Death To Everyone - Death To... Celebrity S*x Tapes, Crimes & Trinkets From A Woman's Shelf

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling soo much more apocalyptic. This week your two personal etherial goddesses discuss the much maligned new era of Katy Perry and her world of women. Dive into the fierce debate surrounding flat circles and of course hit the hot topic of plane seats. Follow us, won't you? ⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com/ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103/

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 TEN TO EVERYONE 🎵 🎵 ESPECIAL YUM 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 YUM 🎵 Hello out there. Hello. Hello. How are you?

How are you? No, you. How are you? Why? Why? Why? Calm down. Stop yelling at me. I'm not the one that made your life like this.

You're the one that made your life like this, listener. Not like this. I didn't choose that outfit. I'm kidding. You don't know what listener wears. Listener loves to wear a long slinky hat Hat? And some shoes

I was looking at long slinky skims Things that just came out this week It's peculiar how simple clothing can cost so much money Well, yeah, if you're part of the Kim K Empire Yeah But you know what? People will buy it Simple clothing can cost so much money Well, yeah, if you're part of the Kim K Empire Oh Yeah But you know what? People will buy it Hopefully

I don't want Kim to go hungry True That would be such a problem Hello Welcome back to Death to Everyone A podcast about two celestial goddess drag queens And their space car driver Who are deciding what goes into the bunker for the end of times to survive the impending apocalypse and be spared for the future of society yes those toenail clippers really needed

to be saved they did um please check back on previous episodes for any references you might miss uh but if it's all the same to you, listener, we shall proceed now. Yes, if that's okay. With this episode. Yeah. We're going to quick... You've caught up? Okay, great.

And who are you? I'm Lazy Susan. Hello. Melbourne renowned drag queen. And who are you? I'm Zelda Moon, A sometimes known Melbourne drag queen You're from Melbourne? You're crazy

And how's your week been Zelda? You look refreshed, revitalized Yeah So good I had such a fabulous week in my regular day job Everything was so smooth and positive From Monday to Friday it was just a fantastic week then um you know what riveting content we've been working on our taxes oh my god Oh my God. And I, turns out, owe quite a bit of money to the old tax department.

They love it. But you know what? This is a good record that we do pay taxes. Yeah. Yeah. So eat that. Yeah. I know some of you in the audience thought we were living the high life.

Yeah. Wow. Pablo Escobar over here, but no. My question to you, listener, is, does anyone know what the minimum repayment amount for a tax payment plan is? Can I pay them $10 a fortnight? Is that allowed? And what kind

of paper do you think you'll use on your suicide note? You know what? I will burn the edges and I'll tea diet, so it's kind of like a beautiful script. You'll never find my body unless you follow this set of riddles. Yes. Yeah.

Might as well, you know, go out with a bang. Oh, gun? No. Okay. What else happened? Had a great hookup on Friday night. Oh, good for you. So good.

Who was that? Just like a repeat offender Just like Like a criminal He like I've been I don't know Maybe like a year sleeping with this guy And like we're at the point where he'll like come over

Am I hearing wedding bells? Maybe like grunt a hello Have sex for like three hours Fall grunt a hello have sex for like three hours fall asleep wake up and have sex again and he might say like bye when he like he's in love with you just like he's like he's he speaks english but like he's from columbia um but he's not like the most confident speaker But like we've had conversations But we're at the point now where he's just like Post verbal

We're not really here to chit chat are we Not here to fuck spiders So he just doesn't Not here to fuck spiders, he's here to fuck you Oh well I'm so proud of you And it was fabulous Oh that's quite nice There's something quite like

Spiritual about that. Like, nice. Yeah. And then, oh, the other fantastic thing that happened in my week was we had two season finales. We had The Boys season four, and we had The Acolyte. Wow. It's all over.

Yeah. And what happened to The Boys in the end? The Boys, they're fucked. Oh, well. Oh, it's not working out for The Boys. Wow It's all over Yeah And what happened to the boys in the end? The boys They're fucked Oh well Oh Better luck next time boys It's not working out for the boys

Yeah It's a real issue What streaming platform is that on? It's on Prime Prime Yeah So they cancelled that subscription Literally

As soon as the episode ended Well you do have a huge tax bill to pay That's true Do you think you could live off Just the free streaming platforms? No. Because I was on SBS On Demand, and it's so good. Yes, but it doesn't have House of the Dragon.

Oh, no. You'll never find out what happens in the thrilling Dragon House. I assume that's like Tila Tequila's new show. No. Nikitaquila's new show no nikita dragon's but um i don't know we'll revise like if we ever dare talk about the acolyte i don't know my opinions since i last spoke about it on this pod um for the three listeners who are interested um yeah like my opinions have softened but overall it was not my favorite style was content to date i still think that cariann moss was grossly underused um and i thought that seeing the fucking kyber crystal change color

side of the lightsaber change you know bleeding of the kyber crystal so it was so lame it was so much better like knowing that that's how it happens but you don't have to like so much of the acolyte is like we don't need to see that i did enjoy seeing plagiarism of course but um like seeing the so listener and lazy sus, judging by this perplexed look, when a Jedi falls and they pick up the lightsaber and touch the crystal and they're so angry and it turns red and then the lightsaber turns red. That's how, you know, the Sith get their red, you know, signature color. And it's called bleeding the kyber crystal.

And it's really fucking lame. And now we've seen it in live action and it's equally lame. Just like, I need to see that. Don't you agree? I deeply agree. I always wondered where the colors came from. Well, and then I presume your next question is, well, can you change it back?

Sure. Yeah. And of course we have seen that. That's why Ahsoka's are white, because she's purified the red Sith crystals. But we still don't know whose lightsabers she purified. But also fucking, like, the saturation point makes everything less interesting and cool. The saturation point makes everything less interesting and cool.

Even like to a boring level of like Ahsoka's like two lightsabers, like one, the short saber, dah, dah, dah. Because then all of a sudden what's his face and Acolyte is doing the same thing. Yeah.

It's like, well, if everyone's doing this grip style, no longer special to one character, we got a fucking lightsaber whip. Yeah. I haven't said anything about that I spoke about it on my blog and it just

it's too much also just a terrible name for a show Acolyte, I hate that it should be called Star Wars Another Story I mean I want something, how about this it's Star Wars, another story. I mean. I want something.

How about this? It's Star Wars High School and you get a letter and you all go to Star Wars High and you learn how to be a Star War. And it's kind of mostly about drama and gossip. They recycle a lot of Gossip Girl scripts. But they have lightsaber battles and they all dress in fabulous clothes. Some of them are, you know, Twi'lek. Yeah. Yeah.

Kurjan is down from Darwin at the moment, and we were watching some fabulous entertainment on Stan, the one that we subscribed to. And we watched a bit of Monster High, the movie, which was released in 2022 and shot in Romania, I assume. Wait, it's live action? Yes. What?

And I'm obsessed because former guest of the pod, Gabriella Labucci, over the course of a month, her and her, what do you call it? what do you call it um a romantic life uh partner sheridan sky um if they're listening hello i love you both um but they became like huge mega fans of monster high within a month and like have filled their house with new monster idols i presume because they watched Pappanatelier on YouTube. Obviously. Obviously. And I was like, I need to know. Because every time I was seeing these dolls pop up, I was like, I just need to know more. And in the movie, they go to Monster High. And the girl, the main girl, who's the werewolf, is named Claudine. Claudine Wolf.

And then she meets a bunch of other gals or non-binary pals at the school, like Draculaura, whose name is Draculaura and her dad is Dracula. And then there's Frankie Stein, who is a non-binary student, which is fabulous. Representation matters. It does. And is only two weeks old. And then, oh, so many.

Cleo, who's like a mummy. Oh, they're so chic. Yeah. Yeah, that's all. And it's so stupid. Is it set up for round two? Are we getting Monster High 2? I think it's already come out.

