Death To Everyone - Death To… T-Swift’s Exes, TikTok Voice Overs & Under The Bed

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Kick back and relax! This week we discuss three very important topics. Which TikTok voice over do you want to survive the end of times? But more importantly what ‘thing under the bed’ will get in? AND Most importantly, which one of Taylor Swift’s ex boyfriends will be welcomed into the bunker? Follow us, won't you? ⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com/ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103/

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Hello listeners. Hello.

Sulang Yor to you all. My name is Lazy Susan. Hello. My name is Zelda Moon. And you're once again joining us for the incredible, impeccable and astounding talents of two podcasters on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Yes, correct. This is Death to Everyone.

Especially you. Jada, what is this show about? Well, you know what, we pick apart some very important topics. We have a doomsday bunker because, of course, it's the end of the world. And we're filling that bunker to the absolute brim, up to pussy's bow, with incredible things that we find funny. I think that this week is a great week

to be talking about the end of the world because it does feel particularly apocalyptic. It's quite curled. Yes. Miserable out there. And the US presidential debate just took place yes mother did you watch any of i've seen like seen clips yeah and i am so over it to be honest i am so mad at the democratic party for not fucking pulling it's just like like i think that they make it out like trump is this

unstoppable force of nature because he's a man with charisma listen i don't think trump is a good person but i think it's undeniable that that is a man with charisma and the democrats literally the democrats literally couldn't find a single person with charisma to try and be the president yeah so instead we've just been staring down the fucking soggy crusket for the last four years yes i just i can't it's so disappointing me. When you think about how many people will have their entire lives resting on these decisions, for these two huge political parties meant to represent the citizens of their country and the world's superpower, to entrust it to these two fucking men men it really does just point to the failure of white men yes old white men old it's haunting like the the clips that i've seen from the debate are like it's like a parody it's so and it just admit admit that you're too old bow out yes because if you die god forbid before

the fucking or midterm it's going to be the like the the ruth bader ginsburg issue all over again because had she resigned before obama left office we wouldn't have now an additional conservative supreme court justice but because she decided to wait now we have three motherfuckers up in there destroying our lives it's just really disappointing so just step aside and get someone with some fucking charisma for fucking once in your life. For once in my life. Do you know what's so funny to me, though? None of these men would be able to live a single day as a former Disney child star female actress.

Because they could not withstand the scrutiny these men get by being just the fucking biggest pieces of shit the most mundane the most like uninspiring people and imagine if they for a second had to bear the scrutiny of being like, you have to look a certain way, act a certain way, and never be weird. Yeah, I mean, it is curious that like, I mean, yeah, like Disney Channel is your lens, but like K-pop groups would be my lens. It's like the intensive training that both parties go through to be social media trained, to be picture perfect, so guarded, so restricted restricted with the illusion of being

completely carefree and the opposite all that stuff yeah it's like how do yeah how do politicians not go through you know like k-pop you know k-pop training camp yeah yeah because we apply so much more scrutiny to these people yeah these like celebrities to the T-Swifts and the iCarlys of the world, to similarly famous women, that it's bizarre to me that we can just have two kind of flops. Did you love it when they talked about golf? That was just insane. It's insane. It's insane. It's insane. It's insane.

I wish that they were talking about paintball. Immediately a more interesting conversation. Or laser tag. Yeah. Matt, what do you think about those two buffoons? Me? Don't get me started. Okay.

No, I don't think either of them should be in office. It's terrible. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with both of you. Yeah. It's just, it is, it's a bit depressing. It is.

And it just, it points to, because Trump is going to happen. Like Trump, he's not going win but oh god maybe actually after that after that that's so depressing um something like trump was going to happen just because of the groundswell the tea party movement like everything was leading towards a super charismatic populist evil man stepping in and if it wasn't trump it was going to be someone else i 100 believe that because u.s democracy has been taking us there ever since we started voting for who wins american idol in the year 2000 but ever since it became a reality tv show instead of yeah a fucking political race but just the the willful ignorance by the democratic party to try and find something compelling and interesting and someone who could actually shake the boat in like the way that Trump is shaking the

boat in the opposite direction. Because yeah, when Bernie was up and like, I think Bernie is too old to have done it as well. But when someone with that ethos is up, who was actively appealing to younger voters, was actively proposing things that would be vast sweeping changes to the way that America works instead of these like mealy mouth promises that don't actually do shit that are happening in the current democratic party it's like honey you need to you need to lean a bit more extreme because you're

fighting an extremist you can't just stay like in this traditional like like little log cabin you built all those years ago. Yeah, because you have nothing radical or interesting to say. No, push it out. Push it out. Push out that Overton window and make us all crazy. Well, I've been watching Yellow Jackets. Ooh, and it's so fun. You like it?

I do like it. So I didn't watch it as it came out. And I've just like binge watched it all in the last week or so. I'm halfway through season two. I like it. I love Christina Ricci. She is so beautiful. What a face. Oh, I love it. I love Christina Ricci. She is so beautiful. What a face.

Oh, I love it. And I also think that eating people is so interesting. Spoiler alert. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So if you haven't seen Yellow Jackets, it's about like a plane crash full of like young soccer players

from the same high school in the 90s. And then the series follows when they crash and what happens for the year and a half that they're left alone in the wilderness. And then it cuts to them as adults being fucked up from their life experiences. Dual narrative. Yeah.

I struggle. I mean, I think I would be satisfied to watch it in the way that you just have, because I hate, I grew up in a time of lost. Yes. I hate mystery shows because I'm like, just tell me, do you know what?

I don't want every episode. Do you know what I mean? It's like the 12 episodes of like, and you would get drip fed another detail i'm like you are stretching it out and i don't really care oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um but if you could watch it all really quickly and be like okay great yeah you keep it moving yeah um i have it has really cemented in me what i like and dislike in uh shows and i don't like um because there's like many different storylines with all these different characters but one of them spoiler alert is that like this

woman accidentally kills someone in the modern day who is like not related to anything at all but she thought that he was and then they like cover up the murder and now it's like all playing out like the investigation and like i just hate that i hate the suspense of like will they catch her and did they cover their tracks and all that stuff. And it reminds me of, what is the show with Christina Hendricks in it? Oh, Bad Girls. Bad Girls. Bad Girls Club.

Yeah. No, just Bad Girls. It reminds me of that show. Cause that whole show is like crime, but did never think. Do crime properly. Yeah.

Yeah. And I loved that show. Like that has a great cast and everything, but I would be so stressed watching it. And now whenever this story comes up, it's like, you know, when you're watching Game of Thrones and these like, you know, you get the like, oh, you know, this episode's focusing on this character

and this character. When it gets to the murder gal in Yellow Jackets, I was like, oh, hurry up. It's just too stressful. You've been through too much. Oh, I'm like, take me back to just eating the frozen girl. That's great. I can handle that.

Take me to the witchcraft place. That's cool. But like, oh, what if she does get arrested? What are you going to do then? Well, then. Probably keep watching. Yeah. See what happens.

Do you know, I think that a show that I really respect for doing this very well was Search Party, which is the best. Yes. But Alia Shawkat from Arrested Development at the start of season one sees a poster of this girl she went to university with who's gone missing. And she decides to find her and make it her life's calling because she's a wash, a sea in life. She doesn't know what to do with her life because she's kind of having that millennial midlife crisis moment. And without saying too much, I think that the show does a really good job of not spending too long on these overarching mysteries and like making something satisfying like it really quickly burns past the point of where you think like what what you think was going to be a whole season

of mystery gets answered really quickly and then they set up a new mystery so it's like it continually pushes past what could be like a whole season of television really quickly and then they set up a new mystery so it's like it continually pushes past what could be like a whole season of television really quickly and doesn't ever let the grass grow under its feet i love that yeah that's cool have you seen i saw in social media this weekend that sarah michelle galler is in the new dexter show yeah what does that mean i don't know okay i just wish i just what are we doing with sarah michelle yeah and what are we doing with Sarah Michelle? Yeah. And what are we doing with Dexter? Why is that back? I don't know.

They've been trying to reboot that for a while. Yeah. Yeah, but is that, is it, like, I thought once they've got, like, the blood in the DVD packet, that's where, that's the peak. And then it's over. We're done now. Yeah. But then here we are with Sarah Michelle getting cast in something. I don't understand. SMG.

I can't follow it up either. Yeah. Okay. Well, I was hoping you would know, but. No, no, no. I don't really know much about the Dexterverse because I never watched it. No. Well, that's just fine.

And how are you? I'm good. What am I doing? I have a headache. I've had this headache for two days. And if it turns out to be a brain tumor guys guys it's just like this show is probably gonna be like really listened to because i like maybe posthumously like or you'll hear my like steady decline and then um

like on the last episode that i appear on, we'll do like which. A vigil. Yeah, which me gets into the bunker. Which funeral song. Yeah. And then that'll be it. And then maybe you'll keep going for a few episodes. Maybe.

Just to tell the story. Pray for her. He would have loved this. He would have said, I like that. Yeah. And it's just exclusively like a five-part series on different X-Men groups. This one's on X-Factor. Which X-Factor member gets in?

This one's on X-Force. Which X-Force character gets in? And then I'll say, Lazy would have said Wolverine. I would have You can do both parts I can do both parts Hello, my name's Lazy Susan That good?

That wasn't me talking with her No That was Zelda That's a little trick Oh, you're searching your pockets for something Yes, I was looking for a ring to wear. So you would back off. Whoa.

I'm married. Oh my God. Yes. So anyway, I'm very good. Thank you for asking. Yeah. We are just trying to get through the Melbourne winter. I know I keep bringing this up, but we are now on the other side of the solstice.

The solstice which is fabulous i'm so excited to now just be living life luxuriously every day all things just keep getting better but we went to cheaper by miles the other day yes we did. Explain. Zelda had not been, and we took her one day. For an express visit, which I found quite overwhelming. Yes. Because you know that that shop is going to be busy, presumably. Yeah. And also it's very cavernous, so you could restructure it at any point in time with minimal effort.

