Death To Everyone - Death To... Circus Performers, Women Speakers & Invitations

Episode Date: April 29, 2026

Well well well... Look who came crawling back for more...I knew we would see you again. Typical!Enjoy Follow us, won't you? ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠���⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ You can send us a voicemail at ⁠www.speakpipe.com/deathtoeveryone⁠Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103⁠

Hello, listener. Hello out there. Listener. How are you? I feel like listeners feeling quite generous. Are they? Yeah. And I don't know.

I feel like they can't help but observe media. And things that are somewhat outstanding within the genre of media. Would you say? I would say. And why would we say that? Well, I think you're pronouncing it wrong. It's Medea. Listener, you little minks, thank you for nominating

Laser Susan and myself on behalf of this podcast for the outstanding contributions to Media. Yes, at the Medea Awards. The annual drag awards, so drag and cabaret awards, celebrating the highest caliber of talent within the video. Victorian field. A few things to say on that. Few things to say.

When the nomination came out, I rushed after getting a message being like, did you know you were nominated for something at this year's Medea Awards? And I thought, what? And then rushed to my phone to find like the placards on the Medea's stories

that show the various nominations. And on those placards, it says, outstanding achievements in Medea and then it's got all the different nominees, obviously the incredible Miss Dina Coory Miss Art Simone Yeh. Who are the other

nominees? Joy FM. Joy FM. And Jimmy the Queen. And Jimmy. Yeah. It's a great category stacked with the most delicious folk. And then it says Lazy Susan and Zelda Moon. And then I'm like

time to do a repost. I didn't realize that it was and for all our contributions to media. I thought it was just for, like, I thought it was for everything we've been doing. That's why they hadn't said death to everyone. And so I posted it being like, this is because of our podcast

and because of the witchy girls. And I went on the website, it was like, just for death to everyone. Well, don't get ahead of yourself. Witchie girls is coming out this week. We contributed a trailer. They don't even know how much we're going to contribute. to media this year.

We've never stopped contributing to media. But thankfully, witcher girls comes out across the voting period. I would say as well, where maybe third in frequency, in like, if the prize was given for most media created, number one, Q News, Dina Quarry.

Because I don't know if you know this listener, but Miss Frock Hudson, Q News, Miss Dean Okre. You will run into Dean working at a bar. It'll be 8 o'clock at night and you'll like drop in somewhere and he'll have like three beverages in front of him and his laptop and just like, oh sorry, doll, I'll just got to finish this story real quick. And he's like finishing up something about like, I don't know, Victorian permit reform for

like queer pride celebrations in the park in queue. Yeah. But he's like, oh, no, no, no, I've just got an interview and I think it's gone really well. And then he's like, just gets this article out. He is like the hardest working. Yeah. And then I suppose Joy does programming it all day every day. Yeah.

But that's not as much as... It's a quantity of quality thing. And then it's us, I think. Because we do a podcast every week. Weekly podcast. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Is that a quantity or a quality thing? That's quantity. Excuse me? I mean, he's who is very quick. on quantity. I think we know why. Because of how much quantity there is. Well, that's it. It couldn't possibly be anything else.

Oh, my God. Well, I'm very proud of this Wiggly podcast that we do. And I'm so appreciative of our little nomination. It's going to be fab. Yes. And you can head to the Medea's website to vote for us. And do you have a speech ready? I will.

Yeah, what's it going to be? I just... I just... And so on. And then you say, I have sat in silence in this room for over a decade

waiting for the sun to shine upon my small wilted lily And today it shines. This really is a city of angels. Yeah. We need to talk about our loops. Ooh, death.

To everyone. Yeah. Maybe you could go as like something that brings death to everyone. I'm coming as smallpox. You can come with bigpox. I'll run around together as a team. I was going to say that I'll go as a guillotine, but this is also hilarious.

But congratulations to you as well, Matt. Couldn't do it without you. Oh, thank you. Look, my name's not on the award nomination, but should be. The real list is no. We can't have a straight man nominated at the Gay Awards. That's right.

You don't want to take up space. What is it the category? Is it just drag or is it gay? gay things it's the Dragon Cabaret Award Dragon Cabaret yeah so you could be nominated

in Cabaret I suppose I've done cabarets before but I've never done drag so maybe maybe I should get dressed up maybe come with you he's beginning his journey

yes you can either come as a drag queen or you can come as a newspaper boy or a guillotine or a guillotine maybe we go as executioners Yeah What about like a jester

Like a drag jester Part of the court The court of the royal There's the executioner And then the jester Yeah Yeah Oh yeah

It could be the executioner That'd be cool Hmm Yeah Great So many options So there's so many categories I'm just looking it up

Yeah Drag Drag queen of the year Is that one of them Yeah Now lazy What did you Win last year

I did win Did you? Yeah I think I remember that now. Yeah. I just got so many awards now. It's hard to keep up. But that was a very high honor.

Yeah. And so I could want for nothing else except to see this thing that I do with my sister celebrated. There's a week stylist of the year. Oh, yeah. It's Mimi LaMinge, Miss Esther Rick. It's very excited for those two girls. And bitch of the year. Bitch of the year is apparently that's a category that's just about who is the best host.

essentially, right? I think that's the... I was really confused about it for years, for bitch of the years. And then how did it explain? It's like, it's the best person on a mic. Yeah. Yeah.

Which checks out. Yeah. Those two things kind of go hand in. She's a real bitch. Anyway. So, Fab. So thanks, thanks, everyone. I said thank you.

Is that what we do for our except? speech. Thank you. Thank you. I said, thank you. Oh, maybe. Oh, well. We'll start preparing now. Yeah. What else? How are you, lazy, Susan? I'm good. We've just finished our Acme shadow cast of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Yes, thank you for joining us at Cimonyers and Baton Coutura.

And that was, you know, listen, we've had this massive lead-up to the, witchie girls premiere screening. Yes. And so having that in tandem with post-production of the show itself. So like every day we're, you know, getting new sound edits through and adding new bits and bobs and getting the credits finalized and all these kinds of like the little finicky things you don't even think about until you're neck deep in it. And then on top of that, we were doing the Acme stuff and getting ready for the Acme screening. And so it was like all of these things just like ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-on-of-it. And then, yeah, finally it all, like, now it's, like, starting to thin out a little bit, which is so nice.

I love to be really busy, but there comes a point where it, like, tips from being like, oh, I have something to do. I know exactly what I'm doing. I've got, like, one thing after another, like, lots of little activities. and then suddenly it comes to a point where I'm like, oh no, there's actually too much to do. And I feel completely overwhelmed because I'm like, no matter what I'm doing or focusing on, there's not enough time.

And so I'm like, I'm falling behind on all the other things. But the gig, I think was fabulous. I think the audience had a really good time going to Acme essentially just, you know, like a regular movie ticket except, wait, what's this? This four drag queens. and they're doing silly things.

I think it was really fun. Whether you liked that or not, whether you paid for that or not. Well, exactly. Some people just wanted to watch the movie. Not bloodily. Not with a sunshed. It was really fun.

My highlight from the evening. Highlight, low light. Let's not do the low lights. Well, I mean, there's a fabulous image slash video of art. kind of front and center doing the like silver moment on top of the bus. Yeah. Like you and Pash holding out the thing and I've got the little spotlight on her face and it's

just like that is so fun. But there is a point in the film where the Devatrons take a inflated doll to the skies. And so we took an inflated doll to the chairs of audience members and watching that doll dance around and become more and more inflated with every thwack from someone trying to watch a movie. It was quite magical and I really enjoyed it. And then she sailed all the way back down and she was like spat out and thrown onto the stage. Her like now limp vinyl body like folded over the edge of the stage. It was. Her gaping more screaming a silent screen. And her doll eyes closed as she was horizontal at the time. It was so funny. God, we had that inflatable

doll. Oh my God, so good. Like, actually. Yeah. Yes. And that doll is from when we performed with Rove Big Manus. Yes. At the opening of the Garden of UnEarthly delights at Adelaide Fringe. And our dear system is benign girl.

Was late? Yeah. By a day to the Adelaide. She was driving. Yeah, yeah. So she wasn't going to be there in time for that. So we went to the local sexeteria. And she said, do you guys have an inflatable doll?

And they're like, this isn't 1980. Yeah. And then they dusted off the highest shelf in the back of the shop and said, this one we do have remaining. And it was like they clearly, yeah, just had one in stock left over from the 80s. Yes. And it was great. And we held onto it just in case because you never know.

This is the issue with drag. Do you think you'll never need it again? And then the day will come and you'll look for it and you go, wait, I got rid of that thing. I would never get rid of a thing. Yeah. You can't. You simply can't. But yeah, and so now we're getting, and this will be coming out next week.

Right? No, this week. This week coming. Yeah. Well, listener, I am currently building the giant step and repeat for the premiere, step and repeat being the photo opportunity. And they're going to be a giant video cassette and a giant video cassette case of the witchy girls about six, seven foot high. And God damn, I'm so excited to have that done. Yeah.