Oh. Honey, we're not wasting time writing scripts. We're just putting the context in and seeing what comes out. And yeah, one of the hot guys is a gorgon. He's got snake hair like Medusa. That's good. Anyway, what a fabulous world. I kind of think we should take the top layer of culture,

get rid of all the a properties like we have to delete from from the culture like star wars simpsons uh harry potter like everything that's like the top tier the game of thrones and then be left with only the things that we're vaguely trying to imitate them you want percy jackson yes the lightning thief um yeah fuck that's it's just when if we had to subsist on that like if you were raising your children like that's right we can only go and see it's funny is that is this true or is this a lie that at the movies like if you go to hoyts all movies cost the same uh-huh you think it should be quality based imagine because some video like video games will be released at

different price points like back in the day you know like all games are 100 bucks or whatever but now like triple a titles might be like 110 and like a re-release might be like $80 and then like a shit game might be like $60 or like... I think that happens in the at-home media market. Yes, but not at the movies. No. At the movies, it's just all content. Come and see this shit.

Yeah. Three bucks, I guess. Scarfield the movie. $20. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Three bucks I guess Garfield the movie Twenty dollars Right Yeah And did anything else Exciting happen to you This week

Any grievances You'd like to get out I have no grievances Should I say more About the acolyte then Oh no That's okay I think

We'll save that As a special gift For the return listener Yeah Ooh I just got a message saying willem got kicked out of drag con oh it's drag con weekend as well which is very exciting drag con because they don't have new york anymore willem kicked out of drag con well we'll we'll be reporting on that one live as it happens, as it unfolds. Oh. Oh, my God.

Wait. Seven hours ago. Here we go. Wait. Did Willem actually get kicked out of RuPaul's Drag Con? Yep. Listen to the pod this week and watch my YouTube videos. All of this is coming.

She's reading, everyone. Oh, my God. This is crazy. Say actual things. Sorry, but i'm just you know i'm just reading someone said i smell a stunt no way the corporation she consistently badmouths and talks shit about decided they didn't want to help her make money that's i love that willem continues to go to drag con yeah i think that's quite funny it's so good it's so I don't care. Let's just keep going. Well, I can't wait to hear what happens there. I love DragCon.

I love putting people into a giant hangar with little sections. Listener, we were contemplating discussing which DragCon booth gets into the bunker, but they all suck hole. So we're not doing it. Yeah. Well, it's, I haven't seen, I haven't seen any like life changing booths and,

you know, it usually takes a while cause it's not like one centralized place where you can go to see every booth as I wish there was. Cause I think they should photograph them all empty and then show us. But, um, a quick shout out to Lena Glore Who did an incredible look and booth tie in With the faces all over her white gown

And then the booth had her face all over it It was very cool Which franchise is she from? I have no idea Italy? Yes Which season is she from? Zelda, I don't watch those

I can't afford Wow Presents Plus She won season three. I knew that. Oh, my God. I love Lena Galore from Drag Race Italia season three. Yeah. That is the weird thing, though. Because we're now living in the extended franchising of the show,

you'll see these girls and you're like, wow, this is a lot of production for like a local queen and then they're like no she won yeah the drag race uh new mexico yeah yeah yeah um which is kind of fun but then when you see the international girls that are a bit dud it hurts a little but i feel like sometimes the international girls are like the top tier of all drag. Yes. You know? Yes. Well, they're just siloed in their kind of specific franchise.

Yeah. Hmm. Anyway. Oh, what fun. Oh, it's my week, isn't it? Yeah. How does the world end? Let me tell you.

Not with a bang, but with a whimper. The world becomes cuck earth. And on cuck earth, I don't know if you've seen this, but there's like a, what's that film where there's like another planet appears in the sky and it's earth 2 anyway and earth 2 appears the alpha earth and we have telescopes trained on alpha earth and we have a live telecast being like uh alpha earth just appeared in the sky we don't refer to it as alpha earth at the time but we're going to be giving you live telecast and it's close enough for us to digitally zoom in

and show you everything happening on Alpha Earth. And then everyone on Beta Earth, the cuck Earth, is watching glued to the screen as they see on Alpha Earth people living much nicer lives, a place where they just kind of sorted out environmental issues, democracy didn't continually fall apart and die. Where they were just like more process oriented and figured things out instead of arguing.

And slowly Beta Earth, the one we live on, Kaka Earth, becomes incredibly depressed because they're like, well, this whole time we could have been living like these people and we just watch them on the TV all day. And over that time, we just forget that we need to obtain, maintain our own lives. And so, cuck earth begins to fall into even more decay and disrepair as people forget their jobs, forget their lives and just watch the telecast of alpha earth.

And then everyone on cuck earth dies, even the animals who are jealous of the other animals who seem much more together now that there's environmental conservation on Alpha Earth, living in their gorgeous fjords and things. Love it. And so they all, you know, those of us who don't kill ourselves on Beta Earth, just die of starvation, die of jealousy. Yes. And then as soon as we're all dead, alpha earth disappears because it was actually just a simulation created by evil media tycoons

who wanted to show people alpha earth. Wow. Media tycoons who wanted to show people Alpha Earth. Wow. Media tycoons who wanted to make the world's largest cuck porn. Wow. With planetary cuck. And there's like aliens fapping to the planetary cuck porn. On their like X-Tube. Edging.

Gooning. Yeah. Gooning. And now next, Saturn, watch out. You're about to get bukkakied. By Uranus. Sure. Yeah.

You were almost describing like an incursion style moment or like a mojo verse moment, but then you covered it in cum. I think you just made up two words. Mojo verse moment but then you covered it and come so yeah i think you just made up two words mojo verse you would love mojo i think i've said that before you know mojo the evil alien who like miss mojo oh i love miss mojo counting down the top 30 most cocked earth number one we love them in spring breakers but what's happening with vinesh the hajins um well that's just great thank you yeah okay well should

we dive into the themes of the day i love it. I'll be right back. And welcome back, listeners. Hello. Okay, you know what? I think I was too rough on you at the start of the episode, listener. Hello. Okay, you know what? I think I was too rough on you at the start of the episode, listener. I'm sorry. I like you. Say that to me.

Yeah. Go on. What? You think she's wearing something good now? She? They. Plus. Oh.

Okay. Okay. So, this theme for our first theme of the episode of What Will Go in the Bunker is I went to my boyfriend's mother's house. What? We said we were doing this one last. We said that? Yes. We didn't say that. We did.

We did the order twice. I clarified with you at the cafe. What order? I assume you were just saying the three we were doing Not that it was the last one Here, you know what? You've made a scene Don't worry, you win

What are we doing first? No, you say, it's good No, that's okay No, please say Oh, it's okay, listen Please say Listener, you can tell there's trouble Oh my god

This show is cancelled You say Listener, you can tell there's trouble. Oh, my God. This show is cancelled. You say. Listener, you think you meant. You say. I'll say. You say. Okay. So, the very first thing, listener, is that this weekend I went to my boyfriend's house,

his mother's house, who I love. She's actually incredible. incredible and she in her bathroom so her house is like very much in the bathroom yes in the toilet but the house has like a cottage vibe it's in castle main if that's not telling too much but like you think about like um gorgeous victorian home with kind of like a wood burning fireplace and like a big long dining table that has known countless meals with like a low light hanging over it. You know, everything is kind of like settled in in a beautiful way that feels like it's like very charming and cozy. Yes. very charming and cozy.

Lived in. Yes. And like the big windows open out into the like large backyard where you can see like the gorgeous trees of Castlemaine and nature and blah, blah. Anyway, in the bus. What color is the exterior of the house? It's like a very,

it's like a blue, like a, what's the little flower? Like a blue bell. Blue bell blue. I see. Anyway. Yeah.

