Death To Everyone - Death To… Flowers, CGI Characters & Fashion Trends
Episode Date: October 4, 2024Listener, it is finally here! Our longest episode yet. Don't rub your eyes or wear a cape, it's time to listen! Flowers! CGI Character! Fashion Trends! What have your God's decided this week? Listen... to find out... Follow us, won't you? www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod www.instagram.com/mslazysusan www.instagram.com/zeldamoon Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. www.naturalhabitatstudios.com/ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. www.instagram.com/ediecentric/ www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103/
Transcript
Discussion (0)
The
the
the
the
the
the
the
the
the the Especially you. Death to everyone.
Especially you.
Listener.
Hello, listener.
Hello.
I don't wish you harm, listener.
Oh.
No, just minor injury
To claim for the insurance money
Give me half and I won't tell anyone I pushed you down the stairs
Is that how that works yeah the treat
Cuz if it was you know, I don't think the insurance pays out if someone pushed you
You know, I'm the thinking gal's thinker.
I'm Lazy Susan.
And I'm Zelda Moon.
Sometimes with thought.
And we better watch out for those stairs, Zelda Moon.
I can't wait for payday.
I don't know if you can push me downstairs.
I'm quite tall.
I think tall people go down easy.
Yeah, your center of gravity is all off the ground.
This is true. You know what? The stairs at Revs, that's fucked. That center of gravity is all off the ground. This is true.
You know what?
The stairs at revs that's fucked.
That's a death trap.
Oh yeah.
That they're just doing that as a funny joke.
There's real stairs around the other side.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, this is a podcast that you're listening to.
It is.
And it's called death to everyone.
It's great.
Have you written a review for it yet?
Mmm.
Because if you haven't, we'd love that.
Also, listener, you have our email address.
Oh.
Would you say something to us?
Oh, I'd love to do another little radio play.
Yeah! Release!
This whole thing has just been set up so that I can eventually just get into radio plays.
You might be...... a hundred years too late.
I love, hello, operator.
The misty moors were dark the night that Larisse went out onto the deckert.
Bobby, Bobby, I haven't seen Bobby since the war.
Wait, what's that?
It's an old sea captain in the mist.
What are you doing out here?
Bobby, it's you, but your face is somehow trained.
An old Bobby around here.
See we'd be great.
Yeah, actually, let's bring it back.
Yeah.
I mean, that's it.
With your help, listener.
With your help?
Write us one about the bunker.
We've provided you the bunker.
Now you provide us with the stories.
Yes.
Or a funny picture of you.
So what is in the bunker?
Now that we're talking about it, I really want to know.
What?
Now you explain what the content is. Oh, right.
I was giving you like a little lead.
Oh, I was like, what?
You know it's in the Bunga.
Don't.
Oh my God.
Okay.
So on this podcast, listener, if this is your first time, we now have a year's worth of
content for you to binge.
It's going to take you-
It's called binge viewing.
Faggot.
That's what she says, right?
And there is now, wait, all these episodes are at least an hour, usually two hours.
So there's like a hundred hours of us talking available.
Yeah.
If you started today, you could be going for days.
Yeah.
So I don't know how many hours there were in a week, but maybe you could be going for days. Yeah.
So I don't know how many hours are in a week, but maybe you could do it in a week.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Yeah.
There's 72 in three days.
Okay, well, we can come here for that.
But you know what?
This is a podcast called Death to Everyone, where we, as celestial goddesses of the outer
realms, cast our judgment on planet Earth and say, that was good. And that? I didn't like that.
And we've established a doomsday bunker where we put in the things that we did like,
and we let everything else burn.
Or perhaps be drunken in a boba.
Oh, an elephant.
Um, okay, yes. And we do it sometimes with the assistance of our space car driver.
Matt.
Cheers.
Hello.
Hey.
You thought I'd left, but I had to.
Took you a while to wind down the window.
Yeah. We've got a little partition.
It's weird that we're recording in the space car this week.
We're always recording in the space car.
Oh no. It's kind of in the space car. Oh no.
It's kind of like the bang bus.
The bang bus.
You think it's called the bang bus?
Wait, what is it called?
Oh no, I think it's best if we just call it that.
You call it that and see what gay people say.
Are you guys going in that bang bus?
Oh, the bait bus.
The bait bus.
There we go.
Just Google real quick.
It's like if you're Google and the bait bus.
Yeah, we don't want to throw out your algorithm.
Anywho, it's such a beautiful day.
Finally, we're heading into spring.
Like not yet.
No.
But we're on the way.
We're on the way.
That's how time works.
Not yet.
Jeez.
Yeah.
Calm down.
Everyone just relax. But we did have torrential We're on the way. That's how time works. Not yet. Jeez. Calm down.
Just relax.
But we did have torrential downpour yesterday.
Did it rain yesterday?
Oh my God, yes.
When?
In like the mid afternoon.
Like in poured.
What?
Poured rain.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
That's when you were in your sun tanning bed.
Yeah, I was just locked away from the world.
I can't keep up with you guys.
You crazy.
I'm in the celestial void.
You've got a beauty regime to keep up.
That's right.
Anyway, Sheldamoon.
Yeah?
How are you?
Oh, look, I'm fantastic.
Oh, well, it's not that.
I've had an ecstatic week of highs and lows.
I've done just so much socializing and so much talking for the last three days that I am
absolutely full up to push his bow with happiness.
And just so many conversations had. and everyone better than the last.
As an introvert, which you obviously are, what is your optimal amount of human contact
of a week?
Give me it in minutes or seconds.
Like work is fine.
Work is like can be as much or as little.
Doesn't matter.
Cause that's like work hours.
So you're saying if you went to work and no one spoke to you all day, you wouldn't feel better?
Um, that, I mean that sounds incredible.
Um, but that's not reality.
But like, yeah, I'm talking about your optimal version of things. Oh, okay.
Well, optimal version of things.
I won't speak to anyone all week.
And then on, I don't know, like maybe like a Friday night, maybe.
No, that's not true.
I like, I like socializing.
I do, but just, you know, situationallyly. And I like one-on-one.
I'm just like not a group socializer.
That's like the definition of an introvert.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like that's, I mean, my people in my like network will know that I'll be like,
why don't you just come over and we can like have dinner and watch something.
Because that's what I want to do with people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or like go out and have dinner or go to just one-on-one.
As soon as there's a group, like I just, I just can't say anything.
Like I just don't like talking in a group.
Is it because you're worried about all the different potential reactions. I just like, I think I don't understand when,
which is strange for someone who hosts a podcast,
but I find it really hard to know when to say my sentence.
Yeah.
Like I observe conversations happening around me
and one person stops speaking and the next person does
and it's seamless and I'm like
how because every time I try to do that someone else starts to say something.
Yeah that's interesting. So you're just being a polite boy just well and then I'll wait my turn
for my time. Yeah look you're being spoken over right now by Matt Shears. I'm the same.
I'm, I'm fully on board with you there.
I hate it.
Are you a bit of an introvert as well, Matt Shears?
Definitely.
Really?
Yeah.
Wouldn't you say so?
I don't know.
No, I, I would consider you, ah, I kind of, I find it hard.
Obviously you're someone who suffers from chronic fatigue.
Yes.
So I can't, I don't think that that's always an optional needing to not be around people.
Like I don't think it's like, that's your personality necessarily.
Um,
I feel like I'm an extroverted introvert.
Right.
So you're like,
do you know,
lovely.
Yeah.
Some people are like that where they're like, they just, they push themselves to be extroverts for a while.
Yeah.
But then they do need to like go home and decompress in a cave.
I think like, I mean, I find the idea of like, I'm an extrovert, like I'm an introvert,
extremely boring.
Like I'm just whatever this is.
I'm just whatever.
But I will say- No labels ever.
Let's just live free.
I just, oh, it's so like, and what are you?
Like, shut up.
Sounds like an introvert thing to say.
Oh my God.
Well, it involves a conversation, so obviously I don't like that.
But what I will say is that like, when I don't have time to myself, I am exhausted.
Yeah.
Like I need, like even like if we're still hanging out, like if we do something, that
like, I think the difference is like, I don't start relaxing until I'm by myself.
Yes.
Whereas like I observe some people who like will be relaxed in a situation where I am
there and therefore they're with someone else.
I'm like, even if like just ignoring you and doing nothing.
But like, yeah, like I don't do you know what I mean?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Which maybe that's true of everyone.
I don't know.
But I don't know. That's one of those things, right? Where extroverts like I recharged by socializing. Yeah. Which maybe that's true of everyone. I don't know, but I don't know. That's one of those things, right?
Where extroverts like I recharged by socializing.
Yeah.
Ugh, God, are you sick?
Uh, yes, we are.
I think I've become more of an introvert this time has gone on, but, um, like.
Can you change?
I think so.
Maybe I can.
I think so. Maybe I can. Because I, yeah, definitely spent like my whole life not ever wanting to like, not wanting to be alone necessarily and just like wanting to be, you know, flitting around. And like,
I was very much like always at someone's house as a kid, like staying over at all times, like every,
almost every day of the week kind of thing.
And nowadays, I'm a bit more like, I need to like have a moment to chill.
But yeah, I find that it can be really hard to do that.
I think I've always been this way. But when I come out of being alone, like I'm right now, I've not really spoken to anyone all day,
so I feel crazy and I need to be like,
Oh, see, I've been talking to people all day and I need to, I would,
Jett, if you'd actually get the fuck away from me.
I wish you would shut the fuck up as well, Jett.
You're just so chatty Cathy all the time.
It's too much.
Good thing you have a podcast to get it all out of your system.
I feel like it's a great, oh, well, no, I feel like the listener probably knows, but
it's kind of a hilarious illusion to be like, oh yeah, I have a podcast.
I love talking.
Well, this is the thing about podcasting though.
It's kind of like the best version of like you tell everyone in your life,
what's going on in your life.
You don't have to talk to them.
Truly.
You're like saving yourself so many conversations right now.
Because I've kind of had like several hundred conversations without actually having to engage.
So you were saying like, if someone wanted to catch up with you, you'd just be like,
just refer to the podcast for the week.
What did I do this week?
That's episode 57.
Don't even say anything, just send a link to the episode.
There you go.
Why do you have that sometimes nowadays with people being like, Oh, I know exactly
what's happening in your life.
I'm like, Oh, yeah.
Oh, good.
Maybe you should get podcasts in return.
That would be nice.
Yeah.
We should just, my dad actually just sends me copies of his podcast.
Exciting, but well, my friends, Bridget and Holly sent me their podcast weekly.
Do they have a podcast?
Well, my friends, Bridget and Holly sent me their podcast weekly.
Do they have a podcast?
It's like, it's what?
21st century life now. And just, everybody's just catching up in podcasts.
Oh, no, Matt also didn't get it.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Oh, what?
What?
I don't think he's listened to Girls Next Level or seen Girls of the Playboy Mansion.
What?
Oh.
When would Matt have seen Girls in the Playboy Man show?
Maybe they did a review at a standard school.
That was the school play that year.
You're playing Kendra.
Yeah, Matt was Kendra.
You're Hugh and you're that Alice.
Yeah.
And like when we were both junkies, someone has to play like the robe.
Yeah.
Someone's playing the liar bird and someone's playing, we're getting the grotto set.
You're the monkey and you're the peacock. And yeah, this is what we're going to do season four when
Holly went to go and work at the publishing studio. Anyway, how are you? I'm good. As I said, I've just
been like sitting with my thoughts. You've been doing a lot of editing of various projects.
I'm editing lots of stuff at the moment and it's like making me a bit crazy.
And also I just found out that I have keratoconus, which is an eye disorder, degenerative eye
disorder. And let me tell you when you are part of your life is sat at a computer
editing and one of your eyes, the left one, starts to fail on you because
the cornea is literally beginning to bulge out, so thus change the refraction
of light into your eye.
So thus change the refraction of light into your eye. So you have this really uneven eyesight that one side is 20-20
and the other side is like negative 2.75 or whatever.
That it becomes really hard and headache-y to work at night.
And so now I need to get this thing called...
Oh my God, what's it called?
Like cross hatching where, um, Joanne, who was the ophthalmologist who saw me
and was very cold and I loved it.
She was like, you've got this degenerative eye disorder.
Anyway, I'm going to use a laser to burn off the outer layer of your, your eyeball. And I was like, yeah.
And then she's like, and then I'm going to add drops of B2 and then we're going to shine
a UV light into your eye and it's going to harden the collagen in your eye.
And hopefully this stops the continued defamation of your cornea.
To which I said, does it hurt Joanne?
And she said, it'll be in the pamphlet.
And I said, what's the recovery time?
And she said, I'm just printing off the pamphlet now.
And I was like, uh huh, okay, but do I need someone to pick me up?
She said, here's the pamphlet.
It's got it all in there.
Um, what time is good for you?
I've answered these questions so many times.
Yeah.
And I was like, does it, uh, and also, can I say I got originally tested
cause that my vision had gone funny.
Um, and I got it originally tested at Victoria gardens, spec savers, and the
backstage at the Victoria Gardens Specsavers
is so chic.
Like the rooms are all like,
there's the room for one machine
and the room for this other machine.
And there's like a little bench waiting area
with soft lighting, which is kind of cruel.