Oh. Mm-hmm. And the new witchy girls vending machine, which will be set up at Comedy Republic. Yes. Which is a very petite wall-hanging vending machine. But it's so cute. What do you get in the vending machine? We're going to be selling...

I know I'm going to tell these people now, because this is our fabulous reveals. We're going to be selling the booster packs of the tarot card decks that we're doing. Or I think you'll even be able to buy the... entire tarot card deck in there potentially. But yeah, and then the sticker books. We're doing sticker books as well. Of characters from the show, obviously. Of, well, of Susan and Zelda from the show.

And fabulous objects and props. Yeah. No, but the tarot is a... Oh, the tarot has everyone. Yes. Yeah, we were, we had like... Anyway, there's a long story there, but we do have everyone in there. Yeah.

Except for anyone that we shot after. the time that I started designing the terror. Well, there's an incredibly rich and full roster of cast. Yeah. It is a very, like, huge cast for such a small show. Yes, but... Such a big cast or such a little girl. It's just quantity over.

Yeah, well, once again, but just more. More is better. Yeah. Lazy has single-handedly crafted the most beautiful set of 90s, kind of trading hard inspired turn tarot cards to reflect the witchy girls and their six adventures across six fabulous episodes and they're so amazing. Truly all one of a can so be excited for that. Get down.

Also the other thing about it is, and this is dedicated to my sister Zelda, that we had for the tarot deck the option to do like a little slipbox, like a little like, you know, flat box that you might, you know, get anything in. But so we got to design that. And in the show, we have our spelling book. You might have seen me talk about it on the Instagram. But as I was designing it, I was like the box will look like it's the book. Yeah.

So that if it's like sitting on a shelf, you could see the spine and on the other side, see the pages. And then I toyed with the idea of having the witchy girls, like, written somewhere on it. And in my mind, I heard Zelda say, it's in world. We're not infecting it with. like a logo that suggests that it knows that it's in the witchy girls. Exactly. Yes. Yes.

So it's just pure. Yes. Just so much dedication to the art. The art. The art. The media, you might say it was an outstanding. Contribution to the media. Also an exciting contribution to the media.

The last video store just recently posted my conversation with Alexei Ptollipolis. Oh, yes. Where we talked about the craft in online. honor of the witchy girls and the Blair Witch in honor of the Blair Witchy girls. And the Torch Song trilogy in honor of Harvey Feistine. Yeah. Yeah, encouraging people to go and listen to that. So, such a warm, sweet boy that Alexi, I love him.

And he messaged me maybe during drag race, being like, we have to have you on the pod sometime. And I was like, Alexi, what do you, like, why? Because like, I was a fan of the show and was a fan of him. But they normally have like filmmakers on the show. And I was like, I see myself as a filmmaker, but nothing about my presence on the show has suggested that I am a filmmaker, anything more than a drag queen. And it turns out he just loves drag race and has watched every season of the Down Under One and was watching the show and he's like, I felt I understood you. Yeah, he was really gushing over you. He's such a sweetie.

Gushing. Yeah. It's so good. Yeah, I love that. And you look? So good. I know. It's very, it was very affirming after some of the pictures that were posted on the Priscilla night.

There was one picture posted by Karen from Finance, who I love, my dear sister. Yes. But if I tell you that that was character assassination, Um, someone saw that picture and was like, Seldr is like 10 foot taller than you in that picture. Yeah. Yeah. You look so short and stumpy. Oh my God.

And there's like a perfect, uh, perfect storm of things in this picture. Yeah. Where I'm wearing like a comfortable heel. So it's like not, not a six inch. So my posture isn't right. And I'm standing next to people in six inch heels. I've got my new pads on. So my.

my ass is massive. Yes. And then my arm is in the nook where you could see that I'm singed. So it looks like I go straight up from ass all the way to back. And then I have my body, like, turned to the camera so you can see, instead of seeing where the cinch is happening. Yeah. You're seeing where the cinch is pushing all of your body down towards your gunt. And so it just, I have never seen a worst photo of, like, not the face.

Not unhappy with the face. No, I know, yeah. But it was just the most, I look like, and the posture, the stance is like, I'm trying to, like, stop people running through a concert hall door or something. You've got that side job at Festival Hall now. Yeah, literally, as a bollard. Yeah. I could stop a car at 50 paces.

Oh, my God. But, yeah, it was truly like, I could not. And also to add insult to injury. I got the incredible opportunity to be in a music video recently for, I won't say hook because I don't want to spoil their surprise but I got called by the director and he was like, oh yeah, do you want to come and do this music video? I'm like, oh my God, thank you, yes, I'd love to.

Yeah, you're going to play the drag version of the singer, the songstress. And I was like, amazing. And I was like, so like, oh, well, like what's the kind of bit? And he's like, well, you just learn this part of the song. I'll send it through the song tomorrow. But she's going to be looking in the mirror and then you're going to be on the other side of the mirror. And then it'll be really funny

because you're going to be taller than her. And I was like, well, I don't know that I understand. It was funny about that, but I don't know. You're the director. So we'll see. I'm so excited. And I'm thinking, like, of all the iconic drag queens in music videos, like, you know, I'd rather do it with Madonna from, you know,

Fountains of Wayne, that kind of thing. Wait, is that Stacey's mom? Who knows? Anyway, you know. And then the next day I get the lyrics. And the lyrics say, looking at myself in a bikini, in a full-length mirror,

well, there's a disappointing side. Why did I eat all those potato scallops? That's some really good lyrics So when she's looking at herself in the mirror reciting those lyrics You think God, that doesn't make sense She's so tall Well, no, you're keeled over laughing

And how tall I am But on the day, surely it landed Better I don't know I mean, I wonder I mean From what I saw, you look fantastic Thank you

I had to make sure I looked fantastic Yes Because there was no option I was being sullied. I was being negged. I do feel like I'm in my getting negged era. Oh. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Well, I'm very proud to be the first big girl winner of Down Under. Oh, my God. Christ. You know? Now that Max is gone, I will carry on the legacy. Oh, my Lord. Well, that's good.

How? I did, don't know that I actually saw you in. the wig. How did the wig go? The wig was, so it will make sense, but there was a wig that we had to get designed around this woman's hair. And this woman just has fabulous woman hair, not like drag queen hair.

So fabulously, Fibriest stepped in and styled up one of Zelda's old wigs that was in the right tones and made this like, it was actually like the campiest, biggest version of this hair you could possibly do. And I was obsessed because

that's what I, like it wasn't glamor push hair, it was drag hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was quite camp. I think it looked good. Yeah. Sick. So, yes, we'll see.

But also, like, the... It's that weird thing of you have to... You have to remind yourself that you're not meant to always look good. Jesus. You should be wanting to make people, like, have a laugh. So you can look silly. And that's okay. God.

Well, you just did that by being so tall. Well, thank you. Oh, that's good. I went to the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra last night. Oh, but... And I'd love to tell you of my experience. Go on. So fabulous co-producers of the witchy girls, Annie and Lauren.

Lauren had organized for us to go and see Jurassic Park with the live orchestration provided by the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra which was fabulous and I was saying to lazy earlier but it was quite interesting watching that film without the full mix because I think they're very intentionally obviously pull the score out but pull out some other bits so that in a live experience your focus lays on the fucking incredible musicians before you,

which were just so spectacular. And just that, you know, experience of all of these musicians playing in complete unison for hours is such a thing to behold. And that score is so brilliant. It was just like so special. But it is quite funny watching a film that I'm so familiar with, all the beats and every sound effect. Yes.

And it being like, oh, look at that Velociraptor, silently ripping apart that person. But I can hear the orchestra really well. And did you add in some sound effects? I was tempted to. But don't worry, the people sitting behind me were sure to fill in so many of the gaps. Like when the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra are playing the, you know, most celebrated piece of music from that film and all I can hear from behind.

Quite literally behind me is No, no, no, no, no, fucking shut up. Shut up. He's saying to his child, but he's the one humming. He was swearing at his kids the whole way through because they were like excited. But like actually saying like, fucking shut up. And his kids were like eight years old.

I was like, this is not it. Patsu should bring knives back. Yes. Get the machetes out. It was crazy. Cut him like a jungle vine. And he. Hearing the parents whispered to each other the whole way through the entire film.

That's rude. I was like, what are you heathens doing here? What example are you setting? Yes. What time was it? It was a Friday night? Friday night. Friday?

The session started at 7.30, so it wrapped around like 9.30-ish. There's a big outing for them. Yes. I know that because halfway through the day. dad said, I'm usually in bed by now. It's like, cool. What is the dad's vibe? Blue collar worker, tradie?

Nah. Like, do you think he owns a fish and chip shop? I feel like he, like, works in a family company. Yeah. It was probably not set up by him. Oh, the layabout brother. Yes. But he's got kids.

Two kids. And a beautiful wife? I actually couldn't even look. The tears of it. rage we're so feeling your eyes. It's just like, shut up, shut up. But do you know what we need to get you into? Turning around and being like, could you shut the fuck up?