And then with like a big tree tree like an oak tree in the front or an elm what kind of fence like a spaced out picket okay cute yeah very cute very cute all of castlemaine's adorable yeah anyway so then in the bathroom in the toilet i photographed something that was hanging on the wall because I needed to know which of these things would get into the bunker. Now, this thing hanging on the wall was, I guess, initially intended to be like a spoon rack for hanging are some souvenir spoons on this spoon rack there are a series of small knickknacks on this um this spoon rack which is i would say like sparsely laden so to talk you through zelda why don't you start us off by explaining some of the things you can see on this okay should we go row by row or just bounce around i I think row by row. Okay, so. Also, listener, we'll be sure to send this through

on the Instagram stories. Oh, yes. And on the Discord. Okay, so up top row, I can see part of a ladle. A tiny little copper, not copper, like stainless steel. Maybe it's like a tablespoon measure. Yeah. Seems to be some kind of doorknob, perhaps,

like a little kitchen cupboard doorknob perhaps like a little you know like kitchen cupboard door then we have perhaps a broken fork yes it just has part of the prong one of my favorite things for an ornament is an elephant and there is indeed quite a small elephant here now we have a bent fork yeah it kind of makes me think about the jewelry that one might mold around their bicep. Or as a little ring. Yes. And then there's the first of what will soon become many glass bottle stoppers. Yes.

Lots of glass stoppers. Yeah. And that's row one. Lazy. Row two, we have glass stopper number two. We have a small plastic toy dinosaur that has collapsed onto its side. It looks like maybe a... Like maybe a...

Etheraptor or something? She's had enough. And then there's the two only novelty uh tourist spoons one is a scalloped teaspoon with some undiscernible i tried to take a closer photo but um to no avail because the lighting was not great and then in the other one there's a kind of uh a steel like, you know, like small, like touristic spoon, collectible spoon. Yeah. It's got a heart on the raised enamel end. Yes.

Of the spoon. And they kind of like the hilt of the spoon is like a woven effect. Almost like a double helix kind of vibe. Yes. And then next to that, they have a two pronged salad fork you know like a devil horn oh it's so good it's so wide then we have another glass stopper and then we have a crown cork stopper oh i thought that was a carrot ornament no it's like it's a green crown. Okay. Yeah. And then we have another glass stopper. Okay.

Row three of four. Glass stopper. Perhaps, now this could be like a little metal. I know exactly what this is. It's a flattened penny. Oh. Yeah. That's been turned, like a novelty flattened penny. And I see that it has had a hole punched out of it,

so you may wear it as a beautiful necklace. If you'd like. Or perhaps adorn your zipper with it. Oh, you're having fun. Now we have a very small, purple, sensible heel. A kitten heel. This is about, we can see quite clearly that it's about the size of a small spoon um it looks to be carved from wood and painted with some kind of stain oh no this

was plastic oh it's plastic it's just grubby plastic okay yeah that's fine then we have uh perhaps another bottle stopper but this one could be rubber what is it in real life i think that that's i don't know it's kind of an indiscernible object it's definitely a stopper there's a stopper theme yeah next we have okay so i i wasn't in this house this month i'm gonna presume that this is one of two things. Either a decorated rock that's been decorated with some little secret or flower motifs. Or it's a rock from the ocean that has indeed retained some... Life. Yeah, some algae, some dried algae or kind of lichen. You know what?

Your guess is as good as mine because I was so distracted by some of the other elements. Then we have stopper number 75 76 we now have a small clear crystal of sorts smooth edged oh then we have this little bull ornament who's having perhaps has a broken leg because it's on a tilt yeah it's a gorgeous kind of muted mint color yes it's kind of like a bettina copper look yes and then our final rotating us home we have stopper another stopper but in the rubberized style we have a kind of tumbled crystal that's been carved into the shape of a seashell then we have another stopper then we have a filthy plastic pig probably the largest of the plastic figurines. Yes.

Bigger than the elephant. Yeah. Bigger than the dinosaur. And certainly bigger than the bull. Yes. But it's massive and it's covered in dirt. And then we have a cork stop. Yeah.

And then finally, to round things out, a glass stopper. Ooh. Okay. So that is the makeup of the knickknackery on this wall in this house. But which thing of these things should be saved for the apocalypse? Because I think that's probably a really important question. That's what we do here. Each one of these things warranted display.

Yes. And now it warrants discussion. Someone's sentimentality will become Gwyneth Paltrow's reality. She would love this. She'd have things to say about it. Okay. So should we start by one, two, three, and then say the thing that we think it should be?

Okay. Let me just look. Okay. Yeah. I'm good. Matt, you can say two. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm just having a scan.

I just got this picture just now. Oh, I thought you were on the journey with us. The description was so good that he didn't need it. He didn't need it. Yeah. I was imagining it in my mind's eye. Did it align? There's one element that's real curveball that I think I'm going to go for.

All right, let's go. Okay, okay. Okay, so. Oh, I don't know. All right, all right, all right. I got it. Okay. So I'm going to say one, two, three, and then we say, okay?

Listener, you say as well. Okay. Okay. One, two, three. The prompting. One, two. Oh. What did you say, Matt? What did you say as well Okay One, two, three The prompting Oh What did you say, Matt? What did you say, Matt?

I like that little dangling fork that's missing half the prompt Above the elephant Above the sword of Damocles above the elephant Yes That is a sad little It's like a fork that's been in the fire too long Toasting a marshmallow I would say that this image also kind of looks a bit ai generated like the elements don't quite all

make sense like the objects are half completed yeah it was real the other one i liked was the little um collectible spoon but the one that's got the sort of seashell imprint in it in the in the um in the bowl that's the kind of spoon that you eat Viennetta with. That's true. I feel like it's nostalgic for me because my grandma had a lot of those. Did she have these kind of boards where you could store them all? No, she just had like a very, she has a very old dresser that you just, the drawers don't have any rollers or anything.

It's just like, you just kind of have to pull it as really hard as you can to pull the drawers out. So it would just be full of spoons, just millions of spoons. You wade to grandma's house through her spoon collection. This industry seemingly has died down quite a lot. No one's collecting teaspoons anymore. I don't know. I think you'd be surprised.

You think if I put out a Lazy Susan teaspoon, I would make my money back? It depends on where you're doing gigs. That's true. At the Fish Creek Tea Cozy Festival? Okay. So you vote for the broken fork.

Lazy votes for the little shoe. I think that that's a little bit on the nose for me to vote for that tiny little kitten it's pretty predictable it is predictable but there is something so specific about the energy that emanates from like a doll's shoe yeah like a single shoe and how like even if it's quite a short heel this would be in real life probably like a like a little kitten heel yes it's so like where did this fabulous woman go who was wearing this i feel like future generations be like this is what babies used to be

the size of children only sassy babies yeah it's all so curved like it's all curved the toe box is super curved yeah like even the the foothold is so oval yes this is a shoe that would only ever be worn by mum the drag queen that's very sensible it's a sensible shoe yeah um I also think that, you know, Zelda, this is like, you would love to own this evil looking fork with two times. I love the fork. It's pretty incredible. It looks like something a devil would eat with. It's so wide, so pointed.

Even the handle, beautiful, ends in this like kind of diamond shape. It has this beautiful like embossed line as well it's so cool i love it um i do think that like it is the coolest object here like it makes me want to eat meat just so i can use this to like tear it apart why don't folks look more like this we don't need that many times yeah as we're learning and matt you like the kind of the sad one yeah it's just i feel like i was just thinking about future generations again like looking at it and just being like what happened in the before times yeah that made our folks melt hmm well what was this used for you know i mean like what was this people can be like it was a

hair comb what about this like none of the representative figurines got in so of the figurines i would vote the elephant because i just love that elephant it's such that it's that you're passing up the dinosaur we have dinosaurs we have better dinosaurs we've got the dino riders this little no i don't like this yeah the elephant's kind of pretty it's pretty detailed it would be cool to like imagine what people thought of elephants in the future yeah i wonder like the the response when they found out how big they were and they're, did you mark them by making these small figurines? But I like that giant filthy pig. There's something, okay.

Because to me, I love the thing of displaying an object that's covered in crime. Oh, yes. I wish that that happened in more homes, like a vase covered in dirt in the middle of your gorgeous, dare-living coffee table. Like it's a challenge to the onlooker to decide what is worth displaying. It's like when John Waters talks about how he has this painting

that's made out of mold in his house. And he's like, it wants to kill me. And then he has to keep it covered up because the spores would actually kill him. And then he also has like a pile of dirt and rubble that he bought. That's like an artwork by an artist that he loves to collect. And he has to always tell off his cleaning lady for trying to clean it up. Yes.

