Death To Everyone - Death To... Boy Bands, American Homes & Chess

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

This week's episode is particularly stupid, please enjoy. We will be discussing which boyband gets into the bunker, which feature of ugly American homes and which chess piece. Follow us, won't you? ⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com/⁠ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103/

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 TEN TO EVERYONE 🎵 🎵 ESPECIAL 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Hello, listener. Listener, hello. Hello. I was just reviewing my notes, listener, and I found out all the various things that I write down and just a little notes up.

Just to remind myself of the fascinating insights I have into the world. and one of them just says hand model jerk off no further context needed no i think it was because i think i have very beautiful hands oh my god but they're too delicate to jerk off no like if you ever like sent a video they'd be like why is that such beautiful hands joking that man's dick oh my god you know i do think about that listener like what if my hands are like get that woman out of there you're gay but they see my beautiful piano playing hands i just they're so stunning oh my god yeah. You don't think about that? Well, no, with those hands. Listener. Today is the 4th of June, and it is but five. Wait. One, two, three.

One, two, three. Four days away from the 8th of June. Wow. Death to everyone. Live! There may still be time to buy a ticket, so please do. Oh my God, please do. There's definitely still time to buy a ticket.

But do, and you can come and get some of our limited edition merchandise. Ooh, it's going to be so good. The death to everyone bunker times. With the first ever release map of the bunker thus far. And spoiler alert for next week, it will be Liv. Which I'm sure is going to go well. Yeah, we'll see how that works out. It's all, you know, we're learning here.

Well, at the moment we're giving you this candy for free. But those people... Sweet, delicious candy. But I'm worried that when the Live episode and people have paid $30 or $25 to come and see it, they'll be like, wait a second, this is stupid. I could have seen a ballet. There'll be ballet. There'll be ballet.

There will be ballet. Ballet. Beautiful hands. Don't look at my hands too close though Now I'm embarrassed Oh my god, shy girl Hello, my name's Zelda Moon Swazoo Bebop

What does that mean? Oh Matt! Yeah I did also write down Matt's trigger word Oh my god Sleeper agent My name's Zelda Moon And I'm Swazilbee Bop.

Hello. He's trying to get into the room. Ah, no, I'm lazy season. And welcome to Death to Everyone. No, normal death. And this is our weekly podcast where we, you know, chat about various things. It's the end of the world. It is.

And we have a doomsday bunker. And we're going to save some things from their cruel fate. It might be you. It might not be you. It's probably not you. It's probably not you. And you know what? We do this work tirelessly every week for you.

I don't think we do it tirelessly. I'm tired. I'm fucking exhausted. You people are wearing me out. Yeah. But we do that anyway we surge through the pain yeah and matt why do you do it oh producer matt just for the laughs oh the loves yeah the loves that's what the kids are i used to edit my laughs out of the track now just leave it in

like it's so matt's really just much more of the show like he was always laughing now he's yeah i just had my microphone off. Let it live. I just can't be bothered turning it off anymore. Good. That was good. But it's actually like therapy for me. Like this is a great, like I'm actually getting paid to be, to laugh.

It's just great. I come out of here with just the biggest smile on my face and I just think, oh, what great friends I have. You're right. You should be paying us. You go back to your wretched life go back to your beautiful child and your beautiful wife you don't need a counselor you just need this podcast yeah god um so i've covered the hand model now zelda

oh yes how are you i'm good are you okay i'm good. Are you okay? I'm good. You know. How's your sleep? Any more dreams? No. God, last week I had this awful dream. Listen back. It was. Do you know I had a dream?

Oh. No, this is like, it's actually a really sad dream. Oh. But since the death of my mother, and if you have dead relatives, you know that sometimes you'll see them again in your dreams which is really and after my mom died this is oh god this is really but anyway after my mom died i had a dream that i was in my nan the aforementioned jill's house oh and i went through and i was walking through the house which was just about to be sold after the death of my nan

um and then i walked into my nan's bedroom and my mom was there and she was like it's so good to see you if you ever need me i'll be here in your dreams oh it was very surreal and i talked to my sister about it and she's like i had something similar but anyway i recently had this dream where i was like getting yelled at and chased by this crazy person. Sorry, crazy. Mentally unwell person. I was in the dream. They were really agitated and aggressive, chasing after me. And then my mom, as she would have come to pick me up from like a sleepover

when I was like a child, came in her semi PJs but acceptable to go out in, kind of mom look. And she was like, get in the car. And then my sister and her were in mom look yeah and she was like get in the car and then my sister and her were in the car and she's like in the car and i was like what are you doing here i haven't seen you in ages and then she was like yeah well i've had your number blocked what what and then she's like we can talk about later. And then I got into the car and we drove. Wow. That is crazy. Yeah.

What did you do to her? I don't know. I must have like, like perhaps it was when I was in Mexico, the Day of the Dead, and I just didn't reach out or contact her. Wow. She wasn't even mad, but she was just like, no, I've had you blocked. Fuck. I so can you blocked. Fuck. So cutthroat. Life is rough.

I just like, if there are moments in life that feel like you're being visited by those spirits or energy or whatever, or by your subconscious, which is probably more likely. Yeah. But I was like, that's so dire. That she's like, blocked. So you, sister. Yeah, well, thankfully, I think now I'm unblocked

because she rescued me from that dream. So your little comment there about appropriate pajama attire has reminded me, oh, listener, let me take you back many years to the slumber party that i went to when i was like i don't know maybe oh maybe like 14 let's say 12 my god so it was at a girl's house yasmin's house i was always allowed to go to the girl house sleepovers because i was little gay guy and everyone knew it i guess um but it. But it was kind of cool. So it was like on the peninsula and they had like, they had horses. And they used to rent like four-wheel drive kind of buggies from there.

Oh, yeah. Like ATVs. Yeah. Anyway, weird. ATV? But it was very like. With the roll cage or without the roll cage? With the roll cage. Safety first roll cage? With the roll cage.

Safety first. Until it pins you. Oh, you know. Okay, I got another story after this. Remind me, please. But it was very like, you know, like we watched The Craft that night kind of vibe. Cool. Like that kind of sleepover party.

That girl sounds cool. Yeah. But one of the kids like was like, I need to go home. And when. Weak. Yeah. the party that girl sounds cool yeah but one of the kids like was that man need to go home and when week um yeah and like we hadn't considered anything a miss okay but when the parent came to pick up whatever child the father in the house was wearing satin boxer shorts and had been wearing them i don't know since like it was nighttime. And when the parent picked up the child, they were like, what the fuck are you doing with all these young girls at your house while you're wearing your fucking boxer shorts? And it was a scandal that rippled through the community.

That's stupid. Isn't it? Can I tell you? I'm like, yeah, he's got a dick We all know I'm sure you appreciated that I mean, I think that's part of my awakening The craft and dick concealed by satin boxer shorts

They're two of my favorite things I will say I wonder if I'll get killed for telling this story But the last and only time that my sister ever had people over to the house to visit, like friends from high school. She had like these straight male guy stoner friends from the school we went to and invited them over to the house. Fabulous.

Nice. Very cool guys. Like kind of like hot, like James Franco types, you know. If you saw Freaks and Geeks, like the freaks in Freaks and Geeks. They've been like gay baiting. And they were all in the lounge room and were watching something. And then my dad comes into the room. My dad, who will be a guest on this pod at some point.

Oh, no. His bitch is in the bunker. He's wearing his tighty-whities. Oh. He's like, excuse me. Sorry. Come through. And, like, literally, he's, like like Hanes underwear.