But,
um,
but then I went to this like city eye surgeons and like they offer their offices in like
the back of one of those buildings that no one has ever been inside of that's like kind
of not finished loading yet or whatever.
And you go into the back of this thing and it's like a blank office, like full like popcorn
ceiling or like drop ceiling bullshit with like fluorescent
lighting.
And then I was like sitting in this shitty little fucking room with the blinds down and
there's like five machines like just like not up against the wall, but up against the
blinds.
And this woman was like, okay, so this is one machine, this is one machine.
And like when I'd been into the Victoria Garden spec savers, they did this machine to check
what prescription I needed.
And it went in front of my eyes.
And then like she had a machine that just changed all the different like prescription
parameters, but it just flipped them down automatically in front of the eye.
And the other one was blacked out.
This woman at the private health like place, which I do not have insurance by the way,
so pay him full price for this one.
She put on like this like turn of the 20th century, like eyeglasses with the like different hit of spectacles
that she was pulling out of a briefcase from her apothecary's house.
And it was like, girl, what the fuck? Have you guys been audited? She was pulling out of a briefcase from her apothecary's house.
And it was like, girl, what the fuck?
Have you guys been audited?
Like what is happening here?
And yeah, so it was weird.
But yeah, I'm going to get that lasered off.
And then I was like, well, that stabilized the condition.
It says so in the pamphlet and apparently it can, and apparently
sometimes it doesn't.
So it might just get continually get worse.
So then you have it again, like the surgery.
No, you can't get it again.
Oh yeah.
It's just, it might get worse.
And then you, um, Cross that road when you get there, it might slow it down.
Okay.
But you can just end up going blind, really.
And it's called keratoconus because your eye turns into a cone.
I said, darling, smoke cones.
Don't become them.
You know?
You said cone heads.
Cone heads!
Anyway.
Far out.
And how does that make you feel?
I just, hearing like degenerative eye disease is so bleak.
And Joanne did not really have the best bedside manner.
It doesn't sound like she softened the blow.
No, she was not really interested.
She was like, listen, this might be the rest of your life,
but it's also, you know, I've got five minutes to lunch.
Jesus Christ.
But she's going to do it.
It's an in office procedure.
So are they going to put you under?
No, they just put a numbing drop in.
So you'll be looking at the laser.
Darling, that's the only way that you can get there with eye surgery.
How will you keep your eye open?
I think they put like a little thing in.
Oh, you're going to be cluck a current.
Also, when we were doing the eye test, number one, Specsavers was incredible.
But this woman at the fucking weird back rooms was like, okay.
And then I'm sitting with my face in a machine and you need to look at this X.
She didn't say any of this.
She was just like, put your chin there.
And then she was like, and then I blinked
because obviously there was like something
this like shining bright light from a fairly dark room.
And she was like, oh, you blinked.
We're gonna have to do it again.
I'm like, well, okay, just a heads up
if you want this to go better next time,
like the good people at fucking Specsavers,
you need to say, don't blink.
We're about to go and give me a second to like moisten my eyeball.
I have keratoconus, bitch.
How dare you?
She's like, that wasn't Joanne.
That was the first woman that came in.
Who didn't announce that she wasn't the doctor.
How was I to know?
Yeah.
I was like, this seems kind of nursey behavior. Who didn't announce that she wasn't the doctor. How was I to know? Yeah.
I was like, this seems kind of nursey behavior.
Was she, what was her outfit like?
It was fine.
There's kind of a genre of outfits that are like misc professional.
Yeah, like.
It was like a cardigan and like, like, I guess I like, it might've been even like a pussy
bow. Yeah. Kind of like shirt. might've been even like a pussy bow kind of shirt,
but like it was such a non-event.
Slacks.
Yeah.
She had rings on.
Rings?
That's unigenic.
I guess.
Um, yeah.
She smelled like her lunch that she'd just had.
And then when I came out bleary eyed after having my, cause they put drops into like blow up my, dilate my pupils.
I, um, came out and everything was so bright and I was like stood outside the
little cafe and I couldn't read the menu cause everything was like too bright to
read and my eyes were super blurry.
And I was like stood there like five centimeters away from the little standee menu, like squinting down maybe for like 10 minutes and the woman was
like, are you okay?
And I was like, I just need to eat.
I can't drive my car like this.
I need to eat.
What do you offer here?
And I was like, what do you have with no meat?
And she was like, nothing.
She could have told me anything. I was like, what do you have with no meat? And she was like, nothing. She could have told me anything.
I was blind.
Was she related to Joanne or what?
Right.
Exactly.
This building is a bit haunted.
It was on that weird side of St.
Kilda road where it's like we're on South bank, but like, where are we?
Oh, that corner of like where the American consulate is.
Like, it's just like, what are you all doing renting office spaces here yeah it's very strange around there
shit also calling it the city I said like honey that's a bit rich we ain't in
the city yeah well listener I know I asked for emails in a fun way before but
if you could send through a prayer yeah Yeah. Could you pray for me?
If we could just pray. Pray for Lazy's eye.
It does mean that I get glasses soon.
Three months after the surgery, mind you.
But I've waited for this day for so long.
I'd just like to see you in a monocle. Just one.
I mean, truly.
And an eye patch. A monocle and an eye patch.
Yes.
Same eye.
But I just, as someone whose face, and you've heard me say this a thousand times, Elder,
exists inside like a tiny little portion of my actual head with a mote of flesh around it,
like an island in a sea of face.
My features are just tiny, tiny.
It's going to be nice to have something to break that up.
You know, a pair of glasses is going to really sell the fantasy of my face.
Sell the fantasy.
I think, I mean, I'm confident that you'll have quite a fun selection of frames.
Oh, I'm not going to be like a fruity frame guy.
No, no, no, no, no. I mean like, I'm not going to be like that girl.
No, they'll be, I say fun, but I mean just like normal, well selected.
Oh yes, I can't wait.
Yes, yeah.
Well, that means that, you know, move over Aubrey Have.
You'll be getting mascara on your lenses.
That's right.
Oh wait, she was advertising contacts, was she?
No, I think that was for Specsavers.
I thought you went there because of...
I did.
I said, is Aubrey here today?
Aubrey have Melbourne drag queen and drag race down under alum.
Got an ad for Specsavers.
Good for her.
Fund of a blue wig and mascara.
Does she wear a blue wig?
I think she's wearing a blue wig in that campaign isn't she?
I thought she was wearing a tip top.
Midnight.
Yeah.
Midnight blue.
I don't know.
God, she looks good in that ad.
She looks so good.
Yeah.
I mean, when doesn't she?
But.
It's good.
Um, well, shit.
Yeah, that's enough.
Okay.
Well, how does the world end?
No, this is your wig.
Me?
Yes.
Okay. Do you know what it is?
Everyone gets keratoconus.
I thought you were going to say everyone.
Nevermind.
Everyone gets keratoconus, right?
And the world goes blind very quickly.
Oh.
But like blind, but not like full to darkness.
Like, like instead, like a kind of shmeary thing.
And that's when the aliens strike. And it takes
us a long time because they take us one by one. And our vision is
so poor that you think you're talking to like, me, you're like,
oh, lazy, how are you today? I'm like, I'm all good, but it's just something impersonating me.
And then it leads you off into like a little dark corner and then like, kills you and then
replaces you with one of its own.
And then you go to your family and you're like, how have you been with your eyes like,
you know, terrible and like, yeah, yeah, but it's okay, we're all moving on.
And then, and so eventually everyone is replaced
and that's when they've taken over fully,
kind of body snatches, but with eyesight stuff.
And like if you would actually be able to see them,
the replacements, they're only good enough
that it could work if your eyes were really deformed,
character corners,
because they kind of have this like weird pallid, like, um,
porousy flesh that like kind of seeps and looks a bit unwell.
So you really can't touch or else the illusion will be.
And there's kind of these little toggles hanging off all the skins and the parts.
Yeah. Yeah.
So the world doesn't end, but it is overrun by aliens.
It's an alien apocalypse.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Haven't saw the animals as well.
Okay. I was going to add that one.
Well, I mean, if you should suffer, we should all suffer.
Yes.
I think.
Yes.
Yeah.
My suffering is your suffering.
Actually one follow up question. Did Joanne not say anything about why it was just in one eye?
Like why could it only affect one eye?
I think that's a great fucking question. Yeah.
Is it? We don't, we, the leading theory,
and this was proffered by not Joanne, who I assume would have just pointed me in the direction of
a pamphlet, but by the woman at Specsavers who said,
are you an eye rubber?
And I said, ah, yeah, but like, who isn't kind of thing.
And then in the weeks preceding, preceding, following.
Proceeding and following, are they the same?
Proceeding.
Matt? Why isn't proceeding? Proceeding is to? Are they the same? Proceeding. Matt?
Why isn't proceeding...
Proceeding...
Is to be before or follow?
Yeah. It's before.
It's before?
I think so.
What is to come after?
Oh my god, no, we're all idiots!
Oh my god, the weeks after, I was like talking about this with friends, like Selda Moon and Nina Mulhall.
And I said, yeah.
And she said, it might be eye rubbing.
And then both of you were like, yeah, you're a big eye rubber.
Yes.
And I was like, what?
I didn't realize, you know, when someone tells you something about
yourself that you didn't know.
I just assumed everyone was rubbing their eyes all the time.
Turns out I'm known for being an eye rubber.
Yes.
Especially that eye.
Well, I think that might be it.
I think I might.
Maybe you do think that.
I think I just would be like, have a bit of a tick where I'd rub my left eye.
Yeah.
And now it's gotten to such a bad point that I've destroyed the cornea of my eye by rubbing
it.
Is that not crazy?
And I didn't grow up with parents who both have
glasses by you saying, Oh, don't rub your eyes. Did anyone?
You're going to get current head of the eye.
Sometimes you ask other people to rub your eyes.
Rub my eye. But I was also like, Joanne, what am I meant to do? I love rubbing my eyes because like, I am I crazy or is that the human condition?
I mean, what else can't we rub?
It releases something.
Right.
Surely releases something.
Doesn't it?
Well, it's like the feeling of your eyeball mashing into the back of your
skull is so satisfactory.
Cause it's all connected to your sinus and...
Oh, there's so much tension up there.
Yeah, there's air that gets trapped in there.
Yeah, what if I see a fabulous pie or a woman in a bikini on the boardwalk?
Oh, no.
Rook, rook, rook.
Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek.
Ooh.
You know?
Ah, ooga.
Exacto mundo.
Yeah.
You've got to see the knockers.
I've got to see the knockers.
I've got to see them gams.
Oh my God.
Anyway, but she was like, well, I can offer you drops to put in your eyes when you...
Fucking hell, Joanne.
I'm like, Joanne, darling, I don't think you're getting it.
I don't think this is your time.
Here's a pamphlet.
You know that I use my eyes, right?
They're kind of important. I think this is your time. Here's a pamphlet. You know that I use my eyes, right? You're like, I'm like-
They're kind of important.
You mean, oh, I'm gonna go transition from like,
the leisure and the fun and the fabulosity
of rubbing my eyes to being like,
can we just, can we just stop right there?
I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna get out some eye drops.
And kick them.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's disgusting.
I'll lose those eye drops as well.
They will be...
I presume you already have.
I...
Exactly.
I hate it.
Because I haven't seen you rub...
Like I've seen you rub your eyes this evening, but I haven't seen you drop any liquids in
them.
Have I rubbed my eyes this evening?
No, I'm just playing.
I'm trying my best.
I'm doing this little mash, like with my fingers, my index fingers in the very corner of my eye against the cartilage of the nose, which apparently is okay.
No.
As long as you're not pressing on the ball, which is the best part.
Far out. No, I feel like I would hurt my eyes if I pushed too hard.
Yeah, you would.
Right. Yeah. Okay.
Thanks, Zelda. I guess that makes sense. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Zelda. I guess that makes sense.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, thoughts and prayers.
Yeah.
Easy suits.
And thank you so much.
And you know what's the worst part?
Pinterest, the app that I downloaded, because I do enjoy it.
I've been sucked in.
Yeah.
They, uh, the app is so needy.
You know, there's apps that send you notifications all the time
I'm just like girl. I need to remember to turn this off
But you are so fucking annoying and let me tell you Pinterest it's too much
But the way that they prompt you with their little notifications because they have nothing to tell you because it's not like other people
Trying to reach you on Pinterest. They send you one that says oh lazy. You've got a good eye
They send you one that says, Oh, lazy.
You've got a good eye.
Rub it in, bitch.
Don't rub it in.
Thanks, Joanne.
Head of social for fucking Pinterest.
Well, at least when you go blind, you won't be able to see the notifications.
Exactly.
I'll just be able to see the notifications. Exactly. I'd be able to feel them. And you know what's so funny is that, uh, my boyfriend, um, was always like, he was
like, I always thought I'd end up with a deaf boyfriend.
Cause he's disappointed.
He, he could, he can, um, like do Auslan and, um, yeah.
And so we're getting blind boyfriend.
Oh my God. Wow. Perhaps it's shot come to that. My idea. And yeah, instead we're getting blind boyfriend.
Oh my God.
Perhaps it shouldn't come to that, my dear.
Well, perhaps it will.
Oh my God.
Okay, well.
Okay, that's all.
Well, on that note.
Goodbye.
You've been framed. To love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, to love, Hello. Hello, listener. Hello, listener. Hello, listener. What's your space car driver doing right now?