And I think that that's fabulous. I like it. So I do like that filthy fucking pig. And I just think these glass stoppers are the workhorse of the board, but they're not going to be the one. They're not the one, but where are the vessels? Well, that's the other thing. It begs the question. What liquid is evaporating from the vessel without a stopper?

Yeah. Yeah. There's a seal on stoppers. Okay, listen, I'm willing to meet you on the horns. Well, look, here's the thing. Like, of these objects, yes. The prong, I love. What's wrong with the prong?

Absolutely nothing. Say it again now. But I have a halberd in the bunker, you know? Are you going to eat your salads with a halberd? You could. You could pierce it with the end. But what do we have in the way of foodware in the bunker, you know? Are you going to eat your salads with a halberd? You could. You could pierce it with the end. But what do we have in the way of footwear in the bunker? Especially tiny footwear.

And I think that this indeed could sit quite comfortably on a library shelf. A tiny little woman's shoe rented out once a week to all the people of the bunker. They could even put it on on their little pinky toe if they wanted to have a little stroll against a small table okay so i'm i'm you know i'm i'm happy with this this is the sort of shoe that grimace might wear it is mcdonald's extended you to us if if grimace oh i don't. What would the vibe be if Grimace did baby drag?

All the friends would show up except for Ronald because he's such a cunt and he never calls back. But like Birdie would be there. Even Hamburglar would be there. And Grimace would get on stage and do like, they'd write like beautiful truth. Like, oh no, they'd write like- On their like reveal outfit. Yeah yeah and then they'd take it off and they'd have that this groomers colored shoe and it would yeah and then or they'd say like

faggot nugget like and then be like another round of bullets hits my skin fire away They say Yeah The Kesha version And some, you know, like, Devatron host would be like Pay attention, don't grimace Oh, yeah Or something Well, she wouldn't be Grimace is her, like, day name I don't know what her drag name is

No, she's saying that to the audience Uh Yeah Winky winky Wink wink You know her from The Happy Meal Yeah Now she's here to make a full I. You know her from The Happy Meal. Yeah. Now she's here to make a full, I don't know, she ate The Happy Meal.

Yeah. Okay, so this little shoe. The little groomers baby drag shoe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're all fabulous. Fabulous objects.

You will soon encounter them on our Instagram, listener. Yes. We'll have to be sure to remember to put this one up. But what didn't we put up? I feel like every episode we're like, oh, put that on the Discord. Oh, put that on the thing. We only put them up for five minutes and then we take them down. You've got to put this one up permanently.

Yeah. So people can... Burn my name. Should I put it up now? Yeah, put it up. You could. I'll put it up now. You could.

Put it up now. I'm putting it up now could I'll put it up now Put it up now I'm putting it up now, listeners Oh, listeners I'm being crazy I'll put it in a story I'll put it in a story Put it in a story And then we'll put it up officially after this

Okay Incredible Okay Well, congratulations, little shoe You're getting in You're in You're going to regionals Wait, does Grimace get in?

No, we'll talk about Grimace later No Sorry, Matt, we'll talk about Grimace later. Sorry, Matt. We didn't really entertain your suggestion. It was lame. Sorry. No, no.

You know what I do like about your fork, though? Look at how long and evil the shadow is. You see more in the shadow than you do in the rest. Yeah, the prongs are dripping. Yeah. You guys are not even going to believe what happens when you see this fork i love it i also just like actually love the display the little curvy edges and the color choice of this mahogany teaspoon yeah yeah quite nice oh well that's good we solved that one one. So good. You know what?

I'm so glad we did it first. Yeah. I get too hung up on the dots of the things. No, you know what, Sheldon? I respect you and I love you. And I'm so glad we're here together doing this. Me too. We'll be right back hello

oh sorry now we're back yeah to decide this is a listener suggestion play the listener suggestion alert Oh, sorry. Now we're back. Yeah. To decide. This is a listener suggestion. Play the listener suggestion alert. Allah! Allah! Allah?

Allah. Witch crime. Witch crime? Oh, potions, probably. Witch crime. Goes into the bunker. Flying your broomstick too high. Witch crime. Which crime goes into the bunker? Flying your broomstick too high. Which crime?

Which crime? Letting a cat out. You're going to say which crime? Which crime? Okay, which crime? It's a crime against nature. Jaywalking? No.

Native wildlife. Oh, yeah. which crime? It's a crime against nature. Jaywalking? No. Native wildlife. Oh, yeah. It's a crime. Ooh. Jaywalking? Yeah. No. Just starting at the baseline.

Oh, okay. Murder. Murder. Ooh, that stresses me out. I watched Broadchurch for the first time. Have you ever seen that? No. Oh.

It's like 10 years older now now I'm talking about it all week and people are like, yeah, that came out ages ago. Anyway, it's just, it's Olivia Colman. Ooh. And David Tennant. Ooh. And that hot guy from Bridgerton. Ah!

Who's gay. Who? Bailey. I look, you say. Anyway, he is from Broadchurch, and they all live in the town of Broadchurch, and everything in this one small town of Broadchurch is rocked when a 13-year-old boy...

Yes, he's gay. What's his name? He's not hot. He's so hot. He's not hot. You need to watch Crashing with Phoebe Waller-Bridge because he's very hot. He's not hot He's so hot He's not hot You need to watch Crashing with Phoebe Waller-Bridge Because he's very hot He's fine

He's hot I just hate Bridgerton Anyway, go on Anyway Yeah This town is rocked When a young boy is killed And over the course of the season

They have to figure out who did it It's a whodunit Whodunit And it's great because each episode someone's like, maybe I did it. And then at the end they're like, no, I was friendly the whole time. You just misinterpreted. But I love that in whodunits where it's like, maybe it's him.

He keeps making evil looks at the camera. And then the next episode after they've ruled him out, he's suddenly a very jovial, regular acting person. But in the episode where they're under suspicion, it's like, I've never been more evil. And it's got Filch in it from Harry Bonham. Ooh, I like that actor. And they, yeah. But anyway, all of this to say, that's quite good.

Quite dark. Quite good, yes. Yeah. Any other crimes that you like? Well, what crimes have you committed? We'll start there. It's a sting.

Get her. What have I done? I haven't done anything. Come on. You must have committed a crime. Well, I stole that gum when I was five or whatever. I told that story.

Um, what else have I done? Not much. I sure as shit haven't lied on my tax return like I should have. I was hoping our accountants would do that. I know. Whatever. Anyway.

It's just the 36-year-old entering real life moment that I've been suffering through this week. You know, most people are not independent business owners. Yeah. So, like, I think that's the thing we're experiencing. It sucks. Yeah. What other crimes?

What crimes do you know that someone's committed? How about that? Like, is anyone in your family? Like, any crimes that have touched your life? Crimes that have touched my life. Actually, oh, my God. I was thinking about this the other day. This is, like, really sad story.

Well, kind of. Just, like, very much like, wow, being single in Melbourne. What a time. Oh. I went up to a drink. What was it? I can't remember where it was. But I went and hooked up with this guy.

Yeah. Like when I was a single lady. Yeah. And went hooked up with him in the daytime at a nature reserve. Oh, public sex. I've done that crime. Yeah. Is that illegal

maybe i don't know only if you don't get off it's illegal is it yeah what about having sex in a private bathroom that's in a public place illegal wow okay well lock me up. Anyway, so this guy we hooked up, he was like hot bogan. And I was like, hot bogan. And then he like commenced walking away from the, it was daytime as well, to clarify. And he was walking away and then I was like. From the troubles in his life. And then he was like, can I get a lift down the hill or whatever? Yeah.

And I was like, oh, you don't drive? You live up in the hills and you don't drive? And he was like, oh, they took my license away. And I was like, oh, why? And he's like, I killed someone. Sorry? Oh, my God. What?