And like, I've only heard this story secondhand, but the embarrassment is so real. And he's like, oh, don't mind me. Oh my God. And these two like 15 or 16 year old cool boys. And then my dad is like, I just got to get something. And picks up something on the floor. And as he bends down to pick something up,

it's revealed that there's like holes in the back of the underwear. And it's like suddenly these young men are like peering into my dad's asshole. I mean, that could be an awakening. No, no. It was an awakening. Sexuality forevermore and my sister was like and um

she never ever invited people to the house ever again and then like wow but like the thing about my friends

is that they were all like theater people and like drama geeks so like they were immune yes and in like engrossed in the kind of like, my, how camp. Whereas these cool boys could not handle the heat.

That is so funny. And so I don't think that anyone would accuse him of trying to do stuff. And if he was like, hey, boys, let me just pick this thing up down here. Oh, my God. In my tattered underwear. Scandal of a different sort. That's a wild ride. Oh, my God.

I love it. It's so funny. And I will become that man one day yes become it is um okay one more story about underwear i remember so i'm sure like i presume many gay people have this but like you have like your friend like male friends growing up who are only friends with you outside of school. Like, because I was friends. That is not a universal experience.

But like I had, oh, I see. But I had like all like gal friends all the way through primary school and high school and I had like one straight friend. The one with the pedo dad? Sorry, go ahead. Jesus Christ. And I had one like straight friend who I was friends with through most of that time. And I distinctly remember this one day where we went to, like I went with his family.

Or like his mom, I don't know. We went to DFO. The place to go. Yeah. And bought like clothes. That is the direct factory outlet. Yes. Right. To DFO. The place to go. Yeah. And bought like clothes. That is the direct factory outlet. Yes. Right.

To internationalists. Oh, gosh. It's a very Bogan staple. Extremely Bogan. Like a shopping center, but where like an outlet mall, I guess. Yeah. But it also is like, is it cheaper? I don't know.

Yeah, it's where they put all the like shit. Yeah. Ugh. Anyway. Anyway. So, get back home and then- Wait, so you went with DF0 with your straight boyfriend? Yes. And your mum chaperoned? No, his mum.

It was like his family outing. But we used to like spend almost every weekend together. Like he'd either be at our house or I would be at his. And what happened when he saw you at school? We just weren't friends at school. What did he say to you at school? We just weren't friends at school What did he say to you at school? Hey And what did you say?

Hi Hello Come play with me Can't wait to see you on the weekend Only No But No, I think

Well, yeah, I say it all out loud Perhaps it's a little bit deeper than Anyway So we get home And the mom is like, oh, wouldn't it be fun if we all like tried on our new clothes? And so like I had bought, I remember it, like this disgusting blue shirt from like JJ's or something. Did it have the periodic table on it?

I wish. Because I had that one. Oh my God. So like I did that. And then my friend, being a teenage boy, had a crazy boner. And, like, we were in the lounge room with his mom. And he just, like, had this, like, full rod. Did you say rod on this podcast?

Ew. I believe he said full rod. Yeah. And then, like, took full rod. I believe he said full rod. Yeah. And then like. Why did he ever. Took full rod. I don't know. Maybe it was me parading my new blue shirt from JJ's. But like I did that.

You seductress. You were asking for it. And then he went to change pants and he like just sprang this like boner out. And his mom is like, what the fuck? And he was like, oh, that was funny. And then he like put his pants on, like the new pants. And she was like, I don't need to see that. I don't need to see that.

No, I'll see it again. You're like, yeah, get out of the way, bitch. You're blocking. Isn't that weird behavior? Yeah, that is weird. Yeah, but I mean, if I was the mother of a young straight man, I'd kill myself. Well, obviously.

Let alone two or three. Like, those women are crazy. Oh, my God. She had four. Yeah. Oh, and like, they're disgusting if they're like all together. Wow. Yeah.

Oh, and then when I was there, it was kind of like she had five kids and one of them was a weird fag. So, even that's a bad combo. She was just excited because she was like, it's like I have a daughter. Let's dress you up. Very that. Oh my God. It was that.

She took me shopping and then made me put on the outfits. She's like, you're not going to swing your boner around. I love you, daughter. I mean, Cain, someone else's child. Wow. I like definitely spent a lot of time at friends parents like hanging out with friends isn't it like surely we were like the favorite friends oh i didn't not surely i'm certain yeah right because like sweet little gay boys yeah like i would sit at

the table and be like debbie tell me about your you're going to go. Right? And I'd be like, I just want to hear everything about you. That's so fun. You're so fascinating. Except for, ugh, ugh. But then the total opposite when, like, the dad drove you home alone or, like, the dad was the one that, ugh, the dad. Oh, God. Yeah, I didn't really spend much time with the dad.

Oh, I hate the dads. And they all hated me because they knew I was a little faggot. Trying to sleep with their son oh leave me alone anyway what were you saying well i remember going out one night we were going to hunchback's theater restaurant yeah it's a special outing when you're from upwind going to richmond i didn't know what richmond was that's fabulous anyway so they so I was getting to join the other family. Yes. And then the mother in question was like her friend Tara,

who was fabulous and always drunk, she was there. Oh, I loved her. She was the very first person to ever give me Xanax. And she was like, and I guess I must have been like 13 or 14 Yeah We were all getting tizzed up for the night out at Hunchback's theatre restaurant Yeah And she pulled out a hair straightener and she's like

You straighten my hair Because I was gay Yes And I didn't know how to straighten hair But you kind of did because you're gay No, I picked it up and it was like when the wand finds you Yes, yes I was like, thank you, Ollivander

But that faith. A straight woman would never hand searing hot tongs to a little grubby 14-year-old straight boy and say, now take my hair in your hands. Yeah, no. But this woman was like, you're gay. Yeah. Do it. Do it.

And this is going to be the rest of your life, bitch. And don't do it dead straight all the way down to the bottom. Put a little curl so it doesn't look frown. as her platinum blonde hair sizzled between those prongs between the toes of that jhd i was awakened from my slumber two different awakenings me seeing my friend's rod and you seeing full rod rod yeah sizzling tara's hair oh and she got so drunk she started heckling the performance at hunchbacks and it was incredible oh i and i was like you're amazing and you said tara one day you will heckle me the hunchback and one day i will be so mortified but today and it's also where i learned about putting pepper in mashed potatoes oh yeah so delicious

do you know that when your family would we came from a land without seasoning oh my god would your okay growing up there was like a phase where all of a sudden, my mum stopped peeling the potatoes before she mashed them. Yeah. And like would include the skin in the mashed potato. Yeah. That is so much better. Yeah.

Because you get better at both worlds. And it's better for you because that's where all the nutrients are. Questionable nutrients. But imagine a world not having skins. I think that was like a transition from the 90s mentality to a noughties mentality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like skin on. Skin on.

Skin on. Well, like remember like peeling carrots? Are you crazy? I would still peel a carrot. Eat the carrot. You peel your carrots? You peel carrot? Yeah. Every time? Most of the time. Eat the carrot. You peel your carrots? You peel carrot? Yeah.

Every time? Most of the time. Wow. Not a potato, though. I wash thoroughly a potato. Oh, you buy the dirty potatoes? Yeah. Oh.

But you should wash everything. I don't, but you should. I don't. But potatoes are kind of different. A bit different. Anyway, Jellamoon, how does the world end? So hard run. I feel different Anyway How does the world end Hard run No Why was he hard

I don't know We're teenagers We're probably hard all the time You say that but no He was yeah Anyway I think Oh

Don't you love it Don't you love it When you're watching wrestling But like fake wrestling And they come up with a chair And smash it over the back of someone That is so good Can we get some of those chairs

I think we should I think it's actually our duty Can we get some of those chairs? I think we should. For the show? I think it's actually our duty. Can we get one for the show? I'm going to come out and smash you over the back with a chair. I would love that. Yes. And then can I have a balsa wood table? Yes.