I was almost there. Like, you got to get good at just shushing. But it's just like, because then I'm making noise. Yeah, but you're doing one big noise. One noise for the benefit of all. I mean, listen, I would never do that myself. But you know, sometimes you need to be with someone who's going to do that. It was crazy.

Could you, sorry, you know people can hear your voice. Yeah. Because we were like 20 seconds in and they started. And I was like, I was going to turn around and be like, are you going to do this for the whole thing? I just want to check. Because I want, are you going to pay the refund for me? So outrageous. You owe me.

But, um, she said at the end. You owe me. I will take a child, your first born. I'll take, mm. Okay. Both of you sing a song for me and that will just. sad. No!

But yeah, it was really, really fun. Very, very, very amazing show. One of our friends was up on stage, which I didn't realize because we were quite close, so we couldn't see, like, I couldn't see every performer. But, yeah, so great. And then, like, this is the most boring part of the story. But I don't know, I've had my phone for a couple years and the charge just doesn't last a full day.

So when we were going in, I was on like 7%. And I was like, okay, I have to get up early to do the podcast. I'm kind of tempted to just get an Uber straight home so that I'm there in 20 minutes instead of an hour. To like go to bed and be fresh for this outstanding contribution to media. Fresh he is. But I was like, okay, well, with 7% and in three hours time, question mark, like that is pushing it. but we'll just see what happens. So I turned my phone off.

Then when I turned it back on, it was on 2%. Is that cool? Well, it looks like I'm getting the train home. Because, of course, with 2%, you're going to book the Uber, and then your phone will die, and you can't remember the number played, and it's a disaster or whatever.

weren't you with people? Yeah. Couldn't Annie have helped. She's your producer. No, I've asked enough of those women. Like, no. Annie doesn't want to leave you stranded. Stay on your own podcast.

But I also was, I was like, I can just, the other thing is that, like, I don't want to do that journey home on PT and then the walk without my headphones in to listen to, you know, Madonna's new song or whatever. Because then I'll just be left with my thoughts for an hour, which is not my favorite thing to do in the world. No. So, I was like, okay, so we come out, I've got 2%. I'm like, well, that's, I can't risk the Uber. That's going to be a disaster. So I'm like, all right, I'll just get the train. So we say goodbye to Lauren.

Then Annie and I go to Flinders Street to get our respective trains. We arrive. Annis is in a couple minutes. Beautiful. Mine's in 22 minutes. Which means it's now like an hour and 22 to, like I say that. My train's about 20 minutes and then it's like a 35 minute walk, which I love. My new route home.

But anyway, so I'm like, fuck, I say goodbye to Annie, and then I'm there. I'm like, I really don't want to do this. But I can't get an Uber, but I'm at Flinders Street. Oh, there's the taxi rank right there. Ah, and you've got your wallet? Yeah, so I'm like, I can still use money. So I'm like, ugh, I don't usually do that, but like, it's fine, whatever. Taxi.

You don't need to hear that. No. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. Like, the public transport to get here was free, so whatever. So I go up. And there's like a huddle of taxi drivers at like the front of the like permanently fenced off thing. Because it is like a thing that there's a constant taxi cavalcade there for everyone. Yeah.

But like semi-official. Yeah, it's the official Flinders Street taxi rang. Yes, it's like, you know. the official spot at the busiest train station in the city of Melbourne. So I arrive. They're not in their cars ready to go. They're outside having a chinwank. These weird car people.

Yeah. And so I'm standing there looking at them like, well boys, what are we doing? Hello? Hi. And then they look at each other and they're like, where are you going? I was like, ask at veil. And then they look at each other. and then one of them like reluctantly is like okay I'll take you I'm like cool so then I kind of like go through the little like barricade thing and he's not the first car which like it's fine but bizarre because like you'd think it'll rank the ranking helps if you're in the first position you'd take the first one but no because it's fucking taxis they all want to pick and choose where they're driving to yeah for the big scores yeah you think

Ascotvale is the big score. Like, it's a 20 minute drive, like, from the city. Yeah. It's like a whole day's wage. Oh. So then I'm like kind of following him through the ranks to his car. Yeah. Which is fine.

And so we get in and then he's like, so askovale? I'm like, yeah. And he's like, what's the address? And so I tell him and he puts it in. And he's like, yeah, okay. And like he's doing that on his like. you know like Google Maps or whatever but I'm also like looking around the car and I'm like where's the fucking this isn't a taxi this is just like some guy's car oh my god

Zelda what the fuck do you mean and I'm well I'm like what the fucking taxi sign on top of the roof well I didn't again I was too enraged following the events to look but they're in the fucking taxi thing I think a lot of taxis are just regular cars these days yes Well, there certainly was like no yellow cabs in that whole thing. But I'm like, some of them did have, but I don't know if this one had the actual like taxi thing on top. Anyway, the last, like I have occasionally caught a taxi in the last couple of years. Like I haven't exclusively moved to Uber in like times of distress. Yeah.

So like normally you get in and there's the fucking little charge meter of like every 10 meters. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I love that. Right. Um, so that is what I was expecting as it was a cab rank. So he popped on my address and he's like, cool, yeah, so it's 60 bucks. And I, and then he like put it into like a square and then like put it to the back. And I was like, sorry, $60.

It's like, yeah. He's like, what? How much would it normally be? I was thinking to like do the negotiation of that outrageous. price. And I was like, in an Uber, it would be $22. Yeah. And he was like, well, this isn't an Uber. Obviously. And I said, I'm going to get out now. Yeah. And then I got out and I slammed the door. And I went and waited for the train.

Good for you, girl. What the actual fuck. I, like, it is, what has happened to the taxi industry is obviously barbaric. Like, I think, like, it's very sad. what Uber has come and done. Yeah. It has destroyed, like, people's living wage. However, the attitude that some of these drivers get, you're like, no fucking wonder people were so excited for an alternative. Right?

To me, it's not just the price. It's the thing of, like, well, where are you going? Yeah. And it's like, what do you mean? What? Take me where I want to go. Yeah. You're just like, sorry.

Any wherever. There's a right or, like, I need to tell you, like, give you right or wrong answers for you to, like, consider daining to do the thing that we're here to do. Yeah. It's like, if you walked into a store, they were like, yeah, well, what do you want to eat? Oh, no, can't. Yeah. How much money do you have? Yeah.

Like, it's just like, are you kidding? Like, what other service is provided in such a fashion? Yeah. It's insane. But and it's also just this like, I don't know, those kind of men, like, oh my God, blokey men in their like 50s and 60s. Oh, yeah, he scamby so much. Yes.

And like, I don't know, I just want you to be like, yeah, get in, let's go. Yeah. And oh my God, it was just crazy. So that was the taxi part. But then. So then I'm now like, thankfully, because of that, and was only now waiting for about eating. minutes for the train.

So I'm there waiting at the platform for the Craigieburn line. And your full Velociraptor inflatable outfit, yes. Well, I did have my Velocraptor headband, but because the audience was like exclusively, near exclusively, like straight white men, I didn't feel particularly encouraged to put on my Velasiraptor headband that is a velociraptor with a tiny body that looks like a tromping down on my head. You're just a year, Zelda. I know. I got at Universal Studios in Japan.

Anyway. So I wasn't wearing that. But I was standing around waiting, not listening to music because I still wanted to just like, I don't know, we'd just be nominated for it. I just had to keep my phone on me to just see if any excited messages came through. And then the fucking footy crowd start to roll in. And it was like, what do you mean? And then I'm standing there like a sardine for 18 minutes. Like, people just keep appearing.

And it was like, I literally couldn't move. Like, I was already up against the wall, but, like, crammed on this platform. And that smells. Oh, and just like. Like, it's, they're all sweaty and dry. And drunk and bogans. Yeah. But like bless or whatever.

Uh-huh. And then so I kind of like gleam that there's going to be like there's weird that the weight is so long for the line. There must have been some incident or something because on the little display it's like Craigieburn in 18 and then in 19 and then in 24 minutes. like they were kind of banked up. So I'm like, okay, that's good to know because if I'm this crammed now, I don't want to be this crammed on the train. So then the train eventually arrives

and it has to pull in so slowly because even though there's a conductor on like the platform being like, everyone get behind the fucking yellow line, all of these assholes are just like basically sitting with their legs dangling over the edge. Like, where's the train? And so the train is pulling in. The driver has the door open.

And he is like, with his arm out the window, like, shooing people fucking back off the platform. Because he can't safely just drive in. That's crazy. Ridiculous. Like, kind of... That's at Flinders Street. Yes.

Oh, my God. It's like, no wonder the news stations have all the barricades and shit. Because what the. Like, how stupid could you be? Anyway. So the train arrives. Everyone gets on. And I'm the only person that doesn't.

Because I'm like, I'd rather actually set myself with fire. Rejecting more modes of transport as you could. I shan't be taking this taxi or this train. I'm not doing that. Like, you think I'm going to get on with you people? I'll wait an hour. And then watching more footy fans arrive. frantically scurrying through the doors.