He's like, I was driving drunk and I killed someone. He's like I was driving drunk and I killed someone And I was like You're telling me you killed someone While I'm wiping your cuffs Yes My lips I was like could you not have said that before I'm not sucking the dick of a murderer

How dare you Like what But what if he's paid for his crime Well I'm not How dare you? Like, what? But what if he's paid for his crime? Well, I'm not, you know, I'm not rehab. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Well, he seemed to be doing just fine now.

He didn't. Well, I don't know. His vibe was still very much like day drunk. Oh. Yeah. I don't know. That's all. He keeps getting judged by people sucking his dick.

That's right. Well, if only, you know, full disclosure You have to help someone before you hook up with them If you have killed someone Wait, is that a crime? Killing someone No Not telling people that you've killed someone

No, I don't think you have to tell people that We're doing an episode about crime Anyway, that was my crime. Wow. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. How was the dick?

Good. Okay. Yeah, I'm like, well, Zelda, would you have, like,

he's like, shows up at the thing and you're like, he's like, I killed someone. Yeah. You're like, well,

we're here. Yes. Okay. Yeah. What, what if he was like, I robbed a bank? Yeah, that's fine. What if he was like, I robbed a bank? Yeah, that's fine.

What if he's like, I robbed a preschool and stole 12 children? Okay. Yeah. No, I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be sucking that. Okay. So there is a line. Steal it.

Just murder isn't on the line. Well, I presume that, like, how did he kill someone? He was drink driving. Drink driving. So that's not murder Oh, no, but it's like willful Negligence Negligence

He's a negligent lover Yeah Oh, far too many men are Negligent lover Yeah And what about stabbing? Is that not murder? Oh, that's just attacking someone.

Yeah. The law of just attacking someone. Don't just attack anybody. Um, stabbing. Stabbing? Like assault, I guess. A stabbing? Yeah.

I didn't know. That freaks me out. Yeah. Like in Pay It Forward where they stab that little boy. Sorry, spoiler alert for Pay It Forward. Pay It Forward. Oh, we were watching Degrassi last night with the episode where the kid brings the gun to school. And he shoots people and then he shoots himself.

Wow. Wait, what do you think about Americans putting bandages on their ears to look like Trump? Oh, is that a thing that's happening now? Have you not seen? No. Yes. Oh, is that a thing that's happening now? Have you not seen?

Yes. Like people are going to the things where he talks with like a little bandage over their ear to, you know, solidarity. Wow. Like what? It's like the new pimple patches to the Republican Party. Well, I mean, it's obscuring part of a Republican. I can only be thankful they're already tone deaf they may as well cover their ears

yeah I like that god damn that's crazy so stupid crime crime crime crime tax evasion I think is cool but like do you know it's

it's the tricky thing of growing up and being like I believe in taxes. People should pay taxes. I like roads, public schools, public health. Someone's got to pay for it. You should be honest. And then when it's me, I'm like, I shouldn't ever have to pay taxes.

I don't do that. Yeah. I should pay taxes, but just not for the jobs when I'm wearing a wig. Yeah. Because that feels like I'm doing a service. Well, you know what? As well, the government doesn't really support drag queens. I can attest to that, darling.

Like, what am I paying taxes for? That shitty footpath that my heels don't even crumble down? Yeah. The death trap of a tram line when i'm trying to strut yeah no yeah you would prefer i don't do drag so i think it's best if if we just call it moot yeah um yeah what about like some obscure like medieval crime of like you know wearing purple when your king is purple yeah sure that's his color stealing someone's pig or something oh dirty pig yeah um or mate like or what about like building an illegal extension on

your home that's a crime yes oh i love that i love that my friends are trying to so they at the back of their house they're lucky to, so they, at the back of their house, they're lucky enough to own a house. At the back of their house, they have a shed, a garage shed. And they want to turn it into like a little art studio because currently it's just an art studio for spiders. Yes. And so there's like a little driveway that comes in off the main road. There's like a rule in northcote

that if you have a driveway that comes off the main road it needs you need to have a parking spot on your property yeah and like you can't oh my god what is happening god is sending his army for us. No! Listener, can you hear those bells? Can you hear the bells? Anyway, you were saying? And so it's just like so frustrating because they would never, like they don't park their car in that garage and so many people with little parking spots on their property don't park their shit in there. So have a like an obligation because of local law to keep a spot

for a car that doesn't exist to go into a spot that will never be used just saying it's a crime in northgate to have a driver that doesn't need to a car park exactly that's a weirdly specific crime a crime that i've been encouraging her to break. I'm like, just put fake doors there like Disneyland. Yeah. Fake garage doors and then how are they ever going to prove it? Oh, it's jammed, officer. Yeah, the officer comes.

Officer driveway. What about stealing a policeman's hat and gun? Ooh, not gun. Bang, bang, bang. No. You shot me down, bang, bang. They still have their hat or perhaps their fun shiny badge. And what about their nightstick? Oh, I like a good stick.

Especially, I found... Said without irony. No. Did I? I don't think I did. Oh, Lishna and you all. I have found this Instagram account. Is it Blade City?

It's about, I have, I do know that one. No, but it's about really good sticks. And people send in pictures of their sticks when they go for a hike. Oh, so good. What do you think the ideal stick is? Taller than you are. Oh. Absolutely.

That's a branch, darling. No. When people say, oh, you're like a stick, they don't mean taller than you are. Oh. Absolutely. That's a branch, darling. No. When people say, oh, you're like a stick, they don't mean taller than you are. They do mean that when they think. Anyway. I like a stick, like a long slender, and then like a little one-off shoot that cuts off quite short. Yeah. You know, like a cartoon stick.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I want like long and a little bit gnarly. How gnarly? A little bit. Not crazy. Not crazy. Not Nightmare Before Christmas. No.

Like not like... Because it's also like all those, unless it's like a really solid word, all of those are weak points, you know? Oh, yeah. So you don't want that. Nothing worse than a good stick break. Those are weak points, you know? Oh, yeah.

So you don't want that. Nothing worse than a good stick breaking. So what about like flying a drone in like a suburban area? Oh, I like that. That's a crime. That could be good for the bunker. I like the idea of more airborne things to go up against Volantis. Fly into Volantis. That's good.

And what crimes have you committed? Crime? Me? Yeah. I've never committed anything. I'm perfect. Drugs. Checked your phone while you're driving.

That's a crime. Now it is. Not when I was doing it. Crimes. I don't know. I don't think I've committed any crimes What about digging up a corpse and stealing its gold teeth? You've done that Have you done that?

That's how he met his wife He let her keep her gold teeth That's how beautiful she was Skellington Yeah I don't know I've probably done stuff that I didn't realize is a crime. How convenient.

What's that kind of crime? What's the word for that? A crime. I didn't know it was a crime. Crime. I don't know. Misdemeanor. Idiot crime.

Like, not idiot, but like. Idiot crime. Perhaps I'm committed right now against the english language um and never mind um do you know like that entrapment crime like when you see on instagram and they're like i worked in an office and mildred always used to eat my flake shake or whatever and so i poisoned it and then she ate it and then she died yes and you're not allowed to do that which is ridiculous because mildred shouldn't have been eating that in the first place and perhaps she kept it to herself she knew it wasn't hers she knew she thought she could get away and

then she found out do you know what i feel so indignant about that crime in particular entrapment it should be allowed only if they're already doing something that they shouldn't be doing. Cops also can't do that, can they? No. They can't. Yeah. Although I think there's workarounds. Yeah.

Yeah. Because they can't. Yeah. Like they can pretend to be an underage girl online and then entrap the pedos. Yeah, but can they do that? Yeah. That's how they catch them. I don't know.

I think that's just on that one show. Well, and on Broadchurch spoiler alert oh um okay any other fabulous crimes theft theft of property damage i like theft of livestock but i'm kind of bored by like if someone steals your watch well or that laptop. Well, yes. Yeah. And I'll never find it now. What about graffiti? I like that. No, I don't like that. Oh, yeah, you're a target of graffiti, aren't you, Matt?