And be like, get off me, bitch. Yes. I was like, you, Hashi. It's something about that folding chair. Oh, it's so good. Anyway, so someone comes up and smashes everybody to death with those someone yeah comes up this is like when you're that ninja that went around and killed every single person you know what as well listener you will have seen this

by now but we do have the spreadsheet available on the patreon yeah yeah you haven't included apocalypses on the- I haven't. Where's the column for that? Yeah, I think I might do it. I should, right? Well, if we're going to keep repeating yourself- I'm not. That's slightly different.

Baby. Someone comes up and kills everyone. Yeah. That's you for using it once before. With a wrestling chair. Ooh, and it shatters every time. You haven't done that with a wrestling chair yet. Yeah.

And then. This is like when you fold it around into envelopes and they all flew away. You're so stupid. I think about that all the time and how funny it is. That's like a Dolly directed film. Imagine having like all of our thousands of listeners just intrigued by that every week. Yeah. I mean, that's maybe I'm bullying you again every week. Yeah. I mean, maybe I'm bullying you again.

Yeah, maybe. But then the person. I think the only way you can bully someone is if you don't know you're bullying them. Okay. So then the person at the end gets the final chair and just smashes it into his face. Wait, so someone comes up. No, it's a woman's face. Her face.

Oh. Yeah. Had to specify that. Yeah. Women wrestling. I just, there's something I don't know. I mean, you live in it. It's not really up for debate.

I don't debate your apocalypses. I just enjoy them like, ooh, that's what fun. Can't wait till next week when it features more gigantic women. Well, I will give you that actually. And why this is on my mind. It doesn't have gigantic women. Why this is on my mind is some of our sisters have also started a podcast, the Diva Dolls podcast.

Sorry, if you're searching for it. And they talk about like women's wrestling and it's so funny. I love it. How invested they are. And it's Stacey Queen. they are and it's um stacy queen amazing diva tron and um ella ella wara and it's two drag queens by the way yeah so if you're looking for a podcast with two amazing drag queens on it yeah look no further death to everyone um but oh my god it's just like what a world and they're like so into that world. Anyway.

It's very chic. I love how sick it is that they're not just doing another like, we are rating things. Yeah. Like us. Yeah. Here's our opinion on. Mesh.

But they're like, it's about fucking women's wrestling. Yeah. Bitch. Yes. And we've been sitting on this and we have such an in-depth understanding of this weird subculture. Love. So good. Anyway, pick one of those women and she's smashing you to death.

And with that, dear, we'll be right back. T.T.File. To my To my To my Welcome back, listener. And I hope you had a good break. I really took some time for you oh listener lizard lady i love you so what are you gonna wear lizard lady when you come to our live show

live live okay so our very first category yeah is boy bands oh boy band is getting into the bunker? Ooh. That's fun. And there's only one answer that's correct. Yes. Should we say it at the same time? Yes. Okay. So on, so we say three, two, one, and then we say.

Yeah. Okay. Matt, you say three, two, one. Three, two, one. Aussie Pro Squad. What? Aussie Boy Squad. No. Aussie Pro Squad What? Aussie Boy Squad No

Aussie Pro Squad Oh my god Listener I love that Lazy Susan is bullying me She constantly sends me these fucking I love Aussie Pro Squad

Fucking freaks on TikTok They're all siblings Look at how funny they are I'm like ew Stop sending me this and now you bring it into this sacred place i think australia needs to know oh my god okay say wait what did you did you say ebay i said big bang theory no big bang the k-pop band oh except like i say it because what kind of squad are they are they aussie bros

do they show their gymnastics on live but only private live um no some of them have had some real probo shit come out but some of them remain untainted and they're so cool but anyway weren't you in line the people about your four weird little queenslanders or whatever they are they are from new south wales okay and they're called the aussie bro squad and um they oh there's this mother oh and she's like a suburban mom and i've never seen her face because she's always behind the camera filming her four sons that she's forced to be in a band together and they do dances on TikTok. It's super American. Like it doesn't make sense that it's here.

There's never been anything more Australian than this one. We'll be like, okay, so we're going to be watching the boys do their gymnastic flips. Thanks for the follow, Tyler. So what we're going to be doing is we're bringing out the trampoline now and we're going to go, we're going to make the account private and then the boys are going to do their tricks. So only followers will be allowed to, thank you for the follow,

only followers will be allowed to see the amazing tricks the boys are going to show you. You're going to see, it looks like it's about to rain. The rain's just holding out at the moment. And, oh, look, this one is going to show us the merch. She calls her children this one. I'll see if I can find, like, the sound of her voice. I hate it.

Because they go live every day. They're live more often than they're not. And they do these hideous dances. Wait, but so are you saying they sing they do i think as in like they're an active boy i don't know like a singing group okay i can't find them i'm talking she only speaks behind the camera on lives but you guys need to trust and believe yeah they have 130 000 followers yuck and you're one of them i'm not one of them okay i wouldn't follow this track okay wait are you wait wait wait wait wait you want to put them in the bunker you want to commit so we talk about them every week for the rest of time yeah you're so fucked and here's the layout of the

the thing from what i've been able to glean from the various lives. So the mum had a set of twins. I'm really worried because it's like, because they're Australian, like what if someone puts this onto them? Oh, shucks. So I'm not going to say anything too disparaging, but she has the twins and she braids their hair. And then she, like, they're like, I will say this. Okay.

This is what I will say about how Ozzy Brosquad kind of lays out. The two twins maybe have less of what the kids are now referring to as rears. They don't seem to have as much charisma. Yeah. But the mothers are really pushing them. And then the other two, I guess, are the people you'd be like, yeah, these two, and they're like 14, 15. These two are the ones that will be like the kind of Justin Bieber type.

You can see why she is, oh, that's boy band material, because they look like little dolls. But the two older ones are a bit like, hello, mother. We're still here. We're the originals. I love that dynamic. Yuck. Yuck.

I like this so good. Can we just put the mother in? Well, she's definitely going to prison or the bunker. I don't know. Allegedly No Ew I want the Aussie Royal Squad

You said boy bands You said boy bands? Yeah These are not boy bands They're more of a squad you're right But I figure we can bend the rules Disgusting Matt what's your favourite boy band?

Hmm. I don't know. I actually don't know many. What about The Wiggles? Oh, yeah, I used to love them, actually. It's coming back round. Although they're not really a boy band anymore. Oh, true.

The originals were. Where is my mind? Now it's all diversified. And you hate that, don't you? Oh, I'm so against it. Yeah, I know. Emma. Yeah.

No, she's gone. She's out. Yeah, that was you. Complained enough. Yeah. I don't know. Probably. Yeah, probably one of the old ones.

Boy bands are so lame. Backstreet Boys. Why are you going to lean into the aesthetic? Not for your one, but generally. We were like, how cool are girl groups? Girl groups are amazing. Girl groups are so cool. That is cool and can still work.

But boy? What are your thoughts on One direction disgusting remember how we didn't let harry in yeah yeah fat stan what are your thoughts on the backstreet boys yeah i just i never liked any of them really like justin perhaps um like even like so listen if you don't know this i listen to a lot of j-pop and k-pop and like j-pop is very different to k-pop k-pop is like it's an industry unlike any other music industry like these different huge corporations like breed entertainers and then put them together to create like the 2024's boy band of the year or whatever yeah and like the formula is just it's just like go to that boot fucking crazy yeah yeah become um whereas in japan it's a bit more like normal music like but it's just a genre instead

of like a weird lifestyle although like arguably not always but kind of but japan doesn't really have boy bands in that like i'm generalizing but like in the same way as k-pop does because they're fucking lame and boys would just be in a band not a boy band yeah but in k-pop you've really got like girl groups and boy groups and the boy groups are so lame they're lame. I would like to start a movement where we refer to all male bands as boy bands. We're like, oh, you like Nirvana? I also like that boy band. Metallica? Great boy band.