But there didn't appear to be enough space allocated for the line no so that was what i noticed the first time that the line just fucking trailed through the entire store how else that's stressful what if i want to shop beyond the line yes yeah well that's it so we left this store called cheaperaper By Miles is where, if you've heard of NQR, not quite right, we have a store that is company tried but then didn't proceed with like like macadamia and jasmine flower twisties or whatever yeah then there'll be like a whole palette of them and they'll be so ludicrously cheap oh it's fantastic yeah um so we went back in it's in footscray the current one i haven't been to the north side one yet north side they just opened one in the north side it's fabulous scorched peanut brittle bars that was okay no you say i got one of those at a friend's house

recently when they opened up their snack tub and there was a scorched peanut. And I was like, you know, you can get these for a dollar cheaper by miles at the moment. She was like, that's where I got it, bitch. And it was fabulous. Yeah. Anyway, so we go into cheaper by miles just to, you know, now this time I'm actually going to purchase some things because I'd taken Zelda and she hadn't bought anything last time.

It was too much. And I thought she needs to learn. You because I'd taken Zelda and she hadn't bought anything last time. It was too much. And I thought, she needs to learn. You need to show her how to buy things. And so I walked in and I was like, okay. And then when we get in to the store, there are two children of about, I don't know, a meter tall. I'd say one was four and one was six.

I've been describing them as eight. I can't tell how old kids are. Not eight. They were on scooters. Yeah. You just talk about kids in terms of length. Yes. Oh, you're a meter if you're a yard.

Like a fish. Yes. Well, four, that's young. Anyway, two kids on scooters and the dad, or as Zelda alleges, the grandfather, but he's definitely the dad, was standing nearby, perusing a shelf, not looking at his spawn, who were in the way on their scooters. And so I leant down to this one meter high child. And I said, darling, could you just move out of my way there? Darling?

And she was like, you know. You know kids who have, speaking of no charisma, no charisma. Yeah. It's like, little kid, get the fuck out the way. Yeah. You are literally in the way. No one can enter the store. So why are you on a scooter?

Learn your lesson, darling Fold it up I know it does that And then carry it And I think the scooter's wheels lit up when it rode I was quite jealous of that Anyway, so we now continue our shop After the very first obstacle The very first disappointment from the day

Yeah And these kids start scooting around the store yeah at speed yeah this crowded store with pellets of uh you know indian tonic water in glass bottles would be a whole palette of that Japanese curry mix. Yes. Blocks. That's right. Yep.

You know, Korean face masks that fell off the back of a truck. Yes. You don't want one of those avalanching on top of you. You'll be dead but hydrated. And they're scooting around and dad, or old man dad, Joe Biden, is still just shopping. Everyone's just looking, looking and pretending. Everyone's looking at the children except for him.

Yeah. And I'm like, I guess you're also tired of their complete lack of riz. Then after shopping, I got a gorgeous packet rice that had like a Massaman curry flavor. It was terrible. And what a Scotch peanut brittle bar. Yeah, we got those. And some like rolled toast tata style corn chips. We got two different flavors.

They were bad. Both bad. Yeah. But I ate them all So I'm a good boy I'm a good child Anyway We get into line

And as Zelda previously said The line ventures back into the store On this occasion again So it's like running parallel to the suites Yes And people often want to get to the suites Because currently at Cheaper by Miles you can get Tony's Chocolonely for $3,

which is much less than its regular $7 to $8. Yeah. And it's the chocolate and pretzel flavor. So good. So a lot of people were cutting in the line just to get there and getting out. Yeah, you get in and then you get out. Yeah, when old man River comes up with his two little jackals,

he cuts into the line to go in front of the woman in front of us to go to the chocolate. But then he stops. And he looks at us and to the woman and he says, So, oh, oh, the line starts back there. Pointing to behind us because that is in fact where the line starts. And behind us, there was already another person. We weren't even at the back of the line at this point. It continued to grow.

And then the woman in front of us is like, yeah. And we're like, yeah, it starts back there. That's where the line begins. For you to join the line, you have to start at that point. Yeah. And then, listener, would you believe? He just stops. He doesn't say another thing.

Looks off into a different direction, a corner of the room, and just stands there. Yeah. He's now in the line. He's just double-checked that he's, in fact, cutting the line. And now he knows he's not moving. Five minutes go by. Just standing there. We are looking at each other and looking around like, is everyone thinking the same thing we are?

Are you all seeing this? Are you all just seeing this? And then it like hits this simmering point i didn't think you were going to say anything but then i was like so are you going to go back to the end of the line and it was out of nowhere so it had been silent we'd all just gone about our lives and then it just was like sir it was infuriating it was crazy it was fucking crazy i've never had a headache at this point no but maybe this was the origin story yeah but then he looks at me and he's like oh i was behind you guys right like that's where i would have joined the line had i joined five minutes ago

and we're like yes and he's like but you see now there's all these other I would have joined the line had I joined five minutes ago. And we were like, yes. And he's like, but you see now there's all these other people that have joined the line since. There's like six other people. And I'm like, right. So if you'd done it correctly the first time, you perhaps would have had a good spot in the line. But because you cut in the line, you now have the punishment of going to the end of the fucking line. You know how it's always been like that. These are the punishment of going to the end of the fucking line you know how it's always been like that these are the rules of society yeah anyway so then he says

but i got two kids who at this point like when you look at them are like have pointed teeth and have gills and yes you know are like slimy and they're you know you know i fucking noticed demons i noticed you had two children you know why i noticed because they were whizzing around at 50 miles a fucking hour and they were blocking off the entrance when we tried to come in. I've seen the two children, thank you. We went on this whole journey at the same time.

But you're not getting pity. The only person who'd be pitied is the woman who allowed you to put your fucking disgusting old man dick inside of her twice and make children. How dare you? You should be so lucky you have two children. You're foul. You're awful. And so lucky you have two children you're foul you're awful and now that you have two children you've raised them in such a way that they've become an extension

of your root ourselves yeah how fucking dare you anyway so i killed him luckily we just bought a discount sledgehammer from the same store yeah it uh it was satisfying no and so then i'm like oh you you should you should stay there because you've got two kids you should stay there because you've got two kids you should you should stay there because you get that's not what you said what i said we didn't say anything No, I like laughed, said it back to him And then that just became the reality Oh, that was it, yeah Because I just didn't push it

And do you know what? I was telling this story to You remember Straight Friend who was at the cinema with me And you told off those two teenage boys Yes I was telling him this story From previous episode From previous episode

Straight Friend told off two boys for talking in the movies And they stopped talking I was telling him this story and he's like number one um i would absolutely have done the same thing i always cut in line and i was like what you are a monster men are just out here doing this i don't know what the fuck i just i don't know anyway so then he was like but when you re-raised it it was your responsibility then to take it to its natural conclusion he needed to leave that line and if you did back down from that that's why like you are you you wimped out and that's your fault wow you needed to push it

and i was like see that's the distinction We're not pushers That's right I don't want to be pushed And do you know The only other time That that's ever happened That I've told someone off In for this crime

Specific crime yeah It was when I was at Flippy's The gay bar in Brunswick And someone cut in front of me In this like Impenetrable line that was taking 10 000 hours because they mix all their cocktails to order which is a great thing about flippies but it means that sometimes it takes 10 000 years to get a drink yeah and this person cut in front and

everyone in the line with me was incensed and we watched her order like, can I get two espresso martinis and whatever. It was just obscene. And I hate it when the bartenders don't call it out. Yeah. Because I'm like, you're making me do this. And I get that you have a lot on right now because you've got to mix 10,000 drinks for some reason. But then when she left the line, I went, you know, you cut in the line just then. And there were all these other people waiting.

And I just think that's really rude. And she was like, Oh, I'm sorry. And like, she was genuinely really sorry. And I felt immediately terrible. Um,

but it was so worth it. It's important to look around. She never did it again. But that's a, you know what I mean? A woman does it, gets called out and immediately apologizes. And is like, I'm sorry. Yeah. These fucking old men who are living their lives completely.

Running for president. Literally. This is the theme of the episode. I can't line up. I have two kids. I have two kids. Yeah, bitch. What? i have a

brain tumor i have not long to live did you give birth to those kids yeah you've lived long enough by the looks of things yes oh yeah anyway yes checks out slowly and even when we i don't know i don't know about you but when we got to the cash register i was waiting for like she had no idea we were halfway through the store when this all happened yes we got no sympathy from the cashier yeah those cashiers didn't care they're like it's wild west motherfucker whoever gets here first truly and then of, this whole time I was holding maybe like eight boxes filled with Titanic ocean clocks. Yes. We had to refresh our trivia supplies. Trivia supplies.

So I didn't really have like a free hand or anything. And also like was conspicuously holding these like curiously shaped boxes. Yeah. And so we go through we make our purchase and we leave and then we're trotting down the street to go into lazy susan's um space car and he fucking reappears and by the way we're doing like a classic gay walk of shame where we're like can you fucking believe that guy? Yeah, fucking hate that guy. The instant we get out, like, what the fuck was that?

And then he reappears before us on the street corner with the two demons. And what did he say? He was like, what is in that? What's in those boxes? What's in that? And we were like, oh, they're just disgusting little Titanic clocks. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Wow, you guys are really yeah and then you know well that's it i think he liked that we called him out bitch on his podcast he's telling the same story being like you know what maybe the gays aren't so bad i met these two gays yeah i think he was like i live in a world where there are no rules i can have children they can ride their scooter wherever they want i'm the victim here i can block the entrance i can block the entrance with you know these two seeds and then then i think that he got a rush what business does he have what's in all of my packages he's got a rush. What business does he have? What's in all of my packages? He got a rush knowing that we had called him out and negotiated that he gets to stay in the line. He was like, yeah, tell me that I can't. He was sick into BDSM.

And also, like, then when he asked, it was like, how long have you been thinking about what was in the boxes that I was carrying? Yeah. Come and take a closer look. Darling, come to trivia. Perhaps you could win. Ew. Don't think about what's in the boxes that i was carrying yeah come and take a closer look darling come to trivia perhaps you could win oh don't think about what's in my boxes i don't know like maybe think about your fucking children right think about how lines work not what i'm carrying he was in such a rush to get home to them obviously well i think i can't imagine how this selfish piece of shit man was ever left to take care of the kids. Truly.