They can't fucking leave the platform because another Bogan arrives and rips open the doors as it's being closed to just jam themselves in. Oh, I'm like, if an apocalypse happens, like, they don't need to be turned into zombies to just be like mindless fucking plebs scarring around. Like, they'll do it without a virus.

Yeah. So then I'm like, okay, well, the next one's in, literally two minutes. The platform will not fill up as quickly, but it very nearly does. Oh, Mama. Anyway, the next one I do get on, and it's fine. I like, yeah.

You're listening to your part. No. You're listening to your thoughts about how much you hate these people. Yes, basically. See, that would be a great spinoff podcast, just to train a stream of consciousness. It's like that Elaine in the Seinfeld episode of somewhere. So then, I mean, there were some highlight characters on my train ride.

There was a fabulous woman in front of me with her, like, Bogan. Like, they were all Bougains, but, like, middle-aged Bougains with, like, probably, like, a couple children who were, like, in their 20s. They're just seeing Jurassic Park, behind you. Okay. That's the, that's the type. Yeah. It's funny that you got all those random Bougain boys at the Jurassic Park one that were not already captured at the other Oval.

Right? Yeah. God. They're like, you know we're going to see the orchestra. Yeah. And then there were these like three really like hot, cunty girls sitting in a little like... That had gone to the footy. No, no, no, no, no, no.

They were going out, I presume. But they were sitting in like a little two-seater facing each other. And this one random guy who I don't think had been in either event sat down and the way that the key diva rolled. her eyes as he sat next to her to her girlfriends being like as if this fucking pleb would sit down with us was so amazing and he was completely oblivious like wasn't even like perving on them or anything um which good but anyway it wasn't even perving on them I mean we wasn't even perving on them but oh my god they were so she was so insulted by his presence it was amazing um

Then there was a guy further down the carriage that I saw catch my eye a few times. And I was like, you have been into footy and you're on the edge. So that was fun. On the edge of what? He was like, I was obviously the only faggot on that train. It's like, why did you keep catching my eye? Oh, do you think he was looking for some after footy play? Perhaps.

After footy training. Yeah. Was he a cutie? He, like, objectively yes. But like, you look like a bogan footballer kind of. the thing. Oh my God. Even better. Yeah, but like, no, it wasn't quite right. Anyway, you were like, let's walk for half an hour at my house. It's worked before. Anyway, then when I got off the train, the woman that was right in my vicinity with her

like friends, in the lead-up, because of course I was cursed by hearing the conversation as I wasn't listening to music, was like, well, I hope you got your pepper spray. How long's the walk to your house? Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, well, my duty is the gay man. here is to ensure by peripheral vision that this woman makes it home safely and also not be a threat to her. Yeah, we're like, put on your velociraptor headband. Right. So we get out the trade and she also gets off at the same station.

And we then are walking in the same direction and I was like, I'm going to use the last of my battery to put on my flashlight so that you know where I am. And I'm like, I was like, sorry? I was like, I'm going to get out my mints to rattle it around so that you know that I'm up here and I'm not stressing you out. She's not a cat. Anyway, I lost her at some point. She's like, who was that insane man rattling that tin of mince with a flashlight wildly pointed in the... Oh.

We're all the same here. Anyway, and then I made it home and that was it. God, that was, you know, homer. Odyssey. Zelda's return. Was it worth it? Was it worth it? Yeah, good point.

Going out somewhere to just be annoyed at every turn. No, it was mostly the $60 taxi that I was outraged by. But the rest was fabulous. I tell you what, I live in Clifton Hill, without giving too much way. But the way that the footy-going community, has figured out their little trick, their little piece of folk advice of where to park

when you're going into the MCG and coming in bridge and tunnel from fucking, you know, Ballarat and Bendigo. And you park in my neighborhood and take all the fucking street parking. So the other night when I dropped you off, I came home and spent

maybe 15 minutes driving around my fucking neighborhood because every single available parking spot and illegal spot was completely full with families that were parking

so that they could then get on the train to go one stop or two stops to go to the fucking MCG. Boo! I'm sorry, I understand that you people have these bizarre rituals but does that mean you have to inflict it upon me. I understand that you all want to go into this giant shape every so often and bark at a bunch

of young men. But does that mean that even the outlying suburbs in the crash zone have to take the hit? It is seriously like one of those maps where they show you like when an atomic bomb goes off who's affected. You're in the radius. Well like I'm not in the immediate impact zone but but I'm going to get the die of the radiation. Yes. you know, in the coming weeks. My God. Yeah. And it's just so, and it happens with like that and all these like sporting events.

And then I have to see these people like with these disgusting synthetic scarves raped around there. I don't know, puffered chested bodies. Yeah, just I hate it. Yeah. But it's also like watching those children, those poor hapless children that are being inducted. It's like Hitler youth shit. Like they're being taught about how to live.

in our culture and society. This is what we do here. Yeah. And they just, they don't know. No. Yeah. Not it. And do you know what?

There's never been a single episode of football. AFL that has passed the Bechdel test. And do you know what else? You're so right. If you were watching a show, right, on TV, treating it like entertainment as it is, and it's often on TV. In fact, the highest rated TV show on this kind of,

country. Is AFL? I think so. Oh my God. Certainly the grand final. Yeah, true. With Katie Perry. Of Katie Perry.

She's on season five or whatever. Yeah. It doesn't pass the Bechel test and there's like two endings. Like red winds or yellow wins. Oh, yeah. Sorry? Or there's a tie. Yeah.

Which I don't think happens. Not often. I think they go into overtime. Oh. No. they don't. Oh, in the grand final. It's a binary thing.

Yes or no? In the grand final they do. They do overtime. And it's always the same location. The costumes remain the same. There's no dialogue. Mm-mm. Like, what the fuck is so interesting?

It's just not our world. You actually do not need to do that much. People watch it. Like, people park their cars 15 kilometers away and walk. I don't know. Like they could, I just, explain it to me. I simply cannot.

And like, once the songs don't change, you're paying $15 for a meat pie. Like what? And you're crammed in to these tiny places. The majority, if the majority of your evening is trudging, why are you signing up for?

Like trudging and sitting. Yeah. On those. Bit of disappointment. Because that's what I feel like, concerts too like having to like you know it's like how much of my night is going to be enjoying the thing probably not a huge amount maybe like the duration of one song but the majority of the night is going to be like shoved and then trudging trudging with crowds of people as if it's like

the great depression we're migrating to a fucking california to try and find farm work we're trudging up a lane to try and get on a train oh can't get on the first three trains because they're filled with the other human chattel being loaded up to go back to their homes. It's like, oh, and on top of all that trudging, what do you mean you're paying money for it? You're paying so much money for the indignity of trudging and being shoved. Yeah. And watching someone you like on a screen

that's actually tiny on stage. Absolutely fucking not. This is not going to go well when we go on Arena Spectacular Tour. If we ever fill out Rod Lever Arena, I'll be making sure there's an anti-trudging rule. You know? We'll airlift everyone in. Yes. Yeah. And out.

Okay. I don't remember whose turn it is, but let's say it's yours. Okay. I have decided. I found out recently, and I don't know if. this is true and I do not care to be corrected, but that the oil tankers that travel the world's oil supplies and gas and stuff are these giant ships that are so colossally huge,

and they travel really slowly, almost at the pace of a bicycle through the ocean, but are in such constant rotation that it's like, one's always about to come in to replenish the oil supplies of any given country. They're importing their oil and gas. And now, as a result of the street of Amuse being closed, I don't know what happened there. No. Someone left the boom gate down or something.

But the, I had, you know, like these slow moving tankers, right? That's the idea. In my mind, there's like a, there's a, an, evil curse, you know, and evil, you know, when I discovered evil chalices in medieval kingdoms and things that have kind of like a bizarre, you know, witchy half-life kind of thing, they pack them all onto this treasure barge, you know? And the treasure barge's job is to just stay constantly in motion so as not to accumulate the evil magic in any one spot. So you could imagine it's just giant shipping containers, but inside is all these

paintings and artifacts from around the world that have all been cursed in various ways by various deities. But the one rule is it can never stop. And if it stops, the magic are in such high concentration in one space that they will

explode out into the world. In kind of what is it? Chaos, you know, reality redefining. Yeah, proportions. So, this barge that travels, you know, around the world,

like an atomic submarine kind of thing. It just doesn't stop. It just keeps moving. Was stopped recently as a result of the closure of the street of all moves. Because it was trying to turn around. It broke down. Is that falling asleep?

This is like a lullaby. No, no, no. I was gasping. And yawning. The magic has, the reality redefining magic has, you know, started to decay. and is exploding out and affecting reality. And then a few weeks in,

it's now decomposing everyone's sense of reality. So up is now down, back is now front. Everything is twisted. Straws are dissolving into people's cups. Hats are turning into shoes. Shoes are turning into feet and feet. You don't even want to know what they've done to the feet. And so the whole world goes to this kind of squeal-y-woo abstracted chaos.