They're such a good boy band. Are the Beatles a boy band? Boy band. Yes, they were, weren't they, really? Well, all boy bands are boy bands. No, but they were like what a boy band was back in the 60s, really. Do you know what I mean? If they came up today, they would be a-

The duo. All right, I vote for the Beatles. Okay. Well, there you go. Boring. It's like you've never seen Aussie Bro Squad. Oh, my God. How did they even get into this conversation?

My favorite part of Aussie Bro Squad, can I say this now? Isn't a boy band, like they have to sing? Yes. What are you fucking talking about? She's doing a bit. We're living in a post-musicality era. Oh, shut up. Yeah, we've ruined it.

You say. You're going to say something. We broke Matt. Oh, my God. He's now being cruel to me. Save that rage for Zeldaelda moon where it belongs wow anyway yeah aussie bro squad has these white merch shirts that say aussie bro squad with like a gradient from like white to blue uh on there and then they have these like four like big-eyed little illustrations of them,

but the exact same illustration and the only difference is the hair. Ew! It's so good. Disgusting! I really want one of those disgusting T-shirts. Okay, well, I wouldn't want to put all of Big Bang in because. How many are in Big Bang? So there's five, but some of them are probo.

So we would just do GD and top. One of them was, oh, I don't know exactly, but he was like arrested or like convicted for like some like trafficking stuff. Like bad bad yeah like it was a fucking scandal scandalabra but um and this was your first choice no but just gd and top top is so hot he's incredible and gd is just like cool But they're both kind of like their era has really passed. It's like the 21 girls. Like even CL, you know, kind of isn't as relevant as she once was. But that is the K-pop model, you know?

You're in one day, you're out the other. I'd love to think about it. The shellier really holds on to its details. Australia really holds on to its devious. But I do think sometimes about how much CL would hate. What's her name? Reena. No.

Siriyama? Yeah, yeah, yeah. CL would fucking hate her because she is doing what CL couldn't do. Except that they came from different origins. But it's just, yeah, I feel CL is robbed of that prize of being the it global Asian bitch. Yeah. Because she is. But she's just never quite got there.

She might, but she's tried many times. Oh, she's probably, I don't know, like mid-30s. But she's done many attempts. To break into the Western market. True Western market. Well, you just have to break America, really. To like, you know. But that's really hard.

Yeah. And somehow, Rina kind of, you know. Well, she's from England. Yeah, but like's that's really hard yeah and somehow reena kind of yeah well she's from england yeah but like it's much easier to go from england to america even utada did like two english albums and tried to break through but didn't really that's why shakira will always be the top bitch coming through as like an esl queen true managed to dominate america for a short time um but it's so cool because like yeah utada did two english albums in like the 2000s and then like had all of her japanese stuff had the english stuff like even under even on spotify still it's under a different name it's like utada hikaru or

just utada yeah it's i don't know why but then on like her more recent albums, like particularly the last one, she was like, this is a true bilingual album and I will sing the bits in English that I think hit best in English and I'll sing the bits in Japanese that make the most sense in Japanese. Yeah. She's like, I just don't actually care anymore.

Like I'm making this music for me. So I'm going to do what works. It's for me. Anyway, so cool. Oh God. Hickey. Anyway. So what you want to put in these four? Oz Bro Squad.

Teenage. I call it Oz Bro Squad, but it's Aussie Bro Squad. But, you know. I like to brush it. The real bros, no. You can't just say Oz Bro Squad. What are their fans called? I guess we're just bros.

It's for early days of the family. Yuck Well baby I don't know what to tell you Us, bro squad So what, you want all four of them in? Yeah What are their names? I don't know

Twin one, twin two and the other two Okay I don't know It's early days of the fandom They're still figuring it out. I know that they like their trampoline, their awful dancing, their vaguely racist karate dance moves. Oh, Jesus.

But they're not human traffickers. I mean, the mother might be. But I feel like my recommendation is a little bit more tame. Oh, my God. GD and Top are cool. They're not proper. Well, they're friends with a human trafficker. Oh, my God.

Oh, gay. So, really? What do you mean? I mean, I don't have a better argument. I don't care. But I'm just loathe to ever think about them again. Can we just call them twin one, twin two, and the other two? Well, I think we make a rule where only one twin can be seen at a time.

Perfect. Like they can't all be out at once. And they only get one bed. No, is that weird? No, wait, no. They all have their own bed. I just made it because then three are hidden in the Murphy bed all day. No, I don't know.

I'm just thinking about things out loud. Not that I'm thinking about them quietly. No, no, no. I'm just thinking about things out loud. Not that I'm thinking about them quietly. Well, I think we should end this segment as quickly as possible. Thank you all so much for listening to this part. It's now over.

No, no, no. Oh, did you ever like... I hope people think that I'm like the top or whatever his name is. Oh, my God. What do you think about top and tail? Like sleeping top and tail? Yeah. Ooh, can I tell you? Yeah.

It was really hot in the summer and it was really hard to sleep with husband in bed. And one night we were like, let's sleep on top and tail tonight. And we did. It was actually lovely. That's all. Okay. That's cute. It was really lovely. That's all. Okay. That's cute. It was really fun.

Yeah, that's cute. And you, like, wake up to their feet and you go. Wow. Because the thing about Top and Tail is that the genitals are still in the same location. So, like, what? So, what's the issue? What's your problem? Well, I'm like, the system doesn't work. What was the issue? What's your problem?

Well, I'm like, the system doesn't work. What was the system devised for, Zelda Moon? Because. No fucking. You're top and tail. You think that that's why top and tail exist? I don't know. Why do you think top and tail exist? I don't.

When they're putting little girls to sleep in bed, they're like, no fucking tonight, you two. Top and tail. No, it's just so you have more head room. Okay. Because the feet take up less space. You can't come down into a little pin. Whereas if you have your shoulders and head. Yeah, yeah.

So you can kind of sleep in a single bed as two little kids. Okay. If you go top and tail. Top and tail, yeah, I see. Okay. Well, look. I don't know what to say. Wake up, sheeple.

Your genitals still match. You're going to accidentally Lego brick together tonight. You and your wife ever sleep top and tail, Matt? All the time. Yeah. No, I've been kicked out of our bed now. Is it official? Yeah. Is it because of the pod? I'm in the dog house. Oh. No, no, no kicked out of our bed now. Is it official? Yeah.

Is it because of the pod? I'm in the dog house. No, no, no. It's because- Your dog can afford a house in this economy? No, it's because my daughter has taken over my spot in the bed. Oh, you didn't go sleeping? Yeah.

Yep. So I sleep better. My partner doesn't. Matt, are you getting a divorce? No, it's all fine We agree to it It's working better for everyone That I've moved out of the room

I sleep in a race car Right Okay No, it's all fine Wait, what's your bed like now? I do have a floor bed It's kind of like a race car, actually. It's really like a bed.

Do you want me to describe my bed? Yeah, please. Okay, so. So many listeners would like that. So we got this bed frame from my partner's Italian parents. They bought this bed in Italy and had it shipped over when they bought it in the 70s or something. And it's kind of like it's made out of wood and it's got these, like, bendy wooden poles that kind of they're quite thick,

maybe like about 100 millimetres thick, like poles going all around the bed. I wish it would be specific. Well, you've got gotta imagine they're quite like strong and they're carved like into curvy it's kind of like what they thought the future would look like in the 70s that's cool so they they yeah it's like they carved this like curvy future floor bed and but now it just looks really crazy and weird and old. That's where I'm sleeping. So you can imagine.