Listener?
Listening to the radio, taking a private call?
Do you think Raph is Benign Girls' space car driver?
Maybe.
Maybe.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Okay, what is this one?
Okay.
Listener, lazy, man, few.
Our first topic for discussion on today's podcast
is which flower is going into the bunker?
Which? Beautiful flower.
An important topic.
So I presume that everyone's first point of reference
for flowers is of course the three sisters in Keeping Up Appearances.
Hyacinth, Rose and...
What?
Clearly.
Daisy.
There you go.
There we go.
And from there...
You think that's people's first interaction with flowers?
Obviously, yes. As a human being on the earth, interacting with the... You think that's people's first interaction with flowers?
Obviously, yes. As a human being on the earth interacting with the world.
Flowers? Hyacinth, as in keeping up appearances.
Yes, I've seen keeping up appearances.
Yeah.
We haven't been out to the garden since I was four.
Well, I mean...
So, that's a great starting point.
From there, there's so many more options.
What flower are you going to have at your wedding?
Hydrangeas.
Green hydrangeas.
Green hydrangeas.
I fucking love green hydrangeas.
I love all hydrangeas, but, um, well, I, yeah, there's many varieties.
The ones that kind of like spindle out and don't have that true like hydrangea form. I'm like well
darling
If you're not doing the hydrangea form and you're doing this other like more spread small petal moment
I could do other flowers. Anyway, but I love hydrangeas. I really do. Do you know that hydrangeas?
like sims like as a symbol, is you'd plant hydrangeas out
in front of like a single woman's house to be like, she's a spinster.
Darling, wait till you see my house in summer this year.
Yeah, that's great.
Really?
Yeah.
Like in what?
God, like what?
The fifties and sixties?
I think like old timey, like British law.
Oh, British.
I remember cause we were looking for a flower for a scene in a film and we're
like, what, what kind of, can we like do here?
That's a little like, can we find something interesting and significant
just for us to kind of pick a flower?
And we learned it on hydrangeas.
Cause yeah, it's this kind of superstition around hydrangeas being
making you seem like a spinster.
Jesus.
Um, but yes, love them.
I just think, yeah, the color selection is incredible.
I also love the leaves of hydrangeas, not that we're talking about which leaf,
because that's a whole different conversation.
Um, but they do have great leaves.
Um, sadly, deciduous.
But you know, I won't hold it against them.
But that's like a fabulous treat.
Yeah, but deciduous plants stress me out
because like maintaining a stick is stressful.
What about it?
Is it alive or is it dead?
Are you coming back?
Do I prune you?
How hard do I prune?
Like there's just many layers to that stick care.
Yeah.
Whereas like an evergreen like shrub, like a camellia, right? Like the shrub,
I understand all months of the year and the flowers, I understand for their time.
Whereas a hydrangea, like my hydrangeas have just started coming out again.
My hydrangeas?
You survived the winter, dear.
Congratulations.
I'm so relieved.
Whereas I didn't know.
You know?
That's a nice surprise.
Like just when you think they're dead, Jesus.
Smack a lot.
And then bulbs, fucking bulbs are a whole nother thing.
I just like, like tulips.
Yeah.
Yeah, cool. I like them.
I mean, I like it, but like,
Cause they always come back, you know,
like they're just sitting in the dirt.
What do you think about people giving out bulbs
for wedding, like trinkets?
Like a wedding.
Like the bonbonieri.
Like when you like get like a little satin pouch.
Yeah, what's it called?
Yeah, yeah.
Bonbonieri.
Bonbonieri. Oh, is that what it's called?
Like a party favor?
Like at a wedding, you'd give your guests bombonieri.
Yeah, it's Italian.
Thank you for the Italian words.
And that's the...
And they're usually like...
Candied almonds.
Exactly, which are fucking disgusting.
But it's not really for eating.
You don't eat your memories.
You put it in a little trinket cup.
Darling, I eat my memories.
I eat my feelings.
I eat it all.
Yeah, but I mean, I'm a bulb instead of a almond.
That's news to me, but I like it.
Yeah, people do that.
They're like, I mean, I think a bulb is like a bit different
because I've received seeds, like wildflower seeds,
native wildflower seeds at a wedding, challenge Tristan.
And that was nice because it's just the right scale.
They're in like a little pouch, but a bulb,
a great fucking huge bulb.
Bulb.
One flower.
You're like garlic.
Yeah. Let're like garlic. Yeah.
Let your love grow.
Um, when I was a kid, which this is a bit like stand by me. This is a bit like, I don't know, like, uh, what is it?
Mud.
Um, with Matthew McConaughey.
Uh, but we used to, when we went to this, our friend's country home up in Bucking, where
he now lives, Tristan.
Bucking.
Bucking.
Yeah.
There was a house nearby, which was an abandoned home.
And so like, you know, if we were looking for something to do, we would like go and
walk up the road a piece and go to this abandoned home and like break in.
Because I guess what teenagers do.
And it was left, everything was left exactly as it was the day that the woman who'd lived there was taken away.
And it was like had all her things like her family albums, everything.
So we just like we weren't like trashing it or anything.
We just like look at everything.
Um, and it's really like eerie and the electricity was still on, but it was like
the whole house was like falling off the side of the hill.
There was like no floor in some rooms.
Like it was like really starting to degrade.
But then we like slowly learnt the story of what happened to the woman who lived
there and apparently like the day she was taken away to the old folks home by her children involuntarily, all of the townspeople came up and
she used to have this like famous, famous tulip garden, like this like beautiful winding footpaths
with like garden beds with these like stunning like,, yeah, rare varietals of tulip and all this stuff.
And it would like become kind of this like spectacle in the town every year.
And all the townsfolk came up the day that she went and pilfered and took all
the tulips away from the yarn and they all now like live across the, the.
Spread through the community.
Which I guess is kind of romantic,
but in kind of like, yeah, it's really weird. But I just go buy tulips from Bunnings. These
weren't the tulips. You could just buy Dunnings. You had to go to many weddings to receive
the seed. Yeah. Sorry. And that's the story. I like that story. Yeah. Um, how
did you piece that story together? Well, he lived in the town eventually, so he kind of
got the full story. Tell me the legend. Yeah. I think that the way that it sounds like country
home makes it sound like they're wealthy, but it was more just that they had like more intentions.
It was a house in the country.
Yeah.
Well, also speaking of being a different age,
when I was growing up,
I loved walking home
and in spring, all the freezers would pop up.
And I love freezers.
They're such as...
Oh, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossing and scrambling.
I also like Frasier.
Oh my God.
Um, because this...
Take this seriously, please.
Yeah, if you would.
Um, because the shape of freeisia's are so weird and cute.
I love that.
And yeah, like they, and they would just like grow up like on the street.
Like they were just kind of like everywhere.
How do you spell Frisia?
Ooh, F R E S H I A.
Maybe, maybe.
I dunno.
Frisia? I dunno. Oh yeah, I don't know. Frisha?
Oh yeah.
But they're good.
They are so beautiful.
So pretty.
Very like, hmm, like it's not much of a flower.
Well, it's definitely got that.
It's like, if I was drawing a cartoon of like a fairy's backyard, and, um, it's
kind of got a frond that looks a bit like a fern and then like long blade like
grass.
You'd mistake it for grass.
And then the flower could only be described as something that, yeah, a fairy or a pixie
might wear as a kind of hat.
Yes.
Or drink wine out of at the fairy banquet.
Or a fabulous goddess might wear as earrings or something.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
So love that.
Then yes, so love hydrangeas.
What else is good? I mean, like snapdragons and things like that are great.
I mean, bluebells are beautiful.
Yeah.
Do you know what is good but has kind of been like co-opted by the military?
Poppies.
Oh yeah.
They're so cool.
Yeah, very textured.
They're beautiful.
Like when you look at them up close,
you're like, wow, I don't think I've ever seen
anything so delicate in my life.
But then it's like also heroin
and then also, you know, dead Anzacs.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
What a legacy.
Tall Poppy Syndrome.
And Tall Poppy Syndrome.
Cut em down.
As if you're fucking mowing your poppy field.
Yeah, what the fuck?
Speaking of tall, my...
Your transitions are very good.
My dad is a horticulturalist, so I grew up gardening and everything.
And there was this summer where my grandma had moved down to the peninsula.
And it was, she like moved into a new house and they, and dad, I don't know why, but he
planted all of these like massive sunflower seeds in the front yard, as in like the entire
garden bed was just sunflowers. Wow.
And then they all grew, but it was like,
like sunflowers do grow enormous.
Yeah.
But it was like, some of them were like three meters tall.
Amazing.
Like huge, like dinner plate sized flowers.
And because of where the house was on,
was that Eastbourne Road or whatever?
It was like kind of like a really, really busy road. because of where the house was on, was that Eastbourne Road or whatever?
It was like kind of like a really, really busy road and everybody knew like the Sunflower House.
I was like, that's my grandma's house.
That's so cool.
Yeah.
And then every year they were like, yeah.
But also Sunflower has turned to the sun.
I'm like pick a direction.
Go where you need to go. Well, that's also- But yeah, their corpses leave behind like a pick a direction. Um, go where you need to go.
But yeah, their corpses leave behind like a lot of waste.
Oh, thick, thick.
And like when you dissect it, it's kind of like, um, it's very like if you zoomed in,
that could be the interior of an alien ship, like kind of, um, uh, like textured fibrous, like stem.
What flowers did you have at your wedding?
That, um, I cannot remember.
Typical man.
We, we had, we had good flowers.
I can't remember what they were exactly.
We had, we had good flowers.
I can't remember what they were exactly.
Good.
Well, we got a person to come and do some flower arranging, but we didn't go over the top of the flowers.
We didn't really have like bouquets or like giant arrangements.
It was just like small little, small little things.
Mostly natives, I think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had a friend who does flower arranging and so she came and did some stuff.
I think she's doing some flower arranging workshops soon actually.
Has she started a business in Castleman?
She has.
Has she?
I think she's in Dalesford.
Good. Good. If anyone is interested in a workshop.
Absolutely.
Although I've already committed to doing stained glass.
That's my thing.
We'll do some of them too.
Wisteria.
But it's so annoying.
Wisteria Lane. It's very evil. Yeah. Exactly. Like Wisteria. But it's so annoying. It's very evil.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Like Wisteria Lane.
What's Wisteria Lane?
Is that Desperate Housewives?
Yeah.
But all the Wisteria on Wisteria Lane was fake.
Was it?
Yeah.
It was all a set, darling.
Yes.
I mean, like, obviously, like, you know, not to be too much like Drew Barrymore, or
if I could be, um, daisies.
Daisies, daisies.
Yeah, love it.
I think if daisies didn't have the cultural cachet and you saw a daisy, you'd be like,
wow, what is that?
That's incredible.
Yeah.
So beautiful and simple.
That's good.
Pedals.
He loves me.
He loves me not. Also, do you have that thing with butter cups
where you'd be like, do you like butter?
And then hold it underneath someone's chin.
And then if it reflected yellow, it
meant that the person liked butter.
If it didn't reflect yellow, it meant
that they didn't like butter.
What?
You never played that game?
I only ever played Do You Like Cheese?
No, Smell the Cheese.
What?
What?
Matt, what? I played that game all the cheese. What? What? Matt, what?
I play that game all the time.
Zelda, please.
Matt, what?
Like you hold your, put your fist on your hand.
What?
You put your fist on your hand, right?
On the palm of your hand.
Yeah.
And you say, smell the cheese.
And then you punch him in the face.
Oh, and then you punch someone in the face.
Sorry?
Yeah, like, because you're grating the cheese.
And you punch him.
I'm sorry, darling.
That happened in primary school.
Let me tell you the difference between Upway Primary and wherever the fuck hellscape you guys were.
The Arrakis planet or whatever.
We were running around putting flowers under each other's chins to find out whether we had affinity for butter.
Oh, we did that too. Did you have sour grass? Yes! flowers under each other's chins to find out whether we had a, a finicky for butter.
Did you have sauerkraut?
Yes. It was a little like yellow flowers and you just eat the stems.
Yes.
Hmm.
Well, we then got to high school and we started smoking it.
That's right.
Behind the gym.
Yeah.
That was the place to go smoking.
There was the log at my school.
The log. Yeah. Everyone would go was the log at my school. Yeah.
And the log.
Everyone would go to the log, not me, but the cool rebel kids.
Wait, for gym class or for smoking?
Smoking.
Oh.
And then Steve, the gym teacher would be like, oh, you can see you out there.
Yeah.
Around the log.
I thought your log was like your balance beam.
That's all you had or something.
No.
We had more than that in acro.
Yeah, Acro.
Acro, acrobatics.
Okay.
We're getting sidetracked, so it is unhappy.
I love African violets.
So cute.
A little.
I'm going to look this up.
African violets.
You kind of need to explain a little bit.
Oh, okay. So African violets are like a very like old fashioned, like windowsill kind of plan.
Oh yeah.
Um, but very cute.
This is like potted color.
Well, okay.
Let's not, let's not go putting them in like pansy category.
You don't like pansies?
I mean, they're fine, but that's potted color.
I'm looking at African violet and that would not be an estrangement.
I think African violet needs a bit more attention than your common potted colour.
Oh, pansies are so ridiculously beautiful.