Like. But that's why I think it was the grandpa. Because like. Oh, the kids were there with him. It was the like fun outing. What was that? What? Matt.

Were the kids there with him? Sorry? Who was blocking my entrance at the door, Matt? Who was zooming around on the scooter? I wasn't listening That was the whole story We're going to have to start again I'm zoning out a little bit

Can we move on to the next thing? Matt's got a headache, everyone No, we still have so much to say about this fucking arsehole Oh, I hate this guy I hate him I'm just like, wait until the world hears about it from our podcast that we have The world The world How is the world hears about it from our podcast that we have The world The world

How is the world ending this week? Oh yeah Oh Matt's on the time frame today it seems I'm on holidays Oh true, Matt's about to go on holiday Holiday That is so exciting to go on holiday

Yeah Where are you going? Barbados? The GC Gold Coast Uh huh Gonna go on the slingshot To Weddon Wild I'm not doing any theme parks this time Sunshine Coast Airport, which is on the border between Queensland and New South Wales

Yep Are you going to the Great Barrier Reef? No Are you going to Hamilton Island? No Australia Zoo? No, we're just going to sit in the apartment for two weeks and try and entertain a one-year-old.

Fun. Yeah. Well, don't give it a scooter is what I'm saying. I think the only thing that we'll probably do is go to the Hoda, home of the arts or whatever it's called. Fun. Yeah, it's a good gallery. And probably go to the wildlife sanctuary.

See some little Australian animals. Introduce Baba to some kangaroos or whatever. Excellent. Baba. They need to know that it's power. That's right. Not just a coin. It's a real life animal.

That's right. Oh, dear. But I'm looking forward to it. Not just a coin It's a real life animal That's right Oh dear But I'm looking forward to it I'm so excited for you to enjoy the sun I wish I could bring you guys with me We'll come Well we've got to do an episode Yeah

Well exactly We'll do like a Sabrina Goes to Rome Or Sabrina Down Under Yes And it'll be like One of the characters just won't be there inexplicably. You know in those Sabrina movies? Yeah.

Yeah. How Salem went, but the aunts didn't show up. Too expensive. I reckon. Yeah. Carolyn Ria. Wait. Yeah.

Hmm. And so, sister, how does the world end this week? I would like to tell you how the world ends. Yes. Now? Yes. You should keep it in theme with the presidential debate. True.

Some sort of... I'm going to do... ...anilistic ending to the election. There was a book that really freaked the shit out of me when I was a child. The Bible? I never read the Bible. No, it was called The Dreaded Lurgy

and it was about this witch who lived across the road from these two young boys and she was developing this candy like a delicious candy and she would give it to she gave it to one of the brothers first right so it gives them this hard-boiled lolly and he starts to rapidly age and so then it's down to him and his brother so the rapidly aging one and then the one who didn't have the candy and stayed young candy are trying to stop her because she begins this national campaign of giving like boiled lollies to the children of the world and she's gonna make get rid of children by giving them all this candy that makes them age but as the book goes on the the one of the brother that ate it is like getting so old and getting like sickly

and about to die because he's aged so fast. And that's what I'd like. Everyone eats hard boiled candy that makes them age to death. Yeah. Cool. And who, which witch?

We don't know. Oh, okay. It's a mystery. We'll find out in the end of season three. Oh, see, that's quite stressful. Is she going to get caught? Well, I don't know. Oh, okay. It's a mystery. We'll find out in the end of season three. Oh, see, that's quite stressful. Is she going to get caught? Well, I don't know. Let's hope not.

I'll focus on the other storylines then. I just want to know, is she going to get caught? Or does she get away with it? That's why, you know that film Zodiac? No. With Jake Gyllenhaal? No. About the Zodiac killer?

People love it. It david fincher torres who did panic room no and fight club what anyway zodiac people like one incredible film about a serial killer the zodiac killer yeah well guess what they never do in real life or in that film catch the fucking zododiac Killer. What the fuck am I doing? Just watching part of a story. Yeah. And they're like, isn't it amazing, the ending?

You're just like, we'll never know. And I'm like, no. Do you know what? That's fine. Life is chaotic. Life is filled with unsolved mysteries. Films can be written, and you can figure out a fucking ending. That satisfies me.

You know, stories are about putting the world into a digestible order to make sense of things in our universe, not to make more disarray and confusion. How dare you? Have you heard about that new horror film? Which one? The one that's like from a murderer's perspective.

And like it's, they say that it's kind of like just these super long take shots of the Canadian wilderness where he's killing them. Cool. And it's kind of, what is it? Like ambient horror. That sounds scary. But like nothing, it's just like long just watch him like watching someone yeah and super long there's no soundtrack it's just the sound of nature and like you see like a hiker and they're like is anyone there that's amazing people are going

crazy for it oh my god what's it called it's called something something something ambient horror it's called cabin in the woods three it is called get out of the woods now let me tell you listen we're gonna have an answer very shortly but why don't it Why don't... Did I already say that I started watching the new Exorcist movie and then was like, I don't need to see this. Well, anyway, I started watching the new Exorcist movie and very quickly I was like, I don't need to see this. It looked bad.

I got like 20 minutes in and it was rather unbearable. You know, like there's a difference between like camp horror that is stupid and fun and can still be scary. And then like horror that is like, we're part of the Exorcist franchise. So we take it really seriously and it's really scary and important. Yeah. I was like, no, it isn't. Oh. No.

Sometimes they do a good version of that. Sometimes, but not this time. Yeah. It's called In a Violent Nature. Oh. No. Sometimes they do a good version of that. Sometimes, but not this time. Yeah. It's called In a Violent Nature. Oh, the movie. Yeah. Is it available now? It is.

It's doing the festival circuit at the moment. Festival circuit. I think I can get us a screening link. Cool. Anyway, yeah. Cool. Isn't that fun? Okay.

How fun. Well, let's then dive into tonight's operation. Yes. We'll be right back, listener. Don't go anywhere. TTYL. Especially into the Canadian woods. Mmm. And we're back. Hello.

Hello. Hello, listener. Hello. Now, we have a very important question. Oh my God, yes. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay.

Our first topic for discussion today, ladies know, is which TikTok voiceover goes into the bunker? Okay, let's pull up TikTok. Oh, no. Well, we need to find out what the voiceovers are. So for some context here, right? Because I fear that TikTok is quite a polarizing social media platform. People either love it or they hate it and if you hate it perhaps you have no idea what we're talking about so you can like auto help me

you can auto voiceover what make it say whatever you want you say and then it does it in the voiceover voice is that right yeah i'm, I'm going to put in your... What do you think we should test the vocals of? Say, hello and welcome to Death to Everyone. Hello. Because all I can think of is Plankton from SpongeBob. I feel like that's quite funny. Okay.

But I actually don't understand if that is exclusively a TikTok voiceover or how that happens. Well, let's go through. So this one is Jessie. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Okay. That's option one. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. That's Trickster.

Oh, that's what I was thinking was. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Ew's Trickster. Oh, that's what I was thinking was. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Ew, I hate that one. That was Joey. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. That's Hero. Why is that what he's saying? Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig.

I like that. It's a secret now. This is Polly. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Too speedy. Do you like Polly? No. Queenie Polly. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Too speedy. Do you like Polly? No. Queenie?

Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Yeah, that's good. That is how you say it. I like that. This is Olin. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Ooh, I like that. Olin Tekkers.

And this is Smoot. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. No. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. No. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. I'm a dick pig. Hey, so sleepy. I like that one. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig.

That's also good. Okay, and this is Dina. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. No, too fast. Okay, well, are you ready to hear Cupid? Hello. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. I don't believe that.

Ash magic. Hello. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Oh, that sounds almost Australian. He is. Ew. Hello. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig.

Hmm. Okay. Let's have a look at what characters we have. Do you want to hear Zelda? Oh my God. How many more are there? Zelda. There are'm a dick pig. Hmm. Okay, let's have a look at what characters we have. Do you want to hear Zelda? Oh my God, how many more are there? Zelda, there are so many. Oh. Hello.

Hello. Oh, I like that. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Zelda, get away from that microphone. We need to hear what the dick dog voices are doing. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig Where's one that's really British

That sounds like What's his name From Dr. Spicherman From Lady Rock And I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig

Jerry from I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon, and I'm a dick pig. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon, and I'm a dick pig. Oh, my God. That's Gigi.

That is great. We're definitely looking at Gigi. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon, and I'm a dick pig. The expression in their voice is great. That is great. Hello. Hello. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. What?

This is werewolf. Can it plug your face? I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Cool. Do you like that? Do you like Mr. Meticulous? Hello. No.

I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig No I don't like that Wait, there's a whole new tab called Humor Humor? None of those fell under humor? Hello

I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig No I didn't realize my dad was going to be here Marty Hello I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig.

No. Ginger Chime. Oh, my God. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Oh, I hate that one the most. You don't like that? No. Okay, here we go.

We've got beauty and wellness. This is empathetic. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. I don't know about this. Okay, Mr. Good Guy. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. I don't know about this. Okay, Mr. Good Guy? Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. That guy would definitely go on a date with you one time. One time?

Pam? What do you think of Pam? Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. I don't mind that. The pause was great in that one. I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig. Yeah. Okay, yeah.

Well, you know what? So I'm unfamiliar with all of this, but that Gigi sounded quite good. Hello, I'm Zelda Moon and I'm a dick pig, so the cum is. She just made that up at the end. She's adding her own things that AI is learning. I recently changed my phone's Siri to being a South African man, and I quite like that.

I do like that. I do like that. Hello. I'm Zelda Moon. And I'm a dick pig for the commies. It's good. I love it. It's good. Hello. I do say it's good.

And I'm a dick pig for the commies. It's good. I love it. It's good. Hello. So it's Gigi I think I think I think she's the only one Although you know

You know we did like We did like him Hello I'm Zelda Moon And I'm a dick pig for the commies It's good Hello Yeah That character is called Zombie or Gigi What's the one of that guy who does like the movie quotes

Like Mr. Movie Fan Like it's like, did you know? He's like, did you know that in Batman, Christian Bale did this for 27 days or whatever? No. He does like little movie facts. But I don't know if that's a real person or if it's like a TikTok voice. Do either of you watch that guy on Instagram who like is a plane mechanic?