70s future bed of Italy's past. Matt, go sleep in the future bed on the floor. My daughter and I, we don't need you here. You gave me what I needed. Child. She's been listening To this podcast For a minute now So she's gonna hear this

Hey What Live it up She's seen me Every time I see a child And I go The child Which gay people

If you're listening I encourage you Whenever your friends Introduce you to their child You go Let me see the child I guess I love Good

Bring the child To me That's love a good bring the child to me. That's good. I mean, if we could be nothing. She cried last time she was here. I want to be a fairy tale queen. Ah, child. I feel like that's what you base most of your drag off, isn't it? Yes.

Ah, beautiful skin, the color of milk. Hair the color of milk, hair the color of hay, eyes like little sours. Okay. Yeah. Well, bro squad. Aussie bro squad to you. You did it.

You made it into the manga. What's happening with them? No. They're opening for Beyonce at the Super Bowl. Yuck. Yuck. No. They're opening for Beyonce at the Super Bowl. Yuck.

They blast them out of the same hole in the floor that Michelle and. But the twins have to what? Share a hole? Oh, my God. Zelda, the police are on their way. They've been called. There's only three holes But the three Destiny's children

Turn into this hole Help Kelly and Michelle Kelly? Yeah Kelly Rowland Oh, Kelly Rowland I was like

Oh my god, there's three girls in Destiny's Child So there's three holes that they pop out of But there's four bros There's only two holes There's three Well, Beyonce was already on stage We were doing three We could do four

No, no, no, because they're the Destiny's Child holes They're not the bro holes Oh my god You're sick No You're actually sick They're actually all in their mid-twenties That's the new rule

They're not That's the rule How would their mother still be taking care of them? That would be weird Oh my gosh, this is weird Okay Oh Jesus Okay

What? Next Goodbye be weird okay oh jesus okay what next goodbye the twin cheryl Hello, listener, and welcome back. Hello. Balete to you all. Oh, and can I just say? Yeah. Sulekno to you. Sulekno.

Oh, okay. Lazy Susan, won't you tell us yes i will stop a kiss i don't know if you ever stumble on this side of like american renovation tiktok but like americans are weirdly obsessed with having his and her sinks oh yeah you know and i'm like yeah when have i ever felt like i needed two things like a line for the sink? Yeah. Like what? This thing that you use for maybe like, I don't know, 10 minutes a day max. Yeah.

Like what if there's a crossover in those timings? You're ridiculous. You're crazy. Also like going to bed at the literal exact time. Also it's fun to share the sink. It got me thinking about these weird elements of like those disgusting, tacky American homes. So this is kind of a subcategory of our ugly items.

Oh, yeah. What disgusting, tacky thing that you see in home renovations in America or in Australia do you think should come into the bunker? Ooh. I'm thinking things like shiplap walls. I'm thinking things like basements, like, you know, the basement doors. I'm thinking things like press-on subway tiles that come in sticker sheets. Or like barn doors for your pantry. Exactly.

Yuck. Little, like, slow easement door closes. Yes. I hate those. If I want to slam a drawer, I need to slam a drawer. Yeah. Do you think Elizabeth Taylor would have survived if she wasn't able to? Anyway.

I don't think she would have. So I guess like, I don't know what I'm going to put in the description for this, but like ugly things too. The house version. Yeah. Ugly home edition. Yeah. Okay. Ugly home edition. Yeah. Okay.

Ugly home edition. Yeah. So it has to be used in renovations. Renovations. Like, you know, like home interior design. Although there is this woman on TikTok that I'm obsessed with. This woman. She's a scientist.

She can do no wrong. No, she's a home interior decorator. But her whole job is like people send her their like spaces as floor maps if you're familiar and she designs the optimal flow to get everything they want out of the room and have it feel correct and she is so good this pristine reese witherspoon would play her yeah but she's like i always allow an easement of 1.5 meters to allow through any space. This is the points of travel. This is where I'll be putting this.

As you can see, we have low windows in this corner of the room. So we can't put furniture up against those walls. This is quite a large room. So we'll need to divide it into several pieces. And she is so good. She's like, a lot of what about working with a client is not about giving what you want. People often make the mistake of thinking interior designers are trying to push their own style. Whereas that is not the case.

What we want is to create a space that works for you and your things. Incredible. What's that show that I hate to watch on Netflix? Which one? Oh, those awful moments. Yeah. What's that show that I hate to watch on Netflix? Which one? Oh, those awful Mormons. Yeah. What's that called? Home Style Makeover.

Yeah. Home Makeover. Netflix have, listen, this disgusting home renovation show about these two Mormons? Mormons. In Salt Lake City. In Salt Lake City. And they have this, like like fucking home house building interior design empire.

And the show has gone for many seasons. And every time it comes out, I binge watch it in like two days. They are. Dream Home Makeover. Yes. Oh my God. Okay. And they.

They are the dad. So like, it's also like faux also faux about me and my family. But also, I have a life and I'm kind of... I'm just trying to have a life. Studio McGee is her design firm. And she's very kind of girlboss vibe, which is great. But she is a fucking demon. She's actually a monster. She's, oh my God.

But the husband is like. You have to watch this. But the husband. Skeleton with a flesh suit stretched over. Yes. He's very hot and very depressed. I didn't say that. He is.

He's not hot. His teeth are like trying to crawl out of his skull. He's not hot. His teeth are like trying to crawl out of his skull. He's really hot. But he kind of is kind of so like the dynamic between these two people is just a sight to behold. They hate each other. They hate each other. And they have like three kids. And they have three kids, all daughters, I think, which are fine, I guess.

Today we'll be making a new princess room studio for my littlest but they do renovations for people that are just so disgustingly generic and have no soul they also reflect nothing about the people that they're designing for oh my god it's just wild and then you watch at the end when the people go into their space and like oh wow thank you so much but they're lying it's all awful anyway they're not lying it's just that yeah and they've become so famous i hate it studio mcgee obviously like they got a show on netflix is one thing but like they show up on mood boards yeah like a shitty basic bitch house more than you care to remember because it's lots of like,

here are driftwood tones with like a granite countertop and gold fixtures. And you're like, I will kill myself. Also, every single kitchen has one of those like sink spouts that like extends so they can do that thing. It's like, you don't need to do that thing and they also have the the pot tap yes yeah where it's like i couldn't possibly transfer this pot from this giant fucking sink a meter to my left yeah i need a tap so i can fill up my lobster buckets they're fucking insane anyway yeah like and they have those kitchen islands galore. Oh, my God.

But do recommend. It's incredible. But, yeah, very dank Americana home. Yeah. But famously, the interior design trend that I, oh, maybe I've softened on it, but I always hated the ice block walls. Oh, like ice bricks. Yeah.

Like clear, like glass bricks. I don't like that. It's so, like, 80s. I do like that bricks. Yeah. Like clear, like glass bricks. I don't like that. It's so like 80s. I do like that 80s aesthetic. I love. Like if you could see a spa and it has a wall of those tiles. Oh, I love that. I always hated it growing up.

I've softened to it a little bit. I've softened to the 80s, listener. Yeah. But, ooh, it's just so 80s. That's because that's when you're from, so it's, like, it's a bit hard when you're, like, triggered by that experience. Okay. Growing up in the 80s.

Yeah, right. You know? Which I didn't do. Okay, listener. Okay. Ooh. Hot soap. Are there any of those that are, what?

Heart soap in the bathroom. A little bucket of potpourri. Hot soap? No, heart soap. Oh, heart soap. Heart-shaped soap. Do you know what I miss that doesn't seem to exist anymore? Those, like, little plastic, they were like filled with like essential oils.