Yeah. Except for the contents of our bunker, which have a reality shield. Of course. Yeah. That's good. Thank you. Mm. And that's how the world ends.

I like it. Men turning into paintings. Oh. And what about their feet? Oh, don't even get me, darling. Okay. Well, with that, we'll be right back. Goodbye.

Get into today's episode. Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Hello, listener. Hello, listener. So our friend that incredibly is part of the MSO who performed last night, who I didn't see, was like, oh, how do you enjoy the show, blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh, it was great.

Also, there were two really hot guys on the right-hand side. And she said, oh my God, does that? describe and so I said one had like a trendy mullet look youngish maybe I don't know on a string I don't know what the instrument was oh the other had glasses on a cello maybe and then she said this is fun I'm going to brainstorm oh come on that's pretty descriptive yeah mullet there was like a in his 20s mullet guy and then there was the other one kind of behind him on yeah maybe cell or like is there is there a is there a bass in a an orchestra mat, is that an instrument?

Uh-huh. Like a triple, treble? Trouble bass? A triple bass? A triple bass? Triple bass. He was maybe on a triple bass. No, a double bass.

Oh, double bass. Double bass, yeah. Do you know him, man? I presume we all know each other. Who? What? He was really cute. No?

No, too really. Anyway, that's fine. It's a man with a job. Yeah. What could be wrong with that? Nothing. Okay, listener. Yes. It's time for our first topic of discussion today.

Which circus freak gets into the bunker. Are you allowed to call them that now? Well, we're talking about like classic circus freak. Say chic, classic. Yeah. Or like circus performer. No, but I mean like are we doing like... The oddities. The oddities.

The bear on a ball. Well, I had, I don't think we, maybe we did call it that. It was different. It was the 90s. But for my 16th birthday, we had me and my friend Kate, a circus. We had like a circus freak themed party. For your 16th birthday. Yeah.

Which we were like, yeah, you know, come as like the tattooed woman, the mustache woman. I don't think it ever got problematic. But, you know, obviously, that was a Frank Albem or whatever was quite a problematic and abusive man who rallied a bunch of people and shoved them into circuses. Not great. But, you know, you were 16. Well, we, yeah, I think we somehow managed to get away from all that.

But it was a fun vibe. What did you go at us? I went as I think I went as the ringleader I think it was also circus Had a profound affair Yeah It was a very fun night

We also had a giant fruit bowl of punch Which was available to all of our guests Of all ages Yes And it was an alcoholic punch Crazy And it was we said My friend Kate's mother's

recipe And her mother was there Because we're in the like basement of their house and we'd set it all up like a carnival vibe and her mother who's this fabulous kiwi woman um was watching and she thought it was very funny because this like there were people that had brought their own booze because it was a house party in the hills so obviously you bring your own supply of smirnoff double blacks and things um but they were of course young you know

the younger crowd like the 15 and 14 year olds who had brought no booze and then you were like pigging out on the punch bowl. Begin. And one of them was like really getting messy and was like, I'm so drunk. And then at 12 o'clock at night, we like started to do like a little speech. And we gave, you know, thank you all so much for coming and da-da-da. And one last thing.

There was no alcohol in that fruit punch. And, oh my God, Kate's mom was so, she thought it was the funniest thing. Because one of the girls was, like, vomiting in the back. Because she was like, I'm so drunk. And then we were like. The placebo effect is real. And we were like, well, you're vomiting. How many cups of that did you get?

And she's like, 15. That's probably, yeah. And like, well, I think you had 15 glasses of fruit juice in rap. in succession. Yes. You're going to vomit. And I'm so glad there wasn't alcohol in it because you would be dead. Yeah.

Oh my God. Yeah. And it was incredible. And there was like amazing. Like there was a fabulous girl that I went to school with called Maddie. And she was like, walks up to me. And she's like, Robbie. And I'm like, yeah.

And she's like, there's no alcohol on this, you fucking bitch. New straight away from a second stage was like, are you kidding? No. Oh, that's so good. But yeah. So there were those. who knew immediately, those who had no idea, and what a good night it was to reveal that. I love that.

What was the vomit girl dressed as? I can't remember. A seal, perhaps, with a ball on its nose? Yes, yes. By the end, she was the clown. I'm sure that's quite a traumatic story for her, wherever she is. I don't. really recall a 16th birthday party but for my 18th I had a big dress-up party and I went as

Aurora Monroe Storm from the X-Men. Oh, which I could confirm was with my original complexion. Oh, you didn't. Just to say. Yes. Just with a wig and black clothing, basically. As she's often wearing skin-tight black lacra. But with my... Whatever and elsewhere. Um, there was, oh, my friend Jen went as a stormtrooper and made like a color. board. Oh. Like, it was so good.

My favorite from the night, Alex, who was like total horse girl growing up, like had horses. I think still has horses. Anyway, she came as like the, the blackboard from Mr. Squiggle.

Oh, amazing. So cute with like just her head in the middle. I love that. What was the theme of the party? Just like dress up. Come as anything. Sorry?

Yeah. Zella, what do you mean? Just like dress up party. It's called fancy dress. Dress up. A dress up party. Dress up. What do you mean?

It's fancy. Fancy dress. Yeah. Just fancy dress. Come as something. Kind of that was. Yeah. Well, you didn't get off on embossing your friends around as much as I did.

I suppose. One of my friend Tegan came as Vigida. That was good. I guess. Yeah. Just dress up. Just dress up. Dress up.

Yeah, I feel like everyone went except for my straight best friend, Kyle. He didn't dress up. Why? A straight boy didn't dress up for a dress-up party. Yeah, no, outrageous. Did he know that he could be Vegeta? Well, it was already taken. Yes.

Well, so the freaks. Because do you remember that video game, that you would play in like Italian on the computer room that was like math circus Ah yes And that like that kind of vibe

You know like true Like we have many friends who are incredible Modern day circus performers Sorry but you're not the freaks that we're talking about today We're talking about the classics Yeah I think like the Okay so let's let's let's lay down some of the freaks Obviously the conjoined twins

Yeah The sword swalower Yeah The fire spitter Yes The Kind of like Bendy

Yeah Contortionists Yeah There's the What do they call them The odd wads or something There was like Back on the

Back at the turn of the century I think the Coney Island Freak Show Frick Show They had like Um Like underdeveloped fetuses in like jars.

In brine. Wow. Yeah. Except I think they turned out to all just be horse fetuses and things like that. Yeah. Yeah. But they would pretend like they were like freak babies in jars, which I was quite partial to.

We definitely had some of that at our party. That was in the punch. Where did you source the horse fetuses from? Oh, listen. Yeah. What about flea circus? I love that. That's pretty good.

I love the ones that are also, yeah, like tattoo man. Like, you just got a bunch of tattoos. That's the thing. Anyone could be tattoo man. Like, looking back, it's like all of those are just regular characters these days. The incredible headless chicken. Strong man. Bearded woman.

Yeah, bearded woman and strong man and tattoo men all feel like, what? Yeah, I'm just in Brunswick. What are? It's a good. I feel like you've got your like, um, Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Oh my God. Ew. Oh, now it's just like, I'm in bloody round.

Disgusting. I've been taking around too many comedians. Zelda. I feel like you now know more, like, like, do. Comedians than most. I've befriended so many of them. Did you see, um, Mina at the Lion King? Yeah.

She looks so good. Well, you need to say. say our close most little friend Nina Oyama. Yeah. She did. She looked amazing. I love it when the comedians tizz up. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Love comedians. I always have... Not in the regular way that they're tizzed up. That's good. Okay, I'm going to supply with you a few types of freaks. You haven't certainly my favorite ones yet. Okay, so there are born freaks, which are congenital conditions.

Self-made freaks. Self-made. Which they list here is... We probably fit into that category. Tattooed and contortionists. I don't think contortion is necessarily self-made. Yeah, they learn how to do that. Yeah, I don't deny that there's skill to it,

but certainly some people just have a natural flexibility. Or like eldest download syndrome or whatever where you can like bend back your arms like Eviodly. And then they're exotic performers. Advertis as unknown races or animal people. Animal people, that's where we're. Included giants, dwarves. Sorry, and we know that this is not the correct way.

Oh my God, all of this is with that lens. Obviously. Well, little people. Limless performers, conjoined twins, and those with excessive hair or skin conditions. You could be a freak. I could be a freak. Vitilago go.

Yeah. Often marketed through sensationalized fictional backstory. That is my favorite part. Yeah. Back before we had Google, so you couldn't just easily be like, she didn't come from the exotic Amazon rainforest. She came from Wisconsin. Yes.

Okay, so microcephaly marketed as missing links, zip the pinhead. What is zip the pinhead? You're just saying words now. No, there was like, you know, these people that had, yeah, they would call the pinheads. Not to be confused with the cone heads, obviously. But then like limbless, deformed limbs, labeled as seal man or snake man, which I think is quite creative on the marketing department.