And he goes on like that. And he's like, this thing isn't at all like that. Not like when, you know, like... Could someone explain anything properly? I don't think. No, he's like a mechanic for airplanes. But he like hilariously references Lord of the Rings in his descriptions. I'm laughing already.

You know that guy? He's got a long hair and he's really hot. Remember when Shaoran did this? It do be like this. It's kind of the content, yes. You don't watch that? Okay. I was with my friend last night.

Friend? Yeah, I got one. And we were having dinner and then her boyfriend got home from watching the football at the pub. and we were having dinner and then her boyfriend got home from watching the football at the pub. And she was like, you need to see my boyfriend's for you page on his Instagram. What was that? I was trying to look up something.

Hello. And she was like, you need to see it. It's actually so funny. And he's like, no, like you can't look. It's so embarrassing. Oh my God. And I was like, what is it? And he was like, you need to see it. It's actually so funny. And he's like, no, like you can't look. It's so embarrassing.

Oh my God. That's a lot of content. What is it? And he's like, I just, one day, like my girlfriend was looking at my For You page and she like saw what my search thing was and how different it was to hers. Hilarious. hilarious and like so like for example mine is filled with like drag wigs yeah like hunky hairy men yeah um and like stupid crafting projects and like weirdly a lot of like body transformation this guy lost 80 kilos and now he looks like this um Mine is filled with X-Men.

Filled with X-Men drag. Also hot guys. Sarah Michelle Gellar. The hottest guy of all. Yeah. But a lot of X-Men. So. Oh, and this, which I really want to buy, but I looked into it and they're really expensive.

These like beaded necklaces that when you look at them, create like a fun animal. Ooh, you could make one of those. Look at how cool that is. How hard would that be to make? It's just beads. Anyway. So then she finally coaxes her boyfriend into showing his For You page. And it is literally just tits

like literally only tits and i was just like how is this i just didn't realize that there was this much happening on the internet yeah how is there so much just tits i just i'm like it's kind of cool to know that like tits never go out of fashion true they're just always like fabulous straight men they love them love tits yeah anyway it was quite truman show truman is given vitamin d at breakfast because he doesn't get it from real sun did you know that one no No, but that sounds like it's the real man. Oh, that's your movie fact. Due to living in a constructed world. Do you know that in the Truman Show,

Truman is given vitamin D at breakfast because he doesn't get it from real sunlight due to living in a constructed world. That is just a real man. Is it? Yeah, that is definitely a real man, but that's a man that Zelda would date. I am into that.

A constructed world. I don't know how on earth I could possibly find this long-haired airplane mechanic. Oh my God. We need to make a decision here. Oh, Gigi. Gigi? That's hilarious. Okay.

Make her say something else funny. Okay. And then we'll lock it in. Say like, oh, because also, okay, so in what context? So Oprah is in the big brawn and she's doing some of the voiceovers, but what, when she's on break? Yeah. And we have announcements that might be in this voice and Oprah will just type it in

as something hilarious for Gigi to say. Is that right? Yeah. Okay. I like that. there he is, for Gigi to say. Is that right? Yeah.

Okay, I like that. And also, like, when one of your friends or family members in the bunker has died in the Pompeii room, you get, like, a little call to your Murphy bed, and it's Gigi's voice being like, I'm sorry to tell you, your relative has been crystallized in a volcanic eruption in the volume. Wait, that wasn't the voice. That was you.

I found him. I found the hot guy. You haven't had TikTok open the whole time, have you? No, I've just been making things up. Okay, you ready for how hot this guy is? Yeah. I'm a craft mechanic, and this is an airplane fact with Max. And today I'm in the wheel well of this aircraft.

And behind me, you can actually see the aircraft's APU fire warning horn, which is this component right here. Why do you watch this? That's why I love it. I hate that. He sounds like that social vampire in What We Do in the Shadows, the American version. Have you seen that show? Oh, yes, I love that show. And he drains people by boring them.

Yes. What? The energy vampire. The energy vampire. I'm going to send you a screenshot of how hot he is, Matt, so you can understand. I mean, his voice sounds very boring. What?

It sounds kind of like the Movie Facts guy. Oh, my God. Is it the same person, maybe with a wig? Okay, here we go, everyone. I keep sending screenshots to people today and like... ...for inviting me into the bunker. I was scared I wouldn't survive the end of the world. But now, thank you

for inviting me into the bunker. I was scared I wouldn't survive the end of the world. But now, thank you for inviting me. But now what? No!

Oh, I accidentally posted that. Oh my god. Anyway, I keep sending people photos today, but in my recent save to my phone, it's like... Thank you for inviting me into the bunker. I was scared I wouldn't survive the end of the world, but now thank you for inviting me into the bunker. We need to move on.

I wish, but she's taken over. But now, thank you for inviting me into the... We need to move on. I wish, but she's taken over. I also love that cold, cunty woman. What's her name? I don't know. Okay. She's default. That's the main... She's the main girl of TikTok.

Okay. And she's like, I didn't even put any effort in. I just picked whatever voice came up first. Yeah. I see. Well. What an intriguing segment where we learned about technology. Yeah.

Ooh, I'm going to watch more of those Max videos when I get home. What Max videos? That guy's name is Max. The plane engineer. Yeah. You know what the issue is with all of his plane engineering videos That I've decided Go on

Go on Yeah, I'll go on Yeah Is that there's always the low hum of a plane in the background That's incredible I don't want to listen to that Listen Like this

That's how you know that he, you know, is real He couldn't get that close to an aircraft if he wasn't qualified I get inside of aircrafts all the time Yeah, no qualifications for such a thing Matt, don't you think he's hot? Yeah, he's pretty good looking I don't think men are hot though, so I'll grow up, Matt

I just don't find them attractive I'm sorry. I can spot a beautiful woman from a mile away and I would tell her as such. And then I would say, I'm gay. I can tell if someone's objectively handsome. Yeah, I have just opened this image that Zelda has sent. This man looks like he keeps the head of a young traveling woman in his freezer. No, he doesn't.

That is terrifying. He's so handsome. Handsome? His eyes are like... Blonde hair. That's red hair. It's red hair. Reddy with a mustache, like a handlebar mustache.

Strawberry blonde, you might say. What are you talking about with this man, Zelda? I love him. When you spend your life together with this man, Max, what do you do? I'm pretty sure he's a single dad. What do you do with each other? Watch Lord of the Rings. And then what?

After that 13 hours is over, what do you do? Well, yeah, I'd be like, you tell me something about work. And then I'd listen. And he'd be like, did you? I would be so bored with the man of your dreams. I love, like, I, it's like, so I went on a date on Friday. And we were a bisexual. And.

Visibility week. Yeah. And we were talking about, like, things that we had seen recently on each other's social media. And he, because he was talking about like the NRL or whatever. Zelda. I know. I don't know what that means either, but bear with me. And, and, and I don't know, we were kind of like, I made a joke about like when I saw it, I was like, oh no, what if we don't have anything in common when we go on this date?

And he was like, do we have anything in common? And I was like, I hope not. Why would I want to date someone who's got all the same interests as me? How boring. I was like, I love that you were at the NRL. Can you explain what that was? You love that? Yeah.

I think you need to have some things in common some things don't like doing anything together no no no like a healthy balance but like i don't want to carbon copy what do i want to go on a date with someone and only talk about how cool particular x-men characters are i mean yes but you know what i mean like it's fun to have your variety is the spice of life. You get to date like a straight woman where you find a man and have nothing in common and nothing to say to each other and spend the rest of your lives together.

That's the dream. That'll fill the void. And with that, we'll be right back. Goodbye. hello and welcome back listener hola so that day it went well i think yeah there might be a second or maybe he hated it who knows i don't know if there's only a way that you could like look at someone and read what they're thinking through their facial expressions that's hard yeah it's hard. For some. That is hard. I don't know.

Anyway, we'll find out. Can I tell you a story? I went and saw Patti LuPone on Monday. Faggot Patti. Yeah. Some friends just bailed on their tickets at the last minute and gave them to me. And I was very lucky. And I went to Patti LuPone, who, well, listen, if you're listening to this, you know to Patti LuPone Who Well listen

If you're listening to this You know who Patti LuPone is But She was like Incredible Just for the sheer fact of Patti LuPone is known for being Kind of a piece of shit

Like just like a diva Diva Like an actual diva Yeah And she Got to the end of a song and she's like oh we used to sing that song in the 80s we used to party in the 80s it was amazing and then people was like aids took so much you know you'd have your friends slowly dying in front of

you every time we say goodbye i die a little the gays in the audience were like standing up living their life fully enraptured in this moment yeah that patty was essentially saying every time we say goodbye every time she says goodbye to a friend who's dying of aids yeah she dies a little yeah not a lot just a little yeah and then the rest of that song is essentially saying like i don't know why this is happening that i have to say goodbye to you but it must be like a punishment from the like god patty aids was not a punishment for patty lapone it was a punishment for the gay community yeah some of which she enjoyed going out and partying with then who was she gonna party with who's gonna think about patty and all this who where's patty's hairdresser where's patty's

fans oh my god yeah you know wow and what were the audience members like at this event oh it was jam-packed with only drag queens oh yeah yeah i was like looked across and there was um bag of chips hana conda and the vivian um what yeah they were all in town for the snatch game oh and then tequila mockingbird um they all in drag, everyone was out of drag. Okay, just checking. You know, it was very unnerving. But yeah, good. Cool. Yeah. And did you buy a t-shirt that said, I saw Patti LaPette?

Patti! Did I buy a t-shirt? No, I didn't. Okay. Was there merch? There was. There was a program. Oh.

But no. It was like, listen, it wasn't good, but it was great. Yeah. If that makes sense. I mean, it sounds like a once in a lifetime. She did Ladies Who Lunch from Sondheim. Yeah. Company.