They're pretty good.
There's a reason that they're in every fucking hardware store in the world.
Wow, yes.
Because they're so beautiful.
Depassion fruit flower, that That is that is good, bitch.
That's like, I don't like they broke the mold on that one.
Yeah.
It's really rubbery, isn't it?
It's like the no, it's really delicate.
It looks like a UFO.
It's got those like, it looks kind of like an evil looking and planned.
Yes.
Yes. Yes, yes. Like it's got these weird little like pod holding like street lamp style triptych thing
on top.
It's good.
It's really good.
Oh, antennae.
I encourage you to look at it.
I'm looking at it right now.
It's beautiful.
I love.
If you're listening to this, Google all of these flowers as we go.
I presume people now know to listen to these.
Imagine that being your flower and then like, your fruit is also passion fruit.
It's like, honey, pick a lane.
You're just incredible in every category.
It's good.
And you're a creeping vine.
What a way to live.
I know.
Wow.
Yeah.
Such a creeper.
Um, I love fuchsias because why pick one color when you can have two bold colors? The original color blocking.
But my fuchsias are so temperamental. I don't know. I'm just trying to find the right location
for them. Once again. Oh, they're like a little, they're definitely like pixie core. Yes. Like
they, they pixies are wearing Moses hats. They're like a flower that drops down. Yeah. Hanging
basket. They look like little dancing women drops down. Yeah. Hanging basket territory.
They look like little dancing women with kind of fabulous skirts on.
Yes.
I like that.
Hmm.
Oh, there's just a never ending.
Do you know what I think might be the MVP of flowers?
Hibiscus.
Hibiscus is good.
Why is it so spiky?
Oh, actually cactus flowers are so beautiful.
Orchids?
No, I hate orchids.
I'm sorry, but that is ruined.
Why?
We've ruined it.
But who ruined it?
Like $2 gift shops have ruined the orchid.
Yeah, fair.
Like, I just-
But a good orchid is a good-
I mean, obviously there's a reason it's so like, but I think it's like, I want to see
it in nature, like, Ooh, in an adaptation with Meryl Streep where she's like trying
to find the spider orchid in the middle of the swamp and she's like looking for days.
Ooh, it's so good.
Hmm.
What are we going to say though?
The magnolia.
Oh, I love magnolias. They're actually in bloom at the moment. Oh, they are. Hmm. What are we going to say though? The Magnolia.
Oh, I love Magnolias.
They're actually in bloom at the moment.
It is so Magnolias come back once a year as we like leave winter and like it's a grim,
like you know, you've just suffered through winter and then the first sign that things
are changing is when magnolias start
to bloom. And like, oh, it's just such a beautiful flower. The scent is amazing.
And it's also, I love that it's so unadorned. It's like, I'm the flower. There's no other leaves in
this tree. It's just me. It's my time to tell my story. And here I am.
One woman show.
It is a one woman show.
She doesn't need anything else.
And that tree has been like nothing.
And now we're back.
We're back bitch.
What about the ones that bloom in spring?
The first ones.
I mean the cherry blossoms are beautiful.
Yeah they're fine.
But the thing about the cherry blossoms.
There's another one that's like, furry.
They get the little furry buds.
Furry buds?
Like, like velvety.
I would say that the thing that's enchanting about cherry blossoms is not
in the individual flower, but in the confetti.
That blows away.
Oh, yeah.
You're telling me you're all going to blow off your confetti at the same time.
And it's going to flutter through the streets and look so beautiful.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
I think the other one I was thinking of is Pussy Willow.
What's her flower?
They have the little velvet buds and then they turn into similar, similar, like cherry
blossom sort of little.
Oh yes. Oh yes. Yes of little. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
They are little fairy bitches.
Whoa.
I mean, what about a wattle?
I mean, wattle is great.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, banksia.
Um, banksia.
Yeah.
Banksia flowers are so cool.
Oh, that's the one that looks like a cone. Like a pine cone.
Fabulous pine cone.
Yeah, like kind of very, they're very like soft.
They're South African, aren't they?
No, thanks.
These are Australian.
The Proteus, I think you think you're Proteus.
Oh, right.
South African, yeah.
They're cool too.
Very soft.
Just like Charlize.
I also really like Lantanas. They're so old fashioned and lame, but um, Lantanas.
They're so old fashioned and lame, but I love.
They're like a little cluster.
They're kind of like a mini version of your, um, hydrangeas.
They're like little colored, like tiny little flowers.
And the Tana's have a great smell as well.
Like the bush.
Well, that's it.
We kind of need to speak about, um, benign girls favorite flower.
Oh, the frangipani.
The frangipani.
True.
Do you know the thing about frangipani?
Nothing looks better on a seat cover.
Nothing.
Yeah.
Well, they're, they're so perfect that they look synthetic.
Yes.
They, there's something about walking in the hot night air through like,
Cloundra and getting like that beachy sea salty warm breeze blowing through the night
and then it catches the scent of the frangipani and it's like such an incredible smell that
it's like, I don't know. It's really beautiful. It's good. Yeah, it's like such an incredible smell that it's like, I don't know.
It's really beautiful.
It's good.
Yeah, it's good.
And they have such thick petals.
Yeah.
The thickness.
Yeah.
They look like foam.
Yeah.
When it's a petal or like a leaf like that, where when you kind of like imprint
it, it can like, it gets bruised.
Yeah.
Oof.
Exactly.
But don't do that.
Don't do that. Don't doised. Yeah. Oof. Exactly. But don't do that.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Okay.
Oh look, there's so many fantastic options.
Well, if you were gonna receive a bouquet of flowers
from a man, what would you want it to be?
Hydrangeas.
Okay.
So you stand noted.
And like, I want hydrangeas and I want leaves,
but I don't want a fucking monstera leaf.
Like, oh yeah, like that is so like, I love a monstera, but not come now.
Like also I know how long those leaves take to fucking grow.
Yeah.
Let it be on the plant.
Do you know what the most outrageous fucking flower is?
The lily.
Lily.
It smells amazing and it looks crazy
Lillies are great. Yeah, what about those giant bird eating plants?
Yeah, yeah, there's meat plant
Me yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Roughly planet earth one time and I had an orangutan.
Maybe orangutan.
Good. Fell into the pod.
Flowers one orangutan to the goo at the bottom.
Zero. Maybe we need that.
There is a wait.
Carnivorous flower thing.
Well, flower.
We think these are two separate things. Carnivorous.
I'm trying to think of this flower. We think these are two separate things. Carnivorous. I'm trying to think of this flower. You're trying to think of a flower?
Yeah.
It feels important for this topic.
Do you know what?
You say.
That's called the Rafflesia plant.
The largest carnivorous flower in the world.
Yeah, Raff, yeah, yeah.
It looks so cool.
But what about this Diva?
So this is what I was trying to look up, but it's the, um, Taka, Taka.
Um, it's like a black, it's kind of like, kind of like an orchid, I guess, but
similar to the, um, hibiscus, it has the long little, I don't know what they're called things.
Look at that bitch.
Ooh, that is crazy.
They're so cool.
I would love to get one of these.
How do you spell that?
Um, T-A-C-C-A it's black bat flower, which I didn't realize it had a common name.
Oh, see, I like that. That is so good. It's what bat flower, which I didn't realize it had a common name. Oh, see, I like that.
That is so good.
It's what a diva.
Okay.
To me, it's between that.
Yeah.
Um, the carnivorous, I think the bunker would really do well with like a flower that you
could fall into and get dissolved by goo.
Absolutely.
Um, hydrangeas I could absolutely go for.
I think they're fabulous.
And I think we do have a lot of spinsters in the bunker and recent widows.
So I'd like that.
That's our genre.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
I'm going to let you have this one given that you're, you come from a horticultural
dynasty.
Wait, did I think I missed the conversation about the carnivorous plants?
Cause I was looking up that black thing.
Which one are we talking about?
The blambling.
The largest one in the world.
The which one?
It's like a big funnel.
The stinky one.
Yeah.
The meaty girl.
I think that's it.
Like this, the black tucker is amazing, but like.
It looks like a, like a drag race down under, no, drag race all-stars outfit.
Yes, it does.
Um, like it's incredible.
Like look at her.
Then hydrangeas, like I'd kind of prefer to just keep that for myself in outer space.
So that's fine.
He's going to scoop up all the hydrangeas before the aliens get to them. And I think like the, um, reflesia kind of like,
cause they don't flower often, right? Or do they? Oh no, she's the one that's fine.
No, that's not the, what's the one that like flowered at the garden?
Yeah. They're like century plants.
Yeah. That one too. Well, anyway, it's not that one, the reflesia, it's like thery plants. Yeah, that one. Yeah.
There's that one too.
Well, anyway, it's not that one.
The Refleisure, it's like the Gloom, you know, Pokemon.
Yeah.
So let's do that.
Okay.
Because that is, I mean, it's kind of beautiful, but it's definitely horrendous and very bunker
coated.
Very, very bunker.
Very bunker.
Bunker Shurn.
Look at this guy. He's hot. And he's next to that flower.
Oh my god, Zelda's found a hot guy near a flower.
I'll send it to the group chat.
Okay, well, congratulations, you're in.
Don't get dissolved.
What if... No. Okay. We'll be back. Wait, wait. Okay, and welcome back. It's now time for our next category, which is, of course, which
CGI creation is getting into the bunker. So I kind of, I put this forward on the back of, you know, seeing that corridor crew on YouTube, discussing all those various CGI guys.
So computer generated imagery.
Anyway, so, you know, we've got some great contenders, but I want to know which one is, is being saved.
Yeah. For all time.
And in any films we already have in the bunker that have CG, it'll be taken out and this
will be put in.
And replaced with this.
Yes.
So in Rat Race, that helicopter that Amy Smart is flying will be taken out and put with whatever
we add.
Okay.
Well, when I think CG in film, the first thing I think of, which like I don't all like, I
like is the Terminator liquid form.
Ooh, the T-1000.
Sure.
You don't like the Terminator?
I do.
It's Schwarzenegger.
Yeah. Whoa. It's very like, like I know that. You don't like the Terminator? I do. It's Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Whoa.
It's very like, like I know that Sarah Connor.
Sarah Connor.
But like it's very like bro-y.
Baby, what do you mean?
Sarah Connor.
Yeah, but I don't know.
Like I like it, but like.
That's so weird.
Isn't there a Terminator movie with Tom Cruise in it?
No.
Isn't there?
In one of the new ones?
Are you sure?
Will you say something next?
I'm just going to double check.
I love the Terminator.
He's cool.
He's a robot from the future.
Christian Bale's in Terminator.
Yeah, that's where he had his breakdown,
yelling at the person who had their phone out on set.
Could you please?
Yeah, Like that.
I don't need that.
But then I don't like, cause the liquid Terminator, whatever, that actor is so
like pointy faced, he like freaks me out.
Yeah.
So like eighties and like that hair and like, it kind of like, yeah, hits.
But no one looks like that. No, only he looks like, yeah, it hits. But no one looks like that.
No, only he looks like that.
And I'd prefer no one did.
So I think that's my issue.
I love that.
He's so scary.
He is.
That's it, he freaks me out.
Yeah.
Apparently he trained really hard to like run like a robot, like run really,
like frequently.
Yeah.
And when they were shooting, they had to like, actually get him to slow down.
Cause he started catching up with the car a lot of the time.
Like he was like actually just catching the van or that he was chasing or whatever.
The people.
See, he freaks me out.
But like that's the point.
You mean the old, the old one though.
Yeah.
Not like the new one with um, what I mean, the liquid eyebrows.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's another, there is a T 1000 in one of the new Genesis ones or whatever
it's called the newest terminators.
I like that new, new one where Sarah Connor came back.
Yeah.
What's her name with them English pointy eyebrows from game of thrones is in it too.
Sure.
That one. Young Sarah Connor. English pointy eyebrows, um, from game of Thrones is in it too. Sure.
That one. Young Sarah Connor.
Oh, the girl from station 11.
I love her.
And that girl is in it.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
She's incredible.
And that guy is in the faculty.
Evil.
It's not too bad.
That one.
The faculty.
Oh, sorry.
I meant that, that Terminator.
Oh yeah.
The new new Terminator with your buff. But the faculty, that's great. And meant that, that terminator. Oh yeah. The new, new terminator was your buff.
But the faculty that's great.
And that's got a great monster.
It does.
A big slug out.
Tentacle monster.
Yeah.
Do you know what CGI monster I didn't like?
Fucking the demogorgon from Stranger Things.
Oh, I didn't like that.
Because do you know what it looks exactly like?
Fucking like Pinterest.
You know what I mean?
Like it doesn't look like you put a thought into,
do you know like monster design where it's like,
and then it's head opens up like a flower and there's teeth around in a circle.
And I'm like, yeah, but it just feels so misc. Like it just feels misc scary.
But also like we'll wear its eyes because if the eyes are on the top of the
head and it's looking around and then it has to open its mouth and the eyes
Then are looking behind its body. How can it aim the mouth to chomp you off?
How can it aim its mouth to chop like all of a sudden it's like
What heat tech brain exactly fine like where are the eyes and also in a quiet place?
I'd be so embarrassed if day two that film comes out,
people see it and like, oh, you just did Stranger Things.
The monster looks exactly the same.