Performers who modified their bodies for spectacle, including heavily tattooed giants, that's not true. And then bit of a woman, the Living Skelington. Have you seen that? There was that guy that just couldn't gain weight. I've seen Ripley's believe it or not. Believe it?

Or not. Elastic skin. Oh, there's the Elders Danloor syndrome. Fat men or fat women. Okay. Well, I mean, the reason that I wanted to bring up this topic is I was thinking more of like in the dark. times, you know, like bear on a ball or like seal with a ball on its nose or like elephant

standing on one leg. That sounds like circus. That's circus animals. Which are part of the circus free group. No, they've got to be a human. Then can we change the topic. I just want to put a fabulous bear in so that it can break free and mall everyone. The is the bear have some kind of, it has a party hat on. Oh. begrudgingly. Yeah. Like that.

Yeah. Yesterday. Our bear mascot from the Russian Olympics. Oh my God. Yes. Oh, yes. So the podcast that I love and talk about too often here, what the duck, is doing this series on like, criminal animals at the moment. Like if you if you would have locked up.

Yeah. so often animals which do not hold the same intelligence and moral standing as human beings that are actively part of this society do as they are incapable of doing so are held to the same or you know arbitrary laws that we apply to them which is a curious thing to do to something that cannot comprehend such a thing like a 13 year old kind of yeah um yeah and this series at the moment it's going through like different examples of that. And I was listening yesterday to this story of this elephant in Canada, I think. In 2007 or 2017, that broke free and ran through the streets for like half an hour.

And like just the story of like how the media depicted the elephant, which is a wild creature that does not belong in Canada. was then like shot dead in the street and you know like this wild animal that was out of control and da da da da da da it's like no it's just a fucking elephant like behaving like an elephant may do that's in panic yeah um and has lived this tortured life in even in the best circumstances it's still not the wild and as it's a wild animal and just these yeah like different examples and stuff and just how fucking cooked that is. Yeah, but it really made me think about

how fabulous that would be to have one of those that was never in containment in the bunker, but indeed we rescued from apocalypse and just runs rampant every now and then in the bunker just to remind everyone of what the others did in the past. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's quite nice. Anyway, as it doesn't really fit into the theme that I also made, then maybe we do like a giant woman. Well, I do like a giant woman, and perhaps you could be like, What's out? Because here I come. Oh, no.

Because I'm marching out of the bead I drum. No, no. The bearded woman. No. I am brave. This is who I want to be. It's not. That says me.

Who, who. I was thinking of that. This is what you ask for. No. No. This is what you asked for. It is not. You wanted the greatest.

No one asked for that, actually. I don't know. Have you met a 13-year-old gay guy from a small town? This is me. Who is your favorite freak? I like the, yeah, the ones with the silly backstories. I like, yeah, I love the fantasy of that. I love Danny DeVito in Big Fish. Oh, I thought you just met him in general.

Yeah. I do love Big Fish. When the giant goes and joins the circus in Big Fish, you remember that? Nope. Have you seen that film? Like once, maybe when it, like, came out kind of thing. A stupid girl. Oh, obviously.

It's so good. What about Snake Chama? I had a little basket that was yay big as a child. They can't see you right now. like a small... The size of Kanye West. No, the size of her, like a small dinner plate. Like a side plate.

Yes, that's a good unit of measurement. Yeah. It's the size of a small dinner plate. It is. Not a big dinner plate. A small one. You know, it was small and size. Yeah, yeah.

But not like a saucer, obviously. But it was this like little wicker basket that had like a matching lid, also made of wicker. And then when you lifted the lid off, there was like a little cup home inside with all this like green paper for the grass and a snake would emerge. And then like bubble there as if you'd risen it because it's like. Was it connected to the lid? It was connected like underneath in the little hidey hole. So when you lifted the lid off, it allowed it to spring up. And then how would it go back down?

When you put the lid on, it would like close it back down. but you with your imagination we're like, it's going back into its little hidey hole now. Anyway, it was so cool. And you never got a snake after that? No. God, no. You don't like snakes.

No, I like to think about them. I don't want to like own one. I like to think about. What else do you like to think about it? Oh. Well. You got to tune in to Zelda's other podcast for that. Things Zelda thinks about it.

There is this incredible. Incredible, let me see if I can recall any of the details of what I'm about to say. Incredible episode or audio play that is by, fuck, Charlie Kaufman, who made, being John Malkovich and Adaptation and Synechtri, New York. He was like, they were like doing these like series of audio plays that were going to be presented live at a theater. And the show that he put on is, fuck me, someone, someone leaves the theater, the woman's name. I can't remember the name. And it had this incredible cast, Merrill Streep is in it, and they presented it maybe twice, or like over one weekend,

with like a full live orchestration, and you would sit in the audience and you'd kind of have the actors just sitting in front of you, but they would perform this whole audio play. And then that's the only one of this series that got out as a recording. And, the show begins and you hear the orchestra tuning up at the start of this audio play and then you hear a woman coming into the theatre and it's entirely her internal monologue while she's going to go and watch a new Charlie Kaufman show and she's like trying not to step on other people and really anxious about where she's sitting and how noisy the people are being around her and how like she hates herself and

she hates her life and how she really hates this fucking show and she thinks it's really boring. And then the show starts and you can hear it in the background and like Meryl and stuff are on stage playing themselves in the fake show within the show. And you can hear her internal monologue being like, fuck, this is so pretentious. And then she like gets a phone call from her mother in the middle of the show and she has to keep silencing her phone. And then like Meryl stops the show 20 minutes in and just like, sorry, who is that? who is

this is a piece of live theater do you not understand and yells at the woman and then it goes back to her internal monologue and she's like Merrill Street just yelled it and then it goes on

and she's like Merrill's on stage just yelling at this woman and she's like I am doing this show because it was the last thing that Charlie Kaufman wrote before he killed himself

and he was one of the most talented incredible artists about time. And it's really good, but that's how I imagine your podcast with just your internal monologue would be. Oh, God. Do you not know the importance? Yeah. But yeah, I encourage you to go and listen to that thing, which I can't provide you a title of.

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Is that a circus freak? Let's put that in. Meryl Streep yelling at a woman. Yes. If Merrill was going to play a circus freak in a film, which one would she play? Hopefully a bear on a ball.

Maybe that then. No, she'd be wearing a fizz. She'd be like a little seal on a ball. Even better. I mean, she has the versatility. She could do it both. True. With a party hat on.

Or a tiger jumping through a hoop. Oh, tigers. I hadn't even considered it. Which animal that works at a circus? Yeah. That's not what you said. I know. We'll do that another day.

It's okay. Okay, okay, okay. I put some things in the chat. Yeah, I saw. The Snake Man with the cut tongues. This guy is called the Lizard Man, Eric Sprague. And I did a gig with him once up in Queensland with my band. And he has full body modifications.

He has like horn, like studs inside his brow. Like he has big like lumps like horns inside his skin. He's cut his tongue in half. Yeah. He's tattooed. of his body in scales. I think they're like once, because I'm not going to,

you know, pay to see a guy of tattoos, but once you split the tongue and injected ink into your eyeballs, I'm kind of like, okay, you're committed. And he would swallow swords.

Oh no, no, that was another guy that was performing the same time, actually. A lizard man wouldn't swallow a sword. Which would lick's things. Yes.

Licks his eyeballs. Yeah. Yeah, I think you'd probably be the first at risk of getting fired if you were just licking things and didn't have knacked. Have you seen this bearded woman as well? Yes. Hanam Kuhu. She holds the world record for like the longest beard, the youngest woman with the longest beard.

Amazing. Yeah, I saw her on social media a few years ago. It's just looks so cool. Record previously held by John Travolta's X-Y. Her beard is so. beautifully and long. Yeah, it is. It's quite lustrous. It's like way better than any beard that I could ever grow. No, I don't know any men that can grow beards really. Dandrogeny. Ah, apart from Dandrogeny. Yeah. Brenda has a pretty good beard. Oh, true. But it doesn't have the length. Not yet. No, but she keeps it,

she keeps it tight. Oh yes. She keeps it tight out, Brenda. But also that's a they, them and a drag queen, so I don't count them as men. No, but see, like, the Hannah, She's like, she's got like a really like silky, smooth, long, hairy beard, you know, like. Yeah. It doesn't look like curly and puby. Like, it looks really like luscious and oiled. Mm. Which is really what you want in a woman's beard.

Yes. In a woman's beard. A woman. Um, so while recording about 10 minutes ago, I got a text message from my brother with a photo of my niece holding a small elephant toy. and my brother said does this elephant used to be yours and it did

I fucking loved that toy when I was a kid so I'm just saying I'm on brand well I'm glad we had that breaking news what you're thinking about I just received a text message

from my brother with my knees holding a small soft toy that I used to own thank you for telling us I feel like you're appealing that so you've been thinking about this topic

since you're a little small child. Is that what you're saying? I've been thinking about sadly everything since I've been a small child. And you can listen to it all on my podcast. Yeah. Zelda thinks. Zelda thinks. But weirdly. Does she?