And she had her martini and she was like singing a song and then she flung the contents of the martini glass into the front row of the audience, getting them all wet. And apparently she just does that every night and it's like going to see the like 4D Shrek show. Or seeing Tilikum. Yes, you're going to get a little wet, but you're going to like it. And I just think that to have a reputation that's built around the fact that you can lob a full glass of water into the crowd.

Water? If it was gin, the way I would respect that so much more. But imagine getting gin soaked. Like, my eyes! Yeah, they're burning. But, God, that's so cool because that's kind of my dream. Burning out people's eyes with gin. Yeah.

I'd like one day to get away with that, for people to feel blessed by having had my... I mean, in a wig, you get away with all sorts of things. Like that time when I performed the other week and accidentally shattered a glass on a table and it went all over someone. You shout you you shatter a lot of glasses well i can't help but be tremendous and with that speaking of things that are tremendous oh listener if it isn't time to decide

what thing that is under the bed gets into the bunker? Do you believe in having things under your bed? I don't like it, no Why? Because I want it to be clear I just want it to be Like, you start keeping things under the bed And then you have to keep tabs of what you've kept under the bed Because obviously, out of sight, out of mind

And, you know, then I've got to remember it And what, like, so it's just an empty space i like it to be a empty space but i have just like a um like a mattress and base so there's not there's no storage space under my bed but i keep my oh well i keep my computer under my bed. What? To keep it hidden from thieves after the robbery. Oh, right. So you've become, the world has damaged you. Yes.

And now you've become crazy. Become crazy? Wait, so each morning when you leave. I tuck it under my bed. No, you don't. Yes. Zelda, no. Where else am I going to put it?

Last time I left it out, it got stolen. So I hide it under my bed. That's so crazy. Where else am I going to put it? I don't think you're going to get robbed again. Well, if I do, they shan't be finding my laptop unless i listen to this podcast i know where i live um that's so yeah you thought of you in your house like you know straightening your tie for work and then quietly picking up your laptop and sliding it beneath your bed. Yeah. So I do that.

Oh my God. That is too weird. What? I didn't realize that was going to be weird. What? Yeah, with like every window open to the street. Well, now I'm going to get robbed. It's all open.

Windows open. Literally,ains open If I was going to break into a house I wouldn't break into a house with the windows open Obviously there's someone home Oh my god Do you know what I mean? You've got to think like the robber

Obviously they have nothing valuable Yeah exactly I mean listen We've been robbed You get over it Yeah Yeah So I keep the laptop under my bed i also keep so when

i think it was when it happened when we were burgled years ago like when jeremy and i still live together he bought me a torch that is like in the shape of a baton oh that's cool yeah for like self-defense and also finding my water in the night so i have that under the bed wow in case a vampire comes in and i have to whack it on the head like taped it to the base of the bed reach down and grab it i'm worried about how many like fear and anxiety based objects are under your bed well it's just that and then i have like an extension cord that is just like to, so I have electricity on both sides of the bed. Yeah. So that's everything that's currently under my bed.

I think that keeping anything sex related under the bed is so boring and predictable. Imagine going to someone's house and being like, let me just get the lube. And then you like reach under the bed. Imagine being like, let's get my laptop. And then they reach under the bed and that would be like let's get my laptop and then they reach under their bed um anyway keep your lube on your like shelf or whatever the fuck have it out you're an adult you can have oh people who like oh i like oh no i can't have you over i have housemates i'm sorry what you you You're 32 years old.

You can have sex anywhere you want within reason. Especially in your house. In your domicile. Like what? I just can't deal. What if they all sleep in the same room? Yeah, what if they share a bed? Well, I'm not going to go and have sex with Grandpa Joe.

I think you would. Maybe. I would. Would I have sex with Grandpa Joe. I think you would. Maybe. I would. Would I have sex with Grandpa Joe? Grandpa Joe? Yeah. I don't think he's particularly aged. I think it's just like a memory of him being old.

He can't get out of bed. Yeah, he's 37. They're all bedridden. Yeah, but like, he'd not be able to get out of bed. Relatable. Well, he only gets out of bed because he's excited. Yeah. Wow.

That is important for the activities. Stay in bed until you've got a reason, I say. Yeah. You've got to have bed because he's excited. Yeah. Wow. That is important for the activities. Stay in bed until you've got a reason, I see. Yeah. You've got to have something to get him out. Yeah. Yes, but I don't like, ooh, growing up, my brother and I had the same bed frames and Dad made us like under the bed like drawers that would pull out.

Cool. And I had mine filled with, you know, like things or whatever. Trinkets. Yeah, but then I got a different bed, you know, like things or whatever. Trinkets. Yeah. But then I got a different bed, but my brother always had the same, like big things,

like slide out things. But I don't know. It's like, I just, I don't know about storing things under the bed. What do you think about a trundle bed? Listener, for those of you who don't know,

a trundle bed is like a single mattress on like casters That you can pull out from beneath the bed if you have a slumber party Yeah And have a sleepover Because everything will be just fine I don't know Because again, my brother has those from when his kids were Like transitioning from bed to bed or whatever

Pride And I don't know, they're not very comfy, you know? I'd rather just sleep on the floor. What? No. I don't think you're painting a picture of yourself. I wouldn't sleep on a mattress. I'd sleep on the hard floor after I've hid all my objects beneath my mattress.

No, I don't want to do that. Only my laptop. Just be hugging it all night as you sleep. No, I don't want to do that. Only my laptop. Just be hugging it all night as you sleep. I remember one time back when I used to share a queen-size bunk bed with my dear friend Nina when we lived in Footscray. Because she had the top bunk, but it was queen-size.

We had it purpose-built. And so I don't know. I was looking for something. She left something in her bed and she didn't need me We had it purpose built. Yes. And so I don't know. I was looking for something. She left something in her bed and she didn't need me to get it or whatever. And beneath her mattress, she had an assortment of objects because she like, you know, once you were up the ladder, you weren't going to go back down the ladder. Oh, you might, yes. And the prize object from beneath her mattress was the DVD box set of season three of Cougar Town.

And I loved that. That's good. And this was stored between the slats and the mattress? Yeah. So every night when you would go to bed, you'd look up. Well, no, because it wasn't slats. It was just a flat thing of wood. So the mattress couldn't breathe as much as it probably should have.

But it was, you know, two years. You've got to make do. You've got to make do. You gotta make do. What do you keep under your bed currently, sister? I keep my makeup under my bed. All my drag makeup. Actually? Yeah.

Oh my God. Zelda, where else does... Not all of us have ten rooms. Zelda has a dedicated makeup room. Yeah. It's very fabulous and chic. Perhaps excessive, but yes listen live your life until max the mechanic comes into your life and needs that room to hide his

bodies of dead women yeah okay um you can have a makeup room yeah but so when i get ready for a gig because my like room is my bed and then like a like desk where i do my computing work and then it also is the desk that i turn into like where i do my makeup yeah um but it means that that when the makeup is not out it needs to like go away somewhere and there's only one place for it to go away and that's under the slip it under the bed and you know what sister no one's gonna steal it from there if anyone steals it they get another thing coming um and then like camera gear i keep like you know a bunch of like you know a box like rolling boxes cords and various things you know different like yeah if i need like my camera or a microphone or something that'll be under the bed yeah um and that's about it at the moment but like i think under bed storage is so efficient

because it just gives you an extra like for the same footprint in a room, you can have extra storage. But I would much prefer like a captain's bed built in drawers. I think that that's quite chic. Captain's bed? You know captain's beds? They're a little bit raised, but they have drawers as the base. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, like if I was ever to upgrade,

I'd love to, like, have a captain's bed style bed. It just makes it hard when you have bedside tables, though, because then they can't be flush with the side of the bed. So you can only really access one set of the drawers, which is annoying. Oh, and in some kind of nightmare world, you have to pull one out entirely to then shuffle the other one over

to then pull it out at all. Yeah. Ugh, who's got the floor space for that? Yeah. Also, I don got the floor space for that? Yeah. Also, I don't appreciate the argument of like, I'm using unutilized space under the bed. No.

What do you mean? Negative space is using space well. Oh. Yeah. Just saying. There's a lot of negative space hanging around you. I can hear the listener saying like, no, that's good use of space. No.

I am using that space. I'm keeping it empty. Once again, I'll refer to you to the fact that you have five extra rooms in your house. So perhaps the luxury of having negative space unutilized. I lived in not five empty rooms for a long time. And what was going on under your bed then? Nothing. No, same.

Oh, you know what? No, that's a lie. I used to have all of my big folders of all my old uni artwork and stuff. And I had one filled with sewing patterns and things. Just in case anyone tried to steal it. You can't have my uni assignments. That's my lantern design. Now, what do you keep under your bed? Dildos Yeah just a big box

No I think all that I've got I was just thinking about it when you were talking Is just all the merch that I've never sold Oh For all my music So if anyone wants to buy an album just please get me a shirt What do you have? Physical media?

I have vinyls of my solo album. Yeah. Oh, my God. I would buy one of those. Oh, you can have one. Yeah, I've got to get rid of them. Is that the Orca vinyl? Yeah.

So that's my solo album. For those of you who don't know, Matt is actually a very accomplished musician. You should go and listen to Orca because it's a great vibe. And when I was in... Great i was in i'm also in like a jazzy bluegrass band the screams and we we bought like heaps of cds when people were still buying cds because we used to busk a lot and they were cash cow weren't they yeah they were yeah from like 2010 to 2015 and then people just stopped buying CDs. It's such a strange decline, I guess. Physical media is coming back.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, but there's some CDs still and T-shirts as well. T-shirts? What colour? People stopped buying T-shirts. White and black. Oh, black! With a sort of vector of my face on it, which is my album cover, I guess.

I have chronic asthma to your face. I'm really trying to sell them. Yeah. How much? What's the retail? of my face on it, which is my album cover, I guess. I'm really trying to sell them. Yeah. How much? What's the retail? We can do a special discount for listeners. For listeners. Put it in their description.

Perfect. We can. Yeah. Buy one of Matt's t-shirts. That's official. Message us. Get that around pod. Free up some space under my bed, please. Yeah. I like it. That's great. Ibounds pod. Free up some space under my bed, please. Yeah.