And in Stranger Things, that is like peak.
Peak. Um, it shouldn't be CGI.
Right. Exactly.
Like, mama.
Because it's a human shape.
Sorry.
So, sorry.
And wasn't the whole theory for the show meant to be that it was set in the 80s?
Yeah, where they didn't have as much...
A homage to like 80s pop culture?
Yeah.
Come on, it wouldn't be that...
But that tall guy who plays...
You know the one who plays, um, like the alien in...
Oh yeah, that one tall guy.
Like Labyrinth, Elton, not the alien, the alien, you know that guy.
There's one tall guy who played all the puppets.
The tall guy who plays creatures.
He should be the Demogorgon.
Yeah.
You know?
Give him work.
Because he can do it.
Abe Sapien?
What?
Sorry? You played Abe Sapien in Hellboy? Yeah. Yeah, can do it. Abe Sapien. You played Abe Sapien in Hellboy?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's always like, employed by that director who did Hellboy.
Gilmore.
Yeah, Gilmore.com.
Gilmore.
Anyway, that's annoying.
I just can't believe that.
And also I just think the upside down, sorry darling, sort it out.
I don't understand because like, so it's an inversion of regular planet.
You're about to say it.
If I build a house and then is it being like, who's building it?
Who's building it in the upside down?
Because then there are buildings there.
At what point is it married? I have an upside down building company.
Yeah, at what point in history did we have the-
Because if I'm holding a piece of wood, I'm not seeing a levitating piece of wood in the
upside down.
I couldn't agree with you more.
I can't.
It's so fucking stupid.
I-
Think it through before you start the season.
Here's my pitch.
Can I just say, just quickly, we're not going to stay on this for long, but it's just because
I think about this show too much recently because, I don't know, I just feel like it
went off track and we lost our minds five years ago.
First season was great.
Fun time.
Winona is so good.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
But it's the very start of season one of stranger things, like the lab tears a
hole in the time space continuum, whatever.
Then we find out in the coming days that there are things coming out of this alternate dimension version of our reality called the upside down.
Great.
I'm 100% on board.
That makes sense.
We're good.
Very Stephen King.
Then people start dying.
Boy goes missing. If that was the inflection point
where the upside down was born, like nothing has progressed beyond that point. There's
no new buildings or anything. It's just an exact replica. And that there was a reality
that was running alongside ours that wasn't haunted and fucked up, but rather was like
normal. And then something got fucked up when that tear happened.
And that was the inflection point where the upside down became a
creepy place to be.
So all the buildings are burnt out and destroyed and abandoned as a result of
either the tear and the time, like parallel universe, or this creature went there
and destroyed everything at a certain point in their history.
went there and destroyed everything at a certain point in their history.
And so it's like, couldn't you then either trace that history of like
something that has come to fruition in this alternate reality that isn't coming to fruition in your reality, like this monster coming to Earth or being
born out of an egg or whatever the fuck.
And that is then you have to like work that backwards and be like, how do we
stop this from happening in our reality?
Cause we see what happens to this other place.
And then like the team has to track in season two has to track down where the demogorgon is in their reality.
Cause it's like an egg or a science experiment or whatever.
And that's the thing that destroyed this other place.
And number two, when you bring in the big bad in like season four and it turns out to be some kid that was getting experimented on at the same time.
And like, that's a lot of retconning.
Yeah.
Why don't you?
Cancel the show.
Get that.
You know who's got stakes to come back and really fuck with the lives of the people in
Hawkins, Indiana?
Barb.
Yeah, you're one of those.
I want evil Bob, because I think that there should be shadow people in the
upside down that are the survivors of whatever awful thing happened.
Yeah. And the Bob sees that she, her alternate died in their reality.
She finds the corpse of Bob and then she's like really miffed off and comes
back to take vengeance because she was the little like, I'm not Nancy's little side piece anymore.
I am a woman who's going to kill them.
It's a mess. It's a fucking mess. It's peak.
Like here's a idea for a one season of a show.
And then it exploded. And then like,
the, but the world wasn't built enough to extend to five seasons.
Yeah.
So every time they're inventing new things and that's not how world building works.
You need to create the stories and if you get the opportunity to tell them, then
congratulations.
Yes.
And if you don't, then that's a fun book that nerds can buy.
Yeah.
For fuck's buy. Yeah.
For fuck's sake.
Yeah.
Oh.
Couldn't agree more.
Or do an anthology.
Season two could be another 80s pastiche that you clearly want to do.
Yeah.
Like Ryan...
But also shut up.
Who cares about the 80s?
Everything's so ugly.
Everything's so ugly there.
Except for the better version of Stranger Things, Listener, which is called Dark, which is this
German... Or the better version of Stranger Things, Listener, which is called Dark, which is this German, I mean, it's the same show, except done incredibly better, both in like 80s authenticity
and sci-fi storytelling.
It's so good.
It's done in three seasons.
It has a fabulous woman in the 80s with like big hair that's really curly and she runs
a nuclear power plant.
It's so good.
I mean, everyone's hot and everyone's German.
Need we say more?
Yeah.
There's a woman who runs a nuclear power plant.
Yes.
Fiction.
You haven't seen it, have you?
No.
It's so good. It's really good.
But then the creators made this new TV show that was maybe like a year or two ago
about like a haunted ship that was kind of the same and it was really bad. So, you know, there's only so many good ideas
in the world.
Yeah. Well, it's like, you know, speed to cruise control. You just take your idea and
put it on a boat. Yeah, but that's a good idea. That is a great, great idea. I would
love Miss Congeniality, open water. Same. Did you see Twisters? No, I haven't seen twisters. Yeah,
I can't mean either. But I imagine it's a real hoot. I think it'll be fun. Oh,
okay. Yeah. Yeah. So I think of Scorpion King in the Mummy Return. Yeah. Like that
was some great, the rock. What about the scarab beetle under the skin? Ooh, that was good.
I love that.
Yeah, that's good.
But yeah, the king.
I think of that flipping around Yoda when he was fighting.
And they were like-
In Attack of the Clones.
Yeah, they were like, you know what, we fixed it.
CGI's there now.
I mean, what for in the bunker?
Yoda?
Oh, Attack of the Clones. bunker. Yoda. Oh, I take it the clones.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, that's true.
So bare in mind that whatever CGI we put in will now be replacing that.
It'll go from the puppet shot of Yoda to whatever we put in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, what about the like little time loop warping thing in Donnie
Darko coming out of your chest?
Ooh, I can see my future in front of me.
I'm sorry, but that's good.
That's good.
Also, what a great use of LACG where it's like, it's meant to look like that.
Yes.
Like, there was obviously like-
Barriers.
The barriers, but we could do that.
Yeah.
Like the, what was it?
The Abyss style.
It wasn't really a character though, was it?
Darling. Oh, darling. That? Oh really a character though, was it? Darling.
Oh, darling.
That...
That's just some good CV.
That wet tube.
But I also like, there, I have such an appreciation for like wet tube, as opposed to like, as,
you know, you would say this before I would, but like the Marvel, you know, like, misc,
light, sparkle, jet.
Totally.
What the fuck is that?
Who cares?
You know what I watched the episodes on?
You know, you.
Well, also just very quickly, like no one has powers that look like that
in the fucking comic books.
So why do they look like that in the movies?
Yeah.
It's like the Scarlet Witch, for example, has an iconic power set that is like,
very like all these spheres of, you know, like her reality magic is like,
represented by these like, particular spheres.
And you know, like, Psylocke's power is like, represented by like this other thing.
And like even Gene's powers and like, da-da-da-da.
So it's like...
Even Gene's powers and like da da da da.
So it's like, but it's like, then in the movie, everyone's just like beam of light girl.
There's so many beams of light flying around different colors.
Anyway, so stupid.
What are you going to say Matt?
Oh, I just watched, um, the Planet of the Apes.
So good. Which one?
The, um, the war, I think.
Yeah.
The newest.
No, no, no, not the war.
Not the newest one.
The one where they like are in the snow and they're fighting, um, Woody Howelson.
Snow dogs.
Yeah, that's right.
Good CGI there.
But I was just watching it.
I was like, holy moly.
The animals are insane.
Yeah.
They're getting good, aren't they?
Like the fur, like the snow falling on their fur.
Yeah.
It was like, I was like, if people from the past watch this, they would
think that these were real animals.
Oh, for sure.
Apes are real.
Seriously.
They were like, no, oh my God, I just can talk now.
And they're acting in movies.
How long do you think it would take to go back into like, yeah, like 1920s and be like,
here it is.
And they'd be like freaked out.
But then how long do you think it would take for someone to get jaded about it and be like,
oh, we've seen it.
No, they'd burn you as a witch first.
I like that.
Yeah.
I wonder what people like, I'm sure this is documented
since it happened, but like, what was the reaction when like Metropolis came out? Yeah.
People like, probably like, wow. Did you see that movie about the shitty? Yeah. The shitty
shitty. Gold woman. Well, wasn't the first movie that trip to the moon or whatever it
was, it was one of the, I think it was the Loubi brothers. That was one't the first movie, the trip to the moon or whatever it was. It was one of the, I think it was the Lubierre brothers.
That was one of the first films and that was like pretty trippy.
You know what the first, what was it?
The first film was the great train heist.
Was it?
That was an Australian film.
But when you watch like-
They had, they had film back then.
Australia.
When you watch like Jurassic World, Fallen Kingdom,
don't you just want to like kill yourself rather than finish watching it?
Because like it just like, and when you like Jurassic Park
is like a cinema classic for various reasons or whatever.
But like that film like looks incredible if you watch it today.
Yes.
Because those objects existed on the planet.
Yeah.
And then you watch the new ones and like they just...
Your eyes glaze over.
It's just another like CGI little creature bopping around.
That is so sad.
Yeah, they give them a bit too much movement in the CGI sometimes.
Yeah.
It all becomes too fluid.
Yeah.
It's like they're trying to like embody a lot of emotion and stuff into CGI
characters, which is good, but I think they lose their like animalistic
characteristics when they do that.
I think like a cold robotic action of a literal robot in ways can be more, like
it reads more realistic because animals don't emote the way that humans do.
No.
They do not.
They don't like raise a brow and...
No.
But that's it.
I can't...
Like, the fact that Chris Pratt is a piece of shit is, like, a separate conversation
for, like, will Chris Pratt get in the bunker?
No.
But like...
Worst CGI ever.
I wish he wasn't real.
Sadly, he is out there fucking bashing Bibles every day.
But him talking to a fucking baby velociraptor and, like, clicking at it. Oh, get fucked. It's just trash.
I hate that. Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, what is good?
Well, you know what?
What is good, Adi?
Another...
Yeah, I find it really hard to look at those things for too long
because they're too well lit.
And your eye.
Look, yeah, exactly.
You've got that bad eye.
Darling, I've got such limited time with sight. I don't want to waste it on the
lost world. That's what's caused the problem. Oh, sorry, whatever the fuck. The new ones.
Yeah. Fallen world. Fallen CGI. Yeah. I think it's ugly. I think it's also, generally, like a lot of
CG that we're seeing is like not very good.
And it's not very good because it's rushed
by very big studios forcing these graphic design studios,
not like CGI studios to like outbid each other
for a contract that means that they'll be rushing
what could take 12 months in three months, you know?
Like to do like, yeah.
And it's just like, there'll be scenes in these films where you're like, they just
didn't have the time and they pre-vis this whole thing and they're like, this
is what you're doing.
So it's like, there's not that, there's not a filmmaker sitting there like
Steven Spielberg being like, when you see the T-Rex,
it will be in darkness and it will be obscured by leaves
and lightning and these elements that will help build it
into the scene and make it feel like it's part of the world
and make it feel real.
Whereas these things will just be like weightless,
plugged in, put all over the top of where they assume, you know, like
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Act as performances. And so it just doesn't ever feel integrated.
Whereas like a just a nice sparing little bit of CG. You know, actually though, the
mist has some really nice, it's got really low budget CG. So it's really cheap looking
notoriously, but the design, the creature design is so good and so interesting to look at.
It's like with the roller door with the tentacles.
Yeah, the tentacle was so bad, but the insects that come and like, yeah, land on the front of the supermarket
are like really fun.
So sometimes it just is a matter of like the design because creature design
is I don't know like stranger things in Quiet Place having the exact same
creature is so weird. Yeah a sign of a lack of vision perhaps. What was I gonna say?
You're gonna say is it the owl from the start of the Labyrinth movie?
No one can take you from man in a way.
So then like there are some like, I mean, there are, it's interesting, like the piece on time, right?
Like even like She-Hulk, for example, there are scenes in that, those episodes that look really, really good.
And there are scenes that look really, really bad
because it was so rushed and tortuous or whatever.
Yeah.
Which is unfortunate.
Cause you would hope that a project would
allow enough time for completion.
Yeah. Right?
And I feel like before CGI got so good,
it was more of a novelty and perhaps given more attention
because every exploration into CG was a representation
of like, this is what the tech can do.
And isn't that amazing?
Whereas now there's so much of it.
It's more like, it's not like it's so commonplace
that it's like, it just has to exist.
It's no longer like showcasing what CGI can do.
Cause we know that it can look like planet of the apes if given time and budget,
but it also just needs to do what it needs to do as opposed to being like special.
Um, but game of Thrones, of course, has CGI,
some that are, you know,
like flawless, like a big ice wall. Yeah.
