to be one of our guests, by the way, guys, so make sure you keep your eyes peeled. Yeah. Everything peeled. Keep everything peeled for Maddie. Maddie had a bit of an audition, which involved Superglue. So yeah, this is what happened with her. Hi, babe. How are you?

I hope you well. My audition story is that I auditioned for a German superglue. and the premise of the advert was dodgy as fuck. The premise of the advert was that I was playing a drunk woman who a guy had brought home to his flat already dodgy. And I, no, sorry, I taking him home to my flat. And then I went into the bedroom and put lingerie on, hammered, still drunk. And then came out and he'd found some super glue and was like putting together a train set

and was so into how good the glue was that he didn't pay attention to a drunk woman that he could have taken advantage of. Anyway, this was really early on, obviously, like, a long time ago, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. And, yeah, and so they had all the super glue there. And then I was mainly, like,

go on the sofa and try and distract him from the super glue, and I was taking it off his hands, but he'd already unscrewed cap and I squeezed it all over my fingers and my hands and my fingers stuck together didn't even get the job so there we go that's brilliant no-bye oh my god classic oh classic and then I've also been looking up because there are so many great stories about it's not just us that happens to

really famo people have really bad auditions as well so some some famous people that you might know. So Jake Jillinghall auditioned for the role of Frodo in Lord of the Rings, but he he didn't realize that it had to be in like a British accent. It couldn't be in an American accent. So he went into audition for Peter Jackson and did the whole thing in American. And then apparently Peter Jackson said that's the worst bit of acting that I've ever seen. Oh shit. Do you know what? When I was doing musical theater, I had a cats audition in the morning. So I did a dance at Pineapple and then I had to go right the way across town

to another audition for Spice Girls The Musical and I was so exhausted and I went in and I was so nervous and I had to sing a pop rock song which just isn't really my thing and I sung at Anastasia I'm out of love. It's awful and I was like, I'm out of love, set me free like all at this and then I got out and my agent rang me. Bear in mind,

music or theater auditions are so physical. So I was knackered. And then when my agent rang me in the issue, he was like, I've just had a call in the cast and director and they said, if you can, can you please make sure

next time that you're sending me any of your clients that they can bloody sing. I was like, but you can sing so well. And they gave you that feedback. Your agent told you, that's what they say. You're a fucking turd.

Yeah, right? It's not a turd head, isn't it? So Ryan Gosling had exactly the same thing happened to him that happened with, you know, in La La Land, when Emma Stone's doing the most amazing audition. And then the casting call person gets a phone call. That happened to Ryan Gosling. I don't know whether that's why it was written into La La Land.

I'm not sure. But he said that he was giving one of like the best auditions of his life, super emotional in the moment. And the casting director stopped. And he was like, sorry, she said it's cool. And then you're just left there like, do I keep the tears or her? That's so, yeah. Respectful.

So it happens to the best of them. Oh, this was one as well. So, Merrill Streep, she was 27, and she was auditioning for a reboot of King Kong. And the Italian director said that, no, she spoke in Italian and said, this girl's too ugly. Like, no way, can I cast her?

Not knowing that Merrill Streep speaks Italian. So then she was like, yeah, and then she actually said something really bad ass back to him. I really want one of them moments in my life. life where I know. I would never be... Oh, fuck, yeah. I'm not quick enough. Like, I'm like, go away and then I walk away and like,

darn it, I should have said that. Yeah. Oh. I'm exactly the same. But she said, to misquote her completely, I would rather, oh, no, something about an ocean and I'm going to go and swim in a better tide. I've ruined it. That was not what she said. But, well done. Brilliant.

But she got yours, Johanna. But she got the last. word in and she went off and then she went off to be an Oscar winner and that film tanked. So, and you know what? So did Spice Girls the musical. In your voice. Thank you so much, Anto, for sharing your hilarious stories. Thanks for everyone. It's been so much fun, honestly.

I want to add, thank you, Anto, and go and swim on a better tide. Hey! This podcast is part of Podomedy. UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit pedumity.com.