And they were like the shape of like a starfish and a seahorse. Oh my God. And they were like bubbles. And like when you put them in water, the seemingly plastic wrapper would dissolve and let the oils out into the bath. It was such a, like it was like, there was like three categories of bath time thing. There was like a liquid bath bomb. Yeah. There was like a liquid bath bomb. Yeah. There was like an actual bath bomb.

And then there was this. Yeah. And where have they gone? The boba of the bath world. Not that I would ever put anything in my bath, but. You're just a water gal. It's got to be water. I mean.

You got to have bubbles. No. The second you add bubbles to that bath, say goodbye to going under. Going under. And since I said the code word for today, it's your time, lucky winner. No. When you can't go under because then you get the suds in your eyes. I hate suds in my eyes.

Don't you wear goggles? I wear goggles. Protect your eyes from everything. And you can see under the water Yeah, but to be fair, that is your bed as well You've got to sleep in your room To get the goggles on Just a pillow in the bath But the water gets cold

You don't have to fill up the tub Oh my Okay, so I said it before, but I hate barn doors as anything except for barn doors. What about a wagon wheel on a wall? Oh, I don't like that. Actually. My dad has a window wagon wheel and he's got like a farm property.

I think it's acceptable. It's got like stained glass in between each spoke. Oh, but it is. Built into the wall. Truly like wagon wheel themed. Wagon wheel with two seats. Yeah, it's pretty. Yeah, it's kind of like tacky, rustic look.

But he's in the, like, there are things I'll put up within a country home. That is different. That's a different set of rules. In a city home. I'd never like a porthole, like a little up high in a little triangle roof. Yeah. A little circle hole. No.

A window. What's a window I can't look out of? A skylight. I love a skylight. But that's got like a frosted finish. Not always. Which also, why does it have that? It doesn't always.

It's a choice. No one can peep in. The roof people. It's also that if it's one above you through the roof, then if a bird shits on a frosted glass. I've seen the patterns of your mealtime. What? If a bird shits on your roof or water damage shows up or whatever,

it becomes less distracting if there's frosted versus clear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like clear becomes very mucky. See, clear is good because then when T-Rex drops a goat leg, you see it. My room, when I moved rooms in my old, like my childhood home, it had a skylight in it and it was awful. Why? Because it was like you couldn't cover it.

Yeah. And so you'd wake up in the middle of the night and there'd be this eerie like glow in the room from the roof. From the UFO hovering over you. Yeah. I was watching you from the corner. It was awful. Oh, no.

I'm in the corner. Such a little. Song's just deeper tonight. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. She's not lazy, doesn't she? She's getting bored. She just starts singing little snippets of songs.

I hope you're enjoying. We can't afford the rights to this episode. And they're going to detect it immediately because of how much I sound like, the original track. Okay. What are you like out of these things? What a disgusting thing. I mean, I just like the of these things? What disgusting thing. I mean, I just like the rise of knickknackery.

I am quite partial to like room decor like things. Like I think it's really funny when there's like a canvas of an elk looking at the camera or like a beach that's being windswept with like a nude pine frame and a small like sunken area around it. I think that's fabulous. I hate that. What about a board that says, God bless this maze? Oh, I like that. What about a disgusting vase in a corner with sticks coming out of it?

Yeah, the rise of sticks. Just twigs in a vase. That someone's of it. Yeah, the rise of sticks. Just twigs in a vase. That someone's paid for. They bought those. Sometimes they're spray painted, like gold or white or something. Or white. White people are obsessed with white. Bleached.

Oh. Bleached. A nice suggestion, Sulaing Yorbol. Yeah. So it's just kind of more like stuff you put in your house that's tacky I don't know Well, no, this is like It's a home renovation spectacular

We've gone astray Well, but you know what? A painting is part of It's the final touch So that's more interior design, no? Which is part of a fucking renovation, I will hear no words Oh, yeah, but you can take that down I think it should be stuff that is incorporated into the house.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. Otherwise you're going a bit too far off, aren't you? You're right, Matt. Lazy is out of control. Like carpet in the bathroom. You know what I mean? I would love that. It's like tacky faux pas.

Well, I'm not saying it's a faux pas. We're not here to judge these people. We never would. What's a faux pas. Well, I'm not saying it's a faux pas. We're not here to judge these people. We never would. What's a faux pas for you? Like it should be something that you hate but you like. Do you know what I hate low-key that is part of a renovation that I really actually hate? The cast?

You devil. You devil. I saw it and I took it. You just, you grand slam, knock it out of the park. How many renovations have you done? My life is constant. Yeah, her face is constantly going. What?

Zelda. You can't. This is being recorded, you know. Oh, my God. What do you hate? You. You? No, I hate underfloor heating.

Ooh, yuck. It's eerie. Why does the building have the skin of a warm fucking beast? It's got a fucking heartbeat. Yes. I don't want that. Yuck. I'd rather.

How do you think I've ever walked on an underfloor heating floor? I'm sorry. I don't live in a mansion like you. Wow, Matt, you're really coming out swinging on this one. I'm just trying to do the job of a producer, you know, because you don't have one, obviously. Producing disarray, more like. Yeah, underfloor heating is so foul yeah that's yuck and just i

would rather know the truth of the material you put down slate this is how slate feels honey fucking cold if you want something that's got blood in it then put down many people yeah live in a gutted elephant live if you want warm walls want warm walls. Live inside of that. Like, what? Yuck. I love ducted heating. Ooh. We used to do so many fabulous things without ducted heating. Oh, like crouch over it with a towel so it made a little pillow of warm air.

Yeah, but we'd put like a whole blanket. Oh, that's so good. And then it would puff up into a big igloo of heat. I love that. And then you put all your Easter eggs on there and kind of cook them up. Okay. And then you'd like lift off the vent and put things down there. When toys would fall down and you had to reach into the crevasse.

No, we kept things down there intentionally, like with Shawshank. Scary. I love that. What if you went to get it three days later and it wasn't there? That's scary. I love that. What if you went to get it three days later and it wasn't there? That's scary. I miss it. I miss having heating in my house. Yeah, me too.

You can never go back. You can never go home again. Is it too kind if we put ducted heating into the bunker? Well, it's not really tacky, is it? It is kind of. Yeah. It's just like practical though, is it? It is kind of. Yeah. It's just like practical. And I love the little sliding thing.

Why would I want that closed? Yeah, but the circle. I did close mine a lot because they actually get really dried out. It's too much. Is that why you're so dry? Well, I need like air from the I need like the air from the outside. I love air from the outside. Should we put that in the bunker?

Where do you think the air from the ducted heating comes from? Maybe. No, because it goes through a fucking machine, Matt. Jesus. Get off my fucking dick. You know what I hate about ducted heating, though, is when the pilot light goes out and you have to go under the house to relight the pilot light.

I don't know. I was never a little chimney sweep as a child. Oh, it was so scary. You did that? Yeah. Why did no one else do that? Well, because sometimes it was my turn. Why are we doing turns?

He drew the short straw. Did I ever take you under the house at the Rye House? No, you didn't take me to your crawl space, John Wayne Gacy. No. Okay. We had, like, workshops under the house and stuff. Workshops? Yeah.

We had two. Workshop one and workshop two. We used to play under the house a lot. I thought you meant you were running workshops. No. Like, where my dad would make furniture. I don't know. What are you running under there?

We're running a, I don't know, self-identity workshop today. Basket weaving. Yeah, we used to play under the house a lot. But it was all just stones. It was just rocks and dirt. Oh, ours was just dirt. Quite dusty. Yeah, very dusty.