Like it just looks like perhaps that is just what is.
Um, and then there's the dragons and all that stuff.
But a friend of my brother's, um,
Your brother has friends?
Yeah, I know.
You heard it here first.
Yeah, I know. You heard it here first, but he works in CGI and like film, film and TV in particular, but he, he and like the studio that he works for and stuff, focus on special
effects exclusively from like natural origins.
So water, sand, fire, wind, mist.
We did all the sand in the latest Avatar.
But like, yeah, like that is what they do.
Like, and so he worked on like Ghost Rider,
but only on the fire around like his skull or whatever.
And in Game of Thrones in particular,
like there's a C episode in season five or six
of like Game of Thrones original series
where like there's a trail of like moving,
like goods between cities and they get attacked by dragons
and the like calisthenics or whatever.
And all of that fire is done by like this guy in his studio
and it is just amazing.
And it's so good.
Like it's really like, they were so invested in like,
cause I think like the CGI for the most part
in Game of Thrones and you know, part of the HBO of it all
and like, is that they do pay attention to detail and there is no,
and not as much perhaps like corner cutting and stuff.
So like when you see a representation like that and like,
I encourage you to go back and look cause it is really great,
but like that fire hits and it hits hard and like it has impacted.
There's a later scene where like there's the three dragons, like attacking a fleet of boats
in the ocean or whatever.
And like the fire like fucking like splits the boats apart and it's just like amazing.
So like there's all these things that can be done really, really well.
And it's just a shame that it doesn't always happen that way.
But what a cool like niche part of CG to be part of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like that alien Paul in the movie, Paul.
Yeah.
You think that?
What about, um, like-
Paul?
Did you see the Lion King?
No.
No, I'm not seeing any of more of those.
I watched...
Remakes of Disney movies.
I'm not seeing any more Disney movies.
Just never.
I think so.
I think I'm done.
Well, I like...
I mean, obviously, like, this is a deviation from...
Because we're talking about, like, live action with, like, a CG.
That was a live action.
No.
They used real footage of the savanna.
No, but no, they didn't. I thought the whole point of the Lion King was that it action. No. They used real footage of the Savannah. No, but no, they didn't.
I thought the whole point of The Lion King was that it was completely CG.
I thought John Travaux was like, we went to Africa and shot a bunch of plates for this.
I thought it was that like every single thing in the entire film was CGI.
I don't know.
Who fucking cares?
I watched like the first two minutes because I was like, I want to see it to know.
And I was like, who fucking cares. I watched like the first two minutes because I was like, I want to see it to know.
And I was like, I cannot continue.
It was unwatchable.
But what about it?
What else?
Gollum is probably the last thing that we need to discuss
and Dobby perhaps.
Okay. Well, the Dobby discussion, we've done that now.
Great. So Gollum.
I kind of, I mean, obvious.
I haven't gone back and seen what he's looking like nowadays.
Whether he's yeah, a bit odd looking, but like it's fine, but it is kind of good.
I think he's, he, he holds up.
I reckon the CGI in Lord of the Rings still holds up.
It's pretty crazy how good it was for the time.
Yeah.
2001.
That's like the fact that it still is whole, like if you look at other CGI in that time,
yeah, it was, it was like painted over.
Like, you know, you would look like it was like, like the mask.
Actually, I love the mask.
That's good.
I mean, the mask was like, it's kind of kitschy.
They knew how to ignore that.
I feel like it works in the film.
It does work in that film.
Yes.
But like, but like Lord of the Rings, like TGI works.
The thing about Gollum that always kind of like wigged me out is like, obviously
it's quite a feat to have this like CG generated character with motion capture and everything.
But like, what?
Couldn't we just add him in makeup?
I don't think I needed you to be that skeletal.
You're meant to be a hobbit.
That's like, become a monster.
That is Eddie Circus in makeup.
But like, you know what I mean?
I just think it's like, I love Gollum.
Would it have been better or perhaps like a bit more timeless to have not had him as
like a CG avatar?
CGI.
Maybe.
Maybe that performance would be really good with like a really amazing makeup.
And a very skinny individual.
Yeah.
Or like you could have like carved him out a little bit with CG.
Like make his arms like really like sallow and skinny, but like, would it?
I wonder if they did tests.
Or I wonder if it was part of, pardon me, like CG showcase kind of thing.
Like where I wanted to flex.
I think that was part of it.
I mean the whole thing was a fucking wetter, like wet dream.
So like they didn't really need to, but I wonder if they screen test.
I mean, I've seen all of the, it's been a lot of time with those extended versions and
they're many, many, many hours of footage.
I can't remember.
Thanks, Peter.
Yeah.
But I mean, part of what I think the CG in those films, and the vision for those three original films anyway,
was that Peter Jackson's vision for magic on screen
was that it is best not seen on screen.
Absolutely.
And that's why we don't get any fucking,
Carol Danvers sparkles out of Gandalf's staff.
Even the fight between Gandalf stuff, you know, like even the fight
between, um, Gandalf and...
Sauron.
Sauron.
Jim.
Paul.
Was like, they're just like flipping each other around.
Yeah, there's no light bursts or anything.
Yeah.
And the only time that Gandalf does something magical, like a spell.
It's just a burst of white light.
Yeah. That's it.
Which could be as good as just the sun, which is so good.
Yeah.
It looks like the one you think.
Oh, and then that other one.
Yeah. Another one you're talking about.
Oh, that's such a good scene.
Um, Paul and-
When he fights Paul.
When he fights Paul the idiot.
There's Awen's like little like water horses.
Oh yeah.
They're very subtle.
Still.
They're so subtle.
It's just done like so well because it, it begs a question of like, well, if you
can like throw a fireball at someone, just go to mortar and just do it.
But like it just, it adds to the storytelling. So it's just so good.
Anyway, I think the practical effects in a lot of the rings as well, really make up like,
yes, it has to be a marriage.
Yeah.
Cause if you just have CGI, it feels very like you're in a computer game kind of vibe.
Yeah.
Cause then like all the orcs and stuff are like full people in makeup and they're super like slimy and like you can't get that
kind of visceral kind of makeup from CGI, I don't think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, which is what I didn't like in the Hobbit movies.
Oh my god, they're awful.
Because the, the orc, the main orc was CGI.
So shit.
And he was too like, yeah, and he had too many expressions again, you know, like too.
Yes.
Emotive.
Well, it's because like the commercialization
of these franchises destroy them
because that's actually not a character.
Like we don't need that character.
It's not a character.
It like, it just serves no purpose
other than to be our character
so that it could be represented in comics and video games and merchandise.
Like...
And that ruins it!
Because you're fleshing out something that doesn't have a purpose
other than dollars.
Ugh, I just hate it.
It's very transparent.
It's just so obvious, yeah.
But I do love, in Lord of the Rings,
the mouth of Sauron.
Oh yeah, that guy was so funny.
That mouth is so good.
Maybe, well, he's not CG.
And that, yeah, it was.
Was it?
So like, that mouth, like, is,
like they filmed all of the, like, actual mouth stuff,
but just like blew it up.
So like, they kind of green- like actual mouth stuff, but just like blew it up. So like they kind of green screened the mask, like the cutout and then like just
kind of zoomed in and accentuated the actual actors, like teeth and mouth.
It's so good.
Well, maybe that then.
I love it.
The mouth of Sauron.
That's hot.
I think that's a much hotter take than Gollum.
Okay. He can do some of the birthday BJs.
Yeah.
Imagine getting head from the mouth of Sauron.
The birthday BJs.
IOUs, yeah.
The Pope Coupons.
Yeah.
That is so good.
You know, I like the idea.
Give the Gobble Ghost a rest.
Yeah.
And replacing the...
Big mouth.
Yeah.
Replacing the what's it called?
Very pointy teeth though.
What did you say?
Yoda in the Clone Wars with just a mouth.
That's great.
Um, just an honorable mention while we're talking about Lord of the Rings,
I do love the Felbeasts.
They're so good.
The what?
When they cut off the neck.
The Furbies.
What did you say?
The Felbeasts.
Oh, you did say something stupid.
No one knows what the fell beasts are.
The things in the Nazgul ride.
Yeah.
Those like screeching.
Oh, the horse.
No, not the horses.
They like these flying horses.
I just got horses.
Flying horses or walking horses.
I don't need to call them fell beasts.
Oh my God.
Fell beasts.
Mouth of Sarah, that's pretty good.
Okay.
There's a lot of films out there with CGI.
Are we missing anything? I don't need to call them Felbeasts. Oh my god. Um, mouth of sarah, that's pretty good.
Okay.
There's a lot of films out there with CGI.
Are we missing anything?
Probably not.
So many.
I'm trying to think like, oh, I love that CGI body that she gets in, um, ex machina.
Oh yeah, that's good.
I love a robot body, but that's yeah, I don't know.
Yeah. Oh yeah, that's good. I love a robot buddy. But that's yeah, I don't know.
The invisible man.
They're like the Paul Verhoeven version from the 1990s.
Oh yeah.
Where he's like got those bandages and he's really rapey energy.
Oh yeah.
All the invisible men are actually really rapey energy. I don't think we want that in the book.
No.
Much better to have a mouth.
I don't think the mouth of Sauron is a rapist.
I think it's just evil.
There's an important difference there.
He's actually just there to give messages.
Well that's true.
Like he's not really fighting.
He's just telling people what's up.
And you know, don't kill the messenger.
That's actually quite unkind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Mouth of Sauron.
You're getting getting the bunker.
From this day forward, all CGI in the bunker will be Mouth of Sauron.
Portrayed by Mouth of Sauron.
That's good.
As played by Mouth of Sauron.
And I think that since Benjamin Salisbury is no longer-
Benjamin Button.
And we got D.H.
Brad Pitt.
Wow.
Is no longer in the bunker.
I think maybe the mouth of Sauron sometimes plays Brighton.
Baton.
On the nanny set.
Oh Brighton, you're so smart.
Like, ah.
Brighton, you've got to go back to therapy.
Also like the mouth of Sauron has so much like sass.
Yeah.
The way it is like, ah.
Oh, I love it.
Okay.
Okay, lock it in.
Well, we'll be right back.
DTYL.
Mm.
["Dirty Man U-Know"]
And we're back.
I wish my nanny impression was better.
I just don't know how to get that.
It's like reminds me of when Courtney tried to do it for.
It's hard.
Oh, Mr.
Chefy.
Nah, see it's like, where is it?
It's like so impossible.
You actually just need your vocal chords to be a bit more fucked up.
Just rub your vocal cords a bit more.
And then.
Okay.
Our final topic for discussion today is which fashion trend is going into the bunker?
Oh, fashion trends.
Now I think that a fashion trend is really like something you think about
and not necessarily something that you participate in.
So it might be a concept that goes in.
What fashion trends do you participate in?
Um, what?
Like I think we're all, you know, it's like, you know, that Devil Wears Prada monologue.
Oh yeah.
It's like we're all participants, even if we're a bit late.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, I don't know.
I don't want to talk about me.
I want to talk about flares. Okay. Flares. You talk about flares. Yeah. Um, I don't know. I don't want to talk about me. I want to talk about Flair's.
Okay.
Flair's you talk about Flair's.
Okay.
Well, Flair's are hilarious.
Um, like hippie girl.
Yeah.
And Flair's I think like-
Hippie scum girl.
Did you say scum?
Yeah.
Well, I was going to get there because Flair's have such like an interesting history of like
being a style of pants in the seventies or whatever, to then kind of being like,
if you work at KFC and you're in high school,
then you have tattered flares that you sloth about in
at work and socially,
and somehow you still have like a hot, tradie boyfriend
and no one's saying anything about your disgusting flair tights.
And they're like adhered like really closely to your thighs.
Your thighs? Yeah. It's skin tight. Your ankles, they're breezy.
Oh, absolutely. They could take a vacation. No one would notice.
Truly.
Yeah, I like that.
Yeah, I like that too.
Flares, neo flares. Neo flares in ultra cotton.
Yeah.
What do you think about peasant skirts? Ugh.
I love Buffy. I love,
I'm under your spell.
I just sort of rock around, spin around.
Yeah.
In a park.
Yeah.
Bring back peasant skirts, but only for lesbians.
I wonder when it will happen,
because like, oh, blah, blah, blah, old fashioned trends are cyclical.
So it'll come back.
But like, I don't know if the peasant skirt or peasant top is coming back.
Oh honey, it came back.
I don't know.
Did you miss it?
But not like in the same way.
No, but nothing comes back.
You know, like the Y2K aesthetic that's been leeching into the brains of brats around the nation.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
That one's like, when people said, I don't know, people said like a year ago, like, oh,
Y2K is back.
I'm like, honey, it's been back.
Are you kidding?
It's been back for 10 years.
We never left.
We're still parked on Y2K.
People being like, oh, flip phones.
Dada, baby.
Yeah.
Baby.
Baby.
You can't read.
Um, what else?
Hippie core, witchy bitch, country cottage core.
Emo.
Yeah.
Emo, goth.
I do have a lot of respect for the goths and the punks because it's like the way
that it envelops your soul, you know?
Goth is not trashy.
You know, iconic line from season one of Project Runway Canada spoken by Iman.
Say it again.
Goth is not trashy because there was this runway theme.