Do you? Do you? Anyway. How many like thoughts do you think you're saving for the inside of your brain versus saying to the outside? 60, 40. 60 out external? 60 internal. And 40? We're only getting 40%. Yeah.

I'd probably say that, no, that's a lie. It's probably like 80, 20. 20 inside. Oh, yeah. We're only getting 20%. Yeah. Oh, my God. What is this 80%?

We have what else is this going on in your brain? Oh, my God. Oh, we've got to tune in to the other podcast. Yeah. And Matt, what about you? What's your percentage? Yeah. I don't say half the things that I think about.

50, 50? 50. Less. No, half of a quarter. So you'd say you're like 2080 as well? Yeah, probably. Oh. Yeah.

lazy. I have to bite my tongue constantly in this podcast. Yeah. No, no. I don't. I just, you two just talk so much. It's just hard to say anything. Someone told me the other day, they're like, it's just so impressive how much you guys are able to speak. I am constantly impressed. I can't believe we've been doing this podcast for nearly three years. Yeah, I know. Each week. Yeah. Yeah. We should actually look at the end of, we should probably do a live. Yeah, sometime. We're doing a giant live for a witchy show. True. We're doing three lives. All right. You can only disappoint the time. general population every so often.

It's got to wait long enough for them to forget. Maybe once it all dies down. Yeah. Once the heats off. I could do a live later in the year. Live! Okay. I think bearded strong woman.

Only, I mean, yeah. Bearded giant strong woman. I don't mind. The category's fallen away from me. Someone else to say. Okay, bearded woman. Just bearded, no muscles? Do you want a strong woman or the bearded woman? Both.

Just get the best of everything. Oh, women have to work twice as hard to get the same job as a lizard man. Fuck me. She's got to be strong and have a beard. I don't know about that. Could she be giant? Which one is it? Giant.

Strong. You choose. I'm just throwing it out there. I think that she should be all three. I'm not a giant woman. Wouldn't it be so cool to have like a giant, strong bearded woman in the bunker? I'm also more intrigued by like the hand. painted like portraits.

She's a ringmaster too. Yeah. You know, like they're so fabulous. Ringmaster's a job, not a vacation. There's only two types of people. Okay, that's great. Yeah. Wait, so which one are we doing?

Bearded woman. Bearded woman. Fuck you all. All right. And she gets weekends and holidays and full paid med care. Yeah. She got insurance. Like an unspoken, but often also spoken.

an apology for you're not a freak, you're just a woman. Yeah. Yeah. You're just a woman. Yeah. With a beautiful beard. Not just a woman. But you know what I mean.

You're only a woman. Oh my God. We'll be right back. Bye-bye. Hello and welcome. To have to every world. Hello and welcome back. now.

Now, speaking of a woman, we have a speakhole today that's been provided by woman. Well, I also need to quickly address something. All right. What? I made the slanderous and unforgivable comment on a previous pod that we never received a speakhole from a woman. Yeah. At which point I must acknowledge, I announced my absolute, um,

ignorance, my transphobia, my turfism, my vowed hatred of trans women. Because we did, of course, receive a speakhole from a woman, a trans woman. And we got told off. I'm sorry, Daisy. Yes. I told you off as well. Did you? In the episode, you didn't listen.

Oh, Matt, it's impossible to hear your voice. Anyway, to the trans community I say, burn in hell. Oh, my God. I never want to hear anything from your people again. Well, now time for our speakhole, which today was provided by women. Amazing, thank you. There aren't enough women in this speakhole. Is that the message?

That's all. Well, play it again. Thank you so much for that. Wait, I think I know the woman. Who is it? Would it be? Are you playing it again, Matt? Yes, I'm trying to.

There aren't enough women in this speak hall. That's all. That's incredible. That's really good. If I still had ring tones. There aren't enough women in this speak hall. That's all. You don't have a ringtone?

No, why would I have a ringtone? For the one occasion that your phone's not on silent. I would never have my phone not on silent. Oh my God, I have a ring tone. The shame of having your phone ring. Are you mad? Like, that's crazy. It's crazy.

But I have your ring turn. I've known you for a long time, three years at least. Why don't you give me a phone call right now? Okay. I'm calling Zelda on the telephone. let's see what becomes of this. There aren't enough women in this speakhole. I mean, that's true, but we're not really one to tell women what to do.

Hello? That's enough from you. It's the Final Fantasy fanfare. Come on. I've never heard that before. My life. Well, my phone's always on silent. Oh, brave.

There aren't enough women in this speakhole. In this speakhole. That is all. That's all. And I agree. Well, I've made my statements. I'd like to encourage all women to do as they please, and if you should so please, speak into the hole.

Speaking to the hole. Yeah. There is a speakhole that's currently opened in the Boronia waterways. So if you head down there, it's the, yeah, the causeway. There is a small protrusion that looks like a pipe, a PVC pipe, rusted around the rim. but that is in fact the death of everyone speakhole. We are endeavoring to open up as many speakholes as we can throughout the country and then a few internationally. But progress is slow.

We do have to connect many different pipes to make one speakhole. Yes, it's true. True. Well, I should have perhaps thought about the fact that I did see that it was a 10-second voice note. And I did wonder what the content would be. But it turns out it wasn't really a topic, but more a topic of discussion. Well, and now it's been discussed. What is your favourite speakhole in cinema history?

Mine is in The Happening when they're inside the house and there's a speak pet. Oh, yeah, of course. What is my favorite example of a woman speaking into a hole? Um, uh, of course. Well, in Jurassic Park, there's that part where Dr. Grant makes a brachiosaurus speak hole

where he goes through his hands. I mean, he's a man, but he's speaking through hand holes. Does that count? I can't think of any examples. I'm sorry. Can I please just,

it's been a fun run, but the show is over now. Thank you. Moving on to the next category. Sudangyo. Hello and welcome back. for the final category here on DTE. That's down to earth to any potential voters in this year's Medea.

We are down to earth girls. Down to earth girls. Now, our final topic for discussion today is which invitation. Which invitation? Goes to the bunker. I was thinking about this recently. Yeah. Many invitations.

Many iconic moments. My friend and former guests of the pod, Miss Mum, Drag Queen. she is getting married and finally yeah but she's had a lot of kind of work to do as far as figuring out how the invite structure is going to work because you kind of have to do layers of invites

so the save the date was very classy very demure came with its own magnet to adhere it to the fridge a little love heart a little love heart magnet and images of them you know, her and her blushing bride to be

both in wedding dresses when they were like six to eight years old. Yes. Which is very cute. Very cute. They always dreamed of signing their lives away to another. And now it is coming true.

Or we're going to some child bride wedding. We're both the children are getting married. Better round. Two again. Jesus Christ. But yeah. that's quite chic. There's like the Evite.

What's your thoughts on an Evite? It makes me think about, okay, I mean, I know it's quite broad, but it makes me think about those like Elfster Christmas good wishes videos where you're like, I'm a fun manager and I'm going to take all the photos of my team and put them in this website that's going to spit out a happy greetings thing with all of the team bouncing around as elves. I don't know that you're talking about. a universal experience here. I just love those videos.

Okay. Wait, so what are the videos? You'd like give this like program a little cut out of each person's face. Yeah. And it would like paste it onto these dancing elves. Yeah. And it was so demonic. Amazing.

And they would just dance around to like a really ramped up version of jingle bells. Yeah. Wow, that sounds incredible. It was before AI. I don't know how they had the technology to do that. But yeah. I shudder to think what they make now with AI. True.

I fear that we will soon know. Did you see... What Carols will be like. Carols by Candelate will just be... Yeah. Demonic dancing elves. Did y'all see the Trump, like Jesus post? He was dressed as a doctor.

As a doctor. Sorry. But then did you see, I don't know if it was true or not, but like whatever, that then like Iran on Twitter, like the country of Iran. The embassy or whatever. Yeah. The embassy's been like roasting him. Yes. Posted like an AI on AI on AI video of then like Jesus flying in, smashing Trump in the face and sending him into the depths of hell. Yeah. Like what is going on? Because you've seen the Lego videos as well, right? I've seen the Lego movie.

The rapping Lego videos about like the Trump White House that are being released by Iran. No. Oh, Mama. Every week they have a new rap where that's like, you know, going up. Is this Pauline Hanson's influence? I just, when I was young, it felt like there was a modicum of not, there. There wasn't better people. It wasn't less evil.

But there was some kind of dignity. Yeah. Yeah. In politics. In politics, there was a kind of like conservative energy that like even while atrocities were being committed, genocides, world wars. There was like a certain buttoned up quality that maybe lent it a certain level of like decorum. I don't know what.

the fucking bayswater rollerama is happening now to the world. It feels very like meme, meme driven. Right? But I think it's... Modern warfare. Yeah, like, it's like, everything's a Fortnite skin.

And like, I'm so confused because I guess like, you know, wars have always been like, um, a product that needs to be advertised and sold to the public. And it's just because advertising has been so, so, like, escalated into, like, the most crack bear kind of thing that, like, Adland just is Legos rapping at you.