Yeah, the studio here gets tagged all the time. It's just such a tempting thing in canvas. Yeah, I know. And then I paint over it And then like two days later it's like You're playing the game You've got to do it really fast though You've got to like clean it up really fast

So that they stop doing it Is that the thing? Yeah, like the quicker you kind of like Nip it in the bud Then they're like, oh well There's no point tagging that wall because it's like i don't think that's the psychology of a tiger i think they're like oh free wall maybe but um i think you have to just do that connect seat pattern thing where

it's such a loud pattern that you can't really tell where someone's gotten up yeah i want to get a mural painted see if that that will help. Of us? Of us. Yeah. Of us. Of us. Of you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. All right. Don't tag our faces. Okay, that's good. What about the crime of lying on your resume to get a job? Is that a crime? That's not a crime. Well, lying.

It's fraud. It's just fraud. Fraud. Just flaws and fraud. God. Like, I'm really good at, you know. I fucking lied on my resume. That would be a funny crime to have in the bunker.

Yeah. Because people would be like, I did that. And then be like, nope, go to jail. Go to bunker jail. Yeah, are we going to have bunker jail or is it just like a fine? Bunker jail. Well, we need to have. I was learning all that.

Kids cities recently, which is like a theme park for kids where they could pretend to have adult jobs. And like when you walked into kids city, which was like a giant city block, you would get your first amount of money for kid city dollars and then you could go and start working at one of the many jobs and they all had these tiny little kid sized buildings and then you could work at like

the pizza restaurant or you could work at the factory or you could work as a police officer or you could work at the jail you know blah blah blah and they did have a jail but then the kids got really into getting arrested because it was so fun to escape the jail.

And they were like, you're meant to be learning about what it's like to be an adult. And they're like, but I got arrested. What crimes did they do to get arrested at Kid City? I think one of them was trying to rob the bank and got away with it too for a little bit. I feel like the bank robbery is a pretty classic crime. Yeah, it is the proto-crime.

Yeah. Definitely the first crime we all committed as kids. Theft. Like bank robbery. Like when you play robbers at school, you'd be robbing a bank. Yeah. Which is kind of hard. Stealing a fabulous diamond.

Yeah. A heist. A heist. I feel like you would like arson I do like arson But you know I grew up in a fire prone area So there was like always like a fire bug that would I know it's not a good crime Not condoning

But I just feel like you like the idea of it you know Yeah As a crime Lighting a little fire Oh there was electrical damage, officer. Now pay out. I can't control it. I can't control it.

Well, yeah, because, you know, in the hills, this guy that was lighting fires and was responsible for, like, Black Wednesday and stuff, he would come back and, like, get some kind of sexual gratification out of the fires. Watching the story unfold yeah it's like a sexual thing wow yeah what about sodomy sodomy baby's favorite crime who's favorite crime baby your baby oh my god um sodomy is a great crime sodomy it's between god and me This is Ew That joke is a crime Yeah that's like medieval crime I like that

Medieval crime The name of our new restaurant Crimes of the future Crimes of future past Yeah Catfishing That's a crime Catfishing

That's pretty funny Listener Oh my god Did I tell the story about no i didn't okay so here's a story a couple weeks ago get yourself a drink listener yeah a couple weeks ago i was talking to oh on grinder turns out his name was oliver the o stood for oliver and from the get-go i was like you're a catfish two very cute photos on his profile but skewed american and i know you know what i'm talking about like you could tell he was like they were taken in america yeah like there's just something about the lighting and the image quality sun's position in the sky you bet you can tell yeah you can tell um it doesn't have that weather-worn look of the

australian grinder yeah but but also listener if you're ever trying to ascertain a a catfish photo there's key things to look for um one is the underwear brand that i presume is visible yeah and light switches and also power outlets that's's good. That's really good advice. Also, if they're bathroom selfies, you can look for toothpaste brand. And his and her sinks. Oh, yeah. I suppose you should look out for that as well. Anyway, all the red flags were there. But I was like, I don't care.

Like, this is just entertaining. You know, kind of level. And then it's like, well, if it's not a catfish, then like cute. Because, you know, so many times that has come true as well. Yeah. But it also didn't go down regular catfish lines of like, this person wasn't trying to get me to sign up for cryptocurrency. Sure.

As so many of them are. As so many times I have. But so we're chit-chatting and we're chit-chatting and then nothing for like a week like he's not online then he's back and we're chit-chatting again and i'm still like i don't know if you are real or not and by this point with he's like sent nudes which were all also catfish coded yeah but could be real yeah could be couldn't tell then i'm like i this was a couple weeks ago um and i'm like you know what who cares like i'll go and we'll just see what happens yeah so he invites me over to his place and i go and i already like i just i knew oh no i already knew like from the very first message that he sent me i knew that it was all a lie yeah and then so i'm like booking an

uber now no reply oh hasn't been online for 14 minutes. Then like, hey, just pulling up now. No reply. Hasn't been online for 26 minutes. Hey, is this your place? No reply. And I was like, well, I knew this was going to happen. I just wanted to get out of the house today. But I just, I was annoyed, but I was still like, this is still a little bit funny.

Yeah. You know, I was like, why did I let myself think that this was real? Like, it's so clearly not. Anyway, but I was like, you know what? Actually, you know what? I'm going to knock on this door. Do it. Because who knows? I was like, I've already like, this couldn't get more depressing at this point.

So like lean in. And the door had like a glass window like a full length window next to it so i could see into this house yeah and it was kind of like those new houses that are like all built the same for like an entire block kind of like that was where i got the most depressing it could be and i could see into this house and there was this object moving in the distance in the kitchen, which could have been him. It was like, looked like a young cute guy with like brunette hair. Yeah.

But I couldn't tell if it was the guy in the picture or not. Anyway, I was like, fuck it. Yeah. And I knocked on the door. Yeah. Nothing. And then I knocked again. And then this guy comes out

and I was like hey Oliver he was like no who what I was like are you Oliver or does Oliver live here and he was like no and it wasn't the guy in the photo but it was also just some random

guy and there I am it's like 10 o'clock at night. And I'm like, okay. I'll wait for Oliver to arrive. And then he closed the door and I went home. Well, good for you. And then he reappeared online like two days ago.

Sorry, my house burnt down. And I was like, oliver hey like what happened the other week and he was like oh sorry i think i fell asleep and i was like you're a catfish just tell me you're a catfish just stop lying because we could be in love anyway why did i tell this story catfishingishing. Crime. That might be the crime. It was kind of funny. Maybe we let Oliver into the bunker. I'll show you a photo.

You'll see exactly what I mean. Oliver, I think, should be in the bunker. Oh, that could be good. And we just have that door of his house. Yes, and you can kind of see him in the distance. And you never know whether he's actually in there, but he does chat with everyone in the bunker and seduces them my god and then when they go to hook up he doesn't answer the door wait let me see this picture okay so do you see yes because no one in australia is wearing that headband no but i could see that in america no and then he yeah

well and then like this could be real that's very real the dick yeah but also like these like edgy boy tattoos yeah that is melbourne that's like not it's not generally uh appreciated enough to be a catfish's choice yeah you know also the dick isn't good enough to be a catfish's choice. Yeah. Also, the dick isn't good enough to be the catfish's choice. Yes, well, that's the thing. There's some stuff that feels like a little bit real. And like that, this one, listener, just dick,

is like the quality of the photo suggests catfish. Like it's a photo that's been screenshotted, saved, and re-uploaded many times. Suggests catfish. Like it's a photo that's been screenshotted, saved and re-uploaded many times. Then this is so blurry, but could be real. Then this, but back to face. Yeah.

He's still kind of like in the world of like too cute. Yeah. And then that, again, it's not the best butt pic. Yeah. So like, why would you send that as a catfish? Maybe that's the real butt and then the fake face. Fake face. But the body in these nudes is quite, like, has a cute,

like, quite a few cute little, like, moles. And his face has moles. So, there's consistency of moles. Yeah. Anyway. Okay, well, I propose that Oliver the catfish gets into the bunker. Incredible. Lock it in? Yeah. Okay well I propose that Oliver the catfish gets into the bunker Incredible Lock it in? Yeah

Okay Oliver you're coming in You know who you're not coming in? That guy that killed that woman drunk in a car Oh my god You know what that guy was definitely not a catfish His vibe was very like cradle of filth t-shirt Yes

Used to have dreads. Yeah. Smell to like champion ruby cigarettes. Oh. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Perfect, obviously.