I think I'm probably going to die or something because of how much dust I would have been eating back then. But the cats would always be under there and be like, oh, Wednesday, what are you doing here? Wednesday? Yeah. But then. I was about to critique him for being such a cliche cat name. Ninja? Our cat was called Felix.

Yeah. Okay. When Zambu. That's so good. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So what?

Ducted heating. Yeah. Okay. How many vents? One in every room? Yeah. Well, maybe you should choose what style of vents they had Like a nice like gold

Oh Well I think yeah In the inspiration of those disgusting Mormons Let's do like brass or something foul Ew Like yeah Because what I want in my heart is like beige, but it's like yellowed. Because that's.

Is that what you had in your house? Yeah. Ours were like made of metal. Ooh, no, ours were plastic. Like, and like, you could, they were just like gray metal. When we got new carpet, we got new things to match the carpet. And they were like a navy blue metal to match the navy-ish blue carpet. And I hated them. It's like, you've changed.

I want the old ones back. I don't like change. I don't like them. But, oh, what? And, but yeah, I think like it would be quite disgusting to have like a, wow, this is the, whoa, those are so nice. Fucking little brass fucking ducted heating. Yuck.

Okay, perfect. Every room. Okay. Gorgeous. But where's the pilot light? Out in the abyss. Out in the like. Yeah, at the bottom of the abyss.

No, I mean, sorry, upstairs. I mean, out of the bunker, like with Benjamin Salisbury. Yeah, kicked out. You have to go out into the wilderness. You have to go out, yeah, to relight the pilot light. Ooh. Potentially face up against all those wrestlers. Like what is that?

What do you mean? Like there's just an ever-burning fire in your basement? Yeah, you've never been to the shrine of remembrance the country's pilot light that's so crazy yeah yeah oh the anzacs had to relight it they were the brave ones anyway pilot lights that's crazy no wonder houses burn down what you think they burn down because of the fucking pilot land? I don't know. I'm not an engineer or whatever. That much is obvious. You're a podcaster.

Yeah. When would you feel comfortable saying that you're a podcaster as your, like, identity? My identity? Yeah. When I quit my job. Like, if you made enough money from this podcast to fund your life. The thought that we've made literally any money from this podcast to fund your life the thought that we've made literally any money from this is quite a good joke so if you would i guess we'd have to make

say we wanted to make a hundred thousand dollars a year we'd have to make each yeah yeah we'd have to make three hundred thousand dollars a year to pay for yeah okay yeah twenty thousand for matt yeah sixty thousand for expenses yeah 60,000 for expenses. 20,000 for Lash Glue. $100,000 each. Yeah, that's good. Then I'd be a podcastress. I'm a professional podcastress.

Okay, well that'll do. Until then. Enjoy your ducted heating, Mel B. Wineth will complain because she gets a bit dry. She gets a bit dry. She's dry. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Welcome back to the pod everyone hello lazy what's happening over there i'm just reading this little notes of things and i always forget to bring up i have written down prank miss jay oh yeah miss jay famous Melbourne drag queen Yeah Famous for telling people At circuit No vaping No vaping And she Is not in Melbourne At the moment

Yeah But she will be back But on April Fool's Day If that gives you a context Of how long ago this happened She posted

About how She had been Deported From Melbourne And wouldn't be coming back. Wait. That was April Fool's joke? Bitch.

Oh, my God. Bitch. What? Bitch. And I'd heard from other people joking now, I realize, that Miss J had been deported. Oh, my God. She had not been deported, but that didn't stop me on that day from sending her a really nice message about how she was, like,

such a fabulous voice in the Melbourne drag scene, how I thought she was incredible. Oh, my God. And how I'm so sad that we won't have her anymore. She never replied. Oh! I mean, that's very her, which is quite funny very funny um i was under the impression that she had been deported she really that was a joke i believe so wow yeah okay well i you know

the truth is out there famously it's in's in here, bitch. She wasn't deported. Wow. So embarrassing. That's amazing. I hate myself. Oh, my God. Okay. It's time for us to decide which chess piece is going into the bunker.

I'm so glad someone finally. Finally. Because it's not, oh, I don't know. It's not the king, that's for sure. Is that the one with the cross on the top? Yes. That's cool. Move one space at a time. Oh, we're talking abilities as well.

Grow up. Oh, we're talking abilities? Yeah. Okay. Boo. So you've got the rook. Yeah. Which is a little castle.

Yeah. Then you've got the knight, which is the horse. The horse, yeah. Which can go in a little L shape. One left or right. Ooh. And then you've got the bishop. The bishop.

Which can do. Diagonal. Right. Yeah. And then you've got the. You don't seem impressed by the bishop. The king, who's all stumpy. But important.

The most, perhaps. Is he? Well, the king's how you win or lose. Oh, I thought the queen was. No. So gay. That's not how I play in. But the queen, speaking of being gay, the queen fucking does it all.

Well, that's the thing. She's the diva bitch. I think that that's what I think is fabulous about the game of chess. Because it's the king is so neutered yeah and the king the queen can do everything well she is oh yeah it's very macbeth sure but she can't do the fucking horse move theed in. And what about the pawns? Oh, the pawns. Little two-step and then one-step. And that's chess for everyone.

Yeah. If you didn't know how to play, that's it. General design as well. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But both are quite important. Yeah. What we won't be deciding is whether it's a black or a white piece. They're marbled.

Yeah. Yeah, good, good. Good save. Okay, good. Okay, girlfriend. You pitch. Oh, I just don't know. They all have their charms except for the king.

Why don't you like the king? I love that little cross on top. The cross is fabulous, but the stumpy little moves and like the weak escape, it's so slow. Ew. Actually, like people have taught me how to play chess a few times. I have no fucking idea what's going on there. You didn't play chess much?

Oh. Okay. Yeah, me neither. Wait, are you good at chess? Oh, no. But I like chess. I used to play chess in high school. Were you in chess club?

Yeah. I'm going to steal your fucking lunch money, you little bitch. Oh, my God. But so growing up, I loved the horse. Oh, that's so good i agree but as i got older oh my god you're speaking to my heart right now oh yeah as i got older i transitioned into really being into the bishop all those diagonal moves and they kind of because the bishop can kind of like to me it kind of it's the real sneak

attack because it's gonna slide in between where you think there's a solid wall but not on the diagonal that's good the castle you know what it's i and but straight up and down yeah but the castle's design quite good although i love that downward slant in the bishop's mouth. I think that's weird. It is weird. But how does that look like a bishop? Oh, it doesn't. Does it kind of have the bishop hat?

Not really. Okay. How good? I do like rook, saying rook. Yeah. You know, rook. Can I say it? Rook.

You say it. Rook. Matt, you say it. Rook. You say it. Rook. Matt, you say it. Rook. Rook. I can't say that. What? You're not allowed.

What? Rook. Okay. That was good. Matt, what do you think? Rook is my favourite. Oh. So I always called it the castle.

Rook, me too. Because you're Bergens. Oh, right. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I was a chess nerd. I would like sit in at lunchtime.

Yeah. Were you good at chess? I wasn't as good as the boy in my class called Lex. He was really good at chess, yeah. Short for Alex? I think so. His family was Polish, so he was, like, very smart. Famously, everyone from Poland is...

He was, like, that only child. He had Game Boys. He had really thick glasses, you know, like magnifying glass glasses. And he was really good at chess. Yeah, and me and him would play all the time. What's he doing now? Because he didn't like playing in the playground. Yeah, that's scary.

What's he doing now? I don't know. We've lost touch. Sad. Sounds like you were out of touch back then as well. But I wasn't as good as him, but I got quite good because he was really good. Yeah, you're only as good as the person you beat. Yeah, I'd have to like up my game a lot.