But, um, fuck me. It's like, yeah, like, the propaganda is so ugly and so scary because it's all targeted towards, like, 16-year-olds. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like potentially there was a lot of that during World War II. Absolutely. Like with...

I have some World War II propaganda on my wall that says, it might be fun in the surf, but think of the men in the trenches. Get out there, you lazy bitch or something like that. God. Well, yeah, but there was a lot of like really horrible, you know, anti-Semitic cartoons. Yeah, true.

And stuff that was happening around that time. You're not wrong. Yeah. So I feel like it has a long history, but it's just so ramped up now with Trump and social media. Yeah. because he has no filter on social media.

Like, I feel like a lot of other presidents haven't really lent into that side of things very much. No, you have to create an air of, you know, like, respectability. Elevated, yes. Like, but he just doesn't adhere to that, which is quite unusual, really. Yeah. He's like a ego, statistical bully, teenage bully. Strange.

Well, all that to say. The invitation that I would like to put in the bunker is the, the one that Howe receives from the king. Go on. Commanding the local wizard to attend the royal court because it's so shake. Hell from what? How's moving castle. Oh, how?

Yeah. Sorry. It meant hell from like. Hell. Hell. But that is the best invitation you've received? No. This is just the best invitation.

Best invitation. Because I just love that little dial on the door. Could you close the door and you go? I don't think I'll be accepting that invitation. And then you turn the dial. And then that woman is so distressed. No one's answered my invitation. A very good invitation indeed.

And then the witch of the waist is invited. And then she gets cursed on those fucking stairs. Hey, listen, no spoiler alerts here. She gets cursed on those stairs. Being summoned as the local witch or wizard to serve your nation. That's a good invitation. Yeah. Be like, hey, witchy poo, come help us.

We're in a war here. Yeah. Meanwhile, like, How's just dying his hair. I, um, wearing drop pearl earrings with a little emerald on the end. Well, you know, finding time for him. Oh, you must. You must. I wonder if I would take the invitation to go and serve my nation.

I don't think I would. I'm serving me, doll. Dahl. And what? You're going to go and fight? Might be fun in the surf, but think of the troops in the trenches. Oh, my God. Do you have any favorite invitations, dear?

I like things that come on a clear stock. That's quite fun. Oh, yeah? It's transparent. Yeah, oh, that's fun. Didn't you have an invitation, didn't you do, didn't you deliver some invitations, didn't you? I did. In jello.

In pink jello. Inside of a box for the Melbourne fashion week. That was fun. Although the jelly did. really can connect to a theme at all. It was just jelly for jelly's sake, which I think is quite fun. It's not unlike your dress-up party. Just jelly?

Just jelly. Just dress up? Why do we need to have a reason? Oh. I saw one that was like an invite for a club night in New York where they, it was a came in a capsule, like a gelatin capsule. And then if you got instructions with it to put it in water. and then it dissolved the capsule and unfurled the, like, paper inside that revealed the invitation on top of the surface of the water. So cool.

With just like the location of the party. That's fun. That is very fun. Is writing something in lemon ink an invitation? Well, yeah, if you wrote an invite. Yeah. Isn't that with wax? And then you draw it with a wax candle.

Yeah. And then you pour lemon juice on it and then. Oh, that would work better. We're talking about two things. One is you get the thing wet with like a tinted water, but it doesn't go onto the candle waxed area. So then it reveals the lettering. And then the lemon shows up in UV light.

Yeah. And so then you write with like an invisible ink. Yeah. And then you shine a UV light on it. So cool. And it reveals the secrets. And come. Which actually needs to be activated I found.

Come and blood doesn't just show up. It needs to be activated With another chemical My friggskin shows up under UV light That's why I love the jellyfish room At an aquarium Ah, who doesn't Invitation

I like Yeah, we've spoken about in the past But there was a girl at my school Who went, drove around and gave out A CD to listen to while you were reading your invitation That had a burnt copy of And what was the CD's name? Was she?

Paid for her service? Then had Hilary Duff's Sweet 16, and then it had her face photoshopped onto a Playboy magazine cover. And so you were reading the invitation, which honestly didn't take very long, to her pimps and hose-themed party. Yeah, that's right. And you were listening to Sweet 16,

so much more to live, sweet 16. That's pretty classy invitation, to be honest. Yeah, to be h. TVH. I do want like something like hand calligraphy. Yeah. I love getting a thank you card for attending a wedding. That's the next level. I haven't thought about that. That is classy. It's real classy. What about a Facebook invite to an event?

From someone you've never spoken to. It's the latest thing. I miss Facebook invites. They still happen. They still happen, but they're dead. I mean, it's over. But I just, we haven't replaced it with anything. No. No. Like, I don't know what the kids are doing, but being able to get the invite, see who's interested, see who's attending, and get some information.

Yeah. With all the details. Yeah. And you can go back to it, find the address really easily. Yeah. Have you experienced the Apple invites app? No. What's that?

Apple have like an invite app that's like on your phone. And you can like, it's essentially just like a Facebook event, but just. in the Apple ecosystem. Has ever embraced her? So I have one friend who I think has now invited me to two things. You have more than one friend, Zelda. Oh my God.

Who has invited me two things? Can I get a hoo-ah? Oh, my God. Who's invited you to things? Oh, my God. What? And it was very, no, I've had two separate friends invited to two separate friends.

Oh, my God. And it does indeed summarize and like have all the info in. a convenient spot, and I suppose this is all based on mobile number. But the joy of the Facebook is that, like, who has everyone's mobile number these days? Yeah. But maybe we've pivoted back there, especially since Facebook took away their downloadable, like, program app of Messenger on desktop.

Facebook is a fucking hellfire hit. Yeah. I just can't believe, like, imagining being Mark Zuckerberg. No. And with a straight face. walking around town knowing that your main product is the worst website on the internet like it's so insane yeah like imagine being like you would feel like you have to give your billionaire status back because of how shit the thing you do is yeah and i'm not saying like you know

amazon is nightmare fuel the things that they have done to this world and to the people in it are goolish. However, the product does work. Yes. At very least. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It offers a service that does get you a thing that you desire or whatever. Yeah.

At the cost of humanity. Yes. But Facebook is also at the cost of humanity, democracy, the lives of the people in it. But it does nothing. Yeah. Nothing. Nothing well. nothing worthwhile.

Yeah. Yeah. So tragic. Someone was talking about the things that they miss because that's what our generation does now. And they were like, I miss on Instagram when it would say, you've seen everything, you're all caught up.

Oh, good luck. There's nothing else to see. Yeah. You've reached the edge of the map. And you're done now. Yeah, no, that doesn't. I miss that. I desire to be all caught up.

No. Not possible, my dear. I want to be caught up. No. Well, what about dress up? Would you like to dress up? Okay. What invitation goes into the bunker?

When I was little, I had birthday party. And I had this book of, like, cool things to make out of old things around your house. You know, they recycled toilet rolls and bits and pieces. And one was an invitation out of a matchbox. So you, like, threaded these little threads through. the matchbox and then you pulled a little string. Ooh. And the matchbox would open by itself.

That's so cool. And you like, you decorated it so it didn't look like a matchbox anymore. So it was like a little compartment in the inside was a tiny, tiny invitation. That's so cute. And I made them for all of my friends and gave them to them all at school. Probably about 20 of them.

Wow. You invited everyone in the class? Probably, yeah. And did they come? Yeah. That's good. Let's put that in. That sounds so cute.

Let's put that in the book. They were very fun little projects to make those things. I loved little paper crafts. What did you do with all the matches? I think I just put them in the fire. Yeah, we didn't save matchboxes for years and years. No. No.

It was before you could probably buy blank matchboxes. But that was a fun one. That was a good time. Matt, it sounds like a hoot and a half. That is so cute. I love it. That's going in. What?

That? I was just offering a little memory of them. Matt, don't be surprised when we listen to you and enjoy the things you say. Well, that's very sweet. Thank you. That's great. All right, tiny matchbox invite. Tiny matchbox, invite.

You're in. Invoid. Invoid. Wow. And that rounds out this week's episode. Yes. God, so we've got that tiny matchbox. We have a very bearded woman.

Yes. But not a freak. Not a freak. Just a bearded woman. And we have an indebted. indictment against the trans community by lazy Susan. No, we have a woman in the speakhole. We have a finally, we have a woman in the speakhole.

No, we have several women in that hole. We've got several women in the hole. By their choice. By their own choosing, freedom, whenever they want. Yes. Okay. All right. Well, thank you so much, listener.

Thank you. Datsy everyone was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Shears. Our theme song and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. you have something to say to us, send it to us at Debt's Everyone part at gmail.com or say it to us at speakpipe.com slash death to everyone and won't you consider supporting us by maybe casting a vote for an outstanding contribution in media at the Medea's website or signing up to our Patreon at patreon.com slash debt to everyone.

Sue l'angio.