I don't like it. That's great. I'll give you both one. I'll give you some because you've been giving me your merch, which is very chic. Very chic indeed. No, I do. I remember so distinctly being at Adelaide Fringe

and we were backstage with this famous magician who, what was his name? Wait, what? That famous magician we were backstage with at Adelaide Fringe, we were sharing a dressing room, and he was like this guy who'd been on Australia's Got Talent or America's Got Talent. Yeah, yeah. And he was this like Aussie bloke comedian.

But he's not an Aussie bloke. He was just like a sweet short boy. He was short. But I remember him being like we were like oh we've got a shit ton of our merch blah blah blah blah and he was like oh yeah i tried to do the merch thing once and i was like go on and he was like now i just ended up with a thousand fucking bottle openers with my face on it in my garage. And I'm like, if that is not the experience of getting much manufactured that you just end up with it all.

Yes. Like, but also you gotta be strategic in the kind of merch you put out into the world. Like, do I want to buy a bottle opener with a random musicians face? Um, magicians face on it?

I guess. I mean, I do. If you really like them, I guess. Yeah. His name is Dom Chambers. Ah, yes. Dom. Dom.

And his whole shtick was beer based. Like that's why it was bottle opener. Oh. Because he would like pour beer out of his shoe. We never saw the show. No. No. When we were with him two years in a row. Yeah. Yeah. He would like pour beer out of his shoe We never saw the show No When we were with him two years in a row Yeah

Because you try and be cost effective as well But buying like the higher number Oh, buy 10,000 bottle openers I'll be getting them for 30 cents But yeah, then you end up with what? You really only need like short run But that's, yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. But okay, merch, anything else? Secrets. Do you have any secrets under your bed? Yep. I just shove all my bad memories under there. Yeah. Hiding under a bed is so cool.

I think hiding under the bed. Oh my God. So growing up, I was a terrible child. Terrible. think hiding under the bed oh my god so growing up i was a terrible child terrible um and then as soon as i turned to like five ish i then became angelic really and studious what length is that five yeah for me it was about a meter and a half um yeah but wait why were you what kind of bad like tantrums so no so in the early years i would hide we would go out and i would run away like my mom would have to like i was always on a harness like in a leash but to the point where like like when i would be in a pram so like maybe one or two mom would have two harnesses and it would be entwined in like the frame of the pram so like maybe one or two mom would have two harnesses and it would be entwined in like

the frame of the pram because i would get out like i would get out and run away and mom would like we'll have my mother on one day but she would be like walking down the street with me in a pram and like my older brother you know like walking next and people would be concerned looking at me in the pram because i'm just bound like bound truly but she's like you don't understand my child is possessed by pesu where does he hide why did you hide so i don't know i just like have some insight you were in the brain of the beast yeah but i i don't know i just it was just i don't. It was just a misbehaving child. But like I have some vague memories of it.

There was a time where we were like at Rosebud Plaza and I like hid under like, you know, like the jumper racket came on. And like then like the name. And then it's like this is a classic anxiety of like, I don't want to get into any trouble. So like then when I would hear the voiceover of the like shop gal being like, if like Sharon is looking for her son, if you're out there. And then I'd be like, and I'd run out and be like,

I'm not told to be in trouble. I haven't heard one of those calls in about 15 years. I know, right? They don't really do it anymore. Why don't they? Kids not getting lost in stores anymore? No, I think they just keep it secret. Like train suicide, you know? You don't report on that kind of thing.

Society can't handle it. The hard truth. Everyone has a tracker embedded in them when they're born. Yeah, I guess that's the thing now is that you probably can just put an air tag on your kid nowadays. Oh, honey, I would. I'm like, eat this. Don't eat air tags.

The battery will eat through your lower intestines. Yeah. But then there was this one day where I was at home. It might have just been me and mum at home and I hid under the bed because there was ample space for such an activity. But hiding under the bed, like right back to the wall so you couldn't like see if you were standing

and get like the, you know, like diagonal vision. Yeah. No, no, far too savvy for that. But I'm under the bed thinking that it's just hilarious. I hear my mum starting to get more and more frantic as the calls continue. I'm like, Kane, where are you?

Kane! And then she gets on the phone, calls a friend who lived like 10 houses up because Bryce and I used to hang out. So she was like, maybe there's a world where, and so she's on the phone to ann marie and she's like no he's not here and then my like mom is starting like she's like

so distraught like tears like bawling her like trying like out running out the back running out the front like also this is in the house i grew up in so it's a large house with a lot of like weird shaped rooms and then i remember her going out the front like onto the street like screaming and then she comes back in and goes to call the police and at that point i was like why don't i call the police? I'm here. I'm just here. And then I came out from under the bed and she was so mad. Yeah. I guess understandably. And yeah.

But thankfully, I grew out of that as soon as I turned like, yeah, four or five. Yeah. After traumatizing everyone in your family. Yeah. There was also this other day where we were at the um oh my god what was it called it was in like tukaruk um it was like the um i'm trying to it's not social club but like whatever there was like tennis courts there because my both of my parents played tennis and i used to find that extremely boring and I remember being there while they were like playing tennis one night

with, again, Bryce and Heather. We were like, we were the three friends, you know. And there was this lake nearby that had a little jetty and this was the kind of lake that you could have like those swan paddle boats. Sure. Yeah. But we went there because we knew that there were eels in the water and i wanted to go and see the eels and then it was like this is probably like six o'clock so it's

like twilight like just the sun setting and um i fell into the lake and then all of a sudden there was this whole thing because i nearly drowned in that lake trying to look at the eels and they had to like like thankfully the tennis courts weren't too far away, but it was like all these adults like ran over and someone like dived into the lake to like pull me out because I was drowning. Do you hear this? Do you hear this?

What? You'll remember, listener, that a few episodes ago I talked about how I almost drowned at the beach because my nan was just like looking the other way. And then when I finally came back after being saved, she was like, oh, where have you been? This is the difference. If I had acted up the way you were acting up,

I'd be dead. Yeah. There would have just been, you know, like parents didn't care that much When I was growing up Yeah They were too busy Playing their sport

I mean my Fuck it I mean They would just leave us Yeah My friend's mum When her kid Would have a

Tantrum Like the only time That ever happened Because she had very well behaved kids Generally She just walked away I love that Left her in the supermarket

so she was crying on her own and realized that her mom wasn't there that's incredible and she was watching from a distance yeah to make sure but like like an eagle in the sky the kid would like eventually just gave up because there was no one no audience and they got freaked out by being like mom love it oh so you do need me. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, sorry, diva, but if you're going to act crazy, I'm not going to hang out with you. Yeah, I don't want that.

No. I love that. Yeah, so. Oh, it's going to be a lot of that from me. When I have a kid, oh, it's going to be a lot of that from me. I don't care. Save it. You're going to be an evil stepmother. i'll be the i'll be like tough but fair

yeah it's tough luck yeah yeah um yes so that's my story about how i used to hide under the bed it's just so naughty children hiding under the bed that's not in the bunker um i think my laptop That could be in the bunker I'd like to keep it safe from any potential thieves In the apocalyptic world I kind of think Any old thieves I'm just

Yeah so You know Just so sad about that My life You have locks on your door Yeah But Because the

When the guy broke in To your house and stole your laptop, was the door locked? Well, we don't know. There was no clear sign of breaking and entering. Because it was through your bedroom door. Yeah. And the door was unlocked.

He came on in. I don't know. Because I never, like, we literally never used that door. So I locked it once And then that was it But then he didn't really have to break in So I don't know Do you think I don't know

And your new house has security cameras Yes Visible security cameras Oh it's fine But like I'm just in that habit You don't need to do all that Like I have two options here Either pay for home and content insurance

Or put my laptop under the bed And let me tell you That's the one I'm doing You can do neither of those things. Just put it on a table. Oh, my God. Anyway, what I think should be going in the bunker that lives under the bed is a monster. Like Little Monster, that film with Fred Savage.

Some kind of terrifying monster. Perhaps it's a werewolf. No. Perhaps it's like some kind of ghoul. Werewolves, when have they canonically been under the bed? Oh, they were under my bed when I was little. And in the cupboards. And gremlins.

The classic under the bed monster is the boogeyman. Yeah, boogeyman. Yeah, I think it's like really just the boogeyman. I still sometimes lie in bed and I'm like, I don't want to have my hand out of the cover, so I'll put it under the cover. Because what if someone, something touched it in the night? Can I tell you this story? there was this woman a woman yeah

um and she was at home she lived on her own um in her apartment and she had a dog a big dog because she was a woman who lived on her own. It's kind of better to... That's what we called her, big dog. It was a big dog. It was like a Labrador. And it would sleep by her bed, not in the bed because she had boundaries. And a cold heart. And a cold heart.

But she would often have her arm kind of over the side of the bed. But she would often like have her arm kind of over the side of the bed. And reassuringly, sometimes the dog would like lick her fingers. Kind of be like, I'm here. Hello. Anyway. So then she's lying in her bed and it's a late night and she feels the dog. And then she hears a sound in the house. And she's like, oh, fuck, what's up?

And then she hears a sound in the house. And she's like, oh, fuck, what's that? And she stirs, gets up, and walks to find the sound. And she kind of walks around the house, turning the lights on one by one. And then she comes to the bathroom and turns the light. And there's red everywhere. And she opens the shower curtain, and there's her dog, dead. And she's like, if the dog is here, dead,

then who was licking my fingers under the bed? And it turned out there was a man. What? Yeah. Is this a real story or just one of your like... That was the haunted stories we used to tell at school. How about the man who you know was an escaped

lunatic and licked her fingers I was gonna say because I think the dog would have made some noise if there was an

intruder in the house not if you cover its mouth with an ethanol soaked rag yeah but how close do you get before the dog knows I think if you

throw out like a pork chop dogs generally are not yelling not that dog maybe the dog it was known to the dog, the person.

Yeah. A known finger licker. Yeah. Anyway, so scary. Yeah. Oh, when your little foot pokes out. Yeah. Oh.