I was watching that Jane Krakowski clip from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where she's like, beat two eggs at what? That's good. Yeah. Yeah, maybe the rook. Okay. The rook Wait so are we devising a chess club Where you just get those pieces

We don't We're not playing chess Well it's a whole board just of rooks Oh Well yeah I think it's gotta be like the board It'd be like an after school care version of a chess board Where they're like why is there only two pieces Yeah

Oh that's good Yeah They just battle I kind of love them all Fucking A where we're like, why is there only two pieces? Oh, that's good. They just battle. I kind of love them all. Fucking A. And I love the little pattern on that board. Checkerboard.

That's good. That's good. And I also love- That might be the thing from the previous round that we could put in a kitchen. Yeah, the kitchen floor and the chairs. Ooh, I do love that. Ooh, a kitchen with black and white tiles. That's so cool.

But also, like, H1. Or like the code. Rook to H12. Yeah. I mean, I would never play like that. But the computer did. Oh, God. Okay. But, ooh, I mean, the queen never play like that, but the computer did. Oh, God. Okay.

But, ooh, I mean, the queen's a bit obvious. The queen's a bit. Okay. She does it all. It's a bit on the nose. And she's a bit of an overachiever. Like she unbalances the law. Because what about when you're playing chess against someone and they get to the end, like they get a pawn to the other side and they're like, well, I want a fucking army

of horses and you turn it into a horse instead of a queen. That's good. Wait, you can change a pawn into something else? If it gets all the way to the other side, you can bring back a piece that you've lost. No. Oh, no, you can just make up, but you can turn it into any piece. If you get a pawn all the way to the other side, you can bring back a piece that you've lost. No. Oh, no, you can just make up it. You can turn it into any piece.

If you get a pawn all the way to the other side, baby, she turns into whatever your heart desires. Except for another king. So it could be a queen. You can get many queens. Shit, I didn't know this. I didn't know this was happening in the game. Maybe I never learned the rules of chess.

That's why perhaps pawn should be in. Because she won't be transforming. You already got a pawn in the game. Maybe I never learned the rules of chess. That's why perhaps porn should be in. Because she won't be transforming. But. What about like a giant chess piece of a horse? Oh, I hate that. That would be really cool. You should work for city planning because they are right on board. Oh, my God.

You know that big chess board? That could be part of the tacky decor as right on board. Oh, my God. You know that big chess board? That could be part of the tacky decor as well. Yeah. Oh, my God. A bachelor pad loves a giant chess board. Chess is so- I have one in my room. It's all right.

No, we have some checkerboard flooring. Yeah. And then a giant horse piece. Do you know what I am partial to is maybe there is one giant piece and then it's like that alice in wonderland or the prisoner style thing where like the game of chess is played but with the people of the bunker as the pieces yeah and they're like a very a woman like i don't know in harry potter book one well i, I was like in Harry Potter book one, but also like in The Prisoner where they're sitting on like high chairs

with like those opera glasses and they're like, Rook to E12. And then they watch as the people like get murdered. Oh, Alice in Wonderland is also in that. Yes. But maybe that if we put in one piece and then we had a room that was a giant chessboard. It doesn't have to be a whole room.

It could just be an underlay of the floor. Well, the people will start to create a revolution, I feel like, if they don't have some sort of blood sport to watch. Yeah, it could be a blood sport. They've got laser tag. That's testing. That's the trial. Well, no, they never get to play because you either There's not enough blood in there

Die in the trial or you Or is it real lasers? Is it real lasers or is it just I don't know, we didn't clarify that No, it's laser tag, that's the sport With lasers? No Are they cutting people up?

Like are you getting blasted? Have you been to Dark Zone? They're not cutting people up there Okay, okay, they're just like. No, that's what I'm saying. We need a blood sport. Yeah. So the people don't get too. Blood sport.

Like rollerball. Rollerball. Okay. Gladiators. The other thing I love about the bishop is so tall. I really kind of resonated with that. And that little nipple on the top of its head. Little boop.

That's good. I don't know. I think like. And sometimes the castle would not have like a real castle design. And I hate that. Sometimes it would be a little like Maggie Simpson or whatever. But like imagine being at the top of that little castle in the little bit up top. Wait until you find out about Warhammer.

You're going to love it. That's fun. But yeah. What do you think i think i think blood sport i think we have one piece and then we have everyone else be the pieces and then we blood sport them i think the horse because it's it's the most iconic chess piece No, to me the horse is cliche Like she is Oh, too cliche Yeah I don't My intention here was not to let people play chess

Just one chess piece goes in Just one chess piece It's just like You can go on a shelf in the library Remember chess? This was from the before times Okay, well in that case If we're not going to have a blood sport ring

where they turn people into chess pieces. We can do which blood sport next week. Okay. You're right. You're right. You're right. You've set it out. I understand what you say.

You want to knick-knack. Yes. To sit on a shelf. Yeah. And do nothing. Correct. And not in the storyline of this, but there. Yeah.

Okay, good. Okay, good. So then I say a porn porn i like a porn maybe a porn if all it needs to serve to do is then its moves are not consequential because it will never be played for its moves again it is a knickknack it is an object an object and i like the symmetry of the porn. Quite smooth. And the smoothness. Yeah. And it's a bit like understated as well. Everyone else has so much going on.

I'm a queen for the people. Okay. Do you hear the people sing, singing the songs of angry men? And the porn is the proletariat. Okay. The working class. But she has the ability to transform that's why it's mystique's favorite piece yeah rebecca romaine oh my god but this porn shan't be transforming she's a porn what if she makes it to the end no well i suppose she did make it to the end she's in the bunker maybe that's the thing oh my god imagine if there was she did make it to the end. She's in the bunker. Maybe that's the thing.

Oh, my God. Imagine if there was a pawn that got to the end of chess and was like, I still want to be a pawn. I love me for who I am. You know what I mean? Like, you are the princess of Shinovia. Like, you are always that girl. True.

And you know what else is great? When you're actually playing chess and your porn is advanced and they can go under the radar and then you get a diagonal you know win knock someone off on the little diagonal porn move that's hard because people don't think about the porn that's right and it's too late that That's right. Ooh. Okay. Porn. Porn. Gorgeous. And that rounds it out. Incredible.

This week, listener, in the bunker, we have three fucking new all-stars. We have an opening act for the Super Bowl performance starring Beyonce, Kelly Rowling, and Michelle Williams. Which is Aussie Bro Squad. Jesus Christ. There will only be one twin scene at a time. Squad. Jesus Christ. There will only be one twin scene at a time. Good. In public. Yeah.

But the two twins will share the same hole. Question number two is the... Sorry, trivia took over. We've installed some... Discussing copper air vents. And then number three, a porn on a shelf in the library. The first piece of knickknackery that we've ever added to the bunker. Maybe, yeah. Okay.

Cool. Ooh, that's good. Now, listener, I hope to see you in just a few days' time at the Live show. Live! This weekend. And we'll also see you on the Patron Yes Alright, listener, do take care, won't you?

Take care of yourself, you look well Unwell Sallow Do you think it's true that if you eat too many carrots you turn orange? Yes Yeah, I used to do that I used to eat two carrots at recess and two carrots at lunch That's why you're so rich.

Natural tan. You look very orange right now. The light is red. Okay. Well, goodbye. Goodbye. Death to Everyone was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Shears. Our theme song and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie.

You got something to say to us? Then email us at deathtoeveryonepod at gmail.com. music was provided by edie centric and angus leslie you got something to say to us then email us at death to everyone pod at gmail.com and won't you support us please by buying tickets to our show this weekend death to everyone live bye Thank you.