What excellent taste we have. Yeah. Let us know. We'll be right back. Okay. Listener, we're up to topic number three. Hello.

Are you excited for that? Are you going to answer the door? Oh, who's there? It's Oliver here. Oh, so you see, you use my vulnerability against me. Yeah. I'll never tell a story again. Do you ever worry that you're going to run out of vulnerability And the show will be over? It doesn't appear to be trending that way, unfortunately No

I like, though, that one of my favorite qualities about you Is that you will go to the house How fabulous It's funny That's an adventure Yeah Yeah Like, yeah

Because you know what? You could stay at home and be sensible And this is the Gobble Ghost story what? You could stay at home and be sensible. And this is the Gobble Ghost story again. Yes. You could stay at home and be sensible. But isn't it nice to be out there and about? Well, discovering things. Like, I can't tell if you're doing a bit or not.

But yes, it is. It is. It is. I think people that stay at home and are just like, I know better than this. It's like, well, you're not going to be foolish sometimes. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. The mystery box.

And both of those are equally hilarious. And sometimes after you're walking away with your cum-soaked shirt in the middle of the nature reserve in the middle of the day and they say, I killed a woman. Yes. That's sometimes what happens. Yes. And then you give them a lift down the hill.

Yeah. Did you? Yeah him a lift down the hill. Yeah, did you? Yeah, I'm not an asshole. You know? Yeah, yeah. No updates, unfortunately, about why Willem has been kicked out of DragCon. Do you remember when there was a bomb threat from a former contestant against DragCon? And she had a website with a countdown. there was a bomb threat from a former contestant against drag con and she had a website with a countdown you might not know this listener but drag con is rupal's drag convention where they

they have stalls of all the drag queens some that have been on the show some that haven't and some businesses that are related to drag like trojan condoms i don't know that that has anything to do with the drag gay community but um anyway it would have to be their worst customers yeah really what yeah but willem contestant from that dick is good how nice is that dick willem contestant from season five oh season four oh season five season four season four who was the first ever disqualified contestant um has a very rocky relationship with rupaul and the extended universe of rupaul um because i don't know willem you know likes to speak her mind and rupaul doesn't like that and so then yeah Willow has continued to be an exhibitor at DragCon, which is so fabulous.

But she apparently has been kicked out this year. She's perhaps pushed the bear too far. So those of you who have responded while we've been taping this, we've got three responses. We've got one vote for dinosaur. We have one vote for the fork that's not a fork but actually a twork two fork and big scallop spoon oh lots of taste and you know 32 people have seen that while we've had it up and um only three have replied so the the other 29 of you. I'm talking about you, Tom Oxnam and Coot Coodle. Who else looked and didn't vote?

Malibu. Lance Bell. You think you're better than voting? That's not how we do things in Australia. Jordan Bryson. Get it together, Jordan Bryson. And Bailey McCloskey. McCloskey.

Well, I like they do. Well, like they do, my girl. You think you can view and you cannot say anything? Okay. Now it's time. Another suggestion. Which sex tape goes into the bunker? Okay.

So. Yes. I mean, I have the one that I want. that i want oh okay but now we're cooking with gas just because i think it is iconic and just love well do you know we need to start this by saying like obviously blah blah blah blah blah. We blah, blah. Don't. Yeah. We don't support the. Blah. You know. Blah.

That's private. Don't do that. And I have never actually seen these. No. I just read the Wikipedia article about what happened at the end. But I'm so glad we got that out the way. Yeah. Everyone could just shut up.

You know what? We support. Yeah. People's privacy. Yeah. I loved David Boreanaz jerking off. Oh! I love that.

Love that. This kind of comes back to that conversation we were having the other week about when you see someone, there's a chance you'll be able to see their dick. Yes. You can see David Boreanaz's dick. I wouldn't support anyone looking that up. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah.

But. But. Ooh, that's good. You know what's so good about it is that it's late stage David Boreanaz it was like do you reckon if you were visited by a future

Zelda as the young horny teen Zelda watching Angel and you were like he will have a sex tape one day but the lighting will be bad. And he will be obviously messaging some woman. And jerking off at a weird angle. And you'll be like, the future is bright.

It does get better. It's amazing that David Boreanaz has maintained that kind of hairless angel thing. Physique. Love it. Love. Bobby Boreanaz has maintained that kind of hairless angel thing. Yes, physique. Yeah. Love it. Love Chris Evans' dick. Oh, in The Reflection. Oh.

That's, okay, give a bit of context. Chris Evans posted a picture. Context. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. Posted a picture and then he had put up a screenshot of his camera roll roll Yeah, and like in the camera roll down the bottom You could indeed find the dick Yeah, or allegedly No, it's his dick

Or someone else's No Like he was saving someone else's dick pic on his phone Meaning he gay He gay I like that Luke Murkoffff from awkward and now apocalypse who yeah i just yeah that was a fabulous fabulous joke off but for sex tape purposes there are some like high like the the top of the culture the pinnacle the zenith yeah yeah yeah and i think like obviously kim

k had a sex tape yes um that kind of was was the sex tape that launched a thousand micro-niche businesses. Then there was also the Paris Hilton, One Night in Paris sex tape, which there was this boy from South Carolina who went to my school for, like, two years called Brandon. And he was like, I seen One Night in Paris. And I was like, okay, I'm gay. And we were all like, he was trying to impress us by like talking about horny things.

Like he would have worked at his like all American high school. And I'm like, Brandon, you're at a community school. We are talking about crystals now and you need to shut the fuck up. Yeah. Specifically crystal from Girls Next Door. Yeah.

And how much we hate her. Yeah. Well, this was much we hate her. Yeah. Well, this was pre-Crystal as well. But truly, it was, yeah, it was hard for him. I don't think he ever made it work. Brandon. Brandon. He was like definitely a criminal in the making.

He's American. Good, good. Moves America. Good, good. But to me, the pinnacle of sexiness is Colin Farrell's. Okay, Colin Farrell is the sexiest star. And the fact that he, in this tape with a woman that I don't know who she is, is so attentive and eats that puss so readily and is such, and this was like in his like Alexander era where he was like shaved head,

looked crazy. But God damn it. If he doesn't go down on her and just like relish the opportunity to eat that puss in an era when men were not really so readily doing that i'm like this is a private sex tape you didn't ever expect the world to see and it just proves that you would be such a fucking good root and like really champion the needs of your partner where i know that there would definitely be other men in Hollywood who were not, like, eating the puss at that time. Yeah.

And goddamn, if that's not the best. And he's just such a good Irish man. Oh. Yeah, he's so hot. Yeah. And particularly now, in his, like, lobster era, in his killing of a secret deer era, like, hairy Colin Farrell, so good. Likeer era. Like hairy Colin Farrell.

So good. Like giving up on life Colin Farrell. Ugh. That's amazing. But that sex tape is like, it does two things. His dick is amazing. He's so hot. I haven't seen it.

It's VHS. It's gorgeous. It's a full experience. But it also just shows that he's such a good guy. Like a good lover. i see well i was gonna say um something about pam and oh yeah i don't know her and tommy yeah i don't know the circumstances of it because i actually don't care but um uh pam anderson come on well that one was one of the sad ones which she was so violated by its release yeah see that sucks yeah that's why i'm

like a little bit yeah as you could tell yeah oh yeah she's looking at the... No, we don't support that. Oh, God, yes. And it's all POV shot Colin Farrell's. Oh, you didn't say that this was in his, like, you know, like, Faramir facial hair stage. Yeah, he's got that... Boromir of it all. Oh, God, He has facial hair. It's a flavour saver.