You know how sometimes, like, obviously... That's why it's good to have things under your bed. There's no room for someone to hide. Mine's too low. You'd have to be, you know, like... Not even a skeleton would fit under my bed. Not even a skellington. No, thankfully.

But how many places are, if I was a murderer coming to kill you, where would you hide in your house to really getcha? Because there's not that many places. No. Like, obviously you'd just hole up in a room Yeah, I think like in my hanging clothes area In your bedroom No, because that's in the makeup room

You know, the hanging Outside No, no, no In the makeup room Yeah Okay So you would hide behind that Because that's the only thing that like would

Because they don't have any long curtains So I couldn't hide behind a fabulous curtain So they would wait there They'd come in in the midday Wait there until you came home And then in the dead of night Come out Emerge from that space

Find you in your room Yes Well I think they would run away first Because they'd hear the possums in the roof And go what the fuck? This is a spooky house This is spooky spooky house. This is spooky in here.

I didn't realize I was stabbing Dracula. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I think a fabulous monster under the bed. Oh. I don't know. It's not a trundle bed, but I'm willing to go with you on this.

Yeah. I just think, I don't know. Like we already have it under the bunker. That's good. What about a spell? Ooh, a spell book? No, like you know when people find I love that in a movie where they're like Ooh, they find like an etched

Yeah, an etched incantation under the bed Ooh, I do like that That is so scary That's really scary You didn't realise it was here the whole time Yeah Cursing your life. You've been cursed.

Honey, check your bed. You've been cursed. I love that. Isn't that scary? That's really scary. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.

Okay. So a runic curse. Yeah. From what origin? Like Scandinavia somewhere? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Great. Okay. So a runic curse is under the bed. Yeah, etched into the floor and then with some like salt or something. Yeah. So I think in terms of the bunker, perhaps there's like some... It's on the wall. It's on the wall. But it's like on the wall, like, you know, how the Murphy bed will flip up.

Yeah. It's like vertical in the wall. So it's kind of under the bed. Yeah. When the bed is flipped. Yeah. And you don't know which one. There's several hundred Murphy beds.

Yeah. But only one is cursed. Are you the cursed bed? Scary. Oh, Matt, have you ever been cursed? Not that I know of. Not yet. Not yet.

Do you think you have in life This is an open question to the room Good luck or bad luck? Oh, I don't believe in that Which one do you think you have? I think I have good luck I think you have good luck too, Matt Thanks

I think a lot of things have happened at the right time for me Yeah You know what I mean? Like meeting these two majestic celestial goddesses perhaps. And it always fills a hole that's, you know, I'm craving, I'm craving hanging out with two celestial goddesses. And then it happens. You're just craving for that hole to be filled.

You manifested. Yeah, I do actually. I feel like my mum does a lot of manifesting as well. Like she dreams stuff and then it happens pretty much straight away she's a witch she is pretty witchy yeah she put the curse under the bed oh my god i got a message from your dad yesterday as well matt what oh my god yeah i forgot to say what you know we talk about how matt has like a hot damn yeah he's up in my dm um okay so he's been listening to the show oh no sorry i posted a picture of me looking tizzed up for roville yeah like a hot binti yeah he thinks you're really funny oh well he

got taste um and he said i actually went to roville drive-in in the boot of a car in the 70s i feel like you're a bit overdressed for Roeville, but maybe I'm out of date. Wow. I'm like, put it away. Why was he in a boot? Dad's got like this, you know, country, bogan sort of youth thing that he just did a lot of random stuff when he was younger. Like went and saw a movie?

From Founta Gully. Listen, I relate to that. I too am from that neck of the woods Yeah, up in the hills It's a different kind of bogan up in the hills Yeah, witchy bogans Yeah, they're kind of feral little Yeah

Weirdos Yeah Well, get ready to meet your new stepmother Lazy Susan Okay Well, runic curse under the bed congratulations you've made it in another success okay we'll be right back listener bye hello everyone and welcome back hello it is now time to dive in to our final category here today, Zelda.

I have a question for you. Oh. Which of Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends gets into the bunker? Taylor Swift is a cultural phenomenon, a juggernaut of pop music, and one of the world's highest performing musical artists of all time. She is also known for her rambunctious, troubled love life. She's dated many men in popular culture. And I'm going to read you their names.

And you can tell me which one deserves a spot in the bunker. Listener. Listener. Which one deserves a spot in the bunker? Listener. Listener. Every time that Lazy and I have a conversation about what topic should we do in the bunker? She says something about Taylor Swift.

Let's do which house Taylor Swift owns. Oh, I want to talk about that house. Let's do Taylor Swift's boyfriends. Yeah. So that's how we got here. Okay. Do you know what? I think that's good.

We should be talking about things that are happening in pop culture. Because Taylor Swift, whether you like it or not, is a facet of the times. Oh, well. I would hate to look back. We talk about things happening in pop culture like gremlins under the bed. X-Men 1997. Anyway. Anyway.

I just think that is interesting. Give me the options. Okay. Anyway. Anyway. I just think that is interesting. Give me the options. Okay.

So you can just tell me skip the second you find one of them boring. Okay. Skip. Okay. The song Tim McGraw was inspired by Drew Dunlap. Their relationship ended because he had to go to college. He brought the debut taylor swift and said he really loved it which is sweet his current girlfriend isn't too pleased with it skip jordan alford he according to they he became obsessed and crazy he thought that taylor was obsessive and crazy and this is like very young love so we're not back we're not into

a celebrity era yet drew hardwick another drew yeah she's in the south they're all called drew oh he's the hottest one so far um so she wrote the song Teardrops on My Guitar about a boy she liked. Teardrops on my guitar. Who she never actually dated. Drew was surprised when she heard his name in the song. I never knew she liked me. Taylor's waited two years. He's the best so far.

The song came out. Drew showed up at her house and asked her on a date and she declined. It was a perfect fairy tale ending, but a little too late. What? Who wrote this? So they didn what who wrote this they didn't date she just wrote a song about him sam armstrong who cheated on taylor and in response she wrote should have said no in the cd booklet for her album taylor's every s a and m are capitalized um if it was in the correct order i don't like this no okay now we're into the meter things this is where it really kicks off joe jonas joe jonas oh my gosh the jonas brother the one who married the red hair girl joe jonas broke up with taylor swift over a 27 phone call, which is something she has complained about on the Ellen DeGeneres show,

forever and always. What would have made a difference if it was a 27-minute phone call? Probably. The outcome would have been the same. The aftercare, though, Zelda. It's just a bit heartless. Yeah. After, you know, you want to be treated right.

Forever and always. Cutting ties is the kindest thing you could do. What? Continue living a lie for an extra 27 minutes? Fair enough. That's good. That's noted. I don't want this, Jonas.

Next. Taylor Lautner. He's a werewolf. What? Really? Yeah. They were in the film Valentine's Day Together because it was the two Taylors. Their relationship was popularly known as Taylor Squared.

They broke up in early 2010. No, Taylor Squared, absolutely not. Also, he wore that stupid wig and then wasn't wearing the wig as previously discussed because he needed to be more hot. And so, no. Okay. You know what I'm talking about. Twilight or whatever the fuck. Next up, John.

But what a cute person. He's so cute. He's talking about. Twilight or whatever the fuck. Next up, John. But what a cute person. He's so cute. He's so hot. He's just so dumb. Those mesmerizing eyes. John Mayer. John Mayer. Who my sister has a song that she used to sing about John Mayer.

Jennifer. Yeah. Would you like to hear it? Yes. In the kitchen on the floor. I won't lie. I want some more John Mayer oh take me john mayer why is that not on the radio i know i don't know why she wrote that because i didn't think

is she like a ghostwriter for taylor swift and that's gonna be the new single so she wrote quite a few songs about john mayer who's a kind of notorious sleazebag, who includes Dear John, Ours, Superman, The Story of Us, I Knew You Were Trouble. I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Would have, could have, should have, rumored to be about him. They dated briefly after collaborating on Mayer's song Half of My Heart. Their relationship was one of the many mentioned in the coney island from evermore specifically did i paint your bluest skies the darkest gray which calls back to a lyric

from dear john boo next john mayer okay jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal see what i mean this is the category that keeps on giving jake gyllenhaal reportedly spent $160,000 to have her flown over on a private jet for a date. He later broke up with her over text. Oh, that's great. How much was the text? 25 cents. I have kind of a soft spot for him. I think he really loves acting.

What gave that away? Could it be all the acting he does but i think he's like really genuinely into like he's like acting the good version of jared letter yeah um sure donathan dargo no no i got more yeah yeah yeah yeah like ever since that and kind of like picks kind of interesting things and some like stupid things like MCU and then some like good things. Like, I don't know. I presume something good he's been in. Prince of Persia. Sons of Time.

But I don't know. I think he's just like, I don't know. I've seen him in an interview recently. Yeah. I remember one. I was like, I think, I mean, you're an actor so who knows but i think you're like a genuine guy but you know what i was thinking about the other day you know how there's that naked photo of heath ledger jumping off the cliff in brokeback mountain you know that

yeah probably there's like one naked photo of heath ledger in existence and it's that one i'll just look it up but he's running and jumping off the cliff in the scene from Brokeback Mountain where they're both naked running off and jumping off the thing. Yeah. But the stunt double is replacing Jake Gyllenhaal. Oh, I have seen this photo.

Yes, of course. We're the children of the 2000s. Oh, so why is he shy about being naked next to Heath Ledger? Yeah. Show us the dick. Show us the dick. Show us the dick. What are you doing, Jake Gyllenhaal?

Heath's dick looks absolutely fabulous. Well, not anymore. Wow, insensitive. No, it's probably not even there. The tissues have rotted away. Do you think he was cremated? Probably. Okay.

Probably. I don't want to be cremated. Listener, I want to be buried. I want to rot in the earth. Baby, don't get buried. I want to rot. You don't get into the earth. Well, that's the thing.

I don't want to go in a coffin. I just want to be like pushed into a deep hole. Yeah. Well, listen. Keep dating that Max Aviation guy and you'll end up there. Okay. Here's the next boyfriend. Okay.