We had to do like, oh my God, what was it?
It was like two polar opposites. So they did like classy and trashy and like the classy look was like, I don't
know, like a suit jacket and like a slip dress or something.
And then the like trashy look was like this goth girl and what was her name?
She had like big, this is my personality kind of glasses.
What was her name?
It started with a G.
I don't know.
And she was like French Canadian and like trying to defend this like stupid
gothy outfit that she'd made that was disgusting. And her mom was like,
actually goth isn't trashy. It's a legitimate look.
I will walk with this look. No, but I'm glad that you've brought up it.
It's really good. Highly recommend season one. It's brought up it. It's really good.
Highly recommend season one.
It's a legitimate look.
It's a legitimate look.
Hmm.
I wonder if I can get that quote.
Words to live by.
Yeah.
Well, I obviously think, you know, rockabilly, rockabilly chicks.
Jesus Christ.
You know?
I mean, I love a victory curl.
A victory curl.
How about this?
A handkerchief tied in a little bow and hair.
Or a snood.
A snood?
Yeah.
What did you say?
Snood.
Oh my God.
Just about those horses again.
A rockabilly, rockabilly women wearing little like Mary
Janes that have a low heel.
That's crazy.
That's absolutely insane.
What do you think about, um, like retro style?
Does that still exist?
Oh, the way that my throat was held so tightly as it was choked out by
retro style during my entire youth.
Oh yeah.
I bought like a Volkswagen like t-shirt that had like a
combi van on it.
Yeah.
And like the little like red, you know, like ribbing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I fucking lived in that thing.
Mm hmm.
How well?
Well, we were really like, yeah, Indie Sleeves was like our
generation, like coming of age.
Yeah.
Okay.
So this was 16 years ago, but when I tell like, is this not, um, like my personality
is these chunky sunglasses kind of girl?
Wait, I'll show you in a second.
You just are saying things now.
No, you say, um, matches.
Do you have anything to throw into the, um, bonfire of the, of the styles?
I'm not a very, I'm not a very fashionable person.
No.
Like I wouldn't say I have anything I can contribute necessarily.
What have you observed in other people is my question.
What fashions have you seen?
I don't think I've ever looked.
You've never looked at another person.
I've never looked at anyone.
I think you like have been around people that do like knitted hats.
Yeah.
You know?
Bush, bush fashion.
Bush fashion.
Bush fashion.
Hippies.
Hippie style.
Tie dye.
Tie dye.
Oh my God.
I used to wear a lot of tie dye.
I don't like tie dye.
It doesn't look good.
But you know, the issue is the color selection.
Yeah.
The patterns are not wrong.
It's just people.
It's always like very clashy.
You know, it's like orange and purple.
Yeah.
People go crazy.
They just, it's like, stop letting tasteless people do fun home crafts.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
Can I take you on a journey quickly?
Go on.
Can I take you on a...
It doesn't say trashy because really in all honesty,
Garth is no trashy.
Garth is a legitimate look.
That was good.
How good is that?
Garth is not trashy.
Garth is a legitimate look.
Maybe you can do Iman for Snatch Game.
Yeah, maybe.
Why? Is there something wrong with that idea?
Maybe I'll do David Bowie instead.
No one to guide you, I'm running away.
Okay.
Nothing like this little girl in her slack hair.
What are we having for dinner?
Oh, I'm so hungry.
Oh, we're getting Luxor, bitch.
Ooh. Yeah, like no question. I'm so hungry. Oh, we're getting
Okay, yeah, you know what I okay I'm just gonna list off a few of the disgusting things that I used to wear and like you let that wait a vest with a
T-shirt and fedora a baby you were
Yeah, I was in the clutches of that. Yeah.
Were you?
Yeah, I definitely, you know, Matt vest knows vest.
That's how we knew.
I did one night, a Q and A at a bar called Barry,
where I wore a vest and I wore it over my tie-dye T-shirt.
And I remember it to this day
because I was so on the edge about the vest. And I was like, I have to do it just once and I never did it again.
And did you pick up?
No.
No.
And the Q&A was just so...
Oh, sorry.
Q&A was a...
An event.
A club night, all of a Thursday night, standing for queer and alternative.
And the vest was queer and the tie dye was alternative.
Yeah, I really embodied both parts of that.
Yeah.
And later got called IQ.
Yes, I remember IQ.
Standing for indie queer.
Yeah.
God help us all.
I went to IQ one night, only one time.
Really?
Yeah, cause I was only, like I really only
was cresting the wave when that was happening.
Yeah. I used to get a Q and A like every Thursday with like David and Miles.
And I definitely wore a wolf t-shirt.
Oh.
A graphic image of a wolf.
Howling at the moon.
From like a $2 shop.
That's very David.
Yeah, I like Op Shop. Op Shop is kind of like pretty eclectic,
but it's always like those graphic t-shirts and like,
you know, kind of like faded things.
Yeah.
Mmm.
A bit of like costume thrown into the mix.
Mmm.
I think whatever style, it's got to be kind of a little bit artsy.
What about a drop waist from the 20s?
Some styles are just so tired.
All women look so fabulous with a drop waist.
I think it is quite chic when you see a gal that can pull it off.
That's rare, but that's good.
But yeah, a drop waist is not for people.
You know?
No, it's awful.
Unless you're like statuesque.
I love a gal that like wears pajama pants, like silk pajama pants, but like as her regular
pants.
That's so cool.
That's very in at the moment.
Like wearing ugly things.
I just think that that's so chic.
If you're hot and you dress ugly, that's I mean, I am jealous.
I just think I mean, John Waters said it best.
He was like, the reason I dress well is because I'm an old man.
If I was young and hot again, I wouldn't dress.
I dress for like shit because it's chic to be hot and young and
dress like ugly and crazy.
Yeah.
You only need to dress well when you're old and decrepit like me, John Waters.
And I was like, that's the tea.
Like at a certain point you get invested and interested in fashion
Just to kind of patch over where you know life is failing you. Yeah, I like that
Like RuPaul just always wearing suits so chic. Yeah
So does that mean that you think you're hot? Oh
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
How dare you after all I've been through.
I can't even see you.
And that I've never been so grateful for my character.
Cone is betrayal.
No, I do think it's, I think I am now, it's time.
To what?
To like just start wearing suits full time. No, I can't wait.
I love your fashion sense.
The, when I enter into my new life, when I get interviewed by Variety or something,
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to like, that's going to be the line in the sand.
And I'll just start being like, okay, I'm just going to always wear, I'm going to pick
a uniform and wear that forever. Oh my God. No, being like, okay, I'm just going to always wear, I'm going to pick a uniform and wear that forever.
Oh my God.
No, I like, no.
At the moment I would call my, my style.
Um, I just got robbed and these are all the clothes that they left behind.
I mean, that is really the nail on the head, but it's in a chic way.
I just got robbed and everything got paint thrown on it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Weirdly, I guess the robbers were covered in paint.
Yeah.
Because now all my things are.
Oh my God, there was a man that broke into the friend of a friend's house.
They just bought a unit in, I can't say, one that is going to ruin anything for you now.
And they...
It's all stolen.
This man broke into the house and he was a pyromaniac and he lit their house on fire and stole all her like
underwear and then wrote like crazy things on the walls. What the fuck? Yeah. And like lay in their
bed huffing her underwear before they burned out the entire house. How do you know that detail?
Well, cause they found like- Forensic evidence?
Yeah. The body was here. Yeah. Huffing. How do you know that detail? Well, cause they found like... Forensic evidence?
Yeah.
The body was here.
Yeah.
Puffin.
Yeah.
Maybe he wrote it on the wall.
Oh yes.
Comfy bed.
Yeah.
Thanks for the bed and your undies.
Ew.
Yeah.
That has just reminded me.
So I've been at a work conference all week and very luscious.
The pictures conference.
Yeah, it's very that.
But very appreciative to be put up in like a very lush hotel for the duration of such
events.
And I had a very nice room.
That was great.
But you know the rooms that are connected and there's like a door?
Yeah.
That freaks me out.
Was yours connected?
To something, because it's not like the,
my entering the hotel room door.
There's just another door and there's no way
to like manually like lock it.
Like I tested it.
Did you put furniture in front of it?
No, but maybe I should have.
Someone came in in the middle of the night
where you were asleep.
All, this is probably why I woke up a thousand times both nights that I was
sleeping there because there's just a door and it was almost opposite the bed.
And it's like, who was on the other side of that door?
That is so scary.
And they would just come in and look. Yeah. Just watch you.
Like a fucking demon.
That's not a fashion trend I can get behind.
Not really a fashion trend at all.
In fact, I don't know why I brought it up.
Some parts of America.
What else?
Yeah, listen, I think like the 60s, the 90s, I don't know.
I don't know what I want for our bunkerlings.
Like I don't know what piece of fashion, but to be honest,
if I'm being honest with you, and I think I should be honest,
I think your vivid description of like, neo flares, it's like that vibe, like Bogan core. Yes.
Bogan core KFC
twee.
It like, because you know, the like,
it's the kind of thing that happens where like,
it's so imprinted with like mud and grime
and like these holes and stuff.
This is all at like the heel of the flare.
Yeah.
That like, even when it comes out of the washing machine, it's still disgusting.
Yeah.
It can't be cleaned.
It's been matted in.
Yeah.
But that's because she's got to be like, she's wearing like a New Balance sneaker.
Yes.
Maybe not that trendy, but like a New Balance sneaker and then like a Roxy jumper.
Yes.
And like barely squeezes over her massive
tits. Of course. And then like a fabulous like T-shirt, T-shirt
that's like billabong. Yeah. I'm into that woman. She's got like
she doesn't really take off her mascara. She just puts more on
the next day. Can I tell you though, like, if you are gay in
Australia and grew up Bogan,
you idolize that woman and that will never stop.
That is what we're talking about.
But literally, I'm just like,
if you're listening to this and you don't understand,
it's because you didn't fill in those prerequisites.
But if you grew up under those circumstances
in this time period,
that woman's still like,
takes your breath away slightly.
Just cause it's like so chic.
Yeah. And like the modern day version of that,
I do see out in the world.
And I still think I know you.
I know you.
I've known you. I'll find you in every lifetime.
It's very bad. It is.
And I'm so glad that that's consistent.
Yes.
Well, that's it.
Times may change, but that woman, that style, that trend, if you will, lives on.
Oh my God.
Including in the bunker, I feel.
I think that that's it.
And Courtney will look so good in that.
Because some things I hate, like tucking in one side of a shirt and having the other side
untucked.
Oh, thanks, Tan France.
Truly.
Like, that.
Like, oh, congratulations.
You've styled the outfit.
When people say that, like, they're actually-
Dressed versus styled.
Shut the fuck up.
Put the rags on your fucking meat skeleton and call it a day. I like when things like that come up on my socials of like some fucking hot asshole,
like putting on clothes next to each other and it's like the dressed versus styled.
Like I'd rather.
I'd rather.
But it goes also the way that you're wearing it makes me think like, how are you moving
through the world that you can't lift up your arms with that?
God forbid you pull out that sweater you've stupidly tucked in and then rolled back over.
Like you look crazy, sir.
At what point did jumpers become something that got tucked in?
I don't know.
And you know what?
It's impossible.
The jumper goes on top.
That is the point.
It's a top.
It's meant to jump over your body.
I don't know. I mean, like sometimes that's fun, but.
I also just don't think men should have fashion.
Like I think leave it to the people that are perfecting it.
Men don't need it.
Yeah.
I just, yeah.
What do you think about like, um, like kind of like a Bolero top, just as a
side note, like big city chic.
Yeah.
Like that kind of thing.
Or just like a mini cardigan that is just for like an arm covering,
maybe like a, at an event.
I hear about this a lot because I, you know, from like my fat gals, they're like, why is
everyone insisting on like every bit of fat fashion is like, you have to cover your arms.
Oh my God.
How dare you show your arms?
Yeah.
Like, and so boleros are kind of part of that genre of like, oh, and here's your dress and
here's the bolero that goes over so no one will ever see that you have arms or like, here's the little keyhole
cut away just so we can see that you have flesh.
So we know you are human, but then we'll make sure to cover up 98% of your body.
That's what I think when I think Bolero.
I think the same thing.
And I think we should burn the Bolero.
Oh, well, the other thing that I think about is that, um,
Ashtaka from Princess Mononoke kind of is wearing a Bolero.
From Big City Chic?
I don't think.
Sorry, I know it's City Chic and that was a mistake.
It changed.
But I know, but I think Big City Chic is so cool.
I think, I don't see a problem with big city chic.
I just think like big city chic.
You're in the big city.
It sounds better than city chic.
City chic?
Cause what size is it?
It's big.
Big city.
Yeah.
And you're in the big city.
We are.
But look at this Bolero.
You know?
Oh yeah.
I like that.
People who have seen Princess Mononoke and know what I'm Princess Mononoke know what I'm talking about,
you know what I'm talking about.
My boyfriend is going into a real capes phase.
Capes!
I fucking love capes. Go on.
He was watching one of these, like there's a show called Thousand Air, it's a web show,
by Dropout. And it's like all the friends get a thousand dollars to, to do
something for the whole group of friends.
And whoever does the most impressive thing is the winner.
And there's a woman who spent it all on fabric and made everyone in the
cast and crew capes, like attuned to their personality and then sang a song
while they all modeled the capes.