Matt, any cues on celebrity sex tapes? I don't think I've ever seen one, to be honest. Well, you've never seen any pornography, to be fair. I'm very vanilla. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah I only know of the Paris Hilton one Yeah Kim Kardashian

And Ray J? Is that who it is? And Ray J, yeah And I mean I haven't seen them but I've heard No, I haven't seen that Do you know what? I actually genuinely haven't seen any of these No Yeah Maybe we should all watch them and come back next week.

Let's all watch porn together. Yes. Three young men making a podcast. That's what we do here. I just hope, you know, that everyone kind of gets around it. And I did watch that show about Pam Anderson and Tommy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With Seth Rogen

With the prosthetics To make her look Exactly like Pam Yeah she looked Almost exactly the same As Pamela Anderson That's so cool But was that the vibe

I thought they didn't like it In the end No I think that Who knows Who knows I think Pamela Anderson Didn't like that Yeah she was like

They were kind of profiting Off her like Yeah Her trauma Trauma And she didn't want that Yeah she was like They were kind of profiting off her Like Yeah Her trauma Trauma And she didn't want the tape out That guy stole it And then put it up

True So we're not going to Profit off her pain Either No no Not getting in Pam Video

Pam tape Yeah Yeah Pam has other times Do you think the Kim Kardashian one Was distributed by Kris Jenner Yes Yeah I was going to say The Kardashian one. Was distributed by Kris Jenner? Yes. Yeah, I was going to say, do you think she,

because she tried to sue the people who put it up, didn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was all just a. Listen, I don't know. I don't know. But at the end of the day, it definitely did something, a net positive for her career but i think that from what i heard from you know my straight friends who saw it uh is that it didn't have the reverse colin farrell effect like it didn't seem like a like a great hookup oh yeah the vibe was like very like

oh what boring sex you're having yeah okay yeah you'll never be colin farrell um yeah david borianis bo murkoff um we i mean listen i mean i'm tempted by colin i i tell you what when you see this tape yeah you know he there's this one thing in the tape that i don't like oh the interiors of that i don't know um no it's just when he calls her princess princess yeah it's princess god sends me into the sun. If you had to get called a pet name during sex, what would you like? I don't like. Listener, if you ever have sex with me, I don't like that. Which we know you will.

I don't like that. Wait, but like if they're going to say something. I don't even like. Your name? So many. No, I don't like my name Wait, but like if they're going to say something. I don't even like. Your name? So many. No, I don't know my name. Has anyone called me Zelda? I don't like.

Call me Zelda. I don't like. Everybody does. Call me Miss Moon. Shut up. I don't like. Oh, I don't like I don't I feel cringe

When people expect me to say like sir Oh yeah Like it's so rarely genuine And doesn't make me feel like we're you know In acting school Yeah Like We're playing a scene

Yeah From Cuck Earth Yeah like Sir is just like I could say the same sentences But without the Title Yeah

And be fine Yeah Like sir Or like daddy Yeah Or like master Yeah Oh no

No Yeah What are you like? No I think I think unless it's like an esteemed actor like Colin Farrell, the less talking the better. Yeah. Generally. Like some things, yes. I think it's just like, it's, it's, um, I would say like, if there's spit, like, it's like when someone spits in your mouth, right?

If you're really horny, that's great. Yes. But if you're anything less than 100% horny, it's gross. Yes. And that's the same with sexy talk. It's like if you're, yeah. Yeah. If it's really happening, it's like amazing.

The only, like without exception, the only talking in sex that i will always like yeah is like before the other guy comes i like him to say i'm going to come yeah that i really like yeah because it's universal it's factual it's yes it just i want to know don't surprise me yeah i don't what about when they say that And then it's like another two minutes Yeah Well because sometimes That will freak them out

Because they're like Oh shit now I'm gonna Now I've set the timeline And I'm just worried That we're not gonna make the I'm like I don't care The deadline Like

Got nowhere to be You know I'm gonna get out of this nature reserve As quickly as possible You're a murderer Yeah, that I will always like But everything else I can do without Princess

Princess Hey princess Wait, so he calls her princess? Just watch the video I can't tell you how it ends Like in what context do you reenact? Hey princess No, he's like He's's got an Irish accent, so he's like.

Go on. Hello. No, he's not Lindsay Lohan. Yeah, no, no. She wasn't there. But he's like, potato. You're my little. You're finding the accent.

You're my little princess kind of thing Except he's not That's not his accent Anyway Yeah I don't like Video evidence proof That you know some men were Focused on a woman's orgasm in the early 2000s

That's incredible I love it Okay fine You know what we're putting it in Also the woman in the tape is the most That's incredible. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Okay, fine. You know what? We're putting it in. Also, the woman in the tape is the most stunning lady you've ever seen. So, enjoy that. Obviously, don't watch it.

No, no, no. We wouldn't. How are we putting it in? Oh, tape, no VHS player. Because we don't want people to watch it. Yeah, perfect. Maybe some freak could hold it up to the ocean air and relax. oh tape no VHS player because we don't want people to watch it yeah perfect maybe some freak could like hold it up

to the ocean air and relax oh yeah maybe we put it in as like a thousand slides and you have to hold it up and as a curse you really need two hands so you can't jerk off to it

you know you know yeah someone could hold it for you, though. Ah. Yeah. Might could be holding. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Well, we've done it again. Oh, congratulations, small shoe ornament thing. A small Grimace baby drag shoe. I hope Grimace comes to find you soon. Yes. Congratulations, Oliver.

We let you into the bunker. And your specific door. Yes. Frosted glass with a man behind it. Maybe. The shape of a man. And, yes, sex tape of Colin Farrell's sex tape. Yeah.

Oh, I love Colin Far farrell he can do no wrong he was a bad boy who could have had it all but he stepped away from his hollywood land and now he's you know gone for high-end projects wait is he still working what's he baby he's an He's everywhere A24 He is He is Mr. A24 I see Yeah Oh I love him And he's so good In Bruges

I watched that again the other day Bruges Yeah In Bruges What's that? Bruges It's a great movie So good

Probably one of my favourite movies It's really good I never heard of it Anyway Watch in Bruge have you seen the batman where is the penguin zelda yeah you'd love that you haven't seen the new you'd love that it's like the acolyte but in gotham city no don't you like batman i thought you liked all superheroes no dc get real diet coke original flavor only But this one's not part of the DC Universe necessarily

Batman darling Well it's kind of like an alternate Timeline Here's Matt just reaching out Trying to give you a recommendation And you're shooting him down I reckon give it a try If you like superheroes

You love superheroes No I don't like Batman You love those superheroes I like Arnold Schwarzeneg superheroes. No, I don't like Batman. You love those superheroes. I like Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze and Uma. Oh, you like that kind of Batman. I like that one. But that's it. I don't like self-serious Batman.

Yeah, Robert Pattinson as Batman. He's very emo. Oh, no. Well, that's enough out of all of them Alan Farrell was the Joker? No he's the penguin Penguin Yeah

The Riddler Quack quack Okay well maybe that's my homework Yeah you can go and watch that Paul Dano's in it Yeah he's great I love Paul Dano Little Miss Sunshine

Paul Dano Steven Spielberg's dad Paul Dano He's that man Paul He's probably my favourite actor Dano Paul Dano. Steven Spielberg's dad, Paul Dano. He's that man. Paul? He's probably my favorite actor. Dano. Paul Dano?

Maybe. God, we're hitting on all your favorites. What? Yeah, I reckon. I've never seen this person in my life. Have you seen his sex tape? I've never seen this person in my life. Paul Dano's sex tape.

I'd watch that. Who is he? We'll watch some shows We'll watch some movies this week Don't worry He kind of looks like that tall one from Succession Is it that guy? No

Okay You never saw Little Miss Sunshine? No Oh you'd love it It's got Tony Collette Greg Kinnear Abigail Breslin Ariana Grande's greatest enemy.

Okay. Okay. Listener, great job this week. I hope you keep doing it. You do it, and no one can stop you. Yeah. Love you. Goodbye.

Bye. Death to Everyone was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Shears. Our theme song and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. If you've got something to say to us, send it to us at death to everyone pod at gmail.com. And we're just supporters at patreon.com slash death to everyone. Kisses for you. Bye bye. Thank you.