Because at the moment it's between Drew and Jake Drew 2 Oh, Connor Kennedy Connor So I think he's a Kennedy child Like he's like Yuck He was like a relative of John F. Kennedy

I don't like this person Because I think Taylor had like a vision of being part of the Kennedy family. I bet. Because it's like American royalty. No. No? What does he do? Be a Kennedy.

Boo next. Have you seen like that other Kennedy? Which Kennedy? The one who's going famous for doing his memes? Kathleen Kennedy. No. He's like hot and shirtless and doing like sassy gay. They're all hot, but like.

But she, he was quite young when they started dating. Who's her? She's beautiful. Who's that? I can't see that. It's a woman with hair. Yeah. Okay.

Anyway, who's next? Harry Styles. No. We've already gone over him. She wrote, out of the woods. I with hair. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, who's next? Harry Styles. No. We've already gone over him. She wrote, out of the woods, I know places, clean, style, is it over now, wonderland, and question, unsupposedly about Harry Styles. What a fucking shit cunt. I hate him.

Who? Harry Styles. Look at him in his overalls. Get out. No. Okay. Next up, Calvin Harris, the DJ, who went from zero to hero when he got hot all of a sudden.

So they broke up after two years of dating. Apparently she wrote the song Getaway Car, I Don't Want to Live Forever, bejeweled and high infidelity about him. Does she have anything else to write about? Darling, she's talking about her life. Okay? No.

You don't think he's hot? He's a real chameleon. Sometimes very hot, other times not. That's it. He looks very tall. Is he tall? I don't know. Next next tom hiddleston what this is you're learning what the fuck yeah they started dating shortly after swift's breakup

with calvin harris apparently she also wrote getaway car about him you like that yeah okay yeah and then joe olwen joe olwen he's kind of like non-famous actor who she met who's from the uk oh this is perhaps the most endearing one yet because you don't know him dear and i do he's cute he's got like is he british yeah yeah you could tell he could oh no no i'm off it now i'm off it again next then matt healy who was the most recent one who was the kind of red scare come town guy come town like very annoyingly like american like alt right alt left kind of like annoying like libertarian boy well here he is wearing an anime t-shirt oh my god i forgot and of course the final one the one that she's currently dating. Yeah.

Travis Kelsey. Travis. Baby, it's actually over when you see Travis Kelsey. Type in shirtless after it. Oh, this is the like rugby player or whatever. Type in shirtless after it, you stupid little girl. Typing in shirtless. Typing in shirtless. Shirt.

Less. Oh, he's so hot. Okay. He's very hot. Okay, Zelda. Now with all of that information to hand. Yes. Which of these men is going into the tailor protection program in the bunker?

Drew too. Drew too? Yeah. He wasn't even an ex though. Yeah, that's why he's the best one. He's not damaged by that experience. So Drew Hardwick. Yeah.

Wow. I think. It's between him and Jake, and I think it should be him. Because I also, like, I don't want a male celebrity. Who cares? You love, one of them's an MCU boy. Two of them are. Who's the other one? Tom. Tom Hidd Two of them are Who's the other one?

Tom Tom Hiddleston And who's the other one? Jack Gyllenhaal Oh, Mysteriosa Mysterio Mysteriosa Yeah

Yeah, I like this normie loser Drew Normie loser Yeah What's he doing in the bunker? He is just like Hey guys He would be having sex with the women at Reggie's

He would He could be a bartender Look at this Disgusting All American boy Okay so I'm looking at a photo of him He looks like a liter of milk With hair He's like a liter of milk with hair.

He's got a very hairy chest erupting from the college shirt. From the American Eagle T-shirt. He has blue eyes. His cheeks are quite flushed. I dare say he's had a drink or two. Maybe he's in Paris. Oh, he is so hot. Medium brown hair of a short length.

He can grow somewhat of a facial situation. He's a very cute, just like regular guy. I would say he's more attractive than a regular guy. He's got quite a squashed face. It is a little squashed, But I think that keeps him interesting And I think he's perfect for our bunker I mean, I like that he's just We're finally letting in a regular shmegular degular guy

Yes Between him and Jake Gyllenhaal I don't know, I think he's got a bit more going on Wait No more tears for Taylor Swift as song subject Drew arrested for child abuse. Oh my God.

What? That's like the main article when you Google him. I wasn't reading. I was just looking. Oh my God. I see it now. Didn't he end up in jail

with his wife or something? What? Oh my God., my God. Oh, my God. No, this is so depressing. He's out. He's not in. I didn't want him.

Lazy, why did you keep saying you wanted Drew, the child molester in the bunker or whatever? He hit the child. And it was airlifted. Oh, this is really bad. What happened? Tell us about Drew's incident. Okay, well, first Ooh, this is really bad. What happened? Tell us about Drew's incident. Okay, well, first off, this is very sad. Listen, I don't want this to be taken lightly.

So on Boxing Day at 10 p.m., which, you know, there is a spike of violence, domestic violence around Christmas time. Yeah. Which is why we don't have Christmas in the bunker. which is why we don't have christmas in the bunker correct um a three-year-old child was struck in the face and the child was airlifted to the hospital after suffering severe bruising and lacerations to her head oh my god this is so dark it was did he know the child it was like an accident i was upstairs with the children when he allegedly hit them both, inflicting more harm on the youngest. Boo!

Drew, you failed us. Yeah. Drew, get fucked. You can age like everyone else. They observed blood on the hands of Andrew and reported that Christopher, who appeared intoxicated with bloodshot and glossy eyes, admitted the pair had been heavily drinking. Oh god yuck okay well he's not in the bunker but also here's the thing so the song tears of my guitar right like that's what she wrote about him so the headline sunday

morning sydney morning herald no more tears tears for Taylor Swift as song subject Drew arrested for child abuse. Yeah, what the fuck? That's tacky as shit. How dare you? Gross. Okay. Well, Jake, congratulations. By process of elimination,

you are the best ex of Taylor Swift who will just fit in at the bunker. Wait, what's this? Jake Gyllenhaal hit a nun with his car. No, no. Jake, as... Well, I've already made the argument for Jake. He's a nice guy.

Maybe. Seems like it. Yeah. Hmm. Cool. Good. Great. Jake Gyllenhaal.

What an unexpected twist. What? Does the bunny come in with him as well? I can see it right now. Yes. What about his fabulous sister? Maggie. Yeah.

That's a face. I'll take both of them, I guess. I think we can talk about celebrity siblings on another day. Celebrity siblings. That's true. Yeah. Okay. Well, put a pin in Maggie.

Don't. You'll pop. Are you saying that because she's got such a round face? Stop it Leave Maggie Chilipo alone I really like her, but she does have a round face As someone from the round face community I would just like to say, leave us alone Don't poke us with a alone no one is don't

poke us with a pin no one is safe on this podcast no you know we're bad here we just say it like it is oh bold people and then oh i it's always zelda me you're so hateful what you hate the ball i said don't pin it you hate the gap teeth oh my you hate the round face I said don't pin her with a pin. You hate the gap teeth. Oh, my gosh. You hate the round-faced Maggie Gyllenhaal. You hate bug eyes. I love bug eyes. She's a reformed bug eyes lover. Anya Taylor-Joy. We all love bug eyes here.

That poor man's glitter sneakers. Oh, yeah. Oh. From Liz. Oh. Well, I famously loved those two children at the store. I thought they were quite delightful. And that elderly man taking care of them.

You said, if I was your children right now, I'd be hiding. I would. Yeah. Oh, well, anyway. Why aren't we making calls for lost children in stores anymore? Yeah, I wonder. If anyone knows why that stopped.

Can you tell us? Yeah. I don't want to look it up. Yeah, we've already had enough sad stories. Who knows what happens when you look things up? Apparently you only read half the information and then... Maybe people were claiming kids that weren't theirs or something. Oh! Okay. Like in

Changelingeling My son Anyway Yeah Okay So this week Oh there she is We've had Some kind of incredible turnaround

So we have a runic Symbol under the bed We have Yeah a runic curse We have Jake Gyllenhaal unexpectedly but congratulations and we also have um gg gg hadid the voiceover diva of tiktok our one of preference i'm one of one yes i'm so excited to see how jake is part of the you know do you think that michael b jordan

is friends with jake gyllenhaal yeah okay i think they're hanging because they're both mcu girlies they are do you think who idolizes who in that relationship i think jake is is um very deferential to other actors. Doesn't like to think of himself as being a star, but I think he casts an aura around him. What did you think of Jake at SNL the other week? I didn't watch that, but his glassy eyes freaked me out, and I didn't like Nightcrawler.

Nightcrawler? Yeah. I like that movie. That's good. Nightcrawler? It's pretty disturbing But it's good Kurt Wagner? No the one where he's like a news reporter

For like a schlocky late night LA news show He like chases car crashes Yeah Not my Nightcrawler I just Cause you know I was trying to leave the Taylor conversation up to you Thank you

I just wanted to give you the information. But I just think that Jake Gyllenhaal wants me to take him seriously too much. And I'm like, you're not that girl. Do you think Jake Gyllenhaal thinks that he's like Brad Pitt? Do you think Brad Pitt is like the zenith of actors? Well, Jake Gyllenhaal is like someone who like undeniably everyone is like, that's an actor. I think...

That's an actor. Brad Pitt is not thought of in that way because he's more of like a heartthrob. I don't think he's ever quite been able to establish like a character. Like Al Pacino. Yeah, I think that Jake is trying to be like a De al pacino yeah i think that jake is trying to be like a de niro or an al pacino or like someone who is like able to arnold arnold as well yes so i don't know i am surprised that you'd let such a try hard into the bunker because that's very much against your no i have i don't know i have something of a soft spot for him i don't know where well it's

because that one photo that was everywhere when we were children. Oh, where he's kind of like dripping. And he's shirtless. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know that one. He's dripping with shirtless. Gaze, you know what we're talking about.

Yeah. It was like someone's desktop background. Yes. Yeah. Oof. Okay. Well, goodbye, listener. Goodbye.

Death Ever On was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Shears. Our theme song and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. If you've got something to say to us, do so at deathtayrunpod at gmail.com. Oh, and would you support us, please, at patreon.com slash death to everyone. Bye-bye.