It was like this beautiful piece for spring.
And then ever since then, Kodjian has been like, I just, I really like capes.
And then he's like, I think I want to wear a cape to Nick's wedding, like a little half
cape that goes off to the side.
Like lightning from Final Fantasy XIII.
And he's like, can I, can you help me find cape?
Oh.
I'm like, I don't know that, I think that, that'll be like, um, you know, a cape in drag
is one thing, but a cape just on a man out in the world, it starts to become a very different
thing. I think that's fabulous.
Yeah.
I, you know, I, there's two pieces of fashion that will keep me doing drag for the rest of days.
One is gloves and one is capes.
Yeah.
So I'm behind that.
Yeah.
An outfit that doesn't have gloves or capes, I don't know why you're doing it.
But I've never seen you wear a gape, a gape.
I've never seen you gape in public. I've never seen you, like you didn't go to conferences here with a gape.
No, I didn't go in drag.
Yeah.
Exactly.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, well, you know, I think there's something.
Maybe I should wear a gape to the next conference and see how it lands.
There's just something a little bit odd about a man in a cape and gloves.
I love both of those things.
But you've never worn, I've never seen you...
Well, this is what I was just going to say as a final note, is that I bought years ago,
like maybe eight years ago, this like black cape that is kind of like,
like a black trench coat, except it's a cape.
It's not as long.
It's like probably like mid length, like down to my hips.
Yeah.
And-
Did your husband bring it back from war?
Cause I could tell you anything about what that cape.
Oh, it might have a dark past.
If this couldn't get any darker.
It might have a dark past. If this couldn't get any darker.
But I have it in my house and lazy you've never seen me wear such a garment.
Have you?
No.
You just wear it when you're fighting crime.
But my point is that I bought it.
Secret vigilante.
And I have never worn it, but I would love to wear it.
Gotham needs you, darling.
It's really cool.
Wear it to the next trivia night.
Oh, don't rub it in.
And it even has little arm holes so I could like poke my arms out.
You know what? I think I maybe did wear it once.
I bought in Sydney some,
I don't know why, but I went to like Max Mara. I don't know why.
I don't know what I was even doing in here.
Like with what budget am I buying things from Max Mara? Like anyway, but I did. I bought
these like quarter length leather gloves from Max Mara, which was so stupid because yes, they fit on my arms, but they're women's gloves.
So like I was webbed fingered when I wore them and I had to throw them out after
the fucking flooding at Carlton because they got moldy.
Even though they weren't in the water's way, there was too much water in the air.
Anyway, but I had these gloves for years and I think I maybe wore them with the cape out once.
You wore it out of the house?
I have a memory of wearing the two together.
It might have been in drag.
I think I've worn that cape maybe once or twice in drag, but it's not really draggy.
Like it's not, it's a bit pedestrian for drag, but at which point, where does that garment
fit in the world?
Like what is its place?
I guess you do.
I suppose on a woman, like a woman could wear that.
Yeah.
Like a woman in a cape.
That's incredible.
I know.
One of the OGs, she went into the forest to visit her granny.
I love that.
I have a Red Riding Hood cape, which you've also probably never seen me wear
because why do I own that?
It's really good.
They're my secret little life.
seen me wear because why do I own that?
It's really good. They're my secret little life.
I just put them on while I do the cleaning and the dishes just to feel the cape.
Capes are so good.
So you know what?
Kurtz can just borrow one of my capes.
I got plenty.
I have that like chartreuse one.
You know that one.
That's so good.
A chartreuse cape.
I think he needs something that's going to sit over his suit.
Yeah, and just like a half.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like a cape or just a half.
So we need something in a matching fabric.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see it.
And then it can sit tucked under the lapel as well.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
That's cute.
I wonder.
Oh, yeah, I don't know.
I've got it now.
I mean, like, listen, we will sort this out for husband.
We're going to find, find him a cape.
I just like, I need to make sure we don't learn like the word for who the
fuck is that faggot in Italian.
Oh yeah.
Cause you'll be hearing it all over town.
Oh, grazie mille.
Yeah.
You come back and the only word in Italian you know is cape.
Okay.
No, but also I'm going to be in full drag. I don't know.
Like, this is the thing.
It's just that like, there is a line.
Drag queen and his caped husband.
Yes!
Oh, you just.
That's your life.
That's you.
I know.
Yeah.
It's like, it's like a bomb exploded in my life and it was just
filled with gay things, gay shrapnel.
That I think that is how people would describe it.
I saw someone on Twitter, TikTok.
I don't know.
Being like, it's never been better time to be a gay white man.
Because if you are white, you have like the ease to
move through culture, um, easily. And then if anyone calls you out for being a racist
white person, you just say, I'm gay. And I was like, and then she's like, and if you
ever don't want to be gay, you just pretend not to be. And I was like, this is so dark,
but also I just don't think I could pretend not to be.
I don't think you could pretend.
Oh, you know what?
We do that.
Like, well, you do it better than I do that.
Like straight boy.
Sometimes I just, there would be no way of putting Jeannie back in the bottle.
Yeah.
Well, not permanently.
No, that's, I'm just, there was never an option.
Sometimes I have to code switch at work and everyone laughs at me afterwards.
Who are you talking to?
Trades.
They're just like, I can't deal with it.
So I just, you know, like, hey mate, that's good.
You know what the worst part is?
The people that are most finally attuned to whether someone's gay or not are straight
men.
Yeah.
Straight men have better gay dads than anyone else in culture.
I think.
Other gay men, women, straight men, no.
So even when you're like, because they spend their life so hyper aware of what masculinity is,
like men that, sorry Matt, not you men that perform
Heterosexuality in the way that's like, all right, mate, let's go get a breaker or whatever they do
You know Chucky milk, oh, it's gonna say yeah, like sorry farmers union
That's the one that tradies drink breakers
Yeah. That's the one that tradies drink.
I don't know.
Anyway, but the point being, those are the people that know before you that you're gay.
Yes.
Because how else do they know what to yell?
Yes.
Cape!
And they're the men that know even if you're code switching, even if you're,
there's not a gay in a thousand miles and you're at a country pub and you're
masking it up, they can fucking smell it because they spend their life
performing straightness. So if you miss a fucking beat, it's like an
Australian can hear if you're doing a fake Australian accent. It's like we
know because I've committed my entire life to this performance
and you think you can just come in here and saunter in
and pick it up in a day?
Yeah.
The fucking, the mannerisms?
Yeah.
No, darling.
You could never.
Can I tell you another quick story?
The other day I was coming home from the city on the tram
and it was like maybe like 10 o'clock.
So like there weren't many people at night. There's not the city on the tram and it was like maybe like 10 o'clock. So like there weren't many people at night.
There's not many people in the tram and I'm sitting like facing forward.
Where's the cape at this point?
The gloves are often on your lap.
So you can take was on the front.
He's doing something underneath.
Just twiddling your thumbs or whatever.
Wow. What you do.
Anyway, I'm sitting facing forward and then up ahead to the right, there's like this hot,
very hot guy sitting but like facing inside the tram.
Driving.
What?
He was not driving the tram.
No.
I think a woman was driving, which I love when that happens. Anyway, that's so good.
Anyway. So I'm sitting and I'm looking forward. So I can see this guy in like, in my like actual
vision if I look right, but then I can also see him in the window. In the reflection.
If I look left. Yes. Which like, I'm not like-
Into your very own upside down. Yes, very bad.
Anyway, as we're like riding along,
like just the two of us on our journey together.
And you're going clang clang clang with the trolley.
He is on the phone.
Like, I presume to a very attractive woman.
Probably in like a little neo-flare.
Yes, like that's the vibe.
Yes.
But he was, I think he was Greek maybe.
I dunno.
I couldn't pick the language.
I was like, obviously like at this point I'd like muted my music, but kept my
headphones in because I needed to know what was happening.
Also, I was like, are we in love?
In love.
So like I had to be aware of what was going on.
Cause by like halfway through the ride,
it was just us in the front section of the tram.
So it was just us.
And I was-
Practically engaged.
Yes. But I was wearing like a colorful knitted jumper.
So like he knew I was gay,
but like he would have known anyway, as per this discussion.
But I was like, maybe like he would have known anyway, as per this discussion.
But I was like, maybe, maybe he's gay
because he was very handsome
and like had perfect skin kind of vibe.
I was like, maybe you're gay or maybe you're just that.
And I was like, I like had a few moments
of like glancing over to like, you know,
I've seen that you are here kind of thing.
Just in case, so he knows that either that, you know, um, he didn't do that to
me, which is the first sign.
And then when I got off the tram, sadly, I got a first, I was like the whole time
you obviously like, what if we get off at the same stop?
Then what happens?
What now?
There we go.
Oh, but when I got off and this was like the nail in the, he was straight.
Like I got off. The nail in the straight coffin. Yeah. And was like looking back at the tram
to see him. Like obviously he would look at me forlorn like, Oh no, you got off. And now
we've missed our chance to become. Yeah. And he didn't look at me. Like he just stayed looking at, I don't know, the floor.
So like he was straight. He's either obsessed with me or he's straight. No, well, no, but I mean,
even because if he was gay, he would still look. Clock the T mama. Oh yeah. Like an either like
a evil, like judgmental thing of like, well now I'm the only gay on the tram or something.
Cause everything's a competition or like now you're a gay in the street.
Like there'd be some look.
So like, but where's a straight person just like, they don't know you're existing.
No, he like, that was the thing.
Like that ghost on the spirit of the way train.
Yes.
So anyway, what?
I don't know why I told that story, but that happened.
Yeah.
I remember once I went on a date with a guy and I wore a poncho to the date in a mango
color.
That was a choice.
Mango.
Yeah.
I've got a few ponchos.
And he was not interested.
And I don't think it was the poncho's fault, but it definitely didn't help. I don't think it helped. No. I think that was a big part of my high school fashion few ponchos. And he was not interested. And I don't think it was the ponchos fault, but it definitely didn't help.
I don't think it helped.
No, I think that was a big part of my high school fashion.
Ponchos.
Yeah.
Should we all wear ponchos at the next recording?
I love ponchos.
They're the capes of the front.
It's like, imagine if capes went all the way around.
All the way around.
Yeah.
Matt, stop using your clothes to do things.
If you just want to jerk off, you can.
You are in a separate room.
You can't.
I found that really funny.
Just the idea of just doing something under a blanket in public.
But you're just like doing something really innocent.
But like someone thinks you're doing something weird.
Like you're playing with a Tamagotchi.
Everyone thinks you're beaten off.
Okay.
Everyone needs to calm down.
I need Lux that I have this conversation.
Okay. Everyone needs to calm down. I need Luxa to have this conversation. Okay.
We're putting in Neo Flares with stomped bottoms.
And a fabulous Big W specialty.
Yeah.
Like a Roxy shirt.
Oh yeah.
That's good.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
Style.
That's the style.
And Gwyneth will look good.
Gwyneth will be pissed.
But as I said at the start, is it the idea of that?
It's like that's the fashion trend and everyone's aspiring towards it.
And Sabrina's like, we're out of the flares at the reject shop.
Sorry, babe.
Yeah, they're different.
I think that's it.
Not everyone follows the trend in the bunker, but it is what's on fashion.
Yeah, that's aspirational.
Yeah.
So some people have it. Yeah, some people follow it Courtney
Yeah, some people are just wearing Hessian sacks. Yeah. Well, you know the alpaca wool
Bayonetta's outfit is obviously made of her hair. So if she wanted flares she could have them
She would pull it off to oh, yeah, she's kind of got that Julia Fox
No off to. Oh yeah. She's kind of got that Julia Fox issue. Do we have a fabric in there now? No, we'll have to revisit that. We took out all fabric. We took out all fabric. It's too much to
think about. Yeah. Like this, this topic's too broad. We really should have done like 1964 fashion
trend. Beehives. Every year. Yeah. Cause I kept wanting to fix history. We're gay, Matt. That's
something we could do. Now you're gay in the street. Now I own the tram, you know? What about 4000, 4000 BC fashion?
I wish we knew.
Well, next week.
I would just like to say.
You can.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for listening, listener.
In the bunker this week, we have those disgusting flares
as the fashion trend.
Neo flares.
We have the CGI mouth of Sauron.
Mouth of Sauron. Ooh, that's good. What was the first thing? Flowers.
What flower? Ah, the Rafflesia. Yeah.
The big ugly one. Don't fall in. Don't get your flared trodden in.
Can we place it? I think it should be placed kind of-
I think there's heaps of them. Oh, okay.
You know, they're just the thing that grows. Oh, I like that. Oh, great.
So, you know, like you're walking down a weird alley
and there's a dripping pipe
and then beneath that has sprung up a Rafflesia.
Yeah.
Wonder if bees and mosquitoes like that, probably.
They'd love it.
Yeah.
And you know, they get eaten.
That's good.
What insect have we got?
We've got bees and mosquitoes.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah. True.
Oh, please.
Sorry, I didn't keep up with that. And those giant metapod things. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, true. Oh, please. Sorry, I didn't keep up with that. Those giant metapod things.
Oh yeah, that's good.
Anyway.
Okay, thank you all for listening.
We'll see you all in hell.
Goodbye.
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Remember. I can hear the children laughing.
I can hear the children laughing.
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